Ambrož's journey to life

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 17 Jul 2016, 22:46

Day 788: Self deception

So with relation to previous blog, i had a reaction of excitement for about 2 days after i wrote it because i released information out of myself that i personally wanted to keep secret and have it "nobody would believe me style". And while that extraordinary experience that was pretty much a dream happening, there was a big question within myself with regards to some other information, specifically interpretation of certain experiences within dreams. For all i know once i created certain thoughts about certain situations it was too late for me and the only thing left to do with connection with my mind was to dig and analyze information even deeper.

One way of looking at it was that whatever i was speaking to myself within myself was actually correct with no illusions about it. I could look at the point as some reference of what I've done in past within the dreamt up world, like a point of ego. Here is what i was capable of, and this should suppose to give me some respect. But then within dream itself i knew that if i were not give whatever i didn't want to part with or wouldn't trust giving away to another, simply someone else would fill in the blank. So it was either me or someone else, which created sort of a fear of what i might miss out on if i didn't do whatever i resisted yet counted on to bring me closer to this individual that i was chasing after within my dreams, and on top of that, the thing that i ran away from would not let go of me just like i didn't want to let go of that individual. The dreamy story was to my mind endlessly complicated and i do remember that sometimes after waking up thinking allot on the point that i was facing, simply because i didn't make anything out of it yet i wanted to, i took it as important even though i may be just bullshitting myself.

Speaking of lying to myself there was always another aspect that i considered within the point of dreaming. This was that there was a potential that i was lying to myself to look myself feel like I've done something "special"or "great" because when i would look at the reality and compare it to what i was experiencing during sleep it couldn't compare at all. This was because i would in reality see myself as sometimes having a really bad time and actually i remember a point in time where i was looking forward to sleeping because it was way more interesting to experience the dreams than to experience everyday physical life. What i usually came down to within myself at least was that sobering fact that i am a highly delusional person because the only way to compensate the relationship with beings in reality was to think of myself as someone with a bit more long lasting purpose. I'll be frank, In my real life i had little respect from other beings and the way things were going down i was always deeply convinced that i had to do something terrible in the past so that god, or karma or simply life had such a play on me. The delusion about me being special or having some special abilities that even i wasn't aware of supposedly was the only thing that kept me going. I'd mostly ignore and avoid conflict with others except those that i "knew" they wouldn't hurt me if i were to be angry at them, as if each such avoidance had a reason of me having more important things to focus on than to be bothered by some being that would slander me right in my face and I'd just not know what to say to get back at them and was mostly scared that I'd fire them up even more, and while thinking about all the collateral that might come out of it, it was just too complicated to see the correct outflow so I'd rather not act at all. I mean there were rare people that would tell me that I'll go high, but in reality I made me feel like a fool to even imagine that i did something great to the world. I mean really whole mental picture of me if pretty fucked up because i had interpretations within me that i did want to cross reference but was to shit scared to do it in any kind of other condition than the one i imagined. It so happened i got different opportunity to share my mind fucks that may as well screw my life even more especially because of what others might think of me, but i mean it was some pretty weird stuff that happened that i have no understanding of. Even though that here and there i tend to think that i know exactly what is going on, but that is an interpretation also, so because of this little annoying think i call self doubt i tend to see myself as delusional and a complete mental disaster that i have to think of myself as great through a illusion that i believe has happened and was potentially true, while in reality i more or less am the joke that others make fun out of, because to their mind i suppose they think that i think I'm more than them, thus naturally they would constantly put themselves above me through telling me whatever they come up with to make themselves feel good about themselves. I mean that is when i did this same act towards others.

I'll be frank, when something bad was said to me that i felt unworthy of, and I'd felt hurt for being treated unfairly, I'd in a moment of experience freeze. But when I'd go to bed I'd usually reflect on what has happened and imagine myself having some sort of ability that would top theirs or god knows what else that i would have or could use to seek "revenge" and get back at them, even if it is just mental harm. In moments of rage the only thing I'd actually wish was to have some sort of knowledge or realization through which i could influence others to stop pissing on me. But it is just probably of how i look. It is natural to me that others would not want to deal with me, because i simply look, like I'd not say alien, more like a freak. I actually came down to a conclusion that if knowledge what is really correct about existence would be shared, like assumptions that we can't not exist, that there is no real judgment system that would even things out (within this inequality can potentially exist endlessly), that we will always deal with each other one way or another. Well the most important one was that we would for instance not see the end of ourselves, because this little simple supposed fact would mean endless possibilities of what we can create. But that was just me looking for best for all things. Some of thinking was pretty spiteful and destructive, even though it was just a delusion, some of it was pretty high up above the clouds, but that was and i lately realize, still is me. What i do for practical assistance towards myself is to stop this kind of thinking because i mean it is sort of a waste of time with an illusion to feel good about it, instead of wasting time to make a reality that I'd feel good about it. And as per dreams, there are many more I'd really want to talk about, even though I'd probably bore you with them.

Anyway running into Desteni was a real dream come true. I admit i had pretty intense reactions that I'd not heed, but would still make me doubt me if i am at the right place. I had lost of backchat about everything that to my mind was just wrong, but then again if i were to make any kind of successful relationship with the community, last thing i should do is to preach what is right when in reality i haven't got really a clue about what is fair or not, right or not. But the most important piece of information to me that was being shared was that death is not the end of existing. I mean this could really influence how we live if we consider that whatever action we create now contributes to eternal long term consequence that is always haunting us, cause usually consequences that we hunt for, tend to loose their meaning when all the experience is drained from them, what is left is usually some side effect that were not considered and that needs recycling (I'd literally thing that the whole physical existence was created on account of just that. We did one thing, with that contributed to another, and that disregarded manifestation just looked interesting to someone that then made it into what it is. I mean from any kind of trash one can create a fortune, provided it is treated properly, and there are many kind of ways to be rich, not just money kind.)

Speaking of wanting to be right i had a conflicting experience where this individual wanted to do a certain thing that i myself didn't do 100%. I'd deliberately not want to let them do it, despite the fact that i argued that i did the job right, but in the end still done it the way i was told to by another, so all that resistance and arguing was pointless in the end. I think it was my ego refusing to admit that they had a point. I had a point to, and i wanted to be right, they also wanted to be right, and in the end finding that they were, i actually realized that i have this bad tendency to do something wrong or not completely right and then justify with anything that i can imagine that i am right and they are wrong. Like even when i know i messed up I'd still try to mind up thing to justify my initial response as being correct even though I'd in the end regret it that much more because of taking it the wrong way even further.

Another thing that i was fortunate of was that an individual would told me how she when we were young didn't have any sinister intentions when she hurt me pretty bad. What happened was that i got my primary central incisors pushed into permanent ones as i was biting on an edge of a counter in the kitchen. What i interpreted happened was that she did it intentionally with a reason that i wanted to have a piece of cake on the counter and she was envious of me that i get everything that i desire or something like that and she hit me with her elbow. What she told me now was that she was feeling kind of friendly and she simply lean on my head with her elbows, no idea that i was chewing on the edge of a counter. It was interesting to me because i had this idea in my head that i was secretly hated by her, like she would put up this smile while inside I'd assume she was basically an evil bitch. In fact she was not the only one i interpreted that way. I knew i was bullshitting myself to a certain extent because even if I'd ask any supposedly evil person if they are honestly evil they would probably deny it and if they would confirm it I'd then imagine they would joke by agreeing and make fun out of my paranoia.

Another thing that i found out about myself is how I'd once I'd share a secret, while I'd see it as a delusion create further scenario on account of it, if i was actually correct. Like for instance something mind blowing that would happen would create a search for description of it and then after finding out there are just too many possibilities of what may actually be happening, some of already made interpretations would then despite having doubt in them, or considering them as fiction, still treat them as fact and that would only deepen my mind mess. I mean one sole question i had when my mind was blown, was that despite thinking i set it up for myself, like some sort of wake up call that I'd forget about it, or maybe someone else did it, no matter, I asked: "what is real". like i knew that my secret mind and all the secret interpretations i had within me were too complicated to fit them all into one existential picture, or maybe i somehow managed but there are still lots of unknowns. I mean to me despite admitting that i don't really know what i made up within my mind and what actually happened for real, it still mattered to me what was relevant, what is real, what is worth dealing with and what is completely pointless to waste time with.

Another thing that i found about myself is how easy it is for me to get fooled by another. I got more proof of how naive i am when a "friend" of mine called me pretending he was from some local firm to offer me a job interview. I bought the joke instantly despite time being nine p.m. (no one works at that hour in administration). The laughs from others saved me from completely buying it. I was furious and try to imagine what kind of revenge I'd have to sort them out and set things straight, so that they would stop making fun out me. I was really pissed, but then something good actually come out of it. Because lots of people were listening one said that i actually made a mistake when i was asked for time for next week to set up an appointment, and i said i have no time because i was suppose to babysit. Cause of all the free market economy and brutal job market behaviour i should have answered that i always have time because i am unemployed.

I was actually pretty happy this week wondering what a messed life i live. I actually had a day when there was so many things to do and i for the first time after few years didn't bother with it. Like i literally didn't care about the consequences like if some beings from dimensions are watching me and judge me how i don't have any motive to do anything, basically no matter what I'd think of doing i was too lazy to do it. There was nothing motivating me. I almost felt cured from all the worries i used to have.

Another point came up within me with regards to my interpretations, and that is that when i speak of delusions i am actually serious that i might be deluded, like I'm too fast speculating what might have been going on, and then after it is too late start to treat the interpretation as fact. Well i bounce back to maybe I'm just lying to myself in such a was where self deception is unrecognized and the point of all of it is that when i share information with another another may actually believe me that i speak the truth even when i say that i just imagined it was that way, like in a way me unconsciously manipulating another to consider me in picture i myself don't believe, but just maybe it is true. I mean i don't even know if it is true, yet what bothers me most within it was how it get to it. Like did i just made it up because i wanna be special, or is there some truth to it. Basically what is the point or purpose of thinking up something. Or maybe memory works that way, it doesn't leave you alone and let you live in peace until experience is sorted out.

Another story i heard from this same individual that i mentioned earlier within my teeth problems, was about her meditation practises. She said that the other day when there was suppose to have been a huge storm, she meditated and within trans or whatever that state is she inflated like a balloon through the whole valley we live in and when she completed her thing the storm stopped. Just for test she stopped meditating and within 3 minutes storm supposedly kicked back in full force. Then she did the meditation again and again stopped it through the same doing of inflation or something. I mean it is pretty similar case as with me. Either it is another mind fuck this time on her side or there are just to many witches around that just do their thing. I also told this story to a friend and he surprisingly agreed that it might be possible, but then point out the problem of maybe someone wished for it to happen, in which case it brings us back to initial problem of who's will be done and who's not.

And today something strange happened. As i was sitting at the local bar some guy that wanted to beat me up in dressing rooms when we were alone, and actually acknowledged me with blinking. I basically only had that past in my head of his threats and sit still like a statue and a bit tensed. But it was interesting to me how he didn't say anything at all and was pretty much calm. I caught myself again in a pattern of holding on to old states of relationships and deliberately not wanting to greet him even though he greeted me. Like the only reaction i can muster is revenge. I must fix this attitude of me.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 24 Jul 2016, 18:01

Day 789: Puzzling myself

I had eventful week in good and bad. It was kind of fun being a babysitter and even though it was just 4 days, i kind of saw the crude picture of dealing with kids. It is interesting that it all came down to same old things each one of us is dealing with - that is how i see it, where we are conditioned by our own "free choice" and the "obvious demands" of others. First i was kind of fearful that i might do something wrong and bad for the child, but when it got "down to busyness" it was just a matter of "bluffing" of how to spend time and then getting it done whatever it was that i planned. Some things went smoothly like doing the essentials and the have fun part (sort of). Kid wanted to play with puzzles but then when i started putting the pieces together she wanted to put the unused pieces just on one pile, like it looked good to her, while the other day she then decided to play the platypus and "dig" through the pile of puzzle pieces and just scatter them all over the room. Basically it was just me putting the puzzle together while she ran around the room and play with different toys she had laying around. Then the climbed on me pulling my hair, and i played the horse that carried her around. I think that she got the being a platypus idea from looking at cartoons. I let her watch a bit more of them thinking I'll please her because she was all hyped about them, but then when i saw her getting all restless walking around the living room i decided to put out the TV cause i thought that she actually needed more moving around than to sit still and be hypnotised by TV screen. Full of energy as she was, she became really unstoppable in running around the house doing all sorts of things.

A few times i actually got angry at her to make her follow my demands. Sometimes it worked sometimes not so much. One time i tested if she wanted to learn how to write letters and she was not all that interested in the thing. Sandbox, trampoline, swing, cartoons, puzzles, Lego's, drawing with chalk on the floor was her thing, but top of the line was when i went out to water the garden where she wanted to do it for me. She was my little child labour slave for few minutes and then i took over because she was more into playing with water than getting the plants and the soil wet. It was a hot day and and her mom watching this actually ended up telling me to shower her with the underground water. The kid loved it and jumped with joy around the place. I was actually happy that i didn't manage to mess the babysitting thing up, plus i got payed something so that i won't be completely broke till my next job.

As per my employment i have only few days left from being completely "grounded" taking care of house and garden. I found my next job that I'll see how i manage at. It's sort of momentary construction working till i find some employment that has more to do with my education. I had one job interview with a company that plans to establish a new team of engineers that don't have much experience. I really hope I'll get chosen to be part of the team and at best I'll have the job within a month. Though, once more i got shown how I'm not entirely convinced in what happened in the past. What happened was that i got called in one morning for a job interview, and i set up a meeting for next day, but then the same day i got called again, and was asked if i forgot about the interview. I got instantly confused because i wrote it down for next day and person on the phone said she told me to come the same day. So i honestly didn't know if i heard wrong the first time around, or she made a mistake. Either was i wasn't worried about her making it, i was more worried how unaware i was of what i was dealing with, like this is the third time this year that i heard or read something and then after some time passed i read or talked about it again and it was completely different from what i remembered the first time around. I really think that I'm not only delusional within a mental scene which is my internal thinks of me interpreting the situation, like making sure that i don't miss the obvious, but also on real level where i actually mix up information from reality. Well either i am still a mess that i always was or this mental mishaps are getting to me. It is kind of unpleasant for me to say this but either I'm getting more and more crazy or the world around me is. Probably bit of both.

And for my delusional personality problems i think i really improved my behaviour within my mind because lately i no longer think of all the mind fucks i had. Also my fears seemed to dissipate. I mean i was really in this persona that i have to do something that i don't even know what it was in order to save the situation from happening a certain unpleasant way for me or another. And now that i saw how it really is not only up to me and even when i imagine or i dare say have tried to make things go my way others didn't really agree with it so there was that and actually the true powerlessness within influence over others came to spurt out of already inflated "my way of living and what is right" that each one of us carries with us. Not to mention that honestly i don't have any idea what correct action is that would be right and within that best for all. I mean any action I'd have others do would just be an extension of my self interest, and besides for real i always saw myself as a nobody, a small part. I mean i admit that there was a period of few years where imagination got to me and i ended up being a nervous wreck, almost felt fitting for mental institution, i just intentionally didn't want to go there because i knew it was just all in my head and if i looked at the real deal it was just as a day before. Eternally screwed yet still searching for the next big thing that would make one go hype out of joy.

As for fear, when i was in midst of it, it was just imagining that I'm perfect in what i craft or create within my mind as this is it this is how it will go down and there is no way of preventing it. Basically it was me believing that i was perfect in my interpretation of things (mostly seeing them as going to go wrong, and not according to my self interest) and then fearing i was right. Though that due to all the bad and the good that happened to me within my life I'd always see the situation as perfect no matter how sinister or joyful it was. It happened the way it was "allowed" to and even though what I'd wish for, and god damn me if others are not the same, most of the time I'd forget about my wants by some other things that would take my attention, some happened the way i wanted because they were simple to manifest or create, whatever. And some were right in my face, like so close and still so far far from happening to me, and there was no other way but to let them go, and was even told to do so by others and it was sure hard enough, i dare say i still imagine what would it be like if it would work out, but then i remember that i only giving myself more energy and though that, holding on to such things. But best (i write in irony) was when i was completely confused by fear because of deciding to participate in something that my self interest wanted to get and the real deal was a demand to not be allowed to be in fear, and yet i was. Mostly because of many things, but what really got to me was my "godlike" imagination was the think i only suffered from, more or less, like thinking that things will go my way is far from real yet somehow i imagined that others are contributing to making myself believe that. I almost want to blame another, but then what kind of a man I'd be if i'd blame someone else for something bad and everything that is good was due to only me. I mean it is kind of tough to have another as a contribution to an event, because as soon as another is in the game it almost looks absolute that another is the only reason things are for instance going not so smooth. I rather looked at situations from a wider perspective where each one of us is a part of the picture that contributes to it even if completely still, or within inaction.

For one thing forgiveness nor self forgiveness didn't work on me to help me feel any better because of them. What i think i needed was time to see how situation for real developed so that I'd for real see if it was even worth to worry and fear of all the not haves and the loss. It is not so much about the time than the development of how things turn out to stand. It takes time to see that, and until there are unknown aspects that can contribute to development of situation there will be "unreasonable fears" yet they are (i think) just because of that uncertainty. I mean you can't prove what doesn't exist but it can become really tricky if this gets to you, because i mean in the mind, one can do such misaligned things that reality would never be able to manifest yet the feeling from them coming true in reality by simply imagining it is overwhelming. It can really affect the quality of life. The worst is probably that in the end the only one that can help you is you, and despite all the excuses, at least in my case, how others needed to do something so that I'd get mentally better is to a certain extent true. I'd seek comfort with this individual sometimes and despite the being much conflict between us, I'd in the times of a down seek their help in hope they would deliver the correct words to me that would make me feel better. Another part of fear is that it makes you see what you really love, or like, so from that perspective is not that bad to let yourself know what gives you purpose in life.

It was weird for me that someone would demand to feel a certain way, to condition me through the way that i feel, because of how i couldn't control myself, how i couldn't calm myself, how i didn't know any other cure for the way that i felt than to simply wait for things to unravel and then bully myself for making myself feel a certain way because it was conditioned by guessing because the real picture was not fully known to me. I mean i didn't believe in the parts of it, why would i believe in any part of it. Yet i wanted to blame. I wanted to blame for the pretty commercial, and when it got down to reality it was not as i was told. It didn't help at all and at best what i got out of myself was a bit of rage because of wanting to see everyone else as contributors to my way of living and decisions, that would make me who i am. I mean in the end it was still up to me if i were to stand forever an angry being or I'll simply accept the fact that i was not who i had myself to be, or imagine myself to be and that is that. it was simply an illusion of whatever i was interpreting within my mind, i bet certain things were seen the right way, it was just the imagination that some things that were seen the wrong way, yet were better from what i was experiencing, that i used to make myself feel a certain way about them. Once i thought that what i internally feel is actually a prize or a price for the way i was contributing to the creation of reality, yet somehow i always had an ever-presence of doubt each time I'd try to conclude the obvious that i secretly didn't have any idea what it really was yet i was afraid if i were to ask what the obvious is, i mean i don't see it and everyone else does, then I'm the evidently stupid one. Then again i asked things that were important to me, and i got no answer because it is just the way it is. I don't expect myself to know everything to the very last detail of perfection. If anything i would indulge in details only when i knew that the point had a big influence on the outcome, otherwise i was more or less willing to sacrifice bits and pieces than to after some time suffer the obsession I'd saw myself in, by simply keep asking the same question the same person because I'd want their answer. Of course I'd stop giving a damn about what would pester me if i got no comfort from getting an answer and in other words this pretty much developed into my "I don't care personality". This was mostly in my kid years that i was full of questions and imagination of what is really going on, but more information i collected the more complicated picture became. One thing i imagined was that if there are more lifetimes, I'll sacrifice this one for being good, not wanting to hurt anyone (though I'm more terrible at this), and the next one for being the opposite of it, like instead of just being still or trying to sort situations out with yelling and words, I'll just use force, if I'll be able to, to have my will done. Through time i really saw the effect of time and that it is impossible to live a certain frame of mind. I guess the adaptation sooner or later gets to everyone, like one has no choice but to accept the given situation and develop according to it. The other choice is most likely suffering the consequences of being stubborn.

I mean it is the charm of life, if you'd know what you'll get it would be far less exciting and interesting. You'd know all the extraordinary things that will happen, making them not so extraordinary. The other side is that there is no guarantee that things will always run smoothly, i mean it is almost a guarantee that one will have a hard time for whatever reason at some point. I think we all agreed to it in some long forgotten past, but don't let it get to you. I mean it is pointless to worry about some future unpleasant "supposedly guaranteed event" and once it would supposedly happen, after math is just managing, but before that happens that is never ending feeling of loss or fear towards what is gonna get down to. Like in either case if it happens it is pointless because after it will happen you are either gonna keep fearing the event that you are actually in and you'll be forced to stop it cause otherwise you gonna suffer the event forever. Or it will never happen and it is pointless to fear something that will never happen because it is like ultimate joke you'll pull on yourself because it will be an illusion that you'll believe is real and it will make you feel just terrible, for absolutely no purpose at all. The good thing about illusions is that they never stand for a whole lot of time, so at least that can give you some guarantee that there is a future where you'll laugh at all the worries you'd now for instance have.

I mean that is at least how i did it. "Hopes" of a better time than i was facing are sure to come by. I mean if it weren't like that, and would for instance there be an existence where some would constantly have to suffer so that others would constantly have a free good time, I'd either extensively work on it to fix it or to end it completely and begin with something new. I don't think that living a eternal life like that is worthy of existing.

The other day i learnt that everything is actually already prepared to get to doomsday scenario. Personally i don't even know why i feared anyone ever beating me up from elementary school onward. Last week i was told about the "death hand" project and the thing is real for some 20 - 25 years or something like that. Who needs to worry about anything if we have contraptions like that existing on Earth. And here i was worrying about myself how i never managed to love someone that would love me, not knowing if it is not even worse to have that and loose it.

For now what mostly gets on my mind is to create myself a reliable income and from there on I'll see how things will move.

And the thing about how delusional i see myself to be. I thought up another mind construct that i don't know if it is correct, but it goes like this: We come stripped clean into this world of any information. Then as we think, we unavoidably imagine some things, and then our mind, brains whatever, take that "too lateness" of a thought up information and use it in dreamy scenario when we sleep thus all the characters within a dream are of pure fantasy that base on the fantasy made up during the day. Like the case is that the beings within a dream are actually not beings but holograms that mind creates and while at it convinces itself that it is not the mind itself that made it but some other mind. And what in the end happened to me what that i had a bit more of a wild imagination, that was completely miss aligned with reality, and the thing was the seed for my dreams and then because i couldn't understand dreams completely they would further give fuel to my "wild" imagination and the cycle would just keep building itself to a momentum where the only thing that stopped it in the end was a realisation that the game that i was playing was completely unreal, despite the thoughts that it may just be that what that i imagined. I mean this is completely opposite than obvious, but it is interesting how this illusion kept me going a certain way to belong somewhere, where if i were to only take in the real into consideration, I'd be far away gone by now. OK maybe sharing my thoughts of how things work would keep me walking with, but hell maybe "we taking over the world" may actually succeed. Though i doubt it. But still it is a purpose, pretty pointless one, maybe that is why it hasn't completely collapsed, and the will for it, i somehow see still sparks.

There was another option of blame where i could blame the mind maker. I mean it was the perfect excuse for me that my mind is not my own and the thoughts that i create are not really my own, like this god made the mind happen and it was his fault for whatever i think. The bad side of that would be that all the good things I'd think about myself of what i created are actually not my own creation either.

And another point with regards to dreams, where i had sex within dreams just like some commercial of "go there and experience more of it". I mean i was kind of spiteful there but despite the good experience i somehow managed to think of it as some advertisement full of promises, but then once the product is bought, it is not what the advertisement is portraying. Then again in a case that within a dream it was actually another being that i had sex with, i in a way agreed to it also, so who am i to blame something that is attractive to me, not to mention someone. I guess that in such a case I'd really like to get to know that being, and if that won't happen, then it is i guess a screwed up perfection for me too. But that is the case of me thinking that in my mind i have the right and am right what is perfect, but in reality everything is perfect because supposedly to the real laws in place this whatever it is that is happening is the only thing that was allowed to go though.

Creation is a funny thing. I don't know if life makes the energy run or is the energy that makes life happen. I mean beings are suppose to be the source of all movement, that means each being is like an endless well of energy that never runs out (in a case of eternity). But that also means that there is an accumulation of it on another end, which completely ruins the perception that there is constant mass and energy. So, if this is not true then beings actually do need energy to move somewhere, and where else to get it but from the existence they are in, so it is actually a process of transformation. And we are not only batteries, capacitors and resistors, but also transformers in a sense. It actually makes sense, because a part of energy of reality gets lost in the eyes when we see it, in the nose when we smell it, on our skin when we move, noise though hearing,etc. So if individual is able to see more than what the "real deal" is showing him or her, then i guess they take energy from that too. Maybe it is the observer effect. Like electrons move in a different way depending on whether or not are being watched, then everyone does. I mean i don't want to be a smart ass, but i actually wanted to test this effect once for myself on others to see if there is any resemblance. I ended up looking like an ignorant fool from my self perspective. I agree that i can be a manipulative bastard, but i mean it is not like I've not ever been a victim of it. Live and learn.

There was another point with heavy wight that crossed my mind, and that is in many ways. It has to do with the weight of human body and how much muscles are able to carry themselves. The other day i was helping this elderly lass, checking boxes of potatoes for rotten ones. In a hot day, i barely brake a sweat, while she because of being a bit overweight got completely sweat up. I pondered about this topic once, before sleep, and it is basically the same as with any material and that is how much certain thing can carry itself before it breaks. I mean even if it doesn't break it requires more energy, and where more energy flows the friction of it causes even more losses, and most common loss of energy know to man is heat. Thus more mass require more energy to move, and more energy give proportionally more energy loss. And when you put these details together it sums up to quite a bill. Those close to me are basically all overweight. It is practically even better if it comes down to no food, i bet that me being skinny as i am would perish much sooner than some fat guy. I personally think that the elderly lady is a bit stronger because she never leaves any food on the table. She lived through a war and she knows how it is to not have any food. I think that is her main reason to not throw any food away and always eat whatever she makes. Maybe there are some other, but i personally think that this is what makes her fat. She has trouble with movement because of her weight. I personally thing that how much one eats is the main thing that contributes to mass of a person. Surely we are not all the same and i know people that enjoy eating, and know people that are to lazy to eat properly. It was just the realisation that being fit makes you move much easier, and effective. I don't know why i have complexes about the thing, it was just a decision that I'd rather be a bit more skinny. I probably have complexes with a bit stronger people because i was constantly bullied by them how I'm nothing but skin and bones. I know i deliberately even wanted to look like a weakling because others laughed at me for being so. Maybe it is the same effect where people that are beaten actually get to like the shit. In my case it just took a bit more mental form, where people would fuck with my mind and then after a while i got to like it and now i actually enjoy it, just to have a reason to "rise" above them by taking them back on. The only shit is that i'd eventually behave that way to one i'd for instance have a crush on. I guess there is no fix to this thing but to discipline myself in certain aspects in order to behave accurately so that my self interest will actually have a chance of success.

I'll do self forgiveness next time.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 15 Aug 2016, 14:58

Day 791: Passing time

It has been another interesting and not so interesting week. Some things that I've said I'll change about myself, I didn't change at all. I started to change some things that were becoming too overwhelming, because i didn't focus on them at all.

One good thing that happened was that i was pissed one day really bad and when i reacted just decided to go away from everything, because i initially fucked up. I mean here i was this whine mode how nothing is working for me mode again and this individual that was driving me sensed my tension i didn't know how to deal with. I don't know what exactly happened, but i know i was conflict, until i burst in laughter when i heard about her problems how she needed to get her nails done. There i went spiteful again in my head how I had this individual that had a certain mind frame about God and everything how to be good, and their biggest problem was how their nails are not done. This completely confused me because to her mind what was good was going to church every Sunday and praying to God, as he will fix things as we will see, but through some other people doing good is looking at all the stuff that is taken as "****" and sorting it out for oneself or through another that has a better aligned judgment system of what is right or wrong. I just jumped out of a car, deciding it was better to cool down a bit with my theories, let the point rest cause i knew that like so many times before i was pointlessly digging through my moral dilemma, looking for a way out of my mistake trying to make it look like the correct thing, while having the belief that it wasn't. I didn't figure anything out like so many times before with similar cases and so i just forgot about it. Next time i saw that person behaved like nothing happened and just let it go, be, whatever. I just didn't want to bring the point of conflict up, but rather just remember that i too had a banal ideas of what makes me happy and they were laughing at my face for enjoying the way that i did, because to them i was the one that is wasting time, while i couldn't have thunk of any better way of spending it.

I had another mind construct to deal with, due to a realization that certain systemic faculties are not best for all in the long run, but are rather another aspect of same old theory about profit. It is not enough that work itself has the value of its own reward. We know we developed other mind value systems that put a price on something in order to compare one type of activity with another. What i was thinking of is how judgment system is in some respect evil, if not all of it, because what happens each time a "law" gets broken is that one individual that does wrong eventually gets lectured with many individuals, and what i don't find fair within a system of law is that the wrong doer meets up with a no choice situation of fixing the bad deeds with good deeds like giving their money away, and not only to those wronged but also to the system that had to deal with him, lawyers, judges, etc. So basically one small/big act of transgression gets in a way abused to justify the survival of those that set laws up. I couldn't put it more bluntly but the whole law thingy that suppose to "prevent" abuse from occurring is actually abusing those that don't respect it and through that justify their existence.

Mainly i was thinking this topic because of some reoccurring thing. Basically some people i know are still making fun of me and my "mistakes". By the way i don't know on what planet i was on the first time around i met Desteni, because of the way that i behaved i actually thought that maybe I'll become "popular" and through that I'll not be bullied by other beings. And as far bullies go in this scenario it was actually from one aspect really good that they bullied me, despite me going away from them because i just didn't have the breath to deal with the shit, it was actually a relevant point that the individual wanted to bully me with. A point that i myself have been struggling with for decades, and it somehow got to me and it has to do with perfection of my skin. He was addressing how many zits i have and he laughed about it, and while there was spite in his words from my perspective, i actually have to admit that i from my unawareness point of view really contributed to the point. I mean it is not so much a zit problem as much as it is me wanting to have perfect skin problem. What i did was that despite knowing that if i scratch my acne and want to squeeze them out i actually infect my skin with the bacteria i have on my fingers, I'd still do it because of this idea that i have to have flat skin with no bumps and that is that. I also know that certain foods like chips and mayonnaise cause me to get zit inflated skin and I'd still some times give in and just eat it cause of the taste despite knowing that I'll look terrible cause of it.

Anyway the other part of the bully problem was that because i don't find the words or the behaviour that would cause this particular individual to stop it, I've been building anger within me crafting plans of how one day I'll just freak out and do certain things I've restricted myself from doing. Like restriction is only due to fear that it might get worse, but main problem is that if police force can act in aggression due to being provoked, so could i, i guess. The only problem is that there is always a reaction to deal with and God knows what that would look like, but i mainly want to have a financial stability to deal with that. I personally don't want to have a situation where i am without any money power if it turns out that provocation is a not good enough of an excuse to react with force towards a given situation. Basically it is really pathetic situation that the only reason why i don't react with force is that i'm scared of being prosecuted or being with force reacted towards. I really doubt that if i were bullied again and i'd in that moment of time lets say physically deal with the situation and even if i'd win it, it would be the end of it. I think that the cause start was me not reacting towards others having fun on account of my imperfections, but eventually it was my obsession with being perfect that caused others to "get the best of me". Though i can't say it is the same for each situation. Some require perfection. I'm just saying that sometimes it is good to see at what price.

I could name a few like relationships. In my case i'd really screw my life probably those of others too. But for myself i wanted a fit. At that time i didn't really get the "true beingness" thing and the "best for all thing" where one gives opportunity for diversity and the other implies the strictness of behaviour like this is the way to do it and nothing else - anything else is not best for all. I got kind of confused over these things but i'd like that such opposing things to kind of work in harmony i guess. It is kind of frustrating to know that i'm still single due to all the self imposed restrictions of what i'll allow in my life and what others "suggested" i'll dare and say order me to do, but then i allowed them to order me around, cause i found it fun. Like on a conscious level i knew that i could there and then say "**** all" go fcuk yourself. I mean if you like me and at the same time scared to admit it cause of god knows what excuse, then i don't think i'm really worth it, but then i could see me going ego-mode and I didn't like that about me either so i'd just for fun let another "guide" me despite knowing i'd like them even less because then what tends to happen is that another would feel good due to "being" a support while i'd personally rather slit my own throat that to state that i supported someone while they would at the time secretly react towards me in hate. Basically bragging about any, believed to be "good" deed really got the best of me, and started to look at the thing from a more negative perspective. Same problem if i were to brag about good stuff that i did, i'd really see myself in a not so positive light, so i'd rather not express any good thing about me. I'd have easier time express something bad that is in a way "innocent" because only i'd see it that way and no one else would be bothered with, but those true negative things that would cause others to get at me. such things i'd keep quiet, until **** would hit the fans.

I don't regret living this way, maybe a little, but i mean if this is what is going on then it had to happen. The other day i made an agreement with an individual about some work that i was to took on a next day. An hour and a half later i call him again that i won't be able to make it because something else was expected from me from some other individual and they just forgot to inform me. Naturally the guy had enough of me. Few days later i wanted to talk to him and he wouldn't want to listen to my cause, he only had his image in his head about how irresponsible i am, because of being weak incompetent whatever story he imagined. What i didn't get about me was why did i even worry about how well i am accepted by him, but hell he has his life and i got mine, and despite the fact that women are just as easy to be pissed off, i just reckoned that something is wrong with me that i don't see and that is that. So i lost a job due to some other job that i didn't even know about that i have to do, i just didn't have a choice as i saw it. It is not a big deal at all to me, yet it showed me that i'd still feel "hurt" from not being liked by someone that is in even deeper shit as i understand it.

One thing that showed me how gullible i am is when i was faced with a decision of wanting to send a job request to a firm who's requirements i only partially fulfilled. So i turned the job down with a reason that i'm not educated well enough for it and after i told this to another individual, she started to question my decision. She wanted me to take on that required education just like that and i said no since there was not enough time for me to learn the required stuff. She literally made me angry because she didn't doubt herself for one moment and she stuck with her idea of me learning more, even if i wouldn't make it in time. I was pissed went away on a bike to cool down. Later i pondered the thing, how i don't do anything actually with my time and i was actually happy at the notion that I'd learn something new. Later i apologized to her and said that she was right and that i start the course first thing next morning. Then a few hours passed and then she started lecturing me what a hard job it is that i will not be able to make it, and then my fuses really fried. I mean first she was for it, and i didn't want to be and now that i am for it she didn't want to be. It is like this fed up story won't ever stop repeating itself. At one moment i get seen like I'm completely capable of doing anything I'd set my mind to do, the next moment i get pictured as this weak being incompetent of doing anything serious other that to whine what a hard life i have, if i was accidentally by the way manage to accomplish anything and then brag about how uneasy it was. She was no different than that bum i got into conflict with because i decided to do what she told me to do, while i already had an agreement with him. In fact i got so far now that i don't even care if word of another screws me over, cause even if that is not the actually practical case it wouldn't make any kind of difference if it was.

I found out no matter how enthusiastic i get about doing something I'd get to listen all the cons of the thing, and if i express how i don't feel like doing anything I'll listen how i have to do something. It is like if i enjoy I'll get lectured how i need to be careful and fear the consequence of it, and if i am all fed up with fear I'll get bull shitted how i need to enjoy life. There is literally no difference from how now works that to how now worked 20 years ago. What is interesting to me is that people that trust me say what a great gift one will get if i will work for them. But to those that don't, I'm just regular guy that wants to get somewhere. Portraying a good picture while thinking what negative one others make just using their imagination. I'll just have to be a bit more patient and keep on sending job requests until someone will make that bluff and I'll be lucky enough to be in the deck of cards that will "win" the game.

For me it is a pretty hopeless situation, i don't know why i hope it will get better. I am happy though that i finally let go of this individual that i saw myself though their eyes as some obsessed fanatic about them. It was a pretty hard point to deal with. The amount of time i fucked myself with my imagination thinking that there is some sort of secret open door that will keep things straight. I couldn't put it more simply but to think that certain individual i thought there was something between us while they would not want to have any kind of a dialect with me was secretly fond of me, but because of some god knows what reasons they didn't want to express. It is really weird on one side i actually thought that others want me to think it like that, on the other i knew that it was just my stubbornness to try and get something out of someone, but hell i knew from the start i didn't have a slightest chance and then that fucking hope kicked in of whether or not i might be missing something. I don't even care anymore. I know i made a mistake,, i think, i don't have any proof. Maybe others made it too, at least they said they did, not doing one and claiming one is just as manipulative, but it is a dog eat dog world so do get to the best of you before someone else does. I've heard a really nice definition of how only fools try to get to a point faster than the rest, when all getting it is eventual result.

And for desert i went on a trip in Vienna zoo. I saw lots of different animals. I looked at a lioness while breathing and as soon as i'd create a thought there was this regret that it has to be this way of having locked up animals for entertainment of human beings. It was interesting how all the time she would stare at me, she wouldn't want to look back at me once i looked down trying to show empathy due to real situation. It was interesting how i wanted to manipulate out an expression out of a thought how things got to be this way. Being whole day on my legs i also realised i'm sitting on my ass way too much.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 15 Aug 2016, 14:59

Day 792: Backchat loops

What backchat meant to me and still does, is all of the thinking that i do or anyone else for that matter. Basically it is just another word for thinking. Be it judgement, information processing or basically creation of any thought from good to bad, positive or negative, and somewhere in between it has made me believe that due to me being unable to stop thinking in a long run, that i am somehow different from others that supposedly to my mind were able to do it, meaning indefinitely stop thinking.

I've been catching myself more and more in this reaction towards a backchat of a unsorted past, in which i have felt really confused, angry, scared and uncomfortable. I recently felt like because of my process and my trouble with setting things straight with myself and others towards whom i still fell i have reactions towards that either I'm not looking "deep" enough within myself or there is actually something else that is "wrong" with another towards whom i react.

First off I'd like to share how I understood the concept of adaption because that to me was the main problem when it comes to change. It was a matter or of many things going side by side. On one hand motivation to change and on the other resistance towards change. The core of my problem was that there were certain things i was really motivated by and the self interest that drove me gave me purpose to some extent because i in my intent really just had some simple goal, that was frankly not achievable. But no matter I knew that nothing to gain in a case of a failure, the only thing I'd loose is time. And time gets lost anyway so there was not a doubt in my mind that i won't loose much unless someone else wants me to loose something. I mean i know i am able to due to my stupidity loose even myself, but usually one needs a bit of help with that too. Don't get me wrong i don't want to blame others for what i have experienced, it is just that the points that i myself contributed my walking my life are good that were known to me because those are the points i have most influence on. It is also hard to say that one can't change another, because i mean we through interaction through the simplest of words have influence over each other, thus it is not good to get blinded by absolution as in "it is only my fault", or "it is only their fault".

When it came to judgement i was extra careful of how I'll consider others within it. I admit there was a side to me where I'd think of others as hellish creatures and the opposite as some heavenly beings and i was not on their level or frequency, (my vocabulary was not entirely aligned with others) so no matter what I'd think of the situation there was always this awareness that kept holding me back, as in being uncertain in myself. And yet if i wanted certainty it was always a matter of choice of what to work on and if the thing would not get through I'd be usually left baffled with the consequence of how to deal with the situation. I also worked on preparing myself for certain failures of systems, thus giving out this image of me that things that i was expressing how much i believed they would have a possibility to stand weren't really my jam. I'll take example of this wish for a relationship that failed to exit, where despite all the effort I'd put in to make it happen there was a constant backchat thinking that it won't ever work out. It was interesting to experience how i tore myself apart simply because of certain things that were to my liking and certain things that were not so much. Thus the mere thought of something not working out, created a image of me that i didn't really want what i said i wanted. Basically I've been wondering that due to a certain way of behaviour in my thoughts i create hell for myself to live through, and then despite all knowings and info got the idea that maybe my way of dealing is correct and others are wrong, and thus normally if i believe myself correct and others not, I'll have a reaction towards them. I mean this goes for only certain occasions definitely, But what is the worse within such a thinking is that there is a belief it is so. In fact, one is hard to be certain around such things.

In a way it is perfect and not perfect because of it. It is perfect because it is the way it is, no matter how imperfect or not preferred it may seem to the individuals self interest oriented mind, the real is real and one must deal with it. And it is not perfect because an individual can always seem to make it better than it is. There is no limit to make something more, something better, thus if what will become of it is better than what it is now, thus now is not as perfect as it will be when the thing whatever it is gets perfected.

I kind of have a hunch that this will cause sort of a limit in the future, because it certainly did to me. Frankly i had enough of myself and the internal processes i had the nerve to participate in. I wanted to figure something out, and the deeper i went (i had a hunch others wanted me to) the bigger the problem became to sort data out. In fact i think that things that i was looking at from both sides being true or untrue, only gave opportunity to look at myself as not completely normal person. I mean if shit starts happening in the mind when looking at what is potentially going on, then undoubtedly some of it will come out though words, and eventually actions. It is not like you place a guard in front of your mouth, you place one in front of your mind even if that is also you. I for my mental case scenario that i managed to put on paper can safely say that there are even worse things that i managed to imagine that may have come to pass, like the ones i already did, were not scary enough, while failing to mention that there were some that now look absolutely ridiculous yet at the time of creation of information seemed plausible enough. I really showed myself how little control i have over these things because i admit that such misconceptions really really contributed to the screw up of my mind.
I kind of wanted to figure out the not figurable, because i wanted to configure my future in a way and with things i had no influence over whatsoever. Or maybe i had influence, it just didn't work the way i thought it does. Bottom line is that there is no bottom and basically lately i allowed myself to not worry about it anymore and really working on forgetting everything i know. I mean it is easy to say, but i admit that i deliberately breathed allot in order to forget stuff that caged me in a certain thought loop. If I'm honest within that i only did it to figure where did i went wrong in all of the happenings and all the misinterpretations and not understanding. I am in a way my old me with a improved me.

I basically write this because I feel that i am more a part of the whole thing than just one particular group of people. Call me a schizo because i despite participating in all the self change and the commercial for Desteni, to make it more rich in people that would be aware of its existence, I'd still have occasional disagreeing with the whole interpretation of a concept that is being researched. I mean the problem of purpose it is its alignment. I don't want to get myself burned on the same thing over and over again. If the purpose is not aligned to what is possible then if everything is possible a wrong purpose can do much harm as real deal. I mean surely a good intent in the end can justify the means to get there, but the path that some give more importance than the end itself may just not be worth to take. As far as self manipulation goes I've tested it on my skin to see how committed i can be, and in a lot of ways it ended up looking like an obsession that i was not really enjoying doing.

Point is that if there is such a thing as change i definitely changed myself because I'd in start not entirely agree to what was shared to me as being correct. In fact i asked many people about their opinion about the whole thing, and not many agreed that things work the way it was said. One individual in particular said that they are not good but they do good. So the question that i asked myself to me was what if he is wrong. He is undoubtedly certain of himself when he said that they (Desteni) are not good but are doing the good thing because supposedly likes attracts likes and through the experience they all the participants (there is no Desteni group without the people) filter themselves out, because it in a way crashes the harmful mind patterns of individuals and that is that. So it is in a way bad because it gnaws at your self interest that is in a long way harming you, yet it gives you purpose in short term existence because you simply enjoy it. It is not about not enjoying it, it is just that some good things that are interpreted as good may not have such a good bill to pay when it comes to that. What bothered me was a what if, it is not that they are bad, or wrong. What if they are right and me or whoever is judging them as a "no go", is wrong. I personally didn't believe in good. Sure yea one can feel good in the now, but on a long term point of view there was no good or bad to my knowledge that I'd think of. It was more of a balance of both in the long run. Funny now that i think of how i wanted to make sure that this is a good thing i participate in, while not really trusting anyone, not even me didn't find any other way but to test it out for myself. If i give a summed up judgement of the thing it is just a further progress of an already developed knowledge base where we want to word out every occasion that happens or may happen, or how occasionally reality functions. If I'd judge as a good or bad thing, I'd certainly say that there is much good to gain, though there were some rough bumps and holes for me to fall into. It wasn't a smooth ride, i generally have a hard time saying something bad about something i don't entirely know, but for now i am almost certain that some things are still not right, though in general it is pretty sorted out. I mean if things were right people would poor in to participate. Maybe it is better to have it this was and individuals are one by one taken on walk of what life is. I mean allot of people in a flash is a burden, therefor it is better to place a few filters or obstacles to make the flow slower and more bearable. Then again who am I to judge. I mean it is hard for me to be honest with myself, don't even ask me if it is possible to be honest with another in such a case. Hell maybe all of this was already planned out in the past and i'm just minding the already minded things.

Basically what screwed myself over the most was listening to judgements of others and then when one individual would agree with something that another individual wouldn't and if nowhere else it is at least possible to imagine that both of individuals are equals despite having different opinions it was this. Who to listen to, who to turn on to for guidance when i know i have none from myself. Ok i have one, it is like I am with a purpose to find something that will give me one (purpose).

It is a weird post i know. For last few weeks i would during the week constantly think about what to share in my blog, cause i absolutely want to exhaust myself until i give it up. I mean it feels like doing homework for school when you know you don't really want to. And this time i decided to just write about a theme that would come up and this is it. It basically crossed my mind that some things are falling apart or are not growing "big" as expected, maybe I saw myself as a reason that it is so, but even if not i wanted to make a commercial about Desteni and all the fuss I've gone through. I mean you must understand i never saw myself as a completely balanced individual and i don't see myself as someone trustworthy simply because i never like to make any promises because i know how plans deviate from the initial path due to evolution of things. All I'm saying is that I had fears and doubts about the whole thing too, but now I realised it is harder to stand with something good than bad. I mean in the end the only person that can truly harm you is only yourself and no matter how controversial it sounds, it is like that. I mean if there is nothing wrong with you, you can still perfect the things that are right, sort of make them more right or absolute right, but if there is something that you know is wrong you could try out few lessons through DIP lite.

I don't know the experience of others but for me it was hard to just accept certain things that I'd react towards in a negative way. I guess me not reacting to thing anymore means I've changed. I'm far from sorted out, then again this gives me opportunity to do something about me, almost like a purpose for me. I'd again recommend the course of DIP to anyone that has trouble with oneself and feels the need for change to stop repeating certain mind-loops or experiences within reality that keep reoccurring.

Do it properly from the start, not like me with hidden agendas and secret wishes. They will only cause you trouble. I felt the need to not share it only because i was doing it for myself and i couldn't agree more. The problem was that my imagination went on a bit of a fly instead of a stroll, and now i'm basically at the basics again, it is kind of the same like before i got to experience something I've not experienced before. Like when you think the world is boring and lame and you know everything and then world turns upside down and suddenly you start realising you don't know anything. This was the way that i walked. It is certainly interesting to get to a point when someone blows your mind and everything you believed is real fades away. Then you get a bit overridden by all the energies that you can sense and when the list gets shorter and shorter of unknowns (it is like solving an equation when you look for not yet known results) and you start feeling like you know everything "again", and it does again get dull, then you can use your arms to carve your world the way you want to (within the terms and agreements with what reality allows) and it will not be so dull anymore. In fact i dare say life can be a really interesting thing to choose to experience. I mean i personally thought that the path will be always the same as in the beginning. That i'll always feel insecure about what i say, or write or think, do even, and now it got allot better. I am quite happy to know that there is always something beyond my control and i don't want to blame it on it, it is just the respect one develops towards any and every thing. Don't hold me for my word i may still walk astray, it is just that some things one has no choice but to take on and walk on. I don't expect much from what will happen, i'll work on living the right way, and try not to harm myself much, though i have doubts that will always go as smooth as it goes at the moment.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 23 Aug 2016, 13:38

Day 793: Motion stuckeness

I think there has been no actual development of myself lately. Actually the only reason i don't push myself into any direction is because i actually enjoy being in such a state. In a way i feel like being stuck in pure ego. Within this state of "waiting" for things to happen to me, I came down to two points. One is a limitation that me as ego is not willing to go past by, and the other is beyond reach - as in ego would like to push further but the point is conditioned by some more awareness or some universal law. This again comes to blame and how limiting it is for me to get stuck on a free choice of another, and even though it has been said so many times how blame makes one lame, it is still interesting for me how i managed to get stuck in this profile of living. As I'd know myself before my process there was no such idea that I'd get myself attached to for such a long time. The process of letting go in this case is somewhat complicated and within this, even now i feel like, that if i do get to a point of moving on when conditions would be such I'll just screw it up. It is more me worrying about who I'll hurt if i do something for myself that I'll be able to live with, than to keep remaining stuck in this state that i obviously can't live with.

Speaking of blame i was too thinking too that I've might not be seeing everything about it. I mean surely there was a point in my life where i was told that no matter what i feel about anything that i experience, it is always my responsibility - or in other words, it is my own fault. I've been making examples why that is true and i came upon many of them. The easiest way to describe this for myself is that i as a mind have to turn everything i hear or read or experience for that matter into a mental projection of it, meaning only then I'll be aware of it when I'd experience it through a mind or simply me. Thus no matter what I'd experience is "translated" by me as a mind thus it would make sense that everything that I'd feel about my translation it would be of my own doing. Even if another would say something i don't know yet or wouldn't understand them it would be my conditioning of my mind - who i am as it, thus i couldn't blame another for what i experience. This would then make sense even when i did understand another.

Once I've been told that there are actually people that are able to suck energy from other people, as some sort of black magic or something. Naturally I had my doubts about this too, like i have them for every other thing that i take as worthy of it. While expressing them, i caused another explaining this point to me to get even more pumped up on the point to really make them invest energy into their words. Probably to make themselves more convincing. And usually when i interpret that happening they would loose all my faith in their words. I mean if it is possible to make someone else feel something whatever you want them to feel, it only works when action taken is in a way (allowed to be) interpreted the way you'd, or I'd, or anyone would want another to feel. Interactions has to be on a same level of "frequency" meaning whatever information one wanted to relay to another it gets there in an intended way. It is a paradox because whenever there are messengers between the two that are within actual intent communicating, i don't want to say that the messaging system is not working, it is just a higher probability that the actual message may not get across intact, or in a way it was meant to. I don't even want to touch how to express the actual information so that the other party might not get it wrong.

I also had many problems at the start of my process because no matter how much i wanted to be apart of it, I had this prominent sensation that I as who I was, was not really wanted there. Though it didn't make sense that someone would want me to be someplace and then once I'd get there they would do almost everything within their power to push me away. Like most of the time i had a complex view of the thing and i just maybe thought that i might be wrong so i pushed further despite experiencing reactions by just looking at words, where if I were to take them as trustworthy, I'd not even bother to be here.

However there is always a different side of the story and that is that if i were to use same approach as I'd interpret another using against me, I'd interpret myself being seen as this malignant individual. It was interesting to me because if i were to look at the point that i was attracted to, I was shit scared that I'll be abused in some mental way. I know, I know the only one that can abuse me is me, but I've experienced it too many times to believe that only such a relationship can exist. For me personally i could say I've been "abused" through only usage of words many times. And it is not that i want to point out who did it, because i can easily imagine me as that within interpretation of others, it is just that the part where one feels a certain way because of being in such a condition, can then be described as their own fault even though someone else is motivating them to be that way. It was worrysome to me, because that would in a practical sense mean that i could bitch about someone and when they would feel really bad because of it, it would still be their fault. Or in a more practical way I'd throw a brick into someone's head (if I'd not miss it) and then state it was their own fault, despite me knowing i was the one wanting to push certain buttons.

So what i don't get within this taking responsibility for what wee feel is the fact that first comes a push of a button, then comes the interpretation of that pushing of a button and then comes the reaction according to the interpretation. Within this i understand i am bothered with couple of doubts. One is that it takes one step back to get to the cause of the feeling, meaning what kind of button or trigger there is that would cause one to manifest into a certain experience. And the second is that if one is to take a bit further back there is an point of less influence that may be cause of the problem. I mean if someone pushes your buttons intentionally, that can be cause of the problem as well. I mean maybe buttons are calibrated in a nice way, that they were suppose to be. After all isn't that what all the self change is about. Thus it is a problem because one must essentially decide where is the limit of how to look at a certain thing and how and where responsibility lie. Not to mention that it is impossible to explain why some are more prone to not react to something while others are more, because it is kind of hard to say yes they took responsibility for it and that is why they are not scared by threats or whatever info that is being relayed. For me I'd choose the former and the latter, since I've through my experience found out that it is pointless to be a jerk and take things in from only one perspective. I also had to be careful here because what can also happen is that this can be used to not take blame for anything ever. In which case one may come out of the experience too perfect and supposedly such a picture causes quite a drama in a world that is supposedly not so perfect. It is a sort of a balance that one must see.

I found it best that I would be aware of what i would influence and also where I didn't have any influence at all. That way i could only take it to heart where it would hurt really bad, but never to a point where I'd get completely destroyed. I mean why would i want to run towards something that I'll in the end have no choice but to experience it. Actually come to think of it that is the best way to expand limitations. You have to push beyond the current known limit but not too far. It is kind of testing out how fast a car can do a turn. You don't immediately go full throttle into a turn to then get thrown out of the turn. First you go slow, and then gradually go faster and faster until you find out the max speed where car is still holding on to the surface before it starts to slide. When it starts to slide the speed before the one that makes you slide is the speed you want. Then you can go a play a doctor and start considering what kind of tires you have, temperature of the surface, weight focus of the car, etc... I mean you can look the same way about anything and then influence what is happening.

One more point i wanted to express with regards to reactions and who is responsible for them is a case where all this knowledge and information fails. Even though that is the case how each individual is the cause of what they are creating within them, this may not mean that they will or are going to ever see it that way for certain situations because it would simply crush them. They will simply take it as it not being it, and no matter how pretty, or persuading, or intimidating, or pleasant one may be in their expression they will simply not be bought anymore. I mean it is kind of fucked up to think that pissing someone off, and then telling them it is their own fault or responsibility to think that they will somehow like one that was offensive. It is different if there is a "just" cause for behaving like that but if one gets it wrong and there was no such relevant excuse, then there is basically just time that will show how wrong really one was despite being deeply convinced in themselves of how right they are.

Thus i can safely say that because of this one point, of a misjudged judgement and excuse of how limited mind is won't work here. One simply learns new things that were never experienced before. Usually it there is only a mental hurt, god forbid any physical, though that might also happen, due to the accumulation of perceived righteousness, that in some point of time was actually realized it was actually really really wrong. I mean it is interesting to me that things that supposedly are presumed as universal laws turn out to be universal mess.

For instance in school they teach us that the only way to survive in a system is to have profit with each action one does. Also we like to believe in some to be lived future where everyone will be happy and live in paradise. If i take an example of two greedy profit oriented traders, what may happen is that they would for instance trade goods and despite both of them knowing they would profit from it, due to greed they would both be unhappy because of believing they deserved more. Now in a case of where only two beings would exist in the whole universe the two would both be unhappy with themselves and each other due to a simple belief due to greed they would be inclined towards. Thus it is possible to have whole universe unhappy simply by having a religion that is not really aligned to the finite of it. This means good news because then there is actually a potential where everyone can be happy. The only thing i fear that in both cases there is a need for a belief in a illusion to then feel completely happy or sad about it. Hell now i dare say that reality was made to make things more real because of somehow being aware that there is nothing really real ever created, like something that would be of one form for eternity, it rather constantly ever changes. I mean if reality is the only thing that is real, then it is only real for a certain amount of time, the lifetime of a being that is experiencing it, and despite having all the proof of how many went before us, and considering that since this place existed for billion of years and we can safely assume that since nothing of this place we call reality, can't ever simply disappear it will stay here for billion of years to come. So the bottom question is how are we gonna make something that is unpleasant pleasant, if all it takes is a simple let go of a religion no matter how purposeful it may seem or is scary to let go of, to make it more breathable.

I mean, take me as an example, even though there was fear that because i can't shut up in my mind, I'll at some point think something wrong that I'll see as right and I'll create hell for myself. On the other hand i was scared that if i won't use my mind I'll be inactive and that inactivity will create hell for me. So no matter what I'd do I'd only perceive bad things happening due to it. Did i felt bad yes i did. Did i managed to fix something? I did. But despite some things not really going the way i wanted them to go, i am still breathing. It is kind of funny that through mistakes one learns, but some are such that there is no way to fix them. I mean surely there is a way, but even if it gets fixed one still gets baffled with questions like what now. The ever present, it is not even desire, i don't know how to call it, I'll just say need or want to experience something new is like food for purpose. I am not entirely sure how to fix this but to make each other aware of how we interpret things despite being really nasty. For my self i can safely say that i have enough holes in my knowledge i don't stand entirely for anything i ever express, though i do stand for it at the moment. And if I'll change, which i probably will in some finesse way, from my perspective it is impossible to stay completely the same, even the principles i thought i was standing for i realised i don't entirely, and thus nothing is really certain from my side. And if it is that is good i guess, because it makes me predictable and thus one can trust in oneself of the way I'll behave and though that they can make a believable assessment of me. I mean it makes me more trust worthy in a certain way, though it my not necessarily be good for my growth and my profit. But i don't really know if i care about that too.

What i meant was that what we believe in that is holding up to certain principles is not really holding up to them. No matter how much logic there is behind our thinking or believing, the fact that we need to believe to feel whatever may be the cause of the problem that we would so much like to blame others for it. This means that a certain law may be used as an excuse to make others responsible for how we make them feel though pushing their buttons, while preaching how whole each one of us is responsible for whole universe. I mean wouldn't that mean that that the way we push another's button is our responsibility too, and the way we make them angry and tell them how they are responsible for their anger despite the fact that we know where to push to make them so, is just another more excuse for them to hate us even more. I mean it is not really such a mess. It is quite logical. No matter how well I try to blame others for manipulation, I know i do the same and thus i can't really take it personally if someone is doing it to me. By the way the only real manipulation is the one that you don't know about. Thus one is also never really certain if one is being manipulated until final calculation is known and that is usually once some time passes and the "truth" gets revealed. No point forcing to get to know something that will eventually get known.

For my process i can say it was a good choice that i took it on. Basically all i wanted to do with it be it through self forgiveness or just venting out one is sharing info to see how others are aligned to it. And funny, despite knowing i don't know how to actually behave, because in my intent i was actually hoping that i might get liked by someone a bit more, like the buttons i pushed i'd make that individual more attracted to me, I didn't do really good on that part. It was more of a shot in the dark. But at the moment (it is not the end) the whole thing proved to be quite an investment. I really doubt that it would be any better for me if i'd take a choice of never writing a word for others to see. Especially at the start where I saw myself as someone that would be best dead than alive. No matter i am sure things will still go up and down in the future and it will mostly be due to me being me, but that is good, that way i can where i am not aligned to the whole mess that is happening. If it is a mess, even. I mean it is pointless to serve someone with bad experiences intentionally, but then if the good ones don't work bad ones are just as justifiable as good ones. That goes only to a certain extent, i mean i always remember that good intentions may lead to really bad outflows, but in a long run who knows.

Basically i don't dare to say that DIP is a bad thing, though honestly in my back chat I had that thought many times. Other people as well didn't want to judge the thing and if i'd actually manage to get a judgement out of it they would be against the whole Desteni thing. I am kind of for it because it gives opportunity to one to vent all the stuff out. It is basically a modern psychiatric internet course. That makes one only more aware of what all there is to consider when making life choices. There is a free and a more advanced payable course that takes you on a ride to getting to know how things actually function. It is hard like any school. The only good thing is that there are no tests and force learning information by heart. Or maybe there was and i didn't even know it was there. I think that people are just scared (like i was in my case) because of not knowing what it will come down to. Well for myself i can say i feel pretty balanced. I admit i'm still a bit lazy at the moment and best of all i am not scared anymore of the thing, or the consequences that would manifest because of me standing for something. I'm fully ready to face the bad consequences that may come to pass. Though in a long run i can say there are none, despite there being some in the short one. It is a real boost to self change. I highly recommend the thing.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 30 Aug 2016, 14:55

Day 794: Mounting thinks

Another week of time went by, and I've been thinking really allot. So much actually i again started breathing. The only difference this time was a sort of realisation, i don't even know if i should call it that, that i was breathing done more instinctively than deliberately. Like some sort of a mind alarm went off, and i got lucky enough that instead of having another $#!+bath of thoughts just had a nice session of breaths throughout the whole day. The only think i dared to think of, was that i was still having some unsorted stuff inside of me and was eating at my logical part of the brain.

First off i want to be short this time and don't wanna write a long post, because i do have a schedule that i follow and it accidentally collided with a "special" day and the reward i want to give to myself as a surprise is to write a bit less. It is not so much as hatred towards writing anymore, cause lately i actually enjoy writing, probably because i write less, but it is more of a laziness that got over me, as in each time i remember i made a promise to myself to write about stuff, i really want to just postpone it. It like i completely want to stop, i'd probably get a nervous breakdown because of that, it is just that continuing it is not so motivating for me as it was before i was lucky enough to get hit by certain pieces of information.

Anyway the thoughts i was dealing with within me were very much connected to blame. I don't particularly want to point a finger at them but essentially what i was thinking of was a certain point of attachment. It is like having a point that pushes your buttons in a way that you'd like it. And then lets say a certain lifestyle develops over this and then suddenly the happy button pusher goes away and then you'd for instance go sad. For my case i hare real regret issues over this when looking at the point of my self interest from a certain dimension. It was like me having conflicting wishes and then because i wanted to express myself, or manipulate another, basically just wanted to play a nice guy in such a way i thought was right, i got really unexpected results. Ok, silently i knew it would be a total mess at least for me to experience. But it is not so much about what actually happened, than what i thought was going down. I personally believe in equality, and despite knowing it is practically not so, i also believe in inequality, thus i place people above and below me, like more of a just in case scenario. And i don't care if i get kicked in my ass, or farted in my face, one is pretty natural and can accidentally happen, and the other is well, i'm not gonna discuss it here. Point is that i had this individual waaaaay above me. And what my limited consciousness personality kept telling me with all the energy reactions of feeling and emotion, well it mostly was emotion, was that something was not right about the point that i should just accept and allow. Practically is like opposing ones boss. The only thing more you'd hate is that such a nice person would behave in such a drag. Like literally it was i'm right anyone that doesn't agree is wrong and change themselves into such a persona until i will agree... And worst part is that you are too scared to tell them in their face. For me it was liking a part of them and then fear of losing that part in relationship to them if i were to try and manipulate another ("pushing buttons") to change some other part that i didn't like about them. Basically it was sickening to me that i became such a person, but only because i saw myself as this force that wanted to get what it wanted to get. There are many more things to this, but in the end it was quite stupid, because what i could muster out of this was that i wanted to blame another for not being the way i wanted them to be, which is also weird. Imagine me being a charlatan, and using my super-hypnotic abilities on you to make you feel and then based on that feeling do something, and then because you'd not do it i'd in addition to all the rest of useless intent from me be pissed at you, while i'd not have one genuine excuse to have anger. Ok my anger and blame towards certain individuals may seem from point of view only belief based, but no matter how much i'd try find reasons within me of what is the cause for felling like shit, there was this constant backchat that kept reappearing that something is not right and I fucked it even more up because i didn't have the guts to tell what it is. Did i forget mentioning that i kept on trying to find reasons within me why i feel like trashcan?

This was interesting theme because it was an extreme look of the opposite of being responsible for what one feels. Like instead of looking for malfunctions within, and how it is that one is not aligned to what is happening in reality, you literally only look at the rest of the world except yourself. I don't wanna say i was right, but then something happened the other day.

There is this individual that i constantly run into. Each time this individual senses my presence, i get usually asked a question. What i believe in that moment is the uselessness of the question, thus i react. On one hand i feel like this individual only wants to talk to me while i don't want to talk to her, on the other it gets on my nerves that she wants my reply. I started bitching and then she started looking at me strangely, cause right after my charade came my apologising how i lost control of myself and reacted, yada yada, bla bla bla. But then i started talking how it happened. I only needed to appear, she has her way of dealing with my appearance, and i blew up. It is actually like a mechanism i tried to explain. What was dumbsome was that just as much as i blamed her for my anger because of always asking me something that is not really important but enough for chit chat, of which i'm not really fond of unless it is something constructive or if it really nothing else to do. Yes talking can be dumb too, i'm sorry that is how i see it, i like silence too. But the point was that i was blaming her for triggering me, but i was too unaware to see that it may actually me the initial cause that she communicates to me in such a way that i find myself, yes it is like someone would be sucking energy and attention out of you, even though you don't really like it, but because you'd depend on some other point about that person it would cause you inner conflict. Like i'd not want to be with them but i need them. It is really just a minor mess. But somehow i managed to just ignore the whole problem with breathing over instead of wasting time thinking about all the points someone pushed through me, while not seeing what points were those that i pushed through them.

And this brings me to another point I wanted to share and it was mostly looking at details that i did wrong, when looking at it from where i am now. And then remembering all the things i did wrong, and then feeling like jerk, while daydreaming how i wanted to make myself as uneventful as possible so that i'd not spread influence and thus nobody would be able to blame me for making them do certain things. I mean from such a point the only way to not blame someone for something is if that someone doesn't do anything at all. From an absolute capitalist perspective, not even breathe air, or beat an eye (i had a theory that part of the energy that this world is made of is actually consumed by the being, and then it's called "experience").

Another interesting thing that happened was that while i was babysitting, this girl had her eyes wide open while sleeping. It was strange to me cause i saw her how she looked around, even directly at me, and wouldn't not say a thing when i was talking to her. And when she woke up i asked her if she remembers me talking to her, and she said no. It was really weird.

I finally found a job. One thing that kept cycling my mind was that i won't do anything too wrong. Like little mistakes are part of learning, it is like unavoidable. I just kept hoping i won't do anything that was wrong and big at the same time.

Oh and a word came up that perfectly describes my mental condition. I mean one guy just mentioned it to me while we were having "deep" conversations about themes such as "death" and "beliefs" and some how I ended up whining about my unsorted experiences in my head, and all that i caused myself to think because of this and it describes my situation perfectly and I think i started to see that freakish light at the end of the tunnel after all: Alter-ego he said. I was like ok this is like an upgrade of ego. It is in a way. Not like the initial ego of every individual has some self destructive properties and thus in a was compromising for ego it self, but alter-ego supposed to be quite common. I think all this dream mombo-jombo and my mind frying itself in me is just a consequence of too much unreal and practically impossible imagination. I mean if i'd say someone else did this to me, and not me, then i'd only blame someone else, which would bring me to square one, which means blaming another, having a reason to be pissed at them, and so and so on, and eventually no equal relationship would be possible to be established with such a being, thus a forever inequality is more likely to be the trendiness of reality.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 06 Sep 2016, 20:59

Day 795: Karma logic

I've been thinking too much again. I think I'll change my writing schedule. Write a bit less and a bit more frequently. I don't have as much time as i did. My interests also lie in doing other things and i want to have a bit more time to do them.

A few flashbacks reoccurred, and it is interesting how bringing up memories still define my mental state. Either i haven't been effective in cleaning my attic in my head or there is no way to get around the points for me. Probably, and i also hope that in time I'll sort it out.

It is interesting how when thinking about the past and dealing with certain individuals, no matter how many good memories i have with them, I'd then switch to remembering bad experiences with them and this hell breaks loose inside of me, taking things personally, even in cases when i consciously would say no to that. It is a kind of splinter in my mind. Like I'd not have a choice but to feel whatever it is that is accompanying the event from the past, or how I'd interpret it.

Then i went and really decided to go that spiteful way of having a grudge against someone, just to see where it leads. It is interesting, cause i instantly saw how judgments against an individual (not only one, cause there were like at least a few of them, and they are not directly connected, it is more about the type of events that would cause me to feel conflicted within me) could not be exactly just.

In a case of existence of karma, I'd describe it as a additional system that would care for each individuals creation of choice and give that choice an appropriate for actions one would do. This means that if i place myself in a judge position, i am doing that job that karma would suppose to take care of, thus I myself would basically if I'd not do my job right blew it, because if I'd give too harsh punishment than the karma system would punish me for not creating equality in an eye for an eye sense. If "punishment" that I'd give would be too insignificant then karma would supposedly fill in the blanks.

Point is that if karma exists then not intervention is needed from any of us to set things "straight", but whole law system that we have in this world does that job in its own way. I don't know if it is just or not. In a case of there being no karma i guess it somehow "cares" to make things right. It is pretty hard to nail it, but abuse has no limits so hopefully the good things don't either.

But what gets me the most is that intent and success rate of it. I mean if an individual wants to do the right and the good thing, and there is a mistake, the whole thing may come out pretty disastrous. What is worse is that another may think it is intentional when it in fact wasn't. There is also a possibility if one wants to intentionally do bad things and fail at that. I guess it can't be good, one certainly exposes themselves, and it is probably some mixed consequence. Thing is that there are no instructions on how to do. One basically learns along the way, and just as there are successes there are also failures and mistakes have a say in that. It is life consuming if they keep repeat but mostly we do learn from them, at least I, hopefully.

It is just frustrating for me that facing my own misconceptions would cause me to feel like a real drama queen from time to time. For instance I'd mix two worlds up that i don't know how they function. Ok one world was pretty understandable and (I'd slap myself for saying it) boring. This physical reality was only interesting in how many illusions it would make able to exist to make life interesting. Then another "world" that i didn't have any idea about, ok well only idea was that I'd think how I'd figure it out, plus it was not so real and a bit more forgiving than reality. And my mistake was that I'd mix this two things together and interpretation of one world would be assumed on an interpretation of a real one and it would actually influence relationships with real people just because i though i was right. Hell even if i was it was no way of dealing with another. It was like believing i know another when i in fact didn't. And that "knowledge" would then only ruin my communication with them.

It is pretty damning to be aware of how made up things would skew up interaction with other people, where if that idea of another wouldn't be there it would probably be much easier. It still bothers me how i'd see another through their expression of words, and would for instance not agree with them, and then when i'd express myself with relation to that interpretation of another, i'd cause another to judge my words how they would see me through them and them and based on that see me as some mishap. It would only give fuel to more fire and then it would bounce back and forth for as long as one or the other would want to stand for that point. I was really thinking that maybe i just need to learn how to read, meaning not having my judgments and thoughts preoccupy my mind when i'd turn the text into thoughts, cause then i'd only see my imagination while eye would go further down the line and i'd have no idea what was written but what i made up in my mind. Reading equals being here and understanding what the text is about. Even if it complete gibberish, at least one is aware of that. Or maybe it is just just miscommunication. One person may see same set of words in a different spectrum of understanding than someone else and that is usually enough to set a fire ablaze.

For now I'll not make any definite decisions but to stick to ones that let me some doors that are in front of me open, cause i really am interested to see what the room holds. I just don't want to make some choices what would limit me further down the line. I honestly don't know if I'm creating hell of haven for myself. What i am pretty sure of is that there is much more than what meets my eye and i know i don't know many things that i know that are possible. Maybe i did them to myself like long time ago and are only now "haunting" me, but if they are consequential from where another would set them in motion it is much more interesting. I know that if i do it to myself and I'm not aware of it, I'm really screwed, or maybe it was the only choice that i could make for myself that i saw fit, but if another is also a contributing cause, then it could go an interesting way. I'm not sure for anything i ever write in truth. It just gives me some sort of guidance, to not loose myself completely in what I'll cause to myself and not entirely accurate in result also. I don't know how to describe it. Knowing that there are no second chances, yet knowing that there are infinite in number, the first ones.

Another thing that i got aware of is that when i generalizing it is best to point out all qualities of someone or something. Like i don't directly put them only on a throne, like they are best, but it is always "so so". It just depends what aspect of it, her or him i'd look at.

I wanted to write less. I have a stopping issue.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 12 Sep 2016, 19:55

Day 796: Interpreting with energy

I've been dealing with lots of backchat recently. Just plain thinking and while i still see that i am dealing with letting go of some self interest, it is also a parody in my head to cry for because the best would be to just forget about it. It is amazing to me that i'm so stubborn in my way of seeing things how they are, despite reality telling and giving me a totally different picture.

I can't completely define the state. No matter how much i breathe i keep bringing up same starting thoughts of particular experiences and i then i each time try a bit different cycle to "analyse" if that make up of an interpretation is more suitable to describe the real deal. Like even if i'd nail it, i'd still not have any fact that it is in fact so, and i don't exactly know why i'd then keep bringing up unsorted internal problems that i'll never be able to deal with, or so i see it, and instead just forget about it, i dare say forgive it.

One theme of this pattern is definitely the way i look at certain individuals. For instance this one person i had sort of affinity towards would at the same time look sickening to me because i'd never dare to think that an individual would dare to express with such words openly towards others, and naturally due to my reaction into one and the other extreme, the positive and the negative it would confuse me. I should probably say this to that there is not only one such being that i know of, it is just that this one forced me to be more aware of my internal mental haemorrhaging.

Due course it somewhat here and there came out of me, not exactly this case, but a bit different with simmilar pattern - this conflict, and one guy sitting next to me made it simple and said "no one really wants you any harm". It was exactly what i needed to hear and it is interesting to look at it now, because it all had to do with my self interest. It wasn't so evident before but what happened was that because i kind of blew it at fulfilling my self interest i'd then go in rage within me towards another person because they were not making my self interest magically come true.

Another guy mentioned also this that there are two types in such cases where unfulfilled person would either accept and come to terms with the frame they are in, or they would go into outrage. I'd describe me as a bit of both. But still it is bothers me deeply that i am unable to control this state. After all it is only about self control and of ones own mind, no matter how much others may press my buttons to drive me in a particular way.

Speaking of influence, i still don't entirely get the outflow of such an actions, surely reasons may be of different types. For me i can say i almost chose the most fruitless path towards building relationships, and i don't know either it was out of irony or i just saw how cruel honesty really is. I couldn't describe it better but it would be me wanting to sell my words to you while explaining why it is that i am doing it, and how i'll be basically abusive towards you while at it. "I want to get rich thus i want to rob you of as much money as i can through selling my mind chatter"- would be a way to describe it.

Either way i can't find my inner piece for ever. I still usually have a few moments during the day where i replay happened past and then i either rage over my stupidity or am happy about so minor successes.

Another point i want to open up is how at the start of my process I had real hanging on to fear. I somehow managed to keep some of the causes for it hidden in secret and it was mostly towards the process DIP itself. I didn't quite it, all i knew was that it was the only way to fulfilment of my self interest. And while i knew i wasn't exactly honest in this i still don't know why, but it felt like something was not right besides me being completely out of place. I'm saying this because i'm kind of having enough of secret whining in my head about how bad my " worlds problems" are, and this battle whether it is a right or a wrong will probably be never ending. It is like i'd wanted constant facts that what i believe in is correct, because i see myself as a believer when i decide to sponge something in while not having a clue if it is right or wrong, good or bad. I basically made a choice to believe in something i know i don't have any facts about. All i have is my interpretation, and while i consider myself to be sceptical even about my view, it made a choice to take it in, in a certain way, and i'll not stand for anything else.

Thing is that Desteni besides all the negative reactions i had towards the experience, also taught me allot about ever present problems of what it means when you know when something exists and you actually feel it. I personally believe the whole organisation is good, no matter how much i nagged about it not being so at certain points, through indirect ways in this blog.

I dare say my life would not turn out as good as it did if i were not participating in all of this self exploration, and despite me having those self interested goals that i'll never manage to fulfil it is still interesting of how others saw through me. After all the ones that were self interested and were acceptable were let through. And nobody had anything against those points within me, i was even encouraged to make them real, and i to an extent did create them. I'll keep on walking this line and while at it try to forget all the mess i made in my head because of a few simple wishes that were not exactly in line with each other.

Maybe i'm a bit odd case of a being, to had such a chaotic ride, but i'd in the bottom line strongly recommend DIP. If nothing else just the free version so that each human being would have a basic idea of inner workings of self.

I found out an interesting things about spiders. While i was cleaning the garden i had a bit of a heartache for destroying a web of a spider. One day later the thing recreated it out of the mess that i caused it. Out of that tangled web it managed to recreate it into its near original form. It also sounds kind of weird to feel bad about destroying someone else's trap. Maybe it is because the being is dependant on it for own survival.

Another thing that went through my mind is that there is a possibility that there is not one thing in this existence to cross reference with that one could fully trust unless one decides to. Meaning when you have two people in conflicting discussion, each one believes that what they feel is more correct what another does, and that basically fuels the battle because what feels right to one feels wrong to another. Who in such occasions is really correct. Cause i mean if one of them is then another has to change oneself to not feel so bad when it comes a dealing with honesty. I mean they may also be both right or wrong. I mean something needs to change inside of them otherwise one if not both will go nuts. I admit that i was like that once. Sometimes i still get a bit dizzy inside, and each time what saves me is knowledge i got through doing my DIP. It is more of a practise makes perfect situation, like with everything else. And besides, about those negative points i failed to came into terms with, i am probably just not seeing right. On one hand it is important to understand another and respect their feelings and emotions, on the other if one wants change there is a harsh process to deal with in order to erase misaligned conceited reactions. For me it was a mess to deal with - am still dealing with. Some didn't have that problem at all. Some wouldn't even dare to take on themselves and go against their self interest.

I mean i could go on and on about this topic and how it influences the creation of our living. Simply put it the whole Desteni thing is a good thing.

I haven't done and SF writing in a long time. Next time i'll dig into it.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 19 Sep 2016, 19:58

Day 797: Law of self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagination and interpretation of situations how they really are, and then believing in potentials that may not happen, and invest myself into a certain end result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume myself over topic of relationships and respect to it created this idea of "perfect me" of how it would be when i'd get to it, and in this created this desire to have a partner for life like i'd only start one relationship and if that fails i'd be crushed because of not fulfilling my dreamt about idea of having a nice life with a family, despite expressing many times how i'd rather not have any children because it would probably be worse for them than for me, and i didn't liked my childhood pretty much, in fact it was at that time when i'd compensate all the injustices or how i'd see them as not fair, with creation of these insane conversations in my head, i mean they were so real i astound myself how i could hear voices in my head at night and there was no real cross reference possible but to simply take it as my own imagination playing tricks on itself, i mean me playing tricks on me. Probably for some reason to not be responsible for something. Like not wanting to face the conflict due to unfair situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have negative reactions towards other beings, when they would judge me who i am, like they would know because of certain abilities about how self honest situation looks like and within that then preach how not self honest we are, and within that i'd then assume that if i'd be self honest enough i'd be more liked by specific individual for instance, so it is more about me thinking that certain words would do the trick, while having backchat that it is not even possible because i'd have to read minds to give out what another would want to hear, and through that they would be "satisfied" (it is mostly about my own satisfaction, me being satisfied because i'd satisfy another), i'd be liked more and my "sinister" plan to get out of the enemy/friend zone and into a more pleasurably comfortable situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my life into shit because of deciding that i like somebody a bit more, but then while getting to know them, i'd more and more find points about them that i'd regret that i'd create such an affinity towards that person because if i weren't so attached to this idea of it being it, i'd have the heart to simply go on further with my life, but it seems so that no matter how much i work on my mind the more i realize that i don't have the heart to put someone from what i had experienced into completely evil spectrum, even though that it at moments seemed so, like no matter how hard i'd try to not interpret it that way, my mind would automatically switch to "this is crazy", while others would call it responsibility issues, or facing ourselves, or even seeing myself as evil for interpreting someone else as that, anyway it accumulated to quite an amount and it all got kind of revealed in one single decisive moment i think, and now i'm still suffering mental consequences of keeping myself in questions, would it be possible for me to express or react or act or move in any other way?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about honouring some agreements, despite feeling like it is pointless or even better for me to to make my own interest from my own knowledge instead of just listening to suggestion of someone else taking it in as an order and then hope that something good will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at self forgiveness as a scapegoat to let the expressed words be the reason of letting go of something, when in fact with words one can make lots of senseless conclusions, when in fact it is what one does within oneself to have the capacity for inner self movement. I had no problems with dealing with emotions before running into SF school, i mean there were a few fall downs of my ego, but eventually i learned to see the pointlessness of being re-actively expressive, and then suddenly if certain words wouldn't be spoken it would supposedly only accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it sick that someone would through having certain "capabilities" make jokes on serious topics that would include interests of others, like i know it is only a matter of perspective, but it is strange that depending on the way i'd see it as benefit or caveat, and within that then create a good or bad picture of someone. Yet i learned through time that i could just head bad things and not let them define me too much, i'd still have my thoughts about it but in the end the fact that i didn't care at the moment of it happening, i shouldn't care later. I mean it is best to act as soon as possible, because later action is not so effective as one would in a moment of reaction be. To make it even more challenging i do try to act and not react, though i never truly know if i reacted or acted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that not one ever trusted me with or about anything and that within expressing my self forgiveness i only opt for being more acceptable by those that i felt i needed to be if i were to make the game i was playing come true. Like some part of me imagines that in truth like the real deal sincerity everyone knows self forgiveness is just a crafty set of words while the real magic of change must come from inside and usually i'd do this change through simple thinking in as truthful and sincere way as possible, like it is impossible to lie to oneself, yet somehow i managed to convince myself that i am able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be consumed by thoughts of "am i doing the right thing", am i within the prescribed limits or am i going into unacceptable areas where others would not like me being the way i am?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am right no matter how much others would tell me how unacceptable i am and stuff that i'd interpret as my miss-alignments, like all my fucking life I've been working on myself how to not bitch about anything how wrong it is, and despite me knowing that i did have a certain moral compass i just had to poke my nose into others people business where there is nothing but constant bitching how this and that is not aligned or perfect or whatever it is that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mental hell for myself where i constantly get bombarded with what i want to do and along that what others would think is good for me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so stubborn in my interpretation of how things work, so that each time when someone would give me advice on something that i'd not agree with i'd almost naturally not want to deal with them, because on the bottom line i'd think that in a case of infinity such ideas would basically ruin them, or at least i react towards them because if i were to live up to those words it would ruin me, and paradoxically i have willingly decided to give it a go, to live up to certain words, to let myself be cursed only because of thinking and believing that no matter how big a curse it looks like it is actually a gift, that requires a bit more patience and effort to manifest.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be more of a logical type of person, meaning despite knowing that the more i dig into the depth of each action and that the more i realise that the deeper i go to understand something and that the more i try to make some formulae or law or turn something that is natural and alive into a mechanism, the worse it becomes for me. I mean if anything, any kind of law or rule, it only applies for certain contexts and situations, it only proves an exception. Now if that is logical it should not stand in a live reality. Does that mean that the opposite is truth?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction towards a younger beings (in earth years) when i'm told that years don't matter, and while at it think ye it is possibly so because i mean one can spend a decade believing in some bollocks and not develop anything, but what really bugged me is that such statements were only relayed to me so that the stuff that followed would be taken without a doubt, i mean it didn't bother me that something would be wrong or right, it bothered me that if something is right it doesn't need any kind of justification or an excuse or additional support of how true it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if everything started at the same time, then everyone of that everything is kind of same age (existential years).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if there was only one being in the beginning it would make itself exist in such a way that it would not become its own worst enemy, meaning that everything that being would know it would always make best choices within its experience thus i find it stupid that any being would actually make choices against their self interest, yet what mostly happens within reality is that unfulfilled self interest are making whole thing look like it was almost deliberate. The only question is the cause and what kind of effect will this create in the future. If the cause is self interested choice that would make one with unmaking another, then it is possible that there is so much misery not because one would like to be in it, but because of wanting another to experience it, and when everyone would be doing the same thing then it is logical that it would affect everybody. I mean where will this lead i don't know, probably nothing good, but still i kind of have a hunch that if i live this way of preparing myself for enduring in such a world, it would only contribute to existing in such a way. Thus i am still kind of in this belief that i can snap out of anything if i only want to. Anyway what i meant was that if there was only one being in beginning, kind of like in a Bible, and don't ask me where whoever wrote the Bible got his ideas from, but believe in one God would in such a case make sense because that fist being would certainly not be such a that it would create itself in such a existence in which it would suffer, but i mean anything is possible, so maybe it is not even like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear because of the past when i called myself "God" conditioned by an if sentence, and having imagination as a scale of measurement, and while at it had this thought that maybe there is some greater being out there, and even this it was only because of masses of people that can be very effective in showing power to few individuals that would have themselves above the supposed "matrix programming apparatus". I basically thought that because i wrote few wrong words i'd end up like Christ, you know killing him just to prove him that each person had one's own will and combined can make quite a force to reckon with. And another reason was in this experience, i'd call "supernatural mechanism" some girl called it energy some guy laughed his ass off, while i would describe it more alien than aliens, and I've never ran into any extraterrestrials, or maybe i did but i was not able to feel it. I mean if there are Aliens this thing would blow my mind more than running into aliens. Either way i've turned myself from ever doubting skeptic into maybe there is a bit more that i'm able to pick up on here. I mean i was more fascinated with what kind of influence these esoteric things have on reality, like pressure and temperature kind of stuff, than to ever practise it myself. I mean i meditated a bit in the past, but i just don't get what the purpose of it is. I mean if everything is in balance naturally then being would only disturb it, or on the contrary, actually making it more alive, but then interests come into play and we all know not everyone would ever be able to agree on the same thing, maybe this, but problem is that despite all my venting out of my philosophy i didn't get killed, despite thinking it may happen. What happens when I'll die i don't even wanna know, but i look at it the way where it is best to not have any expectations, i mean if something good happens it is that much more of a surprise and if something bad it doesn't hurt as much as it would otherwise. If I'd for instance know what bad will happen I'd probably live in worry all of my life, thus having misery before it even happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is a program or a matrix only from one perspective and that is if everyone is making best self interested choices as means to an end that in such a case if one considers that each one is facing certain type of experiences within which one is dealing with certain kind of information that was only attained through making "best self interested" choices thus one is safe to say that there is a one way program and the only cure for breaking it is to make a choice that is against self interest. Ok, that is a bit harsh. I'd just randomly jump around like crazy without any kind of intent but to break the supposed program, if only for a moment. Tomorrow is another "same" day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am not self honest when i pursue ideas that i believe will make me happy if i fulfill them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable like no one trusts me, like all this time i've been working on my process so that i'd feel accepted because of reasons, but no one is really bothered with me, like individuals that were so effective in making me drop from the edge of my seat, are not buying any of the stuff in equal manner. It also creates all sorts of hate-chat within me because i was never privately engaged through a consistent manner, only a few times and it turned out to be a calamity. The only thing that draws me back is the not knowing part that maybe i was, but through other more subtle dimensions, and i didn't exactly was ever fond of expressing that. In fact i found myself more delusional than anything else. Though there is another dimension of a more indirect communication that i sometimes think it is actually happening all the time with each blog i write and at the same time read. Though i've been a bit of a slack at reading.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to again fall back to all of those old minfucks, trying to figure out things that i don't have any idea, or maybe i do and i just don't know it yet, or maybe i am a really effective liar to myself, like making up things that i'd then believe in as being really relevant, while at the same time doubting it. It is quite a mess in my head still. I personally believe there is one source that could help me but i'll not ask for it. Simply put it i believe in bigger problems that will come when i'll use up that "joker / get out of trouble free card", and even then i doubt i'll be believed in, since everything i do is looked at as some game playing. I'm really eager to see if i am able to get out of this worlds problem of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe whenever i come into dark alleys in my mind, like not wanting to process something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despite process of breathing and all the rest of the stuff to kill an unwanted sensation within me things would still come up. Like each mindfuck i successfully solve, i'd a bit later on in time, because of thinking too much create a new one. Or i'd think i let something go, have a few days off from the idea and then someone would say something to me (i felt like almost specifically and intentionally to wake up certain feelings within me, especially because of being out of the blue), and this whole picture i'd thought i dealt with would come up again. Not as strong as previously, but still. Or maybe it is strong, there is a lot of text that came out of me just now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed when i'm asked when am i gonna find myself a relationship, like a woman, for instance.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a looser because of issues i'd usually have when dealing with someone i'd have a crush on, while knowing that if that was not there i'd not even bother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed when someone else is suggesting how to spend my time with myself, like there is nothing else but it to deal with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as just one of those forever alone guys.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw myself at another despite being dissed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that someone that i'd like, that i'd walk away from would come after me, despite me showing practically that i don't like them, and would through such romantic scenes imagine how to test "true love", despite it from one perspective looks like complete submission. Hm, maybe that is what i always screw up, someone testing my gut to see if i fall for it and then deliberately decide to not. Then again if i was a reaction maybe it couldn't have gone any other way, maybe all the accumulated secrets just spurted out in one action. I don't even care if it was wrong or right move for my self interest to get fulfilled. It is interesting how unavoidably controlling accumulation of thinking can be. And the best worst part of it is that despite all the responsible excuses out there of how one is responsible for what one feels, a few wrong words, just like in my case and whole plan becomes a huge mistake. Personally i think this world would do much better without my word-meddling into it. I bet i'll never write another song. And i don't fool myself. It is quite common that throughout history, a few wrong words made heads fly. Shall we change that?

I forgive myself that I despite all the hate and rage i experienced throughout my process that i'd otherwise probably wouldn't, it did had a some long lasting positive effect on me. All this breathing exercises and writing, and god knows what else did cause me to be a bit more calm. I'll still add that part where i am too dealing with mental issues, but i did fail to fall into mental institution... for now... so i guess that is a good thing and a proof that one can fix mental issues for free on Internet. I did had a bit of free help, and feel like i have a debt to pay and that is why i write, and besides that i am just testing if I'll cause any ripples out there that would cause situation to get better, for me at least. I still wonder if I'm making even more harm to myself and others, but either it will be good or bad, no one can claim it would be better or worse without it. Most probable effect is that there is one that is next to nothing, and effect on me. Surely truth can set you free, but if you did something really bad it can also imprison you. I don't even wanna think about what bad things i did, that i still due to my supposed limited awareness hide with my self dishonesty. I also thought about a possibility that there is nothing there, but that would then not be so interesting.

I forgive myself to have a reaction towards another when being told to go deeper, like what is hiding behind each layer. I forgive myself to think that there are infinite amounts of layers thus one can always express that statement. I forgive myself to think that that was the main reason why i started "hating" someone from that perspective because i personally believe i still don't exactly know what all went through my mind at that point that i'd nail with, or what would be the correct answer, but i bet i could read through all lexicon and make all possible sentences with available words and it would still not be enough simply because of knowing that one can decide in advance what or who to be, even when the "reaction" or "program" doesn't happen yet. Thing was that i was in a mood to satisfy another, but because mind is a thing that can't get satisfied ever, especially with energy (the things we feel inside like happiness, anger, fear, hate, jiggles...)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointing, like all this manipulation i try to do to make another feel things and then nothing works.

I forgive myself to even write in self interest, like now i think that because i did some self forgiveness others will look at me with those eyes. While that happening i think of the past and how i tried to be serious in it, no matter how many times it crossed my mind that even if this stuff works it seems to have no effect on me. Then again there are only few rare things that do seem to have an effect, and it is impossible for me to erase that, or at least it seems.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in this paranoia that i'm so obsessed with this idea of what i want to live my life like, that when i die and since there is no time in afterlife or whatever that state is, i'll be able to live this life again if i only choose so, just so that i'll be able to try try again, so that i'll make it the way i want it so that i won't have to repeat it again. Like if that is possible wouldn't it cause all the rest of the system that is required to roll with me. Damn, maybe it is worth repeating precisely because it works out and it is so fun. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in making assumptions and in that create all these (not really precious) illusions that i'd use as an excuse for my choice in the now, while what is to be has not really happened yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away in my mind and then react towards my thoughts, imaginations and basically feel a hell for myself because i think that the body that is also aware of me is listening and then producing its own words of energy that i must then be in because of making this sort of possibility for my body to be in, and it wouldn't really like to experience i guess? Question mark is because i still don't entirely get the thinking - energy relationship, and the listening - energy relationship. Are like words before spoken thought about and the thought creates the energy that then body "allows" to play out, because of assumption that if i feel like this when thinking it, then another would also probably. Is it that the only reason we react to the words of another, because as soon as we hear them, we turn them into thoughts that we then react towards? I don't know, or i forgot how this works. I mean a deaf human can't get hurt mentally by my jabber if he doesn't hear me. Also a blind human can't get affected by my writing no matter how much looking she does. I sometimes considered myself blind and deaf human, i don't know what else, despite looking and hearing. Due to thinking i'd simply not be here and would rather be in my mind, because of wanting to figure out something, or something would just overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that i see myself as this person that gets too attached to things and then because of not letting them go, gets all of life sucked out of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of Desteni as some group of people that is only abusing people with weak mojos to get them hooked up on drug called energy (feelings and emotions) and then people like me are unable to go away because of being weak minded energy whores, and no matter how much i hate myself for stating that there is a slight problem, because i kind of have a few indescribable facts that i experienced that if one ignores make one just kind of ignorant towards everything, like whole existence if one deny the truth of portal being real, i mean surely i'm not completely aligned with everything that gets though, then again it may only apply for a specific context, yet i don't have a hart to say that it is made up, i mean i don't have any facts about that either. It is just that i kind of felt the proof that all this magic, or esoteric or whatever it is is real, but i wasted like 30 years of life being nuts on nuts, bolts, screws...trying to figure out mechanisms, and it would be a sin for me to now inspect some other area especially now when reality is more interested in robots more than ever. I mean surely in a few years i may dip my nose into for me extraordinary topics, cause i secretly really wish to know how these things influence movement of matter, but not even that is for sure, i mean i do stuff with my free time that is not that of a contribution for my process. It is more for my feeling and emotion drug addiction. I just wanted to express my bad thoughts about a thing, that has despite all of it, caused some good things to manifest in my life. Pretty much i think i'd be a bum right now or still abusing my social position to only do absolute self interest stuff. For instance my process pretty much helped me though my study, working through all the resistances stuff like that. Make me face "bad" things and push though them to get to good end results. From a perspective of a world system i got pretty far, compared to where i thought i'd now be, i've never imagined i'll end up where i am and im kind of happy, I mean i made a few little mistakes today and i was pretty worried, that must mean i do like the place where i'm currently working at.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worry because of talking negative things about something just because of experiencing negative reactions, like the trust in my feeling has such a power over me that i feel dishonest not expressing it, and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to feel fear because of what consequences i'll cause to me and others if i express what i feel, or think about something that i don't entirely understand or know, and that it will shut the door of making certain self interests real.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 27 Sep 2016, 16:38

Day 798: Thinks that don't wanna leave me

If i buy 100 loafs of bread today for 100 €, does that same money with a bit of interest, will buy me 100 loafs of bread in a year, if I secure my money at the bank, let them do whatever they want with it for a year and when I'll withdraw it i hope I'll get a bit higher value of it back. I was just wondering if inflation rates are higher than the interest rates of giving my money to a bank to store it for me, wouldn't that mean that when I'd withdraw my money from a bank i could for instance only buy 99 loafs of bread instead of 101 as I'd first time around self interested think so? Interesting, because that would mean that it is better to buy things sooner than later accordingly to such a perspective. But there are other factors that needed to be considered, at least those at the surface of it. Such as goods (mainly food) gets damaged through time, then, while money is safely at the bank there is less chance for one to be robbed of it, other valuables that are more time resistant normally loose value through it, like cars.

I asked this question many times and each time i really thought i was not entirely understood. Is the merchandise worth more or less through passing of time. Each time i got an answer that is worth less because more money was required to buy it, money that inflation constantly gnaws at. Putting imagination aside we all agree that whatever money buys is worth more in a practical sense, wait that didn't come out right.

Changing subject

Another theme that really gnaws at me was search for the inner peace. Mainly understanding how certain things work especially on mental level, but only within me. I don't know how other people manage this, but it somehow worked for me in the past and it still does now. Basically i wanna whine about self forgiveness process again. I really don't know why this topic doesn't let me live in peace, but no matter how blind i wanted to make myself I'd always remember if I'd only wanted to the things that I'd just wrap up and take them as they were meant to be, without real understanding, but rather blind belief.

When i was boy, i mean i still am, not that I've changed my sex or anything... when i was a youngster, especially in elementary school, i got faced with shit a lot of times. Mostly they were only words, sometimes it became physical. Sometimes i pushed buttons intentionally, sometimes i could say i was "innocent". I only want to focus on times when i was called names, and each time I'd feel that agony of knowing how I'm seen as, there were many things that would pull me out of that. Sometimes it was imagination how I'll in future become better, good enough to not be called names. It never came to that, but in that moment I'd feel better about myself, i felt lighter, i wasn't pushed down by this internal feeling of someone else seeing me as a peon or a farmer (like being something inferior). I'd imagine things like one calling me that with that addition of spite wouldn't even be alive if there weren't farmers out there producing food to eat. Sometimes someone else stepped in and it was enough to feel safer, sometimes it was an attention of another that would cause me to loose attention to the mental stress i was dealing with. All in all, this whole shitty experience produced something good, the more others bullshitted me how bad i am the more i took myself on to become better, basically to come to a point where others would stop joking on my account. I don't know if it the turning table thing but one thing is for sure, no matter how many excuses there exist one can always decide to override them, meaning i can say what a good person i wanted myself to become, to be pleasing to others and in the very next moment i can become some evil shit. If I'm not already that, i mean I've been called Devil knows what, and as far as i know i did try that too, only on a word level and the results were pretty predictable. Every one wants a world where people would trust each other, no conflict and abuse, yet someone like me would still state to not trust me because i honestly don't know what it good in a sense of creating a good long lasting consequence. The way i saw it was more or less a recirculation system of consequences.

Point i want to make is that there are many means to set things straight within oneself, to not be bothered by mental disharmonies, I don't know why but since all we do, ok i do is seek this balance within myself to feel stable, fulfilled in peace with myself of who i am within no matter what i am doing, why would then suddenly only one thing such as self forgiveness work and every other way I'd go I'd supposedly suppress things. And within this, if i didn't do my SF correctly i would again come up some later time because it would be equal to suppression, the poorly done self forgiveness. I don't know if it was just me or anyone else, but in a way i saw myself becoming this SF zombie, doing SF on everything i could get my mind into, and i can remember it as clear as day I'd not feel any better at all. I dare say it was the information that was shared that made me feel more at peace with myself than having those few words as a reason to have inner peace. I also don't know if i ever stated that SF worked on me, with that fanatical certainty, but there was another backchat that was coming up, and it was mostly to do with because someone else is doing it, so will I, to see if i get anything out of it, or something similar with seeing the consequences of doing something so abstract for the first time. I mean the way I saw it, it was just another version of believing in something and that faith has such power over one that it defines one into whatever one believes that faith will give him because of simply having it. Basically it was similar as believing in God and "knowing" that it, or she or he will make it right. I mean the mere though of a better future makes me feel better despite knowing the compromising now that i am in.

I don't wanna bullshit anyone into believing me. No thank you, i've seen enough of how much i mind fucked myself, and it really had nothing to do with another. Actually if there was anything i could blame another for, and even that is not certain is their intent to be so unspecific. It is kind of like those moments where you get to hear nice talk about you, and then you go all nuts on them because of it. It is similar to those situations where you'd not entirely know if one is just being nice or hitting on you. But this is a really lame excuse for a blame excuse, so yes it is my own doing, and even if it was a joke to some, the only thing i am careful now is that i don't take jokes to a serous level, because i kind of saw myself going that way, even though i can see far ahead that such ways will only create toxic relationships, and loss of time and energy. Only staying committed to write on and on is consuming enough.

Going to the bottom now and i really want to express that the only reason i did SF was because i at some point really liked another, thinking it would bring me closer to them, while all the while there was this conflict developing within me towards that individual simply because of the past that i wasn't willing to let go of, despite being told to forget everything i know. It is easier to forgive than to forget in some cases, if not all. The only difference now is that, no matter how "attracted" i was towards this individual and really daydream about how nice of a life it would be with them, and within this somehow managed to develop empathy in a sense that i'd only hurt them if i were to go after another girl, I'll now no longer bullshit myself whom i'll hurt if i am to go into a relationship with someone that would be interested in me and, hear this, me actually interested in them. I don't know why i have a hunch that I'll be one of those forever alone guys. Maybe I'm just too picky, or maybe something extraordinary really may happen. Then again what may look like extraordinary for me, may not be the same for you.

I don't know what caused other people to do SF, but for me it was definitely self interest. I mean i was really complicating things for myself at start. It was simply me wanting to just do it, not even later talk about it, but what i ran into was a natural resistance where i was asked to dig deeper and deeper, and it was in conflict with just doing it. Of course I'm not gonna tell my intents, and then let everyone laugh at me for trying out something impossible and set up as a hoax from the start. But then again is it? I personally thought both. It was like spiting something because you like it so much, or the other way around, but the point is that such behaving of me only complicated things. I personally made things so bad for me on an abstract level i keep writing just to disinform anyone would would want to "judge" me as being unbalance delusional apathetic liar, while i can assure you that i was scared as shit when writing my mind-mess out. Then again it is thinking written out so, you could always judge me as being spiteful and evil or whatever if you know that mind has a tendency to check up on all the extremes and then words one most aligned to making self interest come true out.

Currently I'm most bothered with the question of how to spend my "free" time in afternoons. Firstly i hope it will stay that way, because i got sick at a really inappropriate time. I just want to leave my job out of this blog, because I'm not certain in what kind of consequence it will cause me if i write about it. All I'm saying is that i like it and see a good future ahead for me if I'll manage to keep it. I mean surely transparency is a sought thing, but busyness is busyness.

I'd also like to express a realization of a consequence that I've managed to get myself into, and that is that I'm no longer such a scared person. If someone yells at me i don't try to control situation, but rather keep standing on my feet and face the consequence. I mean i even dare say despite all the pricking about it, it may actually be so that SF had a hand in it, while i still whole heatedly believe that SF is really meaningless without understanding, not the understanding of self forgiveness, maybe that too, but the understanding of why and what it is that one is suffering from, for example a laughter, or enjoying sadness, things that don't really make any sense until they are understood, and usually when that kicks in, the knowing makes all the energies disperse and voila stability is here. What mind knows is not interesting to it, it more yawns at already known things, cause they don't generate enough "friction" or "energy" or whatever it is that keeps one on the edge of the seat. though i might add that i also heard an opposite version where it was said that yawning is actually uncontrolled expression of a mind that doesn't want to face the facts. I personally thought of mind already knowing where some things are going and is fully ready to take them on, then again mind never knows what is in store for it, not even of what kind of self created consequences.

I silently always hoped that writing about my "deep" stuff wouldn't cause me too much trouble in real life, especially after being told how others are in no way connected to what i am doing, while being told "Join us" or something similar. I can see how i sometimes want to manipulate a safe path for me, meaning having also someone else besides me to bare the responsibility of my actions, while at the same time the person i'd be counting on most is actually constantly stating how only one taking action is responsible for it, then again if they start taking credit for something good that within such oriented responsibility got created, another represents a really two faced person that can be joked about how all good perfect things are their fault and everything bad is the fault of another.

Either way I've been looking at this double edged sword thingy and how it can't resolve any conflict from a perspective of action reaction. I mean there is one pushing the buttons and another reacting to them. From one perspective person A that is pushing the buttons is to blame because person B is "unaware" and is keep reacting to them being pushed. However from another perspective if person A pushes buttons, and then person B is not reacting the consequence that person B creates is still person B's responsibility just like in the first case. The question that I'd ask myself in such cases is will the person A stop because person B doesn't react anymore, or will the person A keep going and person B will just no handle the pressure of suppression or whatever method he uses to keep calm and just eventually explode with all the shit that got accumulated towards person A. Any way person's B actions are person's B responsibility. I mean this is not something occasional. This happens all the time. Does person B have to change to not react to person A? Does A have to change to not cause B to react, cause then B doesn't even have to change. There are probably more combinations of relationships between A and B and I'm not going into it. I personally was more of a spiteful person and would let anyone "mentally" harming me keep doing it, until they exhaust themselves, while i'd either feel good for knowing to have an upper hand in an unjust scenario or would be left with a better feeling because I'd know that sooner or later that attitude would get them to completely ruin their life, it is not a karma thing it is only logical consequence. So letting them destroy themselves is kind of spiteful, i mean i literally wished for them to keep going that way so that they would suffer the consequence they would make for themselves. Then again even when I'd tell them to "change" or would try to "change" them it would only cause more conflict. Sometimes i found it best to be just still like a rock.

Even my delusions went as far as this when once i had a dream (or maybe it was more just daydreaming) that i had myself for this "influential" being, Like having power but never really want to admit it. It was more from the perspective that others would trust me and the only power there was, were actually others that were in "harmony" with me. I say "harmony" because in this mind scenario simulator or whatever it was i had a secret backchat where i really wished for anyone to be equally judgmental without the need of anyone else's help to create even and fair judgment for any situation. This would mean that no one would ever weaver in front of another imposing conditions onto them, and none would thus ever think of doing it to another because of knowing what would immediately be faced. So in this mind-construct (pure imagination i dare say) i got confronted by this another being that went all out rage on me, basically telling me all my wrongs and i in exchange stand still as a statue. On one hand i was a it scared if they might be right on the other i was a bit spiteful towards everyone else that saw it. Cause others saw me as "powerful" and this being came and show even greater power (supposedly), I deliberately let them to finish me off. So what happened was that they stopped trusting me, because i was seen as weak for not standing up (there was simply no more me trust in), and that being got all the power that i formerly got from them in a form of trust, meaning bearing of "responsibilities". But there was also a story behind the curtain and that was mainly intent to see if there could really be only one that would get all the power, being most powerful one around that would equally then hold all the responsibility. And yes even there where it came down to just two beings there was conflict, yet not knowing was that much more powerful, that what if that you know that you'd loose if you take that more certain, safer, more self interested way. I can't explain it, it was like facing your equal while knowing both are uncertain of each other, of who will back-stab who and then you'd decide to not play on harming thy enemy but just look at it as a game where you'd play on opportunities that would change that supposed enemy-enemy relationship that was somewhat evident because of kept being harmed by one you are dealing with. On one hand it was a game that was being played in which everyone participated, on the other it was a test to see if it would make life any easier to bare to only have one "being it". Then again it was only my imagination, but then i also saw this scenario played out many times in real life. All i had to do was to hide myself and eventually everyone would thought that being made me not existent, which was to my imagination primal fear, yet paradoxically it was impossible to not exist. I honestly admit i made such stories in my head and i don't know if information from anyone else caused me to think such scenarios, but I've seen experienced some weird things in life and I'll be damned if such a thing didn't happened yet, especially if one looks at the potential that existence is just as old as all matter is. Meaning billions of years of time for things to happen.

Things like these I'd be shit scared of sharing because of mainly thinking that I've must have experienced them someplace else, like hearing them from someone else and then I'd wanted to be the hero of the situation, while what was really happening is me placing myself into a situation of another and then thinking what would be best course of action for me in such a situation. This mean mainly dealing with not knowing in what a compromising position (if) I'd be in and then finding a way out, to make things clear and to live with again.

Someone once said that a tornado running through a scrapyard would more likely build a Boeing 747 than to claim that Earth just randomly happened the way it is.

I guess with all such unreal topic i was a bit scared to be hones what happens in my head, though it was quite a challenge to share it all. I'll just say i kept it in as long as i could and now i couldn't keep it in any longer. Or maybe i just ran out of ideas of what to write.

Maybe it is that effect that i prey on where i think less of something that i then share it and it actually is an equally important piece that i have to consider to fully understand my mess of a mind. It is easy to believe in something at first glance it is presented, but then when even numbers stop making sense one is making oneself only more and more blind if one keeps up believing that things work in a certain way. I personally find imminent peace sharing my stuff whether it is with self forgiveness or not.

I personally found it sick that I'd make someone else feel miserable and would then forgive myself for being a prick, while the while i was turning the table i felt good about it, which made it even worse of a being to my mind. But then I know individuals that still firmly believe in God, while i didn't actually believe in such stuff as saving me, but more damning me, I'd feel fear of "what if". I don't know if i don't care anymore, but in the background i kind of know in what a screwed situation i am in because of failing at something i had no idea how to deal with if I'd fail at, so that is why all the other things probably look so meaningless. Then again i know individuals with such strong faith they go full rampage on me if i express a possibility that it may not actually be the way they think it is.

But best i could describe all my delusions is just "testing" out what is possible within a reality and what not. Getting real only needs honesty and if that is not that hard there is a term i still don't know how to decipher that is called self honesty, and i must add that when looking at future potentials it is quite a useless term because future telling or fortune telling is something i have deliberately decided in my youth to argue about. I mean my thing were prophecies either the ones that were predictable and the ones that weren't. Because to me we will always live in a world of little imperfections or mistakes. It is simply impossible to think each time will be the same roundabout no matter how patterned the whatever it is happening is. And those minor details are usually the ones that tend to screw up plans, no matter how well crafted they are. I'd never dare think that everything goes according to plan. Surely within some boundaries or predisposed tunnel vision, but limits are never seem to hold one entirely. I mean this is beautiful about life, no matter what kind of rule one follows there are always exceptions that make it a bit more complicated, yet solutions are usually simple.

For me at least was to simply see myself as a "what if" case, and if not, then screw whatever i was considering. Even then despite feeling like a complete mental patient, I'd see the situation equal to that where I'd for instance say something to my mind dumb and everyone one would laugh at me for saying it. Even though the joke was such that if i said one correct answer I'd be denied with 2 other possible correct answers. What i managed to do with my "intellect" was to come up with an answer that sounded correct to me at first glance, but was completely wrong despite those 3 correct ones were so obvious to cunning mind. The next moment i realised that what i said was utter bollocks it was already too late. Whole fucking school laughed at me, while i felt complete idiot. Am I now gonna go to each and every single individual to even out the supposed "spite" they were expressing or at least how i saw it. Or will i simply look at it as some program that supposed to have go down by some higher unseen force or will i simply look at it that i fate to live through and no matter how terrible i felt it was in self honesty just what i wanted to experience and i actually liked it? Did i do it so that i can now brag about how i stood through it? Or was it just life happening that uncontrollable part that keeps going on, and no matter how much we want to control each other it will always be ever present and no amount of blame will fix it, no amount of judgement will make it even, no amount of logic will ever explain it.

Try calculating how many loafs of bread are you able to buy now for same amount of money that you'd give to bank and in a year see if you get more or less out of an investment. It is a simple calculation. I bet that no matter what kind of system is put in place there will always be this natural development to it, and it usually takes time. Personally i never liked to abuse the ignorance of another, somehow i was afraid it will become my own. It is like one of those things that I'd for instance predict that the whole world would fall into while all the while I'd be the one actually getting into it. Or the other way around where I'd give myself a nice prediction of a pretty future and then in the end all those that I'd for instance think I'm better than would get one but not me. I was rather really careful when making predictions, i mean even then i was not entirely certain. I mean I'm not even certain about the past.

What i find most interesting lately is that i continuously try to gather up good topics to write about, and within it i sometimes recreate old ideas, like things that I'd let go of are reborn and then i feel like had never really let them go.

All i know that until I get a firm grip on my job I'll not take on any other self initiated projects or ideas. I mean i have lost of stuff in my mind that i really want to try and construct. And while knowing that I've wasted hopefully at least half of my life only thinking about it i really sometimes doubt that I'll ever come to an initiation phase to share and develop it. I mean some stuff is pretty easy and i could do it alone without help, but some stuff is more complicated and i don't know if it is even possible to actually create it, but only as a concept.

Despite what i think of self forgiveness i think i'll still keep on doing it, for the sake of acknowledgement of being a tool to fix self. (I sometimes think that there will come a time when someone will laugh at me, telling me it is not really working, yet it somehow did, or maybe i'm the one who makes it work for me, hmmm that sounds familiar)

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