Kristina's Journey to Life

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Danielle
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Danielle » 19 Jun 2017, 10:55

Very Cool! Thanks for sharing Kristina.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 27 Jun 2017, 07:40

Thanks for reading, Danielle!



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 27 Jun 2017, 07:41

550: Making "As Within, So Without" Practical


A point to consider when walking a process of change... it's not only about changing within. Changing without has just as much of an impact on the overall process, and impacts as changing within.

I realized this quite some time ago, and in a way felt as if I started from the 'without' to the 'within'. What does that mean?

The 'without' as the external reality - how you interact with your physical environment - the people, the animals, the buildings, anything that is physical, that's external. And the 'within' is the inner reality - your emotions, feelings, thoughts - whatever goes on within you that others cannot see, but you are mostly, well aware of.

So when saying 'changing the without' is just as impactful as 'changing the within' - this is what I mean. When you change HOW you interact with your external, can have an impact on how you interact with the internal.

A great example of this was giving in a new Eqafe Recording, Change Without to Change Within. A being sharing the perspective of how an individual was able to support themselves with slowing down, becoming more flexible, becoming more aware of their physical body, more patient through practicing yoga. In the practice of yoga, it takes flexibility, patience, a slowing down, a body awareness and through doing that, consistently, they were able to change their inner in how they dealt with their own mind - the HOW they are within themselves.

Years ago I also did this for myself. I started focusing on my behavior in my reality - how I tended to procrastinate, put things off till later, think I can just deal with things at another time, like for example with bills. But in starting to change this towards my external - making sure I dealt with bills as soon as I got them, making sure I took care of what was due immediately, and not waiting, and not putting it off, I soon saw how I started to do this same thing with my own mind. When I would see thoughts coming up, or emotions activating, I started to deal with it more immediate. I no longer wait or put it off because I was already versed in the practice of dealing with things as they arise, and not procrastinating on it.

So for me, this interview was a great reminder of the process I've walked, and what I've realized, and confirmed what I already could see for myself. That while yes, it takes an internal process of change - writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, stopping the thoughts, feelings, and emotions, breathing - you can also start strengthening those practices through how you deal with the external reality.

It's fantastic actually because both are equal - you can't change one without changing the other. Either way you go, you are changing, and that change will have an effect on the other.

So if you are finding it difficult to create certain things within yourself, or struggling with dealing with certain parts of you/your mind, like discipline, or directiveness, or patience, or being calmer and less reactive - you can start to develop that through how you participate in your reality.

Take up a practice that encourages things you want to see more of in your life. If it's patience, calm, slowing down, letting go, body awareness - try yoga! Whatever you use to practice change without, know it will change you within.

Suggest to hear the full recording here for a more in-depth perspective and I also invite you to share in the comments below what you've already done to strengthen the within, through the without.



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 07 Jul 2017, 07:12

551: Asking for Permission when you Fear going Against the Crowd

Recently I saw myself faced with a fear of 'going at it alone'. In a group setting, it can be scary standing out, drawing attention to yourself, and be willing to share some new ideas. For me, it was a need for others to agree, as to validate what I could see I could do - thinking I needed others to do it too. But of course, we are all alone. We are alone within ourselves and the direction we take, and the decisions we make. To lead or to follow.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have to ask other's permission to start projects I see worth starting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must get other's approval before I can carry on with something I see worth carrying on with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go against the consensus of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I need others to tell me it's okay to do something I would like to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other's criticism for implementing ideas I see worth implementing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need others to move with me in order for me to move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot stand alone

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what it means to actually stand alone - as standing as all as one - standing for all, and as all, in equality - doing what I see is best for all - being willing to be the one for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to share my ideas with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lead the way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a leader

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the only one doing something, and think without others agreeing and doing too to, it's not cool/worth it and I shouldn't dare to do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather stay in the background, hidden amongst others instead of standing up and standing out and doing what I see is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'stay in my place' as the self-created position I've defined as where I must be - in the background, agreeing with others, following others, and not daring to branch out and creating something new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a follower

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others telling me no - that my ideas are not good and think that that must be the final say and to within this, keep my mouth shut, not dare to speak up or speak out, or the share with others unconditionally what I see as my perspective, insights, and suggestions

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore myself and my ideas as not needing others to do it with me, but rather directing myself to see what's possible, what could work within/as my ideas, test them out and go from there

I commit myself to lead myself

I commit myself to no longer needing others to go first, or show me the way but rather trust in myself as my own self-direction to do and go and be and express what is necessary and best for all

I commit myself to not allow fear of others not agreeing with me stand in my way

I commit myself to not stand in my own way as fear of what others might think

I commit myself to trust myself

I commit myself to encourage my own ideas

I commit myself to be willing to go my own way as a point of self-trust in knowing that ultimately I am alone and I as all as one as equal must lead the way

I commit myself to not be afraid to go against the crowd if it means doing what is best for all

I commit myself to embrace standing alone as I am within/as myself



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 09 Jul 2017, 08:09

552: What We Resist Persists

To touch base on a previous blog, 540, I wanted to reiterate the point of how 'what you resist, persists'.

When I resist pain such as headaches and take a pill to get rid of the experience, I am essentially giving up the opportunity I have to develop a level of self-intimacy, and self-awareness.

Headaches, and pains, as mentioned in my previous blog, don't just come out of nowhere. Often times I can see how I create the pains... how who I am, and what I participate within my mind creates the experience in my physical body. And so rather than investigating what has been accepted and allowed that thus creates an outflow consequence on/in/as the body, we just take a pill to deal with the issue, not realizing there is something deeper to dis-cover.

How we allow our patterns of pain to persist is in how we resist DEALING with the actual problems that create the pain in the first place. Instead of getting to the root of the problem - finding the thought patterns we keep going back to, finding the emotional energy we flood our body with, or some memory we can't let go of that has all these positive or negative attachments to it that distract us from fully living presently - we just resist the pain, take the pill and call it a day. But sure enough, we go through the experience again, and again we repeat the "solution" - take the pill, resist the pain, and call it a day.

Why not deal with the problem... actually get to the bottom of it, find out the real issues, and sort those out - release ourselves from them, forgive ourselves, allow ourselves to heal, to let go, and to thus be able to move on with our lives - stopping the patterns. That is the real solution, and way to deal with dis-ease. Otherwise, we are allowing what we resist to persist.



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 18 Jul 2017, 06:14

553: Forgiveness is not about Forgetting

I just listened to an Eqafe recording titled, "Forgiveness and Forgetting". It explains the point of how just because you forgive something, doesn't mean it forever deletes it from you or your mind. There still exists a remembrance - a recalling of what has happened and who you were.

I was reminded of a time in my life where I realized I required to forgive myself for something I had done. I was ashamed and felt guilty, and regretting how I made the decision to do what I did. And for weeks, the same experience was coming up, I kept going back to the moment where I made this decision, what came from my decision, how it changed my life, and I was gripped by this emotion of regret and sadness. And I realized with this continuing to come up I had to forgive myself, to allow myself to let go of what I was holding onto.

I realized I couldn't change what was done - what I had done. It was done and that was that. There was no going back. But I still remained, and I could not continue to live with this emotional experience of not being able to accept what happened. So I forgave myself. I unconditionally forgave myself, allowed myself to realize I can't change what is done, and I must find a way to move on, for myself. And so I walked that process of forgiving myself and slowly, but surely, I was able to embrace, accept and let go of what happened.

Years later I still recall that time in my life, and how I experienced myself in those days from the decision I made. And I recall the moment I realized forgiveness was the key. And even though I did forgive myself, and I was able to allow myself to move on from what had happened, it still existed within me. That time in my life, that state I was in, that process I had to walk through to get myself through it... that has not been deleted or removed from me. It remains within me as it was a process that shaped who I am now and what I have walked in the past years of my life. And I'm grateful for that, because I am grateful for who I am today and I know that if I had not realized the power of self-forgiveness, I may have very well remained stuck in the past, replaying that same moment, that same decision, and those same feelings about it over and over again.

So the point here for me that I got from this interview was that yes, forgiveness is essential, but forgiveness does not forget. Forgiveness allows you to take what has been done, and who you have been, and use it to develop yourself into a more substantial, understanding, self-loving and so life-loving person.

The gift of forgiveness is that whatever you have done, whoever you have been doesn't have to define you forever... you can always change it, you can always forgive. But in that - what remains is the lessons learned, the new insights and realizations we developed throughout the moments of our life, and the remembrance that who we are creates consequence - a sequence of events that unfolds from who we are in each moment, and if we require to forgive anything, then we always have that as a lesson to never repeat again.

There was much more to this recording I mention here, though this is what I wanted to share. I suggest you have a listen for yourself and hear the gems of support waiting for you to uncover.

Enjoy!



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 15 Aug 2017, 07:44

554: Things Change - Will You?

I started a new job just a couple of months ago, which changed up my home-life schedule quite a bit. I am no longer working evenings, or weekends, and work more hours in a day. I am very pleased about the change, but with that, I had to change myself.

I have been a long-time fan of to-do lists and while for the past couple of years of working evenings, I had long days on my hands and I could regularly get to a lot of things in one day. That has since changed, yet I still tried to do everything in one day. It's simply impossible.

And while I understand prioritizing, and doing what is practically possible, I for a bit was refusing to let go of this 'need to do it all'.

Though what I create from this is a constant failure experience, because I can't practically get to everything... something gets left uncrossed on my to-do list, and usually, it's the same thing every day. Then when the days off come around, I just want to 'run free' and do other things, instead of the 'work' I had been doing throughout the week - even the stuff I didn't I get to. And so I create this perpetual state of failure because every day I a missing out on something. Not getting to it, or wanting to give me some time off, or telling myself the work week is for work.

Though what I realize is that in not getting to everything, holding an expectation on myself that I must do everything in one day, and want to add more things to do to support myself in my development, I CAN change my schedule.

I can change what I do on what days - instead of feeling like all must be done in one day - a little bit at a time how I like it. I can rather do some stuff during the week, and others on the weekend when I'm off. Not forcing myself to achieve some unattainable perfection, but rather perfecting myself in restructuring my days and weeks. Giving more time to things daily, rather than just giving a little to a lot of things. I can give a lot to a little on certain days and see how that goes.

So a bit of a testing something new out... seeing how I do with focusing on fewer things during the working week and adding more to the weekends of what I don't do during the week. In this also creating balance, where I give the proper amount of time to all things I am responsible for and would like to engage with. The week stuff, and the weekend stuff.

I often get myself into a routine that I hold onto so tightly, I forget that as things change, I must change too. And while something was working for awhile, things move around and you have to be willing to move around with them. So some words here for me to start applying is flexibility, letting go, and restructuring.

I am a fan of structure, of a systematic approach to directing myself and my daily tasks. But this can become a compromise when one is unwilling to let go and change - go with the flow if you will. My work schedule changed, and so I must change as well. Allocate my responsibilities within practicality, and not the need or expectation forcing me to do something I most certainly always fall short of.

This reminds me of something we used to say at a company I once worked for. "Set yourself up for success." I am not doing so when I put unrealistic expectations on myself in terms of what I can practically, physically get done in a day. I am when I give myself the time and space to do some things here and other things there, balancing the schedule so I can enjoy what I'm doing rather than plowing through, attempting to get it all done at once. Slow and steady will surely get things done.



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 23 Aug 2017, 06:38

555: Do My Intentions Matter?

There is one point I've been thinking about a lot recently - how intentions really get you nowhere. You can have all the pure, and good intentions in the world, better than anyone else on earth but those Intentions are USELESS if they do not lead to action.

I'll give you an example. I have had in my calendar for more than a year for every Monday of every week to do a vlog. It's scheduled in there every single week. And the intention was to get myself creating this habit, to make it consistent, to walk through judgments and fears and to get to the REAL me as the expression of myself in a moment. To practice communication and face 'speaking in public, to get myself comfortable with simply expressing me. But I have not ONCE followed through on that intention. And so while I have created a nice image of what I would like to do and who I'd like to be, I have not actually lived it... and my actions define who I am, not my intentions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that intentions define who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my intentions instead of what I actually, physically live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good person if I have good intentions, even if those good intentions don't manifest into my actions

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to follow through on my intentions and instead stay within the intention and use that to define myself a good person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can change myself and my life by only changing my intentions instead of realizing the massive physical action required to create anything in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intend to change myself but not take the physical actions necessary to do so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my intentions more than my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait within intention hoping something will come of it, instead of realizing that I must be the creator of my intentions in physical reality to manifest my intentions as that is when our intentions matter

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my intentions more than my physical actions

I forgive myself that I have not investigated and understood my actions more so than my intentions and the real source of who I am

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I am as the starting point (intention) of me is actually clearly visible to me through my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking that my intentions define me more than my actions do

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to challenge my intentions through applying them in physical action to see if my intentions stand within self-honesty and what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to dare to take action on my intentions to see what is actually possible within this creation as life on earth

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to pay more attention to my actions, and what I can create through my action in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to join forces of my intention and my action as the equation in which creates

When and as I see myself holding an intention to do something or change something, yet not act on it immediately, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the deception I am living within and towards myself when I do not follow through on intentions and instead remain within the intention as if that does anyone any good. And so I commit myself to investigate my intentions and to see what can be lived - what I can actually act on as the intentions that matter to see what is possible within matter

I commit myself to let go of the intentions that serve the purpose of only fulfilling an idea of myself that I'm a good person but that does not translate into living action

I commit myself to create intentions that I can live in physical reality

I commit myself to start living and applying my intentions as making them matter

I commit myself to pay more attention to my actions and behaviors as what defines me within this life

I commit myself to purify my intentions to be that which is best for all



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 28 Aug 2017, 07:35

556: What We are Missing when We Judge our Bodies?

Last night I had a dream I was pregnant. I was full term, but the belly seemed somewhat under developed. I actually enjoyed the experience and overall I was content within the dream in relation to being pregnant. Though at one point I lifted my shirt and noticed a bruising/wilted part of the belly, below my belly button. I immediately reacted with guilt and shame for my allowing such negligence that I would have created this. I was concerned for the baby, and the damage I had done. I thought that I did it from working as a server, constantly leaning over tables. I was so disappointed in myself. But then I read something from a doctor that said such a thing was expected, and I had medication even for the bruised area – like a cream to rub on it. I was so relieved.

As I was telling my partner about this dream, he mentioned it was interesting that the bruising was around my stomach area – that that part of my body was seen as damaged, and neglected and within that, I felt shame and disappointment.

It’s interesting because I have such a type of relationship with my body – my stomach always being a point of focus where I think it’s not good enough, or not quite up to standards. And even recently in gaining some extra weight, feeling more and more uncomfortable with my stomach. There is absolutely judgments and perhaps, as the dream indicated, there is deeper shame and guilt for the type of abuse I allow within myself in relation to my stomach, and overall my body. Where I push it to be looking a standard that others say is acceptable, and I am ultimately never able to fulfill and so dissatisfied.

Perhaps there are deeper feelings of disappointment that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly, to judge my body so much, to compare it to others, to an unrealistic standard and so creating a constant state of disappointment.

And the kicker – the amount of value placed on my body/stomach in what I think it SHOULD look like is used to define myself personally. As if the size of my stomach actually determines the type of person I am is like saying the color of someone’s skin, or the color of their eyes do. And yet I’ve accepted such a definition and believe that some are better and others are worse simply based on the shape of the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the shape of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body shape as ‘not good enough’ through comparing it to others I define as ‘good enough’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare and judge my body to an image outside/separate from me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is ONE WAY a body must look and that way is the ONLY way it can be defined as nice/good/attractive and if it is not that, then it’s a not good enough/failing and a disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the idea of how my body should look rather than seeing it for real, in it’s purest expression as a physical, functioning system that gives and sustains ME and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body through expectations I have on it created throughout the years of accepting images outside of me as ‘what I should look like'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself in a way in not living up to a standard I accepted as societies standard of what a beautiful body is

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define my body as beautiful as the amazing natured expression it is that moves and functions and exists despite the constant beratement put on it from me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to honor my body as my temple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit how I see my physical body through focusing in on only one part of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my body defines who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my body through focusing only on the parts I am not satisfied with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a constant state of comparison and sizing myself up in relation to others and their bodies and putting myself as either better or worse than them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be told and accept what is beautiful and what is not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than within who I am because my body does not fit into the picture image of what we are told a body should look like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body prohibits me from expressing myself within my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the size of my stomach

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hate towards my physical body – the one expression on this earth that gives to me unconditional life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to humble myself within/as my body as being allowed to exist here within/as it and not yet develop a relationship with my physical body that is harmonious and best for it and for myself as the being within/as it

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to align to my physical body completely and totally – not realizing my body is a universe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cut myself off from the totality of my physical body as a universe, where every atom and every cell exist collectively to stand as this physical body I have been gifted with and to within that, not realize the potential I have to understand and get to know my physical body in all its parts – all the atoms and all the cells… are alive. It is Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize the potential of life as it exists within the very substance of/as my physical body

When and as I see myself judging my physical body and more specifically my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitation and enslavement I am accepting and allowing in such a state of judgment that I’ve created through comparisons and the belief that there is only one type of body that is beautiful. I commit myself to thus stop all judgments as they arise and focus rather on the physical body breathing – the actual movement and expression of what my body is as what actually matters

When and as I see myself focusing in on the parts of my body I don’t like, like my stomach, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the limitations I am accepting and allowing in looking at only one part of my physical body and so missing out on the entirety of the physical body as an actual universe and so I commit myself to expand my focus to be towards the totality of my physical body – from the skin I can touch to the atoms within/as it all – realizing the absolute grandness of what is here as my physical body.

I commit myself to become humble in realizing what my body actually is and what it actually gives to me and allows me to do each and every single day

I commit myself to honor my body, as a temple, as a space in which I’m allowed to experience life on earth

When and as I see myself comparing my body to other people, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow this is to continue to allow separation among humans wherein we define each other according to their size, shape, skin color, religion, whatever – and this must stop here. I commit myself to stop separation between myself and others through stopping comparisons as making some more or less than others and instead realize the equality and oneness of each body – each being as ONE and Equal in the substance of who they are

I commit myself to stop abusing my body through suggesting it is a shape it is not supposed to be and rather embrace it as it is – realizing it’s perfect in the sense of its actual functioning

I commit myself to keep in mind what matters – the body as the flesh, as the self and not the shape or the look of it

I commit myself to stop neglecting the relationship I have with my body and start silencing the mind to hear what is here - the breath and the heart beat, the organs, the blood, the bones, and the cells that are alive



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 29 Aug 2017, 03:57

557: Fear of Getting Fat

I am going to share a bit more here my relationship to my body, and more specifically, my stomach. When I was around 10 years old I stopped dancing, which I had been doing for 8 years already, and competitively for the last few of them. I remember being at home and thinking about how I 'must work out' now that I was stopping dance because, from my 10-year-old perspective, I was going to get fat.

That's quite a consideration for a 10-year-old... thinking I must work out to 'keep my figure' and hopefully prevent myself from gaining weight. And my target area? My stomach.

I then proceeded to put a towel down on the floor in my living room, wearing a short shirt and some shorts, and I began doing sit ups. I must have looked silly, as a friend of the family at the house snapped a picture of me doing this - which I'm sure is still around somewhere at my mother's place.

So here I am at 10 years old, deciding that I would have to create my own work out regime now that I would no longer be dancing. And within this, and what still lingers, is a fear. A fear of the fatness. That I will gain weight. that I will get bigger. That I will 'put on the pounds'. And while for most of my life most would say I have never been overweight, within myself, I always felt overweight. I always felt as if I was just a few too many pounds over what is ideal. And the most problematic of all areas was the stomach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must work out to prevent myself from gaining weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as a fear of gaining weight and to within this, allow that to be my reason for working out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my whole life have this constant point of 'fat' in the back of my mind - always taunting me, and hanging out just to remind me it's always there, and I could so easily become that!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to torment myself throughout the years with a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having extra weight on the body means you are a worthless person and you are inferior to others with less weight on their bodies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative energy charge to the word fat and to within this, fear it if I speak it, or think about it, or see it - fear I could become it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being fat is unacceptable and that I could not accept myself with extra weight on my body and others couldn't accept me with extra weight on my body

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to condition myself within the belief that if I work out, I will never gain weight and to thus use working out and exercise as a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being fat instead of as a point of self-enjoyment and exploring what is possible within/as the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use working out as a means to deal with the fear of becoming fat, instead of simply removing the impractical fear of becoming fat from within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work out for one reason only and that is to prevent becoming fat or to lose weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I'm not working out I'm going to get fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being fat as a bad/negative/horrible thing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body within a limitation of definitions as thinking and believing it can only be this or that - thin or fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity within/as myself in relation to my physical body as fearing to be fat, and so desiring to be thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into thinking my want/desire to be thin isn't just a fear of being fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my body and any extra weight I may put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push my body into a submission through exercise wherein I define it as unacceptable to be anything less than I want it to be, and due to my fear, my want is for it to be thin and so I compare it, and judge it, and berate it, and push it to work hard to lose weight to be acceptable within my eyes and the eyes of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the shape of my body is what matters in this life

When and as I see myself fearing to be fat, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my fear of being fat comes from an idea that to be fat is to be bad and so I resist it, and push away from it, when in reality I am only running away from my own self-created definitions - wherein if I didn't see being fat as such an ugly/bad/negative thing, it woulnd't scare me so much. And so I commit myself to equalize how I define the word fat - for it to be a descritpion without a negaitve associsation where it's not used to judge or belittle people but rather to describe something

When and as I see myself wanting to be thin, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my want to be thin is coming from an actual fear of being fat and so within this, I commit myself to face this fear of being fat - to forgive the ideas I have of being fat and to rid myself of the associations that enslave me to the fear - realizing the size of my body does not determine who I am - my words, and my thoughts and my actions do

I commit myself to stopping the behaviors that are symptoms of a fear of being fat - where I touch my stomach, or look in the mirror, or pay too much attention to my belly - in these moments I commit myself to stop myself, to stop the actions that fuel the fear and the ideas within my mind. I stop in those moments, and I breathe. I breathe within/as my body realizing the entirety of what is here as my body and let go of the limited view I've created of being thin or fat that is not even a part of this reality of what my physical body actually is it's the totality of its existence and expression




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