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Eleonora
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Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Day 164: Here Comes The Dopey Bride - Character

Post by Eleonora »

So, in this journey that I am taking backward to delete All memories that still haunt me about my marriage, there is of course "The Wedding" as well and what happened just prior to it.
My husband to be had been moved to Asia and I found myself alone organizing the wedding while I was still working full time.
Until I worked somehow I could squeeze in the tasks required to make this wedding happen because as my boss used to say 'if you need something ask a busy person' which means that the ones that are not busy and have TIME are usually lazy and disorganized, a point that I am facing and have faced in Thailand when having a lot of TIME meant I got nothing done, and that I will walk in my future posts once I am done with my marriage posts.
My wedding was to take place on the 17th of January, on the same date we met one year earlier in LV, we saw this as romantic, and we saw it as well as defying fate, because the 17th is a 'bad luck' number but we were above and beyond bad luck.
This was the best time of my relationship with my husband, we were friends, I had my secret lover in Pot/Dope, my husband to be was away, I would get home all stressed up and worked up, smoke a joint and slip into the Lovely Girlfriend Character, a witty, understanding, lighthearted Character that was a pleasure to chat to, we would have long phone conversation and write to each other.
I loved writing, I got many nice and romantic letters from my husband to be, he would press flowers in them, send me pictures, one letter that he wrote was all 'I love yous' all over the page, I would have loved me too, the Lovely Girlfriend was one of my best interpretations and supporting Characters, not the Star of the Show, because the Lovely Girlfriend lives to support and boost a male's EGO and make him feel good about himself.

I coped with the stress all by myself and with Pot, mostly never complained about everything I had to do, embassies trips because marrying a foreigner that is not around to sign the papers is quite something on the bureaucracy ladder, I got the wedding rings made using a wire that my husband to be sent to me with the measure of his finger, bought him the wedding present, a watch, went looking for my dress, chose the restaurant with him over the phone too.
We picked a Brazilian restaurant, mainly because both of our families were declared psychopaths always fighting and rebuffing each other in some ways and we saw the opportunity to make them peaceful by making them drunk with Caipirinhas that would flow through the meal in place of wine, which would have taken much longer to inebriate everyone and grant us some peace.

A few events happened on the way to the wedding that caused much stress within me:

First, I was supposed to pack all my staff before the arrival of my husband to be and during the 17 days I had off work, during which I had only that left to do, pack and sell my car.
My boss unexpectedly left me home without notice on the 30th of December, I did not have the time to say goodbye to my colleagues with whom I worked for 7 years, this was a source of distress somehow that I could not work out, instead I could work out Why he did it, it was to avoid that everyone would waste a day in goodbyes and making a big fuss over it, somehow though I saw myself as entitled to the fuss and the half day wasted after 7 years of loyal work, plus the 31st December we would have worked only half day, he justified this as a 'present' for me so I had half day more to work on my staff, basically I felt booted out and that he was already over me.
My relationship with my ex boss had been everything within the 7 years together, he used to tell me he was like a father to me, which he wasn't of course, we got along great, had fun sharing a very similar sense of humor and we had fights too, I stood up for a Union demand for which he held a grudge to me for months as he expected me to side with him against the Union, but as he taught me himself, I would have to look after 'my interests' because he was not, could not, as that would have been an obvious Conflict of Interests for him, yet when I did stand up he felt betrayed.

The point that he stressed that he was like my father was not impressive to me, my father left when I was 3, he was absolutely the most unreliable man on the planet and so while he had looked for my Achilles's Heel and identified it in the lack of a father figure, he failed to see the whole picture, you could not miss a father like mine and you could not trust him either, after all when I was 15 and asked to go and live with him to move away from my mother's 'mental instability', he said 'NO'.
So, I left the company feeling dismissed not important, and already forgotten, my job together with Pot was one of my primary relationships through which I identified myself, when I was asked 'who are you' most of my life I replied with my job title, because apart from that really had no clue about 'who I was' more about 'what I did' seemed to define me than anything else.

So, back to getting ready for the wedding. Due -or maybe not- to exiting one of my primary relationships this way I went into a wobble, I would spend my days smoking pot and passing out and in the evenings I would perk up to wear 'The Lovely Girlfriend' Character suit and entertain my husband to be. The split between these 2 characters became both the fuel and the reason why for 17 days I did nothing else but smoke Pot, I just couldn't stop and on a loop of self hatred the more I did it the more disgusted with myself I was and ooops back on the loop.
The result was that when 17 days later my husband to be arrived and I went to pick him up -funny I can't remember where, train or plane?- I had packed one meagre box only. At the time I was more open with him, told him I went through this period, he told me not to worry, when we would move to Asia where I wouldn't be able to smoke anymore I would sort myself out, on that point he was wrong, will walk the rest of the marriage in my 'The Wife' Character.
Went home with him and basically packed all my stuff, this is something that stayed throughout our relationship that I really loved, 2 things, he would fill in my immigration cards on planes and asked me to leave my stuff on the bed and he would pack my suitcase for me. very early in our marriage he used to squeeze toothpaste on my toothbrush when he did his own, his way of caring was practical, he was not a man of many words, or empty 'I love yous' another episode that comes to mind is when he once left for a business trip and he turned his cushion vertically in the bed so I could hug the cushion when he was away, this happened in a moment were things were going quite smoothly between us and I took it as a sign that 'he liked me again' and gave me some solace from the doubts that ate me up about him having regretted marrying me, this was already post cheating.

Of course the point that he helped me pack -basically packed for me- was a double edged sword, because as I felt grateful, I felt inept at the same time and while a part of me looked forward at a chance to move abroad and give up my Dopy life, one part was terrified.

SO, off we went to the wedding, I had found my father was in Milan and invited him, THIS was a huge point of destabilization within my family unit, as my step-grandfather lost his chance to take me to 'the altar' -even though we had a Civil wedding-, plus the photographer who didn't have a clue kept asking me to take pictures with my father, cutting my step-grandfather, the father figure of my life, out of the picture, literally.
So, tensions mounted at the wedding, I had chosen a white skirt suit with a jacket, somewhere in this house just one picture survived of my wedding, when I separated my grandmother didn't comment, she stuck the picture upside down in a drawer and that would be the end of it, life goes on
My ex husband liked my business attires and since it was a civil wedding this white skirt suite seemed appropriate and he liked it a lot. We invited nobody apart from family, as we knew we would already have to dodge bullets with 12 people of that calibre of insanity, only his mother was present on his family side because he decided that he did not want his uncles and aunties which would have come with children and grandchildren numbering over the 100, his father was asked on a too short notice and didn't make it.
So, while everybody pretended to be happy as it is demanded on a wedding day, the energies that were moving within this day were toxic to say the least, my husband hated taking pictures, my mother, cried all day "quietly" hating my father and his attempt to tell everyone how Caipirinhas are REALLY drunk in Brazil, were he lived for a few years, my mother in Law, hated me as the source of not having her family there even though my husband told her it was his decision but she told me 'she didn't believe it', my step-grandfather hated my father for his 'jack in the box ' appearance that stole his show, my grandmother was worried about my step-grandfather because she would have to bear bad moods to be dealt with afterwards PLUS, something happened at the wedding table, apparently my grandmother pushed my mother out of the way to sit in the 'mother of the bride ' seat, which means next to us, I was not sure of the sitting etiquette, I told my mum to sit head of the table but to her she perceived herself as having been left out, pushed over and overshadowed by her own mother, once again, the day her daughter got married, a day SHE was entitled to be in the SpotLight as The Mother of the Bride and having to sit next to the 'devilmaycare' character of my father, who was possibly the last person she would have wanted there to see this moment of defeat and humiliation.

There were 2 friends of mine, both of which have now disappeared, we had told the staff to keep the drinks coming, by the second drink the table started to settle, the hatred turned into laughter, nobody was sober enough to hold on staunchly to their Characters, my best male friend had rolled a joint and I went down to smoke before or immediately after the dessert, I was a bit afraid to mix drinks and pot but by then my anxiety level was such that it didn't affect me, it gave me a moment of breath as I watched this day come to an end and remembering that the next day I was leaving for good to Asia I thought:
"I'm so out of here".


Self forgiveness to follow tomorrow
Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Day 165: Deleting the Dopey Bride in Me

Post by Eleonora »

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt for the way I was asked to leave my job after 7 years, because I felt devalued, diminished and not important, while I had invested much of my value in my position within my company as a way to define myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move into the experience of self pity for not having been 'treasured' and recognized as valuable within the workplace up to my last day of work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad because my ex boss didn't attend my engagement reception due to clashes he had with some staff that would be present, and since he always stated that he was like my father, for feeling dismissed, devalued and abandoned again by ''a father figure'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious and under pressure to deliver the perfect 'wedding experience' so that my husband to be would be proud of me and would think he made the right choice

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I invited my father to the wedding, feel guilty when I realized many were not happy about it and namely my stepgrandfather and my mother, even if both of them said nothing about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'the wedding day is a woman's most important day in her life' because mine wasn't, was just another tragic day of tension and lies trying to keep it all together which reinforced the idea that I was not 'normal' because I could not achieve the experience of the most important day of my life as I should have according to the books

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and desire the perfect wedding as a way to prove that I was 'normal' and well settled amidst the craziness of my family, and that included having my father there

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I was not 'normal' as I couldn't find any sense in this life experience and I feared that what was clearly going on in the Minds of my family would have soon or later surfaced in me by design, by genetics and that I could not escape my fate of 'crazy' and that there was no cure for this craziness as I saw my mother looking and seeking everywhere within groups and therapies, knowing like me that she 'was not well' and yet nothing worked, noone had solutions so far to the 'Mind' and it was shameful to talk about 'not being Sane' and so the world was insane but not talking about it, and I lived bracing myself waiting for the crazy genes to kick in and drag me around the rest of my life in which I believed I would have no control, just like my mum, not seeing and realizing that I was the one making myself insane through my participation in and as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that noone was in control of their Minds and that I would not be the exception to the rule but just the rule, the norm of insanity and for vowing to not have children because I did not understand how this dis-ease is passed on from one generation to the next, but I had the faulty genes, I could feel them, sense them through the kind of thoughts that crossed my mind unchecked as I retreated in a corner of myself just hoping they would go away, telling myself 'you are not normal' whatever 'normal was' which I was never sure about but I was not, and as such I gave up my right to have children believing that 'faulty genes' like mine should end with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had faulty genes and that I was not normal as in 'crazy' as in insane

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up myself into such a state of anxiety that I saw in pot the only solution to keep everything under control and to suppress the experience of myself I was having as full of fear and doubts about moving on from my old life into a new life, in which I would have to leave my 2 primary relationships behind, my job and pot

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have 'wedding pictures' because I feared that if I had children and I would not have wedding pictures to show off they would see me as 'not normal' and I feared being 'not normal' in the way I had defined myself which is borderline crazy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself because I spent 17 days smoking pot on a self destructive loop from which I was unwilling to get off to sort myself out and take responsibility for the way I perceived myself, because I didn't have the tools to do so and noone else in my family had found tools even though like in my mum's case, she had been seeking all her life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my family for the way I experienced myself as 'borderline crazy' having to manage and juggle all the family's secrets trying to not upset anyone while I always tried to be on everyone's good books in fear that if I ever was in need my family would not back me up otherwise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when I had to tell my ex husband to be that I had not packed anything because I spent 17 days smoking myself silly and fearing that he would be afraid to marry me after coming clean about being addicted to pot as he would see the signs of my imbalance and for then feeling guilty because he missed out on this very important clue I had given him, saying that 'all would be well once we moved on to a country that would not allow me to smoke' and fearing it would not be so

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who would I have been without Pot to suppress the way I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek 'normality' through marriage as a way to comply to what was expected from me by the age of 30, even though I was not sure that I did want to get married or that I could get married to anyone due to how imbalanced I perceived myself and to the load of shame I carried about my secret pot smoking life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the wedding as a moment in which one of our family members would let loose, and the risk was higher on my side due to the presence numbers of many vs just one on my husband to be side and for thinking 'let's hope everyone behaves' meaning, no one shows what my family is really about, in their cruel remarks and attitudes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was marrying someone that was so much better than me in stability and in heart and for feeling inferior to my ex husband to be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when we were asked if we should have joint communion of assets, to say yes, even though I was the only one having anything at the moment, which was a small apartment in Milan, both as a way to bring some value to the table that I did not perceive I had and for thinking 'it's a show of good will and then everything we'll make will be mine too' and for within this feeling ashamed for having had this thought calculating my odds and then feeling dirty and dishonest and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy that I could leave my name behind and take my husband's surname as if I could leave behind 'who I was, what I had been and what I had accepted and allowed within and as myself' and start fresh, new, even though I felt uncomfortable because I switched from an easy surname to a complicated double one that was hard to pronounce, just like my first name

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy and worthy that someone wanted to 'give me their surname, share it with me' deluding myself that that meant I was now in a family of my own, dropping mine behind and moving on, instead of seeing and realizing nothing can be left behind as we participated within and as it, but has to be deleted through taking responsibility for it first and then through SF and self corrective application

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my name or surname defined me and who I am, instead of seeing and realizing I am only defined by a name until am not anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when we were taking pictures, manipulate my ex husband to take more than he wanted because I wanted the big album for the children to come and to prove my 'normality' even though he showed and said he was uncomfortable with it and with some of the 'textbook' poses they asked us to interpret

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a picture in my mind, of my wedding in black and white, in which I stood and my husband to be bent over me to whisper something in my ear, as a moment of complicity and intimacy we shared that was never there during our marriage or in the years to come, using this picture to remind myself what I had lost and for punishing myself reminding myself what it could have been had I not been such a bitch

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had lost something, missed something such as the intimacy with my husband, which was in fact never there, because we both role played before marriage, I was into the 'Lovely Girlfriend' Character and he was into the 'Loving Fiancee' Character, none of which were real, but just Characters we used to interact with each other and project our best imaginary features to lure the other into a lifelong relationship, because I could only marry a mirror of myself and so as I believed to not be good enough, so did he, which was way we were so besotted with each other as the other reflected the lies that 'we were good enough' and yet nothing really changed for this for me or him and we carried out 'not good enough-ness' all the way through the marriage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bitch and for refusing to give myself support through intimacy because I was too disgusted with myself and believed I had to be punished and not supported back to sanity beyond any judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel relief when we were finally married, as if I had bagged this fool, because only a fool could marry me as I accepted and believed I was not good enough for anyone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as soon as we reached the restaurant, desire to drink, to suppress my experience of myself and the anxiety because the day was not over yet and I would have to sit with my family and their energy games and make it through this meal, holding everything together, hoping that when everyone would be drunk, peace would come for all and especially for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict with my family and especially to fear public conflict with my family, because I was perfectly capable to fight back and be as mean and as cruel, I just didn't want this to happen in front of witnesses but keep it secretly hidden among us, as we had already spoilt in my perception any chance for the redemption of our relationships but it was a 'family business' never to be exposed to the "outside world' to which we gave an 'impression' of quirkiness and eccentricity which were 'positive attributes' and not of the raging madness that would have to be suppressed and made over to protect the family from outside judgements

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I was a teenager, feel , perceive and then believe, that I had been damaged by my family because I always perceived myself less than when I was alone in their presence, and for blaming them for the experience of myself as the source of my discomfort, failing to see nobody could ever have been the source of my discomfort but me because every experience I had was always self generated and no one else but me was at all times responsible for it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to get drunk and stoned so as to not have to face the experience of me as 'negative' and for boarding the 'positive thinking crap boat' when I met them as a way to finally feel good about myself, failing to see that I was adding veils of deception to the original negative experience of myself just because I could not explain it or make sense of it as we are not taught how to deal with our Mind and our emotions and feelings and how our participation in and as The Mind builds up into energetic charges for which we need to take self responsibility but not self blame, because blame is NOT in fact self responsibility but a last attempt to not become responsible by 'taking the blame' as that being good enough INSTEAD of self corrective action

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be 'Out of Here' at the time meaning 'Out of Italy and the mess I created for myself' hoping to leave everything behind, blaming everyone around me for my experience of myself which, not only I took with me when I moved abroad, but within the belief that I 'had left something behind in this shitty country' when I came back I re experienced myself exactly where I left off, alone, disheartened, useless and worthless and for this I really wholeheartedly FORGIVE MySelf

I commit myself to stand as Self support of myself as I walk myself out of all the Self Abuse I have participated in and as The Mind to stop my existence as a point of Abuse and crime against Life inward and outward for myself and All of Existence, Equal and One
Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Day 166: It's not THIS it's THAT! Starting Point

Post by Eleonora »

I just went for a walk and had a realization while listening at the Life Review about Codependency.
Since when I left Italy I was engaged in 2 main relationships that were suddenly severed, pot and my job as a definition of myself, the 2 polarities of my existence and I did not sort them out but just dragged the along severed with myself to Asia, what happened next was that I tried to reconnect both these polarities within one relationship, the one with my husband, to find a definition for myself that I could live with/for, The Wife.
Obviosly trying to reconnect two loose threads into one relationship was bound to create short-circuits, which it did, and to make me perceive that "I had given up my life for him' within the context of my own definitions of myself that I could no longer live through.
This is why e seemed SO IMPORTANT, while it was never about HIM or the fact that we were the perfect match made in Heaven/Hell it was just me attempting to plug into something to leech some Life out for myself
This became clearer when he sent a message to me today asking to send my phone number and I had again a bunch of reactions and backchat
here they go:

Why didn't he call me on the 6th to tell me we were meeting on the 8th? -I am not important
Why didn't he put my name/nickname in the message but wrote it so informal - I am worthless, he is probably seeing me just out of good manners
Why didn't he reply to me immediately when I wrote the numbers explaining as I asked what he would like to do and where we should meet? - This is disrespectful I should be given time to enter the 'right frame of mind/personality/Character' for the occasion, so I can be on my best behaviour
Why do I always fall for this instead of telling him to just fuck off ? - because I'm seeking his approval and to prove that I have changed and what a loss it was to not stick to me

I should go to the GYM and steam and have a sauna until I slim down 5 kg, I'm so fat, he will think he was lucky to drop me before this happened 'under his watch'
I shouldn't meet him, I am a mess
Why did I say yes in the first place, this will never stop bothering me, it is my lifelong curse, I'll never solve this, I am back into all of my old patterns, I am hopeless

He will be so glad to see I am so out of shape, I am ashamed of myself
It's all his fault, he keeps coming back into my life what for, why doesn't he leave me alone?


On with the SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my husband to my severed relationships as a way to sustain myself within some sort of definition that gave me a sense that I was alive and not dead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that what I experienced was never the relationship with my husband but my attempt to reconnect the severed threads of my main relationships as definitions of myself I used to function and feel I was in fact 'alive' through generating positive rewards within my job relationship and negative feedback through my relationship with Pot, both of which I used to generate extensive amount of energy and that somehow balanced themselves out, until I plugged both into my ex husband and we short-circuited due to the amount of attention and feedback that I required to keep those scripts going satisfactorily

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the key was my husband and that he had to change for me to change my experience of myself and not myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage the same old backchat due to the point of not in fact having unplugged from this relationship as the source of the definition of myself as worthy/unworthy, important/not important, valuable/ not valuable and appreciated/not appreciated and for still running the same script over and over failing to see that I was the solution to this point if and when I would stop using this relationship to define myself within negative and positive polarities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I feared the judgement of my ex husband instead of seeing and realizing I feared the judgement of myself in relation to how I experienced myself when connecting to my husband/ex husband as the owner of the script that run my life when in fact I was always the owner of the script and I could rewrite it anytime realigning myself to what is best for all as what is best for me, which is to stop projecting and blaming him for how I experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in the thoughts 'he doesn't respect me, here we go again, why can't he do what I ask him, why can't he give me a plan', making him responsible for the anxiety and the self judgement I felt as the result of reconnecting to the past and how I experienced myself when around him, which was never about him, but always about myself and my own self judgement relative to my relationship to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to step into self pity within the though 'he doesn't respect me' just because he did not comply to do what I asked him to do, which was not within a specified timeframe, but that I deliberately asked from the starting point of fear that I won't have enough time to rehearse the part I wish to play and what I wish to share and how to give 'an impression ' of me that he may find attractive as I still ride the horse of 'give me your approval and appreciation so I can value myself' and so I STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that he will think or comment 'you are so fat and ugly' when in fact this is my own judgement of myself even though in self honesty I did not see all this ugliness I should see in me just because I have put on some weight, and that ugliness in connection to not being slim is a system judgement with a negative polarity so women will always be pushed toward specific body types to satisfy their internal accepted images of what is acceptable and what is not and yet as I have walked this process to stop my self judgement I saw that I no longer react as 'negatively 'as I used to to the idea of being overweight and within this just meaning a little overweight for my comfort, a point I can always correct by stopping the FEAR of being overweight and just walking my realignment with food as I have done for many other points already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when he did not comply to my request to let me know tonight how and where would we meet, to feel irritation and participate in the backchat 'always the same story, he has no respect, why don't I tell him to just fuck off, why did I even say 'yes in the first place, I remember I said 'yes' because my buddy said there were no good reasons not to, but she doesn't know the story, there are plenty of reasons because I knew he would keep me hanging here and now I have to wait for his call, no I don't have to wait, even better, I won't answer the phone and then will tell him'I thought you had other stuff to do or you would have replied to my message yesterday -hint hint' so I can blame him for not seeing each other because I am not at his beck and call...' STOOOOOOP, Breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the experience of worthlessness, feeling used and abused when in fact all this is clearly only happening in my mind as I both, on one hand, anticipate how unpleasant it will be to see each other and how much will have to hold back the desire to joke and poke to underline that, as usual, he was so fucking rude, and on the other hand I run the past tapes of all the unpleasant awkward moments we spent together with nothing to say to each other as we had already consummated all words with all possible hidden meanings and charges within our energetic wars just so one of us could win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to swing from the past to the future deliberately avoiding to realize that both ways I am not Here, which means I am in my Mind, lost within energetic Games as I prepare for Battle within the imaginary battlefields in my Mind, having already decided I have been attacked and so moving on the offensive, seeking what can I do that is spiteful enough to return him the same unpleasant experience I am going through and for which I wish to blame him because I don't want to take responsibility for it, because I was just FIIINEE before he called and then I have been writing for a week just so we could have some time in peace, and so I perceive myself, once again, already having put in a LOT of work while he did fuck all and we are back to the very origin, all the way to the wedding rings that took me time to make just so he could discard his one week after the wedding because he has no respect and I am all set to make him pay for it, and for all this participation in thoughts and backchat I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel pathetic as I write out all the garbage I have filled my head with, seeing, realizing and understanding that what I have always done within this relationship and others, is to beat myself up and when I fluff up like egg white into stiff peaks, then I have to move because I have worked myself up and then have to work myself down, until I deflate spending copious amount of energy that doesn't come for free, but that instead I have to mine out of my body to keep this freak show going for Nobody's entertainment because no one is having a ball here, which shows that there is nothing good offered by the Mind into time loops back or forth within the same old dynamics and tirades and that I better STOP whenever I begin to walk these old familiar patterns and breathe and breathe until I deflate myself and my stiff peaks, so as to not project onto others my own dementia seeking to be right, no matter what price I have to pay

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my ex husband because 'he always wants to do things his way, like calling at the last minute without giving me the time to sort myself out and get organized' when in fact it is me who is having this tantrum precisely for this reason, because I want things done My Way, and My Way was to be notified with ample advance to allow my rehearsal of the roles I decide to play and not be left with a closet full of costumes without knowing what to wear, having already a limited choice because some of my costumes don't fit anymore at the moment which means I should have been given EXTRA time to make my best appearance instead of being kept on a short notice and leash to comply with something as absurd as spontaneity and simplicity of someone calling and saying 'hei are you up for a coffee' and me just saying 'yes', LOL

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Respect means to be notified in advance, which in fact doesn't as this is an opinion of respect meaning of what society requires people to do confining everybody within words as jail for restricted movements and that Politeness is on the same book, as we use the Politeness Flag to demand what we want for our own self interest parading Politeness as Society Requirement to back up what we can see is only an opinion but one that we wish to use and abuse in full so as to be right and entitled and not leave any space for another person to say 'I see more common sense in doing it this way, let's find an agreement' while by branding an action as Rude and Disrespectful no agreement is required as it is The Winner Takes it All Jack of All trades, you lost I won

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get suck into a time loop of my own creation with my ex husband, in which I am still squaring the imaginary books of my marriage, from which 10 years have passed and yet not even the point that I have been abusing myself and others with this timeloop for 10 years over the 7 have been married, has been enough to highlight the absurdity of it all and how I really have to commit to let all of this go, as it is clearly not good for me, not good for my ex husband and ultimately not what is best for all as we embody the friction among the 2 genders in a senseless battle for supremacy and colonization

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I move into these ridiculous stances, to not register the tightening at my solar plexus and the fact that I don't breathe properly because I am too busy seeking ways to be right so I can prove that I have not been wrong all these years, instead of checking my physical stance, breathe, stop my participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings and release the built up energy which is not serving what is best for me or what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if someone doesn't call me or behaves 'according to my instructions' I have to take it personally, feel offended, instead of stopping projecting myself into my mind looking for reasons and making up stories about why it is that it is OBVIOUS that THEY want to upset me as I see realize and understand I am just making all this up as I have been proved today when my ex husband said 'I didn't get your message and it was really hard to get your phone number' DUUUHHH?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my ex husband said he didn't call because he didn't get my message and could not find my phone number, to move into a positive experience of relief as if THAT was important, as if what happens outside is in fact in charge of the way I experience myself instead of me being the directive principle of me stable Here in and as breath at any given moment

I commit myself to investigate all points that are still dangling in the air about this relationship until when I relate to my ex Husband by phone or mail nothing moves inside me to prove I have effectively released myself and equalized this relationship by taking responsibility for the way I experience myself in any given moment.
Eleonora
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Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Re: Day 167: The Wife - Part 1 - Character

Post by Eleonora »

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within a certain age women must be married or 'there is something wrong with them'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that after a certain age all good men are taken and since I passed 'that age' which would have been my late 20s by when got married and so did my husband, he must have been 'no good' or have something wrong with him or someone would have picked him already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that once I would be married I would feel safer and when I didn't feel safer to question myself and my choice because it did not deliver the experience I believed 'a good marriage' should deliver

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I did not move into the positive experience I expected from marriage of safety and appreciation to blame my husband and to think 'I made a fucking mistake and now I am stuck'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had to marry within a certain age because 'beauty fades' and within this living a constant state of anxiety about when my beauty would fade and I would be dumped

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, even though I tried to resist, move into the same feeling that due to the fact that I am not 'system beautiful' as in skinny, I had to make up, to make up for what I was not and should have been for the meeting with my ex husband last night

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell him 'don't make remarks about the fact that I plumped up' in fear that he would and I would react uncovering the point that I do care about the way I look, I am just suppressing it and denying it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself enough time to spend with my husband to be before committing to a relationship, but to base my marriage on physical attraction, the realization that much time had gone by and it was 'time for me to settle down' in fear I would end up alone for the rest of my life, and for once married thinking "I should have known him better before committing myself to this' and then living in fear that he thought likewise about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is a good reason to get married so one will stop fearing being alone, which did not happen as in fact I ended up way more alone in Asia then I was in Italy prior to my marriage, s I could have faced this point, instead I blamed my husband for my 'aloneness'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my husband for my aloneness instead of realizing I was the one missing from my relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up thoughts in my secret Mind against my husband that would regularly end in blow ups that I needed to release the energy I accumulated and the friction I created within myself during which I allowed myself to be totally possessed and say things I regretted saying, and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, while I was married, go to an astrologer and get our Birth Charts, with the intent to prove that we were wrong for each other, and during this reading the astrologer said that my husband was very visual and that he would have never tolerated if I had put on weight or become ugly because he liked beauty and wanted an attractive woman next to him, which spinned my perception of the 'need to be beautiful and the fear to be dumped for not being up to speed' even further within me, which made me seek my husband positive feedback that he thought was giving me every evening when he would walk in and say 'Ciao bella' but that in fact did nothing for me because Bella was my grandfather's dog name and not anything even close to what I wanted to hear spoken that would reassure me that I was in fact OK and not in danger of being dumped and forgotten

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in fear of putting on weight and become ugly and for this no longer be able to keep my husband as I had in the past put on weight, and before I got married and introduced my husband to be to a close friend and my friend wanted to tell him for a laugh that when he met me I was fat, I gestured to him behind my husband back to cut it out, because I feared that if he was told that I had been fat once in my life prior to meeting him, he would fear that I could be fat again and not want to marry me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being overweight with shame and guilt for being unable to control myself and fear the judgement of others of myself as a sob when in fact I judged myself as a slob and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I was married, fear what my husband wold wear, as in ridiculous color matching or unflattering clothes hat I perceived would diminish my 'good taste ' by association and for nagging him about not wearing short jeans in a tropical weather because I did not like the way they looked and made him look 'boyish' while I wanted a MAN next to me, and a man doesn't wear short trousers, because those are for BOYS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that due to the fact that my husband had a boyish appearance, people would think I was older than him in the best case or that I was silly for marrying a boy and not a man and for feeling ashamed once when a lady asked me if he was my son on a day when he wore short trousers and a cap front back and I felt s much irritation that I suppressed because he became angrier than me and I thought 'told you' and got more satisfaction from this thought than at the prospect to admit to my unreasonable shame and deal with it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the perfect husband is older and taller and that if it is not I made a wrong choice, and taller he was, older too but he looked boyish and this always put me in a state of stress because he did not fit the picture perfect presentation of the man I should have had next to me, a man, not a fucking BOY

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I moved to Asia and entered this despicable Wife role, to try and sum up in my memory all the things I had imprinted myself with about 'what a good wife is' which started with cooking good food, not like my mother who was a shit cook and my grandmother often said 'she had not been able to keep a man' so I would NOT be like my mother and would keep my man and set out to be the Stepford wife of the movies a role I despised and for which I blamed my husband because had he not taken me to Asia I could have stuck to my 2 well rehearsed roles, the addict at night and the professional during the day, instead I felt forced to embody this one role that I had to patchwork from memories, movies and magazine, and that I was never sure to be in fact playing at its best because I lacked the full range of 'WiFy' references for this role, and the pieces I patchworked together were not seamless, but seamfull and I found this disturbing and stressful and instead of investigating why I was playing this Character I just saw it as part of what I had to do in my new Job, The Wife, because anything that pays you for a living is in fact a JOB, and yet I did not like my Employer, his feedback, his instructions were always vague and I could not used them as guidelines and so I resented both job and employer/husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent my husband for how I experienced myself within my marriage, thinking and believing that since I did not feel that way before marriage, it was clearly undeniably his fault, instead of seeing and realizing I didn't experience myself in any way, because during the day I was role playing and at night I would pass out and so the truth is that I just took with me who I was that I had never explored before and having to face this vile creature was unpleasant and it was easier to blame him than taking responsibility for myself and the way I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make jokes to underline how lucky He was in marriage and how unlucky I was in marriage to cover up my fear of the opposite and my fear that he thought exactly that about me and so I would fish for information looking for his replies as a feedback of some sort that I could use to pacify myself and tell myself he did believe it to be lucky and for a while I was safe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately delete all the good memories of my relationship because they were inconsistent with the role I had chosen for myself as The Neglected wife and for comparing myself to An Orchid, meaning saying and thinking that this is what my husband would have liked me to be, an orchid that needs little water and no fussing about, while I saw myself in truth like a Rose, all perfume to cover up the stench of the manure and Ox blood they feed off and thrive on, and full of thorns

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself while I spent my days alone, to build myself up with thoughts and backchat about my ex husband 'wrongdoings' and for then whenever he crossed the door put up this face of disappointment and this became such a routine that my husband when we were separated brought this up to tell me how I always put off his pleasure to come home and tears welled up in his eyes as he told me that he was always so happy to come home because he would never carry a grudge, until he did, but then every evening he had to face a new story that I would have concocted during the day, until he dreaded coming home and while I looked at his eyes swell up with tears I felt much much shame that I suppressed while I looked for reasons to prove that I had been right dishing out all that shit and spoiling every chance we had to build intimacy and proper communication and that even when I experienced shame every time I did that I could not stop because I was never breathing since I met Desteni but lost in toxic mind trips that I asked others to pay for

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was One and Equal to my shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always threaten to leave, even though I was aware that this created a point of fear in my relationship on my husband side, but I fed off that fear as the positive feedback that showed me that I was important, valuable and that he wanted me around, because I lived in the fear that he did not and I have a memory of the first time I packed and he locked himself in the bathroom and cried so loud that I felt like such a shit that instead of stopping this behavior forever, take a walk before opening my mouth, I felt empowered until I made this my tool of choice regardless of the fact that I saw it was distressing to him, until it was no more and I feared that when I would say 'I am leaving' one day he would reply 'and good riddance' and the more I feared this point, the more I pushed the 'I'm leaving point' to check what was going on in his secret mind so I could put my fears of not being wanted to rest and get some fuel to go for another few months

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build my strength on the weaknesses and sorrows of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drag myself around the house for the first 6 months of marriage, dreaming to go back to my old job and my old life, telling my husband I want to go home so he would reply to me "this is Your Home now' and that would make me cry and give me pleasure at the same time, as I went on paying my dual negative positive relationship I had plugged into him from my previous life, for fearing that we were not a Family because we did not have children and families like my mother in Law said to me speaking aloud my own fears are made of 'father, mother and children', and so I was homeless and familyless and basically use-less

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and believe that I was useless because I did not 'earn my keep' and that I was a weight to carry within my relationship and that for this my husband regretted having married me



To be continued
Eleonora
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Re: Eleonora's Journey to Life

Post by Eleonora »

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Day 168: Born Corrupted - Character


So, something opened up and I need to address this point by taking a break from my Marriage Walk.

The point of Money.

We are probably not aware about How deep the Money Rabitt Hole goes, we don't want to be aware because if we did we would have to turn back a few steps and swallow some of the words we have spoken about others and this system regarding the unimportant role Money plays in everyone's, everyday life and our own corruption and corruptibility.

So, within 48 hours I have been offered Money twice, once from a guy I don't know and once from my ex husband to start a project for which he would take a share if I accepted.

What I have noticed in both instances has been the anticipation when the words 'I can give you Money' were spoken in two different contest, something similar to the Pavlov effect and the salivation, I went into salivation. Not only, I had a shift, I actually saw myself morph into the 'Corruptible' Character, which is a canny persona that comes with a calculator and a whole truckload of well rehearsed excuses on how from there onward, it is imperative to weight my words on the Money scale before expressing myself and How I am going to present whatever it is that could bring me money in the best possible light, it's just 'Normal', it's the way we do things, what's wrong with that? I became 'nicer' after both offered/promised me money, but wouldn't that too be normal, I mean they were so nice, kind, considerate (wink wink), I am going to return the favor and be nice, agreeing with what they say, turn down the 'standing firm' a notch, will make them feel good about themselves, I KNOW how to play this game, TRUST ME.

The result was that I then felt shame and guilt, at first I thought it was because I had a secret desire in both cases that you never know, something was there for me to grab, but this is not the point of shame and guilt, that was because I morphed and left the building, leaving the stage to my Corruptible Character and so I experienced myself as having given up on me for Money, for the rush and that moment of projections and fantasies in which I saw myself all settled and buckled up, having my nest to feel safe and not have to live in constant worry which I have to say, it's just another habit because at the moment I do have enough to survive, I don't yet have enough to repay my debts or start a business, yes if I had that money it would be better, but I can build up to earning again, I just have to shake off this loser suite and get moving. So the shame for shifting and leaving myself behind, the guilt because this would be the easy route out, the Money route, the Energy route, when I get that positive 'all is well' feeling that can only be determined by Money, or so I accepted and allowed myself to believe, because I had it, lived it and there is nothing so far that has kept me safe and warm like a Money blanket that guarantees that I have enough for my future.

Interesting that when I had the Money I would preach that Money is NOT necessary, you need LOVE (pfff) and good thoughts and then the Money comes to you, the Universe is always looking after us, in total denial that without Money I would not have been able to lead the life I led, not even close, and that preaching that Money is NOT important and we can do without it in THIS World, is just our attempt to disengage from Money and Materialism but guess what, here we are, smack in the Middle of it, As it.

So, basically, what I want to say to myself is 'fuck off' for all the beliefs I held in disconnection from reality regarding Money, but I want to extend the same 'fuck off' to all the others, who insist on denying that whatever they are living is Thanks to Money, if they have a roof over their head, food on the table, access to internet (some claim to not pay that, they must own the communication company or have bought a satellite or whatever they did originally to Not pay it, and it involved Money), access to a computer, to an education, to healthcare, to transport and to the privately owned world resources, this unfortunately in many countries includes water, YOU NEED MONEY and that denying this is just a way to separate ourselves into 'I'm above it all, I left it all behind' and yet we leave the whole world behind with that, it's not that unplugging from the system makes the system deflate or shows the way to others, NO, because the unplugged ones have the resources to unplug from the system -yes that are bought with Money- and so while preaching that Life with No Money is possible and denying the point of Money in the world because we can convince people that 'they don't need it', 'come on, it's just a tool for evaluation, what? They won't give you food and water? Tell them, money is NOT important, it's not REAL, you can live without, try harder, you haven't put your all into it, it's clear, look at me I live without, don't I? yes of course I own my house, my land, my well, my solar panels, my satellite, my computer, but so what? YOU don't Need these things!!!!!!!!! '

'Don't be swayed by the Money delusion, the point is that we were born in a world where resources are owned, this is the truth. Money is not the problem, beLIEve me, what? You say they don't give you access to the water system, there is the SEA it's free for ALL, get one of these desalinating implants, you just have to invest once, oh don't tell me this Money story again, keep Gd in your heart, this life it's a test, we are just moving through, we are insignificant, Heaven is waiting, and for the money, if you insist, a bank will lend it to you, try the microcredit, they lend to anyone, or loan sharks, they too don't need your credit rate, after that you will see, you have access to water, OK you live far from the SEA, what about the sewage system, now there are chemicals you can put in ANY water and it's drinkable again, yes they cost money but not too much, come on, don't focus on the money all the time, there is plenty of bridges offering FREE accommodation from harsh weather, you can knit for yourself some jumpers and blankets with grass, it's free, knitting classes are free, or get down to some charity, rich people change their clothes at every season, even more, every MONTH, some will only wear something once, you get virtually NEW stuff if you go to the Salvation Army places, you'll find something that fits, if you live in the city get a list of the shelters, I mean there is SO MUCH you can do without Money, BE CRE-A-TIVE, this is my tip'

And for the other side that has intellectualized why they have a right to their Money because they worked hard for it, I just want to say NO YOU DIDNT, 'WE DIDN'T', the people I talk to are/were all white collars, we spent at best long hours at well light up air-conditioned/heated offices for which we were royally rewarded, we had an expense account, paid accommodation and transport, so just to be particular, working hard is what they do in China a menial, killer job that repeats into infinity, standing for hours until the veins in the legs pop and your feet swell to elephant size, being timed for how fast and how many pieces you can do in 1 hour, or, hard working is in a mine, in the dark with little air for most of your life for a tuppence, or nothing at all as in the case of slaves and /or children that just get food and a place to sleep, and when you go on strike they shoot your friends and then incriminate you for disturbance of public order as it just happened in South Africa, or prostitution with men you would never want to have sex with, that beat you up, pay you extra money for a condom free fuck, that you can't refuse because you have the rent to pay, your children school, you can't read or write and will never have access to the Money system unless you allow it to fuck you, literally, so, the jobs that should be paid the most are the ones WE wouldn't want to do, instead this world is upside down, it rewards the ability to learn skills to fuck with each other, to move imaginary assets called MONEY around the world on the Money grapevine, to falsify accountancy books to pay less taxes, -that will be paid by the ones at the bottom of the pyramid, that's WHY they are there at all-, have what we call in Italy 'Creative Accountancy' -which is LEGAL- to show less profit to the workers to reduce their meagre wages, open off shore companies to make Money disappear like Houdini, and yet we justify WHY some have a right to a better life than others and why 'Making Money is our Duty' embracing the ideal of the trickle down effect that doesn't trickle anywhere because as one goes up, everything does too, desires, costs of living, costs of maintaining an expensive Persona to show off that we made it, we have arrived. And when all else fails, there is God, thanks GOD for God, because unless we gave him the responsibility and the 'carte blanche' to manage the resources on Earth within such Inequality Models, what would we do, should we take responsibility for what is Here, how would we ever manage to see in common sense how to create a world that works for everybody, to no longer allow ourselves to dismiss the fact that 30000 kids dying of starvation/malnutrition a day is NOT normal even if they are Not Our Kids, and that 2.5 billion people that have no access to sanitation is 1/3 of the Planet and not a random anomaly and that violence, wars and everything else that is out-flowing from a system of Inequality and injustice could be stopped, corrected, if we stopped believing to be entitled to a better life than others, because Money buys us choices and those with No Money have No Choices, we took all the best Choices for ourselves and left them out in the cold.

So, whatever is your No Money or Pro Money (for yourself alone) Stance -because God gave it to You, because you worked hard for it, because you deserve it, because you have to think for yourself first-, because Equal Money is not scientifically proven to work and because we are Not Equals and some are really Worth more than Others -like me-, will you please just FUCK OFF?

Tomorrow I will walk my SF on my Corruptible Character to delete it once and for all so that, when next time someone offers me money to shut me up, the same way I have used Money in my life to shut someone up, knowing that Money does that to People as the Money/Pavlov effect is automatically activated, because Money has become Who We Are, and there is nothing we would not say or do to access a slice for ourselves, until we STOP, and that the system is designed in such a way to reward the most the jobs in which one should have the most to say about this system and its injustice and immorality (as one becomes privy to the deepest ugliness of the underbelly of this world, and his stand as a point of self correction would be even more demanded), to ensure that the desire for Equality and Justice doesn't arise, as it is suppressed with Money, loads of it, as a guarantee of the upholding of the lies of the Money System, next time I will notice myself attempting to move and shift into the Corruptible Character, I will, STOP, breathe and will not hide myself, desert myself, deny myself the right to speak in common sense what I can see clearly, and as my canny Character takes out the calculator and looks for support within other Characters/Players to prove and justify that I am doing the Right Thing, 'I will share the Money this time, listen to meeee', and yet I myself alone can see in self honesty that I am moving through an energetic experience and I can never be self honest when I am allowing myself to be ruled by Energy as Self Interest and will swiftly move into the 'what's in it for me' Character, the partner in crime of the Canny One, Instead I will breathe myself back here and reply when I am no longer energetically moved so I will be able to see clearly what I am wanting to do and WHY, address the point, release myself, break this shackles to keep walking my correction as one piece of the puzzle of the One that returns in alignment with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.
Eleonora
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Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Re: Eleonora's Journey to Life

Post by Eleonora »

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Day 169: Deleting the Corruptible Character



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child connect Money to a positive experience, as I associated Money with the image 'my problems are solved' and a sense of relief' (which could be why we call foreign aids 'relief' as well, which begs the question 'if we understand Money to be a Relief, meaning that those that don't have it live in a constant state of stress and anxiety as to how they will make it another day', why is MONEY NOT given to All Equally?)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, perceive Money as my independence from my mother, as the 'thing' that allowed me to have what I wanted without having to justify why and how I spent my money in the pursuit of my desires, money that I received in 'secret' from my grandparents and on which I had absolute indisputable control as my 'freedom'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, associate my secret money to an idea of 'Freedom' as in having My Own Money makes me not accountable for my actions/spending, which is exactly what happens to those with lots of Money, who believe they are not accountable for their actions, because Money will buy a way out of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, when in the presence of my grandparents or people that I knew would give me 'pocket money' to transform myself into whatever they wanted like a circus performer, so they would reward me with the Money as energy as positive experience, that I desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child feel a mixture of guilt and excitement when 'secret' money was given to me that I knew I could hide and not have to justify to my mother what I spent it on, associating Money with 'excitement'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a child to believe that Money was what everyone was after because it moved secret dynamics of energy within my family and fears when my grandmother would say to my mother 'I will delete you from my will' or when she gave her some 'pocket money' to spend as she wished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money with 'Love' and the feeling of 'being loved/cared for' because anyone who would part from their money to give it to me, must have loved me because Money was the most important thing in the world, nobody wanted to part from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed as a child when I had to be on my 'best behaviour' to have access to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited when I knew we were about to visit one of the people that was on my list of 'money lenders', because money was never given for FREE but always against something that I had to do, be or say in return for the 'grant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use money in my life as a manipulation tool to make people do, be or say something specific, using money as the positive energy that rewards the bending of a Character to my will and for having been the Character bent to someone else's will because of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the corruption outside of me, when in fact I have accepted and allowed myself to be corrupted by Money outside and Energy inside as the positive experience I sought and achieved when I was in possess of money, was given money or was paid money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for my relationship with money and for hiding from myself how important, and infact vital, money had become in my life and in everyone's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I was part of the positive thinkers and LOA, say that Money is Not important, just because I had plenty access to it, and for preaching that Love is the most important thing in the world, just because I didn't want to seem attached to money because being attached to Money is negatively judged by society -and therefore by myself as a member of society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we were taught to feel bad for wanting seeking Money, so that the ones who had it could keep it for themselves and not be challenged about it as we fell under the weight of the negative emotional experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Not realize that everyone is secretly or openly attached to Money due to what Money has become in this World, a Life resource without which we are left in the cold, homeless, starving and ultimately if sick, dying because we don't even have the Money to access the Healthcare system or medications

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that money played such a big role in every single interaction in my life, in which, whenever I met someone either for business or privately, if the topic would move onto Money, I would automatically move into my Corruptible and consequently 'What's in it for me' Character, because I connected Money to a positive experience that when is mentioned I want to have access to

I fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn Money into a tool for abuse of myself and others instead of seeing Money as a tool for support of All Life Equally, and for not questioning why, if Money is now the key to access resources and Choices, is not given to All Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that Money plays a vital role in this world, because when I had money I could down play it, because I Had it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the lie of LOA that said we all have equal chances in Life to have what we want and desire if we align to it, when in fact we DO NOT have Equal Chances because a Child born in war torn Darfur will not have the same chances of one of the Rotschild's children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the Inequalities of this World through the belief in reincanation and the 'Idea' that everyone chooses the life they walk into, when in self honesty I have a long list of lives that are currently playing out that I would not have chosen for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself and my mother 'I am not like You' meaning I am not attached to Money like you, always calculating and checking what you can spend and where, not because I was not like her, but because I disliked this trait in her as 'Cheap' and as negatively charged, so I did all my calculations and money planning within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was disgusted with myself because I saw that when the Money topic came into any conversation, I would change my posture and perceive a state of anticipation as in a Pavlovian reflex, and for subjecting my body to this energetic abuse for the sake of an 'idea' and definition of Money I myself accepted ad allowed within me as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when moving into this Corruptibe Character, dislike myself and perceive I could not trust myself and in fact shouldn't, because this Character, and all others, never make any common sense what's bes for all choices, but just what's best for me choices and in no way can I trust what comes up into my mind after I have seen myself shifting into the canning Character of Money, but instead I must STOP MYself, Breathe and do not make any decisions until I no longer perceive myself as pushed and shoved and in the grip of Energies as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money to the experience of shopping as happiness and worth that I projected in everything around me, including people, places, countries etc. as I saw last night with my ex husband when he said 'Italy is now lousy because it's grey, few people aound and ALL Shops are closed'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when counting Money, touching Money, looking at Money coming out of the ATM machine, feel this happiness as an energetic movement of empowerment, because as I allow this money driven empowerment, when I am not Money driven I am disempowered and this is how the system is keeping us all locked into the perception of 'not being abe to move, not being able to change anything' as who we are as Money is integrated within our bodies and we will have to undo what we have done to release ourselves and this world from the grip of Money as our Master

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the current Money System is a gambling system, in which 99% loses and 1% wins and that we are the ones that have to come together as a Solution to this problem, giving up all hopes that we may be winning because the 1% that could win has already won and is NOT putting back the Money on the game table for All to have Equal Chances at this Game, because by now they bought the game and they hide their profits offshore so they won't even pay taxes on it and are basically supported by the poor al the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Hope to win at this game, which is how The Game holds us in, because we have not left the table and moved on to create a system in which the Money that is used now will simply no longer be valuable and the New Money will be distributed to Everyone Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we are born into a rigged Monopoly Game and that games like Monopoly are created to imprint ourselves with how the system works, so that we will always know, from when we are children, that not everyone wins, but just one, making it normal that the majority has to lose AND PLAY for 1 to win, or we could call off all games and get up from this unfair game and set up the New Rules of the game to benefit All Life Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I were asked to sit at a Monopoly Game in which everything had already been distributed, land, hotels and resources, I would notice that the game IS NOT played that way, because we have to start with Equal Opportunities and this is why Money is distributed Equally at the Monopoly Game, and yet we came into this world and insist on accepting that THIS Game is played Unequally, just because someone said so, the meagre 1%, but they have spent so much Money con-vincing us All that we now believe it, and even believe that it is normal that resources of the earth be owned and that such a thing cannot be changed because we are only the 99% , DUH

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a Child, when I asked about why not all kids eat, when told that I was lucky because I did eat, and when asking why in Africa there were Poor kids we had to send stuff to, accept the brainwashed answers of my parents, my teachers, my priests, nuns and all the other zombies that walked this earth before me as Truths, because I lacked the vocabulary to tell them that what they were saying that they insisted made sense, DID NOT make sense, because if we kept sending goods, food and toys to Africa, there should come a day when we did not need to, when we had effectively Equalized the field, and yet I let another 30 years go by before asking the same questions to myself again, such as WHY has Charity Failed, why didn't we manage to feed the World when we throw away food, why is it OK to let people die of starvation and we have been unable to solve THAT problem while we went on the Moon and now Mars? And for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when raising the point that we should in no way leave this planet until we fix what we have here as problems that are costing people's lives, be dismissed with the 'logic' that we need the technology that comes from space travels, such as the microwave or other things that further our c-evil-azation, when in fact we have no civilization going at all, because civilization would mean a society in which all are cared for, from birth to death, and not this world in which much suffering goes on while we justify our technology as an advacement and fail to see, we keep advancing stepping on those that are left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my e.h. said 'go change the world but don't make too much damage' feel off-ended, as if this 'Mission' was not important, making this remark personal as in patronizing as in 'go on little system, let's see how far you go with your foolishness' about 'changing the World' and for perceiving that as he said, this is an impossible task, because he is scientific and knows better than me what it takes on a Project level to move to the finish line, and yet this is not at all impossible, because I am not infact in charge of the World, but of Myself, so as to no longer be a random piece that exists in separation as self interest and greed, driven by an imaginary idea and a fictionary energetic experience, but in alignment with Breath Here as One Piece of the Whole, addressing myself as all Self, in Self correction to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal with the Shame I felt for this existence and that I suppressed, because if I didn't I would have to look into that shame and do something about it, such as investigating what is this existential shame we all share and feel, until I would have uncovered the truth of Who We Are, as the very leeches of Existence that leave a wake of Death wherever We move, for the Love of Profit and Money.

I commit myself to flag every single energetic experience I have in connection to Money, so that I can stop my existence as Corruption inward and outward, and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for ALL

I commit myself to breathing to come back to the Physical and to not allow myself to be driven by Money/Energy as the search for a positive experience/happiness but to stand in and as Breath for as long as it will take to manifest a World that is Best for All
Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
Contact:

Re: Eleonora's Journey to Life

Post by Eleonora »

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Day 169: Deleting the Corruptible Character



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child connect Money to a positive experience, as I associated Money with the image 'my problems are solved' and a sense of relief' (which could be why we call foreign aids 'relief' as well, which begs the question 'if we understand Money to be a Relief, meaning that those that don't have it live in a constant state of stress and anxiety as to how they will make it another day', why is MONEY NOT given to All Equally?)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, perceive Money as my independence from my mother, as the 'thing' that allowed me to have what I wanted without having to justify why and how I spent my money in the pursuit of my desires, money that I received in 'secret' from my grandparents and on which I had absolute indisputable control as my 'freedom'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, associate my secret money to an idea of 'Freedom' as in having My Own Money makes me not accountable for my actions/spending, which is exactly what happens to those with lots of Money, who believe they are not accountable for their actions, because Money will buy a way out of anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child, when in the presence of my grandparents or people that I knew would give me 'pocket money' to transform myself into whatever they wanted like a circus performer, so they would reward me with the Money as energy as positive experience, that I desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, as a child feel a mixture of guilt and excitement when 'secret' money was given to me that I knew I could hide and not have to justify to my mother what I spent it on, associating Money with 'excitement'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a child to believe that Money was what everyone was after because it moved secret dynamics of energy within my family and fears when my grandmother would say to my mother 'I will delete you from my will' or when she gave her some 'pocket money' to spend as she wished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money with 'Love' and the feeling of 'being loved/cared for' because anyone who would part from their money to give it to me, must have loved me because Money was the most important thing in the world, nobody wanted to part from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed as a child when I had to be on my 'best behaviour' to have access to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited when I knew we were about to visit one of the people that was on my list of 'money lenders', because money was never given for FREE but always against something that I had to do, be or say in return for the 'grant'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use money in my life as a manipulation tool to make people do, be or say something specific, using money as the positive energy that rewards the bending of a Character to my will and for having been the Character bent to someone else's will because of Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the corruption outside of me, when in fact I have accepted and allowed myself to be corrupted by Money outside and Energy inside as the positive experience I sought and achieved when I was in possess of money, was given money or was paid money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for my relationship with money and for hiding from myself how important, and infact vital, money had become in my life and in everyone's life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I was part of the positive thinkers and LOA, say that Money is Not important, just because I had plenty access to it, and for preaching that Love is the most important thing in the world, just because I didn't want to seem attached to money because being attached to Money is negatively judged by society -and therefore by myself as a member of society

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we were taught to feel bad for wanting seeking Money, so that the ones who had it could keep it for themselves and not be challenged about it as we fell under the weight of the negative emotional experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Not realize that everyone is secretly or openly attached to Money due to what Money has become in this World, a Life resource without which we are left in the cold, homeless, starving and ultimately if sick, dying because we don't even have the Money to access the Healthcare system or medications

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed that money played such a big role in every single interaction in my life, in which, whenever I met someone either for business or privately, if the topic would move onto Money, I would automatically move into my Corruptible and consequently 'What's in it for me' Character, because I connected Money to a positive experience that when is mentioned I want to have access to

I fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn Money into a tool for abuse of myself and others instead of seeing Money as a tool for support of All Life Equally, and for not questioning why, if Money is now the key to access resources and Choices, is not given to All Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that Money plays a vital role in this world, because when I had money I could down play it, because I Had it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spread the lie of LOA that said we all have equal chances in Life to have what we want and desire if we align to it, when in fact we DO NOT have Equal Chances because a Child born in war torn Darfur will not have the same chances of one of the Rotschild's children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the Inequalities of this World through the belief in reincanation and the 'Idea' that everyone chooses the life they walk into, when in self honesty I have a long list of lives that are currently playing out that I would not have chosen for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself and my mother 'I am not like You' meaning I am not attached to Money like you, always calculating and checking what you can spend and where, not because I was not like her, but because I disliked this trait in her as 'Cheap' and as negatively charged, so I did all my calculations and money planning within the secret of my Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was disgusted with myself because I saw that when the Money topic came into any conversation, I would change my posture and perceive a state of anticipation as in a Pavlovian reflex, and for subjecting my body to this energetic abuse for the sake of an 'idea' and definition of Money I myself accepted ad allowed within me as Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when moving into this Corruptibe Character, dislike myself and perceive I could not trust myself and in fact shouldn't, because this Character, and all others, never make any common sense what's bes for all choices, but just what's best for me choices and in no way can I trust what comes up into my mind after I have seen myself shifting into the canning Character of Money, but instead I must STOP MYself, Breathe and do not make any decisions until I no longer perceive myself as pushed and shoved and in the grip of Energies as The Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect Money to the experience of shopping as happiness and worth that I projected in everything around me, including people, places, countries etc. as I saw last night with my ex husband when he said 'Italy is now lousy because it's grey, few people aound and ALL Shops are closed'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when counting Money, touching Money, looking at Money coming out of the ATM machine, feel this happiness as an energetic movement of empowerment, because as I allow this money driven empowerment, when I am not Money driven I am disempowered and this is how the system is keeping us all locked into the perception of 'not being abe to move, not being able to change anything' as who we are as Money is integrated within our bodies and we will have to undo what we have done to release ourselves and this world from the grip of Money as our Master

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the current Money System is a gambling system, in which 99% loses and 1% wins and that we are the ones that have to come together as a Solution to this problem, giving up all hopes that we may be winning because the 1% that could win has already won and is NOT putting back the Money on the game table for All to have Equal Chances at this Game, because by now they bought the game and they hide their profits offshore so they won't even pay taxes on it and are basically supported by the poor al the way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Hope to win at this game, which is how The Game holds us in, because we have not left the table and moved on to create a system in which the Money that is used now will simply no longer be valuable and the New Money will be distributed to Everyone Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that we are born into a rigged Monopoly Game and that games like Monopoly are created to imprint ourselves with how the system works, so that we will always know, from when we are children, that not everyone wins, but just one, making it normal that the majority has to lose AND PLAY for 1 to win, or we could call off all games and get up from this unfair game and set up the New Rules of the game to benefit All Life Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if I were asked to sit at a Monopoly Game in which everything had already been distributed, land, hotels and resources, I would notice that the game IS NOT played that way, because we have to start with Equal Opportunities and this is why Money is distributed Equally at the Monopoly Game, and yet we came into this world and insist on accepting that THIS Game is played Unequally, just because someone said so, the meagre 1%, but they have spent so much Money con-vincing us All that we now believe it, and even believe that it is normal that resources of the earth be owned and that such a thing cannot be changed because we are only the 99% , DUH

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a Child, when I asked about why not all kids eat, when told that I was lucky because I did eat, and when asking why in Africa there were Poor kids we had to send stuff to, accept the brainwashed answers of my parents, my teachers, my priests, nuns and all the other zombies that walked this earth before me as Truths, because I lacked the vocabulary to tell them that what they were saying that they insisted made sense, DID NOT make sense, because if we kept sending goods, food and toys to Africa, there should come a day when we did not need to, when we had effectively Equalized the field, and yet I let another 30 years go by before asking the same questions to myself again, such as WHY has Charity Failed, why didn't we manage to feed the World when we throw away food, why is it OK to let people die of starvation and we have been unable to solve THAT problem while we went on the Moon and now Mars? And for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when raising the point that we should in no way leave this planet until we fix what we have here as problems that are costing people's lives, be dismissed with the 'logic' that we need the technology that comes from space travels, such as the microwave or other things that further our c-evil-azation, when in fact we have no civilization going at all, because civilization would mean a society in which all are cared for, from birth to death, and not this world in which much suffering goes on while we justify our technology as an advacement and fail to see, we keep advancing stepping on those that are left behind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my e.h. said 'go change the world but don't make too much damage' feel off-ended, as if this 'Mission' was not important, making this remark personal as in patronizing as in 'go on little system, let's see how far you go with your foolishness' about 'changing the World' and for perceiving that as he said, this is an impossible task, because he is scientific and knows better than me what it takes on a Project level to move to the finish line, and yet this is not at all impossible, because I am not infact in charge of the World, but of Myself, so as to no longer be a random piece that exists in separation as self interest and greed, driven by an imaginary idea and a fictionary energetic experience, but in alignment with Breath Here as One Piece of the Whole, addressing myself as all Self, in Self correction to realign with Oneness and Equality and What is Best for All.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live One and Equal with the Shame I felt for this existence and that I suppressed, because if I didn't I would have to look into that shame and do something about it, such as investigating what is this existential shame we all share and feel, until I would have uncovered the truth of Who We Are, as the very leeches of Existence that leave a wake of Death wherever We move, for the Love of Profit and Money.

I commit myself to flag every single energetic experience I have in connection to Money, so that I can stop my existence as Corruption inward and outward, and realign myself to Oneness and Equality and What is Best for ALL

I commit myself to breathing to come back to the Physical and to not allow myself to be driven by Money/Energy as the search for a positive experience/happiness but to stand in and as Breath for as long as it will take to manifest a World that is Best for All
Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
Contact:

Day 170: The (De)Grading of Children - Teacher Character

Post by Eleonora »

http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot ... cher.html#

Day 170: The (De)Grading of Children - Teacher Character

Yesterday I have seen my English student again, in less than 2 months she forgot almost everything we did together for the exam, plus she refused to take on some homework to build her vocabulary because 'that is not what the new English teacher asks her to do and grades her for', I have tried the common sense approach of explaining that a language is for communication and the vocabulary is a fundamental part of it, failed, she stuck to the grades point, asked her to put in 20 minutes a day extra curricula to keep her English up, she said no because she had too much to do, asked her to fill in 'at least' the part of the present continuous her teacher is explaining now, she said no because those homework were not given to her in class and she will not be graded for them.

At the height of my exasperation I told her ' I will tell your mum', way to go Ele, I justified 'scaring her' for her own good, because 'how can she not see they are fucking with her and in a country like Italy where soon everyone will have to migrate again she better get her English skills together, so I projected on her my own fears of the future that is waiting for all of us.

This was the result of a mounting irritation that took place during lesson yesterday, she could not focus and she made 2 jokes to which I reacted, one was about 'don't go to the park because is full of junkies' , the second was 'I am sorry for the little China Children but I will never give up my Nike shoes', basically I was one inch from desiring to slap her.

I tried to engage her on the 'poor children of China' conversation but we got to the point when she said, "Nike has cleaned up its act since they were caught abusing Child labor, so now it's all 'fine' again", that was not the point I tried to make but I wasn't even clear on the point I was trying to make myself so I let that go as I perceived the internal reaction and I knew I would have said something useless and sstupid just to make My Point.

SO what are the common sense words to speak to a kid to help them through this world, to explain that we, the Adults, are sorry for TheGrading them, that we wish we didn't build or accepted and allowed such a system in which children are deGraded and marked and then sold ideas that Life is about a pair of Nike shoes no matter at what cost they come to the market, that we are not separate, that we are One Life, and that saying 'fuck you' is basically 'fuck me', even if it doesn't seem so.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with irritation when my student said she won't do extra homework from the ones assigned, because she cannot see a value in education, instead of realizing I was irritated with myself because at her age I was all about grades and I couldn't give a shit about what I was learning or the fact that it would impact my ability to become effective in the system

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not sort out my reaction through breathing but for tightening up in the 'teacher role' and 'how come you don't get it, you silly fuckup' because I felt self righteous as I saw myself 'knowing better' and 'what do you understand about the world, you sheep'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself into a backchat about my student instead of bringing myself back here in breath to take responsibility and direct that moment in common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to 'schooling stories' and the 'horrors of the schooling system' because I wish to blame the schooling system for what I did not learn at school, such as geography, that led me to think I am geography Dumb because I cannot remember where countries are located on the map, in some cases not even after I visited them or lived there for a while

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that as I moved into the Teacher Role she moved into the Dumb Student Role and then reacted thinking I was the cause of her reaction as I believed my teachers were the cause of my reactions when I was her age

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am stupid for not fairing equally well in all subjects I was taught and for then when faced with a student, pass on my perception that unless you study what the teacher tells you and how the teacher tells you, you are stupid because you don't get that one day in your life you will need this skill such as speaking English, which was what my teachers told me/hinted to me when I did not study what I was not interested into

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct the point that arose yesterday when my student reacted to the idea of extra homework, because I was myself reacting to what I myself have done, as having moved into the 'Teacher Role' and having difficulties getting off that pedestal and then wishing to put her down, because as my authority was not recognized I felt diminished and then moved to diminish her, and isn't this what the wonderful world of teaching is all about? Teaching how we can abuse each other in our pursuit of power and value, and for this, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose deliberately words that would highlight her lack in the subject of English instead of encouraging her to do better by breathing and putting myself in her shoes, having a truckload of mainly useless homework to do and feeling crushed by the uselessness of the system she lives in and as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when faced with the schooling system, desire to wreck havoc, go to the school and point out that what they are doing to the kids is WRONG, instead of seeing I seek my own self righteousness of the awakened one vs the sleeping sheep which is NOT going to bring a change to this world, because only an overall system change will change the fuckup we have become, from education to everything else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that Education is one of the fields in which we can see the trickle down effect at his best, where our own fuck ups of being TheGraded at School resulted in now wanting to DeGrade the new children, so they get some of what we have got, justifying the value of an education that is designed to assess the worthiness of the next slave and how to fit them proficiently into their role as cogs of the machine

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent having been graded at school, based on the moods of a teacher and on her preferences for some vs others, when in fact yesterday I was the teacher grading a student based on my mood while I was reacting and trying to just suppress my reaction because 'I don't want to be THAT kind of teacher'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished in my teacher Authority because, since I am not the one DeGrading her officially and since we no longer have the FEAR of the exam as a Motivator, I felt powerless to enforce something that would have 'been good for her' and having failed at imposing my common sense I moved into looking for another FEAR that could motivate her to do what is best for her, such as 'I will tell your mother', which of course created the opposite effect of moving her into solid resistance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless in the face of the fact that unless a kid is motivated by FEAR or REWARD there is NO WAY they will be interested to find in themselves the will to do what is best for them, which is what I do most of my time, seek for a motivation to move that can range from Money to Fear but is not yet self directed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the threat of FEAR on a kid that is already struggling with the FEAR of being DeGraded and cannot hear anymore what is best for her as in becoming an effective student and NOT giving in to the belief in Grades

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and support a world in which kids are TheGraded so we can pass on to them our own limitations as the degraded ones, upgrading the system to now include debts and credits, showing them that life is a big banking system and their education just a trade tool on the market of flesh they will soon join to make a living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that when we tell children about the shit world ahead and how they have to accumulate tools to compete and show them how much they need to fear everything out there in case they won't be able to make a living, we are pushing them further into this shithole that we created and endorse everyday until we stand for a system change for ALL

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'what a little fuckup' when she spoke about 'who cares about the little Children in China' instead of seeing Children are the product of this world and they don't give a shit because we don' give a shit about how goods are brought onto the market as long as 'I' have access to them to be able to present myself as the 'Image' of someone that fits some sort of 'Personality' failing to see, personalities are sold and bought, and there is nothing original in buying the most original shoes, because they have been originally designed for people who feel cloned and seek to 'become originals' like kids, which can't make sense of this world and seek outside of themselves'Who they Are' while we Prey for them to lure them into the traps of Consumerism because we need Young Blood to keep all of this going and we'll make sure we'll get them as young as we can

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel defeated by this system as in desiring to think and say 'nothing can change' instead of taking responsibility for my own Change so that I can prove to myself, The system Can Change, because I can Change.
Eleonora
Posts: 635
Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
Contact:

Day 171: the Broken Stepford Wife - Part2

Post by Eleonora »

So, here we were, survived the first 3 years of marriage we then moved to a new house, here the dream my husband had paraded for me got closer to reality, we had a beautiful 4 bedroom home with a garden and a jacuzzi on the rooftoop (which became the source of much discontent as I refused to walk up and down 4 floors to organize dinner, lunches or parties up there), we still did not have help in the house, my husband perceived he did enough with going out to work so as a principle he would do nothing at home, not even pick up his socks and put them in the laundry basket, I slid into the Wife role, went to shop for food and housy things, set fresh flowers at home at all times and read a lot of spiritual and self help books, Abraham Hicks was my favourite, because I had given up for long the idea that I was in anyway connected/related to the world, as I accepted nothing I did had any impact and settled for the 'doing what makes ME feel good' and apply random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty, wherever I could, everything was about Me and feeling good, because the alternative was everything was about ME and feeling BAD, it's not like it was a choice that required much pondering, the Abraham explanation that emotions and feelings were our guiding system made some sense in a senseless world, yet the question IF THIS IS SO, WHY ISN'T EVERYONE TAUGHT ABOUT IT, is something I suppressed and finally Abraham explained it, each one of us is CHOOSING the life experience we want, but of course, why didn't I come up with this by myself, CRA-ZY.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when we moved home I was finally 'turning things around' with the help of positive thinking, stopping to focus on the 'negative' of it all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip into the 'perfect wife ' role/Character as a way to find meaning to my life in my perception of meaningless world/existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT notice that when my husband did not compliment me for my Character Interpretation and I felt Less than the Character I was playing, this was the reason why I reacted and then blamed on him the experience of myself as not having been up to the script and therefore being Bad and Useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my husband shouted at me that "it was not his job to make me happy", go into a state of shock as I was asked in One moment to let go everything that had been laid out clearly for me by all bullshit fairytales that said IT WAS HIS JOB to make me happy, because it was always AFTER the prince came onto the scene that they 'Lived happily ever after' so the Prince came, if I was not happy why was it not his fault? And for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting ad allowing myself to, when my husband said it was not his job to make me happy, fail to notice the sense of relief I had, because I had been tied into expectation waiting for him to deliver this 'happiness experience' to me, which was NOT coming and suddenly I felt freed, but did not know how to relate to this freeing experience and so I sunk back into the fairy tale character and demanded an explanation of WHY WAS IT NOT HIS JOB? Because the Script was CLEAR so where the fuck had he been before marrying me, didn't he study the same script? Where was his sense of responsibility??? He surely was an irresponsible dickhead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the responsibility for my well being lay in my husband hands and for believing he was the Irresponsible (dickhead) one for not taking the responsibility of ME, defying all tales of how life would have been to impose His Views of Life and how each one should have been responsible for themselves and their own experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT want to be responsible for the experience of myself within my marriage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to embrace the Sunday Champagne brunches as something that was owed to me, a day to let loose, because within the expat community it was not only accepted but recommended to join in the 'All you Can eat/All You can drink' Sunday brunches, so I would live my weeks waiting for the week ends, where I could get drunk and get 'funny' and be excused because this was the expat way of spending the weekends after a hard week of work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Life had no meaning and thanks God for the drunken weekends and lets just hold on because there is always a weekend after another and I may make it through this life if I don't make too many waves and stick to the schedule for my allowed and accepted 'moments of joy as 'let loose'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be obsessed about keeping my figure because we lived in a Tropical country, at all time half naked. in swimming suits and shorts. short skirts, and I feared my husband would leave me if I got out of shape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a resistance toward his best friend, another geeky expat we spent a lot of time with, believing I did not like him, when in fact I did not like the relationship they had that seemed closer than the relationship we had and for this I resented both him and my husband

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep a memory in my mind of one evening when we had a dinner and my husband 'best friend' came over and my husband made a joke about me saying that 'ah marriage, the only hope is that they die before you" and I felt so hurt and ashamed that I go up from the table and went in the kitchen with an excuse and cried my eyes out quietly before returning to the table asking myself why did I deserve this on a night when everything seemed fine and I even had his 'fucking ' friend -that I disliked- for dinner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'you will pay for this' as I needed this kick to be able to walk back to the table with a fake smile on my face, I needed the hope that I would have a plan to get even, because it was unacceptable to be treated this way 'after all I did' for this fucking marriage, which basically was having left MY country, having stepped into a pathetic role, stepped onto myself and all this to be PAID Back in such a way -there comes another Money word-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself with thoughts that my husband wished me dead and I therefore had no reason or purpose to live because I was just a Wife, and with NO Value as a Wife I was useless and purposeless and I may in fact die and disappear forever for the best of all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overwhelmed by emotions every time this memory/thought came up and for playing it again and again in my mind so I could establish my worthlessness and play the Victim Role, the Neglected Wife Role and point out how I was in my right to hold on to thoughts of hatred toward my husband, because he was just hate-able and not because I hated myself that I was suck into Role playing in a foreign country having invested a man of the responsibility of my life, financial, emotional and mental


To be continued
Eleonora
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Joined: 10 Aug 2011, 18:17
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Day 172: Married to a Deathwish

Post by Eleonora »

Today I really didn't feel like writing, I am sick, I wanted to crawl in my bed and just fall asleep.
This sickness came about since my ex husband visit, I nurtured it through suffocating myself with food and then just basically dragging myself around, pretending to compliment myself that this visit went 'fine' just because we didn't fight and nothing particularly unpleasant happened. With that alone I should be pleased with myself and yet I moved slowly back into my Deathwish by abuse, food and wine, even though in moderation (the wine), are my only tools left since I gave up pot, there is a thought within me that I can't let go 'everything', I have nothing left in life but food -this warrants for a whole script by itself which I will do when I am done with "Marriage'
When my ex husband arrived 2 friends of mine were here, my girlfriend knew him well, the other, an ex boyfriend from 25 years ago, didn't.
When I first saw him I was struck at how young ad handsome he looked, superfit with a tan, amazingly happy to see me and I underline AMAZINGLY.
Until my 2 friends left there was laughter and jokes, even after they left, he explained that he was so fit because he had found a dog that he took for walks everyday and that he had gone back to being a skipper and teaching sailing.
Thoughts came up about what I had missed in my life and the life I am living in Italy which I hate and makes no sense at all, an alien in my country of birth with almost no connection to the physical world outside, a wreck of my previous lives, nothing to cheer about.
As well when we were alone the pressure of my perception of utter inferiority at how my life turned out compared to his was crushing, I saw it more clearly today in my mother when she told me why she didn't like the story I told her about meeting my ex and what she resented about this meeting, basically everything that i had not expressed or pretended to not give any weight to so I can hang on to my delusion of having changed.
And yet the Deathwish that creeped up was pretty self explanatory, what the fuck do you live for Ele, stuff yourself with food, it's the only thing you have left and I gave in to an invisible depression, that I myself may have not noticed if not for the fact that when i laid in bed tonight just wanting to curl up in a fetal position, all the times in which I tried to off myself more or less obviously came jumping through my Mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I was not worthy of the life I have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I didn't deserve to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when I was married, be worried about taking up drinking Martinis at home when my husband was not around because I was aware i was a living Deathwish and I never knew which avenue I would take to plot to take myself down and off myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my marriage looking forward to the 2 weeks we would spend in Italy in winter during which I would make myself unconscious with pot, justifying what I did because the rest of the year I was NOT doing it and everyone deserves a break, from Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink so much at parties and outings when I was married that once my husband wanted to take me to the hospital and once I woke up with a bucket next to the bed because I said I told him I was going to throw up before I passed out, which I did not remember when I woke up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick my friends among those that I saw held the same Deathwish as myself, so we could go out and party when my husband traveled and none of us would have to be ashamed for our excesses because we were both doing and living as a Deathwish

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I had a right to my excesses because Life is boring and only when partying and drinking or smoking pot, Life became bearable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay up late and always let my husband go to bed alone because I feared intimacy and I rathered stay up with my friends drinking/smoking or playing solitaire until the wee hours in the night because I desired the excitement my life lacked as I lived as a Deathwish

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confide in friends when drunk and then regret what I said that they would bring up for me to face, and that I could not recall telling such as 'why are you still married if the only good thing you see in your husband is that he would not be the kind of man to molest your children, when you do not have children, nor seem to be planning to have them?'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drink so much one night when we had already moved to HK, eat hash cookies and when my husband went to bed had a joint and then I felt I was collapsing and I would die that night but was too ashamed to go and wake him up and ask for help, so I crawled to the bathroom, filled it with cold water and then rolled myself into it completely dressed until I felt myself come back, vomited in the bathtub and when I came back to my senses had to clean everything up and wonder 'what the fuck am I doing with my Life?', and for holding on to this memory and the shame I felt and for this I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not even good enough to die as I experienced the utter disappointment of waking up again and again after every binge, feeling like shit, thinking I wasn't even good enough to pass out and then just die, instead I woke up again and again in the oddest situations, wondering why I had such a resilient body that hug on to a Life I did not want or wished to live instead of just letting me go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since I had to look for justification to WHY I loved my stoned life so much, bake hash cookies and give them to my husband twice, without telling him, hoping that he too would see the light, and not telling him after the first cookie that he said 'tasted off' that it was a hash cookie and he should slow down, but to hope that he would get stoned, since he did not want to smoke it, and then he would understand WHY I lived the way I lived, because Life is unbearable, but you only know it when something comes and lift you out of it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Life is Unbearable, confusing and defining Life as the Fuck Ups that were going on in my Mind and that I believe to be me, until I became them, instead of seeing the truth, that something not right was going on in my Mind and that just because everyone believed our Mind is Who we are, I should have investigated if it was possible that I was my thoughts and where were they coming from, instead of believing yes this is WHO I am, and for accepting and allowing to define myself as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and ashamed when he became sick and had to lie on the bed because he felt like passing out, failing to reach the experience I was seeking for him, to share in my debauched lifestyle so I would not have to feel he was so good and I was so bad, and when I told him 'those were hash cookies' he looked at me in disbelief and then he said 'YOU ARE NOT NORMAL' which was true and surprised me like, did he think I was?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, since my first plan failed, do it again, regardless of the fact that I had made him sick the first time, which proved that I was in fact a psychopath and should be detained because I was on the dangerous side of a mental disorder, and for then making fun of him while he watched TV because he was outing his 'thoughts', which were not even close to mine, convoluted and sick, but was simply repeating what he saw on TV 'a cow, a dog' and I laughed because I saw him as a simpleton with no complicated intricated thoughts, and for the first time believing that when I asked 'what are you thinking' and he said 'nothing' that it was in fact unbelievably TRUE, and that in his Mind there was nothing interesting to peek at, without realizing I was the psychopath at all times and when he said 'YOU ARE CRAZY' to think, "now you're talking", as an achievement, as if being crazy made me special and not ordinary, instead of seeing I had Equally become a danger to myself and others, and for giving in to the craziness of my mind and for giving up on myself I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my husband was boring because he didn't share my Life as a Deathwish, but instead he wanted to live, which was something beyond comprehension to me, because honestly how can anyone want to live this shit existence and try to make it work? THEY must be CRAZY

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when we still lived in S, where death penalty was applied to people who moved as little as 2 grams of hash, to cross the border with hash, uncaring that I was putting my husband in a state of anxiety and in danger of losing his job and being extradited if I was caught, because I wanted to hang on to my Pot that I would get every time we went on holiday somewhere where I could have access to it, regardless to the fact that smoking pot changed my personality and made me someone different as my husband told me, someone he liked less, but I liked more, because that Persona was NOT HERE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie about POT all the time to my husband, because POT was still my primary relationship in Life, having utterly failed to build any kind of relationship with my husband due to everything I did and lived in shame and regret for, and for once leaving him to wait for me at the station in Milan telling him I was going to the toilet, instead I walked out of the station, into the park, got some pot and went back, uncaring that I would leave him behind to wait for me for over half an hour, because I had no respect for anyone, starting with myself and I had to get the Pot because Pot was the only thing that made my life experience bearable and it was either that or insanity, and I believed I needed the Pot to keep it all together and not come undone in ways that I would not be able to fix myself forever more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be surprised that my husband believed me again and again whatever promise I made about Pot that I would NOT keep and instead of stopping, facing this point of addiction once and for all, come up with new and more elaborate stories about why I had crossed the custom again with pot hidden in my pocket or why I had given my friend M., who had moved to Australia our address and she sent a box of chocolate packing 5 big chocolate wrappers with grass in a perfect James Bond set up, never considering the danger I put my husband through because Pot had become my vital relationship and without it I did not feel even alive so what would it matter for me to die if I was never alive to start with?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself when we moved to HK to hook up with potheads like me, thinking how glad I was to be out of the restricted country in which we used to live and for slowly taking up my habit again, until I was full into smoking and doing nothing else with my life but sit on the couch smoking joints from morning to evening when my husband would find me still wearing my pajamas

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself through massive amounts of Shame, believing that shame to be me, living the shame, until I needed more pot to suppress the shame into a never ending loop from which I did not know how to get out, and so I looked for an online supplier who was shipping it from Europe, and when the first envelope arrived and my husband realized I got it in the mail, he begged me to not do that again, that it was dangerous and I promised I would not and yet every time I finished it and had to go through the first 3 days of hell, the first still stoney, the second removing all cushions from my couch and armchairs to look for pieces, leaves, looking in the rubbish for the stubs of my joints to see if I could make one, just one to get me through the second day and then I would give up, because really it was ruining my life, my marriage and would I please STOP, but then I never did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my husband came home with 250 gr of hash he got from a colleague having had this idea that the availability would get me off the hook, to smoke until I became a shadow of my former self and until I was disgusted with myself and for asking him to hide it, and then as soon as he would go to work go and seek it, thinking I was so smart because I would always find it at the first try and then go back to smoking as the prize I found at the end of my treasure hunt for which I was entitled to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when my husband came home one evening to find me in the shower crying my eyes out, to tell him 'I need help here' and when he said, 'give it to me', I said NO, which was the moment when he realized I had an addiction (DUH) and for blaming him for having had this brilliant idea, as if it was him that turned me into this blob because he didn't see the consequences of HIS actions when he thought that little plan to buy me 'A LOT OF IT' to cure me once and for all, and for then resenting him to no end because he did nothing to help me, like have me go into a rehab which was unheard of for marijuana users because people insist it's NOT addictive like other drugs and for resenting that he was not spending time seeking for solutions to my life, and that he was superficial for not going online reading about MY problem before I got the 250 gr. home, comparing what he did to what he WOULD never do to one of his computers, which is to instal a program without reading the manual first, believing he just didn't love me, cared for me, because I would have done this and that for him, but obviously for some reasons he was supposed to be the one in charge of my life and the provider of the solutions to my problems, because I did not want to become Self responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when one evening we were out with friends after we were separated, and he got tipsy and started to tell the story of when he found me naked and crying in the shower because I did not know how to stop using Pot, as a joke, to look at him like 'cut it out' but he did not pick up on the hint, and I felt outed with my friends and my shame brought out in public display for everyone to know 'what it was REALLY like to live with me' and in that moment for believing I wholeheartedly hated him as he was so fucking disloyal, instead of seeing and realizing I hated myself so much for everything I did in service to Pot in my life which went all the way to losing the trust and respect of a man that was everything I had always wanted, but thought I did not deserve, until I turned him into someone who hated me just as much as I hated myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like an utter failure when I saw him again the other night, because, on the contrary to him who did built for himself a life he enjoys and himself into a man he can be proud of, I have returned to Italy, with the tail between my legs, having nothing to show for 17 years lived abroad, if not that I was in fact Crazy made all the wrong choices and now I am left with the consequences of my misguided life to live until I sort myself up and stand again, this time for good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am bad and horrible and that I can't even understand how and why such a man still wants to see me after everything that went on in our marriage and that doesn't even end here, and that I will disclose in my other posts until I walk all this timeline as my marriage and release myself from this relationship back into sanity and Self respect to build for myself a Life Worth living and myself into a self responsible, caring Human being for myself and All of Existence Equal and One
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