A Psychologist's Journey to Life

[Lindsay]

Day 15: Settling into Relationships


Day 15: Settling into Relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when the opportunity arose throughout my life to get into a relationship, simply settle for whatever came along - without assessing if the relationship would actually be supportive and that I was placing myself in a situation where I would expand and enjoy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my relationships within the personality design of ‘I am not good enough’ thus never allowing myself to pursue relationships which I actually wanted and saw would be cool - but would instead ‘settle’ for relationships where I felt safe and accepted and would thus not have to worry about not being good enough, but could instead feel like I was in control and dominated the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting into relationships that I actually wanted to get into because then I feared that I would lose the relationship, or that my partner would see that I wasn’t good enough and leave me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was pursued by a male that I was interested in being a relationship with, run away from the potential relationship for fear of the person ‘seeing me for who I really am’ which I believed to be a loser/fraud/uncool, so I would simply stay at a ‘safe distance’ wherein I could remain in the idea of what I believed the person was seeing me as, which was ‘cool’ or even ‘hard to get’ – until they would finally give up and move on, and I would feel relieved, yet also disappointed in myself for not directing the opportunity, but remaining in fear of being exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide I am a failure at relationships before even going into a relationship, and to thus then within this settle for any relationship that comes along because of already believing that I am unable to have a relationship with who I would like to walk with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place myself in relationships where I wouldn’t have to face or challenge the point of me not feeling like I was good enough, but to instead get into relationships with men who I felt ‘needed some work’ and thus took on relationships like they were ‘projects’ wherein I could make my partner into what I wanted them to be – which never matched up, thus I was constantly unsatisfied and felt like a failure when the relationship ended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have secret expectations of how I want to experience myself within a relationship, and when those expectations do not meet up with reality, believe that the relationship is a failure, and moreover that I am a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so extensively judge my body and fuel these judgments with backchat that I am ugly, no one wants to be with me – that when a male would come along and give me attention, and tell me that I was beautiful, I would instantly become mesmerized by his words because I was so lacking in self-acceptance that I would get into a relationship and stay in the relationship just so I could be reassured through another that I wasn’t ugly, even though the backchat remained and no point of self-support/self-intimacy/self-acceptance was developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation/acceptance outside myself and to thus then within this compromise myself through not giving to myself that which I want from another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear telling my partner how I was actually experiencing myself for fear that they would see me as how I saw me and either leave me, or use how I felt about myself against me and that the dominant tables would be turned and I would become the submissive one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable within the discomfort of knowing that I had settled into a relationship, and to through time talk myself into it being ‘okay’ even though it never was – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself within relationships due to constantly and continuously requiring to suppress how I was actually experiencing myself - to such an extent that it wouldn’t be until the relationship finally ended that I would see just how physically drained I actually was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physically body through suppressing backchat and judgments that would arise in relation to the relationship and ‘who I was’ and ‘who I was becoming’ within the relationship, and to within this disregard my physical body and the support it was giving me in signs of pain and ailments which I didn’t want to see were linked to my relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue for my limitations by/through talking myself into staying in a relationship that I saw was not best, but was too afraid to let go of due to the comfort zone of complacency I had created and 'settled into' wherein I was 'okay' and 'fine' with 'the way things are' - thus not wanting to face the fact that I was diminishing myself through just-if-I-cations, believing that just-if-I hold on a bit longer, things will get better, yet doing nothing to establish effective communication with my partner or share myself intimately with my partner in regards to what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into relationships wherein I latched onto one point I felt satisfied with that I felt like my partner ‘gave me’ - such as feeling beautiful/good enough, and to thus then not even consider if my partner was accepting me, as ALL of who I am, but was only looking at this one point of acceptance, and ‘settled’ within that.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to BE that which I want/desire from my partner and to thus then within this establish a self-standing that does not require words/actions from another to make me feel a certain way, or create an energetic experience within me that does not last and I end up feeling depleted and eventually want out of the relationship because I believe it is no longer giving me what I want, all because I have never given myself what I want as what will support me to be/become my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge the relationships where I settled, and to fear what other people thought about my relationship, and to fear that people saw how the relationship wasn’t supportive, because that’s what I saw but didn’t want to be self-honest so projected it onto others so as to not have to face it, work with it, and correct it – so as to ensure that I only place myself in effective relationships that will best support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, due to creating energetic relationships based on feelings and not practical common sense living, have my relationships end in disappointment and disgust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within so much self-hate that I actually spited myself by settling into relationships which I clearly saw were not supportive, nor best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within so much self-judgment and self-hate that I didn’t believe I deserved to be in a relationship that would support me, be best for me, and that I would actually enjoy and expand within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately settle for men I saw as ‘weak’ so that I could remain within the belief that I was superior and strong and thus then wouldn’t have to face the actual weakness and inferiority that I felt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite, judge, and try and find faults in other people’s relationships wherein I believed their relationship was ‘cool’ – because I didn’t want to face what the other’s relationship was showing me - how I have accepted and allowed myself to settled for ‘less than’ who I am able to walk with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for how I experienced myself within the relationship due to not wanting to see/realize/understand that I created the entire experience myself by/through allowing myself to base the entire relationship on ‘settling’ – thus I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to constantly have a ‘nagging feeling’ throughout the relationship that something was just not right, but not direct this feeling, only further enslaving myself by not doing anything to investigate an effective solution for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by/through deliberately placing myself in relationships which only constrict and limit me, so that I don’t have to move myself beyond my threshold of comfort and expand beyond my ideas and judgments of myself into a being of actual substance, life – a being who is the living expression of self-acceptance, and self-intimacy.


I commit myself to never accept or settle for anything less than who I really am, in any given situation, and to only place myself in a position that is best me, as what is best for ALL.

I commit myself to stop abusing myself with self-judgments which only serve to diminish me so that I can manipulate myself by/through creating an experience of myself being a victim.

I do not accept myself as a victim in this ONE life I have been given unconditionally here on Earth – what a waste!

I commit to only accept myself as who I really am, as LIFE – and will not stop until I am Life in every way.

I commit myself to develop and establish effective relationship/agreements with all beings in my world - relationships/agreements that are based in trust, integrity, communication and respect for who the being actually is, and for who I actually am - because I live self-trust, self-integrity, self-communication and self-respect - thus do not allow myself to compromise myself nor another due to holding on to any limitations, but set myself and all beings free through ending the enslavement that I have allowed as my mind.

I commit myself to live self-intimacy as who I am, wherein I am comfortable with myself no matter where I am or who I am with – I am here sharing myself unconditionally with all of existence, without regret, guilt, or shame.

I commit myself to – when and as an opportunity for a relationship/agreement arises – stop, breathe – slow down and assess all points, all potential play-outs, all scenarios, everything in absolute mathematical detail and precision to the best of my ability before I make a decision, and do not allow myself to settle in any way. If I self-honestly see that I may compromise myself, I let the potential relationship/agreement go without hesitation as I see clearly that to allow even an iota of compromise is allowing total and complete self-sabotage and self-abuse.

I commit myself to all life - not one single being.

I commit myself to who I am as all of existence and will not settle, nor stop - until I am IT - through and through.


For further support:

Creation's Journey to Life - Day 13: Failed Relationships
Desteni I Process - Agreement Course: Re-Defining Relationships

[Lindsay]

Day 16: Giving My Power Away within Relationships

Day 16: Giving My Power Away within Relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately place myself in relationships where I do not expand myself but only stifle my self-expression, thus giving my power away to the relationship and accepting and allowing self-limitation, as I just let my life happen to me without caring about myself and respecting myself to ensure that I am always placing myself in a position that is going to create the best outcome for all Life.

artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be the self-directive principle of my life and only place myself in relationships where I am able to be/become my utmost potential – not accepting nor allowing anything in my world than may potentially compromise my ability to expand beyond my wildest dreams; to be/become so much more than I could have every imagined – as this is what is best for all - anything less than what is best for all is absolute malevolence, as I am actually limiting all of existence within doing this because me spending time in limitation/victimization/ego/self-interest is withholding my self-power as creator to create a world that is best for all in every way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within settling for relationships where I stifle my self-expression, accept and allow self-abuse, as I am in fact manipulating myself into diminishment, claiming victimization, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that I ALONE created my experience, thus I ALONE am responsible to change and direct myself to step out of my self-created limitation and expand myself beyond my threshold of comfort, within realizing that I am not actually comfortable at all, but have only ‘settled into’ a state of apathy and giving up on myself as who I am actually able to be/become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish who I am truly capable of being within my relationships due to activating self-sabotage mechanisms which I believed would keep me ‘safe’ from feeling like a failure if I go beyond what I believed I am capable of, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these justifications as if they were valid and to through this talk myself into believing that the relationships I created were acceptable, when they clearly were not, as I only further disempowered myself with each relationship, continuously compromising myself and incessantly creating the experience of me being a prisoner within the relationship, not realizing that I held the key to free myself and to escape my imprisonment so as to allow myself to truly LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to only create and develop relationships which assist me in becoming the most perfect version of me, as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kid myself within hollow just-if-I-cations – stating just-if-I do this or that maybe the relationship will work out, thus not being self-honest in seeing that my waiting, hoping, and trying/attempting to convince myself, is only prolonging the inevitable failure of the relationship, because the moment I am ‘talking myself into’ staying in the relationship, there is already a problem, and if that problem is not addressed in a self-directive manner, with open, self-honest and effective communication, then further self-disempowerment will accumulate to the point of breakup; ending in shame, sorrow and disappointment because I SAW clearly, all along, that I was spiting myself but was too scared to admit it and face the reality so as to take responsibility, take my power back, and care about myself enough to say NO! and to Live that NO as a self-directive statement of who I am as a being that lives self-respect and does not allow anything less than what is Best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously experience shame, regret, sorrow and disappointment following the end of my relationships because it is when the end finally comes that I finally allow myself to see what I was accepting and allowing within the relationship, and finally allow myself to see what I could have done differently and how I could have directed the relationship, but didn’t because of allowing myself to settle and remain complacent, not push for what is best no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame, regret, sorrow and disappointment proceeding the end of relationships because I saw clearly that I in no way stood up to create a better world through developing the relationships I created into relationships of substance, support, intimacy, trust, stability and respect; but instead hid and distracted myself within relationships, and thus allowed myself to live the statement: ‘misery loves company’ wherein my partner and I fed off of each other’s misery and contempt like vampire lovers, sucking the energy out of each other as if it was some form of entertainment, while disregarding and ignoring the absolute atrocity of a world system that was also busy sucking the lives out of everything/everyone, simultaneously – thus I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to see that the world system was/is reflecting my relationships back at me, showing me what I am in fact doing to myself/others/existence and how I am depleting and destroying myself by/through giving my power away to elusive experiences and insubstantial relationships instead of standing here in all my power and ensuring that I am a forced to be reckoned with in my ONE Life on this here planet Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kid myself into believing that my relationships were anything more than a delusion, and within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to so trick myself within my justifications that it wasn’t until the relationship shit the bed that I woke up out of my stupor, for a moment, and experienced the disappointment, as I saw how I had in fact ‘let myself down’ by/through not doing whatever it took to create a relationship of veracity, honour, dignity and worth – standing together with another being to unconditionally support each other in becoming the power of Life in all ways – a power which does not abuse, exploit, manipulate, or disregard a single particle, but is absolute in expression and directive will to such an extent that this power blows away anything that is not standing within the principle of that which is best for all life, and exposes any minute element that is not aligned to equality and oneness.

This is the kind of power that I commit myself to be/become within all my relationships, including and most importantly the relationship with myself – the agreement I commit to with myself to NEVER settle, to NEVER allow justifications to override common sense, and to NEVER give away my power to an illusion.

I commit myself to only develop and create relationships which I see clearly will support in manifesting the Power of Life on Earth for ALL to revel in.

I commit myself to empower myself in every way possible and to within this utilize my power to create a world of dignity where not a single prison will remain, but all will be free to express themselves, enjoy themselves and expand themselves beyond anything that has ever been conceivable to man, as man has always accepted limitation and separation - I commit myself to break these chains and to set Life Free.

artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo
I commit myself to utilize the key of self-forgiveness to unlock myself from my self-created prison so that I may be an example to others that they may also do the same – and I do not stop until all are free, as there is no freedom until freedom is real, true, and here for all equally.

I commit myself to develop effective relationships with my human physical body, with nature, with animals, with cells, atoms, and all of existence – the micro and the macro – to develop communication skills that are unconditional within the realization that I am all that is here, thus the only thing that is stopping me from communicating with and establishing effective relationships with ALL OF ME – IS ME! Is me accepting myself as a limited mind.

Thus, I commit myself to walk the absolute decision to delete ALL points/parts/aspects/relationships within myself and my world that are not best for all Life and to nurture/cultivate/support and develop relationships based on Life Principles that are able to last the test of time.

[Lindsay]

Day 17: My ‘Life’ as a Failure --> link to blog-post: http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/ ... ilure.html


I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to self-honestly admit to myself that everything that I have ever done in my life has amounted to nothing because the starting point within all that I have ever participated in was in no way aligned to bring forth a world that is best for all, and thus nothing that I have ever done could stand, as it was never real to begin with, but was based on separation from the whole within my own self-interest and preservation of myself as a limited ego.


I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to self-honestly face the extent to which I have sabotaged and limited myself when standing at the precipice of change, wherein I ‘took the path of least resistance’ so that I would not have to face myself within unpredictability and the unknown, but could instead remain within the illusion of control, where things were predictable - believing that I could anticipate the outcome – yet, the outcome never amounted to anything of value, as I was not actually valuing nor caring about or for myself in any way, but instead only settled into the limited version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stepping out of who I have believed/perceived myself to be, because then I would have to trust myself that I would stand through the face of any resistance, and that I would succeed - thus I forgive myself that I instead talked myself into believing that I wouldn’t be okay and that I would fail, so didn’t even try - so as to justify why it was a ‘good idea’ to not do that which would assist and support me to grow/expand/change and become more than what I believed was possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately choose fear over life, as I saw clearly when an opportunity would arise that it would be best for me to take the opportunity and discover myself beyond my comfort zone, but would always find a way to sabotage myself into failing and giving up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself by/through cooking up elaborate and detailed justifications as to why I should not do something that I saw self-honestly I would actually enjoy doing, but was too afraid of facing the potential failure, and not even that as much as the fear of actually being successful and stepping out of my limitations, as that would require letting go of who I was which due to me defining myself so extensively to who I believed myself to be, felt more like dying than an opportunity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting die that which was never alive to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within such an extensive amount of self-loathing and self-hatred that I actually designed an abusive love/hate relationship with myself, wherein I was addicted to battering myself with nasty and vindictive thoughts, yet hid and buried this behind spirituality, love and blessings to such an extent that I was petrified to admit this to myself as that would mean the entire persona I had built would be exposed and thus have to stop and I feared ending my internal-relationship, as I was addicted to the experience of both ‘love’ and the ‘hate’ as this entire polarity play-out would generate and feed me with so much energy that I feared being without this experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so tacitly define myself as a failure that when opportunities of success came along I would immediately fall back and retract because I had already decided within myself that it was useless to even try, because I was already fucked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the personality design of ‘I am a failure’ and to allow this personality to run on autopilot behind everything that I participated in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame in relation to what I have created in and throughout my life – which is nothing; nothing of substance, nothing of value, nothing of worth, nothing of significance, because I did not value myself, I did not find myself to be worthy, I did not find myself to be significant – thus, this is what I lived in everything that I have participated in, as I believed that I was fucked, that this world was fucked, and that there was no point to anything – yet, I did not express this, nor admit this to myself because I wanted to believe that hopefully there is love ‘out there’ and there is ‘blessings’ and ‘divinity’ – not seeing/realizing/understanding that I was in total separation from myself in BEING/BECOMING self-love and caring about myself enough to create myself into a divine being simply by realizing that I am worthy of Life – yet also realizing that I must prove myself to be worthy by/through stopping all limitation and fear and standing up to become the point of change that is required to bring forth a world that is also worth living in, as a reflection of my divine self manifested within/throughout this entire world system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear admitting that I have spent much of my life depressed – believing that everything was fucked, useless, pointless and that myself and this entire world was a complete and total failure – yet, because I supressed this depression so extensively I did not see that it was due to this massive depression that I was attracted to and immersed myself fully into spirituality as a way to numb the pain I felt inside, as a way to distract myself from facing my darkness and the darkness of this world – I enveloped myself in the LIEght and fed my head with bullshit mantras to try and drown out the sorrow, disappointment and shame for what I was becoming – a complacent, apathetic failure who didn’t give a shit about myself or this world because if I would have cared, I would have done whatever it took to practically create a change that would bring dignity to myself and this world, and I didn’t. I just kept running away, failing, running away, failing, running away, failing…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that I have lived most of my life within depression because of how extensively I judged my mom for seeing her depressed, thus I forgive myself that I did NOT realize that my mom was reflecting my depression that I was accepting and allowing within myself back to me, yet I was not willing to stand equal to and one with her so that we could support each other in stopping, but instead blamed her for being a failure when I was only ever speaking to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find within myself even a single reason to not let go of my past, to let my past die, as I see clearly that my past is not worthy of Life, it is not worthy of breath, it is not worthy of continuing on, as it only reinforces failure – luring me into intangible memories, picture images, thoughts, feelings, emotions and energetic distractions to keep me trapped, enslaved and immobilized within my mind – continuing to disregard what is real, what is here, and what requires sorting out to ensure that not another being needlessly suffers for another moment on this planet.


I commit myself to lure myself out of this failure design I have created for myself so as to step into the unknown and let go of wanting/desiring control which is indeed only an illusion and does nothing to bring forth a better world – the best world possible – which will only come about by/through me standing up and pushing myself to become successful in this world system so as to transform this world system into a system that is best for all life – no matter what obstacle comes my way, as I see clearly that many, many obstacles are yet to be faced, thus I prepare myself for anything and everything by/through the simple act of breathing HERE - when I breathe here, as breath, totally and completely, there is no room for fear, for instability, for wavering, for failure – there is only absolute self-direction as breath and here, anything is possible.

I commit myself to walk myself out of the depression I have allowed within me, to not be ashamed of it, to not deny it, but to admit it each and every time it arises so as to not de-press it back down, but to face it head-on so that I can learn how I have created each dimension of depression and release each point one by one – until here no further!

I commit myself to let go of my past and the regret I have experienced for all the opportunities I have squandered, wasted and let slip through my fingers because I realize that to wallow is to continue squandering, wasting, and letting slip through my fingers the life that is right here, which is the only place where real change can happen. I cannot change my past – I can only change who I am in this moment by/through no longer defining myself to my past, yet learning from my past so that I can stop the patterns and programs from influencing me within the realization that this is how I get to know myself, and this knowledge is indeed power, as I will be the one who decides who I will be, not my past – and a being that holds the knowledge of who they are through and through is the most powerful being in this entire existence.


To be continued…

[Lindsay]

Day 18: My ‘Life’ of Failure – Part 2 --> http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/ ... art-2.html


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘live’ my life according to the expectations of others and to not realize that even when I was going against the perceived expectations of others as a form of rebellion, I was still existing within an expectation – the expectation of myself to ‘become something else’ in spite of what others/society may want me to be, yet was only actually spiting myself - thus I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to live for me, but always felt, no matter what I did, that there was something missing – not realizing that it was ME that was missing the entire time, and that I would always fail and never live a fulfilling and satisfying life until I stopped trying to be something other than who I am.

I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to realize that trying/attempting to fulfill expectations is not living, but is only chasing after an illusory idea that can never and will never be attained, as expectations are beyond the realm of the attainable and are always just out of reach so as to keep one trapped in a mind-game, disregarding self totally and who self is as Life – thus will always and in all ways lead to the experience of failure as a brilliant design to keep self enslaved to one’s mind within/as an energetic addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not my idea of strong in every moment, then I am a failure – thus I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that who I am in each moment is not dependent on the notion of strength nor weakness, or any other polarity for that matter, and that I have the ability to decide who I will be in each moment, based on that particular moment, within that particular context, and therefore am in no way limited to a single expression, but instead allow myself to embrace all expression of myself without judgment, and as such utilize each moment as an opportunity to dis-cover and explore the multitudinous expressions of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure, thus latching on to another self-definition instead of stopping, standing up and realizing that there is no such thing as ‘success’ within this entire world system, as any ‘success’ that is achieved currently is achieved from stepping on the head of another. Therefore, until this entire world system is aligned to equality and oneness, where no single being is abused so that another may prosper, we are all failures as human beings, because we have deliberately turned our backs on each other and this world to chase after an illusion, while the reality of ourselves as the potential we have to create a world that is best for all is right here and we’re missing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by labelling my entire life as ‘one big failure’ within an emotional reaction, thus discounting the entire process and all the experiences that I’ve walked to bring me to realizing myself, as I see that it has been through me walking the life that I’ve walked that has actually supported me to see the world the way that I see it, and to have the insights that I have had which have assisted me in standing up and being clear within my commitment to life and to bring about a world that is best for all, as I accumulated my life to a point where it was common sense to me that equality and oneness is the only way to stop the suffering on Earth and to be/become a self-responsible being with the integrity necessary to ensure a dignified life for all, as that which I would want for myself and the children who are yet to be born into this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all of existence by/through creating/generating/perpetuating energetic experiences which I utilized to determine who I am, based on how I ‘felt’ in any given moment, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that who I am is not an energetic experience and that I in fact have the ability to determine for myself who I will be in any given moment, as a self-directed movement stating: I am here!


I commit myself to – when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to label myself as a failure as a way to manipulate myself into creating an energetic experience of disappointment – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am walking myself out of the failure I have existed within since time immemorial as the sins of the fathers, carrying the weight/burden of those that have come before me unnecessarily, thus I within this commit myself to let go of the weight and stop waiting and wallowing in that which is done, in the past, and of no relevance to this moment besides seeing the correction that is necessary and walking it fully – which I realize won’t be until this world is worth living in.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility in stopping the perpetuation of a failed humanity and to within this stop the cycles of abuse and disregard for life that has been playing out since humanity’s first breath – I will not stop until every single being on this planet is able to live a successful life to their utmost potential.

I commit myself to utilize these statements of commitment to re-align my life, as I see clearly that to make such statements is aligning myself to the physical wherein the physical will surely support me in making sure to it that I stand within my commitments – thus, I humble myself in placing before me these ‘pledges’ to life and when and as I see myself accessing a desire to ‘fall back’ into old patterning – I stop, I breathe – and I bring myself back to the physical as that constant point of stable support which I can trust, realizing that I cannot trust my mind, as it has always and will always fail me in every way.

[Lindsay]

Day 19: I Want YOU to See ME this Way… --> http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/ ... s-way.html


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire for others to see me as strong, stable, cool, unwavering such that I actually compromise myself in walking my life self-honestly, as I am walking my life for others, as what I believe I should be through the eyes of others – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life determining myself to only show others the parts/aspects of myself that I want them to see, thus sabotaging my ability to be intimate and develop effective relationships with others due to not wanting others to see me in certain ways that I have labelled as negative and shameful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself by/through constantly being ‘on guard’ with trying to make sure that I don’t ‘slip’ and show a part of myself that I would rather another not see, as I believe that it may ‘ruin’ me as who I want the other to see me as, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that this fear of how others may see me has nothing at all to do with others, but is actually a fear of facing these points/parts/aspects of myself which I have deemed as negative/shameful/unacceptable – therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress how I am actually experiencing myself in any given moment, so that I can instead project a personality which I believe to be positive and even admirable, all so that I can create an experience for myself of being that – yet, within this not allowing myself to see that not only am I not ‘that’ but ‘that’ does not even exist, is not real and is extensively draining to my physical body – thus…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body which supports me unconditionally by/through participating in a constant and continuous desire for control of ‘who I am’ as how I want to be seen – thus not seeing myself, as who I REALLY am, in any way – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constrict and control my movements in this reality to fit into how I believe I SHOULD act within the particular personality I am trying to project myself as, thus not moving as self-expression, but as a mind-possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when in the presence of certain beings, make the decision that I cannot trust the being, thus believing that I cannot ‘be myself’ but that I have to ‘restrain myself’ due to fearing that if I were to express myself as who I am unconditionally in any given moment, then that person may use this against me – thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that in those moments of fearing that another may use how I express myself against me, I am actually the only one that is using how I am expressing myself against me, by/through judging myself and separating myself from my world, fearing what another/others with think of me if I were to show parts of myself that I have deemed as negative/bad/undesirable/disgraceful – thus…

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust myself that I am able to stand here, stable, breathing and unconditionally share myself with my world without a single reaction – within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as who I am, and to live who I am without judgment, labels, projections, or backchat – but as a self-directed movement of me realizing that I am here, equal and one to all that is here as the same substance as myself, and thus do not require validation/acceptance from another, as that is separation and ignorance to who I really am, as well as who all other beings are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another may use how I express myself in a particular moment against me, thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that it does not matter in terms of who I am, whether or not a being tries/attempts to use something against me, as another can only use something against me if I allow it, otherwise what another tries to do to me will have no effect whatsoever, and will simply flow right through me without a single internal-movement or reaction on my part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable as I have judged vulnerability as weak and pathetic, which I see clearly has only been a defence mechanism that I’ve used as a manipulation tactic to not face myself as how I am actually experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability due to tacitly believing that if I were to show vulnerability then my survival would be threatened, as I would become a target in the system which states that ‘only the strongest survive’ – thus I created myself into the personality of strength in order to cope in the system and just survive, making sure to not show what’s really going on inside me, for fear of it being used against me, wherein I would be cast away, isolated, and left to ‘fend for myself.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally miss opportunities for effective relationships with others that could have been supportive and nourishing, due to being in constant ‘survival mode’ wherein I would only go ‘so far’ in letting a person into ‘my world’ and in most cases if I let someone in ‘farther’ by letting my guard down, I would experience fear of losing control and would sabotage the relationship and run away back to my ‘comfort zone’ of self-deception where I felt ‘safe’ and in control of ‘who I am’ – which was all an illusion, as I was never comfortable, nor in control, but was totally exhausted due to being at the complete whim of my emotional experiences and energetic spasms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only develop relationships with people who would agree with my personality/personalities and who would validate me, wherein we would both feed off of each other’s mind fucks in total isolation and separation from the real world, only using each other for our own twisted self-interest to get a high off of our own ideas of grandeur which were absolute fantasies and illusions without even a shred of substance, as within this I disregarded Life completely, turning a blind eye to the absolute suffering and pain going on in this real world so that I could get off on a positive experience which never lasted and I always required a re-charge – thus I never really cared about the actual person as who they really were, but only about how much energy I could obtain from hanging around them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist developing relationships with those who do not agree with me, and to create excuses that ‘we just don’t get along’ or ‘I don’t like their vibe’ or ‘there’s just something about them that’s off’ as a way to deflect from the fact that this person is actually showing me a part of myself that I have not yet allowed myself to stand equal to and one with, and because this person isn’t giving me validation and generating a positive energetic experience for me, then I deem them as ‘not cool’ and someone to stay away from – not seeing/realizing/understanding that it has NOTHING to do with the other person, but with ME always, and it is precisely these types of people/relationships that were showing me the most about who I really am, as the reality of myself, that which was in no way is revealed when only establishing relationships with those that confirmed my delusions.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to really get to know a single being in my entire world, as I’ve always and in all ways hide behind a persona, projected out into my world, thus I have never actually known myself, have never actually been self-intimate, thus explains why I have never been able to be really intimate with another – through and through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into certain and specific experiences just to create a feeling of being alive, instead of letting go of the limitations of experiences and becoming alive, for real, which would mean me letting go of all personalities/personas/defence mechanisms and to actually embrace all of me that is here in each moment – unconditionally…

And that, is definitely what I commit myself to do –

I commit myself to let go of how I want to be seen, as who I think I am, so that I may embrace who I really am, firstly who I am within all my fuck ups and blunders - to admit that I have fucked up by creating personalities to distract me from reality instead of creating a world that is best for all life – and from that point I commit myself to practically let go of the systems of abuse in this world, wrought by the hands of delusional personalities, equal to my own, throughout the ages – I see that these systems of abuse are here because of what I have accepted and allowed, throughout all my lives here on this planet, as I in no way challenged these systems, but only submitted to them, just like I submitted to my personalities - thus I commit myself to show myself and this world the destructive nature of allowing personalities free reign so as to stand as an example that when a being stands within solid principles that are best for all Life, one can change the world.

I commit myself to embrace vulnerability and to no longer seek to hide myself from others in order to try and maintain a rigid system of control within myself that only gives as much as I feel safe with giving – not realizing that this in no way is a form of ‘giving’ but is in fact stealing, as I am stealing from myself opportunities of intimacy with myself and others, stealing moments of life from myself and moments to expand myself to become more than a limited personality with a one-track mind set on survival.

I commit myself to give to another that which I would like to receive – I realize that I would like to receive intimacy from another, in terms of establishing effective relationships with the beings in my world, thus I must be willing to give intimacy to the beings in my world; to share myself openly and not only share the parts of myself that I want others to see me as – I commit myself to first and foremost give intimacy to myself, to establish an effective relationships with myself, where I am comfortable in my own skin; to really get to know myself down to the core of my being so that I am not swayed by my reality, I am not influenced or controlled by my reality, but I am the directive principle of my reality, as I decide who I will be, not my fear of what others may think of me.

I commit myself to stop existing in separation by placing value on what I think others are thinking, which is simply what I am thinking about myself, but have projected it onto another in a self-spiteful manner as a way to bully myself, as I see clearly that these points of caring what others think of me has nothing to do with others in the least - and as such I commit myself to each and every single time I fear what another may be thinking of me - I stop, I breathe – and I bring that fear back to myself so as to see what I am separating myself from, to thus get to know myself, to take self-responsibility for what’s going on within me so that whomever I am with, I am here with completely, realizing that the other is merely a mirror reflecting me back to me as an opportunity to face myself, forgive myself, correct myself and change myself until not a single iota of separation exists anywhere.

I commit myself to stabilize myself so as to live the statement: I am the same yesterday, today and tomorrow – within realizing that I am not trustworthy until this statement is who I am, in fact – otherwise I am still allowing myself to be swayed by emotions/feelings/backchat which cannot be trusted, as the decisions that are made within these ‘states of being’ will not be self-honest nor create a world that is best for all, thus I commit myself to stop being at the whim of experiences, and support myself to no matter who I am with, not change or alter myself to fit into what I think I should be in that moment to ‘make it easier’ to cope, but instead I commit myself to challenge every aspect of who I think I am, in every single moment, so that I can get down to the real deal of what is going on here without the mind bullshit making a complete mess of everything.

I commit myself to be myself…and do not allow myself to state: I don’t know what that is.

[Lindsay]

Day 20: The Bewildered Herd, Trapped in Self-Interest – Part 1 --> http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/ ... -none.html


After watching Part 1 of the Adam Curtis documentary The Trap today (The Trap - 1 - F*K You Buddy), I realized some interesting correlations between what I wrote yesterday (along with various points in other posts I’ve written recently) in terms of self-interest and trusting another human being - wherein I’ve seen how throughout my life I haven’t actually gotten to know myself nor another human being as who I/they really are due to a general distrust and fear of people using information about me, against me, for their own self-interest – and that fear was in place because that is precisely what I’ve done, as that was what I was taught to do as a way to survive and ‘succeed’ in this system of competition – so, just as I stated last night, my starting point in relationships were mainly based on fulfilling my own self-interest, thus not considering the other nor myself as Life, but only as a ways and means to obtain what I want/need/desire so that I could continue surviving.

So, while watching the documentary today, I realized more clearly how I was conditioned within my thoughts/words/deeds to express myself in this manner, as an automatic preprogrammed reaction to myself and my world, as this is what the entire world system that I was born into breeds – isolation, suspicion, glorification of individuality as a way to promote separation and attaining one’s self-interest at whatever cost; competition, fear, contempt, and a overall rottenness that has been propagated throughout humanity down to our very core.

Yet, the simple fact of our evilness as human beings does not mean it cannot be changed/corrected, quite the contrary, as to use the tired rebuttal that ‘it’s just human nature’ is indeed merely a justification to continue being an abuser of life – thus, another simple fact is that we can certainly change who we are as human beings, as all that is here is our own creation, which commonsensically reveals that if we created it, we can stop it and re-create it into a creation that values all Life in the best possible way – and obviously this starts with ourselves: the creators.

It’s just a matter of firstly admitting that from the get-go this creation has been totally fucked beyond repair – so, stating the obvious - once we can each gather the courage to acknowledge this, then we can really start getting our hands dirty by taking self-responsibility to dig up and sort through the rottenness of ourselves, to get to the core of what it is that we’re accepting and allowing and how what we’ve accepted and allowed within ourselves has manifested this entire world system, so we can change down to the very core what we accept and allow, and create a new system that is based on the single principle of what is best for all life, as that is the only principle that can stand the test of time and will not fall-out or destroy itself eventually, which is where this current system is unmistakably headed.

So here, throughout the next few blogs, I’ll be writing out self-forgiveness and self-corrective commitment statement in relation to the points discussed within/throughout the documentary, which is a 3-part series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to question this world system where it is believed that freedom cannot be attained without war, which is merely an extension of the war within each and every single human being, wherein we believe that we can achieve freedom from the enslavement to our minds through fighting and suppressing the rottenness that is actually going on inside of us, which only creates extensive internal-conflict, internal-war and self-abuse, which we’re too busy finding ways to distract ourselves through consumerism and generating energy as entertainment to see what we’re doing to ourselves and this world due to our fear of facing the fact that freedom will never be possible as long as war is existent, and that freedom will never be possible until each stands up and takes responsibility as creator and walks a process of self-correction to purify their creation to the image and likeness of heaven on Earth – within the solid understanding that none are free until all are free.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to question the nature of relationships in this world, wherein the starting point of our relationships are to strategically place ourselves in a position wherein we can control and manipulate each other into getting what we want/desire, yet disguising and masking our real malevolent intent with fake faces of benevolence and endearing words of love and kindness – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system where it is accepted and allowed to disguise war tactics with false affection; where our love is completely conditional and narrow in only allowing another into our ‘life’ if it will benefit us in some way, using various tactics of control as weapons to try and overtly/covertly threaten another into attaining our own selfish wants/desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wage war on my relationships wherein I always had a tactic, a strategy for how I would manipulate the other into getting what I wanted whether it be a material possession or for the sake of status and evolving my personality to attain a new level of perceived success on my path to apparently conquer the world and win at anyone/anythings expense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, without question, a system that venerates the attainment of one’s own selfish desires over what is best for all life – thus not seeing/realizing/understanding the outflows and consequences of such a starting point – which is a world filled with isolated, untrustworthy, suspicious, paranoid, obsessed, lonely human beings who are completely secluded within our own minds, only concerned with creating an experience of success without realizing that so long as one single solitary being is starving, suffering, or being abused, no real success can be achieved in any way, as this perceived success was attained at the expense of another’s life, which proves that freedom does not exist, as to have this perceived ‘freedom of success’ is to place another in chains.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree, whether directly or indirectly, to a system where fear is the driving motivation to create anything, to build anything, to expand anything, to achieve anything, to DO anything – as this fear is rooted in the tacit understanding that if I don’t create/build/expand/achieve or DO anything then I will not be supported; I will not survive – I will be cast out and left for dead as I served no purpose to the functioning of this system, as I did not fight tooth and nail for my piece of the pie – as I was not rotten enough, ruthless enough, cut-throat enough to make a mark, and therefore am forgotten with the blink of an eye – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by fear within this world system, and due to being totally possessed with fear, not slow down for a moment to see what it was that I was in fact agreeing to, but instead continued to trudge through this empty world constantly looking behind my shoulder, watching my back, to ensure that I wasn’t being fucked over by the next guy, while at the same time keeping tabs on all those around me to see ‘where I stand’ in my goal to satisfy my desires at their expense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to a system where our closest relationships are those which are the most threatening and invoke the most extensive terror within us, as when we ‘get to know’ another who discloses and shares pertinent information, we use this as an opportunity to store and file this information to potentially use against that person in the future, and due to this being ‘the way’ of the system, we realize that the other is doing just the same – thus we’re in constant fear of being exposed and betrayed, all because we have first and foremost betrayed ourselves and our responsibility to create a system where each being is able to be free and express themselves without fear of being exploited.


I commit myself to create a system where what is best for all is the only way to fulfil one’s self-interest, as self-interest that is attained within what is best for all does not compromise another, does not compromise life in any way, but considers all points/parts/aspects to ensure that no one/nothing is stifled by another’s movements in this world, which is certainly in the best interest of self.

I commit myself to stop any and all relationships within my world that are based in strategizing/war tactics/passive threats as I see clearly that this only reinforces enslavement and separation.

I commit myself to create a world system where relationships are based on trust, care, unconditional love, integrity, intimacy, respect and support, wherein no point of dependency is created so that one can have an experience for themselves that they are winning.

I commit myself to create a system where all beings are able to win, succeed and flourish, simply because that’s the way it should have always been.

I commit myself to expose any and all systems of this world which promote self-interest as a way to further separate, isolate, divide, and exploit in order to arouse fear as a method of control and enslavement.

I commit myself to expose all the rotten in this world, starting with myself, so as to eradicate all that which is not worthy of life and usher in a new world where what is best for all reigns.

I commit myself to do whatever it takes to wake up the bewildered herd so that we may work together to create a world where loving thy neighbor as thyself is lived fully in all ways, always.

[Lindsay]

Day 21: Trapped as a Happiness Machine – Part 2


Day 21: Trapped as a Happiness Machine – Part 2


For context in regards to this post watch part 2 of Adam Curtis’ documentary series The Trap: The Trap – 2 – The Lonely Robot, also check out my post from yesterday: Day 20: The Bewildered Herd, Trapped in Self-Interest – Part 1


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system where the word ‘freedom’ is linked to the word ‘capitalism’ wherein it is believed that freedom can be achieved through markets, number crunching, performance targets, profits motives and ridged calculations which only serve to further control, divide and separate human beings through fear, competition, survival and confusion – dumbing down humanity instead of freeing all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money could set me free and to even create this experience for myself when I had a sufficient amount of money in my pocket, which I become possessed by down to the very way in which I moved my body – thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that I was in no way free, but totally enslaved to an experience based on an illusion, which I allowed to control the way I thought, felt, acted and interacted with myself and my world, merely existing as an energetic happiness machine seeking to maintain the experience of perceived freedom while disregarding the totality of Life as myself and this planet which I allowed to be laid to ruins on my quest to fulfill the ultimate happiness within/as my own self-interest – within this…

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to subsequently demonize money and to reject money to where I did not even want to touch it because I began to see what it was doing to me, and I began to see what it was doing to others and this world, yet due to allowing a reaction to money direct me, I totally separated myself from seeing that it had nothing to do with the money in itself, but what I alone was accepting and allowing to be here as a world system which I participated in creating – I forgive myself that through this I made the decision to live without money, totally suppressing my starting point which was absolute self-sabotage and self-deluded in me believing that I could actually ‘get away from’ money just by no longer using it – thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that money has totally saturated every single crack and crevice of this world, thus there is no way that I am able to be separate from it, as it is a manifestation of who I am as a human being – thus I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to abdicate my self-responsibility to change the value of money from that of abuse/exploitation/suffering/pain to the simple value of Life as what is best for all – which is where the key to freedom actually resides.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt in vain to absolve myself of the ills that money has manifested in this world so as to not have to face the face that I was not happy with myself not this world in the least, but was actually filled with shame for being a part of a system that is such an abomination to Life, so as to thus then take responsibility to utilize shame as a way to move myself in ensuring a system worthy of living in for all beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and accept a world system where those that are ‘servants to the public’ are only ever servants to their own self-interest, enslaved to cutting corners, finding loopholes, and making behind the scenes deals so as to fulfill their own selfish desires, thus in no way standing in consideration of all life and how to best serve all life as the only principle which will usher in freedom from the current enslavement we’ve each accepted to be here – an enslavement that we’re all equally existing within/as, as we all have the responsibility to be ‘servants to the public’ as it is through abdicating this point of self-accountability that we have allowed to accumulate such atrocity and spitefulness against our neighbours; our neighbours which we are equal to and one with in the right to Life and dignity – thus it is in each of our best interest to ensure that our neighbour is flourishing so that we may flourish equally, and this is such the case that we must do whatever it takes to ensure our neighbour is in the best position to prosper, as that is what is required to be a true servant to Life – Life, which in no way accepts or allows masters nor slaves, but only what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system which I have agreed to let dictate how we should act, how we should behave, how we should think, how we should experience ourselves, how we should feel and what pill we should take if we do not fall into the specific criteria that states how a ‘normal human being’ should act/behave/think/experience/feel – this, so to keep human beings predictable, manageable, and controllable within the specific needs of the social economic system – where it is believed that if one is not ‘happy’ to be a ‘good little consumer robot’ seeking to attain more possessions, money and wealth no matter the cost, then there is something very wrong and outlandish going on that requires immediate correction; something that must be altered/modified to fit into the model of a ‘healthy society’ where competition, machination and scheming are esteemed and treasured as if they in any way have created a world of dignity and substance – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself and this entire world to be completely ignorant of the physical facts that glaringly reveal the absolute evilness of who we have become.

I commit myself to expose any and all aspects of this system which are not aligned to what is best for all life.

I commit myself to call things as they are and not try to make myself nor this world look a certain way to fit into my own self-interested mind-machine so that I may have an excuse to keep abusing life.

I commit myself to never stop pushing myself to transcend any and all limitations that I have accepted within myself and within this world - till here no further - as I see clearly to accept a single limitation in myself or this world is agreeing to the total enslavement of life.

I commit myself to set the word freedom free so that it is no longer enslaved to a system which in no way allows freedom as a word the ability to express its true meaning, as a practical-physical manifestation that can be lived fully by all beings equally.

I commit myself to be/become a servant to Life within the realization that I must take full self-responsibility for all that is here down to the most minute detail, to ensure that each breath that I take is in service to what is best for all and is not in service to my mind as ego that is only considering my own pursuit of happiness.

I commit myself to pull the plug on all the happiness-machines of this world so that we can get real and dis-cover what it is to actually live and no longer be mere ‘manageable robots’ enslaved to a system that is corrupt beyond measure.

to be continued...

[Lindsay]

Day 22: I Promise to Make You Happy – Part 3

Day 22: I Promise to Make You Happy – Part 3


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to face that within the world system the more the word ‘freedom’ has been marketed and promoted by politicians, famous figureheads and the elite alike, the more enslaved we have become as humans, as we have allowed ourselves to be dictated to and hypnotized by those that are allegedly ‘looking out for our best interest’ what this ‘freedom’ will look like, and that it will come through consumerism, the ‘free market’, incentives to compete, and aligning ourselves to meet quotas – quotas which are unrealistic and merely turn human beings into worker-bees who become so possessed with fulfilling performance targets out of total fear and petrification for losing that which is able to put food on their table and a roof over their head, that they completely forget that they agreed to this definition of ‘freedom’ as was so glamorously conveyed, but instead are now totally trapped within a state of extensive pressure and discontent, wherein ‘liberation’ has now equaled strict control and exhaustion, as we are made to cut corners and manipulate in order to maintain a job so that we can only survive and in no way are FREE to LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see within the world system that the word ‘freedom’ has been made into a total mockery as it has only created more control, inequality and division manifested in the world, as money is the deciding factor to who is‘free’ and who is not, as class structure is now more rigidly defined, demarcating clearly who is the ‘winner’ and who is the ‘loser’ in this game of ‘life’ – such that those who are‘winners’ have secluded themselves from those that are‘losers’ as if those that are losers are contaminated and thus must be quarantined in allocated sections of towns/cities/countries so that they won't taint those that are ‘strong’ and ‘healthy’ contributors to society – thus…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system where human beings in no way are able to see/realize/understand that if a single loser exists in this world, we are all losing, as we are separating ourselves from each other to try and manifest an illusion that can never stand, as it’s not built on the foundation of equality and oneness as what is best for all, but is built on the shaky ground of deception, manipulation, exploitation, greed and spitefulness – which is not winning, is not freedom, and is not LIVING in the least, but is only accepting self as a machine – a cold and calculable apparatus whose only purpose is to generate money for a select few to benefit from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately accept myself as a loser by/through choosing the ‘path’ of a rebel, stating that I will not be a part of this game, yet within this not seeing/realizing/understanding that the ‘game board’ is this entire world, and thus within making this self-dishonest decision, I had already accepted and allowed myself to be a pawn, trapped in the clutches of the system simply by my own resistance to stand up and change myself and the system to a system that is equal to what is best for all life, as within this I allowed myself to be ‘played’ because I tacitly agreed that the system was the ‘winner’ and that there was nothing I could do about it, which is indeed an expression of absolute self-sabotage, self-victimization, self-deception and self-hate – as within this I did NOT accept and allow myself to see that it is my self-responsibility to change the rules of this game to the single rule that only that which is best for all may rule.

I forgive myself that I did NOT accept and allow myself to from the get-go see through the empty promises that were being spewed forth by the talking heads of this system who were proselytizing that through performance targets starvation and world conflict would reduce and that a better world was on the horizon – thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that in the one single word ‘reduce’ being used, it is automatically accepting mediocrity and room from deception to continue, because unless starvation and world conflict is completely and totally eradicated from the face of this world, then we are all still accepting that it is okay for some to suffer and experience unfathomable pain, no matter the degree to which it is present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree, whether directly or indirectly, to a world system where promises are turned into pro-misery, as the masses are blinded by ‘the horizon’ of a ‘better world’ which will always be just out of reach – as it only exists within our mind and as such can never be made manifest in a way that is real and will only create further misery and unhappiness for all, as we do not allow ourselves to see that the ‘horizon’ is the horror-‘I’-spun due to being caught in a web spun by the ‘I’ that lacks self-accountability to bring about the BEST world - as one’s single point of responsibility for being here on this Earth – forgetting completely that we are here only to bring about what is best for all, and in no way are here to only further our own self-interest, greed, and blind drive to win at all costs, because…what kind of ‘life’ is that? That is a shameful life of insignificance, and an appalling way to waste the preciousness of the actual Life which is here for us all to celebrate and honour in a dignified manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to a world of parrots, parroting slogans, mottos, and catchphrases heard from politicians, media, family, teachers and institutions that only echo and reverberate throughout this hollow existence and eventually when the energy runs out- disappear - without substantiating anything even remotely close to what best for all, as not a single word uttered has been substantial, tangible or practical, but has only served to further man as a lonely machine, computing ways to try/attempt to make dead words alive without seeing the futility, because so long as the starting point is to only achieve one’s own personal happiness, every thought/word/deed will be as good as dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system where cutting corners on the ‘fast track’ to happiness is seen as admirable, and that due to our incessant desire to attain happiness, we have created a world system where the personal pursuit of happiness is worshiped over ensuring that every being here is able to EAT FOOD DAILY! Such that, a human being is seen as successful and a ‘god-like’ if that being cuts corners to turn a profit, a profit which was only attainable by withholding staple foods from an entire country.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how depressed we’ve become as human beings in our useless pursuit of happiness, and that I have failed to see that this depression has been capitalized on by pharmaceutical industries who have lured people in by also promising freedom with pills, which has only demonstrated how doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists are pros at creating misery as well, as the entire industry has attempted to fit all of humanity into a mere checklist of normality according to a ridged vision of what ‘normal’ is – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to the fear that this has created, wherein human beings feel as if there is something wrong with them if they do not fit into this narrow checklist, and that they must ‘seek help’ through the form of drugs that only numb the actual problem, which is a total world system that only sees LIFE as something to profit from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see how the psychiatric industry keeps humans trapped as machines with their single mode of functioning being to attain happiness at any cost – which creates as consequence a humanity filled with anxious, dissatisfied and disappointed beings, because the idea of happiness that was promised has not materialized, and thus creates an experience that there is something wrong with who we are, which spreads further paranoia and confusion, thus making humans easier to control, manipulate and exploit for profit - not seeing that everything is in reverse, and that which is seen as ‘normal’ is actually absolute insanity, as it is clearly complete madness to exploit others for profit so that one can seek to achieve their own personal desire for happiness, while stealing another’s ability to be happy and at the same time claiming to have ‘the answer’ to a fulfilling life through a variety of pills, medications, and drugs.


I commit myself to stop being a machine constantly following the loop within my mind without question, but instead support myself to become the self-directive principle of my life, wherein I decide who I will be and not just follow what I have been told I should be in order to ‘fit in’ and succeed in this world.

I commit myself to question and expose all institutions of this world which exploit life for profit – and I commit myself to transform these institutions, one by one, into establishments of integrity and principles which support a dignified living for all.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to be hypnotized by pretty words and phrases so that I can wake up, get real and stop the brainwashing - as such, I commit myself to assist others to wake up by my own example, and thus commit myself to show that it is possible to stop being mesmerized by illusory feelings which have brought nothing of substance to this Earth, but have only created more suffering, abuse and misery.

I commit myself to bring about a world of true happiness, which I see clearly can only be attained through creating a system that ensures all beings are cared for in the best way.

I commit myself to expose all those who promote happiness within the starting point of attaining their own self-interest through exploiting others while hiding behind a fake face of compassion.

I commit myself to expose all empty promises in this world for what they are – deception and trickery – and within this I commit myself to only speak that which I am certain I am able to live in a practical way.

I commit myself to let rust the trust that has been placed in this system of robotic enslavement, and instead develop the self-trust necessary to walk a new system into manifestation – breath by breath, in real-time – not allowing any room for the past, as the past has proven to only perpetuate a world filled with monster-machines set on destroying life.

I commit myself to eradicate starvation and world conflict from this world through bringing about a system where all are equally given that which is required to live a satisfying life.

to be continued...

[Lindsay]

Day 23: Haunted by Freedom – Part 4


Day 23: Haunted by Freedom – Part 4

This post is part of a series of posts which are in relation to Adam Curtis’ documentary The Trap –

Day 20: The Bewildered Herd, Trapped in Self-Interest – Part 1
Day 21: Trapped as a Happiness Machine – Part 2
Day 22: I Promise to Make You Happy – Part 3

For context in regards to this post watch part 3 of The Trap: The Trap – 3 – We Will Force You to be Free

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/perceive that freedom can be ‘given to me’ from something/someone/somewhere outside of myself – thus not seeing/realizing/understanding that I am the only one that can set myself free, by/through giving myself freedom through self-forGIVEness as the ultimate point of self-responsibility to be/become the source of practical, liveable change for/as myself, as I take my life back from the chains that I alone have place upon myself, binding myself to an existence of apathy, indifference and meaninglessness - and to thus then not wish/hope/wait for it to be provided for from an ‘outside’ source – within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see what the consequence of wishing/hoping/waiting for freedom has manifested in this world due to my own lack of self-accountability: violence, war, tyranny, disaster, torture, slaughter, separation, control, exploitation, inequality and destruction that is beyond conceivable – as here I realize the extent to which I have allowed enslavement and pain for countless beings, all which are equal and one to me, due to my own ignorance and refusal to see what I have created as creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/perceive that I can learn about freedom and how to ‘be free’ from philosophers, theorists and academics who expound on ‘the true meaning of freedom’ without in any way standing as a practical example of what it is to be free, as not a single philosopher, theorists or academic throughout history has stopped their own mind control; and not a single philosopher, theorist or academic throughout history has stopped their own self-interest – else they would have changed this world into a world that is best for all, in fact, because if one was to understand freedom, they would realize that freedom cannot and will not be real until it is real for ALL beings in this entire existence, and is most certainly not limited to ‘freedom’ for a single race or class or country or nation, but is total 100% freedom for all LIFE – if it is not 100% freedom that is able to be lived by all, then it is still 100% enslavement – to miss this fundamental, common sense point only proves how untrustworthy philosophers, theorists and academics truly are, as they have done nothing but further the abuse in this world with their shiny words which blind humanity to what is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a saviour so vehemently that I would sit and watch this entire world fall to pieces around me, claiming: I don’t know what to do! – as an absolute statement of self-sabotage and self-victimization, totally succumbing to the fear of taking responsibility for that which I see clearly I am responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically charged this word ‘freedom’ within my mind to such an extent that it became an entity that has haunted me, as all of humanity, as we as humans have not yet stood up together within the realization that until we stop existing in separation and competition with one another, freedom will never manifest on Earth, as it is impossible to be free when we are enslaved to our own desire to win so that we can experience a limited, conditional feeling of freedom - it is not real! - and thus I forgive myself that I have seen this clearly, but have yet to make a clear decision to STOP, a decision as who I am down to the marrow of my being, and thus am continuously plagued by the ghost of who I could be if I would stand up and make this decision to stand unshakable, not allowing a single thought, a single feeling to sway my dedication to free myself as all beings from the self-inflicted tyranny I have wrought upon the Earth within the realization that all the torture, all the screams of terror, all the children who die daily, all the bloody violence, all the slaughtering of innocent lives in the name of ‘freedom’ is a reflection of what I accept within myself, as I am killing and destroying myself within my own mind, calling the space in my head where I believe I can be ‘free’ to think whatever I want: freedom – yet the physical which does not lie, is telling a different story; the physical is telling me the story of who I truly am, and it isn’t pretty – it is an absolute disgrace.

Thus…

I commit myself to make that absolute decision of WHO I AM, as I see clearly that until I make an absolute decision of who I am, I will continue to abuse life and have countless excuses, justifications and complaints as to why, why, why I cannot change in this instant, in one single breath – thus, I commit myself to live the realization that not a single excuse is valid, and to show this by example through making the decision to be who I am through and through as a dedication to Life that I will not stop until Life is free and is confirmed to be free - as it will be reflected in this physical world.

I commit myself to realize that the decision of who I am is a decision that is not only made once, but is a decision that is made and lived as an expression of who I am in each and every moment of breath – thus I commit myself to when and as a moment arises where I am tempted to sabotage my decision in order to follow a thought within my mind – I stop, I breathe – and I do not allow myself to participate, but instead investigate for myself, in specificity, the exact relationship I have created within my mind to that particular thought that is seeking to assert itself in my living, in ALL it’s dimensions, so that I can clearly see it for the illusion that it is and subsequently remove and delete this relationship from my being – until here no further.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow the reflection of myself that is currently reflected in this world – I no longer accept and allow myself as this world filled with war, violence, pain, torture, terror, sorrow, suffering and abuse to continue, as I see clearly that it cannot continue – that who I am as my mind cannot continue, is not sustainable, equal to and one with how this world system cannot continue and is not sustainable - and thus I commit myself to end this spite on Life and to stand to bring a new world into manifestation that is equal and one to what is best for all - thus stands stable, supportable, trustworthy and is therefore able to last the test of time.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow who I am as an abuser of Life to continue. I let die who I am as an abuser of life so that I may birth myself anew from the physical as a being of integrity and self-respect.

I commit myself to free myself from the tyranny of my own mind by/through writing myself to freedom.

I commit myself to set myself free by/through giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness, as I see that it is through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I take self-responsibility to bring all the pieces and parts of myself back to myself – the pieces and parts of myself that I have blown to smithereens because of participating in the violence of my mind which makes it ‘okay’ to disregard the innumerable beings that suffer in this physical reality on a moment to moment basis so that I can have an energetic experience.

I commit myself to stop all war - internally and externally.

I commit myself to transform the ghost of who I can be into a real, living, physical expression of who I am, and do not accept anything less than my ultimate expression of Life, as I see clearly that if I allow anything else, I will be haunted for eternity by my own potential that I wasted.

[Lindsay]

Day 24: Seeing through the Illusion is NOT ENOUGH

Day 24: Seeing through the Illusion is NOT ENOUGH

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, even after seeing through the illusory nature of backchat, still continue to allow myself to miss myself as breath here to be duped and hoodwinked by my thoughts/feelings/emotions, and to follow them as if they lead to anywhere of significance, even when I have seen that it is not true, and that following thoughts ALWAYS and in ALL WAYS leads to the same place: self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intellectualize my understanding and insights into the illusory nature of thoughts as backchat – within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that ‘seeing through the illusion of my mind’ is NOT ENOUGH, but that I must direct myself to practically STOP all participation in my mind every single time the temptation arises – until here no further - and to NOT ONLY STOP this in myself, but STOP all consequence that this participation has created in this world from continuing to play out and wreak havoc – so as to transform myself and this world into what is best for all life – equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lift the veil and then simple stand immobilized, not moving myself practically in each moment to ensure the veil is lifted for all beings and that the entire veil that this existence is under is lifted forevermore.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize the uselessness in seeing that I am not my mind and then not doing everything in my power to stop the abuse that the mind has manifested here.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I participate in my thoughts/backchat/internal-conversations, I am not the only one that is affected, but all of life as this entire existence is affected, because – all the moments that I spend in my mind when I could be here in physical reality working towards supporting myself and others to bring about a world where no more suffering exists, are prodigalized - and as such, all the beings that could be supported by me stopping my mind, are disregarded/ignored/snubbed so that I can instead remain in a separate bubble of self-delusion entertaining myself with THOUGHTS.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to Live here within the understanding that I will not Live forever and that my time here on this Earth is limited and precious and that I must ensure that not a single breath is wasted – within this I forgive myself that I have made my mind more precious than Life, even when I have seen clearly that my mind is the absolute source of abuse and spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear aging and to fear that I am wasting my time away in my mind, without seeing/realizing/understanding that I AM WASTING MY TIME AWAY when/as I participate in energetic thoughts fuelled by fears of aging – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that age is real and thus then stand equal to the aging process for myself and all beings, wherein we have allowed ourselves to believe that the deterioration of our body over time is ‘normal’ and have simply accepted this as ‘the way it is’ instead of seeing that we have the power to stop consuming ourselves by/through participating in energy which depletes ourselves and this planet, and instead dis-cover who we are able to become if we stop our minds, stop consuming ourselves as life, and start Living for a Living.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that when I am here moving myself, breath by breath, that is what is real and important: not how old I am, or how old I am getting, or how, or when I am going to die. I instead make the self-directive decision to die now, so that I may Live here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self-integrity and self-respect by/through continuing to participate in that which I see clearly is not real and only causes great abuse and suffering to continue to exist within this world because I am not stopping it in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself by/through squandering the opportunities that arise wherein I am able to stop my mind and transcend the limitations I have created, and thus instead sabotage myself by participating in my mind, creating a timeloop wherein I will have to wait for that moment to come again before I am able to see if I will walk through it without participating in an energetic reaction, but instead take self-responsibility to stand equal and one with whatever arises without internal-movement so that I may realize myself as my creation in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to steal Life from myself and all of existence by/through allowing myself to participate in the energetic experiences created/generated/perpetuated by my mind – instead of giving/gifting Life to myself and all of existence with each breath that I breathe.


I commit myself to investigate all aspects and parts of my programming down to the very minute detail so that I am able to in each moment effectively remove, take out and delete that which I have accepted and allowed within the starting point of self-deception, self-abuse, self-sabotage - to thus then create myself into what is best for all, and to therefore ensure that my creation is the image and likeness of what is best for all Life.

So as I change within – I change without, both processes is a process that I have to in fact walk – that only with changing my ‘who I am’ within, and not changing my ‘who I am’ in/as my living – will not change ‘who I am’ in fact, because ‘who I am’ must become equal and one within and without to in fact be equal and one. If I am different in my who I am within and without: I am still accepting and allowing separation and deception, as what the relationship between the Mind and Physical has become, where beings are different in the Mind and in the Physical, due to accepted and allowed separation in the Mind and Physical.
And thus, the process to actual self equality and oneness, is where who I am is equal and one within and without – that can only be walked within the processes of writing, self forgiveness, self-commitment statements and self-corrective application – taking one relationship of acceptance and allowance at a time, one point at a time – because this is how we created/manifested our relationships of acceptance and allowance in the first place. ~ excerpt from Heaven's Journey to Life Blog: Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I commit myself to STOP diminishing myself by/through giving my thoughts/feelings/emotions/backchat/internal-conversations even a moment of attention.

I commit myself to STOP deciding that my illusory mind is more powerful, more real, more significant, more alive than who I am as Life, here, breathing, and thus instead make the decision to be/become who I really am once and for all.

I commit myself to STOP intellectualizing my process and to START living here, wherein I realize myself HERE and STOP making my living here into a process that must be walked, but instead simply walk.

I commit myself to stand as a practical example of what it is to be free.

I commit myself to not waste a single breath, but to bring the realization that I will not Live forever here, with each breath that I breathe – as that is the gift of eternal Life made manifest here.

I commit myself to lift the veil for all of existence so that we may all live in equality and oneness.