Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

520: Fed Up

Throughout the past six or so years, I have always been optimistic about humanity, and our relationship to ourselves, to this earth, and to the animal kingdom, to each other, to this existence as a whole... I saw there would be a change, eventually, perhaps slowly but surely. I never believed we would never not 'make it' or not change our ways... I saw potential. Recently I have seen less and less of this, and more of my own helplessness in relation to what this world and the mind of people has become. Though I realize I am not empowered in such a hopelessness and judgment and that I must focus on that which I do have the power within - which is me - to ensure I am doing/living/expressing everything I can in each possible moment to be the best version of me. I would only experience helplessness if I wasn't doing something to support myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless towards others and this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless for humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as there is no hope for humanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like there is nothing more of me to support in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fed up with this world and the people within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as though this world is too fucked up to ever change and is doomed on the path it walks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is no possible way I can transform myself in relation to others/this world as how i see it's fucked up-ness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe things are just the way they are and will never change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to write off certain people from my life as a point of blame - suggesting they are a problem, and removing them, I've removed the problem instead of realizing the problem is within me in terms of not yet effectively directing myself as my relationship with others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring through myself an understanding of why people are the way they are and why this world is the way it is as to support ME to continue walking and doing what I must do FOR ME to stand absolute responsible - equal to and one with this world as the very fucked up-ness I see

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace me as this fucked up world

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace me as the fucked up minds in this world

When and as I see myself reacting within/as hopeless, and helplessness towards people, and the world we've created, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this hopelessness/helplessness experience does nothing to empower me to stand within my own self-responsibility, and directive principle and so I commit myself to slow down in these moments, to allow myself to ground myself to/within/as my physical body, and to then see how I am able to direct myself in such moments of interaction with others that is a point that triggers within me a sense of hopelessness/helplessness

When and as I see myself defining this world as fucked up within an energy of anger and frustration, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my frustration comes from me not yet fully transforming WHO I AM in relation to others, and the world as it currently exists and so I commit myself to focus on the ME as who I am in moments with others, and within this world, as where I can actually empower and change myself to become more directive - with myself, and so with others

When and as I see myself blaming others and this world for being fucked up and thsu think there is no way humanity will ever change, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in such a point, I am resisting that which I see and experience with others, and so in this world and that in resisting it, I am allowing it to persist and so I commit myself to practice embracing the fucked up-ness of this world, as the minds of people, in realizing they are me - I am this world and the fucked up-ness 'without' is the fucked up-ness 'within' and so I commit myself to sort out my own inner fucked up-ness to ensure I never again accept and allow the atrocities I see existent within existence... and I commit myself to continue that process within/as myself.
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

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521: Dishonesty Dwells in the Mind

For today - the point of believing you are letting go of a relationship from the past, yet you actually aren't because you are still thinking and imagining things about them - as well as the dishonesty we dwell in when we say things in our minds to others that we would not say to their face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back chat about others in my life, imagining what I would say to them in various situations, or based in certain contexts - but stemming from one interaction with them that I then attempt to gain the upper hand/position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself by thinking I am letting go of a relationship/person in my life but then continue to hold on to them as back chat conversations in my mind about/towards them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by the mind, by myself, and others as abdicating one's responsibility and accountability for who one is and the actions of their lives

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go of old relationships/the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto past relationships despite them not being best for me, as an attempt to hold on to who I was in the past

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally embrace what is here as the present, as the people, as the circumstances, and work with that - as the actual reality rather than holding onto, and existing in the past of things that have already passed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say things to people within my mind when I'm not willing to say the same things to their face - yet justify the back chat as me being right... though we must beg the question... if I was so right wouldn't I say it directly to the person? Why do I rather hide within the mind behind the veil of self-righteousness?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within myself/my mind as me being right, but actually only dwelling in my own self-dishonesty because I would not dare say to people what I imagine saying to them within my mind

When and as I see myself telling myself I've let go of a relationship - but continue to allow thoughts and back chats about them/towards them within my mind, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that if I were actually letting go, I would not be allowing myself to entertain myself with thoughts about them and so I commit myself to stop all thoughts, and back chats that come up within my mind about particular relationships I am deciding to let go and simply let myself actually LIVE the letting go by releasing them from me as my mind

When and as I see myself imaging how and what I would say to others, based on a past moment with them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that majority of what I think I would never dare say to someone's face and thus is a self-dishonest act and so I commit myself to stop all dishonesty as the thoughts and back chats of my mind and rather stick to my real-time, breath by breath living - letting go of the attempt to be right in my mind, yet not right enough to say it out loud in the physical

I commit myself to get real, and stop thinking about others and instead worry about myself

I commit myself to let go of the toxic relationships within my life - not as a blame, but as a self-honoring - and creating what which I want in my life

I commit myself to stop allowing people to manipulate their way into my life and remove them if they do not stand as what is best for all

I commit myself to let die within me the memories I've attempted to hold onto that secure me in the past, and instead embrace the present - what is here, who I am, and where I am as THAT is where I can actually re-create myself from
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

522: The Company You Keep

I, for a long time, refused to give up a relationship because I believed due to me resisting it, I needed to keep it. But I was really only fooling myself. There were events, and moments that kept re-occurring, displaying the same red flags I refused to see as the glaring obvious... this person, this relationship is toxic and there is no valid reason to keep trying to sustain it.

Within myself, I felt nothing. There was no connection, no attachment. I had lived majority of my life without this person, and yet when they came back around, I believed I had something to learn. But despite the same behavior happening again, and again, I didn't allow myself to break the tie. I felt obligated, that if I were to end it, I would be lying to myself. But in keeping the relationship going, it created only more consequence. It became a shit show that if I would have rather simply walked through the ending of the relationship when I could see I wanted to because it was not best for me, and faced that uncomfortable experience, I would have never created the conflict, the resentments, and circumstances that scream to let it go, when really - I already had heard the whisper.

I was not being self honest - I was holding onto a morality. I was believing I was 'doing the right thing', and continuing to give the person the benefit of the doubt... but in time, you will come face to face with the truth of you, and others.

The truth of me was I was too forgiven in this relationship. I allowed myself to be manipulated, used, and taken advantage of. I used my time, energy, and resources to try to support another, even when they were not trying to help themselves. This should have been enough for me to realize.... You truly cannot help someone who doesn't help themselves.

There is nothing wrong with accepting that some people, and some relationships are not worth saving. There is no judgment in being able to assess whether people or relationships in your life are either supporting you to be better, or supporting you to be worse. It will either be a nurturing relationship, or a destructive one. And unfortunately I allowed it to continue despite it being destructive. Not only for myself, but for others as well.

And when you allow a toxic relationship to continue you enable the behavior of the other. You are not freeing them to face themselves, and their acceptances and allowance. At the same time, you are not freeing yourself from the beliefs in your mind as to why you justify keeping the relationship alive.

We are in a time of unpredictability. The minds of people are more and more uncertain, and the behavior less, and less directive of the person's best interest of themselves, or others. There is no reason to keep people around who are not willing to be self-responsible, self-supportive, or self-honest because if they are not able to be that with themselves, they sure as hell cannot be that for anyone else... including for you.

So do not bind yourself to morality of what is right and what is wrong... assess yourself, and your life, and your relationships within common sense as what is best for all. Ask yourself - am I afraid to let this relationship go? Does this relationship create more harm than good? Am I enabling the behavior of another that is destructive for them and myself? Do I think I will be a bad person for ending this relationship? Am I afraid I will be seen as a bad person? Do I fear their response to me ending the relationship?

It is time for us to be self honest... and to rid ourselves, and our life of that which no longer serves us, as what is best for ourselves. It is not based on righteousness - but on a stance within who one is, and what one will accept and allow within oneself. If you allow toxic people in your life, it is because you are allowing some toxic-ness within your own self. As within, so without.

So purify yourself, and your life, and your relationships. End the ones that are dead ends, and dare to walk alone if you must. At least then you know who you walk with, and you can trust because you will not accept and allow anything less than what is best for all.

That is my rant for this evening... we don't have time anymore to tolerate anything less than our utmost potential. Leave those that are not willing to walk with themselves in the same manner. We have a lot of work to do - and best to keep the company that will support you to transcend your limitations, rather than keeping you within them.
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

523: Self-Fulfilling Relationships

Part of letting go of relationships is not just about removing someone from your life, or stop thinking about them in your mind. For me I was 'thinking' I was holding onto a relationship, not letting it go, even though I wanted to because I kept having thoughts and imaginations about them... but what I was supported to see was that the activity in my mind in relation to other people, and my relationship with them, were parts of myself I had separated myself from. And they kept coming up for me to SEE ME.

I've understood for awhile that relationships are indeed mirrors of ourselves, but perhaps not effectively applying this knowledge within my own process. Relationships - both positive and negative, are parts of ourselves. Negative being where we suppress parts of ourselves, or deliberately hide from taking responsibility for, or haven't yet forgiven ourselves for... they actually exist within ourselves yet we are not willing to face it. So then we project onto others as blame, and have a negative reaction towards, those things we are not willing to see for ourselves, that actually exist within us... but we make it about others, when it fact it's always been about ourselves.

Positive relationships are where we see within another something we believe doesn't exist within ourselves, or that we could never express ourselves. So we 'like' others who represent parts of ourselves we have not yet allowed ourselves to develop, or expand within, and actually bring those characteristic or traits we like in others, back to ourselves and express them as ourselves.

So this I've understood, as a point of knowledge and information, though as of recently I have not been applying that knowledge. I in a way 'forgot' or didn't consider that I am here within all of this... bad relationships, or good ones are FOR ME to gift myself with in terms of getting to know myself, forgive myself, and complete myself through bringing things I like in others into myself/my expression, as well as acknowledging, and redefining/aligning those parts of myself I've denied/avoided to take responsibility for.

Currently I'm facing a 'toxic' relationship - and while I had previously written a blog about this particular relationship, and the negative reactions I had toward them, and how I resisted accepting what I saw in them were actually me, though I could see clearly it was. Now I find myself in the same position - though this time, there wasn't even the awareness that 'they are me' in terms of what I've been reacting to.

I must really slow myself down now and look at what it is I'm reacting to - what are the words I see are what I am defining 'them' as and the relationships as, and see where/how/when I have or am living it myself.

So that is what I've started to do. And I've made a decision within myself to take on this point more seriously - to look at the relationships of my past that still linger within my mind, where I find myself still wandering into old memories. Those memories, those wanderings are still coming up for a reason... there is something here for me to see, realize, and understand about myself. So I commit myself to work diligently with the relationships of my life to better get to know me, to forgive me, and to expand me.

It's quite easy to say a relationship is just bad, and walk away. It's a whole other thing to be able to take responsibility for that 'bad' you see in the relationship... and how you perhaps contributed to it's creation, and destruction yourself.

And so we continue...
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

524: Give Understanding a Chance

The other day I had a dream about someone from my past. In the dream, I eagerly went to them to say hello, and see how they have been. I attempted to relate to them by telling them about myself... but what I got from them was nothing. No interest at all - and the way I 'picked up' on the situation it was as if she was not impressed by me.

Recently I decided to take more seriously my dreams and my relationships throughout life as a point of self-expansion in getting to know ME... and here is a great example of the very gift of dreams, and relationships.

Instead of seeing this girl as someone else within the dream, I instead stand as her. And what I was seeing within her was this point of not being impressed by me... disinterested, and almost like I was wasting her time. So now I have a look... have I done this to others before? Does this point exist within me?

I can in fact see it does... many times I've come to judge people oh so fast, and within me the experience is of not being impressed, of them being stupid, or ignorant, or simply just someone I saw myself as better than, and so not worth my time.

And so the following is the self-forgiveness in relation to this point... in bringing it back to ME, what I saw within another, in my dream..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others not liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think others don't like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like other people and so fear someone not liking me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on their words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on their actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those I judge as not worth my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others I define as not worth my time as a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think any time in life can be wasted, instead of realizing others don't waste my time... I allow my time to be wasted based upon who I am in such a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make snap assumptions about people and judge who they are based on my assumptions which is actually seen through the filter of my own mind and thus I am only seeing me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as better than others who I judge as bad people, or lazy, or ignorant or a waste of my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to think I know who people are based on my own minds judgments of them which are usually made as first impressions without actually getting to know them or know the life they have lived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people first before I allow myself to understand people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on how they look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people based on what they wear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on what I wear

I forgive myself that i have not yet seen, realized, and understood that that which I judge of others, I judge of myself as well and thus if I were to stop all judgments towards myself, judgement towards others would not exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe some people are better than others and that is just the way it is in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think other people I judge are not impressive as if they must impress me to be in my good judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think others must impress me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be humble in realizing no one needs to impress anyone - all are equal in their value as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I must impress others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down at others I think are stupid or ignorant, in which I'm not impressed by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the teachings that you judge first, and understand only later - if ever

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider understanding people first, before I allow any kind of judgment as that is what I would like done unto me - understand me first before you judge me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that everyone I judge because they are not me and I have been designed with a mind that judges first, and makes me right always and thus the root of the problem within humanity - our self-interest, and self-righteousness that does not considering standing equal with others

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see I cannot understand that which I judge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe people do not deserve my understanding instead of realizing if the tables were turned, I wold want others to understand me first before they judge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I have a right to judge others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself excuses to justify judging others instead of realizing it is NEVER acceptable nor justified... "judge not lest ye be judged." And as I give, I receive. And this world is a product of our judgments and so I stop judgments here and give understanding a chance

When and as I see myself making snap judgments and assumptions about others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my first impressions are only seen through my own mind's filter and so it is actually me I am seeing and so I commit myself to take responsibility in those moments to actually SEE ME as that which I'm judging in others and so realize that if I'm judging others I am judging myself

I commit myself to stop judging myself

When and as I see myself judging others for the way they look, or how they dress, or how they speak or behave, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that we as humans are bred to judge and this world is made up of our accumulated judgments and so I commit myself to instead of perpetuating the old, create something new as rather standing in a point of understanding... understanding why people are the way they are, they they say what they do, why they believe what they believe, why they act the way they act... doing unto others as I would like them to do unto me... understand rather than judge

When and as I see myself wanting to impress others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such acceptance and allowance implies I must get others approval and acceptance, and within that... implying I will place the same standards on others as they must impress me and so I commit myself to end the game within me... not needing to impress anyone and not needing anyone to impress me and instead allow each life to express as it is, and within that understanding WHY and HOW each express the way they do. Understanding the life that's been lived, the environment in which it nurtured such people, and the other minds' that helped develop those that I meet and have judged

I commit myself to end all judgments of right/wrong, good/bad within me

I commit myself to give understanding a change
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

525: The Comedy in My Complaining

Within me there is a point of frustration projected toward some people in my reality. They often complain about other's in our reality, in a way of reactions and without any real solution. They just complain to complain and validate their position of being right, and the others being wrong.

My frustration is when I see another way - that complaining is not in fact constructive, and does nothing to change anything. It only fuels our idea that we are justified in our experience. I have suggested to those that come to me complaining to take their words to those they are speaking about... to suggest to them another way, or show them how they can change the situation, and so not remain within the frustration experience. Though it is often laid upon deaf ears and here is where my frustration comes in.

They are not willing to hear solutions. They don't actually want to change anything. They just want to complain to anyone who will give them the space to regurgitate what's already come up in their minds as back chats. And I don't like being the one that allows such a space.

I don't think complaining is constructive, and I see other solutions.

Though... here's the kicker.

Often what happens is I'm in such a situation, and while I have made suggestions for them to speak directly to those they have a problem with... I have YET to do that myself. I do not say to them - hey, I notice you complain a lot about this and that... have you considered trying this? Or have you considered to that? I have in no way been direct about what I see as the problem, speaking directly to the source, and how I see it can be changed. What I have done however is gone home to my partner and tell him all about these people who just bitch and moan and do nothing to change it.

lol - you see how that's funny, right?

I am doing the EXACT same thing I am oh so frustrated with others about. Instead of being DIRECT with them, I go home and talk about it to someone who has nothing to do with it, nor can do anything about it. I mean c'mon - that's comical.

So I see here a point of reflection... a mirror of self in another. I need to BE the EXAMPLE of what I am wanting others to Be. I need to speak direct, show them the problem, THEN offer a solution, and show them HOW to change.

I want others to realize they cannot expect someone to do something different if they've never learned how, and so I should realize the same.... I cannot expect those that complain to all of a sudden change just because I have learned another way. I must show them another way. They too must learn.

Just like a baby doesn't come out walking and talking... it's a process of learning, and developing. And so in my desire for others to be more understanding with those that 'don't know', and to be an example for them, instead of perpetuating a dis-empowered position of complaining, I too must be more understanding with those that 'don't know', and see where and how I can empower myself to be more direct, more communicative, and more of an example of a solution.

This is a wonderful example for me to see how others are a reflection of self, and how self can learn more about where one is accepting and allowing limitations, and fears within themselves when they are self-honest and responsible for what they see in others.

So I will continue opening up within this point in blogs to come... looking closer at WHY I have not yet spoken directly to those that complain, and offered real solutions.

Thanks for reading.
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

526: To Be Liked or to Be Life - That is the Question

One of the dimensions I could see from the previous blog - in relation to not speaking more direct with others - is a fear of someone reacting negatively to me if I were to speak direct about what I see, and the programming in which most are enslaved as the idea that we must sugar coat things. That we cannot possibly say something that might cause someone to feel anything other than satisfied and right within who they are... that we must protect each other's ego. At least for me I can see this has been an acceptance within myself, my family, and my friends. We sugar coat things, say things to make someone feel better, we never push each other for self-honesty, and self-responsibility - even if that means we start to see the reality of ourselves and pop the bubble of delusion so many of us exist within wherein we are always right, the victim, and someone else is to blame.

I realize that it's more important to stand and express what is best for all (myself included), then to have someone like or accept me. Liking someone has no weight in the consideration of life in equality and oneness. It's not about liking - it's about what is best for all. It's about self-honesty, about self-responsibility, about who one is in relation to all of life and whether that one point stands in honoring life, or disregarding it.

To me - the fact that we sugar coat our communication to not hurt or upset someone is why gossip exists. We cannot say straight to someone's face what we are really thinking - whether it's a valid observation or not. We rather go behind their back and talk to someone else about it because that way - we are not challenged. We are not pushed to be self honest. We can hide out in our self-righteousness and the ego of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being more direct with people in what I see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone lashing out and turning their anger towards me, and blaming me for being direct in what I see through communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea that we cannot be direct with each other, and must sugar coat what we say to each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume someone will just react if I speak to them direct in what I see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear someone not liking me because of speaking direct to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more and give more value to someone liking me than what is best for all... and what is best for all is to not sugar coat things that only validate each other's ego/idea of self and instead shatter the ego/idea of self that does not consider life in equality as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being the focus of someone's hate and anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in how I communicate with others as a fear of that other's will reject me if I speak to them directly about what I see... bases on the idea that we must protect each other's feelings as if they are real instead of realizing that the raw, brutal self-honesty of each one is where each one must go to ultimately free themselves form the enslavement of ego in which self-interest is preserved, and what is best for all is denied

When and as I see myself fearing being direct about what I see, and hesitating to speak to others about it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear is based on an idea that someone could get upset and turn 'against me' and here I realize whether they do or not is not up to me, but who I am remains and the principle of what is best for all remains and so I commit myself to stop allowing fear to direct me, and others being upset with me direct me and instead I commit to direct me within what is best for all and that is not suppressing myself through fear or ideas of the mind and to rather speak what is here, express what is here, within the starting point of my own self-honesty

When and as I see myself fearing others not liking me because I may speak direct to them, and they wont like it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a fear is based in the value of someone liking me more than what is best for all and I realize that that is not in fact accurate as a valid point within me - I commit myself to thus give more value and attention to that which is best for all - consideration of life in equality wherein we do not allow fear or gossip or frustrations to be projected outward onto others as blame, and instead stand self-responsible within who one is and as what one can contribute to the betterment of life - from the small to the great

When and as I see myself sugar coating my communication with others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this serves no one and actually is a disservice to humanity as currently humanity is trapped within the ego of self as consciousness wherein we want to be validated and accepted for who we think we are, never challenged or questioned, but simply accepted without investigating who we are and how we've come to be who we are. I commit myself to thus challenge myself, and others, to see who one is in the face of self-honesty - in asking ourselves why we do not consider life equally, why we would gossip and blame each other, why we would talk behind each others backs, why we do not do unto others as we would have done to ourselves, why we remain in problems instead of offering solutions. I commit myself to challenge and question consciousness as I see what it currently exists as does not serve what is best for all and so I also commit myself to be of service to life in equality and oneness in speaking direct about what I see, not suppressing or hiding but laying it out before all so that we can come face to face with who we've accepted and allowed ourselves to be and thus start changing it into one that considers life in equality and oneness as what is best for all
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

527: Stuck in a Schedule

Today when my partner came home from work, he had a lot to say about his day. I was actually ready to do something else, and as he began talking, I became annoyed.

I felt stuck, and forced to listen to him. To me - this is like not being flexible in reality - as things come up, allow yourself to embrace it. Rather I was stuck in the want to continue with my day's schedule, not wanting to stop in that moment, and be here with him, but to rather keep moving.

So I was annoyed, but let him continue talking. I was not in a position to support, as he was talking about a decision he had to make with work, and the various dimensions he sees within each potential route, but I was just wanting to move on and continue on with what I was doing. So I was distracted, and not allowing myself to fully hear because I was not HERE - I was in my mind within an energetic experience.

This is not fair - and not being open to 'what is here'. I was rather remaining rigid and stubborn in not allowing myself to see an opportunity to in that moment embrace my partner, embrace me as a point of support for him, and embrace our communication in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so rigid in wanting to keep to a schedule that I will not allow myself to stop for a moment if something else comes up in my reality - a momentary pause, or other direction to go into, even for just a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re-decide in that moment of embracing a new moment with my partner telling me about his day, and rather want to keep moving within an already established decision of what I was going to do in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be flexible in my day wherein if something comes up, I allow myself to move with it, rather than resisting it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner in that moment of wanting to not stop and listen to what he had to say, as 'forcing' me to sit there and listen instead of realizing I was enforcing within myself a point of not being flexible, and flowing with the moments as they arise - realizing you cannot always 'stick to the plan' - but rather go with the flow as things come up and require your attention

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace my partner as he comes to me to share with me himself, and his day and rather resist it as I was too concerned and focused on myself/what I was doing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down in those moments where I want to keep moving, but reality offers another direction to stop for moment and see what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to listen to partner in that moment as not wanting to support because I was already within my mind doing something else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live rigid rather than flowing during my days when it comes to my schedule

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to do that which I resist, which in this moment, I was resisting stopping and hearing my partner - being HERE with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give time or attention to that which approach me in my reality, and instead try to push it away due to me only considering ME and MY TIME and what I wanted to do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider my partner, as doing to him what I would have done unto myself, and perhaps that was listen to him in that moment... to embrace him and his words and his expression, and not allow my wants and needs get in the way of how I can support and engage with another

When and as I see myself resisting to listen to my partner due to wanting to be doing something else, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is due to me existing within my mind as a future projection of some other project or action I could do, and not being HERE to HEAR what is directly in front of me as my actual reality and so I commit myself to pay more attention to what is here as the physical reality rather than my future projections of the mind as images of me doing something else

When and as I see myself becoming annoyed or blaming my partner for interrupting my schedule, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that he is not to blame, and is simply a point of support tin showing me perhaps to take a moment, slow down, ensure I am HERE with actual reality, and not running along within my mind as the tasks I think I must do and so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in moments wherein reality shows another way/direction than the one I decided upon already within my mind - to allow myself to flow and move with reality rather than become rigid and stubborn in NEEDING to play out the ideas already from my mind

When and as I see myself not hearing my partner when he speaks to me, because I am not HERE but instead distracted by some energetic reaction in the mind, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that here I can apply the principle of do unto another as I would have done unto me and what I would like from my partner if I were in his shoes is someone to hear me, and listen and engage and not be distracted within the mind by some reaction. And so I commit myself to practice grounding myself in such moments to consider others in my reality, and to not only think of myself or what I want to be doing but to give others the opportunity to express and me to be here with them
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

528: Walking with Awareness

Today I was reading a group discussion in relation to stress. One of the points brought up was regarding the experience of rushing/fastness when one is stressed. That then brought up the point of the speed in which one walks.

I have for a long time been a fast walker. Generally I must slow down with certain people. Within me there is this 'I'm already steps ahead of you', and I have to literally hold myself back. I have often dubbed this up to being in the service industry most of my adult life and so simply through needing to move fast while at work, this spilled over into my every day life when I'm walking.

I have never really taken any time to look at this point though, so that is why I wanted to write a blog about it - to bring some awareness to myself as I walk, and to see if I can deliberately slow myself down. Within that, I can investigate the experience of slowing down - if there are any thoughts/reactions to slowing down. And in that, can forgive any points that do not support me to slow down, be here, and walk within awareness.

Already I can see that I like to walk with a purpose... or at least that is how I have come to see it. It's interesting though that this point would open up for me now, as I just started a book by one of my favorite authors, Paulo Coelho, and in it (The Pilgrimage) he describes exercises he's taught on a walk - the Road to Santiago, wherein they practice for 20 min every day slowing down the speed of the walk by half so that the focus is not about getting to your destination, but to be here, aware, and engaging with what's around you.

So I will take this as an opportunity to slow myself down - physically - in my walk, and as my journey. I have come to see that physical behavior influence the thoughts I have, and so the experience of myself, just like the thoughts I have can influence the physical behavior. So whether we are changing our thoughts, or our body - both are an equal opportunity to become self-directive.

One example of this is where I was supported to change my physical posture - and within practicing that, standing up straighter, opening up my chest, I could see all sorts of reactions that I still am walking through today. And so changing the pace in which I walk, and establishing a self-directive within it, I'm sure will open up more flood gates as thought patterns ingrained in my physical body. It's amazing and actually a cool reference point I never really saw or considered before this moment... when changing our physical behavior, we can unleash and unlock physically ingrained patterns we've developed and participated in throughout times. How cool is that... simply change your physical stance in some moment and see what reveals itself. Your body, just like your mind, here to assist and support you in getting to know yourself as who you've created, accepted and allowed yourself to be.

I suggest anyone else wanting to see the gift that is the physical, and the trappings of the mind - take one physical behavior, like how you old your hands, or how you are postured, or how fast or slow you walk, and deliberately change it... see what the mind reveals to you about you!

I will share my findings in blogs to come!
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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

529: Awareness within the Automated Body

Following up from yesterday's blog, I was talking about this point of walking, and how I've come to walk quite fast in my life. I can see this has been developed through the type of work I do, yet it had spilled over into my every day life, when I'm simply out and about walking around - I am speeding.

So I can see that walking fast has a purpose in a specific context, but I am interested in seeing who I am as slowing down within my walking. As I mentioned, I will share my findings and experiences as I apply it, for now though, self-forgiveness on the lack of questioning and self-direction when walking:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fast walk without awareness - without ever questioning it but simply allowing a habit to take over apparently without my directive decision

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down when walking when there is no purpose to walk fast, except to automatically live out habits from work

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever question myself when I am speed walking throughout my day when out and about, but simply to accept it as 'who I am' or 'how I walk'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept such a stance in everything I do - not questioning myself as the origin of the patterns and physical behaviors I've come to create as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider slowing down when walking as a point of not getting to my destination, but to enjoy the journey

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perhaps miss moments of breath/being here when I walk fast through life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people when they are slow walking as 'in the way' and 'ignorant' to people around them - when I'm in fact the one ignorant to people and things as my environment around me when I am rushing through walking and thus in the way of my own awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet utilize the full potential of my psychical body such as the ability it has to reveal to me programmed mind patterns that are unlocked and unleashed when/as I apply a change in my physical body/movement/behavior that is a stray of it's automation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how my physical body doesn't move just because... there is a source, a reason, an origin point in my life wherein I developed quite specifically how and why I move myself the way I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain unaware of each and every single physical movement I make within/as my physical body - not seeing the whole reality existent as to why I move the way I do

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to slow myself down enough to start questioning and seeing the purpose of each physical movement as what it is revealing about me, about who I am as thought, word, and deed - to see what is exactly here as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the reality that is here as my mind and how it influence my psychical body and how it is revealed in my the movements I make in EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of breath

When and as I see myself walking fast outside of work, where walking fast is not necessary, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are times when walking fast is necessary, though not in all moments and so I commit myself to start slowing down the speed of my walk as a point of awareness, of directive principle to see what exists within the automation of walking fast as the process of getting to know myself better

I commit myself to reveal to myself different mind patterns existent within my physical body through deliberately changing my physical behavior - the way I stand, the speed of my walk, how I sit, where I put my hands - testing and playing with various ways in which I can see who I am when I change my physical body from what I normally/automatically do

I commit myself to investigate the origins of my physical behavior as to why I do what I do, in those moments when it seems most naturally, or automatic, to start uncovering the layers of the mind in the physical

I commit myself to get to know the reality within me I have yet to allow myself to be aware of yet which is existent within the physical body - in how I move, hold myself, and stand

I commit myself to walk the process of correcting my physical behavior as daring to stand, walk, place myself in physical positions I'm not use to, or that I don't normally do as a point of seeing who I am in the change, of getting to know myself better, and to expand the potential here within/as my physical body - releasing myself form the constraints of the mind patterns that has formed and shaped and moved me as my body
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