Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 21 Feb 2017, 23:37

Day 371: Sharing


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From the opening of a point, enabled by the previous day, and in being grounded in Quietness in myself, something that comes up, what I see now as the opportunity of redefining Sharing, and looking at the hows within me of how I lived this word and defined it in, and based my living of it on, an emotional starting point of me, and in seeing this how I then realized how much I had sort of brushed by this word over and over as if my relationship to it were just a part of what I had accepted as me, and that I had been using it in a superficial way, getting by it, on my way, as if there were nothing much within it to be seen or questioned, nothing to be stopped for, as if in a way there were no contents to it. What I saw later was there were actually plenty of contents, but contents that I’d preferred to keep invisible, so that after a million experiences of discomfort, it was no longer recognizable as such, but just as part of a normality of my experience of me. And yes I recognize now a desperation energy in there too, something that I may have justified within myself on an intellectual level, referring to ‘the problem’ of communication or some such thing, and so stepping away from awareness of myself within this word. When I look beneath the surface of all this at who I am within this word as an emotional being, with concerns about fear and insecurity: my experience had been, still is partly, an experience of insecurity in sharing, and within that, retraction of responsibility to me, retraction of consideration for me and little regard for my reality, and within and as an emotional reality, little consideration of others on a real level that is in my life, connected to me in some way or another. This word as I look into it now is a name I also gave to what I recognized in some way as a child, though I did not have the words, as an experience of crisis in self honesty.

So here, regardless of my thoughts about these things, regardless of my fears of how my sharing of myself might possibly redound on me destructively, how it may possibly do damage to an image of myself, the fears of the bad of me that I had defined as me, and hidden away and lived in shame; it is with regard to accepting that as who I am that that I learned how to protect myself, to form a fear of sharing, a fear of shame, a fear of being defined as wrong, and so with all of that, to define my relationship to sharing on an emotional level, paying homage to a vulnerability, and to being within and as a limitation of myself within self interest, with protection and fear both merged together serving only emotional me and the management of energies within my mind, and without a reference to the physical world.

Looking into that, I can see how I’d release the energies from this word as I had defined it and lived it, so that I see then how I’d want the word to be for me would be in hearing it, or speaking it, or meeting with it in any way, that it would be a wonderful moment, a moment of honouring self and honouring an other person, both at once.
And there are other possibilities of this word, that I am kind of surprised might really exist for real for me: how awareness of my own reality might then be strengthened, rather than threatened, confirmed rather than undermined, how in sharing, that I make steps in extending my responsibility to me, rather than retracting it.


So regardless of my thoughts about these things, regardless my fears, regardless of this vigilance that has come up in me, regardless of my assessments of it’s value or worth, that in sharing this, I stand as the decision in this moment not to any longer block expression of these points, realisations, insights, dimensions, challenges, that follow. And facing who I am within this specific point of sharing is to me a challenge.

I mean there is an impossibility about sharing in the way that I have lived it, defined myself within this word, centred in an emotional definition of myself in the way that I have lived me, which in and as emotional relationships with my mind only, there is no access to the reality of the external world, where sharing might exist in a genuine sense, for real, and within that sharing who I am in acknowledgement of me as real, that who I am in honouring myself thus, I learn in incremental steps to be more proud of who I am in finding courage in myself to face these aspects of myself that I have judged as bad and defined as shameful, where what I have accepted and allowed to exist has been a version of me that pays homage to a belief about being victim to the judgements of the beings around me and in accepting that, a definition of myself as fragile, that possibly might break down in an expectation of a barrage of negative judgement. That barrage in my mind has served protectively as an example of a worst case scenario, coming out of memories of real events in my early life, that may have once been real, but now are merely memories that I have accepted and allowed and preserved within my mind as notes upon ‘how not to be’, or in a childish catalogue of ‘the dangers of being real’, as warnings about what may happen if I were to simply speak the thoughts or words or questions.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sharing according to a fear that I have connected into judgement.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of the world around me, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who and how I am can be defined by reactions to what I do or say. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived a life in which I have defined sharing in fear and insecurity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing with myself how I really am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize a hostile world so as to protect me from my own imagined consequence of sharing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Sharing to exist in me as a trigger of emotional reactions: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me these reactions.

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 23 Feb 2017, 20:43

Day 372: Honouring


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This is a continuation on from ‘Sharing’.


Honouring an other being seems kind of natural, I mean all of us obviously being here in the same predicament of existence, and in that sense already standing in all each others’ shoes. A salutation of this reality is for me in the starting point of honouring.

And yet, looking into an expectation to be judged, and the fear involved, and the energies that gathered up into the word Sharing, what I see expressed is in fact dishonour; in my projections onto others, holding them within projected personality designs and attitudes of judgement, rather than allowing them to respond from within themselves as for real.

That dishonouring of the world of beings is the cost of valuing the fear so highly, that defines the boundaries of a comfort zone in which honouring of all others as myself seems all good, only given that I have excluded the reality of me, and within that, disconnected honouring from life, from being able to be lived, but instead believed these things I told myself in simulating honour, while on a deeper level I was at the same time held within a programming of contempt by me. Acknowledging this underlying spitefulness within me, as an aspect of who I am in relation to sharing is a challenge. I mean what I am doing to other beings is exactly the thing that I fear them doing to me.

Interesting that it has not made difference, but in practical reality, checking it, I see that mostly in fact this does not happen, people do not do that thing, and something that I see now also is that then what comes up in me, in an instance of realization of this, is a sense of gratitude, or surprise, with an underlying puzzlement of the mind, seeing that in the realm of expectations there is a glitch, a momentary collapse of a false reality, or in that moment, in a way it as if things don’t add up, so looking into that moment there I had not previously seen it as a reaction.

What I see here is how this moment through the judgements of the mind, can be perceived as failure, that I am failed within such natural events, as in not being with the flow of that, or that my mistake within this situation is who I am, so going down those routes what I have accepted and allowed is for myself to be defined by this self judgement, as having failure as my being, and therefore accepting and allowing this moment to act as a reminder of the experience of that, where in reaction to an open response, I shift into self interest, from the starting point of how I’ve seen this, into the emotional reality of my mind, or else the route of positive judgement of the being, nice on the surface, but as well in fact dishonouring.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition
Sharing into and as protection of the self from the impact of negative judgements and as point of fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me to use the word Sharing as a label or trigger of ‘an emotional issue’ for me, or of an energetic complex of experience for me, rather than allowing me to see a simple reference to the means of an honest/frank/straightforward relationship, that is the word Sharing with an existential, real dimension, simple as in redefining Sharing to be for me, in support of me, to be lived as who I am.




Ok so I’ve been opening it up a little further here. next time…

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 10 Mar 2017, 13:41

Day 373: Defining Being as ‘Good’.



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So: about finding Dark Mind purposes within my words, where I see how I have been accepting a dishonouring, or an insult, of beings, all in service of my fear expression, so here an insight of an inner dark force stationed in a word, and so as a part of me.

Stepping back from judgements of this, I see how I had been looking through a lens of how I had defined ‘being’, where in seeing Being as an idealization of a kind of pre-existing living innocence, then seeing through the lens of that, ideas of a fundamental goodness find a place, so that on that basis, an authoritive ‘just stop it’, ‘stop doing that’ carries an expectation that in stopping that, one will then revert to something good or natural as a default expression of being.

And yet it is not like that: Where the system has no alternative it will revert to itself. It’s like yes the being is ok, but it is trained in doing all these insane things in relation to and in retaliation to life so that therefore there has to be not only a ‘stop that’ but plus a ‘do this instead’ in the equations of change. Not simply change, but change to.

Sounding the words Change and Change To there is quite a difference in my body. It’s as if Change were more of a cliff-hanger, while in Change To, I remain standing with myself in making a decision, rather than with the cliff-hanger of: There is a situation now, and what will happen? Seeing through my own belief in the outer surfaced nature of my words, I begin to see the self deception in which here an underlying spite has been allowed to exist in the word Sharing, and yet has been justified and modified to be more acceptable both to self and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being’ as innocence, and within that, an assumption of good. I forgive myself that within this word Innocence that I have defined a blame of the creation of consciousness, as if it were an imposition, and as if there were a Golden Age. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this blame to accept and allow the experience of being disempowered, as the victim within Innocence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to reconnect this innocence experience out of a fear of the experience of guilt. I forgive myself that I have tied into the word ‘being’ these emotional values where I have made relationships between guilt and innocence, where I have projected guilt out onto the world in the form of blame.

I forgive myself that I have given such a frame to the word Being through which I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world of me, where I have not seen or realized how much this world was altered by the frame through which I looked, where I had set conditions on my observation, and in believing in this observation, that I had not accepted or allowed myself to see myself ‘as is’, but instead as the definitions that I had accepted allowed within the structure of the word Being, as some idealized form, and the assumption of it being that to which the simple stopping of behaviours would naturally revert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this assumption, and that through this assumption that I have often left points uncorrected, or then undirected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself within disempowerment, where in this assumption, doing nothing seems ok, where this underlying goodness nature of the being is only an illusion, a conditioned way of seeing my fundamental starting point, where seeing through that and acting from that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand for no change needed here, and have justified a form of giving up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the feeling of disempowerment as a form of comfort zone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put positive energy values on to letting go of responsibility for who I am.


https://eqafe.com/p/introducing-energy- ... -awareness

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 10 Mar 2017, 13:55

Day 374: Fishing in the Sky


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It’s interesting how I did not see what I was doing while at the same time it was obvious: there is that normalization effect within the way of seeing certain things, the lenses one might tend to use, the framing, the back-drop context, the lighting, as if all of these had been used habitually and in time, hardly noticed, where I had believed that I was simply in my mind just simply looking at a word – and yet what was happening was that I was already way out into the ethereal and looking for a reference of me within some projection of a blue print in the abstract: all of that I see now as part of my way of coping with the energies that I had accepted and allowed to exist and to activate from within the word Purpose. It’s interesting how if one puts authority into a thing, then it remains as a source of reference – in this example, looking to the ends of the world as if to see the signature of the detail of my relationship to existence as a whole.

Within this I had sort of veiled or muffled the word within an illusion of ‘knowing’ in my mind, of where to look and find the how of ‘How my life applies’, with a scanning of the Ether, as if checking once again, for a certain constellation, and within not finding that, but ‘knowing’ that it was there, somewhere in some way or another, there is a giving up as the effort, good intentions, dissipate into the void, and what I had accepted and allowed within this was a belief that I had placed myself in an ok light, as some sort of frisson of nobility within giving up of an attempt to embrace it all…

Standing in the shoes of an emotional relationship to the world, the world of words, through which the shape of my life path I have formed by definition and decision making in emotion and according to emotion – and seeing this aspect of myself, of how I have created me – then from in the midst of patterns such as this, I see how the word Purpose stands out as a distant key, as a distant solution, something inconceivable, something beyond, as seen through the eyes of a world of automated experience and accepted fear.

Here I see from this perspective how rather than in seeing how small I’d made myself in relation to this word, I had not questioned that but I had instead in a way fallen into a particular way of being towards this word, of basking in the glory of this apparent absolute, somehow satisfied in this regard with having purpose as an implication only.

In a world of words that have emotional experience at their fore-front, there is a distinct path dictated by the emotional reactions, the negative and the positive motivations, within conditions of having no go areas, and accepted limitations – this is where seeing back into my past I see it’s like how I accepted and allowed a maze creation process, where decisions were made from out of emotion, and walls erected and designed for the management of each moment, and within that process I am in an illusion that the maze exists, I am in an illusion that the maze exists in separation from me, that if I were to look across it I might see the overall plan of it, not realizing that I was creating it spontaneously, that there was nothing more to it than the immediate twists and turns and walls and dead end passageways that dictated the outline of my comfort zone in each moment, according to my own equations of how to be in an experience of myself in relation to emotion.

What of the walls of this maze? The surfaces of wall in these scenarios were experiences that I had defined as fear, and in a way, that had been enough, rather than looking further into it and seeing within that fear an almost physical experience of my separation from myself in facing who I am in self dishonesty, where conveniently in a way I have been satisfied instead to see it as being fear only, fear in separation, in a way to justify the reactions, to stabilize the comfort zone, and make the fear into a target of blame.

So it’s easier to see how and why from within and as such an emotion dominated life phase/experience, the word Purpose would be construed so distant, so unreachably far, so ethereal, so overarching, while at the same time seeing the bullshit narrative of myself within and as these projections, where reminders of responsibility, such as with the word Purpose were not to be included.

So, it’s in seeing myself within this game, that I find a point of access to the word. And also a glimpse of an agenda that is working for a purpose that is not in support of self or of life but for the purposes of a personality system of consciousness – to survive, to protect the comfort zones, and so the fears that define such zones, and within this, Purpose without responsibility, functioning in a Dark Mind way.

In seeing that, and asking what energy within that and around that point, I see an energy of denial, with all kinds of protections of the secret mind, where in a way sometimes seemingly at all costs who I really am as Purpose is secret, not to be exposed. Within this there is a fear of the experience of shame and intense guilt where I envision my charade of being ‘good’ collapsing, the consequence of being called out, and the game being up.

So a couple of dimensions of Purpose where it becomes clear that I have been - fishing in the sky - in a way – so here some new beginnings into clearing this word for me, to a bringing it into the physical reality zone that is here now today, each day, to equalize myself with purpose here and to release the energies that I have accepted and allowed to exist within it.

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 12 Mar 2017, 19:53

Day 375: Futility and Fuel-T


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Self Forgiveness on an emotion/feeling energy that I have accepted and allowed to exist as an obstacle to action/justification of non-action, an energy that leads to giving-up, a feeling both of Doom and Comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed even a small reminder of Futility to act as an authority within my mind, as a trigger to immediately hesitate or cancel an endeavor, or retract myself from action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined within these moments by the emotion of futility, by movements of these energies inside me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my path according to my acceptance and allowance of the limitations of these energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Futility as a warning flag, and that I have not seen that in my acceptance of the warning, therefore I have accepted and allowed a fear of what might happen. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and tolerated fear as part of my definition of safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define comfort zones within distraction from what is here for me to face, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on distraction for my comfort, while all the time within myself I am aware that this distraction cannot be enough to cover it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a comfort zone that is enclosed by a fear of the experience of Futility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in seeing that I am deliberately hiding in distractions, and that within accepting and allowing myself to be defined by this judgement, that I then go into tolerance of guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in tolerance of guilt as a reaction to my judgements of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this guilt as the price of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear an experience of who I am as Futility, to fear an experience of realization of futility, that will apparently come along inevitably and then invalidate all my efforts. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a future in which I see that all my efforts have no value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a paradox in which I go into an illusion of fear from listening to a warning of the dangers of walking into an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realise and understand that the sensations of melting, sinking, draining are what I have accepted and allowed to exist as an experience of me in Futility, and that these feelings and sensations are the effects of my withdrawal, where I have already retracted from myself in reaction to Futility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a comfort zone in which I have become the belief that Purpose is to no avail. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me instant access to a belief that for me, Purpose cannot be real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that for me Purpose cannot be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in righteousness within accepting and allowing an experience of Futility. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, within and as Futility to become superior to efforts made, to future efforts I might make.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within Futility as being all-knowing of the absolutes; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me back-chats such as ‘I will always be giving up’ that who I am within the essence of myself is giving-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a Futile system in which I listen to the words of back-chat, ‘It will always be like this’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this statement seem more real through the many times that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this, and so imprint it into me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an element of proving that I’m right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Futility reminders to be as a gate to open other systems up within myself, such as paths of tiredness and depression and validations of worthlessness as judgements of myself: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize Futility in the service of the systems, through the activations of which I then eventually give up. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Futility as Fuel-T, where I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life from within and as the word Futility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to validate Futility, attempting to make a repetition of emotional experience into an abiding fact, as an underlying reality of my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through this to seek to justify Futility so as to protect a comfort zone in which I do not have to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in avoiding me, that the relief I experience is real: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relief within avoidance of myself and parts of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and entertain myself with back-chats that are themselves supported by the emotion of futility: statements such as ‘I will always be giving up’, ‘that who I am within the essence of myself is giving-up’, ‘that it will always be like this’, and ‘why make an effort to discover and experience once again this basic fact of who I am?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the authority within these words is me, that within these words there is comfort in these certain statements, while in myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp for certainty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to these back-chats in the context of words spoken in common sense. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, and not question this.

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 26 Mar 2017, 16:57

Day 376: Beneath Futility



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Considering words both as components of my mind, and also at the same time as components of each other, where groups of words are placed within the worlds of each word to mutually support a definition – so that in the exploration of the words that I am living day to day, in process of distinguishing the parts, what I find are words within the words that are also parts of me, functioning so as to hold the definition of a word in place, in the service of another word as part of me.

As an example of this, looking into an aspect of the architecture of a word, that is in the service of a personality, a word that supports a resistance, where I see that I have taken a position of inflexibility, or of a determination, or a resolution to by whatever means, to hold a position, to hold a blame in place, to stabilize that relationship to the world, to keep refreshed an image of consistency, and functions galore. That point of me as Resolution for example, that is embedded in Resistance, or me as this prop or barrier of Intransigence that I refer to in the workings of a word, that keeps the structure of the word intact, where simply I have scripted in parts of me as Intransigence and Resolution into the holding up of blame.

This realization is a gift in a way, because as I explore the words, I find for example: here amongst the architecture and twists and turns within a word, a fine example of me within and as Resolution that I have placed in such a way that actually supports a veil within myself that I have myself signed-off, arranged and accepted the designs of. I mean, it’s like in a way coming across a word and seeing that, yes, you are a very fine word, but you are in the wrong place, I have placed you in such a way that I cannot apprehend a realization of myself, because I placed you in acceptance of who I am in a starting point of fear, therefore if the word Resolution seems a little fuzzy here, well yes that is also part of this design, the focal depth deliberately tweaked, so that seeing self within and as Resolution becomes obscure and shadowy and wrought with experience of fear and realization of self dishonesty combined.

These are some of the conditions that I find, exploring Futility, where I see how I have accepted and allowed Futility to exist as a condition of the world, where I have then created relationships to Futility and the world on that belief, created personalities that function on that belief as a resource, where I have accepted and allowed the experience of the word Futility to be as a trigger of a planning process that eventually unfolds in giving up.

When rock-bottom is not in fact The Bottom, but has a rocky form: looking into a specific location of a rock-bottom experience. Rock-bottom: to me a place that I arrive at where I have believed in that looking at the ground and seeing recalcitrance, impenetrability, resistance on resistance, where glimpsing that I am ready and willing in my mind to receive and accept such perceptions as real, as if to see with my physical eyes an absolute: that this is it, that this is all there is, that here I meet that ‘truth’ about this core of me, where all else seems like a pretense that is blown away and lost and all that remains is what I have ‘always known’, so that even in this pit, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comforting myself in feelings of my mind of righteousness.

Here is a specific example and location of a rock-bottom moment, preserved within the profile of a word: where rather than looking and seeing my own words living of resolution and intransigence, inflexibility, and considering who I am within and as these words in these locations, within the very depths of my own words as me, rather than looking into this and seeing then how I may support myself, adjust myself, correct myself in respect and consideration and love for me, instead what I have done is to become totally in awe of my own resolution, my own intransigence, and so less-than in relation to them, experiencing fear as another shadow in my emotional world, and then within and as a personality design, brushing past and around it all.

That rock-bottom moment is in not seeing the disempowerment of self that is the point in the exertion of blame, where for me there was a moment of blaming the world as I saw it, where in holding of that blame in place, I then experienced this disempowerment of myself as something real, as the rock at rock bottom, as this unpleasant secret of myself that there was in fact nothing there, no seed upon the barren ground from which to grow myself, as being without a natural option. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed this word Futility to exist as a veil to disguise my own responsibility within this disempowerment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect this rock bottom experience of myself as a secret, and that within and as Protection from exposure that I have accepted and allowed for fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make narratives for me to live given that my experience of myself as this impenetrable rock is real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an experience of Futility as something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within defining and describing my experience of self disempowerment, as in having given up within my self dishonesty of blame assertion in relation to the world, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in Futility as being the rock bottom experience of myself, beneath which only experience of failure to penetrate my own darkness exists. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear experience of ego stepping down when it comes to recognizing and acknowledging my own responsibility in this script of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of shame within an idea in my mind of exposure of this secret in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own responsibility, and that I have defined Responsibility as disastrous to a world founded on blame that is my own creation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear in looking on my self creation within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this disempowerment experience is real, and then to believe in this rock bottom experience that I have created that I must therefore make a life from this acceptance, in which, triggered by Futility I then make narratives within my mind of how to be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that even acting from the base of this belief, that in narrative creation for future programming, for making up of stories and deceptions, for personality design, that who I am within and as resourcefulness is clear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I am responding to a vision of myself as this disempowerment within the word Futility, while at the same time making plans to go on from ‘there’ within and as my own resourcefulness channeled into narrative creation.

Here is where like I have taken this Futility as a ‘given’, have taken the situation of an apparent shut-down experience and used it as a platform of narrative creation, where in deconstruction of the narratives, returns me to this underlying shut-down and first questions of who am I within and as this shut-down but never really faced but with the resource of resourcefulness instead went into cunning plans to simulate the patterns, making narratives to walk, personalities to work, simulations in the absence of this shut-down core.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘Futility’ checks to be sourced from definition of myself as Failure, and that from this that I have found within this a reassurance in dark mind way: I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see what I have been doing here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this point as a device of self manipulation, where experiencing in this shut-down that I am not able to simply move myself, that I have then resorted to Futility as a source of negative reaction, and that I have established a fulcrum from which to simulate a movement, from which to generate a living narrative to substitute for the absence that is here within myself.



Continuing next post…

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 08 Apr 2017, 17:42

Day 377: Egg Shells, and Guilt


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Not wanting to be here – in the hot spot – wanting to disappear through the floor, wanting to run away, not wanting to move; all of those conflicting messages that are in the actual muscles ready to be activated and enacted. Removing layers of guilt I become aware of that walking-on-eggshells experience in my legs and feet: a sort of juddering of hesitations, and in the touching of the ground a tentative commitment.

What could be just a simple physical flow of walking and transitions of the body weight, seems full of interferences, so that with my ongoing processes of investigation of these layers of guilt, I also kind of gently push my intention of simply walking for me as me down through my legs and feet and into a different relationship or meeting with the Earth, and in this walking exercise, sometimes I have to stop for a moment because I realise that through some thought distraction that I have once again allowed the walking habit to take over, so it’s a breathe, come back, and be here simply moment, and so continue into the next step.

There is not only the peeling off of layers of guilt from the past, as in debunking false premises and foundations of structures I have lived, but there is also ongoingly the stopping of creation of new layers, such as in not any more listening to the backchats and responding to them in the habitual cycles of the construct, where having blamed the world that I have become like a trespasser in it, and in being as guilt I stand with this belief: about my nature, that who I am is inherently wrong or bad, that my step upon the Earth is therefore not legitimate.

Within this practice of my walking there is also this new point for me: that being moved by emotion I have not learned yet who I am directly in a way that would simply move my legs and walking as an exercise of self support. For me there is a ‘It’s a new day in existence’ sort of context in the lifting of these layers, being unsure what exactly that it is beneath addictions to the guilt, beneath the premise of this badness nature, that I have so invested in and exploited, and made a system out of: and at first it was a leap into, Well, therefore I must love myself, respect myself, see me in the context of so many lives, thoughts like that, and yet looking at the word Love I question is this even really the word for what it is? How can I make that assumption when I have not lived this word for me as me?

And yet what I know is within my body is a lifting of spirits, a relaxation of the diaphragm, a more expansive breath and breadth, the possibility of seeing myself in a new light, with a new respect. So there is like this looking at the new day in which I am not sure exactly how I’ll go along, where it might lead to, what might happen, like it’s kind of in a way a different world, a lighter one, a new dispensation, a new relationship to the physical body, and through that, to the world, literally a new day on Earth. So a new day also within a question to myself that contains a new potential of What shall I do now in the world that is not the same to me, where I see that I have lived this sentence that has been a sentence of abuse that seemed at one time to me according to my understanding of my mind, as the only way to go, rather than, What shall I do within this separation that I have accepted and allowed, how shall I be me in what I do, in how I am with me, in how I walk into this world, into this physical phase of my existence.

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 09 Apr 2017, 12:47

Day 378: Narratives of Guilt


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Continued…

The narratives of a future of continued guilt are the narratives in which all goes wrong, all will fail, will come to nothing, these are the types of backchat that are carried in this guilt; the pre-programmings of a future life of guilt, where rising up in the course of a day there would be a drag back, like something always pulling back, a reluctance, while within and as this pattern I had not noticed how I had been channeling my anger as contempt for me in living as the definition and recipient of these hostile judgements – where I had accepted and allowed this, like a constant dipping into a dark resource of motivation, reacting to the who I am as bad and wrong and those things – and so through judgements then, find ways to access guilt, and so then to walk the practiced patterns of my management of that, those patterns being like giving up with visions of futility, like hiding from that world in which all is left but to demonstrate again that everything will go wrong, or else not bother, get that energetic tired thing up, and slide into depression.

It’s interesting in a way that the guilty personality depends upon being fed by judgements, because there is a new aspect for me in this realization: that in forgiving me in my instances of self judgement, in my propensity for self judgement, forgiving me for my acceptance and allowance of participating in this judgement, there is an aspect that I hadn’t seen, in which while I forgive myself in this, I have not looked at how at the same time I still accept myself to be dependent on these judgements so as to feed and activate the familiar ground of guilt, where I ‘know’ in my mind what to do and how to deal with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy experience of guilt, and within that how I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on my access to self judgement in order to constantly supply the guilt with the fuel of my reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within this point, where I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as victimized by these judgements, when there is a reality beneath this in which I am secretly responding to a need I have myself constructed and designed to feed this guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require being triggered by self-judgement so as to feed this personality of guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me guilt experience as a backdoor in my mind, where returning to the patterns that I have lived have seemed attractive like a form of safety, I forgive myself that within this I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something different in my life.

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 15 Apr 2017, 19:40

Day 379: Care and Matter


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I don’t Care and It doesn’t Matter: Here looking into the conflict that I have accepted and allowed to exist as who I am within the word Care, and in relation to Care.

Many instances of relationships to the word Care turn up in my explorations of how I have defined myself in various words, or in relationship with those words. Currently I am discovering how many times over I have defined myself in opposition to Care – many, well, millions of times – I have made decisions involving the use and abuse of the word Care, decisions in which my assumptions of the meaning of the word actually were instead, looking closer, more like a familiar experience of a certain blend of emotions, that in my mind I labeled as ‘Care’.

Like many of the crucial words of my life, I utilized them from an emotional core of meaning in the very constructs that I accepted and allowed and then lived, and so through the perspectives of those constructs I was living as, I could not see this. So I have found my abuses of this word to play a part in many instances of decision Care to have a depth to it in coming from within my definitions of myself, as an enabler of personality designs, as a personality in itself, as a possession, as cathartic in decision making processes.

Examples of this have been in for example walking Diligence: what I found was that this component of Care that I had placed within the word Diligence that I had decided to live, and then allowed myself to fall down in, when came up in my backchat in a sabotaging moment in the form of ‘I don’t care’; and in the example of the word Obligation also, in which the ‘I don’t care’ acted as final refusal, superior to reason.

In seeing and being shown how Care itself defines a relationship to the world, both within and without, that it is like a manifestation of the principle of life, of doing as you would be done unto, then what I see when I start looking into the reality of me within my words, what I see is something very different from that to exist, in the decision of – instead, not doing that – and, in a way getting off on defying life, for all those energetic reasons, then the definition of care in the how of how those words are used, applied, approached, is not in relation to the physical world but to my emotions, to my projections, and in the service of my energetic constructs. Just in this I see a serious problem in putting into application ‘doing as you would be done unto’ while the word I live as Care remains unredefined, predominantly energized, and without connections to the physical world, to the reality of Life.

In looking at how I have defined myself in Care, I see how I have used it habitually in defense or in denial, as in the backchat statement of ‘I don’t care’, and in the physicality of the shrug and shrugging off maneuver, where through various manipulations, Care had been distorted into a reference to the experience of ‘pressure’ from the outside, or pressure from the conscience, pressure of some expectation, pressure from some system or another, into and as a burden of some kind: and so within and as that, justifying ‘I don’t Care’ as a reference to some pre-existent blame, where in this I have attached an energy to Care, so that when I access this, what I am accepting and allowing is a function of my own persuasion systems, , standing as that blame, that leads me back into the comfort zone of righteousness and guilt. Standing as a character of I don’t Care then for a moment I manipulate myself into disregard of all objections, being ok with what I’m doing, and then to go into the toleration of it within the softening of the guilt with ‘It doesn’t matter’.

That ‘It’ in ‘It doesn’t matter’: How have I learned to be so blasé with what is essentially contained within that word It? Where within this, what I see is that I have accepted and allowed a total disheartening of me, kind of by the by, where I have accepted and allowed a heartlessness in how that I asserted definitions on myself, such as with self judgements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me this experience of disheartening, in which becoming Disheartened itself, I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of how I feel with how I have accepted and allowed myself to treat myself.

Classroom I don’t care: Looking at a memory that was from an experience in the classroom, in a moment of admiration for a person saying out loud “I don’t care!” They were shrugging off the rules, the fear of breaking rules. In that moment who I was within such admiration was like seeing a magic formula within the expression of “I don’t care”, that it could be applied in such a way, that in saying this, I might evoke that confidence within myself that I saw in this person, that I might too shake off the rules and expectations that were constantly overwhelming me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘I don’t care’ to become functional as permission for the system, to ease me into going for the temptation, the energy reward. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the statement “I don’t care” a trigger of experience within me, experience of self righteousness and superiority, oblivious to consequence and to the worlds of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within the statement “I don’t care” as standing for ‘freedom’ in this as ‘my-life’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within my experience of myself within the statement of “I don’t care” a perspective of time in which the only time is now within this bubble: that there exists no other time but now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this statement, declaration of “I don’t care” as a reaction of disregard for the concerns of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and to embody a personality of ‘I don’t care’, in retaliation to care, that who I am is superior within not caring, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this as an evidence of Freedom, that in standing as this personality I feed an image in my mind of who I am as ‘Free’.






Continuing in next post…

Adam Closs
Posts: 435
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 16 Apr 2017, 13:01

Day 380: Care and Matter 2


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Dismayed and dis-made: seeing so many systems I have lived as I look into my memories where in self forgiveness and release of emotional energies, and through that, drawing back the veils, a more realistic history of me emerges that altogether shows to me a me I had not recognized before – dismayed that things were not as I had cracked them up to be – and seeing these things dis-made I am seeing also ‘non of that was real’ not as an emotional point as I had done in the past, but as a point of realization also, that I may not feel too good about it, but at least it is real, truly me.

So within dismay also the realization of a hope collapsing, that my good-light view of me could pass before my eyes as real. And within dismay that none of that was real, there was a point of seeing how I had attempted to be supporting that which was unreal with a hope that I could somehow make it real, and so not have to step down from it. Seeing that in my memories I had made a version of events in which I looked to me better than I was: the innocent, the victim, the one on higher ground, the reasonable one – and standing back from all of that, I am seeing how even in the secret mind I had made up versions of myself so as to justify myself to me, not seeing how I needed this agenda, how and in what way I needed this, and who I was within this need.


Continuing from Day 379…

The transition of I don’t care into It doesn’t matter: and their relationship to management of guilt, where what I found was that in and as the feeder of the guilt addiction was my fear to let go of the definition of myself according to the hostile judgements of myself that I had made and lived so many systems out of, and from – where I found a Solution being to choose for me how to live as love for me, and in a way to redefine from scratch.

In looking into and seeing a doubt in that, a resistance, a kind of flimsiness, where a love for me seemed difficult to embrace, with memories of having let myself down, as if inevitably; thus a question came up in me, how can I embrace for me in support of me, the tough in tough love?

In seeing that in love redefined in equality of having the aspect of not accepting and allowing from me anything less than the best of me in this moment, then this question opens up a perspective of how instead of toughness in saying no to things that do not support me that I have justified a reality in which I have let it happen, where this ‘letting it happen’ has gradually become a part of me.

Here is No as an act of love, with love not as a thrill of energy or a spiritual feeling, but as a strength in self support. So in moving myself instead of being moved at the opening of my guilt patterns, such as when this I don’t care declaration comes up, I commit to this No as an act of love to me, a No that is neither positive nor negative but is simply directive. Such a commitment also is an application of real Care, and a recognition of my real self by me which was the experience that I wanted from being small, the experience of care, of being cared for, of being valued, recognized, that out of spite I chose to not give myself.

Seeing that, instead now I give to me that recognition that I wanted, and walk a careful No in relation to this pattern. Within this I look at who I am within myself in the action of directing me, that is not letting me down, not any more me letting myself down in servicing the guilt, but is instead supportive.


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