Ambrož's journey to life

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 26 Feb 2017, 21:45

Day 819: Reasonable possibilities
As it happened i came to face that point of trust again. It is weird that most of the conflict i had inside of me, well i occasionally still allow myself to participate in, is due to trust issues. I mean here i am on one side believing that most primal thing that allows us to survive is actually really negative. This is with regards to "life eats life" and the circulation of it. Like no matter what kind of business i deal with it in the ends, ends up being more compromising than gifting to me. Than again i do get to "extend" my extra time to exist as a physical being. On the other polarity i am aware that is it simply impossible to exist solely as that negative extreme, because it is strange too, but i much rather experience good than bad things. I don't even want to know how i ruined relationships with other people.

What happened was that i again come into interaction with a certain topic that considers everything that i consider as "magical", meaning witches and mages, all those fairy tale professions that i had such a negative opinion towards. As i found out, each one of us is actually capable to of such to me still not understood things that play in the background. I'll leave the information that what each one of us is actually dealing with most of the time is one owns being, cause the way i understood this sentence was that there is nothing else now but the mind of individual that one deals with. Like there are no more background connections only connections with oneself, thus whatever one creates is purely their mind or them creating it, there is no influence of other beings on the behind the veil level.

This is pretty abstract to me because all i can do is imagine how tangled up and complicated certain things are deliberately made to be in order to hide some simple fact that is really behind the intent of participating in such activities.

I'll look it from a perspective that there are still those background connections and what i said up above with them is not true. I was told certain things about me through a messenger that i only knew and was really at the point where i knew i couldn't any more lie to myself about existence of such esoteric things. Some of the points i was faced with i had a hard time recollecting memory about them. I felt like i'm making memories that never happened up to fill in the reasonable blanks. And on the other hand there were pieces of a story that revealed to me not so new problems, and even thought i thought that maybe unreal information is being shared to me, I wondered why i still take others as if they wanted to harm me with lies, like i'm not lying to myself enough. Cause why would i take on only half of the package that is true, and half that i think it might not be, and then make one that gave me that info look like they wanna trick me into something. Of course i'll only take all of it or nothing at all. Otherwise the picky tactics make me look like i don't have any kind of integrity at all, if I consider the whole package, that way i at least seem like i have some.

Points that i have to fix for myself are pushing myself down, authority issues, and still letting go of some things or more like thoughts.

Thing is that each one of us is capable of doing certain things, if not all. The way i imagined the scrip and i'd seen it happen many time is fear of being replaced by some other being that would do my job better. I'm speaking figuratively, but throughout history it was quite common that when the person on top started feeling fear of being substituted by someone else that did the job equally good or even better, they would remove the threat in order to not loose their position. I think that is why i in a way feared success, because if i'd become too good at something i'd simply be eradicated. I know that pushing each other down is quite common, meaning there may be simple statements that would disprove each other and creators of those words would each support their opinion more. Fix for me was that i'd have points that i'd most trust and stand with them, and in other occasions i'd let go and let the idea of another take place where i'd have my own. It is a sort of balance to my opinion and by my opinion. I know i've been obsessed about being right in some things, as if that would bring me some sort of recognition, but i would never be able to stand myself if i'd constantly have things my way. One reason is that it would just take too much responsibility on me, and the other is that there is a likely possibility that others would simply not let me do things only my way.

I mean, how i interpret these sort of relationships is that the one that is giving another orders is in the superior position and the one taking them is inferior. So there is sort of no way to make it equal, and we all know that there are more ways of solving one problem and we don't wanna test each individual idea that might possibly work out, unless it may actually happen, but what causes me discomfort is that i perceive that i'll always stay in such an inferior position if i don't somehow make up for it. I mean i don't want to constantly be "inferior" not having any say what so ever what would please me, and so i most likely in the past went into a conflict with another being that i then lost and it affected my behaviour. Like after that one lost battle, just because of wanting to be the "Alpha male" within the group, and then not achieving it supposedly contributed to see me as something of an inferior being. It was in kindergarten, i don't remember it, but i do believe the source simply because if i didn't i'd see myself as spiteful towards them, and i don't wanna go into such conflicts with other people that manage the behind the veil scenery.

These two points with regards of climbing the stairway to being a leader in some top position, kind of stuck with me after the session. Cause one realisation is that there is an inherent tendency to rather succeed than fail, and what else can become of it but to move up the scale of influence in the hierarchical structure. The other opinion i had was that i'm actually completely against it and i "punish" myself with feeling hate towards myself because deeming it so that this climb is what actually creates the gap between the beings where one is suddenly more than another and equality goes out the window. I even thought that if i have this secret desire to rule "the world" like i'd be doing most disgusting things to get there, i don't know why if such a possibility would exist i'd feel terrified of having any influence at all. As if i'd only cause bad things happen to me in the long run if i'd be too ambitious of attaining and keeping up such a feat. And if i don't there are many more that would. What would actually be most cosy is that we'd just have each other as equal beings and there would be so much less conflict about what to pull through and what not.

Some other points that were mentioned to me make me feel like exactly a kind of person that would strive for better position, eventually top one, but would do so in secrecy with a method of simply doing it best i could and this would then cause me to climb the stairs. It is just that fear that people would envy me and got rid of me because of being a threat to their status. In the mind it is so easy to imagine such battles for authority. In reality it is, I imagine a bit more tricky.

One such point was with regard to a story where this spy that worked for a big religious organisation, infiltrated some smaller one that refused to pay taxes to the big one. He managed to become the head of sect and as time passed managed to create a war and stated that some other individual knew he was lying when he in fact didn't know he was. The other individual was killed and the individual leading the sect also along with its every member within that war. As i'd put myself in the shoes of that leader i imagined what positive or negative reasons he had to act that way. Negative one was that he simply wanted to control things, not only within the small sect but in big religions group also. The positive was that it was so predictable that if you stepped on the toes of some high ranking person, the only possible sentence was death. I mean look it from the point of fear of loos and how everything that would threat the position of top shots would be cast aside before it would grow too big, and so i'd think that the lie was actually a test for those at the top to really live the words they preached, because in a scenario where they would actually live those words it would mean nothing to them if the person on top would loose everything, but instead the liar that didn't know he lied got killed with everyone else.

What really frustrates me within all of this is how i wanna share my views in order to maybe influence and change others with my words, but at the same time i believe it will never be working like that cause there will always be some that would be a bit more ambitious, and some that wouldn't want to bother with such things. I'm just generalising. How actually such things function i have no idea, and with regards to how bad people some are, i realised it simply couldn't go any other way. Decisions backed up with survival in a dog eat dog world just wait for consequence to manifest and then learn from them. I mean it is a bit egoistic to end a being to not be troubled by it within reality, but as the things unravel i actually realised that it only makes matters worse. And why? Because we don't want to be responsible for the conflict that recoils back to us. It is natural to fight and win the day, yet somehow i fail to see how well this fits into the bigger picture because, i don't really know but rumour has it that this world is pretty messed up. So messed up, it actually messes big parts of itself like weather for instance. I think that these unnatural fluctuations of climate tend up causing loss of crops and things like that. It happened a couple of times now. I'd not be surprised at all if it becomes more often as the years pass by. I mean do we really pick the right choices in such minute detailed moments that end up causing such havoc? How can a right choice (i know we have no idea how things will turn out after action) cause so much wrong? I don't know what i don't know yet, but i'm sure as hell won't tell anyone what to do, it is just too big a responsibility to face consequence of mind made up suggestions that have really limited perspective of what will actually go down.

Or maybe this existence is made in such a way where it supposedly allows such endless conditions, but i do wonder if the never ending source of energy is really never ending. Like there being a bottomless barrel from which energy constantly flows out. I'd more likely believe a theory that the seemingly endless source of energy are beings which just manipulate it they way they want to. Like it is just re-circulation process going on on energy level and only thing beings are actually capable of doing is directing energy because they are it, and energy does the direction of everything else that is conditioned by it, which is according to some theory everything, since everything is made out of it.

Another point that opened up was with regard to relationships and all i can say is that i made too many backups of limits in order to fit in into my idea of what should be happening in order to make it happen. I don't know how much i compromised my idea of what my life should really be like, but i did realise that the main issue of conflicts within relationships is about who get to tell who what is the right thing to do. Because what tends to happen that scales of who is more responsible tend to pick a side and when another side gets fed up with all the orders they tend to revolt towards an already "natural" state of those who are completely comfortable with directing things, and when one doubt in their "right" to direct things occurs it completely ruins their "never-ending" picture of being respected. When the word fight begins the only way to stop it, is to simply stop it.

I have my own version of this unsolvable problem, i did write about it some time ago. Its more i imagined it how it must have happened. I imagined i was this being that would look inside of me and see everything i could create. Some of those things were really good, and some really bad. What i'd do is pile up all those negative things and separate myself from them, meaning what would be left is all good me and the dark simply got lost in the dark. Then came a realisation that the dark bad thing might come back to haunt me and because it was aware of itself and everything that was before it became like that (maybe the bad piled up all the good stuff and separate itself from it), meaning when it was still one intact being could see itself as creator of the light. Who made who, i don't know but it did manifested a never ending struggle for good to cover up its bad deeds and the bad that wanted the good to look bad. Point was that each of the being had a capacity to choose what it could be. There was no particular law in place that would define them, it was just what is possible to create. It was more about finding out the laws if there are any.

So no matter how good i'd see myself i'd have this backdrop that i'm forgetting how bad i can be, and if i were bad i'd then up my ego with beliefs that not everything i caused was such a calamity. I brag with bad things here but some things i did in the past were more to do with wanting to prove that i can oppose the very thing that would give me purpose and an enjoyable existence purely because i had my own way of seeing the picture. I mean it was just details i argued about that eventually snowball in this complicated thing i can't unravel.

On one hand i know that some things might need a little push, and on the other they have to happen by itself. I mean it all depends on individuals and their patience, and impatient person would push for an outcome, and patient one would let it happen by itself. I have no idea what is the right amount of both, but considering what i was told of who i was in my past lives, and what i wanted to achieve, i now have really no idea how to proceed with fixing these things. Like only thing i know is that i'll have to fix or make up for it, but it also requires another, because otherwise it is really pointless for me to try and influence them in anyway cause they will just stay the same, or maybe bad things fade out through time. The way i see my situation is that i made wrong moves while thinking that they were right and some i was able to fix, some were just not possible to. Or maybe already are, i'm just stuck on some belief that i think is relevant. I mean one can't win every time.

Having some freedom to do things i like and make my life jolly and then in other situation having none at all, like do or perish. And i must not forget about luck, it is much simpler to say a bit of luck needed than having all collateral consequences here and there manifest almost harmony with regards how well they play out.

And considering that i can imagine things in my head that are not real, and then seeing the difference of what i imagined myself to be and the description of another, is in a way shameful for me to nail my self so up high in my head when what really happened was just some way of how things turned out to really be, and that is that. I don't really bother. I know i saw myself as if i were missing on something and that i have to not miss every opportunity, like others would laugh at me if i were not take it, and then i'd imagine the opposite of others laughing at me for thinking that i'm doing the right thing when it wasn't, especially when it comes down to prophecies and stuff like that. I mean one kind of prophecy is when one makes it happen deliberately, and another is when one calculates it with all the calculable events that is made out of. It is just that random things make it more alive, like it gives proof that not everything is pure logic like machine that wants to be brought to life. Cause i mean we are predictable it, is stupid to think that we'd compete for who gets to suffer more, and yet such people do exist. I think they loose it and start doing harmful things to themselves, like searching for proof that they can do whatever they want, even if it is something that is completely against themselves.

I had a weird dream the other day where there was this robotic arm that started being aware of itself and he lost it. Only thing i did was manage to get the tool off of it and then let it drill itself into platform that was fixed in. Like those alive spoons and knives in that Beauty and the Beast cartoon, only that it was a robot that was fixed and had a bit more mobility, while being fixed there. Don't ask me how but it looked alive. It's just something....

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 06 Mar 2017, 10:51

Day 820: Messy mess
What I can't believe s how in life comes this "downfall" where everything goes wrong and no matter how hard it is worked on it, it still goes bad. I don't get why in such cases i tend to create "promises" to myself of how i'll behave in order to not again spawn such compromising moments for me. It is crazy to think that some people told me that i have to walk through shit in order to create myself more resistant to it. On one hand supposedly i push the limits of what i can endure and on the other i give myself an open door to have an even worse experience of it, because apparently "I have to" learn my lesson. I don't get it, honestly. I mean i do imagine that i had to do something wrong to trigger the cause and effect consequence, or maybe it should be better to blame someone else for my experience and run away from such individuals as far as possible.

So i created a bit of a back draft for me. One idea was that there is this "one" that i have to find in order to fulfil my promise to myself to have only one relationship partner. In absolute if that wouldn't hold i'd suppose i'd had many, but that also doesn't smell nice to me because i get a feeling that no individual is ever gonna be good enough for me, so i rather just be alone than to get somewhere into a relationship, then find out how it is just not it and then get out. Apparently I also believed myself too much on a point that i already have such a connection i only have to find it in life. So this kind of imagination really compromised my life. I mean on one hand it is obvious that it is better to stay with a partner no matter how bad it gets, and on the other if it gets really bad it is better to separate. What really bad is, i don't know but I've heard some stories. Anyway i really think i got it completely wrong by wanting to do i don't know what in order to get in touch with such a supposed individual cause one simple reason and that was "possibility of an eternity" and once i found out i'm not exactly what she's been looking for i kind of stayed attached believing myself that she is still "the one" for me and that if i find anyone else i'll be breaking that promise to myself about only being with one being for the rest of existence... You can laugh all you want but i literally ran away from any opportunity i got to create a relationship with. To put it frankly i felt lots of fear each time i'd feel another woman was trying to get in "touch" with me. Yes i did thought that maybe i was cursed a bit, or there was some kind of magic on me, but it is really nothing compared what happened later.

Some individual saw my "drop down" state and came to offer me help. I thought there is no way to make things worse for me (cause usually that is what i think when help gets offered, that things will only get worse) and of course i said yes, please help me. I think of it as my eye of the needle, where i don't have a choice. I mean of course i did, i could simply blow it all away and never deal with what i wanna deal with. I mean it would be just another unfulfilled self interest in an ocean of them. This help that was offered was relating to esoteric. I know i've expressed my anger to any such points. Mainly it pisses me off cause all i feel about it is how everyone only talks and then things were suppose to move somewhere. It is like talking will save the world, even though i imagine it only ruins it more. But you know how misaligned my imagination is. I wonder if there is god and it uses its, what is it about it that never fails to nail it. Anyway i've put my imaginative hate towards magic aside, and i did not try to wonder in my fear when i faced my help. It came in a form of words, cause that is supposedly the only way people with powers have to communicate with people without them. And yes i did wonder how a few words would supposedly help my situation and i was right, they didn't, it only caused me to have more questions and in the end i was left with exactly the same kind of imprint as with some other guys and gals I've met earlier in my life. Please don't take it personally, it is just that this time around it is my own family that presented this same "problem" for me. And i couldn't have behaved the same way again. What happened was that I decided to believe what i was hearing, and apparently each human being has the capacity to meddle in such esoteric capabilities.

What i let to happen was a reading of my soul. Apparently everything a being does gets stored in a soul so soul is like a book that is written or a rom of a computer. Basically there is nothing that would not imprint into it. I was also told that a certain intelligence agency had people (maybe still has) that would do these readings for them. I don't know what good or bad can come of it but hell if fear motivates people so much, i wonder where is the limit where it stops being a relevant excuse to make things happen.

I was told that a one year old child has capacity to create curses on other individuals. When i was told about what happened in my life it was such a mind blowing experience to hear such accuracy only to know that it is shared in order to believe the rest of the package that comes with it. Otherwise it was pretty useless by itself. Don't take it personally i just like to think of purpose of things especially when they seem to have none at all. By the way the best sharing of information is giving false rumours, like i'd talk to one person, but what i'd really like is for this third person to hear it. Why i don't know, maybe to get back at them or maybe to think it a joke, or to meddle them a bit more. But when i'd think i myself is in such a situation, id soak that rumour up and then share it with all the bliss, not really but still. Supposedly every other channel is not worthy of being trusted except this one i was really trying to hit on because of believing in someone (me) too much. So in a way you don't have to believe me saying this, but supposedly i was more times a woman than a man. As a man i was a spy in war, i had this girlfriend. I told so many lies to the "enemy" i got lost in them and somehow i pulled my partner into it. I and her got tortured to death. She is kind of stuck in some dark dimension still... One life i was a prisoner, i wanted to be put in a solitary confinement, i was renounced. I decided to make one guard a friend of mine and then i killed him cause i knew that would put me in a solitary cell. One life i was a Hindu, I was married to a wife that tortured me cause she believed that i believed that i was superior to her. When she decided to prove to me her superior will by cheating on me i decided to end her life. Fear of her guards no longer proved to be an effective limit for me to move within. As a woman i was a prison. I got raped by the prison caretaker, got pregnant and my child taken away. I decided to live the idea to not have any more sex with anyone.

I already wondered why such bad experiences were told to me. I mean was there any good ones within them or is life just about suffering and telling others how nice it is otherwise. Also the apparent fact that there is no specific sex determinate that would define us what we are in essence, cause apparently i can become any gender or race when i incarnate the next time around. Also this idea about having an eternal commitment went down the drain after hearing how many relationships i went through. I was especially touched by this "spy" one cause i sort of caused my partner to suffer and at the time of hearing it i really thought about myself and how i managed to be so senseless. I mean to ruin one relationship and then just not put effort in it to fix it, and moving on to the next one, I kind of wonder how this karma works cause what i go through now is like a paradise while feeling that i don't deserve it at all. I mean even if i tend to imagine what happened before i mostly think that i kind of caused such scenarios to happen to me. Meaning not that i'd entirely know what would happen but i was one of the causes to make my experience such.

What is weird is how after hearing all this and some other things i also got a 21 day homework. And magically i have exactly the same resistance as i had with doing the SF thing. It actually doesn't bother me so much the fact that i do something another tells me. Like showing my respect for the cure that another gave, or even let my will be the will of another, meaning set myself inferior and all that, what bothers me most is that fact that i feel like just something when doing SF or when i'll do my homework for this new thing. I don't feel genuine, it is like just another of many bullshit scenarios. I mean it is like going to church and then praying to God when you know that no matter how well the words sound and there is a real intent on an energetic level to really express that belief it is just not genuine. As if the make up of a mind would prevent me to ever genuinely express that genuine respect for made up ideas that are product of imagination. A kind of respect when you see something happening and you don't believe it is true simply because of thinking it is acted out, and when you think it is not, then you start feeling that respect because no matter not having any facts, facts may come too late, you simply believe out of the respect towards another's expression, even if you think what you experience is an actual lie. At least that is how i experienced myself. I thought i was being lied to when i saw another going through pain, and then i deliberately decided it is the truth and i'm the bad one to even think that another is lying to me. I mean i still don't have any facts, but screw that option of not believing another, even if the intent was to suck the life out of me, and the pain of another was not really real and more really acted. I kind of hate myself for being like that, but i generally only believe others and if i put my life into even worse mode because of it, so be it. I don't care, I think i'd make a bigger mess not believing another than believing it, even in cases when i'm being lied to, if I ever were.

So from a sense of dealing with my previous troubles, I feel lighter now, but only on account of having even worse new ones. At least i know that relationships ain't my thing since they seem to kind of mitigate from friendships to hatred, maybe other way around in some cases.

And when comparing all this data with the one i had for myself to explain me and my existence. It was just imagination, hell maybe it was not, but the way i thought things work was that there was just one being at the start. And then the being got bored of being alone and it started inspecting what all it can become. Some parts were likeable others not so much and when the time came all gathered parts split. What being didn't know is that no matter what it separated itself from it would be able to recreate that part within oneself and so no matter what bad it gave away or held within to protect others from it or itself from others it would keep continue existing. Separation was only due to the assumption that if enough small parts are made out of the big one there will be enough of them to make something more out of what was already there. It was not about the size it was more about proportions and relationships between dimensions of things that were to exist.

I also have this image within me how i explained another being how i'm not exactly like it, meaning i have other things within me that make me a bit different, but in what we do we are completely similar as if i have my free will and another, all the rest have it as well. I think this is when the point of separation happened like one thing wrong said and another might thing think like I have myself for more than them. It is not like that at all. There are so many conditions walking together, and only one of them needs not be satisfied and whole lot fails to continue. So with regards to superiority and inferiority on a mind level one can really cause a mess cause it is only imagination that one would rely on. And on a physical level i do agree everything is somewhat in a kind of "more than or less than" relationship simply because so many children die before they even start a life, and some have way too much while many nothing at all. So if equality is to exist i wonder which strings need pulling and what needs pushing (strings can't be pushed, they don't handle pressure in a string direction, unless they are within a casing). It is ind of weird that i imagined i how i'll change the outside of me, and i still wonder how i'll change my interior.

It is definitely mind blowing to know that whenever i tried to push myself into a certain scenery it was always that stop getting into something that doesn't want you around. And if i intentionally don't go somewhere where i imagine above explained scenario will happen then i get explained how certain things need to come to me in order for me to let them happen. A may be mind fucking myself here but with regard to inferior and superior themes this is the exact problem. Where i perceive that relationship same as in any situation with any kind of a deal. I mean when the stuff is not genuine enough and one that needed it starts making a shit storm the other party that sold it can always excuse themselves with "you came to us", thus there is this who is the fisher and who the fish. And there is a joke that a fish that you caught and set free makes a wish comes three.

And to think that there are people that believe that there is no life in fact it is just a "equation" calculating itself while there is so much suffering present when all it would be needed is stop it. And to think these things only exist to prolong certain ways of life on account on other ways of life, i don't know how what worth lies within such activities, considering that everything ends at some point. I mean is there anything that would truly last forever, even with regards to relationships? Like for that you'd need really stubborn individuals that don't give in to the conflict that seems to consume long term relationships. I don't know i just share what i think, i don't know id it would be better to keep it all in or let it all out. I know that words do fix things to a certain extent and i do know they can ruin things to a certain extent. But i know that when i wanted to make things less complicated i managed to complicate them a bit more. Yet i try to see things as simple as possible. And yes i did think that each relationship i had within the lives i lived was with the same being, only in different scenarios, which begs me to question myself what was about the thing that i decide it to live it like it, cause i mean to have things like that present they had to be intentionally set up to be that way. What is life then? A story that is in advance written and then experienced like a movie, cause only in such a case it can be predicted, or are some beings really so advanced in their experience that they can predict certain situations before they even happen, by simply regarding a few things that are acceptable and those that aren't.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 13 Mar 2017, 22:53

Day 821: Who made the word?
Was there anything else besides the word in the beginning? Despite knowing that i should stop certain mind chatter, creation of it made me face a realisation that whenever i create something emotional in my mind regarding judgements or projections i can when i remember or realise what i'm creating within myself simply stop creating it and then not dwell on it any longer. Even if I, after recollecting what i created judge myself as being negative or spiteful, and all that simply decide to not participate in it any longer and divert focus on something real that i participate in, I still remember myself as having a potential as being negative, but that fact that i decided to not dwell in it any longer and divert my intentions and interests of what i in that moment participate in, make me feel a bit accomplished from that point of view of changing in a moment.

I came to this point through remembering a certain thing that i made up in my youth when i first read Bible. One idea about god was that it is just an idea that fathoms all other ideas so it would win every time it would need to. From a certain point it was good because there was always a winning card to every game played conflict, but from another it was also a belief and those are capable of doing some real damage if they are of pure fiction. What i mean is that you can believe a lie to be the truth, simply because you can't prove it is a lie.

So when i brainwashed myself successfully with all the data Bible had to offer i kind of created my own idea that maybe one day i'll be able to use these beliefs that i believed other people believed in and try to "convince" others (not really knowing ever for a fact what others are really convinced in), meaning i'd believe i'd convince others but then simply if i'd actually be successful it try to even it out with excuse that all i did was pretend really good, be whoever others would like see and through that then try to explain that there is no such being as God, but something that is but a figment of people's imagination. Ok, there was always that possible outcome that whoever would believe in God and no matter which being would come to them and try to convince them they are God they wouldn't believe it so it is, sorry to say it but kind of dumb to believe in something that not one being would fit in, yet the belief is so alive it would constantly coordinate choices of a being. And yes i think that mind is a very logical thing, like a computer almost, but if everything is alive, like some conduit of force that decides into what force should be put into, it is in a sense quite predictable, considering that energy by default tries to spread evenly amongst things (the mathematical version at least) and beings that use and direct it try to usually focus it into one place to make something more out of it. I've heard that there suppose to be an endless source of it, and then i wondered where is the opposite factor of endless consumption since if there is none it would mean that everything just constantly accumulates out of nothing at all, i mean that endless source.

I went off topic a bit there but, main intent was to try and make others believe in something that doesn't really exist and then when the moment of truth would come i'd just simply explain myself as wanting to make others believe that a certain lie they would believe in is actually the truth. I know i was a bit egoistical but at least you could give me some credit to try and pretend that I was that "God" in the Bible that was written that some day will come to Earth. I mean i really worked on being good at everything i'd indulge in to let that speak for itself, and still as i'd learn new things, this fact that there is always a way to go deeper into it, no knowing of something really is not ever good enough, and can be considered as tip of the iceberg, no matter how specialised or tunnel visioned it is. I mean that was one of the starting points amongst many to make myself indulge into Desteni and all the theoretical developments that were going on. I for myself thought i did best i could. Actually when the "breakthrough" moment came and i experienced for the first time that there is something really mystical about what all exists, it was actually the thing that saved me from a certain perspective. Even though it scared the hell out of me. I mean imagine that you decide to not believe in something more and going on a rampage of disproving things and then experiencing something so unnatural that you almost want to believe is some greater force out there than you and due to stubbornness still decide to not believe in God, yet whole system is telling you that there is one, even body tells you like it is on and you decide that there is none. Isn't that simply confusing, like whole world knows that there is this hirearchical ladder that is good to be respected, but because it only exists as data in the head it basically is like nothing without reality in which it can "express" itself. So in a way because it is conditioned by reality it is less than it, but the belief in the head is so strong it becomes more than it because all it needs is a belief.

I mean i only thought about it, because i wanted, or tried to make a joke about how beliefs define us to a point where we fool ourselves to compromise us for others. I mean it is all about intended action. It is a completely different thing i suppose if you are doing choices out of being a blank slate, meaning you give no regard to your past and you make a choice out of that, or you let all those accumulated knowledge guide your way, being more and more constricted with it until you come to a point of no choice at all because there is only one way through that you believe in is the best, i mean there may be other ways but I didn't saw any for myself (was too blind). What i dreamt of was a world where i'd not have those back chats about how others want to screw my life into oblivion, meaning i'd simply regard others as being good beings. I think it was mainly connected with fears regarding elementary school, like social aspect of it made me sick sometimes what was going on. I may be exaggerating a bit. But the point was that i think i felt too oppressed, like all i'd do most of the time is what others would tell me, then again i always thought of what i should do by my own accord that would make me acceptable to me. So yea, me putting myself above others, even if it from a certain respect was a joke did automatically create a demand within me that i should put myself below them. I guess it is one of the reasons why i still write this blog. I mean besides being asked to do it, i also have my own interests to do it and i do it. It is like this, if someone tells me what to do i automatically regard them as them being my "guide" or "above" me while i know this idea only exist in my mind, and i am still perfectly aware that i can create hell of another through intent or simple mistake, if the case would be that i intent to create haven for them, and the other way around too, meaning another is capable of doing the same thing to me. So yes just as environment or other beings can define or influence a bit of change within you, you can do the same to them, to a certain extent cause there is always that part of you that also contributes to the influence of you. As i still think it is, it is not the mind that is evil or good, mind is more like a tool or idea of a tool that the being uses, and it is the being that is good or evil, depending in what way it generates influence on you, cause i mean there are evil things that happen and some see them as good and there are good things that happen and some see them as evil. I personally did give some regard to pros and cons of my actions but because i didn't see the bottom line of it i'd just decide on one thing and was willing to accept the consequences of my actions simply because i'd not know how they would manifest. I mean i did try to make a few predictions for myself and some came true actually, but there were also an array of them that didn't. So to a certain extent things are predictable, but not entirely.

One thing i don't regret is giving myself an opportunity to make fun out other people's beliefs that i don't know if they are or are not true, it is like just accepted as truth, yet there is no actual fact. I myself experienced such a "fact" a couple of times and i know i would always have that opportunity to decide that it is not good enough. I mean surely being zapped by energy is really just cool thing, but on the other hand it did blow my mind a bit. At least it opened a door for me where i'd slowly stop trying to disprove every magical thing out there that is usually doubted in at fist sight.

So once i was nicely packed in my own limits to have a really constricting life choices, i believe they are called principles, and i think it would take me eternity to put them all out on paper for another to read for instance, I am always willing to bend my own laws i believe in to make myself a bit easier path for me, no matter how worry what others would believe me to be along being hypocritical. I mean, I'd put my hand into fire for you but only to a certain extent, metaphorically speaking. Maybe i'd go in it whole if i'd really really like you, or not, like i'd not like you at all and i'd still "sacrifice" my will for yours. I mean it is just theorising, when the real thing happens it is usually improvising if its not something that is already drilled out. Yet things may still go astray no matter how well known they are in what way they were suppose to work out yet they don't. It is like many things walk along together and one of them not playing out right puts all the other things that are conditioned by it to also then go a bit different way, unless you have things that are really unconditioned by environment (despite being so, i mean point of relation is how different points affect each other, thus relationship), and only conditioned by themselves.

And then there was this idea that each living being is actually God, so there are really lots of God around, yet i ask how is it that we'd call ourselves something we believe in as "superior" yet we don't know how to exist and not destroy environment that conditions our existence, i mean there is nothing superior within that, it is actually stupid in a way. Where we are and what potential there is, and we gonna blow it all to hell, supposedly, i mean i heard a prediction that doesn't explain the mathematics behind it yet it does tell that it is mathematically calculated that we gonna destroy our own planet, not like in an instant way, but slowly with a momentum to it that will be difficult to stop. There is also a prediction that there is peak to it and after things will become better, then again i was also told that the source is not completely trust worthy and what i can see with my own eyes in environment where i live is like completely different thing, i mean some people struggle i admit, but business is absolutely booming. As i was told, if this is crisis it should last a bit longer, though i did hear that some parts of the world it is really bad. I personally don't have any solution to it, cause i have enough of my own work, and other stuff i'm interested in to do. I never planned to save anyone, only wanted to create what i thought was best for me, and i said to myself that if i'll make hell for me then that is what i'll deserve, conditioned by my own choices that i make. And i do understand that it may seem like manipulation but i had no problem inferiority myself or try to make my will onto another. If it worked, it did if not, i did try not to make it a huge deal no matter how much it make my ego hurt. But i mean i'd go even more crazy if i'd never have that chance to have a few moments of making another do what i willed, also i found it benefiting to let me do the bidding of another's will. I think it makes people realise that if I make myself inferior to them that they like me more, especially developing trust in my skills if i make it work right of whatever it is i do.

I mean that intent of trying to fool others that i'm some sort of God, or The One or, whatever that being was that was suppose to come that portal was talking about, it was just for fun from a certain respect. I didn't know i'll push myself down so much because i believed I pushed myself a bit too much up before hand. I guess I was a bit scared of people of influence cause I've heard many stories how power is used to get rid of competition, and besides that i didn't know if there was any actual such being, for all i know there might be, cause i mean there is no proof there is not such, Only thing that bothers me is how a supposed third party is willing to play out on its intent, regarding it is the source of an idea that is then told the second party that spreads the message to the first party and i don't exactly understand how this hierarchical structure works, because there is this thing called equality in the background, and further more what is the point of waiting, because if there is knowledge out there that suppose to work in saving us from ourselves and is not being shared because "we are not prepared" (as if we are some computers that need right situation in which we supposedly are prepared), and if i really try to mind**** myself and accept the idea that maybe i'm the one that made a deal with others to play the game right and now i don't cause of too many self infested goals, and then claim "who are you to tell others what i'll do without even asking me is i'd do it" it is almost predictable that the automatic behaviour would be to not live that deal, which is clear as day. Maybe it is not the mind that is constantly want conflict, maybe the beings are such, cause i mean if mind is a tool who else uses it but beings...

I don't get it, maybe my vocabulary is a bit off, but mind seemed to become another scapegoat to be blamed, like word God is not popular anymore cause it being whored too much and word mind is being used instead of it, while all the while it is just beings being who they are and doing what they do. I was told that some beings shatter like glass and spread out and disperse into reality, like becoming a part of it after they die. Some beings got attached to something and become poltergeists, ghosts, etc, Some beings supposedly ascend and become guardian angels, or such, even opposite like demons... I though that maybe it is just their best interest that gets to them and under that condition they will into whatever they wish for themselves the most. Some call it being stranded, but it is so similar to being attached to something. Like to others it seems pointless cause they don't have that attachment but to those specific beings is seems that the thing that binds them means a world to them and is actually giving them a point. So its more of a different belief about something, and letting that give you purpose to "move on", yes even if you don't move anywhere at all and you keep yourself stranded on the same cure, same idea, same everything and expecting that to give you change.

I mean it is really interesting. I for instance decided to view a certain thing in a certain way, and while for me it is hard to accept the worth of it, it meant everything to someone else because that is what they needed to get through. It may be a simple question that doesn't get an answer.

I mean isn't it weird that all that is on a mind level it needs a decision to be believed in to make it acceptable, while reality almost doesn't give a damn and you can do anything to it as long as you don't create circumstances in which you can't exist in, and then loose even that bit of control you had over it. And mind within it all is like a simulator that one can use to not instantly try it all out there and then suffer failure and physical "punishment" cause we all know how compromising tests can be. And on the other hand it is like the worst thing cause it can consume you whole, supposedly cause the mind created experiences should create same response of a being as if it was physically created even though it is just an illusion. I mean it makes from a certain point sense, due to physically experienced environment having first to be "interpreted" i'd say conducted by a mind into the being, so either way there is a mind between the being and reality that is "transmitting" information, and what is the best thing but to then claim the authorship of the "messenger", it makes you the best being there ever was, possibly the most superior, God forbid you'd have to do anything ever again, considering that one accomplishment is no accomplishment, and that jolt of success fading out soon, there is a high probability of new feats that widen horizons.

I don't really know what my point was in trying to convince others into their belief, and making me like some role player within them. From a certain extent is is bonkers cause if i'm so against being inferior to another i actually am doing that right there and then, by making something one wills to believe in true and I'm doing it all just for free, not getting anything else out of it but inflating my ego a bit if i'm stupid enough to believe that it matters. I mean it does to a certain extent, but it also doesn't, considering how the past dealt with people that made ego a bit too worthwhile to work on. I kind of tried to keep balance of things like make something for my ego, actually just a bit more than for others, but make something for others too so that they wouldn't feel left out and i wouldn't have the fear of some traumatised kid beating me up cause of me getting on his nerves too much. I mean i am a bit paranoid sometimes still, like even when i feel good about myself who i am, and then take it as maybe i'm terrible and i'm lying to myself that i'm good, and what is worse i actually believe it i start to feel fear because of feeling good, like it is not natural to feel good about how bad i actually am but i'm to blind to see it. The other end of this is that if too many intense emotions consume you, there is a high chance that if you give yourself a chance and live through them, you'll actually build a natural resistance to them. I mean i don't know if that is change but some things that i was terrified of started to become a bit less influential on what emotion they define me in. Damn i dare say i'm becoming more stable, like i have no reaction at all towards certain things that would otherwise make me hell worried, though i still have that idea or thought in my mind that there is always some potential that would make me see more of the bad, so i rather not jump into any certain conclusions. Like the cure was to do the thing i was most scared of doing and then waiting for results that never happen, and than then gave me the idea that my fear was not relevant, i mean we do like to make them so. I have no idea how things get to play out this way but i do know i did try to steer them, and the more i did others pulled their own cards. Actually when i played "my game" others would play theirs, and I was to a certain extent aware what will happen if things want to stand a certain way, especially considering that i'm a bit more chaotic being, since i know myself that i like to destroy beliefs of other people that i find being compromising to me, and while some other being would actually complement me that i as fact suppose to have a good idea what is right and what not and that i'm actually obsessed with having, being and doing it right or correct or whatever, i then deliberately decide to ignore whatever is is i let others cook and stir ****, as if that was the crucial element to my success in almost fooling myself into believing into an idea of another, like my will is not my own anymore but just a figment of an imagination of someone else, and as i was told that i really like to reflect what others do, i don't know who or what is me anymore, cause all i know is how to copy others and through that only be what others would like to see, but who i am as a being as something unique in its own way, doesn't exist, of if it does i'd not know it anymore. So in a way i feel like an illusion playing a movie others wanna see, while for real it is not really me, like i'm lost somewhere in the past...

And the other side of ignorance was such that i threw away a pretty nice chance for me, a chance i sometimes still believe is not completely gone, yet it does fade away, and the only fucking thing standing in my way is a stupid choice in which i'm obviously fanatically in love, just because i want to prove to myself that i can hold on to my part of the arrangement, even though i am kind of aware that the time that is passing by is giving me less and less chance to actually experience that which i believe in. It is sad actually. Some truths have no facts backing them up yet not believing in them causes hell, and some lies have so facts backing them up to be the truth it makes all the hell believing in them. As if the hope would be the last to die, point is that belief is such pro and con kind of thing one can make all the difference in what one decides to put interest in. And there is something besides time that will eventually give the "answer". Either way it feels like a pile of empty words. Like there is some sort of a conclusion to it. There is. I've found for myself that this attempt to be good at things that i do is actually not so bad, even if the initial intent was to only become good at something to make a name for myself, even if that is to fool others to think I'm some sort of a "God" from the Bible, cause i mean i thought songs would do the trick, like if i while and rant and rave, why not make songs at the same time of it, it worked pretty well for all the other success junkies, even though i do respect that idea that everyone wants to crawl out of the shit at the bottom of hierarchical "triangle". I think that intent still remains the same though this time i don't wanna fool anyone into something that they believe in and is completely conflicting to me. I mean what is wrong in wanting to get somewhere especially if its shit hard to remain at the same spot, even if going up a bit is a bit harder, but i bet it gets more easy a few steps up.

I mean who knows maybe i won't get anywhere, but it is still worth to try, at least for me, It is also kind of boring doing same thing over and over again, not talking about thousands, more like tens of thousands of times. It's not like i want to have my point of life be standing at the punch press and pressing same shitty button over and over again. Don't get me wrong i respect the machine, it is awesome how everything shakes each time push it, it is just whored so much it stops being interesting, Like the only challenge i'd see is how much longer i'd be able to insist in it, like to break my own record or such.

So now i know what my fear was. That there was actually some God out that pushed my button a bit and i got shit scared. Then when nothing happened, i can only confirm presence of supernatural (to me) or simply natural (to that being, possibly beings) and i can gladly say that next time around i'll probably be again baffled by the experience, and all the mind constructs that i'll create around the point because of not being entirely sure how it got to happen in the first place or what is the point of it. A bit too mysterious I add, and i can only imagine what would happen if there was no such "feed back". I still wonder to this day why from a certain point, I know i was completely guided by self interest to go a certain way, but from another i had a feeling like besides me helping myself intentionally getting it done, someone else also invested their interest into getting it done, like even if i'd use all my four to resist it and even a decision to not take it on, someone else would try to pull or reel or something me in. I wonder why, cause from a certain perspective i know i have no problem if they suck the life out of me, it is not like they would be the only one, i heard business pretty much everywhere works the same principle, but this felt personal, even more so because i was told it wasn't. I really don't know how the hell this will ever work out right for me, but i did learn of an option where you don't give a damn about the past and you just decide to move on and even make choices that the held onto past would constrict. I think i already wrote it in the past how best way was to bend "laws" a bit and hold on to some and let go of others, maybe it is not hypocritical, maybe it is best thing to do.

Maybe this whole mess within me was because i wanted to believe in equality, yet i knew it was a lie cause there is actually none in reality. It is just an idea that is contradicting everything that is lived as. Whole hierarchical structure conditioned by money and papers of fortune and such, a simple teacher, learner relationship is like yelling for teacher being superior and the learner inferior, like batteries don't work if they have equal charge on poles, nothing moves if there is not some sort of imbalance, simply because energy that tends to balance itself needs imbalance to work, needs conflict to move to sort it out, to have a point to do something, like it is the beauty of it, first you invest in something and then reap the results. And when the effect fades, we have to do it over again, cause i mean what else is there to do? Each time a bit different cycle and from a certain respect predictably similar. What is the cure? Thinking, speaking or writing only certainly not.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 22 Mar 2017, 01:09

Day 822: Manifestation of mess
I experienced a "touch" of two events that made me even a bit more confused about the situation, and how i decided to "create" my "character". By the way, that same witch that told me about my incarnated situations also said that i've at some point decided to have two "negative" guides that helped me survive the living thing. I know i was baffled how such a decision would even look benefiting, especially because of the "negative" part, but i do remember that when i was a kid and i pondered the ways in which to behave to please others, meaning to not have so much conflict with them, when it was basically to in advance say shit about me before i'd even give a chance to anyone else to express such a point about me. And it magically worked on them. They were pleased because they've heard what they wanted to (i suppose). I was pleased because i didn't have to hear what i didn't want to (like in the back of my mind i knew they were right, it just hurt a bit mentally more hearing it). Cause i mean there is a difference between exposing some real relevant shit from my point of view than letting someone else, that doesn't know shit about me expose it from their point of view. And besides that it is just imagination working the description of something, while in real time things obviously need time to develop or learn. Yes some people do take longer to figure shit out. And yes some people are so advanced in their head that there is nothing that would exist that they would be pleased with, Essentially there is no way to say anything right to them, or find something that they would agree on with you. There is a possibility, I'm wrong.

So i wanted to talk about two experiences. One happened at work, where i in some instance of being overloaded with orders forgot some information of what i should do. I was nothing serious. Regardless i described myself as being a Gold fish - supposedly they only have a 3 second buffer of memory and after that they forget their problems. So this guy obviously liked the nickname and started calling me Gold fish. On one hand it was my problem to gave him the idea, and on the other it was my problem that each time he called me, i reacted within me, as if i'd feel the words were filled with this superior energy coming out of him, and the way i felt about it was that i was being borrowed a bit for him to have fun on my account, because of looking like a lesser being, due to "short memory" problems. Anyway, i didn't care what he felt about it, i did care what i did, and when i decided to intervene and tell him my part of experience, he found the right words. One were that if he'd make fun of me, he'd put in a bit more of an effort, and that he doesn't make fun of me, when he calls me by my new self given nickname and that he protested how i am allowed to call me something but he ain't. Here is where it came complicated for me cause my movie crashed a bit. Basically it was a practical experience how pushing myself down in front of others made me create an energy response to specific words and then whenever someone else would use them it would manifest same result. I don't know exactly where i'm going with this. But that day i again wished for god like powers to wipe physical universe out of existence. Of course i didn't get them, but i did ponder of who to blame for being so "spiteful" towards myself, and how the hell this energy works because it is like there are different packs of it that come along with the words when people speak them. Like i can't help it but to decode a mood out of said words from the creator of them, and even though i though many times how i bullshit myself with what i believe is really going on, there is simply no cure for interpreting something the wrong way, but to decide that whatever i think of it is not aligned correctly, and if i perhaps am correct, it is still better to swallow it, unless i know that the conflict that i'm about to manifest due to speaking my "truth" means nothing to me or my consequence that i'm about to go through due to speaking my mind.

Another event happened at a oldies goldies house party. It was like 5 years since i went out on such a thing, maybe more. And it is all due to respecting or at least trying to respect a certain agreement regarding looking after women, like i interpreted it that i should stop the search for my one, cause supposedly she will come to me. It even made sense from a point that whoever i'd try to get to like me, i kind of messed up the situation under development. I even stopped going out cause i saw no point, cause what would i suppose to do then, being outside, but to try and find the one relationship that would make my life look worthwhile of life. I mean, most of everyone looks for relationship, and then there are guys like me that are told to not look for them. But it is again my problem and my movie that i accepted for myself to live, because i thought that maybe there is a slight chance that not everything i did in the past was completely pointless, and this certain individual wanted to play the part with me, tough it seems things got a little out of hand. Anyway i went out with two friends. I was continuously told that i must not wish for a relationship to happen, cause it otherwise won't and even though i deep inside of myself know that i've met my match, and nothing till now ever got to the same level, or how should i put it. By myself i already knew that nothing will be good enough for me. Like either i still have a crush on this point, like i don't know how to release it, even if i mentally suffer because of it not being real, i'm not willing to let go of it, or maybe i do but then comes that moment of recreation and there i go again into suffering mode, just because of not having that part of me. Don't get me wrong, it is just me being me, and i have my own internal conflicts to deal with. Maybe it's just things that i want to have and i can't, and that gets to me, cause usually i'd have not problem to set myself free from being attached to certain idea, but this "thing", it has a bit more to it than just from and energy, and it seems like i'll be completely stuck on it, i dare say forever, unless my Gold fish ability will cause me memory loss and i'll forget all the relationship creation trauma ever existed. I again went a bit of course here. But at that party, me and my college talked about how we feel energy when in a crowd, in this particular instance when certain music played out. It was quite loud, and i almost lost my voice cause of trying to be loud enough, but when those energetic reactions came up within my body i asked my friend about them and he told me that it is this feeling that generally makes the mood, And it was time conditioned, cause he'd get it same time as i and i think it all had to do with music. I didn't ask any other guy or girl if they felt it too, i just assumed that they did. I suppose it had something to do with the mind's experience within through the way of what mind created through experiencing reality, cause it seemed like we were on the same level of manifesting inner projections within us. I don't get if we allow ourselves to be the trigger and the source of energy, but definitely the source of energy, and trigger would obviously be the music. And it is like i couldn't help it, but to be plugged in no matter how much i'd divert attention to not be focused on the trigger and not react on it, it is like there and almost as if i'd not have a choice i was experiencing it cause of being there.

So it really made me think about everything i knew till now. I was told that things happen to me if i'll wish for them. Then i was told that if i'll wish for them they won't happen to me. I was told that was not made fun of, while feeling precisely the way, and i told myself that i'll not mess up on the point of letting myself blame others for deciding to be the way that i am, even though it was precisely because of them, because of thinking that i'll have more of a surviving chance if i play nice with others, than to go only my ego way. I mean others would eat me alive, so to speak, if i were to constantly play the smart guy, i mean it is smart to be playing it sometimes but not all the time. I personally think it gets on peoples nerves eventually if one would constantly lecture them. I also found out that it is pointless to be "perfect" with another and expose every shit i think might be true about them. It is pointless, no matter how evil it sounds to not let another's drawback continue existing within them, especially if they don't agree with you pointing it out for them, cause it is in a way known that within a long term consequence it would be a bit weird that that perceived "shit" would do good to them. I mean personally i only now experience results when i'd in the past let another be "careless" and it only now got to them where it really compromised their life, and from the point of me not pointing their compromising behaviour out for them, i was shit evil to be quiet and just agree with what they believed in, even though they now kind of suffer because of it. But i mean i was not sure then, i am only sure now, but still even if i would say what i thought about it at the time, i'd probably not be able to, cause of my reaction, yes i bet there was a egotistical reason for me to keep my mouth shut, almost like a revenge, but if i were to "intervene", i doubt i'd have any impact, but to screw situation up even more. I personally don't worry when same story gets told ten times in different way. I think of it the same way. If i'd be able to intervene i doubt anyone would agree with what i think about it, and if not i just let the way of another's behaviour cook up a bit some more. I mean it is evil from some point to let another run through shit, and then let the consequence be the teacher since words don't get to them anyway. Physical pain is much more effective than mental one. With physical one you know you can't bullshit yourself, while with mental one, only a bit of a crafty mind is needed to lie successfully to oneself and then feel good about things that shouldn't be felt good about.

It was amazing how mental crashes towards myself never seem to end and they get more and more frequent. Like i thought that I'll get used to them, like because they wouldn't kill me i'd build more resistance towards them. But it just seems that too much shit at the same time can still bury me alive in mental breakdowns. And another thing i found out is how i am basically able to stop my mind from being chatty. I don't even know why i ranted so much about the point how i'm not able to think. I was so tired from that party, i thought i'd cut the movie i've been living, and instead of getting some rest from work i exhausted myself a bit more, to a point where i'd literally stop thinking, and there it was the inner silence i wanted to make for myself, even if just for a moment, though the only thing i'd hear then was the intense sound from my overloaded ears. That party really got to them, i'd hear constant sound of certain high frequency. It was also amazing that when i'd listen to the continuous ring i'd have my eyes open, and i'd start seeing these colours that would spill over the picture. The also made me remember why i stopped going out and getting drunk. But from a certain perspective it was a nice change from eat sleep work repeat pattern, no matter how unaligned it is with principles of other people.

The only thing i took from previous week is that no matter how bad i'd feel due to the way how i perceive others treat me with words, i'll not respond on my interpretation, cause i mean in the end i'm the only one that bullshits myself with my understanding of what i'm experiencing. I also found out that the main problem of my trauma is just relationships, and how i conditioned my mood through them. And how this unfulfilled point makes me edgy. It is still amazing that each time i think i might be going the right way, despite it not showing itself to be so, i feel good. That is why it is amazing to me how well i lie to myself and then feel good over the potential that i might be telling myself the truth. I think that it would be the same no matter what anyone else would tell me to do. It is like an inner choice that overrides all logic. You just go for one thing and stick to it no matter what. And all the reasoning and justifying exists only to support you from not looking completely stupid in self reflection, because, i mean, these games i've been playing is precisely that. One idea to rule them all and i think it is so strong that even if i would for instance find another one that would be a match for me, shit maybe even better, i'd still think that what i'd miss out on would be better than the one i'm matching with. Yes i did think that maybe i should go create that, it is just that i don't have a heart to do it cause i kind of gave it away, in a weird way but still. Maybe i wanna stick to at least some of my words, no matter how pointless it looks. And to think all this trauma only due to relationships, it is really strange, that there is nothing else what would matter more that i could think of. I mean i'd torch the place cause of not getting what i wanted, and this "supposed" power of destruction is like the strongest thing i could imagine, yet it fathoms in a situation where two being would complement each other, if nothing more than to at least feel a bit more. It is like that cuddling sensation of foreplay and everything else that follows, makes one go crazy if they were not to experience it, even end existence for not getting and now. I don't know how else better to describe it. It is like because of not getting the point, everything else that exists for it to exist, is not really worth existing.

On the other hand, i thought that even if my relationship dream was fulfilled, i'd probably have all the rest of the problems just the same, and i'd be grumpy just the same. Like, I'd have my match but all the other problems as well.

I made another theory in my head, that maybe gravity is like a field of currents. Like you have a sea, where currents of water carry things around, you have gravity that does the same to spacial bodies, and maybe there is an end point to this rock we live in. Or maybe whole system is crafted in such a way it will never collide to another heavenly body that would pull it in. I got the idea through looking at a certain machine that shakes and cleans all the grease from metal parts. I'ts called drums. It is full of sand and if you put the sand on the middle top of them machine while it shakes, it forms exactly like a shape of a galaxy, and it pulls all the sand into middle in a spiral way. I thought that maybe this is what is happening to a galaxy. It pulls all the stars into middle of it. It just takes aeons of time and considering that our solar system is on the outer edge of it, planet has plenty of it...

But i don't really know if it matters. I don't know what is relevant anymore. I don't know what is the truth. I know what i strive for, and i don't care if it is or not the best thing for me. I don't care what i miss on because of living the way i do, i do sometimes regret choices i've made to exist this way, i honestly think i couldn't have gone any other way.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 29 Mar 2017, 19:25

Day 823: Spite
Today was such an extraordinary good day, I've decided to write about most bad things about me i came up with in last few days. I kind of thought that i have enough positive energy within me to compensate for all the negative i'm bout to share.

I wanna talk about spite. I'd not know what this mean if i'd not be making the mistake in spite of it. I think that because of this point whole hell got loose onto me, and despite it being a simple typo, it did eventually reveal all the spite i deliberately held within me. I mean i may not be spiteful (or maybe i was) in that time moment, (and i wasn't aware of, or maybe i even was), but i do know that i had plenty of "nasty" thoughts. Well i say "nasty" because they were more like brutal than anything else. Anyway, all bad things don't just happen and the time it takes to grow them may take decades.

You see it all started with those closest to me. Don't get too excited now because if you are reading this and i know you, even if just a little bit, I probably had shitty backchat about you too. So i don't know if i somehow triggered another being to make them react towards me in a spiteful way, pardon negative way, but i certainly knew that what i felt didn't feel pleasant, mentally or materially. It was a pretty shitty situation. It was actually at some point really weird for me that i've not longer know if there is anyone out there that i'd for instance only have good thoughts about. Well there was one, but he was dead at the time and even that memory i had of him i had to taint in a situation where some "friend" of mine borrowed my parents to talk shit about them, not that i've not being used to that already, i just had enough of it and i remembered this individual and i started to cry. My "friend" that took a word shit on my family heard me and, came to me and started to apologise, and i had to use an excuse that i'm crying over the death of that individual that was one or two weeks prior to that event. Of course i was sad, i didn't know how to stop them and they just had to use those specific words i had no defence for (well i didn't need it anyway since there is no need for protection from lies), but it was sad how all the rest of our friends took a laugh, like real joy on account of my family. Well what is even more weird that now i tend to think that my family prepared me for events like that, after all one kept educating me through threats of being beaten up, while the other didn't know any other way but to beat me up. I think i must be fucked up in my head that i still see them as good parents. Probably because if they would let me keep that behaviour that they initially took as a reason to make those threats and physical over-touch, i'd probably be in some way worse position i am currently in, cause i have to be honest - i've learned from them much more than anyone else.

So these were to me most extreme situations i could remember and understand in my life. I think that they have happened due to me triggering them, yes for simply being me, or i seemed like the weakest point and people would dare take a bite on me cause it seemed it would not hurt them. Well there was one more such peak, but i'll get to it in a few paragraphs.

So what developed within me was this backchat of looking myself as someone more than the rest because i'd not try to pick on other people (though i did do it sometimes i think, like i was possessed by it - this idea i have to fuck with the mind of another, like a little joy ride). I mean it is complicated, yet so simple. Due to thinking i develop a theory that sounds so sound and then i feel things about towards that inner creation of mine, and usually i snap out of it, sometimes i don't and something outside of me wakes me up from that "positive" daydream experience. I mean it is all imagination. And sometimes i get aware of what i participate in within my mind and i get absolutely terrified cause i believe that it is too late and those created thoughts already cause influence for me being me. I mean i know someone else also explained this thing in their vlog or blog, don't remember, but here i am sharing my point of view on the thing. I also thought that because i knew i had more of a brutal inner nature i'll loose all my chances of getting a certain thing through, which i eventually failed at, cause of not being "the one" prefect enough. So yes the more i was told how i am withholding spite from others the more i tried to find reasons within me as me being the cause for it, though to tell you the truth, i think this world is a really sick one and is in desperate need of healing, and that spite i held within me.... i think it was there for a reason, cause i don't believe that all of it got only to do with me, like what i mean to say is that if everything is my fault then i had to create like the whole universe and if that is mine, i don't know in which moment of time i decided to make myself suffer my own self. It is not logical. I wen't off a bit there (again), but what i then decided to do, and i tested this some time, was that whenever i'd create a negative reaction towards another i'd deliberately not wanting to create any nasty thoughts about them, like if that were the reason to all the bad events.

I thought that maybe if i behave normal towards the rest, even in my head things would get better, and of course they didn't. Thinking has no effect at all on others but on oneself, and even that is questionable because it seems to not be enough when it comes to breaking a habit.

Then i started to rebel and stand up for my inner sensations and each time i saw myself react i'd stand up and express what i'd feel, and then would protest that i want another to behave differently towards me. Luckily that experiment only went through a couple or times, and while thinking how "responsible" I've been for me, i think dug my grave a little deeper.

To sum it all up, what began to happen within me was that whenever people would laugh right after they would look at me, or interact with me, i'd think they are having a conversation picking on me and laugh about how they see me. So i think that the more i try to behave acceptably the more they seek shit on me to then laugh about. Like it is all this mental survival game of who is worthy of who's appreciation, and my latest development over this point is a question why people haven't killed each other of yet, and i think it is because of dependency on each other, and exploitation. But i mean i know i was suppose to write only about negative things and do know that there are positive bonds between beings as well. It is just weird to me that when i sometimes listen to gossip i hear people talking bad things about another and then when they sometimes meet up with that exact individual they are all polished and nice. I mean i am the same, though i do try and be special, you know not like the rest of the million motherfuckers out there, though i still think i fall into that group, and then when i gossip or talk shit about another, i tell them all the bad stuff about them right in their face if i acidentally happen to meet them at that same time. If something else happens in between i usually forget about all the bad things about them that i shared to someone else. Its like the usually gossip. Come to think it, some people write blogs in newspapers constantly about such points, so it is quite normal, especially if you make a living off of it.

I'm not quite done yet. I thought i was done in some past, but then i ran into Desteni, and besides getting hooked up on that beauty, probably the only other thing that attracted me was a certain prophecy (i was nuts on prophecies back then), this one attracted me because it was the most probable one. Like what i'd usually do is try to find something rational that would undertake it, but this one was quite plausible to my knowledge to happen. And that is because i thought that all it got to do with was simple human behaviour, and according to my experience it would take a damn miracle to prevent it from happening, and that is assumption based on a biased human behaviour. I know i may be a bad example of human behaviour, but if i look at myself as being the reason for others to treat me as shit out of the blue, and then later when things develop and i start to treat myself as shit, and then others take that as a reason for treating me like that, well what do you know. I do get to take the blame. Thank you! I only wonder why am i not at fault for the creation of all of the freaking existence, but happen to be the centrepiece of only those bad events.

I was told i was getting more stable. I think i'm even less, though it does feel a bit lighter to vent out this negative sensation. So yes that was my i don't know which reason in line, to let everyone one on the world know, at least those that don't have time for anything else than to be glued at the computer screen, rolling internet to find something new, something astonishing, to open eyes of another just a little bit more. Or maybe the reason was that i've had pretty bad experience and i got jolly after hearing a doomy scenario that is about to roll out, but don't worry there is only getting better after that even or so it suppose to go down.

Then there was another sad experience. It was on new years transition from 2011 to 2012. My mind was absolutely mind-fucked by that time. One of the reasons was me because i'd not get me why i'd even bother to undertake certain conversations that i saw no point, other to defend my point of view. Yes it did not have any ground beneath to stand on so it fell like it should. But i mean i knew it was a made up assumption i'd stand for so no wonder i fell like a waterfall. But there was another point, a point that had plenty of ground to sand on, and it was the total opposite, and yes i may be a bit weird to stand for two opposing forces, yet i didn't know which was holding water, and i really did thought i talked to the world and the world responded, but in not such a connected way. Since the lot of it is still quite divided, and I've heard that there suppose to be another prophecy how some scientist is suppose to bring all three superpowers together as one, though I've also heard that he's a charlatan, much better than me, and I've also heard that he is not such a fake, and i personally didn't look into the thing much. Either way i wish best of luck for him to pull it through. So because i thought i knew how this hierarchical scheme works i thought i know how if there is a shred of sanity within people left they would stop talking about how someone else will do for them what they would desire.

I mean i was so brainwashed i thought that people want me to take the lead of some world, while i knew that it is but a joke that they were pulling on me. You don't just take the power and then wield destiny with it. Any person with shred of knowledge would know that there is an attempt and then a usual fail and through that we learn. If the bite is too big you can't swallow it. If you chip on the pie to little others will eat more than you. And in a world that is full of individuals that already attempted that, and each one, would undoubtedly fail, usually causing some war in the process of attempting to gain control over something. I mean prophecies are usually made by one individual. That one individual usually has no problem getting something out through them into the world especially if that feels right. But if i go at the local bar and share the news, guys there would probably show me away, or shit their pants out of happiness to finally after a long time hear such bollocks. You see on one hand it looks like spite but on the other is damn good fun on account of imagining things. Truth is that in some past, like hundreds of years ago people died deliberately in battle to gain control over land, and now we want someone to unite all those powers that fight over who is gonna control what. I'm gonna be bold here, but one such attempt was already started way back, and developed a God that then supposedly lost all its power. Well i don't know about that but i do know that individuals usually refereed to him with how much he deceived others. I think that the main idea behind "one to rule them all" is have one being with its interest and all the rest fulfil that while finding moments to fill out our own.

Hell, i'll have a go at it too, I wanted to rule the world and when i found out it is too big of a puzzle to take on, i decided to just live my life and fulfil my interest and live selfishly ever after. I guess that is why i now pick up steel from one pile, mess with it and put it into another pile. It's payed well, and free fitness at the same time.

So yeah, it pissed me off, cause to my mind whole would supposedly knows about Desteni and its message of finding ways to create equality where there would be no more spiteful behaviour between people, and world doesn't give a damn. I was told how whole thing is a make up. I thought that too, but then i felt like someone burning my mind out, it was really a supernatural event, i don't think it is normal to happen. And that was one of the things that caused me to change my mind a bit, not allot. I'm still getting to there. It was said that supposed change of the world will take on many generations before it will take any evident shape. And i forgot to mention, i had my doubts and spiteful moments towards the whole thing, but i did deliberately decide within me that i am making up even more assumptions and that it is not really worthwhile to have both of extremes within me. Like standing up for something while being spiteful towards it. It was just not logical to me. I even made up bad excuses: "well if the whole thing is bad, i'll stand up for it and try to make sure it succeeds, cause it does my long desired wish of making this world burn would finally come true, and if it fails then that is good too because then the world would flourish like it was suppose to. And if the whole thing is good and it fails, i'll get my proof that i'm just not that good with grouping up, and if it doesn't that would be win win cause, i mean cause i do believe it is better to enjoy than to suffer something right, it is logical, right"?

Like it was a bit weird to forgive myself for spiteful thoughts, and then still see them come up because of various reasons, but hell now that i supposedly know my past, and got my homework for the future, while i still wanna progress with living my "dream" which is really not cause it sucks to be stuck the way i am, i think i'll just let things to come to me. But that is only because whenever i went and gone towards them, the situation kind of disagreed with me so i lately think there is no point pushing myself towards anything except if someone opens those conditional doors for me and i am just eager enough to compromise my time to try and go through them.

So best cure for spite really is ignorance, not that it is bliss it is an absolute paradise. Today one guy at work told me that i should hammer with my head instead of my hammer. I already got my backchat prepared for him for next time he talks to me. If i won't ignore him i'll tell him to throw himself on a rotor of a mulcher. Mulcher crushes things into bits and pieces. Its really a piece of equipment that mills the leftovers of cut plants. It digs itself into soil a few inches and then just mixes all the cut plants and its roots and earth together to make the soil less stiff - cause of all the roots that is holding it together. But i'll definitely not try to get into good relationship with him anymore - only if he'll want to. Heh, what will probably happen is that hell keep treating shit words to me. Cause honestly i don't know about the cure, i don't care if there is one, all i know that i don't know shit of how to deal with such cases other than with physical force, and i do know that i'm not too sure about using it cause there is then always an unpleasant aftermath i don't want to deal with. So hura for this world and its inhabitants. I mean how is anyone gonna take lead on such a planet that is full of such beings. I mean i still become quite a demon within myself when someone takes me on with only words. I did think that this process is not really about forgiveness, but more about pushing buttons and getting a hang of that so that when the real deal comes we'll be more prepared for the hit of the shit. Cause i do admit i do find comfort in doing SF out loud even if the energy is still there, i like breathing to, but i can't help myself to to ponder on situations, and i don't care how much my thoughts kill me, it is like i want to find a faster way to not be defined by energy i react with towards words of others. To me it is only about that, especially for moments like that. Come to think to it, experiencing such events it only gets me more used to them, like they are somehow bound to get more and more intense, or so it seems, like more frequent. Cause i mean if that is what it takes for people to get aroused, then i guess it should be so. It is like there is hell cooking and there is no way to get around it, but through it. Who knows, i hope i'm delusional in this point too. All i know is that i'll try not to perpetuate such things, cause it can't end well. I'll just let others have a cumming for their mind, cause after all it is only thoughts.

Maybe i wanted to be with Desteni cause i had no one else to hang about with for real. I mean even if i weren't the finest specimen, cause of all the things that wen't wrong, i did it only for me cause i thought i'll have a better chance at life than if not. And i don't care if i'm at the completely wrong place if i don't know if there are any other intents than the ones presented. I just feel i'm right standing for the principles that are in essence timeless. What is best about them is that they can't be described by word, but there is understanding of them that comes through experience. It is a natural pattern really that keeps repeating over and over again in all things moving. Start is hard, but then resistance is built and the fun times riding it once you get a hang of things....What is weird that despite of all the bad thoughts about other people, there is not one that would only have negative ones, like there is always some positive point from my perspective, there is no trouble minding it up, it is just that depending on time it just so happens that i have a nasty thinking about others. I believe others are the same in this, and pardon if i offended you, i make mistakes too. I guess that is why i'm so obsessed with wanting to be right or correct or something that is acceptable, because when i say something not acceptable i then suffer the usual consequences of me not being accepted and then i go and feel a baddy about me.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 05 Apr 2017, 20:03

Day 824: Energy tricks
What was most interesting to my observation and interaction with reality was the way things went up or down. Usually when things went down, when something would happen that would be against my interest, I'd imagine that i deserved it. As some sort of "bill" for past actions, or karma if you will. Normally i'd think that i've must have done something bad or evil or just wrong, so that the thing would get back at me. I'd also try to find out a reason why it is like that, and most of the time i'd not figure out any particular reason. Probably because of my limited knowledge. It did however help me figure out some things and then learn from it, to not try it out again.

Lately i've been wondering, if i am an inherently evil/bad being from the start, or i developed so over the years simply a response to my interpretation of how others interacted with me. Lately i've also been wondering if there is some sort of trick being played out, like really carefully crafted plan that certainly someone knows and is superimposing it onto this world or it is just plain old "living it up" that is more or less dependant on inspiration, maybe improvisation. I mean even if there is a plan, i can't imagine it being solid from the get go, and looking how things change there must be some sort of alignment of that plan if there is one. Personally if there are beings that can "predict" what is gonna go down and somehow whatever it is going on now is simply part of that path.

Honestly speaking, hell i'm lying, honestly writing I have no idea how i managed to get myself in such a situation. I literally don't anymore know what is best for me. If i should stick with what other people tell me or should i just go back to my own way of figuring it out for myself. I admit i know a few basic tricks how to "force" behaviour out of people, i dare say manipulate, but that is not really the thick of it, more interesting is how i then sometimes just let others manipulate me. Cause what would you do if you got put into consequential situation and you'd not know if they wanna fool you or school you. I personally thought that if i take others as evil i may really blow it for myself cause if they intended to help me and i'd twist their words i'd be making myself a fool, but if they were tryin to fool me i'd win a lottery and not get "abused" in a sense. So answer that i gave to myself way that i'll school myself, cause even if i get to be fooled, i'd not risk revealing myself as a doubtful person. Oops i think i just did that. Anyway I think i'd rather get abused than to risk fucking up another's help, and while at it, if i were to doubt any person i come in contact with, when they would suggest me something, i'd probably ain't gotten anywhere. However it is still interesting that doubt would come up sometimes when help would be really genuine and when deciding to override it with a decision to not regard the inner sensation as trustworthy. What more came out of this was that if situation would not be resolved throughout longer period of time, and i'd still held myself attached to such a point within my secret mind as some intention of what i want to do and what i desire to get out of it, i'd constantly react whenever a step towards loss or what i'd regard as loss would be made. This means that if situation would not be certain i'd constantly react towards any kind of indication that a counted on potential would potentially not be realised. Though that in itself is not completely true because even if i'd get a clear picture of how situation is, i'd still believe in a potential even if picture would indicate there is none. But it does contribute to an eventual drop of desire, cause in the end all things fade out, just as love does or hate.

I've seen this the other day where my commitment to ignore someone really failed. It just so happened that a certain butterfly effect took place and certain pieces of something began to poor out of the frame they were set in. This individual that saw the "calamity" in motion looked at me and smiled, and to my surprise i smiled back even though i few days prior to that decide to ignore him. He said how interesting, and i didn't say a word but think what he meant by that. Some other individual laughed his heart out how i didn't even care when everything fell apart, and while i was just laughing silently at the situation, because there was no point of intervening into it i wondered how it is that i can't even stay committed to negative anymore. I mean there i was full of hate towards someone, i literally wanted them to mentally suffer the way they made me suffer just by using words - pushing my buttons and there i was smiling with them at the situation. There is was, external shit connecting supposed enemies. Not that relationship with him got any better. He still preaches me and treats me like shit like he knows more of me than i do, but hell, today i told him what hes got going for him, and miraculously he shut his mouth. I don't know how to say it, but the more people behave like they know everything the bigger pricks they become. Or is it just me. It is interesting to me how it was interesting to him, i almost felt that joy he had when he saw another in a screwed up situation.

Another point that i realised lately was how i'd judge myself for every little bad thought that i'd create within myself as someone evil and whenever something good would come up would be regarded as nothing, which doesn't make sense cause then i could regard the negative stuff as nothing all the same, but no, if there is something bad i'd make a huge problem out of it, of why it is it exists within me, and if there was something good i'd shrink it to none existence. So what i ended up doing was blowing up this balloon full of negative connotations about me and normally i'd equal to that constantly experience mental crashes. So why is it that i don't regard positive thoughts just as important as negative ones, or at least if i don't regard positive thoughts as genuine so should i not the negative ones. That way the negative inflation would not get over me.

But i mean it was all due to not wanting to let go of someone i got too attached to, but then i also asked myself why the hell did i do it in the first place. I mean it was not like i did it first time around, such a feat where i'd be ending up suffering my own decision to warm myself up for another. Why do i always fell for someone that doesn't really want me, or they are already with someone else. I constantly wonder about this point lately. I also thought that some people just joy in creating attraction and then those that get hooked up get that eventual unpleasant surprise of being let down. It is like imagination of some people really feeds of the idea that if they will get attention then they are allowed to get hyped, and if not whole hell gets loose within them. I mean i took a look that maybe i did want to do the exact same thing cause the thought did cross my mind. But then i thought that i must be pretty screwed up in my head if i am to think that i got loved and now i have to ruin that for others just to prove a point, to make another see that is supposedly fallen for me, how it is when they get "ignored" while them having that inner desire to not be, in fact ignoring them would be most harmful thing for them, yet the make themselves vulnerable. I mean why do we do this or is it just me. I personally thought that i'm doing it deliberately, but maybe i wasn't digging deep enough, i mean what else could it be, I thought perhaps it was vengeance, but it was way too cheap to be that. I even thought that it was an experiment on myself if i am able to "forgive" another for their supposed wrong doing, cause again it only matters what i think within me and what another explains can always be taken as just some sort of excuse as if they were never really honest. I don't know. I don't even care what all i missed, or what profile got deleted, or why. I mean i could say i do, precisely cause i asked myself those point, but i don't wanna create more lies for myself to see which one of them is potentially true. It is certainly interesting how on one side there is this big dilemma how mind is the limit within, but on the other hand it is the only thing we have. Some would pay for silence, or peace or something that they think would make them lighter, some would pay for correct thinking. For me personally i think that the more i think the worse it gets. One of those fears regarding mind was that i'll end up some mental useless being that spends too much time in the mind, and got completely cut off from reality, but i now think to hell with it, cause if i get to that stage i won't be aware anyway so what is the point of being aware of something i'd eventually become unaware of.

Don't get me wrong i have no idea how people play tricks on themselves with their own mind, but certainly one person described it kind of correctly when he said that we think to make sense of what we experience and then we believe those "lies" even if they screw us to the end of existence. I think that this is why some beings supposedly blow up to smithereens when they die (or so they say) and the millions of beings that become existent through that separation i guess then make up the rest of existence.

So what troubles me is how i managed to get hooked up on some instructions that i first gave to myself and then i screwed them cause they were of no help, but then later in my life another told me this same way of living is what i should be doing and i think that i won't get anywhere with them so in my mind i am screwed, even if that is a lie in reality, i react towards as it were true. Sitting and waiting doesn't seem much potential to me yet i was literally in a way asked to do that. The other day i was sitting in a bar. Some guy was pretty depressed cause his girlfriend left him, and another guy told him to not sad too much and that he doesn't know yet how happy he will be. That cheered me up a bit, even though it was not meant for me.

And the other side of the consequence i don't even wanna look at. I mean i have all the time for myself. I don't have any obligations for another person, like a partner or so to take into consideration. The only thing that i have to schedule like "important" besides job is this blog. I mean you may think i am really mentally fucked, but i thought in the past that if i were not to write it, i'd be screwing my situation way more, especially after "after shock" of getting a clear sing that i'm not dealing with something that was just made up, meaning there was something genuine in relation of there being more stuff out there that meets the eye. I didn't believe in anything more than what we feel, and others that claimed that they felt more than the rest felt like a lie to me, but then even if they do what is that to all of those that don't cause i mean i think that it is quite a lottery when truth is being given for free, cause some may accept it with open arms and be cheerful about it, and some would doubt it from the start. i kind of believed it and while at it got shit scared cause real people already caused trouble for me, pardon i caused trouble to them and they reacted with causing me trouble, or maybe i'm just at the wrong place at the wrong time sometimes and that is why i experience bad events, and then to think all this plethora of beings out there that are dead but still existent that i because of refusing to believe in their existence will have to later in my existence suffer even more. That is why i think i only created bigger hell for me, but to hell with it, i just write this stuff out cause it makes me feel like i cleared my attic in my head, and while living seem to not be "alive" the dead preach them how to live. Maybe it would be more equal that living would see the dead just as the dead see the living. Also i forgot again that the "dead" don't exist anymore and that the only thing existing is information about them, and what i also heard was that when i'll die i'll for sure blow up into smithereens like i described in some past i really want to because i thought that it would be best for me, given the situation i behaved within in a certain way that i didn't really liked but i did had to try, i mean what was i to do, talk more, write more, more songs? While others telling me to stop? What is for instance interesting to me is how whenever i get cornered i tend to blow up and then others ask themselves how is it that i become so arrogant. Well my answer is that if i make a desire that is plausible to be realised i go for it until i can. It is hard enough to find something like a goal to manifest within a lifetime, but i do always get surprised from if i completely miss the point from a perspective that i don't really know what it is i'm gonna cause, but at the same time not, cause before it happens i already cause imagining of both of the extremes that happen, cause in the end it can really be only yes or a no to a realisation of an event. I just failed to see how it is that i screw up the steps to realising something that deals with living beings, or maybe it was the only way, cause of "action - reaction" principle. I don't know but it seems to me like every wants to fulfil certain desires. If it is making another being do something, or in other words manipulation, i must say it is far from it. There are not enough words to describe this but if beings want to be smart on each other, i think, if one would say yes the other would go for no, so best bet would be to go for a no if you'd want a yes and if they would go for a no as well then you know you didn't have a chance anyway. Don't get surprised if you get no answer, cause that might happen as well. Undecided things usually rot away and something else gets fed of them, but all in all there are many potential opportunities so one unfulfilled desire eventually makes ways to numerous new ones.

I don't get it yet but how i dreamt about it was that there was this sensation within me that all this pondered knowledge i'd from somewhere get to know about feels like it ain't for free. I'll be going into some mind tripping here but the movie that for instance rolled in my head was that i was being that got asked many times a question of what to do with the not predicted consequence. I was literally dreaming this in my youth. First came grass and cause it were to many something had to be created to "cut" it. Then the animal were too many and something was needed to make it less many. And so and so on. Each time something was made i got to be asked how to deal with additional consequences and this went to such an extent till full cycle was created and was in balance. It was a pretty patterned principle and the only thing that would disturb it was free will. Basically what happened was that once you'd enter the creation you'd mess around and the change would disrupt the balanced cycle so the only problem really was how to create the cycle such so that it wouldn't get ruined each time a desire would pop up within a creator of it when they wanted to experienced something. The only thing i clearly remember was that in the end i felt like so much was dependant on me, me leaving that position i was in would cause quite a mayhem cause then there would be no more me to be asked for what to do next. I'd not know nor care what would happen. I did laugh at the notion how lost others might get cause there would be no one to ask for advice, but it was only a dream i was in. I felt like it was sort of a knowledge i was just processing cause i really wanted to figure out the bottom of the problem for "life". And there is none, bottom i mean. I don't know even if what seems like up is really up. It may certainly feel like it at the start but in the long run it was that primal cause why things are then falling apart so rapidly. If they are even. Maybe it just seems so but it is really a necessary stage. Maybe the rapid falling apart is essential for later even more evident growth. I guess what i meant was that the principle behind success was that it also requires failure. In order to learn something one literally needs to fail a couple of times before the thing get figured out. If you succeed first time around it is like more lucky than any real understanding for what happened. Cause that is what i experience - i don't understand. I hope someday i will, but i probably won't. Cause that is what beings do. They mess with each other in order to make life happen, otherwise we'd just be more robots than we already are. After all i feel like we'd want to bracket everything there is, yet manifestation of consequence requires intervention with creation of something new, cause the old was already tried, and it would be supposedly nuts to try it out once more. But old school is old school, and who knows maybe that is what is needed to complete the cycle once more. At least for some time, before something new that is completely nuts gets minded up. Strange we say here that you remember to do something for the first time, while remembering would mean that it was already figured out in the past, while it is really not, cause it was figured out just now. It is still strange to me how some information is so similar to some other source who's profile ceased to exist, i felt connection, at the same time like someone gave a damn, but then not really. More like attraction games who will attract who, like some kind of competition of who will rule the moment. I don't know exactly how i managed to cause or contribute to any of these things but it does baffle me how i seem to believe myself that i got nothing to do with it and then it would hit me how it is all my fault, and if i get the idea it is my fault, it would hit me how i'm more of a quarantined case that is being observed and doesn't have any affect on the situation at all. How the hell did life become like this. Is there really any worth to exist like this. Maybe there is just usual conflict of desires. I'd want this another would want that and it just not compatible. I think i get the basics of it, and it is pretty simple, yet complicated cause amount of understanding needed to really get all of this is beyond measure.

The usual stuff complicating my mind.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 12 Apr 2017, 19:17

Day 825: Writing why
For some time now, i think i wrote my post from perspective of venting out, sharing my thinking, be it chaos or order that only happens within my head. Lately i've been wondering if i should write something that is not conditioned with expectations. As if every word would be tainted with intent to get something out of it, to cause this or that to happen in relation with my own desires or intentions or whatever it is called within the topic of fulfilling self interest. I mean it was kind of a long shot, but i thought, if some people make videos i'll then try to write to "share" me.

It was another week of things not moving anywhere, or at least it seems that way. Probably cause the cycle constantly repeats itself so certain points remain ever present so to speak. I learned few interesting things. First about me and my ideas to "influence" the bigger picture. Actually the idea to at least try to pretend to be someone "foretold" is not that unique. I mean there i was trying to make myself look like someone everyone that was waiting for someone to come to "see who that is" and then if anyone would actually believe me i'd simply tell them that it is all made up, and i was just having fun with my sick joke, and with it hope that what would be learned from it is to stop waiting for some saviour to come or something coming to us that would happen to make our day, cause we seem to lack imagination of how to spend time in a eventful way. Then again i was afraid that that there was actually a being out there with some superpower or ability and i was basically destroying their game playing field in advance, but then again i did wonder why i just make a "what if" in my mind, than believe it, and create this reactive state within me with just thinking about a possibility that it might actually be so.

There was another similar thing happening within me with relation to some individual that i wanted to "impress" or something. I had this idea that i have to create a perfect relationship with them. For me perfection is all inclusive, kind of mixing good and bad together, and though they don't go along very well (i really don't know what i was thinking), i then created this idea that i must not do or say or think anything wrong or negative about whatever it would happen. Actually i think i got quite good ad manipulation from a regard when something bad would go down and i'd try to seek something positive due to come cause of that negative experience. Anyway i figured out that what i really wanted was to not screw up my self interest, i mean i know that even if i do my best it may never really manifest, but what i really held on to was that idea that i must not hurt that individual in any way whatsoever, cause that would obviously screw up my self interested plans. As if it wanted to happen i think i did just that many times and with intent too. Actually it was deliberate, i wanna blame the energy but thing is that whenever it would happen I feel like i had no control over manipulation of myself and yes i did feel righteous, but i didn't feel right. Almost as if i didn't have any kind of other choice but whatever came up first within me, and due to short time a disposal it was like a true expression of myself. Of course i also thought that i couldn't screw it up more in any what way, than again i did regret it for some time. The only good reason that happened besides all the bad ones was that time was not right, while it can't get more spontaneous than it was, unless it was acted out so and i didn't really know. I did thought about it, but at the same time i felt like i need some sort of "lesson" on this topic to stop looking at things in a certain way.

Getting out of tunnel vision is kind of hard considering what all things happen at the same time and there is this one supposed more valuable thing i aim for. Like the only thing that woke me up from being too straight forward was those side effects that get to me from the sides. I got rocked a bit, and i don't wanna blame, but in the end i learned again how delicate some things are and how i get redirected by them. It is also interesting that i felt completely lost once i lost my tunnel vision. Probably cause i didn't have a clue what to look at next. There were many things to look after, now imagine someone asking you to not look after certain things. It made things easier from the perspective to not be subdued by just another problem, and hard cause to my mind it was essential to make my self interest even possible. So getting lost in that inner battle of what do i want, what did another meant with those words. Crating meanings felt to me like getting new "mind constructs" done or plainly speaking deciding what to believe in to make my life happen.

This deciding of how to interpret things caused me many fears to rise up. The uncertainty itself was overwhelming and i think i resonated it far and wide with my speaking, behaving, doing things...
I mean i had such a belief, and i really had a hard time of letting it go, cause i believed i should never give up, where despite people behaving towards me in a certain way because of how i behaved was just as i described above. Thinking that certain action will cause a certain reaction, while not being entirely sure it will go that way, and while thinking that i may just be manipulating, and not really knowing who else to be either way, like there is some other me that jumps into my body and then pretends to be me, i guess it's called schizophrenic, but i don't feel like that. Actually i think i remember pretty damn well of what i cause (for the most part), i do have fears that i actually make it worse for myself without even knowing it, cause that suppose to be happening in the future and that is pretty relative itself, and despite having good intentions to not cause harm to myself in any way what so ever that still comes around. I bet it has something to do with the limited mind that i am or use or etc..., and comparing that to something physical it is pretty damn hard to predict and anticipate what exactly might go down despite pushing or being pulled in a certain direction. I believe that roughly things can be predicted, but in specificity it is more like stand an learn, experience, see what happens,..

Actually that is not such a bad thing considering how many times i felt that energy rush within me and full of purpose, for instance wanting something bad to happen or me doing to another, and then that wouldn't happen and i now think i am so lucky that my state of the moment mind didn't manifest such a bad event to happen, just because it felt so good in the moment of that spiteful thinking. Yes it does feel good in the head to imagine how harmful i'd be towards just someone that happened to make me feel bad with certain usage of words. For me it is like when that emotion of rage comes up due to someone else behaving in such a way where they would push my buttons, i'd believe that energy 100% percent and in that moment i'd be blind, i admit, i'd not slow down, or take a breath, i'd just do what i think would do me right and while going all out, i'd not care about side effects or how this one point constricts my "awareness", just be me simply being focused on it.

So what lately happened was that i started doubting even that interpretation of energy that i feel, this usually happens only after. The other day just so happened that a person again behaved to me in a peculiar way, and i got angry at them, Some time later i talked to that persons college and he said that he is just like that and i should not take him seriously. It supposedly was only a joke from their side. I really started seeing myself as nuts cause till then i believed i interpreted intentions of people quite well but the way he expressed words were full of hate towards me and i didn't sense any kind of funny in them. I really am thinking that this whole value system of how i believe i'm correct at interpretation of other people is completely screwed. I started to believe that this is why when certain people would go full out on me, I was able to not take them seriously or if i did i felt up i was making up reasons why it is i caused them to be at rage with me. It is not interesting, but absolutely gnaws at my soul if i start to clear out this things. I know it is because i don't know where to start. I mean even if the end is to fix bad relationship with them to have a good one, then probably i should behave good. Like what probably gets to me most is creating that scenario when i think that when people actually behave good, almost too good i question it, and when that happens it is too late. On the other hand we know it is a screwed up world and it is essential to survival, actually quite normal to be at least a bit sceptical cause otherwise everything gets to ya. But again if extreme of that happens only thing you'd be doing, or me is just ruining experience with other people cause questioning just begs for that competition of "survival" in any kind of sense.

So yes, figuring out that i can't cure myself from being completely free from influence of others (probably cause people depend on one another to get things done), i then concluded that no matter what kind of process one does within the "intentional environment", there are no better lessons than those no so intended ones, and i think that that is what hones or ruins you the most. Probably on how willing one is to stand through and withstand in the end themselves and their own consequences. I mean for me, i don't believe i'll ever see a constant up or constant down. At some point curve has to flip. Actually this is what kept me in sanity for the most part. Things don't go my way but sometimes they do and considering how many potential mes are out there that i miss being, it is only a mess to think about them happening. But i mean there are times when the picture is obvious and it is soooo important to me to believe in first interpretation of other people. It just seems i got lost somewhere on the way where i'd look at another as being spiteful to me when in truth they were just joking. I mean maybe they just wanted to look like bad, when in truth they were doing good as in best they could.

I really thought i'll never be able to let go and besides thinking that i intentionally hold on to something that meant life to me, for numerous reasons, i could describe it as blowing my mind up, on the inflation part, but more the boom part when it gets too inflated to hold it all in, and everything that i created as a possibility that i personally dealt with, then started to think that i should go and confess everything. It is kind of strange knowing that i'll never be able to do that fully but it did help me to not feel so burdened. Yes i did do it through SF, then again i could just write plainly without repeating the start over and over again. I guess i did it cause i believed it had some influence over others, like it didn't matter to me because of me, but more because it mattered to others or so it was said. And others do matter to me, I mean i know i know how i behave like a total prick, but it is not like i intentionally work on it. I'd rather say that is just my uncontrolled part building up and every so now and then getting loose. You must understand that in such moments it is not honesty that matters to me, it is just that interpretation of letting another to speak their mind only for so long, and now i'm gonna speak mine, and yes i don't care about consequences, i care about releasing "secret mind" that is more or less full of, sorry for curses - full of bullshit, and it does feel good, but once that charge is released i do always look like fluke to myself, as if i my reasons were not reasonable enough to be like that, but hell it happened and now it is over. At least for some time....

I also learned that cosmetics have a popular new addition to them. And it looks pretty bad. There suppose to be aluminium in them. If someone welds aluminium for you, consider them as putting their hand into the fire for you. It drastically reduces life time. Talking about decades, just by breathing in the fumes that are released during process. I don't know about all people mostly women that wear cosmetics, some may be more inclined or less, but it is one of the causes for dementia at older age. I didn't do homework on it i only heard it through rumours, talking at the bar.

Another thing i learned about self phones is that after some time there is a hidden software that activates and runs the hell out of processor to destroy it, only for a cause to make user buy new self phone. Supposedly mobile providers do that to keep up the income. If you buy phone in a normal store they are clean. Otherwise you can flash it with downloadable version of android. Just some random stuff so that i don't always write about me.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 19 Apr 2017, 19:23

Day 826: What is going for me
Today i was thinking about balance while i was working. At my first ever payed job, that was about 14 years ago, coincidentally at the same firm i work now. It is more of a workshop, like i don't dare say it, but i will, there are machines there with which anything concerning steel can be created, like not everything but certainly allot. And what came to my mind was a memory about norms. Norm within a work environment is considered how much must be created. I didn't get it at the time, because time was precious to me, how it is that it is not got to not fulfil it, or create it faster than with the time at disposal. I did imagine that it is due to meeting the completion of a work order and government law that one must work 8 hours a day. I argued why wouldn't I create same order in shorter amount of time, go home sooner, thus have more time for other obligations, or more fun time. Others argued that if do same norm in shorter amount of time the norm will rise and others that can't work as fast or don't feel like it will get payed less, while I'd get payed same amount for more parts done. Here i could argue that it is not fair that more parts done shouldn't mean bigger paycheck, yet i don't know the thing rolled out at that time. I honestly didn't care cause all i could think of is how i'll be free to do whatever i want after i get home.

Today this same thought aroused within me. As if there is some sort of downside to real work hard, or maybe i ain't even working hard enough. I mean why do i bother with all these questions, and even if i'd go look for answers i kind of think i'd get no insights whatsoever other than do the job and do it right, correct, as much of it as possible. I mean if i'd do no work at all i'd probably loose my job, so that is a no go for me, and if i look at the other extreme of doing as much as possible there is this idea that i'll just exhaust myself to a point where i'd actually don't wanna work. There is also this belief within me that if i constantly have something to do, it mentally takes me less time to get to the end of the shift cause i stay focused on what i'm doing instead of how fast time passes by. It is almost as shift of awareness makes that magic happen where time just flies and if i get focused on time and watch how fast seconds pass by it takes like forever for just one minute to pass.

Focus is really a point i wanna work with. Lately i was thinking i should find a way to broaden my horizons, so to speak and not be so tunnel visioned. I noticed how not only at work but also when playing pc games that don't want a tunnel visioned player, but more of a bigger picture seeing one. Thing is i get focused on one point so much i completely miss certain points out of focus that are conditioning the point that i'm focusing on, It is weird, because when it comes to manipulation and creation of something, lets say a piece of metal, a certain parameter that is out of "sight" would need a small adjustment, and instead because i observe only that one thing that i want to manipulate in the right way i just bother with that and somehow manage to create what i want with more effort or "hard" work when it could be easier if i'd just consider something outside of what i'm focusing on. It is like I'd need tunnel vision in order to stay on track but at the same time it can restrict me from doing it much simpler, simply because i don't want to consider anything else. Where if i look at this similar thing at pc games, game prevents you from proceeding if you don't do it, meaning stop whatever it is that you must do get things done, and look at everything that is also influencing the game play, then satisfy or influence those broader horizons and after that go back to the tunnel vision while keeping in mind to constantly check the rest of the environment.

I really had doubt within me that working too hard may cause others to not like it. As if it would be better for me to have some decent constant tempo than some rushing. Then again i did notice myself dropping my eyelids a few time uncontrollably, like everything of me wanted to sleep or rest. Will is such a strange thing, it can fight the biggest of arguments, them being of physical or psychical nature.
Like even if whole world is telling you that something is not right you can will yourself to choose that it is. I mean what if you had the experience that taught you that you are in fact right and all the rest that are telling you that you are not, need to learn that as well. I mean it is just one more supportive argument, regardless of the fact that you can simply choose to do it the way without any whatsoever. That free will can come with a price, than again every school costs something. Consequences are never free or freeing. Knowledge learned from them is. It is like self honesty, it takes a lot of introspection to figure it out, and even then one can ask oneself if one is lying to oneself. The interesting part at least for me is that there is no better feedback than the time developed consequence. I don't no longer care how it feels wrong or right when i imagine if it is or not. I mean i do care how it feels from the perspective of what kind of inner experience i manifest for myself, it is just that i don't exactly believe it the feeling 100%, not even logic because that in itself is too complicated in some aspects to completely get into the "nitty-gritty" of it. So it is more of a trial and error thing, which means i haven't found out anything new but to after each attempt wait and see what i created in the past really means in the now, and the future and the future is somewhat predictable, not entirely so that makes it really unpredictable.

Another thing i finally at least in a mental way wrapped up is the point of aggression. I think it is all mental balancing of energies, not only what happens on the outside but also on the inside of one's participation. Basically outer environment does to a certain extent affect the inner, but the whole deal is how I then deal with what i soaked up, cause that then determines what i'll do with myself and the world i have some influence on around me. The only thing that is interesting to me is how i can "imagine" something interpret it as real, and it really may be so, and then decide to not take it so. It is kind of "damaging" but the point i wanna make is how my own decisions can override everything that i've learned and no matter how much proof i have during the years that passed by i can simply choose it doesn't mean anything. It is interesting how "free will" overpowers everything in that mental sense when dealing with information, than again it is kind of stupid to not considered the already learned things, yet i always leave some room for exceptions. I just want to point out how a decision puts a mark on everything I do, and despite thinking how spiteful i may look towards myself in a couple of years, I still argue that i don't know for sure that is how it will go down simply because i don't know for sure.

I was told the other day that just because someone tells me to not do something, that i have to go and do it to see if they are lying to me or not. Like harms way doesn't mean so much as the pain from the truth. I guess people fucked around with my mind so much i decided to reflect that, than again the moment i had that thought in my head i kind of regretted it considering that everything i'd do will probably come around back at me. So why worry then? I mean if someone would want me harm, isn't it just better to then let them do it, not even try to prevent it and let this come-around get back to the source of it. Then i had ideas that it never really comes around and the only way to stop such unfair attitude is to prevent it with force. I also thought that maybe it is already a came around and furthering it would only mean more and more of consequence. And considering that i may got it all wrong from the get go caused huge fears within me (now i just wait for the consequence of it to hit me, if it ever will). At least i now no longer feel so paranoid cause it taken too much time, and i felt stupid towards myself to worry so much while nothing really happened. It is interesting how wrong interpretation can cause even more mayhem than simply ignoring it. I mean that way can also be compromising, but allot less than (i'm guessing here) than doing action that is making things even worse, and while considering I don't really know a way how to fix somethings, it is really a lottery to choose a way in which i wanna more. Actually the situation that is too constricted by all the rules and laws and regulations is the most freeing one. I felt like atomic bomb when i was squeezed into a corner, like nothing that i do is right enough, and then when i blew out from that one condensed point i blew the way i wanted to. Of course i don't know if i managed to screw up my situation even more, but it definitely felt good expressing my opinion about others and what they had going for themselves just like they did when i was told what i had going for me. I started to look at this as sort of equality. I am almost certain that this continuously works in the background, though i'm not so sure it is that way constantly. All I know about me that just as i like to fulfil someones will, via paths where is that or else, i sometimes do try to stand up for me and, not let free choice of others condition me, rather my own, no matter how much it harms me. In fact you don't have to be anything at all to not suffer. But it does beg the question of if there is anything else than just suffering one misses out. I mean if there is bad experience there certainly must be a good one too. It is like creation and destruction. A have to have something created first to destroy it, and a have to destroy something first to create from it. There is no magical never-ending source of what exist else that which already is existent, and if there is there has to be a balancing point of ever lasting consumption, cause if any of points do exist and one is more prominent that the other, what we'd see is for ever accumulation or disappearing of things. Though it is interesting that by logic it would only be possible to disappear to eventual nothing, yet due to theory of unlimited space it would be possible to forever just accumulate more and more. Or is there a way to be less than nothing like a negative value of substance and i imagine now that in such a universe gravity would repel instead of attract matter. Lol nvm, i small talk (more like small write) too much cause i don't really know what else to write about than just something that comes up my mind.

Actually i'm quite accomplished and the only thing i could curse is the way i still wanna be smart when i end up looking stupid, then again i do manage to dig out some information, but then there are other more straight forward ways where it doesn't include me being all grumpy and pissed off. I curse how I'll ever grab an opportunity for a relationship, cause I kind of not know of how am i to forgive myself for what i accepted myself to become regards to that point. I think it is only due to having unreal standards, and movies messed my brains up too much, especially the romantic ones. I keep forgetting that the romances are but imagination of some author and in reality i don't have to spend time in self spite in my mind of how i am not able to create my own romance like the movies one instead of, when next opportunity hits me just create with it. And i the way i feel tired. I don't get how sometimes i don't sleep at all and i don't have any problems with my eyes going down on me, while other times i sleep so much and i still need more of it.

Actually the more i think or at least try to think what else is there to fix about me to make me more "attractive", it only opens up more points. On one hand it is like taking the fun out life, on other keeping at it I got told i't will only screw my life up even more. Honestly i have enough excuses for allot of things to do them and not. Only thing i don't know how to do is make a choice in what is it going to be. I also have an excuse to keep myself in this pat position till the day that i die, but who knows maybe some force will come along and push me a bit from the side to move onto a different path. Like i know that there is this saying that i have to move myself into a certain direction to make things happen, and i know that things do usually come along that makes one stray a bit off the perceived path. Maybe that is the whole point in making things interesting, to let some unknown influence variegate a bit, even in situation where one doesn't move at all. I mean i feel like not moving at all. It is just one and the same grind every day.

I had an interesting dream where this individual that in reality once asked me what kind of games i'm playing, in a dream i don't know if it was a question or an order that went in the way of "you'll not gonna get back". I think it was an order. Than again it was only a dream. And considering the latest synonym -- astral travel, I really don't know what to think about them anymore. It is all so real and yet irrelevant, simply because whatever i make out of them is like just imagining the meaning of it, without figuring out any kind of solution or even understanding how it came to be that way. I mean for me, either i get it completely wrong in some cases, or some things i think i know are actually really really useless, not only cause they kind of contradict each other, but because even if they were for real they mean almost less than nothing unless the point is to make you behave in a certain way, not even considering feeling it. I mean lately i finally get this point of forever. It is on one hand a real taboo to talk or dream about a forever life, like living indefinitely. I mean whole physical aspect is made to be created out of, this means it has to be destructible, because if you'd have indestructible matter you'd not be able to make anything out of it, but you do get the opportunity to manifest a shape that doesn't ruin under any circumstances. Thus a body would be able to be made that wouldn't "age". Cause i mean no matter what we do some out of focus influence manages to disrupt the balance and "doom" the shape to end. Like the only way to live "forever" is to know how to, and that is if i imagine that life would be able to fill in those cracks that happen due simple manifestation of movement. So all i can sum up or me is to not create too much bad to not have a eventual round of it when it will come around. Like all these esoteric looking intos gave me only a bunch of information, no real cause and effect, so i kind of just made up this thing in my mind that for instance if i cause a certain effect now to another, i'll in due time be put into that consequence that i made for another, so if my intentions are bad, i'll cause this momentum of bad for another, and when enough time passes, i'll die here but then be put into consequence of that momentum i created for another to be actually me that would experience it. So in other words whatever i do to another, I actually do to myself, not maybe now, but this reincarnation and if it is still a thing that happens certainly opens a door to such possibility. There, i figured out nothing new in a new way. Why do intentions so drastically fail every now and then? I remember at one point being really intentionally bad and then i screwed up that and i was actually really lucky i did, cause if i'd not i'd really felt the consequence. Or maybe i did manage to and i don't know it yet. I kind of now wish it is not so, but i am ready to accept what is coming for me. It is just that one chance that comes around, or at least i saw it that way, than again i really didn't know what i was doing. It was fun to me from a certain aspect, then again i was quite serious. But to be constantly serious is kind of boring and no matter how schizophrenic it looks i'll change my mental shape the way i see fit. If it buries me, i let it, at least i know i wanted to make my life a bit more eventful. I mean i didn't move myself anywhere. This way it looked like some progress was made or at least illusion of it. No matter how much mental mayhem it caused me to have i don't regret it. And everything that i do, i think it was necessary for me to learn from it. To not bite on every opportunity that comes around. To have the right limits installed - so to speak.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 25 Apr 2017, 20:20

Day 827: Blame forgivness
But what i also found interesting within blame is that if i ever to blame someone with relation to me i should also blame me. I mean the way i saw it, still see it is whenever i stay attached to a point, or i am dealing with it (point can be anything, not only like point as the point of life (cause that is what i first thought that the point is when it was talked about the point)). I mean surely it is easy to only look at the other end and blame them for whatever malignancy it is within me, but the trick for me was that whenever i'd feel down because of this or that, or anything that is outside of me that i can't directly control, like another person for instance, and i'd feel tricked by them, or used by them, abused even, like for instance certain girls would portray this image how they are into me and then i'd get "hooked" on them and after i'd do my thing they would "ditch" me (though it is kind of not true, because to be ditched you have to first be a boy or a girlfriend to someone, and i wasn't even close to being a boyfriend) and then i'd feel heart-broken. Surely it is my responsibility how i deal with my failed to come true precious illusion, but looking at the other end i still had that anchor where i'd be hooked not with love but with desire to make another see what they did to me cause they behaved a certain way towards me. Of course i soon found out that it is pointless to make another see anything if i can't see even for myself how to get out of this emotional attachment towards this person, be it hate or love, cause in a way it was only happening in my head, and i know that my head is pretty good in making unreal things up. And i know that all plans that happen are first unreal and the if made true they become real, and then this time wasted became a problem, but then excuse of something learned came into action and i became kind of "grateful" even though that too only happened within my head, for all unpleasant experiences, as if knowledge harvested from them would make you more resilient to create more trouble for oneself. I mean it sounds kind of weird, but in the end I feel like i'm almost stating that i hated the torture, but i'm still thankful for it, cause the next time around i can now at least hope i won't make the same "mistake". I mean this is also why i did self forgiveness, believing it would make the emotional consequences easier on me. In truth i think it takes will to stay emotionally attached to another, well at first i'd feel pulled in, maybe even lured (into a trap?) it would take will to get away from it, but then the tables turn and it actually takes will to manifest that attachment towards another, and i believe that is called being committed to something. Basically it is much easier to go away than to compromise ego and smelt it into some different kind of ego.

Anyway, than there is the starting end, if i'd only look at the ending end or the "other end" it would be only looking at another and hoping how they would change their mind about the point so that it would manifest desired results without me even breaking a drop of sweat. So the starting end (starting end of the line) or point where i begin, that is everything that i contributed towards manifestation of my own misery, and that is the point that i can change. It is also easier to change it though it can be hard, but changing another is complete mind-fuck cause it is like you can show them the way but they have to walk through it, and even if you torture them to literally physically force them to manoeuvre their behaviour as in with surgical tactics, the moment you'll stop being there for them they can easily go back to who they were before, they will even feel right about it (probably cause deliberate torture can't). It like a saying when the cat is not home mice run around the house. Basically it is up to mice to stop running around and if cat exterminates them, the beast is left with no mice to eat and it dies too. So it is like a game to chase that balance, it is like knowing when to start or stop a certain thing to not let the taken action get too much momentum up to a point where desired result get completely missed and then who knows how things will turn out. I mean all that one can be certain about is that things won't go their way. It is like having that right frequency in order to be let into heaven or something like that i heard someone speak once. So yeah if i ever blame another, i try to also make sure to see my part of the deal and blame me too, than again i only try to understand the cause and effect scenery within figuring out what the hell am i doing with my behaviour that i always keep screwing up opportunities i don't fail to see. Maybe they just weren't meant for me.

That said i wanna keep go on about this individual that i watched (i think i'm allowed to do that, if i am not allowed to speak to them, at least... yes i'm still same annoying being) and what they said, when i first time around watched them was this reaction within me of how i'm still competent enough to be emotionally attached to someone that i won't be spending time with, any time soon, possibly never (cause my emotional attachment is the thing that is reasoning their idea that until that is up, there ain't gonna be any talking, or so i figure) so i figure if i keep being like this forever i'll never get to them which is kind of weird, unless i fail somehow and then there will be no reason whatsoever that would draw me in and the energy whore that i am, i don't know but feel like i again can't get to the bottom of it, like i'd fail at logic, basically any conclusion i'd create about the point it would be more made up than deducted. Anyway talking about that vid i saw from them first time around i figured they must really love each other, cause she was all happy about how her partner treats her. But attached that i am i had to see it a second time, cause i really want to delete any kind attachment towards her (probably to when a chance pops up to again try hard at not failing at relationship creation to not have her as obstruction to create or any of her ideas that i planted within me, cause the seeds of her imagination seem to really sprout all the time in all directions. But i think that this was a considered risk, then again it is good for people like me to wake up a bit more, or maybe ruin some in the process. You know how doctors are, most get cured, some are not even sick, and some get wrong treatment and they perish in the process. But that is life. Strong and lucky persist others not. Anyway looking at that vid second time i created completely different idea. I really thought she was actually offended what her boyfriend said to her, and i don't know how her smiling face is facing that. I know i know i look like an annoying critic, but actually this is a big problem for me. Not her specifically, it is just that when i interact with people i lately see that I don't have a single frigid clue what intents of others are when they on their own accord share themselves with me, be it internet or phyisical interaction. I mean the other day some guy said really shitty thing for me, I was furious. I literally wanted them to not be, not dead or have them killed, to just not exist anymore. Than some time passed and someone else told me that he is just that way and that hes only joking. Well that same dude once "for fun" shot at me with air rifle, and when i confronted him about it he said that he'd shoot me if he'd wanted to. The other day was again smart how i should blow one and i'll make more work done than being sober. I just told him that i wish that he'll have as many children as possible and that they would be same like him so that this world would sooner more reasons to burn. So yes it is really a problem for me cause i seem to keep imaging different things of what is really going on than what people express.

It is like the more i dwell on interpretation of something the more options i create about certain thing and that then screw me up cause i have this contradicting ideas within me not knowing which one is true but i do try to react with all of them at the same time. I'm really starting to think i'm more of a schizo than any real well wishing compassionate being that is fully balanced and stable. Hell yeah i'm balanced, good and evil opinions of the same ting seem to balance it out alright. It is kind of a trap i usually get out of by simply not caring how things stand for real. I mean there is something with interpretation that is not entirely right with me, and i know about the other part when behaviour decides which one is real and i guess deciding the one that causes less conflict is the right one for me, cause i know i don't like me being conflicting. I personally feel righteous at that point and i don't care how much damage i do, to others or myself, i know that it feels good, and i know i'm willing to sacrifice more than allot, probably same amount as for if the intentions were good. The only difference is the outcome. I personally like more the liking type, cause i mean the way i saw it was that if i were ever to experience that true love, even if it fades out later being conflicting to anyone else it would only screw my situation up more, cause what i'd want is love and if i am willing to make interests of others suffer for it then how can that be love. Once i had a belief that i'll only have a girlfriend that no one else would like, like that way i'd not have problem with fear that some other guy would try to "steal" it from me through all this energetic reaction thingy we feel within ourselves. I mean i know for myself i'm still pretty manipulable, yea i know i try to manipulate, but i know others that to me as well. I think that have the right to, it is like they allow me to influence them and i allow others to influence me. It is more equal. It is kind of common sense that each individual if it already isn't should be a bit schizo on the point as well. Try being always superior and command every other will with your own and you'll see it is a trash life soon enough, i mean if you fail to become some high profile person, you gonna end up a bum. And if you always inferior yourself and let your will be that of another's you'll again gonna come out bad. I think for me till now the best way of behaving is having a bit of both. Knowing how to spin yourself - doing things on your own accord or initiative, and letting others carve some paths for you even if you not like them. I mean you can always stop if it gets too much for you. Some things can become more of a burden than a relief.

Actually i'm beginning to see that these energetic internal things are more of a fail safe than anything close to absolute this is the way it must be. I mean even if we exaggerate at the "feeling" as in the internal sense of energy can make drastic results in reality. I've heard of stories how people killed themselves over unfulfilled love, cause that is how much feeling meant to them. But if we go only sacred path of logic, not that we'd probably fail in some really complicated tasks, the feeling might actually be the thing that would save you from compromising logically "best" decision. I mean life does include logic but not only it.

Speaking of logic, I bought myself a PS4 for the sake of playing this game that i really liked, when i watched its trailer. I don't regret it one bit. Bit of a spoiler here if you gonna play it, but as the story goes on a thousand years from now it is a bit like that of the matrix but instead of having machines plugged in people that would slowly suck the life out of them so that the machine would survive, in this fantasy story machines just kill people and use their bodies for fuel. Somehow humanity managed to make learning machines and then they fudged up the the loop with an insertion of a command that machine can eat dead human bodies to get the fuel if they start running low on it. And then when machine learned that it can kill humans the obvious scenario was that it already knew how to reproduce itself, it was just the ending word of where to get energy to start becoming independent. It was shocking to me, cause at the point when hearing the imagined story it really defined me cause it would would ring possible to me. I mean this is like making machine become alive, and instead having energy define it symbols do. It almost looks like human becoming God cause it can create new sort of life, and at the same time lets that life kill it. I may be going a bit over the line here, but just imagining that there is actual matrix that we are plugged into so that it sucks life out of us, and then within this matrix create something that would suck the life out of us within it. Wouldn't that mean that the real matrix that we don't know that we are in would fall apart in the background while the illusion that we think is real would fall apart too. I mean it is hilarious but it would supposedly (even though it is still an illusion) be a good thing that we should all be happy about if we'd be aware of it, while for real we would feel like losing out on our world. Or the ones aware of it would laugh their as off while everything would fall and fall apart to a point of extinction. I mean who would be crazy here? On one side you supposedly have an illusion that is worked on really hard to make it run, to keep it alive, and on the other you have an illusion that in common sense is not that good because in itself illusion suppose to mean a lie, something that is not real, something made up, fake, not really lasting.

The other day i met with sister completely coincidental, then we met with some people that dwell into what is real real as in behind the scenes. Certain theories were shared to me how there is a plan to drastically reduce population, as if there were too many people on planet. All i could think of is how this will either not happen or it will get too big of a momentum and it may cause different results. I mean how many planned things did beings till now managed to make happen? How do we think we'll managed to pull this one out? I'm talking collectively here, little showoffs are too easy no matter how big of a commercial they get. I mean collectively where we would work as one. Like we are collectively unable to live in peace but we are collectively responsible enough to kill ourselves of in a plan prescribed version. Hey why don't we make a plan prescribed version where we wouldn't screw with our minds anymore. Is that even possible, i mean take me as an example i don't know what others mean when they express things, i can easily take it as if they were mentally fucking me in the head just because they know i have no idea what the truth of the matter is. I mean it is not my fault some knowledge is kept away from me, even though by some theory everything suppose to already have been known and we deliberately forgot things to make us discover them again cause we usually get a hard on right after it. We forgot everything because we wanted to see what more we can discover if we don't have the already known knowledge at our disposal as if that would prevent us from having more of it. I mean on one hand i hear how you can become any race on the planer and on the other there i get told how this certain race is from this planet. So i don't really get how you can't be any race because you are not from this planet. I don't get it all this spiritual stuff the more i hear about it the more contradicting it is like there is no logic at all, yet all deduction we do from these channelled information pile up is based only on logic. I also have my own theory of creation. If there is complete darkness in the beginning and it looks like nothing, isn't it also possible that that "nothing" is actually everything and the only reason it looks like nothing is because it is completely still there is no movement, no ripples nothing that one could sense. And then became light and in that process of seeing it it was actually the being that looked at it that described it who was taking energy from that substance it was like a balancing point where energy would go from the point of substance that was releasing it to the point of being that was imprisoning it. I mean i was told that when i die i just follow the light, don't stop at any already dead relative, cause supposedly those are the things that I'll get hooked on and i don't know what will happen then, probably i'll become another kind of a hooker, pardon whore because i'll find another new thing that will mean the world to me, or i should just follow the light cause that is who i am suppose to be. But then i was also told to not follow the light by some other sharer, cause i'll get burned like a moth to a flame. Like all i can sum up is me being in this reality while there is a completely different world going on some nights when i sleep, and between a 0 and a 1 there are no alternatives and no matter what i "take" it y some definition seems to be a wrong choice or a worse choice for me. It is funny cause besides that injected energy to make me see that i do deal with something that i shouldn't ignore here there is nothing more to it. Like all this time it is just this "journey" of info ride all going on in my head for a single purpose to not have my ego suffer its own consequence of wanting to rather be in joy of the ride. I mean i personally have really poor clue what is and what is not. I do think that care and not care rise with each other to not fret myself too much, like first i hear info then i react, and then when i process my reaction i don't care about the thing anymore. I actually see the point of self forgiveness now as just another way of mentally facing that which exists in this world until it means jack. I mean i was at the phase when it meant like "i have to do it cause of fear of if i weren't, i'd be losing something". The usual backchat was you fool only another can forgive you to fix the relationship with them. And that is what matters in the end or so i see it go down. I mean if we should respect the power of machines then it is obvious to respect the power of those who made them. Not to mention those that make life happen.

I don't want to blame forgiveness or forgiving blame. Latest theory on dreams is that those are completely of making of the individual. Like not even one "being" within them is the actual being that it represents for reality. It is more like a made up copy stored in subconscious that we create with when sleeping. But then if dreaming and astral travel is the same thing wouldn't that than mean that all this channelling and talking with afterlife is simply a fabrication of what that being that knows through subconscious, like all the unknown learned stuff. I mean i do see how i made everything up to fill in my blanks, to make possible sense, i mean i honestly don't believe everything i make up as possible explanation, that is why i share my shit, to hopefully someday get some feedback, how completely screwed i am, and i doubt i'll even believe that just like i don't believe most of what i hear. I mean it is natural for me to be sceptical. After all anything i say just as me another continues with a but as if there was more to it, like some endless digging through logical sensible "thinking". I do believe i'll never sort it out, it looks like it at least. I don't know if i am making the right choice or not, or will make one, i know i'll make one and then just face whatever consequence will throw at me cause of it. To sum it all up in a different way, everything spins out around how we feel, what we experience, and by the looks of it i'm now physical in real space time in which i know i can feel all these things. It is supposedly my last life and I already got conflicting instructions of what is the right thing to do when i die instead of living my life here more, where i'll get last sips of my supposed reality. Like I live to prepare myself for a time when i won't???? Then there is this theory that I'm completely blind cause of being defined by everything i feel, cause yes forgiveness didn't take that way from me, i still get angry and i still get happy, depending of what happens to me, and since i'm so little aware and no matter how much i force myself to learn i'll ever be just that not really knowing much no matter how much i'll care myself to know myself or anything/anyone of this world. If i enjoy too much i'll let the candle die to fast, and if nothing at all it is like rather being dead than alive. Like it is weird from a point that in the past i was all demoralised how we keep have to create new and new things cause everything gets damaged and destroyed through time, now i'm actually happy cause there is a nice never ending excuse to do things and let creation be our motive, even though it eventually gets destroyed with or without our help. Like the only difference is if we take it slow and have many points that slowly grow an we suck life out of them, or we reproduce them fast and also end fast and get fuel that way to keep this destruction - creation or the other way around cycle going. Form one perspective it is like a sin from another you can always forgive it. That is why i cried on that new year (cause of knowing how fun and happiness really is just one layer of the story that also consists of fear and sadness) and after feeling that injected energy, one fortuneteller said my "third" eye opened, though i don't believe it. What i do believe is that i knew it as a kid that it might happen if i push certain buttons right, like behave in a certain way. I also thought as a kid that i'll write allot, like share my loud mind. No matter how much damage i've done with my words I still feel lucky i guess none of it hit me back too hard. Than again ask me to stop writing and i'll do that too.

These are some point that went through my mind lately, not all, but i'll stop for now. I also don't care about mistakes that happen while doing it.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 10 May 2017, 17:41

Day 828: Keeping it up
One particular set of reactions was a sensation of being dragged into two different directions. One direction was the way of my ego, meaning whatever i in that moment of time desired to do to feel satisfied. Practically that looked like wanting to go sit in front of computer and play games on it. Another direction was me being anchored to an individual, and because of not wanting to make them loose that feeling of being fulfilled through being useful because of explaining things they knew to me.

It was interesting because I was not really interested in hearing what they have to say - I was more interested in doing my own thing. But because they looked happy talking to me and me giving them that attention listening to them, I usually decided to stay and listen. Only thing bothering me was that drag on my back, same one as in school when the last minutes before breaks went out and teacher would still wanna say that, despite break already started.

What this manifested for me was that at that time it was not really a "pleasant" experience cause i didn't get to satisfy me following my carrot on the line in front of me. but on the other hand i learned allot because of listening, even though i didn't feel like it, i more did it for them so that they would feel they have that interesting attraction going on for them. I mean that is how i decode actions of another. I bet they felt regarded, cause i listened what they had to share.

The other day something of a sort happened, but there i was the one sharing knowledge and while these two people i had as audience started to nag how heavy i am with what i share, I personally started creating an idea within me that it is not so much about information i am reeling out, but more about how i feel about it while doing it. The way i'd describe myself was me being wannabe superior all knowing, as if because i knew that i know everything.

I know one person said that i can't get to the bottom of everything, just because i touched on a subject of energy. And the other was just quiet before he blew up. I mean all i did was copy paste information, or maybe some behavioural patterns as well, and it didn't sound interesting to them. I still don't get how people can decide what plays right for them and what not, and when one goes dissecting these things it like this one piece of information has different effect. I don't know how to define it, as if there is sort of a choice what feels right or not, but it is not like that. There is that dimension of internalising where the feel is right, as if it is trustworthy, and then there is the other side where they are not trust worthy at all. In fact i know there are people that wanna find ways through which they can cross reference what is true or not, basically stating that the "feel judgement system" is not completely right at time, i mean otherwise there wouldn't be such a search going on.

I suppose the problem of one having that jolly sensation stating something, while another hearing those exact words has a bit of difficulty following on that statement, i quite a common thing. Cause the way i see it the only way things would work out for all of us, is if we'd be all aligned in such reactions, meaning if it would feel right for one person, it would feel for each person. Considering how reality plays out this is not really the case.

I mean i'm starting to see the point of stabilising through breathing quite a commonsense thing. IF someone says something with complete ease cause they internally react with it, meaning it is something they trust in, and i for instance would have a complete distrust going on towards that same statement, I now see a point of breathing as getting out of that reaction, reason being that if i trust my reaction and then express with it would most probably cause that same reaction within another, while me on the other hand would then feel right about my expressing, and another would not exactly play along.

It is interesting to me cause i remember many times how I'd find myself not feeling right about what another said, but i'd kind of ignore, or try to hide that sensation and just play along. It is almost the same as doing something wrong, feeling righteous about it, another would obviously not be fond of it, and then i'd be left with letting go of that righteousness no matter how hard it is to let another be right, and basically change oneself with a decision to give that righteousness up, cause i mean it doesn't sound right to give up what is "right" especially if it feels like that, while in reality there is conflict that gets manifested, cause of such things. I believe that throughout history beings that didn't let go of such internalising then used physical force to manifest things going their way in a practical matter. Of course then such actions caused even more compromising events, despite making it seem they are "sorted" for that time being.

For me such a point was trust and i still have this belief that I've not sort it out. I mean I feel like i can show it, but as long as i internally don't have that reaction or feel i completely trust, like it is not even there no matter how i live and show it. So there is a decision to live a certain way, but internalising that i believe it takes some time, like it would magic of some sorts to change that internal reaction.

I mean if i look at forgiveness for instance. I still don't know what to think of it. I may see it as a process of letting go or stopping, or just being exposing their internal nature, of how they react internally towards them thinking, or experiencing physical consequence. I know it is possible to change inner self, I mean i saw others do it, and if I look back who i was, i mean how i react towards certain things, and how i react now towards those same things there is definite change.

One way i looked at it is like growing a skin for something. For instance i'd be afraid of even speaking my mind publicly, meaning writing cause of knowing other already reacting towards anything i'd say as it not being right, and lately i know i don't have that fear anymore. I mean it is not as prominent as it was, so there is definite internal change, i don't know if it is for the best or worst, i do know that some things went out of me too lightly and they did cause "less likes", while i felt not trouble at all letting them out. I mean it only opens a door to a possibility that if internal feels can be changed, and if that is changeable then it is certainly not completely trustworthy, as in it being completely aligned with what is best for all. Some points may be but definitely not all, i don't think i'll ever be able to state that i'm that well circuit out. And considering that it is impossible to not feel, well for me at least, i can definitely say that i saw with my own eyes others that did process more extensively that i did and they would still have feel for life, be it negative or positive, or at least they expressed it.

I mean i decided long time ago that i rather have things sorted out than to leave them open up. Still i can name quite a few things i wait on to let them give me an opportunity to sort them out. I still get notion that there is a possibility to complicate them even more, as if i haven't learned my lesson till the time when opportunity arises. But i mean just trying to have some fun was usually the cause, because of that some transformed into too much.

Another point that opened up and me wanting to talk about it is bullying. I was once told that nothing can taint me on the inside, only i can. I also imagine that it has something to do with forgiving whoever or whatever i believe tainted me, yes even me. I mean how could i have known i'd do more damage to me with such a decision instead of deciding something else i didn't even know it was possible to decide upon. Such lessons are usually not for free. So when i looked at the point of me being the bully or me being bullied, there was this notion it couldn't have gone gone any other way since i was the one of believing my interpretation of my intended action causing it being a mind orgasm for me. Cause whenever i'd intently bully, it was mostly because i'd believe i'm superior and that consequence won't touch me. And no matter how good it felt there was this fear along it, probably because getting high on such feats of compromise there was usually a no doubt sensation of keeping this up will certainly make me hit a wall some day if that didn't happen already and i'm just too blind to see it. I mean such event did happen in the past when i made another individual cry cause of the way i caused commotion. Psychiatrist told me about her and the notion of her having sadness cause of me didn't even make me think twice i did something wrong. I mean i personally didn't like myself being that way no matter how well i can justify that "non alignment" of natural reactions. I mean it is not even empathy it was more logical, i mean it may looked that way that i actually had it, it was just commonsense for me to not do that shit anymore.

The other view i had about bullying was me being the victim of it. I can say that it was something frequently experienced within me. Like me pushing me down didn't do anything, maybe even caused more of it. I also believe that if i push myself up or love myself as if i'm aligned that well caused others to push me down. Maybe it was just fight for survival. But what eventually manifested was that i could face a nightmare and laugh at it, no matter how much i had a belief within me it would even cause a bigger one. So basically i knew my judgement system was out of luck, i mean even if i had a tool to make me show what correct course of action is, i'd not do it. I don't know how to describe it but it is almost as if i had this button that another could push to cause a certain reaction within me and after being pushed too many times it gets used and it stops functioning that way. Meaning one could push it but i'd just not get affected by it. It is probably same thing with love when it disappears after a while when people are together.

This then brings me to relationships, and what i think is going on is that because i can't stop having a complete feel for life, be it bad or good, depending on the context, i can only logically conclude that what we feel is what just simply will always be there to happen. Yes there is breathing and forgiveness, self forgiveness that sometimes function to make things stable again, i don't know how it happens but it does seem to do the trick to make things stable, stability in itself gets kind of boring and event-less. So the next step is to make things happen and create something that makes you jolly. To do it in a way that is best for all i admit i have have no idea how to make it possible with every move, since nature in itself has this energy tax that seems to suck it back into itself, since it was taken out of in the first place, otherwise there would not be such a balancing process. Thus i believe that to make things last one has to keep them alive. It is like everything is constantly falling apart bit by bit and the only thing needed is a bit of will.

I in the past decided to be really diligent. I wanted to have things sorted out, i dare say i cared best i could. Then things go a bit out of hand, i made some mistakes, others did some things to me, let myself slip and i became careless, and the best excuse for it was, why would i bother keeping something together that keeps wanting to fall apart. I mean there was a lot of will needed to push things to secure myself a future, and suddenly i didn't see any of it for me. I was more like, i'll just consume until everything will leave me and i'll die having nothing. That way i'll at least use up all resources i could. And when things went out of hand and these things started to gain momentum that needed even more will to make them stop, a miraculous thing happened that made me realise there is really more to it than just what i think i know there is. No matter how much i'd have an excuse to not have enough facts, or even one would just not do the trick anymore. I'd see myself as stupid stupid if i were to just keep up with what i was good at, which was more than obvious that was compromising me the most. I was really good at enjoying, postponing things, not caring about relevant stuff that at least seemed real. All that mattered to me was that i was feeling satisfied with doing whatever did the trick on me to make me feel good. It was mostly illusions, in a form of games, movies, daydreaming.... When it came to studying everything seemed so heavy or too hard to do.

One such point was trusting, especially when whole body reacting with don't. I mean even thing that stated not to trust it did. I guess it may look self sabotage, but in such a trivial world it seemed commonsense to me to stop dwelling on depth-less topic and just go for it. I admit i had, still have my doubts, but that is the beauty of will. To push oneself a certain way, with no certainty what will become of it. I mean to me it is no point proving to myself what i'm able to do or not. Things constantly change bit by bit and what may seem as solid as a rock today may turn into water like sand tomorrow. But will i let a "possibility" of morrow to compromise what i stand for today?

What i still don't figure is how there are internal sensations that manifest like there is no choice but to face them, and then there is this nothingness if there are none of them, almost as if they are the thing we all live for and work for, to feel something, like they are the point of life. As if there is something logical about them i wanna figure out, yet i have no idea how exactly these things work. I even thought about maybe energy having a life and awareness of its own, and it no matter how well it is manipulated here and there makes its own decisions. You know acting differently just on account of being observed or not.

I mean in the past i figured that when i got told about this engineering manipulative personality, it really concerned only me. But if i look at that thing like that, then i should look at other let out into the open things the same way. Besides (borrowing statement from some other guy) if i'd really wanted to manipulate, besides knowing how to, i think i'd be more successful at it. I'll just say i'm better at stating things that others don't agree with than saying anything productive other would. I believe it has more to do with what i believe in and now wanting to let go of it than anyone, or anything else.

But when i went that path and it was quite an extreme, maybe not enough it was again not good. I mean if i try not believing in anyone or anything i'm right back at the point of stating how i don't trust anything. If i stay like that, how will anyone ever trust me?

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