Day 816: Interpretations
Last week i spoke about this idea within myself how i should have all the physical things taken cared of responsibly, be my own man, and live in a way where i can provide for myself. The attached belief was, probably still is, that owning something physical, like land for instance one has that "right" to say this is mine, and thus no one will bother me and try to force me away from it. I mean it can still happen, it is just that the chance is significantly lower because system protects you. To put it plainly, if i were not to have anything physical that is "mine" i'd probably be grumpy that much more.
So what happened a few days later was just this reminding of myself about how i behave, mostly seeing all the negative, conflicting stuff that i create within my mind. I felt really mentally damaged. I couldn't create one good thing within me that i'd react towards with feelings. It was like losing any positive remark about anything. I couldn't see anything positive about anyone. At least for me, it was like heavy judgements and the real observation of what i became, and what the initial intent was are like worlds apart. I mean i know that there is not one being that i couldn't find something positive about them, but that day i just couldn't find anything. I was really grumpy. Which disproved my idea how having certain things would make me happy. I mean all the basic stuff was already sorted cause other people provided it for me. All i did was get myself things that i couldn't get before, and now that i gave myself that, it is not really that much of a difference. I mean the hype went away, and now i basically look for what to do with all that stuff. Intent is within me, it is just that wall of resistance, or limit that i have to decide where it is before i start creating big things out of little ones. I mean if i don't do it, all energy that i've spent on it would be kind of meaningless. And besides it is only a hobby, more like art, but with little logic involved. So yes even though i basically don't know how else i'd in a material way satisfy myself, meaning i got myself everything i wanted (mostly), i'd still not be happy about who i am, and what way of living i've decided to live for myself.
Another thing that contributed to my bad internal energetic state was a belief that there is no one that would be completely honest. Like i do care that we should be, but at least for me i know i've been holding some pieces of the puzzle back, from myself. Mostly it is cause of the fear that i caused myself with them in the past. After realising it, it was a really tough time to put myself mentally together again. I guess there is this positive thing about self forgiveness cause it lets one decide what it actually does. For me it was an intro to express stuff that i'd by my sober mind never do, but it did also bother me if this set of words makes me not worry about it anymore, while i'd still be continue doing what ever i would express self forgiveness towards, or is it more like admitting something bad, wrong, evil one may define as and then not doing it again. Lately i realised that this little tricky thing, of how i make myself believe in something is way deeper that i initially took for. What bothered me was that through common sense it was easy to see what can go through and what doesn't, it was just questioning that period of time when one decides to let something get to them, in a positive or negative way. I think i now get that this is the part that we call creation of conscience. Practically it looks like a sort of a decision within a mind to let something be worth more than some other things. For me it was having lots of Lego, and for someone else is for instance having lots of stamps, or artistic creations like statues or pictures. If i generalise that this same allowance creates our belief structures, that we kind of need to respect, and we can shape them any way we like, because even though mind is limited in some way, it is limitless in other ways, or so it seems. I mean what i believe is that one can't mind everything that reality has up her sleeve, but it can project a basic shape of how reality would have to be, to make that made up intent come true. I think no matter what one does there are always some collateral consequences, that take years to recoil back, and even then it is like hard to take notice of them, or even relate them to something we did in the past. Or at least i've found myself in such a position.
I went to court. I couldn't stabilise myself. Maybe i like me being a bit angry at how systemic things work. First thing i'd like to criticise is the invitation. It contained lots of if sentences and sentences that system would force upon me if i were not to do as i was told. So this "invitation" (it didn't look like so) really made me think how this thing would go down if i were to behave like them. First they would probably fine me, then i'd complain, then they would win and i'd still have to pay, then i'd not want to pay, then they would physically force me to. The way i'd imagine things would go down it would be them using force against me to have their "right" be done unto me. And this is where things would become really personal. Like don't people ever bother with a question that maybe once this life is over, there is like another life, an after life in which we get that opportunity to face those consequences that we want to deny ever making them. Like i've heard once that demons (in afterlife) looked far more committed in their intent than some angels that would just do good and rise up on hierarchical structure, hoping (i'm guessing) that what will happen is reach the top of the energetic food chain. I mean if people in real life did deeds (only once) that then echoed and caused like never ending revenge in the afterlife, cause i mean it is not only the intended part that plays the game. There are also not so controllable forces that make one react in a completely unaware state. Yes there are moments where "energy" can be expressed that is more acted out than really being there, but wouldn't then that beg the question that there are moments where "energy" is just expressed, not as a choice but as a natural consequence where one doesn't have to bother with ideas how intentionally one will feel happy, when we know that those moments of true happiness are usually something that one just comes across and it is not like some sort of a choice where i'd say, i'm happy and i'd honestly feel that way. I guess it is up to each individual what they decided what will turn them on. I think it is impossible to align this conscience how we warm up for things in every individual the same way. For myself i've just decided to be more open about it, and what would make one individual sick, i'd be fascinated by it. It is like fear. First you have it, then you confront it, then you don't have it anymore, but you still know that you have to responsibly be aware of parts that fear made you aware of the first time around. I mean there are limits where i too go my way and i don't care really about principles that i'd otherwise live by. It is like a matter of context what i'd do with my self. I know i've not done the best choices, but that is what testing is all about, you don't know unless you do your best, and then see how it turns out on you.
So what happened at court (i didn't want to test out the situation what would happen if i'd not go to court, i mean this people have guns to protect their beliefs, further more i think it is just that same thing as with me - they do a job they believe in, partially to survive, partially to make their dream come true) is that i made my hell a bit worse than the hell it was before. I acted the same way i'd do to anyone. I think i even objected, i also know that i lied because the story i told police officer one year ago didn't completely fit in to the story i told to court. But i mean i had same problem with this information, where a being J would talk about another being X how we'll find out about, and i'd find myself at a lack if i were not to think that this being X is perhaps me, and because i then thought each one had that same idea, and knowing that i didn't knew exactly how that was meant, like is there only one specific individual, or is there some sort of trick that everyone is actually meant by that, or maybe it was a hook that guys like me would then caught themselves on, etc. I mean what got to me was actually my own mind when i'd think about stuff and beings how they behave if a certain belief is present within them. Like i'd have really negative considerations about certain people, but on the other hand i knew i knew nothing about the thing, though i did wonder if one thing that reality has to offer, like allows to exist is better than another with regards to how we would like to experience ourselves, than there must be some top thing that just blows your mind away. Yes i was so low i had intentions of one day getting myself somewhere up. Weird thing was that i had all sorts to fears that this idea might actually be bad for me. Like i said i don't know exactly what i'm doing, but there is also that fact that some beings are more into getting somewhere in their life than others. In one aspect i did find it sick that i had such a mind set, but the thing is that reality eats you alive, no matter where or who you are, so why not try to get somewhere with this life. I mean this is especially important that it is so that all we ever did was just face actual consequences of our intents. Like things that are made up in the mind with a possibility to be realised create ripples, from a tunnel vision point of view i admit there is successful realisation of an intent, but if one looks a bit wider how that intent caused other things to change unpredictably, then the intent actually gets questioned if it was really good to wish for something to come true. I mean i kind of face such a stuck moment case, where i completely closed myself inside my little box, and don't care what i'm missing just because of following up on a few words that i was told of. On one hand it is frustrating because i know where i want to move, but in the past that proved a bit resisting, and some walls are better be left intact, I don't know if that is exactly so but i made a choice and i live it, so far successfully regarding the intent, but it mostly made me feel miserable, like i don't know if it is actual real success, or just missing out on what life can create. I don't know why i bother, only the future will let me see that when it comes to become now. But i mean, this is only my self interest i'm talking about. And from one perspective i saw it as a lie, simply because i had no proof what the hell was actually going on. On one side this attempt to become something out of nothing, and at the same time spite that idea cause i really do believe that i'm no more or less special than anyone else. It is just that we are a bit different because it is impossible to "program" ourselves the same way, and to abuse the knowledge that we want to feel good about ourselves and don't really want to suffer, it is damn hard to believe that it would ever go without such behaviour. I believe that no one really wants to suffer, i mean if i'd ever want to feel pain with a reason, it would be just to experience what that would feel like, or if i'd do something so bad i'd want me to be punished, like there was no other way that would level me back to stability. Its a tough truth, to know what may possibly be wrong and then intentionally do it just to test how things are really standing. And it is also weird that with doing that experiment it actually only compromises the initial intention even more, making it less likely to happen. I mean i don't know why this point is keep coming up. I'm aware that everything is against my beliefs, that is, if what is see is the truth. I don't even know why i'd have me having so much faith in another, but if i go the other way it would seem stupid to me to even start, or up keeping it.
I don't know why, but everything i do is somehow tainted with my own self interest, and i think that is why things most of the time don't go my way, but whatever does go with me i do take as it is. Like just because i imagined something in my mind, i'd then think it may actually be true, and at that point i'd see myself as being screwed if it wouldn't be, and on the opposite where i'd think something is not, and i'd see myself go down if i'd take it as it is. And the taint of my self interest part is always that "what is in it for me?" and to upgrade it, i used to be like that, do random good little things that would make others happy, just because i'd then be happy. Even think that some day this all will get back at me, and i don't know if it did so many times over, or under, but then again it is difficult to make things fair, especially if values are made up just like that. I know it is a touchy subject in all of its aspects, and i know that there is sort of a balancing act throughout history every now and then, but why the hell it just keeps repeating i don't know. I said to myself i'll leave my soul someplace regardless of what i do there, i'll do my best, it may mean that sometimes i'll stand and no one will be able to convince me out of my idea, if it will create conflict i don't care, i had so many of them by now it is normal that after some time passes, it is let go of the past, cause if i were to hold it dearly, no matter how dear it was, it would be me living in a memory and i don't want that for me. I've seen what one does to self when tough life moments get to them and it breaks them. There is no way to fix it but themselves. Its a real mental job. I've heard that some get broken to a state beyond repair, on a mental level. Some are not even aware of it, those that are, is a bit more unpleasant. Getting myself back to myself is like bringing self back to self, or putting myself together again. It is a common experience each individual gets to see at least couple of times in a lifetime. I mean i did have a picture for me of what i wanted me to be, i kind of admit it fits in to a certain degree, if not all. But still, what really gets to me is what happened for real. I know how i interpreted it. I know it may have been going on something completely different. I know that i may be hiding myself from something that i don't want to see, like that piece of information would make sense to why it is things go down this way, but i'll never know. Maybe preprogrammed life designs really do exist, on a much higher hierarchical energy chain level and there is no way to counter that. I don't even know if i'm a victim or the abuser. Similar thing happened with this guy that i supposedly said i bought weed from that i had to testify for or against, i don't even know who sued him. Probably the system. But the statement i gave to judge was that i didn't buy any weed from him. Then the judge told what has to be written down, and when i heard those words, i automatically interpreted them as if i were making a false statement. I don't know exactly what i told that police officer back then, but i do know that i tend to imagine a thing in my head and then run this option of it may possibly go down in the past, cause it is so real like some sort of memory, when i know that whatever i bring up in my mind is my own creation and because i didn't have any certain recollection of that actually happening i then rather denied it than to confirm it. I mean i saw B write how i'm not able to trust my mind or anything that i'd create within it, and i kind of used that excuse. I mean what if he never actually sold me anything, and i'd say as he did, and then i'd be in my unawareness only caused more suffering to another. Like how you even that out? Do they just swallow it and move on, or does it get back to you? I was really weird what kind of excuses i made up. I said i don't even remember what i spoke about yesterday, and then it all got to a point if i remember anything at all. And i asked her if she remembers what she talked about yesterday, and the judge was quiet. Also it was weird to me how my words were interpreted. I actually started to think she was not on my level, cause what i'd for instance say is that weed was smoked at this bar, and what she told to write down was that it was smoked in the bar, supposedly cause the property is considered as the whole thing inside and outside. Why i didn't like it, it is because when next person is gonna read it, one will automatically assume it was smoked inside, like all the time. And the jewel came when i was asked if the bar is still working. In that moment i wanted to say yes, but i was not there so i didn't really know and i said not. The other reason was that it was a fluke question so i automatically did the opposite what i think was expected of me to do. I may seem like a joke, and i know i may get financial fine as punishment, but before all of the rules that we made up with our minds, did nature did it intentionally to make weed so that we'd then hook up on something and then get punished for it. I think it is just more a responsible use of drugs problem, if that was used as an excuse to not be legal. But there is another way of looking at the situation. If we were to behave all nice and pro life and courts would still exist, like a profession, i think they would have to take some thing, make it illegal to then live off of it, cause i don't get where they get their salary from but from accused people that broke the law. So basically it in a way looks like bad things need to happen in order to then solve them, and suck the life out of one that did the bad thing. I'm just writing what i thought of may be going down. All i know that in the end when words didn't do the trick, physical action did. Ok, words are important too, if they weren't, we wouldn't use them. And considering my state this was the part where i blew myself up too much. Like the more i write the worse i do for myself, but i don't care, it would be useless to care. My mind was always so chaotic thing i just let it run whichever way it did. Ok sometimes it is really directed, because i felt the need to take control of it, but other times its just like, lets remember all the bad experiences and it is just so overwhelming it makes me angry at myself, and all i know i can do is to not play the game the same way. I mean even if i could, what i was thinking was that next time, if i'll get lucky with moments of opportunity i'll just do wrong again in another way. I too thought that maybe whatever i think it was wrong to do, it was actually right no matter how bad i then felt about it. Like i said there are times when i can manipulate with expression and there are times where the feeling completely drives me its own way. Its not that i want to be obsessed with control, it is just that i feel like i'm not responsible when everyone would tell me that i am.
Well then i guess i ain't responsible. Do you see this sentence as something who i am still, or just some specific moment that i was so. It still may get to me, and i don't really care what you think, but the way you'd decide how you look at such a sentence is the choice of how you'll interact with me, hypothetically speaking. This sort of thing i think ruined so many moments. I'd look at another as someone bad, when intent was to just share myself to see if they get to like me, i know i like them, i'd lie if i'd say i didn't feel something positive that i get from them, and even though it is just a feeling, and even though sometimes terrible things happen cause people get blinded by it, it is the only thing that i think makes purpose. This is only because it is limited. It comes and goes, and it takes whole lot of work to get it running. I mean if there was only pain as the feedback of what is pleasant and what not, it would still be a good enough reason to stop doing that which causes it. But no, nature gifted us with so much more. If you feel too normal and boring you can smoke a splif to then feel different and not that plain old boring stability, or have a glass of vine - rotten fruits for rotten people, as some call it. But there is responsibility to it, overdoing anything of it causes more harm than pleasure, despite it is its actual intent. Just like stability, i like myself to be serious and stable when it comes to doing some job, so even that boring old plain thing is useful. I personally thought that the point of life is to experience this plethora of feelings to see what actually influences the loss of so much desired control. The good and the bad, and i did get to experience both sides. It is just sometimes i started doubting that the way i feel is really good feedback, especially because we are able to get used to certain things and they don't harm us as much, and in a case if the feeling need to be let go of, it is even hard or not possible to do it because, and it is like it is all because of faith. Screw facts, cause i mean if each one of us to a certain extent programs one's own conscience and allows others to program it, something that might be considered fact today may prove a lie tomorrow, and then one is like obliged to describe the situation as having faith in something, even though in honesty one doesn't see way out of it. At least i don't, maybe others do, it is just me that is too annoying with what i experience.
So yeah i again hit that mental bottom where i thought absolute shit of myself, and i started saying self forgiveness again, like the mere intent of doing it to get myself out of that depressing state and then doing it made me a bit less of a weight on me. I don't know why it keeps coming back, or why i create this mental burden for me. Maybe it is cause i expect something out of myself, others do as well, and when i sum it up, its like this compilation of conflicting ideas, and i have to choose some to then realise. I mean what else is there to do besides that. And yes i did had a short era where i was just laying in bed thinking what to do so that it would be right. Pardon i was to scared to do anything. I got myself out of that idea and created a new one to live as long as it will take. So, i thought i'll never get myself out of that fear, but i eventually did. And if i proved i can somehow fix one type of feeling/emotion i can do it with any feeling/emotion. It just takes some time, cause it is still that pinch of it defining me. Maybe it is good, that way i'll never forget not to mess around too much even if it is just thinking or playing with words.