Day 421: Abandoned and Regret
Day 421: Abandoned and Regret : and as a Key-to-me-see-into-me
Working with a specific point of releasing of the physical dimension of the Shirk, what I find in it is like a default setting – it’s kind of normal for these muscles to be doing this – it’s a habit, part of a habitual reflex, though what I am finding is that being aware of it when it comes up, I recognize this point of spite in holding off and holding out on parts of me, and in letting it go I experience in my self again Self Inclusion and expansion in my breath. And something I observed within this also was how my right side was participating by leaning into this, specially with my elbow hard upon the surface of the table, making in a way with my upper body, an architecture round this point of holding. And so in completely repositioning and rebalancing my upper body I am supporting my release of that design. So now this specific tension when it comes up has become, rather than an unconscious trigger, more of a welcome reminder in a way, an opportunity to practice this again: to release, expand, and to re-include.
Seeing that I have accepted and allowed the word Abandoned to be as a burden in my life, that I have accepted and allowed a perspective of too lateness, and so I am seeing also how the word Regret has become like a dimension of it. Here, listening to Sunette sharing her creation process of redefinition of Regret has assisted and supported me a lot. In this video also are many valuable points of assistance and support in the definition and redefinition process of words, in general, and in self support in exploring words that may be not so easy to approach, or words that may create an emotional burden.
With releasing some of this, I am laughing quietly, lightly, in myself, with myself: not as a target of derision, but inclusively, with the assembly, gathering, of the whole of me, within the hug of me, who I am within the hug of me, that I can have and be whole within that hug of me, in extension of myself in self forgiveness, as if I had for a moment got lost within a maze of mirrors, but there was only one mirror, and all I needed to do was just move myself, to break away from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a point of self derision and for making the mistake of seeing this at the time, as a solution, as something real, though harsh, to be going on with in my life, as a starting point, as a point of definition. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted harshness as the nature of reality, rather than seeing and realizing that this harshness or hardness was exactly who I was towards my self. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to assert my own emotional reality onto the physical world and then to believe in it, and then to go on from there, as if it were self evident.
Laughing: such as in that release of moving from the pain of self derision and taking it personally, to sharing in the joke of what I had to go and put myself through, and the story of how I clung to unforgiveness of myself, as a stand. Redefining who I am in and as and in relation to the word Abandoned, means also to me, bringing change into a standing objection that became a part of me that I had accepted and allowed as part of the circumstance of being me. So there is lightness in that unburdening.
So what instead of that Regret could be the Great in all of this? Right now there is obviously to me something great in this process of Inclusion of part of me I had abandoned. In a way, this point within the word Abandoned gives the process that I have walked in life some definition, it becomes a key of what I walked through, something that can assist me and support me as I further open up and understand the nature of what I’m actually living as this life, and so support me as I move myself from here in how to change it. So within that, also I can allow the physical word Abandoned to be as is, without the emotional scenario construct that I accepted and allowed to be the core of it, I choose to keep it to memorialize something of great value learned. It has a place in the history of me.
Something great within this: It’s like all along I was showing myself this construct writ large, writ massively and panoramically across the sky; I had brought myself to a place in physical reality that reflected the vocabulary of the construct I was living out; such as in some moments here from an old memory of what I defined as an ‘event’, while I literally was walking my Abandoned construct into my personal reality.
It was in an experience context of ‘taking to the hills’, discovering a point of self intimacy, and yet keeping it as ‘I will remember this’, like tagging a reminder of an inspiration, without looking into further who am I towards this that I am being shown: so, trudging without specific Purpose across the Trough of Bolan, I see a far off tree, and I start walking towards it, I accept this interest direction to investigate the experience of this tree, as if standing for itself as Life, on the barren slopes of moor, and so I head in that direction, eventually I get to stand beside a little Rowan tree, and to look around perspectives from its crag, to feel the way the wind comes up this valley, and shakes the branches, and furrows through the lichen scales, and I examine more closely in, a lower branch where I focus on a leaf that has a fly on it, a fly busily doing something on the leaf, kind of riding the leaf as the leaf sways up and down in slow motion almost, anchored by its stalk, and I felt within a kind of quietness and intimacy in being with in company of fly and leaf and tree in the harshness of these hills, even from within and as this construct, what was the Great within that moment of small and great was that I was aware that I was showing to myself something of great importance and value to me, and great also that I realized that I did not fully understand in that moment what I was seeing here, Great that I deliberately memorized this moment. Great that there exists awareness in me that I am also in my life, walking in a process of understanding what I’ve done, how I come to be here. It’s Great that even in the event of a cutting off of a part of self there still exists an awareness of a value that seems hidden, it’s great that there exists awareness in me that sees through my unforgiveness stand that I have made towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of distance, lost and longing towards a part of me that I have separated from me, as within and as my Abandoned construct word formation, using Abandoned as a key, I see myself in this memory example, walking into my reality my construct preferences: Such as in trudging the wasteland between the cliffs and the sea, following the tide line, possibly finding a thing of value, something washed up, something to be salvaged from the waves… or in my painting process, standing for and as awareness of something lost, something of great value over-trodden by the system of the world, something that I knew of deeply, and yet at the same time could not see.
Continuing next post…