Day 787: Real deal
I forgive myself to allow and accept fear of what unknown consequence my words as a part of expression of me would cause me through others reading them and then based on that treat me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i don't belong somewhere where certain principles are "lived by", and i don't seem to get along with them pretty well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed by another that would for instance tell me not to be afraid because fear is supposedly unacceptable, and thus because i am or was or probably still will be in some unpredictable future, and would in the past for instance really work on myself to forgive fear but it would still come up, then think of myself as unacceptable and would rather go away then to listen to some to me bullshit of what i should be to be "allowed" to converse with someone, but then when that would happen, where I'd be alone by intent and wholeheartedly decide to deliberately go the way that I'd not wish or would be afraid that would happen, for instance walking away from someone that you'd really like to sort things out, just to prove them that it is no problem to suffer a bit by letting go of something one would work on, but what would then happen is that one would be shown that what one does is not acceptable either, like one is not allowed to be afraid, and not allowed to face the fears either, which then made one think that maybe one is actually liked in some layer despite just being shown how disliked actions from one are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bitch about dreams again because i can't seem to let go of the subject due to knowing that I've not shared the whole picture, especially because of doubt that I'm doing a good thing to me, like words are useful but they can do harm. Just like a knife where one can use it to cut a piece of bread, but if not careful with it one can cut oneself with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be utterly confused because of dreams and Earthly happenings where certain being would within realm of physical and this is really down to earth converse an information i would think just for me to make it obvious to me that whatever happens when i dream is practically the same as interaction in the physical within a frame of having a conversation, and within this i forgive myself that i wanted to be intimate with this point by only cross refferencing it with a certain individual, but because I'm getting impatient i just decided to let it all out, and within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold information within me where it would only inflate to such an extent where it now just blows out of me, and i feel good about sharing it, and i don't care how much this expression of me harms me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to express that the first time around when i started to wordshit myself out, towards everyone not just Desteni productions on YouTube i had this dream i think two times where this totally black being would come to me and we'd had sex, I'd then think that the being was a certain individual within reality and then maybe not, which would confuse me because my initial intent was to just like another would use law of attraction towards others (me included), I'd then try to act a parrot where you basically do the same thing as someone else does but what i wanted to attract especially besides everyone else was her, but then i didn't know i made a mistake at start and then they made a mistake because of me, and everything complicated even more, and despite that no matter how "wrong" it went it turned out to function still, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not share the root or core problem of the thing where I'd for instance not know how certain things stand or work or function, basically I'd not understand why picture is like it is, mainly because of I'd think it works a certain way, but because it is natural to doubt myself I (yes doubt in oneself can be a good thing to, because it makes you question yourself before you do something you'd not like to happen to yourself, especially if it is done by only you), and because of knowing that too much doubt can be annoying too, I'd just then decided without proof to "play" for certain outcome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really liked the experience of having sex within a dream, but because I'd not know who she was I'd then be in this confused state that the individual i was having sex with was not the one I'd try to hit on within reality and would see myself as a cheater.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the individual in reality would deliberately not wanting share information with me, and think that maybe she doesn't know jack about what I'm dreaming of when sleeping or maybe it was too obvious to be explained, like they didn't want to make me look stupid or something must have gone wrong in that respect too, hell maybe only my mind makes the dreams and within reality she had nothing to do with what my mind would conjure up within sleeping, but then i don't want to strip authorship of anyone especially if they don't want to let themselves be known so that no one would then think that they try to boast on the point of what or how good they did.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if i consider only one or few dreams is then hypocritical of me, because i work by certain principle too, it means then all the dreams must be considered, and this makes this whole thing an infinity more complicated because then i thought that this dark being (the only thing that made her shape was silhouette and infinite depth of darkness, like her body didn't have skin or some glowing yellowish color, it was just black as it comes) and this meant considering a certain other dream (that i partially described in some other post) where i was really wanting to make an effort to make this being like me where the more I'd "push" into her the more I'd be pushed away, but that was not all, because within my mind I'd think that she wanted something from me, something i had that she needed for certain plan to work (mainly the plan was stripping power from certain group of beings that became sort of possessed with what they were having influence on, and making everyone else see the real deal which was basically showing everyone that all the system structure was basically a lie that is believed in to keep the unfairness going, because certain beings would believe themselves worthy of abundance and would through that leave other beings basically poor, and if anything this was the main reason for all the conflicts. I mean we know that in reality we can die, but in the I'll call it dream realm or I'd even dare call it dimensions beings can't actually not exist, like die or have a permanent ending of their existence as life that they are). Anyway back to forgiveness - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that whatever i was able to give her would cause worry within me, basically despite my affliction towards that being i was not trusting her, and that harm that could potentially be caused because I'd give something i believed i was only one I'd trust myself to have responsibility over it - I'll call it an important piece of some machine that would make her plan work, hell even my own, and with respect to me giving it to her meant I'd not have the influence I'd believe I'd have with that thing (like i even considered that the whole point of power was just some bullshit I'd believe in, while actually there was nothing but me that made me have influence over what was happening to existence i was unable to separate from, basically no one is), but the other side of puzzle was that if there was actually a point that was not me yet because i had it I'd have "power", and me willingly giving it away to someone that actually not ask for it yet i knew they'd need it and in a way i knew they wanted it, no, wished to have it, was actually despite being risky from my doubt's point of view, really freeing for me to give it to her, like because of sacrificing myself of letting go of something i was interested in knowing how things would turn out. And this moment within a dream was really intense because i would literally feel hatred towards other being by even more towards myself because i was just as possessed with the point of power and not wanting to trust anyone with it made me look just like those that had more than the others and were not willing to part with it. Practically it would look like me having money and not willing to give it to another that would for instance not have it. What happened then was that i'd push that point into her. Well something happened can't say for certain if she fell she was just gone, i think i held on to her and let her go, i don't entirely recollect the memory of it, but I'd fall into some depth like into complete darkness, and i saw a similar thing before i dare say at the beginning like of everything, it was like being alone in dark space. Interestingly enough i was fucked by this free fall yet there was no fear of what would happen then, actually i though i had to do everything allover again, though this time around i knew i had shape and i knew that there was a past behind me and as soon as i stopped freaking out or something this being, i was just before in conflict with would like grab my hand and pulled me out of that darkness. It was really a happy moment for me, i think she even gave me a kiss just to let me know she has interest for me still, or something, and then disappeared. And within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be really confused about this point because this was what went on my nerves so much like when I'd be needed all this nice behaviour and when not and I'd need something from her she would just ditch me, and i think this even though just a dream experience i think caused me to look the same way at people, like one only approaches you usually when they need something from you, and consequently despite my love i had towards that being shortly started to weaver until it simply faded away. I forget about this ever happening, go my random way, until i started filling myself with information from portal. Some information i found correct, some other info made me react with doubt, of i was pretty pissed off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within reality when I'd be thinking about what I'd dream think of it as some bullshit my mind makes to give me like a goodnight story to experience, like a movie and then I'd only waste time during being awake to daydream about the significance or insignificance of it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed fear to rule me about what i should accept or not, and how wrong I'll be in my judgment of what is acceptable or not, because i still don't have literally no idea what is good and bad for me in the long run (mainly because i don't see the future) and this not knowing then literally makes me not to take any decisions at all, like i asked for guidance but got none, so i guess i still need to prove myself something i don't entirely know what that is. Maybe if i got one i'd not agree with it anyway.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the third time I'd have sex within a dream with this being she was probably the same as all previous times, and this was after first few months after i started writing my journey to life blog, was of significance not only because what happened within a dream where she would hold this sharp brown greyish pointy pyramid, like it was really stretched out, like a long pointy keen crystal, like she was going to use it on me supposedly to stab me with it, but then what happened was as we'd be intimate the thing in her hand just crumbled while i think i was the haven of my dream part of life. I'd not say no to experiencing it again. It was also important because this caused a certain joke to happen that would support me in solidifying a belief that i now see has no opportunity to exist in reality. Like I was shit scared to talk about it to anyone so i just randomly picked up someone to cross reference information with this random woman and asked her about wet dreams and she said i make them, but then i asked myself is it possible for me to make something like that because from a certain perspective whenever i dream i feel like being thrown into this movie i have no choice but to walk and see what happens. Another point that opened up was allowance of feelings and emotions where publicly all this strict self forgiveness was being done in order to supposedly make an end of them, but in private conversations there was laughter and openness. I don't want to look confusing but it certainly confused me, like in the social there is a certain portrait of allowed being shown and then in the private a certain different one that is usually justified to be kept secret due to all the thinking that would be caused. I mean it was hypocritical to me that some people supposedly are allowed to have backchats and others don't. Practically it looked like people that I'd believe would back chatting themselves would bullshit other people to not do it. I don't know much about consequences but it seems pretty much as a contributing part to the shit that is taking place, basically we say we want to have a transparent world while we know we keep secrets and portray lying images of our lives in order to secure our supposed impending doom, and with that usually making a really insecure impending doom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about the behaviour than the state of the world, i mean it is the behaviour that is making it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave to my terms improperly where i indulged into things again that I'd in the past for instance deliberately let them go for about three months in order to see if i can function without them, but now I'd for sport again on account of taking myself a vacation indulge into them to fight my loneliness or fly away from reality into some illusion of a feeling a certain way, because the mental strain is too much to handle, like i can honestly say that i can't handle myself and my self honesty, and that there is much to be sorted out, but i can't cause i committed to a completely opposite thing, since i was told so, and on account of help i don't think I'll get one because in the past i already wanted to talk about this problem, but she said she will talk to me, then again if i could finish my education with all this mental baggage i can go on just fine i guess, the only shit is that even if i manage to let it go it sooner or later starts bugging me again. Then again she found someone new so i guess I'm out of luck on that one. I think I'll just keep on suffering on account of not having myself completely sorted out, or maybe it is even worse and it is all just an illusion about all this dreaming stuff, like maybe i got certain things wrong and I'm only lying to myself, and this lie is a reason to hold on to things that don't really stand in reality like it is only in my imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that imagined that when i gave that point of power within that dream to another it was actually a point that made this being able to do certain things that other beings were not able to, and within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the portal works because of me giving that thing i had that gave me some sort of power and attraction, like me having candy and others only coming to me to get some, and if I'd not have it others wouldn't even bother to deal with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that conversation with this other being was also important because as I'd talk to them within dreams I'd actually tell them that they will look for me, and they would have no other proof as the program of how well everything is played out, pardon considered, to then be able to predict the future that the only proof of it is actually the logical thinking or backchat, and this "robotic" dimension of the mind is that primal cause to then predict how beings would behave and through that behaviour prediction about the state of the world is conducted, then this calculated information is "delivered" through the mind into beings, and beings would not question it, they would just call it as gift that they have, but in truth others would do all the work that would then be sent through messengers into reality. That is primarily why I'd sometimes call reality as a Big Brother show for dead beings, but there are some things that can't be predicted and that is that beings would out of mere spite, and despite knowing what is good for or bad for them going against themselves to fight this programming, because the calculated information can only digest the principle of what good wants to be experiences on a self interest level, as in it is predictable that one would do what one would like, but what it can't convey was moments like where beings would face their fears even to an extent where they would harm themselves even if it means dying of pure pain, but even that wouldn't make them non existent. What would happen is that usually someone would have feel love towards them, and would thus through hurting themselves hurt those that love them as well. But if you want to test something right you have to test it on yourself, so as far as spite goes it may be a reason to justify certain robotic behaviour but it only goes so far, just as standing or dealing with something goes so far until beings loose it and then predictably go "robot mode" and let it all out, like me or instance in this blog post which is quite releasing, and i don't care how predictable it is. The only problem now was those beings that do the calculation part of predicting the future, because just as certain information about the future can be tainted with mistakes or intents of those that calculate it, and in a case of intent even conduct it. And as for the being that would within my dream and probably his to - then, i told him that no matter what will happen I'll in the end ask them "why are they doing this to themselves", because no matter how much information there would be to crossrefference if this is what was payed for, there could still be doubt that there is not enough proof that the being in question is actually the one that is sought for. I honestly can tell you that despite how much mental and material suffering i cause to myself i believe or think that this is best for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe like i have anything to do with the creation of the portal, or i would at least imagine i had, and then because of so natural self doubt (please don't ever completely leave me) would then believe that i made it up to look myself look special, at least to myself, and so I'd be in this divided split persona where I'd know I'd one or in another way bullshit myself in such a way where the only solution would be to simply forget about it and go on with my petty supposedly meaningless life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction towards another being and then because I'd like them to like me, like the only thing i could do for starters was to wish to be with someone and then that takes lead in my purpose to guide myself though all the obstacles that even the point of my attraction would create, to then look for that same reaction within instances towards other beings and would thus think that because of this same reaction i should not only respect it because of this being but also another being that i didn't necessarily like in the moment of pushing my buttons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that maybe i should go the other way where if a certain being would cause me a certain reaction i should run away from them as far as possible because of me seeing them as always this way and i knowing myself well enough that i won't be able to change I'll then always endure these reactions within me because i see another as myself (not being able to change) so what would be the point of me suffering another being that I'd not like, i mean it is better to run away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel love towards another but because they would have this principle (which was to me kind of fucked up - i may be wrong) that love is unacceptable because supposedly in some distant future it is bound to run out and then for instance due to being unfulfilled rage would set in, and thus love would morph into hatred, and because of this engineering speculating personality that supposedly ran out of empathy, I'd run away i mean i loved, that was unacceptable i didn't know how to stop it so i ran to forget and in a way get rid of it, so then i made this mistake that i told this being that I'll always love her no matter how others that would see her who she is, i mean some people i know interpret her as insane and everyone else that went along with her, and that statement kind of stuck me in this situation, where i know i am to a certain extent a man of my word though i do sometimes forget to do something that is not relevant to me, and this dimension of me would give another an option to see me as not completely reliable, because i mean when another would tell me how insane this Desteni thing is, I'd in a way agree, but due to self doubt I'd then ask myself what if he was insane and me agreeing that he is right, and the spite of me spiting his belief or belief of that girl that she believed she was expressing the correct way, i saw myself again how undecided i am, and as for love i don't know exactly if i ever completely let her go in the time of my ignorance towards her, but I'd still not entirely get why someone would forgive oneself for something that they would like or not because i mean as far the future goes i believe there will always be those not wished moments that would cause fear. And thus in the moments of fear simply stand it, understand why it is there, share it if need be, hell even forgive it, and if it still bugs you, then you'll have to sort it out with the being you question or doubt because that is what usually comes down to, because if fear of yourself will not bury you it will be the fear of another, with whom fear is usually connected. Only if it is made up, like certain fears i had were. For instance i was afraid of the whole fucking existence and despite hating my condition within it, I'd say fuck you because i want it whole to hear it, and despite being afraid that some beings would bring up enough commitment towards each other to stand together to create hell even if for only one being I'll let them know in thought (which supposedly know anyway, or whatever i think), word (where I'd curse and yell aloud) and would even write down in this blog or some public portal on Internet just to make others see it, and make myself sure they know I'm possessed too, and deed where I'd basically take it on myself in a form of squeezing out zits making my skin look like lunar surface. It is really a paradox where I'd deliberately want to get rid of shit under my skin and then would cause even more harm. I would deliberately harm others aswell with words at least, and as for physical, physical contact is needed and when i fliped a swich on another i only regreted it becuase of pain, i mean i had enough of that already and simply consider that probably in some future i'll have no choice but to use force to survive, at least the way worldly things go about now. I really hope it won't come to that, but you know how hope is, it cheers you up a bit now, but later it doesn't prevent what it supposedly should from not happening thus it is a big maybe.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards myself, due to some reason that I'd let others know how i feel because of them, like i was too shit scared to hurt them due to some chain reaction that usually took place, and so I'd hurt me, and then see if they would still love me in that similar way which initially caused me to not like them, but still i was dependant on them, so this for that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that others only put themselves above me because of them thinking that i put myself above them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself above others because of wanting to prove a point that no matter the shit that someone is, one can simply decide to be and express the morness of themselves towards another, i mean if i the shit that i am where others would constantly push me around with words or actions, am able to do it then anyone can, but it may drag you down even more if not effective in it, it did me in my case.
I forgive myself to use my imagination and call myself human as god because of having some influence and then believe i got it right, but then others would be so envious or not letting me have it that easy that they would intentionally go against me, just to prove their point that i won't get what I'd imagine having, simply because all the rest of me is and probably even my own imagination is not entirely aligned to what existence can allow in truth as truth of what can happen, i mean we allow to happen to it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to find this interpretation of fear as being some "not wished moment in future" interesting. and then through it conduct that i won't ever be able to get rid of fear completely and thus I may always think that because of this little supposed fact there I'll in some future get feared and make misery out of potentially great experiences that I'd wish for them to happen. And within this i forgive myself to be totally blow off by this explanation by some dude i know where he told me that actually everything that happens to you is at some point wished for, even for not wished moments, because wish to his understanding is the driving force and the most powerful carrot on a stick out there, thus this principle of wishing for a certain thing to happen is like purpose that each one of us gives to oneself and let it guide us, and thus no matter what happens to us because of it, it is our responsibility, and yes even not wished moments are thus at some time wished for, thus another reason to take on shitty moments in a responsible way, even if it means swallowing some fear or pride or whatever it is that may looked positive at start and would in the end cause an opposite result.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that wishes should be made in a careful way or have as few of them as possible because usually if one wishes too much the too muchness of different desires then bring conflict between them and then none of them gets fulfilled, but what gets fulfilled is this morphed thing made out of everything and not only that which was wished for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate this being that I'd express my love with words towards but i don't really think it was real, i mean maybe i felt something of a sort, but i don't really know what others would think of it. Maybe i wanted to manipulate, there was defenately fear on my side involved, or i wanted to make myself sure that she would know that i'm not able to contain my reactions as it was supposedly wanted from me. I mean if we work on stopping the reactions, be it fear or love, i had every right to share my state of truth, but then again it was evident enough through blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i have to be something that i don't want to be or don't know how to be in order to fit in some frame or picture that I'd want to be in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of myself of what i might do to myself because of considering so much real and out of reality data, because if take my life and my experience and i subtract all the dreaming stuff, it is a pretty weird experience, because if it were not for them I'd probably not be here writing this out, i mean I'd go away and stay away till I'd die because the only thing that drew me back into this process was the unexplained and the opportunities that would manifest with the understanding of it. Ok i lie, i was pretty happy when I'd try to sweet talk someone, if nothing else to make them easy going, but mostly it was self interest, problem was that the girl had her own intentions, and i couldn't ever get to that so that I'd exactly know how to exist in order to fit her picture, so that is that, and i for one know that the more i think about what i did wrong to fix it, the more possessed i looked to myself by this whole thing that happened, the more happy i am with the support that was short and to the point which i can't complicate, thus can't fuck around with it, but simply wait for what destiny will happen or doom or fate or whatever it is. And within this i forgive myself that I suffer with a longing to not think about something that i should think about, because i know that if i don't I'll forget it and i must not forget it because if i do, I'll break the agreement and if i do that, i don't even care what others will see in me, what i'd worry is how uncommitted i am, like untrue to simple word that I'd get to respect. I don't like me as i am, i'd not like myself even more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when looking only at the physical real me see myself as this disaster that only ever shows the internal mess on his face.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'll never sort myself out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to more or less deal with first my problem before i give any advice to others about their problems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it must start somewhere even if that start is completely unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my own judgment of what is best for me to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people that are together are lying in my face when they say they don't love each other, and would in my spite imagine that if I'd have the power separate them to see how much they don't love each other, like agreement yes or no, i firmly believe that not liking someone is just as powerful to go away from them as liking is to make one go to them, and i simply don't buy what other people tell me how they feel, especially when they want to bullshit me what i feel. I mean pretending to know something is easy, it is much harder to face the truth that imaging things won't solve anything yet that is what we constantly do. It is supposedly easy to say one sees what another is going through just by looking at their words, it is far from that. Because the I or eye between the the two or more "in my name", "I'll be between them" are just words nothing more. And word supposedly was in the beginning, or whoever made it, but then there also had to exist something that the word would be attached to, otherwise it is pointless for that word to exist.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to create this image of me that I'd be content with and think this will make me experience the best way for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express how much i am lying because i live this life in such a way where others sell me lies and i buy them and while not really knowing that they are lies, I'd sell them further on, i mean there is lots of unfortified data within my blogs, but as for dreams are concerned everything is mostly true unless those are lying too. The only thing that I'd like to ass about is that i write this to explain myself why i am where i am so that others wouldn't see me as completely nuts, because to my mind there is some sort to logic even life to it, and hopefully not everything was just part of some program that any fortuneteller would be able to tell me how it will go down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate women from a dimension that they always want to be right like they fear that they won't be respected and in the end when that actually happens everything goes bye bye. I mean this elderly lady is keep saying how well and good i do things practically and how i do everything she tells me, and then i once told her how she gets on my nerves because of pointing her finger onto something i in her mind should do, and i in my mind had an intent to do, and when i expressed how i don't like it, she went how i never listen to her and how she is a victim, like from one extreme into the other, even telling me how I'll never find any girl for me that would like me.
I forgive myself to be a little bit confused about this whole relationship thing, where now even i started to believe that the support that i got when i was told to "stop looking after women" or in other words "looking for a relationship" is actually the best thing because no matter whoever I'd fall for it would always end up in a disaster, and what is more this would then mean that i actually get to create myself and wait for someone to grab the bait, and the only good thing about it seems to be that i can take one being as an example where i would cause her to go into a bit of dimensional shifts (i had them too, to what i understand is actually just flipping aspects of a point and then for instance experience whole list of feeling and emotion around a certain point that one would not in truth know fully) and i can with all the delight turn that being down, and that will happen probably until such a girl will come that I'll be delighted to be with. Only thing for me to do now is mentally suffer the unfulfilled desire whenever I'll remind myself how incompetent i am in creation of a relationship. That is why i think I'll simply give up, and commit to not bring these points up anymore. Like i really had it with myself, and I'm fed up with me being me in this way.
I forgive myself to see myself as a looser because of practically not having any kind of material possession, not finding a job or anyone that would be willing to employ me, and the projects i have for myself are currently on hold anyway cause i lack resources. Like the only way i see a way out at the moment are freelancer jobs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a vacation while this world is supposedly go on a low road to hell, and basically stating that i don't care how much more down this situation will get, I'll just have a juice and sip on it while sitting in the sun relaxing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my brain and my self to all the limits i thought of and that there is no other solution to the world but to simply learn it the hard way, like i did, there is no better school than accumulated consequence that not even a lie can protect one from it.
I forgive that the only useful thing i leaned from dreams is that giving what was mine to another being that i didn't completely had trust in and thus i said to myself i trust you, and gave her whatever she got from me, even if it was just symbolic because just as a belief in something is or can be compromising, it can be powerful as well because i simply believed in something i was not willing to part with and giving that to this being within my dream was just that opportunity to face myself by giving something that i believed was giving me power to another, while imagining that things may go really wrong. Can you imagine what i thought about how wrong they could go if i were to keep holding on to that point of supposed power. I think it takes even more willpower to trust another even when you believe you shouldn't.
I forgive myself to think of another aspect like i also though and believed that i am not really wanted and that i'm in truth am not really liked, as if the only thing i'd be good for is giving money away, surely i admit products i'd by were really interesting each in its own way, but that was just that, knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think it is easier to let go of one being by simply holding on to another, which was in my past sort of a easy way out.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find it harder this time because of not having anyone to hold on to, when previous times it was just if this one will not like me, maybe the other one will, and now there is no other, it is just a bit changed yet ever worrying me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bitch about self forgiveness, be hypocritical about it how it doesn't work but I'd probably never expressed some points if it wasn't there to "help" me, i mean it is hard to confess that it did help me to make peace with certain things that would bother me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself weird and insane because of how i interpret some experiences that would happen to me and wouldn't have any external proof if what i at least think about is correct, even if didn't do anything else but only think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the whole list of emotions and feelings that we can experience and are part of DIP course still have potential to be experienced no matter how much change i have within me about me, and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that from that perspective it is pointless to have anything but reality that would trigger me into those sensations as my teacher, i mean surely imagination is practical but only to a limit, hell within my case i found it downright annoying once when i wanted to prove a point that i can too put myself above others, the same way I'd perceive others putting myself above me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to punch myself in the face for telling others I'm a god, like others wouldn't have any problem expressing it, because i in my backchat accumulated lots of anger on this point because i interpreted god as being able to do anything basically, and that really got in my nose, I'd sneeze but it meant that beings were basically not considering or not really care what they would do to each other, like this whole mess is mainly just because of this beings doing whatever they want and that is that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that waiting for a relationship to happen to me is same as waiting for it to happen, i mean i was told to not look for one, and waiting for it to happen equals not doing a thing about it thus i am not really looking for it which is like totally opposite what i started out with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be totally confused by people asking me what games i am playing, because i mean i just want to make my wish come true, and i don't want it to be some joke.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by all this information spinning within my mind, like when i work i constantly think about where did i got it wrong that reality turned out to be this way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sex within a dream with this individual and then i imagined that that experience had something to do with some being that lived in reality, like i didn't know whether to tell this being from reality about it because of a crush on them, and would then make myself think like i was within a dream cheating on them, or if i was actually correct and the being from reality was one and the same within a dream.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not believe in dreams to be of any relevance but then all of them should be considered that way.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not believe in reality to be of any relevance but then all of it should be considered the same way.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wrap this theme finally up, like it has been a burden i no longer wish to carry around.
I commit myself to stay committed to respect the wishes of others, simply for the sake of being interested if my own will come true.
I commit myself to stop whining within myself how hard my mental life is.
I commit myself to stop participating in illusions of what ifs and just in cases and despite knowing there will be a time of doubt ahead of me, like it is right now, to keep on walking my path, even though it seemed i didn't wish for it, i mean even if i wished for something different and this is what has come my way to face then i guess i wished for unwished moments too. It is weird approach though to think this of everyone actually, cause then even when i fucked up from my perspective others actually wished for it, no matter how much I'd traumatize myself how I'd for instance hurt another, hell this even goes along with the my unhappiness is someone's else happiness. Then again beings (at least me) always found ways to manipulate meanings to remain complacent with what they are wishing for despite first reaction towards it was completely not wished for.
I commit myself to keep on looking for work and even when i get turned down, ask for work again and again.
I forgive myself to be glad that i wrote this mess out, even though some of it is unsorted, it at least makes me feel better for the short amount of time before next problem hits me.