Day 396: Obligation and Freedom
For a while the word Obligation has been kind of clunking about in my unconscious, sometimes rising to the surface from some secret depth. At first it was just a movement, a shadow of a thing, and then it became more clear, and looking at the word in different ways in seeing how it figured in different processes of redefining words, it was like bit by bit I released some energy from it.
So writings here are about word going into deed and action: and in looking at how I have stored in Obligation reactions and self definition information, all the reasons and excuses and justifications for not doing things, not acting directly, or immediately, but through a processing delay, like through official channels, through a team of lawyers, through the building as it were of Obligation which has become like a dark and massive block within my inner world.
Why so dark? Why not see the light of me in this? In the evolution of a central government of all affairs that involve relationships to responsibility, I see how I have stepped back from embracing life directly, and instead have watched my mind evolve a system from out of my reactions and objections, where I have gradually become both enthroned and imprisoned in sovereign rights of freedom, substantiating my excuse of me from living life.
Imagining a universal vault of darkness that is lit by stars, as all beings everywhere as points of awareness, points of responsibility: through looking at the simplicity of such a picture, I can see it is like I have brought a kind of sentinel into orbit in my world, right next to responsibility, as a processor, to be vigilant, to regulate, to control, to keep in hand a righteous veto, and to protect me, to protect me how, from what?
The fear at first in specifying the presence of this word, and then a fear in view of deconstruction tells me of a structure of protection, tells me of a personality system I still rely on, that I still embody in this word, because within this word are the terms of my responsibility, the conditions I have set and lived by, and as structures of the mind that I have set in place, these are features of accepted mind control.
Something that I realise while writing this is how much the word itself is for me kind of founded on dispute, an argument with Life, with Existence: elaborated and evolved to justify refusal in any and all events, where in walking into it, I find immediately a specific strategy of defense, to justify a fear of extension of responsibility, so that in the acceptance and allowance of this fear that I react and turn to reference Obligation – where who I am in Obligation is as my designed relationship to manipulation, to apparently being forced to do things, where within that there is fear of people using and abusing the very parts of me that is manipulating me, that I fear to see and recognize because these are in conflict with the image of myself as ‘freedom’.
How such alternative realities can play havoc with a life is easy for me to see, when I have a look into the history of my own life, such as looking down a timeline of procrastinations, a patchwork of decisions of excuse from life, decisions of ‘not now but later’, like each time in a quantum moment it’s: First I must consolidate this Freedom that is defined in accordance to the laws of me within the articles of my Constitution. And yet, that ‘first’ is really not the first, because the basis is that, No, I do not accept to directly live, I have conditions: first I separate from this, task, this simple action, this responsibility, this threat, in a way to who I am in a moment of winning - as grandiose within retaliation. What I missed was my own authority within it all, accepting and allowing instead the authority of this obligation system to direct me, while I stood by defending self from living, from awakening here.
I have seen where backchats such as: I must do this or that, I have to do this or that, or I should be doing this, have acted in me like feeds for the reaction, for retaliation, where I have seen how listening to such backchat has been like the kiss of death to something that I’m doing, or something that I’ve suddenly broken off from doing in this moment, so where I manipulated myself with such backchat was in believing in these statements that this was me with the intention of encouraging or supporting myself – trying – but – all in vain – collapsing into, I do not have to do this thing right now, I can do it later, I have tried, and I have pushed a bit…
Meanwhile in my micro world of procrastination, I need only look across the house to see the accumulated piles of stuff, and across my desk, a miscellaneous dumping ground of neglected things, and unfinished actions – actions that have been broken off, abandoned, left till later. It wasn’t that I thought: ‘Now I will do a small experiment’, though that’s how it turned out; I was looking at a pile of books on the floor and a question came up in me, What is my responsibility for this, do I even know, and I looked at the books in their history with me and where they came from and how it was that I had taken them into this house, and then cut off from them in a way. Like in looking at the path the books and me had walked together, the whole framework of chore and obligation was for a moment released, because there was no dispute involving responsibility. Some time later, I just came across the books and put some order into them in two neat piles and then put them into bags. It was not like this was any big decision – because in a way I was not preparing for battle with my mind – to face the exaggerated chore of a mountainous entirety of procrastinations, to experience myself within the negativity of obligation, and experience of myself in judging me on this – that did not exist.
So the experiment showed me how much my relationship to this word obligation had played a part in my procrastination processes – where I showed myself also that I could release it with putting my attention onto how is my responsibility within this thing, is it complete? Was it ever stated clearly, or was it kind of implied or assumed in a vague kind of way? Was it kind of nominal? Are there ways that I could expand myself within specifying my responsibility, within for example caring for the books, caring for the room, or on my writing desk, caring for the clarity of my mind by clearing off the surfaces, and dealing with the tasks, in their own right.
In this experiment it was clear that here was an example of being free of obligation – through simply moving and extending the responsibility that I had embraced and stated in me and with, in this example, a pile of books.