Anna's Journey to Life

[Anna]

DAY 17: Who I am as ‘A Player’ Shopping for Sex
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/04/d ... g-for-sex/

Today I had a discussion with another Destonian about the movie “Shame” and its portrayal of sex addiction. We discussed how the movie could be supportive for those with a sex addiction, but also how it might not be enough for the being to actually assist in realizing themselves.

The movie particularly reminded me of guys I have known that lived like the guy in the movie, as players and how it from the outside seemed like they were having the time of their life, jumping from woman to woman, being "invincible" - and so to get a look into that "world" is quite interesting.

So what I will do for today’s writing is to write Self-Forgiveness on this point, both within how I have lived this point myself and also as support for those who are experiencing this point of “shopping for sex”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shop for sex, in the hunt in an insatiable desire for experiences of sexual climax

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shop for sex as a commodity, as a quick fix immediate satisfaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my shopping for sex as an exciting hunt for the next experience of climax, not seeing how I am addicted to the attention I get from the opposite (and sometimes same) sex and the anticipation of an energetic experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with the desire for new and more sexual experiences in an experience that I can’t get enough, completely blind to anything but this desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the desire for new and more sexual experiences, preoccupying every moment of every day with how I can get sex from the people around me, or online, plotting and scheming and planning how to concur my next “prey”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the people around me as potential prey for my sexual desires, carefully calculating and strategizing how to seduce them and get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, believe and experience myself powerful when I succeed to seduce someone after having strategically selected them and deliberately toyed with them to get them to have sex with me and to feel, believe and experience myself superior to them when I do and in that see them as less than and inferior to me, not caring about how they experience themselves and quickly discarding them when I have secured my satisfaction, seeing them as disposable waste after I am done with them

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider my own actual experiences of myself when I shop for sex and not even see the people that I hunt down as prey for my sexual desires as real or in any way beings, but only as objects existing to fulfill my desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of defining myself and being defined by others as a “player”, seeing, perceiving, associating and defining the label “player” with power, control and superiority – not realizing that it is myself who is being played by my own ego and the addiction to energy, through which I am merely a puppet following the desires in the belief that I can in any way satisfy them, even though no matter how much sex I have, it is never enough and I always have to get more and more to even experience the slightest experience of satisfaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire new and more sex all the time in an experience that I cannot get enough, yet not accepting this in following an subconscious belief that it in fact is possible to “get enough” when it is clear and I do in fact knows that it is not possible as all evidence shows that no matter how much sex I have, it will never be enough and in fact the more I get the more I want, not caring about what it might do to me or others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to care about or consider the risks I am taking and the possible consequences in having sex with lots of different people and ways without using protection, because I am completely and entirely engulfed in the desire for the hunt and climax

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, define and believe myself to be a “real man” or “real woman” because I am able to “score” other people to have sex with and in how I have perfected this ability to seduce and get someone to have sex with me – not realizing that my perception of what a “real man” or “real woman” is, is based on a pre-programmed definition of enslavement, wherein and from we as men and women believe ourselves to be free and freeing ourselves – while in fact what we are participating with is, is the continued enslaved of ourselves through the mind in, as and through energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and deceive myself into believing that what I am doing when I seduce and score other human beings to have sex with, is real and intimate interaction, when in fact I am completely cold and strategic and not in any way here or present with myself or the other human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience the human beings I prey on for sex, as objects I can use as I please, and to see them as less intelligent and smart than me because I am able to manipulate them and make them believe that I care about them and then use them sexually with their own consent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right and a prerogative to have sex within anyone I want to, in any way, manner or form I want to without any consideration for anyone, including myself and my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am truly free and emancipating myself through having sex with many different people and new ways – when in fact I am enslaving myself to a one-dimensional expression of and as myself through and in which I am completely immersed, constantly thinking about my next sex-fix

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume sex like a commodity, not realizing the actual price I am paying is myself, my self-integrity, physical body and living a life of actual self-satisfaction and expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value –only value – in sex and sexual “accomplishments” and as such not valuing myself in any way what so ever or life or interaction with other human beings in a way that is real and really fulfilling or even exploring and expressing myself in and through sex in a way where I am honoring myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to go out “scoring” another human being to have sex with, because I fear that if I don’t, I will miss out of an energetic excitement and there might be something wrong with me and I will have to live a boring mundane life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my belief that random sex with random people is emancipating and freeing as an excuse to not face myself within and as the fear of being intimate with myself and with another human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being intimate with myself and with another human being and because of this, have constructed and designed a “player” personality for myself that I can hide within and from myself, holding myself and how I actually experience myself at arm’s length, never getting close to myself or to another human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the label “player” with a positive energetic charge of superiority and cynicism associated with capitalism, where I perceive myself as a “taker” as “the fittest” in the competition to survive because I am able to manipulate and deceive other human beings to have sex with me – justifying through the belief in “free-choice” and individuality where all I care about is my own immediate satisfaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist completely immersed and enslaved into and as a capitalist personality as defined in the label of a “player” that I believe I need to survive – not realizing that my starting-point is fear of loss and as such a complete self-diminishment and compromise for survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual experience of and as myself – that I am petrified for being tied to a mundane and boring life – that everything is meaningless including myself and that there exist no actual satisfaction – in the label of being a “player” in assigning my life and myself and other human beings “meaning” that is defined within the energetic satisfaction I experience myself achieving from sex and sexual accomplishments

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that the personality of being a “player” is directly linked to the capitalistic system – where the player is playing the system for money and sex – existing as and perceiving him/herself as a player, player the game, thus existing as a supporter, mascot and laky of the system, supporting the system to continue as is, within perceiving myself as a “winner” and as such being willing to do anything to protect my perceived position in the system

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to face myself within and as my actual experience of and as myself and through that sort myself out in self-honesty, in seeing, realizing and understanding exactly why and how I experience fear and petrification and meaninglessness and why exactly I have become addicted to sex and scoring – and as such understand the entire system of sex, ego and energy of and as mind participating in sort out the totality of this reality and actually learn how to enjoy myself simply by being with and as myself

I commit myself to expose the hook-up culture and those placing value in being players and assist them to see how they are in fact enslaved to their own idea of freedom and through the addiction to energetic excitement that they experience themselves achieving through sex and sexual accomplishments

I commit myself to develop a relationship and interaction with myself and other human beings that is actually intimate and based on real values of self-enjoyment, expression and mutual trust and enjoyment and to stop all relationships that are based on energy and ego

I commit myself to expose the capitalistic system and the personality design of the “player” that plays the game in the system without any regard for life or other human beings or even for self

I commit myself to expose sexual addiction and assist those humans that are addicted and enslaved to sex to the system of sex and sexual acts as how it has been designed as a system of enslavement to keep us all existing in and as the mind

I commit myself to explore and develop sex as an expression of myself as life in and a the physical and to support others to do the same

[Anna]

DAY 18: The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/06/d ... uth-of-me/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I perceive as me having allowed myself to become fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself as fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as a body image from which I look at myself “from the outside” as though I am looking “in” on myself as in a mirror or on a picture, thus in fact not seeing or looking here or seeing or looking at what is real, because what is real is the physical that is not an image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define and perceive that it is me who is fat and ugly within defining myself according to a body-image that only exist within and as the reflection I mirror myself in, in and through the mind based on the acceptance of and the submission of myself to competitive beauty systems where only a photo shopped, slim, tanned body can be “real” and “perfect” and where all other bodies and body-forms are “wrong” and “flawed”

I forgive myself that I, within defining and accepting myself as fat and ugly, have accepted and allowed myself to believe, define, see and perceive myself as a “second class citizen”, as “worth-less” because I do not fit into the mold of the photo-shopped woman in the picture that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is real and the only real way to be worthy and perfect, not seeing, realizing or accepting the reality, worth or perfection of me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, accept, perceive and define “fat people” as second class citizens that do not have a right to happiness, fulfillment, money, enjoyment, sex or worth simply because they are fat and as such when I got fat have consequently placed myself into the same category believing and accepting that I do not have a right to accept myself or worth myself, simply because I am fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, judge, experience and accept the word ‘fat’ as inferior, less-than (ironically), shameful, disgusting, low-life within and as spite and because I have fat on myself human physical body that I myself have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate, define, experience, see and accept myself as inferior, less-than, shameful, disgusting and low-life and within that deliberately spite myself in judging myself for being fat

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to release the word ‘fat’ from my hold on it through, within and as the ego, from where I have allowed myself to brutally judge, spite and perceive ‘fat’ as ‘flawed’, ‘shameful’ and ‘wrong’ and that the people who are fat are rightfully to be pushed down and feel ashamed of themselves and accept their place as lesser beings, within the judgment of them as “weak” and “disgusting” and thus because I define and accept myself as “fat”, equally believe and accept myself as “weak” and disgusting and a “lesser being”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself see or realize that fat on a human physical body is a manifestation of consequence as the acceptance of who and what self has allowed self to be and become in and as self-suppression as holding onto layer upon layer of information that self has not allowed self to release and within the addiction to self-abuse through self-pity and self-hate as overeating in and as greed and self-spite – not seeing that fat is not an energetic or personal manifestation, but in fact the accumulation of my abuse against myself - and thus in fact wanting to not be fat without actually investigating myself as fatness, is avoiding and abdicating self-responsibility and in fact continuing to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about looking down at and spiting fat people and as such feel good about looking down at and spiting myself – justifying this in self-righteousness in the self-deceptive belief that not being fat mean that one is superior and better-than those that are fat and as such feel good because I feel better about myself when I judge fat people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry and depressed when I see myself in the mirror and immediately judge myself and feel disgusted by what I see, believing that what I see through my judging eyes of the mind, is in fact what is real and what I really am – ugly, fat, old and disgusting and a loser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed within exposing and revealing how I actually see and experience myself, because I have feared exposing and revealing this, believing that if I kept it secret, it would not be real and others might not see me as fat, disgusting, old and a loser – when in fact it was myself I was hiding from, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define, judge, accept and experience fact people as sloths that don’t deserve to live or exist or be happy and to feel violated when I see a fat person expressing themselves or accepting themselves, wanting them to accept themselves as inferior and less than – exactly as I as a fat person, accept myself as inferior and less than those who are not fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed and preoccupied with being and becoming skinny and beautiful and within that constantly think about being skinny and beautiful and compare myself to those I see, define, perceive, judge and accept as more than me because they are skinny

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and perceive that I need to and must become skinny and beautiful to be of any worth in this world and to believe that I must do anything to achieve this as a goal of being a woman – as an ultimate goal of being a woman, yet within not having been willing to face the origin of why I have allowed myself to become fat, have continued to gain weight within being simply obsessed with “weight”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to myself and everyone around me that I do in fact accept myself and that I don’t care about my weight or my looks, when in fact it is all I think about, all the time, all day long, torturing myself with thoughts about how ugly and disgusting I look within focusing in my mind, and through the mind with my physical eyes, examining, judging and measuring every part of my body finding it all flawed, disgusting and ugly – not realizing what I am in fact allowing myself to do to myself – diminishing, spiting, bullying, brutalizing and abusing myself in the justification of self-righteousness as the brutality of the competition of the system, wherein and from I tell myself over and over again, that as long as I am fat, I am simply not good enough, not worthy of existing, not worthy of being loved, not allowed to enjoy myself in having sex and that I should continue abusing myself because that is all I am worth – resulting in me actually abusing myself through over-eating and as such completing the vicious cycle of self-abuse where I am the mouth that bites the hand that feeds me that is myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that being fat – as the physical manifestation of the accumulation of consequence, is not about looks and how looks are valued in the world system based on competition , where there can only be winners and losers and that being fat is in fact about me having allowed myself to abuse myself, through punishing myself within and as the mind, refusing to let go of the past, holding myself on lock-down and locked-in inside the layers of the human physical body, in and through which I have patted myself with fat as information upon information layers as who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit, that while I have been preoccupying myself with self-judgment and desire for beauty, money, power and success – as being a winner in this world, I have allowed myself to exist in complete and total self-abuse in and as a lock-down of suppression within and as my human physical body a myself - as what is real – in consuming everything in fear of losing myself and as such in greed and fear of not having enough, resulting in the layering of fat around the body with the consequence of harming myself in ways I have not even begun to understand or experience in full awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only by keeping all physical experiences down, suppressed, controlled, enslaved, defeated, would I be able to survive and succeed as such in this world, thus never having allowed myself to get to know or experience myself within and as the physical body, even though that was and has been my deepest and most real desire – to get to know and express myself and explore myself here as life in self-enjoyment, unconditionally and innocently in interaction with myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that how I have allowed myself to exist within and as a separate part in and as this human physical body as an entity located in the head, has been in absolute and total terror, torture and self-abuse, where I, with every breath I have taken – yes taken – and never given or embraced within and as me, have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself down, diminish and suppress myself because I feared facing the reality of me as the physical – not only the human physical body – but the physical as the total manifestation of what is here and thus face what I have accepted and allowed and as such justify for myself that it is better and easier to remain in fear, suppression and self-diminishment, to always keep the truth about myself – the truth that I am walking and living with and within every day – under control

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to face the truth about myself – the truth that is existing HERE evident as this human physical body and how I have tortured myself to fit and mold myself into an image of control and power – never seeing or realizing that everything and all I have been doing is enslaving myself to a delusion – a cruel and unnecessary delusion – that I at any point could have stopped, but in my acceptance of the delusion as myself, feared losing myself if I, as the first one admitted that it was not real – not realizing the absolute absurdity of my claim over life as the enslavement of myself into the confinements of consciousness – only and merely to not lose face or image, to the other parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as – not realizing that those parts are myself and that if no-one of us budges we will keep existing in the delusion that we are flawed and lacking and thus must abuse each other to fill ourselves up – when in fact, all parts are me and I am all parts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my partner my naked body and to do all and anything to hide it, in the delusional and deceptive belief that I can hide how I perceive myself to look like as fat and ugly from my partner and that if I am lucky he will not notice how I look, if I tug there and suck in here and place my body like this or cover it up like that – when in fact is that I cannot hide my body or how I look and that the person I have been wanting to hide from, was in fact myself and my own self-image of and as myself as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am in fact fat and ugly and disgusting and a loser because that is who and how and what I have accepted myself as and as long I accept and allow myself to bow down to the system of competition that exist within and as brutality and absolute evil in and as spitefulness – which is in fact is my own creation – I will never be anything else but fat and ugly and a loser – because that is my prerogative and responsibility as a creator, to decide who and what I will accept myself as and what now – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept everyone else that can possibly or in any way have the same or similar experience as me, to hate themselves, despise themselves, accept themselves as less than – because of my acceptance and allowance of my submission to the system of competition and consumerism through and in which the beauty system exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I, within the acceptance of myself as fat, ugly, disgusting, a loser – have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as self-spite, absolute brutal self-abuse and deception and as such have accepted everyone else who are fat or ugly in the eyes of the system and everyone in fact, to accept themselves the exact same way – because the world exist as a direct reflection and consequence of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and disgusted every time I feel my stomach against my pants or shirt reminding me of how fat I am or when I feel the skin wobbling on my legs reminding me of how fat I am – not realizing that fat is merely fat as a particular manifestation of form as the consequence of who and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as and that the problem of fatness is NOT how I look – but who and what I have accepted myself as, in and as self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let every girl and woman in the world hate their human physical bodies and torture their human physical bodies in all and every way possible to fit into an impossible ideal of delusion of perfection based on the pushing of photo-shopped images, that we, through consumerism have accepted as real and possible in our collective self-delusion and self-abusive reality that we have forced in and onto the physical as our human physical bodies and this earth through within and as our complete and total abdication to and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and see the extent to and within which I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through my participation in, submission to and acceptance of the system of competition in which there can only be winners and losers and according to the rules of beauty that I have directly accepted as real, valid and valuable – I can only be a loser, because I am not skinny or young or beautiful in the way the competition system of beauty measures it – according to my very own decreed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness within seeing what I have accepted and allowed and in experiencing that this point is so extensively integrated into my acceptance of myself, that I don’t know what to do to stop and purify myself and bring myself back to an innocent, unconditional acceptance of myself – instead of allowing myself to see and realize that this is in fact what I am doing here and that I have suppressed and hid this point so extensively from myself and refused to look at it and myself within and as it and a such that this is why I am experiencing that I am opening a can of worms that are exploding in my face – and not allowing myself to go into and as an emotional reaction and instead PUSH all the way through, not allowing myself to be moved or influenced by facing myself in self-honesty and actually allow myself to see and face myself in absolute brutal self-honesty in seeing that I AM IN FACT purifying myself here and that it will take however long it takes – and that I WILL WALK THROUGH IT NO MATTER WHAT – because what the fuck else is it that we are doing here? What is the alternative? That I keep accepting and allowing myself to continue this self-abuse and as such allowing it equally in everyone else. That is NOT Acceptable in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize or admit to myself the extensive and total self-abuse that I have done onto myself as the physical body – through suppressing myself, through accepting myself as addicted to energy, through judging, hating and despising myself, through being greedy within fear of losing, feeling sorry for myself and punishing myself through forcing myself to over-eat – with the consequence that I am in fact in every moment killing myself, torturing myself and hurting myself that I accept and allow myself to continue participating

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and admit to myself in self-honesty what I, in my participation in and acceptance of myself in and as my participation in thoughts am in fact doing to myself as the physical, even though I live with the consequences every single day as pain and overweight and rapid deterioration of the physical as myself

And as such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately refuse and deny myself to see what I am accepting and allowing in every moment I accept and allow myself to participate within and as and from the mind and what I am in fact doing to myself as the physical – when in fact I am completely and 100 % aware of what I am doing and I simply don’t care because I have diluted myself into the belief that I cannot live without the mind, without energy, without emotions or feelings, without indulging myself in food and sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince and deceive myself into believing that the most important thing in the world is for me to lose my weight so that I can be skinny and beautiful and be a winner and so that I no longer have to despise and hate myself because I am a loser because that is the rules and paradigm that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the point of weight and overweight and losing weight overshadow all and everything else and not care about anything or anyone else than me losing weight – totally and completely disregarding what is here and why we are here and what we are doing here in terms of creating a world that is best for all – which is the only relevant point that matters while in fact my preoccupation with beauty and looks and weight is detrimental to what is best for all and as such totally and completely unacceptable – not to mention the fact that it is based on something that is not real, real life, real value or real in anyway what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the cause and effect of me being fat, is not that I am worth-less as a human being or a loser in fact, but that I have abused myself and that this is what is evident and visible in and on my human physical body and by defining myself according to beauty as worth, I have completely disregarded what I have actually accepted and allowed and who and what I am in fact here as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to abuse myself in and as the physical through over-eating, doing drugs, over-sleeping, over-drinking because I believe that that is my prerogative within and as believing that I have free-will and choice to do with myself as life whatever the fuck I want – not allowing myself to see or admit to myself in self-honesty that what I have been doing with my free-choice and will is to enslave myself to a delusional reality in which I have in no way lived what is best for all and only lived according to my delusional idea of satisfaction based on the fear of losing myself in and as separation of and from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to accept the fact that I, as the human physical body I live within and as, am in fact fat and that this has nothing to do with my worth as life, but with my acceptance and allowance as worth-less and of my abuse and disregard of myself that stands as the evidence for all the world to see, how much I have hated myself and despised myself and what I have done to myself for no reason at all as well as to everyone else, because of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to honor myself as the human physical body, fat or not fat simply by the fact that I am here as life and as such honor myself as what is best for all, through changing myself into and as an effective physical form, in and through which I can support myself to live an effective life and support what is best for all

I commit myself to honor myself in and as this human physical body and to transform myself into and as a physical form that lives and stands within the principle of what is best for all in all ways

I commit myself to make a plan for my entire physical body, as individual forms that each requires absolute care and consideration as to what is best for each form to live and function in a way that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all reactions to my own reflection in my minds judging eyes and in the judgment of the mind that I have superimposed onto my human physical body when I see my own reflection in a mirror on in a window

I commit myself to eat only that food which is of support of my human physical body and to honor myself through the giving of nourishment to myself through the grace of food and I commit myself to eat in gratefulness – and not in greed based on fear of losing myself

I commit myself to stop seeing myself as a image within, from and as the mind, in and as separation of and from myself as a projection of reality that is not in any way real - and to support myself to be and live here in and as the physical and in and through self-intimacy get to know myself as the physical

I commit myself to stop all self-abuse through participating in energetic reactions as emotions and feelings and self-judgment and desire through thoughts and indulgence and being hard on myself in physical actions and I commit myself to stop judging myself for being fat and to stand by the consequence of my acceptances and allowances as the manifestation of myself as this human physical body and to support myself to bring myself to living in and as absolute self-support as what is best for all as myself as the human physical body

I commit myself to stand by and support human beings that have accepted and allowed themselves to live and exist as I have in and as self-abuse of the human physical body – to stop and stand up in and as self-respect, dignity, integrity and honor of themselves as life

I commit myself to expose the beauty system and its brutality and how we have collectively accepted and allowed ourselves to submit ourselves to a lie and a deception based on consumerism in and through which we are diminishing ourselves in valuing only beauty and fitting into and as a certain specific, yet completely unattainable and delusional body-form that has nothing to do with what is best for all in any way what so ever and that only serves to feed the system with consumers and energy within and as competition between winners and losers where everyone always loses because there is no such thing as winning

I commit myself to support all women in supporting and accepting themselves to stand up as life as what is best for all to accept themselves in and as the physical as life, as I walk the process of standing up and accepting myself in and as the physical as life

Thank you.

"Weightloss - throughout existence we've accumulated the burdens of our acceptances and allowances of separation that has become a weight within/as our very beingness as we have always known what we have done, but did not stand up and as we continue facing the consequences - the weight as burdens has piled on - weightloss is the attempt of self to direct the release of the burdens of our existence onto/towards the physical, where we abuse the physical to pay for what we've accepted and allowed as we try and 'lose the burdens/weight' of/as our beingness within/as the physical - when the actual reality is not seen/realised: we must release the weight/burden as ourselves/our beingness as what we've become as consequence as the mind, and weightloss towards the physical is not going to solve the consequence of burdens we have to face as our beingness, because to lose the weight of burdens - is a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application." - Sunette Destonian Spies

"Diet - dye-it, the tendency of the human-being to veil the reality of the physical with a distracted illusion, where diets have become imbued/dyed with mind illusions and the practical physical reality of the individual's human physical body is not considered/regarded - equal-to and one with how the entire mind dye reality with illusion, and what experience/face the consequence is ourselvs in the physical that we're dependent on. When we're in fact dependent on the physical to exist and not the mind. Thus - redefinition of dye-it/diet - remove the dye/veil as illusion of the mind and get to know your human physical body as how you exist/express within it in the physical, and accordingly in that equal and one relationship of getting to know your body as you - nurture it as you would nuruture yourself as the body - both within the context of what you mentally and physical." - Sunette Destonian Spies

"Bodyshape - lol; when human beings see the word bodyshape - BODYshape is how it's read, and attempt/try to shape the body according-to how the mind has shaped reality, and thus what exist within BODYshape is MINDshaped - where the mind takes IMAGES/PICTURES and attempt/try to shape it with/as actual physical reality that is not a Picture/Image but an actual physical existence/reality that is constantly/continuously in motion/movement according to our beingness/mind as how we express through/with/as the physical. And thus, Bodyshape has become Mindshaped and what experience the consequence is the being in/as/with the body - because the mind try shape the body according to a picture/image, like trying to stop time in the physical for the image/picture to manifest when the physical is constantly changing/in movement. Thus, the process should be SELFshaping - assisting and supporting self to shape self up into/as Life/Living, and realise that it's bodySHAPE - simply the shape the body is in according to self's relationship with self and the physical, and to align self with the physical in shaping self and the body into/as equality and oneness - this is the shape that should be regarded." - Sunette Destonian Spies

[Anna]

DAY 19-20: It should not matter where I am
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/07/d ... here-i-am/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only one place on earth where I can be satisfied, where I can effectively walk my process, where I can live with others effectively – and that all other places are less than and inferior to this one place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not live in this one place, I can never be satisfied, I can never walk an effective process, I can never live with others effectively – instead of realizing that it should not matter where I am for me to walk effectively as I am that which determines who and what I am and how I walk effectively and whether I am effective or not and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and to justify why I am not as effective as I could be, simply because I am not living in this one place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise, disregard and diminish myself here, the beings I live with and the environment and place where I live, because of the belief that there is only one place on earth where I can be satisfied and walk this process effectively and as such completely miss myself here and miss out of the opportunity to walk and live effectively here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it doesn’t matter where I live, because what matters is who I am within and as where I am and what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of always desiring to be somewhere else in the delusional belief that if I where somewhere else, someone else, with someone else, doing something else – I would be satisfied, I would be effective – never realizing that this experience is continuous and constant, because that is how and as who I have accepted myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare where I am here with where I perceive that I should be, which is not even a real place because it is not here – but an image in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in competition with, within having separated what is here from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard and disrespect myself here as well as the beings I live with and the environment and place I live, by diminishing it in my mind in comparing it to the only place I believe I will be satisfied and effective – not realizing that it is not about where I am, but about who and what I accept myself as, as continuously not allow myself to be satisfied or effective, because I believe that I need and require something, someone else outside separate from my to make me satisfied and for me to be effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and accept that I need something, someone else outside separate from me to make me satisfied and to make me effective and as such within that have justified my self-abdication and allowed myself to blame those that I have deceived myself into believing are responsible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my self-abdication through projecting the responsibility for my satisfaction and effectiveness outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to face myself in self-honesty in and as self-responsibility for my satisfaction and effectiveness and subsequent dissatisfaction and ineffectiveness and as such investigate why I am not satisfied or effective so that I can direct myself effectively to stand and live what is best for all – and as such create myself into and as satisfaction within the realization and self-direction that the only valid satisfaction is to live that which is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, create and participate in constant and continuous back chat and self-talk about how it is unfair that I am not in that one place on earth where I believe I will be satisfied and effective and how there is something wrong with me because I am not there and how I am to blame for not being there and how I would have been satisfied and effective had I been there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, create and participate within and as constant and continuous backchat of projecting myself in my mind – and as such separate myself from myself here in and as the physical – onto the only place on earth where I believe I can be satisfied and walk process effectively and imagine what it will be like to be there and how happy I would be if I was there and how satisfied and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, create and participate within and as constant and continuous backchat of and as envy and jealousy towards the beings that are in fact at this only place on earth that I believe is worth existing at, in picturing how they are enjoying themselves and each other and how they are satisfied and effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate and associate my satisfaction and effectiveness – and as such myself as satisfaction and effectiveness – to a place outside separate from me, that actually only exist in my mind – and as such as a delusion – and by doing so, completely separate myself from and accept myself as separate from myself here, in and as the physical – the only place where I can change, the only place where I can face and change myself as satisfaction and effectiveness into what is in fact best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to walk effectively here, because I have allowed myself to preoccupy myself within, with and as backchat of projection as separating in the belief I must be somewhere else to be effective and satisfied

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have never actually allowed myself to be satisfied and to see that the problem is not that I am dissatisfied, but that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be satisfied or to direct myself into and as satisfaction – or to investigate why I am not satisfied and that the answer does not lay in my personal satisfaction, but in what is here as the totality of existence as who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand the arrogance and spite that I have cast upon myself and upon all of existence by believing that my personal satisfaction is the most important thing in the world and that as such, because I am not satisfied with myself or with my experience of myself in the world, that I cannot be effective or apply myself effectively – and as such disregard and spite all of existence and myself in and as it

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to let go of the belief, idea and perception that only by being in and living in this one particular place on earth will I be satisfied or effective and as such have allowed myself to deceive and manipulate myself into accepting and justifying my ineffectiveness as yet another trick of the mind that I completely and entirely have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand the complete deceptive nature and design of the belief that I cannot be satisfied or effective, without being dependent upon someone else or somewhere else outside separate from me and that I through participating in and submitting myself to this belief, have accepted and allowed myself to be and justify myself as ineffective

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason why I am not effective or satisfied is because I have separated myself from myself as effectiveness and satisfaction and as such my dissatisfaction or ineffectiveness is entirely and totally my own responsibility – and as such it is my responsibility to direct myself into and as effectiveness and satisfaction through bringing myself back to myself here, walking here, living here, in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to direct and support myself to investigate in self-honesty why and how I am not effective or satisfied and if that is a real and practical self-honest deduction or if it is a delusion of separation in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest myself into and as, as a way of abdicating my self-responsibility as life here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to direct and support myself to be and become effective and to accept myself as effectiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I will never actually be satisfied until I live here as what is best for all in every breath and that the experience of dissatisfaction is indicating where and how I am not standing or walking for and within what is best for all and as such is a point I can support myself through, instead of taking personally in preoccupying myself in the belief that I have a right to be satisfied or that it is unfair that I am not satisfied

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and anticipate that I will be satisfied and to see, define, experience and accept it as unfair and unjustified if I am not experiencing satisfaction and as such throw emotional tantrums and refuse to act or live what is best for all because I am not satisfied – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only point in existence that currently is valid as satisfaction is to live and act within and according to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that it doesn’t matter where I am for whether or not I am effective or satisfied – because that which determines my effectiveness and satisfaction is me as who and what I accept and allow myself to be and live as and what I accordingly live

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be grateful and humble for where I am and in that see, that no matter where I am, I have the opportunity to direct and support myself in self-honesty to be effective and satisfied within standing up for and within what is best for all – and in fact the responsibility to do so, because nothing else is relevant besides creating a world that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or admit to myself in self-honesty the process within which I have walked myself here to where I am and realize that I cannot be anywhere else but where I am - or walk within or as anyone else as who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with and submit myself to any and all excuses and justifications to not be effective and because of this not allow myself to actually be satisfied because the only point of satisfaction I have accepted is satisfaction within and as the mind as self-interest

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that my desire and preoccupation with being somewhere else than where I am – is me allowing myself to live and exist within and as self-interest in a one-dimensional reality in my mind where all I care about it my own idea of satisfaction and my preference to live in a certain place, with certain people in a certain way – and not in any way what so ever consider or care about what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that my desire to be somewhere else, with someone else, as someone else – is actually a desire to get away from myself here and as such a justification as emotional manipulation so as to not face myself here and in and as self-honesty direct myself here effectively to and as a point of satisfaction within and according to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself deliberately from focusing on and facing what is here as whom I am, as the self-dishonesty as self-deception that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist in and as – in self-interest as ego of mind, in separation of and from myself here -

I commit myself to stop all participation in backchat of desire to be somewhere else, with someone else, as someone else – and I commit myself to support myself to remain here to stop thoughts and projections outside of myself

I commit myself to stop and delete the belief that I will and can only be effective and satisfied by being on a specific place on earth, so that I can direct and support myself here to be effective so as to live within and according to what is best for all and as such accept and allow myself to be and become fully satisfied

I commit myself to dedicated myself to walk as who I am here, where I am, with whom I am with and to do whatever is required to be done here to create a world that is best for all and myself within that as a being that stands for and lives what is best for all

I commit myself to bring into manifestation the realization that it does not matter where I am because where I am is here and who I am is here

I commit myself to be grateful for what is here and the opportunities I have here to stand myself up as life as what is best for all

Visit us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let's Walk

[Anna]

DAY 21-22: The 'Relationship-Chameleon' Personality
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/09/d ... rsonality/

A couple of days ago, I suggested to my partner that we watch South Park. While we were watching and I was laughing, I suddenly realized that I don’t even like South Park. Now, what is interesting is that I most often am the one that suggest that we watch it. So why do I suggest that we watch something that I don’t even enjoy watching?

The event made me look back at my relationships wherein I would align myself to the specific likes of my partner. One partner liked jazz, another was into ska so I adjusted myself to liking jazz and ska; another liked watching The Daily Show, so I aligned myself to watch The Daily Show. Even years after we had broken up I would still watch it, until I one day realized that I did not even enjoy it.

Then today my partner asked me for something, where my self-honest answer was to say “no” but I went into an automatic conflict within experiencing that it is my obligation to say “yes” – no matter what and if I say “no” I feel guilty and would thus rather say “yes” so to not have to experience myself like a shitty person. So as I was going into a conflict with myself, I went into a conflict with my partner, in saying no but still saying yes and saying yes but still saying no. My partner let the point go and “let me have it” (= win) and I was clearly resisting because I experienced a fear of loss. After he had given it up, I kept asking him if it was okay and said that I could give in if it was required and tried coming up with a solution where we both could be satisfied. But he stood fast and I stood facing myself. So what I realized was that because of the experience that I had to say yes, I could not even consider the point in common sense. It was only because my partner “gave it up” that I could stop up, not experiencing the guilt or the conflict and considers the point in common sense, which was that I was experiencing fear of loss and that the best would be if I did in fact give it up myself realizing that there I not really anything to lose. And I realized that this was yet another aspect of this pattern of believing that I MUST adjust myself to my partner’s wishes, yet being in complete conflict with myself about it, because I have to compromise myself to do so and as such create a conflict towards my partner and compromise my partner.

But with the South Park point and all the other interests through the years that I have pretended that I liked, I did not even see it – because what I have done, is that I have made myself believe that I too liked it – like a relationship-chameleon. Another point I have noticed lately is how I will change my voice tonality to a “relationship voice” wherein I make my voice more sweet, weak and feminine, instead of my natural, lower voice, strong voice. In my investigation I have found that I do that to not appear threatening to my partner, to appear feminine, to fit myself into the mold of being a good girl friend. I have actually written extensively about this point and experienced frustration within being unable to stop – but I realize that this has been a primary personality that I have existed within and as and layered myself within and as and that the solution to stopping it, is as accumulative as I have created this personality equally accumulative. I even stayed with a former boyfriend for over a year, because he became so sad when I broke up with him. Other aspects of the pattern are within how I have believed that I must control the outcome of the relationships I am in, through how the person responds to me. So I will constantly look for signs as to whether I have done something wrong, so that I can prevent unforeseen and uncomfortable events such as them leaving me or becoming angry at me.

So what I have looked at as I looked further into this pattern is that it is a survival-mechanism and obviously survival mechanism we believe we need to exist, which can be why they are ‘difficult’ to let go of – difficult as in we refuse and don’t want to let go. What I have also seen is that it is about existing in and being dependent upon relationships outside separate from me and as such in no way relying on myself or seeing any form of worth in myself.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and make myself believe that I enjoy something that I don’t enjoy as a way to “unite” myself with my partner and create a “moment of intimacy” that I believe and accept I cannot do, without aligning myself to what I perceive as my partner’s wants and likes and as such compromise myself and deceive myself into creating a personality that I can align to my partners likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and to deceive myself into a personality of aligning myself and defining myself according to my partners likes and dislikes just so that I can be in a relationship, believing and accepting that who I am is inherently not good enough and as such that I, to be in a relationship have to change myself to fit and mold myself to my partners likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through and with and within believing and accepting that I must compromise myself to be in a relationship, that I must create a personality that fits to my partner, so as to “unite” myself with him and make him like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align my likes and dislikes to the likes and dislikes of my partner, so that he may like me more and that there is something that unites us – based on me perceiving and accepting myself as inherently not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must and have to align myself and compromise myself to be in a relationship – and to believe that compromising for and in a relationship is a good thing to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define ‘compromise’ as a good and necessary thing to do in a relationship to make sure that the relationship is working and that my partner stays with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and convince myself to believe that I like watching South Park, The Daily Show, ska music, jazz and soccer just so that my partner will like me and so that I can "unite" myself with my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more than willing to compromise myself to fit myself into a relationship and within that accept and allow myself to create, manifest and design a personality that I can present and define myself according to in a relationship to be successful and liked by my partner

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I have to compromise myself to be in a relationship and create a personality just so that I can be liked by a partner, that the relationship is not real anyway and that I am not real within it and that I am in fact diminishing myself and my self-worth in defining myself only worthy as being in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and experience and accept it as worth it to compromise myself for a relationship and to create a fake personality to fit and mold myself to my partners and dislikes in the belief that it will “unite” me with my partner and make me worthy to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an automated personality, where I automatically compromise myself and deliberately force myself to compromise myself to be in a relationship to fit myself into what I perceive that my partner wants

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe and experience and accept that it is not okay to say “no” and that if I say no, I risk losing my relationship and because I value being in a relationship as more than all and anything else, I see it is as necessary and required for me to not say “no” and to say “yes” to keep my partner satisfied not realizing that it is not about making my partner satisfied, but about satisfying my fear of losing that which I have defined myself according to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an inner conflict when I am in a situation where it is self-honest to say no, but where another wants me to say yes between directing myself in self-honesty and what I perceive as keeping the relationship through satisfying my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to experience guilt whenever I say “no” within and as the belief that it is the morally correct thing to do to say “yes” no matter what and to deliberately say “yes” so that I don’t have to experience myself like a shit – and as such compromise myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other person that I have created a relationship towards, for me “having to” compromise myself in the belief that it is them who are forcing me to compromise myself, while in fact it is only and have always only been myself and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as being responsible for compromising myself in the belief that I must and have to compromise myself in and for relationships – and as such abdicate my self-responsibility for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own inner conflict onto my relationship with others and in and through that create and manifest a conflict with others, in separating myself from my own acceptances and allowances and self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within and as, as self-compromise and deceit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I, because of my past relationships wherein I compromised myself yet perceived and believed that it was my partners that was forcing me to compromise me, that I must and have to stand up to my partner – when in fact I was the only one that compromised myself and as such the only one that is responsible for my own self-compromise

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that because of the experience, belief and acceptance that I had to say yes, I have not been able to consider the point in common sense and as such that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a conflict of polarities, where I believe on one hand that I must stand up for myself and on the other that I must compromise myself and as such compromise both myself and my partner in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying “yes” and “no” because I fear losing myself either way, either through losing the relationship that I have defined myself according to or through losing myself in and as how I compromise myself to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and design myself into and as a “relationship-chameleon” personality in and through which I have completely separated myself from myself here in and as the physical and from myself as self-honest self-expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have compromised myself into a pretend-personality, in and through which I have made myself believe that I like the same things that my partner like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice tonality to a “relationship voice” wherein I make my voice sound more sweet, weak and feminine instead of speaking with and expressing myself through my natural, lower voice, strong voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my self-expression in and as self-honesty in and through changing my voice tonality to make it more ‘relationship-friendly’ so that I will have success in my relationships which I have defined as my partner liking me and not leaving me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice tonality so as to not appear threatening to my partner, but to instead appear feminine and to fit myself into the mold of being a ‘good girlfriend’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a ‘good girlfriend’ as whatever a man desires for a woman to be – and in no way consider how being an actual supporting relationship in walking as equals to support each other, has nothing to do with my idea, belief and acceptance of ‘ being a good girlfriend’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create manifest and participate within and as a primary personality of and as self-compromise and pretend and that I within that have layered, hidden and suppressed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of frustration in experiencing that I am unable to stop and step out of this personality of self-compromise – instead of simply seeing and realizing in common sense self-honesty that I require to use the same dedication and accumulative process with which I have created and refined this personality through the years, to enable myself to step out if it – as it has become “who” and what I am, as a skin-suit that I forgot I had put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stay with a partner in a relationship for over a year, because he became so sad when I broke up with him and I felt so guilty for hurting him and as such taking his reaction personally believing that I was responsible for his experience and because I did not want to experience myself as a shit in guilt, I would rather compromise myself and stay in an abusive and ineffective relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control the outcome of my relationships with others, through compromising myself and molding myself into personalities so as to fit myself into someone that my partner will like - so that I can ensure that they like me and that I don’t make mistakes and so that unpredictable things will not happen such as them exploding in anger on me or leaving me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control the outcome of my relationships through how a person responds to me and as such exist in a completely strategized personality, where I compromise myself and my partner and exist in complete and total separation from, within and as myself here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously look for signs as to whether I have done something wrong, so that I can prevent unforeseen and uncomfortable events such as my partner leaving me or becoming angry at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a 'strategized' personality, wherein and from which I have compromised myself as a survival mechanism which I have believed that I needed to exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that a primary reason why I have experienced it difficult to stop and let go of this personality, has been because I have believed and accepted that I needed it to survive and as such exist within how I have defined surviving as existing specifically within and as defining myself according to being in a relationship and as a woman being dependent on a man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of this strategic personality because I have believed and perceived and accepted that I needed it to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as and believe and accept myself and my existence as dependent upon relationships in, of and as separation of and from myself and as such that I have never accepted or allowed myself to create or accept myself within and as self-reliance or self-worth

I forgive myself that I have never accept or allowed myself to create or accept myself within and as self-reliance and self-worth, based on the belief and acceptance that I am dependent on a relationship to exist

I commit myself to change my application in the moment of speaking to someone where I would anticipate a response and get scared if there is no response and simply allow myself to speak and express myself and breathe through any and all reactions

I commit myself to support myself to stop all fake voices that I have used to fit myself into a personality that I have believed that I must be and become to maintain a relationship and to allow myself to speak here, as myself, in my own voice

I commit myself to investigate and expose for myself all personalities and ways with which I have participated in the relationship-chameleon personality and to stop all participation in this personality and allow myself to express myself here in and as self-reliance and self-worth

I commit myself to investigate and expose for myself and stop all points of participation in and from which I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I like something that I do not in fact like or enjoy in compromising myself for a relationship

I commit myself to support myself to create and manifest myself within and as self-reliance and self-worth and to stop all participation in survival mechanisms and strategies so that I can actually live and express myself here unconditionally in and as the physical

[Anna]

DAY 23: At War with My Man: 'Kill or be killed'
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/10/d ... be-killed/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a personality of being a “warrior” in relationships, where I, in conflicts go into an experience and state of fighting wherein and from I harden myself inside myself, sharpen my eyes and prepare myself for a verbal battle, in the perception, belief and acceptance that I must defend myself and win at all costs to not lose myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive and accept that I, in conflicts must defend myself and win at all costs to not lose myself and I within and through this have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a personality of being a “warrior”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive, define and accept conflicts as battles, as wars within relationships that one can only either win or lose and that if one loses, one loses oneself and are at the mercy at the other “combatant” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what wins, is the mind as energy and friction and that this is what I lose myself to in abdication of myself to the mind in and as fear of losing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, define and experience and accept relationships as wars and the partners in the relationship as combatants that are enemies and against each other and a danger to each other, that can at any time attack and strike and as such accept that this is the environment that I am supposed to develop intimacy and love and compassion and thus create a split personality and perception of the relationship and the partners within it, on one hand as enemies at war and on the other hand as intimate partners

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, develop and design a specific personality as an entity that I activate and go into and become in moments where I feel and experience myself threatened, where I harden myself and my physical body, in preparing myself for battle and war and winning through verbally attacking my partner through being spiteful, degrading, demeaning, cynical, blaming and deliberately manipulating where I feel and present myself as powerful and superior, while in fact inside myself I am trembling with fear that I suppress in the belief that if I let it show I will lose myself and get hurt and powerless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perfect and fine tune the warrior/combatant personality entity through all my relationships and through experiencing and seeing how others fight and combat in relationships where they won over me, so that I can do whatever it takes to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have contained all the memories and information about how to best defeat an opponent in a relationship-war that I can then “flip a switch” when I perceive and experience myself threatened in a relationship and automatically become possessed by and within this personality, where I simply have to “let myself go” and let this personality that has become a part of myself take over my body and completely abdicate myself to, as and within this personality-entity in the belief, experience and acceptance that I am not able to or capable of directing myself without protecting myself through and within this personality – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have abdicated myself to fear and see that the belief and acceptance of being at war with a partner, is not real and is in fact reflecting my acceptance of myself as at war with myself, within and as having separated myself into and as parts as a physical impossibility that all believe that they are “the one” – not seeing or realizing that there is only one “one” and that we are all “it” and as such that war does not exist except for in our fear of losing ourselves – to ourselves as that which we’ve separated ourselves into and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to do anything in conflicts to win and as such be willing to harm and abuse the other partner in the relationship and to within myself justify this in a self-righteous and delusional belief that they are my enemy and that if I do not “kill” them, they will “kill” me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the belief, acceptance, experience and manifestation of conflicts in relationships as being “kill or be killed” and through and within that have justified myself as self-righteous in doing anything and everything to win in the conflict, no matter the harm it might cause my partner or myself or anyone else in the vicinity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live, exist and accept myself as existing within and as survival as “kill or be killed” in all my relationships and interactions with other human beings, where I am constantly on guard and ready to activate my warrior personality, so that I can “fight for my life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I am fighting for as “my life” and “myself” when I allow myself to go into war with other human beings in relationships, is myself, where I fight for myself within and as fear of losing myself, in defining, experiencing and accepting myself as “a part” – as separate from others, which is in fact accepting myself as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand – or even for a moment consider the compromise, harm and abuse that I am inflicting upon my reality, my partner and myself in and as the human physical body and that I have justified doing this and not caring about who I have to hurt – because I have completely and totally committed and submitted myself to the fear of losing myself and the belief that I must fight for my survival within and as winning conflicts at ALL costs

I forgive myself that I have not in any way whatsoever cared about or considered how the other part is experiencing themselves in the conflict or even who I actually experience myself, because and within how I have completely submitted myself to fear of losing myself and the subsequent personality-entity of “battling” and “being at war”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand the true meaning of “All is fair in love and war” where in fact love-relationships is a form of war and is accepted as war and how war is accepted in relationships as an intrinsic part of being in a relationship, even though it is tabooed and suppressed in common life as though it does not exist and in people’s perception and presentation of their relationships and of themselves in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, immediately as I hear the other part in the relationship speak something or express something with their physical movements that can remotely be perceived and interpreted as a threat – within and as my mental database of memories of what is threatening for me as I have accepted myself as ego – I activate and go into the warrior personality of constricting myself, tensing and straightening my shoulders and back as a soldier, tightening my lips and clenching my jaws, bare my teeth, pushing my head forward, widening my eyes and separate myself from my entire body in centering myself in this area of my body in pulling all of myself together in preparing myself to fight and defeat the other part in the conflict

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how I, through my acceptance of myself in and as war with myself within and as myself and within and as my relationships with others, manifested, created and accepted wars outside in the world-system as actual wars with actual casualties of men, women and children brutally dying and being killed in vicious and brutal ways –and how I through justifying the war within and as myself and in my relationships with others and how I experience myself self-righteous in the belief that I must “kill or be killed” to survive and win and not lose myself - have accepted and allowed myself to justify the making of wars and the raping of women and children through wars and the brutal and viscous killing and bombing of innocent beings and the sending off of soldiers to fight and kill and be killed in the name of fear and profit – exactly as I have justified wars within and as me in the greed of wanting to win and keep myself existing as is as a part that fight to be “the one” – not realizing or accepting that I and we can live together “as one” – by stopping the wars and the fear of losing ourselves and the belief and acceptance that we are separate and “apart”.

I commit myself to stop and eradicate the warrior-personality-entity within me and the acceptance and justification of myself in and as the warrior-personality-entity through how I speak and express myself in conflicts, how I present and express my physical body

I commit myself to consider and develop care about what my acceptances and allowances of and as myself have as consequence of and effect on myself other human beings, my living environment and the world as a whole and to align myself and change myself within that, according to what is best for all

I commit myself to stop participating in conflicts from the starting-point of fear of losing myself – of believing and accepting that I can lose myself within the acceptance that I am separate from the other part in the conflict and that I must either win back or lose myself – as reflecting my own acceptance of myself as in conflict within having accepted myself as separate from, of and within myself – I stop.

When and as I see a point of conflict emerging within and as me in relation to another human being, I immediately stop. I Breathe through the experience and bring myself back here in and as the totality of my physical body. I investigate what it is of and as myself that I experience have been threatened and that I fear losing and I direct myself to look at the point in common sense. I direct myself to express and speak in common sense only once I am satisfied that I am clear.

I commit myself to expose and reveal how we as human beings accept and allow wars in the world, through the wars we accept and allow within and as ourselves and in our relationships with each other – and to expose how we justify these wars in politics as righteous exactly as we justify them within ourselves – and in that all the methods and consequences of war – through the fear of losing ourselves, through the greed of being “the one” – the one true religion, the one country, the one true people, the one gang on the turf

I commit myself to bring all parts of myself, within and as myself and within and as my relationships with others and in the global relationship of the whole world – bring to myself in and as working together to create a world and a living environment that is best for all – that is free from abuse and harm and fear – until no more parts exist and all exist within and as individualized expressions of and as the same whole

For expanded perspectives on the points brought up in this writing :

How Thoughts Bombard The Physical and Destroy Self: http://eqafe.com/i/abrix-thomsen-life-r ... stroy-self

Radical Relationships - Is Love the Only Truth: http://eqafe.com/p/radical-relationship ... only-truth

Life Review - The strategic soldier: http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-strategic-soldier

Life Review - A woman of War: http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-a-woman-of-war

Life Review - Growing-Up with Physical-Abuse: http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-growing- ... ical-abuse

Life Review - Living Fear: http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-living-fear

[Anna]

DAY 24: Who I am as: 'The Good Christian Woe-Man'
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/12/d ... n-woe-man/

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that to be in a relationship, I must and have to compromise myself – within the belief and acceptance that I am not good enough as I am and that if who I am risk me not being in a relationship, then I have to and must compromise myself to stay in the relationship

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to ever question my unconditional acceptance of the belief that I have to and must compromise myself to be in a relationship within believing and accepting that who I am is not good enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question my unconditional acceptance of myself as not good enough – not questioning the belief and acceptance that simply because I am a woman I believe and accept women and myself as a woman as intrinsically inferior, less than and not good enough and as such dependent upon a man in a relationship to survive and exist and accept myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through and within lying to myself and deceive myself and convince myself into believing that it is righteous and acceptable and required that I compromise myself to be in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that if I do not compromise myself to be in a relationship, I will be compromised as I have made my survival and as such my existence and worth and value in this world, based on my ability to be in a relationship and the consequent practical benefit of being financially supported and protected by a man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, define, experience and accept it as “perfectly natural” for me to compromise myself to be in a relationship and to have compromised myself completely and entirely without question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my entire participation in and as this world and this reality on the acceptance that I am not good enough and that I need a man to be worthy and valuable and to exist and survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in a relationship that I did not want to be in, because 1) I was afraid of the relationship ending and me being alone and thus unprotected and not worthy and how it would reflect on me that a relationship ended and 2) because I feared being a bad person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to remain in a relationship I did not want to be in within justifying that I should stay in the relationship so to not hurt my boyfriend so that I would not have to feel bad about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as a bad person if I was to leave my boyfriend and because of that, have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into remaining in the relationship to not experience myself like a bad person and feel guilty about hurting another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not successful at being in a relationship, if I cannot maintain a relationship, then I am not worthy of existing and I will not be able to live or exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the belief that women intrinsically are less than and inferior to males as though this is an unquestionable fact of life and that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to his belief as though it was a religious dogma that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject and submit myself to as yet another aspect of my abdication of myself to religions and religious beliefs and dogmas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept my “role” as a woman in this world and reality exactly as a ‘role’ and a ‘label’ and a definition that I have subjected myself to, never questioning why or how I am defining myself according to a ‘role’ and as such as something that is separate from me and within that very acceptance of myself as a ‘role’ have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here as life, as self-expression in, of and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept without question that my role as a woman is to stand in the shadow of a man, dependent upon a man, only existing in support of a man as that which have worth and purpose in this world and as not having any value of myself in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of and comfortable with my self-imposed roles as a woman, standing, living and existing within and as a definition of woman as ‘sacrifice’ as the ones that ‘owe’ her life to the man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, accept and define myself according to the definition of myself as a woman as ‘sacrifice’ within and as the belief and acceptance of myself as owing my life to man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept women as created by the rip of the man, as only a part of the man and not in any way whole in and as ourselves and as such because I am born with and within a biological female body, have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and according to this belief, dogma and acceptance

“God cherishes His maidservants and expects them to be trusted helpers and wise counselors. However, He chastens the foolish woman as being “loud and brash” and “ignorant” without even knowing it (Proverbs 9:13, NLT).”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have defined, believed in and accepted myself as a “woman” as someone that is intrinsically less-than and inferior to the opposite sex – not based on any form of practical or physical actuality – but only because of diluted religious beliefs of suppression, oppression and inequality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of being a woman and what a woman is defined as – what I have accepted and allowed myself to define a woman as and thus myself as a woman as being a humble servant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself cherished and loved and that I have a place in the world because of my definition of myself as being a “woman” and in that not see how in and through that, have accepted myself as intrinsically less-than and inferior and in fact and as such unable to move myself or live independently

Eve is a tragic example of a woman who made a terribly foolish mistake. She was “foolish” to engage with the serpent in the first place and she was doubly foolish to then push something
onto her husband that she knew was contrary to God’s will. However, Eve was “deceived” (1 Timothy 2:14). Adam was not deceived. Adam was guilty of being led astray by his wife. Adam willfully sinned. He allowed his wife to lead him into rebellion against God. Indeed, the foolish woman can destroy her own house and her own family (Proverbs 14:1)!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as intrinsically flawed and guilty as owing to the man and as such to god because of the belief, definition and acceptance of myself as a temptress that is responsible and to blame for the fall and disgrace of man through my questioning of that which have existed as ‘god’ – of that which I have accepted and allowed to become the god of me

“Indeed, the good Christian wife is a trusted confidante and invaluable counselor to her husband (Genesis 2:18).”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, experience and believe and accept myself as a woman as existing only as a support of the man and not in any way exist on my own volition of in self-reliance

(To be continued)

[Anna]

DAY 25: Who I am as: A 'Woman of Sin Indebted to Man'
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/13/d ... ed-to-man/

I am continuing with the deconstruction of the label of the woe-man' that I started in my previous writing, that has been specifically connected to the Christian ‘below-man female’ as how a woman is below the man that is below god. I will continue with writing out the self-forgiveness on this point; however I will also look further into the definition of being a woe-man, woe literally meaning “sorrow” and “grief” while man in general is referred to as “human being” – so that would mean that the manifestation of the female as ‘woe-man’ is existing within and as the manifestation of the sorrow (or fall of man). In the end of this writing, I’ll provide links to articles that expands this into depth.

Let’s continue:

Paul records that God gave women long hair for their glory (1 Corinthians 11:15), and that for a woman to wear her hair unnaturally short is dishonorable to her and to God (vv. 4–6).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that if I were to live and express myself, as myself without placing myself into the role of being a woman, I will be acting dishonorable towards ‘my man’ as I have defined the man equal to god and as such that I am acting dishonorable towards god, and as such allow not myself to express myself in any way that can be perceived or seen as un-feminine out of fear of being rejected and left by man (as god) not allowing myself to see, realize or understand that the purpose of this belief and the subsequent fear I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to, was so that I would remained enslaved within and as the definition of myself as woman as less-than and superior to man and as such if I stopped defining myself according to the idea and doctrine about what being a woman is, I would actually free myself from my own self-accepted limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit and subject myself to fear of being rejected and denounced and excluded from my relationship with the man (as god) that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define, experience and accept myself as dependent upon and thus enslaved to – and thus having accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as a slave and within and because of the belief that I, as a woman am inherently flawed, weak and evil, have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I owe my life to the man (as god) and as such that it is completely natural and acceptable for me to accept myself as a slave and as dependent upon a man (as god) to live and to be of any worth in this world

A real Christian does not “covet” another role or another reality. Eve coveted what God said she was not to have and was deceived. Adam then willingly followed his wife into sin. But, a real Christian does not covet a thing, a position, a role, or a reality more than what God has made possible (2 Corinthians 10:5).

To not be “content” with our roles and with our God is lustfulness and covetousness, which is sin (Romans 7:7; Hebrews 13:5).

I forgive myself that I have never accepted or allowed myself to question my role or reality of myself as a woman and that I within that have held myself enslaved to my self-imposed role as a woman, through the fear and belief that I as a woman am prone to deceive and be deceived and that I therefore must hold myself and be held in a firm moral grip to not ‘step out of bounds’ and that I am forever indebted and thus enslaved to man (as god) for my perceived sin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing and accepting myself as inherently evil, dangerous and sinful within having allowed myself to question the authority of man (as god) and through that having accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and be deceived to believe that I have sinned because I asked questions to the authority of man (as god) and that I because of that am and will be forever indebted to man (as god).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self-expression and even directly deny and resist my own self-expression, within how I have completely and entirely subjected and submitted myself to the belief and acceptance that who I am as as a woman, is sin and that because I have accepted and allowed myself to sin against god, I am evil and in debt to man (as god) and a danger to "the order of life" and a such that I deserve to be contaminated - not realizing the total deception within this of how what I suppressed and denied was my own self-expression and that all that I was a threat to, was the system of enslavement that I have submitted myself to

God is a “jealous God.” He made us. He called us. He gave us instructions to live by. To put anything before Him is idolatry (Exodus 20:5; 34:14).

I forgive myself that I have accepted or allowed myself to believe and accept that it is my fault that man (as god) is jealous because and within the belief that I have sinned and as such that I deserve any punishment or anger that man (as god) see fit and that I am forever indebted to prove my loyalty to man (as god) by unconditionally submitting myself to his will and command and place myself in the role of being a woman as a servant

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (Peter 3:7)

God has ordained that wives should submit to their husbands “as is fitting in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18), “…the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man” (1 Corinthians 11:3)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience, define, judge and accept myself as a woman, as ‘weak’ – physically, mentally, emotionally and morally and that I have never accepted or allowed myself to question this belief within having defined, believed and accepted it as “natural” and as “the word of god” as an inherent and finite “truth” of “who” and “what” I am and as such that man (as god) is inherently “bigger”, “more” and “stronger” and thus superior to me and therefore and thereby inherently righteous and powerful over me and within that accept myself as a slave, servant, subject to the man (as god) and thus accept myself as powerless and as not having any worth or value in or as myself and thereby accept and believe myself to be dependent completely and entirely upon a man (as god) to survive as exist in this world and this reality – not ever accepting or allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the idea, belief, dogma and role of being ‘a woman’ is entirely constructed and thus not real and that I have therefore superimposed a delusion of limitation upon myself and upon reality as though it is real, even though it is a construct and design of and as enslavement of life as yet another part of the entire system of enslavement that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself within and as – enslaving myself to deceptive stories about who I am in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that my primary role as a woman is to ‘stand by my man’ and as such that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that what I have stood by, through my entire existence as a woman, has been the system of enslavement (as god) that I have equated, associated with and projected onto man and my relationship (as sexual/marital) with man.

Let’s have a look at some definitions of “woman”

So woe-man can be defined as “the sorrow of humanity” within a definition of the woman as the acceptance of self as enslaved and suffering. In looking further into the definitions I found the following:

late O.E. wimman (pl. wimmen), lit. "woman-man," alteration of wifman (pl. wifmen), a compound of wif "woman" (see wife) + man "human being" (in Old English used in reference to both sexes; see man (n.)). Cf. Du. vrouwmens "wife," lit. "woman-man." The formation is peculiar to English and Dutch. Replaced older Old English wif and quean as the word for "female human being." The pronunciation of the singular altered in Middle English by the rounding influence of -w-; the plural retains the original vowel. Meaning "wife," now largely restricted to U.S. dialectal use, is attested from mid-15c. Women's liberation is attested from 1966; women's rights is from 1840, with an isolated example in 1630s.

O.E. wif "woman," from P.Gmc. *wiban (cf. O.S., O.Fris. wif, O.N. vif, Dan., Swed. viv, M.Du., Du. wijf, O.H.G. wib, Ger. Weib), of uncertain origin. Some proposed PIE roots include *weip- "to twist, turn, wrap," perhaps with sense of "veiled person" (see vibrate); or *ghwibh-, a proposed root meaning "shame," also "pudenda," but the only examples of it are wife and Tocharian (a lost IE language of central Asia) kwipe, kip "female pudenda."

So “Wife” has been defined as “twist/wrap” as a “veiled person” on one hand and on the other as “shame” which fits with my previous definition of the Christian woman as being indebted to the man (as god) because of previous sins – but that exactly ties in with the woman as wife = in agreement with god – is veiled – and self-veiled in accepting self as a sinner and as such indebted and therefore existing in shame and suffering – wrapped and twisted into the delusion of separation.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted or allowed myself to look at or investigate the definition of being a woman and how that has existed throughout time in and as this world and this reality and how I have defined myself accordingly in a relationship to and with the world as a woman

I forgive myself that I have never accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have deceived myself into enslaving myself into self-limitation and fear of myself as who I am as life, as nature, as beingness, as unconditional self-expression here without limitation within and as accepting myself as a sinner and because of that as forever indebted to man (as god) to whom which I have accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on to exist and to be of any worth or value in this world and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to have veiled myself and as such hidden myself from and within myself through the fear of facing myself as who and what I really am, believing and accepting that who and what I really am, is a danger to “the order of life” while in fact this is in complete reverse, as “the order of life” is a system of enslavement and as such I have held myself in fear of myself as “sin” to not be a threat to the system of enslavement of life as myself

Redefinition of ‘woman’:

A woman is the description of a female human body as distinctively different in its physical manifestation of form as that of the male. The woman is a design of limitation and separation in its essential design – therefore we will most likely not remain as males and females – however that does not mean that one cannot embrace oneself as a being without defining oneself as male or female, yet at the same time embrace oneself as a male or a female in the recognition of who and what we have accepted ourselves in and as.

I commit myself to support myself to stop all definitions of and as myself as a ‘woman’ as being a liability to the order of things, as a sinner and as such indebted to man - and all consequential limitations and beliefs that I have connected to be a woman through which I have suppressed and limited myself

I commit myself to support myself to stop all outflow living and participation of my belief and acceptance that I as a woman exist indebted to man (as god) because of my acceptance of myself as a sinner

I commit myself to investigate and expose all points that I have accepted as separate from me within to and as defining myself as a woman and to stop and stand up from all definitions and to assist others to do the same

I commit myself to investigate and expose all labels of roles that I have defined myself within and according to a system that are designed to keep me enslaved through my very permission and abdication to and as these systems, roles, definitions and labels

I commit myself to investigate and get to know myself in and as self-intimacy through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application as who and what I am without limiting myself to fear and the label of being a woman and simply embrace myself here

Suggested reading:

http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/19/d ... christian/

http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/12/d ... n-woe-man/

http://desteni.org/a/marilyn-monroe-the ... nstruation

http://desteni.org/a/veno-self-forgiveness-female-ego

http://journeytolife.aldinhrvat.com/day ... rsed-case/

http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.se/2 ... woman.html

http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.co ... -an-image/

[Anna]

DAY 26: The Be-Life Decree of Energy as “That which gives me Life”
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/14/d ... s-me-life/

If I were to do a life-review right now, the primary point I would look back as, as my “weakness” in life is emotions and with that energy as that which emotions are made up and fuel. Through my participation with Desteni I have learned that energy through the friction generated through emotions as inner conflicts based on separation, is what the mind-consciousness-system feed off and essentially consist of and exist as. Without energy, the mind cannot ‘survive’ – why? Because the mind is essentially not real, it is a delusional artificial parasite, a program that we have forced onto the actual physical – real – reality and because of that, it requires a constant re-charging (re-confirmation) to be “in check” as that which governs our lives through possession.

So far so good, I understand how it works. And I understand that emotions as that through which energy is generated, is only able to emerge and possess me, within how I have created relationships in my mind about who and what I am in relation to the world, myself and other beings. So a thought pops up and my connection to that thought as a relationship, wherein I define myself according to the thought is how it is possible to generate emotions. Emotions emerge when we’ve taken thoughts personally. So I understand all of this, so far, so good. However, I still have a tendency to become possessed by emotions and as such by energy. I feed off it because I am the mind – at the absolute detriment of the human physical body and life on earth in its totality. So my question to myself is the following: why is it that I, in spite of this knowing, am still allowing myself to become possessed by emotions more or less daily and constantly?

I see two points of limitation that I have held onto and not let go of:

The belief that I need motion/emotion/energy to sustain myself and exist here. I see how belief is directly be-life meaning it is a directive decision to ‘be-as-life’ that which I believe, which is like a decree that I have placed upon myself as a living principle. It is also that which I have accepted (as belief) myself as, as life – thus that “I will be life” through existing within and as, and generating emotion
I fear letting go of my decree of existing in motion/emotion/energy because of the acceptance that that is what is keeping me alive. As such, the fear is that within which I hold myself to the decree and use as a justification for not challenging my belief in emotion.

Emotion literally means “move out/out move”[i] which is then and thus the actual living declaration of separation, how we continuously separate ourselves from ourselves through creating relationships of friction towards the world, other beings and ourselves. What is interesting about the word “fear” is that its origin[ii] means: “to lie in wait” and “to plot against/taunt” – so fear is directly and specifically the act of self-sabotage, of hiding from oneself, of waiting for oneself, of plotting against oneself.

Therefore, in allowing myself to exist within and as emotion as the generation of energy, constantly and continuously, I am plotting against myself to sabotage myself. My direct submission to emotions, via the belief that I need emotions as energy to exist, thus makes me completely and totally the bitch of the mind. The evidence is clear in my daily experiences of emotional possession, where I have absolutely no control over myself. The ego, as the spokesperson for the conglomeration of personalities, all designed to generated energy through friction in one way or another – is then that which I experience myself as, as a “one” – one person, one individual, one human being, yet consisting of a myriad of various personalities that are all fighting each other to be “the one” – not ever realizing, seeing or understanding that I am already One, as living and existing here, one and equal with life as all that is here. The Ego is that which says “go mind! Go!” – Thus the front person in the one-man big band in my head cheering on the crowd as all the personalities to generate these experiences. Because no matter what: I allow it.

Knowing all of this has not changed anything. So what will it take for me to stop and change? The ‘level’ I have to change myself at, is at the level of my acceptances and allowances – because it is only in that that I am able to stand one and equal to myself as motion/emotion/energy. I got the information. I have applied lots of self-forgiveness on emotions, feelings and energy – but little has changed and if it was not clear before, it is now as crystal clear as it gets, that I am literally destroying myself through my acceptance and allowance of myself to participate in energy.

Let’s have a look at some of the definitions:

Defining energy as a good thing. Believing that I am in motion with emotion. Believing as the decree of saying: “Be life!” The ego as the voice of “sanity”, that which brings “us all” together – NOT! So E-Motion is energy in motion and in and through that the belief = be-life that I as “Life” am moving myself. See, because the mind is not really life, but only a simulation of it – it requires to create an optical illusion of movement (because life is Movement/Sound) to make me as the “Mover” accept that the mind is life. “E” also almost sound as “I” thus the illusion of self that is not life, but that is the mind, that is consciousness, the delusion of “self-awareness”. Another interesting definition is “energy”[iii] as it is defined as “forced expression” but also as “en” = “In” and “ergon” = “work” which actually comes from “urge” which means “to push/press hard/compel ” which in some languages also contains definitions of “religious performances”, “tie/fasten/squeeze” and even “enemy” and “hunt”. This thus means that emotion is the “thrill of the hunt” as the action of moving as energy, which is literally “hard work” and specifically ties in with how we as humans have become slaves to energy. This is our forced expression of life, insisting, forcing, and driving life as energy to work for absolutely no reason than to retain itself. And THAT is what I live and exist as. That is what I have given myself permission and decree to live within and as, through my be-life in energy as that which keeps me alive, while it is doing nothing but driving me to my grave, so that the system of itself can continue, completely lost, completely possessed and a living manifestation of misery because that which is not real can never be real. And I am responsible for that torture and taunt of myself as energy. I am the one that have gone along for the ride.

There is nothing else to say. This is simply what it is. What I mean, is that there is no mystery behind it or any back doors as some reason for why energy should exist. So I have been a 100 % loyal slave to energy, no questions about it. It has been my drug nr. 1 and I have been willing to let all of existence suffer including self-destruct to remain existing as energy – all because of the starting-point of myself as fear of loss – fear as we discussed is defined as “to lie in wait” and “to plot against/taunt” – so fear of loss is to lie in wait of loss, in and acceptance and anticipation of loss as well as plotting against self as loss. None of it is Real!

So Thought = Living Word that is formulated through the decree of belief as the deceptiveness in creating personal relationships towards thoughts in saying: “be-life!” When the relationship is that of acceptance, I become that which I have accepted as real.

SELF-FOR-GIVENESS:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in energy and through my belief as a decree of my directive will have directed myself to be energy through the living directive of that which I believe will be-life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy cannot be “that which gives me life” because energy is generated BY and through the physical as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, experience, believe and accept energy as “positive” as “that which gives life” when energy is in fact a simulation of life, a depletion of life, a delusion/illusion that wants to be life instead of life – a physical impossibility and as such not life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I have experienced difficulty in stopping participation in energy, is because I have accepted energy as “that which gives me life” in the living decreed as word and deed as the directive to be-life that without energy I will and cannot exist – within and as having accepted myself as the mind consisting of and existing as energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and accept myself as dependent upon energy to exist, within and as having defined and accepted myself as the mind – as a delusion as a simulation of life that is not life in fact and therefore is dependent upon life-source-substance to ‘exist’ even though that ‘existence’ is not real because it is in no way self-sustainable and is dependent upon a source outside separate from it, not realizing that something that is dependent upon something else to exist, cannot be life in fact as life is here, constant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself and accept myself completely, entirely and unconditionally as a devoted follower of energy – a follower indeed as a slave because and within how I willingly only do that which energy as experience, feeling and emotion tell me to do and fear doing anything that is not directed by energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing anything that is not dictated and directed by energy as experience, emotion and feeling within how I have accepted energy as “that which gives me life” and fear as that which protects me – not admitting to myself or being self-honest about what fear really is, as that which I use to plot against myself – and where I lie in wait as an ambush as I use energy to hunt life down and lie in waiting for myself to bring myself back to myself and actually start living – and also lie AS waiting through using fear to keep myself at bay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to and submit myself to fear of doing anything that is not directed and dictated by energy and as such only allow myself to act according to energy, as energetic experiences, emotions, feelings, desires and cravings based on the decree as the direction to be-life that energy is that which “gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is NOT that which gives me life – as life is here, constant, while energy is fluctuant, unstable and able to be depleted and inflated according to manipulation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that it is through my acceptance of energy as “that which gives me life” that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to energy as a slave in believing in energy as a decree that I deem and direct to be life – that I deem and direct to be life within and as accepting and defining myself as consciousness in a relationship with energy as “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life is that which gives life to life in the simplicity of life being life without any intermediaries or conditions or dependencies that makes it what it is

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I direct myself according to energy only – as experiences, emotions and feelings – I am living the decree of the directive delusion that I have accepted as life as “who I am” and that I as such am not living as all, but in fact depleting myself as life through sucking the life out of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a willing slave of energy within and as the experience, belief, experience and acceptance of energy as “that which gives me life” – not seeing, realizing or understanding that I am the one that have accepted energy as that which gives me life, never considering or questioning if that is so in fact – never questioning that I constantly need to fill myself up with energy, charge myself, that I must use my body and other human beings to charge and discharge energy, not realizing the extensive abuse that I have exposed myself as the physical, as the body and the earth to through my submission and addition to energy in the decree as the living statement of be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to question the decree as the directive living statement of be-life of energy as “that which gives me life” without ever investigating what energy in fact is or how I have created energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly as in with-will have submitted myself completely and entirely to energy in the decree as the directive be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly as in with-will have submitted myself to the fear of not existing within and as energy within and as believing and as such making the directive decree that fear is protecting me from danger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to do and say and kill and destroy and torture and harm anything and any one for energy within and as having completely and entirely submitted myself to the belief as a directive decree of be-life that energy is “that which gives me life” and that without it, I cannot exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit to myself that the basic definition of an addict, is someone that believes that they cannot live without something that they do not in fact need and that in many cases is harmful to them and their surroundings – it is no different than my relationship to energy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have created and existed within and as a relationship with energy within, through and as the acceptance that if I unconditionally submit myself to energy and allow energy to direct and control me, my life, my participation and my human physical body – energy will then grant me life – not seeing, realizing or understanding the absolute delusion that I have diluted myself into and as and how it is entirely in reverse as how I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to, as and within energy and precisely within and because of that have not granted myself life and have in fact denied myself life through my deliberate subjecting of myself to energy, when in fact, if I allowed myself to direct myself here in and as breath in stopping all participation in energy, I can in fact direct myself in and as my human physical body, to walk out of the mind and into the physical as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that while I am ‘honoring’ myself as emotions, feelings and experiences simply by allowing myself to participate in and accept myself to experience and validate emotions and feelings within and as me – I am in fact dishonoring and invalidating myself as life in and as the physical – and therefore, the only way to in fact honor myself as life, is by stopping all participation in emotions and feelings and experiences as energy as the very manifestation of energy is existing within and as disservice, dishonoring and invalidation of myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to value me as life in any way what so ever – to not even recognize myself as life and as such in no way accept or allow myself to honor myself life as life and only honor myself as energy – as the very destruction of myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let energy penetrate, permeate and infiltrate my entire being and living and participation in and as this world and this reality, from a decision as to whether or not I should drink coffee or eat something to anything I participate within and as and any decision I make

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be willing to stop participating in energy through emotions and feelings and experiences and inner conflicts and friction – because I have submitted myself so extensively to the fear of stopping energy in the belief as a directive decree of who I am as be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life is that which gives me life and that I as life, am that which have given myself life and as such that by submitting and subjecting myself to energy, I have abdicated myself as life and separated myself from myself as life and have declared the delusion “life” and as such set myself on a path of complete self-destruction and depletion in insisting that the delusion is that which is giving me life and that life does not exist without energy and as such that who and what I am, is energy and not life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every moment that I accept and allow myself to direct myself within and according to energy – through, as and within emotions, feelings and experiences, I am in fact disowning myself as life and as such diminishing myself to exist within and as a slave to energy only

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is ONLY through my acceptance and allowance that ANYTHING exist in and as this world and this reality – and that the very fact that I am not aware of this, simply shows and indicates the extent to which I have separated myself from and as such abdicated myself as life and that the only solution is that I bring myself back to the point of acceptance and allowance and through self-honesty stand myself up as self-responsible for and as myself here and all and anything that I have accepted and allowed myself in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe – and in that declare a directive decree as what I allow myself to be-live – that I am less than and inferior to energy within having accepted and believed energy as “that which gives me life” and that as such is more than me and superior to me and by that very acceptance, reigns over me and that I am such a slave to energy in any and all ways

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason I am a slave to energy, is because I have accepted myself as such – and that my acceptance and allowance is the directive principle of and as me – and that therefore I do not have to be a slave to energy and that I CAN direct myself here to step out of the mind and into the physical as life as who I am

I commit myself to investigate all points of participation that are based on energy and to expose and reveal to myself all points where I have accepted and allowed myself to live and participate in my world and my reality based on energy and to check myself in every moment of every breath to make sure that I am participating here as a physical directive of and as myself

I commit myself to support myself to stop the directive will of and as myself as the living decree of who I am as be-life that energy is “that which gives me life” and to support myself to birth myself here in and as the physical as life

I commit myself to support and assist all and anyone who as I have lived or am living according to the belief that energy is that which gives us life – to realize, see and understand as I support myself to see, realize and understand – that energy is not that which gives us life and that life is that which gives us life and that we as such are life and not energy

I commit myself to support myself to step out of the mind and into the physical and to get to know myself as life without participation in and existence as the mind – through supporting myself in breath and breathing and through writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and through walking my Desteni I Process – assist and support myself to birth myself as life, in and as the physical

I commit myself to support myself to honor myself as life through stopping any and all participating in energy and energetic experiences of emotions, feelings and experiences and as such stabilize myself here in breath in and as the physical

Suggested reading/watching for further perspectives:

2012: Energy Dependency vs. Self-Trust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za16xBYH ... e=youtu.be

2012 System Demons 24 - Energy Demon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88F24Q8LGLs

Day 29: The Most HORRID Disease on Earth

http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.se/2 ... earth.html

Day 31: The Secret of Breath

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... reath.html

2011: The Ego Defending Backchat Demon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXMImqzt ... re=related



[i] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=emotion

[ii] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?all ... hmode=none
[iii] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=energy

[Anna]

DAY 27: Be-Living in Thoughts as ‘Who I am’
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/15/d ... -who-i-am/

I am continuing from yesterday’s writing with looking at my relationships that I have created towards the mind and as such exist enslaved to and within – this time I am looking at my relationship towards thoughts, whereas yesterday I looked at my relationship to and submission to energy and emotions. I write these points out in the moment and I have decided to add my pre-considerations before the self-forgiveness process, to show and share how I move through the points. But if you’re specifically interested in the self-forgiveness part, you’re welcome to scroll down and simply read that part.

What I found in yesterday’s writings:

The point regarding thought, is the same point as with why I allow myself to be directed by energy and emotion – it is at the level of my acceptances and allowances in my relationship with thoughts that I stop allowing myself to be directed by, within and as thoughts.

Thought = Living Word that is formulated through the decree of belief as the deceptiveness in creating personal relationships towards thoughts in saying: “be-life!” When the relationship is that of acceptance, I become that which I have accepted as real.

Today I looked at the definition of thought and think and found the following:

O.E. þencan "conceive in the mind, think, consider, intend" (past tense þohte, p.p. geþoht), probably originally "cause to appear to oneself," from P.Gmc. *thankjan (cf. O.Fris. thinka, O.S. thenkian, O.H.G. denchen, Ger. denken, O.N. þekkja, Goth. þagkjan); O.E. þencan is the causative form of the distinct O.E. verb þyncan "to seem or appear" (past tense þuhte, pp. geþuht), from P.Gmc. *thunkjan (cf. Ger. dünken, däuchte). Both are from PIE *tong- "to think, feel" which also is the root of thought and thank. The two meanings converged in M.E. and þyncan "to seem" was absorbed, except for archaic methinks "it seems to me." Jocular pp. thunk (not historical, but by analogy of drink, sink, etc.) is recorded from 1876.

The specific definition that is relevant in relation to my relationship with thoughts is “cause to appear to oneself” – so when ‘we’ think – we are causing something to appear to ourselves, that is the nature of the thought. But are we actually the ones thinking? No – thoughts are operating at an automated level, I have absolutely no control. But that does not mean that I am not responsible and that the initial point is my acceptance and allowance. Another interesting point is that think is juxtaposed with “feeling” – thus thoughts and feelings go together.

SOUNDING of “Thought” and “Think”

THOUGHT:

THOU-ART = “YOU ARE”

THOU-OUGHT = “YOU SHOULD/SHALL”

THUG-HATE = THE SPITEFULNESS OF MIND

THUGGED = LIFE STOLEN BY THE MIND

THINK = THE-INK = THE LIVING WORD WRITTEN BY SELF

THY-INK = THAT WHICH WE USE TO WRITE THE LIVING WORD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin and end my day with participating in a thought and as such allow thoughts to be that which direct me throughout my day and that which starts and ends me - that which I start and end myself with

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is ONLY through my direct decree and permission that thoughts are directing me and that this in itself reveals and exposes the very paradox that I have accepted and allowed to become ‘who I am’ within how I, within and through my very permission have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave to thoughts – inferior to thoughts, less than thoughts because of my direct and deliberate abdication of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-live as a decree of the living word of myself, to which I have submitted myself – that I am the thoughts while in fact the thoughts are in full control of me and as such are NOT me as they are representing an automated program that I have submitted, subjected and abdicated myself to and as such represent my very abdication of and as myself – the paradox that the thoughts are me as the very manifestation of my self-abdication of and as myself to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see and experience the thoughts that emerge in my mind as ‘menial’ an ‘insignificant’ and thus in fact disregarding what the very representation of thoughts is, as what it exists as and consist of – as the very manifestation of my deliberate self-abdication of self-responsibility and as such that every time I accept or allow myself to participate within a thought or allow a thought to emerge without me in fact directing it in and as self-responsibility to de-construct the program that the thought run on and represent – I am re-confirming my separation and abdication of myself as life – and as such directly and indirectly allow existence to remain divided, separated and suffering – at my very decree

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that my very decree that I sealed through the living word as the be-live in the relationship with myself as the mind – the decree as the be-live that I am separate – is that which I keep myself separated through, within and as – even though I cannot remember how I made the decree or how I have re-confirmed this decree throughout the ages of my existence – therefore, by seeing the very fact that a belief is a decree as a living statement of myself, I can begin the process of tracing myself back to the beginning of my decree and decision to separate myself from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that thoughts are NOT menial or insignificant in any way, as they show me exactly who and what I have separated myself into and as – yet that they at the same time are entirely irrelevant in themselves a they have no jurisdiction or dominion over life, except for in my very abdication of myself to them

(to be continued)

[Anna]

DAY 28: I Think Therefore I am NOT!
http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/05/17/d ... -i-am-not/

Descartes said: "I think therefore I am" - within making that statement, he used the living word of self to solidify self in and as the mind - not because we are BECAUSE we think, but because we are the living word of/as self. This is the agenda of this writing and possibly many writings to come. Within how I create a relationship to the mind/thoughts and as such create experiences of/as myself that I solidify as 'who I am'. It is dimensions of this entire triangular relationship that I am looking at here, me as the directive principle in conjunction with thoughts and emotions/energy and how I exist within and as that as ego. So I will continue the deconstruction based on my acceptances and allowances the last 48 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, believe, perceive and accept myself as unable and incapable of effectively writing myself out and to accept this experience as real in conjunction with the thought that I am not able to write as a decree of living word as a directive statement of be-live that I am unable to write and as such submit myself and subject myself to an energetic-emotional experience based on friction, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and sabotage and manipulate myself through, as and within my direct decree of participation in and acceptance of thought-energy-directive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a complete emotional lock-down, where I constrict my entire body into and as shut-down where all that exist is my experience of suppression and constriction and as such consolidate myself within and as the self-created experience and belief and acceptance that I am unable to move myself out of the experience and the more I participate, the more I allow the experience to compound and accumulate

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to stop and realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by emotion within and as the continued submission to energy through generating friction within and as myself and through the direct decree of be-live – completely enslaving and subjecting myself within and as my physical body to the torture of the mind pulling and tucking and forcing energy out of the physical substance through my accepted and allowed relationship to/with/as the mind in and as friction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to throw an emotional tantrum and shut myself down and refuse to participate in anything or with anyone within the perception and belief that it is unfair and unjust that I can’t get what I want or be who I want to be, as though it is someone else’s fault and responsibility and certainly not mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and judge myself for/as not writing any fantastic self-forgiveness about some fantastic point and to be ashamed that this is what is here - shittiness, rottenness, cowardice, self-pity and as such experience resistance towards exposing myself as what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand the impact my participation in and acceptance of/as a single thought can have/has and not even now see or realize the entirety of the impact, within and as how I exist separated into and as a singular individual entity based on/as/with the mind from where I do not see/experience or understand myself as interconnected with/as the rest of the world and myself as totality of and as me of/as my human physical body – but also within I, from allowing myself to participate in a single thought can/will allow/have allowed myself to spin myself into an entire time-loop an emotional/energetic possessions because it all starts with a thought as the living word of who I am that I have internalized into and separated into and as a thought of the mind – thus believing that it is contained to/within/as the mind, not realizing that whatever living word I be-live as a directive decree of my acceptances and allowances will manifest as who and what I am, in/as myself, in/as this physical body and in/as this world in its entirety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let most if not all my decisions be based in/on/as thoughts, where a thought emerges and I immediately see no other choice than to follow it – I don’t even question the authority of the thought emerging, I automatically follow it as though it is natural specifically based on and within the relationship I have created to/towards thoughts in the belief as a decree of the living word of me that thoughts are the directive principle over and as me – as who I am, thus perceiving, experiencing and accepting that when a thought emerges it is me directing myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding that I have abdicated myself TO the thoughts, that it is the thoughts that are directing me – through my very living decree – as is evident within how it is nearly ‘impossible’ for me to do anything without a thought telling me what to do, who to be, what to experience, how to perceive and interpret the world and myself within and as it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute myself into believing – as a double lie – that I am the one directing myself, that it is me who direct myself throughout my day, when in fact I am and have allowed myself to be completely directed and controlled by thoughts, to the point where I it is nearly impossible for me to direct myself without first having allowed a thought to emerge to direct me and tell me what to do, who to be, how to experience myself and how to perceive myself within and as relation to myself and my world and my reality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question or challenge the validity, reality, value and authority of thoughts and the subsequent emotional/energetic reactions/experiences and as such the mind in its entirety and that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question who it is that have given the mind that authority, value, reality and validity and realize that it is me and only me as I within my initial decision to separate myself from myself and as such create and form relationships that became the mind that I abdicated myself to, within and as and that I don’t even remember as who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let – and as such accept and allow and there by abdicate my authority here as the directive principle of and as myself to - thoughts decide what I will do, who I will be, what I will eat and not eat, what I will enjoy or not enjoy eating or not eating or doing or how I will respond or react to my world and my reality and myself – in and as and through the relationship I have created to/with/towards thoughts where I have specifically accepted myself as less-than and inferior to thoughts as ego as representative for the mind and as such that the thoughts are more-than me and therefore have the prerogative, domain and sovereignty over me yet because I am the source and origin of the mind and the thoughts originate in/from/as/within me, I perceive/experience/believe/accept and define the thoughts as ‘me’ and as representing who and what I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that thoughts are the living word as I am the living word, as the words I live, in thought and deed is that which I live and as such accumulate into life in its entirety as all that is here collectively as the living word as who we are, as scattered into bits and pieces and therefore every time I allow myself to follow a thought, allow myself to react to a thought, participate within and as a thought, as though it is real and really who I am, I solidify myself as the living word within/as/through and abdicated to thoughts – thoughts that are deceptive in nature, because they are specifically designed based on my deliberate abdication of myself to and as a system of energy based on the fear of losing myself to/in/as my separation of and from myself and as such only accept or allow myself to direct myself according to that which sustains the mind, which specifically exists to NOT realize myself as life and thereby and therefore cannot be trusted

(To be continued)

"Denying the existence of a ghost only makes it grow bigger" - Greenlandic Proverb

I commit myself to support myself to slow down, through, within and as breath and breathing directively here, so that I can direct the thoughts that emerge and not allow myself to be swallowed by them – because that is where I direct myself to take back self-authority from the mind and lift the mind of the responsibility that I have projected onto the mind and as such abdicated myself from and to

I commit myself to support myself to stop all participation in and as thoughts – within and as the realization that allowing thoughts to direct me is allowing myself to remain separate from and of myself even though that is not even real and yet I have forced this separation in and onto the physical reality

I commit myself to support myself to take back self-responsibility from the mind, through, when and as a thought emerge, to direct myself here, in common sense, in and as the physical – within a consideration of what is best for all

I commit myself to support myself to realize that I am not in fact the mind or thoughts as the living word of and as myself, as the living word of/as who I am as the mind, is the direct manifestation of myself as the program I have programmed myself into and as in direct abdication of and separation of/from myself here in and as the physical – and is as such not who I am, as who I am is here – physical

I commit myself to discipline myself to take responsibility for all thoughts – in understanding that the thoughts are me, yet not me because they are who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into and as and therefore it is my responsibility to take responsibility for the thoughts to stop my separation of and as myself and bring myself back here so that I can birth myself as life