Ambrož's journey to life

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 11 Oct 2012, 21:01

I have been reading some stuff and heaves journey to life and creators journey to life and of some other people as well. I see your point or at least try to. I realize now to some extent that every time I do something in the REAL world there is always backchat of whatever I participate in. Usually I get the things done. Point I always realize is that I want to have as much fun as I can while being alive and as little as possible of negative experience that would lead to something like fear or worry etc. I am mostly hyperactive person, I have trouble keeping still, even when I go for a walk I would most of the time pick something up like leaves or dry branches of trees and just shred it to bits so that I keep moving. At that I lately realized that no matter what I participate in the real world I always have internal conversations. Even when I focus on breath while doing something there are still thoughts coming up. I know that most of it is bullshit because its just `listening/talking´ to the program of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become/believe.
Every time there is a suggestion that someone gives out to me first thing I think of is the play out of it and of coarse if its `positive´ in the way that I will be satisfied with the end result for my `feel´ I would normally go along with it, but if there is doubt and or `negative´ I would usually turn away. And than would get me even more lost as if why did I let the chance go and than even more doubt would manifest and regret of not trying to seize the `opportunity´ of fear of being just another useless experience.

I know I sabotage myself within the thoughts, missing the opportunity, questioning if there is really anything that I will get out of the situation that would suit me, constantly doubting if there is really any need for my participation missing on life. I lost a lot of time trying to `figure out´ I know there is no point in doing it other than merely my self entertainment in my mind and than accepting that as the truth and feeling some satisfaction towards myself, self manipulation to the positive end.

Lately I understand how I got to this point of always trying to see things my way, I have missed a lot of life trying to have fun all the time and blinding myself from the real problems since I knew I am only living my life and in that I tried to adjust myself to the environment so that I would be accepted in it.

Well the most tragic thing of life is that is never right in the eyes of another, as if I know what I could do to make it best for all. I wasted my life trying to find constant entertainment with TV, PC games, hanging out, drinking, using drugs etc... I was consumed by seeking the experience of the positive. Of coarse I tried to make my future as well, I mean that is what we all do making a path to survival of possessing as much as possible so that our survival is ensured.

The point of my pondering was made due to trying to express towards the belief I made myself believe in that moment of time why I'm `a robot´ and yes it was made to get an energy experience out of it as me expressing some useless points that I put together in my head.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to express reasons to why i am a robot constantly reacting, trying figure out something that doesn't need to be figured out, trying to prove myself, to be accepted and in this not seeing that I further separate myself from the common sense and making useless excuses of how something is.

And the information I know its a mess, teachers in school for languages have pointed it out to me that I'm constantly running to too fast conclusions and that I make constant mistakes, my mom usually just says that I should just slow down just like you people, dad thinks I theorize too much and most of the time just says that I should keep quiet and do something, and sister says that if I think too much I won't do anything in life and you say what you say. Well I always had trouble expressing myself, I don't know why it is difficult for me to try and find common sense points.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 11 Oct 2012, 21:35

Day 13: Friends, enemies...

http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... emies.html

Few days ago I had trouble falling asleep because of too much thoughts.

I remembered this event of youth. In the village where I live we used to play football a lot. There were quite a few times that a game would turn from competition to aggression because of things like hitting into a leg instead of a ball and would end up as fights. Well we still played no matter what kind of shit would happen.

One time I was with the lot kicking ball around and suddenly I heard this swift sound that passed my head. I turned around and saw this friend aiming an air gun at me. I screamed at him that his fucking crazy but he still took an aim and fired at me again. He hit my foot well it wasn't much but I still got furious at him. I didn't do anything all I know that I was pissed like hell and didn't understand why a guy would point a weapon at me and fire. I didn't do anything to him.

Remembering this, I made this imaginary event when I would come close to him and just kick him in the balls and I would have an up most enjoyment doing it. And within that thought, when I was laying in my bed I twitched as an physical reaction of my body to that thought of satisfaction of hurting that guy as a payback. After that I didn't have very good feel about myself I stopped and breathe.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to try and figure out my past because of which I allowed myself to became what I am today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be vengeful in the thoughts towards other people that influenced my living of reality in a negative way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so sensitive to a event that might cause might cause physical harm to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at a supposed friend that fired an air gun at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for a situation in which I would have an up hand in taking revenge for some even that I found most displeasing to me.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Marlen » 11 Oct 2012, 21:52

Hey

I find this writing a lot more focused in placing out who you are within this all and the intention behind your current perspective toward process / by 'this writing' I mean the one you posted before your blog entry above

A cool point to begin with is actually taking that 'advice' of slowing down - you will find that just by doing this simple example one starts to realize how it is that we must for example grab a 'something' on the way while walking and shred it to pieces - I've done that, I've seen many do that in unawareness when being 'up there' in the mind in some kind of anxiety. Hyperactivity thus is not an actual 'disease' or 'mental instability' made physical - it is a matter of slowing down and not trying to match the physical to the mind's activity, but the other way around and that's what this process is for.

The sense of defeatism here is because of wanting to keep fulfilling the mind's indulgence in relation to always having a point to 'win' and be satisfied with - that's where we tend to loop around, and it only can happen if we simply decide not to make an absolute decision to correct ourselves, but leaving a 'back door open' just in case we 'get bored and want to get back to our old life.' Once you start walking your process and realizing to what extent fulfilling the mind is in fact self limitation, your 'value system' on that which is fulfilling will start being aligned in self-honesty - however, this cannot be put only into words, it is what you'll have to leave and testify for yourself, so that you can see what it is that you can trust in your reality and what you cannot trust in your reality.

Common sense in this regard is quite simple and you can already attest some of this based on this writing you've done - spot the self interest, spot the activities that you indulge into that you already Know are not beneficial for you or anyone, spot where the point of 'giving into' the mind's desires and experience exists, spot where you are not effectively considering others as yourself, spot all the times when you go into frustration in 'wanting to understand' in the mind instead of writing it out, applying self forgiveness and self corrective application in order to Then, place it into practical physical correction, spot where you are taking other people's suggestions as a judgment or even attack, instead of actually humbling down and trying out what they suggest to see if it is in fact supportive or not.

What I've found is that we mostly want to 'get it all' in our minds as a form of certainty 'in the mind' of what I am participating in, instead of unconditionally testing it out, walking it, living it, applying it in the physical in my every day living.

Any form of resistance or belief that this is not possible or that there is something 'off' with you is also part of the character that you've become, that we have all become; because you're certainly no different to any of us that obviously sought to grasp it all as knowledge instead of placing it into application, or always seeking a 'something' to get an experience from - it is only through a decision you make to go slowly but surely stopping that and dedicating yourself to your own written and applied self correction that you will be able to go 'making sense' and understanding common sense. Otherwise, intellectualizing/ thinking about it only will be just that: an abstraction of something that you can in fact test out / live and apply for yourself.

What I see is that you're at the right place and got the right tools if you are willing to live them, because I can see the limitations that are being currently accepted as part of that which I went through as well, belittling myself and diminishing my ability to actually stand up. So, it's up to you how you direct yourself. As always, you can keep sharing your writings in order to write out the self forgiveness for all of these limitations and self corrective statements - the point of sharing them here is precisely to support where there's not a clear self-honest consideration in the correction to apply.

With regards to going into memories in your blog - I would rather suggest you to first work on establishing yourself as process meaning working on the points you had written out and all the limitations that were placed there and walk the self forgiveness and self corrective statements accordingly. The memory you just wrote out stands quite off from what you are currently beginning to open up. That's my suggestion.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 12 Oct 2012, 00:10

I am just letting the pieces go out of me so that I will try to compose them back together so that I will try to understand why I am such a reactor due to knowing that my minds decisions are mostly a composition of experienced events from the past and trying to let go of the memories that define me since anything I do I get a reaction that it is somehow wrong from others perspective and trying to let go of the belief that anything I do is basically only giving to another a chance to give me more judgements of what I have become as in I'm not enough for what I am and that I do this and that wrong as in I'm not being honest towards myself and in that honest towards others as in honesty there is truth, and when I seek honest truth I only express lies that only support my view and not another and in that I loose common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to make justifications for my not good enough character towards others and that I only try be what is best for all instead of actually being best for all, and in that seeking reasons, judgements for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

I have much less stress/anxiety now due to so much writing it out, what my thoughts/reactions/experiences are and how they take a part of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

To tell the truth I thought too much what to write and when I want to express what I have trouble with so many points open up i don't know where to start and taking it slowly its just hard to let go of being simple and a lot harder to focus in to detail to take the detail apart and when in the detail I get blinded by it and failing to see the simplicity of it all as if I am trying to make sense out of myself with all the bull that is constantly emerging just like this one.

I will continue from the points I have expressed till now.

Thanks for support.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Leila » 12 Oct 2012, 00:24

Cool perspective Marlen -- I suggest you take Marlen's advice and start taking the points to their completion before moving on to the next, otherwise one is merely participating in a 'quick fix', where we use writing to for a moment 'release energy' without using the actual practical tools as Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to correct the points we wrote about, and so they will simply re-occur

... since anything I do I get a reaction that it is somehow wrong from others perspective and trying to let go of the belief that anything I do is basically only giving to another a chance to give me more judgements of what I have become as in I'm not enough for what I am ...


Remember to take any point where we tend to direct our focus to another as in "they are doing it to me" or "it is them judging me" -- back to self, as these points reflect our relationship with ourselves.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Marlen » 12 Oct 2012, 00:45

Yes, and to add a pointer here:
I am just letting the pieces go out of me so that I will try to compose them back together so that I will try to understand why I am such a reactor due to knowing that my minds decisions are mostly a composition of experienced events from the past and trying to let go of the memories that define me since anything I do I get a reaction that it is somehow wrong from others perspective and trying to let go of the belief that anything I do is basically only giving to another a chance to give me more judgements of what I have become as in I'm not enough for what I am and that I do this and that wrong as in I'm not being honest towards myself and in that honest towards others as in honesty there is truth, and when I seek honest truth I only express lies that only support my view and not another and in that I loose common sense.


"and when I seek honest truth I only express lies that only support my view and not another and in that I loose common sense."



You got your basic belief-system of 'who you are' within self honesty, toward common sense and the point of 'trying to understand.' I would take this quote and write out self forgiveness for all the acceptances and allowances, specifically identifying why you would deliberately in spite of realizing a point of self honesty, only express lies in order to support your view instead of - not another's point - but supporting yourself to speak, act and live in common sense. There you'll find your basic limitation. This way, you already have quite some points to write upon what has been discussed already, meaning there's no need to find any points to write about as these are for now the basic points that you can apply self forgiveness and self corrective application for.

If something's not clear, here you post and we'll assist.

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Bella
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Bella » 12 Oct 2012, 08:33

Awesome support here, thanks everyone for sharing!

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 12 Oct 2012, 21:20

Day 14: Facing thought manifested lies

http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... -lies.html

I have veiled myself behind the systems of beliefs that I have made myself believed them to be true and within believing those systems of experiences, justifications I have come to the point I am today as me alone. I have deliberately forced myself to write out my thoughts that were closes at the time of writing as a deliberate self manipulation to face that what I have accepted and allowed myself to think about and made decisions based on those thoughts. I always thought that I'm somewhat perfect towards others and than with that justified my reactions towards the judgements of others towards me not seeing realizing that all I think about is what others think of me and always try to hide my true self behind the curtain of belief that others have and act out a persona that would always suit others instead of me being me and allow others to judge me not some acting out of me that i thought it would suit others and in that deliberately manipulating my self expression.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed to express self honestly as my beliefs and my justifications in fear of not being accepted for what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to manipulate myself towards others in the name of getting others to like me and in that blinding/separating myself from myself as I would keep the veil of what I truly am and instead express lie in the name of fear of letting others see me of what I truly am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others judging me is making me scared for myself by not allowing myself to see myself and in that deliberately denying something that I see clearly of what I am an than refusing to be that of what I truly am and hide myself behind the veil of lies.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to face myself and see that all the time I am manipulating myself in my mind that I am more than others and in that denying that I am more than others I deliberately lie that I am less than others, instead of seeing that I am equal and one with others since I depend on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my beliefs towards others, by making a belief towards me and thus by seeing me for what I truly am I see others for what they truly are and at this I forgive myself that I haven accepted and allowed myself to see that all I do is judge myself and than think that others are doing same exact thing and allow myself to judge others the way I judge myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I deliberately keep bending the point of self honesty and manipulate myself to think that I'm mistaken about it as not being sure about it and thus I rather express something else such as a lie in hope that lie will be the right as a point of not being honest with myself and not allowing myself to express honestly.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to have doubt as an excuse to not trust myself

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to rather keep relying on others instead of me being self directive principle that is self honest and not being afraid of expressing myself of what I am towards the real world.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to rely on my thoughts not realizing that thoughts are fabrication of my beliefs of what I have accepted and allowed myself to think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am more than me instead of seeing and realizing that I am only me and that there is no more of me, and that thoughts are only an illusion that try to justify what I am when in fact I am only manipulating myself with thoughts and than think that they are real, not realizing that thoughts are a program that needs judgements/justifications/collaboration of knowledge/realizations/imagination so that I can experience energies within myself of positive and negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself with realizations and justifications for my existence and within that not realizing that I am loosing my time to express myself in now and instead live in my head and keep allowing myself to think if I am good enough, creating doubt towards myself as not being satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am perfect when I act-out myself towards others so that I will suit others and in that deliberately suppress myself and my true expression as fear that I have created to think that others will not be satisfied with my true expression and than would deliberately suppress me.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I seek honest truth I only express lies that only support my view and not another ones, when in fact I don't really know what another ones point of view is, except within self-honesty we are all the same.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful toward my expression of self-honest me as fear of expressing self-honest me as fear that others wouldn't like self-honest me, and within that spitefulness towards expressing self-honest me I would than express lies as self dishonesty, because of fear others not liking my self-expression.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Marlen » 12 Oct 2012, 21:56

Hi Ambroz

Cool, the point is coming out in relation to why you would choose self dishonesty when expressing yourself and generally understanding how we in fact do know in the moment what self honestly acting would be like - thus, I suggest continuing within this 'line' of self forgiveness as this is the relationship toward your own words, thoughts and deeds as how you relate to others as yourself.

A pointer here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am more than me instead of seeing and realizing that I am only me and that there is no more of me, and that thoughts are only an illusion that try to justify what I am when in fact I am only manipulating myself with thoughts and than think that they are real, not realizing that thoughts are a program that needs judgements/justifications/collaboration of knowledge/realizations/imagination so that I can experience energies within myself of positive and negative.


For further clarification in terms of what is real/ what is not real and the 'illusion' proclaimed - read the following perspective given by Sunette here: viewtopic.php?f=75&t=4062&p=27525#p27513


Another point to consider is that self trust will actually emerge when and as you go applying yourself/ living the correction and walking in self honesty - for now the point that we can rely on certainly is the physical body to stabilize ourselves here as breath whenever we are carrying ourselves over with thoughts and further inner over-analyzing of ourselves and our reality. This is also how walking these points in self forgiveness assists and supports ourselves to realize what is the point that we were 'missing' in that moment in relation to applying/ living self honesty.

Cool - thanks for sharing.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 13 Oct 2012, 21:19

Day 15: Working without and within

http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... ithin.html

So as I have mentioned before I have trouble keeping my mind quiet even when I do something that is of a psychical nature. Today I squeezed apples. And all the time I worked, I just couldn't keep quiet in my head.
All the time I was thinking about people from desteni forum and the past that brought me to this point when I am writing myself out and truth be told I don't even know if I'm doing it for myself or for `best for all´. Constant doubts still emerge what the fuck am I so hanged up on this writing, is this a joke, is it for real, is it even for self, do I get anything out of this(well at least I'll learn how to write proper English in a way), is this just another fraud, what if this equality really possible (System that is is only because it was made and allowed to be such)- no more competition for surviving, what if these people that I'm talking to are really just another exploiters of human nature, how the fuck can I become self honest towards the world that is not even sure about themselves, why do I even do this, I have come this far and still alive why not go any further, I'll put trust into an idea that needs time and dedication not just some lit the fuse and wait for the action to happen.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that self-trust just like any other trust needs time to be established, not just some banging head to the wall of proposal that comes crushing down on me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that what I am doing here as writing self-forgiveness is only for myself to establish myself to see what my-self has become to erase that self so that I will make a new self that will be best for all.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that writing out my thoughts to others is like lifting a burden that I hold within me and not letting others to see those thoughts in fear they will not like me when they see my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write out my self my thoughts my self manipulation that I have deliberately imposed on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt int existence of equality, not realizing that in that I am only supporting more inequality and competition as fight for survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that an idea that would support equality is another fraud of human intelligence that wants to take advantage of human positive thinking from a perspective that we can make a better world that is best for all when in fact I am fully aware that is only getting worse and will continue to get worse as a direct result of people not trusting each other and instead compete with each other.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that any kind of system is possible, we only need to make it and allow it.

I commit myself to start trusting the idea of system of equality, a system that is best for all and allow myself to work on that system of equality that will need time and dedication to be realized, accepted and allowed, and if I will fail I know that the current system is so fucked up that it deserves to persist and suffer/torture/devour itself and will know that there is really nothing that will change the world else than self-destruction.

I mean all the shit that we are facing with this idea of equality is like next to impossible, I mean just think about it go back as far as possible and see if there was even a day without war and this new equality thing looks like someone laughing and crying out of sadness at the whole fucking knowledge combined, what would we do without knowlede? I'm in till I die.


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