Day 180 - What do we really give when we "give up"?
Start by putting my hands on the keyboard. That is the practical correction for times like this where I have written and prepared a point that I would like to write out and share as a blog, and I am faced with that “blank wall” of my screen and I find myself retreating back into my mind – trying to figure out what to say and trying to in a way internally process the words and the realizations instead of writing them out into a physical format where I can see it practically instead of just mentally.
And voila’! Here I am writing, moving myself, the words coming onto the page as I type, as I see the words form, as I feel the keys beneath my fingertips, as I breathe and again come back to reality and in a way pull myself out of my mind. So, continuing.
Here, I am taking a look at a point that opened up after listening to the interview “Atlanteans - Giving Up : Self-Forgiveness”. Even in this moment of typing I still find myself shifting around and wanting to get up out of my chair and conveniently distract myself with anything other than really being here – so this is quite cool in fact because here I am able to give myself the opportunity and authority to change and decide who I am in relation to this point of resistance.
In the interview, what arose within me was a realization that “giving up” is a point that has had quite a prominent role in my life experience thus far. If there was to be a central plot device or a recurring ‘character’ in the movie of my life, “giving up” would definitely be one of the primary ones. But this time what I had not considered before was to look at the very point of what “giving up” actually is – as in considering who is the one that is ‘giving up’, and what exactly is it that is being “given” when I “give up” on something?
One part of the interview really struck me – where it is mentioned that “giving up” is not just “giving up” on a particular task or relationship or job or whatever, and that “giving up” is actually “giving up on self”. This is something that I had definitely overlooked and had not fully taken into consideration.
Often in my life I have faced points where things just did not seem like they were going to work out – where it seemed EVERYTHING was going ‘wrong’ and that the ‘best choice’ would be just to stop, to call it quits, to just suck it up and accept my losses, and then “excuse” myself from the point – which is where I will literally go into my oh-so-clever Mind and selectively pick out all of the logical seeming excuses (hence “excusing” myself) for why it would be apparently “best” to stop, to not push through, to not trust that I can get beyond what I am facing, to not trust that my resistances and fears are only energetically charged up and are not permanent, and to accept myself as how I am in that moment of frustration and fear instead of seeing through this veil of self-manipulation.
Often the rationale here would be that I am just giving up on this situation, or this particular relationship, or this particular point – and that right now my resistances and fears and my life and my finances and all manner of reasons are more “valid” than me not giving up – that it would be “best” to let my backchat and my fears and my desires have their say for now – but in fact what is happening here is I am giving up on MYSELF – and by extension I am giving up on all in my world – that this “giving up”, when I really look at it, is not actually based on practical consideration – but on the logic of the mind, of the ego, of fear, of limitation, and in this the MOST IMPORTANT point is not seen.
When one gives up on oneself – one’s entire world falls because we are not standing and we are not inhabiting the one place in this world where we can create ourselves and take responsibility. That place is the physical reality right here in our physical bodies, with the time that we each have while we are on earth. When we give up on something, we are always in a way giving up on ourselves and by extension we are giving up on the people in our lives.
We are essentially saying that the life potential that we are will NOT be given support, will not be given the opportunity to break through the resistances and fears that keep our expression as living beings suppressed, and that what we are in this moment is all that we are and can be in this life despite the awareness that this is not in fact who we are or who we really want to be.
So here I see it is time for me to dig deeper and get clear on what it is that I actually “give up” on when I give up on something or when I allow myself to walk away when things get difficult or seem impossible in the mind – when fears and emotions and reactions run high and I am feeling most submerged and trapped – that such moments are when I am closest to the break through point and that at such moments is when I need to stand within myself the most – to be the most stable and most unconditionally supportive – and that the same goes for the people in my world – to instead of walking away from myself and giving up on myself or walking away from or leaving people behind or pushing them away – rather push and see that here I am only giving up on myself and others as myself and eventually I will have to face this exact point again but with MORE consequence –
Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take into consideration until now that when I allow myself to “give up” on a point and walk away from something and thus listen to the reasons and logic and excuses in my mind for why it is “best” to give up on myself or others in my world, or push others into categories of separation and labels of who is superior or inferior or who is “going to make it” and “who is not going to make it”, I am here DIVIDING myself, separating myself, and here I am giving up on myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and consider until now that the energy that I have spent in my lifetime thus far trying to manage and deal with all of the consequences of me having given up on myself and others and by extension having already given up on “humanity” as a whole, has only served to drain me, divide me, and further create conflict and broken promises and shallow commitments and relationships/projects that do not last and do not stand – because I have not given myself the courage and commitment to stand through it all and not give up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration until now that while the world is currently falling apart and seemingly going crazier and more chaotic and desperate by the moment, it is so because of the extent to which we have individually given up on ourselves and each other – the extent to which we have abandoned ourselves and each other – and in this my first point of correction is the correction of myself – to not again give up or allow giving up because it is more than just me in my private world that is affected.
Thus I commit myself to in these moments of greatest doubt and resistance and wanting to give up or give in to the “easy path” of the mind and ego, to NOT allow myself to give up on the life potential that I am – the life force that can become submerged and oppressed by the fears and doubts and the twisted “logic” and “reason” of my Mind and ego.
I commit myself to stop giving up on myself as the awareness of life, of our oneness and equality that has been submerged and suppressed by our collective fears, resistances, and excuses/justifications – that who I am as life, as awareness, as that quality of me that sees and does care about the state of this existence and realizes that there is so much more that we can be and become together, is worth standing up for, worth fighting for, worth standing with, worth walking through the pain and fear and resistances and mistakes for – because that awareness of me is the life that I actually am, that we each are – and no fear or resistance or excuse in our minds can ever really compare to the potential of life that is here just beyond the illusionary walls of resistance.
I will continue more and open up the “history” of what has been previously accepted in my own past – and how the point of “giving up” has over the years evolved from an original point from my youth – and will walk for myself and share how in my memories and earliest acceptances I already set the foundation for “giving up” – and how this can be changed as I walk myself back, as well as walk/share more specific self-forgiveness. - See more at: http://joesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2 ... T70a2.dpuf