Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 14 May 2017, 07:43

540: How I Deal with Dis-Ease

Often times when I get a headaches I resist the experience. I want it to quickly be done with. I want to take something to get rid of the pain, I want to simply avoid the experience all together. It's like I want to hide from it, in fear of it, not willing to stand in the dis-ease of a headache. But what I've learned over the past few years is that headaches I generally create myself. When I am emotional, or reactive in some way, and my body fills with energy the after effect is like a clogging and fogginess build up, and will usually manifest in/as a headache. Or if I'm over-thinking about something - not telling myself stop and rest, but constantly consuming thoughts about something, constantly busy within my mind, I will also get a headache. Almost like the body forcing me with pain to see what I'm doing, and to get me to stop for a moment.

But instead of looking at what the reactions were, or what I'm continually mulling over in my head, and so how I participated in energy to create the dis-comfort, I want to just get rid of the pain - not allowing myself to realize the gift the pain is showing me as directly reflecting who I am as what I accept and allow within/as me - the actual effect I have on my body - what I am actually creating from who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist headaches as a fear of pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain of a headache as thinking and believing it over-powers me, and I have no control within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have no power within/as a headache instead of realizing I created it, and so I can change it

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the more I resist/fight the head ache - the worst I am making the experience

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to take responsibility for the pains in my body as the source of it's creation and realizing the body is not in pain at random - there is a cause, and I contribute to that cause

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body to the extent where I think and believe headaches and pains happen in the body at random as if the body exists as it's own entity, existing separate from me, doing it's own thing instead of realizing I am the one dwelling within/as my body, me, and thus who I am and how I live directly effects the state and condition of my body and thus again I forgive myself that I have not yet in all ways taken absolute self-responsibility for the state and condition of my body as an extension of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself as the pain of my physical body through medication instead of investigating the cause of the pain/problem, and not just treat the symptom

When and as I see myself resisting/fearing pain in/as my body, such as a headache and wanting to just take a pill to get rid of it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the responsibility I have to within/as the state and condition of my physical body being a direct reflection/outflow/extension of who I am and how I live, and is not a separate entity existing independently from me and so I commit myself to in moments of developing a headache, instead of resisting it, take it into writing if the moment is available for it - and investigate who I've been that would produce pain in the head, or elsewhere, and apply self-forgiveness for things I see I've accepted and allowed. And I also commit myself to if the moment for writing is not available, to support the physical body in the meantime, even with pills if that's necessary, but to also flag this moment to investigate later when I have the time

I commit myself to create a starting point of dealing with pain in the body to be about self-discovery and self-purification and not suppression as just making it go away with a pill

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 15 May 2017, 07:17

541: Comfort in Coffee

Not too long ago I challenged myself to 21 days of no coffee. It was a success in that I committed to the 21 days, and walked the 21 days without any coffee. And I say it was a success because it revealed deeper dimensions of the relationship I've created towards and with coffee, thus supporting me to see where I'm still existing in something separate from me - looking for something outside of me to fulfill me.

The following is self-forgiveness for a particular dimension I saw within me in my need for coffee - and that was the word comfort. The problem with defining something outside of yourself as your source of something, in this case comfort, is you are then always a slave and dependent upon that external thing to give to you that point (comfort) you are looking for. The reason for self-forgiveness, is to GIVE to yourself what you look for outside of yourself. So here, realizing comfort can be who I am - not something I must find outside of myself. And in doing so - you are free... never needing something to give to you what you are more than capable of giving to yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss drinking coffee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define drinking coffee as a comfort and thus miss the experience of being comforted when drinking coffee

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word comfort - to exist within drinking coffee, as an external action, rather than within and as who I am and so when I remove coffee from my life, I think and believe I am removing the point of comfort from my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe coffee is the only point in which I can experience comfort in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive energy charge to the word comfort and so seek it out in things I define as comforting, such as coffee

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live the word comfort as who I am and thus no longer need or require to seek it outside of myself but rather have it be an extension, and expression of who I am as a living action

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty without coffee, as a point of my comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define coffee as a positive experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what I can drink - defining coffee as the best thing, and the most comforting thing and so limit myself from trying other beverages, or even considering other beverages

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what my body would like as a beverage due to me limiting myself in what I will drink - defining coffee as the only option for me, instead of considering what options would best support my physical body

When and as I see myself missing drinking coffee, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that what I am actually missing is an energetic experience of comfort that I've separated myself from and so I commit myself to in such a moment, breathe, and bring myself back to me here, in/as my body, and find the comfort in/as my body - where I am, what's around me, the sights, the sounds, and the breathing of my body that is equal to what's around me - finding comfort in my presence, my awareness, and myself as directive principle to no longer need something outside of me to feel something, and rather ignite that within myself and thus express it as who I am - never without it

When and as I see myself limiting myself in what I drink as giving myself only coffee, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in such an application, I have not considered what my body would like, and only instead remained within a habit of what I know, and what I know I like and so I commit myself to expand myself in what I will drink - considering other options, as well as checking in with my body to see what will best support me as my body in such a moment

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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 16 May 2017, 07:14

542: Emotional vs Practical Decision Making

Recently I had a decision to make wherein the choice before me was pretty clear. I made the pros and cons list and could see one decision what practically, physically best for me, and the other was remaining the same. Despite seeing this there was a fear to make the 'better choice.' I was afraid of how my decision would impact others, assuming it would be for the worst. I was afraid of them getting upset with me because I was changing/moving on, and not staying in the same place. And if I were to allow this fear to grow and manifest as making that decision, I would have only compromised myself and others as well.

How often do we make decisions based on emotions such as fear, then what is practically best for us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by emotions when making decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, despite seeing what could be practically best for me, lean towards another direction due to an emotion of fear within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a decision that is best for me due to worrying about how others will see me/think of me, and for me perhaps putting someone else in an uncertain position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more concerned with how someone will react to my decision of making a change, than the actual change that could potentially be best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to make a decision based on emotional rather than what is physically most practical, and best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it's better for me to protect, and hide from a fear that keeps me in a comfort zone as to not have to face it/walk through it, than make a practical decision to change direction and thus creating a new environment for myself that could open up doors of opportunity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather decide on something that will allow me to avoid facing a fear, then walking through a fear to reap greater rewards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how emotions play a role in my decision making and the consequence that creates for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I've allowed emotions to play a role in my decision making

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather compromise myself then face a fear of how others might respond to me - fearing they will not respond well to any changes I make that could be good for me, within this only seeing it could be bad for them and so assume they will not be happy with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that any changes that I make within my life, and that effect others, will only be bad

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that perhaps in me doing what is best for me, I am also doing what is best for others/all

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize, and understand the interconnectedness of life, wherein who I am and what I do has an effect on those around me and so within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the more ideal outcome would be for me to act within principles of self-honesty, responsibility, and self-development where in pushing myself to face my fears, and not cower from them to just hide in a comfort zone that compromises me and limits me - thus this being an example for others, instead of living an utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that perhaps in my standing up for my own well being as what is best for me, practically, and in self-honesty, I am supporting others equally to stand up within their own self-honesty - where when I change, others have the change and thus I am taking responsibility for the impact I have in this world, as it is not only on myself - it's on those around me

When and as I see myself moving away from a decision that is most practical, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that if I am not embracing practicality of life, working directly with the physical, then I am influenced by some emotion or feeling and so I commit myself to investigate what is directing me when I'm not allowing myself to direct myself physically, practically and to remove the emotions or feelings with self-forgiveness to clear my seeing as the direction that is best for me

When and as I see myself fearing to face my fears and use this as an excuse to not make the most practical decision, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to run from my fears keeps me the same, and there is no growth in remaining within fear and so I commit myself to embrace the fears, and face them head on with the tools I have to support myself to do so - writing, self-honesty, self-responsibility, and self-forgiveness, and common sense

When and as I see myself fearing to make others unhappy through making a decision that is practically best for me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I have the tendency to assume the worst, and am influenced by the idea that me changing is bad for others and so I commit myself to live the realization that I better serve and support others when I am self-honest with myself, and directing myself and my life in ways that are practically best for me and I am supporting others to do the same

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 24 May 2017, 07:28

543: Realizations in Letting Go of a Dependency

**The most recent blogs, and ones to come are a few weeks old, as I have been writing, without publishing.


I have just completed a 21 day challenge of no coffee. I did it for myself - seeing how I had created a bit of dependency and love affair with coffee, acting as if I couldn't do without it, and so I made myself live without it, for 21 days at least.

The first few days were physically uncomfortable, though not unbearable. I did expect some discomfort, almost like letting go of a relationship you have depended on to always be there for you. That was the major point I saw in terms of who I was in relation to coffee, or rather how I defined coffee in relation to me... like a comfort, a friend, a companion I could always count on in the sense that it always tasted good, gave me a nice feeling, and so I trusted it. Though, there is a problem when we create such a relationship towards something like that externally from ourselves - it, as I mentioned, can create a dependency. Of course - you can see that something such as coffee, or anything really, as something trustworthy, or comforting, but it really boils down to who you are within it. For me - I 'needed' it, or at least I thought I did.

So I had to walk through letting go of that relationship - that comfort, and bring that word back to myself in terms of seeing how and where, and when I could live comfort for/as myself, and not needing it to exist in something outside of myself to give me that sense of comfort. When it's external, it's just an experience, it's not real in fact. The only thing we can really count on is ourselves, and if we are living comfort, as who we are, in what we do, and how we express, comfort is always with us, because it's who we are.

So that was a cool point.

Another aspect I found interesting was I walked the 21 days, and after the first 3 days, there was not much a challenge anymore. While I would have liked to have coffee, I was okay to be without it. It was nothing I anticipated, or expected, like I foresaw it as being this hard, troublesome experience I would really have to push through, and fight in a way, to not drink coffee.

But I did it, and I was fine. I was stable. It was no thing to say no, not now, not yet. I will go without it. And so I found that I had the expectation that is was going to be this long, arduous journey when in fact, I made a decision, and I walked that decision. Simple as that. It made me think of how much we create the ideas in our minds of not being able to give something up, or to live without something, or to change something about ourselves... that it would be the worst thing EVER and so we avoid stopping, or changing simply because we want to avoid the experience we fear. But it's a fear, and fears are made to be walked through.

Are you wanting to change something, start something new, stop a bad habit, or practice a new discipline but you FEAR the experience of stepping outside of your comfort zone? Well may I suggest to stop feeding the fears as if they are valid, and consider you wont know actually how it will go until you physically do it. May not be as bad as you think. And then - you have the reward of challenging yourself.

Challenges don't have to be hard, or difficult, or uncomfortable. They are simple a dare to ourselves to expand, change, and step out of a limited version of ourselves. And you know - challenges may be hard, you may in fact face the most difficult, uncomfortable experience of your life in changing/stopping a habit... but at least you will start facing the truth of yourself, and the dependency you've created on something other than you. That alone is worth taking a look at.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 30 May 2017, 06:56

544: Decade with Desteni - Transcending Laziness

Looking back on the years of self-writing, and blogging, I see a particular pattern wherein I am reflecting a lot on resistances I experience within my day to day living. I am still working with, and walking through a pattern of laziness, or not wanting to do this or that, and wanting to instead just entertain myself, have fun, or relax. And I wondered if this is something others relate to, or if it's kind of 'out there' in terms of it being unusual to hear about someone resisting simply LIVING and moving, and walking through their day, getting things done.

Then I look at some people in my family, like my mother, and my aunt, or a long-time family friend who are very self-motivated to do what needs to be done in a day - like cleaning the house, or doing little projects here and there - always moving themselves physically. These were the examples I had growing up, yet for me - I felt very much the opposite in what I saw in them. I didn't want to do it - I didn't want to do anything. I would do what I absolutely had to - but anything more, nah. That was my motto.

This is what I've been walking these past 7 years - reflecting on who I am throughout my day, questioning my nature, asking why do I do what I do, and why don't I do what I don't. What motivates me, drives me, influences me? How do I make the decisions I make? This I never did much of before coming across Desteni.

Desteni is celebrating a Decade since first 'going live' online - and I will tell you, how grateful I am for the life-line I found in them.

Before Desteni - I never questioned my behavior. I simply accepted it, even if it was shitty. I may have struggled with it, and created consequences for myself, but I never dreamed of the practical changes that one could make, that I found through the support of Desteni. I never considered in seeing behavior or thoughts of myself that I wanted to change - that there was an actual step by step way to physically, practically do it... that it wasn't based on an idea, but about real change.

I am more pro-active in my life now then I ever was, and I know that is because of walking this Desteni Process. Applying self-honesty, and self-forgiveness, letting go of the past, the good, and the bad - embracing the present. Stopping fears, and resistances, questioning myself and pushing myself to live a potential I can see within me, but that I never knew before how to nurture. That is because of Desteni supporting me to realize I am the only thing standing in my way to realizing what this life is about - and what is actually possibly in this Life. Without Desteni, I may have never realized I could make such a Decision to take control of my life, to be different, to change.

So one point here I can share about myself that I have Desteni to thank as a point of support is this point of being lazy, and not wanting to do what I would define as 'hard work'. I learned there is such a thing as living without emotional experiences, where you simply DO what is necessary to be DONE. That our internal experiences should not come before what is in our physical reality - and what is required of us HERE. That we have a responsibility to not only ourselves, but to others as well, and our environment and EVERYTHING that exists HERE. And in the past Decade with Desteni - Many have realized their responsibility, their potential, and their ability to respond in ways that are best for all. And i'm grateful everyday to have those living examples, and to dare myself to live a new example.

I have seen first have what is possible within walking this process - the potential existent within a human being, and we have only begun.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 03 Jun 2017, 07:03

545: The New Girl, The Nuisance

I recently started a new job so I'm in a new environment with new people, learning new tasks and responsibilities. And immediately what I saw within the first few days of starting was this growing fear of being a nuisance and in the way of others - being a bother to them, because I don't know the system of the job, as I'm still learning it, and so I in a way see myself as 'fucking up the flow' of the office.... And I realize here it's not actually about how others see/experience me. It's absolutely about how I see/experience myself and I have for a long time seen myself as a bother, or being in the way, or a nuisance to others.

Well no more. I am grateful to see this experience first hand in this new environment as I can better look, dissect, and dismantle the hold of fear has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting in people's way at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bother to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I'm walking in another person's world, and it's my duty to 'stay out of their way' as to not create myself as being a nuisance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I'm a bother to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care so much about how others feel or experience themselves in relation to me, I will do anything to stay out of their way so as to avoid being seen as a bother, or in the way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of caution and tension within myself when around those I think I might bother, or get in their way, and do my best to move from their environment as quickly as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not knowing something or just starting to learn something new is a recipe for getting in someone's way, as in having to ask questions, and asking for clarifications - feeling as this is annoying to others instead of realizing it's a process to learn, and how other's respond should not be of any concern to me, but rather who I am in this new learning process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being in other's way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as holding others back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a nuisance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about how others see me, then how I experience myself in relation to others as my point of power and control

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to, rather then wasting my time and energy on avoiding others getting upset with me for simply learning something new, focus more on who I am in this learning process, and who I am with the new people in my environment - as the point in which I am responsible for - ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within fear of what others might think of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get in my own way of self-development as acting out fear of others thinking I get in their way, and so hesitate to fully embrace asking questions, and clarifying things that will as such support me to become more efficient in our mutual working environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as the boss, and I am to be weaker, and smaller, and keep my distance as the apparent place I belong

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to utilize the potential within/as me without fear getting in my way from asking questions, learning, growing, developing, and ensuring I know what I'm doing so as to create the most effective environment for all involved

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize my priority is to learn the tasks given to me, and the responsibility given to me, and instead place more attention and value on how others may respond to me in this new learning process

When and as I see myself fearing getting in the way of others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my fear is probably more irrational than I want to believe, and that others do not in fact see me as a in their way, and are probably more understanding and embracing of me in the new environment than I THINK they are and so I commit myself to see myself as how I see others in being in a new environment - with understanding and patience within realizing there is a process of learning involved and so I commit myself to gift this to myself - the understanding and patience to learn and not immediately define myself as being in the way

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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 06 Jun 2017, 07:32

546: My Process to Living Passion and Purpose


I recently listened to an Eqafe audio recording regarding the point of Purpose, and Meaning in one's life - and for me it was an awesomely supportive recording because I have walked quite a process, a lifetime with this exact point, and it was only in this past year where I started to find some stability, understanding, and the ability to let go within it.

Let me explain a bit more.

I grew up with spiritual and religious teachings and as those that have as well, know there is something about one's meaning and purpose in life... in that, there is meaning and purpose. There is a reason... there is a plan... there is a direction... there is ONE way one must go to fulfill one's life purpose.

Or at least that is what I thought, and that idea existed within my mind for so long until eventually it started created consequences in my life.

Let me again explain a bit more.

Growing up I believed there was something specific I was here to do. Here meaning in this life. And while I didn't know what that thing was, I knew I would eventually find it. And there was a time in my life where I believed I did find it, and I pursued it, and I gave it go, but ultimately it didn't work out, and I went into a new direction. So that apparently was not my purpose.

In my mid twenties I had come across some amazing material online that is the basis of why I write blogs to this day. Material that revealed secrets of the human mind, secrets of the universe, of life after death, understandings of the problems we face within humanity, tools that I could apply daily as practical ways in which to get to know myself, to change, to actually grow and develop a potential within me that I always could see but never understood how to live it.

That was Desteni - and when I came across Desteni I for awhile thought this was my purpose. This process... self-responsibility, self-honesty, self-forgiveness... stopping my mind and grounding myself into this life, this body, this physical reality - that is where I was needed to help not only myself, but this whole world. And so I busied myself with that for years.... sharing my process as I went, which you can see in the past blogs and vlogs the journey that has been walked.

Then... that only lasted for so long in terms of me using again something outside of me to determine my purpose. Desteni was my purpose. My process was my purpose. Something external from me, as who I am, was my purpose... but of course that couldn't last. I soon began to experience the same old questions I had experienced consistently throughout my life... what is my purpose? What is my point? What am I supposed to be doing in this life? What did I come here to do?

And even well equipped with the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility, common sense, practicality, living my utmost potential... I still felt a loss, lost in my QUEST for my purpose.

I saw so many people around me who seemed to have a passion for something... an interest, something that kept their attention, and kept them engaged in a particular area of this world. And when I looked at them, I saw that it didn't exist within me and so I wondered... why did others seem to have their purpose and I didn't?

I then began to compare, and blame, and become resentful, and angry and desperate even... why couldn't someone just TELL ME what my Purpose is!? Someone or something guide me, show me the way, where am I suppose to go, what am I suppose to do? What is my purpose? What is my point?

And then I thought about it. And thought about it, and thought, 'why don't I have a purpose?' And felt sad, and depressed, and slowly fell into this abyss of self-pity and sorrow that everyone else around me seemed to have something specific to give meaning to their life... but I didn't.

I didn't want to get up in the mornings. I wanted to sleep all day. It was a struggle to so the most basic of tasks, feeling like there was no life within me... I had no motivation for anything. And so I just floated through my days for a few months like this. Lost, wandering, and essentially giving up.

And then I slowly but surely started listening to this voice that had been silently screaming at me this whole time. I'm not going to find my purpose in a job or career. I'm not going to find my purpose in a partner or relationship. I am not going to find my purpose in a field of study, or in where I live, or in WHAT I DO. What I do has NOTHING to do with what is my real purpose - the real meaning to my life.

I could hear myself saying and I could see myself seeing that I would NEVER understand purpose and how to live it and create it, until I PERFECTED WHO I AM here... now... within what I currently have as my responsibilities, as my life.

Let me explain a bit here...

I have a lot of responsibilities I have taken on, projects I participate with, communities I engage with, work I do because I see I can, and it supports a whole lot of people beyond myself. Yet within those responsibilities, and projects, and activities I could see WHO I WAS was NOT perfect. I was resistant, and distant, and neglectful. I didn't want to fully participate, really give it my all... I just did the bare minimum... what I could to get it done without any red flags going up to others, or myself even. I could easily justify the idea that I didn't have a purpose and it was in a way wrong because look here, I do so much... when is it my turn to have a passion and an interest? When can I stop busying myself with this other stuff, and get to the good stuff, like my purpose?

And so I started to slow myself down. I started to listening and HEARING myself when I was saying and seeing that my purpose is to live passion, and I would never find passion outside of myself because it doesn't exist. I have to create passion and purpose within me. I have to create passion and purpose within me.

That statement alone was astounding to me, yet simple and clear. I have to create passion and purpose within me. If I want to live passionately and with purpose... I have to create passion and purpose within me.

And so I started to change. I started to live passion and purpose in my days. I started to work through the resistances I was facing towards my current reality, my current responsibilities, and tasks, and projects. I started to apply self-supportive tools daily such as writing, self-forgiveness, blogging... I started pushing myself to be more engaging, to participate more in the communities I'm involved with, to stop being so distance. I started letting go of the comparisons, the fears, and the desires and the need to be directed. I started opening myself up to new things... trying out new activities. I started a 30 day blogging challenge. I started studying spanish. I started going to the gym and taking zumba classes. I started spending a couple hours once a week with people in my area who want to learn to speak english. I started to explore the potential of the environment I have around me... making me focus about ME as WHO I AM in my day to day living.

That became my purpose. And in that I created passion. I was able to let go of the depression, waking up with a purpose each day - wanting to get up in the mornings... wanting to get into my day. I started creating the resolve within me to move through difficult things I face - certain experiences I would otherwise give into. I started to push myself through things I became stagnant in... I stopped giving myself excuses, and started walking the process of perfecting myself within who I am in ALL that I do... and that meant in the most insignificant moments of my day... that is where WHO I AM matters the most.

So long story long, this interview I listened to on Eqafe, "Purpose has Left the Building", was a cross reference for me. It described to a T the experience and process I had to walk through, especially in the past year, and the point one must get oneself to to release oneself from the burden of the belief that a purpose is something you must find, and seek outside of yourself.

I was saying "Yes!" the whole interview because it in fact validated what I could see and had already seen for myself... and in that, supported me in my starting point of creating purpose - to stay the course. That ultimately, absolutely, in all ways the purpose of this life exists in each one of us. Self-care, self-love, self-worth, self-trust... these are things only we can create in ourselves and that is the true purpose of our life. To see and realize and understand that who we are matters. How we live reflects who we are. That who we are in the matters at hand matters. That who we are determines what we do and what we do matters.

I matter. You matter. We matter. Our lives matter. And in matter... in walking out of the mind and into matter that is our physical body... that is of this earth that is made up of matter... there is a potential. There is a life potential we have yet to create in this world, but that is ready to emerge. But we must usher it in. Each one, in their own lives, in the smallest of moments... it matters. What you think, say and do matters. Who you are is in each atom of matte, each moment of matter and that is what creates our world.

Time to create a Life and a World that Matters.

I Encourage anyone to listen to the interview mentioned in this blog, which you can find HERE. Or simply check out Eqafe.com and get ready for your life to change.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 12 Jun 2017, 07:02

547: When You Blame Others for your own Self-Definitions

This is a follow up to the previous blog as it relates to the new work environment, the new people in my environment, and the experiences that thus comes up from it. Following the nuisance idea of me, came the feeling inferior, and inadequate, and that others were impatient with me and within that - blame towards them for having such feelings towards me, when all the while the feelings exist within ME and so I am alone responsible for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as though they are being impatient with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as if they are seeing me as dumb

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as if they are making me inferior to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards another when I feel as if they are assuming I am inadequate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I react toward another, as if they are doing something to me, or making me feel any particular way, that it is not in fact them, but it is me as what I accept and allow within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inadequate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needing someone to be patient with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid those people who trigger the experiences within me of feeling dumb, inadequate, and inferior and to blame them for not being patient with me instead of realizing the gift they are as they SHOW ME who I am accepting and allowing of myself, which is a lesser version of myself as one who is inferior, inadequate, and dumb

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid those I feel inferior towards or that I think judge me as being inadequate because I feel powerless in their presence, powerless in my experience, and powerless in how they react/respond/perceive me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others the power to influence me as who I am and so how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in allowing and accepting myself as inferior, inadequate, and dumb, I am creating that as my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own creation that is ME - as who I am and thus how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the power I have in how I experience myself as it is determined by WHO I AM and who I am is determined by what I accept and allow within/as me/myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the potential of my power as the ability to be directive principle of/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the power I have as in deciding, and determining who I am and so how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to others in how I THINK they perceive/respond, and react to me instead of realizing it DOESN'T MATTER as I have no power over others, only of/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the delusion it is to blame another for how I experience myself as that is me trying to give to another the power over me, when in reality NO ONE has power over another, only ever and in always of themselves

When and as I see myself blaming or reacting to others as seeing them as judging me as inadequate, stupid, or becoming impatient with me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I first defined myself as inadequate, inferior, and stupid and what i see in others seeing in me, is only a mirror reflection of how I see me, and so I commit myself to stop projecting my own self-definitions unto others, stop blaming them for what I think they perceive as me, and instead take self-responsibility for my own acceptances and allowances

I commit myself to let go of the self-definitions that are of only a lesser version of me - that keep me inferior, and inadequate in relation to others, and to source out the time in my life where I first decided this was so as to no longer accept and allow such an idea/definition of myself.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 15 Jun 2017, 07:33

548: It's not Personal, it's Process

This is again in relation to the new work environment and relationships I have been recently writing about. I noticed particularly strong reactions towards one specific co-worker in the new environment, and after a few days of this strong reaction/experience in relation to them, I started to see 'them' as having something wrong with them... like something 'wasn't right' about them; they couldn't be trusted. It was like I saw them as a problem and who they are as a problem like they were shady in a way and thus THAT'S WHY I experienced myself so conflicted in relation to them.

So they essentially acted as a trigger, which conjured up all these reactions, judgments, self-doubts, worries up within me, and yet I saw them as causing it. Not at all stopping, slowing down, and realizing IT'S WITHIN ME. And so I made it personal... personalizing the trigger as something more than simply my mirror - me seeing directly into me, and so having nothing, in fact, to do with this other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the person who triggers points within me - to make it personal as if they are the one responsible for my experience towards/in relation to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when a person responds to me in a certain way that I define as negative/rude/inconsiderate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view someone who triggers experiences within me as responsible for my inner/internal experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want M (the trigger) to change so that I no longer experience what I do within myself that was triggered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view another person as something shady about them - when really all I've done is make it personal what I experience within myself in relation to them which they had nothing to do with at all - they were simply the mirror in which I could see more of me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see those that act as trigger points for me as gifts - supporting me to see more of me and supporting me develop my self-intimacy and self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another person for triggering experiences within me instead of realizing they exist within ME and no one else and so is completely and absolutely my responsibility and mine alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become cautious and resistant to those that act as triggers for me - wanting to avoid the experiences I have within me that are triggered by those people around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame another person for triggering the experiences within me because I don't want to fully take responsibility for my internal reality - that which only I accept and allow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see another in a negative way simply because they acted as a trigger for me as something negative I experienced towards them - making it personal instead of realizing the specifics of this process that each of us are walking and that nothing is personal and once I make it personal, I am allowing ego to get in the way and thus limiting my ability to develop self-honesty, and self-responsibility, and seeing the equality and oneness within/as all

When and as I see myself taking someone who acts as a trigger personally - as if they are deliberately doing something TO ME and are responsible for my experience in relation to them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the gift each person in my life is a direct mirror for me to see into me - and within that, the gift of self-intimacy, and self-honesty. And so I commit myself to not take someone personal who triggers reactions within me, and rather practice seeing what it is I need to see, through them, and my process of self-honesty and self-responsibility.

I commit myself to stop any/all thoughts that blame a person in my reality for 'triggering' an experience within me realizing that it's IN ME, not them putting it into me and so I am solely responsible

I commit myself to not taking this process personally - my mind, other people, my circumstances, anything realizing that it's not personal, it's process and this process is about purging the darkness within each one to come face to face with who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become and thus I commit myself to walk objectively through my process - seeing what I can learn, what works and what doesn't, what is best for all, and what isn't - UNDERSTANDING why things/people/life exists the way it does to better UNDERSTAND the solutions

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 19 Jun 2017, 08:03

549: Unlock Yourself - Inspired by Eqafe.com

Imagine someone standing in front of you. They are asking for help. They want you to do something for them, to help get them free.

On their right wrist, there is a handcuff, bound tightly around it.

Extended from the handcuff is the metal chain making its way to their right, to the matching handcuff, wrapped around a metal pole. It is forever secure; unbreakable. There is no freeing them without the key.

The person looks at you, pleading with you, begging you to help them. To save them. To do something to free them. Because to them, you are their saving grace. Without you, they will never be free.

As you look into their eyes you see the deep, hidden pain and helplessness, the belief they are forever locked up. You see their urge to break free, to stand as a life fulfilled, they see the hope, their only chance, within you...

You start to glance down toward their left hand. Slowing taking notice of their free shoulder, their free arm, their free wrist, their free hand...

Gripped within their fingers is the key to set them free.


This was the image that formed within my mind after listening to a recording from Eqafe, "Holding Back and Imprisoning Myself - Life Review". The recording was a Life Review - a being sharing their experience from a life on Earth and what they could see was lived out, what they could have changed, and what they can share and the valuable lessons for each one still here.

We are our own saving grace. We are the ones with the key. We are holding ourselves back. We are waiting on ourselves. We can unlock ourselves.

As I finished this recording I could see this image within my mind, that I wanted to share. I asked my partner in a joking tone, who is an artist, to 'whip me up this picture' quick. lol - he didn't have the time for how or when I wanted it done and obviously neither of us took me seriously. And so instead of depending on him to express this image I wanted to express, I decided to use one of the mediums I know how to express with - the written word.

So I sat down, with only the image in my mind, and wrote the above. It was without preparation, simply 'here' as what I wanted to express. And what I found was actually some cool points I had to walk through, similar to what I just listened to in the recording this image was inspired by.

Dependency, suppressing ourselves, holding ourselves back, waiting for something, needing something external to move...

Instead of being dependent on my 'artist husband', I created the image myself. Instead of suppressing myself, as I had judgments of the writing, thinking it was 'lame' or 'not good enough', but sharing it anyway and not suppressing it/me. Not holding myself back as the point to share this image/writings was here and so to act on it. Not waiting for my husband to be the creator of art - to create something myself. Not needing something external to tell me it's okay - to go for it, that it's good enough.

So the process I just walked in the last 30 min was a direct experience of what I heard in the recording.

And that is the magic of Eqafe. And the magic of self - the magic of this process.

What we can create in matter goes beyond a simple piece of art, or words. We create simply by who we are, and in that awareness, taking that responsibility, we can create something worthwhile.

I invite you all to listen to this recording, to hear for yourself the gift of a life lived and realized.

We have the key. There is nothing or no one outside of us that is needed for us to realize our potential - our expressing within/as life. We have chained ourselves so we can change ourselves. We just have to use the key already within our own hands...


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