Day 161 - Stability in the Eye of the Storm
In the previous blog I shared myself in a way that I have not shared in quite some time – and I am noticing how distant I have been even within my own writing and self-support of late and slowly I am beginning to see and realize the extent to which I have allowed myself to fall into a point of “automation” where a great majority of my awareness within my days is actually running on a kind of “autopilot” and there is a constant noise of backchats and internal conversations and emotions/feelings that over time seemed to “blend” into a familiar ambience where I would simply drift along and going through the motions of “living” from day to day – allowing myself to be carried by the constant but seemingly stable waves of energy in the form of thoughts and patterned behaviors that I had made “routine”.
In self-honesty I have indeed been away from “myself” in many regards and have neglected a great deal of my own awareness and for a long period in the past year I wanted to just “drift” away and fade from having to stand and having to take responsibility and having to face the conflicts and turmoil that had accumulated during a period in my life where things were very unstable and I myself was very unstable, and within this all I had not established a point of self-support and self-stability that was strong enough to be a foundation point upon which I would be able to anchor myself in the face of all of the things that were coming up for me – all of the losses and pains of relationships gone “bad” and of issues within my financial situations and of obligations and stresses within having debts and having to survive in the world without much in the way of financial support from family or having a point in my life that I could really turn to and lean on that would stand as a point of unconditional support/security when I needed it.
Thought to be perfectly clear those events in my life are not excuses for what I had allowed myself to participate in – and when I say that I did not have a point in my life that I could turn to and lean on for support this is not to say I was in any way impoverished or without support or without beings in my life that were in fact supporting me – but at that point in my life I did not see them as the support that I see them as now because my experience within myself was so charged up with thoughts and emotions and frustrations that I did not consider that the events and relationships of my life were attempting to show me something of myself that I was not willing to admit or face – and the more I struggled and the more I held fast to my own ways and habits and patterns of living and the more I tried to keep myself “in control” the less control I actually had in my world and in my relationships.
Within this I was always “aware” that this is not who I actually am and that I could stop if I really pushed and really committed myself to – but more often than not the energy that I had allowed myself to accumulate and the way that I would always justify that I am too “busy” with working and fitting in with the “normal world” and trying to maintain a point of stability through doing what I could to keep an income as well as maintain relationships and trying to establish within my external world some sense of “stability” and “calm” that I so desperately felt separated from – and so for an extended period of time I allowed myself to do the bare minimum – do “get by” so that I could “fight another day” – so that I could eventually accumulate enough money or eventually have enough stability within a relationship or eventually manage to come to a more supportive environment or living situation if only I could just “hang on” and “not lose control” and just keep myself just stable enough to keep going.
But what I was missing within this was how much I was misplacing myself and dividing myself into all manner of personalities and backchats and feelings that were not being sorted out or brought to a definite and clear solution in my actual world and how over time this would lead to me becoming very diminished in terms of my self-integrity and self-directiveness and how I would eventually settle into a routine of just “getting by” and not being a direct participant of my own world – where I allowed myself to feel so “drained” and “tired” and just wanted to fade away and let the world move on while I “rest”. Within this the world did pass me by – as well as many opportunities and many relationships that could have been nurtured and developed and strengthened – and as for the “rest” that I wanted – I only found myself in situations that were more compromising and more “tiring” than before.
I reasoned that things could not “get worse than this” and that I was at least close to hitting “rock bottom” and then it would just be a matter of finally being able to at least “rest”.
It would be later on that I would see and rediscover that within all of this time I had every opportunity to “turn things around” for myself and my living and my relationships – and that one of the reasons for why I would tend to fall and not push myself through into change was that I was constantly unsatisfied with myself and I was impatient within walking through the consequences that I had already manifested for myself – and within having a prolonged relationship within myself of feeling “trapped” and “powerless” and unable to direct or control my life that began from experiences I had during my childhood – I focused on trying to find a point of trust – a point of stability – a point of security in my world and when I did not experience this point of stability or security I would not move – I would be too afraid to make decisions or take actions within my world and my relationships and I did not trust that there was already within me the strength to change and assert myself and that I would be okay if I took a risk or pushed myself beyond my comfort zone.
It would not be until just recently that this particular timeline would come to a point of transformation – a point where all of this pent up and suppressed energy would be given just enough of a “push” to go over the edge and for me to have had just about ENOUGH of falling and allowing myself to get caught up in the storms of my own feelings and emotions and reactions – to in a moment be able to make a decision that would reveal to me that the thing that I had for so long searched for and waited for was always RIGHT HERE – literally in front of my face – the entire time.
Now obviously there was a lot of reactions within this and moments of “How could I have been so blind? How could I have allowed so much pain and consequence and so many missed opportunities to redefine myself and develop relationships of REAL support and intimacy?” – and there was for a few days quite a “storm” within me which I shared in detail in my previous post – but it was here as I made the decision to place myself squarely in the center of the storm and watched the multitude of reactions and regrets and emotions and justifications rising within me – and then decided within myself that I would no more fear or judge or run away from this storm that I have been fearing for so many years to face directly – that I really was “tired” and no longer wanting to see yet again my world and my relationships have to “collapse” and have to rebuild – it was here in this moment that I saw the “Little Light” – which wasn’t so much a “light” that I saw with my eyes or anything mystical like that – it was more an awareness – a presence of stillness that throughout the “storm” that was churning did not move – did not judge – did not flinch – as though it was…. Could it be?... STABLE and SECURE even in the face of the things that I had been suppressing and running from for years for the very purpose of wanting to FIND a point of stability and security in my life.
This point within me – this awareness – this strength that is so quiet, so still, so patient, so unmoving eluded my attention within my life for so long because it DIDN’T MOVE – meaning it was not affected or in the slightest afraid of the storm within me, let alone all of the moments in my life that I had been going from one point of automated living to another – going from one emotion to another – always moving and always reacting to my own movements without slowing down long enough to catch a glimpse of this “little light” – this tiny point of self-stability.
And as I allowed myself to look at and face the fears and regrets and the emotions and the memories of my life in the past years – and having to face the reality that it is in fact TOO LATE to change what has been done and having only this moment of my life here and now to correct myself and walk through the “damage” I have caused and that I would have to live with this responsibility for the rest of my life - what kept me stable was the realization that this little point of stability – this tiny little “spark” of life that seemed so insignificant and unmoving – showed me the key to myself and showed me that even in the face of consequence I do not require to react or go into fear or judgment – that it is not so scary and that I do not have to ever flinch in the presence of energy or of consequence – and that in understanding and observing and in a way ACCEPTING the storms and the consequences I am able to CHANGE it when I no longer fear to stand within it.
There is much that I have to share in terms of the various dimensions this realization has shown me – and there is still the process of now applying this in a way that is practical and consistent in my actual physical world where I must still walk through the manifested consequences of my living – but in now seeing this proof that I am in fact able to stand within any storm and not go into judgment or reaction when things get “ugly” – I commit myself again to the original point that began my Journey to Life so many years ago when I first discovered Desteni and the message that it brought with a renewed sense of self-stability and self-security.
In the posts to follow I will share more of what I have been able to integrate and change in terms of my relationship to my own points in the short few days that I have been working with this point of the “little light” and the effect that this has had on my ability to move through points without energy much quicker than I had been before, and what I am seeing/realizing within that – and how this “little light” is actually a spark that is within us all – which I say because it exists within me – and what this may imply about the actual potential that we have to CHANGE this world and the various storms and ugliness that must be faced if we are to come to the point of stability and security within ourselves as well as within the world we share.
- See more at: http://joesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2 ... 3KceF.dpuf