Ambrož's journey to life

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 10 May 2017, 19:51

MAY
10
Day 829: Time test - time conditioned
With a relation to what i was dealing with a couple of weeks ago, i really took time and think about possibilities if a certain man-kind-self-created scenario can come true. It is with relation to a fictional story how knowledge sums up to "self-destruction" when all along one would walk a path to "self-creation" and what is possible to physically manifest to happen. (spoiler alert) Man creates machines, they become self dependant and even though they don't feel the good and the bad that would drive them to make some sort of a decision or a choice and would instead have a 0 or a 1 to flip a switch to equate a choice of how to move, the machines then turn all bio matter into bio fuel until all of it ceases to exist. Story continues however where one individual makes a plan how to fix the situation, and with a help of few individuals create something else that can also create and by choice destroy if creation attempt would not be exactly wanted to continue existing.

The only thing that bothered me within all of this was time. How matter behaves under influence of the elements. How far i've been concerned i managed to pick up a few hints that stone is the most durable matter that can hold form. I was also told that water is the most stable substance, meaning it needs lots of energy to fall apart, meaning it can't release it when it fells apart it only "consumes" it for falling apart. But water doesn't hold shape that good, except if its energy drops below certain temperature. So because we are kind of artistically shape dependant, in order to have some sort of integrity we are also stuck with this manifestation of wanting to be shaped in a certain way, I mean it would almost look like a true illusion if shape of matter wouldn't condition us, despite some calling it an illusion never the less. Though i might be wrong cause i related it in a wrong way, and they meant that the illusion i live is the one in the head, and that reality still matters pretty much because that ain't a lie, the reality i mean. And also concerning the mind some things within it may be completely aligned with reality and some off by a imagination away.

Going back to topic of time conditioned matter, I also learned a few things about robots and that is that they need maintenance. They break down due usage pretty fast, and the biggest problem are parts that move and slowly grind each other in the process of movement and friction. Due to this i don't know such a scenario is possible where machines would have enough time to consume all bio-matter while they would face the rest of the elements that are also at play. Came to think of it, the solution of having millions of self reproducing "micro machines" though i think they are alive - cells, is the best because than each entity made out of matter would be self sufficient and would have the ability to repair as it would walk their path. Whole system made out of millions of little specialised systems would have a chance to walk the globe instead of having one system that would send out its creations anew each time one would break down. And considering matter being a limited resource it would then have to recycle broken down systems which means returning to the source of its creation, and that in itself it also time consuming, and i'm making a out of the blue choice here but i believe such a system would not function very well within the terms of walking many paths at the same time, cause each time it would have to start over from its source and this would mean a limited expansion, which is completely opposite of the theory of nothing where "nothing" would give the opportunity to let something expand indefinitely. Nothing can't prevent you from going forward, only something can. So in a way all this wast space at disposal wouldn't mean anything, so having many self standing systems have a better chance to use up space that has nothing in it and create something in it.

Summing it all up, i think it is impossible to make a machine that would be indefinitely functional. Especially in such although gentle world like this when we know that at certain times it is pretty much as a rough ride as it can get. I mean if we look at physical structure that would be close to everlasting it would be pyramids, and even them are slowly crumbling into dust.

Regarding all dooms day scenarios and then also considering esoteric, if it would happen i still believe something else can recreate life from scratch. I mean supposedly it started that way, but what i've heard is that there suppose to be some particular kind of ghosts, that advance their capabilities and if they have enough energy or something they are pretty much capable to manipulate matter and considering that, these poltergeists instead of kicking cans around would be able to move atoms around and crate something with them, like a new cell for instance. And then they would have to "breathe" life into it, meaning moving themselves into that cell and keep the machine alive until it breaks down, so in a way a ghost is an eternal entity that can make some matter more alive if it continuously inhabit it, until that matter holds its form. And actually it is no one else but being itself that made it alive, because it is life, per say even though it is dead and it can exist as that for ever, it can become alive until the shape that it is alive in holds its structure and the being is willing to have a ride.

Actually it is kind of weird, but once i was told from an internet friend who read lots of books on war tactics, there was much philosophy included, but what he wrote me was that samurai had a codex or dogmas or something and those contained a "lesson" that each choice must be made within the time it takes to make seven breaths. I don't know if no choice is made but i guess than it happens as it would if no choice exists. In a way it is just waiting for time to pass and experience consequence of that, it is more like just going with the flow, nothing new, everything patterned, let the autopilot do the rest, if there is one even. I guess it is kind of why forcing into something if the waiting can cause something to come to you, while knowing that there is no actual guarantee that will go such a way.

I mean that was the bottom of my philosophy. I was also told that women are like that, that they wait for things to come to them instead of them moving. Or that is how i understood it at least. I mean it is now all the time like this, cause there are many practical cases that would oppose such a theory but it is sometimes like that. I guess it has more to do with picture one has about one self, and each one can only be sure about their own.

I was kind of swept of my feet today. A really nice surprise happened to me. I still wonder how, or why, I dare think it was the past that had something to do with it. I don't dare say it, but when one is processing all the might(s) or could be(s) that can happen sometimes you can almost nail it. I mean it is not exactly as one can imagine it within the mind but pretty close never the less. What happened was that i shook hands with a particularly important individual. To be honest i was pretty shocked if i should or not, it was out of the blue and I admit i was shaking a bit inside of myself, but reaction is a reaction. I guess it had to do with all the think accumulated energy.

It also made me think about pictures i create within my mind. I mean it is like this image or "interpretation" of something or someone has a charge to it one can feel on the inside as a reaction or how some call it. As if there was no other cure for it but forgiving or breathing through it to let it slide and balance to stability, but on the bottom line i wanted to state that this shaking sensation was not the first time. I mean it happened in the past a couple of times, and each time i'd regard the moment of meeting up with beings that would have an influence on me, them being either of good or bad forge, but i mean, it is just that "what will others think of it" and that would make me shaky, as if i couldn't deny the influence of other being and how they can influence the way my path happens to me. All i could remember was that once i went almost on the other side of the Earth and same thing happened to me. I'll be frank here, i was really attracted because of all the good stuff that i'd react towards with good vibe and there were also some bad reactions, that i tried everything i had to contain them, but to no avail. I don't and do care that that might complex my walk a bit, but i think it was impossible to hide it, though it did try it intentionally. It is like this mental made up picture about another is completely complicated. Made out of good and bad energetic reactions relating to that picture. What is possibly most tangled up is that i had trouble trusting it, that is why i thought that maybe because i know it is important because it does show on the outside how my inside (my secret mind) is created by me and when it comes to relationship and interacting with others it may take you, no it takes you on a ride and depending on that the paths of two or more individuals go along, intertwine, or go separate way. And all of this completely conditioned by energy. But it can be conditioned via choice and decision to stick to it, like no matter how repulsed one gets, the will of a being can determine its standing. And it can get hard, sometimes it is better to separate and let the fate deal with it, than to keep pushing into someone and make them even hate you in the end. Like if you let hate separate two people it probably takes even longer to make paths go along one-another. And despite all that then there is this world we all share and we constantly feel consequences of each others actions, and despite knowing i liked to blame another for how my inner picture of them exist as, I still believe that it is better to shape one's own influence on everything around one, than to force the influence of another to happen in a certain way so that there won't be any bad blame but only good one. I mean i could easily argue that in some cases that is the only possible choice, but I just made myself believe (even if it possibly a lie) that i'd make myself a much more tormenting situation if i'd walk the way of forcing things to go my way and instead here and there chew and swallow some bad things, even though they were not fair. I'd just excuse them with similar cases when i'd do same to another, manipulate or force them, and look at it as a payback for my sins. Even though i deep down on the bottom believe that it is half chanced and half calculated scenario if i sum it up. I mean there are plans that succeed and plans that don't and ratio between them is a mystery to me.

I also realised that the shaking within me had nothing to do with love. I'm writing this because in the past i thought it only had to do with that. There are many more things i now realise that contribute to it. I mean when i look at the memory, when i went for it, to find my love, same thing happened, and considering today i didn't look for love. What i now believe is that importance one gives to another individual, or how powerful they are, and how interaction with such beings then also influences their influence. I think it has more to do with how our own actions then reflect consequence back to us and our interests. I mean there is interest and then there is a way to fulfil it and considering not knowing how to exactly do it, it can in crucial moments when one has little time to choose, never mind remembering how many breaths are there on disposal and the time it takes to make them, it is like with feelings and emotions same rule of practise makes perfect applies and first time around it is simply not possible to be stable facing surprised situation. Like the thought of simply realising that any individual is just as alive as i am, they have their dreams, interest, ways of doing, paths to walk on and making them special in ones head is sometimes hard to not to, but it is probably only due to being aware that they had to work to get there, especially in situations of rare caliper, you know they worked hard. I mean from perspective of competition there are many individuals for one spot, and only one gets it for a time and meeting such a person is a rare thing. Anyway the cure is to simply take them as an equal no matter how high or how low they are on the mind imagined value system. I mean i do realise it is important to respect the scale, but it is easier to face the situation if one imagines switched places, that way it at least within imagination make things more equal and face-able.

I wanted to also state this. I once heard a saying "no good deed goes unpunished". I related it with meaning (given i understood it right) as "being good makes you a poor person", but i rhymes in our language. I only understand it now, that if one is good or wants to, and gives lots of things to others they are left with nothing. What is presumed is that no one does anything for free, and exceptions within such a mind-settled-systems are left with nothing cause they give everything away. But lately what happened i went into conflict with a close to me individual when they wanted me to take something i wouldn't want to take. So the whole situation looked like them wanting to be too good to me and I even felt like i'm forced to take something i didn't want to, and i used expression of anger, well probably it was my genuine reaction when they didn't want to take my no for an answer. They than said i made them shake because of being more forceful with them than them with me, but the picture i summed up was something like: them wanting to do good by giving me something and i didn't want it and in the end i sort of made them mentally suffer my actions. So a good deed caused a a bad experience. I mean this is completely against logic yet it makes sense. So what i thought after this was that maybe if one intends to do bad and first time it doesn't work, is it possible that after a couple of times they would be thankful for that someone who would respond with good, each time more intense than the time before that the one intended to be bad would be honestly thankful for it. I mean this is like some scenario for a horror movie, but what would really happen is that one being bad towards another would end up feeling bad about themselves. I wonder if i wanted to manipulate with that, pushing myself down in the past, i still do it sometimes, but is there anything genuine in my past for making me behave that way, like i asked myself many times if i have any particular honest reason to be like that or was just more of a mental survival system of mine that would balance things for me, with me behaving that way. I mean i could just be making up a huge problem out of a little one, or is there really a huge one behind it. Like sometimes it just happens that problems become so huge for me, I simply stop caring for them, cause its like i tried to do something about it and they only grew bigger. So it is better to face the fact and let them blow their way. It is like inflating a balloon and then letting it go to release all the inflated are from the same channel it came into it.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 17 May 2017, 17:55

MAY
17
Day 830: Allover the place
In the past i'd ask myself why are there synonyms. Most imaginative answer for me was to make vocabulary more versatile, and even though i asked myself if words apply only for specific situational context, i didn't have the experience (still don't in some cases) that would make me understand what is the difference besides words looking different. Maybe i should check dictionary. I already imagine how meaning of one word is used to explain the meaning of another. Like: you make a choice when you decide on something, or more obvious, you make a decision when you choose something.

Anyway i'm pretty exhausted. That idea of how i'll slowly destroy myself from the perspective of secretly creating a new me after that went a bit off road, and instead i'm constantly in this limbo where when i don't have free time i constantly daydream like there is some sort of conspiracy against me where the only way i'll survive is to deserve it with working for it, and the only way i'll be free is if i'll earn it in some way. And then in the afternoons when i am free to a pretty good extent, i don't really know what to do with my time. I think of writing extra posts, but as you can see i'm pretty drained out on what to write about. Funny, when i started "putting myself out there" either with Sf or just venting it out, the hardest part was opening up my "secret mind". I am definitely aware that some words or thoughts in my head were not constructive and when i wrote it out for others to see it was more from self interested point of view done on account of daring it, and thinking that if i'll let it out i'll somehow free myself, like getting rid of fear of saying something. I mean i kind of know that it did damage relationships with others. But some bull i'd express was definitely out of line and even though i dare say i did wonder if i am correct, a memory manifested within me of this primal fear. It was really easy to face it this time around. I think that facing one's own consequence is toughest cookie to eat, mainly because there is no one to blame but yourself. And i went and do worst possible thing and imagine how something else that i don't have sight of was responsible for it. Which is like having this potential of me screwing up something, and then ignoring that, and rather search for something outside myself that somehow contributed to my miserable internal situation. What is even worse is that i don't know how to fix it. Maybe there is a way to treat it but it certainly won't be one time apply only kind of thing. It is more of a continuous way of doing things.

So even though i am free i don't know what to do with it. I really seek information within me for something that would excite me to do, but there is no hype. It is like having so much time at disposal and not knowing how to spend it.

As for reactions. Each time i see myself going into particular environment where i know i was reactive in the past I simply remind myself of the past and do everything within my power to not lit a flame i'd not be able to put out. I mean even doing nothing is better to do something that is making things bad for me. I still wonder if there is a way to work things out, or will i ever stay like this. I mean latest idea i got was that when and if i wanted to spend company with another that i'd find attractive and they wouldn't let me in i'd go away, and let fate handle it. Sometimes i'd have trouble letting it go and other times it would fade away pretty fast. It is interesting that in some spontaneous situations i'd impress another completely, like one i was asked if i'm this perfect kind of guy, and while sometimes i'd think that others wanna be like me, i then also remember that bad side of my experience of not being completely fond of life. It is like a lottery of a sort while communicating with people cause me being me in certain occasions manifested me knowing more more that would despise me. Or at least i'd think it that way. Maybe the toughest ones in such sense were those where i'd completely get attracted towards another but they would just be repelled by me. My logic went pretty deep and i'd rather just move away from them myself than to move me towards something that would move away from me each time i'd step closer. So close yet so far away. And to think that all of this happens because i'd think that experiencing expression of another would somehow mend my internal terrors or some god knows what insecurities, like i'd not even know if it is made up or is there something relevant in those pieces of information that if i don't consider, will make my experience unpleasant.

I don't know why this pattern of things that are really perspective at first sight can become like a burden down the line. For instance this story of how i imagined that there is such a thing as magic manifested this desire within me of wanting to find out how it works, while all along because i'd not find anything close resembling it, i mean it was more creating understanding for why things roll a certain way, i'd start doubt the existence of it. In fact i'd try to reason with everything i'd not understand, i didn't care if i made it up. I'll believe it until something will dismantle that belief. And once i'd find something that would completely eat my mind, i'd start once again to believe in something i don't. It is like God. There are many stories how individuals would not believe in it, and once they were close to death they changed their mind about it. I think i'll won't be any different, than again i can only imagine things with my head. Sometimes nailing it and other times i pray to stop thinking. It is like unresolved things gnawing on me and there is nothing but to wait for it to pass. It is like that the only cure for it is to not care. Taking things to heart too much is just as destructive to not take any thing at all. So maybe feeling it is all about dealing with something that is created by self, but in a tricky way where one conditions it with something that is created by another. It is like wanting to have this or that but not wanting to face everything else that comes with it, everything that is actually conditioning its existence.

It is like this whole world is tricky, things come to those who wait, while waiting for something to come to you makes a nothing happen. I mean there are scenarios in life where both of contradicting polarities happen, and then all i have to do is pick the one that makes me feel good to motivate me to stay with my choice, or decision (don't know which is more correct)? Oh yea and try not to remember the one that make me feel bad in the process?

It is really weird to think that some people would like having some abilities others have, and while those that have them whine how hard is to live with such a gift (more like a curse), and those that don't, imagine how better their lives would turn out to be. Lately i really think about myself like some nutcase that zones out too much, but what i also heard is that even whining can get you further. My honest perspective about it is that it just happens so that things don't work the way we choose to, like there is no choice available. Like if there is it would only happen for a short window of time and then things would get restricted again. I mean it is all a matter of what one decides to let out, but than there is also that release when decision is like nothing compared to something that can't be contained any longer. I mean in such a case i think it is even better to let it all out, no matter how others take it to heart. It is like each one is using freedom they have to weave in freedom of another. And we end up being enslaved. And that attachment is like just a let go away to become detached again, but that again has its drawbacks.

It is really weird how i end up looking to myself is that when i'd find myself in a compromising situation i'd start looking for that bright side of it, and no matter how compromising it is I'd find that dot of life even though it seems to be indefinably fading away, i'd use it to fuel my purpose, even though i at the start realise something is not completely right with it, i'd then imagine i only imagine things, and the worst happens when i start believing it is good for me in some way, yea being on your own can get scary sometimes. So while being stable can get boring and the negative thoughts make one feel bad, the trick for me was to make positive realisations about something that i'd have difficulty facing no matter how culty it gets. It is like trying to figure out natural laws that are based on limited facts (cause nature really is immense). I mean memory of a mind is too small to contain all of info that nature consist of, and then having this excitement phasing to fear on occasion, because we know that things we believe in might prove our own downfall.

So for me it was like imagining it my choices and decisions may not bare any fruits, but because the sprout out of a idea or a belief they will i simply ignore all those doubts that in certain times face. But i also try not to get too warmed up about them, even though it is hard not to. I mean if someone else can make you feel bad because of whatever reason, what is then a belief that makes you feel good. What is feeling nothing, or being stable within it all. It is like there are so many possibilities to express as to influence environment and then environment giving you experience that would literally pull you into a sensation, and then considering which face to wear if it is even possible to wear one, all just to make an experience happen. Is there even like a best way to do things. I mean a seemingly bad choice can prove pretty damn right some time away, and those in the moment things that we immediately fall for can in a long run prove to be a disaster as well. I mean i while my life would unfold to my eyes would constantly restrict good things to me, like the prettier the commercial would be the less trust i'd have in it. It is just me or was it because of fear i'll get tricked. And then the best "only I could trick me" idea happened and then i knew i can cause potential hell for me if i go on like that. But believing every lie is just as destructive, so knowing i'll just not have certain facts I'd go run around wishing best for me, sometimes finding the worst, but hell, haven wasn't made in a day either. Haven't i thought of everything to figure it out? Looks like not, but i did manage to tangle me up for sure to stick to a certain choice. What is worse is that sometimes i have no problem forgetting it and do little things that are actually taking a bit of course. And the excuse i use in that moment is that my will is not strong enough, or that decisions i made was not so solid if i in moments treat it as lost cause. Maybe i'm just dealing with pasts' choices' consequences.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 24 May 2017, 19:26

MAY
24
Day 831: Different days
This weeks 3 particular experiences that kind of derailed me, then, in one i got super positive, and then one in which i thought i'll get overwhelmed, but kind of managed to keep myself on schedule.

One day i had a reaction towards an individual that i kept having reaction towards throughout my entire life. One reason i could see was that this individual usually behaved in a good way, too good to a point of being annoying. Them being in worry of anything and everything bad that might happen caused them to constantly overdo care. In the past at one particular event i knew i caused them to be angry at me and i was surprised how quickly they would get out of anger when it was "imperative" for them to behave stable. From then on out i saw these reactions between people with more doubt. On one hand it is like we want to induce each other with inner experience (cause reactions) almost like sort of a manipulation and on the other this genuine attempt to make others feel what we'd want them to feel in order to feel what we wanna feel. On the other hand life experience gives us ability to kind of mind things and get real when we know we have to and all that feeling inducement thing seems like an illusion. So in certain situation it gives all the value there can be had and in other it has no value at all. That sober stable sensation in which one is not defined by anything feeling or emotional becomes a really practical state to be in. Anyway, that individual made me see that all that anger she was in towards me really meant nothing to her when situation got influenced. I mean from then on out i had a pretty good reason to not take anyone that is either happy or hateful or sad seriously, though there is still that knowing that they are just like that, they could not be anything else because they simply don't know how to be anything else give the situation they experience and in a ways co created for themselves. For me personally it is hard to see if they manipulate with expression or are they just that because of not knowing how to help themselves.

So what happened was that i got angry at them because what i usually do is just be home, and they know it, and then when i came across them in the home we live together in, they would start telling me to do things while i had my own things in mind to do. I got pissed for the cause of judging them as opportunistic, with a reason of them having all day to ask things from me to do for them and only when i came near them they would ask me for it. I inflated the situation more with just ranting and raving about all the rest of things that i found annoying from them and in the end of it i then started feeling bad about myself of how evil i am because of the way i behave. Later on she told me that i really scared her when i told her what i don't like about her, as if the anger i expressed myself in really did cause some considering. And the weirdest thing came about when i said how my heart hurts me because of the way she speaks with me, like always checking if she is still in control of me and my life and on one hand my heart doesn't hurt me but it does anger me. Like all the talking she would do would be within intent of making herself feel good about herself when making others feel the way she would like they would feel. So i turned thing around and i saw that my problem is that i don't want her to feel happy about the way she is, so i'm practically the same, as in the only reason i am angry at her is because she feels happy about who she is while her physical behaviour is actually causing me to have constant reactions of anger and hate towards her. I mean it is not always, i do lately see that i can kind of "prepare" to interact with her a certain way to not immediately cause the commotion whenever she would want to feel good about herself through having control over me.
So i asked her why does she even say these things to me that piss me off, why does she feel good about it, and then she replied she doesn't, and my mind got blown, cause why does she then even ask such things if they don't make her feel good. I mean is there some intentional want to cause mental harm to others, no matter how much it hurts us. When i got pissed i felt good about it because of a reason of thinking that it might influence change in her behaviour towards me. In the end i caused her to scare me. So it is weird cause i wanted influence her change so that i'd like her more, cause obviously i didn't like the way she was interacting with me, and in the end i only felt bad about myself and had whole day of self judgement how more and more ruined i become on a mental level.
I mean in the past she and her partner had same ordeal and now they don't argue so much though it is not completely over. And i in a way started behaving so similar as her husband does. I mean did i learn that from him or it that just natural computer like mind response towards such expression of a being. Either way i really watch now beforehand to not loose it again on her immediately as i'd see "fit". It is good stability training i guess. I also see myself breathing more again, while for some time i completely forgot to do that.

Another day things went just good. Lots of happenings, new insights i was from one perspective encouraged to hear and i can now actually see a future now for myself at least in which i have a chance to really live my life. The other side of the coin looks like constant work work work, but still there is room for joy within it all. I mean i'd in the past run away from it with all my four, and now i don't have that response anymore. My library of excuses got so large now i can in a way choose fair enough reason for one or the other side, no matter how bad it looks from a certain aspect. I got pretty lucky, only thing i have to put into consideration to not over do it. I don't want to get exhausted because of wanting to see or do too many things through at the same time.

Than there was the consequence of this how much i can handle. It is exhausting. I mostly breathe during the hours of getting things done. And a really neat thing i learned is how much preparation means in getting things done. Path between actions must be as short as possible, and when it comes to movement carry as many parts as possible from one to another place. It takes basically same amount of time either walking with one or ten parts, though if i'd move parts one by one it would take ten times as much as if i'd move ten of them at the same time. In other words it is mentally "exhausting" cause one really has to think what one is doing and the positive side of it is that it makes one forget of all the other problems one would carry within, if one has them. And at the end of the day you get so dried out you can't even think. There is like a reaction of peace inside towards previously ongoing "ordered disorder".

I basically lately work on how i interact with certain individuals that i am in constant proximity in, basically i'm scared of screwing up myself because it is egotistical to behave like the things i feel inside are the most important thing there is, i mean they are not even a thing, things last this energy usually dies out be it love or hate or anything energetic actually. Energy just flows so it is obvious that flows die out if they are not constantly fuelled, cause fuelling can become exhausting. Depending on what one is investing it.

I mean on one hand it is good to be lectured, but on the other it can become overwhelming. Where to draw the line is a choice, but if no line is drawn it sort of draws itself in a way. Same thing with love, on one hand of being "fulfilled" it makes one really happy, and if not opposite things eats you whole. I personally have no idea how to sail through that, but i do admit that individuals that i'd completely fall for them would on the other hand cause me to really deeply hate them. I mean in the past i'd fear me becoming a being full of grudges, cause i mean it is inevitable to not hate something at certain points of time, ego is just too overwhelming in that, but i also don't want to let these thing have an ever lasting effect on me. It would just accumulate to a point of mental failures, and then those make you forget about sins with others, and the biggest problem i'd kind of choose to see is me being me.

I admit i have still many unsorted issues. Unbalanced or something similar to unfair, as a decided way to see things did cause me huge mental problems in the past. It is like no one can solve them but me within me, yet on the other hand there is always that tide of thoughts that it is something outside of me that is causing it, so why bother. Though it is completely in conflict with logic of influence that which i can, within interactions with another or more, which is obviously me in a larger extent than some other person, being, entity, animal or whatever the word that would describe life for real. It is like same old things in infinite slightly different ways.

Like stability is a dream that i wanna make come true, but what really happens that one day i wake up on left foot, another on right, then there are those exceptions where i don't wake up, and when i put down both at the same time. In a way it is extraordinary cause of so much going on, on some occasions and in another it is just a drag. Some days hell, other days haven... really mixed experiences...

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 31 May 2017, 18:25

MAY
31
Day 832: Mash up
The other day when i stopped myself constructively, when i'd actually try to think what the hell is going on i figured out something about the whole energetic aspect about and within people. What happened was that i got discovered doing something by someone i'd least want to know what i'm sometimes indulging myself into. I mean i wrote about it in the past but that individual got bored of reading my blog and as it seems they didn't know i tried such things in the past. Yes, from a certain aspect it is my own falling, i mean it is just that thing where i did let go of the activity but then there are times when i remember it and the experience that comes with it and it is impossible for my mind, pardon me, to stop myself from doing it. Of course i told her main parts of the story and she was still pretty stressed about it, especially cause of her care about me. When i told her to let go of the subject she didn't and what happened was conflict. I tried to convince her it is not such a big deal, but her knowledge about the subject seemed like i was already lost to life. She became depressed, like with every point throughout my life that wasn't aligned to what she wanted to create me into. And when the conflict reached its peak, i started philosophising, just trying to make her understand how i see things, how people believe and according to that create automatic responses towards everything that reality faces them with. I mean from m perspective it is impossible to create oneself into a perfect being because what files with some simply won't ever fly with others. It is interesting cause it is the same with acceptance, to some it is completely normal to clean toilets or pump shit out of shit hole while others would never allow themselves to do such jobs. Anyway, these energetic definitions within us are certainly allot to deal with. Even when it comes to manipulation of turning another to see a different side of the same story it may never happen because there are some that are so solidified into what they believe in there is just no turning back.

Even though i just hear an interesting phrase that if anything is wrong we'll fix it, and it is very motivating, i managed to tangle up my energetic profile so completely, i don't even give myself a chance to for instance try to use opportunities when they arise, to make a relationship with any girl i come across. It is like, i'm in a way waiting to die and then when i'll be dead (i hope i won't stop existing now, yes i actually changed my mind about it) i'll go mend certain relationships first. I mean if there is any truth to what i was told with the relation to my past. On an energetic level it eats me whole at times when i believe it, i'll never get a chance to be in a long term relationship, on the other hand i still think i have chances, and even though they are slim, it makes me react with joy when i think of thing getting through for me.

Mainly i though about this last attachment i had towards some individual, and yes each time i think about it still think I've not let go of the idea completely, but what i really though about was how guilt prevented me from normal communication with them. What i did was ignore them for a really long time. Actually i've not ignored anyone that long, from a sense of thinking that i have to deal with them. I mean i can imagine it only gave them more reason to behave in a similar way towards me, but the other side of the story is that when that individual portrayed a picture from which i ended up looking like a victim of some "manipulation like behaviour" i was laughing because from my point of view things were now even. What scares me most is that i think i'll still someday meet this individual and considering how much silent conflict went on within me towards them, thinking they had something similar within themselves towards me, that all this conflict will only further give reason to even more of it in the future, if i'll be blessed enough to see it.

I mean what i've learned through this individual that i was writing beforehand is that conflict is something natural that occurs when our own beliefs are worth more than actions that someone else actually makes. Basically something that is only existing as information in our mind as a potential consequence to what is actually already happening in reality is more valuable. For somethings i think it is right to think so but for others it is just too much inflated panic. Maybe i just write excuses to defend my falling as not really that, and instead trying to manipulate my actions as just, because i mean reality certainly allows it. Even in the past it was perfectly normal, it is only lately that some believe it is not. If it is due telly brainwashing or actual real tangible evidence that it is so, i don't know, all i do know that it is damn hard to not do certain things when you have free time to do them and at the same time not knowing to do anything else, while believing it is the thing that will make your day and if not you'll go bonkers.

Same with my writing. I wanted to write during the weekend cause i just felt like venting all this shit out. I din't, i deliberately stopped no matter how much i felt like it, or feared the consequence of not doing it.

It is almost as if i'd known my entire life this would happen because of being too picky, because of something never being good enough for me, or maybe it was some awareness of the unaware part of me that through which i knew i had some really bad past behind me that i made for myself cause of thinking of things a certain way, and because i'd make decision that were biased by imagining things might being a certain way i'd really make a mess, and this not just for me but for others also. I mean the other day i was remembering how i'd as a child knew existence of things that would happen when i'd not even see them or experience them. I mean the way i was in the past i'd see each and anyone only doing choices that i'd justify whit them believing they would have good long term outcomes, and what would happen is constant backchat about any action anyone i'd see make. And most of the time from my point of view it would cause me negative reactions. But what i did learn was that i've not really express myself, in fact now i understand those that decide to not speak at all, even for a lifetime.

So my main problem is that i believe there are normal people out there that read my shit, and see me as not that, just because i had some weird experiences through which i then calculated i have to share it with others, which on the bottom line brings me to a belief that i created that i'm not really wanted by someone i wanted to be wanted by, while having a contradicting belief that it is already like that and it is more time that i in the past asked for that i keep buying by delivering my presence through writing stuff that comes up my mind.

In short i don't really know what is right for me, i just know that the opposite might not be, and if what i write is not, i'm willing to eat and swallow consequences up whole. All in all i listen to my programming, despite knowing it is not completely aligned to what would be "best to take action" (like there is some knowing of what i unavoidably do to myself by just being me, and then having the ability to calculate the right choice like that will manipulate the consequence to my liking). So yes there is no denying that there is a possibility to fall back, and again experience the whole drama. But the reason of unconscious action seems too influential to not repeat that. I mean if i do, it is probably cause of not learning my lesson. Than again from a perspective of what is an aligned being (which i believe not one has any idea how to be that) no matter the action it is wrong from some perspective, and while knowing i'm not deep enough in shit to kill myself for it, i'll just make things happen until i run out of force or force kills me on the way there. I mean from some perspective i really didn't have a choice, considering i know i tried everything else i was capable and competent enough on the way where i'm now.

I mean the other side of believing my writing is completely pointless cause supposedly if my self interest won't happen it may as well be seen that way, is that i still learn allot about my mind, how careful i am what i write despite not caring how many mistakes and thus opposite, or some completely other meaning might come through than what i actually mean. Than again i've deal with so many beings that made up their mind about things it was impossible to convince them otherwise and there is really nothing but time conditioned consequence that might show the real deal. I mean even at that i know of few that didn't move at all and are still right where they were 20 even more years ago. Maybe i'm just looking for something i'll be able to believe in for eternity, i don't know. But through my process i have definitely learned that that which i feel is changeable and i can choose to be what i want, thus energy conditioned responses even though they are unavoidable when looking for a purpose, but they might as well show that some short term purpose may not be completely trustworthy especially due learning that some things that feel so good and right can actually be quite harmful in a long run, and then realising that it was the feeling of that energy that lured me to it, how could i ever trust what i feel ever again until i program myself the right way that won't make me suffer in a long run. While believing i'll never truly find it and then not caring about it any longer i'm suddenly saved for now from all the negatives that would come through, knowing i have to care but cause of not knowing how to in what way it is better i don't care at all. I mean there are events when you know how to but not all the time. And then when knowing that even logic has a failure point where you can think only so many moves ahead, and beyond that point one is more fate determined like some lottery wheel, I don't know why i even bothered to have certain things under control. I mean seems more or less that there is really nothing on can trust on terms that are conditioned by long term consequences that each and every single living being is contributing to by just the way the move, like or not like to do things.

So that individual that was too worried about me of what i do with myself decided to keep my actions secret from her husband, cause he would probably be really pissed at me too for being like that, and i decided to share my experience with a few close friends, i mean i had nothing else that would be that eventful to share, i mean even if it is a bad one. Otherwise it is pretty boring most of the day. Not that i don't like it, i mean in the past i was in a lot of stress about the whole thing we call life, and it is much better lately. I mean sometimes i still feel it, but it is not constantly continuous, like waking up into it and the falling asleep out of it.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 14 Jun 2017, 11:28

JUN
14
Day 833: Breaking and reengaging
I took a little vacation from blogging. I know i'm dong it for myself, despite how not doing something for myself that i'd commit to do may be compromising. I mean i don't have any fact that it is so, so it might be the opposite too where i think i'm doing something for myself, but in the long run it may be compromising. And since i don't have any proof for one or the other it is equally compromising, or benefiting.

On terms of my mind being divided into yeses or noes, and force stopping my own participation with it or just letting it run to see where i go with it, I realised that i have gotten to know lots of back alleys of thinking that don't do me good in a short run. And despite latest mind construct that i've developed with regards to feeling good about one's own actions things that in a short run really feel good, but in a long run cause absolute havoc within myself, there and then must exist things i participate in within my head that are in a short run really compromising to my current me as all the habit perpetual mechanisms but are in a long run quite rewarding, especially cause it need time to manifest.

With regards to how i feel when giving up and letting go of some entertaining patterns. it is somewhat hard to remember to breathe each time i come up with an good for me idea that in a long run is dooming. And despite knowing that i could as well let it go on for as long as it can, and let the accumulation of consequence in the end eat me whole, forcing me to stop doing it.

I mean it gets really mentally bad. I don't know if it is my own awareness that makes me feel such horrible terrifying things or some other being with simple power to do so, but if nothing i'd know of would help and would then start doing things others would "suggest" me to do it in order for me to get sober again. Like self forgiveness for example. I felt like i had no choice, considering what i was facing in those moments. On one hand there was my self interest, with all those obstacles i believed in i have to uphold, and on the other other beings that already did it for the cause of good effort.

I could spent and eternity mindmessing myself why something is or isn't worth of doing, but there was and i think still is that initial idea that is keep giving me fuel in order for me to see a point in all of this.

I mean as my story goes i always had a doubt within me considering anything really. It is like having an ability to come up with excuses of good and bad nature to anything that can be done. It would mean that i'd come up with a reason why not to do a perfectly good thing, cause of having a negative reaction towards it, usually it would be something else that i'd rather do than that. And on the other hand, i'd come up with reasons towards why to do thing that are perfectly bad and i'd have positive reaction towards thinking about them, while in common sense, if i dare call it that would be really not so good to do them constantly. And because i'd not on the bottom of it really ever know what is what, i'd guess that in a long run i'll eventually learn from it, cause otherwise i'd just repeat it again, giving myself another go to face same thing and hopefully by then i'd get and understand what i'm really doing to myself.

I really wanted to write during all this time, to share my mental realisations. For instance when i'd be doing something, and my mind would just keep running here and there think totally unreal thinks, and sometimes managed to come up with really good reasonable explanations.

I think it did me good from a perspective of finding out how stuck i am with my beliefs and intentions. Not cause i couldn't let go of them, but because if i did it may cause even more compromise. I guess that i why i had a sense of always wanting to avoid certain people, and forgetting that there really is not such a thing. I mean if something exists there is no way of avoiding it, no matter how much intent there is.

So what happened to me was that i had this idea of relationships, with regards t o coupling. Having one and only for all time so that i'd not have to have a partner then after some time break because of god know what excuse and then going on to another and after some time again break that, and so and so on. So i'd seek for "perfect" match. Cause if that wouldn't happen i'd be in the end looking like tasting whole universe and i'd still not found one. From the other side it would look like problem is really me cause there would be no one i'd found that would be good enough for me, meaning my terms of searching would be would not be inappropriate if not entirely. And so as time gave its influence i'd in the end be constricted by two worlds one real and one in the mind that would in a sense be important cause we always check up on each others beliefs. In real world i'd pick and choose, and i'd get stuck on some points I'd be free to engage just as to disengage. But in the mental world "mind world", as some beings have a the ability to see more of it, and others are more or less blind to it, there must be same principles that apply. So the level of stuckness just got a bit deeper for me. Not to mention all the compromising habits i failed to tame, there is this belief now within me that i actually had that "eternal" relationship going for me but i seemed to have forgotten about it. I mean as i was told through some channel i had a nice going relationship with someone supposedly in a past life and then due to conflicting interest i started doubting it, to such a level in fact that i willingly compromised it. It was like using a third party that i was already in conflict with to deal with the second party that i was in relationship with but was also conflict within us, and despite knowing that there is this desire love, the doubt of it ever happening looked much more promising. While believing that the second party was actually in a good relationship with the third one, i decided to tell to the third one about the second one, and while knowing that either way i'd get a knife in my back cause of doing it to the second party, the second party would not experience any kind of consequence or the full force of it. Depending on where they truly stand. So this is my curse. To constantly test if some things hold together cause of having doubt in them and while doing it slowly damaging those connections in the process. It is dreading to know that a belief is the only thing needed to not behave in such a way. I mean it is just a little bit of that blind trust, that would prevent happening such separation, but no, it is like we constantly need reassurance for facts to make our religion in them stand.

I mean sometimes i'd laugh about how ironic life really is, especially cause of not having much of an influence of how it rolls out. I guess there really is not much more to it than making that choice and standing with it, no matter how may words curse you, simply because it is conflicting to those that make them. And there is no saying if they are right or not. You only follow your heart just as they do theirs, i mean "they" whoever you think you are in conflict with. And don't ask me how this can be resolved, all i dare to say that it is an ancient problem that was never entirely fixed. And this energy behind it is like a driving force sometimes of great help and purpose and at other the main "enemy", like you don't want it to be there but it is cause of reasons, usually unknown, and if they are known it is that much better cause then one knows what point needs addressing within one. So yeah breathing helps allot. At least to me whenever i deal with ideas of longing for a relationship and then remembering how well i managed to screw that point up.

I don't know why i managed to mix information given to me through another that had the ability to see it. I mean the way i looked at it it was either they are lying to me and they don't even know, but if they are not i might as well end my life than to not respect their words in a case they were true. It is really insane for me to think about it. I guess that was the main reason why i'd not want to deal with certain type of beings that i'd not believe they would exist, like it is some sort of a fantasy. But then something supernatural hit me and it was like this past needed whole lot of mending to not repeat same thing again. So the way i see how things are now gonna roll out on me is that this individual i keep waiting to talk to me personally will never happen cause of my inappropriate behaviour. So in a sense i'll die waiting for something. The being from my dreams that seemed really real might as well not be, but if i take that ally it may cause even more harm, and if i believe it has importance it may be wrong as well so either way i'm not really sure. And lastly the idea that this dreamt of being and the being from reality have any connection what so ever is all up in the air. I mean it is like highly unlikely but who knows. I mean it may just as well be that in a crucial moment of opportunity i choose to create a belief within me that the being from my dreams is not the same one in reality and it would mean all this self interested behaviour is really for nothing.

And you may look at me whichever way you like it is my problem i don't really know how to deal with. Cause from one sense i am a traitor and this trait is foreverstucking on to me. I mean even in reality it is so. It has more to do with certain individual than with some system, despite knowing that that which we call systems is more just another way of life than anything calculable.

I think i'm gonna focus more on my own mind taming from now on. I made this whole process about relationship creation with someone else. But would that require a certain me to be compatible for that? Honestly it is like a big i don't know, and let me see if i can find out. I can already see myself being alone through entire life. That is if i choose to believe certain fact that might as well not even be such. Or i can let go of everything and simply go on, probably not learning the thing and repeating it one more time. I guess now i understand why ignorance is bliss. Cause turning a blind eye looks like the only reasonable thing left to do, despite knowing that sooner or later it will spin around, and there it will be to face it once more. Who knows, it may also be that a missed opportunity is only truly forever missed.

Particularly i was dealing with a memory of this girl surprising me from edge of an exit when i was walking out of a building. She would ask me how am i, and all my mind was busy with was rage how i managed to screw up situation for me again. And then when i barely spoke out the words OK, while remembering that i shouldn't talk to her (others told me so), i passed her with an army of consequences within my head how they might have taken that moment in. I mean i had to touch her shoulders cause i was so up in my head with all my problems to see if she is really there or if i'm only imagining things. From a certain point i only did what i was asked to, though i do regret not breaking the instructions of others, especially after already experiencing so much compromise because of doing that just that, meaning upholding them. I don't know what i'm getting myself into here. But it may as well look like really extraordinary no matter how many times it gets repeated.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 21 Jun 2017, 09:41

JUN
21
Day 834: Mind washing
I had an experience of me being plugged into computer. Headphones prevented me from hearing this individual, that doesn't want to be mentioned in what relation he is to me, coming home. After two hours i stopped playing game, i went down and in cold blood shared why i didn't realised they got home. Then this person started explaining what information he picked up just recently cause he was watching this show. Topic was related how pc games destroy lives of people.

I again had an arsenal of excuses to counter that. Whole conversation turned into an argument and then yelling at each other. They keep asking me why do i cover every one of his words and i was just trying to philosophise they do what they like and i do what i like. I thought at that time that is really just a problem of self honesty they not wanting to admit what they like doing because they react with good sensations towards it, but they do have the capacity to lecture others how what others feel good about doing is not really good for them.

I mean just as i could find positives for my activity that it makes me experience a nice fictional story, to those that sold it to me means surviving, and i get to learn English while doing it, maybe snatch a few good ideas that just happen to be incorporated within the experienced material. They would have their negatives how it breaks my time from living it real in reality, that i have to have an illusion to feel good about it, etc...

That same way i could go about their job. That they have to burn lots of fuel to have fun, invest large quantities of money to their sport, and besides being dangerous to some extent it is not for everyone. I mean who am i to judge my imagination, all i do is automatically generate and aspect about some thing and then make up a plausible reasonable explanation for why it possibly just maybe might be true.

I mean i was same in the past and i still do get sometimes meet the points where i want to share my feelings about how another wastes time for themselves. But what was interesting before that argument and that was just right after i finished playing my game, was this notion within me that i have to do more, not of games of course but within reality, like have to do "great" thing to then feel like i accomplished something. And i hit a wall, simply because i couldn't come up with anything in my head. It is funny actually come to think to it how i thought in the past that ideas in my mind are creation of some other godlike being that supposedly claimed creation of the mind, as if before i could blame that being for what i create inside of myself within my secret mind, but now that i'm completely exhausted of any ides i would suddenly start blaming them for not giving any of that anymore. And as i was patronised like so many times before why i don't get a move on to create something more instead of mind washing myself with my playing of games, and ironically doing that same thought to me after finishing my game, i was completely hit by a wall of this "think of something" and i didn't have any clue what to think of. I know i now have some ideas what to do that could possibly give me that experience of accomplishment besides of having faith in myself that i'm actually of use to someone.

I bet it is not the last time this will happen, but it certainly hit the nail within the dimension of "doing things we like" because on one hand it is life fulfilling and on the other sometimes it is quite the opposite, while all the while it does feel good to whoever does the pleasantries or scrutiny to others, just because it feels the right thing to do. The way i see it this whole process is kind of exactly that. Where we change this inner reactive nature, not just to stop feeling good about spreading shit, but also to feel good about things we in the past wouldn't like some responsible activity that insure survival, cause i mean some things are so easy to get because the system provides them for really cheap amount, but if that safety net somehow stops being there who is gonna take care of one but oneself, and that means doing things that are not necessarily liked but through "process and rehearsing" that can be changed. In a way it is brainwashing but it doesn't mean it is bad if a good thing that is taken as bad gets to be taken as good after the washing is done.

I think i also stopped feeling bad about not being influential enough. I kind of realised that if certain things need constant participation that is enough for me to feel accomplished, even though there was a desire within me to do "great" things in the past and once i hit that wall, i mean i really believed i did something different, despite having that feel that it is just same old story happening again, and it did feel extraordinary after it. Problem was that i then thought that i have to keep doing it in order to not miss out on anything, and the paranoia with relation to not coming up with anything new was quite present throughout some years i might add. It is now that much more hilarious because at the same time i was paranoid about what "suggestions" i let out of myself and how those words would worsen experience of some when they would put them to "good" use, and i'd get to blame or felt responsible because in a way i contributed with my simple writing to their somewhat of a downfall. I guess that is the good part of responsibility that no matter what i feel within me it is my own doing, and that way another is safe from the perspective if they trigger me to feel anything bad because of the way they would interact with me or the other way around, i mean consequence is there but it is easier to face physical action with knowing not everything is one's fault especially when another will is to do it, just cause it makes them feel good.

For instance i'd in the past think of a particular moment in various different ways. I could see it as an act of vengeance, letting them know how each one that crossed their path felt along the way about the whole way of interaction, it was like draw them in to get to know them closer and then push them away if they ain't good enough, while having this already set up story that everything was ascribed in the past and now we only living it, while trying to play this game of creating attraction that will never get to the desired level from the point of view of one party, and another would so much hope to be like that. Another way to seeing it was that i had my own plans that i could see that they had a potential so the only thing they needed was time and along all the rest of the excuses that i saw as a no go one was that i didn't wanted to create any deeper attachment to that being because i simply could let go of the belief that they had the thing already going for themselves, and i'd feel like i want to steal someones partner, besides the aspect of looking like a fool to think that a made up belief is how reality looks like actually, no matter how much i wish it to be so. I mean i did hold the though that it maybe actually is so, but i was never truly sure. Maybe it was just me not wanting to sacrifice that looking like a fool because of believing my own made up lies, but maybe that was the trick that needed to happen and i didn't because of the thick ice wall would make me face the lie i think my self to be were it not shattered down in one attempt. I mean there are many more ideas about that one moment i had, when i touched someones shoulders. Maybe it was done out of understanding and appreciation that i was being looked after, cause i mean i yearned for attention of someone, and just as it happens it again happened that i sensed they didn't get the message through to someone they wanted to, and just as a precaution i'm telling that i wanted to take a bit of break from all the intentions, cause it got a bit confusing. I mean i do desire the further developments of some things, it is just not the time. I mean this is a just in case situation. Cause in some other dimensions in my head i still get that idea that i'm more of an annoyance, and the only reason i'm let near is cause of giving them survival through money otherwise i sometimes think that others see me as this obsessed being, then again i do get opposite hints that i'm lacking participation, but either way i still constantly remind myself to be part of something so extraordinary no matter how much i'd sometimes be exhausted by it, or filled up with life cause of it.

But i mean all purpose is like that. Some goals are create-able and some aren't. I just have to keep reminding myself to not regret the amount of lost wasted time, cause i mean if this is my last life, it doesn't really matter how it ends, i mean it does in a way, but the path also matters as they say.


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