Competition In MY KNEE - Day 543
I noticed after finishing my swim for tonight, I had a pain on my left k-nee(d), it felt like it was buckling in and this prompted me to lie down and investigate it further. What came up was a point of competition I was particpating in while myself and another swimmer where next to each other in the lanes, we kept passing each other and I was fighting myself to stop pushing myself to go fast and try and pass him and be the winner who get’s to the end of the lane first. I looked further into this and found that this pattern is one I participate in a lot and it’s a need to succeed and accomplish something, competition in sports is a great outlet for this pattern because it’s so clear the goal and a great chance of success. What pattern I saw existent within this desire to win, succeed, and accomplish things is a need to be valued by others and especially by myself, I am very competitive with myself, where if I do not succeed or grow within my life, I will create a depression type experience where I believe myself to be less valued, less worthy, and so lastly not able to compete, keep up, and survive in this world. So fear of survival is at the core of this pattern, where I believe myself to be only worthy or valued in this life if I am able to contribute something and compete to show I can, and within that seeking the best to feel better about myself.
What I didn’t realize is that this pattern is being fueled exclusively by my participation within it, there is a part of me that is seeking this feeling and this experience of being the best, being seen by others as worth something, and being able to within myself feel victorious in all that is able to be gained through being at the top and the best in a specific task or field. So my ego and self interest are equally pulsating as me in my actions and behaviors to move me in an intensity to succeed though within it I become unstable with fear of loss and fear of rejection at the same time. What I have learned through moving myself more and more into physical self directed movement is that there is a stability gained through living physically here that is unwavering in a way based on the very fact that I myself am creating the stability through what I have already lived and continue to live in each moment as my stand and my commitment. It is me, so I know and understand who I am within it which breeds clarity within self and thus stability in my enviroment.
When I go into ego, all bets are off as in self interest and ego you lose focus of the physical and of yourself, and you start drifting in thought streams that will take you with energy attached to them and then your on a roller coaster. So I have found that the stability of living my words, changing myself in my highest potential, and doing what is best is the best way to go as it’s the most certain and creates the most stability within self to create how I see fit.
I will walk some self forgiveness on competition and self interest:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my ego in self interest of being the best within my swimming today due to wanting to impress the man i was swimming against so I could feel worthy if we were to interact as he would know that I am a good athlete and thus I am accomplished in something in my life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen by others as accomplished and good at things in my life because within myself i am feeling as if i am lacking in some way or another due to thoughts that I need to be better, i am not good enough, there are so many others who are better, and so create an experience that I am not as good and thus I will not be able to live the life i desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of survival in this world due to what i have imprinted in my life where i see that you have to be good at something, and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself to the life expression that exist within myself and so exist within all that is creative within it’s very expression, and so i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my and others creative expressions due to this belief that some are inherently great at things and those who are not are not as worthy and so subject to life in compromise.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in to this belief that some are inherently better then others due to what they can do, what they say, what they look like, and so create this separation with everything that exist by putting everything in a box as good or bad and wrapping energy around this box pulsating positive or negative energy depending what i have programmed into myself to within that be able to have the high from time to time.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that separation exists in this world and so live into the survival system that was designed so I could feed off of the weak to be able to give myself a high once in a while, feeding off of addictive patterns within myself showing my own weaknesses, and being ok with a diminished and self compromised existence as life here in what is best in oneness and equality is able to be lived and is already here as me, though i must stand one and equal to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into addictions within myself as highs and so equally participate and live out the lows pretending that i don’t know what I am doing, when all the while I have been fooling myself and creating conflict in all areas of my life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am not good enough due to an inherent belief that my dad is the top of my world and I would have to be like him to succeed though fearing this because i did not like the way my dad conducts himself in his words and behaviors.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attach the words accomplished, confident, strength, and courage to my dad and equally resist it because i don’t like my dad’s way of living.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself due to this belief that i have to be like my dad when i see, realize, and understand we are each walking our own individual processes here and I have the ability to direct myself in my best and within that i have free creative expression to do what I will, it’s all up to me and directed and defined by me.
When and as I see I am going into a form of self interest as ego wanting something or being driven to do something, I stop and breath, and realize I am activating my mind competition and so create chaos and instability in my world through play outs and timelines that will bring me back to the same point of self diminishment and feeling unworthy. I realize I have to walk the physical timeline of proving myself in my living that I am able to change myself into living words that are best for all and so best for me with the clear directive to walk myself change into a unique and individual expression that is boundless in the potentials of my abilities and creation.
I commit myself to walk the letting go of the desire to accomplish and succeed and walk the living word process of creation and self change as I move myself into pursuits of my own creation that I direct and push in the purposes of what is best for all and expressing myself in new ways that work.
I commit myself to let go of the belief that i am unworthy as I see this is created from thoughts and thoughts do not define me as I am not defined by a belief, I am defined by my living in what i create here and for what purposes.
I commit myself to push myself into the new redefined word of competition in pushing my self creative process into more expansive ways to move this process to life further to support more and more and walk what is best for all.
I commit myself to let go of the relationship with my dad as my director in my life and put myself in that position in self responsibility to not only walk my process to life in the best of my ability but allow others to walk theres and realize i am not responsible for everyone making it, each one is that for themselves.
I commit myself to push myself to move beyond my limitations and support where I am able to though allow others to walk their own process as this is where self growth and empowerment is born.