Jozsef's Journey to Life

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 07 Nov 2016, 23:13 ... at-a-time/

In my last post I finished with ‘I will continue to explore about breathing’ as what’s better than explaining the process?

Walking, sharing and living it!’

This means to focus on my own ‘breathing points‘, where I can have this physical pressure experience, like a stinging push in my chest, when I am not breathing ‘properly‘, fully, clearly, directly without any anxiety, fear, suppression or lack of presence due to preoccupation within thoughts/feelings/emotions.

One might ask what’s my point on emotions, as isn’t it natural to become emotional about feeling happy, in love, in overwhelmingly positive way? It’s easier to understand why one would not recommend to take refugee within anger, frustration, jealousy, etc.

Just as negative emotions, positive feelings(to simplify them like this) also can make one to be totally preoccupied, obsessed with, addicted to, thus separated on the experience level from direct presence, which can then become part of the problem.

The key here is to recognize the mind’s realm between me, self, the being and the expression/experience/movement/direction.

Simple example: happiness: it’s not something what one can really, directly experience, but it’s a judgement, a definition.

If I try to describe happiness, I will see that it contains pre-definitions, what I can experience, but not express. Just like joy for instance. I cannot really express joy, as it’s a judgement.

Also to add – when one is clinging to, dependent on and desired after positive experiences, happiness, joy – it’s not foolish to ask why? And a self-honest answer is not “because that’s normal, that’s human“, but to see what’s pre-existent within one’s mind, the self-defined judgement system, what justifies the self-interested polarities of good and bad, and memories, and parenting, schooling, culture, movies, advertisements, friends, etc is being influenced, and based on that one ‘makes decisions’.

In most cases one wants positive is because being stuck with negative. It’s highly illogical to not question first my ‘negative’ experiences and to see if I can work on those, instead of running towards it’s opposite. This requires presence and ‘cool head’ to see things as they are without this positive/negative judgement system to be projected around’.

Within self-honest breathing application, I re-align from observer and judge to direct participant.

It’s key to understand that the very definitions of our words are often consisting of this observer perspective, which can easily support the perception of our self-experienced separation from self expression and living the words directly.

That’s why decomposing the word-based relationships our mind consists of is just the start, to understand the patterns I’ve allowed to be defined by, and then I also re-define my words. To not be related to polarity, positive or negative, from judging observer to direct participant.

As the example of joy: enjoyment is more direct, expressive way to live it.

Then what it means: enjoyment?

Within clarity and self-trust, I move, share, express myself without any reaction, fear or judgemental thoughts. Enjoying to be here, be grateful for all I can and to celebrate and express life as who I am myself, without definition, without limitation.

This process obviously takes time and effort and will not come by itself overnight. One has to make a decision and to develop and accumulate this understanding and direction, what then have to be walked in real physical time to LIVE the WORDS.

So – this is my personal decomposition of layers, systems, definitions, perceptions, judgments and what emotions are being triggered by those words to see the pattern, and also it’s source, origin.

The pattern itself is short: it’s like I hold my breath for a moment when I feel I have to concentrate, feeling a pressure point I have to solve something ‘right now’, I have to ‘perform’, I have to ‘push through’, I am not sure about, I can worry of failing of.

There is also a sense of un-worded ‘hope’ behind it, like ‘I hold my breath‘ to see if the outcome will favor me, it’s like a tension, I’d even say it’s a pause within my expression, but not always, especially when I have to maintain something, such as driving through a curvy road with the speed which gives me the impression that I should not make a mistake, or I should be in trouble easily.

I remember, also I had this, when for instance I was stealing, when I was kid, and I was worried that the shopkeeper would see me. It was insignificant what we stole, actually really cheap, but I guess we did it for the ‘thrill‘. Yes, also this world is an interesting one.

I can experience this when I see an action movie, there is huge tension, like heroes in a mission and they are in shooting, and it’s uncertain that someone will survive or not. Then I can have this excitement. Recently I’ve observed it as saw multiple episodes one after another, and this tension was building and building and at one point I realized I am becoming emotionally ‘high’, so I kept some minutes away. Although that’s why I like to watch series one after another, because if I see one episode weekly, I do not feel this tension building up that much, thus the show feels less interesting, intense, stimulating.

See, how much intensity and energetic accumulation is part of my compass of decisions without realizing, and also to see if it’s really supporting or it’s just keeping my mind at a certain reaction state, well, to not be able to focus to, deal with and take responsibility for the reality I am within.

So in a way, this hold my breath is a self-induced ‘micro-fear’. Just to name it somehow, it’s not that I am afraid in that moment consciously, but resonantly these micro-fear energies accumulate, and when it’s a lot, well, then I can have this breath-holding back experience.

This can ‘happen at other times too, but let’s start with these first.

What comes up right away is the tendency to take inbreath, but not the outbreath equally, thus creating this difficulty immediately to circulate enough air properly.
It’s like I pull/suck myself up, to ‘brace for impact’ – just the feeling of it.
There are moments when I realize this, especially when this experience is ‘remaining with me’ for longer time, after a while I realize it and I start to ‘control’ the breath, and slowly blowing out the air, as a way to calm myself down.
Well, this is ‘semi-conscious’, but still I am not really aware, rather it’s a triggered mechanism.

When I am aware of that I am here, I am under tension/pressure, and I am able to remain present, directive, then I breathe in and out without the feel of controlling it, rather it’s like I ‘smuggle myself into’ the breathing so to speak.
Meaning I use this physical expression and experience to bring myself into and as the physical body without losing the point I am focusing to, such as hiking upwards a mountain for instance and looking around, checking where I step to, etc.

Obviously I am the one creating this tension/friction within me, but I’d separate this experience into two types: when I am alone, and myself creating it, and when I am among others(still I am creating it, but I am less aware of it, as I am being focused to others probably and there are certain situations wherein I can be triggered into this ‘improper’ breathing by becoming reactive in the mind)

I wrote already about this in this blog, but that was not enough and as I face this point again, this time digging further and applying practical understanding to support change, well, my breathing to become ‘proper’, which means natural, equated, full, while my experience is present, clear within and directive.

In a way this is what all has to realize that without this ‘state of being’ – one is probably/most likely being totally pre-occupied within one’s mind, which results within being observer in regarding to certain topics within one’s life.

From that moment, when one is rather deciding, concluding, then starting to think, speak, act – then it’s now up to one’s pre-programmed already ‘made-up’ mind to judge, react and direct, based on personality, past, memories, mood, civil-engineered morality, education, family, religion, whatever one allowed to be influenced and mesmerized by throughout one’s life.

I’d say that’s problem. Especially as I also have references, experiences, memories, when I am not compromised with automatic reactions, when I am able to breath ‘properly’, here, unwavering, and it’s obviously more supportive within self-honesty.

So in the next post I continue with Self-forgiveness statements.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 09 Nov 2016, 00:41 ... rgiveness/

So Self-forgiveness here it is within the continuation of the previous post:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not be aware of when I do in-breathe more intensely than out-breathing, because believing that ‘taking a deep breath’ is what helps me to be here, present, stable, and not realizing that it’s not about the ‘breathed in’ amount of air, but the whole in-and out process, when sustained within presence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have the tendency and habit to go into reactions in my mind, and then resulting to suppress my breathing, to hold my breath back in order to try to stimulate and enhance presence and direction and not realizing that it’s not really working, but as it’s supporting the energetic experiences in my mind to be ‘more intensely’ be present and aware with energetic experience and then I allowed myself to believe that this is supportive.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the intensity I feel and defined to require to ‘become here‘ with the energetic experiences, reactions in the mind is the the manifested and accumulated consequence of my self-definition and identification as the mind which from there is a resistance to ‘get out‘, ‘get through‘, what I believed to require the energy for, what I then try to accumulate with reactions, anger, frustration, fear, and other self-manipulative automatic self-stimulations.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that any anger and frustration I feel is actually the acknowledgement of that I am limiting myself and regardless of any type or target of my anger, it’s always towards me and what I do accept and allow in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I rely on solving, preventing anger and frustration to stop based on the subject, the target I try to control, avoid, manipulate, suppress, then I am actually akcnowledging the fact that I am powerless to stop what I do within myself in my mind, for what I’ve given permission to automatically judge, react, become angry and frustrated.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense and direct self-honesty within focusing to these points, conditions, experiences, frustrations, angers and reactions of breathing properly and to ensure it’s not compromised within any circumstances by realizing that less effective, present, directive and well I am when disregarding, suppressing, sabotaging my natural and full cycle of breathing process.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual support within any difficulty I face, experience and feel when deciding to breath normally, properly, fully, present here, because those are the tips of the icebergs I really have to open up, investigate and understand, and thus I can support myself with ‘learning’ breathing properly AND at the same time unlearning the reactions, the causes of those reactions within my mind based on the words and their realitionships, my relationship to those words I can reveal and decompose and apply self forgiveness to be aware of and prepare myself to be able to stop.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is this energetic household within my mind what is being re-and regenerated with these reactions in order to always fuel and ‘lubricate’ my mind to be reactive and always ready to project, justify, judge, project out responsibility in order to keep within this reactive, preoccupied state.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a personality what I’ve created upon this energetic reactive mind household to protect it’s existence, by justifying it with actual points of powerlessness, meaning why I should accept any emotional state what makes me off-balance in order to then find a balance point later and not realizing that by looking at the bigger picture, the whole cycle, I am actually enslaved of this mechanism and feeling up and down, never present, directive, really-really here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to submit myself into these energetic cycles in order to gain this apparent ‘mind velocity intensity’, believing that it’s required to focus, to discipline what’s here, and not realizing that it’s actually a physical shock what is causing my natural breathing to flow, and my attention is on these energetic reactions, thus not realizing and not re-aligning my suppressed, sabotaged breathing in and as the flesh here.
I forgive myself that I have not committed myself to remember these situations and only relying to ‘awake’ within these situations when I already recognizing the pattern of suppressing breath and then working through, instead of ‘marking’ the specific, numbered amount of situations, conditions, when this can occur, so then I can be aware of the pattern BEFORE participating to ensure to PREVENT myself suppressing/disregarding the necessity to re-align with physical, effective breathing here.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to lose presence and effective, self-honest breathing when I am becoming frustrated, angry, reactive, judgemental, emotional, and not realizing that the two supports each other, but not me here: the more I am emotional and reactive, the less I am aware of the breath here, and the more I am not aware of the breath here, the more I am becoming reactive, emotional and thus compromising breathing to the point of becoming unstable from the improper breathing and the overwhelming reactions as well.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense within enlisting all of the points within my daily participation wherein I react to specific situations, words, images, experiences and thus always become reactive first, then realizing that I am within a pattern.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am uncertain, stressed, tired, exhausted, judgmental and preoccupied, I am not supporting my human physical body to breath properly, thus creating friction within me, which then creates more reaction in my mind, then creating more friction, to more pre-occupied me to disregard physical presence awareness.
I forgive myself that I have not considered to give some moments to my presence, body, awareness here, right then, when I start experiencing reactions, and not realizing that the reason for it is because I’ve invested within the self-conviction, self-definition, self-judgement that this specific reaction I have to believe, follow, react to and not realizing it’s source, which is doubt, fear, uncertainty, instability.
So what I recognize as pattern is a some sort of spiritualization of breath, the self-separation from physical presence, instead of being participant, being an observer primarily, and then based on the reactions to observation, categorization, automatically reacting, and based on trigger points to these reactions starting to act, do, respond to reality. First of all, it’s late, because the moment is gone, and in the same moment I am interpreting, so when I ‘come out’ with the result of mind-process(thought, feeling, emotion), there is another moment. At times it’s ok, sometimes it’s obviously ‘slow’.

It’s actually a resonant fear, not to expose myself directly into reality, but through the shield of mind, the bubble of my interest of preserving the ideas and perceptions what I believe I could lose in case of direct experience of what’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, categorize, actually totemize and praise the breathing to superimpose it to be more than what it is and not allowing myself to directly feel, and be the breath, but to react to my own definitions in relation to the act of breathing, which is actually an escape from reality here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate and word the exact specific point I am afraid from when I categorize, define, react to the ‘idea’ of breathing, and thus making myself believe of what it is and what I should feel and not standing up to the habit of categorization and let all go and just breathe, feel it, push myself to be in and as the body here.
I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood that the moment I react in my mind, I miss the moment here, and regardless of what I think, feel or react, that moment I missed completely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from losing who I perceive myself to be when I do not have shield, bubble, self-definition, protection in my mind, but to be vulnerable, open, direct here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to program myself to avoid pain at all cost and mark all possible scenarios what could result in physical, emotional or mental pain and define my personality as who I am according to this pattern, habit and need of avoiding pain within the fear of it would change me and I would lose who I am what I am holding onto as perceiving that this definition of what I think of me is who I am and not realizing that it’s just data, what I convinced myself to identify myself with in the hope that this information can help me avoiding to lose what I believe having.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that in a way actually the only think I have is my human physical body, it’s breathing process and all I do with and as it as who I am, and if it’s compromised, sabotaged, suppressed in any way whatsoever, then no matter what more, else I perceive, define having, those are empty convictions in order to mesmerise and delude, hypnotize and deceive myself to be more than actually I am.
I commit myself to stand up to the fear and recognize that it’s unknown what I fear, the aspect, part and wholeness of who I really am and the more I resist facing, embracing, realizing, experiencing and living myself, the more fear I will experience until the point of manifesting consequences of self-separation, self-sabotage and self-doubt, thus I recognize this pattern and I stop and I sort out all the resistances, suppression I accept and allow in regarding to breathing here naturally, consistently within physical presence.
I commit myself to list all the points I get reacted to with breath-suppression, intense thought-emotion patterns to become aware of the points I have to embrace and develop practical self-trust to be able to face and understand, take responsibility for and breath into and as direct self-expression.
The list comes here, not full, just to name the most obvious ones I see at this moment:

Driving to/through a situation wherein I do not feel absolute certain about I am going to successfully solve – or situations I previously had difficulty with, or have a memory regarding to in relation to problem, fear, loss.
Working on something for a while and still hitting wall and not being able to figure out the solution and others, who are waiting/dependent on my part to be done are asking how it’s going.
Talking to a woman who I believed, thought that she could be potential partner, thus having the belief that I should be cautious and aware of how I express myself as there is a stake here of losing the chance of she would become my partner.
I am being attacked, bullied by people who apparently seriously do not respect me but want to use/abuse me.
I do something physical and keep making mistakes and becoming pissed off not successfully solving it.
Playing a computer game and at a level, cannot win/kill certain enemies, one after another success – especially, when the winning is so close after a long struggle, and then in the last moment losing and having to start it all again.
Computer, internet, gadget freezing on me, becoming slow and I start to become annoyed as expecting it to be working 100% perfectly by the belief that I paid a lot and enough to not have this failure.
I see, realize and understand that I only can breathe one at a time, and the in and out is equal, and at the same way, I only can face and solve, transcend and change one point at a time within physical real time, thus I re-define presence with breathing in and out equally, with physical, mind and beingness awareness to accumulate self-trust, self-direction and actual living.

As I write about it, I see(feel) within my chest, that even at times when I do not experience accumulating this pressure there, it’s here with me, in my imprint and it’s not enough to ‘clear it’ from time to time, but to be able to consistently prevent myself to suppress breathing and the only way to free myself from this way of suppression is to work through all the patterns defined in my mind, practically change within the triggering situations in real life.

To be continued with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points to assist and support myself to recognize the tendency before engaging into these situations, so then I would be able to remember, ‘here is where I breathe in and out with presence, WHILE facing and solving these situations’ – thus re-writing my ‘code’ of behavior, beingness and totally saying NO to reaction, also by knowing myself that I do not have to FEAR in these moments to lose myself, because I am aware of that I trust myself, I do all I can do get through this, and then actually that is all I can ever be, and this is who I am and what I commit myself to express.

Also important part is the strive for control, fear of losing it, and I’ve explored from multiple angles already, but the obsession with perfection, which is also another form of fear, fear of failure, which can result in not self-supportive, not common sensical control.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 22 Nov 2016, 00:40 ... o-breathe/
I continue with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points I’ve opened up in the last post.

It’s such a journey to discover a whole existence hidden within and the more resistances, excuses and reactions I experience in relation to a point, it’s just more obvious that there is pre-conditioning, self-limitation and self-delusion I carry and automatically live out with that.

I’ve described 7 points previously, and it does not cover the whole spectrum, but I just start walking through one and see what comes up within self-honesty and correction.

“Driving the car through something I am uncertain about, while I do not feel 100% in direction”

As I drive quite some time almost every day, this is good to continue with.

It’s so obvious immediately – to slow down to the point of re-gain direction – of course there are situations wherein I should not make big speed changes all of a sudden, like in heavy traffic, because others also have to anticipate that, but why would I not slow down or go too fast into situations I do not direct with clarity and self-trust?

What it is what makes me believe that faster is better? Why feeling not good enough when moving slowly but surely? What it is what this thrill, this overwhelming excitement, anxiety I feel like getting?
What memories, reactions come up while driving what can relate to fear, failure, mistakes?

There is this perception and belief that the more fast and agile I drive, the better I am, the more respectable, professional, serious I might seem, which I desire and at the same time I work on the skills to ‘get there’, but in the meantime I can go into this mind-game of ‘wanting to feel’ that way.
Also often I encounter with other drivers who tend to rush through traffic. This can also have an influence on me, like ‘picking up their pace’.

Actually it’s not always a great tactic, especially if I observe taxi drivers on how they move through the city. People often rush – accelerate hard, and then, what a surprise: break hard too at the next red light. Unless I really-really, almost insanely blaze/storm on the road, well, put it frankly: aggressively, most of the time I do not get to my destination really sooner. It might ‘FEELS’ like, but actually, it’s about 2-4 minutes mostly, which is negligible on an hour drive and for that to risk, to annoy, to ‘work that hard’ is highly illogical.
It’s also supporting to apply self-forgiveness on this point to take responsibility and substantiate the decision to admit that it is self-dishonesty to rush but rather to plan ahead and be more smart and aware of the traffic system is actually more effective, thus it’s time to stop this influence of thrill and energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the more fast I can maintain car control, safety and agility, the more I am valuable, professional, serious, respectable and thus making it conditioned how I feel about myself and also to project this idea to what others might think of me or how they would judge me if I would act in relation to this judgement polarity dimension of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and not realizing that it’s all just self-conviction and preoccupation in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the moment I go into mind-games with what I feel based on definitions and opinions, how others might judge and feel about me – the very moment I start to participate in this, I am abandoning self-direction here, giving up presence which is actually the key to be able to be directive, effective, responsible, thus I realize that I have to stop fantasizing and start planning, deciding and working on points I want to become, represent, express and live here for instance: develop planning and driving skills and stop doubting myself and wanting to overcome by that with extra speed.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined that it’s good if others would judge me as positive, valuable, respectable, because that would give me power by allowing my self-definition to be believed based on what others think/say about me and to define who I am and how I am according to that, meanwhile not admitting that this only can happen as if I am not aware of who I really am and what it is what value I represent here.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge the fact that I accepted myself not to be respected, trusted and this acceptance have been accumulated by the days, months, years and along the path I’ve identified myself as this acceptance of actually giving up on myself and wanting to compensate to at least ‘feel’ that way, and not realizing that the very action to participate, re-generate and experience such feeling is a wasted effort and that also could have been directed into actual expression, and real and physical change if I would not have given up on myself and not even realizing this giving up, because that would also open up a lot of another reactions and points to deal with, what I’ve defined I can’t deal with, don’t want to face, afraid to acknowledge too.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define that it’s overwhelming and unbearable to see how many self-dishonesty points I’ve allowed, manifested and became along the way in this existence and not wanting to see, because of the belief and fear that I would feel really shocked, wrecked, ruined and within that fear I do not realize that I enslave myself and have been exactly manifested that by accepting self-limitation and fear, therefore I have to expose all my resistances, suppressions and lies and give up everything I fear losing by the realization and embracing of all the hurt, pain I wanted to evade by not being honest with myself and at the same time with this active process of revealing action, also to keep focusing and disciplining myself to remain here, empty headed, directive and push through all of this one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression of energy, emotions and fear is not going to last and everything I do not want to see and experience is still here, in and as the physical body, which is awareness, but if I am not aware of IT, then that means I am not really aware of myself, therefore what I am aware of is not me, not real, it’s a facade, a delusion, which then I can realize and let go of with writing down the patterns, the relationships, the words to see everything in front of me without going into reactions, judgements, thought-chains get distracted by and overwhelmed with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if others see that I slow down with the car when I would feel more safe and appropriate, for instance the one coming behind me, then they would think that I am a rookie, a weak, a fool and in these cases rather focusing to my speed, and to avoid the other’s judgement, which is completely imagined, as I can’t hear, can’t listen what the other think behind me and even if they would think such thing, that’s them, and my responsibility is within my presence, with my car to maintain responsible and effective driving with my utmost potential I can live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the exact same point when I start to judge someone in front of me who goes slower than me and start judging them without being aware of all the factors manifesting the actual speed of that car, and me going into judgement or to avert my judgement into a more accepted way, to imagine and have reasons why the other is slower, but still judge them in a way that I would think it’s not offensive and reactive, but within self-honesty it’s still judgement, based on the fact that I lost my presence in that moment when going into separation, reaction, judgement, what is at it’s core is fear, what I do not want to see, understand, realize.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, named, worded the exact fear I experience when I feel, automatically being self-defined that I am blocked, slowed down, limited with the one in front of me in the traffic, which can be the fear of ‘losing or wasting time’, the unstoppable automatic judgement of ‘going too slow with this great car, frustrating, because I justify it with all the money/effort I’ve invested into this car/ability to go faster, but at this moment I can’t’, so in this moment I go into blame, projection, because I am accepted myself to being defined by how fast I can go, because without it I would not feel myself to be who I perceive myself to be, thus it’s a ‘micro-identity-crisis’, which is annoying, what I do not want to face, realize, also, because I never stood up to this point before.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the same point played out to two directions, when I judge somebody going slower than I would want to go and also when I would think I am the one making somebody slower, so then they would think and feel similarly as I feel when I follow someone I’d judge as too slow, and that’s why wanting to avoid to go slowly and wanting to go fast, faster to not get into the situation of being judged to be too slow by myself of by others, but in fact eventually always being self-defined by myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the situation of someone going slower in front of me would or should define how I feel and thus who I am instead of realizing that I decide who I am and if I am actually accepting self-automation to decide how I feel according to situations and others, then in fact I am the responsible how I feel, be and express myself, therefore it’s common sense to decompose and stop the patterns of self-definitions step by step until I am simply here within direction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that on public roads it’s not about who can go faster or more agile, responsive, but it’s about what’s best for all participants, such as first safety and then effectiveness and also to accept that there are people who don’t care, who has no such dedication to drive great or they are under pressure, illness, age and many factors and even if I would believe, think, judge that ‘then they should not drive’ – at this moment they do, so we have to deal with it, thus this is from where we have to support the best outcome, and to get reactive is definitely not that, therefore recognizing the self-empowerment here to keep my presence, cool and direction consistent, that is my first responsibility, by which I can support actively the best outcome for all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how others judge me is not who I am, and if someone would feel that I make them going slower than they would like to/could go, then that’s their point of responsibility to be aware of and not get possessed by to the point of losing direction, safety and awareness, especially with the self-recognition here of that I do not want others to be blocked, slowed down deliberately, so I recognize the point of I should and have to trust myself completely and to recognize and let go everything what blocks me within that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that breath within driving is equally important as within everything else, therefore I commit myself to keep myself being aware of the breath here and direct myself as driving through and as the living expression of breathing, meaning I do not put thoughts, emotions between the driving and myself, thus I am more connected and become presence here.

img_0292When and as I see, sense, feel, define that someone is at my tail really close while driving I recognize the tendency that I can go into annoyance, worry or doubt, which I prevent myself going into by breathing here and focusing to maintain presence, direction and driving responsibly and to see if I can support the other to give space and opportunity to go faster by also considering the ones in front of/near to me if there are.

When and as I feel like I am being slowed down by someone in front of me, I recognize the tendency to react and go into annoyance, frustration and limitation and I breathe and I realize that actually it does not matter why this is happening, does not matter who is the person in front of me, but what matters is to remain calm, directive, effective, responsible and meanwhile to see if I can take over within safety and if not 110% sure, meaning even if something would happen what not being anticipated, still would come out within safety, and still I can foresee the taking over being able to be done, then I do so, otherwise, I relax, remain aware of the others, the road and look for better opportunity.

When and as I feel like a tension building up within me because of the cars behind me or the cars in front of me, I let everything of my mind go, I breathe within presence, I maintain direction, effective responsibility and assess the situation to see what could be better if possible and if not, then still be present and to realize that I only go into reactions if I believe those are real and I give up breathing, which means I give into the fear, which means I have to investigate, write down and forgive the point specifically and to re-align to breathing, allow the inbreath and holding, outbreath and holding to be natural, not forced.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I believe that I have to be always better on the road ‘against’ others, that means I am not satisfied with myself, regardless of anyone, anything outside of me, because it’s about my own relationship with me, within me, as me, thus the friction created within should be named, worded, investigated as I am split within, one part judging another, polarity, fear, and it’s highly ineffective, as at the moment I judge, I became observer, from participant, and that creates a lag, a latency, an extra ‘layer’/’dimension’.

When and as I feel that I go too fast with the car and I am not fully being certain that I direct the car within safety and effectiveness, then I stop reacting to this with the thrilling experience, I firmly and safely slow down, pull my foot from the throttle, I apply break if necessary or I shift down to use the engine break to the point of being certain that I can drive safely and effectively and in case of emergency break or outmanoeuvring, I can execute it within calm, effective manner.

When and as I feel resisting to slow down, to leave ‘space’ in front of the car I follow, but it is the common sense according to safety, then I breathe, in and out, I trust myself and I push through this resistance as recognizing, safety is first and become aware of how I would ‘feel’ if someone would tailgate me, and even to realize that maybe the person could become reactive, then lose presence, then causing more chance to make mistakes and cause accident, which then I am also responsible too.

When and as I would worry if I would give too much space in front of me while following another car for safety reasons that another car from another lane would go in there, thus taking me over, as I am already aware of this: it is completely alright and I can let my foot off from the throttle for a moment to again create the minimal following distance for safety without any reaction/thought.

When and as I go in the most inner lane on the highway and see that the car in front of me does not go fast enough for the speed I want to proceed with, he/she does not give the lane to me and the lane at it’s right is free for him/her to move away to give me opportunity to proceed, I do not react, I do breathe, I remain directive and look for options what is common sense and prevent myself going into annoyance and if I feel adequate, I use the lights to make the another aware the driving rules of ‘inner lane is only for taking over’ – without tailgating, without compromising the minimum safe distance. And if the other still disregards me and my obvious request, I still remain directive, calm and present and look for another opportunities. I recognize that it is key to always keep presence and direction and in the moment of I would ‘leave’ that, to leave ‘breath’, it is my utmost responsibility to re-align myself to be present, aware of the breath, the act of breathing without defining it and allowing a space within to trust myself as one and equal with what’s here, even if it means to give up my want to go faster.

When and as I believe that I can use tailgating in any way whatsoever to make the other feel that they should move away from ahead of me and give the lane to me, I realize that this is only a belief and not always common sense and rather to give signs with light than go too close or to reconsider my want to go faster is adequate or to change lane myself if that would give a better opportunity to safely go faster in another way.
Well, this looks like crazy detailing, why to write down such things, but one thing is certain – writing is power – and if this helps with changing, substantiating situational ‘screenwriting’, why not to apply it? It’s free, and in a way it’s a previsualization, a creative imagining for the next episode of my life, a considerate planning, while I am present, directive and responsible. Words are the bulding blocks of our reality, thus it’s actually great to decompose any limiting or abusing brick-walls and to build structure for actual support within self-honesty by also considering others equally too.

Just to ensure not to limit myself with the self-directive statements, not to accumulate self-interest, but rather to support change, stopping to follow polarity-based, reactional, self-dishonest, self-limiting patterns, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I drive every day, spending hours within traffic and as I move out from and into the center of the capital city, I encounter a lot of driving situations and it is crucial to be prepared, directive and responsible, thus it’s absolutely worthy to consider these points and to recognize if there is a pattern what requires to be re-written within me and my behaviour, then this technique is literally can assist with that.

Also I recognize that I drive a better car than average on the road in terms of agility and power and that also can support judgement, separation and even a feel of superiority, what must be recognized and let go.
Especially by considering that even if my car is quite safe, capable and powerful, there will always will be cars that are much less ‘great’ and probably much more great too in those three dimensions(safety, capability, power), thus if I judge something as ‘less than’, then I also will fall into the comparison to the another direction of this polarity game in the mind of ‘better than’, and then I allow these factors to influence, define, direct me.

This means, to consider the another car could be less safe than my car, therefore to avoid collision more responsively, or the another car also could be less capable or powerful, thus this can support to understand why the other is not driving that effectively, fast – and with this, also not to project out expectation towards cars and drivers to the other direction – such as if seeing a sportscar behind me, to believe that he/she is now being annoyed by me as not going super fast all the time just by these definitions, associations, reactions.
Of course, still notice, acknowledge, assess these informations, but not be the slave of it. This is pretty obvious, common sense at 99.99% of the cases, but also apply it at the cases when it’s more challenging.

Annoyance seems like acceptable if it feels like being triggered by someone or something else, but it is to recognize, it’s still me, only me, about me and if I believe that the person/situation is responsible for me to be annoyed/angry/reactive/emotionally compromising, then I keep projecting and I actually disempower myself from to see and do what I could in order to change myself/the situation to prevent such limitation and well, quite uncomfortable experience.

This means to always be able to question and answer – what I can do about this, what I can do for more safety and effectiveness?

This is where breath is assistance also – the more I am aware of the breath, the more I can be aware of the mind, it’s patterns too, then I can realize more or deeper self-dishonesty, how I participate in that, so then to see when, how and why I actually ‘go into’ at what trigger point and what is the consequence of it, and then I simply realize before repeating the pattern – I stop and change.

And the less mind patterns I chase in my head, the more I am undisturbed from being here, breathing presence, action into reality and then thus also understand more, trust myself more – so it’s apparently two sides of what I can do, but it’s actually the same.

Re-align to be present and also to recognize and decompose the patterns what is in the way to be here in and as the breathing flesh, as my human physical body.

This can be a way to support self and awareness, change and direction with writing.
Write yourself to freedom!

How to do that? Here is a free online course:

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 23 Nov 2016, 02:50 ... eflection/

Yesterday I wrote about going into reactions and losing presence, thus not breathing effectively, ‘properly’ within awareness here while driving and brought up the most relevant patterns I encounter on the road.

I was bringing up a lot of situations wherein I find it more common sense to not to react, not to take personally, not to lose direction and effective driving.

Today I was looking at what is changed in relation to driving since I wrote that yesterday, to further specify and accumulate the change I work on within myself.

In the morning I had at least three times when I was seeing that I would go into reaction, like ‘come on guys, go faster now’ or ‘what the hell you are doing?’ when some other driver does an unusual, illegal or even dangerous move on the road. Also something I’ve noticed is that there is a computer game I’ve played recently, a shooter, wherein I fight hordes of demons and when they injure you, the character I control shouts like ‘Motherf**ker!’ with a specific, angry, hurt tone and it was quite automatic that I said that word once today in relation to a car’s move in front of me. Well it’s kind of funny, nothing serious, but I see that this is related to judgement to that person, and behind that it’s a judgement within myself towards something I did not want to see then: that what the person did surprised me, did not like for some reason I also was not aware of, such as feeling like I have to slow down, I have to avert his car for instance.

Well, it’s nothing serious here, but when going upwards on a big hill, I have to slow down, shift down, use the clutch, the brake, the gearshift, maybe not just once, but 2-3 times, then also involving e-brake(handbrake). Well, it’s quite natural movement to do so, I do not need to think about it to execute it, so it should not be problem, but at times still being annoyed by.

Also I drive a diesel car, which warms up a bit slower than a petrol one; thus often, in the mornings, when I climb up the hill in the city through heavy traffic, I should be gentle with the engine until it’s warmed up properly, but sometimes it feels like all these stops and starts while maintaining the fluidity of the traffic, it’s just sometimes seems uncool to the car too.

Well, probably it’s not a huge problem, but in an ideal world, sometimes I’d be more gentle with the car until it’s totally warmed up engine-wise.

Also, there is this expectation that as I leave home quite late, there should be no heavy traffic anymore, but sometimes is, there can be an accident, roadwork, some really slow vehicles, indeed an old and/or slow dude/dudette is driving at front, whatever; so all of these can still feel like influencing my direction by giving into judgments and reactions, which I see necessary to further specify, stop, forgive and transcend. Just a note to self.

Again: nothing serious, probably I could be perceived as already/still below than an average/most of the car driver human’s reaction, but here we deal with self-honesty and self-perfection in terms of decomposing, stopping and transcending all the patterns of self-dishonesty and self-limitation, so let’s keep specifying.

Backwards, at night, when I drove home, I had a passenger, and when I was talking with him, some of my attention was ‘with him’ and I did not judge that much about the road conditions, rather was observing the situation and handling accordingly.

I also have to share that there were also several times when I was able to become aware of this pattern of going into judgement and I was able to say ‘NO’ and re-align immediately to focus to driving itself without going into judgement and reaction.

Well, I could go into much-much more details on what is happening on my daily driving, such as there is only one lane on most of the mountain road part and there are buses and it’s kind of obligatory to support the bus to come out from it’s stop and that also means I have to slow down, even stop sometimes, and then follow the slow bus behind for a while and just this, predictable, all the time happening re-occurring event what can bring up in terms of me reacting to this and and other drivers behavior.

Or even there are some tight time-windows from specific green lights to be able to go through another before getting the red light, and some of those red lights are quite long, like 1-2 minutes too, and if those add together, I can literally get to my destination 8-15 minutes later. This itself does not justify to speed, but certainly adds to the actual practical knowledge of when to push the gas a bit harder and when it’s completely useless. And even prior to this knowledge, not to be overconfident and expect the best outcome and then get frustrated when it does not play out like that.

I go into details to just demonstrate that specificity matters and within any every day re-occurring event, activity or interaction within the ‘system’ one can use it as an opportunity to get to know thyself further, to discover self-limitation, self-dishonesty and to find their reasons, how those are being re-and recreated at what trigger points to empower oneself to be able to stop those patterns. There is no such moment when one should waste not to apply self-honesty, or if still existing such perception/belief, that should be also investigated and stopped with the same tools applied here.

It does not need to be perceived as completely wasted times, when for instance getting that 2 minutes red light, and just because there was a slow truck carrying glass windows that I should become frustrated. It’s actually quite silly and foolish, especially if this happens every day, all the time. I can go through all my presence, mind, body, beingness in that 1-2 minutes, to see if there is built up tension, pressure, thought-pattern, worry, desire, and I can enjoy breathing and re-aligning with real self here in physical reality.

And another point I want to bring up – is that often the source, origin of ‘moody’ behavior is not even regards to driving and traffic exclusively, but also what’s influencing me in that morning, like what thoughts, problems, emotions I experience and why.

For instance I will have a random amount of bill soon and if I go into worry of not being able to pay for it and at the same time to afford to buy firewood for the winter, to pay for dentist, to buy enough food and also to travel to family and support them and in the meantime considering everything and to be also become frustrated by each and accumulating that during a simple morning shower – well, it’s also not unusual for an ordinary human to get ‘worked up’ before even getting dressed or sitting into the car, stepping up to the bus, arriving at work, etc.

That’s why it’s essential to invest time and effort to work with our mind, our thoughts, reactions, patterns, personality manifestations + at the same time to develop body and physical presence awareness, real intimacy with being here, ‘bodywork’, giving the time and space to slow down within and to find little moments of pure self-expression without any fear or desire, past or future.

I also could already move ahead with another point and leaving this driving point behind by stating, well, I’ve wrote stuff about it, became aware of quite several patterns of it, I am DONE, NEXT.

It’s also quite supporting to stick to a point and walk it through until it’s really-really owned, meaning I am clear, directive, nothing moves me, I am here, this is who I am.

Well, it’s a process in terms of driving, but I just commit here to continue investigating, decomposing, correcting, forgiving myself until I am naturally present without any reaction. I do not know when that would occur, maybe never, but it does not matter, this is what’s here today, that’s where I am directing myself towards: to discover more patterns, to stop I am already being aware of and keep expressing, exploring, sharing and living.

One last point – reflecting back to the apparently less related point of ‘motherf**ker’ remark I did – this also can open up a whole lot of dimensions of self-identification, like ‘what’s cool’ and why seems to be cool and awesome to curse, what it feels like, what I experience gaining, but when walking a point, a dimension, a pattern, most of the time overlapping, another points will come up and although it’s great to note them, but not to be distracted by, jumped over – except when it seems common sense to open up, and work through that aspect first in order to continue working through the current point I walk through.

The ‘everything is interconnected’ is never a worn-out phrase here – if I ‘work’ on driving, it does not mean I would not get, develop, manifest, substantiate insights, realizations, practical and effective self-correction ‘spreading’ to another aspects of my life. Patience is a decision, which can accumulate into self-trust, self-direction, discipline, what obviously can be applied at all aspects of life. That’s why it’s also common sense to walk through a point really, because often cannot be foreseen what benefits I might manifest, until I really am clear of any reactions in regarding to that point/aspect/scenario.

Again – that’s why writing is extremely supportive here – written word remains, I do not think about it, so my head can become clear, and it’s in front of me, and remains so, therefore I can return to it, continue with it, this is really awesome.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 04 Dec 2016, 22:21 ... ge-itself/

Continuing on breath support in terms of stopping any mind-patterns what suppress or sabotage natural and effective breathing and awareness of physical presence.

What I notice is that when I write and apply self-forgiveness, open up points, work through specific patterns and thus becoming able to foresee them ‘coming up’ within me and also to make the decision to stop and direct myself to change – is that I experience and being able to really start accumulating change from small moments towards the more challenging ones as well.

However if I break the momentum so to speak, meaning I do not continue to work on these points, after several days I still can experience a sort of ‘fall back’ or ‘waving’, as not being able to consistently bring the level of self-honest application of living the change what I commit myself to become.

This is what I investigate today here from different angles. One is that why I stop moving, expanding, opening up, directing the change.

Another aspect to look at is that what are the trigger points when I stop this decision to live out and what are my inner reactions of thoughts/feelings/emotions to them what makes it acceptable, justifiable.

What comes up first is that I actually see development/progress/change within myself, right after writing/sounding self-forgiveness and that can give the impression that ‘everything is going awesome now’, so I take granted something what just started to sprout out and not considering that there is quite some work to do to really nurture this birth to grow it into a huge, stable tree, what can consistently stand unwavering unconditionally.

What I can see is that there is a tendency to utilize process and the tools of self-honesty as not something as who I am within unification as one and equal, but as a separate ‘method’, what I can take, use, then put it down, just like I used spiritual meditations/mantras, psychedelic drugs, as it were like a gadget from my pocket and once I ‘experience’ change, I am already ‘feeling’ better.

Also to consider that I started to become more and more specific at self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, which can really support at the certain areas of my life, however there are still about a dozen others wherein I did not yet walked the same self-awareness, responsibility and self-honesty process, thus I am still being exposed to accept previously accepted subconscious, unconscious and even conscious influences to distract and delude from constantly remain present within the awareness of breath, physical presence and directive application of the change I want to see in this world, starting with my own human physical body.

One would ask why so serious and superimpose such great changes within one’s behaviur, especially when so much resisted from within, thus it becomes a struggle, what is not an easy thing to do?

This is also where Self-honesty as not just as a concept, but as a practical approach can assist to see what is really good for me and other participants of my reality according to throughout investigation, decomposition of patterns of thinking/judgements/reactions and to see what would be the best and not just to see, but ‘going out’ and actually try it out and then re-evaluate, is this really as it seemed within writing?

If someone states, ‘I am done with process’ – that’s then obviously self-dishonest, no question and if I have to explain that, then one should just ask that

“What is saying within me and why, based on what that I could/can/and won’t be able to do anything else/more to support the possible best outcome from my action’s consequences”?

When someone would actually lay back and to state out – I am done, just like ‘I am now enlightened, free, nothing to perfect anymore. In a way it’s pure self-interest: I am feeling okay, that’s great.

Within walking with Desteni group and to see when people all of a sudden just state ‘this is not what I think is the best anymore’ and they leave, even some making a scene, writing such long explanation letters to justify without even being aware of how ridiculous they actually are by actually exposing their own self-dishonesty while believing that it is with which they justify how it’s other’s fault now that they feel not moving ahead or being stuck.

Some even removed their own blog what wrote along the years, like trying to delete that part of evidence that they walked thus far – it’s such an interesting phenomenon. All of a sudden they do not want this part of their life to be visible, noticed, seen.

When I started to make VLOGs(video logs, talking to camera), I was a completely different person and if I’d look back the videos I did back there, the things I’ve said, reacted to, I could easily become ashamed of who I was by thinking ‘What if someone watches that video and to think this is who I am?’
But this is a process – takes years and I want it to be visible, from the start, because then the whole flow of change is more transparent so to speak.

It’s not about who I was when I started, neither who I am today, but what direction I accumulate practical steps towards within what starting point and principle.

Everyone has different mind-setup, their own ‘cross’ to carry until being able to transcend it and most of us probably requires support at crucial times what one has to be self-honest with self to acknowledge and ask for support. If does not do that, then might feel being stuck, overwhelmed, disappointed, then losing direction and the mind re-gains the momentum and the person starts to justify, blame, project and eventually quit. That’s just sad but I’ve seen it many times and it’s not personal and I usually do not ‘care’ too much about it, rather to merit more commitment to focus to my own process to ensure I do not make the same mistakes I can recognize others making.

I just had a big sigh at this moment as I wrote it, I am relieved that I could write this down and concluding it with what’s relevant here, is what I can take responsibility for, and in this moment is my own mind, body, beingness relationship, the breathing process to correct and re-align, continue walking the Desteni I Process online courses, which is the greatest study and journey I’ve ever started.

Self-forgiveness to be aware of the specificity of the details of this pattern to support awareness for practical prevention and self-direction to change in the moments to face:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that whenever I experience change, signs of change, specifically about breaking a pattern with which I have the habit to sabotage/suppress/disregard my breathing to the natural, full and present way, I judge this experience of change and start caring about this experience, more than actually the change itself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to move only to the point of being able to judge myself as the experience of change and then based on that judgement and energetic reaction to that unconsciously stating, categorizing to my process, myself as ‘now everything is alright’, ‘I am already changing’, ‘I have changed’, so not needing to discipline myself for applying the movement, direction and practical application for this particular change anymore by the belief, that it is done.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I will manifest real change only if I not only apply the direction, movement, realignment, but also literally becoming it to the point of no need to focus, maintain, upkeep it’s application, which descriptions by the way actually reveal the counteraction, balancing over, actually momentarily changing my behavior, but not actually changing entirely, consistently and constantly, but only to the experience of change, which is not real and it will not last.

I forgive myself that I have not been able and dare to ask and answer the question why not fully changing, why only to pursuit the experience of change and not realizing that within self-honesty, I was after the experience of change, instead of real change, because of believing that experience equals who I am and not realizing that experience will not last, based on circumstances, trigger points, energy and if I put my starting point to experience instead of self-direction, presence, awareness, then I will not be able to birth myself as real, stable, consistent, constant self.

I forgive myself that I have identified myself with experience, as believing that experience is fact and trust experience instead of trusting awareness, as myself, direction as myself, self-honesty, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to stop walking a point within self-honesty until it’s not fully done, really-changed, cross-referenced, consistent and constant here as myself within unification is self-dishonesty and undermines self-trust, because as I stop walking the point before really changed, then I will allow the points within myself what I have not yet become aware of and thus directed to practical change – these points will continue to be applied, accumulated, thus directing my expression, and thus who I am, therefore real change will be accumulated to tip over and actually turn back.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the process of self-honesty, if I did not walk through a point to the utmost specificity, then the point will direct me, which I will realize later and I will react with frustration, disappointment, inner friction, which is unnecessary and actually counter-productive, as I know myself enough to realize that I will stand at the same point later and will realize the self-honesty and requirement to change again, and I will have to walk this point again.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that walking a point and then stopping and then walking again is actually time looping and can be prevented by applying discipline, consistency, and meticulous application of the process tools of writing and sounding self-forgiveness to see if I am specific enough, understanding enough, not waving and being stable within the realization and decision of the specific self-dishonesty to stand up to within practical application to stop the not supporting pattern once and for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I stop for a moment within application of self-honesty and change and if I judge myself on how much I’ve progressed based on experiences, I go into self-separation as I become the observer and also the observed and then I judge based on memories, polarity, comparing based on my interest, which cannot be trusted and if I really want to assess my current location within the process of walking self-dishonesty to real transcendence, then I should focus on facts, manifested consequences and not experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘use’ process of self-honesty only when I am frustrated, uncomfortable by my self-dishonesty and use it for re-gain my comfortability, the experience of control, the experience of self-honesty, instead of live the word and really become and constantly be self-honesty.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who stop applying the process of self-honesty for real, meaning stopping the writing, sharing, self-forgiveness and change as believing they are lost within their mind battle as giving up by the power of excuses and justifications and then judging them as fools and feel sorry for them and not realizing that within those moments I actually project out my own self-judgement as I only judge what I have done within my own process and not realizing the exact points, self-dishonesties, self-acceptances within my own life, personality, process where I am still giving up by not realizing, not stopping, not changing my own points of self-dishonesties, which are my utmost and primal responsibilities.

When and as I judge someone as losing it, giving up, being fool, feel regret, sorry for the individual who stops applying the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-correction within humbleness, when they prefer knowledge over self-trust, I stop and take a breath and realize – I am projecting out my own judgement towards myself and I check, what is the point I am actually not changing, but I could, where within myself I still accept self-dishonesty what I should and in fact could stop?

I commit myself to consistently and constantly walk the self-realization process with investigating, understanding, taking responsibility for all self-dishonesty I still accept and allow and whenever I stop moving, applying, if there is a day wherein I do not express self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-direction and real, practical change, then I have given up on myself based on experience, judgement, excuse and justification myself, which I have to stop and re-align with absolute self-honesty by going back to the simplest, yet most effective tools, which are writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and make the stand to really change.

I commit myself to challenge myself every day to walk points and to dare to push through each and every single resistances I face along the way, and if a resistance is so powerful, then I investigate the resistance itself and decompose it and take it step by step and accumulate practical understanding and real change breath by breath, minute by minute, day by day until I am becoming the change I want to see within my life, in the world as equal as one.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 06 Dec 2016, 00:47 ... -presence/

I've wrote a big rant on my experiences, impressions, some details of what happened recently, how I felt, but I've decided to skip sharing that part - not as it's secret, just too much detail.
Sometimes I go into more details than necessary and in a way what I recognize, expose, I walk with the Self-forgiveness anyway, so why duplicating?
(For reference, I share the beginning of it to see what I mean by this)

Yesterday night I was driving through the most dense traffic of Saturday night party time of narrow central streets of Budapest and it was almost overwhelming but I was managing it pretty well.

One time I was hesitating for a moment and the car behind me immediately started to honking bluntly, kind of shouting 'wtf, goooo, now' - there were people walking up and down, back and forth the road all the time and in at a crossroad there was another car in front of me hesitating and I did not take the momentum immediately, because I was patiently waiting for that car to take the turn as the traffic rules dictated. Actually in these cases I think it's normal when realizing that the other is too hesitant to take the momentum, but I was rather conservative by considering all the pedestrians around and also the fact that even if I'd take that corner at first, maximum I'd gain 5 seconds, so why the rush actually?

I write about some physical experiences what is related to the abandonment of my effective breathing due to accumulating inner friction:

My hands, palms, fingers become more stiff, gripping, much more than it's required, and thus actually making my physical feel less sensitive.
It's like there would be a metal wire in my hands and fingers what become more tight, there is energetic tension within it.
The pressure point in my chest starts to build up on the upper center part and then slowly spreads until I realize that I am lacking oxygen and then start sighing.
My chin pulls in, the whole body tenses up, like awaiting for a smash or hit in any moment, and that also makes it more slowly to react and less ready to anything actually. Like 'bracing for impact', even when there is no such experience coming ahead of me.
Also there is annoyance, frustration by things not going how I'd imagine, and in those moments I'd rather focus to what I want to project/manifest into reality than actually see where and how and what I am and what it would require to move ahead exactly. So there is this separation experience, a split in my mind what is kind of self-sabotage as for instance I want to go fast, faster in that moment, but in reality I miss the point that the car is at the edge of balance and if I do not focus to see that, but to what I want to do with the car without considering it - I can push it over.
No wonder there are so many accidents with these sport cars on the street with people who are not trained, educated, skilled to these high performance cars as enough a quarter second to not be here to apply what's necessary and then the consequences are severe.
Probably those people are losing the direction by going into their mind and not being with the car within presence and when it's too late, there is nothing to do but physics playing out the consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure when someone behind me is honking to me, especially when in a way what obviously meaning that the other is being annoyed by me and immediately going into reaction such as feeling ashamed of 'how bad I am doing right now' or reflecting it back with anger or annoyance, such as 'what an a$$h0l3 this guy is' instead of re-assessing my situation, movement, what to do next and also if possible, what the other is expecting me to perform.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the extreme amount of ineffectiveness I accept and allow when I go into reaction in relation to myself or somebody else, in this car situation who makes signs of me annoying him and focusing to the reaction of this instead of the source and to see is it something I can do to annoy him or not and if seeing that I cannot or deciding not to do, then that's why not reacting, because I do not need, I understand the situation and keep focusing on effective driving.

When and as I am being honked at by another driver behind me, I check the situation and assess what I can do within safety to proceed effectively or if possible and deciding so, give way to the other to take over me and support him/her within moving faster as might indeed important or if that's not possible or deciding it's not practical then remain present, focusing to the driving, road and breathe in and out preventing myself to judge, react, feel pressure or becoming physically uncomfortable.

When and as I experience frustration and annoyance during driving I breathe in and out deeply and let everything go in my mind and also acknowledge that I have the tendency to go faster, care less and thus miss more on the road around me and not realizing that what I 'win' by speeding is actually seconds and first and foremost to consider safety. Even when it seems like nobody around the road, it's always a possibility in the city that something suddenly happens and if I go with 40-50kmh, I can stop much easier and faster than when I go with 60-65kmh.

When and as I feel excited, thrilled, adventurous and challenged during driving faster than it is completely safe and actually legal in the city or on the road I realize that to be consumed by this experience is completely self-interest as not considering everyone else, but my own self-triggered, self-generated experiences while actually being in and as physical reality shared with others.

When and as I want to feel excitement, thrill, challenge, adventure by driving I should consider to go to specific driving area, but not on public road where others are also there and consider safety and actually also that some other people might not having proper skills to handle very fast cars around them and in fact they could make mistakes also and in those situations still I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to automatically want to join another car what is taking over around me or going really fast and to think that I can also go that fast and not considering if its really safe and worthy but automatically join that speeding car and not realizing the trigger point in my mind as my own self-judgement of 'hey if he can go that fast, I also have to, otherwise I would think that I am lesser/weaker/inferior driver' which I want then to compensate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that there are two type of drivers who take the opportunity to take over and go fast and the others who are just basically obstacles to the 'good drivers'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I am being taken over by other drivers with their cars, then I am weaker and I actually miss opportunities to do the same as others and thus moving more effectively, quickly through the city and by missing that, judging myself to be a loser.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that one to be more agile and effective driver has to drive a sporty car, with higher power and agility and if I would start to move with my crossover car more dynamically, people would judge me as a wannabe or a jerk and within that revealing to myself that I use the perception of others to project out self-definitions, using them as trigger points to judge myself completely based on my fears and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not go as fast as possible within safety, avoiding punishment, annoying others, then that means I do not use the 'car world' as effective as it could be, as I should do, therefore I am not using the most potential I could bring out of this and not realizing that this is diversion from more deep, fundamental doubt, distrust within myself in relation to myself and by the judgement and experience of driving wanting to compensate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel bad when driving by a woman with a little kid on the street by thinking that I am now polluting the air for them with my car just because I feel important to the degree that I can justify polluting the environment and others around me and not realizing that instead of judging myself I could do something differently, such as minimizing car usage, accumulating effort to have electric car and also to embrace the fact that if I go to urban areas, there will be women with kids, so if I really do not want to make them 'smell my stinky car smog', then I should not go to the city by car at all and within that realizing that my reaction is just hypocrisy as not wanting to give up driving, just creating inner friction and shame without any practical reason or real re-consideration of the consequences of my actions.

In overall, preventing to go into reactions while being in heavy traffic in the city is more substantial, now I face an interesting phenomenon: sometimes I just submit into the traffic too much, meaning I totally accept that now this kilometer I will have to go in first gear within 10 minutes and it can happen that I actually miss something to recognize and do to make my situation easier, such as seeing an alternative route to take, changing lane more wisely, but often not taking those opportunities as thinking 'it does not matter, I might just 'win' one minute, so why bother to make such efforst, such as indicate my movement to the others, ask/make them possible me to change my course, then go through the usually more complicated alternate route, just for winning one or two minutes, which seems not much, but sometimes it can actually make a difference, and I tried to apply a pattern again - see, how much effort I take to backtrack, stop and de-program my automatic pattern making and taking, and here I am, facing with another pattern.

So it's a great example to recognize, that even if I stop a pattern, it's not the end of it, I have to find really practical ways to add to the blank page with effort, research, otherwise I might just 'allow' to take another inefficient, ineffective, or even directly self-dishonest patten to take place.

Alright, this is it for this post, I see at least several more points to write about driving, but soon I will wrap it up as there are other points also to be walked in regarding to support breathing awareness in all areas of my life.

For instance one topic is when I encounter beggars among the roads/red lights, how I behave with them, what reactions I experience within. Another topic is the taking care of the car point, considering time, tools, skills and money and my reactions to these points.

Well if I go into detailed specifics, reflecting back my behavior and reactions on any kind of road, such as highway, where encounters are quicker and bit intensified by the stakes so to speak...It's interesting to realize that walking self-honesty is completely independent on what I actually participate within - hiking or programming, driving or taking shower, diswashing or dancing, making videos or watching a film. Also great to acknowledge that nothing can be real excuse to stop self-dishonesty, but the total self-identification with self-dishonesty itself, and then I believe I protect myself, my cause, my love(d ones), but in fact only my limitation, belief, delusion, fear. So that's why I do not actually mind(interesting phrase actually) to walk driving itself in details. These days I spend quite some amount of this, so I utilize it for transcendence. If I would be cage-fighter, I'd use that for sure. So.

In overall, having access to car can be great support, not just for normal living, like commuting, shopping, travelling, but also to utilize to effective move within the system, meet people, organize, get things done, but by looking at the numbers of how many cars are, how much people suffer by them, it's obvious that it is screaming for optimization and constant evolving, which for it's also cool to decompose the pre-accepted patterns in relation to our relationship to cars to be able to see the bigger picture, consequences, etc.

That's it for now, thanks, enjoy breath, bye

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 15 Dec 2016, 20:29 ... t-moments/

Day 296 - Insignificant moments

Transcendence with the tiny moments. I've made a vlog:

Transcription of the video:

Even the least significant moments can be actual accumulation for taking the momentum against(to stand up to) one's self-limiting mind.

For instance I've just cleared the toothbrush after wasting my teeth and then as I was cleaning the toothbrush, even in this insignificant moment, what at least my mind tries persuade me that in this moment I can think of anything else, because I am so superior being, I can think of some other stuff in my life meanwhile I do this, so my mind I would say 'Don't worry, I am going to take care of this, you just fly into your mind and think of anything else, whatever you want'.
And if I really look at it in this apparently insignificant moment, I say no, I am here, I am present, I direct this situation and I take over, thank you very much. No friction, no fight, no resistance. And what I accumulate here is that even within the smallest moments I am here, so apparently my mind would say, 'Oh, then I would no have enough time to consider (apparently) more important things in my life, such as paying the bills, or how to make my job professionally, whatever!'

But in fact, as I direct myself in this moment of cleaning the toothbrush within absolute presence, I also gain self-trust and discipline and self-direction. So then when I face other points what apparently again - seems like more important in my life, then I will be also able to be present, directive and not disturbed, distracted with the mind, which is trying constantly to tell me what's important, what's relevant and what to worry about, what not.

And my mind is not my enemy, it's kind of my nemesis, which is also myself and the solution for transcending the mind is not fighting, not resisting, but to understand to the specific points of it's origin point, as for instance fear not having enough time, or I am more important and superior being to be really present to brush my teeth and clear the brush after all, because whatever reasons, but finding presence within this apparently insignificant moments also accumulate into more self-trust, more physical presence and in overall more awareness. And also it's a bit simple to take over these moments first, like I have huge problems in my life.

Start with the little things, because there the mind have given permission authority to these aspects of yourself, but you can take back more easily than the whole whatever relationship, or money, or world system problems you face. And within you start to know yourself, you start to understand how to deal with your distraction points, with your fear, addiction, whatever. And then you just walk this process. And then you realize it does not matter if it's a small point or a big point. It's like I am here, this point is here, I deal with it. That's all.
So it's no problem if I write about apparently insignificant moments if I am unable to understand the whole situation in order to support myself to prevent prevent to go into these mind-reactions or distractions, because it's accumulating to the greater good, which is like really being able to trust myself to not go into the mind or even if I would do, it's my own direction, meanwhile I am still here. I am still directing, I am still present.

img_0655I forgive myself that I have not realized that the definition and judgement of 'tiny' and 'insignificant' moments are merely creation within my mind, my virtual personality database, wherein everything is being constantly created, or consequence of my interest, according to positive- and negative-based belief systems, and thus - the very idea of that some moments are more important than others is also belief and actually hiding the points I have not yet realized about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are moments what are more important than others in my life, what I should focus to, and according to that belief, to automatically give permission my mind to systematically create the judgement of 'insignificant' moments, wherein I do not have to be 'that much present'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, see and understand that if I am not here consistently and constantly, I am basically diminishing and 'falling into' my mind system, which is a self-created separation experience, which through I give my power away to not see the wholeness of what is here, but only based on a self-limiting view of interest as if its significant enough to 'honor it with my presence' or not. Within that not realizing that if I am not present, I will actually not know if that moment is indeed significant or not, and that is the self-eating snake I justified myself to diminish into and within that also not realizing that the only significance and honor I can ensure is to actually be unconditionally present in all moments equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with my exclusively past-based knowledge and information judgement system to decide what moment is significant or not, I try to re-and re-self-fulfill the prophecy I've seen in my mind based on my fear I try to escape from.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how I am trying to justify existing within fear by utilizing thoughts to tell me when I can go into my mind to have another set of thoughts about another fear by believing that if I think about something, I will figure out a prevention to it, meanwhile in fact I am giving up constant and consistent presence, which is the key to accumulate self-direction and self-trust and to understand everything what's present.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the moments when I am alone and doing things what I every day or very often do, such as brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or even walking around, creating habits and do these actions without fully being aware of the body, and meanwhile not realizing that the very indication that I 'leave' presence into thinking about something is fear, which I do not directly see, its source and origin I do not realize, but blindly trusting my mind suggesting me that in those moments I am more efficient and effective if I allow thoughts to flow through my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allow thought to be reacted to, which then can trigger another thought and feeling like this is me 'moving', meanwhile in fact I am suppressing myself, not moving, not sounding, not living, but only reacting according to my past, based on a specific fear which I keep accepting, at least by believing it to be real enough to have this 'workaround' about it and resulting in not being constantly present in and as the physical within awareness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within defining moments of every day actions as insignificant, I actually make my presence and direction that, and by that not even realizing the actual significance of what I could realize, manifest, live if I would have stayed constantly present by stop being the slave of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define brushing teeth, washing the brush, dish washing, cleaning, or even 'just' walking as insignificant and based on the judgment and actual skill of being able to 'automatically' do things, in fact I am accumulating the occasions of giving into fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when points coming up in my mind as distraction at the moments what I pre-defined as 'insignificant' is showing me that my mind is in a way 'leaking', the problematic points I keep reacting to are not 'contained', but conflicting within and thus trying to re-and re-process those points in order to stimulate myself into a solution, but that is not true as by thinking and reacting about it is actually the opposite of solving it, but rather to accept it, just have energetic experiences about it in the self-delusion that 'I am now thinking the problem' and yes, but not the actual solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am being distracted by reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions while doing something what I've defined as mundane, ordinary, easy, boring, that means that I am not honoring myself to be fully present to face those moments based on pre-judgments of what those moments are about and also that I have not given myself the adequate space and time, effort and practical method to face the points coming up in my mind for concluding a practical solution for the problems I keep unsolved.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the spiritualisation of the all equal moments I've been created through the perception of separation and judgement in my mind by defining some moments as more important, more meaningful, more divine, thus creating a polarity system of when it is alright to be not fully present with my utmost potential and when I should and then relying this auto-judgement-mechanism system to tell me when I should be more present and when I do not necessary to and all the while not realizing that if I am not present in any given moment, all the accumulated presence, awareness, direction and substantiation of SELF as LIFE is gone entirely again, just as my absolute self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty, thus basically I have to start to make a stand from scratch, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have excuse and justification that I can and should have multitasking while doing the things I've defined previously as insignificant, thus to go into my mind and think

Self-corrective statements for the situations I commit myself to remain present:

When and as I brush my teeth, I breathe in and out, I focus to physical presence, my standing, the senses, the gravity, my hands, my face and I honor myself to be present and directive while doing it and if anything comes up in my mind meanwhile, I realize that it is alright to remember, make note, but NOT self-honest to just follow any thought, reaction automatically and go into 'thinking mode', meanwhile just brush my teeth by habit, just as remembering how I washed the day before and before that.

When and as I wash my hands, I focus to presence, the physical feel, my wholeness as direction and expression and I direct my mind to stop and I breathe in and out.

When and as I walk, I focus, discipline, direct and express myself as the body directly and trust myself that in that moment I am the living word of walking and if something I have to wonder about what would make me go into my mind, I consider if it's relevant, important or supportive in that moment or not, and if not, then I make a note, a remark, a point to return to this later and keep walking.

When and as I would go into doubt, thinking, reactive judgments about not being sure what is self-honest and supporting to do simultaneously, such as walking and talking, or considering what to buy in the shop, and as long as I am accessing anything from my mind instantly, here, while not being distracted, lost, it's practical, but not to the point of losing direction, physical and breathing awareness.

When and as I feel like I do not have time to stop doing what I do and I would feel the urge to think about something while doing something, I breathe out and in - or in and out accordingly and realize that it's not about speed as it's not life-threatening to give myself one more breath and consider something WHILE remaining present.

When and as I drive and start thinking about something and thought follows thought and I miss the driving direction and awareness point of the system of progressive driving, which is to ensure to remain responsible and response-able in any given situations, then I see the need for dropping the topic in my mind and re-align myself with the driving entirely and if I am being overwhelmed by reactions, then I slow down and I make possible to have a stop and then sort things out.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that small physical action mistakes and accidents are happening with me, because being in my mind, thinking, or already projecting myself into the future of what I am going to do, how I will react, feel and do, meanwhile missing the simple physical action references of walking properly, taking objects, putting here and there and those apparently 'simple actions', what I already acknowledged that I can make mistake doing when I think.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of the fact that almost all of my injuries I have suffered have happened due to preoccupation in my mind MEANWHILE doing something, handling objects with what I made myself cut/bleed, bruise, stumble or fall or drop things, hit or smash things and those are also indications of me becoming out of sync with physical real time and space as entering mind virtual space time which is completely unrelated to actual reality, thus compromising my effectiveness and presence, thus awareness and responsibility as well.

I commit myself to stop and drop all labeling of moments in my life ENTIRELY of which moment is more significant or which is mundane, and to take full responsibility in all breath equally by realizing that any moment can only be more special or important based my own self-interest, which can be considered, but not to be subjected to to the degree of being distracted to fall out from actual physical time-space continuum.

I commit myself to stop defining every day things what I always do as mundane and insignificant, such as brushing my teeth, washing myself, things, cleaning, go to toilet, walking around, carry things, even driving - I realize that each moment is reflection of who I accumulate myself manifesting to be, thus I direct myself to establish a self who I can be present with and as in all time without any doubt, fear by knowing who I am and re-defining who I am able to honor with consistency.

I commit myself to use any available tools necessary to deal and transcend any distractions coming up in my mind by recognizing that those aspects I've separated myself from and by the nature and relationship of the word-judgments, I am able to decompose the pattern of fear/self-dishonesty to take responsibility and forgive myself for giving my mind permission to suppress, then all of a sudden re-appear and distract me from what I am currently doing and by that not being able to be the director of my life, but being directed by previously manifested consequences of judgement, separation, fear and self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to not get blindfolded with an excuse of 'equalizing' all moments by convincing myself that there are no moments when there are more stakes in terms of responsibility, such as in direct life-threatening moments, or constructing a high-value deal or making an exam, wherein the decisions and actions I do can have more direct or long-term consequcence, but this should never compromise to go into a polarity-manifestation to deliberately abdicate to responsibility within standing as self-honesty in all of my moments equally.

This is, just like the argument people can put out when I say I support equality and they immediately say it's insulting bullshit as there are people who have more valuable skills, experiences, significances in terms of their situation, position in the system, etc - but that is not about equality.

Equality is to recognize and honour the qualities and potential, what exists within all, regardless of circumstances and conditions.

It's like dogs: they mostly are so cute and a joy to be with them and great support, but that is not applied to a just commanded police dog to bite me or when wild dogs flock and scavenge anything alive - but still - the potential and life within that dog is still present - and when I say equality, I do not get 'blinded' by the positive imagination of 'lalala cute dog', but also not get completely 'owned' by my current personal involvement of 'this dog is attacking me'. Awareness is not positivity. Neither bitter negativity. It's the whole picture. Or at least a process to be able to get to

Accumulate real and practical self-knowing and change patterns what do not align with being honest with Self and All Life: Try the free online support course at

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 17 Dec 2016, 03:27 ... -presence/

I find it timely to start walking the process and support, realignment and change in relation to physical presence awareness, direction and breathing WHILE sitting at and using computer.
Well, using computers is big part of my current life, it always mostly was since childhood and I’ve noticed that I can have tendency to disregard presence and purely existing through my mind and my body becomes less a grounding, stabilizing, substantiating aspect of me, but something I disregard, exclude, only utilize and this makes it easier to slip into the mind, where reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions can preoccupy me to the point of losing discipline, principle and in overall direction within self-honesty.

This is kind of a big deal for me, but not really if I look at it just as look at another points to become aware of and stop participating within any self-dishonesty – but I’ve noticed a some sort of procrastination about this over the years of my process.

It was always ‘in plan’, but I pre-defined it as a ‘huge chunk’ and first and foremost I wanted to walk other, more prominent or annoying/disturbing self-dishonesties in my life.

Since walking practical self-realization based on the support of online course, the community, the group chats, listening to audio-based library of how the mind works and also by reading others blog within the Journey to Life community, I’ve noticed some changes how I approach using computer, in particular on how I approach and solve tasks or problems.

For instance when I work on some program code, I do not think much about it, it’s rather intuitive and usually I start writing about it into my notebook.
My ‘problem’ with thoughts was that those are much more abstract and volatile than written words, also usually they ‘happen’ really fast and even if I ‘think through’ quite constructively a problem to solve, it’s rare that I will exactly remember the relevant points of that ‘pondering’ process.

It’s more practical to me to write as it supports with slowing down and here quality is more important than quantity and also what I write will remain on the paper and I actually, physically do it, which is kind of already a movement, direction in actual reality.

Also when finding problems or solutions for them, it’s much easier and natural to be rather intuitive than cognitive and this can be a huge advantage, when I would need to see it ‘from outside the box’, but sometimes it’s not enough fast as still accepting reactions, thoughts, judgments along the process of creative application and that’s why I find it relevant and supportive to walk through these processes and to also purify anything based on fear, self-interest, doubt, or even distracting desire.

I have the ability and skill to investigate quite ‘clinically’, meaning to look the problem from different angles and really committed to find the best approach according to my time, resources, skills, even if it means much more investment or effort than it usually would need to be.

When I am being ‘owned by’ quite some amount of perfectionism, which is usually overwhelmingly counter-productive, is also can be rather a curse than a gift, especially if allowing it to go mental about it; meaning rather being invested into the ‘idea’ of perfect, instead of to see facts, real, physical world options and to work with that towards the best viable option.

Being ‘owned’ here I mean to, for instance seeking after the best possible/quality way to do something in the entire world I can reach(around, internet) and then becoming frustrated if not being able to apply that, and also to be extremely judgmental and harsh if the result is not ‘perfect’ in comparison to the best similar results I’ve witnessed in the world ever. This can be supportive, but really counter-productive as well, especially when becoming really overwhelmed by the judgments and it’s reactions, energetic experiences about ‘this is unacceptable and I am becoming frustrated’ and from that point I am compromised, and actually distracted to continue to create or work with quality.

Just as in other aspects of my life, compartmentalisation is present in my computer-using ‘world’ too, I can behave, react and even perceive differently when I write program code in the office or when I play a computer game at home, or when I make video clips at home.

How many times I was frustrated when my not so cheap camera was unable to produce the quality, details or colour scheme I wanted it to do and of course found much more expensive, bulky and rare camera systems with what I could have record the way I imagined, but recently realizing more and more directly that the art is to embrace limitations and even with that to create something what transcends it’s technical limitations by the value or message it can channel through.

What is worth be mentioning is that as I use computers(and complex machines) since childhood, there are quite some ‘patterns’, ‘perceptions’ and ‘reactions’ what I was able to protect and evolve since then in my mind, perceptions, convictions, beliefs and looking at those behavioural patterns, these are rather silly and distracting, mostly self-limiting but primarily self-dishonest patterns I see important to recognize, understand and stop.

Since walking this kind of awareness process directly, I’ve developed a quite reliable way to remain more physically here and present when I move, do actual, physical things, but when using computer, there is still more ‘easy’ to just become lost in the mind for a while and no matter if it’s just one breath or actual minutes, or even hours, I see this as self-compromise and it’s time to face and decompose, understand and forgive to prepare a practical change and to see what’s beyond these patterns to discover about myself and the world.

This approach I will continue with exploring the first reactions I can bring up in relation to computers, and I think I’ve walked some of this here at my blog already, but this time I see it from the dimension and purpose of physically re-stabilization, substantiation into a more consistent presence.

I do no longer keep the belief that with thinking or in particular with any ‘thoughts’ I am more intelligent, smart, adaptive or wise I can become, but rather seeing the ‘act of thinking’ as part and indication of self-suppression. Why? Just how fancy is to quote from The Matrix movie? This never gets old for me as finding it extremely supportive to remember the simplicity of support:

Don’t think you are – Know you are!

Meaning the one does not know thinks – and actually will know by not thinking but directly ‘moving’, regardless of what is that movement – in this context: self-movement, what can be using of words, living of words or even the single act of breathing within silence as well.
Starting with obvious point:

I forgive myself that I have not realized the extent of lack of physical and presence awareness during computer usage, prioritized by focusing to thoughts, feelings and emotions, disregarding HERE-ness, as direction, common sense and self-expression and support my mind consciousness system to further virtualize, simulate and stimulate experiences based on my interest and becoming preoccupied, distracted to the extent of suppressing effective and full breathing, my responsibility to principled living and the discipline for being intimate with my beingness, my body and my mind and thus sabotaging to be able to prevent self-dishonesty to be triggered, manifested and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape into my mind, for which using the computer as a tool as defined it easier to control and separate it’s world from my reality, wherein I can have the experiences what I found difficult or impossible to live out in actual reality, thus escaping from my fears, desires and make a habit out of it and then defining myself as this is who I am and this is what I want to the degree of even fighting for my limitations, just to not need to face my own resistances and self-accepted fears accumulated into systematic self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that the need for controlled environment is fear and with computer to want to have a platform wherein I can have less relevant consequence than in real world and define it and it’s experiences just as important and relevant as my actual, physical, shared-with others- reality and not being honest with myself that this is escape from specific points I fear facing and fear losing in relation to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight the things I resist, then I am not effectively solving the problem I face, but I use force, separated perception and in fact I fear, thus the common sense to slow down within and assist and support myself with wording the fear, the pattern of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself to be able to deal with reality, society, the world and wanting to have a smaller dimension wherein I can be in more control in order to create a system according to my limitations to not be needed to face with those, and thus who I really am when being limited, accepted and suppressed based on this system I wanted to be confined within, here for instance what I can experience through and with computer.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined and allowed myself to become the embodiment of the habit of disregarding my human physical body, my physical expression, my breathing and presence during computer usage and defining it acceptable to be completely distracted from what is actually going on within myself, physically, mentally and emotionally as well, but only focusing to the reactions and the next upcoming reactions to reactions.

When and as I sit down to computer, I breathe and I commit myself and thus from time to time I direct myself to let go all in my mind and focus to physical presence and one relevant and decided point I want to work on/with on the computer, and then to do that with more physical awareness, breathing and presence and to develop practical skills to do things while keep and expand within this presence without being lost in reaction-chain-reactions.

I commit myself to transform completely my computer usage behavior by pushing myself through breathing here without fearing of not being fast enough or effective enough without thoughts, images, reactions and whenever I see the urge, the need for thinking, reacting, stimulation, I breathe and re-align physically here and to see directly what I really want to do.

When and as I face something during computer usage what I do not want, do not enjoy, such as it becoming slow, freezing, having errors, something does not being successful, I focus to breathing, the physical phenomenon, the actual air movement, the feel of it on my skin and re-align myself with being here.

When and as I sit at the computer and remembering old patterns of computer usage, feelings, emotions, words, I direct myself to remain here, and even if I do really look into the past experiences, reactions, memories – I am still here and apply self-forgiveness if anything I feel reacting to, which is indicating of a system I still being owned by, thus I apply the self-forgiveness to become more aware of the pattern and the actual need for change.

When and as I feel like becoming dragged down and disregarding my body, presence, breathing, physical forces within and around me, I take a break, walk away from the computer and do something else for a moment and enjoy re-aligning, substantiating and solidifying my direction and presence here.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 28 Dec 2016, 11:29 ... xperience/

Today I'd like to talk about overcoming fears and phobias. Specifically how I found support in relation to a specific topic I always resisted and suppressed: cars and driving.

I did my driving license about 3 years ago and it was quite late, I was around 33 years old back then, but the lack of driving started to really become such a limiting factor in my life, so I've re-evaluated this huge resistance and decided to open it up and walk through.

I have chosen a second profession which requires to carry heavy and expensive equipment and on one rainy night, when carried quite a lot hi-tech gear in my backpack, I've realized that this is when I am limited by not driving a car and if I want to get serious and more 'free of conditions' so to speak, I have to overcome this resistance.
Also, often I had to wait for my car driver friends to appear, get ready to give me a ride and when they were not exactly reliable within what they said about when we would start or arrive, I was quite frustrated and then I had to realize that I cannot blame them for who they are, but only myself for still fighting for my limitation by resisting to learn driving.

I also kept noticing that most of the adult people has no problem with at all, even old and slow ladies or dudes, completely the opposite of being sporty or agile people also driving cars within the bulkiest city traffic and that made me realize that this is a phobia for me now, not just a tiny resistance and personal dislike. Thus, not just I have to learn new skills, but also un-learn a lot of patterns.

I was familiar with the principles of as within is without as well, give as I would like to receive, equality and oneness and self-support tools, such as the DesteniIProcess online course and audio books.
At EQAFE, I have found the

Fears and Phobias series,

what goes through how fears and phobias work in the human mind and what is the practical way to open up and start working on letting go these patterns within one's life actually.

There are several one individual interviews specifically about fears and phobias about car accidents, which was exactly what I was looking for.

My own personal resistance was multi-layered, and when someone has a very strong resistance or a fear/phobia about one thing, there are often multiple dimensions and angle of perceptions with one can justify the acceptance of that belief, the opinion and conviction to accept the fear as logical strategy, which then becomes the self-limitation.

One of my dimensions was that I grew up as being dirt-poor and not being able to afford a car previously and it seemed like quite excessive how many money one has to spend to own and maintain a car.
Another point was that I never liked the stench and smog they create, how polluting many of the car parts are and the noise they make is also extensive, which I never wanted to be responsible for.
Also there was one time when I was kid, a car driver was not aware enough and me, as a pedestrian, ended up on his car's hood and although I had no injury, it was kind of scary. I realized then that car can kill if the driver is not capable of 'taming' the machine beast.
There were another occasions when I or one of my friends were almost hit by a car when walking through the cross walk and that seemed like an every day possibility, which frightened me as such a responsibility to have.
How I chosen to live my early adulthood life was quite irresponsible and pretty much auto-daydreaming all day and at some of my clearest moments I realized that I am rarely present, thus to be constantly here is not just extremely difficult for me, but I even justified it that I do not even want that.

It's like when I break in so to speak into a self-justified self-limitation and start to identify myself with, protect it and then as months, years pass, its really difficult to be honest with myself and acknowledge that this is self-delusion and start liberating myself.
That's why I had the excuse well protected for so long, that I should not drive, I am incapable of becoming that responsible and present and anyway, "it's not my style".

So, with patterns I've mentioned that I've identified myself with totally and thus I've became what I judged about myself and although these were only parts of my experiences during specific periods of my lifetime, I've added these one after another to the personality description of 'who I am' and I kept justifying them with the result of becoming more and more judgmental about cars and also self-limited and thus resulting to definitely not wanting to make drivers licence and have a car.

I have no problem to discover a mistake within myself or a delusion to be aware of, because I'd rather lose the experience of 'ignorance & bliss' but to wake up to the most possible reality, even if it means to face the most fearful thing - the unknown within change.

I've been facing, understanding, forgiving and letting go another fears and convictions with DesteniIProcess course and community already, such as spiritual beliefs, abdication of responsibility for my suppression and anger toward myself, addiction to weed, sugar, sex, 'trance states', fear from taking responsibility, resisting to open up and communicate within vulnerability or within partnership, thus I was aware of that I can change myself if I really dedicate and invest time and effort for really understanding the building blocks of a mind-pattern, the word relationships I exist within, so listened the EQAFE - Fears and Phobias interviews multiple times, I made notes, and I decided to use what was suggested on how to decompose these patterns in relation to fear from cars, driving cars.

In the beginning it was quite challenging, and then I started a driving school, first with theory, the traffic rules, then first aid course, and finally, when I passed the test on the traffic rules, I started to drive a Suzuki with an instructor. That was quite scary at first, I had resistance every time I walked out of my door towards the driving place at the other part of the city, but I knew that with each step I take, each minute I drive, I accumulate the will and direction and actual practical, physical skill to un-learn this resistance and fear.

At the same time I was writing self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments to align myself with what I do change, how I should be aware of the patterns before reacting to them and how to focus to what is relevant, here, driving, the car, the traffic and start trusting myself.

Many times I had to go real specifics, such as 'fear of hitting a mother with baby cart' and then to decompose that and if I actually get reacted to fear all the time, I do not direct myself to PREVENT that happening by driving safely. So in this sense - fear actually blocks me to prevent myself manifesting that fear. Or fear from breaking the car, or fear from having no fuel in the car so then I'd be stuck. Fear from not having money to tow it away if it breaks, fear from falling asleep while driving, fear from somebody from the another lane would just hit me, fear from a truck straying to 'my' lane, etc, etc - all fears I open up and before reacting to see - what I can do to prevent that kind of accident - and then become aware of the trigger point, and giving myself a 'second chance' to not react, to not go into fear, but into action, active prevention and step by step, removing this halo of 'bad' association and to actually allow myself to learn driving, to learn skills to prevent accidents. And with driving - it's also part of the package that sometimes regardless of what I do - somebody else still can make mistake and then I will be just part of that - and I can only guarantee to a point of safety, and from there - I am basically exposed to the elements. But still - often it's a half second what one needs to assess the hazard and act responsibly, thus mostly it's about to be able to be present consistently. Thus mostly my challenge was to debunk that idea of myself that I can't be here constantly. It's still a process I walk through, and with driving is that most of the time one does not need extra sharp skills to apply while driving, but at hazardous moments definitely!

Thus I learned driving, I was so anxious at first, but the skill, the self-trust have accumulated day by day.

It was more than a half year actually, but when I was ready, I passed my driving exam at first try and then soon I was driving my first car! Actually it was bought together with a friend, who also needed one and thus it was not so intimidating for me at first as he was also supporting me about how to maintain the car, how to drive not just around the tutorial routes, but anywhere, anytime.

Sure, I made mistakes, scratched the car here and there, sometimes turned into the opposite lane at some corners at night time, was uncertain at specific situations on who should go first, but at a certain point I was ready. I moved out from the city and I had to(and since then still) drive every day to go to work and that was my decision to have the opportunity to drive a lot, through the most crazy traffic ever possible in Budapest, and so I did. Later I sold my half ownership of the car to my friend and bought my own car, which is an awesome ride and I drove more than 20.000 km with it already at all kinds of roads, conditions, situations and combinations. I am still learning every day something new, but no fear is blocking it now, yet I do not take unnecessary risks and do all I can to ensure safety.

It is indeed a stinky, loud and quite environment-unfriendly ride, but as the industry develops, it's not too far that there will be less and less polluting cars soon, and although self-driving cars are also emerging pretty soon, I still see effective and reliable driving as a quite important skill to have to be able to move and express, connect and share within this world.

Furthermore, for those who are often busy within their mind, or coming down from drugs or being disorganized, preoccupied - learning to drive is a therapy and I am not kidding, even my instructor, who teaches it since 25 years told me that and he was absolutely supportive with me.

I do not drink or take drugs anymore, ever, so being constantly sober is also a virtue I enjoy, especially when about to drive, no matter how late, how great party I find myself at(for instance I often go to extremely intense hi-tech trance parties, where people often are high or drunk), from the craziest moment, I just take a breath and sit into the car and drive by being present, vigilant and responsible. That is a gift I thank for EQAFE and myself equally.

There are dozens of fear and phobia topics within that series, such as diseases, Armageddon, loneliness, not being good enough, fear of flying, being cheated, fear of pain, etc.

There is a way to stop accepting fear and phobias, but one has to study the mind, the nature of the fear, to dare to dig up some old memories, understand the dynamics of one's mind reactions and then to apply the process to accumulate self-direction and practical change.

I did it by walking through each of the dimensions I've mentioned before (the money point, the pollution point, the fear of hitting someone, the fear of not being able to be present constantly and other points came up during this) and applied writing, self-forgiveness(because I give for myself a new chance by recognizing my responsibility within the very(finding exact words) specific fear/resistance), self-corrective statements(to structure and support my practical change with remembering what should I do at critical moments, such as breathe, relax and look around, apply common sense and go) and also committing myself to live my decision to stop the fear, to start expanding and actually practically changing.

Whatever the fear is I see - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing that fear without questioning how it came, what was the trigger point, what memory I associate with it, what words, emotions, thoughts I experience, what is the reason I still accept it, etc - going into the specifics helps with recognizing and understanding the point.

And the next moment I find myself in that situation, when I see the trigger point I already recognized, already written down and understood where that can lead me if I react the same way - and there is this change I can create by having a choice to not participate. Or even I only want to not participate in the fearful thought, emotion, but I still feel compelled to get into the fear.
That is where it starts to get more specific, real, and in fact leads to the real understanding of who I am, who I allowed myself to become and the more I accept the self-dishonesty(because I see now, I could stop it), the more I will feel responsible and I eventually I have to make a stand and not give into it, regardless of I have no idea what I will do, react if not the usual fear. I will figure out. I even can create a new reaction, direction of me in that situation what I could see as supportive. And then I test it out. And then if I'd see a better way, I'd change accordingly.

Direct, Self-change is what makes us aware, not when being changed by external conditions - that's preprogramming.

So, I drive - naturally, and I have not yet tested many kinds of cars yet, only about a half dozen, but seems like I can drive them just alright as mine after a while, so I can say that I can drive a car now, which might not seem as extraordinary, but for myself, who knows where I 'came from' - it's pretty impressive, which thus given me more self-trust and self-respect as well by proving that this fear/phobia was not just totally self-created, unreal and totally self-limiting - it supported me to change and open up to a lot of new aspects of life I've never could imagine before!

I am extremely grateful for EQAFE for this and I recommend it with all of my fiber of my being to everyone - even if one has no outstanding fear of phobia, maybe one day will meet somebody who has, and thus could give some support, chance to let go. ... rs-phobias

It might seem weird to give some coins for it, but for a price of a burger to get the understanding and the support for practical change(which then also can be applied to another fears&phobias) is actually a great deal. Well, for me it was extremely worthy, and everyone has to decide where does invest their energy. And there are a LOT of EQAFE interviews, what can be downloaded without payment...
(Before anyone would go into reaction of if this is so good, why not free? - The production and online availability of these interviews have some cost, which then actually will be used to create more interviews - I do not gain anything from promoting it, I genuinely recommend it for self-liberation as it supported me and others already a LOT)

Enjoy expanding and transcending fears and phobias!

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 02 Jan 2017, 01:35 ... ciousness/

Recently watched some great movies and reflecting back to the systematic nature of Consciousness and how is possible to understand how the human mind works in order to assist and support ourselves with practical change.

First watched the In the Mouth of Madness (1994), then The Manchurian candidate(2004).

Different type, genre and style – yet for me shown the same aspect about human consciousness. I’d suggest to watch both, although the first one is rather a comedy/gory horror/philosophical train ride, the second is a slower, more like peeling off, investigative, conspiracy-related story line, but within both movie, the protagonists recognize that they have been used as a tool within somebody else’s plan who was altering their mind consciousness, utterly and brutally. No more spoilers.

How to create/alter/re-write history/reality/future and how consciousness is actually operating as a system?
Or shall I rephrase to say consciousness is an operating system for the human? Although it’s quite mesmerizing and has deep-ends, it certainly is limited bluntly and when one is awakening, rather painfully, but it is only then to be realized how limited it is; not just when one is talking smart, streetwise or rephrasing the spiritual mumbo-lingo, but to walk it into and as the physical as the living flesh.

Or all these zombie movies with the walking and re-animated dead…or all those cheesy vampire stories, wherein they are even the good guys, the ones to find as desirable, hot – I mean in this system Everything is a Symbol.
The question is am I asking questions? Am I answering too?

It’s all related to the human mind’s condition, which is within it’s programmability. That’s why we are susceptible to ‘mind control’ and ‘brainwashing’, ‘culture’ and ‘imprinting’, just pick any desire from ‘deep within’ and go out there and try to attain it – or to sneak around our un-worded, background-lurking secret fears what we cannot comprehend, face or even acknowledge.

Human nature is nothing but long and consistent accumulation of pre-conditioning, ‘guided meditation’, ‘group trance’, and a lot of powerlessness, thus spiced up with a lot of survival instinct and fear.

If I look at poor family’s children, their lack of vocabulary, the underdeveloped writing and communication skills in fact determine their actual possibilities to venture in the world system and become so to speak ‘successful’, meaning not becoming grinded into survival and fight for material or even spiritual goals, such as house, car, travel; or overcoming anxiety, shame, phobias and to find inner balance, stability and trust and to live beyond survival and self-interest to actually being able to give back real value to the system.

There are few, who get more rich or find peace emerging from the poor, but it is rare, almost random and one might just say it’s neo-darwinism, as now it’s not about who can kill more and faster, but who can adapt faster and easier into a system of deception, layers of superimposed facades and glimpses of what life could be without compromises, but beyond each of consciousness character, there is vast and lacking emptiness, which to fill, consciousness itself has just a handful, yet powerful tricks and tips at it’s – and thus our – disposal: belief, blame, greed, fear of loss.

Most of the people who claim themselves to be in the ‘awakening state’ praise, eulogize and celebrate consciousness, although it’s quite a cheap trick and it’s nothing more but an elaborate con. Science will show us soon when soon will pump out more and more ‘environment-and self-aware’ Artificial Intelligence units, such as robots, interfaces, whole systems, what eventually will be designing their own next generation with their superior mathematical and virtualization power and they will analyze, reproduce and evolve how we are built and then everyone will see that consciousness is certainly NOT Life.

It tries to imitate it as close as possible, and definitely can fool the not yet life-aware individual manifestations and expressions of One Life ‘itself’, but to trust in consciousness is really the worst advocate a human can find, because it’s nature is CON itself, therefore it only reflects back our lack of self-trust, self-knowledge, self-honoring and the very experience of being separated from our own life-source as awareness of all what is here in and as existence. Consciousness cannot exist without relationships, and the very points of relationship is which through we are defined, owned, limited. It’s a system.

I used to wonder what movies I really-really like, and just now I realized that the ones what can glimpse up a little more of how consciousness works, it almost ‘feels like’ iself is trying to show us what we are accepting and allowing to be enslaved by.

But only those who really look can see.

The saying of ‘Nothing is what it seems.‘ – or to remain in the ‘movie‘ style – ‘The owls aren’t what they seem.‘.

How to walk through the maze of consciousness and what are those building blocks of it?

I tell a little back story of mine, from where I started to question my own existence…

When I finished university, I was lucky to have a psychologist partner, who was quite open to not only mainstream psychological models and views, but also to more ‘fringe at that time’ ones, such as works of Carl Jung and Andras Feldmar – these two have influenced me to start on my own journey to discover what is beyond my personality, which was extremely frustrating and limited, when I was about 20 years old.

Jung talked about the layers of the human mind, such as unconscious, subconscious, conscious minds and how we are only aware of the conscious mind, yet the other two also influence, direct us, much-much more than we want to acknowledge and understand, and I had an openness to this view since quite early of my own awakening process, often I felt myself to be quite instinct-based being, who had many times experienced life like an animal. It’s a weird comparison, but often I felt myself like that, I was raw and wild within, yet I was able to suppress it, so I could act the nice guy to comply my fear of rejection and failure, but within how I experienced was that beyond my conscious mind, there was some more primal and direct force what was basically pulling the strings within my life and I had no idea how and why.

Feldmar talked about mind-altering substances with which one can have a specific experience of mind-death, from which one can release all what to humans holding onto, such as all kinds of fears, desires, struggles, definitions as in the perception of death, one kind of gives up all, because it’s a total release/explosion/melting down experience and with that he suggested that one can start to investigate what’s beyond the conscious mind who we perceive ourselves to be.

I became quite obsessed with studying the mind according to things currently available at libraries, slowly but surely moving towards eastern and older-culture-based views, practices, in order to explore the whole spectrum of humanity’s available knowledge and information to be able to have deeper understanding and preferably also to find reasons and purpose for my existence. I even tried to find gurus and masters to tell me what to do but that usually did not work, especially when I considered that until I can’t rely to myself – I am still vulnerable to external control, limitation, and I had to ensure that there is a starting point from which I can take my life to my own hands, not to be dependent.

As I was peeling off the layers of my culture, the morality, the inhibition and suppression, I had to realize that there is nothing within me, what cannot be decomposed, understood and released within my perception of who I am or why I do what I do. The constant quest I was on was: WHY? This very thing can help to tumble down to the rabbit hole totally – there is no need any meditation, substance or any altered state – but the decision and application of self-honesty.

I am also going to give an example of how to walk through a pattern within the mind with simply questioning and answering. Many people claim that they need special knowledge, empowerment, mind-altering substance, years of eastern mysticism or shamanic/religious/trance rituals to perform in order to know, be empowered with or understand a more, deeper level of how reality actually works.

That’s not true, actually it’s quite the opposite – the more someone indulges into these kind of agendas, the merrier these will influence and alter the person’s perception and even the starting point and it’s tricky, because most of them contain some relevance to facts, but only partially – and I have made the mistake of wanting to gather the ‘truth’ from all of them to put together – it’s too tedious, exhausting and quite unnecessary to do so. Not even mentioning that when I recognize my flawed/self-dishonest acceptance of myself – how could I trust myself to recognize what’s relevant/good within what? First I have to purify and decompose to have to ensure the purity and effectiveness of letting go patterns of self-limitations.

To transcend, we do not need any technology/religion/spirituality – only self-honesty and to be able to question + answer and forgive for ourselves our accepted mistakes, meaning not to regret, but to understand the consequences, to recognize the tendency before participating, preventing and giving space and time to something new and also the commitment to stop those mistakes, fears, delusions and finding practical ways to actually become that forgiveness, that commitment, that living action. It’s as simple as 1+1=2.

Forgiveness is not just to turn a blind eye on something bad/unjust/selfish/evil – it does not make any sense if it’s not really lived into action – that’s why forgiving to others does not make much sense either if the person does not change – they have to forgive for themselves. The same way with my own self-dishonesty – fear is self-dishonesty. Self-interest is self-dishonesty, because it’s also based on fear of loss, although it does not mean to sacrifice myself with no reason. Self-honesty is also practical common sense…

img_6035So for a relevant point for myself today:
I don’t feel like continuing with my video making.
I feel like it’s a waste of time.
I think it’s not going to be that good that I would define as worthy.
I think I imagined perfectly, but turns out that it will be mediocre.
Because I’ve defined this, because of this and that, to be mediocre.
Because I’ve used previously seen artworks, movies, I’ve seen in TV, VHS, Cinemas.
Because I’ve defined that is quality and that I wanted to be able to create.
Because I want to become successful and respected.

Because I have to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough.
Because I grew up with the fear that I am not good enough.
Because I have experienced falls and failures during my childhood what felt horrible and could not let it go.
Because I’ve created a system within me what charges energy when feeling bad, shit, horrible and that fuels a motivation to become better.
Because I do not want to fail again, it’s so horrible, I have to work hard to avoid it.
Because I experience negative things and I become influenced by negative things, the way I do not like it.
Because I start defining myself according to what and how I experience.
Because I identified myself with what I experience in my mind according to what I define and judge automatically.
Because I have this separation in my mind which through I can polarize as positive or negative based on my interest in regarding to all my judgments and memories.
Because this way I can apparently use the past to not make the mistakes again in the future.
Because I fear from making mistakes, thus rather not even move to avoid it at all costs.
Because I fear that I can’t change and expand, thus I have to avoid specific experiences/conditions/situations to keep my mind-state to not be faced with the inability to change.
Because then I become frustrated and by I focus to the frustration and not even looking it’s source anymore, so basically become distracted by the reaction and not seeing the point.
Because then I do not see the problem directly, thus not even being capable of solving it, thus I can remain ‘hiding’ behind false resistances.
Because I have experiences and memories when tried to push through resistances and I given up.
Because I started to lose the stability of what I’ve defined as my mind, and without that I was becoming more uncertain.
Because I did not give direction to myself, thus I was exposed to random things and I felt myself being unstable, and not realized that what I experience as polarity system of stability/instability – is not me, but my mind system, and then as I identified myself with it, I started to protect it by justifications and excuses, why I give up freedom from conditioning.
Because then I do not have to be aware of the exact point I justify being resisted to, I still can be ignorant.
Because I fear from unknown, because then I will not have any judgment, memory, polarity, definition, rule, idea to help me to face it, I would be totally vulnerable, naked and that is scary.
Because I could lose myself, I could lose things I hold onto.
Because I do not know what will happen and I fear from that.
Because within facing the unknown, I would face with myself and that scares me.
Because I do not want to face and experience and know myself without any extra layer.
Because I fear from realizing who I am here, what I have became, what I would experience or do.
Because I do not trust myself.
And this can be continued – see – there is no need to pray for gods for years, to say mantras for months, to dance in trance for a day, to take psychedelic drugs for hours to go deeper into my mind, to find understanding, reality itself. I mean, one can do it for fun or exploration, but for self-realization, self-support, self-growth, self-liberation, certainly not.

Although personally I’ve made the decision to not continue with those, once found self-honest writing and self-forgiveness this powerful for real change – as it’s very direct: I only have to honestly question and answer to myself. No gurus, teachings, imaginary friends, other worlds relevant – there could be cool stories about what might have been, but what’s relevant is what is here in my current here and present moment. Always. Sometimes I still dance to trance music, but just for self-expression, no expectation, no drugs, no alcohol, but physical presence. But even in relation to that I had to walk through a decomposition phase and let go all the concepts in my mind what stood in the way of being really present on the dance floor. Why I want to intensify? Why I want to ‘get through’, Why exactly is not good currently? What do I experience? How it’s being triggered? What do I resist? What do I fear?

That’s why kids also ask ‘Why?‘ – and we get fed up and stop answering – and maybe at the exact same point where our resistances/fears stopped us to explore further. Of course one parent can say: ‘just being annoyed and don’t have time for this/feeling tired/busy‘ – but if really that is the case, one should reconsider and start using the opportunity to walk this process with the child to ask and answer – this way also teaching by example…

That is challenging, and at points you might experience resistance towards asking the right and direct questions, especially wherein already have been some ‘unsuccessful’ imprinting within the past.
Resistance might come up as an idea of ‘oh, I have to do this or that’ – and jumping away, like a distraction – remember, we’ve been mastering our ability to have excuse to remain limited and fearful, powerless and doubtful to the point of never really being absolutely honest with ourselves. That’s about to change.

Write down the question to not forget and focus to the resistance, name it, word it’s physical experience too and it’s already being tamed, as I write, type the characters, write with the pen, forming the letters – my mind slows down, I focus to the physical expression of writing, and I see one point at a time – this way I can really see the things coming up within me. And as I word the experiences, I can dig further, start investigating. When a resistance dissolves, I can continue with the point I started to walk through.

Why I resist understanding why I keep becoming shy and suppressing, worrisome and awkward near to women who I feel attraction towards?

img_5642I fear that if I make a mistake or do stupid things, the person who I am attracted to might judge me as unworthy of wanting to continue to be with, to spend time with, etc.
Why I fear that?
Because I feel like I have something to lose and it depends on my actions and I remember how I screwed up similar situation in the past.
Because I do not trust myself who I am without ‘behaving the way I think she would be attracted to me’
I trust within personality patterns, tactics, not myself, because my memory tells me that I was a loser
Because I made mistake and I’ve defined myself according to that mistake. Then I trust that condition and situation as to be remembered to avoid next accident.

Okay, this is just an example, but see – this also can be looked at as a skill – which then can be learned, and it’s essential to real understanding.

Here Self-forgiveness can give a new perspective – not just with understanding, but already taking responsibility within realizing how this was not self-honest – and thus expressing my decision to stop this pattern, start changing myself as realizing I can do it. Or if not, then I ask and answer more. Until it’s clear, here.

For instance I apply:

I forgive myself that I have not realized why exactly I do not trust myself in all ways, situations, conditions and never considered to decide to understand and thus being able to discover what to do in order to trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within participating the fear of failure, I’ve focused to the emotional reaction of that fear, instead of the actual subject of my fear, which is to not make the video or make it but not being the level of quality I want to do.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that without making it, even allowing to make mistakes, I do not fear, I do not expand, I do not understand, thus realizing making mistake is part of the process, and within that I forgive myself that I have identified myself with the experience, the reaction to making mistake, and thus defining myself with and as the mistake, and thus wanting to avoid it and within that, not moving, not expanding, not living.
See – this is how one awakens, not with repeating a mantra and feel energies in the stomach and get high.
Or at least this is much more direct and obvious way. I can choose to start trusting myself by running in the forest with blindfolded eyes or to use a torch and see directly. Weird analogy, but anyway. Always ask questions, and answer them – and if you cannot, ask for support from the ones who are proving to be able to walk the mind, such as buddies at the Desteni I Process online course. I’ve go so many support from this online ‘school’, that is extraordinary. That’s why I share these words also – as it might support others too, certainly would do if one is applying 100%. The key is consistent application.

When I stop the flow of this questioning, there is a judgement, or a justification, to have an excuse why I ‘do not have to’ continue digging, asking, understanding – and that is certainly a point of self-dishonesty, what can and should be further investigated and stopped participating within and to continue the expansion.
See – words are specific, words are powerful elements of our mind consciousness, thus it’s really suggested to get to know our own definitions of words, our relationships, associated memories, feelings to specific words – they might not been set-up the most effective/supporting way, maybe I was influenced by tremendous fear in the moment I concluded something in my past, which never re-visited, thus I still carry that in my personality.
And such as the brick wall of human development: most children are special, talented, artistic and smart, and as their brick wall is being built word by word – one or two ‘flawed’ construct will not cause huge problem, but as the building is being built, those at the foundation level will have to carry a much more weight and that’s why it’s specific the first years to have the greatest parenting, education possible…

Later it’s much more work to decompose the person-s building blocks to dig out which are the faulty ones, that’s why each parent wants the best for their children, but within the current human system, it’s limited by the values humans agreed upon, most of the people have no money for proper education for their children, or having no time to support their children, and this rolls forward generation by generation of human consciousness.

That’s for now about my rant on consciousness, just let me add two more TV series in relation to it:

I’d also suggest to check out the 2016 version of Westworld, as it also tells a story about that – creation of consciousness systems.

I’d even add Humans(2015) TV Series too.

Both has A.I, what goes through a sort of gaining consciousness and struggling with decisions about what awareness should mean or to be applied as, what is purpose and going through a journey of who they really are.

I’ve found these latter two also quite specific to understand how human consciousness systems have been sort of engineered, pre-programmed, controlled and used for enslavement.

It’s very specific to watch through Westworld Season 1 and to recognize the similarities of human’s mind consciousness systems and the ‘hosts’ journey there.

The very point from where ‘they gain full consciousness’ – is quite irrelevant, but from that moment, if we start really honestly investigating and comparing ‘them’ to actual humans – the differences is merely technological/biological, but philosophically, spiritually and existentially there is(or will be) no difference.

There is even a fun moment within a scene(I think in Humans 2nd season), where an A.I says that humans are countless, like pests, they are worthless and the real value is them(the self-conscious robots), because it’s new, rare and much more promising in terms of what still can become, meanwhile humans are already what they are – and within that quite limited, flawed and even possibly doomed by their own hands too due to self- and environmental destruction by greed and power, which are in a way also quite meaningless – philosophically speaking, of course.

So, to understand consciousness, to understand our own mind, personality, the way we can be influenced, changed is crucial to become really aware of what we are, what are the consequences we manifested and how to start accumulating a real awakening, not just one within consciousness, but beyond, and certainly more directly.

To further challenge with one point: the human flesh is way more superior than consciousness itself, just to start with. Consider that what organization, billions of cell’s unified work has to be done in each moments for a human to function. Are we aware of that? Consciousness itself is also just a halo, a net, a layer over the body – . Imagine if you would go thinking about that cute girl from yesterday, you would be so far away, that you would forget to breathe and the brain would stop functioning…That would be weird…Many think that’s an advantage, but honestly, we are just as unaware as our other parts of consciousness we are also unaware of. And luckily we have these physical bodies, what are consistent, alive, always present, while our mind can shift into spaces/times here and there, and there is no continuity, only within it’s constant change, while the body’s heart beats, breathes, and these represent a consistent location, the only stable point within the whole universe we can and should to consider as starting point, a real location and relevant point to start taking responsibility for in relation to each of our individual life, social networks, family, friends, bracket of reality to see what are the potentials and where I can ask the right question to answer to unlock myself from any limitation I’ve allowed to physically become. Walk this process and see that consciousness is not just limited, slow and annoying – it is our one aspect we must transcend before embracing life itself as ourselves as equal as one.

I do not preach about Self-forgiveness and Self-honesty, Writing and asking/answering questions – anyone can state immediately that: “It’s not my style/way” – although one has to be really honest to see if it’s not justification and excuse. Many, like I did, often have to go through extreme amount of out of ordinary and I’d even say dangerous experiences to lose almost everything multiple times and to recognize that – again – I’ve a huge mistake – although mistakes are part of the process, it does not mean one has to timeloop until extreme frustration and pain, anger and even self-hatred emerges. Do not believe what I wrote, investigate and walk your journey to life yourself. Everyone is unique, but the things we have to transcend is quite the equal, the same: our own mind consciousness system limitation fear mechanism. Just a cool reference point to not get cocky and remain humble and to give as we would like to receive.

It is certainly a great way is to look at world events, movies, stories, products and systems to always start with reflecting back to self – what this tells about ME, what I have not yet seen, understood – thus not going into blame, projection, separation to find problems ‘out there’ immediately, but to see within, what is or could be my own responsibility in relation to this point I am facing currently?

For more, check out EQAFE – to learn about consciousness, existence, life with unique audio books.

To learn about Words, how to support our living to be more alive, I’d suggest to go to

Enjoy, share, live!

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