Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 416
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 19 Apr 2017, 15:48

Day 381: Collapse of Care, and ‘Not Be Fooled Again!’



http://wp.me/p2mHx2-ol


Interesting to explore a memory of a time – that comes up in the presence of the word Care - a time in which I had to clear the table and in some ways start again – even though the physical notebooks from 44 years ago have gone – the practice of writing, back then, has preserved some detailed means of access to the memories of those times: a glimpse into specific details of what my thoughts were like, my relationships to things, and to myself. For me there was a personal historic watershed: a world before and a world after the collapse of Care, where I had created care as a bubble in which to live, and that bubble had popped dramatically: so as I begin to explore these things what comes up here is this memory, that shows to me this clearing-of-the-table process that was necessary for me.

So, closing in here and almost looking through the eyes of a young and twenty me: with a view across the wooden surface of a table - where my elbows rested – a place where I would take stock of things going on inside of me. A sort of home ground in the clear simplicity of a wooden tabletop, or of my notebook, or of the scattering of objects that had accumulated here in the consequence of this day, also at the same time an arrangement of expressions telling tales of how this came to be like this; a gesture in the positioning of a teaspoon, in how it came to rest, a skid mark in that ring of water from a glass, a pencil knocked askew, a knot shaped like an eye in the wood grain, and across the surface of the table a patina of marks of history, telling tales of long ago in blond and amber layers of the summers and the winters.

Here was a place of stability for me, a place in which I could create stability, a breathing space, a place in which there was for me if not an intimacy, then in company with the physical stability. Looking at this now I see how much delighted I was in the obvious definition let’s say, of things, such as in the example in front of me in my sphere of attention, a red plastic lighter: I mean clearly edged, consistent, complete, clearly itself, persistently that lighter. And then in one of these memories, touching it, moving it slightly, adjusting it, or from the shiny ring of water, a shiny trail of finger play, that playing of a question in my mind of how such things could constitute a form of reasoning. How to read the nature of the world directly was like an ongoing question in my mind, I was on the lookout for the language of reality itself.

What I could not see then but can see now is who I was within that question, mystified within the very words that I was living, and in a way in a point of blame towards the words, perceiving them to only somehow reach into this world, or else to be referring to a world unseen, not seeing that it was me who had defined myself within those words in feelings and emotions, that it was me that had invested me as energy into the words that I was living, that in me had accumulated an emotional reality in my perception, that it was through me that my definitions of myself within and as the words, that I did not have a point of application.

Yet while accepting that consequential reality that was premised on my abdication, I sought for ways to articulate it, such as with painting, to somehow feel my way into reasoning of some kind. It’s interesting how I was determined ‘to not be fooled again’, to not accept a false reality, to get to the bottom of things, at this point in my life, not seeing how really at that time, I was fooling me; I was looking through the frame of my own personal reality at a world that seemed across a gulf, separate from me.

Although for me ‘to not be fooled again’ came out of spite reactions, blame towards having things done, and not done unto me, where I had broken off relations – and treated this as such a disaster – I see now something different, that this collapsing bubble was actually supportive to me, and that in some ways I could handle the support; it enabled me to look at fundamental things that I had previously taken for granted, as it set me on an independent process of investigation. And in other ways I could not handle the support: that aspect of being set down on my feet on the outside of this comfort zone, it’s like reality breaks the egg shell open to assist my birth into the world, and I am furious about the damage to my home!




Continuing next post…

Adam Closs
Posts: 416
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 20 Apr 2017, 14:44

Day 382: Stop

http://wp.me/p2mHx2-op


…Continuing here further into the corruptions of Care that I have accepted and allowed to exist within my very definitions of myself in my living of this word within this life, that has consequently shaped my life, that has infiltrated into all the details of my relationships to the world.

So here I continue with another of the ways that I have stood to sabotage this word, more details of this sabotage, wherein deconstructing them I can then deliberately clear and purify this word, because I see and realise that the potentiality of this word to penetrate and infiltrate throughout communication, throughout interaction, throughout relationships of beings… I see for me to really deliberately stand for that, then what I have to do is firstly clear this word for me, in support of me enabling myself to live this word as redefined.

Self forgiveness on the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’, and replacing them with instead, directly, Stop.

Stop: the new improved directive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have these backchats exist within me: the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ in which I have accepted and allowed through my attention onto them a go ahead to me within and as these personality designs that stem from backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these personalities to be carriers of my own authority in my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to habitually seek support from personalities as my own design of manipulated movement of me, rather than simply me directing me to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conjure up in a way the presence in my mind of these designs, within which I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing myself to be seeking an experience of validation through which in consequence I am accustomed to being stopped, rather than as simply stopping me with the directive Stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ to have become engrained into me as tools, in internal conversation, as part of my approach to controlling of the energies that arise within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxiety in connection to my own authority within myself.

I forgive myself that in my mind by listening to these backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ that I am referring to an authority that still is placed within these personalities. I commit myself to deconstruct these personalities that are represented in my mind by the references of the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’, to deconstruct and to understand and realign these postures that I have lived as me, these relationships to energy that I see and realise are the legacies of the consciousness that I have inherited and lived.

When and as I am in decision making and I become suddenly conflicted, overwhelmed, when that situation comes up where the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ come up in me, instead I say Stop, I breathe, I do not accept this backchat prompting, I do not accept this validation of authority that is separate from me, I do not accept this insecurity anxiety as part of who I am within authority itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my own authority into the systems that I have accepted and allowed to operate within me, that I have given my consent to go ahead and act for me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that in this consent what I am preserving in me is that I can continue to not be here with me in this moment, but somewhere dormant in my mind.


I commit myself to be present in my decision making processes. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in listening to the backchats of ‘I don’t care’ and ‘I can’t be bothered’ to be accepting of habitual sabotage in my decision making, in which I have become addicted to that experience of validation through these personalities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be standing for and as self sabotage in these everyday moments in my life, in which accepting habits such as this I make way once again for procrastination.

Adam Closs
Posts: 416
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 21 Apr 2017, 11:47

Day 383: Care and Matter 3


http://wp.me/p2mHx2-os


…continuing from recent posts… in which I have been looking at how I have defined and lived the word Care, finding an entrance to the word through seeing myself within the back-chat script of ‘I don’t care’, where in an everyday distraction I enact the shrugging off – and the declaration of a definition of myself – as in who I am in ‘I don’t care’ instead of where a simple directive Stop to these distractions would have been effective. It brings the question up of this: Do I really any more need to rouse a personality to cause this stopping in me?


So here a view of a line of back-chat as the seemingly incidental and everyday little moment, like the little peak of an iceberg, while down below, layers and structures of beliefs and self manipulations… Standing back from ‘I don’t care’, I see it’s like a sample of an argument, that in myself that I have accepted and allowed that I need support in the process of moving me, that in needing some kind of a stance, I was accepting and allowing a belief that I could not just simply move myself.


Here, focused on the ‘I don’t care’ backchat moment where I choose to shrug it off, a build up of thoughts and pressures and distractions around making a decision, believing in my mind that by trivializing it, through I don’t care, that I had really in fact made it smaller, or less effective: that according to my judgements it is real that part of me ‘does not matter’ is not worthy to be considered in equality: that is like a frame through which to see one’s own suppressive activities, a manipulation into somehow being ok with: so therefore not to look much closer at it, but instead, moving quickly on, as if walking out of that discussion in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and be aware of my own insecurity as me as an experience within my own authority, where not seeing that rather than standing and giving myself the space to ask the question of who I am within this, what my purpose is, I have instead allowed myself to rather refer my own authority quickly to the lines of backchat in which I am defined already as a simulation, so that I do not have to face this insecurity inside me, so that I do not have to face myself in seeing that I am insecure within my own authority as me, and therefore need to look into that, or seeing that I am living an assumption of a narrative of who I am, that I know within my self is questionable, where rather than embracing this, I have instead created in my mind a scenario of discussions for me to blame, and within that feel victimized by. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings of righteousness within the trivialization and shrug-off aspects of ‘I don’t care’ that I have accepted and allowed as the declaration of a habitual relationship to parts of me within my mind, and within my body where I have conditioned in my body these reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own mind as in being as separated from it, as an object of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made and stood within a judgement of manipulation and deception and that within that have not allowed myself to see myself within the acts of self manipulation as well as the manipulation of others in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self deception, my self manipulations. Within that I forgive myself that I have held against my own forgiveness of myself, that I have drawn a veil of judgement across my seeing of these things that I’ve become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of my own self-judgements in seeing how I have designed these aspects of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require this fear relationship for the purposes of self deception. I forgive myself for who I am within this system, standing for and as I don’t care, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a negative experience in relation to care, like in a gesture to stop the existence of care, as in an act of magic, as in an act of defiance, becoming like this one dimension that cannot be moved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word Care as being a deceptive word and one that I must protect myself from: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these perceptions that I accepted and allowed as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within seeing the word Care as being deceptive, that I am holding Care to blame for the way I feel… therefore seeing that how this came to be, as well as ‘won’t be fooled again’, are both derived from the bubble and the break-down of that, that I lived as care possession, in which I gradually expanded a desire for the experience of care, into a fantasy world of this experience, like in my mind something emotional and spiritual, like an idea in my mind of mother love, that secretly though she could not express it, that secretly she could see who I was, that she liked the way that I was turning into me, so that somewhere in my life even far away there was this point within my mind of support. Although school life and family life were both in reality full of conflict, and becoming more so, I sort of floated along amongst it all, buoyed up with things like, It’ll be ok, and, It’ll all work out, as aspects of this care experience that I imagined to exist.

As it happened, in reality, in a period of a few months, my parents moved away and separated, my father died, the children all dispersed, there was no home, and I was out of school: all of these physical support systems that had previously gone unnoticed in a way, were now together, like the proverbial rug being pulled out from under me. I dared not express the anger that I felt towards my mother, I feared the depth and force of my own rage, in seeing that she could just allow herself to walk away, and not respond to me, while what I accepted and allowed for me was to take this personally and resonate my anger as blame towards the parents, family, home, school and friends and education: It’s all a lie! None of it is real! And towards that word Care: it was a lie, it was not real, and, I won’t be fooled again. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed myself to be playing games of who’s fooling who within myself within my mind within my life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this sentence as a primary relationship towards the world, as being: You do not care about me, therefore as revenge for what you’ve done to me, I will not care about me either, so that I can be an example of the consequence of what you’ve done. Kind of, Take that, slamming the door in my own face. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy my own relationship of care to me as self support for the sake of a feeling of exaltation and righteousness within this spite reaction.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the word Care to blame, and grateful to myself that I have allowed myself to see this point, and I commit myself to release the blame that I have invested into Care. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto so tightly my personal definitions of care so as not to undermine the basis of my blame, and within that to accept and allow that I might be responsible within all of this, in which everything that I have defined myself to be might then possibly not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of stepping down as ego.

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of loss as who I am within movement of this stand of blame, and I commit myself to release this fear of loss that I have accepted and allowed to bind me, and I commit myself to release myself from the limitation of this stance, and statue in a way, that I became within reaction to collapse of Care as I had defined it, and as I had defined myself within becoming as an objection to it.

I forgive myself that in standing as an objection to Care and within that defying a principle of life that I have accepted and allowed a level of guilt within myself, a level of judgement on myself that who I am is bad or wrong, that I cannot immediately simply step from ‘I should care’ to actually living it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form this expectation from myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate a guilt in me as me for the sake of holding on to ‘I don’t care’ this definition of who I am within a stance of blame. Therefore I commit myself to let go of this guilt and instead forgive myself that I have made mistakes in my creations, that in releasing of this blame, I recognize my own responsibility and I re-empower myself to change the way things are in how I have defined myself in relation to Care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define care from a starting point of a desire for the experience of care, in which I lived within ‘I cannot give this to myself’, ‘This is something that I need from others.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this for me to define care as a feeling, as an energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this energy, to not see how in addiction that I am open to manipulation within these points. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within exposing to myself how I’ve become susceptible to manipulation with being enslaved to care, as well as judging me in seeing me also in manipulation of another within simulating care not as an expression of myself but as an idea, as a construct in my mind.



I commit myself to clear these structures that I have placed in Care.

Adam Closs
Posts: 416
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 23 Apr 2017, 16:43

Day 384: The words Care, Obligation, and Sacred


http://wp.me/p2mHx2-ow


Here I continue with further Self Forgiveness statements and release of energies within how I have personally lived the word Care: and how early in my life that I have put structures into it, how I have used it in the backchat/self definition of ‘I don’t care’. Here sharing also outlines of a mind construct that I accepted and allowed to exist within me, around this point of Care.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat script of ‘I don’t care’ as a point of self manipulation; and within that, the blame of ‘you don’t care [for me]’, and ‘you should care [for me]’ And then ‘I refuse to care for me as an example of what you’ve done, to make you feel bad.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put this thought into application. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate the consequence of living out this sentence through my life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to speak out with my mother, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to mention my expectations, or why I was so angry. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I was in front of my mother in my emotions and my expectations. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to really look at who I was within that shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store memories in my mind of an image of my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep such an image in my mind, as an effigy, as a trophy of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this trophy as a source of justification in my mind, in the resonance of I don’t care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in holding on to this blame to have become rigid and disempowered in the presence of the word care in my life, not seeing realizing or understanding how I had made this so. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an illusion in my mind of a stance of retaliation, as an illusion of independence within the intonation of these words ‘I don’t care’ within my mind, as righteousness in which I am declaring also my freedom from the lies deception and manipulations that through victim’s eyes I saw being done to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed righteousness to exist within me, a righteousness that has no reference to physical reality, in which I have defined myself as separate to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to a memory of this righteousness experience in myself with the script of ‘I don’t care’, that in embodying it for a moment, I define myself as dismissive of these things, distractions, thoughts; deliberately ignoring, refusing to consider me or others, and within that, standing for a moment as a memory of this victory over care illusion, as if I had outed the deception of an other being.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I expressed myself directly, that I would destroy the relationship with my mother. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was bad, so not deserving of approval, if I caused a bad reaction in her. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear my father’s wrath, should this happen. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear, to have become disempowered within myself, and that within and as that fear and in that disempowerment that I resorted to the ways of manipulation, operating within that manipulation as a decision to live dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel this contempt into a manipulation with the intention of making my mother feel bad, feel guilty, so that I could validate myself as a victim and as victorious, and so, win. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sentence me to a life in which through saying the words ‘I don’t care’ I am standing justified in self abuse, and self neglect, just as a result of this reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this justification in my mind as real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be made to feel things by others, and within that, that I am not responsible for what I feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as an extension of this belief, a world of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect images of Holy Mother and Child to the word Care, and then to make of that an experience in my mind, and an expectation of my mother, and that in my mind, I accepted and allowed myself to believe this to be an obligation: I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was obliged to give me this experience.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself judge my mother that she, in my projections, broke this obligation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to have believed that this was a breach of something sacred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Sacred as an experience inside me as something that must be protected immediately and at all costs, regardless of the damage. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered by this word, that I have accepted and allowed this word Sacred to control my actions, that I have accepted and allowed this word to become a starting point of me in my reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this system, immediate argumentative attacking responses to protect a lie, while projecting out a world of lies and judgement and malignance, and blaming out at other beings in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created programs for me to live that are initiated in this word Sacred. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a certain kind of backchat to be supported by this vehement emotion, judgement, spite, cutting down, undermining, and all of it – for the Sake of Sacred - so as not move, not to have exposed the guilty secret, to not have to look at it face on, that I in fact depend upon this experience of care that I have imagined to exist, that I then imagined in my mind to have been lost.


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