Day 407: Walking with SOUL, the word Dispute (7)
Dispute and Explanation
What I am sharing here are points that have come with the definition and redefinition processes of who I am in relation to the word Dispute. Why am I writing about this right now is in the context of Redefining the word Dispute, where for example in the opportunity of communication, I make sure that I am not already participating in an argument that does not exist, that has no substance, give myself the time to check what I have said, what is my actual starting point? What exists within me as reactions to a remark that I just made?
So easy with a lot of practice to eventually develop expertise, a kind of fluency, in instantly coming up with a reason, an excuse, an explanation, a deflection of some kind, a redirection of the narrative: It was just that… this and that and that… with, ‘It was Just that’ – like a setting or a frame, for that which follows. And yet in that moment also there is an awareness in me - of how it is that I have shifted into a world of blame, and spite, through that very expertise, within which there is an ample spread laid out, of skills of deception and manipulation – that if - in defining the experience as being cornered – in an area of Dispute – that in that situation – then how I am defined in explanation is from a starting point of emotion: fear of being exposed, found out, that is fear of being out there, in real life, of coming out as real, of walking through that door.
A solution that came up was in strengthening my stand: how I could stabilize myself in Dispute with Explanation: Grounded Explanation, I mean releasing ‘Explanation’ from the functions of defense and excuse, and as well the judgements of myself as being in – or being about to go into - that excusing act of explanation - I see immediately how with release of these energetic contents, how the word may – instead - support me, where in the Explanation: ‘Everything’ gets Grounded, and within that, lines are drawn to Earth, positions plotted, a sense of a location of where/who/why/how I am that is opening in my words, a part of me that I do not know, that simply stepping out there in a living opportunity of communication I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on who I am in Explanation, in the backchat of, It’ll take too long, There is no time.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience in myself a sort of compression at the brink of an opportunity of communication. I commit myself to flag this experience of compression, this sense of being squashed, to really more accurately define it, when it comes down on me like that, so that I may see the instrumentality of it and change it. Writing here, I see that much of my backchat has got that put-down, squashing, undermining tone, that projected on the world creates an expectation in my mind of negative reception, where as a tone within the undermining backchats of, ‘It’ll take too long, There is no time’, I have given away my living time for me into the hands of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this experience of compression and to then participate in being hurried by an imagined expectation, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being as if within a countdown in a field of limited patience, as if that were my only breathing space. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live patience in myself in relationship to me in the area of Dispute.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in the opportunity of communication for being too slow, for being too disconnected, for being out-of-step with things, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of discomfort in my body that comes over me, out of my acceptance of these judgements of my worth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have these expectations of myself: that in my presentation of myself, everything I say reflects an image of myself as ‘understanding’, being fully in control of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this image of understanding and control to become a condition of communication, where in my mind I firstly run it by my censorship of me. I forgive myself that I have judged myself and accessed shame in failing to meet my expectations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access disappointment in myself and to sink backwards and away from the living edge of conversation into a familiar quietness of regret of who I find myself to be that is not good enough to meet my expectations of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown parts of me that might possibly appear in my words, that may undermine this image. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through participating in fear of unknown parts of me, to have closed the doors of curiosity to parts of me I do not know. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose patience with myself as I walk with me - from denial of parts of me that I have suppressed - into a new area of support for me, with a new curiosity towards these parts, because in seeing realising and understanding that the denials and the suppressions of parts of me were real, then in seeing that, it simply follows that parts of me remain unknown to me, and, that the extent of that remains unknown.
I forgive myself that I have never really given myself the time to consider this: that much of me remains unknown to me, that much of who I am is in fact an undiscovered world. I commit myself to bring this realization with me, to bring and walk and live this realization into my expression, to bring this into my redefinition of who I am, and into how I stand within and as Dispute, in the context of this undiscovered nature of ourselves upon a so far undiscovered Earth.
The fact of there being Existential Process going on, waves of change throughout existence – for beings in all dimensions – such news comes through for all of us in current Eqafe recordings – where the existence of Eqafe itself, of Desteni, of the Portal, marks this opening for all of us on Earth, a time in which we realise that in ourselves we have not really yet discovered Earth, not yet allowed ourselves to live the very substance of ourselves, and that we have within and through our very words, defined ourselves in exile from the physical, as interpretations of our substance into energy. In redefining Physical, all of us together are in the dawning of a realization of a deeper reality, in which there is ahead of us a process of walking this into our lives, and how we stand, and what we stand on Here, in and as and for.