Andrew's Journey To Life

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 29 Oct 2012, 08:11

The Decision – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 172
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-172/


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone Living “What is Best For ALL” and instead Live Self Interest, where within this The path I walked as my daily life was a path of self interest and not a path of what is best for all.

I see that I have not made a dedicated decision to Live what is best for all and to thus actually Live this Decision Daily which would be able to be measured in and as my living actions daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back “just a little longer” from actually making the dedicated decision to live what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up my life of self interest for a life of what is best for all, because this means then that the “way I live” would change, and be different and I want/wanted to hold onto the patterns that I was living that in essence added up to a life of self interest.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take a good look inside myself and in this make a Clear Dedicated Decision of what I am going to live as who I am going to be, and thus make that decision to Live What is Best for ALL and do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off making the decision to live what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that to Commit myself to Life does not require some “external point” but all it requires is me making a decision to do this and in this giving up Self Interest and my Life of Self Interest and Aligning myself to Living What is Best for ALL with the resources that I have and thus Simply Doing/Walking/Living It.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to Live the motivation that is required to Live what is best for all. Motivation that come with the Dedicated Decision to Live what is best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with “Self Doubt” where I starting thinking/worrying about “what if I can’t do it” and “what if I go back to my self interested ways”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to allocate my time accordingly in relation to actually preparing /developing myself to Live what is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make Living What is Best For ALL a SERIOUS and REAL Consideration/Decision I make and actually LIVE As.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to move/direct myself according to what is best for all where I put my time to good use and am utilizing my time here to Prepare/Direct myself in relation to What is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of what I believe will be “Hard Work” in Living What is Best For ALL in and as Absolute Dedication, and so postpone and hold back actually LIVING A LIFE THAT IS BEST FOR ALL. Because I fear giving up my easy life for a life Where I Dedicate Myself Daily to What is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all it requires of me to do is Live Each Moment as what is best for ALL, it is not that I do not understand what to do, it is that I am reluctant to do so and thus postponing actually doing this because I see that it will take Daily Dedicated Effort and Preparation on my part where I am working with myself Daily in an Effective Manner to Prepare/Develop myself within the Context of What is Best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make the decision within myself as WHO I AM to Live What is Best for ALL as a FINAL Decision as WHO I AM within this LIFE to Support the Bringing Forth of What is Best For ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as Beneath that which is required to Live/Stand as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not Deciding who I am /want to be and Aligning my Daily Living according to produce the result of that which I Decide to be to Support What is Best For ALL. But instead accepted and allowed Self Interest as the Lack of A Dedicated Decision to LIVE what is Best For ALL, to remain who I am as who I have always been and lived as.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to shape, mould, form, create myself according to that which is best for all so that I am able to SUPPORT/ Facilitate this Process to the Utmost.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I do not actually know what my skills are because I have never in fact Willed myself within the context of what is best for all which imply utilizing my current skill set to its utmost potential and thus within this actually seeing what I am capable of and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through by defining me as limited or not good or skilled enough, without in fact moving myself to in fact apply myself within my utmost potential, thus never actually utilizing effectively Me and the Skills that I do have.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that Skill is a secondary point where initially one must first make a decision to Apply Oneself and accordingly the skills develop as an outflow of ones decision to apply oneself. Thus The Principle of “Where there is a WILL there is WAY.

Self Corrections to Follow.

Desteni Has just launched Desteni I Process Lite. This is a completely free, online course with buddy support. The course material has been designed from the ground up to accommodate complete beginners to the Desteni material. And if you’ve been with Desteni for years, there’s a lot you can learn through revisiting the basics in a format you haven’t experienced yet.

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Andrew
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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:32

Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 30 Oct 2012, 05:09

The Decision – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 173
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-173/


I commit myself to assist and support myself within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to make a decision of who I want to be this life, and who I want to live as in this life, and to make this “Who I AM” in my daily living application and no more accept and allow myself to postpone the necessary patterns/actions I must walk/live/align myself to within and as myself to become that which I decide to be and that within this I Align “Who I AM” to what is best for all in support of Life.

I see that I have not made a dedicated decision to Live what is best for all and to thus actually Live this Decision Daily which would be able to be measured in and as my living actions daily.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to Live My DELIBERATE DECISION of who I am Daily where I look at what is required to be done and lived to effectively support myself to Align my living to that which is best for all within what I decide to live where by I stop accepting and allowing myself to postpone accumulating myself in my physical living behaviours/actions to that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stop holding back and to dedicate myself and my life to that which is best for all, where this becomes who I am in and as my daily living expression of me in every moment, and so at this stage I require to assist and support myself within writing to practically place down on paper my decision of what I will live to the best of my ability to assist and support myself to bring some concreteness to my decision that will facilitate my living of my Decision to give up The Road of Self Interest for the Road of what is best for all.

I commit myself to investigate my Living Pattern in detail and specificity so to ensure that where I place my attention/action will effectively accumulate to a Self that is Best for ALL.

I commit myself to write down on paper to the best of my ability this Decision to Dedicate my living to what is best for all so within this I can better and with more clarity understand what I will be required to do and required to live as a practical mathematical living to ensure what I accumulate as my living in fact Align with My Decision to Live what is best for all, and thus also so to have a guideline to assist and support myself to keep myself on track as I walk out of my patterns of self interest and into patterns that is best for all as my daily living routine.

I see/realize/understand that I have not yet made a decision within myself to change my Living to that which is best for all, and also not realizing that I am able to make this decision for myself and accordingly Align my Living Expression to Walk that decision in every moment.

I see/realize/understand that I have ‘wasted’ allot of time through allowing myself to postpone actually walking or even initially making this decision. I see that I have waited because I wanted to see what it was like to live Self Interest. I wanted to experience myself interested desires/feelings/experiences. I was afraid to give this path of self interest up. I feared it being to hard, to difficult to give up self interest for what is best for all. I see also that I had not make a clear and specific Decision to Live What is Best For ALL. As a Point of Self Direction, and so in this would allow myself to live patterns that was not aligned at all with becoming a being that is best for all.

I see/realize/understand that the Decision to Live what is best for all is a Decision that I must make for myself and in making the Decision in Fact I will then Dedicate/Align my Life and Actions and Attention Accordingly.

I see, that I still must sit down with myself and write out in detail who I will be(come) as that which is Best For ALL, looking at the various Dimensions of this from Personal Integrity, to Work/Career, to Self Education, and then Make a Decision to Align myself within that and then Align my life accordingly. I see that at this stage my Life is NOT at all Aligned with any kind of clear purpose to become that which is best for all, this is more a point that is “in the background” but not something that I see I am in fact living in a way that will bring conclusive results and can be measurable in Who I AM.

I commit myself to within this Set-Up a Daily Schedule based on the Decision I come to in regards to Living/Becoming that which is best for all – A Daily Schedule that is actually Aligned to this purpose and that will practically over time produce the necessary results.

I see/realize/understand that what I have been missing is a Clearly Defined Decision Made within Myself to Become that which is best for all, and that I have postponed making this decision within myself and in this Committing myself to this Decision Point.

I commit myself to investigate my self doubt and worries and concerns and anything that come up that would influence me to stray from the dedicated path that I have decided to walk to support me in becoming/standing as what is best for all, and so within my process of self writing can take ALL such ‘influences’ / ‘fears’ / ‘worries’ / ‘concerns’ and investigate them in writing with the directive principle of releasing from within and as who I am, anything that is NOT Best For ALL, and is still existing in Self interest. And so within my writing assist and support myself to Strengthen and Clarify my Standing/Walking/Living that which is Best For ALL.

Time Management is important in ensuring that I am spending the time I have each day on the necessary applications that will prepare me within the necessary aspects/points of myself to Stand Effectively as a Support for/as What is Best For ALL.

In My next blog I will continue with the Self Corrections

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 31 Oct 2012, 07:05

The Religion of $elf – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 173
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-173/


I was reading a point that was recently mentioned in regards to “The Religion of Self” one thing mentioned is how the Religion of Self is formed in relation to the past where one would normally hold some person or event responsible for why self is the way self is. In relation to this I started to immediately look at Who I am in relation to money and looking at “My Religion of Self” within the context of who I have defined myself to be within the context of Money and why I am the way I am.

What I see is Blame towards my family. And How I was raised for being “Why I am The Way I AM” where I have instead of actually taking responsibility for myself within this point, have just accepted “This is Who I AM”, “And it is because of my family and the way I was raised” I see that I have been subtly hanging onto Blame in relation to who I am in and as my relationship to money. Believing “There is Nothing That Can be Done” and Blaming my ‘circumstances’ for my relationship with money, and then “that is that” Holding onto blame instead of changing myself , taking responsibility for myself within this point and Directing Myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family and my family upbringing for why I am the way I am in relation to money, that because I was not raised or taught to understand how to do business in this world and make business/money transactions where this became a more natural part of me, that then “I am doomed in this point” and there is nothing I can do to Change myself or re-establish a “New” Relationship with money, and that “It’s too late now” and within this statement of “its too late now” actually accept and allow myself to hold onto this “Religion of Self” as who I am, and specifically here, who I am in relation to Money as that Self that I have formed in blame towards my family and my upbringing

I see/realize/understand that it is up to me to change myself. I see/realize/understand that I have doubts about my Ability to “Change My Ways” in relation to Money and I see that I simply must face these fears, there doubts and to also assist and support myself within this process with Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Correction.

When and as I see myself starting to experience a kind of anxiety as fear arising from within me in relation to the point of Directing myself in a Committed Dedicated Decision that I have made to Change my relationship with money, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that if I accept and allow Fear to Direct me and Anxiety to Direct me within this Point, that I will simply “remain the same”. I see/realize/understand that it is MY Responsibility to Change my Relationship with Money and that I must walk PLAY BY THE RULES of Money, meaning I will have to walk the paths and form the relationships that are conducive to generating Money. This means that I will be required to participate and Live in a Different Way from the perspective that What I have lived up to now has been based on my Current Relationship with money where I was able to Live Certain Specific Patterns in my life because I did not have to bother with actually changing my relationship to money which I have now and am busy Committing myself to doing. Thus this means that I will have to walk in and as breath and assisting and supporting myself within Self Forgiveness to walk through points of resistance or fear or uncertainty or doubt or any point or experience that would cause me to stray from my commitment. I commit myself to remember that I MUST PLAY BY THE RULES OF MONEY, and so within this to remain Practical in my Planning and Structuring of How to Actually Change/Form My Relationship with Money, realizing that I will face things that I do not want to do that I have not done before, and that I will have to do those things within my process of Re-Forming My Relationship to Money within myself/life/.



I commit myself to when and as I see myself thinking about or pondering about my family and how I was raised in relation to my relationship with money particularly in relation to any perceived “downfall” I might have with money, I stop and I breathe. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for “who I am” in relation to money where within doing this Not Taking Responsibility for myself and Willing and Committing Myself to Walk the Necessary Self Corrective Application instead of just existing in blame and excuses and inferiority.

I commit myself to face my “issues” with money such as rejection, embarrassment, inferiority, fear of not being liked, and to thus walk the Character Dimensions of Who I am within the context of Money and who I have become and lived as within the Context of Money thus walking My “Money Character”

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 01 Nov 2012, 07:33

Making a Living with Art/Being an Artist- An Artists Journey To Life: Day 174
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-174/

Yesterday I started to look at my relationship with money. This has came up recently as I have been exploring the point of Selling my Artwork. I have done some selling in my past of my work but have not done this “aggressively” for some time, and in fact have not really even taken on the point of selling my art aggressively. By Aggressively I mean where I actually take on this point on a daily basis where it becomes a Consistent Application I engage myself within with specific targets and goals and practical steps I walk everyday. So as I have been looking at this point recently I have noticed different thoughts, and experiences, and doubts and dreams coming up within myself in relation to this point of selling art and so am going to future explore this point of Selling Art and also within this investigating my own relationship I have with money.

Fear Dimension.
I fear asking to much money for my art/like pricing my art to high and then not making sales
Fear facing large crowds of people and socializing
Fear nobody liking my art like being at an opening and no body likes my art that is up or they respond to it in a bad way
Fear failing – And not having the opportunity to live/walk this path
I Fear that this was not meant to be and it does not work out
I fear everybody laughing at me if I fail
I fear everybody thinking that I will fail (fear of what others think)
Fear of being ridiculed

Thought Dimension.
See a picture of me checking my website after a while and absolutely nothing has sold and nothing is moving
seeing picture of me in galleries and out doing shows and socializing etc
See a picture of me of facing a crowd of people
See myself in a depression, like in the future being exhausted because I tried but I failed and just seeing me slumped down and its dark and I have no options on what to do next
Seeing a picture of an artist who is really social and excellent in communication and with people and comparing/seeing myself in relation to that and thinking “that is not me”

Imagination Dimension
Where I start to go into imagining what the people are saying about me and talking about me because the price of my art is to high, like seeing/imagining them talking about me behind my back kind of thing.

I also see that go into this polarity point where I see myself being very successful and making lots of sales online and being really successful, where I will play out this point of me doing this job of making and selling art full time and thinking what my life would be like, thinking it will be great and seeing myself packaging paintings and basically playing out the entire point within my imagination of when I am successful at this

Back-chat Dimension
I don’t deserve this
This is to good to be true
I just know I will fail
What if I price my art to low?
I will never figure this out and find the right price
It just won’t work with my art
I am not equip for this
I can’t do what it takes
I am not organized enough with this kind of stuff
What if I am not supposed to do this
What if I am supposed to fail to learn a lesson
What if its not in the cards for me
What if I can’t do this
What if this doesn’t work out
I knew this would never work.
This will never work
I am not good with people
I am not social enough or effective enough with my communication
I am not intelligent/smart enough (especially for the internet marketing side of things)
I will never do it
That is not me
I don’t deserve this
This is to good to be true
I just know I will fail

Reaction/Experience Dimension

Experience an inner excitement and drive

Not wanting to do anything else
Experience Anxiety like can’t move fast enough – just wanting it done so fast
Suddenly drop inside myself like the bottom falls out and I feel like IT WILL NEVER WORK and then experience a sadness and depression coming over me, like a despair where everything goes dark and black like disappointment
Suddenly Realizing – This will never work and feeling stunned.
Feeling inadequate (in relation to the money side of things)
Heaviness within me
Feeling Inferior
Self Doubt
Anxiety (fear of failure/future)

Physical Behaviour Dimension

Work all day doing research and setting everything up
Can’t sit still, pacing in my house, not able to focus

Consequence Dimension
Stuck in the pattern of never pushing myself through the resistances and actually doing this point consistently and actually Making this Point My life – I give to quickly believing I have failed and it wasn’t meant to be when ever facing resistance points instead of making the decision within myself to FACE ALL my Resistance points within making this point work, as that will be the only way I be successful at this point of selling art – IF I walk the necessary Practical Steps of This Regardless of if I experience resistance to them or feel inferior to them.
I never actually “work the plan” I give up to early and never in fact walk the practical steps to see if I am capable of doing it, and thus never get “past” this point. – So Stop myself before I start like I have done so far.
Not giving myself the opportunity to explore myself and expand myself into different areas/avenues because I come to conclusions of who I am and what I am and what I am not without walking through my fears and allowing myself to become that which is necessary for this to work.

Fear Dimension Self Forgiveness

I Fear that this was not meant to be and it does not work out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that the point of selling art / being successful at selling art “was not meant to be” where in an instant I will become consumed by this point of fear that “it was not meant to be” where I believe that there is just some reason for why this will not work like some unseen force that will just make this point not work and I will become gripped by this fear experience within this becoming possessed by an experience of fear instead of sticking to practical reality of sticking with the practical step by step plan that I have laid out for myself to walk/follow to be successful, where in reacting in fear I will in a way lose touch with the physical practical reality and thus accept and allow this “Experience” of myself of/as Fear to influence and direct me, without even thoroughly investigating what this experience is or effectively testing my practical process thoroughly within the point of actually walking the process of selling art, where instead of in fact testing the point and trusting Actual Practical Reality Feedback – I will just trust a Fear Experience that emerge within me which is actually irrational to do because I have not investigated that such fear to see where it in fact come from and why I believe that “something will happen” that “there is just something here that won’t work” that “ I just KNOW I will fail” though yet trusting such a fear based on “I just KNOW” though not having an IN FACT stable basis for why “I JUST KNOW” but just going with and trusting this such allusive reasoning which is quite irrational.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my fears instead of investigating them inside out to see where the fear comes from and how I created it and formed it, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fears that come up within me, approaching them from the perspective that “I am not supposed to know how I created them and also that I am not able to understand how I created them” and thus within this not actually Exploring my Fears in Detail in Writing, sitting with each fear and breaking it down and applying self forgiveness on it so to no more accept and allow myself to be ‘blindingly’ accepting my fear experience that come up within me.

In the Next Blog I will continue with more Self Forgiveness on the Fear Dimension

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 02 Nov 2012, 06:10

Mental Instability VS Physical Stability : An Artists Journey To Life: Day 176
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-175/


This blog is a continuation from the previous posts:

Making a Living with Art/Being an Artist- An Artists Journey To Life: Day 174

The Religion of $elf – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 173

I am continuing here looking at the point of “Art” and specifically “Making a Living At Art”
There was a few different aspects that I experience(d) in relation to this point of “Making a Living at Art” one of them being where “I did not see myself as able to ‘do what the system wants’” meaning it was was like I was in a way “refusing to conform” I understand that this is kind of a rebel thing to do, but I thought that I would not enjoy it, I thought that I would not be able to do it. And it was in such statements that I would make to myself that I gave myself a good enough reason to not do it. This seeing this here as how I would talk myself out of it within my mind/within my back-chat.

I noticed yesterday as I worked with this point and wrote out all the various definitions of this character that more and more points/dimensions just kept opening up. So what I am seeing is that I am still getting comfortable with how to effectively open up the dimensions of a character and so will continue here from where I left off yesterday.
I am going to explore the particular fear that I started the Self Forgiveness on yesterday and just write about this fear so as to get more clarity of what this fear actually is.

“I Fear that this was not meant to be and it does not work out”

This fear is related to the idea of “inevitable failure” and also “Fear of Self Delusion” When I first started wtih Desteni I really had a eye opener with regards to how I was living my life. And particularly with Art. I saw how extensively self interest proliferated through my life and in essence how selfish I was in manipulating so that I could have things my way and do things my way. I felt/feel guilty how I Did this, particularly with art where I would in essence be getting others to do my dirty work as I was just wanted to paint pictures all day. So now since then I have been quite reluctant to do art anymore. Yet at the same time still wanting to do it. At times I was fine not doing it, but overall it was a point that was VERY Prominent within me as a point that I still wanted to explore and see if could utilize this skill in my life. I see that I really often talk myself out if to, like “talking down the point” saying “its nothing”, “It will never work” “its just a hobby” “you will NEVER make any money at it” “your delusional” and so in that back-chat never actually get myself to the point of Walking with this point of Art within Seeing it as something that is actually viable as a financial Support – I just wrote it off completely in a way – “I WILL NEVER MAKE MONEY AT IT”.

Another thing that I am seeing here is that my father was a musician and never made his art/music something that was able to support him financially and so the example that i have is “how not to make ones craft/art a successful endeavour”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have not had an example of how to in utilize my skill set as a Artist to generate sufficient money for myself to be able to make a living with my art or be successful within this point, but that in fact the example I had was how NOT to do this.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my observations of my fathers relationship with his art and the path that he walked has become a part of my “opinion” that I have formed about my ability to do this.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to back up my drive to want this to work with practical application and tested physical results where in essence I transform my approach from desire and want to deliberate practical applications that is related to making money with selling art, seeing that Making Money is the point because if that aspect of the equation is not in place, nothing is going to work.

Ok continuing with the fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people seeing me fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear failing and letting my parents down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and letting my mom down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the expectations of my Parents because I fear not living up to my own expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this endeavour failing even within me giving it my all, because then it will really be over, and I fear that moment, I fear that moment of this point with art really being over, I fear this because I have put so much into this point, and I don’t see any other point or way to in my life be fulfilled like the way I could with/if this point is successful, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear extensively having this point not work out and fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that moment/point in my life where my potential as an Artist is over and done, which is the equivalent to my “spark of life” being over, and thus me no more being able to add or contribute anything to life and to humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that I am not smart or intelligent enough to succeed, and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that I am not able to do this point of art and make it a success, I fear finding out that I am not able to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear within myself as I walk this point of moving myself to making a living at art, fear that something is going to go wrong and I will suddenly reach that point where there will be some point that is in conflict with the path I am walking, something that I did not consider and overlooked, something that will prevent me from going any further, like a gape in my path that will stop/prevent me from walking this point of making a living with my art and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear that there has simply go to be something that will go wrong.

I see/realize/understand that it is likely that there will be allot of obstacles. That I may face numerous instances where things don’t align the way I thought, or that there was something that I overlooked – I see that it does not support me to constantly be thinking/worrying about “that one fatal mistake” where everything come crashing down. I see also that this “one fatal mistake” is actually more of a misperception of how reality works, as reality normally go that when things go wrong, you simply correct the point and work with the point using common sense to correct and then get back on course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake due to believing that one tiny mistake will make everything come crashing down, where I am seeing/perceiving/experiencing things to be soooooo very fragile where not even a hair can be out of place otherwise everything will collapse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this very way within myself within and as my mind where I completely crumble within myself and breakdown if one tiny hair is out of place.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the physical does not work like the mind, because for instance the house that I am living in at the moment was built over 15 years ago and it stand here stable for all these years, enduring all weather conditions, and things happening all around it and within it for some many year, yet the point is Stable – And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align myself with my mind that I have created/programmed to be very unstable if one little hair is out of place instead of aligning myself with the practical physical reality where it is much more stable and representative of how things actually move/work, but that I have not ever Aligned me with and as the physical and so missed that point of stability existing in and as the physical and GLARINGLY the perfect example that I have walked and lived with all my life that has been right in front of my face the entire time that I failed to see – My Human Physical Body as and Effective Physical System that has been stable for my entire life where for instance my Heart has not missed a beat but remained stable here one beat at a time absolute consistent. And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my practical physical body as a practical example of a trustworthy system in terms of what is capable, and that instead I have aligned me with and as my mind where everything is building and collapsing building and collapsing moment to moment.

Self Corrections to Follow.

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Andrew
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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:32

Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 03 Nov 2012, 06:40

The Fears of The “Starving Artist” (Self Corrections) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 177
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-177/

I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear in an automatic way in relation to this point of “Art” and walking the process of setting up myself within this point so that is a viable income support point, where in I will react in fear prematurely before having even practically tested the point.
When and as I see myself to reacting in / going into fear in relation to this point related to “making art my living” I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that to participate in fear related to this point does not support me as it is not offering a “practical perspective” on things at all but is more related to irrationality and assumptions, thus I commit myself to not further go into the fear experience within me that comes up in relation to this point I am walking but to in those such moments remain here in my breathing and attention and rather focus on Directing myself to write out this point and the various aspects of this point in detail, including and points of fear that are coming up so to ensure that I am understanding why these points of fear are coming up and not just “going with them” where I actually have not practical understanding of the fear experience I am in fact having, and so thus also here I commit myself to work with myself within self writing to understand why I have these fears and where they are coming from and how I created them.

I commit myself develop a complete understanding from the perspective of assisting and supporting myself within my self writing, self forgiveness, and self correction to understand each fear that I have no more accepting and allowing myself to just let my fears overrun me without ever investigating each one in exact detail to see what is the actual fear experience(s) coming up.

I see/realize/understand that I have created the belief within me that “Artists don’t make money” or that “its impossible” to make money with Art. I see that the example that I was given within my family structure was an example of “how not to make money” and the particular experiences/energies/ways of being/backchats/ etc that one requires to “not make money” within the point of art, and so I commit myself push myself to look at this point of “making a living at art” as practically as I can, not just looking at the points that would like to do within this, but looking at all the various ways I can utilize this particular skill I have within the task at hand. I Commit myself to investigate how I have accepted and allowed myself to Live the “Starving Artist Character” where I have formed/developed a belief that it is impossible/hard to make money as an artist, in this “making up my mind about it” instead of practically investigating this “belief” to see if it is in fact true.

I commit myself to look at how I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the context of “being an artist” and realize that the patterns/behaviours/applications that I lived as an artist is NOT going to work within the context of making an effective living with my art, as the Character that I have lived with my Art thus far has been the Starving/Tortured Artist, living out the specific necessary dimensions of this character to produce the Result of the Starving Artist, who obviously does not make any money with his Art.

I commit myself to remind myself that when I am “not feeling like this is going to work and just not feeling into it” that that is an mind related emotional experience in relation to the point of walking the point of Making a living with my art. I commit myself to when I experience such a point remind myself that it does not matter what I experience as an emotional state, meaning The point here is to set out a practical plan that I follow each day consistently and that if I accept and allow myself to deviate from this practical plan of daily consistency within this point, then in such moments I am actually accepting and allowing myself to exist as the “Starving Artist Character” as I see that one way that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow through on making this point with art practically viable as an economic support, is by giving into those emotional states as I am moving/directing myself to Align myself with the necessary aspects of making this point practically viable, realistic, tangible, calculable.

I see/realize/understand that the “fear of people seeing me fail” is a dimension of my Starving Artist Character that only support me giving up or even not even trying due to fear of people seeing me fail.

I see that I fear failure so much because I fear being seen as a failure and I also fear being a failure because then this would mean I am useless and have no ability to contribute. I fear having not ability to contribute and thus support myself, I see that I believe that I am not able to do this, to support myself financially with my art, probably because I have never done it before, yet have really tried very little to do this in a practical effective way. I fear MYSELF, I fear that I am able to trick myself. That I am able to Lie to myself so well that I will convince myself to do something that actually put me harms way. I fear my past. I fear my past of self interest as the patterns that I have lived that placed me “harms way” from the perspective of not developing an effective economic support for myself. “I fear that I will do this again” That I will just repeat the same shit over again , and so as I walk this point I experience fear in relation to thinking I am doing the same thing over again and will end up at the same point. I fear that my programming is to powerful, and so I am constantly watching in fear waiting for myself to suddenly realize “oh shit its too late” and I have messed up, or deceived myself. I Fear that I am Deceiving Myself.
“Art is Deception” This is my credo, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe. That is what I tell myself so often. “Art is Deception” This has to do with the point of actually enjoying the point of doing art. Believing that if I enjoy something that it is lie. I believe that I should not get to do anything that I want to do to. And for this reason I become paralyzed with fear because Art is something that I have wanted to do and so in advancing a step within this point is like just waiting for the “truth to reveal” that I am a lying deceiving self interested person. Because this MUST be who I am if I do Art – Because Art is a fucking Joke. Get your head out of the clouds. I fear really enjoying myself in something. I Fear walking up and doing something that I actually enjoy doing. I believe that I should have to do things I don’t enjoy doing as much, and that in doing that, I am/will be self honest.

Ok so I ended off this blog with a bit more of a ranting and raving approach still obviously “writing out” this point for myself to understand the inner conflict that is taking place within me at the moment as I approach this point of getting things set up with my art to align it in a way that is more effective than what I have/had done in the past which is to essentially be living out the “Starving Artist Character”

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Andrew
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Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 04 Nov 2012, 07:00

Fear of Not Meeting Your Expectations – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 178
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-178/


Ok continuing with the “fear dimension” of what I have now identified as the “Starving Artist Character”

Today I did not want to follow through with my commitments I had made to myself within some of the practical points I have laid out for myself to make my Art “much more practical” from a financial point of view. I just really did not “feel” like it any more, I experienced a “drop” within myself so experiencing a “negative energy experience” and that this experience was actually influencing my practical self direction where because of my “experience” of myself, this entire point of “setting up my art so that I can make money with it” became much more in flux and in doubt. I see/realize/understand that this is exactly the types of situations that I must simply walk through and continue with getting the necessary practical points in place to start to sell my Art.

So that is a bit of an overview of today and now I am going to continue on with the self commitments on the self forgiveness I had done on the fear dimension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and letting my mom down
Ok so I am seeing this particular fear as being quite “down there” inside me as initially now when I read this SF line the points does not come up within me. In relation to this I actually see an image of me standing in the kitchen with my mother and I am speaking/revealing to her that “the art thing is not working out” this image is a future projection and in this moment I am basically at the point where I have tried the point and could not get it to work and so am now revealing this to my mom and feeling/experiencing myself in a way ashamed of myself and inferior. Like I had not met my mother expectations, which I had wanted to meet to make her proud. I have noticed that even now being at home that I have this fear come up of “meeting my parents expectations” like they “expect something of me” like for me to succeed, and I fear letting them down. I don’t want to let them down. At this stage it is like there can exist this form of Hope that exist as an expectations/anticipation in the air of “what I may or may not do” Obviously if I was 70 years old there would be no expectation or anticipation for me to do anything as I would have already lived my life on earth, that is within the normal societal standards of how one normally progress within there life where by the time one reach the age of 70 they are not considered as valuable or important to the system as someone younger, stronger and more vibrant.
So this fear is more about the point of having to face “the truth” where I would for instance support an idea in the minds of people around me/my mother about who I was and what I was doing where then in my actions this idea is destroyed and I have to face that moment of “revealing my lie” as that is what I experience this as – Like a lie that I had created about me and delivered this lie to others to believe and then it reveals that I am NOT this (and I have failed) then I must face myself. I must stand there as who I really am where its like the facade fades away and suddenly I am revealed and I am just a normal being with no special powers/abilities and I really don’t have any magic solutions.
So I see this point is related to “The Real ME” vs “The Me people think I am” I see there is 2 dimensions of this. There is the 1 dimension where people create there own ideas/expectations of me that is not me that they have created within their own mind. And there is the dimension where I actually end up fuelling and supporting “false perceptions” about me within the minds of others that is Not actually me either.
I see also that this point has to do with the Value that I have placed on Money. And how I believe that if I can make money with art that this will be a “Success” that will “make me more-than”
I commit myself to when and as I see the fear of failing and letting my mom down coming up within me to stop myself and breathe and bring myself Here. I see that the point is not about trying to become “more” to try and achieve a certain level of success that will “make me more” or “make me great” But rather I see the point here is to work with myself on a more “Real” level where my success or failure with money and art does not determine the worth of myself as Life. Though Here I see that I have connected my “Success with art and money” to self honesty and self responsibility and self effectiveness which is some of the points that I am working on within myself and so essentially the point of failing at art and money then would indicate a failing of myself in walking self honesty / self responsibility / self effectiveness etc…It represent a point of being Static. I Fear Not Changing, I Fear remaining the same, I Fear remaining the same as I am now, I am not satisfied with who I am now, I deceitful,
Also here I commit myself to look at the expectations that I have placed on myself as well as the expectations that my mother/family/peers have placed on me and ask myself if these expectations are real and to look at where these expectations are not practical, and thus I commit myself to Align my expectations of myself to practical reality and real life.
Ok so now I see I fear letting my mother down from the perspective of not meeting the expectations that she has of me. I fear this because I fear that I will not be able to do it. I fear that I am not capable of it, I fear that I will prove to be ineffective and weak, and essentially not end up doing much or succeeding in my career and with money. Her expectations are reasonable – My expectations of myself are probably higher than hers are of me. In looking at this Art point, I have projected an expectation of myself that I feel I should be able to live/execute. But within this I fear not being able to do it because I have in a way connected this expectation to fulfilment and happiness and strength. So if I do not meet my own expectation of myself than I will not reach that point of fulfilment, and thus there is this fear within me. My mothers expectations are not that high. I fear that she will judge me to because her expectations are not that high, and she will think “that is not much to ask” and he didn’t even do that, but that is my own judgement of myself, and again here seeing how I have linked my self value and worth to “who I will become” in the future. In the Future I will be better, I will be worthy, I will be strong, I will be strong willed and live in Stable Self Honesty. ALL of that is in the future somewhere. Locked into this idea of who I will be once I attain my Carrier Goals.
So I see that this fear of letting my mother down is related to the expectations I have placed on myself and how I have linked/connected my self value to meeting those expectations and that thus separating myself from Self Value, believing that Self Value and Fulfilment is only out there, once I achieve or reach these certain benchmarks as rungs on the ladder as my projected future pathway/climb to success.
Ok going to stop here – I will continue in my next post looking at how to solidify this self correction/commit to myself in relation to the “fear of failure and letting my mom down”

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Andrew
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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:32

Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 05 Nov 2012, 06:28

Can I Walk Away in My Next Breath – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 179
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-179/


Ok I really ended up bogging myself down with my last post, so with this post I am going to continue with the self corrective statements on the Self Forgiveness that I have done on the fears but before I get into that I wanted to mention a point that noticed about this whole “Artist Character” that I have writing out.

What I noticed is the following – That I am essentially walking the pattern that I learned within my Family Structure as in watching my Father ‘pursue’ Music in his life but never managing to make it something that was economically Viable.

So a point I am looking at here is actually a question – Am I willing Live the required way needed to actually facilitate My Art being an Economically Viable point, or will I simply walk the path that my father walked in not really ever doing what was required to in turn his pursuits with music into something that supported him financially.

So I have been looking at this question for myself lately. Who will I have to be, meaning what will I have to walk to in fact make the point of with Art actually something that I can support myself with Financially. What will I have to give up about my lifestyle to make it work. Who will I have to become. What about my life right now is not supporting me within becoming/being/living the necessary way effectively facilitate actually having this point work. And am I living that or am I living in the Exact same pattern that has been laid out before me as the example given through my family structure which I already have an example of the outcome of that.

Ok so now going to continue where I left off with the fears from my last post…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and letting my mom down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the expectations of my Parents because I fear not living up to my own expectations.

I commit myself to realize that it is not about letting other people down or living up to other people’s expectations or even my own expectations. It is about looking at what I must Self Honesty Do Practically to make the point work and do that, and thus I commit myself to stop engaging with the Fear related to my own expectations or another’s expectations as that is the mind at work, and thus rather just stick to focusing on what I can do daily practically to make this point REAL in terms of moving the necessary practical physical points daily to ensure effective self movement on this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this endeavour failing even within me giving it my all, because then it will really be over, and I fear that moment, I fear that moment of this point with art really being over, I fear this because I have put so much into this point, and I don’t see any other point or way to in my life be fulfilled like the way I could with/if this point is successful, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear extensively having this point not work out and fail.

I can see that the “importance” I have placed on the success or failure of this point is an “importance” that I have created within my own mind, and thus the “Fear” I experience in relation to failing at this point is equal and one to the existence of the “importance” I have placed on it within my own mind. And so when and as I see myself going into “fear of failure” within this point, fearing that it won’t work, I stop and I breathe. I stop participating within the “Fear” I have generated/created in relation to this point in relation to failing at it, as I realize that this fear has been designed in and as my own Self Interest with regards to “what I want to live” and is not based on What is Practically Best For ALL, and so I stop participating with thus fuelling fears that is based on my own self interest as from a certain perspective it is not relevant what one do, and so thus I commit myself to remind myself daily I must be Fine with walking what ever must be walked to do what is best for all, and to assist and support myself to make this a Reality for myself as a Living Realization that I live Day to Day from the perspective that I must be able to walk away from what I am doing/living in a moment and have no reaction to the point, as I see, this reaction/inner movement, just as I see the “fear of failing in this point” is based on, is self interest. And so thus in aligning myself with what is best for all I commit myself to breathe and remain here within my daily life within the realization and understanding that I am HERE in support of what is best for all and thus must be able to Change my Life Course in a moment with no reaction, showing that I am not “tied into the point” from a self interested point of view, where I am thus able to Direct Myself as needed within the principle of what is best for all, and so thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to Align my Current Application of Doing Art with what is best for all to ensure that I do not slip into Self Interested Living in relation to this point but that it Remain a Practical Viable Point to walk within the context of what is best for all, otherwise to simply walk away. And also within this I commit myself to Challenge myself to Align this point so that it is in fact able to be a viable point where I no more accept and allow myself to pursue ART in a Self Interested way, but Re-Align my Starting Point within this Skill so that it in fact is a practically supportive point within the context of what is best for all, doing what I must to make it a practically viable point within the context of what is best for all, even if this is something that I have resistance to or claim “is not me” but that I simply take this point into consideration within the principle of what is best for all, leaving my self interested imaginations and fantasies and pictured projections out if it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that moment/point in my life where my potential as an Artist is over and done, which is the equivalent to my “spark of life” being over, and thus me no more being able to add or contribute anything to life and to humanity.

I commit myself to remind myself that my potential towards life has nothing to do with art, or my ability or skill as an artist. It has to to do with my daily living and who I am in this. Who I am in each and every moment within the question – Am I living / Directing Me in Self Honesty and Self Responsibility in a way that honour life which is possible to be done no matter where I am, or am I accepting and allowing myself to live in self dishonesty and dishonouring of life – Thus who I am as my potential contribution to Life exist in every moment HERE as who I am in each and every moment. It has nothing to do with art or succeeding or failing in Art.

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Andrew
Posts: 805
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:32

Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 06 Nov 2012, 07:06

You Can Only Ignore Something So Long Before it Bites You – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 180
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-180/



Today I talked to a government official on the phone in regards to a program that I have applied for. There is still some points about the program that are not through yet, and that if this program does not work out then my plan to set up the whole art point will change. I started to experience allot of anxiety today and “fear of this not working out” I experienced it like a “dark pit” inside me just above my stomach area, in the the front and back of my body. I was thinking “this is not going to work out” and “this is too good to be true” “This will never work out” I became quite possessed by this fear that something would go wrong and I would not qualify for the program that is essential in a way to walk the plan I have of setting up this art point/shop.

I see within this still an “attachment” to the plan I have laid out for myself. Instead of breathing and walking in breath and simply taking things day by day no matter what happens, and either way doing what needs to be done. There is like this nagging inside of me going “This isn’t going to work” “you are kidding yourself” “Don’t kid yourself” “you are lying to yourself” It is like the Character that Always fears the worst case scenario being the way things will play-out.

I experience myself as if I am doing something that I should not be doing. I experience myself as trying to cheat and just get my own way and have my piece of comfort. I fear the consequences I will have to face for the way that I am living/have lived. The consequences being the Equal and One Play Outs related to the relationships that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and so I Fear that I will be derailed by my own consequences, I fear that this point will not work out, its like I am driving on a track and am constantly looking ahead attempting to peer around the upcoming corner hoping that there isn’t something else coming the other way that I will collide with, and at the same time expecting this to happen. This is obviously indicating a lack of awareness in terms of the actual flow-out of my actions. Where I am existing in a form of hoping instead of deliberate direct actions knowing exactly the play-out that will occur, so that I do not have to keep trying to see “what’s coming” due to having no idea of “what’s coming to me” because I have not been HERE in every breath as I live my life therefore am not aware of the consequences as Direct Re-actions Equal and One to my Actions. So ultimately what I am looking at here is Self Deliberateness from the perspective of being sure of What I am Creating with my Daily Actions. And also Self Hereness from the perspective of ensuring that I am HERE as I direct myself within my day to be SURE and CERTAIN that I am creating myself/my world in a way that is PRACTICALY feasible within the Context of ensuring that I have my Base Support points in place, like for instance Money, Food, Job, Etc.
I find that there is this point of fear that comes up within me allot regarding the practical side of reality where I experience this fear that “I have forgotten something” that “I have missed some point somewhere” that is going to come out of the woodwork to bite me hard. And in this is haunting me.
So I have been ‘Haunted’ by this point today.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live fully here in Self Honesty in Full Awareness of my actions/non-actions as the way I live in every moment, and to in and as Full Self Awareness, Direct myself within and as Self Responsibility so that I do not have to always exist in fear and looking behind me for something “that I missed” to jump out and bit be, because within walking here I am not missing things but Directing Each Necessary Point – EVEN if this is a point that I have resistance to directing, or not wanting to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Sabotage myself within my life through allowing myself to take on a passive approach to Self Responsibility which is actually not Self Responsibility at all because Self Responsibility is based on Certainty, and I have accepted and allowed myself to make Passivity my foundation of Self Responsibility which is not effective, and that can be observed even in how I write where I will get half way through a word and then just kind of let the last half/portion of the word fly off my fingers but that it is not directed equally all the way through and thus I end up making mistakes and having funny looking words because I did not walk in Absolute Certainty within my Delivery of the point placing each point specifically where it goes, where this behaviour pattern of self also seep out into my life where there is aspects of my life where I allow to much room for error instead of Directing the point with Certainty, particularly within planning my life to be Practically Effective within the Money System based on Understanding that this is essential in assisting and supporting the bringing forth of an Equal Money System, which I ‘claim’ to support yet do not organize my life and self with absolute certainty and specificity but instead leaving to many black marks as uncertainties that may or may not come back to haunt be but the point being that I Have left the point “out of my hands” when I could have Directed the Point Specifically keeping the point within my Directive Reach. Like for instance I have not written down what I require to do each day but kind of just go “on the fly” and this seems to work alright but also considering that I could actually make my Life more concrete, more specific if I utilized writing to organize my daily tasks as a for instance.

I commit myself to organize myself and not just let things get buried under layers of mess and ignorance, where I allow such a thing to occur because I don’t actually want to deal with those points, but just want them to go away, but obviously that is not how the world functions at the moment and these types of things do not just go away, and so I commit myself to Organize my PRACTICAL side of my Life so to ensure this systematic part of my life is specifically organized instead of just only tending to this when I want and when I must, but rather I commit myself to Place this Aspect of my Life as My First and Foremost Priority and ensure that I am Doing What NEEDS to be done and not just what I want to do first then eventually getting to the “what needs to be done” stuff where by that time, sometimes its too late and I have already sabotaged myself/my life by not keeping on top of the “System Maintenance” so to speak.

I commit myself to Set Clear Parameters in terms of how I direct myself within the context of setting up my Art Point from the perspective of not accepting and allowing myself to just live out my pre-programmed artist Character that end up losing itself/myself in my art and not wanting to look at the world at all or taking care of my daily practical responsibilities because I am “lost in my art” and just want to do that, but here within the point of Considering Approaching this point again, I Set Very Clear parameters for myself where in these parameters include ALL of my Practical Responsibilities that are necessary for a functional Life within the System.

Ok that was a bit of a detour from what I had walked in my last blog in terms of walking the Self Corrections of The Fear Dimension of what I had laid out thus far as my “Artist Character” Where here tonight though I did open up an important aspect of “what I have accepted and allowed myself to live/exist as” within my life which pertain to this “Artist Character” that I have lived and that is “A Disregard for the practical side of things” What I realize/see here tonight is how I in essence create an environment of fear by accepting and allowing myself to ignore my responsibilities and put things off where I just keep suppressing what I must take care of but in doing this starting to wonder and fear about this stuff that I KNOW I have not been facing but continually putting off, and thus I end up creating myself into a fear like state once this whole application gets “out of hand” so to speak. And that I can effectively support myself within my life/application by Ensuring that I am giving Direction to all the NECESSARY points in the measures required instead of just giving attention to “what I want to” so to speak.

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Andrew
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Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 20:32

Re: Andrew's Journey To Life

Postby Andrew » 07 Nov 2012, 08:01

The "Isolated" Artist - An Artists Journey To Life: Day 181
http://anartistsjourneytolife.wordpress ... e-day-181/


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