Ambrož's journey to life

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Marlen
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Marlen » 13 Oct 2012, 22:39

Cool points and yeah, all of this that you've gone through I went through a hundred times, doubting the 'whole thing' until I realized that the only thing that was not sure about it all was me, of course.

Thus, when I got to grasp the fact that I was waiting to 'trust' someone else/ something outside of myself, I realized that I had to stop wishing and hoping to be 'in the right thing' and instead fully Become it myself, make it work by my own means - otherwise I would still be crawling around the walls wanting to remain in a 'safe spot' wherein at least I 'knew my limits' which is obviously the entire set of excuses most people have when facing the point of self responsibility and self-correction.


I commit myself to start trusting the idea of system of equality, a system that is best for all and allow myself to work on that system of equality that will need time and dedication to be realized, accepted and allowed, and if I will fail I know that the current system is so fucked up that it deserves to persist and suffer/torture/devour itself and will know that there is really nothing that will change the world else than self-destruction.



Thus, according to what I shared above, suggestion is to not seek to trust an 'idea' only, but become it, live it. Allowing yourself to work on it begins here, with you writing and assessing your own limitations and fears and all of it, which is definitely the first clear step every human being should take in order to start considering our own participation within this same system that cannot function properly unless we all equally 'work on it' as well.

What's interesting is that, within the 'self destruction' point, I've mulled around that a lot as well until I made the decision to stop doing so, simply because I realized how within this idea of us having to 'suffer' and get to that point of ultimate destruction, is actually also an easy way out, at least for ourselves as individual human beings, because the Earth and animals and all living beings we're mostly unaware of will continue to be here, and most likely even then the few beings that remain obviously require to create a sustainable system. We're talking hypothetical here - so, before all of this having to be an actuality, we Stop indulging in 'what ifs' and instead, work on living the system as ourselves, it begins here and obviously becoming an active part of the group that is walking this, which is here, Desteni.

I mean all the shit that we are facing with this idea of equality is like next to impossible, I mean just think about it go back as far as possible and see if there was even a day without war and this new equality thing looks like someone laughing and crying out of sadness at the whole fucking knowledge combined, what would we do without knowledge? I'm in till I die.


The problem I found when beginning to grasp Equal Money - and this was 3 years ago - was that I was trying to project in my mind this 'equality world' all nice and readily living 'equally together' and all working perfectly - obviously this is also a pipe dream as nothing will get done unless we actually lay out a plan to do it. We are the only ones that are currently proposing an Educational aspect to a world-system change, and this is why Desteni and Equal Money go hand in hand - one cannot really exist without the other as Desteni's ultimate point is obviously to establish the living principle of Equality as an economic, political, social model that will have to be rather defined as a living organic system where all beings are equally regarded and supported as equals.

Thus, I had to stop thinking 'how it will work?' and instead prepare myself,work out the solutions in common sense and that's essentially what we are doing and obviously, we all require to get ourselves to a more constant and persistent effort as a group in order to generate a bigger impact within our current means of awareness which is the internet of course.

What could we do without knowledge? to not be radical here, I'd say it depends on what type of knowledge and if such knowledge is in fact an understanding of how reality works, how we created it in order to not re-create the same in a new equality system, and that applies also to our very own functioning as individuals/ human beings within the relationship of the physical and the mind.

Therefore, I don't quite understand what you are 'in it till you die' if it's supporting an equal money system/ yourself as life or knowledge - however, all of the boohoo type of drama that we create in our minds is actually giving it permission to exist, as we are rather up there entertained with gloomy outcomes instead of being it/ becoming it - thus, we decide at all times what we do with ourselves and the future we create in this world.

The suggestion and direction here should be quite obvious: there is no choice in supporting life or not, because life is not placing a condition in keeping us all alive, we are it - hence the least thing we can do is honor life back. And for that, ego-delusions must stop as a self-willed action within the understanding of everything that Desteni and Equal Money represent as a living principle.

You Decide.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 14 Oct 2012, 21:58

Day 16: Contacting self-trust self-resposibility

http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... -self.html

Finding point of trust within myself is finding honesty and each time I dig for a point of honesty I somehow always fear of missing it and in that fear doubt occurs that I'm being self-honest. Its looking at the moment of letting into the feeling of finding something exciting that would `buff me up´ and than just letting it out in the name of getting that `buff up´. Before I continue participating in that excitement I stop, I breathe and look at what am I going to let out as in is this really self honest or is this just another one of those realizations that only allow myself to manipulate myself into positive energetic state, that would leave an open door behind me so that I could quickly escape the consequence and in that I would express not sure character as I am too scared to take a self-responsible decision and walk the consequences and instead make a doubtful testimony and only show out my self-dishonesty as I am not yet able to see myself honestly and take my self-responsibility to the real and not participate in doubt. So instead of making a responsible decision I let go into doubt as that doubt will enable me to postpone my initial facing of making a decision and will only make me wait more and in this not seeing that I am only self-dishonest as a doubt that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overcome by it, instead of showing my true self-honest decision and the commitment that follows it.

It is hard to be self-honest hard to find the real reason behind the decision, the self interest that is always lurking somewhere in the back of my mind and the fear that drives it. Its the point of avoidance, the point i don't want myself to be faced with to see my true self to see how doubtful I am prepared to be towards myself and as a consequence of that self doubt I would express it towards others. So at this perspective the true self is only expressed in the physical as dedication as a commitment and desire towards one decision and not allowing myself to express doubt, but express certainty and take responsibility for that decision and not to indulge to waiting with doubt that only allows me in self-dishonest way as in I am not sure, what if etc.

So if that desire is `best for all´ that would mean that I must always and constantly express truth-the truth at this or any point would mean that I express the initial reason for why I am participating, putting my time in to something, and the end result which I would WANT and as this `what I would WANT´ is self interest and that than I would have to change that self interest into your interest so that my self interest would be equal to your self interest or any others self interest and so in a way `equal self interest´ as that would mean that I must stop doubts stop ifs and start trusting.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that doubt only postpones the choice I made myself faced with and in this I gave myself more time to indulge into the the things that are of self-importance not seeing that I'm missing out the opportunity to change the reality around me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see the sacrifice that I am making when I am postponing myself as doubt and not accept and allow myself to take a decision and within that decision express commitment towards that decision and start participating in that decision and in that leaving my wants that only support my `being happy character´ and let go pursuing `being happy character´ and start doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that doubt is only an expression of fear as in not allowing and accepting myself to see the consequence that I would be facing when I make a decision to move things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself go into doubt when facing a point that would require me to investigate and is so vast that it overwhelms me and in that not seeing that doubt only takes time that I could use to participate in an investigation of that point.

I commit myself to start investigating and participating in the point of and equal money system.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Marlen » 14 Oct 2012, 22:07

Cool! Thanks for sharing

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Gian
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Gian » 14 Oct 2012, 22:56

Cool Blogs and support Ambroz.

thanks for sharing.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 15 Oct 2012, 21:47

Day 17: My money your money

http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... money.html

When I was a youngster I dreamt of a life where I will have money, obviously. There is nothing like it than to rely on something that others rely on. Something that others believe in. At times I even thought of making something that everyone would want to have like a product that would sell. In that I thought this would like be a great opportunity to make my own money since I would have the resource of something that I would sell and for that resource I would want my money from anyone else to buy that resource from me and in that anyone would than first have to acquire the money that only I could make. It would be a kick ass system, well there was this little problem that I haven't found anything that would be like a must have to everyone else since all that all need is already here the fruits, vegetables, animals, soil... Its almost as if everything was already prepared to be lived trough.

Than I figured I'd just live my life as everyone else does and accept the system that is and keep my interest locked on school which would give me further knowledge and paper of successful education so that I would be able to sell that knowledge further to ensure my survival and even more as in I want to have a nice future with basic materialistic possessions and a couple of cash more so that my further future would be insured for at least a couple of months ahead.

Its a competition from the start and those that fail are left behind those that persist are still competing. It only works as long there is money and when that will fail I am positive some other method of trade kicks in to insure we survive since now days everyone is so dependant on each other, except those that have the privilege to own an environment that only rely on self-support but event that is not completely cut off from the system.

So the thing is that the more money one has the more cunning and better user/abuser of the system one is and the more possession one has more money one needs to support that possession as more needs more repairing since everything is made to sooner or later gets broken or used too much. So it goes out of control and we get some ending up with a lot and some with a not. And all the other shit that we do to each other in the name of acquiring possession.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that knowledge that I know of is only used for my self interest of creating my own survival and neglecting what damage I cause to others within the race/competition for survival

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that hoarding knowledge is only supporting myself interest for I am only learning how to support myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that money that I will acquire though working with my knowledge in the current system will only support the competition for survival further and in that I will still be ignorant of how others will end up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that the more I possess the better user/abuser of the current money system I am becoming and the more I have the more cunning I am as in making the right choices on the path to abundance.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that living for my self interest of surviving is only supporting separation, competition, current system, and makes me be ignorant in the eyes of others since I am only support myself and not others in the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that the system that is existing now has to be changed in order for man to get rid of the gap that has become so evident between those who have and those that haven't got the privilege to live the life of abundance.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to experience pleasure due to having the basic stuff that I need in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that in order to change the system, system needs to be in dept analyzed and than plan out the solution that will be best for all and by that meaning that the individuals of each institution that is manipulating some type of matter as in productions facilities that is/are necessity in order to keep the basic needs of man fulfilled such as water, food, housing, clothes, heat, electricity... and than those individuals need to be made aware of a new equal money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the equal money system still needs time and work to develop the infrastructure of all the facilities, paths and knowing of the schematics, mechanics of the current system so that than the current system can be transformed in to the equal money system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when the equal money system will be implemented, those that will have abundance of possession will have to give up on some of the possession since a lot of possession needs a lot of substance, energy to be sustained and in that equal salary would not be able to support an abundance of one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when the equal money system will be implemented those that struggle to survive and live a lifestyle from hands to mouth will be be lifted from having nothing to have and thus crime will decrease dramatically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that an equal money system implementation would need the support of individuals that are willing to get rid of the life of abundance and the pursuit of the goals that would lead the individuals into life of abundance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the equal money system can only exist in a world that has each individual sacrificing themselves to the community and not giving in to the self-interest and placing themselves before another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the path to the equal money system is a path that will met and face all the possible obstacles that the current system is accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to think that equal money system can only be implemented and exist if its supported with honesty and no allowance to any kinds of cons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that equal money system is not impossible to bring into existence.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Marlen » 16 Oct 2012, 07:42

Hi, I'll share some perspectives on what you wrote here:

When I was a youngster I dreamt of a life where I will have money, obviously. There is nothing like it than to rely on something that others rely on. Something that others believe in. At times I even thought of making something that everyone would want to have like a product that would sell. In that I thought this would like be a great opportunity to make my own money since I would have the resource of something that I would sell and for that resource I would want my money from anyone else to buy that resource from me and in that anyone would than first have to acquire the money that only I could make. It would be a kick ass system, well there was this little problem that I haven't found anything that would be like a must have to everyone else since all that all need is already here the fruits, vegetables, animals, soil... Its almost as if everything was already prepared to be lived through.


This is actually a cool way to exemplify how we have complicated our lives with capitalism wherein developing a product, sufficient marketing to sell it, distribute it and keeping it functional enough to make enough profit from it actually becomes rather difficult to keep up to – essentially how we are currently keeping-up this entire system with a debt-money-made-out-of-thin-air type of logistics that only make sense to a system design to fulfill only a certain pattern of benefitting a few. All of this missing out the point that we already have what we require as everything we make a business out of is from the Earth as well and that all that it requires is a system that can be implemented in order to manage, administrate and distribute what is already HERE in order to support all beings equally – which is then applying a physical organism law instead of a mental-human law – by this it is to observe how the physical body places no restriction to distribute blood to every single part of the body = the same way we have to apply this principle for the social organism to function properly. Thus it is our responsibility as human beings to create a system that can provide Equal Life for all – that’s the ‘dream’ that must be realized now by us.



Than I figured I'd just live my life as everyone else does and accept the system that is and keep my interest locked on school which would give me further knowledge and paper of successful education so that I would be able to sell that knowledge further to ensure my survival and even more as in I want to have a nice future with basic materialistic possessions and a couple of cash more so that my further future would be insured for at least a couple of months ahead.

Its a competition from the start and those that fail are left behind those that persist are still competing. It only works as long there is money and when that will fail I am positive some other method of trade kicks in to insure we survive since now days everyone is so dependant on each other, except those that have the privilege to own an environment that only rely on self-support but event that is not completely cut off from the system.

So the thing is that the more money one has the more cunning and better user/abuser of the system one is and the more possession one has more money one needs to support that possession as more needs more repairing since everything is made to sooner or later gets broken or used too much. So it goes out of control and we get some ending up with a lot and some with a not. And all the other shit that we do to each other in the name of acquiring possession.


Definitely, that’s the story of how from let’s say having an ‘initiative’ when we are young, we suddenly learn the conditions and restrictions within the system wherein we then ‘give up’ any possibility and idea of doing things differently as we have all essentially bound each other to comply to the system – why? Because our very survival depends on submitting to it. That’s our current dependence and ‘oneness’ fuck up, really, because even if you own an environment that is relatively self-sufficient/ self-supported, as long as we are on this same world = we are equally responsible. That’s also why we speak about being in the system instead of going into further seclusion in order to ‘be self sufficient’ while proposing no solution at a global level. It’s as if suddenly one organ in the body decided to be ‘self sufficient’ and not require blood … well, it’s rather impossible – thus we can see how only common sense can prevail as a point of correction within this world and that is the consideration of all parts equally.

We have our proof based on all that we have done in the name of possession as private property, profit creation and the pay for labor which are the points that keep fueling the driving force of humanity being self interest named capitalism, instead of It being an equal and one realization of being a participant that is here as the result of all parts functioning together in equal terms. This means humans, animal kingdom, nature/ ecosystem. Within this, it’s definitely plain to see that the point of possession as the relationships we’ve imposed upon the Earth/ physical reality are the ones that are the problem. Thus the reform/ correction stems from within us and our relationships formed toward this reality as a system of self interest, instead of a system of common and equal interest.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that hoarding knowledge is only supporting myself interest for I am only learning how to support myself.


Here what is the point that is being self forgiven? Is it hoarding knowledge or is it the point of allowing yourself to take things point by point as you are beginning to learn how to support yourself in self honesty?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that money that I will acquire though working with my knowledge in the current system will only support the competition for survival further and in that I will still be ignorant of how others will end up.


The point in general with regards to knowledge/ studies, it is to simply see it/ realize it as an aspect that we still have to get ourselves into and participate in, as the system is configured to precisely regard those with enough credentials as credible/ professionals that can make the most money – thus, we created the system as such belief system and as such, we take responsibility for it as well. Therefore in a way it’s cool that you are realizing these points, however I suggest realizing that it is not to now judge knowledge or any activity you do as something ‘not beneficial’ and within that creating an excuse to remain in judgment within the realization of how things operate and projecting ‘blame’ onto the system instead of taking responsibility for the establishment of solutions from within the system.

It is cool that you spot the points of self interest however now that we are existing as such points within the system, it is to support ourselves to then begin the point of correction where for example, making money is not only destined then to support your own personal interest, but destine it to support yourself to be in a stable financial position to within this, participate from within the system to implement a change. Why we emphasize the point of being within the system? Because look at revolutions: all oppositions stir waves for a moment, but only end up upgrading the system and evolving to then ‘absorb/ subsume’ the perceived antagonist faction and within that maintain an equilibrium that is actually required when looking at the world system from the energetic-perspective- just as our minds – where you get the positive and negative creating enough friction and conflict to perpetuate and give continuation to the ‘life of the system’ which is how we can see in our world translates to all things abuse toward life/ ourselves.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that in order to change the system, system needs to be in dept analyzed and than plan out the solution that will be best for all and by that meaning that the individuals of each institution that is manipulating some type of matter as in productions facilities that is/are necessity in order to keep the basic needs of man fulfilled such as water, food, housing, clothes, heat, electricity... and than those individuals need to be made aware of a new equal money system.


You can rephrase this one to say "I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to… "otherwise if it stays as is now, the point to self forgive would make no sense as a point to correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the equal money system still needs time and work to develop the infrastructure of all the facilities, paths and knowing of the schematics, mechanics of the current system so that than the current system can be transformed in to the equal money system.


This is actually a realization more than a point to self forgive, because it is an actuality that we are currently facing and realizing: it obviously requires time and an entire process wherein we are at the moment taking responsibility at an individual level for our own minds and lives. Thus we definitely have to get to the phase of developing a new administrative plan, since the infrastructure is already here and most of the methods use can be simply re-viewed in order what complies to a new set of principles that the system will be based on, which is at all times considering the entire impact and consequence that any activity within this world will create within the ‘greater picture.’ This is thus rather a common sensical statement you made instead of it being a self-forgiveness point: we have to get to know how the system works to be able to transform it/ reform it into the equal money system using what’s already here. Same process applies with our minds: we use what we already exist as our physical body and mind in order to align the mind to support the physical instead of it being mostly living off from the physical – and to understand this relationship I suggest you listen to the Soul of Money Series of Interviews which explain all of this I am talking about in great detail and the quantum mind series. Actually the Soul of Money would be supportive as it is like the necessary background that one requires in order to ‘make sense’ of the Equal Money System in a practical level that begins with this process that we are walking here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when the equal money system will be implemented, those that will have abundance of possession will have to give up on some of the possession since a lot of possession needs a lot of substance, energy to be sustained and in that equal salary would not be able to support an abundance of one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when the equal money system will be implemented those that struggle to survive and live a lifestyle from hands to mouth will be be lifted from having nothing to have and thus crime will decrease dramatically.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that an equal money system implementation would need the support of individuals that are willing to get rid of the life of abundance and the pursuit of the goals that would lead the individuals into life of abundance.


Here this is simply part of the common sensical outflows from supporting all beings equally where all fear and survival is removed- thus it is not a point to self forgive – but rather realize what is possible when implementing this equality system.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the equal money system can only exist in a world that has each individual sacrificing themselves to the community and not giving in to the self-interest and placing themselves before another.


This is a cool point to consider and also a rather common misconception –the point of ‘sacrifice’ that we’ve learned is linked to hard work/ difficulty/ striving to do as in giving away something to obtain some others, without realizing how in this system we are Already living within that absolute sacrifice to the extent where no one is living as everyone is equally fearing to lose money or not having any money – thus elite and ‘populous’ equally strive on that – wherein the sacrifice is actually the physical reality that is being consumed in order to satisfy that self interest. However, when we ‘turn the tables’ and place the equality principle of life as the ‘guiding factor’ to see what is Self-honest and what is not, we can realize that the real Self-interest can only exist within the consideration of Self as the Whole – Self as a part that is invariably affected by everything and all that is here – without us being aware of it or not, as it is part of the physicality/ oneness we are bound to at the moment. This is why you’ll often read statements like ‘No One is Free until All is Free’ as the realization that we can only be existent in our optimum ‘self-interest’ when such self considers the whole equally – and here I quote Bernard from yesterday:

    "To Do and Live what is Best For All Life is NORMAL behaviour – To NOT do and NOT Live what is Best for ALL Life is ABNORMAL behaviour" - Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the path to the equal money system is a path that will met and face all the possible obstacles that the current system is accepting and allowing.


Yes, this is something that is also a possibility – thus what I suggest investigating within all of these statements is where do you see the obstacles yourself, is there any reactions when realizing that yes, there will be obstacles faced?

I forgive myself to have accepted and allowed myself to think that equal money system can only be implemented and exist if its supported with honesty and no allowance to any kinds of cons.


This is a fact thus, not a point to self forgive either but to take it back to self and where you see you’re not yet standing within this realization as a living-realization of the changes that we all individually must implement within ourselves to align to what’s best for all = equal money system’s principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that equal money system is not impossible to bring into existence.


Yes, this is also a common mind-control point, an indication that giving into this thought will only allow the mind to continue running its ‘curse’ in the physical, which we cannot continue to allow and instead, align ourselves as our mind, as the physical to ensure that we are not deviated from the physical common sense by a single fear and belief of the mind.

Cool for sharing this Ambroz, since these are common fears, beliefs, considerations that must certainly be realized in order to see where we are allowing ourselves to create a belief, an experience and perception of a point that we all have to take responsibility for its creation.


If something's not clear, let us know -


And! Suggest you read An Economist's Journey To Lifeas well

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Luka
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Luka » 16 Oct 2012, 07:58

Ambrož, predlagam da se registriraš na našem slovenskem forumu in se predstaviš, da te spoznamo.

http://desteni.org/sl/forum/index.php

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 16 Oct 2012, 22:35

Day 18: For giving self-for giving?

http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... iving.html

I realized that the starting point of self forgiveness was displeasing to me. Why? I always looked at religion institutions to bring some kind of patch-work to the human nature of wanting to know things from the past, here-now, future as a point of being justified for what it is and some kind of hope for the future that we will somehow get better or more as who we are. It was not to my liking that there can be something more than free will as a starting point to life since how can there be anything greater than free will, to do as one pleases. Its spectacular when one looks at what kind of ideas came up to the point of explaining free will not realizing that free will was needed in the first place to explaining. In that point I realized a monstrosity of free will and what it is able to do on the principle of wanting to be more than initial starting point of being free will. How much free will is prepared to sacrifice another free will to experience that more even if it is just for a moment in the mind, thoughts of the free will.

The religious instrument of the belief system is so simple concerning that free will is ready to give into anything in order to express, experience. So forgiveness that to my belief came from the point of forgiving another for an act that one was displeased with in hope of not happening again, or learning something from it was always pointless to me since free will do as it pleases on order to get the experience or explanation for some activity.

I was going into church for the sake of me having my happiness with keeping my mother happy. I went two times into confession room in the church. Tell out my sins to the priest and than getting out only to find out that the things I confessed to the priest were keep repeating and in that knowing the uselessness of the whole thing since if I wanted to stop participating in the habit or an expression that wasn't within the laws, dogmas of the christian church that hadn't got nothing with the priest forgiving me or God or who ever. It was pointless to me to keep walking there, I'd miss out on life that was rolling right before my eyes.

When I first saw this self-forgiveness I saw it as a pathetic attempt to get one to express most inner hidden thoughts, activities, realizations, etc. I saw it as a try to express most dark, evil, unwanted, negative and positive things that one would know of and wanted to show them as what one really is within and without.
I thought but this can be expressed without those few words `I forgive myself to have/haven't accepted and allowed myself´ I mean its such a world already that anyone basically can say whatever one likes to certain extent of how honest one prepares to be in expressing one-self. As a point of have or haven't it came to my attention that, that not remark makes a big difference as in have I saw as an realization of acceptance and haven't as no acceptance and in this what the hell have I got to do with accepting and not accepting something this is like someone giving you a gift and you accept or don't accept, what the hell do I got to do with another free will it was not my decision for another to give me something that I want or don't want.
So if I accept do I please another? If I don't accept do I displease another? What the fuck do I got to do with the feeling of another, its not my choice to make a decision if another feels crap or happy about my decision, is this what I have become? So fucking selfish I don't even want to make another happy by accepting something from another solely from the point that I would make another happy by accepting his gift? Has my sense for another left me completely, was it ever even there why would I act like this? Is everything about free will only evil and selfish and ignorant of what I think or see . How can anyone even like me if free will is only for self interest, is there anything that is good about me, was there ever anything good about me, always twisting meanings, always seek polarity, never ever find balance. I have, but only for a moment. Even when I give something for free and not asking a reward for it there is this thought of karmic entity that somehow somewhere I will get something in return, isn't that selfish?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that my starting point of self-forgiveness was selfish as in I saw a tool of forgiveness as a tool of getting to some more of me as in `now that I will forgive myself I will change myself, be something more that I already am´

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I as free will has made the choice of making a commitment to forgive myself and in that not seeking reasons as its others fault, as in it was churches idea, or people that are around me that told me to do so. It is not, it was my choice, a choice of my free will.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself tot see that when I make a statement `I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself´ it means a realization for accepting and allowing, when in statement `I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself´ means a statement for not accepting and allowing as a choice of my free will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angered by the confusion within my head and thus making it hard to express myself of what I am or have become.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that every choice is based on self-interest as in doing what is best for me as in me being selfish as I want to live as its best for me or even forcefully express lies and within that sabotage myself and others and in this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I victimize myself only because of self interest, because of me not being here as breath but wanting others to see me as a victim of others beliefs as in wanting others to feel bad for me as in I want some present or reward that would made me feel better, be more of me instead of me stopping and than breathing and being here and not further compromising myself just for the sake of feeling something of experiencing something.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that the greatest gift of living of having free will I use to sabotage me and others in the name of getting an energetic expressions of any kind instead of me being here and breathing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that accepting and allowing others to get to me is a gesture of letting another ones free will to express one self and in that I should not seek reasons of why it is such and instead stop thoughts, breathe and be here and let go of the seeing that everything is based on self-interest and instead stop doubt and start trust as in doubt is fear and trust is love.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that every choice is a choice of free will a choice one accepts and allows and in that choice must also accept and allow the responsibility for that choice.

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Ambroz
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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 17 Oct 2012, 21:46

Day 19: Grandma, mom and me

http://ambrozbau.blogspot.com/2012/10/d ... nd-me.html

Can still remember my childhood day walking to school and back everyday. Always minding stuff while walking or just making up some tunes or fantasies, super hero stuff, sometimes I'd get scared about a day ahead because of the bullies, sometimes I had some mate with me and we'd talk and every time I had someone to talk to I noticed how faster time flies, I mean 25 min walk one way used take a lot of time when I was by myself but every time I had some companion with me that walk lasted like 10 minutes by the feel of it.

Anyway every time I got home I went to my grandma house and she always had dinner ready by the time I got there. Most of the time she would greet me nicely and I was all like cheer full and happy. Sometimes when I took time to get to her and I'd get like `where have you been, why did you took so long, the dinner is all late and heated up, don't you know what time it is´ and all that negative stuff like `I was worried about you don't you care about how I feel?´

Well I have to say that grandma is very generous person, almost too generous. At times I'd feel like I am being cared for too much, like I am being spoiled. I know I had an issue of eating a lot because, every time I'd eat, I'd get too much on a platter and than when I couldn't eat it to the end they start judging me as it is not good for me, or eat so that you will be big and strong, sometimes I would tell her that I don't want to eat anymore and she still persisted that I have to eat and she would cook me something else even though I told her no. I realized that she wanted to be pleasing to me but I couldn't talk her out of it even when I said I have enough on my platter she would give me one portion more and than she would said like: "Be happy, in war we were starving and we wished to have a meal and here you are, not wanting to eat." i guess that is why she is a bit overweight. Well no matter the point was that I was getting pissed off about it and still pretended to play nice, I like never expressed myself because I knew that that would be a bad idea since I was dependant on food and the generosity should not be repelled, though exaggeration of it made me pissed. I kept my nerves on cool all the time. Well come to think of it, it was a good rehearsal not to get all wound about something and really got used to all kind of crap that others would tell me of how spoiled I am and that I'll dry to death and stuff like that. It made me angry, but I kind of found the fun part about it, what the hell did they knew about my reasons that I can't eat, I wasn't hungry and didn't wanted to eat it was as simple as that. And when I said I don't want to eat because I'm not hungry or don't feel like eating, they would always come up with different reasons, like the food wasn't good enough or hes so spoiled that he needs an extra dish. Well I know all they wanted is to please me but the exaggeration just annoyed me.

Well same went with my mother, its kind of in the family. She really cares too much in a way too worried I'd do something wrong that would made her look bad as she didn't raised me good enough, but some mothers are just like that more worried how others see them, or being judged by others in a bad way. She was constantly asking me every possible stuff about me. If i did this and that, where were I, what did I do there, giving me instructions about every possible thing. I felt like I got my life force sucked out of me because of all the attention i got from her, I even told her go bug sister about your worries. It was really nerve wrecking to put up with that. And the worst part was that if I answered her she would get even more momentum to ask me stuff sometimes this things could take for a long time. She was so hooked up on asking and talking she would asked me same stuff like twice or three times... Sometimes i had the nerves to put up with her sometimes I would just lost it at the first question like really get pissed of because I would knew the whole procedure of what would follow. Well even though all of the yelling of me being pissed at her for not trusting me, I knew that she is only caring so that I wouldn't do something stupid, well she was worried...

At one time she wanted me to go to the religious class, of coarse i said no I had enough of the school already. Well she persisted and singed me in anyway. I was really pissed and sad at the same time because I saw how my word didn't counted anything and if I wouldn't go there I knew what I was facing at home, so I just went and didn't care what would become of it. Although after that I became a little less fond of my mom but later got better since I saw that frustration only made it worse. Well my behavior towards mom became a kind of forced anger, I'd made myself really pissed at her from no apparent reason as in I would become sensitive towards her in a really nasty way. I'd constantly make jokes about God and constantly trying to dishonor her beliefs and shit like that. Than I realized is all too spiteful and stopped slowly but gradually our relationship got to better but I still get pissed at pointless things that she points out like `watch over yourself´. Well she is right in a way I am a kind of a mess.

Well what I would like to point out is how am I the hell was I able to get to the point of rejecting something just from a point of someone giving something to me. I thought I was getting spoiled by my mom and grandma well father saw it that way anyway and I had a kind of the same view. I start seeing generosity of someone giving me something just for giving, as an excuse for someone feeling good about self because of giving for the sake of giving, as in I would give something to someone just so that I could feel better about myself as in I would pay for some charity and than getting an illusion of me doing something good about the situation without even knowing if that giving did any good, as in if I wanted to do something good for someone I'd have to go there and do it and not rely on somebody else to do it for example go help poor people or anyone. I mean feeling good just because of/for giving is like taking something that ain't mine and than giving it to another, does that gift become of someone else or its still natures? I mean just look at all the useless shit we produce just because it feels good to give it to someone that doesn't need it but still we persist, instead of giving something to someone that needs it. That fucking feeling is allways a decoy.

Maya
Posts: 1270
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:56

Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Maya » 17 Oct 2012, 22:43

Cool Ambrož -
There are multiple points you can take apart and write about as a separate blogs along with Self Forgiveness Statements.
for instance:
Ambroz wrote:sometimes I had some mate with me and we'd talk and every time I had someone to talk to I noticed how faster time flies, I mean 25 min walk one way used take a lot of time when I was by myself but every time I had some companion with me that walk lasted like 10 minutes by the feel of it.


Ambroz wrote:Most of the time she would greet me nicely and I was all like cheer full and happy. Sometimes when I took time to get to her and I'd get like `where have you been, why did you took so long, the dinner is all late and heated up, don't you know what time it is´ and all that negative stuff like `I was worried about you don't you care about how I feel?´


Basically - you can take each paragraph and dissect it.


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