Joe's Journey to Life

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 11 Nov 2013, 12:45

Day 160 - This Little Light of Mine

Recently an event occurred in my life that caused quite a “shock” within me – and in the beginning I experienced myself as being “crushed” as though the wind were knocked out of my lungs and a rush of many emotions and feelings and reactions came up within me. Here I supported myself in the moment with breathing and remaining aware of my presence, my voice, and not allowing myself to be directed by all of the energy I was experiencing inside of myself that had quite “suddenly” become a storm.

I would spend that evening and the following day looking at this experience and breathing through the storms that would occasionally rise up within me and it was fascinating how this brewing storm of energy within me can be observed.

In the very beginning of it – it all felt quite intense. Something that I had put a great deal of thoughts and emotions and feelings and imaginations and future projections into was now no longer going to be an avenue that was open to me – and in one moment I faced the collapse of everything I had “invested” of myself as thoughts, emotions, memories, and all manner of unspoken things and had to realize that there will not be any release point for all of this – there will not be the opportunity to walk through and face all of this in my reality the way that I had thought I may one day in the future.

One by one there would be waves of memories, emotions, regrets, and experiences that ranged from “loss” and “sadness” to ideas that I have had about myself that I over time stopped questioning and stopped investigating and just “got used to” – but in the “wake” of the sudden event in my life and the sudden rush of emotions and experiences and memories that so quickly became a storm that was churning inside of me, I decided to do something that I had never done before – I decided to not be afraid of it – I decided to write it all out and not fear what this storm and these waves of emotions and memories and reactions were showing me and I also decided that I wasn’t going to let myself go into judgment or allow myself to be “caught” into the storm and be tossed around in its gale winds and high tides.

I began with making sure that I was aware of my breathing and using that as an “anchor” point – and from there as the points/memories/experiences/emotions would come up from within the storm I would breathe through the temptation to go “into” the memory or emotion or experience, and I would write it down and not judge what was coming up.

Even in doing this I already began to notice something – that this storm was always in me – that this storm IS me from the perspective that I simply had not been aware of it and did not “see” it because it had been brewing in layers here and there within myself and was always in the “background” of my thoughts and feelings – things that I had held on to or filed away to deal with “later” that I could see went as far back as a year ago – and as long as things were relatively the same – as long as nothing unexpected happened – everything could stay within the cover of the “background”.

But now that this unexpected event had come and the familiarity of my internal horizon changed – and my world, my plans, my relationships, my ideas of myself were no longer safely anchored into the positions that they had grown into within me – the sudden change created this experience of the “storm” where all that I had stored up inside of me in regards to this one point was “shook up” and in the turmoil of it all I saw how much I had allowed myself to put off – how much I allowed myself to ignore the small things here and there and the problems that I judged as not being important enough for me to investigate or deal with immediately – and how much of myself I had “misplaced” within the past months – and while I was aware that this was quite an “event” within myself I still kept breathing and simply writing it out and not allowing myself to react or fear or participate in trying to control or direct the storm.

A very fascinating thing within this was that after I breathed through the initial impact of the storm over the span two days and wrote out the pictures and emotions and memories and reactions and thoughts that would bubble up to the surface of my awareness, placed them into a small mind construct and applied self-forgiveness for having participated in the thoughts and patterns and behaviors that accumulated to this storm – and here as I began to see that I in fact do not have to judge or punish myself and do not have to be “caught up” in the storm but can stand stable within myself and see that this storm is my own creation, my own consequence, is my own living and yet I am able to stand WITHIN it and not BE it – I saw in one moment an opportunity to give myself back to myself – to stand as stability and gentleness and point by point bring the storm to a calm – and as I did this I realized how much of myself that I have given into emotions and frustrations and angers over the last year of my life and how much I have isolated myself and allowed things to slip into the “background” and accumulate while I was struggling to keep the storm “under control” instead of daring to stand within it all – and what negative consequences this has had for me and the relationships that would be part of my life.

But this is not a “sad” story – because a very remarkable thing happened within this experience – I got to re-unite with a part of myself that I had in a very long time neglected. As the various personalities and emotions and hang-ups and suppressions I had built up over the past year hung in temporary suspension within the storm I was standing within – I saw a point that stood very still – and there was a comfort and understanding and a quiet strength within this seemingly very tiny point that never once flinched at anything that I was facing or bringing up – and this one point is what I call my “little light” and it would be a key to insights that I had not dared to show myself or take responsibility for.

I will continue more with this “little light” of mine in posts to follow and share what I was able to do for myself that I had for a VERY long time thought impossible and actually MADE impossible for myself had it not been for this fortunate “storm” and sudden collapse within me that lead me to discover this key to myself
- See more at: ... BvgtM.dpuf

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 12 Nov 2013, 09:46

Day 161 - Stability in the Eye of the Storm

In the previous blog I shared myself in a way that I have not shared in quite some time – and I am noticing how distant I have been even within my own writing and self-support of late and slowly I am beginning to see and realize the extent to which I have allowed myself to fall into a point of “automation” where a great majority of my awareness within my days is actually running on a kind of “autopilot” and there is a constant noise of backchats and internal conversations and emotions/feelings that over time seemed to “blend” into a familiar ambience where I would simply drift along and going through the motions of “living” from day to day – allowing myself to be carried by the constant but seemingly stable waves of energy in the form of thoughts and patterned behaviors that I had made “routine”.

In self-honesty I have indeed been away from “myself” in many regards and have neglected a great deal of my own awareness and for a long period in the past year I wanted to just “drift” away and fade from having to stand and having to take responsibility and having to face the conflicts and turmoil that had accumulated during a period in my life where things were very unstable and I myself was very unstable, and within this all I had not established a point of self-support and self-stability that was strong enough to be a foundation point upon which I would be able to anchor myself in the face of all of the things that were coming up for me – all of the losses and pains of relationships gone “bad” and of issues within my financial situations and of obligations and stresses within having debts and having to survive in the world without much in the way of financial support from family or having a point in my life that I could really turn to and lean on that would stand as a point of unconditional support/security when I needed it.

Thought to be perfectly clear those events in my life are not excuses for what I had allowed myself to participate in – and when I say that I did not have a point in my life that I could turn to and lean on for support this is not to say I was in any way impoverished or without support or without beings in my life that were in fact supporting me – but at that point in my life I did not see them as the support that I see them as now because my experience within myself was so charged up with thoughts and emotions and frustrations that I did not consider that the events and relationships of my life were attempting to show me something of myself that I was not willing to admit or face – and the more I struggled and the more I held fast to my own ways and habits and patterns of living and the more I tried to keep myself “in control” the less control I actually had in my world and in my relationships.
Within this I was always “aware” that this is not who I actually am and that I could stop if I really pushed and really committed myself to – but more often than not the energy that I had allowed myself to accumulate and the way that I would always justify that I am too “busy” with working and fitting in with the “normal world” and trying to maintain a point of stability through doing what I could to keep an income as well as maintain relationships and trying to establish within my external world some sense of “stability” and “calm” that I so desperately felt separated from – and so for an extended period of time I allowed myself to do the bare minimum – do “get by” so that I could “fight another day” – so that I could eventually accumulate enough money or eventually have enough stability within a relationship or eventually manage to come to a more supportive environment or living situation if only I could just “hang on” and “not lose control” and just keep myself just stable enough to keep going.

But what I was missing within this was how much I was misplacing myself and dividing myself into all manner of personalities and backchats and feelings that were not being sorted out or brought to a definite and clear solution in my actual world and how over time this would lead to me becoming very diminished in terms of my self-integrity and self-directiveness and how I would eventually settle into a routine of just “getting by” and not being a direct participant of my own world – where I allowed myself to feel so “drained” and “tired” and just wanted to fade away and let the world move on while I “rest”. Within this the world did pass me by – as well as many opportunities and many relationships that could have been nurtured and developed and strengthened – and as for the “rest” that I wanted – I only found myself in situations that were more compromising and more “tiring” than before.

I reasoned that things could not “get worse than this” and that I was at least close to hitting “rock bottom” and then it would just be a matter of finally being able to at least “rest”.
It would be later on that I would see and rediscover that within all of this time I had every opportunity to “turn things around” for myself and my living and my relationships – and that one of the reasons for why I would tend to fall and not push myself through into change was that I was constantly unsatisfied with myself and I was impatient within walking through the consequences that I had already manifested for myself – and within having a prolonged relationship within myself of feeling “trapped” and “powerless” and unable to direct or control my life that began from experiences I had during my childhood – I focused on trying to find a point of trust – a point of stability – a point of security in my world and when I did not experience this point of stability or security I would not move – I would be too afraid to make decisions or take actions within my world and my relationships and I did not trust that there was already within me the strength to change and assert myself and that I would be okay if I took a risk or pushed myself beyond my comfort zone.

It would not be until just recently that this particular timeline would come to a point of transformation – a point where all of this pent up and suppressed energy would be given just enough of a “push” to go over the edge and for me to have had just about ENOUGH of falling and allowing myself to get caught up in the storms of my own feelings and emotions and reactions – to in a moment be able to make a decision that would reveal to me that the thing that I had for so long searched for and waited for was always RIGHT HERE – literally in front of my face – the entire time.

Now obviously there was a lot of reactions within this and moments of “How could I have been so blind? How could I have allowed so much pain and consequence and so many missed opportunities to redefine myself and develop relationships of REAL support and intimacy?” – and there was for a few days quite a “storm” within me which I shared in detail in my previous post – but it was here as I made the decision to place myself squarely in the center of the storm and watched the multitude of reactions and regrets and emotions and justifications rising within me – and then decided within myself that I would no more fear or judge or run away from this storm that I have been fearing for so many years to face directly – that I really was “tired” and no longer wanting to see yet again my world and my relationships have to “collapse” and have to rebuild – it was here in this moment that I saw the “Little Light” – which wasn’t so much a “light” that I saw with my eyes or anything mystical like that – it was more an awareness – a presence of stillness that throughout the “storm” that was churning did not move – did not judge – did not flinch – as though it was…. Could it be?... STABLE and SECURE even in the face of the things that I had been suppressing and running from for years for the very purpose of wanting to FIND a point of stability and security in my life.

This point within me – this awareness – this strength that is so quiet, so still, so patient, so unmoving eluded my attention within my life for so long because it DIDN’T MOVE – meaning it was not affected or in the slightest afraid of the storm within me, let alone all of the moments in my life that I had been going from one point of automated living to another – going from one emotion to another – always moving and always reacting to my own movements without slowing down long enough to catch a glimpse of this “little light” – this tiny point of self-stability.

And as I allowed myself to look at and face the fears and regrets and the emotions and the memories of my life in the past years – and having to face the reality that it is in fact TOO LATE to change what has been done and having only this moment of my life here and now to correct myself and walk through the “damage” I have caused and that I would have to live with this responsibility for the rest of my life - what kept me stable was the realization that this little point of stability – this tiny little “spark” of life that seemed so insignificant and unmoving – showed me the key to myself and showed me that even in the face of consequence I do not require to react or go into fear or judgment – that it is not so scary and that I do not have to ever flinch in the presence of energy or of consequence – and that in understanding and observing and in a way ACCEPTING the storms and the consequences I am able to CHANGE it when I no longer fear to stand within it.

There is much that I have to share in terms of the various dimensions this realization has shown me – and there is still the process of now applying this in a way that is practical and consistent in my actual physical world where I must still walk through the manifested consequences of my living – but in now seeing this proof that I am in fact able to stand within any storm and not go into judgment or reaction when things get “ugly” – I commit myself again to the original point that began my Journey to Life so many years ago when I first discovered Desteni and the message that it brought with a renewed sense of self-stability and self-security.

In the posts to follow I will share more of what I have been able to integrate and change in terms of my relationship to my own points in the short few days that I have been working with this point of the “little light” and the effect that this has had on my ability to move through points without energy much quicker than I had been before, and what I am seeing/realizing within that – and how this “little light” is actually a spark that is within us all – which I say because it exists within me – and what this may imply about the actual potential that we have to CHANGE this world and the various storms and ugliness that must be faced if we are to come to the point of stability and security within ourselves as well as within the world we share.
- See more at: ... 3KceF.dpuf

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 13 Nov 2013, 12:59

Day 162 - Lessons from a Spark

In the previous few blogs I have been pushing myself to write out and share the insights and realization that I have had from a particular event – and while I have been the type to “zone out” when I see a long blog and not really want to read it because my mind is already busy with other distractions – I would recommend for those who would be reading this particular series of blogs I am writing to have a look at the previous posts because I am telling a specific story and the context is quite important and the way I have been writing is more in line with telling the “story” as it unfolds – and currently is still unfolding.

There have been many times within my process thus far where I would reach a certain crescendo of realization – and there would be an initial burst of motivation and excitement where I would be really “into” the realization that I would busily begin implementing – and what is fascinating is that each time I did this I would do it within a point of “feeling good” about it – like “Ok, now I am REALLY going to change. I am REALLY doing it this time.” - but after a short while things would begin to taper off and I would no longer be as motivated – and eventually the same habit or pattern that I was living before would return either in the same way, or it would just change/evolve and I would eventually “come to terms” with the idea and belief that I just wasn’t strong enough “this time” to follow through – and that there must be other things in my life that I must attend to and other things that must be “sorted out” before I have the time, the strength, the will to really see this through no matter what.

One of the points that has developed within me is seeing the importance of MOVING MYSELF and not allowing myself to remain in my mind where my mind is able to come up with all manner of thoughts and reactions and memories and experiences that are completely irrelevant to my actual reality and have absolutely nothing to contribute to in terms of me taking responsibility for the life that I am living or the relationships that I am responsible for shaping, let alone the consequences that are now being faced by all forms of life who are here in this world – and in the past few days as I was realizing the extent of my separation from my actual reality and my ability to slow down and CONSIDER the consequences of my words and my actions from a more “existential” perspective that was not just about my own fears and insecurities and desires – and what this process is really about.

Tonight – as I got home from work after a longer than usual day in which I also experienced more than the usual amount of thoughts, backchats, emotions, reactions, and various points of stress that have become “common” – I realized that I was more often “wandering” off in my mind from one point of distraction to another as I was setting in for my evening of writing – and eventually I experienced a point of just not wanting to write at all tonight – just wanting to “take it easy” and slip back into my old habits of mulling over my day in my mind and going into more energetic experiences and entertaining myself with a movie or a tv show and sort of “giving up” and “resigning” myself to my fate so to speak – which is a very specific personality/pattern that I have allowed myself to participate in and feed for quite some time.

But tonight the difference is that unlike the other times – tonight I was armed with an awareness and a “presence” that I had discovered a few days back – and since I had been writing myself out and applying more specific self-forgiveness and allowing myself to stand within the “Eye of the Storm” and releasing myself from the accumulated energies that had been shaken loose my the recent and sudden event in my life that caught me “off guard” – I began to realize that my ability to stand in the “Eye of the Storm” – while it seems so small and insignificant – is actually a key not only for me to be able to sit and write out my internal conflicts and be stable within it – but it is also a point that I am able to utilize when I face physical resistances or the urge to regress into previous patterns.

Tonight – I realized that I had been more “charged” than usual and that throughout my day I had been more in my mind than I had been with my awareness and self-stability – and here I allowed myself to simply slow down and see that the more I allow energy within my mind – the more I allow myself to slip into my “routine” and the more I allow my behavior and day to day living to become automated – the more “leverage” my own mind will seem to have over me – and though this realization seems simplistic and even “too basic” to the mind to seem important – in slowing myself down I again brought myself back to the “Eye of the Storm” – and gently, observed and allowed this experience of “resistance” within myself and realized that it consisted of the same energy – the same “pattern” and behavior that I would usually not question – had much less of an effect on me so long as I moved myself within myself to that same point in the “Eye of the Storm”.

Now this is fascinating because here I am seeing that it DOES NOT MATTER how much of a resistance one is facing in relation to a point – it does not matter how “hard” or “difficult” or even “impossible” something may be – all of it is just part of that storm and can only move us if we do not stand in that point of the “Eye of the Storm” – in that one singular point where all and everything that we can throw at ourselves from within our minds – all of the thoughts and emotions and experiences and energies and memories – all of it is fleeting and has no permanence UNLESS we decide to go for the ride and lose ourselves in the edges of the storm that can so easily accumulate in one’s day and one’s living.

So what am I saying here to myself as I share this? I am saying that all of the excuses, all of the justifications, all of the bullshit that I did not want to talk about or share with others because I was too afraid of what they would think – all of the regrets and sorrows that I have held on to because I thought they would somehow make me a “better person” or would somehow allow me to hold on to something or be able to “fix” something that is already done and in the past… all of the thoughts that come up in my days when I am not standing in my awareness – all of that is just a passing wind within the storm and NONE of it can move me when I stand in the “Eye of the Storm” – thus from here I am not only responsible for every word and every thought I allow myself to participate in – but I also have a responsibility to myself – because I DO see now how this functions and I understand that this implies I have never actually been ALIVE – that I have never actually CARED – that I have never actually been EQUAL with the world that is here and the consequences that have come about in my years of drifting in the storm of my own mind – and that something that seems so miniscule as a tiny “dot” within a raging storm can be one’s greatest strength as long as one is willing to see it – be aware of it – and allow it to come through in one’s own stability – further implies that everything we have deemed “impossible” in this world – everything we have said could “never be done” – is a lie.

The external world as we know it now is the reflection and consequence of the multitude of “storms” – collections of thoughts and energies and opinions that generate the illusion of being “alive” or apparently “going somewhere” – and it can and should look very imposing when we are still allowing ourselves to be caught in the winds – at the edges – afraid to stand in the very center of the storm and unwilling to admit that we are the source of it – but just as I had discovered that the little “spark” within me that stands no matter how big the storm within me may be, and how eventually the storm subsides and has no more energy when I remain standing in that center – it is just as possible that we as humanity – as this existence – can put an END to all of this pointless misery and we can stop allowing ourselves to be tossed around the storms we are creating if we but dare to seek the simplest, smallest thing and be willing enough to humble ourselves, let go of ourselves, stop taking things so personally, forgive ourselves, and let this storm drift by so that we can be ALIVE for real and for the first time see who we each really are – equal sparks of life that seemed so small in the storm that we may as well have believed we were completely alone – but at the end when the storm clears – we remain that spark that never once gave up and never once flinched or judged or feared.

In the posts to follow I will expand yet further on this point – as there are many dimensions to this – and I am very much enjoying what I am sharing because this is a real-time unfolding of myself. I understand these last few posts were longer than usual for my blog but those who have stayed with these words thank you for walking and witnessing this story with me as I tell it – that it may stir within you that spark of life that I am learning to write and see things from.

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 15 Nov 2013, 11:40

Day 164 - Miscalculations in the Storm

Tonight I am continuing in looking at what realizations are possible when one is willing to unconditionally consider ALL THINGS and NOT HOLD BACK.

In the “Eye of the Storm” – you know you are really standing in a point or position of actual power and self-authority when you are able to observe the movements inside of you – the pictures and opinions and the imaginations that one has – and all of the apparent “reasons” for why a particular point is the “right point” or why a particular decision is the “right decision” – and you are not moved by any of it but rather standing and in a way daring to remain uncomfortably silent and uncomfortably still for a moment – when one REALLY slows down and allows oneself to see the extent to which one has NOT actually been aware even though one may have been “awake” and one may have been “busy” with one’s life and obligations within it – in the Eye of the Storm if one dares to unconditionally LOOK directly at the fears and resistances and regrets as well as the apparent points of happiness or excitement where one feels "vindicated" or "relieved" after a particular decision – there is a moment that can be both shocking and empowering at the same time.

The moment I refer to is the “Calm” – and in this “Calm” one may still feel the tugs of the mind – of thoughts and ideas and justifications and reasons and all manner of “considering” that one has done within one’s mind in relation to the decisions one has made within a particular point, or the various “calculations” that one has made within one’s mind in considering a decision or new position or consequential choices that one has made that have a tinge of regret and guilt that in some way secretly still waits for an opportunity to be “resolved” or “redeemed” in one’s world because there has not yet been REAL self-forgiveness – one can begin to see how much of our decisions are made within this fog – within this storm of ideas and beliefs and ASSUMPTIONS about what is actually best and what will ACTUALLY strengthen us – and how much of our actual strength and our actual opportunities to live as that strength are given away because we accept the lesser choice – we accept the “Holding Back” – because we feared that what we would have to give and share would not be reciprocated – because we give in to the fear that if we really stand within a commitment that it would somehow diminish us because we would be “held back”

This is fascinating because what is really holding us back is this very act of self-talk inside of our own minds that is creating the illusion of “intelligence” and “awareness” and we would place our trust in this illusion and allow ourselves to compromise just because we allowed a single thought of doubt – a single point of holding back – a single point of looking for ways to NOT stand our ground and demand nothing less than our greatest potential and greatest opportunity for change because that would make us responsible for facing and NOT giving up when things get REAL and things get UGLY and things get DARK.

And so when standing in the calm of the storm – one can see the various calculations one had made and how one convinced oneself that it was the “right choice” in light of all the difficulties – in light of all the sacrifices – in light of all the challenges – and how one arrived at a conclusion that seemed so logical – seemed so mathematically sound at the time – but one did not stop and realize that the calculations themselves were performed within the MIND – within the STORM – and one did not in fact factor in the most important part of that equation – which is “WHO IS MAKING THIS DECISION” and "WHO BENEFITS"?

Here there is a “shift” – where for a moment one reconsiders the “equation” that one had used and one realized that some parts of the equation were not treated equally – that there was a bias already within some of the so called “calculations” that one had performed in making up one’s mind in a decision – and one can see how these calculations don’t actually add up to a result that is in fact best – that demands the greatest effort – that demands the greatest patience – that demands the hardest dedication and resolve because it is the one that has the greatest reward. Instead one had “skewed” the results of such calculations based on things that are ONLY relevant inside of the “Storm” – things like preferences and emotions and reactions and judgments and past memories and all of the moments where one allowed HOLDING BACK and one instead would compensate for this with “intellect” and “cleverness” and believing we are “standing up” for “self” when the “self” in that equation was not based on the actual mathematics of reality – but the calculations of self-interest.

What I share here is a dimension – one of many – within what I am seeing within my own decision making processes – as I have a look at my own tendency to weigh certain decisions and skew certain considerations “secretly” – like adding my own secret ingredients to manipulate the final product because I want to play out a particular addiction or habit/pattern that I haven’t let go of – but never questioning who benefits from such a product – or considering what I am actually allowing myself to sabotage and compromise – or why I would allow myself to resort to SABOTAGE instead of daring to simply NOT HOLD BACK.

How do we identify these miscalculations? They are the ones that we react to – the ones that we resist considering – the ones we do not want to look at or investigate deeper – the ones that we want to “put behind us” – the ones that create and generate the most friction when we consider the prospect of “going there again” – because we are actually aware that we skewed the numbers to create a result that we prefer and feel “better” and “righteous” and “smart” about rather than doing the real, hard math which requires that we walk the equation without shortcuts.

And here if one sees that one has in fact made a decision that was skewed by preferences and "intellect" that did not actually take ALL THINGS into consideration and one limited oneself to decisions that were based on the logic of the mind - it is again nothing to react to or get "stuck" on. Here it is to see how the solution is always present within the most difficult problems - it is not the end of the world - it is not "too late" and one does not have to go into further consequence.

One is able to simply see that there has been a miscalculation - and thus there are now consequences that must be faced and walked and worked out as one re-aligns one's calculations. One does not need to suddenly "break everything off" or go into the extreme of trying to "fix" what is already broken and what is already a point of "consequence". Rather one begins to practice and be aware of the tendency to seek the "shortcut" and not want to really face the points that are uncomfortable and difficult and challenging - and train oneself to not miscalculate next time the same or similar problem arises. - See more at: ... 0etBs.dpuf

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 17 Nov 2013, 09:49

165 – The Greatest Gifts are the Hardest to Give Away

I have been working with the point of “regrets” extensively in the past few days and seeing how there are so many things that I would have done differently – that I would have really cared more for – that I would have fully and completely invested into IF I ONLY KNEW what I know now and what I see now.

And here there is initially a very strong urge/desire to hold on to those points – hold on to those regrets – because we fear to lose them and we fear that the experiences and the pain that we had went through and all of the consequences that manifested “meant nothing” if we do not hold on to these insights and hold on to some “hope” that things can still work out – that we have not been a total “failure” and that if we did have to suffer at least it “meant something” – and this is fascinating because here one is actually dishonoring the point and one is actually turning the REAL insight in such moments of reflection into energy that then becomes an experience in one’s mind rather than being a real point of looking at one’s responsibility and committing to live a real change to ensure such a point of consequence does not happen again with self or anyone else.

One must realize that one CANNOT change the past and cannot undo what has already become a manifested consequence and the more one attempts to “hold on” to the insights – the more one is tempted to try to manipulate one’s living and one’s world and one’s relationships so that one can get “another chance” to get to live the correction and in this way “fix” or “redeem” oneself for the past – when what is missing here is real self-forgiveness to firstly remove the attachments and reactions to/towards what has happened in the past and any traumatic events or experiences that one has been “deeply affected” by, and one must DARE to push oneself to a point of realizing that the past is gone – and once we really let go of that we can see that we are still HERE and that the opportunity for a “second chance” can literally be one breath away – where one can come back to one’s living and one’s reality – and one can immediately begin to implement the changes and realizations in one’s life instead of waiting to be forgiven or waiting to have another “shot” at facing the same point only to try to prove that we apparently “learned something” from our mistakes and that what we went through wasn’t “meaningless”.

Thus these are among the greatest gifts that one can gift to self – the courage to breathe and live as though the current breath is the only breath you have ever taken and dare to really forgive oneself and let go of the “past” and all of its baggage. The world is still here, and there are still responsibilities to be met – and one can bring all of one’s insights and wisdoms to bear in this breath – and in this way one really DOES show that one has learned – that one’s painful experiences and traumas were not “for nothing” and that one does in fact honor the “memory” of one’s faults and mistakes and regrets in a way that is practical instead of holding on to them as internal experiences without actual application.

Thus dare to be “radical” in one’s application and letting go of past failures and let go of the desire to try to fix or make amends in order to relieve one’s burdens of guilt. One is able to take practical responsibility to sort out any consequences that are immediate in ones world – and from here one can dare to GIVE and SHARE and be bold in one’s correction and living REGARDLESS if one is first “forgiven” and REGARDLESS of whether the same event from the past is able to be walked again because it is not necessary to repeat and recreate that which was already consequential. Rather change first, and stand ready to live and share that change no matter what – and one may find that one’s world opens up and old wounds one believed one had to constantly nurse and hold on to can truly heal.

Give as one would truly like to be given, especially when it “hurts” or causes us to have to let go of that which we most desire to keep – that which we desire to have for ourselves because there is more that we wanted, or because we were not willing to let go out of fear that what we had worked and fought so hard for would never be ‘ours’ again – because that which prevents us from giving and doing what is best for all is also what keeps is from being able to truly receive the same in return.
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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 20 Nov 2013, 20:38

Day 166 – Mediocrity and Limitation are an Affront to Life

We are equal to that which we allow ourselves to align to. We achieve that which we are willing to aim for. Thus when we align ourselves to things that are not best for all in every way – when we allow ourselves to aim lower than our greatest potential or shy away from our greatest moments of challenge – the result is we get what we stand equal to and if within ourselves we still allow doubt and fear and preference and ego and holding ourselves back and wanting to make up for what we believe are “mistakes” in our past – we allow ourselves to diminish and divide ourselves into our own self interest and we lose sight of the scope and magnitude of what is really going on in our existence.
In looking over my own points of regret and fear and holding back and points where I am still fighting for my own limitations because that is all that I have accepted myself to be – or points where I am still trying to live out my “purpose” or my “special crusade” that gives me some kind of “reason” to keep going and to keep justifying my existence – I see how absolutely limiting and ultimately trivial it all is and to what extent I really in fact limit myself – I mean it is almost laughable how much limitation is allowed but this is in fact no laughing matter and the situation from where I see it in this moment is quite dire for all of us here in existence.

I see myself in the people in my world – and I see us still fighting for our preprogrammed lives – never satisfied and never willing to let go of the life we think we are living and consider a new way – a better way – of coexisting where we no longer have to have preferences and hidden agendas and where all of us can really know what it means to care, to love, to live life to the fullest potential and expression because we have let go of the trivial things that have kept us apart.

We are not yet daring to do something so painfully simple – we do not dare to be self-honest and we do not dare to admit when we have not been self-honest – and we do not dare forgive ourselves or others – when this simple act alone could change everything – and allow us to redefine EVERY relationship we have to all things in existence if we but dare to walk through the walls of resistance unconditionally and not look back.

And here I must bring the point back to myself because I realize that I am seeing this because I am myself part of the very problem – that I myself have allowed myself to aim low and accept a much diminished andlesser “version” of who and what I CAN be in this world and within this I am allowing my living example to be equal to that, and that will be the statement that I will have left behind on this world when I die – a life of accepting mediocrity and holding back from actual living.
This is a bit of an extensive/existential point I am opening up here but I see this is the point that I am currently facing/walking so I will begin self-forgiveness to outline what it is I am expressing –

Self Forgiveness –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my process focus more on trying to get a better life or a better relationship or a better anything so long as my life is getting better and to NOT see and realize that because I have given more value to things like having a perfect partner and having a good job and having a good social standing and having fame or fortune or recognition or validation – I have essentially accepted mediocrity and have accepted that such preprogrammed things were of any REAL value or worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my process judge myself constantly and continuously for personal points such as my looks and how people might think of me and whether or not I am worthy of attracting a sexual partner and whether or not I will be able to make enough money for myself to live a comfortable life and within this to lose sight of what really matters – which is that our lives are preprogrammed and that billions are suffering and that my definitions and wants are aligned only to my personal self-interest and that this very point of accepting self-interest is CAUSING the suffering that is going unnoticed and unvalued in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stall myself out on points that, when put to a comparison of the REAL TROUBLE our world is facing, are so miniscule and in no way worthy of holding on to or fighting for or feeling ashamed about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear really living and really loving with all of my being and all of my awareness and all of my substance in a full commitment to life and birthing life and to still “hold back” and still allow myself to entertain thoughts of a “personal life” and “happiness” and “wealth” and “success” in a world that is destroying itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself and to divide my attention, my focus, my potential, and my available time on this earth into matters such as trying to get the best education, the best job, the best relationship, the best position in my world BEFORE I actually make a real commitment and stand by that commitment and accept no mediocrity from myself or anyone in my world because the mediocrity is worthless – it is a life that is only half lived and is a dishonor to the life that we are all given unconditionally – to make and do with what we are capable of – and to live a “lesser life” when we have the ability to support ourselves and each other and not allow fears and limitations or any definitions that keep us from living, giving, and receiving the best and the greatest we have to offer – is in a way a crime against the life we are given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become divided within myself in my desires for validation and acceptance, and to give up and walk away from the people who I could have explored and challenged myself with most in favor of trying to keep my limited world and limited life “in control” out of fear that I would not exist if I did not live at least my mediocre life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing and fear giving and fear living the life that I truly would like to live, to the extent that I would like to live it, and within this I forgive myself for missing the opportunities to do so in my world and allowing myself to be equal with mediocrity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my life and my relationships and who I can be with and who I can stand with and what “rules” to follow in relationships that only protect my “lesser” and “socially acceptable” expression and only serve to keep me defined within limitations instead of daring to define my life, my living, my relationships, and the nature of what I can express and how I can express and whom I express with in my relationships in a way that is best for all and ensures that I live a full life to its greatest potential and within this to insist on the same for those in my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing no matter what through the most difficult challenges in my life and to accept mediocrity within myself and those in my world and in my personal relationships and to not see and realize that if I stand regardless - I can be a point of strength and an example of what is possible and that by not holding back and insisting on the equality and what is best within all - and that this should never be "special" or make me "better" - but that this is the way things should have always been.

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 20 Nov 2013, 20:39

Day 167 - Removing Mediocrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that “mediocrity” is what happens when we abdicate ourselves and accept a version of ourselves that is less than life, and that when we allow ourselves to deliberately diminish who we are and what we are able to do and what our responsibility is within this world through justifications, backchat, resistances, preferences, or in any way listen to or place trust within the illusion of “self” that is created within our own minds for the purpose of keeping us isolated and fearful and trapped within self-interest – we in fact become equal to that which is destroying life – and we accept the same “mentality” to be justified by our living example and thus we have a world that is caught in an endless cycle of making lesser choices and yet believing that this is the “right” and “freedom” that we have as “individuals”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value holding myself back and making lesser choices and going for the way and path that is most aligned with my preferences, my life, my greatness, my “purpose” – and if I am not able to get what I want the way that I want it I throw a tantrum and “settle” for less and thus walk away from responsibilities and the people in my world and will deliberately allow for relationships to stagnate and become spiteful so that I can then blame the relationship for not being “good enough”, or instigate or create or allow stories in my mind to build about my life, my environment, my job, my education, my partners, my family, or even my “looks” and to use such things as “evidence” for how/why it may be acceptable that I do not move myself and commit myself in a way that becomes an example of what life can actually be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation and division within me within my mind by comparing myself to others, forming opinions about others, and then reacting to and feeding those opinions and comparisons and thus divide myself into warring factions within self that becomes distracted and will thus not be able to stand absolutely within my principles because my own beingness has been split into opposition and resistance instead of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of that which limits me and that which prevents me from making the best choice possible and to have allowed myself to split myself into separate selves through comparing myself and wanting what “others” have and thus becoming more self-interested and unwilling to open up and share because I am wanting others to give first instead of being the example of giving as I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “settle” for the illusion of “life” that is only in my mind and gives the illusion of being “alive” through energy and movement and friction – making judgments and opinions and creating imaginary things that I allow to influence and move me and stimulate me yet have no actual bearing or relevance to what is REAL and what actually MATTERS, and to thus have an incomplete and corrupted value system of relationships where I will place value in things that further feed the internal “debate” within myself – as I try to “find” myself or “reason” myself or define myself through accumulating knowledge and experiences and apparent “wisdom” – all of which simply becomes fuel for the debate within me so that I can be “clever” and intellectualize myself into “life” which is the con game of consciousness.

I see and realize that I have allowed myself to fall for the game of the mind – the revenge of the ego – that has known me and has studied me and has privileged information that can be used in a way to “blackmail” and entice me to make decisions that are less than what is best for all but will dress those decisions as being the “best decisions” and “right decisions” – based on its own definitions and considerations and assumptions – and to thus get me to “invest” myself, my time, my living energy, my very life force into committing to these lesser decisions and compromises – because the more I do so, the more I will require to “manage” the consequences of such a life – the more I will require to maintain the “package” that was sold to me by my own self-interest at my own expense – and thus my ego and my internal divisions of self are able to make a “profit” and use those profits to further entrench personalities and fears and all manner of things which apparently justify the abuse to life that I have become an accomplice to through my particular form of “consumerism” where I am consuming myself, my time, my real opportunities for intimacy and expansion in exchange for an “experience” of myself that is the very model of “designed obsolescence” where the “experience” only lasts for so long, and I will have become addicted to and accustomed to the experience, and will thus invest more of myself, my living, my time, my attention to the next point of “experience”.

I commit myself to forgive myself and through this forgive others for having participated in the con game of consciousness that has divided ourselves within ourselves as well as divided ourselves from each other and to show myself and prove to myself within application and commitment that one is able to restore one’s relationship with self FIRST, and in establishing a clear, sound, trustworthy and intimate self-relationship one is able to begin letting go of the lesser choices and settling for that which was less than who we are and who we can be.

I commit myself to let go of the energy within judging myself or others for failures and past mistakes where I have allowed lesser choices to define me and create consequences within myself and within my world and to unconditionally let go of the game of consciousness in constantly replaying the “past” as well as constantly trying to structure and “mold” a future that is based on my past rather than based on what is in fact best for all.

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 20 Nov 2013, 20:40

Day 168 - Back to the Starting Point

When my starting point is not clear - when my starting point is in any way influenced by my desires or my self interest and do not take all things into consideration - my world and my living and any application that I employ to correct myself will already be in a way "sabotaged" because it will be serving the purpose of a "lesser choice" - and my commitment will not stand absolutely.

I see this in the points where I would make commitments or take responsibility - but over time will give up as the energy and excitement wear off - and I see that my initial commitment was not made in care - was not made in actual intimacy and understanding of WHY I make this commitment.

Here in this blog and blogs to follow I investigate my starting point and for a moment re-align my foundation and I "go back to basics" - having learned a lot about myself and become more aware of my mind, how it functions, and what this implies of my responsibility and self-creation - I allow myself to review and adjust and re-align my relationship with my process and my commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as my thoughts and my experiences and my internal conversations for an innumerable amount of breaths and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see or REALIZE that when I am not here and when I am not directing myself and participating ACTIVELY in my own living and taking responsibility for what I allow – which includes the breaths that I take and each decision that I make within each breath – I am allowing myself to exist within a point of “automation” where I allow the patterns that I have accumulated throughout my life experience so far to become the “routine” – and to the degree that I do not actively slow down and stop myself and investigate these routines which are based on my past and experiences that have become a part of “me”, I will remain simply as a constant reaction to my own past – and will constantly be making decisions and creating relationships that will always reflect/mirror what I have accepted/allowed as my patterning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted with my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions and to not question them absolutely within myself as a point of responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge my own ego and self-interest when I have been given ample opportunity in every breath to make a decision to change forever who I am within my relationships and within my living and thus to require “consequence” to manifest within my world before I actively take self-responsibility and realize that I had, at all times, the ability to sort things out in my life – and that the “challenges” that I allowed to stop me were in fact trivial and could have been prevented or directed to a solution that was best for all – but instead of living in the cutting edge of time and facing such points with self-honesty and self-courage – I would instead look within myself for “evidence” based on my past – based on my experiences – and instead of releasing myself from my past I would rather “listen” to it and trust it and allow it to be the definition of who I am and who I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my past and thus continue to feed and support personalities of failure and regret and diminishment and thus accepting myself within mediocrity and holding back and shyness – which are dressed up within my ego as being “patient” and “considerate” and not being too “forceful” but in fact was serving as a backdoor to generate massive amounts of jealousy, fear, antagonism, separation, and discontent within myself and yet I would put on a “smiling face” to the world because I was not willing to face me and declare me and live me absolutely within self-honesty – and thus accepted the lie of myself and within this the lie of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to honor, restore, and substantiate the most important relationship that I will ever have – which is the relationship that I have with myself and the various patterns and limitations and fears that I have accumulated within me due to “holding back” and trusting my mind and my ego to figure things out based on emotions and energy instead of being able to develop real communication and relationship dynamics in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the consequences of my life thus far outweigh my opportunity to stop and change and that it is apparently “too late” for me to change – when this is simply the self-interest of impatience and not being willing to walk a commitment absolutely or take responsibility despite being keenly that I am the only one that was creating all of this and therefore I am the only one that can take responsibility to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at the world and angry at people in my life and angry about my financial situation and angry about the state of affairs this world and this existence is in and to NOT have accepted or allowed myself to really SEE that my anger is a point of ego and self-interest trying to EMOTIONALLY manipulate reality into giving me what I want because I have already accepted a starting point of not being responsible for myself and apparently not having the “strength” or “ability” to be direct and self-honest with what I actually want and thus be able and willing to establish commitments and relationships that will allow me to make such desires real and practical – having a clear and self-honest starting point that is without need for a hidden agenda or having to convince others or having to “market” myself a certain way or having to compromise myself or my integrity because of believing that I am inherently “flawed” or “undeserving” and thus will allow internal emotional buildups to justify my experience of myself and why I apparently “deserve” something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I cannot go back and fix my past and that I must forever live with the “burden” of my mistakes and that the consequences remain here in this world despite my own realizations and desire to “make things right” – this desire to “make things right” is still self-interest and wanting to control/alter my world and the people within it so that once again my ego can be spared and can be “redeemed” and thus justified – when in fact none of this will change what has already occurred – and that here my responsibility is not about making amends or trying to put things back together as though they were never broken – but to be willing to accept when/where I have made such mistakes – clear my starting point of wanting forgiveness in return and instead forgive myself and walk my responsibility to sort the point out and ensure it does not happen again – which must not come with a price tag or expectation of anything “in return” because doing such a thing is self-honesty and is common sense and is what would be best for all life – not because it gives me something in return that I can hold on to as an experience in my ego.

I commit myself to dare walk my life and my process without needing to fix my mistakes in the past or judging myself or holding my past against myself or anyone else in my world – to be willing to truly forgive myself and realize that true forgiveness means I actually stop and I actually live and prove that I have really seen why I must let go and change and take responsibility and thus when I speak forgiveness for myself it is a real commitment and not just a statement of realization for my ego.

I commit myself to let go of my past and my “failures” so that I can realize that the people in my world who I feel I have wronged and harmed do not judge me as much as I am judging myself – and ultimately it is only my own judgment that I am generating and experiencing – and thus I release myself from trapping others and blaming others and trying to sort out my own internal experiences and friction through others – and as I release myself of my own trapped energy I release others in my world that I have brought into my “trap” of consciousness that I have made into enemies or into lovers or into anything that is separate and less than what life actually is for the sake and convenience of my ego to be able to have experiences, and to restore myself as self-integrity so that I do not again separate myself from life or from the absolute responsibility I have in every breath I take. This I walk until it is done and I no longer have to remind myself that I am life and my responsibility is to life.

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joe kou
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Re: Joe's Journey to Life

Postby joe kou » 23 Nov 2013, 01:42

Day 169 - Why Does Doing What is Best for All Hurt?

It is interesting that it can feel like it ‘hurts’ to do that which is best for all – because one may find that what is best for all will require sacrifice, will require letting go, will require responsibility, and will require change – and these things tend to raise up a lot of attention within one’s ego and self-interest – because ego and self interest thrive on such things as not letting go and holding on to that which creates and accumulates conflict and friction within us – because those movements within us are what generate the energy that our ego and self-interest feed upon.

Thus in standing before a moment where we see we must take responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed of ourselves that is now clearly not best for all – there can come a wall of “pain” where we do not want to walk through it and reach into what is beyond it and really let go of what we are holding on to in self-interest and wanting to have things go “my way” – and here we see and realize that it is a point of responsibility that we move ourselves and direct ourselves to face this point and that doing so will not give us anything “in return” – that in a way we must kill a part of ourselves that we have allowed ourselves to be defined by – and this means anything that went along with it must go too – and this the ego and self-interest simply does NOT want to allow to happen.
But it is not to blame our ego or self-interest – because ego and self-interest can only have such a point of leverage or power over us through our own participation – through FEEDING our ego and self-interest with thoughts and backchat and spitefulness and then creating “walls” that in a way keep these internal conflicts in place while conveniently making it able for us to live a seemingly separate life in our “normal world” – and this is why it becomes so nasty – because it is deliberate and when we must face such points we face also our deliberate nature of deception and self-interest where we did not honor life but instead connived and positioned ourselves to benefit before we were willing to GIVE.

Yet here when facing the wall of pain we can also realize that we do not have to judge ourselves – that while we cannot undo our consequences we can “honor” the pain and regret and really learn and change who we are so that such consequences do not happen again – and in a way we release that part of ourselves and give it a more graceful “death” than if we were to keep holding on to it and keep running away from ourselves until things become so consequential that there is in fact no way “back”.

Thus when facing such walls of resistance or pain – always push through it and know that this pain can be released within self-honesty and responsibility – and that just beyond this wall there can be relief which can only come with doing what is best for all – because in that way we ‘return’ all the energy and backchat and self-interest we have accumulated and we honor ourselves as well as those who may have been affected by our consequences.

Here, the act of doing what is best for all is its own ‘reward’ – which is not special because doing what is best for all should never have been “special” – and doing what is best for all should never have been compelled only through consequence – but doing what is best for all is a sure-fire way to restore oneself and allow oneself to build an integrity that can stand no matter what.

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