Ambrož's journey to life

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 14 Dec 2016, 15:42

DEC
14
Day 809: Busy mind
What i'm currently experiencing in my life is how certain part of my time available has to be spent in a specific way. That is just to ensure my survival, or to put it better if i were not use it that way things would have gone a bit worse for me. So what i'm left with is the part of time in which i can do what i can and desire. So i kind of feel that consequence of a realisation again that i don't exactly live up to my words, more what i say to myself in my mind i should be doing, and i instead "whine" in my head towards myself what a failure i am in contributing anything useful (i think i do contribute, but it is just useless) and how i don't have enough time to do all those pleasantries i wanna do. In fact i kind of started to live out my childhood fetishes. I once talked about this subject and how i stopped it with a stupid reason of having other more important things to do, but what really happened back then was that i was so sick of daydreaming of having this and that piece, and how i made myself happy just thinking about the illusion becoming real someday. Knowing that reality is just not that way, i'd rather not deal with the thing anymore slowly forget it until i was eventually stop being bothered by it. When i stopped playing with Lego cubes i started playing pc games. It was just another illusion that i found interesting. So desires morphed, of whatever it was what i was doing, but in the end it all served my soul so that i'd for instance feel happy.

Speaking of letting go of things. I realised that despite being told what to do, how to act, what to say to another or not say anything at all, i mostly failed in meeting whatever it was that another would require or want me to do. Did i forget to say that it was only within interest of another? So while i was torturing myself of not knowing how to be good enough to make my dream come true, or even blame others how the hell they manage to be so attractive and at the same time behave in such a way where my reactions towards them make me sick. It is like the only way of dealing with such moments is simply by changing subject and not touch the thing that i'd react towards in a most unlikable way. Thing is that knowing my interest and then hitting conflict when seeing interest of another, leaves me with two options, one is me getting a certain way, usually meaning me becoming what another wants so that another wouldn't have any more reason to bitch about the situation, or me trying to "force" another to become more aligned to my interests. Magically, what turned out was hideously complicated thing that i try to understand to this day. It is interesting how i play with Lego and at the same time try to untangle this whole thing of how beings really function together with predisposed interests and ideas of what is being pursued and on the other hand how manifesting that mix up usually develops some mutated results. I mean if i look at how the thing at beginning stood and how it is standing now, I'm not sure if everything is falling apart or are these those "glory" day some have been waiting for to happen. This is just one small part, and if i take a look at the rest, with reading the news, the usual tends to happen over and over again. So in a way nothing has really changed.

Sure you can patronise me of only thinking and doing nothing. I am only defending my case of me wanting to help too and figure out some solution for making this world a bit close to haven than hell. And while i try to upgrade my saviour personality, i too am thinking still too much about my personal life and getting a partner. Considering the past and how i thought things are standing and, considering the now and how things are standing i only hope i got it right this time, because i know that in the past what i thought was happening didn't really happen and what i think that is happening now is not really happening so, i try not to think how wrong i am no matter which way i take (yes it does feel like hell in the head). I mean there i was wanting to make things good for myself, that was like 8 - 9 years back and now surely i got somewhere but i don't know how i am still capable for screwing my experience of myself for me. The only consequence i was really pursuing was getting someone to stick with me, and now while i fail to do this for myself, i instead of mentally harming myself even more try to find the right coin-flip where i start to look at the pros of the situation, meaning if i'd have a girlfriend i'd loose even more time taking care of a relationship and have even less time for my own interests that don't necessarily include a partner. Ok maybe with a right partner interest would go along, but i'm not really sure, i mean i only imagine how things might work, it doesn't mean they would.

I admit i see myself like some calculative person, like too much thinking and speaking and not enough action. Like i'd want to make sure that i think and speak right but not have the guts of facing the consequence of real action. As if tasting it for real would mean facing the real picture and because of not having confidence in what i think or speak is right, like for instance thinking that a certain girl is really nuts about me and then when an opportunity would come where i'll be able to express that love i'd for instance kiss her and she would go in this rage towards me of how i dare doing this, instead of embracing me as i'd liked to be. I mean this is just one of the daydreams i have, where being scared of facing the real is too much and i'd rather stay in my illusion than having to bear the consequence of checking how things stand.

Another is thinking how this emotion and feeling energy really functions. And the latest vision of it is that it functions perfectly. The only problem actually really is logic. I don't see why there is any need for suffering, it is simply not logical, yet it is seen like some kind of currency, as if the more one suffers the more they get "excused" from being blamed for suffering of others. As if there are not enough random accidents already, not due to intent, but due to some people simply not knowing what they are doing. I have this same problem. The other day my master at work commented on me who i really am. He said that i'm smart as hell, but i don't exactly know what i am doing. I really laughed, i also felt better due to idea that i don't really know how to address some issues, like it is natural that making things that i don't know how to deal with will not go the right way. Like this was the whole problem with me, despite being told there there is no problem with me. If i'd have the experience of a picture and be really confident in it, i'd have no problem expressing what i think is right. But the truth is that i've experienced so many false interpretations within me, i just instead of developing a trust in standing of some things (people) i developed more of a doubt in my own judgement. I still do things right, don't get me wrong, it is just people that then I tend to complicate things with. It has more to do with my reactions towards them. As if i haven't done enough self forgiveness, or maybe i've not done it right enough, or maybe i did forgive myself successfully, i just failed to completely ignore things that would better be left ignored. I developed a new theory for myself. I read some guys post in the past that explained how a person observing or reading how a hill climb went had same inner experience within them as if they were the one doing the climb. My theory is that this energetic emotional - feeling system is basically only a reaction towards some experience as if it was real and and if it is real. Meaning that one can believe a lie as a truth and having the same inner feedback as if it was the actual truth. Though there is interesting sensation when someone faces the truth, especially if it is the way that someone desired it to be or the opposite, where that someone actually doesn't really believe it is so. For instance i faced a really weird moment where a certain individual that invested a lot of time in convincing me, supporting me, pushing those buttons to change myself somehow contributed to a picture within me about them, that i on one hand really liked, and on the other i don't know why i had such a negative reaction towards them. Like was it only because i was not being able to speak alone with them, like they would invite me to a conversation, and if i were to contact them it only made matters worse. I think it is a really two fold problem on one hand there is me trying to get somewhere i have no business being and on the other i find it weird that someone would spent so much interest in dragging (attracting) me and once i'd finally be "close enough" i'd no longer be interesting, and once i'd fall back a bit i'd again be dragged in with all the methods. It is really only a matter of time before i'll have enough of it and simply throw away all the potentials, and this time it won't be a not be, it will be a never be. I mean surely i see i am patient if the thing will flip on one side or the other.

So knowing that there is no way of getting rid of this "sensation" for more, and emotional and feeling reactions are still pretty well playing out. Self forgiveness suddenly feels pointless again, like in the past i really believed in it, meaning it would save me from what i was internally torturing myself with, yet it more had to do with just that potential that there are some inherently evil beings that want to make others suffer, like there being a true evil intent, and then the "search" for that made me think only more evil of myself. And so coming down to a conclusion if there is no evil but the one that i make, cause that is the only one i can be certain of (hopefully) there also no point in thinking there is someone out there, be it a Alien or a Reptilien or a Atlanthean or God knows what that is evil and is messing things up for me intentionally. Like the position i am currently in is pretty good, despite having some mental issues regarding unfulfilled love, almost seeing myself as a love addict, no matter even if it is not true, like there is no fact backing it, and the love problem is pretty much like a constant in society i think so how the hell would i think that someone is like intentionally creating problems for me. Ok yes i'm a bit sick and my hands hurt, but as soon as i get back to work they warm up and don't hurt so much anymore.

So another logical thing i don't get is how these sensations i feel in my inner reality become either a burden or a best support to face. Considering that believing a lie as a truth has the same effect as the truth. And considering all relationships between people kind of work that way in the background, where i know some individuals that i'd tell them the truth and wouldn't want to believe it, and if i'd lie to them intently i'd always have that issue of only screwing my life up even more. But then what is bad thing for one person, may not be so bad for another. Maybe it is just about dosage of things we create. Anyway on one hand it is really hard to control inner energies. Come to think of it self forgiveness is the best at redirecting focus from energy to substance. Yet there is that flip side if one gets too (substantial) there is only that feeling left that would give some sort of a "guidance" though knowing it is not completely reliable and then if all that is left to be "relied" upon is logic and considering that for a complete logical analysis (at least for me) my mind has to literally blow up in order to come up with the right solution thus there is simply not enough time to think things through thereby to perfection. I am supporter making things good enough, yes even perfect, but it does annoy me if i get lost in it, also if i see others becoming too obsessed with right or wrong.

I also don't get how easy it really is to let someone go, i was literally thinking breaking some agreement with B, and the only thing that prevented me from making that decision is the past and making someone really angry that i've not seen angry yet. It is like those that control anger really really good, meaning never showing it, i really don't know if they are afraid to show it or just holding it back really good, like maybe they did the right self forgiveness to release themselves from it. Or their moment is still up. But that is the real beauty of it. If you go read history books you'll learn that throughout time people were praying out certain words to make themselves feel good or stable or something... and if you look at self forgiveness which purpose is exactly the same - to fix inner energetic turmoils. Within all of this i had my own convictions where if i would hit an energy wall i'd also try to within my mind create words through which i'd set myself back on track, and if i didn't have an exact track i'd at least not feel whatever it was bothering me. I got so used to being alone, don't take it personally people but some of you treated me worse than shit, and yes the obvious has everything to do with it, and it is the very same problem that i try to fix myself, because i also intentionally did it to some individuals and within one particular case i just decided to try and fix it, but the problem is that that little wound i'd cause, no matter how little it would be it would stay there, like forever.

There is also another topic regarding self forgiveness. I was told that how self forgiveness really started off. There was B and some other being B was talking to and that being did a really selfish thing as if they were completely pure told B that they should forgive themselves for all the atrocities they (whole world of people) commit. Cause that was one of those aspects that i looked at when i first saw self forgiveness process. I don't know why people started it and then stopped it, but i know why i did (trying to fulfil my self interest: getting a relationship, having a extraordinary life, trying to mix a machine and life together etc). Maybe machine is also life in some respect, i mean if all things are made out of life then machines are too no matter how not alive they really look. Like despite the whole purpose of having a machine to manipulate it without any drawbacks, because if you tell a man to self forgive something there is a chance they would resist, but if you tell that to a machine, it first has to be made that way and then when machine eventually does what the "engineer" tells it to do, there is no real purpose to it. I mean if a machine self forgives it is beyond pointless, if that is the case i'll download the beer can app on mobile and shake it all day long just to see it spurt and foam. As if the only proof of life is the ability to decide to say no or yes to something. But i do see a point in forgiving oneself for making a hasty choice and then creating a bad consequence which one has no other choice but to feel bad in it. On one hand it is a proof one is alive, because life just moves and some of those moves are good for one kind of life while being bad for another, it may also be good for all, even bad for all, it depends on a move, not like a chessboard, it is far more complicated. Another aspect it is that internal torture we commit on ourselves, if force stopped while it being required to go through may cause some long term consequences when they happen again to be fully payed off on an energetic level. Like there is some sort of fairness mechanism in the background that evenly distributes feelings so that all of us get a nice hefty jolt of them. Then again this one world we live in can be regarded the same and is more or less only substance and energy no matter how insignificant it is told to be it really is so compared. But then i had a theory that with these jolts that we give to each other simply by speaking is actually the more significant part (it is not the only one) that contributes to what choice one makes.

What is really interesting to me is how i used to in the past play with Lego and would think up theories how things go and don't go together. I basically have same experience as i play with them now. That is i didn't complete my process successfully if the whole purpose of it was to stop the mind. If anything i find myself more and more in it throughout the day. There are some really cool points i came up with and i forgot. But main one is that if i weren't so scared of pissing off this certain being, because i really don't know what is it she wants besides helping others, i'd be way on my way pursuing some other goals, but then i still kind of pursue them right now, despite being stuck in this position i don't know how to fix. On one hand i wanna just yell out all the things that are so fucking wrong i don't know where to begin, on the other i am freaked out by myself of how did i get this way. So yes it is exactly what Anu said will happen. Like the whole thing about how energy moves is known and based on that there is a prediction. Why i bother i don't know, trying to change something mathematically predictable. But then it is not that i have something against hidden agendas. I wish them well in going through, even if i am the one suffering the consequences of them in the end. I don't get why some other people bother dismantling them if the whole purpose is to keep them hidden. It is not like anything will change any times soon. I mean we still live out exact same way of behaviour our forefathers did. Or maybe there are some changes, but considering what all has been tried to prevent from happening and it still happened with some additional consequences, it is pretty much done for but in a way that is really not predictable. I mean considering all the predictions that went down and all that didn't (they may still might) is there really any point in making predictions at all? Like I've heard people with absolute certainty announce things that will happen in a next month. Then that next month extended into a year. Now i heard another weird prediction that will happen in next 80 or so years. This means that people that are born right now have a pretty bad chance of getting to experience the even and further more what some years ago really pissed me off about in certain individual is how it was said that a certain being will come that will fix this world up like a leader of some sorts. Maybe i just understood it wrong, but if that "The One" is each individual being i have no problem with it, for if it is only one being like a single human being walking on the surface of the earth or swimming someplace, then it is like me saying that in the next 5 years everyone would have money, will work by their own will, everything will be sorted out, conflicts will be minimum, there won't be any wars, etc all positive, rich will share with the poor... and then i'll just sit back and enjoy, wait for things to happen that way, because if they won't in 5 years maybe they will in 10 or 20, but the main problem is what then to do with all those things that are of purpose now, but won't be of purpose in such a blessed time. Where will all those that want to help go? There will be no one to help. Hell i think now i know why someone that has that desire to help others may be pushed away. I mean if i'd try and go help some high official they would look like incompetent in doing their job. I guess my relationships are so crewed just because of that, i wanted to help someone else that wanted to help some other else, and naturally conflict is only a step away. From one perspective it can be seen that those that want to be helpful really just need help from others, but because that is sticking nose into someone else's business discrete measures go down the line and bam, we can word fight all day, for eternity in fact. Just loosing energy on pointless things while i'm having my writing diarrhoea i want to point out all the good wishes for an already decided next round of having a portal on earth and even though i was told that the next time it will be a bit more intense, i really doubt it would change anything. I mean i can make up new excuses how portal is nothing more than a point of proof that no matter how firm the hand of the elite is, it can easily be made seem worthless to rely upon. Cause that is the whole point. Create so much lies and confusion not one being would be completely sure in another (like it was ever different) and that state of not being sure in one single thing the only thing one could be sure on is, if this what i think things are standing as are real or true, despite having any kind of fact for the future as in a way it will go down, if i were in their place would i do this to myself whatever it is that i want to do to another as if another would be me contemplating the very same idea? I mean one can go for it and not, and the best thing of it is that due to the confusion not one or the other thing may necessarily bring good results. I personally choose the "i don't care" path though i do admit that there are actions that i do care about, oh pardon me, there are also reactions that i care about. But the most important thing is that some activities require coherent team of players that play together. There is some sort of untold rule about this one, and that is that one needs to play along in order to deliver final product. Many times this means giving up on personal interests because pursuing them only get in the way. The entertainment despite being the only purposeful thing to work and give up freedom for can still be seen as a distraction, considering that there is competition for survival going on, and eventually some of us get eaten by the current and others contribute to making it even more forceful.

I am still dealing with the past and how i got over all of the possibilities of what might be going down. Like in the start i thought that the whole Desteni movement is some sort of a hoax, not real, made up, just people reading books and then sharing info through a person as one point of interest for all of those that were eager to hear more. Then i had my own story that i thought was truth like being connected with the whole thing like some sort of a coming back together thing, i really thought that maybe going away from it is a mistake, though i did just that to test out if i am right, and i think i was, though was done was done, and that is that. Only thing i hope is that if i ever get back into close contact with that particular being i won't be overwhelmed with all the reactions towards my unsorted backchat of what is really going on. I mean i may look like a stable person through words, but in reality some information just doesn't add up within me. Like for instance how the hell was i so delusional to think that i had a part in making this thing real like long time ago. And at the same time think like i'm thrown into this game that is being played where i'll only loose because the winner is already decided forever more. This is the main reason because at the moment of expecting yourself as a winner, it influences behaviour to a point compromise and if you are just a bit of a good soul, meaning not wanting others to loose, and knowing that there is no sharing of the spoil, you'd rather not have it than to be happy with it, because there would supposedly still be those that suffer and relationship goals are not even an idea yet. I guess that is why i at some point showed this being i don't want to have contact with, simply because of thinking i am not the one, and the eternal one that was some hidden else was still suppose to be found. Which brings me back to point of a story where i was told about "Lets see who that one is" i mean that third person right there even if he or she exists, how the hell will she or he be able to "control the crowd" if the person telling the story is not even believed in. I don't get how people expect for a leader to take this world by the hand into making it look like haven, if people themselves have so much shit onto themselves to deal with (or is it only me) while wanting to sort out other people (or is it only me)?

Once a certain individual spoke in my name without even asking me if i am up for it. Normally i went for what "i" promised to do, but i had such a grudge with that person ever since then there is rarely any normal conversation with them, especially if i see them talk about obvious points, like i do get a normal chat with them but i literally have to decide to make it so, cause otherwise it is just cheap talk to me.

Another thing i found in blame was this idea that i got pushed by another into reaction to do bad stuff, just to then have a point of wrong within me that needed fixing, and alas there is help available. I mean i know i wasn't exactly a bright light when it comes to the looks of my soul, like i did some bad stuff, within intent and then when being pushed to a point to bring out the "beast" in me out, and within that do something stupid, it is so convenient to offer help that was in the previous round refused. It is kind of like what all the great empires did. Force someone to do a bad thing and then school them for it. From now on I'll just rather help myself, than to rely on someone else that only resides in my imagination. Than again i saw myself doing that to the very same point i thought was being done to me. Interesting how loyalty is so deep in the personal even though it shouldn't be. I don't get how the hell we will fix the situation, or at least someone else than me, cause i too might just one day run away again, or on the other hand would be willing to be a part of something that just doesn't want to have me as being part of. I mean i try to change myself to fit in but that just ain't me. I don't care if i'm pissed on someone, or if they are no me. I only care that the job gets done so that i won't have to listen anymore how this world is fucked up. I mean some people are so diligent when it comes to what is good and bad, but when you have to pick up the shit from the ground, then they start to caught. I personally know a certain lady that is really fat, yet all the time she schools me how to eat properly and healthy. I don't get how that is possible. Imagine me preaching you that smoking weed is bad for you, only to steal your splif and then breathe it myself. I mean i eat too, and a lot, but that a lot only happens here and there. What i personally do for my health is along side the fitness i'm being payed to do, is simply starve myself here and there and that help me keep my weight down. Simple and effective. I mean it is logical to think if this is how much I've eaten that made me fat because i wanted to enjoy food, then this much is how i must suffer and be hungry and not taste the food even though it seems so fulfilling, man it is like being horny and not giving yourself the pleasure to have sex or masturbate if you are unlucky enough to be alone. Though being without a partner has its perks.

Another thing that i couldn't shake out of my head was the rumour of there being technology out there that can print substance on atomic level. Now before next week comes around and i get to hear how they construct atoms on subatomic level i just want to share how i thought that through sound mastery one could break apart substances and then with sound carry those parts on a sound wave to a desired location and put them together with required energy. I imagine some steps should be done simultaneously, like a boy and a girl coming together kissing each other, but i wish you good luck with that on a substance level. Like this would be my greatest achievement yet, to get a girl that i'd actually like enough and the other way around i suppose.

The main problem in my relationship thing is actually just a hurt away. I could free myself easily, but i don't know why i believe that if i do that i'll hurt a specific being. I mean surely she portrayed many different pictures, and while not believing many of them, maybe that is why i had so many reactions towards her of a negative nature that i couldn't stop, or maybe i just made shit up and believe it too much. But i do know that i was lied to, because then things would make sense, and they don't. Maybe i was lying to myself because of wanting to be someone that i am really not. Point is that i could take that step that would supposedly "free" me but it would also break an agreement and god knows what else would come down on me, but the one that would be most disappointing for me would be how i'd make another being react. Like i can imagine that when i write more and more, more and more people loose faith in me, but that would be like "capo di banda" if i were simply to start to look for a relationship.

Honestly, i knew my life was a mental catastrophe, but i can assure you that having money is in no way fulfilling as i thought it would be. Sure i need it to survive, but when it comes to my ideals and living up to them, i sometimes think I'd do much better without them and simply release those stupid limits that i thought were noble and would feel like a traitor to myself each time i'd for instance break them. Now it is pretty much the same, at least i have some money. I am tired of doing self forgiveness. It maybe does help, it is just me that then recreates the same desire and there i go suffering again. I don't know what the purpose of that individual is. I know that first time around I wanted to behave like they did, draw them in with my "magical attraction" then just disappear and let them use the tools to have fun with clearing their consciousness. It was also a test for me yet, i didn't do as much self forgiveness and that is why i had the burden of guilt, like feeling bad because of ignoring, and it certainly wasn't blissful. It is really interesting how these mind constructs instead of going away only upgrade and corrupt me, like the latest downgrade from a moral perspective was that some beings actually like getting emotionally hurt so that they then abuse that unpleasant sensation as a cause for being the victim. I don't know exactly how this manifested in my head but i decided to not anymore give them the pleasure. And while latest development of some other beings backchat was that the whole portal (Desteni) thing is some evil driven operation from the side of Reptilians that Supposedly exist (I haven't seen one man that would fit the description that was described on internet (keep in mind 99% of internet data can be regarded as lies or at least some sort of a joke)). I salute to that and i stand with them even if i don't really know if i should go away or not, i mean i don't know if i'm really liked there, cause of reasons, and i also think that i am really liked there cause of reasons. Anyway me being confusing as i am (always) i try to keep a low profile, it is more of a personal thing than any real deal. I mean have a look at it this way. If all those theories about Illuminati and heavy evil conspiracy that was superimposed on beings that walk the land are true, the way i talked about them is really bad for my reputation, like i still believe that some day all of the bad will get back at me, or at least hope so that my punishment is already in progress because i wanna get that burden out of myself, and from another perspective because i don't have any kind of substantial factual proof other than my stupid story of having that hot-cold energy experience on my forehead that none of the conspiracy theories are real, then i'd really not like facing some psychologist because then i'll have to explain the whole shitty story again. And i doubt that i'd be willing to do that. Ok maybe my blog can save me from that but, i doubt any psychologist would be willing to read all the things that went on in my head. I mean just consider the fact that we all think constantly, some are more aware of this than others. Some know that certain thinking is bad while others want to dig even deeper into the initially bad start. I wish it may produce a good end, though when it will get to the point of picking up shit from the floor all that thinking may accumulate to nothing at all.

I just hope that besides the things that are expected of me, there aren't some of them such that i'd not know about. I mean what else could there be to ponder about but to constantly think what others are thinking about. Like if evil intentions, how do i prevent them, if good intentions how do i support them. Mission impossible part infinity...

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 21 Dec 2016, 21:05

DEC
21
Day 810: Mind zombie
I don't know what the purpose of mind is, if the point of it is to get rid of it. I used to think that the mind itself is not really the problem, and that individual who thinks with it is. No individual per say, it is more like in the moment of mind activity some of it may not be right, at least not all the time. Like it is normal to not know things when one for the first time gets to know them, i mean each time i get to know something new i get excited, or start to feel nervous or something negative, it depends on the information and my relation to it. So when i was little i was more thinking in the way of if i have to think, or at least not know how to stop, maybe i should just try to think it right. It wasn't always right, and still isn't but it was and is obvious that thinking the right way brings about much less pain, mental or physical, and that i mean that thinking is only the first step, cause then we still have to word it and then eventually do it. I guess that is why i still kind of believe that words in themselves are to an extent limiting, meaning they can't reveal everything. I guess that is why my initial reaction towards SF was "this is a joke" though as time passed by i got inclined to one and the other extreme, meaning i started to believe in it and completely lost faith in the process of SF. The other day i heard that new way of doing it is way shorter than what i used to do, cause i really didn't know if i have to forgive every little thing specifically, or just one word and it would cover all those specific moments that the word for describing them would come up. Frankly i still don't know, it is just that when i was asking questions for help i was a bit less interesting for it and it kind of didn't arrive the way i expected it to (I either wasn't relevant enough, or there was some sort of resentment, but that ain't true either because i don't know why would then i be put up with all me being me, so maybe it was a program or something that i didn't quite know, but wither way i heard this new gossip, and i tested it and it seemed to do a bit of a trick for me. Like the more is less and the less is more, so the simpler the self forgiveness statement is the more effect it has. And the more complicated it is the less effect it has, and i again don't know if that is because it relates to some imagining of how things might have been, or are in specificity and nothing else, or because of too complex structure and it kind of lose its meaning.

Si it is interesting because i was really pissed on myself today, because i really fucked up in my expression with some individual that is more or less close to me, i mean i had my problems with him just as he with me, but yesterday i just exploded and then on account of some tiny conflict of expectations i managed to say some bad words without me being aware they heard my rant and rave, and normally today the things still drags within them... While i was at work, i has some moments completely for me, and i said: I forgive myself for being angry. I don't know if anger was within me, but whatever it was it seemed to disappear. No lie. I started self forgiving all sort of emotions that i'd think it was in and things sort of stopped bothering me. At least i'd stop thinking of them. Or maybe i just developed lying to myself to such an extent where it actually does the trick and relieves me from my "in the moment of thinking about it" burdens. Either way what i was facing for the first time was a realisation of bringing it all together and that in the moment when we feel something, either hate or happiness we can "adjust" the future "program" of how we used to behave or deal with reality into an new different way of dealing with it. I mean it is not like there is only one right or the best way when dealing with options, it is just that the inner energy that we feel be it worry or excitement has that defining property of how future will play out, and i think (i at least imagined it going that way) the way of future predictions through reactions was most "accurate" i mean it is not completely, but more or less things play out that way. I mean it is normal for people to expect something out of others, depending on how individual creating the expectations would react if it would come it that. I can't guarantee it is so, but i used to think, or still pretty much, that it works that way. Though i am in the background always reminding myself that i only imagined it, and that i in fact don't have any kind of idea what will go down. I mean we are different in many ways despite being the same in many ways.

I had a pretty bad reaction towards my precious post. Like at the time of writing it was all just my mind spamming thoughts on paper, pretty mixed up too, but the next day i was thinking back what i wrote and i had pretty bad opinion about my behaviour again, at least how i write. I still see myself as an evil person, mostly because i'd in the past think that i have to be good enough for this individual to talk to me, and now i kind of already see my doom how that won't happen and it is getting pretty tiresome for me to deal with all the "what could it be" that it doesn't happen on a private level. Basically the only reason i am still so pushy is because i want to be, i mean if someone pushes me into some direction, why wouldn't i have the same right. But the point is imagination and how i know i have and still am bothering myself with it. I could honestly say that i'd do myself more harm with it than anything good, but there was also a commercial on TV that said that we don't get anywhere without it. I personally feel like a complete fail when it comes to process and "self perfection". I imagined how i'll drag more and more people to join Desteni, and in the process of hopefully getting that done i got a little more courageous, with my "trying to push" to see how far i can go with words before everything turns into hell-zone, and i knew i had so many doubts about the whole thing, like maybe i wasn't on the same frequency of understanding of what was going it, but as time passed i actually managed to do the opposite and now instead of making that advertisement of reeling in more people, i actually did the opposite. But i did prove a point that no matter what the thing is, those hung on it will hang on it. So even if it is something newly created it would seem to have worth despite before even existing it would have none at all, and it kind of seems weird that timeless things such as feeling energy within us (energy meaning feelings and emotions) have that capacity to have initial value and then through time they loose it with relation to that specific moment and reaction to it, but no matter how many times we get through such experiences, this world (reality) has the capacity to meet us with more and more of such experiences. I personally thought that forgiving myself for anger would make anger nonexistent for me to go through, or fear for instance. And each time i'd experience anger or fear again, i'd think think i'm failing process because forgiving oneself for something means that it makes you no longer feel that which was forgiven again, i mean some other people said it like so, and then when i'd relate my state with what was being shared through the portal and seeing it is not so, or not so easy at all, i'd be scared (lol) because of not wanting to ruin someone else's idea that they believed in, especially in my case because i was really into this individual and i had that idea that if i'd say anything that would challenge their beliefs it would ruin my chance to be with them, I mean i wanted to be. Now it is a bit different, I kind of wait and see what life will hit me with this time. But i did realise that just because i fail to copy paste something it doesn't mean i won't be able to fin in somewhere. I was like really scared that i'll loose my fiends because my reactions towards Desteni were at the start a bit mixed up like really really good and really really bad, (I had specific memories within me, and I don't know if they are just made up or are actually something meaningful that i have yet to understand), and because i had those negative reactions towards the whole thing, i thought that other people would also have them and i that would participate would then loose those those friends. But that didn't happen, surely some people i know they know my participation in the "cult" don't wanna talk about it, but i mean all i ever did for the whole "Sunday school" thing was just type, ok i had few chats, but mostly it was just sharing information and nothing related with "esoteric". I've never experienced that, I personally think that some people have "access" to see the things normal people don't, but i mean the "normal" reality part is already crowded with events, and in my case it would only blow my mind if i'd have to bother with that much more stimuli.

Another thing that i came across thinking about was that wish to just give up and stop writing, and i think that it wouldn't be good for me. I mean what i think is that this thing really suck lots of time and life out of me, but on the other hand survival does the same thing, and that if i would do that i'd basically say my chances completely good bye, if there are any...

That is the point of my self change, i mean i think that if i change myself i'll be able to be that perfect me some people would like, because what is the point of self change but to fit in more. Honestly speaking i always wanted to fit in, it is just that in a world where some want more of it, others simply don't have a choice but to fight back or let them have their big piece of pie. I am not against rich people here, it is just plain to see that the money we use to describe who is rich and who is not behaves like an entropy and that kind of kills the life in those. In fact it think money is the only real thing that is able to simulate entropy in real life. It is only system that creates something out of nothing and i have a theory that maybe these world of the living and world of the dead have the same problem like if there is another system that i don't know about then maybe from there energy gets transported from one side to the other, but all in all that "unknown" system is still part of the whole existence, be it dead or alive or some other supposedly third thing.

But still, despite all what might be happening the dealing with self is still most problematic thing for me. Like i can't stop thinking. I do breathe quite frequently and i don't know if i'll ever stop reminding myself of that. Like no matter how much i'll miss of my mind in that moment, like i could figure out something for myself instead of breathing and not being in it, then again i hardly had any good practical ideas that i'd be able to pull through for myself, like something tangible. I know that top shots told how their mind basically failed them at some point, like how good it is to let go of the mind and doing that may bring less painful results. I'm still bothered more or less with how to keep myself silent cause no matter what i'd still run into moments that forced me to think, because i know that if i wouldn't it would only be worse then me thinking something wrong. Come to think of it thinking it is even less than saying it. In this world more or less only matters what you do. I mean I think all sorts of bad stuff about some people, like on regular basis, but despite having some positive thoughts about them i'd never let that negativity or positivity influence the moment with them, i mean i does if i let it, ok sometimes i loose control, but isn't this what the whole Desteni process is all about to stop mind or self or whatever and change with respect to those moments of generating that backchat that "compromises" (like we know what will compromise us or not), maybe it is better to screw up some situations in order to fix them. I guess that is why words only means so little to me, despite knowing that others that i'd be dependant on would be absolutely defined by them. Like I've heard so many lies from myself and others about what future it is gonna be like, meaning created and worked towards, i think doing my self forgiveness was completely warped in good faith in maybe it will help, like hoping it would help, while knowing that true story about words and their special place in the process of making something real, really real. So when i was for instance told how i get "seen" through my words, all i could do is imagine how they imagine me. Surely i believe that individual didn't know the whole picture if such was really the case, but i did wonder if i would inquire, would that brighten up my day or not. Basically i was too scared to ask because of possibly not so positive explanation.

What I don't get is the approach, how we supposedly clean ourselves from all those negative reactions and then when it comes to be that, it just doesn't happen. It is really strange to see people promote something and then not live it. I mean surely some people need a bit of a negative push to move somewhere, but what happens with those that constantly undergo such a living, isn't that like step backwards from the perspective of getting somewhere new, where the end hasn't been discovered yet? I personally think it is a new really crazy way of dealing with what it is that is gonna go down, but i think despite the lie, it does make it attractive for me, cause nothing can be predicted out of this chaotic outcome, because it is anything else but programming, i know it is a paradox because it looks exactly as becoming this zombie that follows a group of other zombies, and all the rest dis them on sight, are afraid of them or think they are crazy, but in the long run, if there is no one else but only such zombies existing, maybe then we will stop all this behind the scenes stuff and get to live for real for once, cause i mean the obvious way just doesn't work anymore, i mean it does but it has a time limit on it.

God forbid that anyone would have to change to fit me, i'll try to change me to fit everyone else. It is kind of hard. Best to breathe and just ignore whatever it is i say to myself in the secret of my mind. I don't care if the dead see it or not, or if the portal lets it out or not, the living matter and what i think is not heard by them, or maybe it is, but if that is so, at least i don't know who that is. I mean imagine a world where there is no thinking... right, you can't, nor would they be able to in such a world if it exists. If the story of people not thinking is true, like they literally only breathe all the time, then i am way behind in process. Oh, i've just said it like there is a way in front of it too. Is there like a progress to it or is just me thinking that nothing really develops, but just same old stuff getting digested over and over again, with expectations something marvellous is gonna get tasted? I personally haven't figured out nothing new for me, just living out all of those things i dreamt about as a kid, and i wasn't able to, because of monetary reasons, ok maybe i was way more afraid of my influence on others with words, but lately i still get into that worry character, despite knowing it is like ever the same. First i get scared then a day passes and i forget about the problem. I just don't get how some things that like infused into us to happen a certain way, are then tried to get changed with force and god knows what procedures, when the next generation will only face the same problem again. I mean it is like nothing else but information that gives us that capacity to do some random tryouts...to see what happens. Wouldn't it be nice if i'd be able to say hocus pocus and i'd be happy. I mean we have jokes for that, but what i'd usually use as a calmer out of a joke experience is that every joke is funny until it is on my account. That would for instance sober me if i'd laugh at another for believing me some lie that is really funny if someone would believe in. I guess that is why i'd be so destructive, pardon self destructive, if someone would fool me into something, i'd then deliberately push into making that point a reality, even if it would be impossible, or at least it would seem so. It is kind of a dreaded feeling thinking that it won't get through, like all the time i'd be trying to make something happen that won't happen, like right now even.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 30 Dec 2016, 19:37

DEC
30
Day 811: Sorting the unsortable
I've had different ides about holidays during new year. One was getting presents or things that i'd want to have, and i made myself believe they would make me happy. This year it actually came to that where i bought myself such things that i reacted with excitement towards. I mean i knew that the feeling is gonna drop, but at least i've proven to myself that i can get the things i want and at that, something i can actually hold in my hand. One other way ob behaving came out to show itself, and that is my recklessness with money. I'm quite easygoing with having no money and i have no problem spending it all on no matter how useless things. It is like i'll manage to survive if i have none, i'll find it somewhere meanwhile. After all, all my life was like that, so i've really been thinking if i should try being a philanthropist and see how "rich" i can get with it.

Another idea about vacations was always connected with relationships. I didn't get myself, I still don't actually how i manage to live my life like this. Like it is normal for people to couple, but not me. I know some other individuals that are the same, but when it came to me, I either had an excuse to not have a partner or i'd long for it. I kind of blew it at all my chances that i got till now (if they were chances). It is demoralising for me to wish for a partner and either i don't find someone that i'd like or if i do, that person is usually in a practical position where partnership wouldn't work or they wouldn't like me, or they would like me but i'd not like them. My last adventure to get a relationship was really weird. I don't know how to say it, it made me loose faith in people a little bit more. Actually i was thinking all sorts of reasons why it is like that, from ones that are spiteful, like pure evil, to those that were full of generosity. Like even a slight touch would look like an attack on the idea or principles that were "the only" right ones. Thing is that if people had an idea how to help to make it better it would work out fine, but since each one fails to do the job, it kind of, through time becomes obvious that no one has any kind of idea to fix the current problems that people hold inside themselves. I admit the only reason why i came to participate with Desteni was my self interest in how i wanted to reel in this individual the same way she would reel me in. Of course just as this was the reason for all the positive reactions towards them, it was also a reason for all the negative ones. And normally when things get negative just a little bit they significantly outweigh the positive ones, no matter how intense they are. It is however interesting to me how many other points this one point created, like i knew what i wanted but despite knowing i may never get manifest it for real. I decided to open up some points that i thought were needed to at least create a condition to get that primary goal done. Some i managed to create pretty well some seem like forever failed, and what is more that some commitments are so entrenched within me that i think i'll never fail at them no matter how miserable they make me. It is really a weird position to be in. On one hand i have suggestions to do one thing on the other to do the opposite thing. And what is worse is that both are equally strong. Even on a practical level they are completely equal. It is obvious for me that if one person doesn't like me i'll simply find another one. But the position i am in is a bit more complicated because i feel the moral imperative to return the favour, since i kind of hoped for someone would wait for me, and it kind of looked like that really happened, and now i try to do the same no matter how much it hurts my heart especially now that the person i wanted to give myself to, had let someone else in my life. It is really weird, for these were exact same words from that individual, and once i thought that that was even me, but you know how thinking vs reality is, they had a completely different person in their mind, and i again for myself looked like an idiot to even think so about myself. I even indirectly asked who that individual is, probably many other did the same, and everything i had done for myself was for nothing really. So i wait for the right individual that i'll be fond of and i'll know how to doubt my negative reactions, basically control myself not to mess up. But what i also signed for was that i also don't look for any relationships. Like if i do that i have a chance at getting it done, but if i break that i'll be on my own, and i know myself and what a useless way of behaving i have, so i'll be stranded alone just the same. To a certain extent it is actually quite freeing, because i have no partner to be spending my time on and so i have that much more easier life. Like the only thing that makes me yearn is those love moments like i really wanna feel them for once without any doubts and knowings that it is just an illusion, and sex. But even that i've heard an idea that the only reason why sex still happens is cause people are getting to lazy to masturbate. All in all i feel that i have a nice basket of excuses to keep torturing myself with whatever i do, someone would supposedly feel left out and until i live like this i'll be the only left out for me.

Another thing that happened was a reaction towards a person that didn't take it lightly. I was cursing them without me being aware of their presence and they took it to heart. We barely spoke for 2 days. After enough guilt i approached them and explained what happened and somehow i managed to sort my "mistake" out. I still have conflict here and there, but i'm in no way trying to warm up those conflicts. Like in a way whenever i mess up i mess up, i try to fix or leave it alone. If it doesn't want to get sorted i leave it alone. I'm only saying that cause i've seen some people making even a bigger mess after one just made, with an actual intent of sorting the initial one out.

One more point that my mind always manages to open up is memories, even when i don't want to. It is like me forgetting about something with full intent is just not strong enough, because what i found out is that even if i intentionally ruin some ideas about what i should do, my mind through dreams lets me remember how i forgot about it. I guess that is why i keep bringing up this individual, cause i keep dreaming about them. Like the fact that they have someone else to be with is simply not strong enough. Like what i fear most is that there is a line of people like me and i somewhere in the back is keep missing out on what life has to offer, or there is something else at play that i don't see. Cause i mean i know there is a energetic influence that i seem to have trouble controlling, with or without all the tools that are made up to face the untamed instinctive nature of beings. Instinct is like that part where one rolls a dice not knowing how to rationally take a chance so something irrational intervenes, as if that will bring luck, but in most cases i feel like it is even worse. Self control became like this myth, as if everything ever done despite being intended, wasn't exactly known what will become of it. I guess that is why i like machines so much, cause they are predictable, certain, calculable, while life is anything but that. We wanna be "life" yet every idea that limits our ability to move to frame this "life" is just as limiting within "life" itself, so in a way each principle can do good but can also harms as well, depends on a context. On the other hand one can forever dig for what life is and never come to the bottom of it, and sell those ideas to others. I kind of disliked the idea of doing it especially because one only needs to talk or write to do it so. I mean i know that people through time have been writing all sorts of stuff that went on their mind and even make a living of of it. I personally write for free cause i think that despite being completely useless, there is a chance this individual might notice me someday and want me in their life. I don't know however if that is ever gonna happen, though it is interesting to try here and there. I admit that i started to weaver a bit and i basically got reminded through my dreaming that i should proceed with writing, and yet it is strange, I also have no idea how dreams happen, they just happen and one day i'd really want to find out why it is that, what is the purpose of it.

Have a look at it this way. Me participating in Desteni may to those that don't want to deal with it look at me as being completely brainwashed and at that screwed to the end of my life. Those participating in Desteni may look at me for begin completely screwed because of not letting go of some individual that i initially wanted to be in a relationship with, kind of still with for that to happen, but individual i'm nuts about has someone else to be nuts about than me. And when looking at my agreement with B, to not look for a relationship (i really thought he wanted to spare me for the same person i was crazy about) while the only person i'd be willing to embrace is in a position where i'd look for a relationship already has one. So i'm logically done for. I don't even know why i live, though one day this will get either sorted out, or forever banned, this is with me i mean. The only thing that is keeping me alive is me and constant forgetting how messed this "life" thing is. I really don't know how to stop suffering this, it is more of a mental suffering, but hell i've never had a moment in my life where i'd know that there is a problem that is not sorted out completely. Though it is interesting to me how certain ideas spread and while they spread they kind of mutate in heads of people. I'm 100% certain that anyone reading this will create new ideas of what a "manipulating" person i am or, seen as some obsessed being, maybe even stupid to pursue unreal goals, but i told myself hell many times and if this is one of those, i think it should just last, cause i've never had a grander time for myself, ever. Pardon, what i meant was, that if this is hell, i hope it lasts for a long time. (I copied it from some other guy that has it pretty well, only that he talked about there being a crisis, and he said if this is one, i hope it lasts). With no disrespect to all of those that don't have it made for themselves, and are really suffering life, i mean some people worked hard and sacrificed much to enjoy current time, and by the way nor good nor bad things last forever. They more exchange places, like and up and down. The stability is only attained with good regulations and those are really the trick to uphold because they are basically limits that in a way constrict life for the good of it.

On the bottom line for me, i don't really know what i am doing. Honestly, nothing is planned. I'm just me being me. It is a bit messed because i secretly in my mind also think there is nothing wrong with me, like not all things are in my control and that is why i get pushed off and on different things to experience. And even this individual that once told me there is nothing wrong with me kind of had it right i think. I mean we all just deal with what we know, and we know that we keep things from each other, at least i do. I mean if really go full out and tell others what i think about them i doubt they would like me. I'd probably go too far with my "games".

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 05 Jan 2017, 22:08

JAN
5
Day 812: Choices and consequences
I think too much. I really believe that some people managed to master the mind to such an extent where they can keep themselves quiet. I found it interesting how i was told that certain individuals got rid of the mind, as in there is this special achievement in life where one gets to be without a mind and nothing gets to them, like they are free from all the troubles that are felt within because of reasons. I think i'll never get to that point and additionally i know that i don't know everything and most of the things that i try to explain to myself how they function in order to understand them and realise that main point why certain beings behave the way they do, is because i too get knowledge hungry in moments, or in other words one's responsibility is conditioned by theory. I don't know that I want to know things because i believe it is easier to navigate through life with them, or it is because i want to have some sort of influence over what happens to me, and that usually requires knowledge of manipulation. Manipulation is such a strict word. I tend to think that whenever it is used with conjunction of people it mainly comes out in a negative way, like it constricts freedom of beings, or more accurately tricks them into certain way of movement (which brings it back to influence over others), i mean it is kind of complicating to explain all the dimensions (aspects) of manipulation of an individual, but when it comes to machines it becomes much simpler to understand it. A robotic arm has been refereed as manipulator in school. It is cool to give orders to some thing and those are executed in the way they were given. It makes certain jobs easier.

But i wanted to know about manipulation of individuals. I wanna continue with the topic of dreams. In previous blogs i stated how i dreamt about certain individual. I mean i'd not even bring them up. like ever if i'd not experienced sex in them, and i'd not bring dream sex up if someone would say that he dream about him and his girlfriend having sex. And i though like cheating on some crush i had. I mean i laughed the other day when i thought that i was cheating on my crush with my crush, though i don't really know how dreams work. I know i had an idea once that is like this simulated experience one is thrown in without any choice, or even if by choice I saw it more as a illusion than reality, though some claim reality is just as an illusion. In last dream it was not so much dreaming about them, i mean they do appear, but the conditions are not so positive. In fact i seem to experience myself with a desire to clear out some things, only with words, and i know that the individual, i wanted to dream about is more wanting to stay away from me than to be in my company. I don't get it exactly, but how i see myself within it all, is that i created this idea that i wanted to be with someone, and it never actually happened, because i act repulsive or so i understand the situation. So i really think that the stories of my dreams are basically screwed with only one mistake and that was that i believed that i had an agreement with that being, while there was none, and all i did was making myself look like some dog that wants to get to a cat that is on a tree, but can't cause the dog doesn't know how to climb. But on the bottom line no matter what happened in dreams and then when i'd be awake think about the story that was going down, i couldn't help myself but to think that it is all just fabricated in my mind by me and i don't have any actual idea what the truth is but the options that i think of and then "know" that they are potentially real, and what is worse the usual "suspected" ways of how things stand are completely opposite.

So for instance, I know myself that i generally don't want to intentionally hurt people in any way, like i am aware that all aggressive actions towards others have a potential to in way bounce back to me so all that "evil" i'd intend to do, I usually see as coming right back to me. I don't think i'll ever shake off that belief, and i do know that in moments when i'd "lost" it, and i'd do my bidding, i'd have fear afterwards of same thing just happening back to me, out of revenge for instance. So, in the background i don't really know what to stand for, when it comes to unravelling certain situations. I kind of fell disgraced and ashamed in myself that i ever believed that wrong idea of my dream in the making. Like all i'd had to do is just tell myself that one of the two potentials that were in my mind constantly coming up is more real and the other not so much, and thus i "fucked" myself in the head with the wrong potential, invested quite a lot of will, like it is gonna happen and it simply didn't. I kind of still getting over it. I realised that this frequently reappearing thing need solving and next time, i know i won't regret making the same mistake because it is simply like that. Either you stand for something and not show a bit of doubt about it, cause that will only make it fail. I had doubt so it only contributed to failure. And knowing that all the loss in a case of failure is just the price that would had to be "payed" in a case of success anyway, so i don't really know why i am such a downer. I just can't shake the negative emotions about myself how delusional i am in thinking that i'll "test" something out to see if it works, especially in moments such as relationship creation. I don't know how to explain it, the love that is "sought" for gets uprooted without any doubts if a single doubt is present. The cure for that is also simple and that is that I'd usually not create any kind of sinister ideas that i'll be in a loss because of what i'd indulge in, cause I kind of know that certain pleasures come with lots of not so pleasurable consequences. One such idea was with masturbation. On one hand one gets pushed and pulled into such experience with all sorts of motivators, i could say manipulators, such as commercials, etc. On the others it is seen as a sin for which the price must be payed. I've heard all sorts of explanations why it is bad, and it is interesting that the imagination that i'd initially have just got upgraded a bit with more information but in the obvious i'd still get that experience, of a need of experiencing it and on the other side not exactly knowing what kind of consequences will manifest beside the one that I'd "need" or desire more accurately. It is interesting that just because we can't accurately predict future, there is this fear of it with relation to whatever I'd do, like it is not always, but i know i'm not exactly free from it happening again. it probably will. I know i had it just about now, and that is simply because i can't predict what will go down because of me being me in this moment right now. Like those relationship desire problems are nothing compared to this, there are so many possibilities my mind at certain point of my life just exploded on me. I'd try to think so many things at the same time, i'd literally go crazy in my head. People despite being real, and me somehow afraid of each individual, and how they might influence me, or manipulate me or whatever, felt like the least of my problems. Imagination can be quite burdensome and mind in such a case really looked to me like something i want to get rid of. But then i had also a ton of excuses why i need it, or think with it cause without it, i can't imagine how to create any kind of force within me to move me.

It is quite a biggy. You have energy and you have matter, and then there is this hybrid energy that is kind of a consequence, that is tough in school as work, kinetic, potential, and inner energy or heat. And within this what bugs me most is us and how we move things. Cause in theory it all makes perfect sense and you have one and the other side of equation, but logically i don't make sense of are we moved by energy (emotions and feelings) or are we that moves it. It has been explained many times in some interviews i think, i forgot what is explained there, but i think that just as we have the "force" to move things around we have "force" that moves us. And within the idea of of blame and responsibility one can look at it from the perspective of what came first, was it the energy that moved me or was me that moved energy. It is like one of those tricks on myself where i'd want something, but don't want to make it look like i want it so i have to find something that "made" me do it. God is such an idea for instance. If if go back in time we can play the blame game and the first one that is the prime sinner so to speak, but the catch is that that force is actually the one with power to move things. So if we look at the system how hypocritical it is towards that fact we can see that we all want things to happen to us, we wanna make them happen to us, and then when they don't we tend to use the blame word for out will not happening while knowing we that we are in fact not "strong" enough to make it happen. I can make it sound epic and say we are not worthy of whatever it is that we want for ourselves. So yes even if we are "free" our freedom gets constricted with limitations that we try to understand. That is why the knowledge race is such a drag i think. Like if one knows more one is able to manipulate situation in their favour. It is not like that at all. Since system is made of life it is alive by itself and what may work today may not work tomorrow, and rules of the game constantly change. Thus i think the obsession with them, in trying to fine one law that could constantly be applied, and no one has ever found it, like nothing is really sacred no matter how special we know it is, or maybe it is so exactly because everything is kind of sacredly special, it is just that the moment bounces from one to another, and through that everyone gets to have a time of their life. Though this is just theory. Supposedly some people have told me that there is a plan. What i used to think as a kid was that there is a belief there is a plan, but if one would in sincerity go explore what exactly there is that is in the making, one would find that ideas created to be manifested, just upgrade with each new realisation that hasn't been yet considered. How to consider everything i don't know. Reality does that by itself constantly, and is just too much that can possibly go up or down to be taken into consideration so that one could then manipulate things "successfully". I mean whenever i'd try to manipulate i had a hunch that whatever that i would want will only not be exactly as i'd want it, it would be good enough, and at the same time i'd be aware that i don't know what else will happen because of me doing it the way i wanna.

I got carried away like always. But since i had that desire to write, not like not having it anymore, it is just i write something and i always get lost in my "coming up of thoughts". And to think i'd have to forgive each and every one i had. I'd hysterically laugh at the impossibility of such a feat, that is why if that option isn't possible to make it happen what is the point of making it look like it is it, and without it everything is lost, and the "supposed" solution because of not being applied makes it hell in the end.

I mean when i'd have a problem to which i'd hold on, like something in my life that i'd want to experience but can't, i'd run away from the thought instead of forgiving it and from a certain perspective do make myself more aware of it, but it is also harmful because it is just another one more time that solidifies it for me, and makes me more instead of less like it that i don't really like it being.

For instance i'd have this idea that i want to please everyone with me being me, so that i'd not have conflict. What in some cases practically happened was just that because of things that i'd set myself out to do, and magically others would have so much to tell me about how against me they are that i'd say screw that "pleasing me" and go for whatever i'd want no matter how much it would get on others nerves. On one hand i know that the belief keeps them standing that way, cause you know how it is when you say something like you mean it, you can even believe it for real it is so, and then when time passes by and you find it is not exactly as you'd think or believe it is, then the revelation can make you feel like getting a bit more free, or a bit more enslaved for having it wrong all that time while thinking you are right. What is more interesting are masses of such people, like one single abolished idea can cause them to commit suicide, even if it is just a heartbreak or drop of share index. I never really cared about my loss, despite feeling like really bad many times. Maybe i've not felt bad enough, or maybe i thought maybe my time is yet to come. Like the idea of infinity existed long before i came into contact with Desteni. I always had that what if within me that the here-now can come haunt me in the here-after. There is no fact that beings stop existing after death, and if it being true, then why not considering there is infinite amount of time to spend why not deal with the loss now, instead of carrying it around for eternity on end. It is kind of weird that i'd pull myself out of such negative experiences that i'd not know how to deal with or act in responsibility. I mean isn't it obvious that if you'd face a pissed off being, and no matter what would come up your mind of what you should do or behave to make them not so angry would anger them even more that the obvious move would be to not move at all. It is not like you are the only one that can feel it. So can I, but to me it was never really the point. If anything i'd constantly remind myself how pointless it is, but hell i know i couldn't contain it all the time. I do still work on myself to not give in too easily. I think it also makes it that much more effective to manipulate things with it, if one is not moved into is with slightest misalignment of reality and the individuals idea of it. I personally would be more afraid of someone that is not moved by anything but themselves than someone that is moved by slightest of push. Like with such people i've heard you never know if they are sociopaths or psychopaths, or some other abnormal way of life, but i think those are just gossip trash because it is natural for people to be afraid to be double crossed or manipulated or getting killed. Like maybe there is something that one could actually learn from. Or maybe that is what paves the way to hell, like just because we don't react. I don't know i just imagine, when it comes down to the moment of choice i usually improvise, it doesn't always solve the problem but the similarities of how to deal with problems are astonishing in all aspects, either working with something that is of matter or with something that is being alive.

I feel like i'm constantly falling for it, like i don't get it, and the same time problems occur and i make them so big, before even dealing with them. Past caught up to me and i'll have to go to court and explain myself being a witness, while knowing that the more they will dig the bigger the chance i'll end up being an offender. i know that i'll stop if i get to a point where i'll have to say some names. It just isn't fair. If i'll tell on anyone, i'll tell on everyone, and i don't remember half of what I've experienced in my lifetime. I kind of have a hunch i'll again pay dearly because of keeping my mouth shut. System is such a nice thing, if you say something it doesn't allow, you get extorted by it, and if you don't speak when it tells you to do so same thing happens. Like living it up solely depends of some living it down. I already had all sorts of back-chats of what i'll prick about if they touch the right buttons. I'm kind of happy they don't have paranormal superpowers like in the existence have. I mean i know you don't believe me, but i didn't believe it at first either, but whatever it is on the other side it can influence reality, or beings to feel incredible pain, like Darth Vader from a movie Star Wars, but there is no real need for anyone that can be seen with physical eyes, like if what happened was for real, i think we can all be pretty damn grateful to some dead beings or something out there, that doesn't make us feel that just pure pain, pain that can kill. And there is no one in this physical reality that can measure it, or maybe they can. But i still insist that i only believed it to be so, i don't actually see anything else but matter. Though some people claim they see auras or other beings that are like here but on a different spectrum. I really do think that i might be wrong, but what i wrote above did cross my mind when experiencing myself in reality. Point is that I've let so many "i won't tell on you" choices on my path, that i'd not know where to stop, actually it wouldn't change anything cause at the end of the day we are all "impure" when it comes to moral dogma and especially behaviour. We all cut corners cause it is too complicated to follow ideal ideas within much much much more real reality than what we can imagine in our minds. I guess that is why "mastering the mind" is such an amazing feat, like there is only getting close to it but never being it cause the mind only ever experiences what already went down that is why we are always behind in facing the consequences. I mean it is same with this paranormal thing. I don't know if I am right or not, but just in case i am, I'll consider it considerable and if i am doing it wrong i'll just try not regret it too much for too long.

Also i don't know why i have so much against law system, but probably because we value it too much, or the law system does, but how it depends on physical force, the one that was used to wage wars and plunder and god knows what other atrocities, makes it astonishing really cause it suppose to be justice and the word just in it may mean barely but not fair, since i don't know why from the beginning of time time of some is more valuable than the time of others, and i don't know how it will be done, but if equality is ever gonna exist that problem will need to be sorted. It is more of injustice system than justice one. I know i'm kind of spiteful but i do wish at times that whatever beings do wrong here in reality gets balanced out in the mentality in the here-after. Spiteful because it is generally seen as something negative done, then punishment while abusing it to get a bit richer, i mean even a judge has to survive of of something, and because i don't see that as fair, the fair move would actually be a equally balancing move of making something bad for someone, which is usually harm, and all harm is kind of spiteful.

Did i ever mention that i imagined that this world is actually just another way to describe what was always done onto one another. Like I thought that in ancient times there were this energy battles where beings would try to hit each other with certain "experiences" and it only developed into creating words to manifest exactly the same positive or negative charges. Sure there is a dimension of a make belief where someones trash is another's treasure, but then i don't want to get into recycle "mechanism" i thought were/are happening.

In fact i've seen imagination just as burdening as freeing. It depends what words and with that symbol frequencies (described by some) that are then felt on the inside one decides or is capable and competent creating. Personally, i feel like others see me as worst bullshitter ever, but i didn't ever preferred to lie to myself. I don't care how much tainted my love potential was, like in the end one had to believe in something for to stand for it. We all know how beliefs are, the positive and the negative of it. On one hand it gives you that "purpose" and on the other it may be a "lie" but it is not known util it is created so, so either give up now or continue walking on. Just because it doesn't exist it doesn't mean it can't be created, or if the creation is such that it is just impossible to create it, then yea, then it is pointless to make it happen.

The very next day that i stated i dreamt of someone that i think just experienced for a fraction of a time. Like I though that individual was really angry at me, though strange i didn't feel fear, more like being a nuisance, you know like being told to not do something and then still keep doing it hoping it will somehow make it better, and while at it the notion of never making it makes you feel like something is missing. Personally i don't get it why i found myself in such a position. On one hand i think like i'm totally nuts to even write about such things. But then if someone that you'd find attractive and you'd be told to do something would you not do it. It is funny cause on one hand energy does drive me to do this, on the other, i too do decide how to direct it. Or maybe i'm just a program playing out the way I wanna play myself out and there is no one that can in detail completely manipulate me. I mean surely to a certain extent i did felt manipulated, or at least i thought of it that i am, but then it is also an opportunity, and since i had most of the "complex" problems already sorted out as a kid i decided to share my mind-fucks, and gave them a go, cause i mean if they are the cause that caused me to experience myself in such a way, surely i can somehow maybe influence myself with writing them out, and maybe change something like to not cause myself such a situation. I mean i really do feel lots of disappointment about myself. Especially considering how my imagination works, like if i were to face the real situations i doubt they would go imagine-wise. This is also my greates fear, like if i ever happen to stumble across another relationship opportunity i don't wanna mess it up with whatever i'll think to do, i'll think i think it wrong and then i'd walk away like i'm not even interested, while all the while i'd be totally nuts it is just that I've not had many relationship opportunity experiences and the ones i did have (speaking about me and women i'd try to find or manipulate one of them into liking me, or charming her to use a more pleasant word) i'd just fail. It is easy to write and take time to think what to say to push the right buttons for the right energy reactions to happen, but in practise space time i have bad-poor experience. Like even in this current case when i know i have 0% chance that i'll ever have it done, i kind of long for it, and at the same time getting it out of my head as much as possible. Constant breathing each time i remember there is something "drawing me back" kind of helps, but best would be if i'd just disappear, and not participate anymore, to really forget the whole thing, but then i'll break an agreement so that doesn't go. I started to look at is as a challenge, to experience something so close but so far away at the same time. Like wanting a ride that you can't have but it is right there in front of you just to drool over it. I never thought that process would want to transcend such things. It really is extraordinary in a way. Maybe i just make it too unpleasant for me.

So yeah the dream after the one i bragged about was even more dim, like all the dreams are pretty dark, as if everything would be drawn in a dark scale, barely any colour or white. There was this whole group telling me how i f***** up because of constantly wanting something. What is wanted from me i don't know but i do feel like i'm little bit annoying and pushy and like i don't have any principles at all, like nothing is sacred for me but pleasing of my own ego. Anyway i feel like time stopped for me and it is gonna be this same thing until i die. I did think about how i manage to completely complicate myself to a point where i have no issues deciding what to do. Like the usual things that are still failing me such as memory and not pushing through certain resistances, but all in all i feel like incoherent and messed as ever.

But i do constantly repeat myself what I've learned. There is no one but me that does things to me on the inside. I've realised that despite my hard time i give to myself the certain problem is so big it basically overrides all the rest. Even people at work ask me why i constantly look so sad. Like on one hand i want to look empty that is having that face with no muscle active, it kind of at least indicates that there is subconscious reaction within me, thus supposedly there is no mind chatter thinking also, though i'll always see this as a dream in the making. I personally believe that people think all the time, no matter how much they say they don't. I think even that there is no actual stopping of it. Surely some may pretend to not think, i just think i'm the same as everyone else, and there is an enormous amount of thought being processed with much of it me not even being aware of being in them. I think we are all the same in that. I may be wrong and that there are people that actually don't think or have a mind, though i have trouble understanding how are they facing the ever evolving every day. I mean do they just automatically know everything if someone asks them to calculate something? Do they never indulge into pretty lies, like those where something that would really make you feel happy or whatever positive is imagined to be, but then remembering how reality stands makes you react in opposite way? I don't get it why i still do this, despite all the self forgiveness and mental training i thought i participated in when doing school or whatever self motivated mental movement. I mean i did't have no choice but to lie to me in certain points that things will not go well, since there was no real indication they will. I regret it since it kind of ruined my opportunity, but then i don't know how else would i more honest, despite "losing" whatever i thought i'll get, or should i say experience. It really is kind of stuck, though it is not only my problem. I think some people take themselves too seriously and are too entrenched by the idea of them having such a significant effect, then again it is their own choice to believe in what they are just as my is my own, though it kind of created more of a mess for me than anything attractive. Then again when one reads old books of how life was, it wasn't that much different regarding mental problems. Like on the inside we only created this illusion of evolution, or it may evolved though we keep experiencing same energy patterns, it is just some new situation that hasn't been reacted towards yet and the next time it will happen it won't be just a rough ride, since we'd already be used to it. That is how i see reactions. First time a joke if funny, second time it feels like faking a laugh if there is one, or maybe you just didn't get it the first time around, could be not hearing it cause of thinking about something you dealt with in that moment and it was more significant than some joke.

It is really weird to think that from a certain perspective i'm "cross referencing", too bad the usual feedback is spread thin, and i've become really lazy in listening to it. I kind of feel like i'm saying i'm interested, but not really. Like some day i hope i'll threw myself back into listening of that sound to hear what it has to say. But generally i feel like a fallback. I only buy it cause i wanna support too. At least it feels like it. Though my writing is a bit doubted in by me. I think i'll only create damage to myself in a long run, not even mentioning others. I didn't check for mistakes. I only remember to write in even more if i start reading through. ...Stopping issues... Too much text and venting out as it is....

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 13 Jan 2017, 18:42

JAN
13
Day 813: Cross referencing
Another interesting workweek passed by. I learned something about machines. It is interesting that they are older than me, and yet, being used with pretty advanced contraptions, it still makes them up to date despite, looking like they would fit more in a museum than in industrial processes. It is an interesting site. i also learned something about life, and that is that it is sometimes better to stay quiet than to say anything, or ask questions. In a short term it is pretty benefiting, especially to me, cause i tend to sometimes only make only more problems for myself simply because of opening my mouth.

Another interesting thing that i realised is how what we believe in carries an impact on our everyday choices. For instance i was an apprentice in some firm. There i learned how material really matters in predicting how a metal sheet will bend under given circumstances. It is generally accepted that material type has the most influence of all the parameters of working conditions. After i finished my education i know i spent roughly 3 months looking for a job. I know i didn't put in all my effort to find one (maybe i'd find one sooner), but during that time i did have a few interviews where i learned from a certain individual, when he asked me what is important to know within a bending process. I fired away with: "material", and he said: "temperature". I was sure that i said that material is more important parameter (it is a good excuse to blame with, how we are without influence over what we are working with), and once more he replied with "temperature too". I only figured out now that the more influential parameters one knows the more predictable situation becomes for one to anticipate. What i didn't expect is that i'll also learn that the "material" part of influence becomes a detail in itself. It is generally known that for each specific temperature there specific state of matter. It is a small difference but when it comes to details, it becomes basically the mayor role player if one wants to be accurate and precise. As per material part one does simply not know what kind of result to expect, one would have to know the whole process of how material was created, and it is pointless to track that since it also only causes small difference in detail. Also it is much easier to measure temperature than material specifications in detail. What i wanted to say is how different individuals know and believe in significance of different things, yet while being both right, what would be good to do is to acknowledge both sources of information despite when cross referencing one with the other they wouldn't agree with one another. I think it may be due to stubbornness, or simply accepting something and not giving room to anything else.

I mean it is the same if a system teaches you that you are a slave and then some day you hear about equality, it is natural that you'll believe it is a fairy tale since you know that going against the system, it will only put you in a conflicting situation with it. And to get anywhere within it, one has to somehow turn into a monster that ignores certain sickening actions about it. Then again i don't believe in any organised group behind the curtain that set this scene up. I do believe it is just a mix up of all the interests of different ambitious individuals that are far away from being aligned since each one only from a certain perspective wanted to survive. I mean i feel it is kind of stupid to think that things were planned to go this way, or maybe they were. But if one asks any successful, or unsuccessful corporation, group, organisation, one will see that there was a plan, and there is always a comparison with what actually went down. It is hardly ever the same, what is planned and what actually happens. Yes certain things are predictable, but those are not all of them.

I mean if i look my own mind mess for instance, that i think i partially help manifest, but in some parts i do blame others, but i'll not tell them, i mean what if i am wrong. I'll only make things harder for myself, unless the one i'd blame is easy going and understanding and would forgive me, in which case i don't even know why i'd blame them, but i mean what can also be happening is that i'm blaming the wrong people, and they wouldn't be easy going about it, since it is kind of strict, full of principles situation. But either way i want to sort out the part i have most influence on, and that is me so here it goes. I had a dream the other day. This individual was hugging and kissing me windy, while i sat by the table with some other beings. What was the most interesting thing within it, as i remember is that i'd in a dream tell that being that i belong to someone from reality and it is weird that i'd remember that after i'd wake up. It was really intense moment for me because when i was thinking about it during work, i knew it was me not getting how i can remember how reality for me stands within a dream, but i'd have no idea how the dream stood when i was thinking within reality about it. I mean i don't even know who individuals within a dream were who that girl was that kissed my face, and despite me going this topic of dreams so many times, it felt damn real. And i kind of still believe they are more of a lie that is being projected as some sort of movie that i watch during my sleep. I mean they were really nice, dreams of late. In one of them i had this mouse for PC that was all jelly like and had this abundance of little crystals inside, like some sort of a contraption that i was nuts about. I think it made me fly, or i made myself fly within a dream cause of it. I mean i don't entirely get them, but i do treat them as experience like any other, it just happened. This is what it was, and i'll probably forget it later on.

Another thing that i noticed is how i used breath to keep myself going when i knew that i couldn't go no more. At least to my mind, i was wanting to take a break and with breathing that gave me all the break that i needed i could go on do my stuff. It is not that the breathing makes resistances go away, it just makes that crucial, how should i put it, distraction to ignore whatever i would wish to happen, and then move on doing something that i'd not want to do. I don't know, like breathing gives you that window to not give into certain things that would otherwise not mean certain doom, but they would add to that pile of not giving it all i'd have. It helps me give it my all i got, maybe i just imagine, but then again i have to draw a line somewhere. I learned that if i push myself too much, i may get to damage myself a bit more. On one hand it is getting used to do certain things, on the other what becomes painful it is also a sign to stop, but if survival is on the line, then i guess a little more beats won't hurt as much as not giving a little more love. But it is interesting, a first few weeks my hands were absolutely burning on the inside, due to work, and now i don't notice a thing, yet i do the same thing that in the first place caused me pain.

So even if pain is used to cross reference it is only for so much time before one gets used to it, or it is the other way around, where one becomes different enough not to feel any. I do admit that I've not forgiven myself for it and yet it looks like the thing sorted, or maybe solved itself out.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 22 Jan 2017, 16:15

JAN
22
Day 814: Struck stuck
Another interesting week passed by. Some good things happened and some bad. I realised that i really have to be careful what i say or do. I mean i am careful, but it does seem that i'm not enough. It is not so much about system getting to me. But individuals that make the system up.

Let me explain. There is a certain word, i won't be specific, i'll just use an example and example is going to be the word God. What i created behind this word with my thoughts was or is or will be the same process as some preacher that wrote the Bible or Kabbalah, it doesn't really matter cause its the same thing, only that Bible is a bit more gay, not as gay as sexually oriented in the same sex but, a bit more "cheerful" and much less "brutal". So just as those wise men, or God or whoever supposedly is at the top of the "self interest" chain, whose will will be done onto others but will of others won't be done on to God, create their secret idea of what God is, I've obviously created mine. I'm willing to bet that i'm the same as many other people in this process of making up what God is. Personally i can say that i was really careful in always being aware that I imagined the whole thing, thus i knew that there may come a time where it would be better for me to let go of these ideas or concepts of how things stand and let the reality speak for itself instead of my imagination filling in the blanks in an improper way.

Because i was "lucky" enough to survive up to a certain time i was also able to realise a certain thing about the word God, also all other words for that matter and the thing was that when a certain individual proclaimed herself as God, just because of a seemingly special enough reason, but I didn't get it at the time, why i had such a spiteful reaction, while being really worried about this individual. Spite because i and this idea of God didn't grow well together. Basically if i were to meet God, I'd probably not believe it so what is the point into believing into such an idea, or thought. Being a prick that i became actually somewhat supported me, despite most of the consequence that I've made for myself was more or less pretty bad, but the positive thing was the fact that i now get. I mean if i had my interpretation of what God is, and other people have theirs, and then if someone in reality self proclaims oneself and the fist conflict that the individual creates with the ideas that others have in mind, then that individual will basically make it really bad for oneself within the minds of others. Of course it brings up the question who and what others are, cause one can never be too careful what the actual intent of proclaiming oneself into God-state is. In addition i'd like to add that if such a things pulls through it may become boring over time just because of missing out the challenge, i mean what is the point of being God if everything there is, is just a snap of fingers away while we ordinary mortals still have to kneel here and there to make things work. I mean it is "harder" but on the other hand it is also more interesting. I mean imagine a God that cleans toilets. We don't hear about that in the Bible, yet someone has to do it for real to not have shit allover the place.

So yea my current problem is a bit of the same nature. It is not so much about what God is, but more about where enough is. What happened was an accumulation of behaviour of a certain individual that decided to stumble me. I still don't know if that was for joking purposes or for spiteful ones, but at one point where that individual just pushed it too far with "pokes" of his elbow, and i think he even pinched me. I say think cause i really don't know, since when i confronted him about this to ask for his forgiveness (i'll explain later), he questioned me as if he never pinched me and i made this part up, but it was interesting cause he didn't deny his attempts to stumble me, which he "carefully" did them in a "no cameras" zone. I know i've had some problems trusting myself of what i make up and what really happened, I mean once imagined is is almost as if it actually happened, and it is kind of hard to differentiate between the two, the imagination and the experience of reality. I mean in some cases only that is. Usually some past of value. Anyway once this limit was crossed, of what was "enough" for me i started my "evil" mode once again. Of course i felt bad, on reason was because it was the same as: Screw Desteni Principle i'm sorting this my old way, and the other was that the wife of general director just sat there in the office that was right next to where i confronted that guy. I threatened him that i'll smash his pie hole if doesn't stop being a jerk, and he even stepped on my toes to come really close to my face thinking i'll falter. I stood there like a statue and after a moment i deliberately started poking him, but only with words, in a really "me being a dick" manner. Oh yea i can be evil too. And this was what really got to me. The thing that i became in the moment was pure proof that i can still loose it. I mean i could have said nicely to him, but in stead i've decided to go about him a bit different way. I was a bit similar of what I've experience someplace else where i really thought i was done-for, but not a single hair was broken, i mean it was not even close to that, but it was on its way there. So yeah there is no bullet proof way of dealing with internal accumulation. I'm doing my process for years now and nothing works. Next time i know that if similar thing happens i'll start doing self forgiveness out loud into the face of one that will behave like a dick "by my standards" towards me. I don't know but they just may react the same way as i did towards the whole Desteni thing at the start. Yes i admit, instead of self forgiveness calming me, it made me react even more, that is why i decided to stop doing it, like i did. Once i was implanted with the seed, or this idea of doing it, it never actually went away. It is just that in some cases i was shit scared to even read one from other people and in some cases it actually did "help" as in "calming or stopping" me, but it was never 100% proof. That is why i always questioned myself if there is something else that makes me calm or scared about the thing. Of course the answer was hiding within my secret back chat and reactions towards it, like i still think it is the experience that makes me react, not the actual thing that i see or hear. I make myself feel what i do, others are just "accidental encounters" that give me the push. Of course it may be deliberately spiteful but still, it may not pass my inner "systems" if they are set up to deal with such things, or it may pass them immediately. I never really understood this. All i know was that there was an evolution to it and that the whole "consciousness-conscience-moral" system was based on it. I know that each one has one's own, and that most of conflicts are the derivative of that, and now to think that there is a God and God's conscience is impeccable. Isn't it interesting like con and science make up the word. Like a trick and a brain to it make up the moral value system of consciousness.

What is also interesting to me are the thoughts that come up when thinking about forgiveness, like eve that became tainted as well. Like the latest fashion is that I'd for instance fuck things up, and then just self forgive them and, voila i'm a clean slate again. I don't think it works that way because there is a mental world and there is a world of reality. And in the head many things a possible, including making up of a God, but in reality, it doesn't necessarily works that way, because last I've heard is that in the head we can make mistakes in imagination, but in reality if a mistake is made reality doesn't really give a damn, it just reacts to what one did to it. Reality doesn't really forgive, actually it is quite unforgiving, almost God-unlike for that matter.

To not only share the bad things... I managed to stop bad intents with instead of doing something bad for another, to deliberately do something good. I also finally get the problem of forgiveness. I was asked by someone to forgive them. It was like they were admitting to do bad things to me, and for me to supposedly now not get to them, once they realised that i too can get to them, they had a sudden change of heart. I personally believe that if i'd do nothing about it they would only become more daring. I said no that i don't forgive them, i just wanted to express my empathy towards them because i really thought i scared them, and to not make them feel like everything was their fault. And due to me not wanting to forgive them, I realised i was just being a smart ass, and suddenly all that poking and stumbling and would make scene. I mean secretly in my backchat i already forgive them, i was just joking i didn't and i know how much a word can meant to me (obviously i say that it doesn't, but that is just defence mechanism to not face shit that others would put me up with), and i was joking for one reason only, and yes it is spiteful, and yes it is to make them feel bad, and yes to force them to find peace within themselves on their own, because i know i won't intentionally throw logs under their feet (it's a saying, here) and maybe in due time they won't become so conditioned with what choices they decide to make under the influence of internal turmoils or joyrides. At least I think it went down that way, not entirely sure though, i just think this individual is not such a bad person, it is just i know that i can behave and talk in a way where i make others have no choice but to spew on me.

In my family i have the same problem. I'd intentionally pick on what people believed in, just to piss them of. There was no intention of broaden their horizons, it was just about making others feel based on what i'd learn from them. It is not my fault they decided to believe in God. I mean they can have fun and and predict futures out of coffee sediments (i'd use another word, sediment is too terminological) on the bottom of a cup, but i'm not allowed to buy Legos to have fun with them in a supposed future.

Another thing that happened was that i was told that i should really find a woman for me. And just as i have finally become fond of being alone and having time for me to fool around, what is left of it anyway, i should now start looking for a relationship. Basically I'm pretty pissed about the thing. You see i had this idea that a certain individual was interested in me, but as it happened it was never really so. Actually what happened was that i eventually started to see me as being uninteresting and really unwanted, more like trying to manipulate others to like me instead of being that. Like some being have it naturally within them, they would do really weird stuff say one thing, do another, have such a "powerful" attraction that no matter how repulsing they would intentionally be they would still draw in, but to no avail. Understand it is nothing bad, it is same as matter works, it attracts other matter but then there is a limit where it just does not let it in. Like you can come this close to me but no further.
I personally really wanted to fix thing and make a impossible possible for me, but it just so happens that certain beings are either too high or special, or just too resentful. Then again there may be completely different reasons for why things are the way they are, it is just the same old problem i always had. My illusions clash with reality, and i don't know if certain things stand or not. I mean real picture is quite bad from certain perspectives considering my self interest. I dare not touch on the subject, but in a long run i think it is what i deserved. I mean if I am really such a bad evil person it is best anyway for all that i don't indulge into any relationships. Yes it is a cluster-fuck, pardon my expression. I mean it is not end of the world if some of self interested ideas will stop existing, what really just gets to me that i got stuck in this waiting mode, cause I know that one day hopefully i'll find someone that will be willing to put up with me and all my "troubled past". I should have had more fun before i indulge into changing myself. I mean eve if i had that wish within me to find myself a proper girlfriend i wouldn't know where to start. It would certainly have to be physical, and not on internet. Plus I really need to get over this interest cause i still think that i have that crush all warmed up, like it may seem i've let go of it, but hadn't really, or it may seem that i didn't but i really don't care anymore. What bothers me most is this backchat that i still train of how there is no point in me doing it cause in the end it will only hurt more. It is really an feeling emotion problem, but supposedly it is just a system and system can devolve or evolve, i mean anything is better than this what i'm going through. I think i'm in my own personal hell. On the outside everything is pretty on the inside i feel like absolute mess.

I know that one day it will get sorted out, but if that is so, why don't I know how to do it now. I'll just breathe i guess, on and on. At least now i know that i'll not hurt this individual if i get to a point where sparks will fly with someone else than her. Yes i did believe she was sending me a message, or someone else for that matter when i intentionally wanted to forever go away, but now that message seems like a con. And if that is true then all this time I've either been dealing with my own gullibility and because it takes two to tango, someone else that is in fact really not evil, just a mess. To be evil, one needs to be smart and i know i ain't cause I've let this thing to go on too long. I guess this is that point where one needs to master it, but you really can't cause there is a team and a team works together not against each-other. If this gets untangled, i'm really interested in knowing how, because supposedly there is someone that knows everything and i'd really like to see how this will get handled. Yes, i think i've said it all except about the most recent dreams, or should i say nightmare.

I mean if what i dreamt about really happens in some afterlife dimension then it is really bad, like i'll express only pars where there was this ceremony like a big party, a charade, and don't want to go into it deeper cause it is just bad. It is even worse if it was all my own imagination that i was dreaming in. I can personally guarantee that I've never fallen so low. I don't know when this will end, but i know it must. It was just weird, and unacceptable by me. I don't get how anyone would be able to be so vulgar. I really believed that by explaining myself, like writing about my inner problems it would make things better for me, but what actually happened was i made them worse.

I really don't know what would be best for me to do, so i'll just keep on doing what i always did and see how things will roll out for me. I guess i have no idea where to go on from here so i'll just stop.

I think i'm now more aware of the fact that there is just no coming to someone. If i do it proper best for all way, i think i'll be registered as trying to manipulate myself into something and if i go the energetic way, by making another react the way i want, then it is again not right. I also realised that what i do is react with this negative emotion towards certain things and then morph my internal world in such a way where i doubt my initial instinct and try to find a way to warm another up for me, instead of initially perceived plan to expose that i internally "feel" about them. But i mean i stopped that since there is no point. I don't know what kind of being i'm dealing with, but i think that the committee of beings that are addressed too frequently becomes more of a burden than any real help. That is why i'm more fond of rather doing things on my own because it is pointless for me to wanna try out something and then indulge what others have to say about it before doing it. I mean if i don't know how the hell would others do, and if a thought is crated only once it is damn hard to let go of it, unless some revealing happens. But that is not such a problem for me, what i'm bothered most right now is how i wanted to be compassion, like prove it to myself that i have at least a shred of it in me, and i ended up looking flat out dumb. I mean i know self interest play in this, but still, it is a not nice game, at least certain people look at it this way. Not the not nice part, the game part. All fun and jokes. I am really interested to see if this complication within me will ever get sorted out. I know what generally bothers me. That waiting for another to talk to me, just because when i talk to them it is supposedly not best for all, but when they will talk to me, that will be. It is kind of the same as waiting to find god, i mean even if you search for it and you never find it, it will take a time to decide to stop spending it on that finding of it. It can't get any clearer.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 29 Jan 2017, 20:54

JAN
29
Day 815: Waiting as purpose?
I had a recollection of a memory. It had to do with logical thinking and how many points of view can be considered at the same time. What happened was that i got introduced to logical mathematical problem. I know that there was a grid and you had to put in solutions for the given problem. What i was told was how the procedure is done, and while i failed to remember how it is done i was already daydreaming or thinking how one day i'll be able to do it all just with my mind. Point was that at that time i'd not want to give up on thinking about it where it would bring me to a point that i wanted to stop thinking about it and i couldn't cause the problem (although nothing serious) didn't get solved. I saw myself as incompetent and when realising that this may cost me something in the future, like some sort of loss because of not thinking it right, not doing it right it was just a matter of time when such moments would become more and more surfaced. In a way it was bugging me cause i wanted to strengthen something, but then what happened was that that strength became a burden in itself. So it actually made me weak in a way cause i haven't been able to do something, and because i liked, still do generalise things, i then just took myself as a lesser being cause of not making myself competent in that way, like because i failed at that i then just thought i'll fail at everything. Surely imagination got the best of me. Just as i'd imagine positive moments that were pure fiction, and would feel great about them, i imagined the negative ones. Somehow i had less trouble with getting myself sober out of positive ones, while the negative side was stuck on me for a while. I'm writing this because at that point i just threw myself into whatever came up my mind. It was a mess in a way, but considering that within imagination like everything is possible and even though it is fake it still can pretty much simulate what actually goes down. So in a way you can imagine it right or wrong too.

This was neatly connected with my experience with conflict. I didn't tell you this but days without conflict were rare. It felt like this mental war was constantly going on. I was a much more silent person back then because no matter what i'd say i'd cause someone to tell me that i'm wrong. It was a little bit bouncy in my head, cause of it. Like no matter what i'd thunk up and then say, i'd have this backchat about it how it is not the right thing. So even if i'd say something smart here and there another would then add to it, like i wasn't complete enough and that the person was better than me. On one hand i saw it as if everyone "competed" or tried to add something of their own realisation, or knowledge to the pile of it to make it more complete. I know i made it in my mind that i wasn't educated or knowledgeable enough. So after a while i just stopped speaking and listen what others had to say. My backchat became this machine that wouldn't agree with anyone, or if partially i'd think myself smarter within me cause i'd always find something that would contradict any kind of definition, and even if i'd in a moment not find one, i'd just deliberately not agree and then later think of a reason of why is that. So while i was making problems up, i realised that being drowned in thoughts may have a bad influence on me, like specifically relationships, cause i'd be quiet and would react within myself i'd unknowingly show my face and others would interpret me as a bit of a slob. I don't know maybe i'm just a magnet for trouble just because that what i made myself to be, cause of believing it was a right thing to be this way. I mean surely some things were pretty much aligned, but there were many that make me see myself as not normal. I know that i wanted to have a serious face because of not wanting to show any kind of mood, like i'd have complete control of energies that would define me, i mean reactions within me. But as soon as i'd be on my own like in a room, all that would instantly fail. I had a special mask just for social interaction, and when i had time of my own, where i'd play with something or just spend time with whatever i allowed to exist within me. for instance i was all hyped on legos, or watching mtv or some cartoon, and i'd never exactly know how all that hype manifested, cause i didn't get that others would not allow me to do certain things, while i was completely destroyed when realising i won't get that which would seem like purposeful to me. What i'd like doing others would not like me doing it. So this conflicting theme became pretty much my mental training. To not get attached to anything basically. I was doing fine until i was introduced to drugs. Then i realised what the point was, and how inner feeling is that also influencing part of what we do. I mean i knew that me imagining something would manifest certain state of mind, but to consume some substance and then experiencing what potentials reality has to offer that was mind blowing. Actually the only thing i knew was how little i know and i laughed like crazy for nothing cause it was just stupid how the little things influence the bigger ones and instead of touching that we go with full force breaking down walls that would mean basically nothing if that one little thing that would condition it would get sorted out. I always wanted to "clear my tracks", meaning whatever i'd do i'd have a damn good reason for it, like i wanted to blame purpose, but no good deed goes unpunished, or so it seems.

During this week i had so many realisations, and i forgot most of them. It is just natural so to speak for me to fall into mind and then ponder and think and analyse and try to understand, and then here and there when i get something, when i create understanding for it, i feel bit good about myself. I have to write this in my post, i tell myself, but 5 minutes later i don't even remember what i was realising. It must not have been anything important, otherwise i'd remember, or if it was it will come around some time. I don't know, i don't even care. I do remember however how i found out that getting that foundation, where i can provide for myself not just for surviving, but also make myself happy cause of it, is what i at least imagined what i needed to not be so grumpy and left out. I mean who would have bare me like that, having a confused face all the time, not really knowing how to make myself purposeful and in the thick of it, think everything is fine and going great, because the downfall is so fast i don't even know i'm falling. Like even if i'd do, it wouldn't have much influence on my internal world. I feel lately like that. I mean in the past i knew i wanted to make myself as perfect as possible compared to the imagination of what i wanted myself to be, and i knew that some activities were completely of the charts of what is considered acceptable, i was just hiding it from specific people that would have something against it while others that were in the same pool with me didn't have anything to complain about either.

Thing is that certain things that i fall into, i don't really like doing, and despite knowing it is like in the moment of time completely non resistible, i later obviously each time regret it. No, the "stop" doesn't seem to work in such moments, sometimes it does, but sometimes it is just "i don't care, i'm giving myself this" no matter what others think of it. I mean come to think of it maybe it is just that they believe it is bad and then i believe them and thus i create a completely fictional value system within me that is not even aligned to reality. Who knows, especially when explanations go in a form of badly or not really specific ways, meaning nothing gets explained it is just "talked about" how it looks but the actual scene behind is still not known, or probably there is none.

It is kind of like my philosophising in a bar where i really get on some guys nerves, and he told me many times that i can't put/pull life into an equation, and i'd still talk about such themes because i allowed myself to accept myself as that and they have other acceptances. I have to have a good time too, though i kind of question it now since i sort of make a bad time for myself. I can't argue with logic, and if i am able to it is usually called a paradox.

I still find it funny how little changed, i still fall into reactions, but at least now there is much sooner time of stopping them than previously. Maybe process helped me and i don't even know, maybe self forgiveness did or things just passed a bit. No way i see myself being completely perfect, like i think it would sicken me, you never know where too much of something flips you to the opposite of what is aimed for. Then again this happens pretty much all the time so then it is not such a big deal. I feel much more fulfilled now than before. I don't have that feeling of being useless. Maybe i'm doing even worse for the whole lot by being who i am, but i was also told that i should undermine myself cause i'll destroy my life with such activities. It is some sort of negative judgement because of knowing i got sucked in this best wishes for me that were kind of contradicting.

If I'd explain it simply i'd say that i wanted to see if certain things would stand if everything would show itself as not supporting it really, because it is a little weird to me that reality would work in such a way where something fake would last forever while everything around it gets recycled over and over again despite it being the thing that claims to be real but never really lasts or stands long. I questioned myself many times if i'm faking it in any way. I was really careful about it too because sure was more scared of me being the thing that something fake would tell me i am, i mean that is why real is real and illusion is illusion. I wanted to make myself safe not from consequences of my choices, but from consequences of making the wrong ones. Thus i decided to wait until something happens to me again where i again won't have a choice, but that one little tiny hole to go through, simply because it is the only way out, maybe there are others but then i'm blind cause i in some moments no matter how "destructive" they were for me i really didn't see any other way. I mean if i knew what i know now i'd not change a thing. There is no point to it. We have it the way we made it. I for myself know i'm in a sort of unsorted mess, but fixing it made it ever worse. It goes just for some specific things. Thinks like my desire for relationship and at the same time wanting to do other things that i imagined won't go to well with having a relationship. So either one or the other and i chose the latter. Now you can imagine how messed up i am cause i still daydream about how i'll someday happen to have a chance of fixing the former, and the worst of it is that i am kind of scared that it may actually happen, like getting another chance at something, and then doing it wrong once more, who knows, but what would scare me most is that there would not ever be such a chance, in which case it is like with all things, first they hurt, then you get used to it, then it gets forgotten, then they started being questioned why the hell did they even hurt. And if i ask myself that it is a pretty obvious answer. I fked up, i must have done something wrong, no way in space that i didn't have a hand in it. Influence over the world we share belongs to each individual, thus i can't say "it was not my fault, that i made this for myself", as in it is their fault only. I can't imagine how painful consequence that would make if i were to be blind like that. Then it would really look like whole reality would be in my face telling me to stop doing something while i'll believe i'm doing it "right" right to the point where my foundations would start to look like a illusion than something real. Then again it is weird that in some point of time i actually asked to reveal a situation like that if it would exist, cause at the time i was too blind with love to see it, thinking knowing such a truth would set me free or get around for myself, but it didn't it only showed me how well i'm not "taking care" of what i internally create within me. Then again i keep drowning in thoughts even when i intentionally not want to, it kind of pulls me back in after some time when intents gets fulfilled for that moment but no more than that, and off i go back to where i was before i stopped. Maybe it is just more data to process cause in that stop some things happened that i was aware of which i'd otherwise not be because of taking a bath within the mind, a real brainwashing process, it is and it isn't funny that in the end i'm the one doing it to me. So yes, i though facing reality would help me face something within me, but it didn't. Like nothing outside of me can do the change that i must do for myself to me, yes - not even words. It is again weird that words build beliefs, or we try to word them and thus they then can have, but still, like then there has to be a really special set of words to influence a conviction, i just hope it is not a lie that makes something uncertain look as certain.

I was asked when i'll find myself a trailer (girl). I was getting so sick of people suggesting me to not look or look for a relationship, i just told him that i always wondered if witches actually existed and what is all the commotion about the thing, and maybe also find one for myself, and i told him that i kind of did, but then i did something wrong and i'm still getting over it. Yes, i still can't live with myself for doing some things in the past, and when he asked me if i had any sex with her, i said yeah, in my dreams. Think whatever you want about this. I had really strange life, and i can't be completely certain in my choices, so i'll stick to not repeating that intentional mistake again. And if i fail in one or the other way, where in one i'd forever long for something that is never possible, or the other way to loose that actual opportunity, i'll just eat myself a bit more and drown in my thoughts more to try and get some sense into me of why i'm so reckless with the most vulnerable of things. The loss, loss situation kind of frustrates me, but i do breathe whenever i remind myself how much i don't get about this whole thing.

I mean, if you ask me it is just about that feeling inside. From one angle its like complete give up of responsibility to let the "feeling" or "instinct" guide you, and from the other its like no empathy at all, or maybe even dangerously careless if the feeling of others means nothing, not to forget self. I don't know where the right amount of those are, but there is a enough is enough. I think that is why there may be conflict between people constantly because we make up values, not really known if they are worth to measure, but eventually we see the actual consequences of a decision. It just takes some time to wait for results. So i guess waiting my life away is a way to go sometimes. I really don't know where enough it. I'm so stuck.

Besides all this personal stuff, i looked at some not personal one which is energy as money. I just realised what the point is. Stop happens when the flow happens. So money gets printed more and more for numerous of reasons. Then if we consider that some individuals "win" all the time, meaning make profit from what they do, they can start to act responsibly and "save" that money for later if something expensive comes up to mind, or something bad happens that needs to be payed for, to be fixed. I was just told that i should go philanthropy mode to be on a safe side if i make some stupid move and hurt myself beyond compassion where that pile of money would be the thing that would fix me. I mean maybe some people just like the number getting bigger and bigger, otherwise it looks like a fail if it starts to drop, but looks may deceive. Anyway, what i think happens is that certain successful individuals manage to amount to much, maybe too much, or maybe it had to happen so that we'll realise something. And thus because money flows in a current that currency is in a way making the whole system alive, that is if we truly are complete zombies and purely conditioned on working only if we get payed for it. It's not such a big deal but responsibility and motivation are two different things that can manifest same results. Thus because it somewhere pile up it has to be taken from somewhere. Thus it is pretty much normal that money printing becomes a problem since it has to suffice to interpret how successful busyness is. Then again everything is digital now and is much less work, you just type in the numbers. I wonder if all people would want to have their spared money on paper by tomorrow, what kind of a mess it would be cause there would simply not be enough of it. But that killer won't happen, if it is that even. But i do wonder if it would behave same way as electrical current does. I mean if you have a charged up capacitor, and you make a current circuit to power up a motor, the moment of discharge of a capacitor, its voltage becomes "infinite", so infinite it can kill a man if it becomes the circuit for currency. I was just fantasising that it may happen the same to the system if lots of subsystems would decide to play Robin Hood. Actually the only problem is that if there is a release of accumulated energy, too much power can kill if there is no burden for it to be spent on. Like if all people would get money to spend it whichever they want, we would eat this planet's surface instantly, so if we'd not be careful we'd basically kill ourselves while having the intent of having it all. We'd be left with nothing. Strange it started to think that my personal problem kind of looks exactly the same, just different words of a same set up of relationships between things that influence each other. I mean if something resists, it only persists because its its job. I mean imagine that a resistor fails and all that energy that is otherwise slowly let in, in a controlled way, suddenly becomes a river without a valve to stop the currency from overflow, and thus overload. And then to think that all the values are first imagined within the mind than judged not to be undermined, or over minded, because when the trade of potentials happens it is natural that it is in a balanced way. And then to think how mind could ever be right cause even if we decide to be perfect and "measure" the right value of something real, in detail the measurement itself influences the value of something. I think it is a miracle that considering how obsessed we are with turning this in to law or some equation that would allow us to simulate, pardon predict the future of what will happen, that we are still alive. What would we ever do without money?

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 05 Feb 2017, 19:30

FEB
5
Day 816: Interpretations
Last week i spoke about this idea within myself how i should have all the physical things taken cared of responsibly, be my own man, and live in a way where i can provide for myself. The attached belief was, probably still is, that owning something physical, like land for instance one has that "right" to say this is mine, and thus no one will bother me and try to force me away from it. I mean it can still happen, it is just that the chance is significantly lower because system protects you. To put it plainly, if i were not to have anything physical that is "mine" i'd probably be grumpy that much more.

So what happened a few days later was just this reminding of myself about how i behave, mostly seeing all the negative, conflicting stuff that i create within my mind. I felt really mentally damaged. I couldn't create one good thing within me that i'd react towards with feelings. It was like losing any positive remark about anything. I couldn't see anything positive about anyone. At least for me, it was like heavy judgements and the real observation of what i became, and what the initial intent was are like worlds apart. I mean i know that there is not one being that i couldn't find something positive about them, but that day i just couldn't find anything. I was really grumpy. Which disproved my idea how having certain things would make me happy. I mean all the basic stuff was already sorted cause other people provided it for me. All i did was get myself things that i couldn't get before, and now that i gave myself that, it is not really that much of a difference. I mean the hype went away, and now i basically look for what to do with all that stuff. Intent is within me, it is just that wall of resistance, or limit that i have to decide where it is before i start creating big things out of little ones. I mean if i don't do it, all energy that i've spent on it would be kind of meaningless. And besides it is only a hobby, more like art, but with little logic involved. So yes even though i basically don't know how else i'd in a material way satisfy myself, meaning i got myself everything i wanted (mostly), i'd still not be happy about who i am, and what way of living i've decided to live for myself.

Another thing that contributed to my bad internal energetic state was a belief that there is no one that would be completely honest. Like i do care that we should be, but at least for me i know i've been holding some pieces of the puzzle back, from myself. Mostly it is cause of the fear that i caused myself with them in the past. After realising it, it was a really tough time to put myself mentally together again. I guess there is this positive thing about self forgiveness cause it lets one decide what it actually does. For me it was an intro to express stuff that i'd by my sober mind never do, but it did also bother me if this set of words makes me not worry about it anymore, while i'd still be continue doing what ever i would express self forgiveness towards, or is it more like admitting something bad, wrong, evil one may define as and then not doing it again. Lately i realised that this little tricky thing, of how i make myself believe in something is way deeper that i initially took for. What bothered me was that through common sense it was easy to see what can go through and what doesn't, it was just questioning that period of time when one decides to let something get to them, in a positive or negative way. I think i now get that this is the part that we call creation of conscience. Practically it looks like a sort of a decision within a mind to let something be worth more than some other things. For me it was having lots of Lego, and for someone else is for instance having lots of stamps, or artistic creations like statues or pictures. If i generalise that this same allowance creates our belief structures, that we kind of need to respect, and we can shape them any way we like, because even though mind is limited in some way, it is limitless in other ways, or so it seems. I mean what i believe is that one can't mind everything that reality has up her sleeve, but it can project a basic shape of how reality would have to be, to make that made up intent come true. I think no matter what one does there are always some collateral consequences, that take years to recoil back, and even then it is like hard to take notice of them, or even relate them to something we did in the past. Or at least i've found myself in such a position.

I went to court. I couldn't stabilise myself. Maybe i like me being a bit angry at how systemic things work. First thing i'd like to criticise is the invitation. It contained lots of if sentences and sentences that system would force upon me if i were not to do as i was told. So this "invitation" (it didn't look like so) really made me think how this thing would go down if i were to behave like them. First they would probably fine me, then i'd complain, then they would win and i'd still have to pay, then i'd not want to pay, then they would physically force me to. The way i'd imagine things would go down it would be them using force against me to have their "right" be done unto me. And this is where things would become really personal. Like don't people ever bother with a question that maybe once this life is over, there is like another life, an after life in which we get that opportunity to face those consequences that we want to deny ever making them. Like i've heard once that demons (in afterlife) looked far more committed in their intent than some angels that would just do good and rise up on hierarchical structure, hoping (i'm guessing) that what will happen is reach the top of the energetic food chain. I mean if people in real life did deeds (only once) that then echoed and caused like never ending revenge in the afterlife, cause i mean it is not only the intended part that plays the game. There are also not so controllable forces that make one react in a completely unaware state. Yes there are moments where "energy" can be expressed that is more acted out than really being there, but wouldn't then that beg the question that there are moments where "energy" is just expressed, not as a choice but as a natural consequence where one doesn't have to bother with ideas how intentionally one will feel happy, when we know that those moments of true happiness are usually something that one just comes across and it is not like some sort of a choice where i'd say, i'm happy and i'd honestly feel that way. I guess it is up to each individual what they decided what will turn them on. I think it is impossible to align this conscience how we warm up for things in every individual the same way. For myself i've just decided to be more open about it, and what would make one individual sick, i'd be fascinated by it. It is like fear. First you have it, then you confront it, then you don't have it anymore, but you still know that you have to responsibly be aware of parts that fear made you aware of the first time around. I mean there are limits where i too go my way and i don't care really about principles that i'd otherwise live by. It is like a matter of context what i'd do with my self. I know i've not done the best choices, but that is what testing is all about, you don't know unless you do your best, and then see how it turns out on you.

So what happened at court (i didn't want to test out the situation what would happen if i'd not go to court, i mean this people have guns to protect their beliefs, further more i think it is just that same thing as with me - they do a job they believe in, partially to survive, partially to make their dream come true) is that i made my hell a bit worse than the hell it was before. I acted the same way i'd do to anyone. I think i even objected, i also know that i lied because the story i told police officer one year ago didn't completely fit in to the story i told to court. But i mean i had same problem with this information, where a being J would talk about another being X how we'll find out about, and i'd find myself at a lack if i were not to think that this being X is perhaps me, and because i then thought each one had that same idea, and knowing that i didn't knew exactly how that was meant, like is there only one specific individual, or is there some sort of trick that everyone is actually meant by that, or maybe it was a hook that guys like me would then caught themselves on, etc. I mean what got to me was actually my own mind when i'd think about stuff and beings how they behave if a certain belief is present within them. Like i'd have really negative considerations about certain people, but on the other hand i knew i knew nothing about the thing, though i did wonder if one thing that reality has to offer, like allows to exist is better than another with regards to how we would like to experience ourselves, than there must be some top thing that just blows your mind away. Yes i was so low i had intentions of one day getting myself somewhere up. Weird thing was that i had all sorts to fears that this idea might actually be bad for me. Like i said i don't know exactly what i'm doing, but there is also that fact that some beings are more into getting somewhere in their life than others. In one aspect i did find it sick that i had such a mind set, but the thing is that reality eats you alive, no matter where or who you are, so why not try to get somewhere with this life. I mean this is especially important that it is so that all we ever did was just face actual consequences of our intents. Like things that are made up in the mind with a possibility to be realised create ripples, from a tunnel vision point of view i admit there is successful realisation of an intent, but if one looks a bit wider how that intent caused other things to change unpredictably, then the intent actually gets questioned if it was really good to wish for something to come true. I mean i kind of face such a stuck moment case, where i completely closed myself inside my little box, and don't care what i'm missing just because of following up on a few words that i was told of. On one hand it is frustrating because i know where i want to move, but in the past that proved a bit resisting, and some walls are better be left intact, I don't know if that is exactly so but i made a choice and i live it, so far successfully regarding the intent, but it mostly made me feel miserable, like i don't know if it is actual real success, or just missing out on what life can create. I don't know why i bother, only the future will let me see that when it comes to become now. But i mean, this is only my self interest i'm talking about. And from one perspective i saw it as a lie, simply because i had no proof what the hell was actually going on. On one side this attempt to become something out of nothing, and at the same time spite that idea cause i really do believe that i'm no more or less special than anyone else. It is just that we are a bit different because it is impossible to "program" ourselves the same way, and to abuse the knowledge that we want to feel good about ourselves and don't really want to suffer, it is damn hard to believe that it would ever go without such behaviour. I believe that no one really wants to suffer, i mean if i'd ever want to feel pain with a reason, it would be just to experience what that would feel like, or if i'd do something so bad i'd want me to be punished, like there was no other way that would level me back to stability. Its a tough truth, to know what may possibly be wrong and then intentionally do it just to test how things are really standing. And it is also weird that with doing that experiment it actually only compromises the initial intention even more, making it less likely to happen. I mean i don't know why this point is keep coming up. I'm aware that everything is against my beliefs, that is, if what is see is the truth. I don't even know why i'd have me having so much faith in another, but if i go the other way it would seem stupid to me to even start, or up keeping it.

I don't know why, but everything i do is somehow tainted with my own self interest, and i think that is why things most of the time don't go my way, but whatever does go with me i do take as it is. Like just because i imagined something in my mind, i'd then think it may actually be true, and at that point i'd see myself as being screwed if it wouldn't be, and on the opposite where i'd think something is not, and i'd see myself go down if i'd take it as it is. And the taint of my self interest part is always that "what is in it for me?" and to upgrade it, i used to be like that, do random good little things that would make others happy, just because i'd then be happy. Even think that some day this all will get back at me, and i don't know if it did so many times over, or under, but then again it is difficult to make things fair, especially if values are made up just like that. I know it is a touchy subject in all of its aspects, and i know that there is sort of a balancing act throughout history every now and then, but why the hell it just keeps repeating i don't know. I said to myself i'll leave my soul someplace regardless of what i do there, i'll do my best, it may mean that sometimes i'll stand and no one will be able to convince me out of my idea, if it will create conflict i don't care, i had so many of them by now it is normal that after some time passes, it is let go of the past, cause if i were to hold it dearly, no matter how dear it was, it would be me living in a memory and i don't want that for me. I've seen what one does to self when tough life moments get to them and it breaks them. There is no way to fix it but themselves. Its a real mental job. I've heard that some get broken to a state beyond repair, on a mental level. Some are not even aware of it, those that are, is a bit more unpleasant. Getting myself back to myself is like bringing self back to self, or putting myself together again. It is a common experience each individual gets to see at least couple of times in a lifetime. I mean i did have a picture for me of what i wanted me to be, i kind of admit it fits in to a certain degree, if not all. But still, what really gets to me is what happened for real. I know how i interpreted it. I know it may have been going on something completely different. I know that i may be hiding myself from something that i don't want to see, like that piece of information would make sense to why it is things go down this way, but i'll never know. Maybe preprogrammed life designs really do exist, on a much higher hierarchical energy chain level and there is no way to counter that. I don't even know if i'm a victim or the abuser. Similar thing happened with this guy that i supposedly said i bought weed from that i had to testify for or against, i don't even know who sued him. Probably the system. But the statement i gave to judge was that i didn't buy any weed from him. Then the judge told what has to be written down, and when i heard those words, i automatically interpreted them as if i were making a false statement. I don't know exactly what i told that police officer back then, but i do know that i tend to imagine a thing in my head and then run this option of it may possibly go down in the past, cause it is so real like some sort of memory, when i know that whatever i bring up in my mind is my own creation and because i didn't have any certain recollection of that actually happening i then rather denied it than to confirm it. I mean i saw B write how i'm not able to trust my mind or anything that i'd create within it, and i kind of used that excuse. I mean what if he never actually sold me anything, and i'd say as he did, and then i'd be in my unawareness only caused more suffering to another. Like how you even that out? Do they just swallow it and move on, or does it get back to you? I was really weird what kind of excuses i made up. I said i don't even remember what i spoke about yesterday, and then it all got to a point if i remember anything at all. And i asked her if she remembers what she talked about yesterday, and the judge was quiet. Also it was weird to me how my words were interpreted. I actually started to think she was not on my level, cause what i'd for instance say is that weed was smoked at this bar, and what she told to write down was that it was smoked in the bar, supposedly cause the property is considered as the whole thing inside and outside. Why i didn't like it, it is because when next person is gonna read it, one will automatically assume it was smoked inside, like all the time. And the jewel came when i was asked if the bar is still working. In that moment i wanted to say yes, but i was not there so i didn't really know and i said not. The other reason was that it was a fluke question so i automatically did the opposite what i think was expected of me to do. I may seem like a joke, and i know i may get financial fine as punishment, but before all of the rules that we made up with our minds, did nature did it intentionally to make weed so that we'd then hook up on something and then get punished for it. I think it is just more a responsible use of drugs problem, if that was used as an excuse to not be legal. But there is another way of looking at the situation. If we were to behave all nice and pro life and courts would still exist, like a profession, i think they would have to take some thing, make it illegal to then live off of it, cause i don't get where they get their salary from but from accused people that broke the law. So basically it in a way looks like bad things need to happen in order to then solve them, and suck the life out of one that did the bad thing. I'm just writing what i thought of may be going down. All i know that in the end when words didn't do the trick, physical action did. Ok, words are important too, if they weren't, we wouldn't use them. And considering my state this was the part where i blew myself up too much. Like the more i write the worse i do for myself, but i don't care, it would be useless to care. My mind was always so chaotic thing i just let it run whichever way it did. Ok sometimes it is really directed, because i felt the need to take control of it, but other times its just like, lets remember all the bad experiences and it is just so overwhelming it makes me angry at myself, and all i know i can do is to not play the game the same way. I mean even if i could, what i was thinking was that next time, if i'll get lucky with moments of opportunity i'll just do wrong again in another way. I too thought that maybe whatever i think it was wrong to do, it was actually right no matter how bad i then felt about it. Like i said there are times when i can manipulate with expression and there are times where the feeling completely drives me its own way. Its not that i want to be obsessed with control, it is just that i feel like i'm not responsible when everyone would tell me that i am.

Well then i guess i ain't responsible. Do you see this sentence as something who i am still, or just some specific moment that i was so. It still may get to me, and i don't really care what you think, but the way you'd decide how you look at such a sentence is the choice of how you'll interact with me, hypothetically speaking. This sort of thing i think ruined so many moments. I'd look at another as someone bad, when intent was to just share myself to see if they get to like me, i know i like them, i'd lie if i'd say i didn't feel something positive that i get from them, and even though it is just a feeling, and even though sometimes terrible things happen cause people get blinded by it, it is the only thing that i think makes purpose. This is only because it is limited. It comes and goes, and it takes whole lot of work to get it running. I mean if there was only pain as the feedback of what is pleasant and what not, it would still be a good enough reason to stop doing that which causes it. But no, nature gifted us with so much more. If you feel too normal and boring you can smoke a splif to then feel different and not that plain old boring stability, or have a glass of vine - rotten fruits for rotten people, as some call it. But there is responsibility to it, overdoing anything of it causes more harm than pleasure, despite it is its actual intent. Just like stability, i like myself to be serious and stable when it comes to doing some job, so even that boring old plain thing is useful. I personally thought that the point of life is to experience this plethora of feelings to see what actually influences the loss of so much desired control. The good and the bad, and i did get to experience both sides. It is just sometimes i started doubting that the way i feel is really good feedback, especially because we are able to get used to certain things and they don't harm us as much, and in a case if the feeling need to be let go of, it is even hard or not possible to do it because, and it is like it is all because of faith. Screw facts, cause i mean if each one of us to a certain extent programs one's own conscience and allows others to program it, something that might be considered fact today may prove a lie tomorrow, and then one is like obliged to describe the situation as having faith in something, even though in honesty one doesn't see way out of it. At least i don't, maybe others do, it is just me that is too annoying with what i experience.

So yeah i again hit that mental bottom where i thought absolute shit of myself, and i started saying self forgiveness again, like the mere intent of doing it to get myself out of that depressing state and then doing it made me a bit less of a weight on me. I don't know why it keeps coming back, or why i create this mental burden for me. Maybe it is cause i expect something out of myself, others do as well, and when i sum it up, its like this compilation of conflicting ideas, and i have to choose some to then realise. I mean what else is there to do besides that. And yes i did had a short era where i was just laying in bed thinking what to do so that it would be right. Pardon i was to scared to do anything. I got myself out of that idea and created a new one to live as long as it will take. So, i thought i'll never get myself out of that fear, but i eventually did. And if i proved i can somehow fix one type of feeling/emotion i can do it with any feeling/emotion. It just takes some time, cause it is still that pinch of it defining me. Maybe it is good, that way i'll never forget not to mess around too much even if it is just thinking or playing with words.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 12 Feb 2017, 21:01

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12
Day 817: At the same time
It has been an eventful week. Some good things have happened and some bad. I'm judging through what I've reacted with when experiencing experiences.

I got sort of aware that i sometimes can't resist telling what i think about certain thing when another is talking about it, and i jump into their words with mine, basically forcing them to stop and let me say what i have to say. It is really annoying sometimes that i forget, and i just have to express my point of view without even letting another finish it. I decided to correct this and next time i promised myself i'll just listen and not give any of my "insights" cause i only make others react towards me in a negative way. It is a sort of indicator that i still in minor moments don't really stop my automated behaviour. Same thing from the opposite side i realised happened when i'd listen to a conversation between two people and while one would talk, another would constantly not or say lots of yeses in order to confirm their presence and hearing the thing. I first thought it is annoying, as in overdoing that proving to oneself or another that the discussed subject is being followed. But on the other hand many times when i'd speak no one would say yeses or noes to agree or disagree with what i think about standing of things.

Another bad thing that would happen was, that one day within a week this old lady again prompted me to find myself some girlfriend. She is all anxious about the fact that supposedly a guy like me at this age has a family in mind, and within that I started to express anger cause i've found that individual as nothing ever good enough for them of who i am. It was always a constant that i got suggested or felt more as im being ordered to live a certain way, cause the way i was, was not what they had in mind is the correct way, as in me not being responsible in bringing out the point of life. It is more like i can say about the past what my point of life was with relation the things i've done, then again also about the future with regards of what i want to live up to. I got so frustrated i didn't want to speak with that individual anymore. The moment they started lecturing me, i'd just automatically react to lecture them, even though it is told that some people are too old to change, it more hurts them than support in what another thinks they should be. But i don't know the whole picture, and my talking out of my head with whatever in that moment came up again felt like only taking all the relevant information i think is and just bombard them with it. It kind of ruined my relationship with them, just because i thought i need to defend my choices. The only excuse i have is that others don't know entirely what i've went through and considering how i had a hard time seeing something positive in life within certain aspects (i did have plenty of positive reactions as well, with what i've experienced) it is still weird to me that i choose to live this way, the way i'm kind of defeated in making my self interest come true. It would be better in some cases if i'd not attach myself to certain desires, but it just seemed like the lesser evil that i've chosen and any other possible idea was just not what i'd decide to go for.

One day at work i had a really full mind (the usual), and wanted to make sense of some past events that i have a hard time inspecting, what i at the time had in mind to make me behave that way, but even though i believe i completely ruined my life, there is that point of not really knowing what else to do but to grab on to certain things and hold them like, loosing them all the so far invested time would be for nothing. It is easy to say to let go of something, but in reality experiences define me so much i'd seem stupid to myself if i were just not care about such points. Especially in this case where i saw that my relationships are not so unique, because what i've heard was that there are more such instances where two people that relate to each other live i such a way where one half of a couple would be intentionally alone, just waiting for another to experience again, while the other half does the same but in the meantime create other such partnership relations. I see that i'm not alone in such an experience and even though it is eating me on the inside, because i imagine how i don't have that luck to be with another, but then i do know that there was intentional not sharing of certain information so that the picture might not be the true one, and obviously it makes me happy, i mean if i take it as it is it doesn't. Besides wondering how the hell i create attachments within me, and then hold on to them, i don't really know, like i'm not aware of it in the moment of happening. I'll say it is just that attraction magic that is going down, but it is fascinating to me of how many points came up within me that were like even supporting more separation and me feeling good about it, and still i'd decide to look myself as evil to even think that way despite that righteous feeling that comes with it, and rather just hold to that one little positive thing that would mean the world to me, despite making my life kind of a mental hell. I don't know how it got this way. I'm guessing that it had more to do with automatic doubt, like thinking the truth to be a lie, and then once that thought is created even thought it is just a thought, it may collapse the strongest of connections. Then again it is usually a decision and being committed to it that drives someone through the thick of it, no matter how obvious it is that certain things have next to no chance of becoming true.
That is how i experienced it in a dream once. I had this opposite half of me doing stuff that i told her to do, and then once happened that she resisted and reaction within me was like i'm not being respected, like my interest are not being fulfilled and even though it was a really real felt within a dream, like something pinches you that something is not right, but i then like ignored it, it was always coming back and on that one little reaction whole conspiracy was created within me that ruined my "ideas" that i wanted to realise. It was a dream but i could relate it to reality. I mean if we are all alive and each one has one's own sense of what makes them fulfilled it is only a matter of time when best of wishes cause big conflicts. If you ask me it is just the balance of wishes and how we command, control or manipulate each other. I don't know why i liked chaos so much, it is because of loss of control, or it is because of knowing that sometimes controlling something prevents seeing if the foreseen thing is actually foreseen. It made me see how i pointlessly worry too many times. It even got to a point where i thought that i was abusing fear to make things go my way, as if i was such a good manipulator i'd know how people react towards something i say on the inside and then in a case of fear reaction abuse that for i don't know what purpose. I mean to a certain extent that might be the case, but in entirety not really. I felt once like that, like everything i lived through was actually carefully planned and in no way possible to in any way change. It was fear, lots of it. I felt responsible and powerless. I secretly wish each one would experience it, unless you already have. I mean even if it is a lie that it stands on, it is certainly overwhelming despite having fake foundations. It forced me to care about certain things. It is a terrible feeling, but it does give you "guidance" in a sense of realising that there is a limit to not caring. It is also really messy sensation. Like no matter how something is defined it doesn't stand in an extreme of that definition, like there is always something being missed that needs that care and it doesn't have it because of not being aware of it.
Each being would like to live, but for that it requires body of another being. Kind of brutal system to make life a cycle, but i did heard that one does not actually need to eat in order to live for ages. But that doesn't make sense considering physical, cause in order to move something, even if it is just your body, you have to take energy from somewhere and then invest it wherever it makes you the most happy.
Anyway during my full head day, i've worked in sort of a lazy state. Instead of ducking down to lift heavy pieces i'd just bent and use my back as a support. At first it went ok, but later at some other operation, i'd just put these moderately heavy parts in pallet, in a "bowling" manner and muscles in my back would crunch. It is much better now. While having few days off, i recollected my memory of that moment and i think i thought i had a backchat of "I'm gonna be doing this till the end of my life" and at the same moment it would grab me. Some other individual that i talked to had an opinion that it was more of a problem of my psyche than of the way i moved. I also shared my story to her about how my attempts to create, or fix certain relationships basically ruined me on the inside. She understood me, even massaged my back, and it was allot better after it. I could actually turn a bit in bed. She also talked about her hocus pocus that she lately does, and i don't know if remember correctly, she had a really weird reason why she doesn't look for a job. Some week earlier i told her that every time i'd meet her i'd tell her to find a job. But that is how life is like with a safety net under your ass. I mean she is not that bad person, but i did see myself in her, when i was in such a state where i'd just "use" the support of others to live and not create any kind of foundation of money for myself. I don't know why i see it as abusive though. But that is her life. It just kind of bothers me that if anything bad happens to her, because of the way she lives her dream, that she won't become more of a burden than that integral part of her living. I also had reactions towards her when she started talking how she can do something with her mind on god knows what level that would help me get my gears running again. It did open me up that we can do more with the mind than just think, feel and move our bodies. Like there are states of being that can influence the more "magically unseen stuff". I don't know. I just automatically doubt such stuff, i don't know why. Still her massage was really helpful. At this i'd like to express this point of how an individual would have points about them i'd feel like they are beating the wind with, and how there is something positive about them, and it is weird considering that I live this computer life of either this or that, i don't care much really how some i imagine negative points exist within another or some positive, it is like i just let them. I have enough of my own problems and intents to make happen. I mean i may be wrong and she does have the ability to rewire beings on the inside to make them work again.

Considering i had a little vacation, even though a little painful it was still alright. I just have to be careful to not ruin myself again through working it the "easy" way.

Another thing that i experienced was me sharing what i'd learn from others to some individual that expressed his internal problems. It was like sharing it the way i saw it, and later i created a worry within me that i might have not tell everything. I mean, me for instance when i started my process sorting out my reactions, i thought the end goal was to not feel or think anything, like self forgiveness would actually do that. Thus i had kind of a trouble placing myself in what i want for myself, like on one hand i had this negative part that was me being sick of others, than that positive that would want to feel compassion, and create a relation with others, but if there was no jolt to it, why would i then even bother doing it, i mean if it would make me jolly, and the point is to not react in positive or negative way, cause last i've heard was that mind doesn't care what kind of polarity it is, just that it is energy, then it would be better to not think others being a bit weird how they deal with things, or have any sort of compassion towards them cause of that weird was of dealing with problems since everything else already also proved that it is not really working out for us. I mean maybe it is how i see others as negative and then hiding it that is causing my hell, or would it be better to express what i think even if i ruin relationships and then marvel myself how i managed to become not being liked at all. I think it is good to have that leverage to accept a critic even if it is not right, i mean there is a limit of how much negative one can digest in a time frame, but to constantly do just that, hell i think i'd deliberately do that which is being criticised even more just to make another even more reactive, cause i mean it is still that holding on to something that defines a reaction. I lately thing that i should have had even more fun than i allowed myself, then again the amount i had feels like not being worth anything, so how could a bit more of it be worth anything more. But it is like that, no matter how i recall my memories i'm not able to feel the same way about them the way i felt at that time. It like fabricating if i'd try to recreate that fear i felt towards whatever was going on. I admit that depression sometimes gets to me, but it is at least not as intense as it was. From one point of view i felt like so egocentric that someone created attachments to me (even thought that was my intent) and then when i deliberately ignore the thing felt like really bad evil unlike anything i'd imagine myself to be, and would then battle with totally different picture of how others see me as this joke, like a nobody and that thinking that another might actually create that "dependency" through being attached to me, is just believing that i'm that good when it is just a nice story to keep myself entertained with when in reality no one would really care, ok maybe those around me, but the people i attached myself on wouldn't, after all this indeed can become abusive. Even though i thought it actually looks that way in some points, i'd just say that if i ever have any idea how to make my "dream" come true, i'd probably already done it, i'd not manipulate, i'd just thought up a way i'd think would work, while considering it may not. I mean why would i want to create something genuine that i'd feel good about, while knowing that it has a fake foundation. I believe such a thing would not hold together long.

I mean if this reality has some sort of sinister intent behind it, like utmost evil stuff that would cause it to be like it is, isn't it strange that it can exist so for aeons of time, cause according to my theory it should have not even existed, and yet it does. That is what bothers me most. Why is it that i have this much doubt that any thing that is done in the name of whatever, and always look at the bad side of it, like the negative that is being caused due to such intents.

One strange thing i noticed was how i still interpret simultaneous happenings that don't have anything connecting them. Few days past i talked to a friend how unlucky i am in my relationships feats, and how all attempts proved that i don't know how to deal with such situations, and at the same time his mom hit window with some stick or something on the inside. I interpreted some external event that happened at the same time as my words were pronounced as a sing that i talked bullshit, and that in truth i can be really happy how lucky i am to have and have had the relationships i had, and all that sorrow, sadness and worry is just actual lies that i tell myself that they are true. So two simultaneous random events, get a nice interpretations in my head. Something completely unrelated resorted my brains in an instant to see it differently. It is so unreal to think that way i think, but if just some random nudge that happens triggers me to create such theories, then i guess it is really random stuff as some sort of by-standing effect that makes one see the bigger picture, than the one initially considered.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 19 Feb 2017, 19:36

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Day 818: Completely off track
Lately I've been felling kind of different. I no longer allow myself so easily into conflicting sensations within me that are caused with conflicting information. I reckon, parts where i "filled up" some holes to make sense of my experience, with a what probably happened, must have been the cause of it all. I knew i was making some things up regarding dreams, to make the story make sense why it got to a point where i'd in reality theorise how i "hate" mages. It was sort of a conclusion long ago when i really thought about how things might have gone down to cause such results, but all in all i did always believe in "unknown" influences and despite not really caring to look for such points, as in finding some sort of an excuse to then blame that one thing for everything that is really going on. I know i developed some strange approaches to life. One of the most common thoughts that i kind of worked over was that no matter what one would educate me in, i'd try to find a better or at least a different way to develop understanding for whatever information was being shared. Soon after it started to not matter how things were being shared. I say this because some of my "school" was pretty rough and considering that the end result is to know, understand and accept something, i asked myself many times why such extremely different approaches are taken when there is a lesson that suppose to be learned, and it mostly had to do either me just going with it, not one doubt, or not willing to believe it. Based on that i made conflicts with people or strengthen my relationship with them. It is strange that end result is the same yet some paths lead down and up or up and down.

I say this because i ruined some potential relationships with people that would share information and i had natural reaction of resistance towards it. It was said that it was just programmed that way. I had my own explanation, that i really didn't have a choice but to accept something and just not argue about it, even though arguing seemed like a reasonable choice at the time. One individual said once to me that there is no need to believe everything other people say. It kind of always stick with me. Well if the broad picture looked coherent it made no difference in me, but sometimes i'd get so hung up on details, i'd literally see how i annoyed others with my search for accuracy, when determining how things really stand. But that is just it. I don't know why i made up all these possible reasons, that i don't even know if they are true and then limit myself with them even to a point where things that i dreamt for myself to experience literally never came true. I know it is because I wanna look right, or be right. It is a kind of right that is actually really in effect, like naturally, not some idea of this is how we should be and this then is everything. Constant looking for philosophy to make sense of things only did partial job of making myself feel calm about me that i'm doing good enough. I know it is weird because I've been reflecting on some stuff that i've said and i find myself quite strange that i'd get myself to such situations. Maybe it has to do with the constant need for inner experience to feel fulfilled, like on a drug train to feel good about myself, while now that some time passed and i look at the memory, i know i need a face-palm to give to myself about myself, cause i do find it ridiculous how i behaved in situations whenever my ego felt like it is harmed. I mean i can't change what i said. Most of it are just thoughts that sounded awesome, while some other things that kind of really happened and i don't know how they still haunt me here and there.

I see this when i'm working, and the cycle of process i do is really short and it repeats many times, so movement is kind of automatic, and while that "automation takes place" i tend to get myself lost in the head so much i literally stop working. I do try to recollect myself in these moment, and it is working pretty fine with breath. Damn it, i even say self forgiveness here and there, thinking it might actually do something to me, while i know it is just discipline that i have to develop for myself and then live, so that i won't loose time, be more focused on what i'm doing and on top of that do more work in the same amount of time, when if i'd stay locked in my head, stuck in some thought that has nothing to do with logic, and be just blank because of not knowing that missing piece that would make sense of the story. I've been again thinking too much. Like i feel i completely failed in my attempt to perfect myself, if that perfection meant having control of my mind and not letting it go on a trip to imagination land. I mean practically is only shows as not so precise work, or maybe no work at all because of being baffled by the mind. But my own grade is that i still do somewhat OK.

Another thing that i was wondering about was shaking of my hands. I've many times been asked why my hands shake so much. I had many beliefs about the point but didn't believe one of them. Well actually there is one but is the most complicated one, so reality is the only thing kind of showing it. I mean maybe there is some other cause but generally i believe in theory of impacts and how parts prohibit freedom of movement in certain direction and allow it in the other. I imagined many times how all these things like radio, sound, light, shock, waves, etc move. It is actually just a fluctuation of matter on same spot, or around the same spot, and one theory was that my hands were shaking due to not having "calibrated" autopilot for keeping my hands steady in one place, and actually it is common problem with all autopilots, and it is that it seems they go in a straight line, but actually regulation system makes whole thing move a bit left and right from the apparent perfect line that autopilot should have caused to happen. So considering that human body is also a machine it is just a problem of muscles where for instance top muscle would pull too much and the lower one would then have to pull back to keep hand in place and this happens all the time. It is like up and down movement of a normal balanced regulation. To what i know it is impossible to make it completely straight. Reason for that is that the observed system is inside a bigger system that is influencing the movement of the hand. It kind of sounds like i want to blame all of my surrounding for my shaky hands, that is not even that drastic, cause the fact is that there are many people with the same "problem" and it doesn't really bother them. It bothered me only cause i needed a problem when there wasn't any, or maybe there were such huge ones, this one served me as scapegoat, from egoistic point of view, cause i mean surely there are lots of problems in the world, but i just don't wanna meddle myself in them. Anyway back to the topic of shaky hands.

I also reckon that whenever those readings are done with the pendulum, the thing swings exactly because of those influencing movements of environment. At first sight it looks like the person doing the prediction is having still hand, i mean they do in a certain spot, but i bet the whole thing shakes, and swirls around that point with a really small displacement and that is what gives the energy to the pendulum that then starts to randomly spin. Actually it does make kind of a sense that whatever vibration hand is picking up and then the pendulum magnifies it, and now the only question is what is the source of it, cause literally pendulum is only a conduit to "sum" up all those tiny forces. I mean i do see how whole thing may be working, cause it has to be a cause and effect. Even the witnessing of such readings people say they do fit into the picture. So i guess that if something outside may be causing a vibration, we on the inside are also doing it. Just as environment is affecting us, we affect the environment. And that is with pure thinking, if thoughts really create energy and then the thing just goes towards its destination while the "loss" of energy on the way there are actually those vibrations that "escape" original signal and just move until some other vibe completely distorts them.

The reason why i write this is not because of my hands shaking, but more because of my back pain due to a crunch. It is interesting how different people explain it their complete different way when i asked them why it happened. Absolute faith that they are correct is also present, and all of them agree that they think they are right, yes some know they are, so that those of you won't feel left out. One individual said it was due to psyche and mental stress. I thought it was because i didn't move myself responsibly and i simply overburdened some muscles and they tore a bit on the inside. Another individual said it was due to cold wind that here and there came by, and it on a back can stiffen muscles and if one moves them too fast, if they are not warmed up they hurt. I mean so much different info describing the cause and effect mechanism, each one of them apparently correct yet all different. I thought that some people may believe lies, but then i figured that from certain perspective they are all indeed correct. For instance me as a stressed mind tend to not consider what i'm doing, i just do it with less focus, more or less the first thing that comes to mind and that could be the cause for my inappropriate movement that harmed me. Cold wind is such a common cause people say i kind of agree with the logic of cold muscles not being so flexible as warmed up ones are. And then there is ego, where i want to lift some things just to "prove" to me that i can and it kind of screwed me there. I'm better now, but i did realise the potential of making many different reasons together does make a sense for them to be real or true, like this is how the whole thing functions. I'm not generalising but for this particular event it did make sense to me in the end even though at the start there was really just pick and choose which one is the most influencing one.

I wanna fix my "expression" here on a point of believing in every lie, even when it is obvious something doesn't fit. One of the reasons was that maybe what i think is a lie is actually the truth, and if i make action that i allow to be influenced with what i believe in meaning taking the truth as a lie, then my action would in common sense not deliver pleasant results that i'd anticipate. And in another way i did see a potential in me being harmed due to believing a lie, but i mean if eventually they (lies) get through a phase of revelation it is just showing that i liked it to be a way where that lie i believe in is the truth. I mean maybe all the lies put together, make up the whole truth, but it is just too complicated to piece them together because there is not only one process of cause and effect, more or less many of them going on simultaneously and affecting each other, which is impossible to calculate and predict, but the substance itself. We can guess proximity of how "right" or "wrong" we are but in the detail, and to be really perfect, may be a bit annoying to observe. I guess for certain situation it is worthwhile, but certainly not all, unless it is just natural to become that way. I don't know i got carried away a bit.

I'm sleeping during the day and at night i have fun with some internet friends and the rest is just work. It is like this whole cycle with repeat for some time now. I haven't got any ideas at the moment that i feel like realising. House, work, work, house. Here and there i take a walk to ventilate myself. My biorhythm is complete chaos. All i care are that i appear at certain hours on internet if i have time, and that i appear at work, which is kind of a must for me. The rest is pretty much aligned to those two things.

My secret mind also judges others making pros and cons about people, but i mean it is more just naturally occurring while observing and being "critical". It is not like the only thing i think about.
About those negative back chats, all i can say is that there is really no problem for me to imagine up what problem another has. Problem is that i never really liked, or maybe lately i allowed to indulge in my imagination and expressed my point of view, which was naturally cruel and the only reason i did that was because i didn't care about potentially ruined relationship. It was just my thought how another had something negative about them or tainted or wrong, whichever, and i spew it out right into their face. It is annoying to me because i know for myself that i'm really not in some points which i'd initially set myself to be, like cultivate myself to be a certain way i'd find "perfect". So it is heartbreaking for me to school another what is wrong with them and what they should do while knowing i myself is not completely right in everything i indulge myself into. Like the only thing holding me back from becoming a complete ass is having a time finding good opinions about another, and i let that balance out the imagined negative. I mean for all i know, i could be the one that is wrong, and i don't even know about it. It is really not hard for me to argue with people. It is just that i rather not touch such subjects because it would only ruin relationships, not that i want them, ok maybe some, it is just better to not have conflict with other people.

As it recently happened i realised i interpreted a certain instruction for a certain machine in a way that would limit my capabilities. I realised that certain minimal changes contribute to better results. It is only not respecting instructions in a minute way. To put it plainly, when i hear theory, it all sounds so simple and logical. When the practical thing happens the belief in that theory is restricting me, cause i believe in my interpretation so much i don't even bother to try and understand additional aspects that also contribute. I was really lucky this week i figured out such a simple thing for my work, when at fist i was really scared cause i didn't know how to deal with the problem. When i tested out some other similar but in detail different ways it worked perfectly, while at start i'd have problems making the process function the way it suppose to and was anticipated.

So even though i'm kind of lost in my own chaos i feel much better when at the start of my process i was fully confused. I guess I've made some mental progress on myself. I'll see what time will have to say. But bottom line is that the more i inspect my past actions, the more i understand certain things that when meeting them first time around didn't make any sense and caused conflict within me. And i wanna apologise for saying how people behave when they have a safety net under their bottoms. I think I'm still like that too, so maybe i'll take a look at that for a while. It is just words that make "sense" at the time being created, and now they don't. Maybe such expressions are a good indicator of being lost in something. I mean how it is that at the time it feels like so righteous and super, but when some time passes and mind morphs just a bit, the said past makes no sense what so ever, and the opposite when something for the first time heard in the past didn't make any sense and now it does.
Maybe it was just me being obsessed with the fact that i have to prove myself to others that i contributed something for the apparent illusion of progress, especially because most of the time i daydream how i'd do things like cuddling and being consumed by illusion of a computer pc game. It is more or less about the inner experience, like i don't know if they are natural or programmed, it just a legitimate drug to feel happy about what you do, while knowing it is just for self. like a bit egoistic.... And that is why i wanted to say like i did things in the past, like there there is again ego wanting to feel good about some maybe good doing. I just saw myself as a nuisance to this world. Maybe i had a bit of social phobia. It is just that feeling when you talk to masses and some that take your advice, don't manage with it well and what happened in the past was that i had to listen to bad stuff because i according to their experience said bad stuff to them. That is why i really have a hard time saying anything to anyone what they should or should do. I say try it and revel or suffer the effect. I try to only share experience when i'm told to, and if i know what i'm talking about. I still can't believe some bullshit i told others with such energy and stride as if it was true, then again i could say i only wanted to humour myself, but it is not so funny in a case where i actually believed it to be real.

Cause i mean what baffled me most about life is how cruel it really is in this process of recycling, food chains and other painful stuff, and within it all, all i'd at least want to experience is pleasant stuff, no pain. I mean if it comes to it people eat people to extend their time, or not feel hunger or whatever, and then at least i had such blissful ideas how nice society it would be while at the core it is still this same system where some beings willingly sacrifice themselves for other beings to eat them, and some beings that force other beings into submission and eat them when the time comes. I guess knowing this always shadowed my mind a bit and would have doubt in "good" intentions. Its not like i'm consumed by this negative thing, i know i can have fun with the most banal thing, it is just that sometimes i try to express respect within me, the feeling of it towards whatever it is i'm observing cause what is most conflicting about it is how there is this side where i'd consider love towards something that enables me life, and while at it i actually destroy that thing, and i don't get how love and murder of any living being, yes even a plant, made up to make up such a way of life. I mean if i drop that sensation of respect and knowing how i really don't have anything sinister, like evil within me when i eat a piece of meat, yet by buying that product i support for some life really destructive actions, despite there not being any energetic motivation but to not suffer hunger. I mean a butcher in butchery is just doing his work, and no matter how ugly it actually is i bet he doesn't let anything get to him, so that he can prepare the food for others that buy it. I know a story how one such person committed suicide cause he could no longer bear the sight of all missed shots of a nail gun, and how life stock then suffered his mistake. They changed the law after this event, and only use electroshock from then on.

I don't wanna beg the differ but somehow i find this procedures of how we influence ourselves and each other, also kind of gore procedure, and even thought it is on a mind level, i can't shake that idea that this is just beating around the bush, while at the core it is only who gonna profit from whom. Like there is this unseen trade of everything basically between all people. Either we trade with good or bad words, or products, or energy, I don't understand how equality could be ever manifested out of this, unless we somehow equalise life experiences of all beings, meaning one day i'll have to be some cattle and some other day i'll tell everyone else what to do. I at least imagined that way to be "fair" and we would all have similar experiences so no one would argue about not getting that or this. I mean because if we somehow manage to manifest such cycles, where roles would exchange just to keep the wheel running, then all that would be left conditioning our experience is what makes us tick. Cause i mean you can lock me in a room with a computer and a nice pc game illusion, and i'll be happy, while some other people would go berserk on you even speaking about it. Then again that already happened and in the end the real problem was how to balance out each intended action to a system that would each time action is taken rearrange itself to be in balance with that action, but naturally it was the system that wanted to be kept in check, yet even sole checking it would change it and it again become something a bit different than what it was initially imagined it would be. In the end beings would look like those babushka dolls. Inside soul would be the being. Inside the body would be the soul. Inside some "RoboCop" would be the body. I wonder what will happen when we find out that even metal is not permanent. In what will the "RoboCop" be in?


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