Carrie's Journey To Life

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tormod
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Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby tormod » 04 Jun 2015, 16:35

Awesome to read your blogs

Thank you for walking/ breathing with



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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 07 Jun 2015, 02:55

Day 216: You've Been Hijacked
http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... acked.html

"So you have truly been Hijacked by Evil: the Evil of the Light. It’s the same as a Moth that’s been Hijacked by the Light, it continues going to the Light, Ignoring the Evidence that Going to the Light inevitably is going to Wear you out and you’re going to End up Dying and that it’s Getting you Nowhere: the Moth keeps on Going to the Light." - Creation's Journey To Life, Day 445: The Universal Mind

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I've been hijacked. We've all been hijacked.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been jacked up high - severed, separated, and lifted up off of the earth.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be high jacked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jacked up into my mind where it's comfortable and away from what's become of our reality - a system of survival, starvation, curable disease, sacrifice, deliberate abuse, murder, and constant trauma.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to be hijacked - seized and manipulated to see my internal and external world in a distorted and backwards way so that I would be a part of and used as a tool to bring about a world that is not best for all and benefits a few.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the information that's been inserted into my mind - and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become a willing slave instead of questioning the information and investigating to see whether or not it's in-fact true or a story that's been made up to protect those that fear the consequences and potential loss if/when/as the real truth comes out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am all things - I am not just the part, I am the whole - and that what I accept and allow as myself, I accept and allow for all in existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself see, realize, and understand myself as a creator. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me, as a creator, to be hijacked and re-directed - allowed myself to be created into a creator for specific creation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be able to immediately take responsibility for why I would allow myself as a creator to be utilized to create a world of survival, suffering, pain and torment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest about the constant and continuous suffering, pain, and torment that goes on within and as me - as a being I have been separated, fragmented, and I have been furious about it and my physical body is literally being torn, stripped, drilled and sucked of physical resources so that me as my mind - with all of my fears, beliefs, self-definitions, relationship connections, and personalities - can survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and want to believe that everything here as it exists is the result of a veeeeeeery tiny group of super elite manipulating everything for their own evil agenda. When two things are for sure: one, I don't know for certain what their agenda is - I mean there is so much disinformation and assumption going on, and two, I realize that if I accept that there is an evil group of hell bent manipulators controlling everything from behind the scenes and within this, allow myself to blame them, this is showing me how this archetype actually exists within and as me and that I am attempting to pin it on an external source.

Further, within the realization that I am all as one as equal, I see that this 'elite group' is me in another life. They are in the same game of competition for resources - however, they are better at the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react, judge and blame instead of allowing myself to breath, remain stable, and be with/as/for another, understand, embrace unconditionally and forgive as I would forgive myself. And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest and see how I would have played the Game of Life no different if it were me as them - Why would I? If everything was going fine for me, why would I even consider changing or doing anything differently? It's the same damn mind-set that is running in each and every one of us that are in a position of physical comfort, relationship distractions, and financial stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into helplessness and self-victimization and tell myself, "There's nothing I can do ..." or "I don't care ..." or "It's too late ..." instead seeing, understanding, and realizing that I/we must stop and change what I am/we are doing and create a balance within and as ourselves, each other and the world, where everything is equalized into win-win solutions.

To be continued with self-corrections and self-commitments.



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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 20 Nov 2015, 18:05

Day 218: Betrayed
http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... rayed.html

Discovering that someone is not who I thought they were - that they have been doing things for many years that are outside of our agreement and commitments has been a shock. I placed my trust in this person and so placed myself in them. As the lies have been unfolding, I have found that I have this experience of being destroyed - wasted. When the thoughts come up about what I know and what I might not know, I have been reacting to them with this overwhelming sense of loss of self. I think, "How could I have been so stupid?", "Why did they do this to me?", "I'm such a loser,", "They did this because I am not good enough for them,", "There is too much wrong with me physically - I am flawed," and "What am I going to do with myself now that I am like this?"

My world and the life that I built is falling apart - something that I did not see was possible for me as I saw myself as stronger than that, that I am beyond that, that I am the one one that would always be in control of me and my life - no matter what happened. I have had this belief that if I had myself that I could weather anything.

I have been fortunate to have an unlimited and unconditional amount of support in this process of my life falling apart. Probably the best suggestion I was given was to breath - to hold the in-breath and realize - this is me, this is my life force, and I am still here, regardless of the external loss. I have also been fortunate to have my child and my dog here and a friend suggested that I hug them when the emotions come up - this has assisted me to stay grounded and to not get lost in everything going on. Seriously, I cannot imagine having to sort through this without that physical support from these two.

One of the most profound realizations I have had along the way is that the 'life' I built was actually an illusion that I created from fear of losing a relationship or who I was or wanted to be in the relationship. I saw that in the beginning of the relationship that there was a part of myself that I really liked - but overtime, I was no longer able to connect with that self and so I was clinging to the memory of the 'way things used to be' in hopes that I could somehow get that experience of myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as my trust to another.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when things didn't 'add up', didn't make sense, or what I was seeing and what I was hearing was unaligned. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt and to not listen to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into physical shock when faced with all of the delusions that I have allowed, accepted, perpetuated, and supported - and created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my delusions/illusions coming down as something bad or destructive - I realize that I saw the process in this way because I did not want to let go of the illusion and that I was in, I did not want to give up hope, I did not want to change, I did not want to let go, and I have had a paralyzing fear of the unknown - I mean, who/what/where would I be if I no longer had all of that?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and keep myself locked in to a way that of being that was perhaps not what was best from fear of loss of self and fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift of betrayal - if the lie I was living had not been exposed and if I had not been faced with the extent that I had put my trust in something or someone outside of myself, I would still be living in a bubble of constant paranoia and self-doubt and making up stories to make myself 'okay' with all that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the loss of my hopes and beliefs about myself, the loss of how I saw my life playing out, the loss of the future I had planned for myself, and the loss of who/what/where and with whom I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could I have been so stupid?" - and creating this self-judgement as an excuse to go into blame and self-victimization and thus justify and pave the way for me to go into despair, sadness, depression, and feeling bad for myself rather than breathing, remaining here, and seeing the situation in a self-honest and realistic way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could they do this to me?" and giving myself over to this thought with negative experiences instead of seeing that blame and how I have been using the blame as a vehicle for allowing myself to be the victim instead of being the one here standing in awareness of how this blame and self-victimization is self-defeating and gets me no where. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my strength, life force and commitment to creating a better life for myself that I will actually get me out of the mess I have created and ensure that I do not repeat the same mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative thought that "I am a loser" and to see this as me sucking at life and having very little value. Instead of seeing that, yes, I am a 'loser' within the context that I have experienced a loss and it doesn't necessarily mean that something with wrong me and rather that I have some adjustments to make with my awareness, my self-relationship and how I direct myself externally physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I must not have been good enough for another and because of not being good enough is why I was betrayed - not seeing, realizing, considering, and understanding that it was not likely the best match - or it was at sometime and not anymore - we all meet up, are sometimes with each other for some time, and ultimately always move on.

Further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into taking all of this personally and assuming that there is something wrong with me when something doesn't work out - I realize that I have been misinterpreting the information and the self-communication - having been connecting polarity definitions and meanings to what's coming up which has been clouding my ability to see clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the thought/idea/belief that many of the issues that I face in my life are because there is something wrong with me physically and because I am flawed physically - and allowing and going into complacency with that rather than seeing where this stuff comes from and if it's actually relevant or changeable. I mean, when I look at it now and see where these ideas come from and that they have come from fear, there's some comedy here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought, "What am I going to do now?" and within this, having a lost and insecure experience because I have been panicking in situations that aren't known, are unplanned, or are predictable. Had I had been hearing myself instead of reacting and in fear, I would have heard myself clearly asking myself, "Okay. So. What AM I going to do? How will I be changing here? How will I be building a new life that's real and not fiction?"

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to place myself as trust in an external source and instead bringing trust back to myself by committing myself to a working relationship with self where I hear myself, stop doubting my ability to see, and stop doubting my awareness. When and as questions and inconsistencies come up or I am seeing a pattern that aligns with specific information that looks as though it requires adjustment, I stop and breath. I let go of any energetic reactions, definitions, connections, and fears that I have attached to what is coming up and hear myself communicating with myself without the polarity. I allow myself the space and time required to work it out for myself. I realize that I do not have all of the answers, however, I commit myself to living a real life and not one that I have reasoned or contrived in my mind because I did not yet have the understanding or clear direction. I will be patient with myself.

I commit myself to assist and support my physical body with not going into shock as I make a transition from my 'old life' and into a 'new life' by breathing, staying physical, and reminding myself that the life I am letting go of was only a really good story and my future that I had planned was a brilliant idea - mostly all of it was made up in my mind - conflicting, confusing, and trying to physically conform to the story I had made up. It was a big CON. I allow myself to breath, let go, and walk into the unknown - here using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to support me.

I commit myself to no longer allow the definitions I have connected to information to influence my ability to see clearly and communicate with myself without polarity by breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself to look beyond the meanings I have connected to what's coming up - here, I will say the words within myself as self - slowly, clearly, and with my sound - and take a look at what's being communicated and within awareness, decide how to respond.

I commit myself to stop going into all these thoughts that I have about myself in a negative, self-defeating way. When and as the thoughts come up, I stop, breath, and center myself. I remind myself of my self-commitment to establish self-trust with self-communication and hear myself with sound stability. Here, I commit myself to practice this stopping, breathing, sounding, hearing, and responding in awareness until it becomes me.



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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 29 Nov 2015, 21:44

Day 219: Betrayed - Understanding: Q&A
http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... ing-q.html

So, my questions have been: How could this happen? How could someone that I trust do something that I see as damaging and highly consequential? And why did they not consider me and the life we built together - doesn't all of that time and work on the relationship mean something?

As I have been answering these questions over the past few days, some things have become clear. First, what has happened was not personal. Second, for many of us, the world is like an all access buffet that's a click or a message away - in fact, I have found that it takes a great amount of willpower to refrain from indulging. Myself, I have principles that assist with my decision making process but for the many, this is not the case. And without these principles - respect, honor, and integrity - it is very easy to go from one self-interest to another and not consider the consequences or the ripples that are being created. Third, in regards to interests of a sexual nature, we get turned on - like a switch, and in that moment have the tendency to make decisions that we might not have made if we were in our 'right mind'.

My answers to my questions are thus:
This happens because it happens. Again, it had nothing to do with me on a personal level. It was something this person did because it may have been fun, exciting, or felt good at the time. And in a world where things are shit, it's understandable how another would want that moment of feeling better about themselves. Obviously, it is no way a permanent solution but it is understandable.

I have had the tendency to make moral judgment calls. For myself, I have utilized consequence or potential consequence as a way to keep myself in-check. What I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand is that I cannot hold others to my way of doing things - what is clear to me may not be so clear to another. And the truth of the matter is that I have done some things that aren't what's best and fell many times before deciding for myself what works for me, what doesn't work for me, what I can live with, and what I cannot live with - if I had not been allowed to make mistakes, I would not be where I am today.

In other words: we have to allow each other to make mistakes, be there as a point of support if possible, and not hold it against them.

Many times I have been in a similar situation as the person that I had placed my trust in - even as I have been working on answering these questions, a very similar scenario has played out for me. And I can say that when I'm in it, when I'm engaged, when I'm having fun, when my curiosity is getting peaked and satiated, and my mind is getting stimulated by an external source, that I am not considering the life I have built with another and I'm not focused on the work on the relationship that has or must be done. In fact, the relationship does not influence my experience much at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from what another is living out - as if it doesn't exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my attempted separation from another and what they are living is a form of control - trying to control them and myself with a morality system that I have created from a fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a decision that someone else made and make it personal and within this, see this as something that had been done to me instead of actually personalizing it for myself - getting to know the decision and how I have/could have made the same decision myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to allow myself moments of fun, excitement, and physically feeling good because of beliefs, ideas, my morality system, fear, and not trusting myself - within this, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding how I am betraying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world that is shit and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that myself and others should be wallowing in this shit and not taking moments to take a break from the shit. We are the ones that will be cleaning up our shit so it's going no where - the point here is to trust oneself to go back to cleaning up the shit. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more focused on other people's landfill of shit moreso than my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that others are actually in a bigger pile of shit than myself because they have not yet realized how to clean up their shit.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to come to terms with the fact that for myself and some others in a fortunate position in life, that there is everything and anything that we're interested in exploring in the world and at our fingertips - but I have been unclear on the point and instead if clearing it up for myself without fear and with self-honesty, self-trust, and self-responsibility, I have been denying, suppressing, judging and punishing those parts of myself because I have had the belief that I shouldn't be like this or that I shouldn't be able to do the things that I'm able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize consequence and potential consequential play-outs as a way to keep myself and others in check. I haven't seen, realized, nor understood how by doing this, I am creating even more consequence. The question is for myself: can I live with these consequences I'm creating or can I not live with them? And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have it in mind that all others should be asking themselves the same question as a way to keep themselves in-check so that I don't have to face the reality of this world and my relationship with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear my principles like a Badge of Morality, a show of greatness, and a demonstration of my will - as if it sets me a part and makes me better than those who don't share the same principles. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how making my principles a religion creates an even shittier experience for those who don't share the principles - especially when I am preaching them instead of living them and really getting into opening them up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to externalize the principles that I'm aligning myself with - seeing them as my savior, greater than, or something I must obtain for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate, explore, and open up what I like, why I like it, and how these things have been able to influence me or change me in a moment - where one moment, I am aware and the next moment, I am somewhere else that is not here and considering all things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself. I mean, as I have been walking these points this past week - this is what has become very clear - that I have been suppressing myself with the belief that there is something wrong with how I would like to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my suppression of others in my external world is a reflection of my suppressing myself internally.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from what others are experiencing or living out for themselves by when and as the thoughts come up of, "That is so wrong ... how could they do that? That is highly consequential ... and why are they considering me and everyone else?" I stop and breath. I remind myself of where I was in my mind when in similar living situations - that I was in a moment and not considering the consequences, how it may effect others, or the ripples it may cause. In fact, I had worked it out in my mind how everything that I was doing and all the decisions that I was making were fine and everything would work out just fine. So, here, to remind myself that we have all been equally corrupt and for myself, personally, I have made the decision to stop the corruption with the tools I have available and to no longer expect, dictate, and demand that others walk the same path that I have chosen for myself.

Within this, I commit myself to stop attempting to control how others are living via separation by when and as the points come up that I see are wrong or even unforgivable, I stop, I breath, and I bring this point that's coming up back to myself and look at is self-honestly. I ask myself, "Who am I within this? Why am I telling myself this is wrong? Why have I been telling myself that I cannot live out the same? Why have I been denying that this is separate from me? What am I afraid of?" In this particular case, with the 'unforgivable', I forgive myself, stop being my jailer, let go, and allow myself to explore the unexplored about myself.

I commit myself to stop taking other's life decisions as a personal or intentional attack. I realize that it's my ego stepping in to keep me from connecting with me - who I have accepted and allowed myself to become - so that I do not have the opportunity to sort through it, release myself, and be the creator of myself. So, when and as I see myself taking others life decisions personally or seeing them as an attack, I stop and breath. I redirect myself to applying the point to myself and coming to terms with it as it exists within and as myself as my mind where I have defined myself. I release myself from these points with self-forgiveness and then see what comes up for new ways of seeing and understanding things and go from there - sans ego.

I commit myself to no longer allow my ideas, beliefs and/or morality system to influence my ability to enjoy the things in life or whether or not I will have fun and play around with what is here and available to me. When and as I see these thoughts and judgments come up or I see myself going 'on-guard' in my mind, I stop, breath, and let go. I allow myself to present and get into whatever is that I'm doing at the moment without fear or judgment. Further, I will write out for myself the things that I enjoy so that I can integrate those things into my life for myself.

I commit myself to stop betraying myself with lies and stories about who or what I am by when and as I see myself going into my mind about myself and have a dialogue with myself or imagine a dialogue between myself and others about me, I stop and breath. I remind myself that I am storytelling - and do something like sing, "Storrrrrrrries! Making up stories!" lolol - here, I stop trying to convince myself and others that I'm something special, unique, different, or better than how I actually have been seeing myself in relation to the things coming up that I have defined as negative, wrong, or undesirable.

I commit myself to show that: Yes, the world is shit and yes we created this landfill of shit - however, it is only ourselves that can clean up our shithole mess so obviously, this is going to take some work. We work, we take breaks, sometimes a vacation, and then we go back to work. It is not for us to decide how another cleans up their shit or if they do it all - what has substance is what we do for ourselves. So when the time comes that I meet my maker - The Earth, when I'm dead in the ground, I can say that I did not give into complacency and did not leave pile of shit to add to the already existing piles of shit that were already here. Instead, I will be able to show myself where I have utilized the shit as fertilizer to grow life - an expression without the limitations of a mind.

I commit myself to utilize my being in a fortunate position in this world to be a happy, healthy, educated, and stable human being - and in doing so, nurture and support any means necessary to make sure that ALL can have the same equally. I commit myself to using my education, my talents, and the skills I have developed to planting seeds of life in all this shit so that we can all get to being happy, healthy, stable, and have equal access to realizing our potential via education. I realize that I don't need to beat myself up about this anymore as long as I am doing something about it - then, I'm cool with myself.

I commit myself to stop myself from keeping myself and others 'in-check' from a point of fear. Here, I commit myself to slowing myself down when in communication with myself and others so that I can see what's coming up for movement within me as thoughts and physical reactions. Is what's coming up clear or am I grasping at straws for something to say to try to control the situation? Am I expressing in a moment of understanding or am I searching my data for beliefs, ideas, stories, or words to support my fears which fuel my drive to control?

I commit myself to stop wearing my principles as a Badge - as though they are superior or better than me and others by when and I see that I'm utilizing the principles for judgment and separation, I stop and breath. I realize here that I have often been hiding behind principles and using them to support my Ego rather than integrating them into my living. I will revisit the principles, cross-reference, see where I'm standing, and reassess/readjust as necessary.

I commit myself to open myself up to the possibilities and potentials for myself - I have seen that I have essentially been handed a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' Card - why hold onto it and stay in jail (with the same patterns) if I don't have to? I say this is quite a gift. And realistically speaking, it probably wouldn't have come about (at least not for a loooooong time) if I hadn't been faced with being betrayed. Does it suck? Yep. Does it hurt like a bitch? Oh yeah. Am I grateful? Totally.



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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 24 Dec 2015, 10:40

Day 220: Betrayed - One Gift

http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... -gift.html

One of the coolest things I've seen in myself within this all is how Resourceful I am. As I have walked my relationship with another and not gotten what I saw that I needed, I would find ways to give what I want or need to myself. So, as I expressed what I wanted or needed and my partner was not able to give, I found creative ways to be satisfied with myself. If I was wanting to be physical, I would work out . If I wanted to communicate with others, I would find people to communicate. If I wanted to go out and do things with others, I would make friends. With time, I was able to give myself almost everything. In a way, I see it as a challenge or something new that has yet to be discovered, like, "I want this. I need this. How can I go about getting this? Just how creative can I get here?"

So, when the point came up of walking a betrayal situation and deciding that enough is enough, I was fully equipped. Because I had given myself so much already, the transition was very quick and smooth. In my previous blogs, I have gone into how my life fell apart - and even though there was a part of me that was in fear of the change and the unknown, there was more of me that was stable, solid, and automatically aware of what needed to be done and finding creative ways to do it. For the things that I didn't know how to deal with - the stuff that was coming up in my mind, the overwhelming emotions, and the intense shock of the situation, I had support. For anyone - no matter what situation you are facing - see, you do not have to do this alone. There are people here that can very effectively assist you.

My message here is: When, if, or as you find that you are not satisfied with your situation, look for an test out ways of giving yourself that satisfaction. Be creative. Enjoy the process. Make it a game if you will. I mean, in the end, when it comes down to it, our lives can change in any given moment ... we can in-fact lose everything outside of ourselves and be left with only ourselves. Doesn't it make sense to start doing and giving things for oneself now? The more we do things, the more automatic they become. Prepare yourself.



User avatar
Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 24 Dec 2015, 10:42

Day 221: My God ... these lies
http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... -lies.html


The extent of the lying that I have been faced with over the past weeks has blown me out of the water. In my mind, I can't even process it. I don't have the words ... alls I can say is, 'my god .. oh my fucking god..' I mean, I -really- have not liked taking this point on at all. And I get so angry and have just really wanted to project that anger and blame onto someone else. In awareness, though, I'm here reminding myself of the truth of myself. Face it Carrie. You have been a liar.

In the past, I have said whatever I have to say in order to not be found out. I have been spinning stories, embellishing, twisting facts, and intentionally withholding information - all of this to save myself, to safe face, or to keep things from changing in a way that I would not like. I have seen my lies as worse than any that have been told to me. And it hasn't been just 'then' ... the temptation to lie comes up - it's like, right there, alls I have to do is follow the words - follow the story that I have previously concocted in my mind during imaginary roleplaying.

Predominately, I have found ... and here's the kicker ... that I dislike holding onto secrets. I want to just spill it, be done with it, and move on. However, reality has shown that this can be damaging - to oneself and others. A predicament.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shock when I have been faced with lies - as if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to see lies as something that are happening to me instead of seeing that lying is actually something I have done quite often - it is not something that happens to me, it exists within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my inability to handle the truth of myself in the very way that my mind cannot accept or come to terms with lies. I have not noticed how I have been shutting down self-awareness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize anger as a red-flag for when I'm not being self-honest and have been instead automatically projecting it onto others as something they are doing wrong. And within this, not seeing, realizing, or allowing myself to get into understanding the belief system that I've created about what I'm hearing/seeing as 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing wrong things and within this, to threaten myself with imaginations of what would happen if 'anyone finds out'. Instead of coming clean with myself, letting go, and seeing that I made a mistake that would best not be repeated, I have been holding on to these things and torturing myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my internal information - and the things that go in in my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that 'spilling my secrets' clear me of responsibility because I 'told the truth' and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this idea that if I tell everything that have done and talk about the secret life I have created for myself in mind, that I am absolved of consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my desire/impulse to externalize my confessions instead of confessing to myself with self-forgiveness - and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be SELF-HONEST instead of HONEST.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask myself, "Who am I within the lies and who would I like to be - what is best for me to be?"

I started writing this blog a couple of weeks ago and it looks 'light' to me. Like, the self-forgiveness here doesn't even begin to cut into the anger and hurt that I am experiencing due to being repeatedly and intensely lied to over the past two months and beyond that ... the drawn out lies through the years.



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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 26 Dec 2015, 22:11

Day 222: My God ... these lies - Part 2
http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... art-2.html

This blog is the self-application and self-commitment part of my writing and self-forgiveness process from my previous blog post Day 221: My God ... these lies.

I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting in shock when and as I am faced with lies in regards to the lies I tell myself/told myself and the lies that I am or have been told by when and as I am faced with and/and or hearing lies, I stop and breath until the energy dissipates. I realize that through the years that I have created an automatic physical response to information that doesn't align or match a pattern - that I have automatically been going into fear and within this, injecting myself with adrenaline which makes the experience shocking. So, by breathing, regulating my physical body, and not going into the fear thoughts that are coming up, I commit myself to gradually stop this automatic physical response and thus stop shocking myself.

I commit myself to being aware that the external lies that I am hearing/seeing are not personal and remind myself that what I am hearing/seeing is self-deception being externalized. And within this, I commit myself to when and as I hear/see something that doesn't align, doesn't fit a pattern, and/or is intentionally/unintentionally deceptive - and when I react to it - to breath and mirror it back to myself to support myself to see where I exist within the lie and where it exists within me.

I commit myself to handle the truth of myself and within this, I commit myself to be consistent and disciplined with writing and self-forgiving and thus stop myself from attempting to shut down self-awareness.

I commit myself to utilizing anger as a flag-point for when I am not or have not been self-honest with myself. So, in relation to lies, I commit myself to when and as I am hearing/seeing something that I perceive in my mind as wrong or something that 'people just aren't supposed to do', I will re-direct myself to investigate and deconstruct my belief system.

I commit myself to no longer expect that others purify themselves of lies. And within this, I commit myself to purify myself of lies through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-application. I take responsibility for my transgressions and stop going into stories that I have made up and stop creating new stories as a way of covering up or attempting to save face from what I have accepted and allowed of myself to do/be/become. By living this commitment, I will know that I can trust myself and be honest with myself and others.

And so...

I commit myself to stop judging myself for the decisions and actions made and to thus stop threatening myself with imaginations of what would happen if 'anyone finds out'. Instead of judging, threatening, and punishing, I will write it all out, self-forgive myself, self-correct. So, when this stuff comes up in a given moment, I stop, breath, and remind myself to stop torturing myself as this mind behavior hasn't ever kept me from making decisions that aren't best and has never changed me - in-fact, I realize that it actually triggers and perpetuates existing patterns.

I will utilize my commitments here to support myself to stop my reactions to external information and to stop reactions to the internal information that exists within me as my secret mind.

I commit myself to not go into the temptation of confessing or 'spilling my secrets' to an external source by when and as the urge comes up, I stop, breath, remind myself that what I want - to be able to confess in a safe, solid, and stable 'environment' - can only be done with myself with writing and self-forgiveness. I realize that the idea of external forgiveness is not realistic.




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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 04 Feb 2016, 02:31

Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)
http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... nyway.html

I have been angry with myself for allowing myself to live the way I have for the past 16 years - and doing nothing about it. Always threatening to do something about my situation but never actually going through with it - and because of this, angry at myself for prolonging the inevitable with my hopes and begging an external source for things to change. Looking back, I have been miserable, however, I have overlooked this and instead used and held onto those rare and few moments where everything was okay and sometimes good.

I see that I was afraid that I would regret making a change. In my mind I have been thinking, "Well, what if this gets better? What if things can be more good than miserable? What if I change what I am doing here to get me my desired result?" I'm seeing more and more how the WHAT-IF question as been my downfall and leads me down so many roads that aren't best for me or anyone else.

And then there are the beliefs like, "I need to give this a chance to get better. I need to be stronger. I need to make myself happy or at the very least, make myself appear happy. I need to make myself better and good enough to be worthy of what it is that I would like to accomplish."

What tends to happen with me when I have seen myself working on something and have not seen results is that I have become frustrated and angry. Then, I have been projecting this anger, frustration, and other emotions and blaming external sources to the point of acting it out with words and having temper tantrums - which have been the behavioral patterns of 'snapping', becoming physically erratic, throwing my arms up, pointing fingers, becoming very intense, yelling, and sometimes screaming - and have continually come up for me overtime with no change.

So, I wonder. What is it that I'm actually angry about? Yes, the obvious point that I'm pissed off at myself for putting off something that happened regardless. And the not-so-obvious point (to me anyway) that I have been angry at myself for not changing how I respond to the way that I am living.

Something I noticed today is the voice inside of me that is resentful - resentful that I have been stuck in all this and that I have no freedom to do and make changes as I like - and within this, perceiving that others have the freedom to do and make changes as they would like in self-interest, regardless of what actually needs to be done. I have been in this perceived stuckness and comparing myself to others and seeing in my mind that they are so lucky, so much better off than me and the backchat, "Must be nice ..." And oh man, in this, I have actually physically burned with anger, rage and hatred.



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Carrie
Posts: 694
Joined: 04 Jul 2011, 09:23
Location: Bucksport, Maine USA

Re: Carrie's Journey To Life

Postby Carrie » 04 Feb 2016, 02:37

Day 225: Why Didn't I Do Something About It?
http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogsp ... about.html

Self-Forgiveness for Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for allowing myself to live, for a very long time, in the way that I have been and for doing nothing about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on about, draw out, and/or threaten to do something about a situation that wasn't best for years instead of making the move to actually change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for prolonging the inevitable. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not making the move to change my situation much earlier when I had started to become aware that what I was living with/in/as was really fucked up and not cool at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and bitter at myself and others for me begging externally for my situation to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be miserable for as long as I did - not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that being miserable is fine for a moment to support myself to make changes - and not a long-term solution where I had accepted it as 'wear for the road' and had come to believe that being miserable is normal - a sort of sacrifice of self for the greater good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the times when things were 'good' or 'okay' - getting myself caught up in the polarity of 'this is shit' but 'it's good sometimes too'. Bouncing back and forth instead of slowing myself down and facing what has been underneath it: a fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'What if ...' thoughts to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when things aren't going well, as I would want, or as I had expected - and for having held on to the anger and frustration and allowing it to accumulate into Rage instead of self-forgiving it in the moment and the moments that the same patterns have played out in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, with this accumulated anger, frustration, and rage, to act out with temper tantrums. become physically erratic, throw my arms up, point fingers, become intense, yell, and scream - not seeing that this is not an actual release of the accumulated emotions, only makes things worse, and conditions me to allow the behavior again - each time, going into it quicker than the last.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to change how I am responding to the situations that come up in my daily living - and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and frustrated with myself for my responses that aren't cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become miserable and dissatisfied with myself and how I am not responding in way that is supportive for me and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous and resentful of others whom I have been perceiving as having freedom to do as they like, the ability to adapt and/or bounce back from bad situations, and easily make changes for themselves - and get caught up in this - instead of seeing that Freedom, Adaptability, and Change are words and ways of being that have yet to be defined and lived by myself - and to stop what I am doing with the reactions and work on that.




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