Day 411: Anchors in the Matrix, and Living Nightmares
Last post was in the Anchorage of words and writing, and the way that one can ‘get-lost’ in the matrix of one’s own reality. And though much time has passed, I have not moved away from those considerations, but further into them, and looking out for other anchor points. When I look into Anchor, something that I see in it is a point of Trust.
I am writing here kind of in the topic-zone of Waking Up From The Living Nightmare, in which Anu shares perspective and observations of current process in the world: where in different ways we are in the nightmare experience of living an experience but at the same time can’t wake up from it.
In the context of this, some serendipity was in listening again to some very early interviews that came through about ten years ago or so in which beings are in a way unfolding the primaries of a hitherto unknown reality. The early Desteni recordings are like another anchor for me: they carry a distinct enthusiasm/news of the recent break-through, an optimism, almost jubilation sometimes – of what just happened - in which for the first time ever, dimensional beings are speaking to the beings on Earth through the access of the Portal. Listening to this particular recording again, what I hear this time, is Expression and Self-Expression redefined.
Here’s an extract from the words of Grace: Life after Death Research, Desteni 2007:
“I don’t exist yet I do: I am the voice that speak as that which exists. I am not individual and yet I have an expression of myself. I am not a definition of a pure memory of that which I was, here on Earth, of other people’s perceptions of me, which I’ve become.
Have a look at what people become in the world: memories, people’s expectations, people’s interpretations, your parents, those that are around you in your world, your friends… it’s as though we’re living in the past the whole time. And we have to stop so that we are able to express what is here, which is us. That’s why we’re not living – because we’re living in the past. It’s impossible to express yourself when you are in the past, and we’re all in the past in this world every day.”
Practical solutions/ working methods to STOPPING THIS have been developed in the years since Grace made this recording: such as the process of Defining, Redefining and Living words. SOUL.
Seeing how it is the definitions from the past that we have lived as who we are, and from out of that, what we have become, then, through honest introspection, and seeing as much as possible - as is - the content of a word - as it actually exists and functions in me - that I have accepted and allowed, and so compiled and integrated - this internal survey is where I can expose to me my blueprints of this present life that I created, the specifics of my matrix of reality, the structures of the past that remain imprinted into me, that reach into the present, limiting and defining my expression here.
And from another of the early interviews, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdwYM0R8f5c
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain) Interview 2. The Being, describing his observations of Humanity and the physical reality on Earth, says that what he saw was that ”human beings were imprisoned in their self expression”.
Simply that, I mean I take here simply that out of his words. And what came up in me was a memory of a point in my life of great anger at myself that I had trapped myself in such a way. A point in my early life in which guilt had been a constant self expression, and along with guilt, a fatefulness, being in a place where changing things did not exist. Such as in family relationship possessions. And yes, that was a Living Nightmare, in the past and it was in that Living Nightmare that I first formed relationships with people, tangled up in multiple relationship possessions. It was in that Living Nightmare that I accepted and allowed myself to become embroiled into a web of the complexities of a group of beings, like me, in process of their own.
On the construct of sibling rivalry here are a couple of references:
From Parents and Siblings are Keepers of the Past - Bernard Poolman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWUPJuLg6wo
Your sister, your brother, your parents that will come up with the old stuff from the past and use it against you: it’s like they will accumulate every mistake, they will keep it in their arsenal, to bring you down to size whenever you are attempting to stand up and be something in this world. It’s like this absolute sibling rivalry…. They feel so inadequate themselves that they cannot dare actually to let them become a better person, they want them actually to remain in a position where they can manipulate them no matter what, so that they cannot get out, they are there as a slave to their sins… Talking shit behind your back with their friends… a family religion play-out… the family construct of sibling rivalry… “
“How family members or friends accumulate memories of and as past mistakes as an arsenal to use against you within and as manipulation attacks and tend to keep you within the limited self definition they experience you to be, to so keep personalities alive… when you are no longer… fitting in that memory they’ve defined you as – you are no longer acting or living in thought word and deed – because you’ve changed – and thus - Instead of them supporting you as who you really are – which if the relationship was actually real then would have been a point of support – now it’s transformed into a point of attack – because they want you to be the same as they want you to be as the sameness they believe you to be in their memories. So basically they are attempting or trying to redefine you back into the memories they have of you, attempting to break down the change you have become through holding the past memories they have of you within themselves, and then bringing up all the mistakes you have made - against them - using memories and past mistakes as things – apparently - done unto them… “
In an actual nightmare that would recur from time to time the recurring theme was that someone would remind me of something I’d forgotten, which was that there was a body in a cupboard, that I had murdered someone, hidden them away and then forgotten. And I would wake up in a sweat and it would take some moments to realise that this did not happen, and then the guilt and panic would gradually subside. And yet though I woke up in a bed, with sheets, in a physical room in a house, in the stability and anchorage of the physical, something that I did not wake to was what it was that I was trying repeatedly to show myself, this self expression of me as willingness to abandon me for the sake of an experience of acceptance, of connection, empathy, inclusion. That standing up for me from within myself was something that I had quietly dispensed with. Though with my mother eventually I gave up on playing this game, internally I did not change the construct, so that just like in my childhood when I would return to home, in my mind I would refer to it, that consciousness of how to be.
Here is where I have accepted and allowed that part of me as the mind that suddenly in a moment let’s say inserts a drop of a distillation of that Living Nightmare from the past like an invasion of a thought into moment in something that I’m doing in support of me, where suddenly I shift into acceptance of a judgement, of a dour reminder of who I really am as worthless anyway, of how all I’m doing can be picked apart and undermined and ripped to shreds, where in a single moment I can turn on me, stab me in the back, or else go into fear of that and go into a belief that this is actually me doing this to me, not seeing how I have programmed all of this as systems in my mind, and along with the guilt, that sense of doom and stuckness, burden, that never will my work on changing me come to anything at all.
... continuing next post