Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
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Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 331: No, again, and again, and again, an aspect of Diligence


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In the situation of learning, as in gradually reconditioning my mind and reconditioning my relationship to my body, so as to understand more and more through words how Toleration has been a key word in my acceptances and allowances of the patterns of the mind, and how through self forgiveness of, as in taking responsibility for these tolerations, I have in fact being substantiating my being within saying No, and sounding no within myself and resounding it throughout me over and over like a general directive of how I stand in relation to a pattern of my mind, this I have found to be effective.

And saying it audibly for my ears to hear and for me to feel the physical sensations of the resonance throughout my body, I have found it to be a useful tool for tuning the tonality of my voice to be a more effective permeation of the resonance within my body. A stream of no’s tweaked real time thus I have found to be a grounding, and within that I have found a space in which to step back a little from some upcoming directive of the mind, such as in the re-emergence of a pattern that is seeking for a foothold.

With this No as my prerogative, and only mine, then in the event of that recorded No that comes up in my mind, I am seeing how it obviously does not directly come from me in standing here but is a no that is a programmed no, that is really implicitly a yes towards the mind. That yes towards the mind is very often in me not a stated yes but more implicit, it is like a representation of a giving up and giving in, like as in I accept this and so allow this to be so, or to be what is happening with me, it is like that slightly hidden point when I give, and underplay my permission for it, go along with it, such as with an addiction, it’s an ok, Just this Once, rather than experience the vacuum of a no that I have not yet learned to handle, that might lead me into something different, and something new for me.
Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 332: Incoherence and Structure and the Poet Personality


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… continuing this series of posts in which I am looking at my relationships to the word Structure.

Accepting structure for myself to use for me has been one of the gifts of writing out my mind, where I have been giving shape to goings on within me using words.

So: looking back at how I saw my mind when I was young, I saw how much of what I once accepted in my mind as ‘joined up’ thought, had really been more like fragments of phrases and significant seeming words in loose association, with the occasional realization of this incoherence, when I had for a moment stepped back, but towards which I then reacted, and within reacting, stepped back in again, where I then defined and judged myself as having a shattered mind, and within that, something wrong with me, with emotions of disappointment, self pity, loss, and shame.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in these emotions, in looking at my consciousness and seeing its incoherence and then believing that my mind was shattered; and that I then accepted and allowed myself to experience these things that came out of a disappointment in who I found myself to be, as a tragedy within myself, as someone that is irretrievably broken, and so therefore useless and without any prospects, and somehow in the system of the world, as inapplicable.

Within that I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a starting point for a personality out of this: taking off the peg the long black coat, the dark depressed poet figure, drifting along the roads without direction, sort of glorious in tragedy, in which I channeled into hope that maybe I could utilize these incoherencies of isolated words, and hide away the inconsistency I saw, because although the words that swirled around within my consciousness did not fit together in any formal way, all the same I realized what powerful effects they had upon me: shifting my moods, exerting strong influences on me, triggering yet more incoherence, and more emotion, and yet through the eyes of the poet personality, seeing the words as being radiant with mystery. And in poetic solitude, I would dwell on single lines, mesmerized for hours, hoping to evince some inner essence out from them, and within that, hoping to eventually communicate some unfathomable thing.

Here is an example of some structures that I accepted and allowed to fall into place, stemming from emotional reactions to how I found myself to be, and beliefs I jumped into, looking into my consciousness, accepting and allowing what existed there as me, defined within and as emotional and feeling energies, as conflict and confusion, as swirling backchat and inner dialogues, and haunting memories, and how within all of that I was attempting to give structure, shape, consistency, to all of these ‘I am’ this and that reactions and beliefs, and unite them into some coherence, that then gave rise to living out that personality at times, trudging the road, living out the drifter, of being driven, without direction, living out a metaphor, and then a shape, a narrative of not having self direction.
Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 333: Diligence in Breath!


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I made the decision to investigate the contents of the word Diligence in the sense of who and how I’ve been and so become within it and in relation to it, and in this sense the investigation has been like opening a door and walking through it, and discovering nothing that I expected, not just a few points here and there requiring checking and correction, but instead like this really massive room, with this huge machine installed in it, like an engine of some kind bolted to the floor, as the inner engineering of this word, that I had accepted and allowed within me with all these moving parts and strange components.

And there have been moments where I wanted to just turn around and check the door and see what word was actually written on it, entertaining an idea that it might have been the wrong door or something. And in moments like that there is also this familiar experience of me, as standing on the brink of things and not going further, and within that experience, an acceptance of myself as that.

And so with the word Diligence, and allowing me to authorize the structure of this investigation, I go into a new process of gathering up the information that I already have in the realization that yes there is much more, but going further into more is in a way a distraction of trying to make the investigation perfect, and looking at a future in my mind of having all and everything at my disposal, which is one of the patterns that I have come across in writing this; and also there is that I realise now that in walking through these points since 316, that Diligence has become for me quite changed, clearer, lighter, simpler, and that the factors or components that I’ve looked at in myself has already released me to some extent from the accumulated reluctance that was there before unseen by me in the form of energies and conflicts within the subsidiary words of Diligence.

Like for example: Gian proposed for me a diligence in breath: and my reception of this new meeting of two words had a natural lightness and simplicity, through which I could kind of see an inkling of what this redefinition of this word could be and become for me.
Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 334: Interlude: A sketch of a poem.


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A memory from Earth: For such two words to be placed beside the other, what kind of processing must have been evolved, such as in the mining of what exotic ore, extraction of what essence, what chemistry of words that placed just so would make it possible for such a question to persist? Truly with the thickness of a shadow this ego abrogates substantiality, brushing over field and hay, content within a vehicle that is merely ever only reference to something real. Same question in a way as in how and what I am in breathing breath, attempting to define this word with all the technology of the mind together focused on this action that is central to my life on Earth, and finding that in how I have lived each word that they cannot really grasp the question or grasp the realization that the question represents.

That question was as a gift to me: and within that gift at the same time an experience of myself in gratitude, that was gratitude itself, the gift.
Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 335: Diligence and Gathering the Information


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Gathering the information together: I find that in ‘facing’ the point of gathering the information together I have already created a resistance – that I should ‘face’ it, and so within that, retain an option of turning away from it. There I am again on the threshold of myself as who I am.

A summary of things has got a simple maths to it that adds up to plainly how it is in me, as a group of contradictions that I have somehow got along with, with various tricks of suppression, and so never put together. And there is an anxiety that arises in me with this contradictory wanting to change and yet at the same time fearing actual change, and then demanding that I must know in advance what it is that may unfold, and fearing the reality that in seeing it all together that I will no longer be able to sustain the lie because I am aware of it. And like putting dominating personalities together in a room designed for one, there is a fear of conflict.

Anxiety also comes up as a reaction to seeing myself going into a groundless positivity, as a vision of me changed, that somehow magically I have accomplished change, and within that, a fear of the future in which I see it all collapsing. And also there I see at the starting point of this magic leap, a desire to escape from what I have been looking at that is parts of me.

So, practically, there is the tool that I have picked up along the way, which has been a step in redefining me within the word and sound of No: that in using No I have found a means of conveying value to a Yes supporting me within myself, a me that grows more tangible, and that is here quite practical because with breath I have used it as a means to coax myself to simply look through stuff I’ve written in the past, and take the step of putting it together.

As also with the word Structure, and seeing how I can direct myself in using this in practicality, such as in taking these various written posts and putting them together: doing such things as making lists for example. And an aspect of fearing structure that I noticed a while ago was how it was that when I was young and spinning stories about what happened that would serve in my mind as an excuse for what I’d done, that I came to fear the structure that is expressed in natural common sense, as in adults to a child, simple questions, that would expose me in dishonesty. So here again, bringing structure to myself with things like lists, and simple questions in support of me.



Continuing next time…
Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 336: Gathering the Information: The word List


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Seeing and realising that through my experiences of lists drawn up for me by someone in authority about what I should be doing and in what order I should be doing them, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected a negative emotional charge to the word List.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a negative experience within myself when I see that making a list of things for me to do in support of me, and in support of clarity within me, that I then avoid this structuring of self support, because I have accepted and allowed myself to react to negative energies coming up inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that even though I am proposing making a List for me of things that I might do which altogether will assist me to make real changes to me and support me in making clear to me the various points of sabotage that I have accepted and allowed, that still the charges that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word List have an influence and affect on me in terms of giving up on me for the sake of my negative relationship to List.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store in List reactions to coercion, to control, to obligation, and connections to who I am within refusal, retaliation, and rebellion, and within these connections also fear of conflict in the consequences of disobedience and childish naughtiness. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that in making lists for me that I have given up on my own plans for me and then formed judgements of myself as having Failed. I forgive myself therefore that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of these negative judgements of my failures to arise within me when I consider for myself to make a structural list of things that I need to do for my own benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the facts that I have discovered to exist within me with further emotion: to charge the fact that I have believed the failures to be real as seen through my self judgements, that fact that I have accepted and allowed this experience of who I am as having failed to follow up my plans, to exist within me, not just simply as a neutral fact that I can therefore work with, but as a fact that is charged with energy such as guilt, that even though I see and realise the fact to be real as what I have actually done, believed, accepted and allowed, to through the guilt then allow myself to hide myself from the realities about myself that I have found within me.

Therefore I commit myself to release these emotional contents that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word List, as part of the definition of who I am within the word, because I see and realise and understand that if I am to use the list as a neutral tool of self support to organize myself, to organize my approach to me that if I accept and allow myself to not remove the sabotage that I have accepted and allowed to exist within it, then I am indeed accepting and allowing my own pre-programmed failure to carry out a structured plan that I require within this current project of redefining Diligence in my life, and actually practically changing who I am within and towards Diligence.
Adam Closs
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Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 337: Diligence in Breath 2

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In slow breath I am standing once again in the settled nature of the physical dimensions, a kind of quietness, with and as, in a way, the examples of this multiple stability in which turning my head this way and that I see different aspects of my surroundings that meet together into everything. Here is my awareness of being at one with slow, as the slow breath where I am with a silky traction with the membranes of my lungs with a pace, a patience I can live, with a gentleness of apprehension of what is here, and so that slow breath is a gift that I have given to me in time that I dispense for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not avail myself of gentleness of apprehension of my mind: that I have instead become as a reaction, and within and as reaction that I have lost this breath of patience and so with that my opportunity to live diligence in my application of who I am, when it’s like I’ve slipped into a fractionated world in which I am fractionating, separating, placing things outside of me. And so within a process of gradually releasing this I am grateful to remember: Hey! Where is Breath in all of this?
Adam Closs
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Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 338: Break-through into Fundamentals


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A reminder of things placed upside down through the lens of mind: where I am again in this situation of kind of having a break-through - into fundamentals - like after all of this, now I can begin, for real.

Within this, there is a come-back rhetoric of the mind, which goes: So then all that I have walked so far counts for What? It is like there is an energetic opportunity for self diminishment in seeing fundamental as part of a hierarchy – if - I were to go into that decision of seeing it thus.

But rather than doing that, instead to look at Fundamental, not as if within the word there was a somewhere down there – beneath - but more as a reminder of something real, something simple, something firm from which to start a movement, like a fulcrum, something in a way that need not be left behind, but carried with this time.

In this new recording of Anu speaking through the Portal: Find a Reason for People to Listen – of course, the question going round, comes around – and so to me: What was it about the Desteni Material that made me listen? And – fundamentally – within myself – What made me listen to me? And hence so to me, this very cool question that begins like this: Have I ever in fact ever really made the decision to listen to me?

What it was that first really made me perk up my ears when I listened to the many beings that were speaking through the Portal was that I was hearing about something that was real, that I was hearing news of a reality that I was part of, and that the facts about the workings of my consciousness through which I had interpreted reality could be checked and verified by me.

Saying No to my giving of permission to the programmes of the mind – where I am aware of how much I have lived in toleration of these systems and designs – in this saying No I have strengthened me within my being – and in that I have become incrementally more aware of my reality – and so the decision to listen to the voice of my awareness has become a decision that I can start within and stand.

That there is an art to decision making is clearly described by Anu in this recording: in which he describes the impossibility of clear decision making within a lightning storm of emotion and feeling – how the consequences of such decisions would go awry and eventually fall – where in this I can see how my own reality as a decision maker has kind of dwindled and faltered and become marginalized, to the point where listening to myself had kind of become like an ever present option, present always yes, but fraught with memories of decision failure.
Adam Closs
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Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 339: Diligence and Intimacy


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Diligence: An image that came to me some time ago like an illustrative reflection of the word was like a memory of seeing across the fields a group of people working: appearing to me like the contrast between these distant figures focused on some specific task and this boundless landscape that surrounded them. What was contained within that illustration that I was showing myself, as in who I was in seeing diligence in such a way – looking at this – I see a kind of strength in being able to focus on specifics despite the massive nature of everything that is going on in all directions – and that within me seeing it thus as me spectating this, I see a kind of longing for that strength, of applying effort and work in such circumstance. And writing this a memory comes up of an incident in my life in which I was walking through the hills and moors and walked up to a tree, and then closer to the tree inspecting the leaves, and closer still, a fly, resting on a leaf – and the significance to me in that moment was like an experience of intimacy – having physically trekked across these hills, and reached this tree, and entered into this moment with a fly who was resting on a leaf – and the significance was of such intensity that this would be one of those memories that would always be there with me, a memory that was laid down with that intention of: I will remember this moment in my life.

These are elements that I would want to exist for me as who I am in Diligence: that intimacy with the detail that abounds in the moments of my day, that within for example a passing moment that I do not pass that moment on my way to somewhere, that in diligence I support myself in attending to the little things that come up. That in a way I can learn to introduce this boundlessness into my everyday moments where at the same time I learn to let go of the constructs of judgements of significance and impatience so that I can allow myself to focus on what is here in this moment and within that to change my life in a qualitative way towards this intimacy with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me a sense of longing as who I am within a diligence I see outside of me, and that within that I have accepted and allowed myself as disempowered. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within that diligence to have denied myself an intimacy with what comes up in my daily life, rather than instead seeing that longing and realizing that who I am within this is longing is but a decision that I am living, and so can change.
Adam Closs
Posts: 513
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

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Day 340: Cursory vs Diligence


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The ‘How’ of Diligence: in changing the nature of my engagement with the moments that arrive, taking into practice the changes that I have made to me in redefining the word Diligence – in words as being components of my mind – walking this in real time – I am finding Diligence to be coming up all over the place – such as in picking things up off the floor, or doing that thing before I go out of the door, there is a kind of equalization going on of things to be attended to – and yes, early days – but in beginning to walk this change I notice also other aspects of the definition that I previously did not notice, that I was living before, as if I have a new platform from which to see my old ways of engaging with the moments as they came along, and something that I see is how I had lived the opposite to Diligence in accepting and allowing the word Cursory to be plied into my ways - opposite meaning here: in opposition to – and that within that opposition I had chosen sides.

Cursory: meaning going rapidly over things, without attention to the details, being hasty, superficial, haphazard, careless of the job, such as wiping down a table in a cursory manner. And in looking into how I’ve been in Cursory, sounding Curse-Sorry, I see how I have taken in judgements of the ways I’ve done things in a cursory way, and then have created a personality to defend myself from the consequent experience: a personality that stands for and as judgements of expressions of Diligence, such as backchats of ‘you are so’ Fussy, Pernickety, and things like that – perceptions of others as being mean about control – being rigid, something wrong with them, spiteful thoughts, like curses – like that’s the way I do things – like it or lump it, or do the other thing – and then with that curse, a sorry as in making a job that is an apology for what it is supposed to be, and in a way, a rather sad version of itself. So a spiteful personality that is at war with diligence, with Cursory as a life-style that has to be defended. And, interestingly, there is the final trump card to be played, of: ‘I Don’t Care’. What is interesting to me about this is how the word Care plays a part both in Cursory and in Diligence, that the Care component has been kind of extracted out of Diligence, and inverted in Cursory.

As a line of backchat coming up in my mind – I called this a trump card – and I recognize in this the game-play and the competition gambit – but also the energetic strength that I have given in to it – given in – in the sense that in and as a part of a reaction, like for example thoughts coming together that suddenly lead into a bad experience in my mind – there are times when rather than just stopping and breathing and sorting things out with myself, as in asking me: What am I accepting and allowing that I am within these things? - Which would be an example of Diligence – Instead I have accepted and allowed this ‘I don’t care’ backchat line to act as a pivot into deciding for distraction into some different area for my attention. Like going into an automation of suddenly turning away, seeing something else, and forgetting all at once. And looking at this I see how this Cursory personality design has a trump like strength, quite a bully in a way, amongst my personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this personality design by giving in and giving up on myself when this line of backchat comes into my mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with a frisson of positive energy in an idea in my mind of who I am as being assertive, in an assertion of a belief of freedom and winning, in a petulance of going: Well I don’t have to - look at this - if I don’t want to, sort of walking by a bad experience in myself that nevertheless still remains within me, and getting ‘by’, accepting and allowing who I am as an apology for myself as a sad version of something that I could be.



Continuing…
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