Day 22: Giving into...(part 1)
http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... art-1.html
This is what happened after midnight, after I posted day 21: Lunchtime
Neighbor called me, he said to come to his house with a computer mouse so that we'll play some game.
Immediately I gave into the feeling, not even considering if this is best for me and for those around me. I went to his house first we smoked a cigarette than I consciously asked him if he has any speed on him, he said he has. It was a question of a desire from me to get drugged up. It was like some time since I took it and instead of slowing down I just gave in. There is nothing to say for myself as in that moment of choice I knew I have given into the mind of desires. Well I took a line and than we went playing. We did two games and in the mid between the games and at the end I took some more of it and also have a cigarette. I have broken my commitments in pursuit of happiness and in that I felt guilt and at the same time regret and always tried to cover it up with `I don't care´ character, I want to get the experience of being drugged and further manipulated myself.
Than I went home I turned on my comp and Internet wasn't working properly so I went on reading What the FAQ is equal money system, because I was all awake. After two and a half hours of reading I tried to get some sleep, I couldn't, i was focusing on breath all the time and thoughts would still come up as in
why do I do something that I have committed myself not to do,
why don't I stop this shit of giving into self-interest of getting my physical fucked up all of the time,
why am I so weak of not taking responsibility for my life,
why don't I just break free from all this commotion of making a commitment to myself than brake it and than feeling regret over it from failing as giving in to the experience
As I remember this was the third time this happened to me this year maybe more and smoking I quited for like two months at the start of the year and after that breakdown I started again my head was so full of these delusions taking a smoke was the worst thing instead of just taking a breath. Same thing when smoking a cigarette when breathe in I totally focus on getting my lungs full of air and in that moment there are no thoughts because I totally focus on breath.
Well time passed and at 8:30 I got out of bed my mind was running in circles all of the time because of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. Anyway went down cleaned my face and teeth than I went into the kitchen and dad was there and said: "Go change your clothes you smell like shit (cigarettes).
I immediately stopped myself from reacting just took a breath in and went up back to my room to change clothes. Than I made myself something to eat and went back upstairs to check if Internet is working, it didn't so I went on back reading. While reading I had to keep reminding myself that I must not scratch myself on the back and on the face, its so hard to stop, constantly continuously, stop, breathe like I can't be fucking still.
Than the time came to take my grandparents to this meting of the whole family of theirs (some woman made a chart of all of the family on my grandmothers side that is still alive). First we drove to my cousin to meet with them and then we went on. While there I played with the son of my cousin and we threw this ball around and also talked with my cousin of how are things. Than we all went together to that meeting.
There was like 120 people all related in someway, I only knew 5 of them well cousin and her family.
There was a greeting with an aperitif, I took one glass of blueberry brandy and I thought of not taking it and I'd still let into the feeling. Than we sat down there were sweets on the table I didn't took any. I talked to my cousin until the representation of the tree started. After that we went out to take some group photos and than we went back inside. We got served with a lunch, I drank only juice since I was driving. In the middle of the happening I started to go tired since I hadn't have any sleep, I didn't know what to say to my cousin so I just listen to people around me, give a comment here and there mostly stayed silent and try only focusing on breathing and listening. Thoughts of judgements would still come up when I would listen to someone, I would like speak self-forgiveness in my head but was scared of pronouncing than out loud as I didn't know what would happen or something like that fear was the trigger of not being loud about it. Well most of the time I would just breathe and listen to other peoples conversations about family and so on. After a while I went to grandma and asked her if she wants to go home well I wanted to because cousin left and there was no one else that I knew. Well she still wanted to get this book on family tree and I said: "no problem, when you want to go tell me".
We went back home. When I came into my house I just started saying self-forgiveness out loud and feel sorry for my ass of what I have become in real life just because for all my life I have been pursuing success of getting high on feeling, emotion, drugs, PC games, not being responsible for myself, all those thought fuck ups that I have made myself believe as a child as I'm someone special or more than others or better than others I like for the I don't know how many times reminded myself that it isn't good and that it is evil to have such thoughts and with no consideration toward others and in that I started crying again feeling bad, again giving into the feel of being worthless and nothing but abuser of my parents my family my friends my surroundings, I fucking have everything that one needs to survive and I constantly see myself as a victim towards others, like no matter how I want to help myself or even another it always fucking fails, always I get judgements towards myself or getting schooled like some people say `manpulator´ even my dad says that even my mother and than if I'm something more it is not good because I get judged as an egoist, selfish, spoiled, superior or more and if I play out the lesser guy I get like victimized, being less, worthlessness, still selfish, no matter what I fucking do for myself is not good. And if I say I'm equal to others yeah I'll keep on dreaming. All I know is that I have to forget everything I thought myself to be and just face that what I always have been afraid to be which is being a fool like I always was in my mind. The most repeated sentence in my mind before I met you guys was `shut the fuck up´ in my head saying it not to others but to myself always because I do know what kind of a fucking fairy tales I can come up with in my head and there was this one that I'm trying to forget because it had got to do with reality. I cried yelled and screamed at myself I'm sorry talking to myself because of all the shit I do towards myself, how I have no concern what others think of me, because I don't care what others think of me, because others are always smarter than me and me, me, me... There was this nervous breakdown I sort of experienced or at least made myself believe. I was told it was good make 4 count breathing exercise. Well the only thing that really helped me even though I was shit pissed at myself and shit scared of surroundings, the thing was that I just perceived everything as nature, nothing more, nothing less, it was a kicker for me to get real and instead I was so consumed by fear of making something so wrong that I just let go of my life I gave in, just lost interest to live nothing mattered to me anymore and than I stopped victimizing myself in my head stopped the fucking tears since self pity is bullshit on a cosmic scale, got real and in that I gave in again...
I made my way straight to the computer to see if net is back, went on FB checked stuff that was shared, than I went playing PC game...again, no questions raised no introspection towards honesty, just give in played like half an hour. I called my neighbor friend asked him if he has time, well he asked me if I wanted to play another game with him so I took the mouse went to his place and same situation happened. We had a smoke and this time I said no to the speed so I didn't took it. So at this moment me writing this is me sobering up from all of the crap that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and be.
I will make self-forgiveness statements and commitments to all of this in the posts to come