Day 821: Who made the word?
Was there anything else besides the word in the beginning? Despite knowing that i should stop certain mind chatter, creation of it made me face a realisation that whenever i create something emotional in my mind regarding judgements or projections i can when i remember or realise what i'm creating within myself simply stop creating it and then not dwell on it any longer. Even if I, after recollecting what i created judge myself as being negative or spiteful, and all that simply decide to not participate in it any longer and divert focus on something real that i participate in, I still remember myself as having a potential as being negative, but that fact that i decided to not dwell in it any longer and divert my intentions and interests of what i in that moment participate in, make me feel a bit accomplished from that point of view of changing in a moment.
I came to this point through remembering a certain thing that i made up in my youth when i first read Bible. One idea about god was that it is just an idea that fathoms all other ideas so it would win every time it would need to. From a certain point it was good because there was always a winning card to every game played conflict, but from another it was also a belief and those are capable of doing some real damage if they are of pure fiction. What i mean is that you can believe a lie to be the truth, simply because you can't prove it is a lie.
So when i brainwashed myself successfully with all the data Bible had to offer i kind of created my own idea that maybe one day i'll be able to use these beliefs that i believed other people believed in and try to "convince" others (not really knowing ever for a fact what others are really convinced in), meaning i'd believe i'd convince others but then simply if i'd actually be successful it try to even it out with excuse that all i did was pretend really good, be whoever others would like see and through that then try to explain that there is no such being as God, but something that is but a figment of people's imagination. Ok, there was always that possible outcome that whoever would believe in God and no matter which being would come to them and try to convince them they are God they wouldn't believe it so it is, sorry to say it but kind of dumb to believe in something that not one being would fit in, yet the belief is so alive it would constantly coordinate choices of a being. And yes i think that mind is a very logical thing, like a computer almost, but if everything is alive, like some conduit of force that decides into what force should be put into, it is in a sense quite predictable, considering that energy by default tries to spread evenly amongst things (the mathematical version at least) and beings that use and direct it try to usually focus it into one place to make something more out of it. I've heard that there suppose to be an endless source of it, and then i wondered where is the opposite factor of endless consumption since if there is none it would mean that everything just constantly accumulates out of nothing at all, i mean that endless source.
I went off topic a bit there but, main intent was to try and make others believe in something that doesn't really exist and then when the moment of truth would come i'd just simply explain myself as wanting to make others believe that a certain lie they would believe in is actually the truth. I know i was a bit egoistical but at least you could give me some credit to try and pretend that I was that "God" in the Bible that was written that some day will come to Earth. I mean i really worked on being good at everything i'd indulge in to let that speak for itself, and still as i'd learn new things, this fact that there is always a way to go deeper into it, no knowing of something really is not ever good enough, and can be considered as tip of the iceberg, no matter how specialised or tunnel visioned it is. I mean that was one of the starting points amongst many to make myself indulge into Desteni and all the theoretical developments that were going on. I for myself thought i did best i could. Actually when the "breakthrough" moment came and i experienced for the first time that there is something really mystical about what all exists, it was actually the thing that saved me from a certain perspective. Even though it scared the hell out of me. I mean imagine that you decide to not believe in something more and going on a rampage of disproving things and then experiencing something so unnatural that you almost want to believe is some greater force out there than you and due to stubbornness still decide to not believe in God, yet whole system is telling you that there is one, even body tells you like it is on and you decide that there is none. Isn't that simply confusing, like whole world knows that there is this hirearchical ladder that is good to be respected, but because it only exists as data in the head it basically is like nothing without reality in which it can "express" itself. So in a way because it is conditioned by reality it is less than it, but the belief in the head is so strong it becomes more than it because all it needs is a belief.
I mean i only thought about it, because i wanted, or tried to make a joke about how beliefs define us to a point where we fool ourselves to compromise us for others. I mean it is all about intended action. It is a completely different thing i suppose if you are doing choices out of being a blank slate, meaning you give no regard to your past and you make a choice out of that, or you let all those accumulated knowledge guide your way, being more and more constricted with it until you come to a point of no choice at all because there is only one way through that you believe in is the best, i mean there may be other ways but I didn't saw any for myself (was too blind). What i dreamt of was a world where i'd not have those back chats about how others want to screw my life into oblivion, meaning i'd simply regard others as being good beings. I think it was mainly connected with fears regarding elementary school, like social aspect of it made me sick sometimes what was going on. I may be exaggerating a bit. But the point was that i think i felt too oppressed, like all i'd do most of the time is what others would tell me, then again i always thought of what i should do by my own accord that would make me acceptable to me. So yea, me putting myself above others, even if it from a certain respect was a joke did automatically create a demand within me that i should put myself below them. I guess it is one of the reasons why i still write this blog. I mean besides being asked to do it, i also have my own interests to do it and i do it. It is like this, if someone tells me what to do i automatically regard them as them being my "guide" or "above" me while i know this idea only exist in my mind, and i am still perfectly aware that i can create hell of another through intent or simple mistake, if the case would be that i intent to create haven for them, and the other way around too, meaning another is capable of doing the same thing to me. So yes just as environment or other beings can define or influence a bit of change within you, you can do the same to them, to a certain extent cause there is always that part of you that also contributes to the influence of you. As i still think it is, it is not the mind that is evil or good, mind is more like a tool or idea of a tool that the being uses, and it is the being that is good or evil, depending in what way it generates influence on you, cause i mean there are evil things that happen and some see them as good and there are good things that happen and some see them as evil. I personally did give some regard to pros and cons of my actions but because i didn't see the bottom line of it i'd just decide on one thing and was willing to accept the consequences of my actions simply because i'd not know how they would manifest. I mean i did try to make a few predictions for myself and some came true actually, but there were also an array of them that didn't. So to a certain extent things are predictable, but not entirely.
One thing i don't regret is giving myself an opportunity to make fun out other people's beliefs that i don't know if they are or are not true, it is like just accepted as truth, yet there is no actual fact. I myself experienced such a "fact" a couple of times and i know i would always have that opportunity to decide that it is not good enough. I mean surely being zapped by energy is really just cool thing, but on the other hand it did blow my mind a bit. At least it opened a door for me where i'd slowly stop trying to disprove every magical thing out there that is usually doubted in at fist sight.
So once i was nicely packed in my own limits to have a really constricting life choices, i believe they are called principles, and i think it would take me eternity to put them all out on paper for another to read for instance, I am always willing to bend my own laws i believe in to make myself a bit easier path for me, no matter how worry what others would believe me to be along being hypocritical. I mean, I'd put my hand into fire for you but only to a certain extent, metaphorically speaking. Maybe i'd go in it whole if i'd really really like you, or not, like i'd not like you at all and i'd still "sacrifice" my will for yours. I mean it is just theorising, when the real thing happens it is usually improvising if its not something that is already drilled out. Yet things may still go astray no matter how well known they are in what way they were suppose to work out yet they don't. It is like many things walk along together and one of them not playing out right puts all the other things that are conditioned by it to also then go a bit different way, unless you have things that are really unconditioned by environment (despite being so, i mean point of relation is how different points affect each other, thus relationship), and only conditioned by themselves.
And then there was this idea that each living being is actually God, so there are really lots of God around, yet i ask how is it that we'd call ourselves something we believe in as "superior" yet we don't know how to exist and not destroy environment that conditions our existence, i mean there is nothing superior within that, it is actually stupid in a way. Where we are and what potential there is, and we gonna blow it all to hell, supposedly, i mean i heard a prediction that doesn't explain the mathematics behind it yet it does tell that it is mathematically calculated that we gonna destroy our own planet, not like in an instant way, but slowly with a momentum to it that will be difficult to stop. There is also a prediction that there is peak to it and after things will become better, then again i was also told that the source is not completely trust worthy and what i can see with my own eyes in environment where i live is like completely different thing, i mean some people struggle i admit, but business is absolutely booming. As i was told, if this is crisis it should last a bit longer, though i did hear that some parts of the world it is really bad. I personally don't have any solution to it, cause i have enough of my own work, and other stuff i'm interested in to do. I never planned to save anyone, only wanted to create what i thought was best for me, and i said to myself that if i'll make hell for me then that is what i'll deserve, conditioned by my own choices that i make. And i do understand that it may seem like manipulation but i had no problem inferiority myself or try to make my will onto another. If it worked, it did if not, i did try not to make it a huge deal no matter how much it make my ego hurt. But i mean i'd go even more crazy if i'd never have that chance to have a few moments of making another do what i willed, also i found it benefiting to let me do the bidding of another's will. I think it makes people realise that if I make myself inferior to them that they like me more, especially developing trust in my skills if i make it work right of whatever it is i do.
I mean that intent of trying to fool others that i'm some sort of God, or The One or, whatever that being was that was suppose to come that portal was talking about, it was just for fun from a certain respect. I didn't know i'll push myself down so much because i believed I pushed myself a bit too much up before hand. I guess I was a bit scared of people of influence cause I've heard many stories how power is used to get rid of competition, and besides that i didn't know if there was any actual such being, for all i know there might be, cause i mean there is no proof there is not such, Only thing that bothers me is how a supposed third party is willing to play out on its intent, regarding it is the source of an idea that is then told the second party that spreads the message to the first party and i don't exactly understand how this hierarchical structure works, because there is this thing called equality in the background, and further more what is the point of waiting, because if there is knowledge out there that suppose to work in saving us from ourselves and is not being shared because "we are not prepared" (as if we are some computers that need right situation in which we supposedly are prepared), and if i really try to mind**** myself and accept the idea that maybe i'm the one that made a deal with others to play the game right and now i don't cause of too many self infested goals, and then claim "who are you to tell others what i'll do without even asking me is i'd do it" it is almost predictable that the automatic behaviour would be to not live that deal, which is clear as day. Maybe it is not the mind that is constantly want conflict, maybe the beings are such, cause i mean if mind is a tool who else uses it but beings...
I don't get it, maybe my vocabulary is a bit off, but mind seemed to become another scapegoat to be blamed, like word God is not popular anymore cause it being whored too much and word mind is being used instead of it, while all the while it is just beings being who they are and doing what they do. I was told that some beings shatter like glass and spread out and disperse into reality, like becoming a part of it after they die. Some beings got attached to something and become poltergeists, ghosts, etc, Some beings supposedly ascend and become guardian angels, or such, even opposite like demons... I though that maybe it is just their best interest that gets to them and under that condition they will into whatever they wish for themselves the most. Some call it being stranded, but it is so similar to being attached to something. Like to others it seems pointless cause they don't have that attachment but to those specific beings is seems that the thing that binds them means a world to them and is actually giving them a point. So its more of a different belief about something, and letting that give you purpose to "move on", yes even if you don't move anywhere at all and you keep yourself stranded on the same cure, same idea, same everything and expecting that to give you change.
I mean it is really interesting. I for instance decided to view a certain thing in a certain way, and while for me it is hard to accept the worth of it, it meant everything to someone else because that is what they needed to get through. It may be a simple question that doesn't get an answer.
I mean isn't it weird that all that is on a mind level it needs a decision to be believed in to make it acceptable, while reality almost doesn't give a damn and you can do anything to it as long as you don't create circumstances in which you can't exist in, and then loose even that bit of control you had over it. And mind within it all is like a simulator that one can use to not instantly try it all out there and then suffer failure and physical "punishment" cause we all know how compromising tests can be. And on the other hand it is like the worst thing cause it can consume you whole, supposedly cause the mind created experiences should create same response of a being as if it was physically created even though it is just an illusion. I mean it makes from a certain point sense, due to physically experienced environment having first to be "interpreted" i'd say conducted by a mind into the being, so either way there is a mind between the being and reality that is "transmitting" information, and what is the best thing but to then claim the authorship of the "messenger", it makes you the best being there ever was, possibly the most superior, God forbid you'd have to do anything ever again, considering that one accomplishment is no accomplishment, and that jolt of success fading out soon, there is a high probability of new feats that widen horizons.
I don't really know what my point was in trying to convince others into their belief, and making me like some role player within them. From a certain extent is is bonkers cause if i'm so against being inferior to another i actually am doing that right there and then, by making something one wills to believe in true and I'm doing it all just for free, not getting anything else out of it but inflating my ego a bit if i'm stupid enough to believe that it matters. I mean it does to a certain extent, but it also doesn't, considering how the past dealt with people that made ego a bit too worthwhile to work on. I kind of tried to keep balance of things like make something for my ego, actually just a bit more than for others, but make something for others too so that they wouldn't feel left out and i wouldn't have the fear of some traumatised kid beating me up cause of me getting on his nerves too much. I mean i am a bit paranoid sometimes still, like even when i feel good about myself who i am, and then take it as maybe i'm terrible and i'm lying to myself that i'm good, and what is worse i actually believe it i start to feel fear because of feeling good, like it is not natural to feel good about how bad i actually am but i'm to blind to see it. The other end of this is that if too many intense emotions consume you, there is a high chance that if you give yourself a chance and live through them, you'll actually build a natural resistance to them. I mean i don't know if that is change but some things that i was terrified of started to become a bit less influential on what emotion they define me in. Damn i dare say i'm becoming more stable, like i have no reaction at all towards certain things that would otherwise make me hell worried, though i still have that idea or thought in my mind that there is always some potential that would make me see more of the bad, so i rather not jump into any certain conclusions. Like the cure was to do the thing i was most scared of doing and then waiting for results that never happen, and than then gave me the idea that my fear was not relevant, i mean we do like to make them so. I have no idea how things get to play out this way but i do know i did try to steer them, and the more i did others pulled their own cards. Actually when i played "my game" others would play theirs, and I was to a certain extent aware what will happen if things want to stand a certain way, especially considering that i'm a bit more chaotic being, since i know myself that i like to destroy beliefs of other people that i find being compromising to me, and while some other being would actually complement me that i as fact suppose to have a good idea what is right and what not and that i'm actually obsessed with having, being and doing it right or correct or whatever, i then deliberately decide to ignore whatever is is i let others cook and stir ****, as if that was the crucial element to my success in almost fooling myself into believing into an idea of another, like my will is not my own anymore but just a figment of an imagination of someone else, and as i was told that i really like to reflect what others do, i don't know who or what is me anymore, cause all i know is how to copy others and through that only be what others would like to see, but who i am as a being as something unique in its own way, doesn't exist, of if it does i'd not know it anymore. So in a way i feel like an illusion playing a movie others wanna see, while for real it is not really me, like i'm lost somewhere in the past...
And the other side of ignorance was such that i threw away a pretty nice chance for me, a chance i sometimes still believe is not completely gone, yet it does fade away, and the only fucking thing standing in my way is a stupid choice in which i'm obviously fanatically in love, just because i want to prove to myself that i can hold on to my part of the arrangement, even though i am kind of aware that the time that is passing by is giving me less and less chance to actually experience that which i believe in. It is sad actually. Some truths have no facts backing them up yet not believing in them causes hell, and some lies have so facts backing them up to be the truth it makes all the hell believing in them. As if the hope would be the last to die, point is that belief is such pro and con kind of thing one can make all the difference in what one decides to put interest in. And there is something besides time that will eventually give the "answer". Either way it feels like a pile of empty words. Like there is some sort of a conclusion to it. There is. I've found for myself that this attempt to be good at things that i do is actually not so bad, even if the initial intent was to only become good at something to make a name for myself, even if that is to fool others to think I'm some sort of a "God" from the Bible, cause i mean i thought songs would do the trick, like if i while and rant and rave, why not make songs at the same time of it, it worked pretty well for all the other success junkies, even though i do respect that idea that everyone wants to crawl out of the shit at the bottom of hierarchical "triangle". I think that intent still remains the same though this time i don't wanna fool anyone into something that they believe in and is completely conflicting to me. I mean what is wrong in wanting to get somewhere especially if its shit hard to remain at the same spot, even if going up a bit is a bit harder, but i bet it gets more easy a few steps up.
I mean who knows maybe i won't get anywhere, but it is still worth to try, at least for me, It is also kind of boring doing same thing over and over again, not talking about thousands, more like tens of thousands of times. It's not like i want to have my point of life be standing at the punch press and pressing same shitty button over and over again. Don't get me wrong i respect the machine, it is awesome how everything shakes each time push it, it is just whored so much it stops being interesting, Like the only challenge i'd see is how much longer i'd be able to insist in it, like to break my own record or such.
So now i know what my fear was. That there was actually some God out that pushed my button a bit and i got shit scared. Then when nothing happened, i can only confirm presence of supernatural (to me) or simply natural (to that being, possibly beings) and i can gladly say that next time around i'll probably be again baffled by the experience, and all the mind constructs that i'll create around the point because of not being entirely sure how it got to happen in the first place or what is the point of it. A bit too mysterious I add, and i can only imagine what would happen if there was no such "feed back". I still wonder to this day why from a certain point, I know i was completely guided by self interest to go a certain way, but from another i had a feeling like besides me helping myself intentionally getting it done, someone else also invested their interest into getting it done, like even if i'd use all my four to resist it and even a decision to not take it on, someone else would try to pull or reel or something me in. I wonder why, cause from a certain perspective i know i have no problem if they suck the life out of me, it is not like they would be the only one, i heard business pretty much everywhere works the same principle, but this felt personal, even more so because i was told it wasn't. I really don't know how the hell this will ever work out right for me, but i did learn of an option where you don't give a damn about the past and you just decide to move on and even make choices that the held onto past would constrict. I think i already wrote it in the past how best way was to bend "laws" a bit and hold on to some and let go of others, maybe it is not hypocritical, maybe it is best thing to do.
Maybe this whole mess within me was because i wanted to believe in equality, yet i knew it was a lie cause there is actually none in reality. It is just an idea that is contradicting everything that is lived as. Whole hierarchical structure conditioned by money and papers of fortune and such, a simple teacher, learner relationship is like yelling for teacher being superior and the learner inferior, like batteries don't work if they have equal charge on poles, nothing moves if there is not some sort of imbalance, simply because energy that tends to balance itself needs imbalance to work, needs conflict to move to sort it out, to have a point to do something, like it is the beauty of it, first you invest in something and then reap the results. And when the effect fades, we have to do it over again, cause i mean what else is there to do? Each time a bit different cycle and from a certain respect predictably similar. What is the cure? Thinking, speaking or writing only certainly not.