Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

490: Tell-A-Vision and Move-Mes - 30 Days of Blogging - Day 24

I've identified a couple dimensions within myself as 'who I am' within watching television and movies, as shared in yesterday's blog, and so the following is the self-forgiveness as the taking responsibility for the who I am within watching television and movies for the first dimension - which is using movies and televisions to get my energy fix, and to tune out while I tune in to a show. To me this is not a healthy relationship as I am living the statement that I must 'tune out' of my life, instead of staying actively engaged within it, and also is using it as a source to generate emotions and feelings as energetic experience, thus fueling the addiction to energy. If you are reading along, read the following out loud:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as the starting point for watching television and movies to be strictly about entertaining myself with energy as emotional and feeling experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to watch television without self-awareness, wherein I tune out as I tune it to what the tele is showing me as a vision to create an energetic experience from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow down when watching television and notice myself generating emotions and feelings within me wherein I want to chase the experience as following a love story, wanting to create within me that which I see projected from the screen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use watching television constructively through being self-aware of any reactions I have while watching a show, investigating where the reaction is coming from, and even how each character or story line reveals a story within me as that which I'm accepting and allowing myself to live out as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch as many episodes as I can when I activate an energetic feeling within me that I want to continue to nourish, by going to the next episode looking to fulfill that energy such as seeing a couple getting together, or a certain outcome happen that I anticipate within me, or expect to as the desire to fulfill the energy within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that television and movies are simply for my entertainment, wherein I can escape from myself, and my responsibility to who I am, and the relationships I've created within me towards myself, others and the world around me - within realizing that televisions and movies can reveal parts of myself I'm not yet aware of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility within who I am while watching television and movies such as when I watch something and allow myself to go on an energetic ride of emotions and feelings, exactly as being portrayed in the show or movie instead of being aware, and breathing while watching to ensure I do not get swept up into the experiences of it, and rather see objectively how I can bring it back to myself, that which I'm seeing, and how I respond to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an addiction to watching television and movies as the need for energy as emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by television and movies as the emotional and feeling experiences being portrayed on the screen, and accept that within myself, instead of being self-movement wherein I don't just follow what's being showed to me, but rather move myself, breath by breath, through breathing and being aware of who I am while watching television and movies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge movies and television as a waste of time, instead of realizing it's about WHO I AM within watching television and movies - wherein the reasons I watch reveal the nature of myself, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time while watching television and movies and not observe objectively, within self-awareness, that which I'm seeing as it relates to me, and who I am within/as this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look deeper within the movies and television as seeing deeper dimensions that are existent that reveal so much about myself, and human nature - in this, not digging deeper within/as myself as in seeing my own nature, and thus humanity's nature

When and as I see myself watching television and movies within/as the starting point of wanting to 'check out' of my reality, and so of myself - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the nature of myself within such a starting point only creates a waste of time for myself, and a dishonesty as I'm wanting to 'get away' from my life/responsibilities, instead of remaining constant within who I am, as the responsibility I have to who I am in EVERY moment of breath. And so I commit myself to stop myself when I see I am moving from/as the starting point of wanting to escape within movies and televisions, and align it into a more constructive, self-support activity wherein I practice self-awareness, and self-reflection throughout what I'm watching. I commit myself as well to question what it is I am wanting to specifically escape from, and correct those points within me so that I'm not living the word escape, and instead embracing any challenges, or resistances that are in my life

When and as I see myself getting caught up in the emotions and feelings of the television shows or movies I'm watching, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that currently television and movies exist to keep people busy, and content within their lives, and does not support anyone to become more active and engaging withing their own self-reflection as who they are. And so I commit myself to not simply accept what I see as tel-a-vision and move-mes as following along to what the emotions and feelings as energetic experience portray on the screen for me to experience, and rather question it - reflect on what I can see within me and within humanity that is revealed within what I'm watching. I commit myself to become more objective when watching television and not a slave to what I'm seeing.

When and as I see myself wanting to watch more and more television to capture the experience I'm after as the emotional and feeling roller coast of the shows, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my addiction to energy is manifested in my relationship to watching television and movies, and so I commit myself to slow myself and to dis-engage when I see myself chasing that energy. I see, realize, and understand that energy just creates an experience that doesn't last, and so isn't real and so instead of fooling myself I commit myself to remain constant within who I am, stable, and here - actively observing myself, and the show to use as a point of self-support to continue expanding in my process of change

I commit myself to use watching television and movies to my benefit as in getting to know more about myself

I commit myself to practice breathing while watching television and movies to practice self-awareness while watching
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

491: Fear or Principles - How do You Vote? 30 Days of Blogging - day 25


Today in the US, as everyone knows, is the Presidential elections. I just so happen to be visiting my home state during this time (wink wink), so I was able to partake in the festivities. However I did not vote for a president. I voted for principles.

The two party system has been for a long time 'the norm' in the US, and for as long as I've been able to vote, the 'lesser of two evils' was the way to go; the consensus for people my age. At one point in the last 8 years I wasn't even going to vote because I thought it didn't matter anyway... thinking the system is rigged and the choice was already made, I almost opted out of an election. But in the end, I used my one vote, and did vote the lesser of two evils, and have done that every election... until now.

This year I realized that I could not stand by such a choice. I didn't want to vote for someone because it was a vote against another person. I would not vote for one because I disliked the other one. I could not stand to vote in fear. I could not vote for the two parties because they do not align to my principles. And I realized there are candidates that do.

What matters to me is the health of this planet, and the people within it. The well being of our society, and the environment with live in. The potential for people to live in dignity, and not be suppressed by debt. I care about education, and people's ability to support themselves. I do NOT support war in ANY WAY whatsoever, it is NEVER justified.

Lo and behold there was a candidate with these same values. She wanted to defund the military as our budget for it is absolutely absurd and just reveals our inflated sense of self, the facade we must put up in the name of our fear. If we took even a fraction of that budget, we could provide healthcare for all, education for all, and support in things that benefit people, not kills them in the name of profit.

She wanted to forgive the student loans that currently cripples the young people of this country. That in itself is an economic stimulus... free people of their debt bondage and they have the funds to spend in our economy, rather than majority of their funds going back to paying their student loans.

She wanted to invest in renewable, sustainable energy, which not only creates jobs, it supports the very fabric of what our existence depends on... this earth. The earth provides for us all the energy we need, free and clear, and yet we resource old, stored, finite energy to fuel our society that creates damaging effects to not only ourselves but our home that provides us with our foundational livelihood, Earth.

These are things that matter to me. And these are things a presidential nominee were bringing to the table to be our focus. Yet I realize America is still bound to two parties... majority being unaware of the real choice we have.

Currently we are fed fear to keep us compliant... "voting for a third party is voting for republicans." or "it's a wasted vote." I realize that my vote today would not elect my candidate into the presidential position, but I am one more person voting within principles, and not fear, and eventually enough will do so to get the momentum needed for the parties outside of the major two to be seen and heard.

Today I voted for opening up the elections to more than just the two main parties. I voted for the greater good. I voted for what matters. I voted for those that are not yet aware of the power we do actually have. There is another way... there is always another way. When there is a will. And once enough people have had enough of our political system, and politicians that speak empty words, it will change. There are not just problems, there are solutions to our problems, and we don't have to align ourselves to accepting the problem as it is, and move according to it to get the lesser of the worst result... we can work together for what is best for all.

So I did not vote for a president today, I voted for principles that matter to me, and matter to everyone because they are, matter of fact, what effect most people in this world.

And as I write this blog, the election is turning into Donald's favor. Do not fear. Fear is what elected him. And fear is what didn't elect Hillary. Fear creates fear. But one man cannot do the damage your fear thinks he can alone. It takes many, in agreement, to create change, for better or for worse, and he does have a lot of people to work with for the next 4 years.

My vote was not wasted, as I voted within and for principles that I can stand by, and I will continue to stand by.
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

492: Hate and Blame Doesn't Trump Hate and Blame - 30 days of Blogging - Day 26

The day after the election, and I'm seeing quite the response from people on my social media sites. Mostly hate towards those that voted a certain way - fear and anxiety, and blame. To me, it's the same attitude being expressed projected towards those that project the same thing, that are the target of those now in turmoil over this election. People are upset for hating others, and blaming them for voting for that reason. And now people are hating those that hate others. Hate is hate, and it can never be justified. Blame doesn't change people's minds. Anger doesn't change people's minds. Hate doesn't change people's minds. People are who they are, and the ONLY person YOU are responsible for and CAN change is yourself.. and that is what you must question and focus on. Stop projecting your blame, disgust, and hate towards others for how they voted... Can you LIVE and FACE who you are in ALL thoughts, words, and deeds? So the following is some self-forgiveness for us to begin healing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within negative emotion towards people I define as racist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within negative emotion towards people I define as ignorant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within negative emotion towards people I define as close minded

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within negative emotion towards people I define as bigots

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as racists, ignorant, close minded, and bigots - defining them within such a small definition of who they really are, and essentially doing unto them what I perceive them doing unto others for which I then define them racist, ignorant, close minded and bigots.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate those that are racists, close minded, ignorant and bigots as how I define them... existing in such a way that what I see they do unto others is the reason I use to hate them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am justified to have hate as part of who I am, and others are not if they do not align to what I believe is true, and right

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to have hate existing within me towards anyone, whether it be towards someone who hates another's skin color, or towards those that are racist, it is within/as the same nature... allowing hate to exist within/as me and projected towards another person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that some hate towards people is better than another instead of realizing that hate is hate, discrimination is discrimination, and until we rid all of that which separates people, we will never have peace

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those that I hate as the source, cause, reason for my frustration and anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that some people are more valuable than others, seeing differences in people instead of commonalities and that which makes us equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame people outside of myself for my reasons of not progressing... of going backwards instead of forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people I see as racist, ignorant, bigoted, and close minded as less valuable than me - to judge them according to who they judge, doing unto them what I dislike they do unto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my hate towards people who I think are close minded, ignorant, bigots, and racist is going to stop them from hating people because of their skin color, or religions, or place of birth instead of realizing that two wrongs don't make a right, and that my responsibility is to be an example of unconditional forgiveness... forgiving those that I see exist in hate towards their fellow man as they know not yet what they do. And so instead of perpetuating the hate, exemplify forgiveness, understanding, patience, and the discipline within myself to ensure I live that which I would like to see in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate hate and conflict through hating and existing in conflict in relation to those I define as wrong, and not right, and not seeing what is best for everyone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand rather WHY people hate, and WHY people perpetuate hate towards those that hate, as if that is the way to peace. That is like going to war to stop war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people are stupid, and to separate myself from those that I define as less than me as per how they perceive and treat others instead of stopping the separation within myself by not seeing those that hate as different then me, only without the proper education and understanding to see solutions to our problems, and not blame each other for them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame people different from me as the reason the world is the way it is instead of realizing that the nature of this world is created through the nature of the collective - each individual making up the whole, and so before I can throw the stone, I must ensure there is NOTHING of this world existing within me that I see is not best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that rather than going into conflict towards those I define as hateful, and ignorant I can go into understanding wherein I investigate WHY people are the way they are, why they form the judgments and opinions they do, and how I can support others to lift the veil on the division we allow within our minds

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that until I remove all hate, ignorance, racism, and bigotry from within/as me, as small or large as it is, this world will never get rid of it, realizing each one must take responsibility for this world, and to stand up and live an example of what it takes to forgive, let go, and create something new - something that is best for all

When and as I see myself reacting within negative emotions towards those I see as ignorant, bigoted, close minded, or racist, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that these negative emotions indicate something within myself, and not those that I define as I do. I commit myself to not project my own frustrations, and anger unto those that I define as close minded, and instead rather consider understanding why people exist the way they do.

When and as I see myself hating those that I see hating others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my hate is no more justified than theirs, and that for me to allow hate to exist within me, I too allow hate to exist within another. And so I commit myself to realizing the responsibility I have within stopping hate in this world... by first stopping it within myself.

When and as I see myself blaming others who hate others who are different from them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that blame does not create solutions, it only perpetuates the problem wherein people blame others for how they experience themselves, or for why the world exists the way it does. I commit myself to taking responsibility for not only myself, but for the world around me as I see, realize, and understand that that is what it will take for this world to change... is for people willing to stop, step up, and live an example of forgiveness, and understanding, and showing another way to be.

I commit myself to stop hate within me

I commit myself to stop close mindedness within me

I commit myself to stop bigotry within me

I commit myself to stop racism within me

I commit myself to stop the division within people within me

I commit myself to take responsibility for all natures in this world that are not best for all, as I see, realize, and understand that if they exist 'out there' in the world, they exist 'in here' as who I am, to some degree or another, as big or as small

I commit myself to humble myself and understand why people think and feel the way they do about others, to show compassion and consideration, to respect and honor EVERYONE whether I agree with them or not as that is what I actually want from others... I want others to respect and honor each other as equal, as they would have done to themselves, as I would have done unto me.

I commit myself to live the principle of love thy neighbor as thy self

I commit myself to be unconditional in my forgiveness ,and not only to those I think are deserving
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

493: A Breakthrough - 30 Days of Blogging - Day 27

I arrived home last night after my ten day vacation with family. It was a fulfilling trip in that I spent most of the time with family, and friends, which was the purpose of course.

One thing I was looking forward to was feedback for myself.. to see who I was/am with family. Family has been proven to be one of the most difficult triggers for me when it comes to facing myself/my mind/my reactions. And of course it would - family is closest to what we are, as our nature, so to come face to face with that can be challenging as you are face to face with who you really are, yet to be self-honest about what you see, and take responsibility for that can be hard. Often what is normal is just the conflict within family... the fights, or irritation, or annoyances, and frustrations. We often brush off the behavior of our family, and accept it the way it is, because our family is us, and what we accept and allow within ourselves, we accept and allow within another.

For me though this trip was a point of reflection. Last time I was there in the spring, I noticed a lot of conflict within myself in relation to my family, and I didn't feel as effective in directing myself within those conflicts. Though this time around I noticed much more stability within myself... much more awareness of my reactions that did come up, and a lot more patience. I even noticed moments of correction in real time, where rather than jumping into a reaction towards someone, slowing down, breathing and keeping that my focus. Within such an application I was able to change the direction of how I was speaking and interacting with others.

I noticed each family member represented different reactions for me - mirroring different facets of my own mind, and behavior that I can better understand, and change. With family, I have noticed that often it's harder to give specific words to what I experience, like they are undefined. To me this represents deeper, layered programming that have been existing since I was a child. Which makes sense because we are surrounded by family growing up, that is the one point that is most influential in our development, and shaping of the way we live and interact with our world. And if we develop certain traits before we've established vocabulary for ourselves, defining what our experiences are (from the beginning of our life) can be difficult.

One day in particular I noticed an experience while hanging out with a specific family member. It was constant the whole time, and it was different than the other days where I had not spent time with this family member. So I could see a change within me. It was subtle, but obvious - a constant state of being that, once I no longer was with this person, completely vanished.

Grateful for the two hour car ride home from the airport, as my partner and I were able to discuss many things. As I was telling him about my experiences, and this one specifically mentioned above, I came to see more words to define the experience I had with this person. And what I could see, and what I realized was such a breakthrough.

For all my life I have experienced this point of inferiority, not being good enough, something is wrong with me type of experience. It would be more extreme in some cases than others, but generally I would say there was this deep rooted experience of being less then/inferior/diminished/weakling. And while I was speaking to my partner about this particular experience during that day with my family member, I realized that was exactly how I experienced myself when I was with them.

Always cautious, nervous, not wanting to say or do the wrong thing. Always feeling judged, and invalidated, and diminished. Always feeling like I'm never good enough, or can never do anything right, and feeling inferior for my perspective and how I think. Then I realized this is how I experienced myself around my family member since I was a child... majority of my memories of them or being with them when I was little of was them telling me I wasn't doing something right, or that I needed to improve something; always being questioned about who I am, or how I look, or what I say as if saying that who I was, what I look like, or what I say wasn't good enough, or something was wrong with it.

What I find most interesting about this is for majority of my life where I've been discovering different parts of myself, my nature, my mind... and working on changing, I never felt any progress with this particular experience of inferiority/not good enough/something wrong with me. I had worked with it many times throughout the years with writing, and self forgiveness, but it never seemed to move, meaning - it never really changed. I was quite sure it was in relation to another family member - based on how our past played out, it seemed the most logical to me that the reason I experienced this was based on this particular relationship with another family member.

But it's not. It was with one that I never thought it had anything to do with. Yet once I saw it, and the memories within it, it was like an ah-ha moment. It made so much sense. And clarified why I now experienced myself the way I do when around this person. It took many visits, and me walking my process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitments, real time corrections, removing layer by layer my self definitions, and establishing my self-awareness to get to this point of seeing/understanding. And I'm glad I did.

I am grateful for this insight into me, and how I came to construct certain self-beliefs, and definitions. Having specific memories to work with, and vocabulary to re-define, I think I will finally have some movement/change within this weakling-experience. That is the gift of family, as messed up as we think they are, or how frustrated we may get towards them... family is the core programming for everyone. We are copies of our parents, and siblings, and aunts, and uncles, and cousins. They show us exactly who we are as the very nature of our minds/personalities/beliefs/ideas/opinions/behavior/patterns... and to embrace what we see, and experience in relation to them, rather than fighting with them/it, is much more empowering, and self-revealing.

So do yourself a favor... practice patience with your family, and bring back to yourself what you see within them. The good, the bad, the ugly... how are you living what you see within them? To be able to take responsibility for them, and change that, is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself, and in the end, will support with a much more effective and substantial relationship with your family. As it's no more about 'them', but it's about you, who you are, and how you direct yourself to live your utmost potential.
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

494: What It Takes to Change - 30 Days of Blogging - Day 28

An interesting point came up this evening while at work. It was a very busy night, and I was there later than usual, so I would be getting home much later than usual. I still had my blog for today due, and while I took a moment and realized the time, and the blog still needed to be written, I had the back chat come up of, "you could always skip it and start over."

There was a bit of energy attached to it, because I 'trusted' it in a way - like I, for that moment it came up, allowed myself to actually consider it. - I entertained the idea The next moment however I knew I would not give in, I would write the blog, and stick to this commitment, so I stopped my participation in that idea.

What is interesting is that even 28 days into this process of creating a new habit of daily blogging, there is still a part of me, as revealed in the back chat. that wants to give excuses as to why I don't follow through. This has been a situation I've allowed many times... I work evenings and often when I get home from work, it's pretty much relax, maybe an episode of some show, and then sleep. I've had moments of considering writing blogs or doing work after I get off work, but through time I've proven to myself that I never do. It's pretty much the same routine for me after work.

So it was cool to see this point come up, amidst the 30 days of blogging, even so close to the end of the stretch, and to see that decision to walk the commitment to myself and to blogging must still be made. That even though I've proven to myself for the past 28 days that I will decide to do it, to support in creating this new habit, I'm still tested to see where I'm standing - if I've actually created this habit as part of who I am.

I've noticed this is often the case when it comes to self-change. When we are creating a new habit or stopping an old one... sometimes they are so ingrained as who we are we have to over, and over, and over again keep making the same decision to change. One time doesn't always cut it. And sometimes the second or third time having to continue making that decision to change tests our limits, and stand, and sometimes we think 'it's not working' or 'it's too hard' because of these thoughts and back chats we have, and excuses and justifications we give ourselves to give in.

This was something I wrote about some blogs ago... that you have to keep making that decision to change, despite the experience to give up, to actually create the change. It was interesting to see it again... I have not yet transcended this point, the habit is not absolutely part of myself because there still exists within me a back door, an attempt to excuse myself from the commitment and action of daily blogging.

This process tests us in so many ways so that we can prove to ourselves that we are standing within principles. And if we are not standing, we will see, we will fall, and give up, and have to start over. Though through time, we stand, get tested, continue to stand, and only strengthen our resolve to be self-directive.

So I'm still in process, and not giving up. I committed myself to walk 30 days of blogging, and I commit myself to see that through. And I commit myself to walk past those 30 days to prove to myself that I'm not limited to even 30 day. I will leave you with an awesome quote from an amazing example that sums this blog up well. (image below)

Enjoy your Process.
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

495: The Reality of One Word - 30 Days of Blogging - Day 29

Earlier today I had a reaction come up within me in relation to something another person said. It was just one word that really irked me, and so I did some writing on it, to open it up and see where the reaction was coming from.

I was playing with a few dimensions I could see that were within the reaction, though nothing was really hitting it on the nose, where I could see Yes! That's the point! So I stopped, and discussed it a bit with my partner, as a point of cross-referencing, and him as my soundboard. As we opened it up more in discussion I saw some other dimensions of the reaction yet it still wasn't moving, meaning - when writing out or speaking out a reaction, or experience, when you really get to the core of the point it releases and opens up within you, and there is like this point of stability and clarity that emerge. Though again, it wasn't really moving in this direction. So my partner suggested I do some more writing on it.

In that moment, I felt suspended, and also resistant. I didn't want to go back into the writing of it, partially because I didn't want to put more 'effort' into it, being that I already written multiple pages on it, and spoke on it. So I wanted to put it away for the moment. As I sat there, I could see my experience was to stop writing, and pick it up again later. But the moment was here to see if I could uncover some more aspects of the reaction, in attempt to get more understanding. So I took a breath, and moved myself to go back into writing, despite the experience saying 'I don't want to write'.

As I wrote the first few words, I realized there was this like jumbled experience within me, where in a way I wanted to like lash out, and really let it out of me, but my tendency within writing is to keep it structured, and even filter it through a point of self-responsibility, to ensure I'm not blaming, or attacking, and while I see this is cool, I don't often let myself to really just purge myself within writing. I realized I was needing to rant and rave, to just allow this point to be unleashed through me, and unto the paper, as a point of firstly just getting it out. In ranting and raving you let go of the filters, and really allow yourself to place the darker, more hidden stuff that isn't pretty or pleasant to see - but it's the truth of what's in your mind. And with it put into words on paper, you can see what it is you are actually dealing with in terms of the nature of the reaction.

So I ranted, and I raved, and I got it all out. And when I was done, I was empty. And what was left was a more specific description of what I was projecting onto another as the words I wasn't living. Power, authority, recognition, consideration. These were all things I was upset this other person wasn't giving to me, or showing to me, that is was 'lacking' within their relationship toward me. And in that I could see... okay, where am I not giving myself and living power, authority, recognition, and consideration? Where am I not hearing me, seeing me, and considering me?

It was interesting to see how one word was actually a door into seeing more of me, a door to self-intimacy. And in this opportunity as a door to walk through to see more of me, there was also a moment of real-time change. To continue pushing, to open it up, and not give in at a moment where my experience was suspended in time, and I resisted to continue walking through it, and wanting to put it away for another day. In changing in this moment as NOT allowing myself to postpone, I saw parts of me, as living words, that I can gift back to myself. First my for-giving-me those words in how I've defined them as something another must give me, and secondly re-defining them as how I can practically live them as an expression of myself. And of course the ranting and raving - allowing myself to just get it all out, in one go, without hesitation or expectation... just writing! Revealing the whole reality within ourselves within just one word.
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

496: The Gifts of Daily Writing... And Sharing! 30 Days of Blogging - Day 30

Today is my 30th day of daily blogging. As soon as I started, it is now over. It's been an amazing process, and I'm so grateful to myself for embarking on the journey. I was able to push through the resistance to writing, walk through the fear of judgments towards myself, and projected unto others. I was able to practice writing 'in the moment' without any ideas or topics to write about, I was able to practice being creative. I was able to walk through experiences and back chats that suggested to skip a day, and I was able to daily take care of myself through the process of reflection and responsibility. And each day, I was able to share that openly with others, without shame, or fear, or judgment, simply unconditionally expressing me and what I face within my day to day living, my process and my Journey to Life.

That is what this Journey to Life is all about, a slow but sure process of change, development, discovery, understanding, forgiveness, removal, creation, and application. What I find most remarkable is how everyday I had something to say, every day I had something to reflect on, to take responsibility for, to share a self-honest perspective on, to forgive, and to let go. There was no day where absolutely nothing was here to share, there was always something. And as I sit here on my 30th day, I see more within me that could fill another 1,000 days of blogs. There is a whole reality within ourselves waiting to be faced, and directed, and re-aligned into what is best for all, not to mention the whole reality outside of us as this world requiring our understanding, forgiveness, and solutions.

The excuses I've made throughout the time since I've started my Journey to Life blog series so many years ago as having nothing to write about, or nothing to share has been proven to be inaccurate once and for all. For me even now there are multiple points I see within me to work on, and lots of memories to be laid to rest, and lots of corrections to apply in my life, so there is always something here. And within this Journey to Life, of daily sharing our process, we have the gift to do just that... take inventory of who we are as our thoughts, words, and deeds and ensure we are standing within principle of equality and oneness as what's best for all. We can't change over night, if nothing else this 30 Days has shown me that every day matters in this process of change, the time available to do just that. Every day is a gift; an opportunity. It's a slow process, but surely in our application of consistency, awareness, responsibility, forgiveness and SELF-direction, we can change, and expand. And to share it openly with others is sharing an example that perhaps could support another within their own process.

So while I took on this 30 Days of Blogging Challenge to push myself beyond what I was accepting and allowing of me, I knew I could do it before I had even started. I knew I was previously giving into excuses and justifications, I was limiting myself within my capabilities. I was accepting a lesser version of myself. Because another cool point about this blogging application that I could see playing out in my life is that when I'm not applying myself, I resist blogging even more. When I am not being self-honest, and not taking self-responsibility for my thoughts, words, and deeds, I do not want to share. In fact I want to hide, hide from others because I'm hiding from myself as the responsibility I have to who I am. Thus it comes down to ME making a decision for ME to step it up, stop my mind as experiences of emotions and feelings, and LIVE my utmost potential.

Thus I DARE anyone who has seen an excuse, justification, or resistance towards blogging to gift yourself with 30 days of daily blogging. Show to yourself you are capable and able to direct yourself, your mind, and your expression to be more than what you've accepted and allowed of yourself. After all, it's not really even about the blogs, it's about YOU in who you are, and the process you are walking. Here is simply a medium for us to practice perfecting ourselves within this process.

Enjoy and thanks for walking this Journey with me.

P.S - The blogging doesn't stop here ;)
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

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497: Our Projected Personas

A couple blogs ago I shared this point I realized about myself in relation to a family member. Today while writing and speaking out some self-forgiveness on my experiences in relation to them, I realized an interesting thing.

What I was accepting and allowing of myself was this diminished weakling where I was in a constant state of fear, cautious, and even anticipation of this person unleashing some emotional reaction... so like an experience of anxiety of wanting to be careful so to no 'wake the beast.'

This experience I have has been created throughout my life, based on childhood memories with this person. I accepted and allowed myself to be within a point of fear, and intimidation by this family member, and the experience still persists now, even as a woman in my 30's.

So while I was working on releasing myself from this point of inferiority/fear, I realized I was reacting and in fear of this family member's projected persona. They projected themselves as tough, and strong, and almost like the judge and the punisher. They were the one condemning, and anyone that got in their way of their righteous rule, would have hell to pay. lol - that is a bit to the extreme of the design, but it is how I experienced being around this person. Accepting something is wrong with me, having to be better, and having to be damn careful not to piss this person off. Though what was I missing? Seeing beyond the facade.

I was reacting to a projection of this person... the image they present of 'who they are', but that is in fact not actually who they are, as it is just a projection. Like a screen put up to hide the real face of who this person is, and in a way even to protect their real self. So I realized in order to understand WHY my family member is the way they are, I must see beyond what is being portrayed.

But in order for me to understand them, I must first understand me, and my participation, and so responsibility, of how the relationship between the two of us exists. As I accept and allow myself to take the diminished/wrong/not good enough/little weakling position in relation to them, I am only supporting their projected presentation of themselves. I am in that, playing the game. I realize that while this family member projects this tough character, it's not really who they are. And in fact could imply they are the opposite. They are the little girl in me they are criticizing and shaming.

I have for a long time in my life reacted to this family member... never wanting to be around them when I was a kid, and over time feeling guilty for the manipulation tactics imposed on me, and even now, a subtle shift within who I am when around them as being careful/cautious/scared to not do something wrong, and to be better as to not unleash the emotion reactions of this person. I have throughout my life accepted and allowed myself within such a position, and so equally accepted and allowed this family member to be in such a position.

What would happen if I stopped, and stood equal? What would happen if I stopped caring, and stopped fearing them? What would happen if I would call them out on their manipulation? What would happen if I no longer participated in the game?

This is what we currently accept and allow within the family constructs. Certain personality types, and behavioral patterns, and projected personas that only hide our real selves, that we think we must protect, or defend or keep hidden. We aren't real with each other, we only enslave each other to continue living out the same destructive behaviors that sustain our currently relationships of inequality, separation, and abuse.

So today I realized the actual responsibility I have to not only myself, but my family as well, to stop and stand up, and no longer accept and allow myself to play the game, to play the character that validates the characters of others. I can no longer hold the inferior position so that another can feel superior. I can no longer diminish myself so that another feels empowered. That is not real power, that is not real empowerment, we are only fooling ourselves.

The following are the self-forgiveness statements that supported in the above realizations... if you read, read out loud, and enjoy!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel small within/as myself around E

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience intimidation around E

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by E due to past memories of them coming down/criticizing me for doing something wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become cautious within myself when around E, worried they will become upset with me if I say something they don't like, or do something they don't like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something wrong around E, as how they define it, to feel I have to be so careful as to not piss them off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pissing E off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a diminishment within/as myself when around E

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think something is wrong with me when I'm around E, and believe I must be careful and cautious in what I say as to not 'wake the beast'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment and condemnation from E

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea that there is something wrong with me, and I must be better than who I am based on past moments with E where they would criticize me, my look, my dress, my hair, and even how I would use kitchen utensils, and accept me as faulty and needing to be better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take it personally when E qould criticize me, accepting the idea that I am not good enough and must change to be better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically tense and stiff when with E, as if I'm on the edge and prepared fro something to go wrong, and their vengeance be released unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about everything I say or do when around E within the idea that what I say or do is somehow bad, or wrong, or not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck in the past, as experiencing myself as a powerless little girl, subject to the whims of E's emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must feel ashamed for who I am, what I decide to do within my life, who I hang out with, and what I do within my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to E's questions and tonality within interpreting it as their position being accusatory and immediately feel as though I must define myself from their judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power and authority to E as her being the one that is right simply based on my fear of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated and indebted for E, without knowing even way, simply accepting this experience towards them and thus feel constantly like i must 'make up for something' or repay what has been given to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the projected personas of people, specifically E's projection of themselves as the judge, and the punisher, and the one everyone is indebted to, as the ultimate authority of what is right and wrong, and to within this, support that within them by playing the part of the judged, the condemned, the one that is bad/unworthy and to accept such a diminished position within/as me in relation to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe E can harm me or diminish me, instead of realizing I accept that or not within/as myself

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to understand the design of E, as the projected persona, as being one that must criticize, judge, and manipulate others to get power and control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by E as how they place their words and tonalities to think and believe I must feel shame, or diminished for who I am realizing I wouldn't be manipulated if I wasn't already manipulating myself on some way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give E the power and control to be changed when around them instead of realizing it is within my power and control as to what I accept and allow that determines how I experience myself

When and as I see myself reacting negatively towards E, as feeling diminished, weakened, bullied, criticized, judged, or manipulated to feel guilty as indebted to them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that within such an allowance i am completely giving up my power and control of me, unto a power and authority separate from myself and so I commit myself to stop separating myself from my own self-power and self-authority, and to practice breathing, and standing stable, and EQUAL to E as not allowing myself to become less then/inferior to them through fear

When and as I see myself fearing E's reactions, judgments, or wrath, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that no harm can actually come from me from E, it's simply what I accept and allow and so I commit myself to stop participating in fear and rather move to understand as to WHY they react, judge, or impose a wrath unto others. I commit myself to let go of the fear I've carried within me since I was a child through no longer allowing myself to participate in the fear when around E

When and as I see myself feeling tense, or anxious around E as expecting them to judge, criticize or condemn me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the projected persona of E is not real, just like my experience of being inferior, judged, condemned when around them isn't real. And so I commit myself to stop playing the game as supporting the projected person of E through accepting my position of the projected persona I activate when around them. I commit myself to letting go of the facades and to instead get real - to see them for who they really are, through the eyes of understanding and forgiveness, and to also stand up within myself to see them as my equal, no longer allowing myself to be diminished around them
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

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498: Why I Want Special Attention When I'm Sick

The last few days I've had some sinus congestion, and what feels like a sinus infection, but really is more like extreme allergies. I have not been feeling my utmost physically.

Today as I was writing, I was looking at the point of how I have not been emotionally reacting to the sickness, rather continuing on my day to day tasks as usual, doing physically what I can while being sick. And to my surprise, was pretty much the same as when I'm not sick. I was reflecting on the cross-reference that was for me - in seeing no reaction towards the sickness, rather an embracing, and acceptance of what is.

As I continued reflecting on how I have not been emotionally reacting to the sickness, I could also seeing how I did go into a point of exaggerating the sickness within me when my partner would come home from work. Some whining, and attempts to get sympathy from him. So I opened this point up for myself a bit more, seeing how there was this subtle change within me where I wanted his attention and care while being sick - for being sick. And when he didn't cater to me as I wanted him to, I noticed a reaction of anger projected toward him.

I then opened this point up for myself more through self-forgiveness and the most fascinating thing happened. As each line of self-forgiveness was being applied, I would move deeper into this point... forgiveness for the desire of special attention and care, the expectation for special attention and care when sick, remembering when I was a kid and how I would imagine getting sick or hurt and having to go into the hospital, and wanting this to happen to get the attention and care from being in the hospital. So then I asked myself, where did I first define being sick/hurt as something positive where one could get special attention and care? And whala - a memory of me being maybe 3 or 4, in the hospital with pneumonia. I remember having visitors bringing me gifts, and being able to order food throughout the night, and getting to play in this giant red bath tub. This is actually a positive memory for me, where in being sick and in the hospital I got all the special attention and care I wanted, and thus here today I see I still attach being sick as something positive wherein I could desire, and expect, special attention and care.

To me this was a cool find within my mind because the point I started writing on, that opened this whole thing up, was not a major experience, or reaction. I would even call it slight, yet in digging deeper, and removing the layers I found a memory still influencing me today, through how I established a certain belief, and definition based on that past experience, and from that, forming expectations from others.

Thus a little lesson for us all... even the slightest, most subtle of experiences/reactions can reveal a memory still having an effect on us and who we are today.

The following is the self-forgiveness process I walked to uncover this memory:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within being sick when with my partner as a way to get him to take care of me and give me special attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate my partner into taking care of me and giving me special attention through exaggerating being sick through mostly whining

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through whining and exaggerating my sickness just to get special attention from my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want special attention from my partner through my sickness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not getting what I want from my partner as special attention and treatment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize that the attention and care I want and expect from my partner is perhaps why I am sick in the first place - to see I require attention and care from myself as indicating from my body in sickness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define attention and care from others as being better than giving/living attention and care for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect attention and care from others before I expect it from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being sick as something to get attention, care, and sympathy from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate being sick or hurt as getting special attention and thus want to get sick or hurt in order to get attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention from others, no matter how I could get it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine getting sick, or hurt and being in the hospital and to attach positive feelings/energy to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the time I had to be in the hospital for pneumonia as positive because I had visitors bring me gifts, and I got late night snacks whenever I wanted, and I could play in a giant red bathtub and to thus define this as a fun time in my life and from this, desire for that experience again - of getting sick, being in the hospital, and getting special attention and care

When and as I see myself desiring special attention and care from others when I 'm sick, I stop and i breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this desire stems from a memory of being a kid in the hospital, and defining it as a positive experience and so wanting to re-create that experience of myself. I commit myself to let go of this past memory, as letting go of the past, and the definition that being sick = special attention and so no more creating a potential wherein I could fall sick just to get special attention and care.

When and as I see myself expecting special care and attention from others when I'm sick or not, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to expect this from others implies I"m not living/giving it myself and so I commit myself to give to myself more attention and care, as the source from which it is then real and matters the most. I commit myself to not get upset/angry when others are not giving me special attention or care, and rather see it as a gift as the realization that only I can give it and living it for myself

I commit myself to not expect form others what i"m not living myself

I commit myself to continue uncovering memories of my past, and releasing me form them, and the definitions and beliefs I've created from them, as letting go of the past, and thus able to walk without the influence of my past and so walk with the present
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

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499: Who Is Responsible for the Condition and Health of Your Body?

Today I was again looking at more dimensions in relation to being sick. My partner Andrew got sick last week, and I remember having the thought, "I hope he doesn't get me sick!" I wanted to speak these words to him, but I saw in the moment that that statement wasn't really valid in a way, and I would only be speaking my mind, rather than within awareness. Though there was a reaction to the idea of speaking it as well - I didn't want to speak the statement in thinking I would create it for myself. So I actually in turn suppressed the thought/belief, within fear, and didn't say anything about it. It's like tuck it way, force it down, don't look at it and somehow it no longer exists or has an effect?

So that is what I was looking at today, how we think preventing certain words can prevent certain consequence, yet without realizing our thoughts are words as well... it's just a different dimensions of manifestation. The statement still existed within me, even though I didn't verbally express it. The belief/idea that 'someone else can get me sick by being sick' is something I think is true, and it showed me that within the fact that it was coming up in my mind.

As I was applying self-forgiveness for this belief/idea, I realized more and more how much we abdicate the responsibility we have to our bodies, and the state or well being of our bodies. We so easily say "you are sick, and could give me YOUR sickness" instead of considering perhaps how our own participation within ourselves/mind/body, and without as our daily living, creates the conditions with which we can get sick.

We blame others for being sick, we blame viruses, bacteria, germs for getting us sick, we even blame the weather for making us sick but we never, ever, ever consider how WE, ourselves are completely, and utterly responsible for OUR bodies. Perhaps through accepting that 'it's not us' that is responsible for our own bodies, we create the condition to be susceptible to getting sick... because we've already given our power away. We already believe someone else or something else can get us sick, and so we accept our own enslavement. What if we had directive principle of our bodies? What if we knew how our body was functioning at any given moment? What if we were in communication with our body... each organ, each cell, each atom.. to be able to check in, see how everything is going, see of there are any mis-alignments we've created through our MINDS as emotional reactions, ideas, belief, assumption, self-definitions that we can than forgive and release from ourselves?

That is the important point here... what exists inside of us as our minds (thoughts, feelings, emotions) does have an effect on our physical body... we are in that fully responsible for our bodies and it's condition. Are we conditioning it to be flourishing within it's utmost potential? Or our we neglecting it and even putting that responsibility unto others?

I will leave you with the self-forgiveness from today in relation to this point, as well as a new EQAFE series, perfectly timed in it's release today about this very point. Check it out HERE.

Enjoy!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe if someone else is sick around me, I could get sick as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to other people being sick within the belief that I can "catch" other people sickness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reason I get sick is because I caught it from other people who were also sick

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically move away form someone when I see they are sick, as to say, "You could give me that sickness, I am susceptible, so I will move away in hopes of preventing me from catching what you got!"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put all responsibility of my physical body's health and well being unto other people, and germs, bacteria, and viruses instead of considering how I am actually responsible in creating perhaps the ripe environment to nurture any sickness or illness within/as my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by others being sick through the belief as acceptance that others being sick, and me being around them, is how I actually get sick

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to Andrew being sick, as the thought, "I hope he doesn't get me sick," and to want to speak this belief out loud, but to then stop myself in fear of actually creating it through my words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating my own sickness/illness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe if I don't verbally speak my thoughts, then they don't actually exist and can't manifest as a reality without realizing the thought exists and so is manifested to that degree already where it exists within/as me, and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize that it's not enough to stop my verbal words, but also my mental words as purifying myself as my thoughts/mind to be clear form any ideas, beliefs, definitions, assumptions that are not aligned to me taking/standing in/as absolute self-honesty, and responsibility for who I am and what I participate and create in this world, within me and outside of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the statement, "I hope Andrew doesn't get me sick," through fear, instead of forgiving the belief that I can get sick simply from him being sick, and me being around him

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to take absolute authority and responsibility of/as my physical body as the me that matters, and ensure what exists within/as my matter is in all ways what is best for all, and so not allowing myself to support enslavement through accepting and allowing myself to be a slave to another's sickness, or to the bacteria, viruses, and germs of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize the power within/as being equal to and one with all that is here, as becoming the directive principle of/as myself as equal to and one with all that is here, and so directing myself as all as one as equal as me in the context of what is best for all

When and as I see myself reacting to another person being sick, as the thought "I hope they don't get me sick," I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is just a belief I've accepted within my life that does not actually prove to be real, or true and that just being around someone that is sick does't mean I will get sick, especially if I am directive principle of/as me as the entirety of my physical body. I commit myself to thus take responsibility for my body, and to not think others will get me sick, but rather focus on creating an environment, within and without of myself, that is conducive to a stable environment that supports my utmost potential to flourish rather than dis-ease

When and as I see myself moving away form someone physically when they are sick as if to prevent them from getting me sick, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is living the belief as myself, in trusting that others are the one that get me sick, and not taking responsibility for the fact that it is MY body and what happens within/as me is my responsibility, and moving away form someone is not going to prevent me from getting sick. And so I commit myself to stop living the patterns as beliefs within my mind, and rather investigate what I believe, where I decided to believe what I believe, and to keep only that which is good/best for all, and remove anything that does not support/align with me as being responsible as the directive principle of/as myself of/as my physical body.

I commit myself to aligning myself, as thought, word, and deed to absolute self-awareness of who I am within all moments, as standing within the responsibility I have to me, my body, and my physical life

I commit myself to stop fearing being sick, or getting sick from others realizing that others don't get me sick, I accept and allow sickness as what I manifest within/as my physical body

I commit myself to get to know my body through breathing... slowing myself down throughout my day, standing with/as my physical body as it breathes, encouraging and substantiating that self/body relationship by being present with/as it as much as I can

I commit myself to continue stopping my participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as the energetic experiences I put my physical body through, and that creates the environment from which I am susceptible to dis-ease
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