Adam’s Journey into Life

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Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 28 Nov 2016, 01:46

Day 351: A moment during Washing Up


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Though my mind tells me there’s nothing to write about today, yet I am anyway kind of writing my way in here, while at the same time writing me out, yes, and out also of this blank layer: there was something that I realized while doing the washing up, which I usually enjoy, having got my hands into hot water, and what I realized was to do with an energy that came up in me while I was handling a soapy plate, and the energy that had come up in me was clearly an impatience.

And I stood back for a second to have a look at this energy that was kind of busy rattling about inside me, and I noticed that there was a thought in my head saying, Yes, but what else, what else is there, what else can I have, as if some kind of energy reward or comfort of some kind was required. It was as if a vacancy or a lackingness had suddenly opened up that needed to be filled, as if maybe there was some urgent mission that I had forgotten about, and needed to be reminded of, that I was maybe missing something, or at least these were the sort of thoughts that were kind of reaching for attention.

And yet as I stood there, standing back for this moment, I noticed something really interesting as well; that this energy of impatience rattling around did not in fact have any direct connection to the actual washing up, and that that was a connection that I would usually supply, getting swept up in all of this, where what I saw was that in a moment like this I would habitually feel the impatience, the frustration also maybe, and then immediately blame the presence of this energy inside me on to the physical event of washing up. But it was that the washing up itself had really nothing to do with it. Seeing that, it was very easy to release this impatience, and in a way, seeing how it was in fact redundant, not having been connected up with blame, it was already released; it needed to be validated.

As well as this, with the thoughts that came up in me I had already turned my head, looking toward a radio set, a possible distraction entertainment option. So it was kindly no thanks to that as well, and so I released my neck muscles that had already turned my head. And I then allowed myself to continue with this physical process of the washing up, and enjoy myself within it.

It was like I suppose in a way that my mind wanted to be part of it, to be involved, to have a say, through me within a habitual framing process of what is going on: like with words: such as for example defining what is going on as a ‘chore’, and with such framing, then my mind could easily supply a range of thoughts and energies with which to trigger further reactions and conflict games, and means of involvement.


So here in the context of living diligence, in which I am simply physically keeping abreast of time, with attending to the tasks and details that crop up as part of a physical day: the element of Impatience arises as an undermining factor to that diligence, along with a corrupted definition of work. Seeing these things, I see how also how inadvertently I’m testing out this new diligence in my practical life.

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 28 Nov 2016, 16:36

Day 352: How I’m Walking Me in This



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On being asked a Question: a Request to share HOW I am walking me in this, my process, now. My immediate response was this: That it’s like on some level I am walking my process ‘any way I possibly can’ and kind of making it up as I go along, experiencing support from everywhere, and within that feeling strengthened.

So, here, looking at who I am within my immediate response, and so first of all, acknowledging that these reflections are coming from a Question that I may not have asked myself, and so, acknowledging that the Question itself is offering a different angle onto things. And in myself I am grateful for a different angle, because I realise that there are so many questions that I do not ask myself, questions that may throw a new light onto things, especially where I’m liable to get some perspective stuck and so be unaware of a tunnel vision that I may be in, and as.

This morning as I awoke, this phrase, ‘Any way I can’ was somehow lingering there, as if washed up on the shore (uh oh, another note for me: ‘washing up’ in a different dimension) of a night of processing in dreams. And in ‘Any way I can’, I noticed that there was a tone of urgency, where it’s like: Ready or not, here I come. As if in playing games of Hide and Seek there has come this point of Enough.

I mean, just in writing out these words, I am in a way splashing out references to whole as yet unwalked processes, left and right, (there I go again lol) and yet aware that also I am writing this point here in focusing on ‘Any way I can’ with reference to How within the how of me in walking process now. And so there is this element of urgency; that there is not endless time in this physical life, and so I must take the understandings that I can work with here, and practically apply them, not in the perspective of years and months, but in the access to reality of me that is in moments.

Such as in the process of redefining and living words: where in deciding in me, in support of me I realized how Diligence would be required by me to facilitate a physical learning, expansion, growth, process: that I must therefore redefine this word and who I am within it to actually live it, and make friends with it in a way, to bring it intimately into me, to understand and realign the contents of it, so that for example I can make a tool box for myself with which as me to efficiently apply a focus on these moments.

And something that I’m finding in this redefinition process that I am beginning to realise, though not yet fully understand, is how in making Diligence my own, I have through ‘any way I can’ applying what I have been shown created for myself an access to self honesty. Where in accessing this new part of me, as diligence, there are not any longer lingering objections and complaints, resistances, and within those, fears or emotional constructions; because I have through any way I can made clear these things and set the tools to suit me personally, and where I find as I go along that there still remains some difficulty, that I am stable enough now to make further adjustments, and so refine my own stability.

So, what within ‘making it up as I go along’ in How I am walking process now? There is a reference here to how I have removed many limitations that I have through life imposed on me, such as within this very point of my relationship to words, and who I am within and as them, and then how I chose to be within the very substance of them, where ‘making it up as I go along’ is how I have chosen in a way to redesign my own resources for me and in support of me.

So in this ‘making it up as I go along’ is not a point of ignoring or disregarding guide-lines, or walking separately to others, but partaking of the exact same principles and applying them for me, through me, where in listening to and hearing new information and perspectives onto things, that ‘take-away’ for me is that part that I can work with and apply for me, that I can build on, use, and walk in my everyday life.

That ‘experience of support from everywhere’ I cannot as yet go into very much – but it is an experience of synchronicity with the many beings who are walking in their own individual lives and ways and paths, the same principles of Life – and are sharing their perspectives – where in this experience of support – it is as if we all are looking from the same location somehow – and indications of this kind of show up all the time for me in the Eqafe interviews and Journey to Life blogs and vlogs, in everyday life, in diverse ways. And simply that this synchronicity exists, is for me a constant point of support.

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 30 Nov 2016, 12:27

Day 353: Challenge and Releasing Failure


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Daring to actually take a look into who I am within and in relationship to the word Challenge, and how I might embrace this word and live it.

And so first of all, opening with the word Daring, I am acknowledging the fear that I have attached to living the word Challenge, and how I have defined myself in Challenge as having fear of embracing Challenge, and seeing that I have responded to the word Challenge, not by embracing but rather instead avoiding it, and up till now, avoided looking into these moments where I have accepted and allowed myself to be avoiding it.

So yes, daring to venture into challenge in the realization of the existence of fear around it and in it. What fear? I mean: Fear attached to what? What I see here is a point in which in avoiding seriously taking up a challenge, that I am making sure that I do not open up even the slightest possibility of experiencing myself in Failure. So for me it looks like avoiding challenge is like a strategy to make sure that I do not enter into the experience of failure, and that how I have defined myself in Failure has played a big part in my relationship to Challenge.

And also seeing already that I have as yet very little intimate relationship to Challenge itself, because of the connection that I have made to Failure, where Challenge in a way has acted like only the lid to the Pandora’s Box of experience of Failure. This is not how I would want it to continue to be, and even in these moments of actually approaching these points I see already how Challenge might become so much more than this for me, where already it is opening in a way, as I begin to see how it is that I have accepted me as being defined within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Challenge to the word Failure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist inside the word Challenge the word Failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Failure to an emotional experience, to a negative energy experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Failure to an experience of myself in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined as Failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how it is that I have stored inside me memories of me as failure and connected all of them into an experience of myself that I have suppressed within me, of me as failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less-than, as inferior, as worthless through this definition of myself that I have accepted and allowed of me as being failure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being-failure exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of failure, together with the memories of failure to come up within me when and as I see a challenge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let these thoughts and memories and fears to become a controlling influence in my decisions and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Failure to exist within me as a judgement and a definition of who I am as being inferior, less-than, and worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Challenge to refer to Failure, and Failure to exist as a reference to a hidden reality within myself of and as a Failure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this belief away inside me, and so this part of me that I have judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this definition of myself away from me, so as not to experience this part of me, by making sure that I do not respond to Challenge by embracing it, where in embracing Challenge I would imagine in my mind that I am opening a trap in which I would inevitably experience myself as Failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I have connected to the word Failure to be affecting me whenever I push myself to do something new, and that even though I might push myself to do it, that still I am accepting and allowing the fear to be there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody a personality design to ease me through a moment in which I am avoiding Challenge, and continuing to suppress the fear of failure, by rising above such things; seeing it through a frame of being superior to competition and it’s elements of winning and losing.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in justifying my reaction to Challenge by defining Challenge into Competition only, and so not seeing how really that my main concern within this is to avoid the emotional experience of Failure. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in competition only in a cursory way.



As I look into this point of Failure and question how it is that Failure came to have for me such intense emotional roots, what I see is memories of Failure in personal relationships where I experience myself as having Failed to live up to another person’s expectations, such as examples of someone that I am depending on in some way to be approving of me, and that in having done something or said something, I am seeing myself as having failed to meet their expectations, and then them within reacting, seeing themselves as having been wrong about me, or disappointed in me, and then suddenly being changed and being dismissive of me, that point right there I have accepted and allowed as being a devastating and shameful realization experience, where I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Failure into having failed to live up to another person’s expectations of me; seeing that I have in fact completely blown it, by being for a moment who I am as some personality or other that is not truly me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the experience of Failure to live up to an other beings’ expectations of me, for me then to become trapped in this experience, in which it is as if I am imprisoned in it: in which I am only released from this when the whole experience gradually eases off. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be waiting in this imprisonment experience of my own worthlessness for this experience to be lifted from me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear within the experience of Failure, in which I am existing as a worthlessness, to be fearing also the experience of being trapped within the systems of the mind, and to be waiting till the systems of the mind release me, because I have so completely given up my power of self direction.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that in Failure within failing to live up to another being’s expectations of me that I am accepting and allowing myself to be defined according to the approval of others, and that in this experience of Failure what I am seeing is my own Failure to be standing with and for me in who I am with reference to myself, and that in this Failure that I am apparently seeing a hole in which I do not exist because I have never actually given to me the time and the attention that I have instead sought for in the approval of others, within which I have become dependent on a positive experience of myself as who I am, rather than a real genuine experience of myself within me, that I can in fact nurture for myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as nothing in a negative sense, when I have lost the approval of others, having Failed to live up to expectations, and within this seeing realizing and understanding that I am experiencing the consequential reality of having Failed to stand for me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid to see that I have failed to stand, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that in failing to stand that I therefore have no standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of taking responsibility for myself in not standing, that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in being as something that has no standing and that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as being a failure. I forgive myself therefore that I have accepted and allowed myself to define failure in myself as a reason for, as a form of blame for why it is that I do not stand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide within myself to not simply see me not standing, but rather instead to see me within the consequence of this as ‘having no standing’ that I have then accepted and allowed myself to define as being Failure, as ‘something’ that I do not have. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as real my judgements of me in not standing, and that through accepting and allowing judgements of me that I have accepted and allowed a guilt experience connected to me not standing, and within this guilt then accepted and allowed myself to fear responsibility.




…Ok I’ll continue with this next post.

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 02 Dec 2016, 14:50

Day 354: Dis-coveries in Challenge


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From the almost programmed saying: ‘Who I am in Word and Deed’ if slowed down, comes an extraordinary Question: Who Am I in fact in Word: what have I in fact been living as myself within this Word that plays out into Deed? Supporting us to investigate such a question for ourselves: comes the School of Ultimate Living.

… so continuing here in a process of redefining who I am in this word Challenge …

In releasing Failure, previous post, so also releasing me to enter into, occupy, and look at how I’ve lived myself in Challenge – as in having cleared the slate – to an extent – with using Self Forgiveness as a tool of both release and of self support, and of opening, and exploration, and dis-covery, that now I can begin to see both how it is that I have made a mountain out of Challenge, and at the same time how it need no longer be this way.

But: yes, to an extent: How much have I really in fact cleared the slate? Because I know how easily I leap ahead into a place that is not real, suddenly seeing the expanse of Challenge as a pristine land in a way, as a vision of how I might experience myself without the impediments that I have for so long accepted and allowed. In seeing this, there is a practical caution in reminding me how it is that I can so easily make of something into a positive energy experience, where in partially releasing me from all the negatives, I have opened up a gift that is a glimpse of future self, that is pristine yes, because it is as yet unwalked, and I have then polarized the whole experience, and then confused that new experience with actual change.

Looking into the etymological history of the word Challenge, I find it interesting to learn how Challenge gradually evolved from out of what is now Calumny: false or slanderous accusations, and to see an evolution of the meanings of the word into modern usage, defined as a ‘difficult task’. Reading about this, what came to mind was the challenge of a sentry to a traveller arriving at the city gate, or in a debate, the challenge of false statements, and appeal to facts. There is a practical doubt being cast, and a demand to prove the veracity of a thing, or to demonstrate the reality of it. It is like the signal for a testing process.

As a prototype for a working definition of Challenge, being as a signal for a testing process, this seems quite cool to me, meaning: quite neutral. It is not necessary for a doubt to be reacted to on an emotional level, whether internally or in everyday reality. When looking into me there is a level of trust that I have established where I can doubt myself within awareness of the patterns that I’ve lived, and my awareness of my tendency to slip back into them, and so be cautious in a practical way. Such as here in this example where having released to some extent the Failure content that I had defined as who I am within the word Challenge, I see how I am then seeing Challenge in a new light, as this boundless pristine space in which I can apparently simply now write out a new experience for myself.

So now, looking into this: What had been the nature of the positive experience that I had at first accepted and allowed to exist in Challenge? That is before I had become involved in and emotionally stressed out in the systematic testing processes of school, and education? When I look at this I see how much I had absorbed when I was young: Adventure stories, comics, TV series, where Exploration of new lands, new planets, new technologies, new dimensions, new forms of travel, these were things that thrilled me. Though curled up in an armchair, or lying on my bed, reading books and comics, the word Challenge was this positive experience in my mind, while at play, Challenge figured very much: climbing higher up the trees, jumping off the shed, digging deeper holes towards the centre of the Earth, and things like that.

Challenge was like the driving force in an adventure game, it became the narrative of adventure, where obstacles came up and would be overcome, and they were all a part of it, and within the breadth of the adventure as a whole, there were practical moments, such as in making a plank bridge to cross a stream, the plank would need to first be tested out, well naturally, the plank would be challenged, to see if it would work. The raft would need to be challenged to see if it would sink or not.

So here, as a method of self support in finding out for me what Challenge was for me, how I first defined it, and how I lived it, I am literally de-scribing it: pulling out the words that went together into it and as a part of it. And so here now come words that I had not been aware of in this definition, as within an exploded diagram: Drive, Adventure, Exploration.




Continuing next post… and as I continue I may well loop back into closer focus onto the points and information that I’m raising here and gathering, within this post and in the previous one.

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 04 Dec 2016, 14:56

Day 355: Standing and Reunion


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Those Failure programmings: that in letting go of constructs that I had consented to and hence walked a toleration of who I was within them, as contained within the experience of Failure, the Word, what I found surfacing within me was a series of dreams that were like in summary me expanding into different experiences of Reunion. Here were further confirmations coming up of how I had gone into separation from people that were here in my life and how I had walked paths away from these relationships and into rejection of myself within them and from them, and so on an essential level what I realized was how I had begun on walking a path of Reunion with myself. Or showing myself rather, that now I have given myself the opportunity of doing so. And I do so choose this.

Fascinating how the strike of lightning bolts of self judgement and self definitions made in judgement and shame can mutate the branching or the splitting of the tree as it were of a life. With the possibility of access of Self Reunion there follows out of this: Ok I can now step out of this my old relationship with this my physical body, and so begin to make a new relationship that stands within forgiveness and equality. That realization was also the glimpse of tangibility in Honour, like in opening the door to a possibility of a unity of self expressed within and as a different language.

I am aware of here that what I am writing out are simply reflections of potential, but what is real is that in redefining me in Diligence, in support of me, and continuing to do so, that through redefining for me a path to walk myself is in a way a How-To for me to support my own expansion, and what comes up next is more a What-to word that is in Challenge. In continuing to walk Diligence, it becomes more ingrained as a blueprint for me as I start walking other words that have been existing in me, buried in some way, within for example this word Challenge, and within that, what I have extracted so far, is the word Drive.

Where what discovery of self that I made in opening up the word Failure, the most essential in this was my refusal to accept myself in seeing me for real in not standing for me in personal relationships where obviously I had chosen to go for expressions of self dishonesty as a personality, but rather than supporting me in asking for forgiveness or giving to me forgiveness of myself, and so stood with me in seeing this mistake, I had chosen instead to walk a path of separation and walking-out-on self and others, where the entirety of my mistake in choosing to embody this personality had then remained as protected and justified and where possible directed into blame of the other person. So it is that through the self forgiveness of these layers of Failure that these points both of Standing and Reunion kind of re-emerge within me.



… Continuing the process of walking Challenge, next post …

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 06 Dec 2016, 21:28

Day 356: Drive and Driven


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… continuing: since Day 353, a process of redefining who I am in Challenge, and here, giving myself the time in diligence within this of walking a subsidiary word that I have found come up in exploration of my experience of the word Challenge, the word Drive.

It’s taken quite a lot of mulling in my mind of how I can possibly relate to this, like turning over the question of: Where to start? It’s interesting how in perceiving simplicity in a word or in a sentence it can somehow seem to justify a quickly-moving-on reaction, and in not noticing that, to then miss the deeper contents, where also what is missed is a reluctance to really pay this simplicity an equal respect of attention. Where seeing this simplicity, what I then resolved to do was simply testing out when and as I am going into some activity in my daily life, asking myself: Ok so who am I as Drive within this?

Here is an example: where, as in a quest, not seeing an immediate line of investigation, within the perception of simplicity, I have entered into a vaguely negative experience within myself, of: I don’t know, there’s nothing I can do with this, there’s nothing there, I am thwarted in a way, that then I enter into a moment in which I entertain an urge to watch a video, and in that moment, instead of going with that, asking me: Who am I as Drive within this?

And what I saw in looking into this is how I had actually resigned within being Driven – for the sake of some distraction, so as to switch the channel, as it were, from some bad feeling movement going on or turning over inside of me. This is a specific example but it represents also other similar points in my usual day to day experience, in which rather than recognizing my responsibility within becoming: I can’t do this, I don’t know, I am thwarted, that I am accepting and allowing a self victimization within this and a self disempowerment in which rather than seeing how within this that I am Driven by some fear or by some judgement, or some positive feeling energy reward, that I go into the self dishonesty of this is me in Drive, that who I am is justified within this Driven, that I am not Driven, this is me as Drive. It’s just that suddenly I have decided, within my rights of freedom, to not do this thing right now, but instead to do it later. Of course there is a righteousness in that, that helps me feel ok about actually switching my purpose in myself from one moment to the next. And within this process, there is awareness in myself of seeing myself giving up on me, not standing with me, but instead going with these backchats of my mind, telling me that: I don’t know, There’s nothing there, I can’t do this, I don’t know where to start. Looking at this statement then, this claim that this is me as Drive, I see how I have accumulated negative experience into Drive, that what I stand as here is a simulation of myself as Drive, within which I am in fact as Driven. So here is a practical place for me to start in the redefinition process of Drive: where seeing how I have defined myself in Drive in this way that I can begin through self forgiveness with purifying this aspect of the word as I have lived it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Simple within a backchat of: there’s nothing for me to consider within this, that reading this I already get it, that what I need to understand must be somehow hidden in some complexity that is equal somehow to my prowess as a thinking process in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind’s evaluations of prowess, in relation to the information that I see before me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know what I might find within a word, even at a glance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Drive with judgements of who I am as in denial of being driven. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include conflict with myself within this word as I have lived it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed through this to not allow myself to look at in self honesty what for me exists within this word. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that I am responsible, that this is who I am in Drive, when in the reality of myself I do not want to see how I am accepting and allowing myself to be driven.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consent to whole constructs of programming of energy within the statement: This is who I am as the Drive within me, when it is through this statement that I have stepped into and then participated in the energy as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within making this mistake, and for not yet having learned in absolute the different ways in which I am driven.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other selfs within the world, and then to judge my self as being inferior to others, because I do not have this thing called ‘Drive’, as necessary for ‘Success’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take these systematic definitions of the words Drive and of Success in a personal way, where in seeing myself as not driven by ambition, that I have accepted and allowed that in not having this specific drive, that therefore what I must become is Failure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as this dimension of Failure, to have shied away from Challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in not having this ambitious Drive. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no Drive. I forgive myself that in accepting and allowing myself to believe in this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from examining who I am in Drive.




… continuing next post …

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 07 Dec 2016, 17:33

Day 357: Drive and Driver, Further Exploration


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Living as I do at present right next to the traffic, overlooking a roundabout, I am constantly aware of people in their individual moments passing by each other, drivers with an eye on the cars around them, and an eye on their destination, passengers with an eye on something else beside, pedestrians looking over their shoulders for the bus, or looking at their phones, people waiting to cross the road, these multiplicities of individual moments passing by each other. And I have tried to capture this on camera, like for example underneath a busy bridge where trains go over and traffic hurries through and pushchairs are negotiated around the narrow corners of a pavement, good spot to somehow get an image of these moments.

And yet, the camera shows me constantly how little of my perception of these things is actually factual in a physical visual way: although I see the driver’s face behind the reflections on the windscreen, busy with the traffic lights and the turning of the wheel, and the mother’s face intent on keeping baby safe within the fragile push chair, and the baby fast asleep with mouth wide open, and the gaggle of children that are following along behind her, precariously on the granite kerb, tucking into plastic bags of sweets, and looking all around at everything, and the faces in the traffic all around, waiting, queuing up to go, or a person jay walking between the cars, while pigeons looking from their perches on the bridge at all of it with their astonished stares; all the people in their private moments, while all of it takes place within a single wider moment, seemingly suitable for the blink of a shutter. And yet the widest angle lens can’t record such things, so much of it exists within my mind as scraps of memory joined together in a montage: but even so, I still take the camera with me in case of some lucky accidental shot of traffic moments such as this that might capture it in any obvious way. What would be the value of conveying such a thing through a single image of the camera? It stands for in my mind like a documentary evidence of the irony that that is right in front of us in this everyday survival busyness that all of us together separately, is caught up in.

Who am I as being a driver within this traffic, behind the windscreen of another car? In what sense am I really in fact the driver of this car, when in fact when I look at it I see that what is driving this machine is not me at all directly but the sequences of controlled explosions of the petrol; I have accepted the extension of the word Drive and into Driver along with the rest of my culture, where being responsible for controlling this machine has become confused with what it is that actually drives it. This may seem kind of nitpicky, and inconsequential, and yet it is interesting how reflective it is of how with coping with my own vehicle, that I have seen how I have claimed to be the Driver when in fact within this I have deliberately overlooked that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by the energies that arise in me, and that within that acceptance that I have also overlooked the origins of that energy itself that is being refined from out of the very physical substance of my body, and so, of the Earth. Making such distinctions in myself and in my life is actually critical, and how the blurring of such distinctions manifests into the consequence of the tumult of the world in which we live is also critical, because I have seen for myself how in the tumult of my life I have been driven by these energies that I have accepted in an as-if way of who I am, when actually in fact the drive has been a drive of fear, and that within that I have stood by within quietly giving my permission for this drive to exist.


… continuing next post …

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 08 Dec 2016, 06:04

Day 358: Drive and a Moment of Momentum


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Reading through my previous writing, which set forth from the starting point of Drive, I noticed how I represented me as standing on a junction of the roads, surrounded yes by traffic, cars, and drivers; but also that I was surrounded by lots of moments, other people’s moments, pigeon’s moments, moments everywhere flying all around me, and past me, in the traffic.

And something that I did not see was how this word Moment was here for me, all around me, you could say in a way trying to catch my attention, but I had not stepped back from this enough to see, till later on, when in a completely different context the word came up again, within Momentum, and then I saw how for me Momentum could become for me a part of Drive.

How I came to this was looking into the word Moment, and considering that there are these things called moments in my life; not measurements of ‘time’ exactly, more like parts of life, where for me a moment of my life is kind of intimate and personal in a way, that in a world that had no clocks or hours or seconds, there would still be moments of my life, moments of awareness here.

It is like that within this there is a realization for me that I can actually live these moments of my life; that they belong to me, as part of me, that this then is actually for me real-time, in which who I am within this is what is real, and in that how I move myself within these moments, is how I can see that I could live momentum, sort of utilizing these moments of my life as me, in which I move myself within these moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how for me I could not find access for myself in real-time, and that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to suppose that I could accommodate myself to that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be not considering me as in this life as me in this relationship that I made to real-time. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be as less than real-time in this relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define real as something that is out there, as something that I must aspire to live. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can somehow live an idea of time that is in my mind.

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 09 Dec 2016, 15:11

Day 359: Housework in Moments


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Once again, there is a sense of gratitude with me in establishing more and more the word Diligence as a living part of me – that I can extend from and as this new asset of me in the way of application of New Diligence into further exploration of Drive, and now, further into this word Moment and Momentum.

There is a kind of background process of who I am in fundamental as real, going on within me, such as learning how to stay with me in kind of looking at the word Everything and realizing that I have been seeing it written upside down and backwards and inside out, a kind of experience like that, and through that realizing the unlimited extent that I have accepted and allowed this consciousness to pervade and permeate all I thought was Real, and therefore through the outplay of that belief, in my mind seeing it as being Reliable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a floaty feeling in my fingers as I write, by participating in anxiety, and insecurity, where my fingers for a moment shed the trappings of the past as following the routine practices of articulation, and I commit myself to redefine Reliability, with I in Real that is Here that does not depend upon a holographic context image of what is Everything that I have accepted and allowed as a projection of the world ‘out there’, that is Able from this source of me, to reconstruct this world perspective that I have previously accepted and allowed as real.

So, in fundamentals of my living life, in this reconstruction process, I am asked me who I am in Moments, and in Momentum, as in how is this transition from one Moment to another Moment, that who I am in this living moment of me can learn to carry me into another living moment, and so make for neutral movement that could be as Drive something that is real within my life?

So in a way I continue walking Diligence, applied to Moments – in being aware of me that is in a moment as a part of me, seeing that the moments are attended to, and finished in a way, in the way that moving to the next moment is clear. And asking me in deepening thoroughness of Diligence, questions such as: Has this moment been addressed? Is there a completion here? Is this transition from one moment to the next being cleanly done? And so here comes up for me the word Clean in a different light, as Clean movement, as part of the dynamics in a way of the movement from one moment to the next; opening the next in a way that gives opportunity of the next moment to be open and new, and not conditioned by the things that might have been left outstanding.

Adam Closs
Posts: 422
Joined: 21 Jun 2011, 12:45

Re: Adam’s Journey into Life

Postby Adam Closs » 11 Dec 2016, 15:41

Day 360: Approaching the word Challenge


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In this excursion into what I have created as who I am in relationship to the word Challenge, I now return to the word Challenge itself. In looking at Challenge in the context of being Challenged in a supportive way, and seeing the invitation within that to support another being in their challenge of themselves, by becoming as a part of that same challenge: so an insight into how the word Challenge might be opening to me as having a receptive quality that I had never seen before.

Seeing this also made it clear how there had been something that I’d placed between me and the word itself, which was as a reaction to Challenge in going into a state of disempowerment in myself and then seeing Challenge in a way through the eyes of that. And being in and as that disempowerment, I could not see that there was any form of distortion or obstruction, but instead looked on Challenge through that filter, and saw the word Challenge as being hard and resilient, radiating all this power itself.

And the sort of power I saw had an aggressive quality because it was more like a confrontation, with connotations such as throwing down the gauntlet, competition and fighting for superiority, and in that game also in not picking up that gauntlet, a loss of honour. And triggering that quick transition into a state of disempowerment in front of Challenge, there was an abdication point…

Ok writing this, comes up the word Point, and seeing how I am accepting and allowing myself to react to this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Point as something alien to me, as something separate from me, as something so specific that I cannot avoid, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear as an experience of myself in seeing the hardness, sharpness of the Point, and seeing at the same time who I am within and as avoidance. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in being and becoming as avoidance of the point of truth in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be experiencing discomfort in myself in seeing the word Point in front of me as a threat to the ambiguity within myself that has become a comfort zone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone within avoidance of specificity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of anxiety in relation to the word Point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word Point as being potentially a threat to my inflations of the mind and to what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as real. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see the Eye of the Needle as being also the point of truth in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can somehow validate some idea of reality in myself and at the same time avoid the Point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the point as in fearing a pin that might pin me down into and as a definition of myself that I cannot shift or take responsibility for and so be able to direct it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the truth of me as a point of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into wanting to hide myself within the presence of the point of truth of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear responsibility; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an experience of fear to the word Responsibility. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative experience of myself in relation to the word Responsibility. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide within me awareness of the moments in my life where I have detached myself from Responsibility, and so within that, disguised from my own awareness the means of disempowerment of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in being responsible for my disempowerment of myself, and that within that judgement have accepted and allowed myself to detach myself from the very life of me and so accepted and allowed myself to collapse within myself in the presence of the word Challenge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine the process of my living life in judging such mistakes within my approach to life and within the approach of life to me in which I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realise that I am one and equal in both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise and understand that within a natural testing process of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reacting to the possibility and the probability of making mistakes, within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved to an image of Perfection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and to withdraw from me, when I see that I am going to expose myself to me as being Imperfect. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept an existence of myself as in not learning who I am, as in not expanding in and as myself, for the sake of living as an image of myself as Perfect as defined within myself according to my mind.


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