Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 04 Nov 2017, 18:51

Day 411: Anchors in the Matrix, and Living Nightmares


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Last post was in the Anchorage of words and writing, and the way that one can ‘get-lost’ in the matrix of one’s own reality. And though much time has passed, I have not moved away from those considerations, but further into them, and looking out for other anchor points. When I look into Anchor, something that I see in it is a point of Trust.

I am writing here kind of in the topic-zone of Waking Up From The Living Nightmare, in which Anu shares perspective and observations of current process in the world: where in different ways we are in the nightmare experience of living an experience but at the same time can’t wake up from it.


In the context of this, some serendipity was in listening again to some very early interviews that came through about ten years ago or so in which beings are in a way unfolding the primaries of a hitherto unknown reality. The early Desteni recordings are like another anchor for me: they carry a distinct enthusiasm/news of the recent break-through, an optimism, almost jubilation sometimes – of what just happened - in which for the first time ever, dimensional beings are speaking to the beings on Earth through the access of the Portal. Listening to this particular recording again, what I hear this time, is Expression and Self-Expression redefined.

Here’s an extract from the words of Grace: Life after Death Research, Desteni 2007:

“I don’t exist yet I do: I am the voice that speak as that which exists. I am not individual and yet I have an expression of myself. I am not a definition of a pure memory of that which I was, here on Earth, of other people’s perceptions of me, which I’ve become.
Have a look at what people become in the world: memories, people’s expectations, people’s interpretations, your parents, those that are around you in your world, your friends… it’s as though we’re living in the past the whole time. And we have to stop so that we are able to express what is here, which is us. That’s why we’re not living – because we’re living in the past. It’s impossible to express yourself when you are in the past, and we’re all in the past in this world every day.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPv0JLihcKc

Practical solutions/ working methods to STOPPING THIS have been developed in the years since Grace made this recording: such as the process of Defining, Redefining and Living words. SOUL.

Seeing how it is the definitions from the past that we have lived as who we are, and from out of that, what we have become, then, through honest introspection, and seeing as much as possible - as is - the content of a word - as it actually exists and functions in me - that I have accepted and allowed, and so compiled and integrated - this internal survey is where I can expose to me my blueprints of this present life that I created, the specifics of my matrix of reality, the structures of the past that remain imprinted into me, that reach into the present, limiting and defining my expression here.


And from another of the early interviews, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdwYM0R8f5c
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain) Interview 2. The Being, describing his observations of Humanity and the physical reality on Earth, says that what he saw was that ”human beings were imprisoned in their self expression”.

Simply that, I mean I take here simply that out of his words. And what came up in me was a memory of a point in my life of great anger at myself that I had trapped myself in such a way. A point in my early life in which guilt had been a constant self expression, and along with guilt, a fatefulness, being in a place where changing things did not exist. Such as in family relationship possessions. And yes, that was a Living Nightmare, in the past and it was in that Living Nightmare that I first formed relationships with people, tangled up in multiple relationship possessions. It was in that Living Nightmare that I accepted and allowed myself to become embroiled into a web of the complexities of a group of beings, like me, in process of their own.

On the construct of sibling rivalry here are a couple of references:

From Parents and Siblings are Keepers of the Past - Bernard Poolman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWUPJuLg6wo Your sister, your brother, your parents that will come up with the old stuff from the past and use it against you: it’s like they will accumulate every mistake, they will keep it in their arsenal, to bring you down to size whenever you are attempting to stand up and be something in this world. It’s like this absolute sibling rivalry…. They feel so inadequate themselves that they cannot dare actually to let them become a better person, they want them actually to remain in a position where they can manipulate them no matter what, so that they cannot get out, they are there as a slave to their sins… Talking shit behind your back with their friends… a family religion play-out… the family construct of sibling rivalry… “

Memory-Manipulation Entity-Possession
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzzgZuI3Th4

“How family members or friends accumulate memories of and as past mistakes as an arsenal to use against you within and as manipulation attacks and tend to keep you within the limited self definition they experience you to be, to so keep personalities alive… when you are no longer… fitting in that memory they’ve defined you as – you are no longer acting or living in thought word and deed – because you’ve changed – and thus - Instead of them supporting you as who you really are – which if the relationship was actually real then would have been a point of support – now it’s transformed into a point of attack – because they want you to be the same as they want you to be as the sameness they believe you to be in their memories. So basically they are attempting or trying to redefine you back into the memories they have of you, attempting to break down the change you have become through holding the past memories they have of you within themselves, and then bringing up all the mistakes you have made - against them - using memories and past mistakes as things – apparently - done unto them… “

In an actual nightmare that would recur from time to time the recurring theme was that someone would remind me of something I’d forgotten, which was that there was a body in a cupboard, that I had murdered someone, hidden them away and then forgotten. And I would wake up in a sweat and it would take some moments to realise that this did not happen, and then the guilt and panic would gradually subside. And yet though I woke up in a bed, with sheets, in a physical room in a house, in the stability and anchorage of the physical, something that I did not wake to was what it was that I was trying repeatedly to show myself, this self expression of me as willingness to abandon me for the sake of an experience of acceptance, of connection, empathy, inclusion. That standing up for me from within myself was something that I had quietly dispensed with. Though with my mother eventually I gave up on playing this game, internally I did not change the construct, so that just like in my childhood when I would return to home, in my mind I would refer to it, that consciousness of how to be.

Here is where I have accepted and allowed that part of me as the mind that suddenly in a moment let’s say inserts a drop of a distillation of that Living Nightmare from the past like an invasion of a thought into moment in something that I’m doing in support of me, where suddenly I shift into acceptance of a judgement, of a dour reminder of who I really am as worthless anyway, of how all I’m doing can be picked apart and undermined and ripped to shreds, where in a single moment I can turn on me, stab me in the back, or else go into fear of that and go into a belief that this is actually me doing this to me, not seeing how I have programmed all of this as systems in my mind, and along with the guilt, that sense of doom and stuckness, burden, that never will my work on changing me come to anything at all.




... continuing next post



Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 08 Nov 2017, 03:43

Day 412: Strength

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From Waking Up from a Living Nightmare and previous post, to looking at that moment of giving up, this post starts some sharing of the process of walking me through the programming of Abandoned. See Atlanteans Series on Abandoned.

Self Forgiveness on a moment of entering a pattern: Backchat “…and By the Way, Let me just Remind you: about that Thing, you know, about that thing that makes you feel Bad…”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed implicit in this backchat that being reminded of a thing that then I do accept and do allow that I can be made to feel things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this manipulation strategy and then think in my mind: If I do this - and go along with this, into this pattern - that I will destroy my ‘life’ - if I will continue to do these things – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Life to be as a picture in my mind, as without substance, and am not speaking as it through me as it, and so it is not real, there is no life as me within it, what is missing is my stand of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can make a stand by using this word Life as a formula of letters in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to a Future personality that has no inkling of reality, which exists within a hope of a bright new start –tomorrow - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in this reaction to not see that I am in reaction, but instead believe that this is who I am as the voice of my fear and best intentions. Therefore in this moment is to see realise and understand that there is one thing only I can trust, which is simply only me, and nothing else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in a moment’s hesitation to be drawn into reasoning in my mind about standing up in Life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in personalities of the mind.


Strength: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will fail in redefining Strength for me, believing Strength to be no more than how I think it is within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can’t imagine in my mind what Strength might be beyond the way it is defined in me and lived by me, then I should listen to the trust I’ve placed into my mind, and avoid the redefining process, and effectively hide myself away from living Strength. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my interpretation of myself through the definitions of myself that I have accepted and allowed within my mind – as in – Not having Strength – but instead Have Weakness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a judgement of my accepted weakness – as being a fault in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in relation to Strength as being a loser. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I am in my experience of myself that comes from how I have defined myself through my acceptance of such judgements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the weakness I have perceived myself to be is but the presence of a strength that can be strengthened.

So in Strength, what’s new that I bring to Strength in support of me is an awareness that who I am in Strength is my ability to Strengthen me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed who I am as Strength to be defined and fixed by judgements in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through comparison to others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in competition with others, through which I have lost touch with me in me, and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my ability to strengthen me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in using my relationship to strength as less-than strength, by using it as an excuse for giving up on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of seeing my own responsibility in having the ability to strengthen me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a comfort zone within this relationship of giving up on me.



Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 10 Nov 2017, 00:31

Day 413: Abandoned, Definitions


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Reference: The Atlanteans: Walking through the word Abandon.

Since last post, sounding the word Strength: what I found within the word – so far - has been like my body coming up to meet me in the sound, completing it, completing me in it. So as I practice sounding it, and I practice feeling it within me, and at the same time I am utilizing it as support for me in my process of walking this word Abandon, and walking through it. In which seeing how I became possessed by this word, I see now how I lost my wholeness and how I sabotaged my stand.

Seeing how a particular word has been written throughout your life can expose an entirely different perspective and understanding of your own reality. This is quite a humbling experience because it shows how pervasive is the consciousness projection, and the extent of the problem, while at the same time this understanding provides the means of change.

What sort of things happen when a word directs your life, what sort of life would be the outplay consequence of that? It is quite a shock to see that rather than ‘free choice’, the moments of decision that shaped my life were more like me drawing comfort from feeding who I am defined within and as this word Abandoned, personifying in a way the preferences of Abandoned, for example, exploring Lost, exploring Wreckage, getting ‘Wrecked’, enjoying Solitude, getting Smashed, and getting Stoned, getting experiences suitable to feed Abandoned with, scavenging the shore line, liking crows, having an affinity with rats, or else in the music of the time, experiencing certain lyrics as being resonant, as ‘near to my heart’, such as, Hello Darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again, or, I am a Rock, I am an Island, like self pity feeds. And from Abandoned in music, to Abandoned on acid: Ground control to Major Tom, or, Abandoned in film, such as 2001, or Abandoned in literature: the Lost World, the foods with which to supply Abandoned from the cultures of my world were plentiful.

Looking at the word Abandoned, its immediate conscious connotations: a Desert island, where being abandoned meant to me being ‘left behind’ on an island: Deserted. I stood on the beach and saw the boat was gone, and realized “I Have/Am been/being Abandoned”.

The word Abandon, in connection to projects and plans: When difficulties mounted up I would abandon the project, abandon the relationship, friends, jobs, sometimes cities, sometimes countries. This dashing of respect for my own endeavors became also like an expression of my power to abandon, and in relationships an expression of doing unto others what had been done to me.

The word Abandonment, immediate connotations: a deserted village, an empty factory, wrecked buildings, trash, getting trashed, wasteland, getting wasted.

Though this by no means was the beginning of my living out the word Abandon – so many instances of this were present in my early life - but there was a definite point in my teens in which it’s programming reached completion: It was when I realized that my mother wasn’t coming back, I felt abandoned, my knees buckled and I fell down, I felt self pity, I felt gutted, as if my life force had gone, that it was the end of everything for me, that all was lost.

Opening up the word Abandon, I opened up a grief, a grief I had not been aware of, that was part of me, that was always in the fabric of my life: in the details of my history, within my preferences, my decisions, where I chose to live, what I chose to do with me, how I did the things I chose to do, in my relationships with people, in my clothing, in my shoes, in my socks, in every place, perspective, interest, project, view: ubiquitous, and yet invisible. In relation to myself, grasping a specific thread that weaves throughout my history of my bemusement/puzzlement - within that searching everywhere, but not seeing the wood for trees - the outline of the word Abandon emerges now.

And yes there is this everywhere and everything effect of light-bulb moments – as if there were nothing else but this one single point, at the centre of a spider-graph of related words – and the related words such as for example ‘Lost’, ‘Wrecked’, ‘Alone’, ‘The Wasteland’, became like experiential feeding tubes stuck into this possession – all of which I explained away to me as peculiarities of being me.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience abandoned as something done unto me, an action done to me that I could do nothing about. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within becoming the experience of abandoned to define myself as being the victim. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect into the word abandon, victimhood. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see that even though I had used a fantasy of my mother’s support for me to stand, and then realizing that this was fantasy, that this did not mean that I could not learn to support myself in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not support myself without the fantasy of my mother’s secret support/ good intentions of me, and care for me. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the experience of abandon and that within that experience I defined myself in my mother’s eyes as being a bad son, as being a failure, as being an object of shame. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then experience these definitions of myself as feeling bad and feeling worthless and feeling shame, within the definition of myself as Abandoned.






continuing next post...



Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 11 Nov 2017, 11:54

Day 414: Abandon Definitions 2


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Reference: The Atlanteans series on Eqafe: Abandon

Self Forgiveness on definitions of me within and as my personalization of the word Abandon

In forgiveness of my mother, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blacked out her reality from me with layers of incrimination and insinuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an image of my mother in my mind from a starting point of judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present an image of my mother to the world in the context of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this image of my mother in my mind as a way to not see my responsibility for me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish guilt onto her, that she may carry the burden of her abandonment of me.

I forgive myself that through this means that I manifested a reality in which I was unable to see her any more. Therefore in consideration of my mother as a human being I support myself in releasing me from this Abandoned construct, through giving back to me gratitude and appreciation of her, and perspective of her strength in her commitment.

I forgive myself that I justified a life as a lie for me in my own interest, by casting her in the part of the one who did bad to me, by making up a narrative of myself within and as this definition of myself in which I lived my part in service of the word Abandon.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how my forgiveness of myself within the point of who I saw her as within my mind would then enable me to through that forgiveness, release myself by then releasing her in my forgiveness, and so release the memories that I had not accepted or allowed myself to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the word Abandon, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the reality that those memories might expose, memories that would attest to her commitment, to her strengths, to her many qualities, as evidence that would undermine my position as Abandoned, my rightness in my judgement starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thus locked me up into my narrative of who I am within the word Abandon.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the abandoning one, living out abandonment as a relationship with myself.



Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 13 Nov 2017, 23:06

Day 415: Abandon Definitions 3


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Self Forgiveness on definitions I have existed as and lived within the word Abandon.

AbandonShip: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and lived a narrative in my mind that was never real, a story to myself in a way to create an experience of dignity in victimhood. I remember at a time a righteous statement coming out , ‘Who me? I would never live a sob story…’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play this part unconsciously, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to look at this.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing my mind to be chastising me with accusatory backchat of shadow personalities of family programming, suggesting all the bad I’m doing by ‘leaving’ family, as I prepare to spend some time ‘away’, and though I’ve checked it out, with real people, and know it is not real, still these backchats capture my attention: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being the abandoning one, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this through the eyes of Abandon in which I am reminded of a pain, that I then project it onto others as something that I might be causing them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reacting to these backchats in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give them substance: I see now how I am showing me that in these moments of reaction, that I am still reverting to this starting point of a moment of pain with being within and as Abandon, and being in judgement of ‘abandoners’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this story at the core of all these backchats, this story of hurt: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of shock in putting my feet down on the ground to be interpreted as and then remembered as a pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed with this programming, that others make me feel the way I do, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed from this basis, for blaming to be valid. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the word Abandon along with these components. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that fear to be affecting and interfering with my decisions and behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within Abandon Ship to have accepted and allowed that the ship is about to meet disaster, and that therefore everyone must go overboard. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that picture to have deserted my connection with the ship of me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in that for me to have abandoned me, to have abandoned structure and purpose, to have accepted and allowed myself to be adrift upon an emotional sea.



continuing next post...



Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 16 Nov 2017, 01:02

Day 416: Solutions of Abandon

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Redefining Process beginnings:
towards solutions of Abandon

Walking a process through Self Forgiveness of what I have accepted and allowed of who I am within this word Abandon, I have thus enabled me to see how in my life I have accepted and allowed – with this word directing me – for it to be causing chaos. Not just where I went ‘overboard’ with an obsession, but also for example in my present world where gradually all the moments in which I put something down, in a hurry, accumulates into many moments, and so a chaos, a chaos in which things get ‘lost’, and when I look into this world around me - I mean extending out across this table and this immediate room in which I write this, I see also how I am expressed in it – in the placements of the objects - through the actions taken in moments of abandon, moments abandoned – in some kind of a rush – in which I have become very mean with giving me the Time, giving me the time for the purpose of organising things around me. And so I see now how in accepting and allowing Abandoned as a comfort zone, that ‘rush’ was more an expression of my position of superiority to Organisation; and that casting of little things aside – was like a consequence of this.

Something else that I realised was how for me, even though I had defined it in a negative way, the ‘putting of the feet down on the ground’ – I saw that this was already present - in my definition of the word Abandon, that the word Abandon had always held the opportunity for that; emerging from the process of the release of hurt and blame, I realized that it could become instead a point of deliberate action, coming from > I am Here: I put my feet onto the ground, this is what I’m going to do.

In a state of chaos, and going ‘overboard’ , then an Action Plan is not just a ‘good idea’, but sometimes it is the one and only thing that can be relied on, like – realizing that the consciousness in it’s present state of turmoil - is practically useless – then an Action Plan can be like a life-line – just as with the process of writing-out - whereas, in the Action Plan, the words relate to listing of specific tasks and things that need to get done.

The making of an action plan as the beginning of a physical process: To support myself in looking into this I made a ‘Form’, an ‘Action Plan’, designed for Organizing What to Do, I printed it out, I looked at it from different angles, I handled it, I made it tangible, I made photographs of it, I brought theatrical dimensions into it, I brought myself to a place in which I could simply look at Action Plan as something in itself.

Exploring this, the words that have come up for me are: Action-plan, Action, Plan, Organization, Steps, List – structural words that flow from out of > This is what I’m going to do. Of course, having in my mind ‘what to do’, and hearing the advice of others, ‘what to do’, and even having an action-plan of ‘what to do’, and even writing it, all of that is far away from actually doing it, doing those actions.




More on this next time…



Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 17 Nov 2017, 15:01

Day 417: The word Abandoned as Reality Check


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Continuing from the previous post: And here, reactions to my perceptions of a ‘Starkness’ of reality in reacting to my Form, the Structure, the Action Plan, the Entrance into physical reality, in which I have accepted and allowed myself as less than and superior to my own Action Plan, both less than and superior to Organisation, and less than my own retaliation to a Structure that I know is best for me.

It’s not that simply this approach to me in redefining who I am - is wrong – seeing that it did not work immediately – and so – therefore - Abandon that, and go find something else. It’s not like I can just slip a line of code into my mind that instantly changes everything: there is that – ‘bring a horse to water’ point – where through this process I have brought myself to the water - and yet these words with which I have defined the water: Organisation, and Action Plan, and all the words I’ve printed out for me, are all as processes of redefinition in themselves, where in each of them I have not as yet connected me to Earth. That’s what would make this Form a collection of words that are as yet inapplicable, and seem so stark and lifeless.

The word Abandoned as – Reality Check – Listening to Phillip K. Dick – in The Future of Awareness series: Where do I Start? - Listening to an individual being yes but focused through his words the combined expression of …the Collective of Dimensional Being… I imagined in my mind standing before all the beings in the universe, and all the awarenesses of everything and everywhere; and I imagined them to be as one totally pissed off with this positioning of ‘me’, that I am clinging to; angry to that point of > Enough, we cannot carry you any more, like this, it is not best for you. Not seeing immediately that the substance of that anger was actually my own, I experienced it instead as if it were projected at me, and within that I was being shown > Look to yourself. A deeper shame within me, a shame that always I would avoid, at any cost, or else defend myself against by lashing out, and be distracted in my show of righteous anger, and the shame was in me acknowledging in myself that: deep within me I do know, I am in fact aware of it, that all my protests are as nothing, a grandiose deception, and yet I am continuing to allow it so; and in allowing it, the shame remains. If there were an existential conscience then that Shame would be like a reflection of it. As a statue of myself I am for a moment looking down and seeing the nature of the plinth on which I stand, and extending from that plinth, the wasteland that I’m protecting and defending.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to retaliate towards the word Organisation, and within that to retaliate to common sense, to stand as a point of arrogance, as if superior and inferior to this word in which I am in denial of the organism and physical organization that I depend upon in the organism and physical organization of this physical body, of this Earth, of Nature, of the physical organisation and organism of Life.

I commit myself to slow myself down and learn to listen to and to hear and to and respond to what I know within me is my own voice within me that is showing me what is best for me, to organize myself in alignment with the organization that I utterly depend upon that gifts me with this breath of life.
I commit myself to bring self to organisation, to learn to respect myself within and as Self Organisation, and to let go of my retaliation towards myself through which I see and realise and understand this point of sabotage in my journey into Life.



Adam Closs
Posts: 453
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 22 Nov 2017, 01:09

Day 418: Abandoned: Physical Deconstruction and Dismantling


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Sharing a walk and journey through the matrix of this consciousness, and into physical awareness: continuing here with a process of Redefining the word Abandoned as opened up by the Atlanteans.

Walking through this Redefinition process, a story unfolds: showing me how it is impossible to move on from living as an emotional design until it has been at least partially seen and understood and deconstructed: I could not have done this on my own – and I will always be grateful for the support of Desteni in doing this.

It’s very funny, and sometimes it makes me laugh how ridiculous I am being when I see how I am referring to this ‘I’ through a frame of consciousness, making strings of words – not redefined – but speaking of relationship to things such as the reality of Life Awareness Beingness Everywhere – as if that I was separate to that – in a mind-set of words that could only really dispose me into that separate perspective; so then it’s like in this redefining process the word Abandon, I’m sometimes kind of turning round inside myself and remembering of course - that being - that is me – is part of me, is part also of all these subtle levels of physical reality of which I talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon my world and not see it, but instead to find comfort in personal and intimate visions validating who I am within and as Abandon.

Suspicions as to the true nature of my unconscious - come manifest - around me in my physical room – seeing it sort of lodged into the folds of a physical terrace of a physical city, kind of at a tangent. This I see now has given rise to a feeling of impossibility in relation to physical plans: looking through the window ‘out there’ through my mind, looking at the physical world of traffic, of busyness, and seasons ‘going by’, and this impossibility was something that I could not let myself precisely see, it was like an underlying fact, embedded in the very sound of engines coming by and going by, a lullaby of longing and resignation in the very fabric of my world. The very going past and into past of things were like fuel to feed and validate my construct of Abandon; and Time Lost, everywhere I looked there would be like comfort zone reminders of the chaos of Abandon, evidence of wreckage, dissolution, corrosion, breakdown, happenstance, and desolation, seeing those details like reminders of some intimate truth of me reflected back at me. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold this truth of me as a belief within my mind, not seeing how this was the truth of my expression through and as the word Abandon that I had become possessed by.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my respect for me to be conditional on my being Adamant to cling to this possession, no matter what. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being Adamant was a noble quality without regard or consideration of what that may be actually attached to, I forgive myself that I derived a positive experience in myself in my acceptance and allowance of this judgement. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in Intuition, rather than seeing for real the programming within me that I accepted and allowed to make me feel that what I was doing was so right. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of letting go of this image in my mind of Adamant, fearing that in letting go I might then be swept into that experience of loss, of being lost, of being lost at sea without a definition of myself. I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to see and realise that anyway I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and to live out my perceptions and interpretations of the world through the filters that I have accepted and allowed myself to have installed into the word Abandon.
I commit myself to let go of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in fear in an image in my mind of the fall of splendor, onto the knees, fallen ego having doubled down and doubled down and doubled down, investing and investing into an emotional design, abd finally looked into the impossibility that I had defined into who I am within and as Abandon, having seen the opportunity of simply standing up and walking in reality, half a life ago, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choose and live instead an emotional reality within and as Abandon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed great anger at myself that I could have made such a primary mistake that has consequently shaped my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in making this mistake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling Desolate within myself in facing these realities of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchat invitations, talking of a Wasted Life.

With the paintings themselves as emotional designs: seeing and understanding the outplay of a possession with Abandon, I see also how I have surrounded myself with projected forms of this emotional design, and how I have been attempting to manifest this design into physical reality, how I have been attempting to assert my emotional reality onto the world, and how I have ended up stuck and unable to physically move – with a sense of impossibility - in a room that is literally wall-to-wall with reflections of this emotional design, not finding a solution as to how to move myself.

Carrying forward my processing and deconstruction of the word Abandon into physical action, involves the letting-go also of my bonds with and constriction with the physical creations that were the play-out of that possession, namely, a mass of paintings.

Decision: Ok it’s time to deconstruct this theatre that surrounds me. Action: Take canvas, turn it down to face the ground, then one by one remove the staples… This took quite a while, but being aware of what it was behind this thing that I was dismantling now with knife and pliers, I took it slowly and carefully. Within this I was experiencing for myself this for real, actually being physically on my knees, kind of yes, I’m on my knees in fact doing this, I breathe, there is another way. This time I will not allow myself to go into destruction mode because I realise that this would be a backdoor for the Abandon programming to – reintegrate - and I’ve been there before - that smash everything reaction, that reasserts a smashed up world. So I go carefully and with patience, removing each and every staple. Then: remove the wooden stretcher, dismantle, bundle, zip-tie, label. Then repeat the process with each one until all canvas is face down. Then roll all canvasses as one and wrap it up in duct tape. And then, phew, big outbreath. Now I am in a different place with this, I have moved myself.





Continuing next post…




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