Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 18 Nov 2016, 09:32

500: Willy-Nilly Living

Today I noticed some anxiety within me, and it was in relation to my permanent residency status in Canada. I've been waiting for a response for almost 8 months now, and while it could take up to two years, I did in a way expect to hear something by now.

Though the anxiety I can see is not in relation to not hearing a response, but more on who I was when submitting the application, and actually practical in that it is showing me a point in which I was dishonest with myself, and the application when it was submitted. At the time I was filling it out, I was here on a year's holiday work visa. However by the time I sent the application in, my status had changed. I knew this part of my application should have been changed as well, yet I allowed laziness, and a hope to direct me to just send it anyway, and hope for the best.

I can amend the residency application at any time, but for me the anxiety showed that it was something I was willy-nilly with... not absolutely accurate, and ensuring that it was exactly as it should be, or at least as me doing every I could to ensure it was how it should be, based on my understanding.

So I let it slide, kind of pushed it down inside of myself hoping it would just work itself out. I basically hoped someone would overlook it, and not pay attention to it, like I had not given it the proper attention when I was filling it out, and sending it in.

A lesson for me - to stop gambling with my life in the system... to ensure I'm doing everything I possibly can to not create consequences that could compromise me. For now it's just the anxiety as consequence I've created, but it's also a gift in showing me hey - this is a point I didn't direct properly, and now it's time to take responsibility and correct it.

So the amendment is being made, and I'm doing what I can now to ensure there are no loose ends. No more willy-nilly living!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be absolutely sure about my PR application when I sent it in, where I basically sent it out, and hoped for the best instead of ensuring absolute accuracy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope someone doesn't see a mistake I made and just ignores it, as I ignored the fact that I required to update information before submitting my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that my PR application needed updated information and instead allowed laziness rather than taking the extra time to ensure all information was accurate and up to date.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gamble with my status here through allowing laziness to direct me in not updating the information on my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety as on outflow consequence of laziness, where I could no longer suppress my deception as being lazy and not updating the information on my application before I sent it out

When and as I see myself ignoring points of self-honesty by wanting to cut corners, and not give extra time to ensure up to date information and accuracy and rather gamble with it 'just being fine', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such self-dishonesty cannot forever be ignored and I will have to face it again at some point in my life - either as anxiety, or perhaps some more severe consequence. And so I commit myself to rather than creating consequences such as anxiety, or something worse, do what needs to be done each moment with my absolute direction and awareness, and self-honesty it is accurate and up to date and as it should be

I commit myself to stop gambling on things by doing them willy-nilly and instead invest in self-perfection to do absolutely everything and anything in my power I can within my utmost potential in any given moment - never letting anything slide, or be suppressed or ignored, but to rather practice directing myself, and each moment, within the best of my ability

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 19 Nov 2016, 09:38

501: The Most Empowering Moment of My Life

One of the most empowering moments in my life was when I heard the words 'you are responsible for yourself, and this world. What is 'out there', also exists within you. As within, so without.'

This is a moment in my life I will never forget because it was understanding those words that I experienced things coming together for the first time in my life that actually made sense. All the previous knowledge, and information I had, all the ideas and beliefs I participated in, everything I wanted to know, but didn't yet... was placed so perfectly in that understanding. My search was over.

I had grown up to believe in God, initially the Catholic God, but really all the same in the context of religion. An almighty God that rewards those that are good, and punishes those that are bad. A god that sent a son for humanity to be saved, and through him we could be forgiven. My religious context of god evolved throughout my life to become more of a universal god - one that was not limited or bound by any one religion, and that had nothing really to do with Jesus or anything, simply that there was a creator of everything, and that creator had something intended for me in my life. I become quite obsessed with aligning with this almighty creator, and understanding it's existence, and how I could interact and move in my world to get everything I wanted... thinking this is what was best for all existence, for me to align to my higher self that was one with this creator.

So in a way I was for a long time waiting for a sign, a message, a direction to be given unto me from some almighty 'high'. I was also smoking a lot of weed at this time, lol - so I was tapping into some highness.

I had submitted myself to some grand design, to some creator, to some already made path for me to just align myself with. But those words.... "YOU are responsible for yourself, and this world. What is 'out there', is within you. As within, so without." I was very quickly grounded in this moment. The war, the poverty, the neglect, the corruption, the greed, the evil 'out there', actually existed within me, to some degree or another. So instead of praying for someone else to 'save the world' and bring solutions, I was shaken to see the nature of humanity was the nature of humans, the individual, and I was an equal participant. I had a responsibility to how the world 'out there exists' because if I took a self-honest look within my own mind, I would see the same nature existing 'in here'. As within, so without.

The need, the search, the want for something 'out there' to 'show me the way' stopped in that one moment. I had heard throughout my experience with religion and spirituality many things that were until this moment, not grounded in reality at all. I didn't know how to practically live anything I learned or understood, and didn't even know that was an aspect that was missing. Until I heard those words.

For me it was the biggest wake up call. All of a sudden I was face to face with MYSELF as the one I was looking for/searching for/wanting to get to know. All of a sudden I realized the purpose of my life, of THIS life for everyone. It was to stop looking outside of ourselves, and start realizing OUR responsibility in the creation of this world, within and without.

I realized that if I wanted this world to change, I needed to change myself first. I realized that if I wanted to go in a certain direction in my life, I had to direct myself through my actions. I realized that no one would, or could EVER save me... there was no Jesus coming, there was no awakening for all of humanity, there was no higher love that would save us. We were here, left within our own creation, for the simple purpose of realizing WHO WE ARE as Creation. To face what we've created as ourselves, and our world. To see the degree of separation we've accepted and allowed, and how in our own power, we created ourselves to be enslaved... enslaved to our minds (thoughts, feelings, emotions), to our society, to our family, to money, to work, to our lack of knowing, seeing, and realizing that we are in fact equal and one. And in that equality and oneness is each one's RESPONSIBILITY to the whole. Imagine what kind of world we would live if in each person stood within their responsibility to themselves, and to the whole?

This moment for me was just over 7 years ago now, and unlocked a process for me I swear I felt like I was waiting my whole lifetime for. The veil dropped, the awareness emerged, and here I was alone within my responsibility to this life, in this one life. To me it made absolute sense, and grounded me in a way I had never experienced before.

I was the key. I was the ONE I was looking for. I was the problem, and the solution.

While I see now some people do understand that level of self-responsibility they have within their individual lives, it was never something I understood at all. Being raised religious, and spiritual, there was always an aspect of something higher/better/bigger that had all the answers, and for me to have any kind of peace in this life, was to know this something higher/better/bigger. I was never taught that I was in all ways responsible for myself, in thought word and deed. And while such a stance can be challenging, as we so easily like to blame things on something external from ourselves, the freedom in realizing one's responsibility to everything inside of oneself, and who one is in relation to everything outside of oneself is something that may surprise you. It is a Gift.

No more waiting. No more hoping. No more despair. No more uncertainty. There is a level of calm when one is taking self-responsibility for everything in one's life because it is the source from which one can always seek solace, guidance, and direction. I am forever grateful for the Desteni Message, and the unconditional support I've received over the years through all of it's participants, and mostly for myself for trusting in myself enough to stand self-responsible, and empowering myself to take charge of who I am within my life, and so who I am as all as one as equal.

That is what I wanted to share tonight... the gift, the freedom, and the empowerment when one realize's one's self-responsibility. It is a process, but it is absolutely worth it.

Goodnight.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 20 Nov 2016, 08:30

502: Temptations of the Mind

The last couple of months I've been quite satisfied with my self-direction day to day. Pushing myself to be more directive with myself, walking through resistances, and going beyond certain self-imposed limitation. The last two days I noticed an interesting thing... some old patterns creeping back up, tempting me to fall into some old ways.

In allowing even one thought of justification, or excuse to not be absolutely clear, and directive with myself, can create a whole slew of similar thoughts and experiences that can create greater consequences in terms of my experience that I then must walk through again.

One day I allowed one justification to not be self-directive, which led to the next day of that same experience being greater, and again giving into it. This was a red flag for me because clearly I could see an old pattern of behavior emerging... knowing that if I didn't stop this now, I would easily re-create what I've been so deliberate in changing the last couple months.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver even a little bit within myself in relation to my self-direction and application within my day to day living, wherein giving in to just one thought as temptation can be the one step in the direction of re-creating patterns that I have walked over two months to correct

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify within myself to participate in old patterns/behaviors within the thought "just this once, I've worked so hard, I deserve a little break", instead of realizing that what I've walked the past two months is not payment for a day wherein I allow myself to exist within my mind and not be absolutely direct with myself in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into to even just one thought that suggest I deserve to do something that I know is a pattern I've walked to correct, and so rather than giving into that one thought, see it as a moment of opportunity, wherein the mind is taking it's last stand, it's last attempt to see if I'm really clear within myself in terms of my own standing within myself - testing myself in a way to see if I'm really standing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that allowing one moment of justification or excuse to give into an experience of the mind doesn't have consequences in my application

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop myself immediately when I see excuses and justifications coming up within me that suggest me to go back to old patterns and behaviors I've walked a process in stopping/changing/correcting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can sit on the fence within myself in relation to certain patterns, instead of realizing that I must be absolutely clear in who I am, and what I accept and allow, and to make a decision once and for all who I will be within my day to day living, as what I live and express, as thought, word, and deed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my process of consistent application over the past two months in relation to certain behaviors and patterns, and my overall self-direction by allowing one thought as justification and excuse to tempt me into going into patterns and behaviors that I see no longer serve me

When and as I see myself thinking up justifications and excuses to go into old patterns/behaviors that no longer serve me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a moment is an opportunity for me to stop, and make a clear decision AGAIN within myself in who I'm going to be as the mind is giving me a moment to decide again, what I will accept and allow, and to allow even the smallest of thoughts in not being clear/directive within myself can create massive consequences and so I commit myself to stay steadfast in the decisions I've made to direct myself within my utmost potential within my day to day living - pushing myself beyond my own self-imposed limitations

When and as I see myself allowing justifications and excuses to exist within me as participating in certain behaviors and patterns I've walked a process to let go of, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that to allow such old behavior and patterns to creep back into my living application is to allow consequences to be created that I will have to re-walk through, as a time loop within my process. I commit myself to thus do it once, and do it right, where I see I am able to... in not allowing myself to 'go back' to old patterns and behaviors I've been walking in correcting and changing, and to rather rid myself of that which no longer serves me within my utmost potential

When and as I see myself back chatting about 'deserving' to go into certain experiences, created by the mind as justifications, and excuses, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am not walking a process of self-change to earn credit wherein I can later spend more time in the mind... the point is to rid myself of my own enslavement of/as the mind, and put the mind in it's proper place, as a tool in which I utilize for myself, and not that I follow like a carrot on a stick. I commit myself to thus not deceive myself with temptations of the mind to 'follow along' and sway from my standing in who I am, and what I want to create within/as myself.

I commit myself to push beyond the influence of the mind, and direct myself, as directive principle, what I do, and how I live, and who I am within thought, word and deed.

I commit myself to no longer be served by the mind as following along to the experiences created through thoughts, feelings, and emotions, but rather create it to be a tool to serve me, that I can utilize when/as I need

I commit myself to stay consistent within myself, as my day to day living, as the purpose I've given myself to nurture my utmost potential, through the accumulation of day to day self-directive living

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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 21 Nov 2016, 08:34

503: When Curiosity Becomes Gossip

Today while talking to a friend, I asked her about some mutual friends of ours... I was curious about some developments in their relationship. The friend I was speaking with suggest I ask them myself. I stood back within myself in this moment realizing I was being deceptive in a way, because why had I not just asked the source directly? Why did I go around them, and ask our mutual friend? Why was I not willing to go to the source of what my curiosity was about?

I could see I felt it was inappropriate, as I considered if they wanted to share some information about their life, they would. But because they hadn't, they were not yet ready. Yet I still justified my want to know, and so asked another friend of ours. A big red flag here... if I couldn't go direct to the source, I shouldn't be seeking the information in the first place.

So was a lesson for me today - gossip is still gossip, even if it's not nasty, or negative in nature. If you are unwilling to ask or speak to someone directly, especially about them, you have no business talking about them when they are not around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip while not calling it gossip because I define it as speaking 'positively' about others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk about others when they are not around - asking specifically about those not around, but wanting to know about others as asking questions about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I can't ask people directly about their situation/life yet feel it's okay then to go around them, and ask other people in their life about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define it as inappropriate to ask someone directly about their lives, about certain situations of their life, yet think it's then okay to go ask someone else in their life to get the information I'm curious about

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I am not willing to ask the source directly about something in their life, I shouldn't be willing to go to another person in their life, to find out more about them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define gossip as something only negative, when in truth, it can be anything your not willing to say to one's face, yet are willing to say to others about them when they are not around

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I have a right to information about other people's lives because of my own curiosity, yet instead of being direct and asking someone about their life, go to another person who is more intimate in their life to find out the information I am curious about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider other people in what they want to share about themselves, as seeing if they wanted people to know certain aspects of their lives, they would probably share it, yet to disregard this consideration just to feed my curiosity and so go to another person in their life to find out what I want to know

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider my own curiosity instead of how other people experience themselves, and where they are with sharing certain information, and to respect where other's are in what they do or don't share, and not to impose my own expectations of satisfying my curiosity

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand in another shoes, and ask myself, 'would I want someone to ask someone else about my life, or would I want them to come and ask me directly?' as giving as I would like to receive, and treating others the way I would want to be treated... I would rather have someone ask me directly about aspects of my life, instead of going around me to ask someone else who may know information about me

When and as I see myself wanting to ask people about other's in their life, but that is not the actual source of what I want to know, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that gossip is gossip, and no matter how 'positive' you define it, it is still an act of not speaking directly with someone, but rather speaking about them when they are not around, and thus cannot add their perspective to the communication. And so I commit myself to not speak about others when they are not around, especially if I am not willing to speak to them directly about that which I'm curious about.

When and as I see myself not willing to speak to others about certain information I'm curious about, yet then want to go ask someone else for that information, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that if I'm not willing to speak to the source directly, I have no business to speak about them at all. And so I commit myself to do unto another as I would like done unto me and dare to speak directly to people, especially if it's about them, and not make up my own mind or use a third parties mind just to satisfy a curiosity.

I commit myself to stop all forms of gossip

I commit myself to speak directly to people, and if I'm not able to, don't talk about them at all

I commit myself to consider other people, and not just myself, when it comes to what one wants to share about their life

I commit myself to treat others the way I want to be treated

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 22 Nov 2016, 08:02

504: It Was So Much Easier than I THOUGHT

Today I noticed something interesting about the Mind. I mean I have understood this before, but it's a whole other story when you see it real time, and get that first hand experience of what it's actually capable of. The understanding becomes much more real and grounded.

I had to make an appointment and I noticed that I had a slight resistance to it. I had all these ideas coming up within my mind about how I may not get in for the appointment for a few months, like they would be all booked up. I thought it might be very expensive, because I at the moment do not have health insurance in Canada. I thought it would be much more complicated that it actually turned out to be. The key word here being THOUGHT.

I THOUGHT it was going to be this big, complicated situation that I was in a way dreading. Dreading because I had THOUGHTS projecting into the future of how it was going to go, or turn out. I THOUGHT it would be so pricey, I THOUGHT I wouldn't get in when I needed to. I THOUGHT it was going to be such an ordeal. And because of everything I THOUGHT, I created like a resistance to actually making the appointment in anticipating all I THOUGHT I would have to walk through for it.

So I called. They answered, they knew exactly what I needed, had an appointment in two weeks I was able to schedule. They gave me the price, which I saw was reasonable. They took some more information from me, and the conversation ended. All of 5 minutes, and reality again proved the mind can be so irrational and over-complicate things.

How often do we have ideas about things... how things are going to go, or how things will end up. Based on our past, or our fears, or our assumptions, we come to conclusions about things before we actually walk through it! How much do we put off in anticipation of it not going smoothly or being more complicated then we think it's worth? How much do we allow our mind's complications influence reality, where the reality might just be so much more simple than we could ever conceive.

It usually is. We tend to over-exaggerate and create more of a mess when we are dealing with our minds. When we allow thoughts, and ideas, and assumptions attached to irrational emotions and feelings... we create a whole reality around the actual actions to take, and create something bigger than what it is.

Do yourself a favor... stop THINKING about what you need to do, and just do it. Make that appointment. Fill out those documents. Make that call. Schedule that meeting. Stop putting stuff off because you've created ideas about how difficult it's going to be, and rather just do it. Physically walk it, and prove to yourself how much more simple reality living is. When we get out of our heads, and start walking one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, on step at a time... we realize how complicated we make things. So unnecessarily.

Life and living can be simple. It doesn't have to be this big ordeal. We do that by dealing with it through the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions. If we instead just focused on the physical - the actions required to take, and take those steps to get it done, we can become much more efficient in our lives, and not live with the anxiety, and stress we create through putting something off because of our created ideas about what it's going to be like.

Stop thinking, and start living. Stop assuming, and find out for real.

Live simple, ya'll.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 23 Nov 2016, 09:07

505: Life Beyond the Bars

Recently I was talking to someone I just met, who just got to town, and started working where I work. As we were getting to know each other, and talking about what we do outside of work, I mentioned I don't go out to the bars or clubs in town. She seemed quite startled, and asked, "What do you do then?"

This kind of gave me a chuckle inside because that is often something I reflect on - how my lifestyle might seem quite boring to a lot of people, especially because of the simple fact that I don't go out drinking or partying. That is such a huge part of people's lives, especially in their twenties, and even thirties.. the idea of not participating in such activities can seem like what else is left? I definitely had this experience when I was in my early twenties, and going out a couple times during the week... if I wasn't going out, I would often wonder what others were doing, and what I was missing out on. Almost like my life stopped on those nights where I wouldn't go out.

Yet what is most interesting is to see while I thought my life stopped when I wasn't going out, I can actually see how much less active my life was before I started walking the Desteni I Process - how much I just gave into the 'norms' of society as being 'what you do' without question. Since stopping drinking, and my other vices, I've become much more focused on self-development, and often find my days filled with more than enough things to do.

I can't even now imagine having the time to go out and just drink for 4 or 5 hours a night. Sure, I've enjoyed a couple nights here and there of dancing, or socializing at a bar with co-workers or friends, but my participation and focus is no more in that type of environment, and I can't imagine it being any other way.

I used to experience boredom a lot, or when I look at who I was and how I lived 7 years ago... I was quite in the routine of wake up, work, hang out with friends, go to sleep, repeat. There was nothing within my awareness of self-development as it is now... I am surprised to think how I wasn't more bored with myself. I mean yes, there were some aspects of self-development, but overall I was very much content with the movement of my life, which was making money to spend it out with others. My down time was spent watching TV or movies, not ever really thinking long term, or even short terms goals. I was quite complacent.

So a couple important points for tonight. Boredom is not really valid in that there is ALWAYS something to do, especially if you are willing to develop yourself and not simply accept life the way it is for so many. And there is MORE in this life than just drinking and partying, and watching TV or movies. There are many things we can do, each day, that supports in nurturing our utmost potential, and it starts with questioning who you are within what you do and seeing where you can expand beyond your own self-imposed limitation.

Life is not meant to be passed by, keeping ourselves busy with whatever until it's over - drinking our money, and life away. It's meant to be questioned, assessed, developed, changed, moved, and expansive. Don't settle on the norms, create your own norms that are best for you and everyone else around you. Live life beyond the bars.

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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 24 Nov 2016, 09:14

506: Creating Physical Exhaustion through Mental Exertion

Recently I went back to work after having a month off. An interesting change took place within me pretty much the day I went back, and that was how I become much less active on the days I work. I have been slowly accumulating this experience of like a low, less motivated me, wherein it had become more of a struggle to do things during me day, and in looking at when this specifically started I noticed it was exactly the day I went back to work.

So I was looking at this point within writing today, and I noticed this point within me of how I, in an attempt to not create an uncomfortable experience as work - such as being tired, or physical sluggish, I resist doing anything really during my day. (I work evenings, so my days are usual open.) So I attempt to preserve as much energy as I can the days I'm working, in hopes of making it through the evening shift as stable as possible.

Though what I create is, when I absolutely have to go out in the day, like for instance yesterday I had a commitment a couple hours before work, that kept me out of the house until I was done with work that evening. By the time I was heading home, I was quite physically exhausted, had a headache, and overall was not feeling good at all. Though I can see this has more to do with the ideas I create around how my experience is going to be when I'm busy on the days I work, rather than the actual activities causing the exhaustion. So basically - because of how I react to how I expect to feel (tired/exhausted) at the end of the day, I actually create it as the mental activity is more strenuous than the actual physical activities.

So an interesting pattern I can see I've been creating for myself for quite awhile though more obvious to me now because I had that time off for a month, where I was basically running around everyday doing things I wanted to do, and things I needed to do, yet completely satisfied and stable throughout it all. Whereas now, with only being back at work as the point of change, I changed. The way I direct myself during the days I work changed quite drastically to how I direct myself when I'm not working.

Another aspect to this is how I see when I'm at work, and say I'm tired, or physically uncomfortable within myself, I feel trapped in a way - like I cannot just go home, and lay down and rest. I'm at work, and must finish the shift before I can do anything else. So it's like wanting to prevent this experience of feeling trapped when I don't feel my most stable physically. And in an attempt to prevent this, the days I work, I will not dare exhaust more energy than needed, but in turn create days where I feel like I'm not living my utmost potential, or enjoying my life even. It's like I compromise a day of my life, simply because I have to work, and fear that experience of being physically tired while at work.

So something I will now practice - stopping the belief that just because I'm out and about, away from the house on the days I work, or busy with things at home, that I will automatically be tired and exhausted by the end of my work shift. When perhaps if I was not reacting as the emotional experience of fear, worry, resistance, and avoidance, I wouldn't be using the energy needed to create a consistent stability within myself physically. After all - our mind activity takes physical resource as well. If I'm consuming energy to fuel my minds emotions and reaction, that utilizes the resources that I could have for the physical labor of my job.

I will continue with this in tomorrow's blog...

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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 25 Nov 2016, 10:16

507: Creating Physical Exhaustion through Mental Exertion part 2

Continuing from yesterdays blog - the following is the self-forgiveness to support in stabilizing myself in relation to who I am on the days I work - working towards creating consistency within myself when I'm working, or when I have the day off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I can't do as much during my days when I work, whereas when I don't work I am much more willing to be active and productive throughout my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change who I am now that I'm back at work, doing less during the days I work within a fear of over exerting myself, and getting tired at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I can't do as much as I can do on a day off when I'm working because the amount of energy needed for work, and so in an attempt to preserve energy, do less during my days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change they way I direct myself when I'm working or not working, where I am less directive when I have to work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to reserve my energy when I work, thus do less during those days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing more during the days I work within a fear that I will exert too much energy and not feel comfortable while at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless when I'm tired or physically uncomfortable at work and thus want to do less within my days when I'm working in hopes to prevent that experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress and worry myself when I have obligations before work that keep me out of the house for longer than I would like - to within this, create a mental exertion that cause physical tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it's the physical actions I do that will cause me to be tired at work, instead of looking at how the mental stress and worry as thoughts play a part in using up the physical resources that actual cause the tiredness/exhaustion at work

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to yet realize that if I were to be less in the mind in relation to this point, I perhaps could walk a day when I work productively, active and consistent

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to yet realize that the highs and lows of my experience on the days I work, wherein I fear going into the low energy polarity, only exist within the mind, and through my participation in the mind, I am creating the very thing I fear, instead of working more in the physical - as walking breath by breath and not allowing thoughts of fear to consume me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resource my physical body for energy to exist within the mind, instead of keeping it within the physical through breathing, being present, and focusing on my physical reality/environment/actions

When and as I see myself fearing the experience of being tired at work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the exact fear uses energy and thus can create the experience I am actually fear as having low energy/being tired at work. And so I commit myself to stop fearing, and start focusing myself more on the physical - the actions and activities to do, and spend less time in my mind fearing an experience that may happen later

When and as I see myself reacting to having to be out of the house longer than I think I should because of work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the expectation of being out of the house for longer than intended only creates strain on the body, as my reaction uses physical resources, and so I commit myself to rather preserve my energy for my physical body and actions, and to not use it on the mind as an experience of a reaction. I commit myself to not have expectations about how my day will go if I'm busy out of the house before work, and rather walk breath by breath.

When and as I see myself wanting to do less within the days I work, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this want is based within a fear, and so I commit myself to stop living within/as fear, as having fear direct me and instead practice directing myself wherein I focus more on my breath, and my physical environment, and so my physical actions

When and as I see myself feeling trapped at work within an uncomfortable experience, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing I can do when I'm at work and feeling physically unstable except support myself to ground myself within my physical body and so I commit myself to in such moments, embrace the experience, as embracing what is here, and support myself with breathing, and grounding myself within my physical body - not fighting it or wishing I was somewhere else

I commit myself to stop resourcing my physical body to fuel the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions and rather practice on breathing throughout my day, grounding myself in my physical body - focusing on using my physical resources for physical living

I commit myself to test all ways in which I can support myself within this point to create a point of consistency wherein who I am on the days I work, and the days I don't work are the same - nothing changes except what I have to do during those days - I, as the WHO I AM, remain the same

I commit myself to stop resisting doing more during the days I work, and instead practice doing more within awareness, and so support myself to be HERE for/as myself within anything/all that I have to do

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 27 Nov 2016, 10:18

508: An Appalling Death

Today I was talking to a friend, and he was mentioning some kind of accident in his area, where a family of four died on a theme park ride. It was something like a freak accident, though the point he brought up was we seem to make such a big fuss about those kind of things - when someone dies in such an accident, yet people die every day, thousands of people every day from preventable things.

I could see how we may be more shocked or appalled at such deaths because they happen in a place where we basically pay to be entertained, and to fuel positive energy. It's suppose to be 'happy places' - so when something like death happens, it like shocks and appalls everyone.

Though what is more appalling is that we allow people to die every day just because they don't have the money to buy food, or clean water, or provide themselves with proper resources. The thing that is most appalling is that everyday people are neglected from having access to the basic needs, and the physical resources that are provided by the Earth in abundance for all - but because of our greed, our ignorance, our deliberate neglect of life, we are not appalled at such things. We simply accept is as the way of life.

So when someone dies on an amusement park ride, we are taken aback. But when thousands more die everyday because they lack the proper care from humanity, we brush it off; we don't even think twice. This is not to make light of people losing their lives at amusement parks in any way - this is simply a question of why aren't ALL deaths seen in an equal way?

Our priorities are all messed up. Time to correct this. Take notice of the things that happen every day, yet we brush under the rug. or look past, or don't give enough attention to. Then look at what gets our attention, our shock, our surprise, and our focus. Do these things really matter?

Death happens every day, and not just in the ways that make headline news. It happens everyday, even though it's preventable. That is more newsworthy than anything. And that is what should be catching, and keeping our attention - at least until we stop it. Because we can... we have the technology to give EVERYONE a dignified life. Not just for a few.

So don't be fooled by the attention grabbing, trending, celebrity gossip, or latest political buzz, or even the cute cat videos. These are all distractions. Focus on what matters. And we start by taking note about what matters in our life - prioritizing. Making sure we are giving the proper and attention to what matters in our day to day lives, and not just what keeps us busy and complacent.

The ignorance of the masses is the ignorance of the individual. And if we don't care, we can't expect anyone else to care. So be the change. Start with yourself. Live the example of Life that truly cares.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 29 Nov 2016, 09:17

509: Pushing Another to Improve before I Improve Myself

Today I noticed an experience within me in relation to another. I had in a way forced this person to stand in the shoes of someone they often complain about. In this particular moment, they were now in the same position, and so I suggested they act how they would like the one they complain about so much to act, now that they are in that position. So it was in a way getting someone to see who they are in the same position/responsibility, and to see if they would choose differently then what they've seen in another. If they would do it differently then how they've seen someone else do it, and clearly not be satisfied with.

I could tell they were not happy about it. I in a way felt guilty, like I pushed this person to do 'what is right', without them actually making the decision. When I look back at the moment now, I can see I was basically showing this person how they were now in the position to change, to correct the behavior they have seen, and disliked about another, when they are in that position/role. And suggested that they should be the one to show what is 'should' be like - how they would like it to be.

I see the guilt was because I was not totally clear in my suggestion to this person. Meaning - it was based in a reaction. I later could see, and asked myself, 'what if I was in that position, would I take advantage as these other two have?' And I can clearly see that yes, I would have. Perhaps not now, but who I've been in the past, and throughout my life, I would have absolutely taken advantage of such a position, where I basically get an 'easy ride', yet the same benefits of others even though they did more work.

So while the moment played out with this person I was speaking with, it really still comes back to me. Who am I in that position? And who am I in general at in this environment?

I notice that I have had a lot of conflict within me in relation to these particular people in my life. Sometimes it's not about them at all, meaning - it's more of me not taking responsibility for some aspects/areas of my life, and so I project blame unto them as me not taking self-responsibility, so there is just like an annoyance/irritation towards them. Other times though it's particular behaviors they participate in that act as a trigger for my own internal conflict/frustrations, and that is where I need to step it up.

What I wanted from this person was to take responsibility, and be the change... to live the example, as how they would like others to be. Because they always are upset with how this other person acts in a particular role, I said, "here you go... you are now in the same position, and if you don't do anything different from this other person, you have no more right to complain about it." Yet, I see that I have room for improvement myself. I still participate in certain behaviors that if I were to stop participating in, would be an example for others - a more supportive one, and would thus be the one that is doing things differently, and showing change.

So I see I have room to expand my application - of becoming a living example. It's easy to talk about how things should be different, but it comes down to whether you can actually live those words. Who are you in that same position/role/responsibility? Would you really do things differently than what you see in others? Are you really any different to those you complain about?

I definitely can change, and become more directive in myself when it comes to these particular people in my life, and how I interact and engage with them. I know I have not been living my utmost potential with them. That is my self-honesty, and that is where my responsibility is... it is not to force another to change, or be the change, or live the example. I must do that first myself. I must be the one to change, to live the example.


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