Jozsef's Journey to Life

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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 11 Sep 2017, 21:21

https://talamon.wordpress.com/2017/09/1 ... -vs-facts/
Stabilizing within Self-forgiveness.

Continuing from yesterday’s blog.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to fall into fear of loss and doubt experience and started to judge myself as ‘I did not do all what I could for what I committed myself to accumulate’ and within that believing that if I doubt, fear – that obviously means that I did not do everything I could, all I did was not good enough and not real, thus it’s no question that my experience of ‘fear and doubt’ is right and true, thus my judgement of myself is righteous, the justification for my fear, doubt and worry to accept is righteous, thus I give into the instability and fear.

Writing this very sentence down right now to see this pattern in front of me for the first time in my life – is invaluable.

I am grateful to be able to see this point. Never this clearly before. This is why I not just write my blog at home under the bed, but SHARING it, as this process is effective.

Facing self, points, reactions, fears, understanding the patterns I and my mind and body constitute as one and equal to be able to stop participating within self-dishonesty is the very essence of the Process of Self-honesty, referred as Journey to Life. From Consciousness system to Living Awareness.

Continuing with the actual pattern: It’s like how polarity works – specifically positive thinking. It’s just one tiny, singular miss-step, one moment of a thought self-defined as negative is enough to infest my whole positivity and fall into it – thus proving the whole thing to be just a façade, a mirage. My relationship with the point yes, but in terms of accumulated consequences? Not necessarily!

It’s like the whole Process of finding out and start living as Self-honest, first at moments, then more moments, and then to be able to move and interact like that, to correct in real time, and then if I make mistake, or even I feel I have failed, fallen, I go back to the basics and write more, apply more self-forgiveness, understand further and specify, not only with writing, but sounding, to resonate the voice, to hear if there is any doubt, reaction, association, to look there too, to clarify, further specify and cross-reference until to the utmost specificity and see all clearly.

And even if one walks this process since years, can be ‘fucked up’ for a moment, or even for an hour – but then – the whole process already walked is not disappearing, oh no!

I re-align, I ground myself back here and I continue walking, no matter what, who I am is not a choice, or if it is, I am still figuring out what it means, what are the potentials, of who I can be, thus it’s actually never done, but expanding day by day, moment by moment. Thus never allow a fear or doubt to make you believe that can invalidate true commitment, real dedication to become principled with all life!

In relation to my doubt and fear – I know that I have been pushing a point since months consistently, every single day, not literally sure that I did ALL I could do as there could not have been done BETTER – but who I was every day, according to that, I pushed myself to the limits.
Thus, to doubt myself, or to anyone doubt me within the actual application is actually irrelevant – yet if I can be fallen into worry, fear based on anyone’s opinion – then it’s my doubt within myself and nothing to do with anyone else but self here.

‘Irrelevant’ maybe not in totality if the person is relevant in my life, but in terms of giving into doubt and fear – completely.

It still can be that my actual communication, interaction, sharing can be adjusted, aligned, improved – yet I have to be able to see what is good, what is not, and there is no such thing that ‘all of myself, altogether is full of shit’ – specify, document, cross-reference everything and practical understanding prevails.

If I look into myself, I directly see, understand and realize that I had no singular doubt, except that day I have explained in my previous blog, and within that point and emotional reaction’s nature, I also revealed that it was not really a single doubt, but a consequence of energetic reactions, somewhat related to my actions, yet it’s not related to my commitment, action and direction.

The doubt was also partly of the extent of ‘leap of faith’ – ‘vulnerability’ and facing Unknown – and how else could I fear the Unknown, as I have already some idea and imagination about it? Thus it’s not real, the doubt is not valid. Thus I saw that point, I re-align and I move forward. I should not judge myself, a child when learns walking or talking, also does not give up, does and does and does until it’s done, fact, here.

Thus I recognize that I should trust action and facts, movement and direction, and even if for a moment I allow myself to be mesmerized by ANY fear – I shall look facts, action and direction, focus to movement and realize that if I invalidate all I have already done by any kind of fear, then I should not judge the whole being of myself and all what I have done, as if I follow the spiral of emotion, the energy, the storm, the instability, uncertainty, sadness and doubt – but to immediately ANCHOR myself back to the physical and be the EYE of the storm and to see what directly feeds this fear point, and my relationship with it.

Instead of looking of the effects, the storm, the energy, the e-motion – to look the trigger point, the judgement, the mental relationship I feed with thoughts, feelings and emotions and to see how it’s been created – how I am creating and how to STOP it; to see what to do to prevent it, so that next time it would arise – I don’t participate, thus the storm does not inflate as I let it go, I forgive, I change, I re-align and focus to practical common sense and action.

I have the tendency to connect, to share, the need for living response-ability – but first and foremost it’s within and in relation to self here.

As to create Heaven on Earth starts with self here – Everyone is so confused and doubtful about how to make Earth a better place – it’s so damn simple but no one is looking, walking, living it, because the actual Hell we can clean up is within and as SELF, which is at the limit or even beyond of our ability to direct, because of how we give this permission to the mind every single day.

Any thought of doubt, fear, worry, judgement, anger or hate, desire or disgust – hope or despair – if it’s in the mind, if it makes me feel moods and ups and downs – it’s EGO – the MIND, and there are techniques to understand and be able to deal with it. Anyone can do it, even a child or a very-very old person as well. It’s not technological, not spiritual, not religious, it’s common sense – and based on the most powerful mathematical equation – 1+1 = 2.

Accumulation – that’s Give as you would like to receive – consistent application is the key, with self-change as well.

And be aware that even for a moment you start to question and doubt yourself, as it’s the EGO’s nature to trick and con – look at the facts, the action you have done, the accumulation, the structure, the plan, the reality-awareness, thus can’t get caught with the temptation of energetic storms to blow you around, like a kite in the wind.

Anyone can judge you, usually it’s yourself who judges self the most, but when someone else does – still should not fall into the doubt, unless the accusation is valid.

I used to think – if anyone doubts me or says something about me, it must be true, thus I just went into self-introspection, self-worry, self-doubt mode – and it’s better indeed to check what the other person refers as might be true. But until I do not actually see with practical common sense, there is no place for doubt.

And if there is ‘room for improvement’, as the other indicated – it’s awesome, gratefulness, as now I am more aware than I was, thus it’s supportive.

Just I have to be really-really self-honest in this – to not just say to myself ‘ah, what the other said to me/about me is just bullshit, I am so cool, no way’ – and then usually there is justification: ‘because blah blah’ – so then I use that justification to seal my denial of the information I got – AFTER I rejected it, AFTER I reacted to it. Not self-honest!

Thus – I stand here, no doubt, no fear – still aligned, still in direction – and anyone judges me or doubts me – that can be about the person as well actually, but better to be aware of what’s going on within myself all the time. And the more I am aware of what I participate within, how I do, what I do – the less ‘time’ I need to ‘check’ if what the other says is true or not – yet never get to the point of automatically reject anything or get overconfident, but to stay humble and grateful.

For instance at university somehow it was a habit among my friends to say ‘you son of a bitch’ – just in my native language its more insulting, as the literal translation is ‘your mother is a whore’ – yet when I was told to – I felt really insulted and got really angry, and then I realized – My mother is not a whore, and even if she would be, which is not the case, why would I be automatically triggered to lose my temper and head? Does not make sense. Still obviously mirrors the other’s lack of respect and ability for compassion and decency, that’s al-right. Yet it’s not if I lose myself into an emotional storm, whenever anyone says such.

Another example: I have been participating within some job interviews – and there was rejection, not one, not two – and I also had the ‘choice’ to decide – if I feel bad or not – and if I look back – I see what I have already walked in terms of my profession – thus did not ‘break me down’ – yet, also realized that there is place for improvement, thus I should focus to that and move forward. Naturally. So that’s more practical, instead of fall into the despair and doubt, to focus to reality – where I came from, what I have done, how I have done it, and what I am going to do next and how. Simple. Always. If not, then that’s the ego, the mind, the manifested systematic reflection of accumulated self-dishonesty of mine just mirroring me who I accept myself to be. Until I stand up and stop and actually change.

So, sharing this process, this blog, is also not just statements to the world, anyone and everyone is welcome to give feedback, even telling me I am just wrong, and thus I can also check and learn!
Anyone can conclude based on misunderstanding, even myself – and if I realize it, I correct my statement, myself and live according to that realization.

In a way, that is why difficult to change for many people who are so infused into some belief-systems, religion, spirituality, or any kind of conviction – especially if there are human relationships, or even money involved – to admit that I have been wrong for two – three – six decades might not be easy – as I have had with my spiritual beliefs, buddhism and many more convictions already. I do not need anything but to become honest with myself in each moment equally – and for that to decompose the patterns my mind constitutes – words – energetic experiences, relationships – this process works.

Anyone states ‘It’s not my type of thing, or style – fine – I never even considered if this is my style ever – I just do as it works’. Just be sure not to listen to excuse and justification.

If anyone could show me that there is a better way than writing and applying self-forgiveness in written, said aloud and lived in action to become more aware and to support actual change – I am open – but I am aware of that this works, this blog is my movement, since 2008 – all I shared stands here as proof of what I have walked and the direction I am keep walking.

So that’s about it for today and thank you very much for being here today!

Links to understand more and support to grow:

EQAFE.COM
BLOGS AND VLOGS
DIP Free Online self-change support course



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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 07 Oct 2017, 23:29

https://talamon.wordpress.com/2017/10/0 ... e-of-loss/

Some time ago I have been facing Sadness and Loss extensively and it can be real tough to walk through.

I’d like to share my experiences, realizations and the support I’ve been receiving from others and also giving to myself, thus being able to pull myself together from the shocking experiences of loss and extreme sadness to actually realize my mistakes and being able to take responsibility and move towards correction.

The whole drama could have been completely avoidable and got a real taste of what happens if accepting a fear within me instead of effectively dealing with myself, and thus started to manifest what I feared from.

With Desteni Process tools, applying Self-forgiveness and taking full responsibility for everything I experienced or did and did not do, I was able to correct my perceptions and stop manifesting irreversible consequences of my reactions, mistakes, but it certainly was a lesson for life.

Also sharing the unique and exceptional potential within Self-forgiveness as ‘demonstrating’ here the various type of ‘self-support’ I was able to apply towards directly to the difficulties in front of me for assisting and supporting myself to direct practical solution.

In fact, I was not entirely aware of with how and what ‘strategy’ I applied Self-forgiveness at points at hand – I just did however I saw practically supporting, and much later, after days, when I did read back what I wrote throughout the days, I have realized that there was actual structure, levels of understanding and a sort of direction.

It’s absolutely mind-blowing to realize that Process works on so many levels with self, that it’s the best tools/skill-set/expression I have ever got introduced to apply and start living. Especially at difficult situations, I see that I am more effective, self-trusting, less dramatic and thus more relaxed in comparison to the person I was ten years ago. Gratefulness!

In short, the story is that I reacted to someone close to me’s action with an unbalanced, emotional, kind of blaming email, although it might had some points to ponder, but how it was written and what was the ‘vibe of it’, the person said this is not cool, good bye and I saw this as final and I fell into a completely petrifying loss and sadness.

The experience of the loss of the person being very close to me was very sudden, I did not expect it, my email(or my intention) in a way was kind of trying to cry out that something is not cool, but was not gentle or really direct and how the other person reacted and behaved I was worried of to be completely final, and as I was already busy with my emotions, on top of that with this fear of loss and sadness, I just fallen into reactions completely. Does not matter for how many years a person walks Self-support or Awareness – one moment of self-dishonesty can be enough to fall completely back – so never get too confident – but to remain humble and diligent!

It was quite shocking and took some time to be able to step out from this experience and put on the responsibility shoes, and this post is the process of that.

So, starting with overall description, then going to various steps towards being able to take responsibility and realizing the potential to change and correct myself.

What was very effective from the start is to realize the importance to keep moving, meaning if I interact, focus to general, every day commitments and responsibilities, I am busy and things need my full attention, such as discussing problem and solution at work, driving through fast traffic or working hard for hours.
Then I do not have much time to be Sad. Thus realizing – in a way – Sadness is a decision, but I did not know that back then.

When things slowed down, or I had my ‘me’ moments, or I stopped after a tiresome day, I kept going back to the ‘sadness’ energetic mind-spiral experience.
Coming home, to do my routine things alone, that was very challenging and the more I fell into sadness, the less I was body-aware – meaning to feel it’s needs, such as hydrating, eating, to handle cold or warm, etc.

Crying was option, but not always really ‘available’ as ‘action’ – just often got wet eyes and my breath became stuttered, although for me this ‘activity’ was never easy. Not as I would willingly cry, but even when most people would consider as relief or as self-expression, due to my extensive self-suppressing personality design from my past, this has always been a differentiating point for me in relation how others might behave.

What happened was a kind of cry in slow-motion but never reaching it’s full open state, so did not give a ‘release’.
By watching some specific TV-series – I was more emotionally reactive and here and there were actual cry for some seconds. For instance Twin peaks – the songs in them – or previously within the Leftovers series – had huge impact on me.

The most significant point is to realize that eventually the sadness and experience of loss will pass and I DECIDE how:

I deal with it within absolute self-honesty: to see what lead me here where I am, what I did wrong, why, how can I take responsibility for all of my part and to ensure in next similar situation to prevent what I learned from my mistakes
I suppress, distract, justify, blame or even forget and in a way I close down and hope for the best, for that in next similar situation I will do better, but I do not have full understanding, neither self-correction ‘prepared’, and also I will have this event’s memory as a splinter in my mind to always re-associate to worry from as a possible outcome
It was obvious that I choose the first. Especially with the fact that I did the second many times ago already, and I know where it leads: more confusion, doubt and fear, blame and delusion, so no, thanks, not again.

I have the tendency to suppress emotional reactions, to just ‘swallow’ anything of negative emotions and obviously accumulating in the background and thus most of the time I acted like I am totally fine.
I also got suggestion from my DIP PRO online course buddy, to indeed, give into the experience of loss, it’s OK to feel it, but also to remain present, anchored to and within body- and here-awareness. BTW – when walking the course of DIP PRO – one has this seasoned, awesome person to chat with not only about the lessons, the course material, the mind, but in a way it’s personal life-coaching with the starting point of self-honesty and the person is someone who already walked through quite some mind-constructs and delusions, emotional storms, thus basically a person, who walk what talks as well and that is an invaluable support to anyone I am certain of.

After some time (days) I was able to ‘not go there’ – where sadness and the experience of loss ‘grew’ – but at uncaught moments I still kept ‘returning’, even – and it’s maybe my own specific style – to jump into the full sadness, like to put my head out from the trains window and the wind, sound, everything is like BAAAAAAAA, but in the next moment, back to be here in silence again.

Well, this obviously ‘generated’ some energetic experience, a mood, a tension, an emotion, what was not ‘thought’ anymore, but through this a kind of sadness, depression and crappy experience flew through me.

What I have realized that ‘I have to go there’ – when I am present, directive, ‘not sad’ but empty and be able to apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness.

It’s OK to be empty after loss – as feeling an aspect of self is gone, so to be with that emptiness with myself – it’s very profound yet calm expression.
Then to go into the experience again, but with direction to ‘clean house’.

It was still difficult to bring it up directly, basically to ‘walk into hell’ – but to do it with Self-forgiveness it is kind of quantitative self-liberation, to forgive each and every single point I encounter within myself as taking responsibility for all I feel, experience and also for all I did, and to see where to I progress, process and move, to dig deeper, to get to the origin/source point of my feel of loss and sadness, what circumstances and actions lead me here where I am now.

Within walking it, faced some blame as well, but I unconditionally forgive myself for whatever I experience and I keep doing it until I know and understand everything, all written here in front of me and I am empty, and be able to see all yet not react, nothing.
Blame is an obvious indication of self-disempowerment, cowardice and hiding behind energetic experiences, justified with self-dishonesty, thus it’s actually cool: whenever it pops up – then I must forgive each aspect of it.

I did write several days(after work, in the morning) about this, and each day I accumulated self-direction and became more and more ‘comfortable’ to face the sadness, the loss, my mistakes, my shame and regret with more and more clarity of what I should not do again in order prepare, support and direct myself to avoid making the same mistakes, what I realized that lead to the experience of losing the person from my perception, words, and action’s perspective.

And that’s all I can do, really – I can’t change what has happened, how the other would feel, see or react to me – that’s DONE.

It’s a profound realization, tough one. Manifested consequences remain. Period. Better to prevent unwanted things, seriously. Should be a lesson for all, some things cannot be changed. Ever. Yet do not fall into the self-mind-trickery of being dragged down it’s own self-created seriousness. That’s to forgive for myself. To give to myself a chance. To really change. Does not mean not to take seriously, but not with another layer of emotional swamp, but practicality and effective self-direction.

To let that heaviness to go, all I can do is to release and change, as is not my power, responsibility or consideration from the point of how the other will decide to experience, say or act.

Maybe will never speak with me again, maybe will, I really wished for the second- but within self-responsibility moment, does not matter, I walk self-forgiveness, anything comes up, unconditionally I apply: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, because of our relationship has ended, because of my emotional instability and fear of loss, blame, lack of considering the other.

The actual story in short: In a way, I was realizing that it’s not the same as was, my experience was that our bond was fading and after some attempts to communicate about it, I just felt powerless for a moment and I reacted with fear, which then caused the other to just let it all go including me. There were another dimensions also, but from this perspective, that’s it. Well, this was not final, and we could still ‘save us’ as we did meet and agreed to continue our relationship, but I did not know that back then, so I just reacted big time.

I am going to share (in the next post) some of the first Self-forgiveness sentences I wrote to start supporting myself, and it’s also noticeable that in the beginning it still might ‘contain’ reference to other, in a somewhat hidden blame or justification and my responsibility taking might not start with absolute self-honesty.
It’s OK, usually I do not share such things, but this is here a ‘process’ I share and this is how I perceived in-between the emotional reactions.

It’s a process, so sharing here as example of ‘refinement’, especially when someone is in big emotional instability, rather just start and move, thrive for be absolutely self-honest, but sometimes where is my ‘location’ (in terms of self-honesty) is still within influences of mind-constructs of fear, blame and it’s core, source is maybe deeper in my mind, thus I have to ‘dig myself further’ with self-forgiveness, through the layers of justifications and blame, excuses and fear to being able to absolutely taking responsibility for all I can.

It also can be OK not to apply self-forgiveness ‘perfectly’ at first, in the sense of still allowing some ‘mind-tentacles’ to refer others, focusing to surface of the experiences, events, etc – nobody is professional in this, including myself, after a decade, when being in reaction – this is a proof here – basically I had to start Process from scratch.

What I mean ‘not perfectly’, well, not deliberately, obviously, just I know from my own experiences that I can go into ‘self-judgmental mode’ – and when I start doing/applying something and seeing it is not perfect, to just shut it down and say ‘not good enough’ – and sacrificing opportunity to grow and learn on the altar of an idea.

Maybe it’s part of the self-healing process to admit that, yes, I blame, I am angry, I am furious, I am disappointed, although it is equally important to realize that these are self-sabotage patterns, so never to stop and accept to remain there, as these are indications of self-dis-empowerment and actually delusions to self-correct. It does not necessarily mean that I am always the one who did wrong only in general – but it’s to ensure that I never jump onto the blame-wagon ever, as that is not self-correction.

Not in my case, but can occur that someone was really nasty and evil-ish and my conclusion should be by practical common sense to avoid the another person, but still: my reactions are my responsibilities. Hate is quite a havoc on my own body to expose it for that energetic experience – never worth it. So better to forgive myself and let it go and focus to what’s next.
Well, in my case – usually and here again – was self-judgement and anger towards myself on why I could not hold or just again ‘suppress’ my emotional instability, but I had to forgive for myself to be able to look beyond and focus to actual solutions with myself and the communication with other as well.

Just noting it as when reading other’s self-honesty and self-forgiveness blog, never compare it with how you feel or observe yourself doing as everyone’s process is different.
What’s extremely important still is to constantly push the limits of myself and see if I am absolutely self-honest, and how can I find practical solutions for changing the situation within me, in reality to a solution, which is best for all participants.

I will continue in the next post as realized this is getting quite long.

Take care and breathe, slow down within and embrace the pure essence of what you feel and realize: it’s OK to spend time with yourself and just breathe again, to observe, not judge, take time and you can see: sadness and feeling down is not that powerful, only when you start to follow thoughts, emotions – indicating that you want to give in, maybe as a self-punishment by regret or shame or fear of unknown or change – once you name it, can be more obvious on how to move forward.



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jozsef
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 15 Oct 2017, 22:35

https://talamon.wordpress.com/2017/10/1 ... rgiveness/

Continuing with the realizations and self-correction of my process of suppression, emotional outburst, followed with sadness and loss experience.

For context, this is my last post, where started to open up my emotional and blaming fear.

These Self-forgiveness sentences are what I wrote first – notice that in overall the point I apply self-forgiveness to is my experiences, how I feel, and still blaming the other in somewhat hidden way to justify how I feel:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, confused, anxious and somewhat traumatized as she rejected and left me, removed my contact from social networks and basically burned up all bridges to even reconnect. (was not true, but I felt like in that time)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid to put out so much trust, work, hope and expectation to the future with a person who with we had great experiences and plans, but in reality it turned out to be not lasting, and I see the tendency to go into self-judgement and doubt and not realizing that it’s not only myself who is responsible for what is happening, but both of us and I have no influence, power, or even actual understanding of what the other thought, felt as was not mutual sharing since quite some time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to open up and communicate with me within my belief that it’s also her commitment that solve any conflict or misunderstanding within herself and ourselves as well, and within seeing the lack of it myself to become very direct and not considering that I stopped sharing gentleness and kindness, because of feeling hurt and fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution, simplicity and common sense to want to process, solve, remove and transcend, while in fact there is initiative and opportunity to MOVE and DIRECT, EXPRESS and LIVE, and wanting to wallow into experiences and then wanting to clean myself up instead of just – not going “there”, but to start doing something which is here in my direct reality, meanwhile if I am distracted or not present, I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement, self-commitment to come back here and let go the strive to go into conflict and judgement again and again and again, which is fear of letting go, even the fear itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself today as I had a laugh within which I was forgetting what happened, happens with me and then saying to myself ‘well, I should not feel good, horrible things just happened, so let’s just go back to be sad’ – and within that not realizing the self-abuse and self-punishment.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got obsessive with reading my emails I send to the other to clarify or try to open up and communicate about points I saw as relevant to discuss about, while the other as communicated, ‘got shocked’ and completely shut down and decided to immediately end any contact with me, which then shocked me as well.
Writing already supported – to slow down, to not only decide but actually do start to forgive and correct myself, thus it’s really important to do it as soon as possible, instead of just fall into storms of emotions, which eventually everyone will realize – kind of waste of time and totally uncool experience. So when I wrote this, I was able to see that this is just the surface and going to continue with (for)-giving myself the understanding to see it more clearly and to realize of what could have done better.

I literally give for myself the opportunity to own all of my past, present and future.

And I move from what I did towards why I did:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt within the other not wanting to communicate with actual calls, but only with texting while I kept missing and longing for actual voice calls, and even when asked for it the other refused to do so and especially feeling hurt in the fact that after all of what we went through together, she did not even bother to tell me in call, just writing me good bye letter without asking or clarifying further. And within all of this focusing only to my feelings, not considering how she could have felt or experienced within this and also not considering that probably it’s the best she sees she can do now and I should respect it, understand it as if I would be in her place and would want to just end it all, then this was very effective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up or directly communicate when I already noticed the change within the nature of our communication and I thought that maybe I overreact, maybe it’s just me missing out, being lonely, while all I did was suppressing the point, not communicating, not purifying from within as well, so now cannot be known if it was relevant, practical or fear-related consideration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood and hurt when the other states that she thinks that I am within this relationship for profit and benefit plus advantages and within that realizing that what she perceives of me is completely different from how I experience or perceive, and within that trying to share my starting point to ensure that the other understands it, to be able to let go this fear but within that taking her worry personally and wanting to speak spicy or emotionally charged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I had, experienced or hoped for was ‘true and real love’ – meanwhile not realizing that it was my hope and desire and I wanted to see it within the thing I was participating in my mind and when I felt it did burst as a bubble with the ‘good bye email’ – I experienced confusion and sadness, as seeing my bubble burst and to see what’s real behind it – myself with my hope and fear of loss – and focusing to the loss of what was not real – as I could have instead of seeing what is here, and still remains real within this all: the movement, the expansion, and still the possibility to step up, own and correct it and also the dedication and mistakes, the missed opportunities, to keep learning, changing and growing.
Next day I was writing again, starting with overall experiences and then right into self-forgiveness.

Also possible to expand towards understanding the other participant’s view, experiences, motivation, action with Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to look to the other person’s view, who might saw this as too heavy drama, blame and expectation, to be too busy and demanding, emotional and untrustworthy, and within that not realizing that the things I write indeed indicated that I am disappointed, frustrated and uncertain, meanwhile in fact wanted to communicate that this is what I am currently working through and it might not have to be shared but within that to see the hope I try to rely to, of ‘what if’ I could have not sent that email, then all would be fine, and not realizing that the very existence of that email was actual consequence of all not being fine in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and fight for get back what I feel losing, and not letting it go unconditionally and focus to what is in front of me, here in this moment, today.
I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness and I expand, I grow and focus on releasing this emotional charge from my human physical body and with that also to practically learn and become able to let this go and focus to what’s here, what’s next and not go into desire, hope, sadness or fear and whenever would go – to realize it was the other persons’ decision, thus I trust that it is the best for her which indeed, in fact always was, and will be a priority to respect and support.
On the upcoming day I was able to more and more focus to the sadness experience with prevention and correction, and started to anchor myself further back here with the support of previously ‘walked’ realizations.

I commit myself to stop blaming, I commit myself to stop feeling sad, I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I have done or have not done and I commit myself to focus to what’s ahead, here, next, present.
I commit myself to make effort understand the other part’s motivation, experience and understanding.
I commit myself to anchor myself into and as physical presence with clear and effective, self-directed and practical mind.
I commit myself to communicate with gentleness and the way I would like to be communicated to.
I commit myself to recognize the effect of acting based on fear as manifesting it, thus to stop participate within any fear and to stop, forgive, write it down, remember it and recognize the trigger points, the existing self-dishonest relationships with specific words within my mind to be aware of, work with and be able to disengage, release.
These were just samples of the actual written Self-forgiveness, as some are personal points, and some are kind of repetitive, but further specification of the personal points to understand further and more precisely.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ask the question what I am missing here, why I am surprised, what I can do to solve this in the way I really want – which is to correct myself, let go emotions and fear and focus to what can be done to make the other become aware that I made mistake which I am really correcting and thus offering her to re-consider her decision about our communication and relationship.
Eventually I was able to write a letter to the person wherein I take responsibility for all I did and what I have done wrong and why from my perspective, how should I have done and also to express my gratitude and respect for all we shared and grew together.

The other person recognized the process I have walked, also opened up additional points to share with me about the whole topic we ‘danced around’ and she also explained that there are things what better to keep to self as maybe it’s temporally, yet the pain what can cause with sharing would remain.

Very wise. Indeed, really learned the lesson and committing myself not do do this again – with anyone: to put out my doubt, worry, fear as emotional storm. My responsibility to clarify within self first, then to see what’s supportive and how to share that. So.
Also possible, if both parties are agreeing to – by recognizing – ‘hey, this and that is emerging, we should clarify things – in respective sharing and motivation’. Big difference, which I did not apply as I focused to my experiences of reacting to what I got back as feedback, and within that – I saw my fear within and I got afraid even further when seeing exactly the one thing happening, what I was afraid of – not by coincidence, but my ‘attitude’. Important to realize – when things seem dire and totally uncool – I might see my fear projected out and still there are things to do, or at least to try – instead of stopping to move, express, share and live – to just storm emotions within until they take over and I sit onto the blame-train to just rush, wherever it’s rails would lead me to.

On the next day I continued to open up sadness – and the overwhelming experience of it – as it was kind of a fear of loss, a give up – not real give up – just a momentary emotion took over and until the energy lasted, I was trying to cope with the loss I perceived – but all was not real – and had to realize that sadness is OK for a moment, if it’s an expression, a living direction – but as an experience, an emotion, a mood – it’s just self-dishonesty.

What is ‘dangerous’ here is that within that fearful experience – I perceive that it is real, and based on that I react and act – and thus I solidify my relationship with a perception, which might not be real, but the more I participate within this pattern, the more it actually becomes. This is a key to each human to recognize about fear. I manifest my worst fear if I give into it.

It is Self-manipulation and Self-sabotage. Thus to forgive this too is common sense:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I allow sadness, as an emotion, a mood to cloud me – it’s not self-expression, it’s not self-direction, self-movement, but it’s a give up, a doubt, a failure due to fear experience, due to self-judgement, which is self-dishonest, and instead of investing into reactions, emotions, rather to still look to what I can do to correct my mistakes or if not, then to ensure how never to make them again and to move on.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness and loss experience is a form of giving up, accepting what I perceive as final, because in a pattern of reality, I see my fear to manifest and I react to my fear, superimposed to facts, thus I cannot see what’s here, and within that give up – I give into the opposite of my utmost potential, justified with the perception of already seeing what can happen as worst, and not looking to see options to change the outcome, and within that not asking why not.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up and become sad about it, and not being honest about it with myself that I am actually sad, because I give up and I am powerless about giving up, and feeling the thing I fear losing as lost, meanwhile it’s only lost within my perception of inflated fear in my mind, and in this sense, I give up what’s real to manifest my fear.
I forgive myself hat I have not realized that if I react with sadness – it means I am giving into the self-acceptance of powerlessness, thus it’s an indication of self-dishonesty and the need to step back and re-align with absolute self-honesty to see: it’s not about the other person, but about my giving up and trying to do it as I don’t know about it but if I really slow down within and look at it – I can discover, understand that all I experience, feel, react to and do or don’t do – all: I do, myself.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way as I give into give up and sadness, I also can direct myself to stop lye to myself and start becoming honest, no matter how brutal it might feel, but the first step is to align with reality and facts, and all the pain and reaction of suffering I go through meanwhile – is the realization of how much I took refugee within delusions.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have blamed the other, projected doubt and fear to other, meanwhile with my sadness and un-named giving up experience, I was, who went into doubt and used the other’s behavior to justify this and feed into my fear, so then I can keep fearing to lose what is important.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my decision to stand, to do, to act – is only myself and whatever and whenever I experience any emotional reaction – is all my responsibility – noone can make me disappointed, but myself, and within this to realize that I am not aware of how I am actually responsible for each and every single inner reaction and outer action I experience, participate within or express.
I can do whatever I want, but if I lie to myself – my whole life becomes a lie – everyone can have relationship with anyone, but if they lie to themselves in any way whatsoever meanwhile, that’s their responsibility – with themselves first – as then that is manifested in relation not only self but to the other as well, and then to blame is easy, but hurtful and actually not fair as all starts and stops with self.

Also the ‘I do whatever I want just never to lie to myself‘ – might sound like some Ayn Rand type of egoistic individualist rant – but in fact not, as if I am really-really honest with myself – I can’t lie about the fact of if I do bad things to others, then it’s in overall bad – which by I mean that I would not like to be done to myself for instance and as we are living in a closed system, everything goes around and only the uneducated minds do not realize that. So yes, I can do whatever I want, but also considering others as me as equals – otherwise I am not honest, but on a fake mind-trip. Equals, in the sense of walking same process, just with different situations, points, advantages, disadvantages, but the same type of Self-honesty we all face and should live.

That’s why everyone should be absolutely and very specific about to be honest with self all the time! That’s much more difficult than it sounds due to the preconditioning and imprinting of spoiled civilization norms and the accumulated consequence of endless times existing within self-dishonesty.

In a way, that’s why Process comes first – how would I want to love anyone until I can’t understand and live love to the person, who is always here: myself. I can ‘practise’ – ‘study’, ‘test’ and ‘learn’ how to understand and support this person, who is always here – with me: myself. Relationship with self – sounds weird at first – but if we look at it – everyone already has relationship with their mind, body for instance.

If I direct every movement, every word, if I write, keep diary/blog, to decompose mind-patterns and to decide what is supportive, what is not, what to expand with, what to stop: That’s practical love. Loving self is not ego, neither selfishness – those who are full of ego or ‘themselves’ – they are not really loving themselves, they are lost in the echo chamber of their mind, resulting with losing real connection, real empathy, real response-ability with others – that is not love, that is just evolution of the mind with the starting point of fear.

So, when being in relationship with someone – in a way – does not matter what type of relationship – to take responsibility for myself, to be able to stand – first – and then to share and care what’s relevant – thus literally expand myself with the same principles – well, technically, there is no separation then – as just self-expansion within living this practical, real, grounded, ‘physical’ love.

Physical, meaning cross-referenced with facts, actual, in this world, system-support. Not meant physical love as sex – although that also can be part of it, but in a very specific type of relationship. Just mentioning this not to be misunderstood of the phrase ‘physical love’.
It means practical, grounded, reliable, stable and clear – just like the matter around us, or our body, the breath – in relation to the mind – this is good start to cross-reference to assist and support with self-directing letting go delusions, fears, convictions, beliefs.

Taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cleaning the toilet, or taking initiative on something around the living area, house and own the responsibility reliably, to get problems or things to do from the other and solve it by myself, to remain consistent, to not get moody, to be able to listen and notice small things – these are just examples on what one can find about physical love – action on earth, what matters.

When one does not get immediate emotional energetic stimulation reward for things to do, those things are what can be de-prioritized, judged as inferior, mundane, not enjoyable – but its not true. Its all in my head and I can re-align perception to whats really best for all participants – in the house, family, etc. It’s the actual details one has to go into to find out what practical love could really mean, not the emotional love drama as in the movies. In the movies they don’t even go to toilet(or if they do, get killed probably in a morbidly strange way) — its not real 🙂 , but what I do today, here is.

See – it’s tough – maybe just for me, maybe for others too – to engage on decomposing and re-defining the word love, especially as I have quite some years already with experiences, mistakes, falls, stand ups, memories, of some I have already walked with Self-forgiveness to change in relation to – and towards some: not yet and definitely going to – directly or just would come up in relation to some situation.

After all, I was able to apologize to the other person for my doubt, my fear, my worry and wanting attention and clarification, guarantee and to cling onto feelings and energies and to stick to practical living – it always depends on the type of relationship people are within, and in this situation: what we agreed on, what we meant by that, how we felt about it, what did we share about it and what we actually did.

Also important point – did she acted the best way possible? Could she also have extended to ‘save’ this? Certainly. It was up to her and was overwhelmed with extremely important things thus in that moment decided not to. It’s ok. This process here is about what I can take responsibility for and as I go along the way – I trust myself on what I accept and allow within my relationship – with myself – and other too. And in this sense, it’s my decision if I am still ok with her stepping out from this. I mean, if would be no mutual support and commitment and real action towards solutions and growth, then I’d obviously re-evaluate my commitment. Just sharing this point to others about when if someone would face a relationship what does not seem supportive at all and not everyone stands on the same side so to speak.

But here with this person I reacted and worried about, we do stand on the same side, and had to learn about expanding communication and self-responsibility this way.

It’s quite a difference from what I wrote first, what caused the ‘stirring in the water’ – and if I could have started like this, would have been such difference.

As I saw a potential of an outcome and I judged it and felt bad about it and focused to that option, what I did not like – and thus feeding it – instead of to see what I can do, to change the outcome with fall into reactions and stop moving.

But to be able not to react – often one has to forgive the already self-accepted patterns and automatic behaviour of being reactive – and for being able to change/stop that – one must understand it’s details to the utmost specificity. Not some magic mantra, if someone says it a million times, as believing that it would help with some vibration of universal love – that’s pretty much the definition of delusion. What I mean is to exactly be able to describe everything happened within self and in reality with words – to see the whole scenario as clear as possible – understanding motives, reasons, starting points and context – and thus to see what’s the source, the origin – and what was the trigger point. When next time would come, I see BEFORE activates, thus I can PREVENT my nasty, worried, emotional self to act out. This is a skill, can be learned and be effective with it, just like with riding a bike or learning language. It’s very specific and tedious process, but it works, no doubt. Worthy of every moment to spend time with, I guarantee.

This is – after – some time passed – my ‘new’ Self-forgiveness point to be added to the topic, what I have realized about it since then:

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got stuck in a pattern, which I defined as something predictable, safe and hopeful, and when the pattern did not play anymore, I got worried, that this means – CHANGE means – bad as it leads to unknown, which is scary as within the darkness of unknown, I fear that the worst I can imagine would wait for me, thus not only hesitating to step into, but also fearing to acknowledge it, and triggering a frustration and sadness and not realizing I literally got afraid of my own mind-shadow, which made me try to run away while blaming the other.
– quite interesting.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts any human can ever apply, as it can be directed to various types, forms and shapes of problems to understand more, to become more responsible and effective by becoming aware of the points one faces with the starting point of self-honesty and focus to practical understanding and self-directed change.

Any frustration, limitation, conflict or fear surfaces within me – I apply self-forgiveness to give the opportunity for myself to understand this point, to be able to cross-reference the factors and to see what’s real, relevant and supportive. And from that point of view – what I feel or being convinced about – should be re-evaluated with fully available information and understanding.

I will continue on an other point I have realized about being non-reactive and what I mean by that in a self-honest way and keep expanding on the realizations and self-forgiveness(to further specify and correct of what I wrote here) to support myself to keep walking from self-interest, fear and delusion to practical and living love.

Until that – consider this free online course if you have not yet walked it – can really support to understand human consciousness, yourself and others more:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com




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