Giving – Give In
This is the first blog of two. I am going to investigate the usual saying of “giving and receiving” that ever so casually come together. What I have found is that within me there is a general miss-conception on this giving and receiving saying, as I do not understand the words in themselves. I usually say, give as you would like to receive, or give and you shall receive, yet – what exactly does GIVING mean to me, and so what does RECEIVING mean to me, and how am I living those words.
The reason I am investigating these words and starting with giving is quite interesting, as I had a moment the other day talking to my partner about a certain behaviour of mine, which involved me seeing myself as a giving person, and how I have lived this definition of “giving” – which turned out to actually being a pattern of self-harm, which surprised me, as I never saw how I was actually living this word and what my actions was in relation to this.
Where to start?
Giving is to have something and to then give that something to someone, giving can be a physical thing or an emotional thing. This is the general understanding of giving, if I have two apples and someone else is with me, I can give that other person one of the apples, and so I have now given.
Giving is also associated with being “positive” – something that is good, something that is a form of humbleness, it is to share, to give up what we possess and to give that to someone or something else and to kind of let go of the ego and to take more than self into consideration.
Most people in this world enjoy giving, we enjoy giving because we have set it as a point of self-reference, where we can now define ourselves according to our actions, and we can say, LOOK I am a good person, I have given and I do give, and thus making a statement of – I am not selfish, I care for more than myself, I have a good heart.
Sometimes, giving can challenge us, like seeing a homeless person standing on the side of the road begging for money or food, as we pass this homeless person holding out their hand, we will have this natural drive to want to GIVE, yet in those moments we might be eating a sandwich or some chips, or even sipping on a cool drink, and as we stare onto the homeless person in need and begging and we know that we have something that they do not have, and that we do have the option that we can give it to them, but if we do give it to them then we will not have it, we will be giving up the taste or the fulfilment, and so even when we are eating that sandwich or chips or sipping on the cool drink, we will simple feel guilty and not give it to the homeless person, we will come up with ALL kinds of reasons and justification to why we didn’t give what we had as a “luxury” to the person in plain sight in need. We will claim we are hungry now and thus we will not share this food, or we need this cool drink because we are now thirsty, so giving becomes a “strange” thing, like it is so natural and we have to fight it, we have to preserve something of ourselves by not giving in those moments and become numb to what’s in our faces to not give.
These are all simple and general points of how we all see and experience the word GIVING, yet, there are some deeper and scarier levels that we are living this word that I myself have not considered till the other day. Now this might not apply as my experience and living as the word giving, but I am sharing and writing this for you the reader to really check for yourself how you are living the word giving in a scary and absurd way that makes no sense, YET, it comes from an Idea of being a good person.
When giving becomes a point of self-sacrificing – there is a point of self-harm and abuse taking place, with even bigger implications behind it.
Let me explain, when giving becomes a point of self-sacrificing, we are not giving to ourselves, we are not caring for ourselves, we are neglecting ourselves, and this is exactly what I have been living, I have been living a form of giving that has NO practical sense within it, yet it comes from a good heart, with good intentions, it has a starting point of what is good, but as we all know, good has a polarity that motivates it, this is the bad side, the negative.
When we are NOT living the word giving to ourselves and understanding giving as an actual living word, and only going on what makes us feel good, then we are in fact only creating more harm, it is as if a broken car with good intentions wants to take a family from one place to another, it will not closely reach its destination and even worse, it will endanger the lives of the family it is transporting, but, with this cars good intentions and good heart and positive drive, it will be able to manipulate the family into trusting it, to climb into the car and to take the car as a point of trust and reliability to move them safely from point A to B, and even the car will believe that it is more than capable of doing this and not see its own faults, even though the car has been deliberately ignoring taking care as giving to itself to make sure it is in tip top conditions – as the car has been over working and sacrificing itself to always GIVE and GIVE and to never let anyone down, as it has defined itself according to its actions, and thus the car believes it can never compromise its actions to take care of itself, because what if there is a family right now that needs a lift, a ride, I can’t take care of myself as I must be ready, I must be there to make sure that I can give to this family what they need, if I am not, I will be a bad person.
So – this must surely expose the initial starting point of the word giving being lived, that I have already defined myself as a bad person, because of past events, because of how I have lived in deceptions and self-dishonesty, and so I have also defined myself already within that by my actions and what I have done and lived, and now giving as the one good thing is another option to regain my self-worth and value, which is a problem, especially when it is done in self-interest, where what I want to receive is to feel good about myself and thus my giving actually has nothing to do with giving and the other person, but only myself, and so I create this addiction to give and give and to actually neglect the negative things that is running me and motivating me to give, which is like a rotten apple rotting more and more and so I give more and more, but the way I am giving is becoming harmful, because it is now becoming so irrational in ways that makes no sense.
For example – I have over many years never complained about the food that is in our house, I always remained quiet and simply ate what was given/made – this was me seeing me as giving, what am I giving? Well I am giving the people that has made the food the satisfaction that all the food they make is good and that I am good with it, thus less worries and work for them to change their cooking, to make their cooking night s easy, this sounds simple right?? But what is the negative effects of this behaviour (and there are many) – first of all, my body isn’t feeling supported, which then effects my work, which then effects my daily living, which then effects my behaviours and reactions, which then effects everything else I do, my entire body – now I know I must complain, but simply communicate about it, but the reason I am doing this, is because I am living the word GIVING in a very irrational way that is connected to my self-value, my self-definition, which is already based in a negative light as self believes I have of myself, and thus the reasoning for me sacrificing myself through how I am giving to those around me, these methods of giving isn’t necessarily through actually physically giving someone an object or something, it is through my behaviours, it is through my habits, it is through my patterns, it is through what I do and do not do how I judge myself in a good light as giving – it is done in secret, it is done in my own little bubble of how I have defined GIVING and how can I live it.
So now everyone is living it this way, and we are all through living giving in our behaviours and habits – even if they harm others, justifying our actions and the outcomes, we can even call this giving the typical thing we all say – I do this because I love you.
This is how people with gambling addictions can justify their actions and behaviours, they have good intentions of gambling and making money and then they can GIVE to their family, to their partner or to themselves and then they can be valued and seen as someone that is good, someone that provides, and the same can go for gangsters and all sorts of other things in the same line, it is done from the living of the word GIVING and it defining us as who we are, yes I mention some extreme cases here – but realize how it goes back to our own daily lives and how we are doing, where good intentions to GIVE even pushes us to do bad things to be able to have something to GIVE to feel better, even if it means being a bad person that is sacrificing themselves to be able to give through their bad actions to those they love.
WE all do these things in small things at home, like dad sacrificing himself at work, or mom, to make money to GIVE to their family and to be a good father or mother.
The point we all need to see is, we need to change WHO we are and not define ourselves to our actions, because we will within this lose ourselves and neglect ourselves and so break down, as the car example. And we need to learn to GIVE to ourselves first, because that will only make us as effective one and equal to others and other things.
So, how do we redefine GIVING/GIVE? And to have something else to live? When we remove our actions defining our ability to give and to then define us?
We must look at the word once again Give-Ing – to give WITHIN – we must give within ourselves, how we give within ourselves. WE must give to ourselves the truth of what is happening within ourselves, we must be honest with ourselves about what is happening within ourselves and to see and realize what is existent within ourselves, within this we must realize to do this we need time for ourselves to be able to actually communicate with our partner or with a pen and paper and to write out, write down our suppressions, our denials, our desires, all the secret things within us that drives us daily and we need to GIVE to ourselves the space and time to work on these things, to really open up the space within ourselves, so we are giving to ourselves within those very acts.
If we do not do this, we will become our suppressions, our denials and our desires, but not in the way we have intended, not in the way that we have hoped to GIVE, it will become something that we will end up with saying BUT HOW, I only wanted the best for YOU, I only wanted to care, I only wanted to love, but now this has happened – a marriage has broken up, a fight has started, a new addiction has occurred, because we have felt so powerless to GIVE as we FEEL to make up for our actual experiences of being in adequate, being useless, being bad people, being born in sin, which is all lies and deceit that has been brainwashed within us since we were young children.
So giving and care for ourselves, to actually GIVE to ourselves we must FORGIVE ourselves for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves and how we have lived, the true start of any GIVING starts with self-forgiving, but we must first understand and realize why we forgive ourselves, no one else’s forgiveness will give to us as we can give to ourselves – the freedom from what we have defined ourselves as, the freedom from what bounds us to what defines us in secret and in the darkness when we are all alone, to let that go and to actually fix the machine, the car we drive daily, and so our giving that is within will equally reflect outwards and within and without will be one and equal in fact.
Please subscribe and see the second part on the word receiving.