Jozsef's Journey to Life

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 24 Jan 2017, 23:44 ... ind-model/

Talking about the ‘model’ of brick wall mind of a child and how comes that most of the innocent, clever and awesome kids when they grow up ending up having all kinds of mental and emotional scars and problems to have anxiety, doubt, addiction, depression, fears, etc and thus compromising their self-trust, ability and natural expression of enjoyment and exploration of life.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 31 Jan 2017, 23:49 ... -movement/

Empty movementimg_1079

Concise word-vector to explore today. Nothing serious, yet each word is what it is.

Empty, to ensure nothing moves me, but I am me, no thought separates, no negative emotion burns, no positive feeling elevates, but total inner transparency down to the inner core of my very being to directly present self here.

Movement, to express, to share, to live, to direct, to explore, to expand and experience.
So many exerted extrovert word examples to explain.

The more I find emptiness within, the less I need to find motivation to move. Embracing self here is already movement, thus the physical expression is no separation from me here.

I used to believe that I need to find, have, implant, maintain and fuel motivation in order to properly ensure moving myself. To not to run out of mind-fuel so to speak and float in an empty limbo so to speak. But at the same time when I want, when it’s too much, being able to become empty too. Totally. This is basically the war of consciousness within. Total conflict. Constant friction. Existing as refracted, distracted, distanced and separated from all parts of self without unification. So – it was quite a long run, but finally understanding why I have to stop, how I stop.

The recognition here is if I am in any way whatsoever allow my mind to separate me from the motivation I use to move me, my movement is conditional, my expression, my direction is compromised, limited, finite and actually not being united with it, with the subject of my motivation, with the goal of my motivation – it’s like a consistent puzzle game.

What do I mean my mind to separate me from motivation? With my mind I can split the world, subject-object, from participant I become observer, a judgement can born and thus polarity too, according to my interest.
I am motivated to go to work to the office by the salary. Would I still go there if I would get that money free? Probably not. Am I owned by that motivation? Do I need that money? Is that still a decision I make every day that I should continue to go in for that money? Yes. Am I compromised? Yes, in a way – but other way I can also see how I am liberated from worry of survival, granted access to certain things in the human system, such as travel and communication, creativity and sharing, expansion and change. Is that motivation with polarity? No. I am literally that motivation, thus it’s not an effort anymore. I do not need to reinforce it, I become it. This obviously can be problem too, if I become a pattern I am not aware of, when the decision have been made for me, by my past, my fear, my desires; then I am owned by my self-accepted imperfection within due to self-separation through my mind-participation.

Just like when I committed myself to stop drinking alcohol, to constantly say no – and later on joined with all drugs as well – it was an effort – I was motivated, now it’s effortless – I am one and equal with the motivation to be committed to stay sober. For ever? Not saying never, but within self-honest and common sense – it’s still obviously supportive to say no. In the beginning I had some sort of temptation. No doubt, I had.
Sometimes I still encounter a good weed, hey, I even sometimes hold it, smell it, smells good – I can say that too – but to get high with it – I don’t feel so. Not at all. That’s clear. It’s beyond proof. I trust myself in this and I stand unwavering, firm, no matter what.
If I would be facing cancer, extreme pain and it might support me, sure I’d seriously consider it, but until that: it’s clear – I do not take it. I do not need motivation to not to take it. I become that motivation with investigation, self-honesty, decision and living application.

Well, it’s just an example, how and what I mean to be motivation, not be motivated by this and that. Through the mind. The moiiinnnd. Self-separation, big time, if I need to have an inner court, a judge in my head to decide what to do. To plead or abstain participation within any polarity of good or bad, up or down, in or out – any direction.

That’s computer stuff, algorithm, program code, logic, even when someone is being overwhelmingly emotional, that’s still logic – the mind’s logic: I have these proofs of why I should feel and do this way – and my proof is my emotion experience. RIGHT NOW!

See – still a machine. Humans so happily separate themselves from robots with the emotional reasoning – ‘but we have emotions, so we are much more, superior, humans‘ – ridiculous. Give me a handful of talented programmers and I could create human-like emotion system, so intricate, multi-dimensional, rich and vivid as any human can experience or describe. Just no need. It’s obvious. Emotions are the proof that we have allowed our mind consciousness system to run amok within and among ourselves and thus we have lost direction, control and responsibility, thus the sense of actual awareness. Not self-awareness, but LIFE-awareness!

Which entails not only self-interest, but life-in-the-rest. Simple stuff. No argument required, no excuse can be applied, but if still so – with proper deduction, decomposition with practical common sense and self-honesty any complex mind-ego-consciousness system can be transcended. With support. Not alone. Alone we are lonely, vulnerable to our own already accepted and manifested self-dishonesty. Cross-referencing with facts is suggested with others committed to walk through the valley of the shadow of self-delusions with self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-commitment to change.

Why I write this? I used to have the goal to find emptiness. I am certain that this is now ending. Emptiness is no more goal or a state I am looking forward to, but this is where I find myself re-creating from within, because I am change. I am motivation, I am direction, I am movement. Even with the mind, I embrace that serpent, I acknowledge my weaknesses, although I do not define myself along the path I walk through, I do not motivate myself with desire or fear and I certainly not find peace within emptiness anymore.

What is peace but another word to be decomposed and re-defined to ensure nothing I allow to move me from my self-accepted refractions of the past, present and future.

As I stop typing, I feel the tea in my body, my heart is throbbing, through my chest, my arms, my palms, my fingers feeling the rhythmical pressure, my bones in my spine as I sit, the various sounds I hear around, the sound my half-full nose makes as taking breath, my belly raising as air goes into my lung. Behind me, the stove is going cold and as it does, clicks often, always similarly, yet never the same way. Well – this presence can be recognized, yet not to be preoccupied with – balancing with inner presence, awareness, where my words come from, am I aware of what and why I do in this moment? And in this one? What is the direction I accumulate towards in manifesting consequences with this expression, with this word, and then this one, or this next. This is interesting play, words become me and I become words. Nothing less and nothing more.
That’s why it’s relevant to see if any word I express, experience: re-present – is not pointing to the past, with polarity, with separation, relationship with thoughts, feelings, emotions. Because if I do, I am only able to express, experience and one with that word through the mind, with the very act of self-separation I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined with.

So when I mention empty – it does not mean I am empty, like a bucket, no, I am full of life, but my mind is empty of polarity, empty of reactive thought-chain, empty of wet, echoing emotions and empty of energetic high-frequency-generating feelings; yet I understand, I embrace, I know what and why I am and do. Equal and one as who I am within the starting point of life. Including all life, no separation, which is not peace and happiness and love, neither ruthless efficiency and logic. Beyond polarity, beyond reason, but a living recognition of what it means to really live in and as the physical, not separated, not limited, but unified as awareness.

And if not – better to re-align, decompose, forgive and stop to change, to re-define, to live, because if not, then my manifested consequences will be the directive principle I am becoming equal and one to face the very points I not yet became aware of – indirectly first, well, sometimes even directly into my face. It’s my choice. Well – is it really a choice?

You decide.

Enjoy free online course to study the mind through consistent writing, with a seasoned tutor, to learn to forgive and change where it was difficult before:

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 07 Feb 2017, 02:31 ... nscending/

Why people stop transcending?

Just a quick rant I’ve audio-recorded recently, immediately, when I’ve awaken in my bed(‘that’s why my voice sounds less focused) – then added some video timelapses to create a video – but to ensure understanding, just transcribed it also here:

Why people stop transcending?
It’s equally fascinating question – why people start transcending?

Is it really a choice? And in this context – equally interesting.
Maybe stop transcend is neither a choice.

So instead of judging people, try to decompose what options might be in front of the individual where stopping expanding and giving up being honest with self.
For instance I participate in a self-support forum, which really supports with facing self-dishonesty, delusions and providing tools to decompose any thought-based or emotional-automatic reactions, what are in fact based on fear and delusional separation from self, from the world. And sometimes people all of a sudden just say ‘I’m done with this, I’m out of here.’ And no longer participate with this process. And one might wonder what is happening with their own mind and the most important point is that self comes first in terms of responsibility, so instead of judging another’s always look at myself, where I am at my own responsible self-honesty process.
And whenever I’d judge them as uncool or becoming uncertain or even starting to feel emotional reactions, that’s my responsibility to transcend, because if I miss that opportunity, I definitely go into delusion by judging them, projecting issues from my own mind to others. Similar, when people angry they become for the politicians, of what they do apparently to them. And blaming others will never be solution.
And I just wonder, maybe the situation with those, who transcend patterns is that they got to the position and the opportunity to sort out some points within their mind and from now on they can live more comfortably or easily access their own wants, because faced a fear and then were able to let that go, which was blocking their expression. And then all of a sudden: oh – but if I do not fear, I can enjoy myself and go out get stuff, what others also do, why bothering continuing to decompose these patterns in my mind, because fuck this, I feel good now, I should feel good, and only focus to how I experience and what I want.

And yeah, maybe that’s just simple as that. Or they faced a particular pattern fear, which they did not required, maybe they required, but they did not ask for support and assistance to cross-reference what’s real and what’s not and then not wanting to face a particularly, apparently big fear within themselves and starting to justify:
It’s alright if I’m afraid of my kid would get hurt, it’s normal parenting.
It’s normal to accept any justifiable fear, it’s only human.

And these kind of excuses can grow on someone in their mind and all of a sudden gets it becomes momentum and gets direction with self-definition, meaning they believe, it’s them and not realizing it’s accumulated acceptance of self-dishonesty, which they literally become and will be much more difficult to decompose now even the decision have been taken over.
I’ve seen many times.
Hey, everyone, literally everyone have their own moments of transcendence and then seeing things clearly. Maybe, because just hit rock bottom and in that moment everyone can see. But the question is how I continue from that point and am I willing to justify and protect my self-interest and choose a comfortable self-limitation.

And also many people just can become effective in the system by decomposing to a certain degree, being able to change their own personality to become more successful and ‘whoo yeah, I am now successful, I can get money, I can get property, I can get family, I can get happiness so to speak, so I’m done, I’ve transcended, I’ve reached the goal I wanted, and from now on I will enjoy life.
They probably stopped transcending all patterns, because they do not yet understand that everything is interconnected, just maybe not being able to experience it, but still.

And to take responsibility for all as one as equal as myself here is much harder and difficult and longer process to walk through, then just to get to the point of ‘Oh, I am now cool, thanks, bye’.

And I should always reflect back from my own points, where I experience this and see someone so to speak ‘leaving’.
They will never leave from themselves anyway, so if there is opportunity, I get to know more of the situation and then if possible and if I already checked myself within and I’m completely clear of reactions and I’m present within silence, yet I understand what’s the situation, I can offer support, cross-referencing assistance, but if they do not take the opportunity, I have to let go, let them go and continuing walking the process and focus to what I can have responsibility for, directing myself, my own direct reality, my own relationships, my own life, which I can change.
Thank you very much.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 18 Feb 2017, 01:41 ... ging-self/
I am kind of flu-ish right now, but realized this does not stop me from sharing some points today.

Let’s look a day like a mini-creation. I mean, I am already created, the world is too, but in terms of what if I would wake up like I am actually a creator, meaning I could literally create and/or change things.
In my life and in the world equally so.
What would I change? Stop all wars in the world, end slavery, stop the destruction of biodiversity and nature’s healthy ecosystem. This seems like a good choice, but what if those of my changing/creating abilities are not actually magical, supernatural, but totally from this world. I mean we all know that there are actual individuals who are leading the way of re-shaping specific aspects of society with their power of influence, inventions and innovative investments. Just giving an example: electric car. It’s inevitable now, what car company does not brings out awesome electric cars in the next 5-10 years, they soon will fade away silently. Okay, probably there will always be some petrolhead, but here talking about the majority.
So if I look at what it would take to imagine/plan/finance/develop/create/maintain/profit and expand such company: it’s not magical – but a lot of effort, work, work and work. That’s what I am referring to here.
Not the excuses and justifications, but to see what it would take to change the world.

This might not be an obvious approach, so let’s go like this:

What if I would not be limited from within, mentally, emotionally, morally at all – ever – and then this comes up: I’d be then limited by financially, right? Because if I would have endless amount of money, how things would be much-much easier?
But really? I’d hire a bunch of professionals of what I’d like them to do, like ‘fix the economy’ or ‘make people become smarter’.
Hehe, does not those super-rich politicians do exactly like this, the latest monkeylord presidents here and there, and probably soon there will be more of these opportunists – don’t they do what they think is the best? It does not matter in what context of what interest they mean -the best-. Of course it matters, but what it takes to get into such position is also a question here.

I am sure they will have to be absolute dedication, commitment, self-trust and relentless effort of accumulating of actually DOING STUFF. Only actions are relevant, all thoughts are like smoke – fly away pretty quick.

I do really want to change the world, make it better, not needing children to suffer as much as I did suffer, although in comparison I did not suffer that much as other kids suffer elsewhere – I definitely wish to end that too.
In fact by looking at the kids starving to death, being drone-missiled to shreds, being brainwashed as suicide bombers – or being a 7 years old slave in a sapphire-mine or a scrapyard – my own childhood limitations and sufferings were like a privileged happy barbie camp.

But still – my family was struggling, most of the adults often shouted and argued drunk, because of lack of money, their fear and insecurities plus their constant petty blaming all the time. I could use better clothes, more proper equipment, gear to learn and study a lot more effectively, especially if some of my school teachers would not have been such douches and hitting me several times, which did hurt me not really physically, but also made me realize, I should trust myself, not in school, not in family support, not in others – although my constant desire was to find somebody or something to tell me what to do and how to do it – and it never came.

The real support was to show me how can I support and assist myself to change my world, which originates from me, within, myself here. How I would want to change the world of everyone if I can’t stop being nervous when talking to a woman I like? Or how could I imagine being an inspiring leader for the betterment of humanity if I am shy and uncertain when I would have to make a speech or talk in front of a bunch of people?
More specifically:
How could I become an example of world change, if I could not change my self-compromising habits, such as being addicted to relentlessly avoiding responsibility, stability and consistency, unwilling and unable to commit myself to a real partnership? I had to realize that who I was had to die, I have to rebirth and reinvent, re-define and re-create myself.
Although my aim was getting more clear of what I have to do, for a while I was mesmerized with experiences and intensity, desires and inner resistances, I walked some years with spirituality, psychedelic drugs and a sort of off-grid lifestyle. Well, after a while this did lead to literally nowhere and I’ve walked some big cycles and after each I’ve found myself literally at the same spot I’ve started with nothing but myself here.
It was obvious that what I accumulate has no merit, no substance and no real self-trust here.

So after the next hit rock bottom experience, I’ve re-started searching for the N. time and this time I’ve found something really interesting, about the concept of self-honesty, the principle of equality and oneness and the practical application of self-forgiveness. That immediately hit my mind, like a virus and could not let go.

Then I literally dropped immediately all previous concepts, belief systems, processes, methods, thoughts and realized that I always chase oneness and equality separately and the only reason was that I always remained separated, thus powerless from being one AND equal with myself at the same time, is because of my mind, my consciousness, my systematic thought, emotion, feeling-processes, basically pre-conditioned to situations, experiences, words, sound, visual and other sensory stimuli.

In this world, the ability to change starts with changing myself to being able to see things as they are – also starting with self: seeing what I am accepting and allowing currently.

And it’s a tough one, never to be underestimated. Even though I am literally accepting and allowing everything to exist and continuing to be re-created in this world, on this earth, within this human ‘civilization’, I am not aware of the specifics, thus I do not understand, I am literally unaware.
I am not even aware of how my own human physical body works – seems like magic, science itself is still only scratching the surface, so how can I be so sure of what’s possible and what not if not investigated anything and everything by myself?

Again – although seems so fascinating to jump into the household of living cells and DNA-reproduction, I’d still start with my immediate, obvious reality within and around me – let’s say human relationships, family. Why? Because it’s here, I can approach it every day, I can work with it, I can slow down, I can create distance and observe, I can get closer, I can interact, it’s a direct system, which is here. Of course not everyone is fortunate enough to have family or not being totally douche bags, but most of us have ~okay~ family to start to learn about self.

Even though, I want to change let’s say how my family members argue and fight with each other, and every time I am among them, I get frustrated, ashamed, nervous, angry and then I also might start shouting at them and eventually leaving them and spending time to calm down, blame them, basically giving up on them, but not really, -not giving up- on them either, thus constantly re-creating the cycle of the same pattern. Even further: it always changes, evolves a bit more each time it happens, what’s being accumulated becomes part of reality and once actions were made, words have been said, there is consequence, which of some cannot be changed back. For instance in my family, once I witnessed how my drunk grandpa took the door off from it’s hinges and started to bash other family members with it while my mum jumped at his neck with a knife to save my grandma from him and luckily no one has injured seriously, but that scene probably influenced me much more than just watching it on TV and my family’s and probably my own life could have been gone into different direction if that night would have ended with a fatality, which was kind of luck in a way… So yes, irreversible consequences do exist. Best cure is prevention.

In this situation for instance, – when the family is only at ‘argument level’ – although it seems like obviously ‘my family members’ are the problem in my world, what I’d like to change – who I am today and how I handle ‘them’ – makes it impossible to have actual direction, influence and power, the ability to solve actual problems.
Why? Because I am part of this system now, as long as I am automatically reacting, then acting upon those reactions – I am part of the problem.

So, even though it might seem as good idea to somehow get control over the arguing people’s conversation, my starting point is influenced by, motivated with my own reactions, which is already stimulating me in a way I might not be aware to the utmost extent, because when I am in it, I am of it too.

Thus, first step is to be able to see what I am accepting and allowing and take responsibility for that.
Also to take responsibility for what I have not accepted and allowed to see/realize/understand about this, within me, in relation to the situation.

Then I can realize that I could totally not react, not get angry, emotional, taking it personally the things I hear/see from others and it’s a process to stop reacting to the things I’ve defined and experienced as negative since aeons of time. That’s my interest and there will be a lot of justifications of why it’s in my interest to do so.

Until I do not take a ‘leap of faith’ in this stopping/decompositing with the realization that ‘it’s bad enough now to start questioning’ – I will not stop automatically judging and reacting, and thus I will not be able to start to really see and understand what’s going on.

And the more reactions and judgements, emotions and thought-patterns I can prevent re-occuring within me, the more I will be able to understand, not only about myself, but the dynamics of these ‘arguments’, the other participants too.

It’s the next point I should look at – my justifications – is there any polarity, self-interest, emotional charge, reaction in regarding to those words of with I justify? To take responsibility for that is common sense. Part of the healing process.

It does not mean I should accept bully and abuse, definitely not, but I should not react with pre-defined patterns, which by I get locked into an experience automatically.

For instance if everyone gets angry around me and I could remain stable and directive, that would already be such a presence among them, that they might recognize it already – and furthermore I could start to see them for the first time without being distracted and overwhelmed by my own reactions in regarding to them.

Then still – to see what comes up in my mind, what judgement, positive or negative about others, and I also take responsibility for those – because it seems like it’s about them, well, it’s still within me, completely, thus until I can’t stop that – I will not directly see the situation, the others.

It’s pretty obvious. Well, it was not for me 9 years ago, and it might not be for someone else, but it’s even within science has been proven – the observer by it’s own observation already influences the observed. Meaning, what I experience about someone can be uncontrollably biased my own preconceptions. How can I be sure that I am not doing it? Practical understanding to it’s utmost specificity.

If I am not aware of what I actually thought 2 minutes before and why; or 5 minutes, ten minutes before – that literally means I am not really aware. I might be always conscious within a certain context, but certainly not aware. That’s a huge difference.

Consciousness vs awareness – knowing vs understanding. And if I do not understand how and why my thoughts pester in my head, it should be pretty obvious that I am not really aware of why I am doing what I am doing.

And this alone literally makes it impossible to objectively see, not only myself, but then based on my perception then: anything and everyone, including myself.

It’s like I try to change something in the world, which I am not even seeing clearly. Obviously I am not going to change it as I’d like to. It’s like when I put on binoculars the wrong way and I try to walk around and as I try to grab objects around me – my perception is wrong! Or opening up a car hood and randomly poking around with a wrench while not having any idea how this works – the chances of making it better are thin, most probably I’d make things worse.

Silly, but quite accurate comparison and example.

Then people, as they realize that their effort is not bringing the result they desire, they get more angry and choose to deal the situation with control, aggression – deception or weapons and destruction.

If I can’t explain to my neighbours why would be awesome to live in peace, I might soon ending up persuading someone, or the whole ‘nation’, the ‘congress’, the ‘cabinet’ that ‘those are the problem’ and a couple of thousands of thermonuclear weapons of mass destructions will be the solution for our ‘defense’ and peace. Insane, but this is the reality we are facing on earth.

One unrealized singular thought in the head is enough to misinterpret the reality and thus totally reacting with a really silly action with full confidence. Then imagine how many thoughts people have all the time, every day. Hundreds and thousands! It’s actually scary and sad at the same time, especially when one realizes the extent of deep shit we put ourselves into, individuals and humanity as a whole as well.

But then again – it’s not common sense to overreact on this topic either – but until someone does not admit the extent of insanity and total powerlessness of our own existence through our biased perception, our own mind consciousness system, then the individual will still trust reactions, thoughts, more easily get tempted to project, blame and justify, give up or overreact, because that’s the language of CONsciousness.

All in short – any change must start with self – because as the reality currently exists, including SELF here – is part of it, resonates with it, accepts it, as allows it – the individual is already equal and one with the problem, just not yet became aware of it, in details of it’s creation, and thus having no practical understanding how to accumulate actions towards changing it as self as equal as one.

All starts with apparently insignificant steps, changing the world starts with changing self. Until I can’t change myself, how would I like to change the world, which is a much complex system.

I indeed grew up in an arguing family, I used to react, I used to suppress, I used to judge, I used to accept such behavior until I realized I do not have to and if I ever want to change it, start supporting the arguing individuals, first I have to become the living example who I’d support with.

In Hungary, there is the saying: Help yourself and the god will help you. It refers to not wait, beg or pray for help, but do it yourself and within that you realize that you are creator and created already, now just have to live with that opportunity and for that there is no need any religion or belief.

For most of a problematic situation there is no one blueprint to always apply – sometimes to speak up, sometimes to walk away, sometimes to raise or lower voice – but never of emotions, never of energetic possessions, that’s certain. That’s like petrol to fire – just uncontrollable.

I also used to have problem with raising my voice, because it was intertwined and associated, remembered, pre-programmed within me with losing control, I used to shout only, when I already lost temper.

And interestingly, when I had to raise my volume, even when there was no argument, emotion, pretty soon I became reactive.
Example: talking with someone on the phone. The other person does not hear me, asks me to repeat it louder, and thus I do, but still, the other can’t hear me, so keeps asking me to speak louder, and all of a sudden I am shouting like a maniac. It’s like triggering all the suppressed angers. No control, no integrity, no honour in that situation, just stupid anger, which I know is not even related to the other person or the situation – or is it?
That’s the ‘beauty’ of emotions – blinding, demanding and exhausting they are.

And when I mention ’emotions’ – I do not mean love, happiness, freedom – I call emotions as negative: anger, hate, jealousy – while positive reactions as feelings – and each of those are result of self-delusion actually. Yes. Real love should never be some fuzzy, warm, positive energetic experience. Drugs can do that, even sugar with the body directly – is that love? Not really.

Love is only real when it’s lived directly. In action. Not in the mind in relation to something or someone. That’s just imagination, self-conviction, self-delusion actually. Words should not exist separately from self, the energetic experiences – that means observing, judging, categorizing through and as the mind, like a computer. Better to Live Words. Express Words, Become Words.
Nowadays I am much-much less influenced by people’s argument, tension, because it’s not supporting me and I’ve worked with that, I committed myself to prevent myself to go into those patterns/reactions.

I used to believe that to be sensitive, open, vulnerable means to allow other’s suffering to influence me, unbalance me, and thus ending up me kind of feeling the same. That’s not real either. That’s just reaction in the mind again. Also not really supportive, as to really support someone, I shall be stable and balanced.

I remember, when I used to travel in the metro and seeing those sad, exhausted, lonely and tired faces – I became sad too, I was completely unhappy and I believed that now I am connected.

At the same time I always judged and admired the people who are unaffected and completely unaware of how others feel, although they always seemed as totally self-centered and rude, but I wished for being able to have a direction within this, to find the balance between really sensing and still remain stable.

For some people for instance North India was fascinating, amazing, magical – for me it was horrible, ashaming and deeply disturbing, because some saw the nice things, such as buildings, landscapes, ancient cultures while I often focused to the illiterate, starving, begging, miserable masses of poverty, where people behave like zombies.

As I see it now – neither is self-honest, because the other person was focusing only to the positive, while I was fixated to the negative.

But not a real supportive manner, because I was not seeing directly how things are, but I was seeing through my negative judgement. And it does not mean for instance slavery is not wrong! It’s absolutely unacceptable, but I should not get worked up by negative emotions to a degree of ‘losing it’ when experiencing such phenomenon, because then I also lose direction, effectiveness and practical common sense.

This process then also brings up how morality, inner compass, the whole personality is just an elaborate facade and once we poke around our personality, motivation, it also can become totally empty and fake, just as those self-generated negative emotions or positive feelings. Life must be far beyond than these silly games. But then how to relate, connect, feel and live?

Isn’t it possible to support someone without feeling sorry and sad, because of how much the person suffered?

From another angle? Why can’t I trust myself that I would do the right thing without morality, which is taught, conditioned? Why can’t I do something supportive to someone else, who I don’t feel sorry for?

How can I ensure that once I find real self-trust, stability and unwavering constant and consistent presence, that I will not lose myself to the point of being unable to relate to anyone else but myself?

Humbleness is also key here, and principled living, to act upon what is best for all participants, including self here. And then if I am unaware of what that would actually mean, before – or after – I’d judge it, that it’s crazy, impossible, naive or utopistic, I see/realize and understand that I maybe know too much and it’s time to unlearn and by that starting to see with naked/virgin eye again, with the innocence of a child, but within awareness, responsibility and consistent presence.

Thus – changing the world – only can start with self here. One can start by listing up by how possibly could become more effective and then also to write down what are the actual facts what seem to block those possibilities to become real. Then to go further and to investigate, what I could actually do about it? How I’d do it? Do I know and understand enough for that? If not, then what it would take and how actually?

Be always on point – and if challenging, which probably will be at some point, it’s never shame to utilize writing, well, it’s literally the alchemy of creation to be the master of words, not the slave of them, so I’d encourage everyone to write regularly. Self perspective, not to keep blaming and justifying, but taking responsibility and to see what can be done and what should be forgiven to be able to move on.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 21 Feb 2017, 04:31

I was writing about a point when all of a sudden I felt tired. I was writing for a while and then in the next moment I am super tired, and I had to stop writing(typing).

I went out, got some fresh air, chilling night, walked around a bit and then realized that this tiredness is mental, not physical. Exists only in the mind. As it came, was gone again.

So, whenever I give into the mental tiredness without being really tired, I am actually compromising myself.

But what was the reason of such tiredness EXPERIENCE? There was a judgement for which I felt reaction to.

I was writing about dancing and I started to write a little history of my relationship with dancing, how and why I started to do it, my initial resistances to it, some of my experiences when I broke through that resistance and actually how I came to who I am today, totally enjoying to dance.

About that process – it was related to mind-altering substances and I was uncertain that I should write down all of my history or get right to the point of what I wanted to share.
But for that to effectively share everything being relevant to the ‘story’ – I wanted to throw a brief of history. Just to expand on how much someone can change.

But then judgements started to arise. First of all, my first real dancing experience was related to MDMA, street name: ecstasy. But then I was reacting about, what if people would misunderstand me, and would think that I am promoting the drug. And I often stated this: with actual, professional support, these induced experiences can bridge through difficulties, but eventually the individual as self has to stand as physical substance directly, not with mind-altering substance.

And no matter what are the facts, which is that I expanded with the drug and I thought that who I am today is actually ‘beyond’ drugs and again reminded myself not wanting to promote them.

So then I was uncertain about how to share myself without my own personal back-story.

Well, I also want people to be able to relate, especially those who are still taking drugs at parties for dancing. But I got into the reaction of judging all of these and the more I started to judge, the more this became complicated and I was becoming uncertain, or at least not being completely satisfied with what and how I wrote. I started to react to the point of becoming distracted with the experience of reactions from the topic and direction I decided to write about.

Then, all of a sudden I felt really tired. Interesting.

While I have this obvious, clear and visible direction – I am not tired – and when I start to doubt, judge, react, hesitate – I am tired. As experience.

Let’s see this self-definition: I am tired. I have tried, but now I am tiredness, not direction, not motivation.

The human mind is so powerful device, this should be taught from childhood, on how the typical mind-constructs work, what are the usual self-sabotage patterns into which most of the human individuals can reason themselves to go into with certain, selective and personally specific topic, and once inner judgements have been made, thought-chain-reactions were ran through, emotional or feeling energies have been generated and experienced: the very perception of that individual is being influenced, limited, shaped and formed according to the specific origin and source points of self-separation based on fear already exist within the person’s inner core of being without ever being noticed.

But instead, people learn a bunch of totally unnecessary and superficial ‘sciences’ and ‘arts’ at school, even the history what is being taught dominates with resonances of justification, acceptance and allowance of massive scale of abuse against life without compassing through with real dignity. Doing that by completely disregarding individual statuses, abilities, affinities and talents, thus breaking down the natural learning ability of the child and omitting to teach the most relevant keystones of living, which is being able to be honest with self and how to explore, nurture and develop an intimate relationship with self with direct physical human body expression and through defining, saying and living words in synch.

That’s why I suggest to question every experience in the mind, many-many times a simple ‘tiredness’ can be result of an inner resistance to not see, to not realize, to be able to justify self-limitation and choosing comfort versus hurting with the truth of what extent humans are lacking self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty.

So this is a reminder to be able to catch such inner movements and reactions before becoming one with the experience, which then is basically self-persuaded acceptance for self-limitation: in my case: to not write down, to not develop the writing for being able to share what I decided to. Maybe, possibly, because I still could learn and expand something about this aspect of myself, which I might still resist unconsciously. This then is an other common sense point to continue and see what I can discover. So.

I am going to finish the writing about my story, relationship and changes about dance, because there are a lot to share and I find it quite relevant to be able to write down my realizations about how to embrace my own body and how to express without thoughts, feelings and emotions, but directly as self-expression.

I used to believe that the best thing I could ever do is to become and live ‘undefined’, but it turns out that decomposing and letting go self-limiting definitions is just the first step and actually can be supportive to re-define words to be able to live them within clarity and response-able awareness of inner self and outer world as equal as one. And that is the real art of transformation of matter, the one and only true alchemy, when literally shit turns to gold, which is the metaphor to the unification of man from self-dishonest to self-honest.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 24 Feb 2017, 01:51 ... cceptance/

In my last blog I’ve mentioned tiredness. Continuing on that.

Let me describe a set of experiences: Always feeling tired, exhausted, sometimes almost literally hurts to move around, but there is nothing wrong with my body, but still, the very existence makes me feel like I am moving in dense liquid.

Sometimes there are so many inner resistances within an individual that it becomes the overall ‘life experience’: tiredness, weakness, lack of focus, vulnerable to distract, dissipated, almost like uninterested.

Then someone can suggest to take vitamin D or eat this or drink that to compensate or to say eat less sugar and carbon hydrates, start working out, etc.

Although these might be healthy suggestions, often the overall and general tiredness is the manifested consequence of accumulated acceptances and allowances of self-sabotage, self-defeat, self-compromise.

Imagine a scenario when you(just to “walk in someone’s shoes) could do something really cool, you even would literally be happy to do that, but for a little, thin, silent inner thought-voice, you just do not do that. Like helping that old guy picking up junk on the street could make sense, but you think that your groovy friends would think that you are stupid or fool or gay or whatever the trend to dislike is around this time. And they indeed could do that, so the fear is logical. The fear of judgement, exclusion and being bullied could literally do drastically change behaviour, just like that, especially for a kid: influence. And it does not matter much if it’s those kids fault of they would bully him if he would do that or ‘you'(a kid), who actually stops acting common sense based on fear of judgement, being ridiculed and bullied, even if it’s actually a self-rationalized self-judgement, but still the reality is that the person stops acting what could’ve felt like naturally do it, but did not.

That can leave a mark, a splinter in someone’s mind to create more doubt, self-judgement and shame. And then maybe blame and anger towards self and/or the others too, hey, even towards the old guy! Crazy. And imagine doing that just once a week for a year. The same thing happens, still not acting upon it, so the experience repeats itself, while the inner reactions as well.

And plus this: there is this cute girl you’d like to be with, to just hang around with, play with, nothing serious, but you are afraid to approach her by the fear of she might reject you, she would sense that you’d love to do it, more than you should show, because this might seem as a vulnerability and she could’ve laugh at you or just tell the others and everyone would point fingers at you and you’d be ashamed and you just stop even trying to approach her, but somehow within still feeling the same affection. Twisted it is. Then accepting it every day, facing the point of wanting to, but actually not doing what you’d like to do and for that you might start blaming the girl, other kids, society, the gods, or yourself, who is the one in fact not doing what seems to be the coolest. More self-judgement, shame, frustration, anger.

There is this boss and you’d really like to tell him how stupid he is but he might fire you and you just had your third kid, the loan is on the house, the wife is sick, there was grandpa’s funeral, grandma is poor and sad and the car is at repair – you literally cannot afford to lose this job, so you swallow your words, your pride but those emotions do not stop moving, just in your mind, your body, you can also go into extreme frustration, limitation and again ending up feeling powerless, exposed to forces outside of your control and being a slave and becoming totally a survival machine with no joy most of the time.

Or you follow the news, seeing these scandals of the corrupt, greedy politicians, officials stealing millions and billions, their stupidity gloats through their expression when they have a public speech, it’s so frustrating to see the country being sunk by those idiots, but what can you do, just shake your fist, even go to the street and participate in protests, but that does not really change much, or if sometimes does change a tiny point, they probably are doing much worse in the background meanwhile and you are just being distracted from the really nasty shit and when it’s being exposed in the next scandal, leaks or whistle blowing, you are now more furious and want them dead, but at the same time your life is still miserable and struggling with putting food to the family’s table. For years and years and then decades.

More extreme – having an aggressive drunk dad, who comes home every day and being the shittiest person he could ever be and his children are screwed from many angles because of him, he beats and abuses mum, sometimes the kids and those kids are exposed to the worst – every single day exactly at the times when they are the most defenceless and vulnerable, thus this will be part of their personality, how they try to cope, resist, suppress, fight and even justify or deny what they’ve got as family package. Horrible, but it’s real for many people. That accumulation of self-compromise is an extreme disadvantage for the individual and a massive fail for humanity as a whole too.

These scenarios bear the same mark – accumulating a lot of acceptance and allowance, one occasion by another, creating these multi-layered judgement-reaction patterns what sticks with the individual, no matter what he or she does – where she or he goes to, the memories, the associations, the trigger points and the experiences have been literally integrated into the personality and the actual human physical body, which is like a resonant aura and that is like a heavy burden, what the person carries and it’s exhausting.

Even when not thinking about all the bad things what the person keeps accepting and allowing but would not and within self-honesty: should not accept if the person could see it as having a choice on that, but perceives that there is no choice, but to endure, to carry, to accept.

That’s part of the weight: to carry that decision as the ultimate reason of acceptance and allowance: to decide, conclude and define that there is no other choice. Is it 100% that there is no other way, none, zero? Sometimes there is not and yes, sometimes there is, but that’s maybe linked to another already accumulated acceptance and allowance of something totally different perception of ‘I have no choice in that either’.

Even the person would start to look at that second point, here is a third one, totally linked with this one, and there is like ‘daa, I had no choice in that either’ – experience.

Imagine having about a hundred of those points – completely intertwined, like a spider web, weaved by my own words and emotional reactions to situations, scenarios, memories, beliefs, fears and desires – and I am sitting at the centre and I think that I am the master of this web to catch the best of life, meanwhile not realizing that I have created my own invisible prison. Well, it’s not even invisible, but from where I sit, I don’t see altogether, maybe sometimes feeling it, how difficult to freely move around without whining, blaming about problems and limitations.

Look at adults, how pathetic most of them can be when there is actually an opportunity to freely express, enjoy or share themselves – in a park – their shoes, clothes would become dirty, they don’t want to be seem as a fool, they afraid if others would see their body shape, they would be judged as fat or thin, having too small or too big boobs, there is a spot on her thighs what others would think it’s infection or well, she did not shave her legs, so other would be disgusted if she would take off her pants to go into the awesome lake. Just some silly examples. Another typical example, when dogs and their owners meet – if the dogs don’t go warrior on each other, but having fun – they are uninhibited, unrestricted, like there is no tomorrow, while the ‘owners’ are like ‘hey, nice weather’ – ‘Aham.’

Human mostly is nothing else but excuse and justification and that has to be kept and maintained all the time. Otherwise they would’ve let those silly reasons accidentally go! Crazy idea to just let go a fear or limitation, so humans are constantly re-and reacting to their trigger points of their frustrations, limitations, acceptances and allowances of self-limitations with multi-dimensionally bastioned reasons of logic, emotions, beliefs and superstitions.

That’s tiresome. A huge burden, and the person might not being aware of that it’s constantly going within one’s subconscious and unconscious, physical and quantum mind, but that’s the truth.

The conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg, one might even ‘master’ that ‘experience’ with spiritual trickery, to keep in balance the thinking mind and have this calm balance ‘experience’, but the truth is that the mind as a sort of artificial intelligence gives it to the person, it’s so cool, for a half an hour, the person can have her/his peace, but in all other times, he/she is owned. Totally, cruelly screwed up, but this exists. I used to be there, I was so convinced in that I am reaching enlightenment, but oh boy, I had no idea what I was dealing with until started to learn the actual nature of the mind, the consciousness systems and how I am only the responsible for all my problems, which then turned out to be holding also the keys for the greatest gifts in my life with those points, of which I’ve walked through some already, and some I am still decomposing, stopping, re-defining and changing myself within living application.

That’s why it’s the Journey to life blogging, vlogging, writing every day, or if that’s too much, write as often as possible, every second day, or every third day, but has to be consistently, because the self- accepted mind-patterns are already consistent and one has to accumulate such movement, direction, self-trust and self-expression to turn the self-sabotage tide to the point of change, when it can be stopped and being able to work on walking backwards from decomposing, stopping, forgiving the already created self, who is a prey of conditions and to learn to take responsibility, to start directly moving without judgements, energetic reactions and not accepting to live in self-sabotage.

Also important to note that once someone is being able to push through inner self-resistances and really starts changing, the surroundings, one’s reality, ‘friends’, ‘family’ and the whole world might also become as a point of resistance, and this is actually good, because it is showing that the person indeed changing, and the world might not want her/him to change at first, will challenge that commitment, the temptation will become high to just give up and there one should honour self, because the real change is now indeed an opportunity if not giving into those temptations, excuses and justifications. Example: dopesmoker guy after struggling with it, finally decides to stop smoking for a while – his friends might keep persuading him to just smoke one more, one last time, just this one sip, come on it’s his birthday, blablabla – and even if the person would cut ties with his friends to not being exposed to temptations, that’s really not the solution, although sometimes common sense, but eventually the person has to stand regardless of others to really become the change what decided to live.

This is definitely not a short process, with some points yes, another ones might even take years and from individual through interpersonal towards global level the person has to face reality and to start changing self first, then supporting others and participate in a change which might support all beings equally.

But until that, the person is enslaved by tiresome judgements, reactions, excuses and justifications, all of a sudden resistances, inner conflicts and during that it’s impossible to even grasp of what’s happening on global level or what would actually mean to apply what’s best for all participants. Although that’s not really difficult, but first to be lived in relation to self here.

I was a boy, who was bullied, and I was also coward to approach some girls, but I’ve also blamed the government, lawyers, bankers, politicians, the system also for years, until I realized that this is the opposite of finding practical solutions, because I am looping to be busy with my own reactions projected to others, while not focusing to what I actually could take responsibility for and change within my own life.

Excuses and justifications are tiresome things, basically like lies – when I start to lie to somebody, others – I have to maintain, keep selling the lie, otherwise it might be exposed that it’s a lie, so I keep sneaking around, keep in my mind what I say, how I say, whom I said what – it’s so exhausting, like becoming an actor in a role which step by step overwhelms, consumes me and from a certain point I keep justifying that I can’t stop lying to come clean now, I have to maintain.

That’s basically the same with the inner excuses and justifications, just in relation to myself: I keep accepting and allowing to lie to myself.

And that’s extremely tiresome, exhausting, self-sabotaging and frustrating and thus exceptionally self-limiting.

I could come clean to sit down right now and tell myself: me fool, I lie to myself that I had no choice, I totally could have, I still have, but then I’d have to give up ‘this and that’, but by looking that, I would think, I would have to give up this and that too, and then ‘oh shit, then this might not be true either’ and if someone could just do this self-honesty for five minutes – to decompose self-lies – a person could change so much in attitude and self-image. And although it seems difficult, it can be seen also as a skill, like riding a bike, which requires practice. On straight line it’s easier, but when it becomes muddy and curvy, steepy and rocky, then I’d need skills to not fall.

And being in ‘first world’, where having food, internet, salary, car, drinkable water from taps, no regular drone bombing in my city – most of my excuses are so weak, that if I would start to write all them down and I could see them in front of me, I might just cry to what extent I have diminished that innocent, explosive and awesome little kid who I started life as.
Well, basically that’s Process – the realization to admit, to acknowledge and little step by step to see what can be understood for stopping participating in the web of excuses and justifications to be able to see what I can actually do, no matter how small that might seem, it could open the door within me and the world to be able to understand more, change further.

Always remember, as Bernard Poolman said, not exactly like this, but similarly:

Although Process seems like never ending, actual, real change is always one breath away.

Let’s wrap this up by reflecting back on how I still can experience tiredness and exhaustion.

At office, when facing difficult task, which I repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to solve – that feels like sucking the energy, the enthusiasm, the motivation from keep doing it, and the key there is maybe that is needed, to stop doing as I used to and try an other angle, not to be stiff and wanting to fight it, or win it by force, but to relax for a moment, let all go, expectations, judgements, emotions and to just be with it for a minute and this might support to reveal something I had not seen before, because I was busy reacting and feeling tired and then fighting tiredness.

Writing is an awesome support here – if I am able to word a problem, I already made a huge step, so that’s suggested to do regularly.
It’s also a skill, which schools do not pronounce and tutor with enough.

No matter how great or smart I can feel myself as, there is always possibility to expand in living potential. Rather to think such definitions of self as ‘I am so great’ – well, it is a self-definition, have a polarity, positive, all to do is to look where might be the negative aspect of that. Am I trying to compensate something here? Like balding guys with big muscle cars? Or dumb boys with huge muscles, insecure girls with fake boobs and bitchy clothes? It’s always obvious what’s going on with humans, but often they’ve became it so much that they can’t see.

In this sense, Process, writing, Self-forgiveness is a unique and exceptional self-support, which I’ve never found even close to it’s directness and effectiveness in this world, but there is one more thing what is required: cross-referencing.

Someone or multiple persons who are also walking this process, who have already walked the process of self-honesty to an extent to ensure that being able to support with another view, perspective on points without their own issues projected into it, or direct support from someone who have walked similar or the same point already. That’s why I honour the time to participate with desteni guys, it’s so refreshing to spend time with people who are dedicating their life to stop deception from within and to witness their change during the years.
Or reading their vlog regularly and I might read about something I have not yet seen within myself or currently facing and this could give an advantage – sharing is caring in this perspective, definitely.

Some of the desteni people I’ve met years ago and to see them today how much they changed is a living proof of what dedicated, committed and consistent walking of self-correction can mean. While some still do not get why not to forgive myself all at once, why keep repeating it, like a mantra, but its not the case actually – one has to be specific to the utmost possibility with scenarios, issues, self-dishonesties to recognize the exact pattern to be able to become one and equal with it’s creation. Until I do not understand it fully, I have no chance to change. So those who say they have forgiven themselves totally and now having an awesome life – careful with those, if they can’t show up the extensive amount of their ‘work of process’ or unwilling to – it’s maybe only in their head, so to ask/get support from those individuals might not manifest as ‘self-honest cross-referencing support’. Those, who regularly share their process, they genuinely dedicate and honour their time to walk points, they are standing through the test of time. Others, who appear from nowhere and ask to trust them should obviously not be trusted.
It’s same as with self – if I am not aware of something to it’s utmost within my mind – where this thought appeared from, why, for what, in which context – I should not trust that thought – it still can carry information – and maybe about my self-dishonesty to reflect back, but definitely not to blindly follow my thoughts and thus generated emotions, because then the ‘rabbit carries the hunter gun’ as they say around here, referring to how things are happening the exact opposite way as they should be: I should be the master of my mind, not the way around.
So – back to mental tiredness, giving up mentality, depression: It’s something what can be decomposed and supported with to fully understand how it’s been created, being maintained and to find practical ways to stop and let go and to discover what could be beyond such self-limitation.

Great start at – which is a free online course with seasoned buddy support to learn the basic components for start facing the mind, how to start accumulating understanding, commitment for actual change. And that’s quite a treasure in this world, as this is not being taught in schools and people grow up without being able to ‘own’ our own mind and not being owned by consequences, but it’s never too late to start changing, which I encourage everyone, at least try the free course, nothing to loose actually.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 27 Feb 2017, 03:20 ... iscipline/

Recently I've discovered within several areas of my life that one of my most relevant self-limitations is the lack of discipline.

Within my DIP pro course's assignment and my personal projects I've realized the lack of progress due to not being disciplined.

Also there are several self-support 'daily challenges' I always see as very supportive, yet often I spend a day without applying it.

Furthermore, I am busy with self-stopping, self-changing and self-creation and this means to look at certain patterns, behaviors, reactions within me to re-write so to speak. Although I could write more to prepare, pre-script and thus support myself, I see that the problem does not exists within writing or lack of writing. That's just the consequence.

This whole thing seems like I am a type of guy who does not enjoy life and always finding problems to solve, never satisfied with himself and there is nothing better to do in my life than just basically being obsessed with myself.

On the contrary, I see with what aspects of me I simply could be much honest, direct, effective and responsible, so why not change?

Resistances, indeed, that's why not to change.

Because I resist it on thinking logical and rational level - which might be the most challenging for many, because who does not like logic, must be a fool. Although logic can be quite limiting as well, especially, when not all factors are investigated throughoutly, and then thus a person can tell - my logic says it's all cool, nothing world with the world - while someone else's logic could say - it's all screwed up.

Then comes the emotional/feeling justification - well, it's still of logic, just the person's limited perspective's logic.

If I feel frustration and anger when I try to solve this problem I am facing, I should just rage against the problem and after a while to give up or justify it that 'it can't be done' or 'it's not my way'.

A simple, almost insignificant example: I was editing a little film we've shot some years ago and we did not finish the editing. Recently with my friend we've agreed to do so and currently it's on me to finish a short, color corrected, sound-effected version of it.

This point I got frustrated with actually happened already some times, so if I could have been aware of the possibility, and thus not go into frustration. Although I've recognized it shortly, but at least one minute I've spent with frustration before applying common sense.

The video editor had an update and converted my project file and did not auto-save as it supposed to be. And it froze, lost what I worked on and I was like 'nooooooooooooooo' for a little while. This is quite normal while working with computers, no matter, even if the best hardware and software is present, shit just can happen and thus to rant about it is quite silly actually.

Then I restarted the software, saved more frequently and actually made it better.

One of the reasons I mention frustration here in relation to discipline is that it can turn to be an excuse why giving into resistances not to do what I decided and planned to do.

Within many professions there are a lot of parts what can trigger annoyance and frustration, and it does not have to be like that, but somehow I give into that experience and then I am being distracted from disciplined application.

By looking my relationship with discipline, I've discovered some self-dishonesties in relation how I am sabotaging to live this word to my utmost potential, which I walk through here with Self-forgiveness to acknowledge the extent of self-dishonest acceptances and allowances.

What I already see is that I used to have some phases in my life when I was able to apply so to speak unbreakable discipline in regarding to some specific applications I've decided to do and I was unwavering, had no doubt, could not distract any reaction or doubt and thus any possible reason to get frustrated with or annoyed by, simply bounced off me.
These actions and experiences made me realize that my will indeed can be disciplined to the potential of absolute, but at the same time, instead of making this realization, expression and quality to become my natural expression, I've rather laid back satisfied with the knowledge of that if I'd need, I could apply it when needed.

So, let's explore this a bit more specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I defined to be satisfactory to 'know' that I can have discipline when needed, when decided and within that not realizing that the very action of 'accepting myself to be undisciplined and then always relying on a decision to become disciplined again' is already a lack of discipline and self-conviction of excuses and justifications of why I do not need to continue exploring, working, integrating and living the word discipline as myself as equal here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting myself to believe that I can and should occasionally decide when to apply this discipline what I believed to be absolute, just like a superpower, or an ability, which I only can turn on for a while until it's needed and then to turn it off and to become a so to speak 'ordinary' human, who accepts reactions, distractions, frustrations and giving ups.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my action of disciplined movement was not absolute as I was relying on a condition which by I was able to exclude the option of not giving up and giving into distractions and within that not realizing what that condition was, which owned, controlled me without me noticing, acknowledging, questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the self-conviction for become disciplined was originated from cycles of reactions, distractions, frustrations and anger toward myself of accepting self-limitations, suppressing myself for long and by that accumulation being able to turn into a maintained experience of discipline, which seemed as I am directing it and I am enjoying it's fruitful result, but in fact I was not in absolute direction and the proof for that was that my discipline always stopped at a certain point in relation to the application I was applying it to.

To give context: discipline often was certain kinds of meditations, getting a specific project or job done and within that not realizing that I was quite obsessive and narrowminded, which means I was actually excluding, disregarding everything else, which might seem as a cool tactic, but within that, and especially after these 'sessions' - I always faced with the consequence of totally falling out of my reality for too long, too much, and thus manifesting things, points, with what I actually created the opposite, what I wanted.

For instance, with discipline, I believed that if I just do what's most important to do, then I will have more time on that by ignoring everything else in my life which should get my attention regularly for a bit, but it was always the opposite.

By disregarding many things which usually do not require too much time to take care of, those grew up into problems and then I had to spend more time with them to solve them and thus ending up with the need to 'break' that discipline and eventually losing much more time than I did feel 'winning' by only focusing to what was important.

This should be practical common sense 101, but not for me as I always had resistance towards scheduling, regular actions as always felt like as the opposite of freedom, which would be that at any given time I should be able to just do whatever I want, like travel to another country, spend a week in a forest, not specifically about what to be able to do, but about the immediacy, the spontaneity, which I identified with freedom.

I always felt like doing the daily routines makes me total slave, and interestingly I know someone quite close to me who has the opposite perception on that, he NEEDS a regular day job, otherwise he would fall apart.

Well, since my relationship with freedom, much have been changed, certainly my new application of discipline as well, but I never specifically focused to this word with not just letting go, purification, but also the practical re-definition. Well, in fact I did some time ago, but as I am facing greater challenges recently(due to more direct change I apply to my living and also embarking towards new skills and level of dedication), I see the space for support within me to walk this through with self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the ability, possibility and expression to be able to live the word discipline, but not in relation to things outside of me in this world, rather then to see how can I live the word discipline directly here, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have believed that discipline takes energy to maintain and always resulting with a sacrifice, with what I pay with for it's sustainment of 'heightened' awareness towards something and within that not realizing that it's based on polarity, self-interest and relying on conditions out of my direct power, thus in reality, it's not MY discipline, but rather I am being triggered to give my full attention towards something for a specific reason.

I forgive myself that I have not realized to see the way I go into discipline 'mode' is actually similar as I go into various specific distractions from presence, and in that matter, I am actually being possessed with an idea of discipline, while all happens is that I am bound to focus towards one particular point, meanwhile disregarding everything else, and thus as applying this, it is not real, self-lived discipline, but as a mind-state, which has beginning and end, and although I might can be convinced, that it's self-directed, it is not, otherwise I would be able to apply it any time or always.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am justifying why not needing to have discipline all the time in relation to many things, and within it's essence the very expression to live discipline towards anything, already relies to the ability of living the word discipline myself here directly and within that acknowledging that I am not living discipline and I have not yet established discipline as self-expression, pronounced on it's 'natural' quality, meaning unconditional, unwavering, self-directed, being context aware.

I forgive myself that I have defined discipline as a focus towards one particular point while disregarding everything else and only caring about that goal I am interested within and not realizing that this might work on some short actions, but certainly not in relation to bigger projects, wherein I'd only create more frustration by being unable to maintain this kind of energetic discipline for long enough.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that discipline also can mean to make a commitment and create a trusted relationship with myself in relation to what I am going to accept and allow and what certainly not, and within that how I am going to overcome challenges, temptations, reactions and not give into any excuse and justification WITHOUT needing to have energy, accumulated frustration to fuel such focus.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to give the space and time, trust and opportunity for myself to learn to move without energy, without polarity and judgement, act without frustration and being motivated and care about points outside of me without fear or desire.
I commit myself to develop discipline within myself, in relation to my starting point, my mind and physical body self-expression to not need a reason to be honest with myself and not wait for frustration, self-limitation and anger to appear as an indirect motivation to make me move and focus, as it's not only counter-productive and self-dishonest, but also undermining self-trust and integrity.

I commit myself to not give into physical body experience resistances, such as dullness, tiredness, which is coming from the mind, as the manifested consequence of judgements towards past acceptances and allowances, which I stand up to, become equal and one by walking self-forgiveness through all the words I become aware of I would react to and I forgive myself to let each go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it's enough to know that I have discipline, it's enough to have memories of the past when I had discipline and not realizing that discipline is only real when I am living it without separation of my mind's knowledge, memory, reasons.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have not yet lived up to my potentials with discipline based on the self-identification with excuses and justifications not yet acknowledged, forgiven, given up as I face my daily applications.

I forgive myself that I have not yet committed myself REALLY to daily application of discipline and within that to see with what and how, first and foremost: why I compromise my discipline and to walk through those points to become disciplined within - even discipline.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the potential I have in terms of letting go self-limitations and honouring life in each breath equally.

When and as I fear I am missing out by applying discipline, because now going into 'focus mode', I realize that I do not need to fall into that, to get obsessed with to be able to progress and not fall into temptations to be distracted and giving up, but instead of fighting through these, also I can gently, honestly decompose such patterns for real with living self-forgiveness as actual change.

I will continue to share with my realizations and practical applications on the occasions when I was able to apply unwavering discipline, what I've seen as a gift/ability back then, which then later on I abused(thus myself) by excuses, judgments and reactions, thus to diminish it into memory, knowledge and self-definition instead of consistent living application.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 09 Mar 2017, 03:17 ... lf-honest/

Talking about why can be difficult to apply Self-honesty when facing an opportunity to change. The halo of justifications and excuses to find everywhere and to give into one is enough to give up the decision to change.

Giving some examples of how projecting self-defined, pre-judged past memories can compromise practical change/expansion.

Why and how can regular writing be an immense support to walk through accepted and allowed self-dishonest patterns.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Postby jozsef » 20 Mar 2017, 01:48 ... f-process/

Reflecting back to my process of what I have realized and sharing one of my greatest challenges I faced during the last decade and how supportive and inspiring the desteni community, online and study material is within changing self-dishonest patterns.

I am grateful for the community called desteni(as referring to taking our and life’s destiny into our hands).

It was about ten years ago(around 2007 spring/summer, then started writing this blog in 2008 january), when I started to study and apply the material, the tools, principle within my life. Here is my first post from 2008 and my expression/English language was not as refined as today, but the message was clearly the same already: ... n-is-here/
There is a vast amount of online sources of study material available for supporting individual and collective understanding of various aspects of humanity, nature and existence.

Desteni I Process Lite

Desteni I Process Pro

Self-supporting audio-books

Self-supporting videos

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