Ambrož's journey to life

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 28 Sep 2016, 19:37

Day 799: Does it ever stop?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dependant on acceptance of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to state that SF is not working because of being suggested to do SF on points that pester me and then i feel like i'm being commanded to do them "or else", like there is no other solution to fix the thing but with SF, and because i know i did it already on those points it creates conflict within me and i actually feel like i'm in conflict with an individual that is suggesting such a solution to me, and then what makes it even more worse is that they claim that it is support, when i don't see it that way at all. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not fully know if i really have indeed check up on all the points to forgive, or if the problem lies in the fact that i forgive a point then feel calm or lightness because of it and because even calm and lightness is a sort of a feeling (i guess) it disperses and, because of wanting for things to happen to me so that i can feel something about them, even if it is only thinking i then recreate that point i previously forgive myself for it and voila, here i go again another cycle to self compromise, even to an extent where i actually start compromising relationships with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write in a sort of a enthusiasm and within it i always sort of cross reference it with what i feel about those words like feeling mostly has to do also with the context that only i see and others may necessarily not, and then i for instance feel good and honest about it, i dare say it is self-honesty, though i also dare say that i kind of forgot what self honesty is again and then, sometimes despite feeling good about what i said others may not feel good at all especially if it referrers to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to really want to be a tricky bastard, like abusing what other people believe, like for instance someone believes that something works and I would intently want to create conflict within them about the point. For example another would believe that if one is speaking to you looking down and left would mean lying and i then aim to speak the truth (or so i would really hope that i would be doing) look at the same time down and left. I forgive myself to do this only to prove that beliefs and convictions can be messed with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and believe a thing a bout the fingers where i once heard that if a specific tip of a finger hurts, that this pain foretells a future experience of what part of self will be harmed, and i was always bothered with it, like not believing it but that "what if" it is true, i was at the same time wondering each time i'd feel pain in a finger what kind of mental pain i'll go through, and within this i'd always just shove it away like it is not true but only because i had fear of what if it is.

I forgive myself myself to be think that now when i sometime wake in the middle of the night my hands feel like burning on the inside and then because all my fingers hurt i then thought that if this fortunetelling through fingers that supposedly foretell the future is correct then i'll be mentally bombarded with bad reactions about myself, though i there is a positive and that is that now my hands actually don't shake anymore, like they really become more cured solid, so that is a positive i'm willing to sacrifice suppose mental traumas that are about to hit me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately stand behind words: "Self forgiveness works", even if it doesn't from a "scientific" perspective but only with an intent to not bullshit myself any longer about it if it does or doesn't, because i'm really tired to look for reasons, excuses and justification for one or the other possibility, that is how it is for me from now on and that is how i'll stand behind it or with it or in front of it, above, below, left right even i guess then all it is missing is within it, oh yeah and without it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed at situation where i saw an individual posing with an animal in their hands like all happy about it, and then i'd imagine the another universe there the situation would be opposite where that animal would hold a human in their hand and laugh at the camera, but then it is like holding a baby, i guess point that i was trying to make was if that individual would feel good about being held by somebody else or not, all in all i see that i saw it from a spiteful perspective where that animal really didn't want to be held. I mean i have a cat that is all happy and cuddling when i give her food but she never allows me to pet her, she always runs away, she is a bit more wild i guess, or some part of her fears me, because i once did something bad to her, not physically but more psychically, but i won't go into that now.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that if i don't give money to the bank to hold it for me, i might actually get even less out of for me my non moving currency, like if if i keep money for later use i could actually only buy 98 loafs of bread instead of supposed 99, but then again bread price is dependant bread creator i guess too, And there is a possibility to give money to a bank and if bank goes bankrupt i can't get back the money that i gave to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whine about bad past experiences like they took my life away, while i don't have any idea if my i actually wanted to interpret them like something spiteful towards me just to end up being the victim, like that would then grant me some benefit later on, like because i was being mentally "abused" (by my interpretation) i'll get to have the better of it later on in life, while all the while other people were just laughing not at my but my creation because it was simply funny despite me feeling like an idiot for expressing myself the way that i did. I mean if this reaction and inability to not react as in limited awareness of inner flowings of a being or mind or whatever spirit, soul, entity that one is, like hearing a really funny joke that is hard to not laugh about, like laughing about it is the supposed unaware reaction of one reacting to it and that is that which only one reacting to is responsible for, no matter how much would one want to blame the joke for making one laugh or the one that made it, and is goes the same for all the other feelings, though the other side of this usually still is that one is grateful to another or not so much depending how another expresses towards one, i mean i kind of see it still working that way, though this is only theory and theories are always a limited interpretation of reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that no matter how many times i try out a certain thing, like even if practising one punch, though i'm not really practising punches but more like producing same parts that go in hundreds, possibly the will go by the thousands in due time, but what i meant to say is that no matter how much this repeats itself with a success, i still firmly believe that with each try there is a higher chance to **** up, like opposite of playing lottery and winning it, and this does truly practically happen no matter what kind of master one is, or so i believe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still like this individual despite having some heavy disagreements with what was shared by them, like i made her a perfect excuse to not have anyone else on my list for a possible, despite others telling me she owns my #3@&7, and then later they would claim they only joked about it, while i was serous i mean i'd wanted it that way anyway, despite others telling me though it is interesting that this same fact caused conflict within me because someone owning you also sounds so possessive and i think this is the reason i had that other side of me wanting to prove that no one will tell me what to do and surprisingly i created a program within me where all that intent of bringing my best out for show, actually brought the worst of me, and what was even more terrible was that i actually felt good about expressing that "freedom" despite it in the moment of opportunity (or so i saw it) ruined everything i wanted to create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take jokes seriously no matter how compromising it is for me, due to what really is going on within me because of it, then again it is good mental training to keep myself on the edge and keen, though breathing does help me a lot when focusing on other things and points related to this or not at all come out of nowhere in my mind to ponder on, while kind of distracting me and contributing to winning that upside down lottery that creates sincerely negative results. But i mean things like these i learned most out, i mean in the long run it pays off, despite the moment's expressing toll is pretty much seemingly unbearable, like even if it is unacceptable, words don't hold much weight compared to what really is going on.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that belief in self forgivness is like belief in God, where if i want to deny it it, is basically same process like denying God to a christian or denying Devil to a satanist, and usually when people invest time into a "knowing" someone that would want them to see how "not knowing" they are they would feel bad about that someone or themselves, it is like factually stripping their purpose to believe in something away, when i have enough facts that such activities only end up in conflict or so they did when i wanted to convince this individual that there is no God, while their faith was so strong they would yell on me with all their heart to prove their point, calling me crazy and sinner and God knows what else...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kind of understand them because I myself had that experience when i didn't had any idea and i actually started to think due to this that there is some higher force and me not wanting to succumb to it like created huge amount of fear, no matter how much SF i did, like either it was because i did enough on it or simply due to time, but i really mean it, i basically think i don't have any idea about how these waters flow, like i'm a noob on this field, then again at work i see a similarity that i don't know about behaviour of matter nearly nothing at all.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 04 Oct 2016, 21:15

Day 800: No comment

So I've been facing different things in my head coming up. I tend to look at the situation differently now. I see it more as I did as a kid without all these additional mind developments. I mean it is much simpler this way, and i think I've never had so much time to think on this subject, basically defining ourselves through every moment of thought participation.

I some time ago had this fear within me that there were two kinds of people in this world. Some that don't think and are able not to, and those that are constantly bombarded with mind chatter. I had a fear within me because i looked at this situation as some having figured out something that made them more than others on a substantial levels and thus these abilities that supposedly make them more than others that at the same time i only imagined it is so, while not even knowing if what i imagined is merely a misinterpretation of what i wanted to interpret.

Lately I've been wondering if this world we are all in works for everyone the same way, and not the other way around where reality "lets" you see certain parts of it that others are for instance not allowed to, or simply are not tuned to frequency so that it could be felt.

I had plenty of time to think while doing certain things at work. For first few attempts i always find myself really focused. Depending on a job I do at work i find it harder and harder to follow that focus. It is really a paradox that those simplest movements of my body that i repeat for hundreds of times in a day work require most focus and, I've caught myself many times wondering in my mind about points that had not immediate relation to work. Like maybe it is not only about not thinking, but rather thinking right. It is rather using a combination of all the things I can do in my mind and let that contribute to creation of myself, rather reality that i find myself in. With my mind i move inside, then with what i moved inside with i then try to produce on the outside (it never really goes completely the way i imagine) and then i face the consequence of me moving within the reality.

The interest in what all a mind can do and how it influences reality was mostly created because i sometimes wanted to have things done everything fast, but on the bottom line there is this like a barrier that prevents the mind from manifesting everything that is in a mind possible but on a real level not. In this lies all the charm because one can be really misaligned with reality if one's mind tends to wander too much in delusional thinking. And in reality i firmly believe that no matter how much this esoteric thing exists it has more to do with fooling the mind than to fool the reality. It rather changes the mind so that it perceives reality differently, i dare say magically (when it is not so), than to change the reality itself. I certainly hope it is so, cause if natural laws keep changing like for instance - from now on time travel is possible -, i then really don't want to play this game cause then it means that there truly is nothing of integrity in this existence, but then maybe this change of real rules is what makes it so fun to always find something new to react in happiness towards because of there being a potential of always figuring something new out, and besides i don't even know if i know what integrity really is.

The way i imagined living it was with decisive action that no matter what happens I'll stay on course that was discussed, unless I'd be told to stop, but even then I'd sometimes take it on myself to not stop whatever i was doing just because of being interested in seeing the results. On one hand it is really fanatical behaviour, insane actually, on the other hand it was always usually insane moves of human beings that actually contributed to some change for the better, or worse, depends on which side one is on within profiting from consequence or losing.

Most of all I've been thinking about expressing myself, basically sharing of myself in my blog and how it contributes to my reality, or the making of it. I think i blew it long ago by pursuing a dream that i wanted to live in. Now times have changed a bit, but potentials are still there, only this time i am not as certain in them as i used to believe i was. What i started doing for a living now has literally no relation to what i write, i hardly believe that what i share here has any influence on my job. With my writing i also wanted to get to the bottom of some things, thinking that some may see stuff that i shared and then come to me explaining it on their own accord. Previous week it almost happened again, that mind burning hot-cold energy thingy. And at that time since nothing special was going down, i was now wondering if things that i feel inside, things that are rare as this one, was simply a consequence of thinking too much. Like this constant pondering and imagining of whatnot accumulated so much mental energy it got sort of lightly released and then because i didn't have any idea again i this time considered that there is only me that is creating this consequence on the inside and not some magician that knows how to control energies of other beings in some different dimensional spectrum than this real one, the one, that some call "the matrix", or in other words plain real. I mean this really got to me. Again i thought the worst of myself and considering it now that this is also me imagining, and that some might agree, others wouldn't but most would simply not care, unless I'd touch their mood in some way.

I mean it is really interesting from a point of facing reactions. On one hand i tend to think that one being in a reaction means one has not faced such a consequence yet and thus there is such an extensive experience for the first time, while if the same things would go down a second time, i bet the reaction would be less extensive, now imagine it going down for a hundreds or thousands of times. Thus i say it is hard to focus, while the first time i was completely here, listening, watching understanding what was done so that I'd know how to repeat it, and now because it is "nothing new" there is really hard to stay focused on this same thing i try to do. The only positive i guess was that i was told that 90% of the people doing such work didn't have any idea after being shown for a couple of times. Probably because there is so much different actions to get one piece done. I actually felt good listening to his words. I also thought that this process of self mastery, or mind mastery or whatever it is that is causing me to think (probably me), of knowing how to shut the mind off, or not mind the mind, but being focused on what is shared in a moment of time, that caused me to get it - put it simply. Interestingly enough there is always something new to learn each day, and there are mistakes still happening, i bet they will keep happening, though I'll do my best not to make any of them.

There is another point. I also been wondering if what i do now will keep on repeating, like for the rest of my life. Now that i have something working, will it go till end like this. Sleep, work, eat, repeat... Or will this idea that i shivered at the sight of it, ever come into play. The changing the world, and changing yourself thing is like totally out there for me. Now i wonder if it is not really so, and maybe there are numerous opportunities to shape my self, influence others, and with all of this "change the world" bit by bit. There is no organization needed to motivate me into this, but rather being here and seeing moments that happen where my actions give some added consequence and the whole charm lies only in how i behave. Surely behaviour of others has influence on me, but then it must also work the other way around, i mean if someone can influence me, then it is probable that i can influence someone else.

It is really mind blowing for me to think of all the things that happen, and when i try to look in the future i really have no idea what will happen. I don't even dare to "calculate" probable scenarios simply because of knowing what a complicated thing it is to consider everything that contributes to a certain situation. I for myself know that i want to create certainty and be stable within it, For now I'll hold on to work, and keep on working. The only thing i am wondering about is how I'll spend my free time with something else than complete self interest, yes even these writings are part of it too.

I was also thinking about all the misconceptions that i believed in. Truth is a hard thing to get to know and usually it is not so pretty, yet sometimes it genuinely smiles especially in hard times. I was thinking about this individual again that i dare say had lots of interest in, despite fearing that I'd look too obviously fanatic about, but that is what fans are for. On one hand there were many positive thoughts about this being, while on the other not so much. One and the other side of how i saw them was of my creation of interpretation. Some might have same creations of them within them some only positive, some only negative. What got to me most was the negative, and within this a self doubt of what if i am the one that is not correct, and being critical while there is no need to be. Some times in the past when I'd think of this individual what a "bad" thing they do, I'd get intense chest pains after it. I don't know if that happens because of what i think is not aligned with what i thought previously before about them, or if i am actually facing a consequence of thinking wrong. There is a difference between thinking wrong and thinking different. Today i was again thinking bad things about this individual, and again i felt slight chest pain. This time i was really wondering if what i think is simply wrong and thus i suffer pain in my chest. What is interesting is that i somehow connected this reaction of chest pain in my body with all the previous times this would happen and while at it trying to remember what i was thinking of at the time or at time before it happened. I really wonder if it has anything to do with thinking processes or is simply conflict within metabolism of my body.

Also about the positives about the positives with this individual. I'd gladly flock with them despite being more of a lone bird. I am sure they are doing their best all of the time. I'd gladly give em a hug, but if I'd have an opportunity to do it now, the only thing preventing me would be fear that I'm really not that attractive to them. Basically i see myself more of a nuisance because of dissecting everything, criticizing too much and probably wrong at the same time. I'd stand with them no matter what, well maybe I'd share my perspective if I'd not be comfortable with something, well depending on a context, but in reality nothing of this is really real, don't know if i'll make it real. It more describes my daydreaming, while in reality I'm still stuck at this point of feeling dizzy simply because of having an interest in something that i don't have, but because that thing is actually not a thing (, but a being, i am too afraid to move myself in any kind of directions on a relationship level, I'd rather not know than to face a disapproval from this individual, then again i also promised myself that i really really really won't make the first move, simply because of after making it I'm never really sure what to do next, though this is discuss-able of what is the first move. I guess my problem is thinking that there is only one right way that i don't know about, so no matter what I'd do, I'd do it wrong. What still bothers me is a fact that even if i ever get to that point of being close to someone I'd have a crush on that feeling of a crush will destroy all potentials of making it with that person, which is kind of a paradox because i firmly believe that one has to at least like another a little bit before one would want anything to do with them. Isn't it weird that love that supposedly causes so many negative aftershocks is the required thing to kick start a relationship, yet at the same time some advise not an iota of presence of it, cause eventually the fulfillment of love that requires lots of effort to upkeep on a right level may cause the disappearance of it. Basically the only real negative thing that i had about this individual prejudice, and i feel like i even made this one up. It is like looking at something so polished and real and good, one almost want to find conflict in order to have a discussion about something. Like there is nothing that would happen without conflict, and i think that no matter how much attraction there was, i just had to make up something not right about them.

I mean it is the same with this other individual that was taking care of me through out my whole life and what usually got me in an angry mood, was the fact that that she would ask me if i am hungry. I'd say no and then she would ask me if I'd eat this, and I'd say no again and then she would basically tell me bit by bit every single thing laying in refrigerator and I'd go down right berserk on her with words. I mean i usually felt sick about myself what an evil fucker i can be, i mean this being put out their best in front of my very eyes, expressing generosity and willingness to care of me, and i turned into rage monster, turning them down, like they are the ones being bad and evil, i mean i felt right about it no matter how possessed in a negative way i looked to myself. I mean i always got it, i still think it works this way where overextended generosity starts being annoying and downright tiresome to deal with. The way I'm dealing with this point now is to not go into any of the extremes where I'd want to be too good or too bad, but rather have sort of a balanced mode like i see the benefit of using both of the polarities but any of them used too much is not producing any stable effects. There is much less conflict now and this individual got the point to a certain extent. This was mostly due to sharing some knowledge that i learned through Desteni. I mean surely i had my doubts about the whole thing, but through the process of writing and exploring my mind and reading stuff of other people i get to know a lot of things about how mind works. And the best thing about it, i think is, that it is a never ending thing to explore and understand. I mean if everything is alive then mind surely is too, and despite there being certain rules that can be bent, each bending of them causes a bit different effect, not that the bends are the same, in detail it is hard to bend anything exactly as the way it was bent before.

Interestingly, while i was on farm i learned a really neat thing. I knew how to broom but not as effective as i was taught there. You might find it funny or insignificant, but this yet humbling thing has a really good impression on my master at work. I'm learning to be a "master" myself (i have to read some books and have a couple of years more of experience), basically he is really pleased with me despite me making some mistakes - like have a whole series of parts recreated because i got egoistic and thinking i know how to do something that i later because of not being completely focused and here screwed up. I mean i know how to make threads, i was just looking at it from one angle instead of two and.... Anyway, clean floor each time after i clean the mess that i make when working is a kick ass. I absolutely love the sight, despite staring at concrete, which i usually consider something less pretty than for instance looking at nature, a forest.

Also one other thing that really bugs me is a fact that i in the past did some i guess wrong moves because of wanting to make something come true that i didn't know the background of and in this process i found myself not being good enough to fill in the gaps that i understood were missing. Actually i think that i completely wasted all my opportunities to set things straight simply because of me not knowing how to face it any other way. I mean i may be wrong in my behaviour but in time i really hope I'll get it because i don't know if I'm that stupid, but usually when i ask an individual a question with a yes or no answer, i tend to look at this situation as not yes and not no, if no answer is given. This means there is something else besides interest. I mean either one is not bothered with me, or not wanting to be bothered, or one simply doesn't want to give a yes because of genuinely not having any kind of interests fulfilled with a yes, and not a no, because of whatever reason. Spiteful me even thought that there is no "no" because of me being considered as me then leaving something that was actually looking for more people to join in on the party, party as a group of people. Actually I've just been wondering if a yes was already given but was so mind-blown at the time that i didn't believe it to be true.

Another thing that went through my mind was magic, and existence there of. I won't lie. In the past when i was really angry at someone that i wanted to beat up, i imagined me having superpowers with which I'd be able to show him a lesson (i was physically incapable of doing that, since he already beat). While in that rage it got me thinking that if superpowers like flying had any real effect besides that, other than being for show. I mean I've seen people doing the water walking thing but is was only for show. I saw people telling me that such things were possible in the past because it was written somewhere, i even heard people telling me that there are people that know how to fly, exactly like superman, and each time I'd experience things like these I'd see myself as being insane if i were to believe them. Actually i saw them more being so, because of them supposedly believing it. There was also another dimension where i thought they wanna fool me into believing something that they'd know is not real or true. But latest one was an icebreaker when i heard that some things don't work because of one that wants to make them work is not believing in them. Pardon me for being frank, but isn't it fucking stupid to think that something needs a belief to exist? I mean surely besides being a prime motivator for purpose of creation of something that is yet to be, sure, but... I mean, in my high-school years we read some literature at mothers tongue subject. It was some foreign author explaining how the table that was in front of him is not really in front of him and that his mind is making it up, kind of like a matrix movie. I had to make a joke about the point and said that if that is true then me hitting a wall does not actually hurt, like i in my mind only pretend that i feel pain while there is not any pain. Surely one does not have to mind it, but one has to be pretty damn dumb to not admit something hurts. So later what was really interesting to me were facts like "searching for a spark" that i was told Freemasons look for to recreate this thing we call substance that physical reality is made out of. Or finding the "God particle" and that each time we supposedly get too close we are "not allowed access". If you ask me is is just damn infinity within the finite that is screwing us in the head. While at the same time listening how worthless reality is, or how it needs some ascending (to get more action) i was wondering why is everyone dissing this world, me included, if at the bottom line, i like others try to live it up. I mean if it is such an illusion why does it hurt so bad, even if it is only on a mental level. I mean it is like not agreeing with the state of illusion that we are in, like wanting a bit different illusion. It is like knowing that one lives a lie no matter what one lives through, while desiring to live through a specific lie. I honestly don't get it. I know I've been pricking around, but still i to certain extent respect the system i am in no matter how much the "good doers" don't agree with it. I admit that some people have abusive behaviour to experience a bit more of themselves, but then i also let them intently. Like let them have the "best" of me. I don't care how much i suffer. I know that if i go to their face an tell them what games they play it won't change anything. Change for me didn't come even where everything was against me to finally get it and i didn't. I firmly believed i was right and they were wrong. I mean i managed "for me" to do the thing i was most scared of, and that was not agreeing with majority i was confronted. I mean mentally to confront such force was really terrifying for me. Knowing how not even those closes to me wouldn't listen if i were for instance right, and fearing that I'd may say something wrong and someone would believe it, me in a long run sending someone on "impending doom". Surely it is easy to say that what another for instance feels when i express my words is their and only their responsibility, but on the inside i was pretty much scared to say anything.

It is a weird thing, life, some ask if there is anything alive about it, like it is just some program meant to go its way, like there is a plan behind for it, like a matrix. I personally believe (meaning you don't have to believe me) that there is no plan nor there ever was. It is just bluffing the future and some projects work out because they are worked on and some don't. What is point of purpose if there is no existence to it? I think this is whole of the magic about it. Create something and face the consequence with open arms, whether being good or bad, if good enjoy, if bad learn. Surely we are all about getting positives in our lives, getting negatives only proves how much potential there actually is besides the one that we are able to see. There is nothing really certain, we only have it to have something to stand for, but then if there is life after death, like there is no way of completely making ourselves nonexistent, or anything that there is, then we are certainly gonna face every consequence we create, no matter how blind we actually are when creating it.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 10 Oct 2016, 18:19

Day 801: Still thinking....

While i was working i just couldn't get rid of some experience that got to do with how many people i see are reading my blog. I mean, depending on a number i then conclude that i've mush have written something good/bad and lately i can't get this idea out of my head that i've really blew it. I've must have written something wrong or not aligned with others, thus i got a really nice drop on how others are interested in what i have to say for myself. What bothered me more was that now i should go and check up on every point i had to express that caused this drop of interest. I'll try to be discrete. And please understand that this has more to do with what i've written a wrong way, or at least for me correct, but for someone else not so much. You can look at it as me dealing with my ego, or simply me not knowing what else to write about or maybe some third, or forth,... thing.

One reason i thought i thought was that i expressed how little i lately read from other people, or listen to their vlogs. Basically i am too self interested to waste the rest of my time i have in a day for me for anything else but for me. This means i try to play as much pc games as possible and play with toys along other stuff that i kind of don't have a choice but to do, or else i make some individuals that i am kind of still dependant on, in some kind of a bad mood. Thing is, that me expressing my lazy-ness probably caused some doors to close on me that provided a tunnel to funnel my expressed information through the information distribution site. At least now i think, things went this way.

Some other reason was, me and my conflict with self forgiveness process where i some posts ago stated how i sincerely don't believe that self forgiveness works...however. I've been thinking about that point i expressed about what did work for me, like that think that i created with my mind "cured" my inner turmoil. I know that this is completely in conflict with stopping the mind (though mind can't be stopped, at least by me or so i understood it), but whenever i'd experience feeling like shit on the inside because of what happened on the outside was not aligned with what my ego wanted to experience, i'd then on the inside (with thinking, imagining, mental work, whatever I do on the abstract level to myself) try to maze myself out of feeling crap with "reasonable" thinking (somewhat) and though this was not always the case cause i'd not understand the whole concept of what i wanted to get out of it, like the logic was completely irresponsibly managed in some cases, i'd still manage to tangle myself up a bit more to feel good about myself with relation to my future with what i just did despite the imminent proof that what i did was not liked so much by others, yet me due to my ego would would still rather excuse itself with ego of other people rather than to sometimes admit i was really doing a really fucking terrible thing for myself in a short and a long run. Either way what comes around goes around, and i have a really hard time admitting that i reached those extremes that i was wrong. What this has to do with self forgiveness is the fact that i when i finally started to use some sense started seeing as all kinds of things, but most nerve wrecking was when i knew that i was doing for calming the inner storms yet i knew that other methods out there were also claimed to work (like tapping), and i myself had beforehand a really nuts experience of me going crazy because i was so restricted by all the regulations of what is right and what i wrong that i did take that length to really build up some speed before hitting a wall with my head. After that experience i really thought white wan and men in white suits were the only ones that are able to help me, but no, i said no, i wanted to get to the bottom of why the fuck no matter what i'd do it may be destructive for one being and some other dude would completely agree with my decision. I managed to figure out or at least i think so that it had more to do with what interests they had and how my action supported it or restricted it from happening, but that might also not be true because i mean, if you ask me no one really knows what is best for them at some point. Like even if you are a complete success after success person a fail is bound to happen and i honestly think that no one is really safe from this occurrence. Just like the other way around where constant fail after fail finally sprouts some success. And basically thoughts like these kept me going despite seeing some weird shit that i wanted to kill myself over it. I mean, i think i caused some long term consequences that i had suicidal thoughts over them, but then i was really interesting in seeing what happens if i go on, no matter what reality throws at me. I got to a point that it was only feeling that made me not wanna live it, meaning energy, usually negative one so emotional at that...not feeling, and i found out that either i had a storm for myself prepared that would literally negate the one i'm about to face, like hitting some random frequency with a random opposite one and they completely cancel each other out, mainly "reasonable" things, and if there was no mental energetic cure i'd just stand through it. Some storms are just too strong to deal with, and rather simply wait them out and let them settle. So i was thinking about sf a bit more and i actually realised that from this perspective it does work, and in addition one actually digest the whole picture that SF is related to and while getting to the root of the problem the energies settle. I mean they would settle either way cause energy is a flow and flow are bound to stop at some point unless the engine pushing them is literally immortal. Thus is why positives or negatives within relation of feeling good or bad about oneself can only exist so long. Thus is why we keep searching for more of one and less of the other, though that is not always the case, but at the bottom of it i really have faith that despite having some influence of what happens for us to experience there is really no end to the fact that some things just come at us, and there is no stopping it simply because of the momentum if built up through a longer period of time. Like there is partial self control and partial no self control at all, and at least i really wanted to control that "no self control" part, though it is evident that i fail at that too, and i simply spew it all out no matter how much it will hurt my ego, or me, or my self, my heart.....
Thus it is interesting that i had so much against Sf process, i'd still do it and now i actually see that there is really a point to it why it is maybe better than some other procedures to make oneself straight, clear, one again.... I am also aware that some SF i did was completely pointless, as in i was told that i don't have to forgive myself for certain things, though through some other channel i was told that i should forgive everything, i don't know, maybe it was that i should self forgive everything. Either way realising its uselessness for some contexts, i then thought that maybe this can be abused aswell to even further solidify certain bad not best for all points, like dealing with politics where i'd for instance forgive myself for not feeling bad because of not wanting to be political and thus i'd no longer feel bad about not doing anything on political level, even though it is believed that this construct has most influence over how system works. There is another saying for what i believe in it is like a bar without a waiter where no one knows who drinks and who is paying for them...

Another point that crossed my mind was that i was trying to really when saying that i intentionally try to use disinformation, what i really wanted to say that i'm trying to put as much info out there as possible so that i'd no longer be interesting to some that might see me as a mental case. Like flood my blog with so much info that i t some point thought of it as true, though some i still think of it as such, though i have to express that the more info i put out the higher there is a chance of me expressing a lie, i mean it is kind of hard for me to believe that everything i've written down is nothing but truth, it is simply impossible.... and as such i thought that eventually people would get bored reading my mind trash and i'd be saved, cause no one would no longer be bothered with me, and all my fears of me saying something wrong would enough to cause another to make my life a bit more of a hell that it already is (though it has been worse, i could really live with what i'm now for the rest of my time).
I just realised that disinformation may mean something different than what i con-texted it in my mind. I mean the first time i heard of the word was when i had myself a nice information overflow when i took everything personally and with some direct relation to me, and i figured that disinformation simply means that there is too much info to deal with within time, like even a lifetime, and it is hard to discard any of it simply because it may be correct truth. But to deal with what is happening in one moment compared to what will happen simply aint worth it. I rather state that i'm blind and infinitely unaware of what all is happening at the same time than to really want to know. I mean this is only seeing now if it is even possible... than there is the past and the future to consider and now infinately huge as it may be is still like nothing compared to what already happened and what will happen. If there is one thing i have faith in is facing of consequence. I mean think about it one moment of time versus a million that passed and a million that will pass? Is it really worth it to let a little tiny feeling be the director of the script we live or are there some other things that are also worth taking a look at, i mean not just inner reality of one self or another but like the outer reality of everyone. I mean this is the mindfuck i've been living my whole life, don't ask me why but despite knowing that no matter what i think of what another is really going through it is my imagination of what another is dealing with, yet we put so much focus and attention into out imagination of how imagination of another works that whole world might be crashing down and that simple point of attention would be all we'd ever care about.

Personally i cared for things depending on a context of them. Some i'd see myself being downright stupid if i'd not sniff them out, while some i'd see myself stupid stupid if i'd worry about. I didn't know so i had to poke.

Another point that i was considering was me finding out another interpretation for a charlatan. I don't know what official definition for a charlatan is, but mine before the newest one i've heard was that a charlatan was really a bad magician that has nothing magical about them and that they got figured out, like a fake scientist or whatever, basically a person that fails at pretending. A new definition that was made up by some artist states that a charlatan is an individual that has no official recognition for what they do, yet whatever they do, they do it really well. Meaning formally they are a fraud, practically not really.

I mean i couldn't help myself again but to think this stuff along some other stuff that i'm a bit shy to express, or i'll say that i'm not that far in my process where i'd not have any reaction towards doing something that i'd see as potentially damaging for my ego. No i don't have enough will and nerves to face the potential consequences that i'd foresee happening if i were to express certain things with words. One thing that i learned about humans is that no matter how nice or humble or shy they may be there is always that line where they turn into beasts, but always with relation to something.

Also another thing that crossed my mind (i really hope it didn't double cross me) is that belief despite expressing unconditional mental recognition of something we'd think about may be compromising because of the mind limited capabilities and yada yada yada, there is also a good thing about it and i personally have faith in some things that i'd without it not even consider putting then my time into them. I mean no matter what we do we basically only throwing time away, and because it is the only thing we can't get back i kind of related it with using it in a proper way, i mean even if i don't at least i believe i do, and considering how many facts are kept hidden from me, the only option left to think is that i don't know shit about what really is going on and how things really function, thus i'd rather be safe than sorry, while knowing that it may not be safe at all, in a long run i mean, yet it is something of a purpose despite not being thoroughly worked out. Then again surely any kind of purpose is simply made up.

Though i am sure that i didn't touch on all the problematic points it is a start. And surely if i'll not get it now, I'll get it through a consequence and even then, I'm not completely sure about the aha moment where i'll see what i messed up. But then again i do feel kind of released, since no matter how others don't approve of my thinking it is only thinking..... Now i'll pull myself out of this with that excuse of me not being a thought, but me being the creator of them. Though i did always wonder with all this supposed telepathic abilities and psychic merchandise how do these mind readers differentiate between their and the mind of another? I mean if this is possible then one having such an ability can use it to cheat at tests at school, not to mention other even worse possibilities of how i "can" work out on reality.

I personally didn't believe i had voices that made me do this or do that. I actually believed i had conversations with them. And worst of it ever was that i wasn't completely sure if i was so genuinely making these conversations up or it was actually happening. I mean how would you differentiate your own thoughts from the thoughts of another if everything is same, but words and word by word more and more is "revealed" or mostly more and more "screwed up". I mean i still believe that if there is a solution to this world (in a case it needs saving) it will first come up in the head, and if the head makes a solution that is not "aligned" with the problem, the problem will persist, and it will get worse and the only thing stopping it is either time or in other words undeniable consequence. Now either has to live for facing it with running away or run towards it and face it. I was kind of in favour of the option of simply waiting to see what will really go down. I mean surely some things are to be prevented but some simply come without any notice whatsoever and there is no prevention for them, cause it simply is not that will happen.

Though i do admit to the fact that i had more of a ironic relationship towards whole SF process. I know i stated in the past how SF really works though i had more of a sinister, evil, spiteful intent, like seeing my whole behaviour towards it as cynicism, maybe parody but definitely ironic. Though i must add that i too had seriousness within me doing it and i kind of saw others the same way. I just decided to keep on writing to see how long i'll last. It is not just the perspective of me givig up, there is also a perspective where others simply letting me know that it is best for me to not write any more....until that time comes....

Oh i almost forgot. I figured out something about me at work. Each time when i think how "good" i'm doing my job, i am sure that most of the time if not all of the time I'm in that moment actually screwing up parts, like if not completely they are definitely not properly made. I realised that i simply must focus on how i move myself within the job that i do and on nothing else. It is so simple, and i want to know why i then think stuff as described above if i should focus on creation of proper parts that eventually contribute to a proper product....

And one more thing happened where i was faced with a responsibility to do something and i intentionally declined it because of having some other job to do at the same time that was also responsibility. I was considering myself as a bastard for not taking it on me, and i was considering another as not wanting to take it on themselves. I wonder what kind of a choice is a correct one. To spew truth in the face of another with a bit of spite or be nice and have their wish be my gift to them? I mean if responsibility is the most common problem that is being thrown around, then why do i throw away even the smallest of balls i'd get opportunity to play with, not to mention the "big" ones.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 18 Oct 2016, 20:34

Day 802: Reconsideration
This little pretty specific thing made me open up like a fan. A thing is made out of substance, and if substance is life, then things are life too, despite thinking of myself and everyone else (nothing to do with spite) as no thing, or in short without space, nothing.

I must say it is pretty damn hard to let go of initial beliefs. I guess it is because of such thinks that it is hard to say for me that i'm wrong. First time around when i ran into self forgiveness, i didn't believe in its workings. And despite it was only a belief reality of it was completely different. That is probably because lots of people just did it. Here i could express that "self forgiveness zombie" thing i stated some time ago about other people. I mean i saw myself as that, just accepting something, wanting to see what is up with it, though i must admit i had some other intentions that was more to do with stealing someones heart, not the real pump, just wanting to portray an image that would this individual just wanted me to have it before i could actually stole it. As things went down the drain, and i felt looser like, god knows what else, all the things i was willing to swallow down just get along with them, i kind of lately started puking out. I mean in words that is. If every one would sincerely share such kind of opinions that have built up hidden fortresses around them, i am sure that everything would be good because, at least I, or i dare say we (probably no one is with me on this) because we know now how to control inner turmoils especially when faced with truth of another, that might not even be true, but it would still "hurt" emotionally when things that are not exactly right "things that go with one well" as we say it here. It is like I would open up my library of what i don't like about another. But the only problem is that is personal for me. Magically, another, when i express my opinion that is not aligned, gets either the best of it or worst. I mean it depends on another how my personal critic is taken in, and i try not to ever forget that it is actually me that is being too sensitive to anything that is not perfect for my interests.

Writing about interests here i would also like to express that i didn't want to offend anyone that believes in self forgiveness and its workings. I just have a mind that minds it is just too damn easy to fix things with words and thinking or writing for that matter. Though i do admit that my initial impression had more to do with simply not believing in something or yes believing in the opposite of that something, and i myself built a fortress around that apple. It is interesting because, i keep stating how i intentionally agree with something, while at the back of my head (my fail chat) i still don't. Or it is simply a reaction that i can't control yet because two days ago i again got confronted with an individual that stated how SF is not working on her, and this time the problem was again that right points are not touched. I've read many reasons that SF is mainly not working because of not doing it within "brutal self honesty". For me this is the same as stating that I am not self honest, or simply lying to myself.

Yesterday i reminded myself that someone said to me that i should speak it out loud, and i then just spoke it while having earplugs and listening to saw cutting iron. With ear plugs you sound a lot louder to yourself. I mainly did it for me because i know that the bottom line of is just convincing like conversion to yourself to accept something unacceptable due to a simple opinion. It is like those playing kids in kindergarten when one kid says: "You're it!" and the other: "No i'm not!" Somehow when we grow up we take these things that more seriously.

Either way i today again figured out that it is mainly just about letting go. For instance my hard case was getting attached to this girl, and then once i found out "with enough "substantial" evidence" that she doesn't really have a thing for me, i'd simply not believe it. No matter what happened i'd still have this idea that one day i'll not regret the decision that I've made couple of years back, almost like decade or so, despite i kind of regretting it every single day. It is like eating myself inside out simply because of wanting something that i can't really have. It is like my imagination is my worst enemy, making up all these pretty things that could happen, but then when i realise i'm daydreaming and i stop myself, i'd still later on feel pretty emotionally beaten up, just because of not being able to fulfil my coming true.

But that is not the biggest problem i see. The biggest problem became a reality when my personal interest got me to a point where i am literally stuck. Before i met Desteni i had a pretty simple idea of what will brought me to a relationship. In Desteni language it is called a positive energy of love. Meaning i'd have to bite a bait, that someone else would throw for me, or I'd just make up for myself in the lines of "I wish to spend time with this being". But paradoxically with all this logical like robotic thinking the idea was actually that for that love to exist there has to be a reason for it to sprout. And the only ones creating reasons is us. So what happened to me was that i had to face exactly the same thing that i imagined i eventually would. I mean it is not every day you are told to stop looking for a relationships, and while i just randomly sit or do and wait for time to happen to me i keep experiencing how everyone else keeps doing it. I am more of a let it be kind of guy, and thus i have really bad self initiative in certain situations. I feel like all these points that i agreed upon doing closed me up too much, i mean i closed myself up because of them. I can easily see how to break myself free but a word once given... I'd look like too much of an idiot to myself if i simply let go of certain principles, and besides before I ran into Desteni i didn't have any point in life. Basically it is only because of them that my life kind of become more eventful, right to a point where there was just too much to bare....You have to be this, don't do that, read this, read that, SF this, don't SF that, it was like being an absolutely irresponsible wanna just chill and have it easy to be absolutely drowned in responsibility and responsible like behaviour. Like the first word that ever came to existence is responsibility.

Anyway what i wanted to say that the way i'm managing myself right now is in some aspects really responsible, but in some other aspects i'll either blow up or simply forget that it happened. I hope for the latter. It has more similarities with forgiveness. That i did believe in and still do, because if not for it, i imagine, if i had the power, simply erase all of existence and not let it ever happen. But then on i'd imagine is what else would there to be done but to exist, to create, something out of nothing, if that is even possible. Whoa, my mind fucks are escalating, now i write my day dreaminess.

Also i had an interesting conversation with some dude. Some time ago he and my other friend talked about rocks, specifically crystals. They talked about properties. What got to me was when the topic touched the "supernatural" parts and i like always within such things started reacting with my mind, this is shit chat, i am more than this, i don't need no rock around my neck to feel safe from all this back magic or what not programming that i am blind towards, excreta. And this time i did the Desteni thing and instead of expressing my reactions, I waited a bit saw the first thing that came up my mind i should say, and took some more time and asked something different than that first idea coming up. In this instance I admit a bit spiteful thing, (i mean simply deciding not to believe something without any evidence is pretty spiteful in the eyes of law, i suppose, despite being just made up), and what happened was that i got a really nice answer that added a puzzle peace that is really practical, that i really want to one day test out if it works for real. It so happens that these crystals are used all the time with all sorts of contraptions, clocks for instance. But the specific stone we were talking about converts heat into electrical current. The only problem is (i imagine) that it needs change. In fact constant change of up and down is enough. Like a piston, and a heat explosion would be enough to deliver that change. I personally had a different idea how Seebeck's effect would do this, like lots of tiny Seebecks at the same time working together would create electricity out of heating motor engine, like an additional source of energy, but i'd be damned if the same thing happens within these crystals, i forgot the name.

Then on conversation developed a bit differently and i went more into existential points, where i figured out something about my problem. I mean I created this idea of what would make me happy. Then for instance because i pursued this idea i got a bit more closer to it and fulfilment of it is not in limelight right now, but the extra bit of consequence that i basically had no idea it will happen. What is problematic in this is that things that I hold on to, literally not let them go even when being shown, told, eventually yelled at, for not letting them out of mind, simply not bother with them anymore. I realised it is more about wanting to hold on them to let them be free - so to speak. I guess that is why SF is a fail in such a respect, i mean if I would do self forgiveness how deeply in love i am and think it, write it, say it, and i think i'll be able to yell it out soon enough, and would still not make the thing happen for me. Or maybe i don't have the heart to. Like intentionally just to prove that simple point that I have the capacity to will myself into anything, and the same for the opposite. I mean why would i need SF from that respect and then whine about it not working, making it almost this religious thing to fight against that is from some perspective really just wasted time. I mean you can't fight a belief, you can't convince anyone out or into it. It is individual self that decides to accept something or not. I mean personally it is just experience that lets you in on the actual picture and even then i'd ever be so sure i am getting the whole of it. And it is stuff like this that creates those unaware consequences that are the then the main attraction while still knowing, ok this thing is what it actually went about and now i am here doing something completely different but somehow related, because i believe that if i do it, i'll get to where i initially wanted to be.

To put it simple. The guy told me that we keep feeding seeds to each other, and even if we know what is good for us or not, we due to our limited awareness of the unaware always leave some extra effects of our actions behind. Point is one has to "know" which seeds to grow and which to let go of. One has to will oneself into life. And life is not a fully pretty picture. For now, i believe, we haven't found a better way of recycle or be recycled. But in some aspects life is pretty. What happens always that better things just eat up the worse ones, or so i was told, but i had my "imagination" at work again and thought if there is a possibility that actually a bad thing can eat up a good one, but then what does a bad thing know of the consequences of its intent. I mean a good product has a better chance to be sold on than a bad one for the same price. That is if the buyer knows what is being bought. So the charm of it all is that we have to get to know the unawareness and let ourselves make it awareness. No matter what it is. It is a starving child, or a war, or a simple reaction. There is a long distance between such occurrences, but is it?

I mean surely it takes some time for one thing to manifest another, but wouldn't it make all the difference if one thing would be taken into account that causes all the rest that are the consequence of that one, than to let that one slip, and deal with all this trouble that is caused because of letting one rip. I mean i know it is hard to just let go of all the purpose and creating some new less conflicting one, but "deep down" inside myself i simply have no other idea of what else to be and live than what i am living now. I don't care how others react in anger towards me because of me stating my truth, of what gets to me and what not. I personally have no other idea of what else to be than what i am right now.

Another thing happened at work and this time i really saw myself as being a bit crazy. I talked to one guy and is really interested in doing more school. He thinks it is a good thing. There is also another guy that constantly reminds me how i am only this eager to work because I am all green and than within a year i'll be doing stuff much slower and be more easy-lazy like. He also thinks that my education is useless. Then i snapped and did the "movie scene" of expression and used all my happy face abbilities to give them back exactly what they gave to me. I told the school guy in a happy way how good doing school is as a choice, and the anti school guy how right he is in stating that school is pointless. Both starred at me, i thought that this must be what schizophrenic behaviour looks like. Maybe it is a disease but just as i had my opinion that a mind state can be pronounced as a disease. I have a friend that is "sick" in psychological terms. Basically he was very scared of someone else's reaction, but the problem was that he became vengeful and threatening, and he couldn't stand in the consequence that choice made for him. And i heard another story of how life experience, especially if traumatic can cause certain belief within an individual and there is simply no way out of it for them. I could go rough here and state that it is simply holding on to history and letting past recreate itself, or be nice and imagine that i understand (cause i don't) and show compassion, say it will be better (I don't have any idea what will happen in future), but all in all that individual is no loner here. Though she did constantly walk around the house, and i think she also constantly thought about something, whatever happened to her in the past let an unforgiving experience.

And in all of this mess, i have this thing for logic through which i want to disprove something that i initially didn't believe in despite having no proof of its non-validity. I mean as i observe myself it is interesting how i sometimes really feel this is it, and at other times i feel like i'm only telling myself lies simply because i believe i need to believe in it to make it work. There are people that genuinely at least i think so just do it, or did it for themselves to let go of grudges, or unattainable desires, things that are causing them not only mental suffering but consequently also physical one that manifests due to mental one. I mean from that respect i see myself as really evil bastard wanting to disprove something already proven, that is saving and i treat it just as some set of words that cause all but wonder due to their consequence, if not due to fact, it is like that due to a belief. I personally saw how a belief in something that i don't, made the whole difference of an experience at the moment, though i don't know what the long run in believing in such things looks like. But eventually nature discards everything not strong enough to stand. Like pyramids for instance, i believe that main reason building them was to prove that nothing stands against time, though i do agree that the shape of a pyramid has the longest expiry date if you just let the elements to deal with it. I thought like that because everything of history and esoteric is obsessed with immortality and living forever, and stone is one of the most stable of not the most stable of substance within the race against time and everything that can happen within it and still can't stand it, how the hell would anything else, despite being alive, despite having a will, despite having a desire, even a choice. I mean choosing not to die is only within a now, and then there is a now where death doesn't give a choice.

I really don't want to be all grim and dim but lately I've constantly been confronted with stories of suicide by emotionally conditioned people. I some, not too recent time ago thought of same thing, but then i got thinking about a what if i die and i'll still have all this baggage with me that i supposedly reasoned with that i should kill myself for. In such a case suicide would solve nothing. I'd still have to be the one to let go of things, that is if there is an afterlife after a life.

I also had a strange dream where i met a certain individual. While i ran towards them to give them a hug out of happiness, they all crumpled up like they expected me i'd hurt them or something. It is interesting that i still thought after i woke up i'm being somehow manipulated through dreams, like all the experience no matter how i felt about it, or genuine as i experienced it in the moment. I guess i still have those shifts not really knowing what stands and what not. Like at times everything is cool and at other times i still think there is like this sinister thing behind some veil that just wants me and others to suffer. It is still interesting how such daydreaming can cause so valid experience as if it were real. Like the life in reality is so sometimes so uneventful or i just fail to see what is happening all at the same time that i in the mind fix myself up something to then feel good or bad about. It is like i'd have the controls, but i don't. I mean ask yourself that simple question if who you are doesn't at least leave a tiny bit of influence that adds to wave that we ride on? Is it worth to let that tiny bit of influence be an excuse to who you are?

Actually it is like those points at the start of my blog where i had problems with myself and faith in myself if a choice of writing this blog is a good or bad for me. Simply because i know that i'm a chatter head and that eventually it will become so boring i'll have to let some "secrets" slip to make it more eventful or it will simply be too much of a build up within me, for me to hold it in. Excuse of a suppression is quite good at such moments too. But usually it has more of a negative consequence for it. I mean for who really the one that suppresses or one that is making one suppress with all the motivation such as fear, and threats, or lies, whatever basically. Personally exposing suppressed parts of me is releasing. And releasing is just as a feeling as anything else. Now i look at it, ok i am suppressing, i know i feel like shit because of not letting the truth out, but boy will i be happy when i discover my self honesty and let it all out no matter how much more damage will do to me, or another. There is a big difference if one is deliberately searching for a specific reaction with "manipulation" or if one simply expresses as reaction like, though i now get that tiny bit of difference between a reaction and an expression. For expression one takes a bit more time to really thing through how to make things happen, for a reaction you just ride the first thing that comes to mind. I think it is like letting all breaks loose, while a expression is in advance prepared movie script.

And now for me the problem is not getting the difference of the natural, because a reaction has a more natural resource to it, while expression has more of a scripted one, with lots of intent and how would i put it craftsmanship. Like hell now i think like if this nice picture that is being expressed would look any different if reaction would occur. Basically i lost all faith in my own judgement because of not really knowing what the hell is going on. Is the program still running or is this the normal genuine everyday like it was before i started to be shit scared about what kind of consequence i'm creating for myself simply because of not knowing things.

But what i am interested in finding out is what following a simple principle that i don't dare to say that i'm lucky that i was introduced to, because i really don't know what following a simple order will do, but i am eager to see if i was right in sacrificing whole lot of me, because if i wasn't then truly are the masters of our own fates. Damn even if i was that would still make sense.

Would lies even be able to exist if there was one genuinely working technique that would expose them? Wouldn't such a technique then prevent all the lies from existing? Why do we search for such a technique? What is truth to us? Would the truth make any kind of difference? Would the truth change you, your habits, opinions... Wouldn't the truth generating effect got us rid of all the not knows, assumptions, all the exploration, all the points that cause us breakdowns, or buildups?

Oh yea and i also discovered my biggest fear. It goes as it follows. At those initial moments of Anu coming through the portal I got a bit scared when he stated that the mind is so precious one can't let go of it, like that was basically the only thing that is keeping purpose within one about doing it alive. Well i couldn't agree more, in fact i was pretty damn sure i wanted to screw up such a belief, that explains why it is so hard to let go of that toy on the store shelf, or that person with whom there is a time to have good times with, or that pile of money that just waits to be spent on something only money can buy and someone else has it. Trick is that i think that i got hooked up on a simple idea, that would, if i don't cease to exist when i die, still exist. Then i imagined that precisely that one point i wanted to have or experience, or maintain, do whatever with it is the one i can't have. Life is aligned like this and my mind is not, good luck next time.... Then i dug a bit deeper and i actually found out that even if this one point will not happen because of who i am, so won't any other and so this who i am really is not good for me in the long run. It is like i have to destroy my self to build a new (hopefully) different one, because this one is really giving me trouble. So it is not really about what I've learned, it is more about what i believe i know is right when it actually isn't. So yeah, it seems i'll see if i'm able to suffer this ailment for infinity, will it sprout into something awesome or i'll give up before giving it a chance to happen. Lol.

It is a really weird fear. Holding on to something that can't ever be had, while knowing there is an ever lasting forever. I almost wanna get rid of all the attachments i have, but then there is no one that would prevent me from making same mistake twice. I mean if you look at fearing the inevitable, in this case the most banal thing would be ceasing to exist, isn't it stupid to fear something that will eventually happen, with no power to stop it. If the getting too attached to something is more plausible event, wouldn't then be better to simply create plausible goals, i mean surely even one not possible can still be tested out for a bit longer, but how much time is the question, and what kind of action will i miss if i go down that road, cause in the end it is all about action. Thing that happens, like games and bread, like Romans used to cheer before empire split. I personally am not against games, it is just that some things have requirements for a bit more serious approach.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 25 Oct 2016, 20:59

Day 803: About truth
The truth even if it doesn't need a belief to exist, one certainly needs (i believe) to believe it or accept it, what i really mean is take it into account because if one even if it stares right it the eye doesn't, then i personally think one doing such a thing is stupid.

I'll now go a bit back into the past with this point because i deliberately did this once. I considered somebody that is very caring as not being that. It was dumb dumb move by me, and no matter how much i wanna excuse myself with my ego or bad behaviour pattern, it was more of a vengeance or more of a test. I had a bit screwed up childhood where interaction with other people was more of a challenge than any kind of extraordinary experience. I mean sure there were good times, but all in all i was much better of doing things when no one was around though it did bother me sometimes why am i not such a company kind of guy. Answer to this is probably my inner dialog that respectively expressed my inner mood on my face, and thus i can only imagine that i was not really attractive from that perspective. Being angry, holding things in, not commenting on anything, not wanting any conflict with anyone, just agreeing with everything that goes no matter how conflicting situation was. Basically all i cared was me having a good time, while believing everything is already screwed beyond repair going down, so why then not have at least some fun. I was pretty abusive from the sense of money and those closest to me that gave me support, I intentionally lied to in order to up keep my game of having fun, just waiting for a turning point where all that shit will spew in my face.

Another thing that really bothered me in life is fairness. Because as i could see a potential going down, such as me being revealed of what my initial beliefs are, what my actions that i make without the awareness of others, particularly those that would be most pissed at me for making them. Thus i always considered that this "fairness" principle had turnabouts. For my case it was a question of how much longer i'd be able to live that way before i fall to the bottom. Even though i already saw myself as always being there, from the "1. world problem" point of view. I could use the excuse how others told me to have as much fun as i can while i can, but i'd do it either way. So logically to me there was an end to all this playing games and sooner or later i'll have to use my time in some other way or i'll not use it at all. And it eventually did hit me in the face. Something happened to me, something i don't know if i created, or caused the creation of it, meaning something, rather someone else gave me a peak that was enough to blow my mind, and all i thought i knew about this reality that i was living felt like fear. Basically i woke up in fear, thinking stuff, trying to stop myself from creating thoughts, it was just a mess. On the other hand this even contributed to me at least starting to respect unknowns, instead of just deciding upon something, believing it and then play my game of standing for it. I mean personally, Even if i'd decide for an opposite belief from one i had, it would be an equally blind decision. After all what my backchat was about was mostly, assumptions that if i say anything good about myself it probably is not, and besides i'd feel like a boast and i don't know why but when i get that experience of others doing it, i don't like it so much. I know, that in business there is just no other way to make others trust you a bit easier, if a commercial is expressing the best stuff that is on sale, but if i were to express something bad about me, maybe i'd have a bit of resistance but much less then about good things. Yeah basically i don't care if others think the worst of me. To me time consequence is the only real deal that no one can't run away from, and words compared to that, are just a part of it. I mean words are only one dimension, sure they have a slight influence, but compared to every other point that also has it, summed up, words are like nothing, they come and go, while this world is still here. Words are also energy. They come and they go.

Point that i'm trying to make is that sometimes i'd do something that i'd think is good. I'd not care if all hell would broke loose, as long as intention was aligned to an acceptable end result, for me of course. And since was so "no matter what i do it is always from the point of self interest", and yes this would also include others since i had pretty bad experience with others pushing me around, i'd think myself a dumb dumb dumb, if i'd believe that others can't somehow get back at me for what my limited self interest would cause to them. I can't explain it but in the past i did sometimes manage to do really bad things to others, yes because it felt good, thinking that i'll even or balance things out, but the guilt of knowing that i'd not like that, that would happen to me personally would just eat me alive. Lately i have stopped eating me on that account, but there are other problems that nag me.
So what i really wanted to test out if good pays back with good and bad with bad. In the moment of action i usually don't know if i do a good or a bad thing. This is probably because things need a bit more time to give answers, but what i did found out is how a simple lie can cause havoc that is completely pointless but regardless there is no protection from such occurrences. I personally decided some time ago to just not give a care about anything, but i'd still face moments where i'd have to care, like i had no other choice but to care, or i'd loose something good and or gained something bad.

This made me think is how pointlessly this individual gave me information how another individual made something bad. They weren't aware at the time, but what actually happened was that they forgot to check if this was true. And i because me is me, and i eventually spew out everything i hear, especially if others would say that i shouldn't relayed information forward, and the individual that received it got a bit of a shock because they firmly believed in their work and now their actions were being questioned. They didn't make the mistake, the individual blaming them did. Yet it caused them worry. So it is interesting to me that believing a lie without knowing it can cause so much mental harm.

This then brings me back to point i was initially describing. I found myself in a story again. It is basically the usual routine where nothing is personal and individuals that are described can find themselves through a story and this time I again found myself, though i don't know if was being thought about when the story was shared, but even if i wasn't, it opened up something for me, that went in the lines of me behaving in such a way where i'd cause fear, and individual that was afraid managed to convince others in my ill intentions. First of, from someone's perspective i'll always have ill intentions. Second, (this should be the actual first of) the amount of energy i invested, to not be conflict especially to those that i were interested in affecting, showing respect to things that from my point of view had no relevance what so ever, yet i had no choice but to believe in them, basically go against my own beliefs just because i thought that this is it. I don't care what i do to myself with my words and how seeds that i plant others throw away. probably it is better that way, but i'd be a fool to think that i intentionally do bad. Thing is, that i intentionally tried to do good, and it turned out bad. Would me doing bad turned out even worse? Or is there something i simply don't know that would make things run smooth and well for me from that aspect. What really bothers me is that what i am is somehow causing me to fail at creating a relationship with another out of love. I mean here i am liking someone, then i'd intentionally show myself to see if i'd be liked back, and then what i actually do when i express what i think is my honest way of seeing things is fear. I mean truth hurts, but in no way, despite feeling and emotion having a possibility to be a tool for manipulation, are they reliable. What we internally feel is only a part of the picture and i don't know why, i'll never believe that making whole picture on basis of what feels good thing. Though i am aware that some pictures consist of only that. Why the hell did I wanted to be loved by someone and would then intentionally try to make up words backed up by excuses to make the one i'd have a crush on, feel fear? Was it me wanting to see how i'll be handled? Was me wanting to see if that fear would be forgiven and would never bother them? Was it because i saw myself in fear towards them and would intentionally try to sent the package back? Did i act in vengeance? I don't know what is up with me on that account but it certainly revealed a picture to me that i've faced many times before with relation to relationships. I mean how i imagined relationship is having sex and a communication that is the same as talking to a normal friend, nice and easy. It is really annoying to me that i'm probably looked at as some guy that is just throwing himself after some girl that gets more or less annoyed by him. And information of probably me causing fear to another is just another +1 reason why i'll never fulfil my self interest.

It is interesting however that the more i tried to make myself a part of something, the further away i pushed the point. I know that this is only because i know i want to be right in something. I mean i do what i think is good, and i do bad. I know it only has to be good enough to be right, and perfection is easy to imagine within the mind, but in the real deal action will always sway a bit away. Personally what i had most issues with digesting is that my action caused a reaction. And since i know i tried to cover so many emotions and feelings towards others that i'd share myself with to show that i somehow know what the jam is about, but i don't know why these things that seem to hold like some sort of mechanism simply don't. I personally think it is at the begging of an experience where one know where to go with something, and no matter what happens after it that will hold most influence on decision making processes. Though some of such things kind of died within me, i'd later find out i am still pretty sure i can rebirth them, and if needed let them go again.

So what additionally bothers me now is the fact that i kind of went the opposite way, and instead of making a name for myself, i kind of suck at that point. I mean when i said i'll destroy myself i meant physically because of kind of "dangerous" (it is not if you use your head right) job that i have, and the will that i intentionally use to really work hard, like physically hard. I wanted to see if i collapse from physical exhaustion, but i'm no where near that at the moment. What i managed to do is kind of destroyed myself mentally as a picture in the minds of others, by simply behaving in a wrong way. I still ask myself if that is in fact so, about wrong behaviour, or is it simply all that suppressed stuff that just a consequence of my hidden backchat that is supposedly spiteful. But i don't get that. I am perfectly fine with others self forgiving themselves. I'd never say not to do it. I just think that forgiving oneself is but a trick, or how should i put it to accept usually something bad and not let it bury you mentally. Bad stuff will continue to happen whether we like it or not, so will the good, in fact i don't believe that there is any cure that would save us from experiencing the future. Please stop fearing me.

Heh i feel like no matter what i say it will only make matters worse. It is interesting how freeing what i believe the truth is for me, yet it causes such a consequence. It is interesting though about equality and everything, when i listen to recordings it is like one recording wants to influence me, but when i write to hopefully influence the one that is recording i feel like i'll be only taken on a ride. What kind of a ride? It is interesting that i in the past was so scared of others looking at my writings, and now that the number has dropped and i basically faced what i was afraid of. It is because i know I've said something wrong that make others not like me so much, but on the other hand fear of influence dropped along with it, since there is hardly any kind of influence i have now. I don't know why i keep believing that is a good thing, but maybe just maybe i am actually at least right about the point. But it does reveal how much i still mindfuck myself when i try to find reasons for things that i don't really know why they manifested.

It is also interesting that what is truth to me is not smelling good at all for others. I don't know why i believe in letting bad things to happen. I mean i do bad choices, actions too, but not all the time. And to think of all the people that can or are intentionally doing that, and me passively letting them. It makes more sense to me that i work on myself than to be bothered what others do, and i'm deliberately not around, because i'd rather for instance play games. If others touch me and cause me harm, i just don't care anymore, even if i did i'd probably not have any power to crate behavioural change within them. Though i did experience a case where an individual throughout their whole life did things that eventually caused them to be completely inactive. They told me that they don't really know what they did that would make them look like complete wreck. It just somehow slowly accumulated to a point of complete giving up, not knowing what to do, not having any kind of hopes, dreams, ideas, points, or purposes, but to wonder about what is wrong with them. I suggested many things, even DIP, or even telling them how we do self forgiveness out loud. I had a sweet reaction telling him that loud, but then i remembered that i don't believe in its workings. (Isn't it a kind of a mess that i react towards something that is suppose to stop them?). And while i get told that when i believe something is actually a beLIEf, what is then that to me if i believe in working of self forgiveness. If i were a computer, i'd be having an internal system error. Things in reality just don't go that way. Either something is or is not. There is not a real third option. If there is a third option there are probably many more, but then it always comes down to doing or not doing it, so we are left with yes or no. Being somewhere in between only shows uncertainty in an action.

What bothers me most is how this point of having something that others would want to have, there is literally nothing that they wouldn't do that needed to be done to get to it. I mean i was like that. I wanted to be a part of something just because of this desire to try out how i'd be hanging out with a particular individual. There were so many things that i knew stood in my way and against that there was no way in the world that i'd make it. It is just this crappy belief that stood in my way that maybe i'm missing something here, and that it would be better to accept all those things that i had a reaction of seeing it as something pointless, or in a long run useless, yet what i was aiming for that certain things if there is a long run, really run for a long time. This would automatically, it is logical indeed mean, that either everything will change according to what this individual would believe in or individual that knew something is working would eventually stop working. And what stops working simply means that there is some better way that actually works, or its workings are no longer asked for, maybe it worked at all, it is just a belief that literally made it work. This to me was the latest addition of knowledge on the topic of "magical".

Personally, my experience is what i believe in and i am kind of aware that not everything is crystal clear to me, meaning i too am probably doing something wrong. But if i'll find out it would be that much better for me. And i know i can't know everything. The way i see it is that i could intentionally go and play on the minds of others to set them on a direction, but practically what really happens is that i have no idea why some things just work out just like that, when i'd in the past really push myself into them would not happen for some reason, and now they just do. I don't understand why i don't understand. I don't understand why others would think me doing something intentionally bad to them. I don't even know why what i think is truth and totally sensible for me would cause so much fear in others.

When i Desteni, (verb) it is completely the same thing like when i family. I had some self chat about the topic of God. I come one day to my grandma's kitchen and i say it is stupid to believe in God or anything greater than us here. I mean surely a brick to the head can kill, or some simple malfunction. And once i heard that God loves us all that is why he or she or it doesn't do anything about when talked abut badly, while we in reality know that there are people that just swallow down bad words, and some that become really angry by slightest misalignment of reality. What happened when i spoke those words was normally anger. Instead that this time it was about something completely mental and more of a food for mind than anything touchable. I believe same happens to me with the point of self forgiveness, where i simply believe that is one that decides to act in some reaction, like being expressive and having a feeling to it, adds more intent or some kind of force to the otherwise already intended action, I know i've became i bit more reckless with my words, but the only reason i was not so from the start is because of being afraid of the people of the world, like I've done something bad to them, because of being such a smart ass on YT. Of this individual that i accidentally let myself have a crush on (paradox), and this energy thingy that was sort of a message for me of me really not having any idea what kind of situation i am dealing with. Basically i was a nervous wreck and i was mostly afraid of everything there is, and probably some things that are not, and now after half a decade i feel not afraid at all. I mean i still get scared, but that imaginary force seems to not have any effects. I kind of see myself already done for, in my lifestyle, i don't know what to change about me. I know i can easily find points i could but i am just too exhausted. I just sort the necessary ones out on the way and i have an idea that this will still come after me, and until then i'll simply enjoy not having a paranormal life. I still kind of have to convince myself to write about something. Still am not completely sure if it would be better to remove myself, as it seems this is the thing lately after being criticised, or i don't know what part of my imagination still things me doing that will be the worst choice of them all. Removing myself, meaning stop writing and participating.

Personally though despite my secret intents, that i imagined some saw so spiteful, it was way to banal, if that was the case to create such a huge problem out of one irresponsible reaction that i still don't know how they actually function. It is like completely my fault that i fell for something, like it was intentionally made in a way that supposed to be liked, and i went i think too far with this liking thing. It is not that i don't like it anymore it is just i am feeling a bit dimensional from a Destionian vocabulary. Like there is this brown mix of everything and i don't really know what to make of it, but it really tastes great, lots of spices, sweet, stuff, and despite having some digestion problems at the start I lately got quite used to it.

Personally i'd recommend this walk to everyone and anyone. It gives lots of experience but it is hard work on self. I personally had lots of resistances and i had to find a point for myself to live through. It is kind of a like a purpose, but i don't know if it is it. Though i know i needed lots of reason to go along. Maybe it is simply because i lately feel so pointless that i started questioning things i'd in the past not dare to. I think this arrogance got to me completely. I am somehow still aware that what another feels plays a bigger role than what another says. For words to be heard, one needs a silent inner and outer environment to not ruin the message. I'm saying this because today we literally have to yell at each other to hear, because some machines are loud, I couldn't hear half of what was said yet i'd nod as if i'd understand what was being said.

I short i feel exactly as B would say it in the past. It is like giving up on the inside. I don't know if i exhausted myself to a point that made me just give up, or this process really works. Though lately i did so little self forgiveness in writing and speaking. I also find an excuse to see if i can do my life without it. Though i am also considering a second option of only writing in SF now, just to see what happens if i do it for a really long time. Like will my relationship towards it stay in the head of others or will they change opinion about me with relation to my relationship towards self forgiveness. But it is amazing how love messes things up. What i create in my backchat is that if i would express one type of love, it would be regarded as something different, probably opposite in the minds of others, and if i were trying to relay that type of love what i'd believe others would think about i'd again be not believed in. I mean when i say that i don't know what wrong i did to make things go this way, i am also stating that i believe that i did nothing wrong, yet there is no problem for me to find excuses how literally everything i ever did is wrong wrong wrong... If i feel nothing with that, do i have to forgive myself, or i have to forgive myself cause otherwise this thing called collective consequence will again face me and i'll again try to fix it with words. I did have intentions to cause fear, and if i did that successfully it was only probably because of wanting to see what happens. Funny, i got shit scared now that i think the past of it. i guess i wanted to at least feel special about myself. Like for instance people keep treating me with all sorts of threats throughout my whole life. I personally believe it is a normal case scenario for most of life. What i wanted to be special in, is scaring and then doing nothing really. I mean why is that that to some people we have no problem with treating them that way, while towards others it would be such a mental resistance to do it. I don't get how we'll ever establish equality if i would for instance believe in someone more than me, because on the bottom line i do, but that more than me is actually a living being that i kind of depend on, and there are beings that are less than me, that i personally would never obey a command from, though i just gave myself an idea to do this more often.

Reality is not the problem, only the picture of the mind about reality is. From one sense they are both, from another it couldn't go any other way, simply because it is the way it is. How to fix it i honestly have no idea. I personally though just doing good for me and the rest is enough. To check if each and every one agrees on something is impossible. Thus i have to imagine what is the right thing to do. And my imagination, well hopefully you didn't read my past blogs, so you don't have the problem of knowing how mentally screwed i am. I don't even worry about it anymore, i was consistently told so, and now that i am, i can't help but wonder that this is not yet the worst of it. I only hope that there is someone out there that gets me, like understands me why it is such a struggle for me to on, one hand wanna walk with something, and on the other not completely getting along. How am i suppose to walk with something that i don't get along.... I'll just walk with and see what happens...probably nothing, hopefully something eventful. But it is interesting to loose things, though how can you loose something if anything that is ever done creates some sort of consequence, and no matter what it is i either way don't know about it.

I was doing a more complicated thing today. The guy i helped, or supposed to help asked me a couple of times if i was in love that i couldn't keep up with things i supposed to do.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 02 Nov 2016, 19:32

Dy 804: Writing for my soul
I noticed today how i got into a worry because of judging myself as not writing enough. It is interesting how a part of me still goes back into past and creates this experience, that if i won't write, i won't cause any influence. Like at the start i literally believed that if i were not to write at all, meaning my blog, my life would only degrade more, like if i were not to write i'd cause myself some hell of a hell. Then again i could easily imagine (i don't dare say foresee) that same kind of consequence if i were to write, because i know i have a big mouth and have no issues expressing myself even if it is truly wrong in ways where not even i like me very much.

I found myself again being gullible towards myself. I did a really bad thing. It could be worse, but was bad never the less. I pushed some button at work on a control panel that turns the table. One guy was just being bent over it, welding parts and he nearly got killed. At least i saw him already dead. Luckily he saved himself before he got picked up and turned around. He also managed to save the welding gun. Me and that worker don't understand each other very well. Either my hearing is bad or coworker doesn't say things loud and clear enough. And besides that, there are loud fans for constant flow of fresh air, and two workstations down there is a machine that sounds bit like listening to techno, or drum'n base, but a bit louder than usual club sound or at least what the scene was like when i was a "night bird". In all that noise it is really hard to understand what people usually yell out. He said one word, I asked what, he moved his hands in an arch shape, i though "turn the table", i pushed the button and he nearly got pulled into a roll. God know what would have happened. I felt nervous, a bit of fear, but definitely confused. I went on a short break, did some SF in a quiet corner. Then i thought how hypocritical i still am. There i was just standing for how SF is not working, but i'd still speak it out loud hoping that it would. It took me a few hours to get myself back together again. I could name a few more reasons why that happened but are not so significant as the one of not understanding right, and not interpreting gestures in the same way others think they will be interpreted. I was happy that no one got hurt. But it was really a close call.

I remember how "smart" i tried to be, how people need tricking, well at least i needed that to come to a certain understanding. Well the whole SF thing, i once thought about it as a trick. I mean if one gets attached to certain kind of energy, and there is none that can help them, until one day a certain guy comes and sates "just forgive yourself" and "that works". Then the self forgiving is done, and the energy stops cursing the victim. Wouldn't it be interesting that the guy suggesting SF would then state the opposite that SF doesn't actually work. But the result is there. What is it then about the possessed guy that did it, basically was tricked into something and it actually showed him that he knew what he had to do the whole time, it is like he didn't wanted to. I mean the point i wanna say is that if one gets oneself into a mess, then surely one can get out of it. I personally think that there is something else that we do to ourselves to get attached to something or let go of it. And words have a play too, even thoughts, but willing it, that is the real trick. It was still interesting to me how i still get defined by reactions, and despite not generally believing in workings of SF, though it did also influence its charm on me, i'd still do it in hopes i get out of that unpleasant sensation. But i do have to add that it was far less intense than that energy thingy on my forehead had caused me. Still it was shocking.
It is interesting how i trick myself into an energetic state. Simply by thinking, and believing i think right, or something, I don't actually know what else could be between my experience and the reaction towards it that would be causing it.

Another point that bugged me again, if not like always is relationships. Personally i think i figured it out. My main problem is that i don't know how to behave, and while wanting to be original, i have no idea how to be that in those specific "moments of opportunity", I mean if everything else doesn't mess me up besides me, this point will. It is like the love that you feel possess you so, that nothing would ever be perfect enough to pay back for it. I personally just don't know what to say, to make someone feel the same way. I think this uncertainty within me that i won't behave the correct way leaves me clueless and unable to move. At least it was so in the past. Lately I've not had the pleasure to give myself such an encounter. I mean i literally did curse myself because of a principle, but i don't care what else will get dragged along with it.

Also i identified my point of internal mess. Point is that I've created a certain desire within me. It is a desire to create something. It is interesting how much i bother myself with points of its support and its hindrance. Basically all this time I was messing myself up because of believing in points that would prove or disprove me if i was on the right way to make my "dream" come true. I mean, in the past this point went so far, i'd go into war with others, like in a way wanting them to know that they weren't exactly treating me right. On one hand i'd be told how certain things are going down, and on the other i'd not be allowed to contribute anything on my own to make them go that way. It was a joke to some, but that bandage got dirty soon enough, And bandages need replacement, and so thing got a bit more stretched and extended, at least for me, though i must say i'd have no problem starting a new opportunity for me. But not just yet. I have other interests now. And besides there has to be some random "magical" component to it that can't be expected. Each time i'd plan things ahead when i'd look for a relationship, things would usually not work out. Or maybe they did, it was just me that didn't saw it the way, or simply my behaviour. For me it is kind of like learning new words, where even if i do get interested in their meaning, i'd still forget them, despite promising myself that i'll remember them and use them practically someday. Usually i'd repeat them three times in my head or even loud, and i know that i'd still forget them. That is, when i actually take the time and decide that they would be useful for me, even if not, who knows... I guess this is the way that i learn of how to behave towards women, and i just hope one day i'll make something of it. I mean it is pointless then for me to find a way and not use it. Or maybe that is the key, maybe i should try the opposite.

But, in all this mind mess of data, there was another memory of how a certain individual treated me. It is a memory that i can't forget. Basically i got hurt, and then because i whined about it, i got hurt a bit more. The individual have themselves for a good christian catholic or what is the religion, and usually all the good things is their doing, and it is hard for them to admit to anything wrong. They are cunning and easily find an excuse for a bad thing to make it look as good. All the other bad things bad things are fault of others... It kind of sums it up. I know it is kind of extreme. I mean, i know none of us is exactly a polished diamond, but this is just too much in moments for me to handle. The amount of self forgiveness i did on the reactions i have towards this individual is like everything compared to my disastrous love attempts. I admit i still react. Like every time there is something new that would poke me right in the eye, i just explode. I'd lie if i'd say that SF and commitments changed me in any way whatsoever. What does save me is a simple decision beforehand that i'll behave, even if they run out of their voice on me. Anyway. point is that this individual is a woman, and i kind of generalised her behaviour on every other woman (my mistake) and i can't help emoting that each one underneath that nice behaviour, don't get me wrong she works constantly is very caring, and no matter how bad i behaved towards her she would always give me a clean slate, it is just as things develop, i always kind of mess up myself and then just explode in anger, but yea she can be down right evil. It is actually what bothers me. I mean turn on TV and watch commercials for women that sell beauty things. It is like this heavenly angelic force being promoted while the product gets the best score. But then when i compare that with what i saw in reality it kind of screws that movie up. I personally don't know how i use this as an excuse. But i did think in the past about the event, and fear just ate me whole thinking that one day i'll "even" it out. It is like i knew i forgave them, because i had "normal" interaction with them still after numerous bad events. It is just that notion of thinking what if reality will in time make things fair. Cause if that is the case i'd be sure as hell scared of all the bad things i'd do in the past. I know it is me again blaming that energetic part that we so much like to bathe in, but it is an interesting theme to ride the waves as they come. Some we wanna surf on and others we wanna get out of, but really can't. Probably cause they are so huge we keep falling until we get to the bottom of it. But generally i do try to remember not to say everything i think, cause that is what i want to blame on energy. It is like a release of sorts, that can cause quite a ripple, and i know each time i ride that train too lightly, i tend to drop into a disappointment towards myself because of allowing myself to be that way. Seeing myself as evil after simply judging others as that. It is like backchat always backfires on me.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 16 Nov 2016, 05:13

Day 806: Going on
There are lots of points that i'd like to share, but i'll share just a few and the most recent one.

First is about welding. I always wanted to learn how to weld. This is mostly due to my hand shake. Once I've heard that handshake became popular because people were not trusting each other. So each time unknown individuals would meet they would shake each others hands in order to check on one another that they didn't have a knife up their sleeve. My kind of hands shaking was so intense that when i tried out welding for the first time person showing me how to weld told me i'll never be able to do it because of my not calm hands. Recently teacher that i had, that taught me the basics of it, joked about it that i don't even have to cycle when i weld, like i just need to drag a straight line with the welding gun and my shaking would do the left and right movement along the way. What i learnt was that my hands were just not so strong that is why "nerve regulating system" of my body was never able to keep my hands calm. Another friend also told me that i have to be focused in my hands in order to keep them still. All of this kind of helped me reach that point where i know that i am able to weld. What also fascinated me about welding was the intensity of the light. As beautiful as it sounds, it was interesting to me that the amount of light can also make you go blind.

Thus "light and love" only type of thing is limiting because both of them can make you go blind. in darkness one is blind too. Thus i guess a bit of a mix up is enough to actually create something with both of the extremes, if nothing else but to experience a "matrix"

Another point that i found out is about yes/no type of thing. I was again working on pipe bending machine, and this one was more of a CNC type, with all the sensors, electronic and computer to run it. I was calibrating it while my master was observing it and when i was asked which way i should move the pipe (inward/outward) i first had a right answer in my head, but because i didn't understand it decided to give the other of the two possible answers. Of course it was wrong and before i'd just say the other possible and the right answer i decided that i want to understand why it is that before i'd just jump out with the correct one. It was simple to figure it out and i was more pleased with myself because i had one more understanding, than just knowing.

Third point is again about self forgiveness. Maybe i didn't liked it because i didn't understand it, or i don't know why i had such a doubtful reaction towards it. Maybe it was realisation that all those internal things that bothered me, making me feel unfulfilled or missing something or not stable enough would only be used (not against me) but making a picture that this is who i am and there is no change to them. I guess that is why i'd sometimes forgive things that really didn't need forgiveness, so that i'd "trick" others that point was a burden to me when it really wasn't. But i guess the most prominent one was about felling of love. I'd right about it, speak about it, think about and no matter what i'd still not been able to let go of it. It is really weird because what i believe with relation to love how others see it is that if this point doesn't get fulfilled individual in love would turn into an individual in rage or something. Personally i think that if this point gets too much attention it may become a burden where it starts to annoy others, that is within a successful love relationship between two, and if it the point get too little attention it will simply fade out. Maybe it fades out either way, but who knows maybe it just has to do with how this point is taken care for. So yea, this would probably be one of the reasons why i'd be stating that SF doens't really work. I'd just have trouble letting go of a certain crush, no matter how much i'd work on forgiving it. What is interesting is that stopping thinking about the crush did seem to get me forget it.

The fourth point, the recent one just came up within a dream. It is really interesting because no matter how i was told that dreams suppose to be this fake environment like some sort of illusion, they sometimes just feel so real. One point i don't get is that how could it be any different from reality (despite not being real, or maybe it is in another kind of existence), even if it is an illusion if individual experiencing it still behaves the same as if it was real. Point is that i've dreamt about this individual and this time i din't have any other kind of reaction towards them than being complete. It was really pleasant sensation. It is interesting that if this was somehow played out on me, or me playing out on me it would still be calming. I had such a nice hug with a certain individual, all the bad things i had towards them in my mind simply vanished, and i think everything lovely got recreated again. I may be going schizophrenic again and started my panic attack that because i feel love, others will see me as this potential unacceptable threat that will only eventually not know how to behave, like idea of love will not align the real of love, and my "imagination" will not get fulfilled and i'll then turn into rage, which i think is more unacceptable in the eyes of others. Either way what i think is that because i have feeling of love within me, i'll not get allowance to meet certain points and thus the gap or the distance will remain the same. Don't get me wrong i really wanna sort out some relationships with certain individuals that i think no matter what i say it only makes matters worse. I am afraid i'm being taken on an abusive ride, while hoping to sort things out. What is also weird to me is that for instance if there was no love involved i'd see no reason to get somewhere, but getting there requires stability which means no feeling or emotion. And i don't get how the very reason for doing something is in a way of doing it, like it creates conflict within me. Sure yes one can say there is no self interest involved in a case where doing something wouldn't cause any kind of happiness in the end, because if it does then it is self interested, simple because it is done by one to make one happy or whichever of the positive sensations. Sure i understand that there is fear that all those positives an be abused in order to meet i don't know what end, certainly not positive ones, but if i were to live like that i'd probably go insane to see all the positive reaction within me a lie that i believe in, while never getting it that eventually that is what i seek, to feel good about what kind of real consequence i create for myself, and not the lie. I mean i did lived through this in the past, where everything was so great and i'd feel great, while having enormous amount of fear within me just because of thinking that it is all a lie, and all those positives were created on a foundation of a lie. Like i didn't have any proof that it was a lie or the truth. It was more like a conglomeration of seeing it real and thinking it is not really at the same time. If i'd not have that doubt within myself i'd feel great (probably) but i had it and i felt not so great. Besides the point being simply complicated, and no matter how much i wanted to do SF to get rid of that feeling i didn't know where to start really and whatever point i'd gnaw on that was gnawing on me it was like nothing next to the whole that i wanted to forgive myself for it. Eventually through time i'd loose that feeling of stress and i don't know if SF had anything to do with it or not, but I did get better somehow. Maybe time was all that was needed to let the point go stable again. Also what i thought about SF at some point was more of an ignorance is bliss type of thing. Where if SF did work, to not make one react against something it was pretty much the same as ignoring something that it reality is bothersome. But more or less we only sort out problems with being preventive, and for where our imagination limits us, we become more curative. There really is no other way of solving problems. To jump back to the first point, i too had a series of fails before i learned how to weld appropriately. First time around i had about 10% success rate that was one out of ten welds was ok. In the end i managed to do nine out of ten welds, and even at that i didn't have to go back and fix that imperfect one, because it was also good enough.

But still i work on how to stay focused on job and not wander anywhere else in my head but with the relation to the point i'm doing. Even if i play pc games like WoW (world of Warcraft), i have same issues of doing it right if i am not completely there even if it is just an illusion. What was also interesting was that the other day when i engaged in a PvP (player vs player) battle i got my ass kicked and my heart was pounding like crazy. I'd speak SF loud and at the point where i wanted to address the struggle, my mind went numb and nothing came up within it like i'd not know what the point that was making my heart pound like crazy was and the moment when i did want to actually use my thinking and nothing came up, i'd also stop breathing for a second, and my heart also stopped. It was really interesting because as i'd drown in any other thought (word sounded within) again, but the one i'd search for, heart stated pounding like really strongly again. It was interesting to me how thinking / not thinking, breathing / not breathing influences the beating of a heart. What is even more interesting was that i realised that no matter how well I'd get used to something, i'd in time still get knocked off my feet, like get that initial reaction that i'd once got used to. So even getting used to something can fade away and starting again feels like doing it for the first time, despite knowing that it was once already done, in this case being used to and then forgetting it, or more getting unused to it.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 23 Nov 2016, 20:24

Day 807: Attraction games
Once i had a simple view of the world. You get born, you live as long as it takes and you die. What Desteni really opened my eyes to, was a possibility that is just not that simple. So the other option was that something was happening with you before you were born, then you live as long as it takes, and then something will happen to you after you die. Not just you, with all of us obviously. But this is only a theory, and even though i admit i had some paranormal or extraordinary experience, i do kind of without fact believe that there is always a consequence in the making, just by the way we live in each moment of time. So to further my theory, I then thought what happens if nothing really ever is completely still, and while it is hard to stop, then obvious outcomes are that no matter what gets created it is constantly "tested" or "used" or whatever and while that is happening there is a constant search to make it "more" as it is.

I mean if things work in such way, I'd in the past say to myself, hell i'll need to give not one or two or three chances to certain things, but possibly an infinite number of them, cause that a case of infinity demands. Again, if there is infinity. So usually people loose faith in things if they don't work out on third attempt, especially cause the "third" time is seen as the time where things usually finally work out. I mean there are people in my life that i argue with occasionally and the number of occasions is way more than just three, and i know i still had normal conversation with them, no matter if they sometimes literally wanted to screw my head of my neck. I was attracted to them through my dependence, and they to me with what little faith they had left in me, or something like that.

So, yes. I lied about previous time how unfulfilled love caused rage within me. I had a day or two of rage towards some people. but then i decided that at least i'll try to fix relationships with them if nothing else. I mean i know i am a crazy person, but this is nothing compared with some people i know. I don't even know if they are ruined, but i do have that hunch that because i was pushing myself into a certain direction, others liked me that much less, and see me more as a pushover than any "natural" and "fluent" "by the way random event". I saw it as a program that is somehow running the mind whether i like it or not, and i build it myself just for me. Anyway that rage that i couldn't control get on nerves to some people and while i was pricking about how fucked up my "relationship creation attempts" are especially with women, i got poked by this elderly lady, of when will i get kids before she dies. I whined a bit more and then she told me that the one will come without me even knowing it, and suddenly i felt great. No more worry how i need to "take control" and be "responsible" about this point if i wish to make it happen to me, and normally while i'll wait for that to happen, i'll like always try to fruitfully waste my time so that as many things will happen to me as possible. Then some moments past and a little bit younger lady came and told me that i'm too pushy and that is why no girl that i like really likes me. And again i was baffled. So literally i have to "care" for how much care i invest into some idea because too much makes me look like a freaking stalker, and too little shows no interest. What i now wander about is tolerances of this "allowed" behaviour. And after a few more moments passed the elderly lady started prompting me to find one as fast as i can, which was (by the way) complete opposite of what she told me before....

Confused by all this theory, i again found out that i'll have to kick my interest out the window, because the way i like to look at things usually only creates conflict in other people. I really have no idea why no matter the girl i get freaking nervous, like "i'm at a breaking point of a lifetime", and then nothing..

What i decided to do was to simply give this topic a rest. Slowly i started to see myself normal again from a point of looking at my stability, but i also started to see more and more crazy people around me. No offence to anyone, it tend to look at craziness as some natural part of the whole. Anyway one friend of mine found out he had a chronic disease of psychosis and schizophrenia. I hanged out with him a lot, he looked perfectly fine and smart, bit of a lazy ass like me. He experienced some rough times and it all led to this point, complete give up on oneself and using "the disease" as an excuse to not do anything, or not being able to do anything. I personally don't know how a pill can heal the being, but i do know that the pill makes the body ill and the body makes the being thrill, and the thrill is usually what is all about. So why do anything if drugs can do it for you. I don't know how many people will see me as spiteful shithead, but the rate psychiatry is making up, pardon finding out new diseased is astonishing. But at least the pharmacy firms get a nice profit from it. A bit of rage here, but what i did suggest to him was to take on the free DIP, but it is work on self, cause if it is not, then it is pointless to do it. I don't know if he tested it out or not. And the other guy i met, he was really inflated, it is interesting though how he simply forget it all like nothing happened, but the words he shared were really unreal. I was only scared that one day i might become like him, but there was another thought that i was already like him in some respect, even now jumping from one theme to another without any link between them.

I don't know how such individuals can be fixed. One could use force and kick them in the ass to motivate behavioural change, but in the long run each one has decide for oneself of how to live.

Another thing that was gnawing on me is the fact that i don't do anything for the bigger picture to make it better or more even. It is simply too complicated when considering what all contributes to making things more or less uneven. In the past i'd write about it more from a "have to, or else" point of view and this time the bureaucracy really started leaking in my ears, cause it is simply on the radio all the time. I mean it is interesting how banks whine they have a gap of money that needs filling while claiming clean profit is booming. National apparatus needs even more money and the only way forward is even more tax. Smells like something is in dire need of change and the more it changes the worse it gets. Certainly the currently set up way will never be good enough, i mean people need to do something, nobody can be still. Strange, suddenly stopping inner energy we feel, seems like the only solution, but we don't control it the way we think we do, like energy itself has a life of its own, but then where is responsibility for it. Maybe behind the scenes system is set up in such a way that the more energy defines ones action the more it take one on a ride in it, no matter the cost of collateral and eventually when end comes it leaves a balancing surprise for us all. Hell, i don't know what happens when death comes.

I mentioned this to one individual that usually dissed all i said with relation to the "paranormal" stuff, and yet when i mentioned about how the system is being studied and possibly influenced at Desteni, he actually said it is the right thing to do, cause in the long run he too only sees a huge fall of all if something is not corrected. And this is not just one point that needs fixing... there are many of them, and i'd add that the worst thing about it, possibly even the best that each one has to do it for oneself.

I mean, i know i had many doubts if i should trust other people, especially because of the way they behave and what kind of outlook they have of what is relevant. But eventually i figured out that if that is the way they work and they don't adjust to my way i should adjust to theirs. Of course that has no chance of working out, but how the hell could it, especially cause one needs knowledge and experience that i have little to none interest in getting. It is hard work to live that way, but i choose a different work, and it is also hard. I almost got killed today by a tipping pallet. Well if i'd be hit by it it certainly wouldn't be nice, i'd probably not die, i got really lucky nevertheless.

Another thing that went through my mind was how should approach fixing certain relationships. Should i will myself to fix them fast, or use the slow approach or simply wait for them to fix themselves, like waiting for the right opportunity. Maybe i should do more introspection of what i possibly do wrong, but i kind of think that some things just need time. Like completely forgetting about the problem and then time will hit me where i won't have a choice but to fix them.

Same problem is with fixing this world system. I kind of think that slowly climbing to points of influence is best choice, and maybe even that is more not having a choice but to do the right thing, though lately i am not so eager to move myself there. Mainly i'm trying to stay focused on job, and maybe someday it will hit me, but who knows. Sometimes i have worry that i'll just loose it like certain individuals i recently saw. But even they somehow managed to pull through. The only problem is consequence, and their change might need a bit more time to be trusted.

I was also thinking how my help, that certain individual asked for, might actually not be good. I basically don't know if i'm doing the right thing or not by helping them. I talked to them about it and due to time that passed between their need, and my reply they told me it was better i didn't come to their "rescue". But this was the first time i actually felt greed, thinking that i'll only loose if i give them what they were asking for, cause the state they were in i saw no future for them in which they would amount to paying me back. Though i too am bothered with not giving them the thing (it was not much), like i'd want to see what happens if i do what i was asked. Who knows maybe someday i'll find trouble again, and they will have the capacity to help me. But, then again, i don't know if help should be conditional. One can certainly decide to make it so. It again comes to knowing if it is the right thing to do from a long term point of view. Who knows the future? I don't, i suspect it, but that is in no way to be trusted. Maybe suspecting things is what messes up my focus, and in i don't look trustworthy simply because of trying to predict, be calculative and apathetic. I mean what else could i be in uncertainty such as this. I already had too much fear reactions towards uncertain future, so i just go day by day, i do pay respect to what might go down, but very little.

And about being in rage with someone, I've simply decided to stop participating in such thoughts, and even though they were short i still feel it may hit me someday yet again. What is also interesting that certain new dimensions opened up, where i saw myself really weird that i play such games of behaviour towards some individuals. I really don't get how i manage to keep up with so many different behaviour patterns. It is not schizophrenic, it is more how i saw them and how i think they deserve to experience me with relation to how i experienced them. I shouldn't forget about mistakes. Today my master told me that i should go back to south Africa. like i'm for no use with a joking remark. What i heard was that i should watch out at lunch of what i eat. Like i'd get my food messed with or something. Again paranoia came up, and i realised how i still get a panic attack, like other people are secretly plotting against me, always forgetting that if something is up it comes instantly and doesn't wait for flame to die out. Thing is that word south and lunch have same word in Slovenian language. One synonym of translation of lunch and a bit of bad hearing was enough for me to create a whole parade in my mind how i fucked up something, and others wouldn't tell me what, rather wait for right moment to pay back. I mean i read about this paranoia thingy how some people have it, i know i had it, i kind of suspect i still might get those moments, but the guy certainly laughed like hell at me once i told him what I've heard when being compared to what he said. I don't know how many times i hit this point of making energy look like it is everything when it is just as unreliable like logic. And energy in itself is pretty illogical, considering when it hits me i still feel it, i don't understand it how i can't stop it any other way but let it through or find some mind thought up solution so that i feel like i don't have to feel any more of the mental struggle. Like i'd know how to through mind manipulate myself into or out of certain energetic experiences, but it is always done in indescribable way. Closest would be a creation of understanding of why it is the way it is and then that would save me from feeling like crap. I don't dare to say nothing is wrong with me, if i know what kind of lies i create in my head and then god forbid even believe them. What is good though is that reality always shows the real deal, at least for me. Bottom line is fact of letting go of that illusion or lie of a mental projection may feel bad, but that is what happens with points that are not met for real. Come to think of it something good that is really just a illusion can't do anything else but hurt, like the realisation how i'd for instance believe a lie, and working on fulfilling it while being all happy how it will all come true, and when it doesn't a nice downfall. I'd forgive the sensations, and to no avail.

So in the end it is a decision of how to feel about something, as if that is the necessary step that needs to be done in order to stop certain patterned reactions. Like driving at high speed, or is it simply practise kind of thing where one gradually creates trust in oneself about something until one is no longer bothered with it.

But i do have, second thoughts about getting comfortable in certain kind of way of living where it would in a long run cause some problems. When i'd in the past say that i was amused in some activity what i was actually thinking when writing that was being mused into some action. It is interesting for me how i still wanna blame words of another yet i knew i had doubts, and despite them believe something i'd benefit from would happen to me. It was surely a mess, where i'd on one hand ask questions and on another don't believe the answers. What is constantly present is that sensation that i'm only talking to myself, like some weirdo kind of guy. Like i did wanted make some points i'd "figure out" more evident, but i mean how could inequality happen but through a way of having some beings more eager to do than others. Why because we price every single action we do, normally some being that constantly works on something will have a better fortune than some that don't. Maybe the workaholics should become more lazy, and lazy asses a bit more interested in work. Forcing equality is like going into conflict with everything that currently standing and normally nothing else can't be predicted out of this but even bigger gap between those who have and those who don't and considering that each of us moves the way we want, or wish or are able to, or must, and will keep moving on even if we stop for a really long time, the eternity and the "everything is possible" with it gives just that opportunity to from a stop move on, anywhere but being still. Though i'd say that even being still can be fitting for certain situations, but it is up one self to figure it out when, maybe stopping also comes up as a reaction.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 30 Nov 2016, 19:58

Day 808: Moving on
I am currently dealing with resistance towards writing again. I looked at a couple of old reasons why i even started, and now like with many other things i have trouble letting go of some of them, not to mention the new ones i come by just accidentally... Still i have to will myself to write, cause one part of me honestly doesn't want to do it. It is simply laziness that consumes me and that ideal to constantly have fun, cause writing certainly is not so much. I mean surely i feel hype at some points when writing out me, or venting me, or whatever, but there is that other side that needs to be taken seriously and that is how my words influence others. I already get bored at this, but no matter how insignificant words are to me, they still touch me, like make me feel things, no matter how i think this or that way about them, there is that initial jolt that i get when i read something, even if i get bored. Getting bored is in its own way a trigger that makes me stop reading.

I realised this point about me how i'd in the past forgive myself (cause it was like most sensible things to write considering that i'd not know what consequences are manifested by it), I'd mostly forgive myself in a way where i'd first take a look at a reaction that i'd manifest as a "response" or a "feel" what someone else would "wake up" within me, be it rage, happiness, sadness, guilt.... and usually i'd try go thinking how it was their fault to make me feel that way, I mean all they did was talk specific context and i'd specifically react towards it. But because i was self interestingly oriented, I knew that any kind of blame towards this specific being would only shut the door of opportunity and my self interest would not get satisfied. It is really interesting because all i'd do is look a bit beforehand what i'd have influence on within me, and made me the reason to make the being i was reacting towards hands clean. It made most sense to me given the fact that i don't understand women pretty well. Anyway, my ideals drowned to the bottom of my sea of delusions, are still rotting there, and here and there i remind myself about them, though i instantly want to forget despite knowing there are some unsettling things that need attention to sort them out. Maybe that is why they keep surfacing and occupy my mind, here and there. Luckily i found myself many things to occupy myself with and i usually forget about puzzling problems i know i need, no want to sort out.

Going back to consequences of self forgiveness, i personally chewed up and spewed out all the reasons why yes and why not except the one that it is itself, which is forgiveness towards self. I mean i may write a book about it how i think it doesn't work, but there is that undeniable fact that there were many things in my life that i was really worried about and how else would i describe that decision to stop worry about something but forgiving it, letting it go, not being burdened by it anymore... Surely i had many manipulation tactics towards myself to change my experience within me, but i was always aware that it took some "introspection" and "will" to, I'd say decide, but once i was told that there is no choice really, or if there is there is such a small insignificant amount of it.
There is another consequence, or side effect of speaking self forgiveness out loud, and one literally has to be deaf to have a reason to ignore it. I once thought that speaking words aloud makes one react towards those words and that does the trick of making one feel a certain way, lets say lighter. Another effect is that when one is speaking SF out loud you actually practising talking your own thoughts out, as they come up which is not bad at all, with regards towards linguistics skills. I personally did some self forgiveness in English out loud, and though i did find it useless at settling my panic attacks (maybe i wasn't honest enough), i did however in my unawareness practise English in a way. And considering what i am going through right now, it is pretty damn awesome. My tongue doesn't stuck much and i have no problems speaking words that come up in my mind. As i see it it is just like any kind of practise where you'll only know how to do something (speak a word) if that is being practised a couple of times at least.

What i really wanted to firstly talk about is action reaction sequence. I realised that just as thoughts generate energy, there is that other way where energy generates thoughts. This made things a bit more opened up for me cause it is easier to understand how one domino falls and all that are near that one fall as well. I used to think that because i think, i then felt something towards my thought up creation. Even before that i believed (please don't think i'm crazy) that there are literal storms of unseen energy that hits a body like a cloud and then body i mean you as a body feel that cloud of energy. Like there is a outside trigger that makes one feel anger or aroused or happy or whatever. What i really want to say was that one can say a word or do something to another and that makes another feel certain way. And then regardless if intent was successfully relayed that kind of behaviour sort of spreads on like a "disease" if it is not so pleasant, or "goodness" if it is pleasant. And what eventually happens is that through many happenings of "copy pasted" behaviour one can literally experience that which one has shared, be it good or bad. It is a sort of karma that spreads around like a wild idea. I just thought that maybe if someone does something bad to me, even through a simple mistake, if i in any way "share the love" i just redirect the responsibility of stopping that ill will onto the next that i'd perhaps share that malignant behaviour with. And if that person doesn't stop it or anyone after them, then surely it will all someday get back to me. I mean it may simply be a mistake that would mutate in to a spiteful intent just because someone would decide to look at it that way, despite knowing they don't really know if what they believe in is truly real, but who would want to sacrifice such a big thing for such a small fix. It is kind of strange to then think that maybe these things accumulate in individuals that are stopping so many negative things. What if there is no real tool to prevent suppression, or maybe it is simply will of one that decides of how to act, behave or be, i mean i saw myself going demon mode for the tiniest of reasons, and not giving a damn when everything went against me and i actually had a sufficient reason to go berserk but simply didn't because i saw it as to cliche. I don't think there is a formula, like in part there is that mechanism that makes those who understand it use it to "manipulate" but all in all if a being decides to be aware for instance there is no one but them that can stop them from being what they are.

Another thing that happened was me thinking that i'm not afraid anymore, and through past week new points emerged one by one. Points that would make me feel a fear. It is interesting how i made myself believed i am "cured" from feeling fear and now i won't have anyone telling me that i should do SF on it. I literally believed that doing SF will make me stop feeling things. Maybe i only became more aware of what i feel, or feeling more comfortable after doing it, like some said it works on them, that they feel lighter if they speak it. My personal mindstorm didn't gave me that pleasure, but it is interesting that i thought i'll never be mentally well again, and now it is not so bad, then again everyone has personal problems or so i was told. And now i see that there will always be something to self forgive. I definitely won't make it a daily meal, cause if i didn't need it before, maybe i'll still need it ahead, or maybe i'll just forget it.

Some of many things that also appear in my mind are also really negative still. Obvious reason is unfulfilled self interest. How i usually morph it is that i become aware that i'm just not who i'd should be in order to "get it" and then when all that energy "introverts" into me because of that reason within me, and not within another that i'd firstly usually project that energy towards, and within this whole possession all i usually have left is to stop it, calm down, let it go, whatever you wanna call it, and move one while remembering to work on that point that i think was the reason to make things go the way they did. I mean maybe i'm not seeing the whole picture and the reason within me i think is the cause of what I've gone through is not even the right one, hell it might not even be within me, but within another and that is where i have no call at all.

Just one more point then i stop. I almost fell asleep today while waiting for dinner to happen. It was interesting how in that half asleep and half awake state i'd "hear" voices that sounded like some people i knew, and even though i don't know what the hell they were saying (i don't remember) it was really weird, cause i know i was sleeping and yet it didn't look to me like i was making them but someone within my mind (probably just me), yet the sound of tone was exactly like one of my friends. This got me thinking how similar it was when i was a little kid, it was exactly the same i'd go to bed to sleep then i'd think and like slip into a conversation with all these different voices, like they wouldn't be mine, yet i did give it a thought how strange feeling it is to hear something in your head and then think it is not you making these thoughts. Cause i mean wouldn't this be chaos if beings would think that they are not ones that are creating their thoughts. I personally don't get it, cause even if situation was such where beings would not create thoughts, but someone else would for them, wouldn't it still be obvious that despite the "voices in the head" you'd have to clean the dishes, or someone else that would also have "voices in the head" would have to otherwise you'd have to eat from a dirty dish. I mean the whole name of the game that i thought was being played with regards to self change was what kind of mind creations and real creations we participate in and how to manage that on your own accord. And then here i am talking about my "voices in the head" that i now don't even remember yet were so real i could hear them. How do you stop that? I took a nap for a reason to plug myself out and what happened was like i'd plug myself out of something and plug into something else. I don't get that. Is there really just a game being played or is the "problem" just natural and at that it is not really a problem. I was told once that i am so without a point and that is why i choose impossible goals to occupy myself with something and fill in my time. Today i had a new idea. Well it is not an idea. It is more waiting for seeing if some things will happen in next couple of decades, and using the consequences to realise some goal that in the past didn't have a chance being realised.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 07 Dec 2016, 12:19

Day 809: And towards competition
At a point of my life i was suggested to look at the point of competition. I kind of wanted to avoid opening up the point and despite me being interested in opening it up. As reference, I partially experienced certain individual that really excelled in specific field and how their commitment to become really good at what they did pushed them up to near very peak of the ladder in that activity. Obviously taking into consideration as many as possible logically predictable influences made them create a consequence through which they expressed their commitment and results were mind blowing, at least to me. On one hand there was a lot of theory that needed being researched each time (because certain condition were ever changing, yet sensibly "calculated" - weather) and on the other hand years of experience practically allowed them to have a really good feel for the thing. I mean i could each time be astonished for what they did, and as the time passed by i experienced less and less of the hype that was initially there. It was almost normal for me that i wasn't surprised anymore, not that i'd see myself taking their activity as less and less, i just stopped reacting with excitement towards what i saw. It didn't matter if they'd win or be somewhere in the middle, even at the bottom. It was their fun and all i could do was either observe them, or focus on my own meddle. One time i had an opportunity to take a ride with them. The preparations that took place made me realise how many influences had to be taken in to a responsible consideration in order to achieve desired result. I didn't realise it by then, but that individual deliberately made a "mistake" yet they actually deliberately made few adjustments so that they would not "win" the race. It was like calculating of how to move in order to fall into a certain spot that was not on top. I think their intent was to let someone else win it. I also realise that ego may have played a role at it, like if they would want to win it the would, i mean who knows that even if they would pursue such an end it may not have gone through, but i spent lot of time thinking about what was the purpose of their action but to give someone else the opportunity to stand out, to let them feel that point of success. It was nothing serious, more like a hobby, a weekend activity to have fun time with.

All in all that experience also made me pursue such a goal. I mean i wanted to experience how does it feel like to be on the very top of some "sport". During that time i "sacrificed" a lot of other responsibilities just to invest even more time in my desire. Consequence delivered kind for bad grades in school even dropping out of university, and considering the fact of how much i was willing to compromise my real life for an virtual illusion, i do and don't regret it. Maybe i'd have a bit of a better career experience, but on the other hand my obsession with playing that pc game allowed me to test how i'd for instance behave under certain by me desired and from a systems point of view not "allowed" influences. I was really interested in seeing how certain imposed conditions would define my ability to progress or maintain a level of awareness within that activity. I also remember having this thinking pattern of me being observed by some unseen force and how i wanted to show "them" how good i am. Sometimes i remembered that i did it for me, not for others and sometimes i more wanted to affect the other, but then realised i still did it for me because what i'd be influenced by is how i'd imagine others being influenced by me and that would then influence me. It is like wanting to astonish someone else and through that experience then i'd feel good about it if I'd be successful in making them feel good or not. It is really a weird game being played come to think of it, but i guess that is what made me feel good about myself, despite it all just being a imagination of how the real thing is going on.

I guess this is pretty similar with the "bring it back to self", because no matter what excuse i'd make that i'd do something for another it would always in the end be reflected back to me, meaning even i'f i'd do something for another and then depending of how another would feel, i'd would certainly be defined by it. I mean there is sort of respect going on towards another despite the thing looking like i only do it for myself, meaning whatever i'd do is complete self interest. There is also another aspect that i think is playing a part and that is how i'd imagine the value of something. It may be monetary or completely mental, as some form of inner experience. Then again monetary value also contributes to inner experience, thus there are always those inner energetic values that we value the most. Even if they exist only for a moment or a longer period of time from my point of view i believe they are what we try to create the most, despite them being more or less completely dependant on the consequence that is being dealt with.

What i was also scare myself with is that if i'd for instance become really good in something like the very best, i'd screw up some other even better opportunity that i'd have a better experience with, that is why i never really wished to reach the top spot of anything, like i'd have no problem being obsessed about becoming near best, but would never allow myself to really "reach for the stars". On one hand there was fear that someone else with a same goal would start to play dirty, then again i guess if such things happen they are somehow allowed. I mean if i look at history that i know of it is obvious that most of the top shots ended up being envied or jealousy would struck those around them and leaders would be either cut down by those closest to them. I mean some died going drunk down the stairs and then breaking their neck, which was completely their movement problem, but i mean anything can happen, sometimes really planned out and other times just random unpredictable happen. It was interesting how i on one hand really wanted to stand out at at least one activity, like being completely obsessed about competition or how should i put it; wanting to prove to myself that i am able to be best at something, be it computer game, or whatever basically, and on the other hand fearing what that consequence would bring into existence that i would unavoidably face. But how would such a good thing have the ability to bring suffering to me? As if fear of unknown would mean more to me than that which i'd want to affect to make it happen. Like the side effects would mean more to me than the point i'd want to create in existence. At one point of my life i'd just decide to not care about it and i'll "go to hell" so to speak not really knowing if it would be it, i mean just as there is a unseen better potential, there has to be an unseen worse one, thus no matter how bad it would get there was always that idea within me that it could have been much worse than it is.

I can't help but to imagine what real responsible behaviour is like and then live it out, while knowing i might be missing something. I mean even if i do consider all of my experience i know that there are more complicated things that if i'd knew how to address they would bring better results, but i guess that is what time allows me or anyone to get to know. It is impossible to deliver everything in one go. I guess that is also the beauty of the unknown, that the digging for missing parameters allows you to have a really good experience of how things function in reality. So a good responsibility is the one that considers the most of what one had experience of and while stopping all the fears of what might go wrong because of obviously not knowing everything, and taking all the mishaps simply as something that needed being learned, and the unseen sacrifice that is made in the name of that as a necessary precaution, like some sort of a natural payment for school of life, that allows you to learn from it. Later on one can use that knowledge to create a bit more liveable consequence. I'm expressing plainly here, it is hard to generalise things especially because each influence generates a specific consequence and then if one sum them all up it is almost impossible to 100% predict specific outcomes. I mean that is how i see it, maybe some are able to make it completely predictable, but then the fun wears out pretty quick. It was always interesting to me how unknown yet to be seen results create much more excitement than something completely predictable. Responsible behaviour is a really tough word to live and I can't imagine anything else but a really long term commitment towards something. Hell, maybe it works in such a way that there isn't really anything else but to do it that way.

One thing I really don't wanna wanna touch within competition is playing dirty. Like opening up subject itself compromises whatever it is that i want to achieve, though there are moments sometimes where i don't really know what it is that i want to achieve. I mean i did sometimes saw myself playing it dirty for instance in pc games where i'd want to compromise another, knowing i might create even bigger havoc for myself while wanting to create havoc for another, but i mean isn't it better to invest time in trying to better myself than to invest time to worsen another? It is so much easier to destroy something than to create something better. While knowing that pushing limits up needs much more consideration than to push them down. It is well known that while two parties "fight" for survival the third can use the condition surpass both of them, given the right conditions. And considering that two or more working together have a much better chance of making something true than just one, no matter how good they are. All in all a am against compromising experience of another in order to not having me to deal with the harder road of only focusing on my progress. It is always kind of tricky i think. Sometimes i'd think that if something like that would happen to me, meaning someone else compromising my road instead of perfecting their own, i'd rather not know of it and simply try to deal with the given compromised conditions, as if they weren't even there than to know of it and ponder how i'd get back at them. But that is the whole point of fear that i'd have, being afraid of being too good at something, and making others feel like less then me when all in all it is not really so. This world is from all for all to experience and consequence and its ability to spread in all directions not just the one intended tunnel visioned one. And then there is the aspect of having some being that is more "competitive" or that is willing to put more into perfection than another, and this kind of creates inequality, i mean why would one that is fully hyped on bringing out their best be dragged down by some being that is completely uninterested in progress and being satisfied with what is currently standing. I agree there is a sort of healthy competition and being too obsessed with it can result in a complete calamity, and that there are moments where some that don't wanna push further simply need to be left behind and let them catch up a bit later on, or never at all. Sometimes as i'd play that pc game i'd deliberately join weaker teams with an intent to see if i could even the situation a bit, to make it a bit more interesting, hopefully. It is kind of boring to have one and the same players constantly on top. Like the predictable outcome becomes boring in itself, like it is not life anymore. And then there are mistakes that are not completely avoidable, and despite me being a bit calculating about them, like i'd wish for another to make them in order to prove not one is completely bullet proof from making them, or maybe so that i could use the opportunity to surpass them. But that is life i mean some advance here some fall there, there is no certainty and yet there is. I can't say i'm not responsible for what another does despite them being responsible for what they do. I am not another, i am me, yet this world has the ability to let influence of one affect all the rest and the rest influence another. Power is a tricky thing, too little of it makes you not create wanted results and too much of it either. It is really weird that sometimes i'd wish for shit to happen to me in order to use it as a reasons to stop myself, while other times it was something that i'd really wish that it would not happen to me. Maybe that is the point of sacrifice, that no matter how self destructive it looks it does in some aspect create that opportunity that gives everyone else a bit of an edge to move further. While the one sacrificing obviously falls a bit back. It is like a regulation procedure, where one does damage to oneself no matter how insane it looks before others do it on to one with force. Like with superiority and inferiority. Doesn't it look the same no matter how sadomasochistic it looks where one superior deliberately makes one inferior towards another that is beforehand considered inferior towards them, and let the one that is considered less to have a go at it to be seen as more. Isn't this humbleness. It is kind of insane but that is how it works. If you give too much you are left with nothing and if you take too much others are left with nothing and the suffering or the pleasure eventually forces one to make an equalising decision. It is almost as if one takes something one has to give something back, and if one gives something one has to take something back to keep things nice and even.

What we feel certainly makes up for why we do things from the get go, yet it is not the only worthy to be considered value. Bad things can happen on such a regular bases one has no other choice but to let go of certain limits, like fear for instance in order to fix the situation. Yet sometimes it seems like there is no way of controlling it but to dive in and have that bit of an even worse experience. The only unhealthy thing is to not be in it all of the time. The other day i again had that experience of staring at something not having any kind of think in my head, i did try to remember if i tried to think about anything and nothing came up. Like it is a sin if were completely blank and not thinking things out. It is a kind of empty experience, and while it seemed i was missing something, i actually in that moment didn't miss anything. And then thinking that i should constantly work on caring to create something out of what i was in, or where i was, it was actually just another possible experience that lasted and ended. I came to think of it as some sort of resting. I really forgot such moments can still come up.

I kind of cured myself from that intense worry of seeing no matter what i'd do it would create some sort of suffering for me in unseen future. I mean i still care about things it is just more tunnel visioned. I guess that focus on to one thing makes me less susceptible to all the others that i am kind of aware that need to be addressed, and without a doubt i know that they might still come around, and i don't really know if i'll be able to face them or not, I mean it is not like "i'll be ready" kind of thing, i't is more "i'll see if i'll be". It is certainly frustrating to think that i'm not competent to do certain kind of stuff, but maybe just maybe i'll be and i don't even know that i have it in me to face whatever might come up. Maybe it will never come up, thus it is kind of pointless to worry about impossible becoming possible. In a mind it is so easy to "simulate" or "imagine" how something will go, yet there is no real proof that it will go that way. Who knows, there is really no other way but to test whatever it is that requires it.

It is like responsibility. On one hand it is such a huge deal, almost fear having it around, and on the other hand when it comes to it and being in it, it is just a deal like any other. If there is really no choice avoiding it, why do i even consider me being afraid of it. I could look at it as an opportunity to grasp and expand on it, than something that i need to keep myself as far away from as possible. It is like giving up on being responsible is same as giving up on working on having a extraordinary experience. Come to think of it, it is just work like any other, and it is just something i'm not used to yet.

I mean imagine how it would look if everyone would compete in being the worst they could be. Creating hell would be a problem indeed. Wouldn't it be funny that if being bad would be a competition the worst at doing it would actually have the less of the suffering that the intended bad behaviour would supposedly create to exist in. I mean in reality physical simply doesn't allow one to exist, if damage is to great, so why a pursuit of a compromising experience?

For instance in Highlander movie a guy races through dimensions in order to kill other hes in order to survive, or something like that. Isn't reality just the same where life eats something that used to be alive (or still is) in order to survive. It is just on a bigger scale. It is pretty hell like existence come to think of it, but then considering how everything gets constantly recycled, there is really no other way but to move towards that "more" that is supposedly possible and we'd want to experience, like sometimes there is no choice but to in spite of the fact we really don't want to.

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