Ambrož's journey to life

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 19 Jul 2017, 20:54

Day 838: I dared to think
I learned two points. One is that there are many different scenarios that can deliver same or similar result. Collision of conspiracy theory at its finest. I was baffled how this individual kept saying i don't listen. He kept telling me about con trails, chem trails and some radioactive trails. And then i wanted to give my boring scientific explanation he got pissed at me how i don't listen, and also i think that had to do something with the belief that i failed to express. This guy made me once so pissed i wanted to turn his head into jelly. And he firmly beliefs that these fumes are spread in the atmosphere for a reason to kill, pardon slowly kill people or maybe change weather or something. After some pondering i think i came to realise that his statement that i don't listen actually meant that i don't believe him. I mean i was there after it thinking that maybe he was telling me something different and that the radioactive shit that is supposed to be intentionally spread is somewhat of a mental blockade to veil info that he actually talked about, which I in such a case have no recollection of. Either way i'm getting pretty desperate with what kind of people i hang out with. Cause no way i'd waste words with someone that would in front of other people have idea that making fun on my account. Yes i'm getting kind of desperate having no one to talk to for real. Maybe it is just a phase.

I have vacation. And i'm all alone. My daydreams just got flushed down the rabbit hole and i've been wondering how much mind-fucking i did trying to please others and me at the same time knowing that intentions were not so much aligned and i don't know if i should blame others or myself. I'd do a bit of both, me for being stupid stupid and others, well you know what they say, believing in god is better than believing in imaginary friends, or friend for that matter.

And so as my mental reality finally got a meltdown, and don't ask me how it is that too much energy added to matter makes it more energy than matter. Like the only think i lately bullshit myself with in my mind how all my "looking for love" relationships turned out to be a selfy-stabber and i don't know why the fuck i still believe that this is something worth going on for, like lets call it the point of life, cause i think that i got double crossed so many times by making myself believe in outcomes that didn't happen it it like DAAA are me stupid. Like why do i even keep some idea alive within me. It is like a dare to hope. Interestingly enough the word looks exactly the same - for hope and courage that is. But at the same time with this reality story there is this astral one i suppose. This is fresh cause my last visit with some esoteric gal explained that to me. And the best part was that i was told that i can freely choose what is me and what not cause supposedly this info dig can be tricky in a sense you can get told information that is not necessarily in anyway connected to you and you believe it and make future decisions on it and you are fucked. Bam! Unless like there is a small chance you get shit lucky and somehow everything ends up well. One of the weird parts was also that information fit pretty sweet with some of the dreams i had before any of this. I mean i don't know if i shared them. I know that i was completely crazy about this girl and she hated me the most i think.

So yes this mental stuff occupies my mind still here and there. And there is a positive and a negative consequence to this. Positive is, i guess that i can't wait to get myself occupied with work and it does free me from an unsorted problem, and within this working is pretty sweet for me, at least now i see how my survival is not such a big problem as it was before i had any. The other day even though i felt like a slave dummy, i got told that my brains are growing slowly and i did say that if i have to be a slave i'm really gonna try and be a good one. This is not about suffering it is more about giving it my all out, like really put effort into work in quantity and quality. The negative consequence is that i really started to act strange towards this individual. It is like all my past demons that i've said i'd not let out are getting out on her. I don't know if i mind her happy expression or her care, but i did told her in one of our arguments that i'd like her more if she was quiet than to speak to me at all. I also asked her why doesn't she ever let me fall. Like if i think as far as i can remember she probably expressed and prevented me doing everything and anything that came up her mind. And it is so fucking annoying. In the past when she and her partner constantly argued over this or that i didn't understand what he meant when he just wanted silence and she would kept on going and going how communication is bad, like we would be playing this game of you have to make me feel good, or being afraid someone is not making someone else feel good and this constant pushing of buttons full of expectations of how another would react. These were not spiteful intents at all, it is just that rage that followed after it, just because of listening to every possible shit that came up people's mind, as if that is enough of a reason to start the care charge. Anyway i devolved in a sense that i can't talk normally to this individual anymore. Actually i'm more and more convinced i'll just move myself out from this hell of a golden cage. It is just energy and the bills that are cheaper i think if we live together in sharing of energy. I don't know i constantly keep changing my mind over do or don't. Not doing anything about it really.

I had so many points i wanted to share and i don't know them anymore. I also deleted a post before this one cause of being too energetic within it.

Anyway the point in this second was me deliberately wanting to change the mood of other people cause I didn't like the way they were expressing themselves. I don't care if they had a energy high, it was like all i cared about is to make them feel like i do. I feel like i'm forcing myself to live. It is not really life it is constant mental bullshitting myself. In fact i haven't changed one bit. That "never again" never stood for me. I do get good times, but only when i don't think of this "magic" stuff towards which i admit i in the past felt "attracted" towards thinking it is something more to this "all-logical" world where everything is instantly explained and put into frames of theory. It was not really an attraction it was just that high like there is something more to it. Well it definitely is, but it only brought misery to a life already full of it. It is only on a mental level. Practically i'm rolling on a high.
It is like the real life problems are not enough, here have some of the past life shit, and here there is a curse on your family that will take on a few more generations. If you wonder what the curse is, it is simply a wish from one past family member that prevents the "love, partner, marriage relationship or anything similar from having a normal communication". And it suppose to last for a few more generations. And best part is that i can choose to believe it or not, cause as i understood it, it is not necessarily correct info. For am moment it sounds the same as that "we thought things go this way, since now" or as the portal put it. It is like buying into info that you better not trust. Cause you know that there just might be something new that will override the old. And what then? Is this intentional, is it for real at all. What is the point if it is better to not know a lie than to believe in something that is supposedly true, when after a while of experience you find out nothing is really what it seems to be.

All in all it am still amazed how much info i consume and remain somewhat focused on what has nothing to do with it, yet i treat it as a must hear, even if i don't like there is a thought that i better do but i wonder if it would be better to not hear something at all than to let it take me on a ride. All in all i do have less reactions simply because of stop listening to some stuff, ok most of it. Like best i could do is to simply not participate in it. I found it better than to rage over what someone said cause it didn't have any kind of background. Yea i know it sucks that some info heard by people like me with no background to make sense out of specific stuff. So it is not about knowledge, it is impossible to put it in practise cause it is so "let me know, kind of stuff". Like all i manage to do with it is brag about what i "know" when even i don't know what the hell i can get out of information of how little i am aware. Like if i were with some friend i could say it and then be amazed in wonder of a reaction towards it, or expressing myself what that means to me cause it does mean jack, zip nada, nothing. It is like saying in the beginning there was nothing, and then came everything right after that moment. It is like, wait are you saying that you can makes something out of nothing. Cause please tell me how is that possible. I mean even the "great" Freemasons want to find that spark that caused it. As i kid i thought about possibly there being everything forever more and since ever and that the only thing that is actually happening is putting some order into place and then through time it comes to more of a disorder like the conflict of orders make chaos and everything blips into chaos and then again order and it just keeps repeating "roughly" speaking though each time different, a new experience and new something to get some kind of a high or a low out of it, depending of what we do to the existence we live in.

Another thing i figured is that i should not be against something others have that i want for myself. Cause it is like so egotistical to think of something that would make me jolly and others that would have it don't get my approval.

So it is in a way a hell hole, but only if you fall for the oldest trick out there.

Honestly speaking i don't know what to write about i just mix my jam, or to put it better all i think i'm able to do or speak is what i think about, or maybe even experience, and beyond that filling words in is only cause i'm gonna take a bit of a break from all of it. I'm fed up with writing for nothing but to getting myself straight with me only to drop back into same shitty sauce of never ending worry and "care" for my ego how i don't have this or that, like there is something after the high that comes and goes, even if that which i dreamt too much about would come to actually be real.

For me if one wants to experience something one has to make something happen. Like you actually have to create something to then feel something towards it, be it bad or good, depending on the expectations or maybe chemistry of individuals, maybe both. probably that and more than that that is involved in a make up of the situation.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 03 Aug 2017, 12:03

Day 839: Unsorted agony
I've been bit lazy to tell the truth. I could have written my blog regularly, i just didn't want to. Of course i thought here and there what i should write about, like right there and then, but vacation is a vacation.

So im gonna go on from where i stopped last time. Particularly my emotional problems. It is gonna be a boring post, or my self honesty still hasn't contact me, pardon...the other way around. I wasted most of my time to take that cake of misery i made for me and eat it. I did question myself how much this emotional state affects others as well. And then i worried that i made others feel miserably just because i couldn't get over myself. I had enough time to finally get it what was my root cause for my dimensional switching. I don't know what this means for you, but for me it doesn't mean that i jump into different realities, rather different, usually opposite energetic body. To make that clear, energetic body is simply a state of reaction where one is full of energy for instance energy of happiness. To make another thing clear i needed like a few years before i figured out what the hell this vocabulary meant. To put it mildly i thought that people were jumping realities...just portal themselves from one world into another, and the rest of the population wondered vigorously how some have "special" abilities and others kind of missed the point in life. I mean i get it now how understanding of words influences understanding of world. It is not like there are different natural foundation laws for different people like some don't need to eat to live at all, and the rest of us can go **** ourselves cause we need to kill other life in order to extend our own. Real highlanders we are.

Anyway to go back to the topic of my emotional drama and negatively charged body. I got lucky few days ago. A person i know started to do this readings on peoples past. I think it was for the sake of being interested in existence of such things, and to live of of it. Then i told her about some other guy that did make quite a fortune with these bio-energetic/esoteric things. At least he told me that bio-energy is just another name for fancy magical esoteric community. Anyway she wanted to prompt me to set her up with him to converse about it, and one day i found him at the bar, thinking i'll set her up, but i didn't have my phone with me so what was left to do was to talk about it. He said he wants to contact her cause he is worried about whatever she does is a scam. The way he put it there are lots of charlatans out there. And this was a clue for me and my miserable state of being.

Cause of this one point of "is it real?", i'd have constant trust issues within me. For instance when i first started to converse with some individual that i found fancy, i'd besides that had a calamity within me cause i'd not believe in these magical things. Like i'd believe that there are beings with "knowledge" and a bit more influence to "control" state of reality, but i'd never believe that there is something magical without some reasonable constructs behind it that would explain workings of whatever mind is bothering to figure out. I mean it is like observing how something is happening but not having any idea nor capacity to create an idea why it is that way. In fact i now feel like all the ideas with which i "explained" my here and now are more of a loose rouse, and thus i feel like they are a lie. It did bring some kind of piece and peace of mind but things got jammed whenever an idea that i'd just made up seemed to mach the state of things, when it really didn't. It is like that yearning for wanting to know more and more as if knowledge would give some sort of power, or in another way of seeing it you don't know inner peace until you are certain things are the way you think they are. I other words you believe in correct things, cause we all know what happens to us if we don't. One way of putting it is to thrust and iron pole into the ground. If you'd use enough power it will stay upright, and if not it will fall on the ground. If you use to much you wasting power. So that balance of what is and what is not, when enough and when too much, is pretty much what autopilots me. I just work on my autopilot and then let it carry me.

This topic of not being sure in something while at the same time hoping that it is true is quite dazzling. I mean such aspects don't fit together at all. For me it was like throwing myself after this individual and think the world of them while at the same time i'd not believe in them. I mean these jumps from thinking one thing and then another, and then back to the first one, does make me look like two-faced hypocrite, it was just that i knew that no matter what i'd believe in would make me blind if i'd not have "evidence" or the facts. And i think this is the most amazing thing cause to this day i'd not find one cure, but to simply make a decision, stand for it and let the time give you the response that is needed to see if the things that are believed in are true or not.

What is eating me inside out is the realisation that cause i didn't sort this thing out, i actually caused things that i didn't want them to happen to me. So i too became what i didn't want to. But then it is not like i knew what the correct steps were. All i managed to come up with was a pathetic sorry and then recollect my sorry ass in my room. I didn't want to talk about it cause it made me feel miserable, cause i knew that ever-facing presence of uncertainty, and as if relativity is more simple than it looks, it is quite a feat to make up something that would "explain" the situation, and then believe that accompanying hype, until nature again makes a show how the point has just again been missed.

I mean for all i know i can make myself believe that substance is alive, like some sort of god. Like you are a GOD but because god is not on your side you can go whistle yourself. I mean isn't it similar how books describe this event of being kicked out of god's paradise and then what is left to be done is to get back home. And when you look at this ideas how atoms are structured on subatomic in a time's moment (and i've seen a few models) all have this core and the usual difference is what kind of path these surrounding kicked out of the core particles are having. Why is it that mass tends to be pulled together and energy wants to be pulled apart evenly across all boundary. It is like core is a god that kicks out a piece of itself that gets separated from it and then that little part of it wants to go back home to its core. Right now i could go "is this what the holy books have been trying to explain". No it is not really the point. Point that i wanted to describe is that no matter what i make up, it then takes a decision to follow up on something, cause in my case i'd jump these "choices" not really trusting any of them, yet i knew i had to pick something otherwise i'll just remain this confused being. I don't know why it is better to walk the wrong road, than to not walk at all. That fear can literally immobilise you despite having the ability to move. I mean sometimes it is best to be still, i guess that is why that "stop" got such a good commercial. Cause believe it or not it is a change and respectively to that other things react differently towards it, than the usual series that would happen if stop wouldn't happen.

I think it is weird how i had this definition of "ego" within me and how i'd try to not be an egoist, while some things, especially regarding being fulfilled do cross paths with it and just because they can be seen as egoistical, just cause they feel good, it is seen as some kind of sin, and then i'd imagine that a decision to not wanna be an egoist, consequently screw up potentials that are completely possible. It is one of those things i wanna beat the shit out of myself cause of it. But then it is pointless also cause it is the same for any other thing i don't know. I mean if that means so much to me, just because i want to sort it out to get that certainty, why do i complicate it so. It is not like gravity has any good explanation, yet i know that it kills you if you fail on it. It is like knowing how it works, but why...that is a mystery. I bet some know, but if they would tell me, i'd probably not believe it. It is a fail safe mechanism that protects you from being mentally screwed, yet this same thing can ruin so many good things.

In other words i'm still getting over, or letting go of a few "ideas", and all this time i feel like i actually rather tried working on making them work instead of letting them go. Oh my God, now i understand all those people that got mused into action, and i thought i wanted to show my "strength" how that ain't gonna happen to me, and that is exactly what happened. But i mean why would i do this, this is egoistical, and it is against my "principles" of what i wanna be like. It is like that belief i created how one can be double crossed, and having this idea of being scammed in the back of mind, and such foundations don't bare faith well. I even push myself down on imagination level to "punish" myself for being like that. I mean i could be like that with all things and all i'd do i conflict. I say screw accidentally not believing the truth, i rather believe a lie, than to constantly not believe in anything. So what i screw up, hopefully i'll learn something from it and if not, better luck next time, and so and so on... I did wonder how some creatures look so beautiful, yet my reactions towards their behaviour was totally screwed up. The way i compensated that image was that i'm probably not entirely aware, or maybe i'm evil to think that anyone is. I mean one idea was that since there are so many beings that exist, it is normal that interests would clash and no matter how long one constantly lets others have what they want it can here and there turn around and the humble start to fulfil their cravings. Usually it happens when it is too obvious to some that things are not exactly equal and the other half that are completely blind to such an aspect. It is more a concept of imagination what who deserves. There is no thin borderline to this, and i know some are willing to tolerate allot while others not so much. I think this is a really delicate thing especially in relationships.

Balance is hard to find, it is easy to get lost in some intent. I mean this blew my mind a bit. Inflation occurred when i was told about my past and i couldn't help but to compare it to some of the dreams i had as a kid. I was dreaming something then this woman came to and i knew her, it was like we were together, and she would said something to me that would make me feel tense inside. The way i imagined it then, it was like she was the wrongdoer as if the trust between us silently died in that moment, or at least on my side, cause no matter how much i'd try to deny that feeling or thought i knew i created it, and it was too late in a sense from taking it further down the fall. What i was told that i was in the past was that i was constantly telling her what to do, thus i'd look like the superior one, and that could explain that this blind mode of constantly instigating control might have caused the turnaround. I mean maybe i didn't know it by the that things turn around constantly, but if i did it was probably deliberate, for instance trying to see how far can one go with constantly dictating others. I mean it is like only a matter of time when one has to humble a bit no matter how far up they are on the success ladder to make imagined fate happen. Creating wishes is easy, creating what you wish can be life-wrecking. And considering how life needs life's substance this superior inferior relationship is more of made up thing than what is really going on. But i can't play this dog eat dog game with everything.

For me, the sum of all info looks like completely contradicting. I know i can't believe every piece i made up, and i know i can't believe everything i've heard. I thought that maybe it is that stubbornness to want to contradict something just to make a fuss about something. It is as simple as a decision to not heed the word of another, just because i'd want to look like i made that decision to look smarter or that i know more. I think that is the reason why i had this predisposed image about the magical things. But now i got older and a bit more stupid i realised that no matter the profession one can be a good or a bad doer. I mean they were all happy about building A-bomb then it caused that terrific terror cause it was a blast. And i personally "hated" esoteric cause supposedly it was taken as something more, just cause some have access to it and others don't. I don't know if this topic was already defined or in process of discovery mistakes were bound to be made and some of those mistakes i experienced as really unpleasant. I don't know why i took the most of the thing as a lie, or too good to be true, but the only thing that i found myself smarter for is this concept of consequence.

What i don't get is how this afterlife world claiming to be turned anything you can dream of basically unlimited potential what you can create within it (don't mind the thought that it all ends when you die, this is a topic about it just keeps on going despite death), and thus one wonders if anything of it is real even, cause it is just made up, and one more thing regarding memory. Cause if this physical reality is connected to that psychical one than the psychical one must experience the concept of "not being able to go back". So the "afterlife" doesn't solve anything rather to just give you the experience that it is also part of reality, no matter how there is no actual integrity to it, other that it being there too...constantly.

Just one more thing. Maybe physical is alive as awareness. If puzzle of it is pieced up together correctly it can do wonders, but it always joins into one awareness of the physical body. I mean if a physical house leaves an energetic imprint on the afterlife dimension than no matter the physical form there is a memory to it once existing and if parts put together create an experience the awareness of it is nothing but point of it existing no matter who it is. It the memory that gives a self image to awareness so it experiences itself as that self. For instance I am only defined by what consequence i created for myself. Memories i became aware through different channels and even substance itself. So being as some entity is just a part of that same source that got separated and it doesn't really matter which being it is, because no matter the being it was the knowledge that defined it. Like the only way for a being to be individual is if it had sort of a luggage, which i now believe was the sole purpose of a soul. (This is what i also feared in the past that a fabricated experience was given to me either by me or someone else, now i just don't care about it anymore, since it is all so complicated for me, i don't know how to make sense of it). But then this is also dangerous cause you can then take a being put it into consequence of someone else just cause it seemed fit to make that being see what it did to another, but (there is always a but) that would only work if a being would allow it, and the big question about who being is because maybe being itself also carries info that is also defining who being is, like a piece of info that you know was with you from since ever. And i think this clashes within me. When you have something to believe in and even if it is a lie you take it as truth, and i don't know if it is possible to not be possible to let it go, no matter how much bad it causes. All i know is that lying to oneself outweighs the trashy experience if someone else lies to you, simply because if this mind can't be stopped completely, talking within it will always occur and by definition there is then more mind chatter than real one. I mean if you look at talking loud it is exhausting after a time, it is impossible to talk all the time. I guess this may mean it is impossible to mind all the time also, but at least in my case i think i constantly think. And even though i usually don't remember what the hell i was participating in my mind 5 minutes ago, some points stick for a later munching. So if physical is holding on to memories for us, then in a way who am i as a stripped down "presence of awareness" may not have anything to do with who i am currently, and i'm just living up to some memory database that wants to be considered despite it being so full of it. Basically i'm kind of scared of my consequence if i ignore my pieces of the puzzle that are there but seem to not fit together at all. I mean in a way they perfectly fit together, but it is just too good to be true.

Once i thought there was a start to this. But then i started doubting that because of one simple (not entirely trustworthy) answer. And that was the doubt in end of it. I mean the way i imagined if there is one being with ability to create anything, and it then separates, cause it couldn't/wouldn't want to hold it together, the only way to revert the consequence it to end it the way it started, but then if there know to everything and there is this desire that maybe we don't know it all because we want to see if there is more to it, to experience it, sort of feel it i guess, the the obvious question was that everything would just get repeated the same way no matter how many times it would start all over again. I mean that is what i was once told, that this is what already happened. I don't know if it was a joke, but I ain't fucking reliving it all again, especially now that i was told that my past lives were not so pleasant, hell not even this one. It is kind of silly to think that all i'd constantly work on is to enjoy the consequence and still there are hard turns to live through. Yes i did also think that maybe i wanted it to go this way in some unconscious mode. But then seeing what a lottery sometimes happens i doubt it was intended to go this way. I mean why would intentionally work on a future where one would torture oneself? Isn't it easy enough to make a wrong move and then live with it? Sure I learn, I think that i just need more time to get certain things regarding relationships. Plus i think that if i got my egoistical problem sorted there would probably new ones on the surprise list to dance with.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 10 Aug 2017, 23:07

Day 840: I don't now effect
Physical consequence has been good to me. I imagined far worse when i tried to consider everything i did or simply wrote to others and made another feel something unpleasant. I found it interesting how i always inclined to make good relationships with people i felt attracted to and how sharing my opinion played a bigger part in this, despite knowing that most of the time people would not agree with me, especially about topics that revolved around sharing my personal beliefs. When i'd talk about plain common knowledge stuff it was just not as conflicting as the rest of my "fathoms".

So what happened in recent few days was that i was again asked when i'll find myself a girlfriend. I was asked this by one friend that already had an array of them and some other guy that is in a different relationship with me and he ordered me to not speak about him in a more threatening manner, oops i already said too much. First of all it is my choice when i'll feel like i want a girlfriend. I all ready had a crush on this individual, that i openly hit on, with no success whatsoever. Despite knowing that her "we need to see who you are" meant "i probably am not who you look for", and i said hell i lost so many words and rhymes over it trying to get under her skin, it may as well mean i have chance so i kept pushing the keys thinking this writing will keep me liked to for me a decade old subject. And so it happened today that this topic of relationships touched the topic of money specifically my job. There is this atmosphere where i sense an expectation that i'm gonna be sticking with this job for life, which means that there won't be any year that i'd get to go on a trip to the other side of the planet. At least in the past i was told like this is an anchored prepared life path, but job i'm in now that would be similar as falling asleep and i can't afford that. It is simply because if i keep believing that others will believe i'm not a worthwhile investment so it is a no go for me.

Further on with regards to relationships i am deeply sorry i made myself explain in such a manner as if there is some destiny that i'm making happen. I attached this whole thing to dreams of the childhood cause i thought there is some connection with reality. I'll just say that there were moments where i really thought that i should keep up a relationship with this individual, no matter how it would look to me like nothing is gonna happen. So now after so many years i really had enough of this, me looking like an ass kisser (which i probably failed at also). Thing is that if any hit of doubt exists within me, i know i'll fail to hide it. Then i know i'm a terrible liar, and i can see how other people can see through me, so i do prefer the truth no matter how compromising it is to me. Plus there is this thesis, synthesis, antithesis procedure which makes everything utterly complicated, cause no matter what i'd state it would seem like a lie to me. And i just learned another thing about dreams that dreaming about sex within them is actually pretty common, and i wished i'd knew this sooner cause i made such a big deal about it within my head i really thought it meant something.

I'm still gonna respect Bernard's points of commitment, right before he decided to end his life. I kind of like them cause for a change i'll no longer worry what kind of approach i should use when engaging the idea of creating a relationship. All in all i feel like i'm gonna stick around, cause i do feel like i owe it to some people that pushed me to be the way i am, and if anyone has anything against me being present just tell me so and i'll no problem again disappear and this time for good.
I apologise if for making anyone believe anything that is not real. I was just sharing my dreamt up story cause i thought it had meaning, and while i know that some holes were plainly speaking made up to make my puzzle look like something with sense, i was always kind of aware it was full of lies in either of ways. I mean i was so deep down into this i once thought that this "self forgiveness" was made op through a communication. I mean even Bernard said it was so that he learned it from another being, and i don't know if it was a lie to catch other liars on it or not, but what i genuinely believed in was that through these conversations with other beings i experienced i my half a sleep state, was that it was a genuine conclusion to a state with no God to forgive you, nor the one that would be harmed by you and you'd seek forgiveness from so the only possible source of forgiveness towards what you've done is you, speaking ironically, but only cause it is so hard to swallow that lump of pride that gets stuck in the throat.

Anyway i consider myself pretty deluded when it comes to "esoteric" stuff. I guess that is why machines ring much more sense to me, than people speaking their mind, me speaking my own for that matter.

I'm done living like there is no end to what believe in is a total lie. There is also this effect i noticed where a false idea spreads like a disease. And it gets two kinds of opinions one is completely believing it, and another is completely deluded. For instance religious characters are like that or political leaders with their "what i'll do lists". And it is interesting for me how following such ideas creates a similar effect as that monkey experiment where ones that knew what is gonna happen beat the ones that didn't and were in a process of making it stopped by other monkeys before they even tried.

As it comes to facing fears this is my attempt. I don't care how it will further ruin my image in the heads of others (like it matters) and due to now being near 100% sure i'm not gonna go to the other side of the planet to see my friends in Africa, i would just like to say that there is this option that they can come visit me, but i doubt that will happen since, i mean i know where i belong and nothing of a such is gonna happen. I'm just saying.

For now i'll work on my reaction whenever someone pokes me of when i'll find myself a girlfriend cause it is getting pretty annoying. It is like now that i have money it is the next sensible step and i'm really sensitive about it, especially because my relationship with relationship creation is calamity after calamity. I'm really sick of how each "instruction" i follow seems to not have any effect. It is like i have this natural aura that makes people being afraid of me. Ok i'm wrong there was one girl in high school that constantly send me secret messages but had fear facing me or something kept her physically away from me. And another one not so long ago, but i did the same trick on her that i learned from this other girl that made it on me, to hook me up on this thing because of which I'm constantly writing about and at the same time fail to allow myself to be attracted to any other girl, but that one i was speaking of before was not only a victim of my deluded attraction towards another girl but also she was not very attracted to me, i mean she looks fine it is just her attitude towards other people that made a really bad impression on me, and i just thought i'd probably end up a victim of that same things.

As for the girl that i allowed to suck all my nerves out of me, and I already gave up on her, i mean she still has a chance but i'm more more open up for other relationship opportunities so time is ticking even for me, well i hope her partner has better luck than the rest of us guys that threw ourselves at that glass house of hers. I only wish him well cause i know i'd wish myself the same, I mean it is weird to wish something for me but not for another, that is not equality, and i'm speaking of experience not individuals. Of course if i'd have a partner that would love me and some other guy would also be in love with her, that i'd not then send her to another guy just because i'd fear that if i'd not wish him same love, i'd not then be worthy of her. I already feel sick i even thought of it, but it is too late again.

I'm so not proud of me and what i've done in the past. All these jests are like a drug that make me forget about the wounds. I know it is partially my fault cause i learned some of the sick jokes and then play with them. If i made any of them up and consciousness of other people soaked em up i am sorry too, but it is not like i know how to stop myself before it is too late. I always wondered that once harm is done if it is possible to not spread it. This is interesting cause then my mind is pretty resourceful with creation of such ideas especially when i get fed by them thought dreaming about it. I mean even if i make it up during daytime and i consciously decide to not ever indulge in that idea i think it is too late and sooner or later it will spontaneously came out of me, so i'm really really sorry cause i don't know how to stop the mind. Best i can is stop writing. I learned that some people don't dream at all. I envy them. It is like a hell that i'm in when i go to sleep.

Just most recent one involved time and it was a really weird sensation cause in it everything would stop and i'd still have that awareness of how i'm in short need to wake up cause i had to work. It is like creating that illusion of there is no need to rush and at the same time awareness of lying pleasantly to oneself would crack at it.

Honestly speaking i don't know what the hell is going on with me. I know that somehow reality is more important than what i dream about no matter how i got told that dreams are actually "important" no matter how there is no consequence in them despite being told that dreams or "astrals" or maybe even "dimensions" are connected to reality and since reality is nothing but constant everevolving consequence i can't fathom how this afterlife environment isn't cause this is what my research led me to believe. I of course may be wrong but i so wish for every human being to once experience that hot/cold burning head thingy and then ask them how their mind is melting on themselves. I think that is one of the reasons I got partially nuts. It sort of made me realise how little control i have over things i experience inside of me. But despite being told how "special" i am in missing out opportunities cause one fortuneteller told me third eye opened up on me and i accidentally just by chance at the same time experienced a nervous breakdown from which it took me a few years of fear cause i didn't know what kind of (pardon for speaking my mind) shit i mixed myself in, but i did think that maybe afterlife gave me a sign to stop fucking around, or maybe aliens did, even that some authority figures from earth indulge in letting me see that i should really start being careful when messing around over who has "power" over this place. I'm quite happy that till now not one being seemed to take responsibility for it. Either they called it energy or opening of the third eye, or laughed at my face cause supposedly to them i thought i am being special, but all in all i'm mostly happy because now i at least don't feel fear, rather how deluded and docile i became towards some things in reality. It is extraordinary indeed if it were only not some negative emotion constantly being created within me and this only due to processing information. It is also weird how it is all connected with certain memories. It is like calling for unsorted info and then with relation how it honed my fate i'd feel a jolt to it. I make myself believe that everything will be ok and i feel fine after it. I for instance remember how stupid i behaved when i had a perfectly looking girl in front of me and just because i got told to not speak to her i ignored her, cause i thought that if i did speak to her i'd loose her in a long run. And then because of a good thing lost i'd feel like shit to even think that i had any chance with her, especially now, cause she has a partner i feel like a dick to even think to talk to her. It is like i'd not want someone else to do that to my girlfriend if i had her. Come to think to it, one guy once tried to kill me cause he thought i hit on his girlfriend, while all the while i thought i was talking to some other woman. Yes he even got to my home, but some friend of moms drew him away if he is crazy, but only cause he asked if someone lives here that works in Zanzibar (the restaurant i drove picas for was called Zanzibar). And she thought that guy was nuts cause she didn't know that was referring to the grill-bar not the country at some other side of the planet lol. And one of the few good memories that would field me on the positive side is how i heard that maybe this individual will get to like me once she would get to know me, or at least i think she meant it for me. I mean it could be anyone she was relaying that message for, maybe only to attract, especially made for individuals like me, cause supposedly was already in eternal relationship, and pricks like me needed a lesson to stop thinking how whole world revolves around them. Of course there are different ways to look at the gesture, but who am i to imagine all possible intents that would result in same behaviour to make them true.

I'm just cleaning out my closet, cause i'm running out of options of how to treat my inner rage of what kind of mess i got myself into. It is more or less an emotional trauma. I really wanna blame other people cause they "told me so". After all it is my own mistake to believe them they are right, or maybe they were i just failed to use the intent in correct context. It is sad that i failed in so many opportune moments, like it just isn't meant to be, or maybe there is something inherently wrong with me, or i don't dare say it but women and entirely different species than men. I mean there is woman intuition and all sorts of other stuff that men lack, but they are nothing without men in a long run cause of this thing that is called reproduction. I'm gonna ruin my image a bit, then again i should stop looking after women, or as the context of caring for something that can care for oneself, even if they got treated like less throughout history. I started to wonder if that is their own fail, but what just happened opened my mind a bit. Each time i pass this woman, that is in some relation to me, she said i must do something. I started to joke around how i'm her personal slave and all that and then her husband got pissed and told me that i should really be quiet and that it is not normal that i'm like that. I said "what!? if all she is competent of doing is issuing orders, of course i'm gonna become nuts" and then she interrupted me how all she wants is to be happy, and jumped in "and not happy at all". She said be quiet and then i pointed her out for her husband to see what i mean cause she was doing it again. It is like this subconscious thing that she is obsessed with controlling everything. I mean it is not bad that here and there you create and imperative sentence, but doing it all the time is like process of creating just another war-zone where one ends up fighting for control, not really knowing all is needed is to ease up a bit. Amazingly she got the picture and she was actually silent for the rest of the meal. I mean i personally prefer if eternity is really what we are dealing with to stay silent not really influencing the thing unless i am like really certain that something is not entirely right or have some sort of a solution in mind. I guess that is a part of a reason why i ended up looking like i do cause i thought i know better but others know the best, and yet i'm still not willing to accept the terms, despite being sold with such success.

For all i know it is either i'm deluded and super stupid cause i don't know how to admit to myself others are right or the other way around, all i know is how "the feels" still dictate some aspects of my decision making process and i can't get around them. It is like i fail at rehearsals. For instance i was afraid of flying a plane, but once i got the opportunity to and had some time with rudder in my hands it was pretty fun. I don't have licence for it it is just that i had an opportunity to drive around in it for a couple of hours. And fear passed. When i for instance think of falling for some girl again, i get the chills like the first time around cause i knew i'm gonna break my heart on something that was already in a relationship despite looking like she was actually hitting on me. I mean this one simple relationship status on face book caused me havoc. Especially if intent was such to cause that. It was weird, and yet i created this illusion of a story that would mildly explain the situation, i recently heard a more fucked up reason that such things make you stronger if they don't kill you, but i thought this practise makes perfect like situation is meant for more meaningful things than fucking with minds of others. I had to say it. The only reason that i'd understand is that if someone would already did that to her and so the thing spread on, or maybe it was a suitable protection for overpowering attraction, cause i mean if you are attractive it doesn't attract loving things only, it attracts all sort of other malignant things, and lately i started to look at myself as one of those things so it is pretty clear why i dropped out from writing a bit. I mean it is freeing for me but also too much makes me look like one of those religious fanatics that do crazy stuff cause of one attractive stuff, no matter how many other repelling points there are.

I mean i imagined same thing here. Oh look we can talk to the "Ancient Gods" or so they claim, on the other side there is this forgiveness that for me just doesn't do the trick, i didn't joke around when i said how it helps and wen't on with doing it. I don't know if I was sarcastic or cynical. Yes i did thought that others will buy it if i did it and was then let close enough to see my crush for real and check on all the other delusions how they do. Lately i think the catch is to spread something and look how people dig it and then filter out people through that but i don't really know for sure what is the intent. I do remember B saying how i'm part of something that is making a fool out of themselves. It is strange how "female fatal" or at least some have the power to make one completely blind. I mean i was if not entirely but i do still regret i didn't succeed in my intent. It is like i'd have something about me that would "attract" others and then to filter out competent and incompetent people i'd make a logical lie, one that would legitimately do, but practically not really. Suffice to say morally acceptable but totally pointless. Then all the people buying the lie would look like incompetent and all the people not buying it completely sane acceptable in the real terms. It is really simple. Though it has a bigger point that it would be the other way around, well depending on intent. I don't really know i tested some things i found that they don't work on me, others were absolutely astonished. Who am i to say how stuff works. I guess i explore these thing precisely cause i don't know, i mean i'd not waste time with it then.

It is interesting how in Slovene stupid means, if you dissect the word it means: one that doesn't use ones mind, which is interesting cause i heard a theory that mind was created precisely because it was suppose to play tricks on people, than again some people are so against over-analysis, while others make fortunes precisely because they do this, cause they calculate every number and plan with real success, i mean there is that thin line to where it has purpose, but some math if these beings says it is true, i quite believe it is possible that this life was literally calculated out before it even happened it was more of not being avoidable than a scenario of "what if's", and all got ruled by a simple feeling of being pleased with what was created. I mean can you imagine yourself doing something that would in the end for sure leave you felling miserable? Yet it is said one becomes like a moth that gets burned by the flame of the light, well not if you question your action first. I i'm starting to feel sorry for all the doubts, but that is only because of questioning the good. It is like someone makes something good to you and then questioning it ruins it, ruins you, it is like good to doubt things, but on the other hand ruins the ones that are actually good, perhaps even best. And not knowing it is a good excuse but it still don't fix anything. This is how i in advance ruined my relationship with some people, simply because i doubted them.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 18 Aug 2017, 20:56

Day 841:Digging through known
I find it interesting how something that would attract me finds itself pointing out one thing for me. I admit i had pretty nasty thoughts in my head towards things that i fail to create, but all in all it is pointless to have them. One of the obvious reasons is that thing that would attract and then sort of push me away would probably attract me some more if i would be in harmony with it, cause as long as there are at least a few points that i'd not like about the point that would attract me, there would be reaction of me pushing away those points that are a part of a bigger point and so the bigger point even if the larger part of them would be pulling me i'd still push bigger point away simply because those smaller points are a part of a bigger one that i'd push away, so in a sense it would be pointless for me to believe any closer more intimate thing would happen if i'd not have sorted myself about those little points beforehand. This is my "relationship" problem with things and mostly people. I don't mean to explain them like objects, but points i was referring to are more of an abstract nature than any shape or substantial form. I mean they do cause substantial differences but i'm more interested in the change of root causes than consequences that they cause.

So yes it was a honest sorry from my side cause i failed to start liking something that initially had a dislike about it. I mean i know most of judgement system is imagination based, which means i just failed to tame my ego properly, even though i did succeed liking a initial dislike. But some points are really tough to breakthrough and i don't know how i'll manage to fix them unless they change on the other side, and we all know how conditioning one's will through the will of another only causes more conflict. And please don't think i'm some sort of a special perfect person. Far from it, and i imagine that you don't but unsolved problem is probably such that only needs time to be forgotten, maybe it will fix itself or simply stop being looked at as that from my side. I mean i can recall many things in life that i'd have dislike about them but eventually got to like them, for no other reason that i'd see myself as stupid if i wouldn't. And the other way around too of course. But it all only has to do with ego and what satisfies it and what not. Who could blame me we are all alike in that, or just maybe i'm lying to myself again, and you for that matter if you believe me.

I gave myself a homework that i should put myself into a good mood through remembering something positive. First of i'm gonna make this suggestion a bit sour simply because i thought the initial thing to do is to stop all energy activity and that that is the point of process. As if that wasn't impossible enough, and i did see myself as a fail just because i couldn't manage to do that. It is like now suddenly it is good to have those reactions especially positive ones to keep my spirit up, or prevent me from doing something to another that would supposedly make another feel the way they caused me through "button" pushing process. And it has that awful smell of manipulation where one wants to make another feel a certain way, while it is otherwise for me a partially natural process and forcing someone to feel a certain way only makes things worse, especially if beforehand they bushed a certain points that don't make you feel that way. Actually it is allot like those bad commercials that want you to get to buy something otherwise your life gets screwed. And yes you don't need such a product. If the freaking middle ages lived through without internet and telly so can probably we, in our modern time where things spin mostly around information networks. And it is hard to remember something something good in from the past especially if you know that the good sensation was only one step towards the misery that one wants to get rid of. So never the less, my best memory in the past was when someone added me as a friend. I know i manipulated a bit to "force" that happen, but so were i, and considering that i started from a really bad intent i was quite happy to experience such a result. I really thought i'd manage to create something out of it. I made Facebook account only cause of that and i'm not such a social fan. Not that i don't like people, it is just me being a little more weird and secluded guy, doing my own thing, not really caring what others do. I mean i may have given that picture, just to show that i can "care", but i think it is a waste of energy to constantly stick my nose into other peoples busyness. If it physically touches me, i may intervene if i am able to imagine that my actions would bare any fruit. But i'd otherwise get agitated if someone would tell me what to do so that is one of the main reasons why i don't tell others what to do, despite i did it so a couple of times, and the thing i learned is that you can't force another, without creating conflict and i don't like conflict, especially because such instances really require that relentless, brutal, in a way reckless fanatical behaviour. But i've never saw a tree just ripping a rock apart with its roots. You have to let the water drain in and then once that freezes it will rip it apart. Then the root can make its way through it. So yes it takes time and unpredictable circumstances to change things, like some sort of a "divine" help no matter how dumb-down the process is. But only cause it is really simple once you figure out what really happened.

I personally had a really conflicting approach towards whole esoteric thing, i don't know why but probably cause i didn't know anything about it, i mean i imagined i knew, but one of the points was also if i'm really believing a genuine stuff or i'm getting fooled again. I had no associating clues but my own experience that made me feel connected, but still i'd doubt myself especially cause i knew that that fantastic dreamt up story i completely shamed myself with was full of personal speculations, like maybe because i'm a nobody and i wanted to make myself look like somebody special i'd somehow through help of successfully lying to myself create myself into that. Of course i failed especially when feeling that for everything to make sense i had to just make up things in order to make them seem plausible, or the way i thought i wanted them to be seen by me. So it is like not only believing where another is wrong but also me, even if that may not be so, but that doubt no matter how compromising it is, still looks better than blind faith. So looking at something that happened, and then making up what caused it is a tricky thing especially in a case where different intents cause similar results if not exactly the same.

I played this game. It already has it's fan cult and you play a woman hero with ability to go back in time. And no matter what you do in that game you keep facing the same fate. In the end you are faced with basically either saving a friend that would be dead so many times if it were not for your ability, or saving everyone else that is facing the consequences of usage of the time travelling ability. It is a really emotionally defining story. I had a emotional moral hungover for about two days. And even though it is fictional it is like one of those scenarios where you are like a GOD but god is not on your side so .... tough luck.

I want to make another yell into the wild. I have a problem of leveling one little sheet of titanium peace of metal. I work with machine at my job that has rollers to level metal plates. It uses rollers. I was wondering if any of you know of a leveling machine that would squeeze sheets of metal and then shake them with ultrasound to make them flat, and if that principle would even work. Kind of like an earthquake but with specific frequency to release inner tensions within the material. I'd be really happy to know if something like that is even possible. I need it for some other project. Thanks.

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