Day 15: Settling into RelationshipsDay 15: Settling into Relationships
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when the opportunity arose throughout my life to get into a relationship, simply settle for whatever came along - without assessing if the relationship would actually be supportive and that I was placing myself in a situation where I would expand and enjoy myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my relationships within the personality design of ‘I am not good enough’ thus never allowing myself to pursue relationships which I actually wanted and saw would be cool - but would instead ‘settle’ for relationships where I felt safe and accepted and would thus not have to worry about not being good enough, but could instead feel like I was in control and dominated the relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting into relationships that I actually wanted to get into because then I feared that I would lose the relationship, or that my partner would see that I wasn’t good enough and leave me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was pursued by a male that I was interested in being a relationship with, run away from the potential relationship for fear of the person ‘seeing me for who I really am’ which I believed to be a loser/fraud/uncool, so I would simply stay at a ‘safe distance’ wherein I could remain in the idea of what I believed the person was seeing me as, which was ‘cool’ or even ‘hard to get’ – until they would finally give up and move on, and I would feel relieved, yet also disappointed in myself for not directing the opportunity, but remaining in fear of being exposed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide I am a failure at relationships before even going into a relationship, and to thus then within this settle for any relationship that comes along because of already believing that I am unable to have a relationship with who I would like to walk with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place myself in relationships where I wouldn’t have to face or challenge the point of me not feeling like I was good enough, but to instead get into relationships with men who I felt ‘needed some work’ and thus took on relationships like they were ‘projects’ wherein I could make my partner into what I wanted them to be – which never matched up, thus I was constantly unsatisfied and felt like a failure when the relationship ended.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret expectations of how I want to experience myself within a relationship, and when those expectations do not meet up with reality, believe that the relationship is a failure, and moreover that I am a failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so extensively judge my body and fuel these judgments with backchat that I am ugly, no one wants to be with me – that when a male would come along and give me attention, and tell me that I was beautiful, I would instantly become mesmerized by his words because I was so lacking in self-acceptance that I would get into a relationship and stay in the relationship just so I could be reassured through another that I wasn’t ugly, even though the backchat remained and no point of self-support/self-intimacy/self-acceptance was developed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation/acceptance outside myself and to thus then within this compromise myself through not giving to myself that which I want from another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear telling my partner how I was actually experiencing myself for fear that they would see me as how I saw me and either leave me, or use how I felt about myself against me and that the dominant tables would be turned and I would become the submissive one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable within the discomfort of knowing that I had settled into a relationship, and to through time talk myself into it being ‘okay’ even though it never was – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself within relationships due to constantly and continuously requiring to suppress how I was actually experiencing myself - to such an extent that it wouldn’t be until the relationship finally ended that I would see just how physically drained I actually was.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physically body through suppressing backchat and judgments that would arise in relation to the relationship and ‘who I was’ and ‘who I was becoming’ within the relationship, and to within this disregard my physical body and the support it was giving me in signs of pain and ailments which I didn’t want to see were linked to my relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue for my limitations by/through talking myself into staying in a relationship that I saw was not best, but was too afraid to let go of due to the comfort zone of complacency I had created and 'settled into' wherein I was 'okay' and 'fine' with 'the way things are' - thus not wanting to face the fact that I was diminishing myself through just-if-I-cations, believing that just-if-I hold on a bit longer, things will get better, yet doing nothing to establish effective communication with my partner or share myself intimately with my partner in regards to what I am experiencing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into relationships wherein I latched onto one point I felt satisfied with that I felt like my partner ‘gave me’ - such as feeling beautiful/good enough, and to thus then not even consider if my partner was accepting me, as ALL of who I am, but was only looking at this one point of acceptance, and ‘settled’ within that.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to BE that which I want/desire from my partner and to thus then within this establish a self-standing that does not require words/actions from another to make me feel a certain way, or create an energetic experience within me that does not last and I end up feeling depleted and eventually want out of the relationship because I believe it is no longer giving me what I want, all because I have never given myself what I want as what will support me to be/become my utmost potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge the relationships where I settled, and to fear what other people thought about my relationship, and to fear that people saw how the relationship wasn’t supportive, because that’s what I saw but didn’t want to be self-honest so projected it onto others so as to not have to face it, work with it, and correct it – so as to ensure that I only place myself in effective relationships that will best support me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to creating energetic relationships based on feelings and not practical common sense living, have my relationships end in disappointment and disgust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within so much self-hate that I actually spited myself by settling into relationships which I clearly saw were not supportive, nor best.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within so much self-judgment and self-hate that I didn’t believe I deserved to be in a relationship that would support me, be best for me, and that I would actually enjoy and expand within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately settle for men I saw as ‘weak’ so that I could remain within the belief that I was superior and strong and thus then wouldn’t have to face the actual weakness and inferiority that I felt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite, judge, and try and find faults in other people’s relationships wherein I believed their relationship was ‘cool’ – because I didn’t want to face what the other’s relationship was showing me - how I have accepted and allowed myself to settled for ‘less than’ who I am able to walk with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for how I experienced myself within the relationship due to not wanting to see/realize/understand that I created the entire experience myself by/through allowing myself to base the entire relationship on ‘settling’ – thus I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to constantly have a ‘nagging feeling’ throughout the relationship that something was just not right, but not direct this feeling, only further enslaving myself by not doing anything to investigate an effective solution for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by/through deliberately placing myself in relationships which only constrict and limit me, so that I don’t have to move myself beyond my threshold of comfort and expand beyond my ideas and judgments of myself into a being of actual substance, life – a being who is the living expression of self-acceptance, and self-intimacy.
I commit myself to never accept or settle for anything less than who I really am, in any given situation, and to only place myself in a position that is best me, as what is best for ALL.
I commit myself to stop abusing myself with self-judgments which only serve to diminish me so that I can manipulate myself by/through creating an experience of myself being a victim.
I do not accept myself as a victim in this ONE life I have been given unconditionally here on Earth – what a waste!
I commit to only accept myself as who I really am, as LIFE – and will not stop until I am Life in every way.
I commit myself to develop and establish effective relationship/agreements with all beings in my world - relationships/agreements that are based in trust, integrity, communication and respect for who the being actually is, and for who I actually am - because I live self-trust, self-integrity, self-communication and self-respect - thus do not allow myself to compromise myself nor another due to holding on to any limitations, but set myself and all beings free through ending the enslavement that I have allowed as my mind.
I commit myself to live self-intimacy as who I am, wherein I am comfortable with myself no matter where I am or who I am with – I am here sharing myself unconditionally with all of existence, without regret, guilt, or shame.
I commit myself to – when and as an opportunity for a relationship/agreement arises – stop, breathe – slow down and assess all points, all potential play-outs, all scenarios, everything in absolute mathematical detail and precision to the best of my ability before I make a decision, and do not allow myself to settle in any way. If I self-honestly see that I may compromise myself, I let the potential relationship/agreement go without hesitation as I see clearly that to allow even an iota of compromise is allowing total and complete self-sabotage and self-abuse.
I commit myself to all life - not one single being.
I commit myself to who I am as all of existence and will not settle, nor stop - until I am IT - through and through.
For further support:Creation's Journey to Life - Day 13: Failed RelationshipsDesteni I Process - Agreement Course: Re-Defining Relationships