Ambrož's journey to life

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 25 May 2016, 14:24

778: Accumulation of unsorts
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim and believe that self forgiveness does not work if I as who i am don't change who i am in relation to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to control myself and because of doing self forgiveness on self control as spontaneous reaction that i get towards certain individual, and no matter how much self forgiveness I'd do I'd keep reacting to them when i hear them speak from what i perceive is their fear, worry or just lecturing me and thus because each time they would imagine something new that i would potentially do wrong they would let me know and I'd then react to what they think and say I'll do when I'd have no intention of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at individual that would make promises about my actions without asking me if i am even intending to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that each time that i react towards reality around me and my interpretation of it, or just react towards my imagination and then suppress the reaction to think it is a good thing, and that when enough of energy will accumulate I'll just blow up like a ticking time bomb, and then have an excuse of unballanced life for my attitude towards the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i would accumulate energetic reactions and then when enough of them would accumulate, and as I'd not be able to hold them in no more I'll just let the felling take directive principle of my behaviour and will let out whatever I'll see necessary to let out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and then after releasing it and "proving my point" keep myself in it as some sort of demon that is just enjoying it like feeling good at doing something negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that in reality i am the one that decides when i as a cup of energy am full enough to start spilling it all around, and then no matter what kind of action happens I'll eventually be the one that allows myself to start reacting which mean that no matter how great or small event is in process of making i could potentially whit hold all the suppression of not reacting towards the situation or i could just decide to go all out when someone would show me a bent finger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim someone is a liar with having no evidence and simply using impossible notion that there is no one that would not be able to lie, and from such a perspective we are all liars at some point. Like if we eternally exist and word for a lie exist then there is no one that would be able to live without such a word from the perspective that is practically impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim something as potential truth when not knowing if it is not true.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the starting point of my journey to life as trying to prove myself that i am something that is sought after and then in a case of success would abdicate the responsibility for what I'd supposedly claim to achieve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as some con and having others as an excuse when they would claim that they search for someone that they themselves don't know who it is and then as I'd try to fill in that spot, would not want to claim that I'm that individual that is searched for because of being sick of myself that I'd see that point as something special when I'd not even know what it is about meaning it may actually be the point of finding the worst being and i just raised my hand for it while the point being commercialized as something good, in which case I'd automatically spite the being and their claim because of not trusting their presentation or in a case where there would be such a being it would be stupid of me to try the fill in the spot of someone else that was actually programmed to take it, but then again all the equality is also a lie because supposedly the special being that would fit the picture would make it unequal even more, despite the fact that what is strived for is balance of equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to portray myself as the good guy because the bad guy is usually not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if i live the good guy others would just not believe me no matter how long i practically express that, and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that others constantly see me as someone bad that is trying to take advantage of situation or opportunities instead of seeing that i allow myself this same kind of thinking within myself towards others where no matter how good or benevolent picture they would create, I'd believe that they are not showing it whole like the bad things about them, cause i mean i know that it was practically impossible for me to be constantly good and i did some shit I'm not exactly proud of and i can't easily forget it either, in fact it is still unresolved and i think that the hardest thing to do is to forgive myself for it, like I'm just not able to transcend the point of my mistakes and intentional spite, and would thus rather claim that self forgiveness doesn't work just because i am not able to make it work for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as this pathetic being that is keep trying to get somewhere without any clue of what kind of the result I'd want to create for myself nor the way towards that result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because of some unsorted past where i believe i behaved badly by simply not doing anything and ignoring that truth that another was interested in relaying a message to me, but I'd rather not look at it at all because of having enough of lectures and would have intent in the background of constantly wanting to have fun play games just to enjoy as much as possible and at every sight of something that I'd react towards with unease I'd go away if there was a possibility to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try convince others as if i am the one that will solve the problem of equality and in a way take on responsibility that way, but then when it would come to practical action of implementing it I'd actually ask others for help and in a way put responsibility onto them of how to fix something that I'd first try to convince them that i'd fix myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because of school and remembering my past mind fucks where I'd think that the whole world is talking to me that i should or ask me when I'll become the ruler of the world where I'd think that they are making fun of me and of the fact that i don't have any other kind of influence than to wordshit and here and there by chance express something supportive, or in a case if the internet and radios and whole media was really serious about the thing of having "one to rule us all" i admit i shat myself, and cried and god knows what else just because of taking it in the way that i did, and within that see it my own way of how it suppose to be to make it work. And there was another case which worries me most and that is that i was just imagining things and it was simply so many coincidences at the same time and nothing of it was real, like only an illusion created within my mind because of interpreting it. Like basically i could choose what to believe, but still the fact for me was that if someone would want something from me they should just be direct, where I'd know for a fact i was being addressed, cause otherwise it is only commotion of uncertainty within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be haunted by past where i said that I'll once i finish school work on becoming a "leader", but what my thinking or backchat was really about that I'll never be that even if every single being in existence would go through that point I'd just not do it and a reason for that is pretty strange. Cause it was because of my dreams that i received my proper nervous breakdown and within that i consciously started bringing my memories of them up, where on particular dream (I don't know if I'm making this up) but it would keep repeat itself as some sort of simulation where I'd be this "leader" that would constantly be on "top of the world" and I would get so bored of it I'd abdicate simply because of wanting something more than just "keep repeating the same old story" and because i know that some sort of the same information came through the portal i after it thought that actually i was just portraying how it would be like if i was in that persons shoes, and i actually saw a point of not being the top guy, in fact i think is just abdication of responsibility to have someone on top constantly asking for directions, i mean if you were that constantly wouldn't you get annoyed by not having free time to have fun and be constantly a target of others looking for support. I mean surely any job that has a pretty commercial looks fine at first but there are so many different activities that can be done, and if one faces eternity i am sure as hell that there would come a time where any kind of job, like even if you are an angel or demon would eventually become too monotonous and repeating to be considered as attractive as it first seemed to be. I mean this is my shit that went through my head, and i don't know how to paint it any better. I in an case of there being an afterlife saw life as vacation time from all the eternity bullshit, and instead there is whole lot of work and no choice present in order to at least have some time available to have fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent politics.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to think that there is something i must do in this one life and that if i don't I'll have the same life allover again if i don't do what is required in order to change the supposed repeating patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created so many arguments for myself so that I'd be able to constantly have an excuse to live in my box and not having to deal with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be really pessimistic about the change of the world because i don't see any real change in the near future in fact i think these behavioral principles of survival will stagnate for decades to come, and within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare this individual with a machine where if one deals with machine it gives it instructions and machine will carry them out, but if one deal with a living being i could tell them something again and again and it wouldn't influence them whatsoever. Basically this being proved to me that i can talk and talk for hours and I'll not have any influence over them and thus even though there is "proof" that one can influence another via motivation the change will last as long as there is motivation for it, and underneath that people are far more advanced than just being robotic, like no argument for any kind of future consequence is good enough to ensue equality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel better after venting out my accumulated unsorted things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see self forgiveness actually logically benefiting because it allows to express all the hideous secrets and basically forgiving one self for them thus one can't really be judged for no matter how compromising thought processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'll make hell for myself because of sharing my inner self with others through self forgiveness and then think that it mods anothers' judgment of me in exactly the way I'd supposedly forgive myself for it. Like if i forgive myself for being nervous then I'd think that others would think as me being constantly nervous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a possibility that someday someone would take my self forgiveness process against me and would have my actions as an excuse to harm me in any way, like only they would be the one that are truly able to forgive me and i by forgiving myself only make matters worse because of taking their "power" over me from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be schizophrenic about self forgiveness because when another would tell me how self forgiveness works I'd have experience of how it didn't work for me, and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed when someone would tell me to do some self forgiveness, cause it feels to me more like being some lost soul that is constantly bombarded with suggestions and orders of what i should do, when the fact is that i know that this will happen throughout my life probably, and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see self forgiveness as fun because I'd calculate that because this thing caused additional mess within my head (like I'd not have one beforehand because of wanting to over analyze everything) that others would experience it as well when they would come in contact with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards something in a bad way because of wanting to achieve some good way that I'd project within my mind, like a positive would drag me through a sea of negative, and then would "try" to lure others into same activity, because you never know is something evidently bad will actually in the end cause something good to emerge out of it, like i know that there are cases where there is really a good commercial made with all the bliss and positivity and then once procedure is done one is left with a realization that one is screwed with. So i was thinking that due to a fact that i don't know how this will end, I'm just wondering if going the upside down way is actually correct where there are no promises of good, and actually more and more bad projections of future are being presented and while walking the path to prevent it experience sort of a mental hell will manifest actual haven as an end result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that actually this is part of the key to face all these negative stuff, because the more one experiences it the more adapted one becomes and so one is not moved so hard anymore by emotional traumas. So actually if there are truly bad times ahead of us we are gonna be more mentally ready to face them, and if not then it will be good anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to daydream about perfect society where there will be no leaders and everyone will have responsible attitude towards themselves an another, because the underlining point is that the whole unbalanced thing that happens is because of some being too ambitious where they climb to the top and then influence whole world as they see fit or one becomes too lazy and would just want to have fun (i went more into this direction) where one falls down below on social ladder, but both cases are driven by purpose of having an experience because of it, because of wanting to rule, or because of wanting to enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if i forgive myself for a feeling that would emerge in a situation i should then not allow myself to feel that in any kind of situation.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted and allowed myself to see that i don't need to stress myself even more because of not having the ability to stop reactions within me with self forgiveness and breathing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that i can stop participating in the mind by simply focusing on my physical senses. Like listening to the silence if i am in a silent environment...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of constantly emerging thoughts as a reason to not even try to not think in order to calm myself down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the more i practise conscious breathing the more i become aware of my unconscious one. Like getting used to breath awareness. I think it is slowly getting to me, at first I'd think it is bollocks and that i have to analyze and speculate everything in order to prepare myself for the outcome, but now i see i don't really have a choice in the matter, cause it is damn hard to admit it but it actually does the trick. It is not like I'd completely stop using thoughts and projections within my mind it is just that because i don't do them so much it becomes much easier to put up with myself. And with others as well, though i still admit that i don't completely control the thing and i do get carried away in thinks that are not exactly supportive.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that the good side of having a nervous breakdown is that once I realized how insane i can become just because of wanting to understand unrealized thing like now, and or wanting to prove my point, or because of not getting some desire fulfilled, is that next time around if I'll accidentally fall for some joke or whatever the fuck it will be, I'll be more used to the unseen unavoidable disappointment in myself.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 30 May 2016, 14:28

779: More hidden patterns

Noticing that i just so happen to look at yeses and noes and hopefully also find an infinite possible reasons why certain things happen certain way, i managed to dig out another trigger that is in a way causing me to be spiteful. Thing is that i can't see a solution for myself to become completely not spiteful, and as much as i like to look at this point as being the prime cause for all of my hellish mental experience, i rather fail to see accurate picture of reality where my "interpretation" is more like a "hallucination" of one and the same real picture. Actually i figured out that i am a genuine schizophrenic cause i fit into description perfectly. Firstly i didn't actually read the explanation of the word in dictionary and i noticed that my own interpretation, pardon hallucination of the word was not aligned with the official one. Secondly i don't really wanna call myself that cause I've faced many such kinds of reasons to justify my desired action having some sort of supposed disability as an excuse why i am not able to do myself out any other way. And thirdly i noticed how compromising i am because i sometimes automatically access such wrong interpretations, and because of believing them to be true, in a moment react on them, which usually means that the fuck up i initially only imagine within my mind starts making an even bigger fuck up or reality that initially was not necessary that way for real.

This pattern case scenario of my imagination actually looked, and the fact that I've now decided to work on getting rid of it still looks like me having this imagination that I'm being seen as some idiot or a fool (i don't mean the fool from tarot cards) that everyone is treating with jokes. It is like the more serious i try-hard to express my relationship with living, the bigger laughing stock i become for others. Or so it is only in my imagination, but the point is that because of seeing certain thing that way i actually again nearly make a mess for myself, i got lucky that i reminded myself to breathe and the whole thing actually went through pretty clumsy for my taste but i managed to achieve what i was working on. Still in that moment of my reaction i accessed a memory from a past that made me want to cry. Actually i think it was because of that specific event that made me hate everything that is in relation with songs, and while on the one hand i because of it believe that it contributed to my bard or poet personality deep down i still pretty much "hated" certain beings, that were in any way related to my experience even if it was 200 years ago when it happened and is still brought up in schools because i mean they have to teach something. As i went to professor to explain to him my confused behaviour and telling him how i saw him, professor explained to me what happened and why it looked the way it did, and as i was happy with successful defence of a degree paper i noticed myself also being a bit nuts to see things in a certain way that was not aligned with reality and even though a laugh was included there was no joke on me as I've interpreted it.

What is more was that i finally understand that it is pointless for me to dwell on the past and how i in a moment reacted towards it. The decision of how I'll see and accept certain things is like a house of cards that collapses at first indication that reality would give me when I'd get that what I'd thought about a certain thing is not at all in reality. For instance despite my own desires i was and still am sort of a protocol guy, meaning if my desire would somehow be conditioned with following certain orders, I'd follow them no matter how compromising it was for fulfilling my desires. Practically it looked like me being all nuts about this girl, and while i lacked experience of how to be attentive, i was told to simply not talk to her because of me looking like the opposite of support, meaning I'd make her phase, or so i interpreted it. I think it was the same with me where I'd jump from one interpretation into another, all though imagination and then react respectfully towards it. I think it was a very unpleasant sensation, where one feels nearly absolute happiness and hatred towards the same point and then you constantly flip between extremes in a fast pace making yourself really unstable it is like trying to experience multiple different feelings and emotions at the same time, but because you can't feel more than one at the time, all are presented one by one at a time with really short time frames through a longer period of time alltogether. Anyway what would happen is that the orders that practically proved hard to follow make me deliberately compromise my opportunities where i had break my commitment to not talk to her just like that. It was really off pissing me that I'd be told that i am not to do some speaking with some person, and then that person would come speak to me, and me being the way i am would actually then not completely want to make them see that i was told to vocally ignore them, so I'd still talk but then instead of developing a conversation, and gods forbid a relationship with them I'd ignore them. On a romantic / non romantic scale it was like plunging a knife into my own heart by myself for never to be understood purposes, but hell i felt like i deserved to do it to myself. I don't even want to know what that individual went through when i was told about their dimensional shifting or something.

I think that the only thing that kept me alive was either some hope of a better, less confusing future, or punishing myself for my egoistic, selfinterested goals of wanting to be seen as if that would make me feel more of me. Despite the complicated and unresolved issues of me with me, i was able to also see how these issuses influenced my behaviour and this influenced another. The thing i guess regret most was deliberately ignoring certain beings because of knowing that if I'd go knock on their personal door I'd probably not achieve anything since i mean it was logical to me in what kind of position i was in, so i went on ranting and raving over everyone and hope that it would do the trick. Problem was that "taking of" sort of went the right way, but landing was not entirely in my domain of influence. In fact i more saw myself as some pawn than some point of self direction, and despite all the attempts to try and make others see that I'm not all that bad because i did what i did due to many reasons having really evil ones as some idea of wanting to put myself out there as being "more than" because of whatever image i thought i'll achieve in head of another, and the more benevolant ones which is hoping that i contributed in some positive way, like i don't know i just coudn't put up with myself with the way i was.

This process of self change really took a toll on me, and despite it being a really hard ride for me, I actually lately see why i made it that way for me. Before process i had an idea what i should look like to be fitting for myself, now during it i dare say i at least changed some fundamental behaviour that would in the past give more reason for conflict, and i have to say i have less of it now, though i believe it is still a long ride before I'll get to a point "perfection" though this point in itself morphs quite a bit and I'm in this constant falling behind, like following my own carrot on a stick, but hell at least i have some purpose or motivation, and it prevents me from having a complete mental meltdown.

Speaking of mental developments, i had this point i struggled with and when i used self forgivness to change myself within a relationship towards that point, i was sort of hitting the nail, but still this point because of having an awareness of its own would trigger me to react to their ever changing yet causing same effect behaviour and now i instead of repeating the same thought cycle of deduction that is keep thinking up same results, i decided to focus on repeating the word i want to live in the moment of communication with them, so that i don't go into any different way of expressing myself, cause i mean from an energetic level i "have" plenty of reasons too, but would only make me more weak due to using all the energy for my sincere reaction and make a bigger fuck up out of from my self interested perspective allready fucked up situation.

What is also interesting to me that despite all the unresolved understanding issues i have i noticed that i can function just fine in a practical sence, and that internal "suffering" is not nearly as painfull as it is selled out to be. Actuall i can safely say that before i met Desteni i was in my box of having nothing that I'd not have known and have no understanding for it, I was sort of mister know it all within my own mind, despite being told and shown that the picture is not the way i think it to be. This kept me at a standstill I'd not dare move out of and it was confortable, yet it didn't get me anywhere. And now i feel like i don't know shit, partially because I've never before experienced things that would blow my mind and partially because of conducting an experiment as somesort of payback, like i wanna see if the test that i was told to take will create the impossible result or will i forever be stuck like this if it comes to a case where something that i shouldn't be holding on to, to pass it, would then make me fail just because of not letting it go.

The only thing that is bugging me is that i still can't seem to find my feet in all of this mess and my own dimensional shifts still happen where I'd still look at one and the same situation from a spiteful and wishing nothing but the best perspective. I mean sure in the end it allways come down to doing or not doing it, but there are usually more than two or three options avaliable and time usually gives us that possiblity of trully finding the best way to deal with something. My case scenario was such that the control i had over my physical expression was closer to acting and succesful pretending than to natural reaction towards some real deal. I mean i would have a chaos inside of me and would be still be able to present order on the outside (sort of, or probably not). I guess this pretending made me realize that i don't really know how to honestly express, and no matter what I'd do would be more of a missed interpretation of how i should act to fulfill my self interested goals no matter how big or small the would be. In fact i still have trouble finding this living self, unless I am that all the time, it is just because it is "unstoppable" like the mind is "unstoppable" it is constaly everchanging each breath an upgrade to an already standing fundation up to a time of complete collapse, but even then i was told it is not the everend, i admit i believe the same thing, but you know how believes are.

So if programming water is an everymoment thing then basically when we breathe out we sort of also breathe out the water that we program ourselves with our thinking. and then that mixes up with the rest of the pool. So in some small way whith each inbreath we actually gain this mix back into ourselves and then the programmed water programs us? I mean if it goes one way it should go the opposite way also. So breathing out shitty thoughts within vapor water that breath contains actually only makes situation worse for everyone if we assume that it gets mixed with all the other water in air, and thus best solution, no, actually only solution is to not create such thinking. Damn this trully is tricky and stucky to be constantly dealing with. Like if this is true I'll now have to constantly have to fucking deal with the fact that no matter how spiteful someone in fact may be towards me I'm only making more shit for myself if i react with same thought word and deed, not even wanting to go into case where i only imagine someone is spiteful to me when they are not and i because of being me would then react in spite, inspite of the fact that my reaction would not only give oppotunity but also encourage another for even more actually really real spiteful behaviour towards me.

Wow, and here i thought going pointing out shit that of another while i myself haven't sorted out this point for myself even, then again if not one is perfect and we want to "create" "perfection", what else can we expect to gain from this fucking situation if we constantly fail on and in our way of achieveing success. I mean you gonna laugh now, but i actually went so far (due to wanting to succesfully fulfilling my self interest) i actually thought that if i express myself as nice guy, noone would belive me and i intentionally went for expression of the bad one thinking that noone would belive me and thus they would think I'm nice. Thing is i know I'm bit of both, what is more i believe i can effectively choose how to play or express or live or whatever the word is myself out, meaning there is also always room for influence of others no matter how much i worked on my elitist perosnality just because of having the secret desire to have an effect on others, and while being blind to the fact that is constantly so whether i like or not, i succefully made matters really bad for me, or so i felt internally on my self honest level where i had quite a bit of trouble with panic in my head, cause of too many reasons i had trouble respecting at the same time. Actually is is quite an overload yet fascinating experience when one has no choice but to let go because of feeling like loosing the best, yet creating internal hell and thus getting the worst because of holding onto something for apparent eternity, yet the only place you can interpret it is within youself, like with yourself, while actually is with eveything that is out of yourself, like interpretation is either way an illusion of the real picture, being it accurate or not, though it is important that is accurate, i mean woudn't it be conflicting that a lie would be the thing that would solve and trick the train to ride the right rail, and above all reality is what can really hurt you like it is the only real pain there is, yet somehow we see it as a worthy sacrifice to supposedly prevent an even bigger pain to happen, yet somehow wee fail to see that sometimes no matter how hard we work on something and try to control it, lead it, influence it to make it happen our way, that is trully best within our limited imagination we simply don't have a choice in the matter to make it happen despite choosing to move ourselves in a way we believed it will make it happen. Surely we'd take another path if we'd known that supposed eternity at our disposal is never long enough to give us the opportunity to create an opportunity to sieze and create what we would within our self interested nature be able to conjure up within our minds, but we don't know that, we are limited and thus there is no other way but to insist in the cause that seems to be ever avioding. In a sense it is pointless to do something that we don't know if it is even possible but at least it is a purpose. Like i mean this idea of creating an Earth that is best for all is so far fetched I'd sooner believe that human kind is able to destroy this planet, but then we don't know actual conseqeunce that will happen. or maybe there are some that actually have the real picture of the future because of claiming that they have a preprogrammed life design from a time before this one, but even then i mean there is no better fact than one that actually happens in front your very eyes that confirms some past claims, and until then it can't be anything else than unbelieveable. I bet I'll say that towards a truth that even a fool would dare to believe in.

Self frogivness next time

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 02 Jun 2016, 17:27

780: Hope on the line

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a double life in a sense where first kind of life is only taking whatever it is, that system of world or the "matrix" is giving an official signature on, like elementary school stuff, and all the accepted and allowed patterns that are everyday essentials (and occasionally some other "illegal" stuff that is not within the law of the current system yet is still possible to participate in cause it is not such a big deal that the system in place would find as a threat) and the second kind of life where i basically include everything that i experienced throughout my life and thus have a bit of trouble figuring out which kind of way i should play myself out in crucial moments, especially when along the way choices don't seem clear to me what they will manifest, like to my mind i "foresee" the consequence but at the same time i also think that no matter what kind of a choice i make within the consideration of what that choice will manifest it almost never goes exactly like i think it will, so i don't know what really the point is from the perspective of what I'll get out of it if i make this or that choice or whosoever else that can be made, but i do know that i get stressed out because of the fact that i don't know how it will end despite my "best" effort to try and sum out the consequence of my choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed about the fact that these two types of lives I'm switching between cause some sort of distortion within me, where i don't know exactly within what kind of frame of mind i should make my decisions on, because I've seen or in a way proven to myself that at certain times it comes down to dumbed down decisions where they would manifest far better results from my perspective than to go into some over-analysis, while at other times minor details would have such a profound effect on my decision that my choice would need quite a study and some in a moment without considering consequences decision would seem downright stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this blog as my "second kind of life" where i basically share my shit with some stupid intent that I'll save my ass from consequences of my decisions, i mean i don't know why I'm so crazy to even conclude that what i dream when i sleep is somewhat important or cause of some influence and while knowing i don't know anything about how they are manifested, or how i find myself within them, where sometimes they are completely unsolvable where i could understand them as "what is really going on?" and other times they are just so aligned with some other points I'd almost fee that that point that actually exist in reality is somehow related to the cause that is influencing what I'd experience as a dream and would thus in a way blame that point (without any other kind of evidence than coincidence) for not giving me clear fact but rather just this distance of being allowed this much but not more where it would then seem crazy to me to have a go at considering certain aspects that are kind of tricky to consider simply because of not knowing enough, then again i can't argue with the fact that if I'm not willing to give up all my secrets, i should have another as being against me, but simply see it as my limitation that i don't know how to expand on especially if depends on another that is not willing to help me expanding it. I mean it like arguing for personal interests that don't effect the whole picture, and if they do there will eventually be a time where they will have to be let go of, if they would cause the collapse of the whole picture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about how my process of investigating the unknown abstract stuff will supposedly cause more harm than creation of my self within both aspects of living the system reality and living the life reality, where i define system reality as considering a limited picture that can be assessed with logic and life reality where it would include like this magical part that I'd only ever try to understand, but probably never will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play this competition with other beings on my terms, where collectively accepted rules don't matter to me despite the fact that by them i get put in a certain bracket, but would have my own "rules" by which I'd abide by and would play the significant role in self judgment despite only being within my imagination, but would still cause havoc within me if I'd fail to follow them, i mean not that I'd know how collective rules look like, and would thus also be a product of my imagination if i were not faced with them at some point, what eats on me is me setting my own limitations and then not living up to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause punishment of misery to myself when i don't get what I'd opt for because of not creating myself in such a way where me would cause me to get something me would desire, instead of seeing that i may have as well work on whatever i was, but i was not diligent or responsible enough to make the effect i desired happen, and thus it is from a perspective pointless to suffer myself since i in either way didn't exactly know what and if the path I'm walking is the right one so no point to fret because of not knowing, cause i mean even if i fall at something that you can only fall for once and would thus forever miss out on that opportunity there would always be innumerable other options to choose from for walking through, and no matter the times I'd fail I'd surely succeed at some point, even if it is statistically impossible to fail so many times, like then statistics would have to be aligned to life and not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as nuts because of literally trying to implement dreams into physical life decision making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to figure out something that I'd not understand and then thought out my investigation come to a conclusion that it is pointless to investigate it since it didn't bode well, i mean i certainly caused some conflict within others and i also found out that i went kind of broke, so until i get some money flow going for me I'll just stick to writing process more than to listening what others have to sell, pardon say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction due to thinking and then think a bit more to get out of one reaction that I'd not like into another that i would like while having reality conformation for it, meaning if it is really possible to make it so in reality and would then use that imaginative point of reality when it would be so as an "excuse, reason, justification" to feel a certain positive way towards myself and my goals in mind that I'd want to fulfill.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all i do is experience either my thoughts or my reality and feel something towards it and then based on my "freedom of will" move myself according to my experience where I'd be on a constant pursuit of it, like for instance wanting to experience an extraordinary life, if i can, even though i don't exactly know even for myself what that would mean to me so that I'd be able to create it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be confused about life because of being unpredictable, where promises are rarely fulfilled, not only because of some trick, or joke or lie, but simply because they are impossible to practically pull through, meaning individuals when making them are just way over their head and i know for myself that i was, still am or will be like that so i rather make no promises at all unless i know I'm able to potentially fulfill them or if I'd not take them on, I'd be loosing a try of a lifetime that would have the potential to be successfully done by me, so even if I'd not be 100% sure I'm gonna pull through I'd go try it out, I mean if I'd not to then some other point would probably manifest in the same manner so no point really hiding from the fact that there really is no fact that would guarantee a certain result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to discard everything that I'd not know of as unimportant and bullshit especially if i see I have a negative reaction towards it, and would then rather have that individual change their behaviour so that I'd not have to react towards information coming from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel negative reaction towards something and instead of normally discarding it, still despite having all the negative reactions, go investigate it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like Desteni form the perspective of sharing all my shit i feel need to, like i know that some stuff is way off and out of this world, like it can only be thought and imagined about within an illusions that can be conjured up with the help of the mind (in my case, my mind) i mean if there is no stopping of it and considering what everything can be used for then there is no wonder that within a given time and along all the supportive thinking there must also exist some unsupportive one, i mean if I'd constantly think right I'd most definitely not be in this "shitty" condition I'm in, and i don't want to lie to myself that I've done everything exactly as I'd imagine I'd do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen like, me being seen would mean some kind of a ticket to a "higher" level of consideration, like what is not seen is on "unimportant" and not worthy of dealing with level and what is seen constantly supposedly means of great importance, and then there are other factors where point of influence is hidden behind veils of bullshit, and the other way around where something important has something unimportant to sell in order to exist, thus making the unimportant stuff important because it conditions it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write just because of writing it and not really having anything practical (to my mind) to share other than how not to worry when worry kicks in, how not to suffer this or that when suffering of this or that starts to pest me, about this idea that is great, about that idea that is not so great but still how did it happen, all in all feels like it won't ever be enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be happy because of finishing school and then when happiness went away i again started my search for something to bring it back to my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my voice to shake and not look at people i talk to in the face because of fucked up past i have no understanding of because of being asked about it within a job interview and would after it feel like each and every job I'll look for, I'll have to go through this same experience.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to look for a job elsewhere even though i was told someone would need engineers and even if so i have to make enough money and probably experience to even get to that point, and i feel like I'm letting them down because of looking for a point i was promised to have somewhere else, but i mean if that individual would only see my condition and if individual would be here even then that would change, but it is kind of tricky at least to my mind because practically that is impossible, since that individual is no more.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 06 Jun 2016, 17:23

781: Help me help you
I realized certain things about myself. I still progressively participate in the thinking mind, thinking that i must sort something out within my thought process, because i believe that it is my way of thought that is primarily the reason for what i end up doing in reality and within that how well i am able to create my desires, interests and so on. Mainly i was facing a point of constructive thinking, and even though it is not much, it certainly contributes to whatever it is I'm practically doing, and once i figure out the right way to move myself then i guess best thing would be to shut my mind off. I noticed that i have successfully extended my time of not participating in thought, and even though this can be "supportive" as a let go of certain mind topics that would cause havoc within me, too much of this "ignorance" towards figuring out what to do next within the mind, can leave one stuck in a now, because i mean if I ain't doing anything but breathing all the time it would kind make me think what am i to do with this "instrument" we call mind or brain or whatever we use for projecting thinks.

Anyway i am just trying to make a good argument to excuse me to use my mind (like I'd deliberately prevent myself to want to think anything because I'd only imagine how things are and would through that create kind of a shit storm within me, mainly i'd look at real deal from a negative perspective while hoping for positive to happen) and within that minding things would finally dug up a memory that was insignificant at start for me because i saw a clear end of how it would supposedly had to go down in order for me to be acceptable to me, but as it turns out this piece of information actually supported me in realizing that despite all the plotting and scheming and planning to get my interests in motion it was actually kind of all in the air for me. So because there was obviously no way in hell that I'd get this thing going for me without me participating in actually moving myself i decided to despite all the other reasons that are to me still plausible - making a world best for all place, or at least making it more fair than it is - yet they are to my mind even harder to manifest than one particular reason - me being a "supermarket" trying to stick my dick into point of interest (to put it short, though i had many more things that would come up within me on a topic of relationships) - but that was not really the only problem to me.

Main game i found myself playing in the end was always who gets what on account of what who gave. I saw this as a humbleness problem and because of this i on the other hand (call me schizophrenic) avoided relationship as soon as I'd find some potential to create one. My story always repeated that either i got hooked up on some girl that I'd not attract, or if i got to a stage where I'd get myself attractive for a woman and I'd find a couple of points that I'd on a conversation level not like about her I'd instantly drop the "act" or the "program" i was initially in. Kind of a heart breaker i saw myself, and i don't want to make myself look like someone outstanding due to this, in fact i find it conflicting that it can't go any other way than either one sees a benefit in separation and the other gets completely crushed by event. In fact i was looking for this perfect fit for me and it took some magic - to put it bluntly - before i figured out the fact that no matter who it is I'd eventually find something I'd not like about them, then my perfection would crumble and instead on working it out with another I'd just go away without a word, believing that is who they are and they will not change, because i know myself that i can't change (though i proved myself wrong on this account too) and thus no point being with someone I'd be at constant war with and the only thing keeping me and another together would be sex. I mean that is how i saw relationships, one big pretending to cover up hostile nature of survival of anything of one.

All in all my mind is pretty fucked up around this point, and i don't want to blame some god that supposedly contributed to the larger part in the making of the mind. I also don't want to blame the society which I'd learn from, but i particularly want to blame me because I'd on occasions imagine really terrible things of what is possible to do in reality and even though i had a pretty good idea how to stop these kind of thoughts once they become too intense and would then go the opposite of denying whatever I'd believe is possible just to sort of repent myself from what I'd participate in, it really did left a mark on me. I mean it is just a thought, as some insignificant illusion piece of information, but once it is made it is kind of too late and it does speak volumes of what I am truly inside of me as some truth of what i participate in where i can believe the notion that nothing is really hidden and what i do inside of my head when believing it is only i that sees it, is actually causing influence on anyone that would be able to and at the same time dare to observe.

In such humbleness would be part of transcendence of all the evil shit to my mind, yet sometimes asking for help would seem even more compromising that dealing with the point myself. In fact I'd see it as some sort of blockade to for instance experience someone offering help, when no one would ask for it and it would be a reason of polite gesture, survival or anything really that would motivate one to offer such support. I'd for instance found out this program within me where me offering help to someone was actually a reaction towards me wanting something from that someone, and offer of help was actually a layer on top of a desire to speak with someone, as in even if it was just a development of a relationship. Then again i could be wrong to think this way of others, this was my own seeing of myself, and while others see it as sort of spite of those that offer it coming from those that would need it and wouldn't dare themselves to go on a quest for it. I'd rather empathise the point that attraction as such is more or less the point of arguing, and there are numerous reasons for supporting the pros or cons of it. Basically one can find a reason for something amongs many of them and then sell it as long as it is pleasing.

Mainly my blockade when it comes to help is having hopes that things would follow a certain line where if that would not stand it would mean a no go, anyway so why seek help at all, but eventually if I'd for instace still exist and would in a way feel lacking anything, then it would eventually come a time where I'd go search for support so either way it is a point of "breaking" where one gives in and can't handle it anymore, thus it is so enticing to not let anything enslave you, despite the fact that you know you are actually enslaved by everything. Cause i mean the most humble point is at the same time most egoistic one, because on one hand being responsible for everything can actually be seen as imposing one mind on how everything should be in order for that mind to feel in balance, yet there are many minds that don't see eye to eye and each conflict that manifests is actually another small step to a resolution (hopefully).

For instance ones that are in places of power will not give it up thus we can assume that because such an eternal inballance is in effect other inballances may also exist, for instance where one would constantly best another at survival and one being would for instance live many lifetimes within a lifetime of another being, that would have that lost or loosing being as a meal. I mean i don't know if things actually go down this way, but I'd at some point in my life when I'd see what farming is really all about imagine how compassion would look like and since i didn't come up with any kind of a solution to either it will be me that will eat a meal and not care about the state of the facts, or i'll feel "compassion" and out of living it starve because I'd not accept the offering. that would offer itself.

I realize that there is fun and that there is serious business, but if I'd for instance in the past not humble myself and go for a walk towards some point that i initially wanted to play the same game I'd judge the point of my attraction was playing, then I'd get nowhere because i mean i didn't had the resources, ability nor intent to make any kind of promises of something going down if or if not something is done. I also saw a deimension of thinking that i have to look for help in a certain kind of state in order to be appropriate subject to be helped, but is searching for help to become like that is the condition it would cancel itself out so no point looking for something that i have to attain in order to get help. Point is that when it is needed it will be searched for, and offering something before it happens to be usefull is on one hand repelling on the other there is no other way to let others know what gets offered. Probably the only thing that is keeping me back is the notion of seeking for some favor that would make me fall into another pocket, like I'm not in enough pockets already.

I know that no one asked me, but for me i only ask for help once i exhaused all the avaliable paths i see for myself i can walk, it would be pointless to me to spend time of another while I'd have open doors and would then get same answers I'd already know i should check up beforehand.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 12 Jun 2016, 19:38

782: Ever facing then

One experience ends, another begins. I've not found myself in a more real situation than this "now" i'm facing. It seems that the way my mind works is not one that would consider world living is such a way but it seems that whatever i considered of how it might work it is nothing but another complication put on to a simplest foundation one might miss or simply fail to consider. It turns out that my knowledge of hierarchical structures is far less complicated than that of reality. To put it plainly you can make the whole world see what the truth is and being given a decision it would would have dive - by free choice i might add - into blindness once more.

I'm facing a point where i see offering of aid and once I'd see myself fit to ask for it, answer that is given is simply to use my best ability to help myself. Then again it may only be my ego speaking and i am not clear to see when to seek it, or with whom.

I also found out that this mess of authority is not a rare sight, in fact it is seen in every hierarchical structure, even in those that claim not being such. Simply put any kind of organization one would inspect it has a head and then it has its arms and legs. Sure there is equality from a sense that each part is dependant on other parts of the body, but in different times, different organs of the body one could say take charge. It is only stubbornness of man that digest rules and then in ones fear of making one look like unfaithful to them, would then follow them to the bitter end even when one would be without a choice but to break the law whatever it may be.

I don't want to prey on how situation stands, but i made a mistake again by making myself believe i deserve something, I'd later again regret. I mean it is not such a big deal now as i look at the consequence and i have, yet another proof that makes me look at myself as not in complete control of myself. Luckily there was no immediate damage done to anyone but myself, and a realization that i am surely in need of self honest change. This time first need to promise it to myself, or as my brain would put it, i should stop having another as an excuse to make me whom I'd best be for myself.

Accumulation of suggestions and opinions got me into a position where they would more evidently contradict each other, and it is high time to rely on myself, meaning if i ask or help of another to give me advice of how to seek further paths into a live able future, i should not expect to get any better advice than the one that made the person that would give me help in a better position that made them who they are. On one end it is a though situation cause i have to start clean, and on the other I'm backed up by this past i decided to be partially spelled up in. I'll just say that I'll make my best effort to live up to certain requests of others, though i see it is not the main problem I'm now working with.

All in all, I've learned allot from my journey, and I'm eager to share more of my experience. I'll try not to whine myself to death, and despite of all the loss i was told I'll suffer, I'm still in this belief that I'll gain something or at least contribute in a way that will influence world in live in for the better. I I'd not know about the consequence my way of living will manifest, and i know i have to do something with myself.

I found out that I should not take into account only some of the things from the experience, and that there are many facets to face and consider in order to suffice certain predicaments. A clear case would be having love for a motivator of a relationship. Surely it is a start but then once that runs what else will it stand that would drive things together. In many a case there are numbers of things I'll have to consider in order to make myself into whatever creation I'll manage to see myself fit to live. As for now i do see a way ahead, and it doesn't show much promise. All i can say is that it will take some time before I'll have any evidence of me becoming anything close to resemble what I've created in my imagination I'd look like.

Either way i know i have no choice in the matter, cause the consequence I'll create will supposedly forever haunt me, now i just wish that I'll not make too many a mistake that would make me suffer what i create, and instead enjoy it. I wish that you'll get treated as you treat others, but then again this may also be always the case. It is an interesting question that, is what we experience a karma in its working hours or are we the condition of giving it reason to play out the way it does.

I also find out another dimension of why I'd secretly react to self forgiveness in a negative way. It bothered me that few words scrambled together would dispel me from something only i myself can take responsibility for, meaning one can just as effectively live without it, then again i was in the past in such a state where I'd see it as redemptive, and surely still will.

I'm just baffled by the notion that nothing is wrong with me, yet all i can muster up in my mind how everything is going not to my plan. Then again it is only my imagination that makes me blind to all I've done, and would in the past see myself as incapable of doing it. Am i even worthy of placing judgements and wishes onto others if I'm self honestly not fit to me to make such remarks.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 15 Jun 2016, 18:27

783: Dimensions of ego

I've been going restless for the last couple of days. Actually i hit that same obstacle of resistance as I'd have it in the past towards learning for exams. This time i had it towards rewriting my curriculum vitae and send it to all sorts of companies. It is interesting that within that point i don't know actually how to present myself appropriately. I did some research what these companies would need and what i should play on and how that relates to what I'd actually want to do. Basically i don't mind what i do as long as it has respectable pay and that i won't get abused where I'd end up working for free while being promised a good income.

In fact this point brought up some of unsorted past. I should rather say unsorted backchat towards certain individuals. Where i can now due to enough experience sort of wrap up what happened and how it all started. First of it was mainly my reaction that would cause me to act out this bursting personality and no matter how many bubbles I'd get burst while having this tendency to not want to blame another for pooping my balloons, because i mean it was another that "get on my nerves" and no matter how pretty they would look or how some aspect of them would make me feel saved, there were chapters of them that would actually make me rather go away than confront such individuals. Basically because the parts of them were attractive I'd get drawn in, but at the same time be repulsed because of being a bit less attractive. In fact i don't really know what all kept me participating in trying to get along with them. Maybe it was just a hunch that it was me that doesn't see the picture right and they which i blame as bad are actually good, and me which I'd tag as good is actually bad. And due to constantly being sold this idea how unaware i am, i thought hell maybe I'll get more aware if i believe them, because supposedly they got it right, so why not blame them along all the bad things that i experienced and reacted with negativity within me, blame them for all the positive ones too.

Despite feeling like an outcast where i could say I'll just wait for someone to come and poke me in a personal way, while I'll keep myself in this try-hard personality to try and make me attractive as hell, pardon haven, where others would supposedly contact me and ask something out of me directly. Cause i mean this was mainly what "got my nerves tangled" where I'd observe another and their ability and competence to create this attraction and within this basically have others that wouldn't be able to resist contact them, ask them for help and through that employ themselves, basically sell info that is either completely useless because one can't help oneself with it due to not having any kind of access into domains of influence, or it is of such a nature that one could find an answer within themselves if one would only want to research those aspects that could relate to an answer. But all in all i think it is positive because obviously there was no one beforehand that would conduct into such research and experiments. I mean it is a generally fresh and new branch of science, as it could be put.

Dealing with the fact that for instance i don't have certain abilities that others would, and how that gave them options to live out, it would really get to me in instances where I'd believe that it is actually so, as if i'd not be able to make myself in such a way. And while I'd for instance have my doubts I'd actually take way, where I'd try to disprove something through deduction and usage of my own mind, while being told by the point I'd "not" trust that i can't trust my own mind. All in all it smelled like fear and i knew about the one i had within me, it was just the fear of another that I'd know I'd only bullshit myself about in both cases of believing there is one or there is none.

Also i noticed how i had a problem to relay this information to another where i basically wanted to blame or patronize another how they are doing something bad because they were creating attraction for themselves to then fish for others that would need their help, and to my experience I'd usually see that as abusive where lack of another is used to fill up our own lacks with what another is not lacking, thus making this attraction game a conduit for distribution of goods we find lacking, except maybe in terms of relationships. As per that topic i admit it has more to do with luck than any kind of theory crafting, OK if you have money you can simply "buy" partner for life, it is just that the relationship will be kind of weird, but that is only personal view. Anyway what i wanted to point out was that i had really an agony within me about this point because of not seeing myself as capable as others in the regard of how well they were able to draw in other people to a point where they would make them buy words, or better put it "they chose freely" to buy information. Certainly some of it was and still is really supportive. Basically my probable problem was that i wanted to learn it all the hard way on my own so to speak and while being low on income and meanwhile that having some sort of affinity to greed where I'd only buy stuff that I'd find "purposeful", I'd still have the capacity of buying information out of fear, that is if I'd not hear it I'd loose something in the future that I'd otherwise could gain. Basically as far as i was aware I'd only end up buying information to make another a living, cause i had an overwhelming sense that the thing just doesn't stand as i'd portray it to be standing and i kind of liked the idea that i was being "taken care of" because I'd share some info and then I'd get it back through another, which naturally created an attraction towards another. If nothing else in a case of this repeating too much it would be obvious that there is more than coincidence.

Another point is my possession with facts and how I'd use or probably abuse this to prove my point and additionally create conflict, simply because i myself didn't want to take that leap of faith and simply believe certain things on account of coincidence and the fact that i am always stay limited in some aspect, and that alone should give me the required knowledge that if i am to gain anything i should also risk certain things i possess, because i mean even if i look at the thing from complete self interest point of view, and while knowing that others have a trait of it as well then surely I'd be stupid to expect any kind of profit if i alone fear risking an investment while expecting something greater than what i put in in return. It is like thinking that I'm so great that I'm in win win situation anyway, while wanting to get something out of not giving anything in.

Along many other poitns i kind of faced lately and wanted them to sort them out is looking at a certain claim that sort of caused tipping of a scale within me, meaning I'd react even if I'd not want to, or put it plainly no matter how shitty consequence I'd create for myself because of speaking my mind. Limited as it may look, it is when one being self righteously puts oneself above other beings and then when I'd for instance try out the same gag it wouldn't play well with them. Cause i mean what is the point of such a behaviour if one knows that if another would do this they wouldn't like it, and how can one then expect to be attractive for another if the exact same kind of behaviour doesn't attract them towards another. Cause i mean this point alone made me kind of secretly "hate" another but just because they were so attractive in other aspects I'd keep it all in, and if situation wouldn't be as it is I'd probably never reveal this publicly. I mean i thought myself as a schizophrenic because of loving and hating one at the same time, well not at the same, either i loved or hated, it just seemed to flip sides every now so often. I mean imagine having a bully society, full of bullies and then the greatest bully once on top (lets say one of all wins the game) realizes that collective situation is not sustainable and that there is imminent end to even think about bullying a bit more. Lets say it is believed that everything will collapse and we'll have to start all over again. Wouldn't it be strange to you that once the biggest prick that would cause much harm due to not wanting to let go of certain idea of themselves would now changed become enlightened enough to stop bullying others, but now bullshit how others must behave in order to be proper and acceptable. I mean surely such a being would give us the honors to show what kind of shit in some respect we all collectively contributed to.

All in all I've learnt much about myself how i can deliberately blind myself from certain ideas while promoting others, at which I'd mostly use my opinion that I'd wholeheartedly question, and before I'd ever express certainty, I'd rather rely on how much i doubt myself if I'm doing the right thing, but underneath it all there is a point that i should simply cut it, because I'd in fact see that others would be annoyed by me. The only thing that would bug me was that I'd never get any feedback why it is like that, but then again I'd behave in a similar way in the past. Maybe the reason was that I'd behave like a dick and then have an eternal excuse to pay back to get on the good side of another in hopes that they won't do the same to me.

I mean the way i see it, it is me going to church and then confess all my sins to priest, only that in this case, its just you reading me whine about all my unsorted negative reactions I'd have and hide just because of believing that I'd loose something if i express myself what i honestly think of the situation at hand. Doesn't mean that I'm right. Doesn't mean all is lost with regards of making a good relationship with community, though i know my writings may as well contribute to such an event, in which case I'm not entirely aware of me doing it. It certainly feels that it is that way. I mean if a step is taken to indirectly influence a mind of another, isn't it the same if it would be done directly.

I only find it interesting that on one hand this game is play on who is dependant on who where at my beginning it was painted so that I'd want to run away from the thing and now as i try to show I'm in for getting a piece of the action I'm actually getting this sense that it would better off without me. Like if 'd run away it wouldn't be good, but if i show that i want to get closer it wouldn't be good either. In a way i know i played myself deliberately where if i were told to go slow, I'd go too slow, if i were told to go fast I'd go too fast, rarely I'd do it just right, then again the nature of movement is such that it would always find something unaligned to the interest of self, and if you'd let me go my way, well then, all I'd say is that I'll hope I'll see you again, cause usually i just run away towards something new in a random direction especially if i don't have any particular idea what to do with myself and no particular interest in anything, and if I'd have i surely know that I'd mostly have this stage of failing before I'd be able to reap any successful results.

Don't get me wrong i do respect help that is offered it is just that on an abstract level it is easy to confuse opinion with the "one way out" of the compromising situation. Words are just one step out many that don't necessarily need to take place. Where as selling products of a substantial nature actually requires some real work. Though i could argue that words alone are enough to ease an unsettled spirit, but then there are so many more things one can do than just write or speak. I am well aware of the problem of occupation that even if one has practically settled survival aspects, one is still left with a significant amount of time that can be used in various ways.

No harm intended, though i think some may find it so. I know that knowing how much i don't know is same as claiming how limited the mind is because that is what i at least use to create all the arguments to justify and excuse my action. Most complicated thing within this would be to whom i should align to if we are for instance all equal yet we are prone to put some that are deemed special due to their capabilities on the pedestal, while trying to make them experience less of a consequence that all in the long run must see ourselves through, i mean why are then exceptions even allowed. What is the use of having a clean slate if each beginning is exactly the same, leading to same consequence and then just forgiving the shit that accumulated. Not changing a thing in the process. Worst thing i did for myself was that I'd claim I'd know the solution, then trying to "sell" it to others and then claim it was responsible behaviour while stating how i don't really know if it is and it was responsible within a limited frame of mind, when actions would practically manifest stuff that would undeniably hurt. I mean if we have the guts to call this an illusion we clearly need to suffer a bit more in order to start respecting actual consequences we manifest for ourselves, or the other way around why do we like it so much when we enjoy it? And i don't want to pretend, my current situation is a blessing compared to what i had in mind what I'll face in a future to come. Yet i still feel it is not exactly what I'd want for myself to see, then again i know that if things stand this way there really was no other path we'd be worthy of walking than the one we undeniably face. I mean we know that we are dealing with uncertainty, though it is worth mentioning that whatever certainty there is we pursue, we must always be aware that in the end it may as well not be so. I guess that is why we do create so much good intent and in the end when we succeed with it, go seek forgiveness for all the negatives we also caused along the way, despite good intentions.

Self forgivness next time

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 20 Jun 2016, 18:53

Day 784: Can't go without ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the creation of a relationship like a thing of competition where one decided to invest into themselves in a specific way where they become attractive and basically create themselves attractive and let that attraction supposedly influence minds of others to be drawn towards point of attraction so that one that is attractive "forces" the attracted to first initiates themselves to move and ask for help to fulfill, and then because I'm such a drag, instead of just sticking to the point of being shared about how i should responsibly take me on, and what i feel when i think too much about the certain situation, I'd actually somehow manage to additionally compromise situation for me because instead of simply seeing it as is being shared, like it has been thought out and tested out already how it works best I'd go and find that insignificant piece of information how supposedly this kind of action is not really appropriate. I mean everyone is keep doing it, each commercial we see on TV, each claim how our action is best one in an overall sense, each statement that is done, is done in such a light where as few individuals as possible would get the opportunity to not agree with something that is being shared and, in that forgetting that that is the point i mean if it is best for all it theoretically should make everyone love it, because if all benefits from something then naturally not one would be against it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become such a being where i don't even know what the hell it is that is giving me such a feedback within me and how it get to be this way where I'd react towards it be it observation of reality or observation of my own mind making up process and then just not be able to hear another in what they are speaking as right completely, i mean in their own way can understand it is right for them, because i mean we normally say things the way we see them right for us, but then how another sees it is similar kind of, though it is not worthwhile going into all sort of possible interpretation of some trigger that causes different outflows within others. Surely it is always aimed to have it all understand it, but what I'd face within me is this distrust towards people and this would basically mess up potentials for having relationship with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is only one point or reason why i am the way that i am, instead of seeing that there are many aspects that are not in line with what I'd have to be and do and express in order to be fitting into some situation that I'd for instance desire to be in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create desires so that I'd be energetically bound into something that would on the other hand repulse me. Like in my schizophrenic case I'd have this untamed, and really small reaction towards some point this individual was using and while I'd not want to relay it to them directly because of whatever reason i saw, maybe i was even spiteful deliberately and just let them find it on their own, no matter how much misery it would cause me, and maybe it the point i wanted to hold against someone was not really that significant as I'd made it to be yet it did influence me to along side fear for instance cause somewhere down the line complete ignorance, cause i mean that is what fear does, it makes you ignore what you fear facing and i in my "special" cause needed something to grab onto to, to at least from an energetic level have a reason to participate in something that logically didn't make any sense to me or need for it within life, yet everyone wants to live, yet all are not willing to give up unfulfilled desires that are usually mind conditioned through other being like creating a dependency on how others would behave, and that those unfulfilled desires because of not being let go of, would then cause such havoc. And within this I'd "fall" for it in a certain way deliberately so that something would give me reason to go against my own mind in full force. And within this i forgive myself to feel somehow constrained to be successful because what this desire within me being so and while actually not being is really best to let go of success in some aspects, since it looks like time for that is nowhere near. I mean if i really want to create something for me that i don't actually work on then what is the point of me wishing to be so when i don't intent on to even lift a finger to at least express a slight notion to make thing happen according to what i desire, cause then it is obvious that i don't desire it as intensely as i claim. Like there is something else hidden and secret i am not willing to look at or express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that whenever i enjoy myself it is actually ego that is being fed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i have to live without ego in order to be best for all and thus i shouldn't enjoy, and that if i am ego I'll experience revenge of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see revenge of the ego in two maybe three lights, where one is damage that is done onto oneself the second where damage is done onto others and third that maybe time will reveal to me, or maybe it is good to have ego, you know to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is unlimited amount of energy that i can feel in order to feed ego, when not seeing that actually what i feel is energy flow and the experience i get from it is actually balancing of energy from one system into the others.

I mean like if we have law of constant mass and energy, and maybe even space, how can such a thing as entropic death exist (even though we do die at some point) if there is only so much energy available in a closed system and all the systems that are within such a closed system and are open (to a certain extent), how can we believe that we can cause an entropic death if all we ever do is either take available energy and then contain it in a smaller space to only then release it back into the system we took it from in the first place thus there is no such thing as energetic overload to the existence because if there is such a state were the existence (as a closed system) would be at its peak of energy levels it would simply mean that energy is equally distributed throughout the whole system. Well only if space is unlimited then if we'd squeeze existence into smaller space then that same amount of energy in a smaller space would mean that the density would contribute to a notion that there is more of it, but even then i believe that other variables would squeeze also so proportions would then be the same and nothing would really change within such a squeezed space, or maybe I'm not seeing something right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that something is wrong with me because i do what i think is best for me and then because of creating a desire and failing to make it real, i mean either creating an unfulfillable desire that is making me create misery because I'd not make it real or that which i think i do that is best for me is not really and i should really do things some other way so that the "desire" would get fulfilled, cause i mean either I'd work things I'd love working on knowing they might bare fruit or to not work on them at all. Surely i could go in deeper and then blame patience is the problem, but if that is not, what is it then? I still think letting go is the best option and even though settling for less only seems that way because of deeming myself more than what others would see me, but hell if i can't do anything about it at the moment surely things will change in future, be it for better or the worse I'll always know it is just as it was suppose to be and if simply doesn't exist.

When and as i see myself so important that others would feel some loss if i were to remove myself from their life, or make them unhappy because I'd for instance stop interacting with them, and within that then conclude that i am wanted in some respect, and after I'd try to get too close experience them pushing me away, and I'd assume that because I'm not wanted in that way, I'm not wanted in any way, i stop and breathe and realize that if they would have it all against me I'd be shut out, but i guess there is something that would attract others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anyway think that the most egoistic thing to think is that I'd make this existence purely for myself to enjoy while others would have to do all the hard work, and the only thing that got in the way of this egoistic mind (also responsible mind, cause supposedly there is something good about the fact that if you consider what everything gets affected by your actions in some way is actually everything) ,was actually love where I'd imagine that the only way I'd want to experience myself within a relationship with anyone is if they would willingly express it so that the only condition left would be me, and otherwise it is pointless to move myself towards something that I'd repel, it would be kind of the same as having carrot on a stick in front of me, only this time another would behave that way. Kind of like what shepherds are doing they go left sheep go right and if they go right sheep go left. For me it is extremely hard to make a straight path, meaning sticking to some plan.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bet on myself of what i should be in order to be best for all and I'd not let anyone tell me what that is, especially in a case where I'd for instance interpret another in a wrong way than what they would for instance intent, like saying something to me where they would intently work on me deciphering it in a particular way while them knowing that it can be taken in a different way so that they would "protect" themselves from apparent double meaning consequence that would happen where people would live in a fucking paradise for all i know and would still whine about how other side of the planet is suffering their wealthy lives because only positives get expressed but all the negative shit, yeah lets deal with it, let us find a way to not express it, be responsible for all the bad and express the good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself talking/writing about that bad part of planet and not do anything about it, i mean sure i could have an excuse of sharing awareness, but reporting is just not my thing, it is like telling on someone how "bad" they are and then leaving it at that. Although i can't really blame myself if i don't know what else to do, like in all of my lost-ness i managed to spend all my time in this way and that is that. I mean it is a paradox that one would try to save the whole world when even just trying to save one person makes others react with too much of a saviour personality can be really annoying and it makes another even less likely to like you, but in some cases supposedly that worked miracles to beings, where it was exactly what they needed. Like for me situation is such that I'd get enforced help whenever I'd not want it and once I'd look for it there was no one that would willing to help, hence it is hard for me to really try and look for help when I'd for instance know I'm perfectly able to help myself and looking for help at another just because of making a good commercial about it would actually make me imagine what I'd need help with, and not finding it would mean like I'd might look too fulfilled for some so they would deliberately try and create "something" wrong out of nothing to then fulfill their role of a saviour that offer help. I mean to me it is interesting how this intent to live creates this sort of a game where I'd fight for certain principles and not allow certain kind of behaviour while at other times it would be evident that it is the only way out. Gain more than what you invest otherwise you perish supposedly, and it is kind of hard to get out exact amount as you'd give in even though all mathematical principles work this way. And math is the only thing that is more reliable than any kind of "prophesying", pardon if there was any kind of prophecy made it was with the help of math, thus i don't really get how we still fool ourselves into supposed "more" if there is no magic that would create something out of nothing, despite best intentions that i as an average mathematician believes that nothing existed only at the start and never more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that life is about experiencing it, like experience of it tells us if we live in a "correct" way or not, because i mean I've tried many times to "trick" myself into for instance liking someone I'd really not, or try to not like something i really did, and to a certain extent this taking on the responsibility in order to tame oneself while being subjected to certain kind of events that are completely out of my control and taking control over oneself is usually the starting step and once that is settled one can move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I'll stay like this for the rest of my life not knowing what i do wrong that would mess up given opportunities that i make for myself and then in the crucial moments basically just squander them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my education due to now I'm legally not able to take on a job that would pay less, i mean i can still work for lower salary in a spectrum of grey economy, but work provider has to pay me according to my education and now it is even harder for me to get any kind of work that is "beneath" my legal education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of first time meetings that i won't give good impression and will overall fail to present myself in an effective way where I'd be seen as someone that is worth trusting or at least tryed to be invested in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make plans "B" my priority and still stick to this plan "A" that is taking a lot of time to sprout any results and suggestions of others of what is best for me. I mean to a certain extent i agree with situation at hand, cause the other day as i found some new potential connections for a job, i was actually told that i should take a longer break, like in life from all the things, like i think or do too much, while my backchat is constantly on telling myself that i don't do enough and that I'm enjoying too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i shouldn't worry on how much work i do, like there is some sort of statistics I'll face when i die and when I'll be compared to others, like some sort of god writing a book will tell me that i joked around too much and not enough serious honest work was done by me and thus I'll not get pleasures i otherwise would have if I'd be more practical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when i am enjoying myself, like because some kid is suffering on the other side of the planet, i now have to with all strength fight the system that supposedly contributed to such an event and i should at the very least not enjoy myself especially when some have no choice but to suffer the consequence that collective behaviour manifested.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to constantly express this negative energy due to the state of the world and thinking it will change anything, while what it actually does is just going on nerves of others, i mean that is how i find it sometimes when i hear other people expressing their nonacceptance of the state of the world, and now i have to be like them because i like part of them and in order to be liked by them i have to do exact same thing they do, while expecting change when i saw that there is none. I mean surely there is a critical mass to everything. I mean whole world whining how shitty it is not gonna change anything. And for instance in politics, at least in my country I'd see myself as another not required entity that would only complicate things more, and while there are politicians watching football mid congress, and while thinking there are just too many of them on a job that would otherwise throughout history require one sound mind to decide we now have many interests at play that complicate things and are just doing something like completely unknown to me, but then again it never interested me to know what sort of deals are in action, cause that is how i see it, market of interests. Though my personal dream would be a world without problems of power nature. Where people wouldn't beat the shit out of eachother becuase they firmly believe it is their right to have more than another. I mean isn't that what war is all about usually, about what some want to possess, or in a more existential language are possessed by. And then harm is caused and no one wants to blame themselves and that which they so beautifully felt under conducted action. My personal bet is on the long run, i mean i don't wish harm to anyone because short sighted fulfillments may aswell bring better long term results, cause waiting and patience in some cases causes even more drastic events.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see forgiveness as empty words. or maybe it will solve the main problem,

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that it would be better for me to not write at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get my mind blown and is still not enough, like the only reason was to experience what it is like to believe there is some supposedly greater power at play, while i try and fight my way through the program of it to what I'd like to experience, like the only thing that can possibly stand in my way is choice that of another, and within that i automatically assume that others won't agree with me, cause that is what i successfully more or less manage to manifest throughout my life and it is not even about blaming anothers' interest or what another does, it is just that what bothers me is how i hang up myself on words of another and then go to extremes with such claims, where given enough time as it always did best way has yet to reveal itself and what one must do, even break a vow, but i don't stop there i take all that "ancient" that showed itself as impossible to live up to and then keep throwing it into a face of another that found it so useful for that moment when wind blew into opposite direction.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 28 Jun 2016, 14:25

785: Introspecting experienced past

I was told of a certain joke that a friend of mine told to his friend and how it came out wrong. Basically girl was offended by what he said to her. It signified a pattern that he found funny because of people coming together and breaking up, and how he expressed a fact that now she only needs one boyfriend from the coast and she will have have guys from all mayor areas in our country.

Realization that even though most of things that we say have double meaning where one can simply by choice see a certain thing in a way one trusts it more, there is a definite polarization to it where it would be more likely regarded in a one or the other way, and then appropriate reaction of a feeling or maybe emotion would come with it, and by then it is "too late" because it is hard to see the other side of the picture due the feel about it is too strong to consider there might be something more to it than what first meets the eye.

This reminded me with my current situation where i am facing reactions towards this individual that each time i come close to, she starts giving me orders for some tasks, or she starts humming, or moaning, or just talking about things, asking me questions... Overall it is tempting to me to piss off about the point, and since i have experience of being like that in the past I've decided to at least stop my part of the deal. What has happened that usually when I'd go to the toilet, I'd then do my self forgiveness about the point... many times and even though i managed to keep myself in check and for number of occasions, I'd play it cool and calm, I'd still fail to keep myself to the ground. I mean descending into hell and becoming a demon for a moment is only a tool to try and influence and change another, but it doesn't change anything really. I doubt that nice word would do the trick also, so I've found it best to keep my mouth shut and not say anything, especially because i don't know what to say, i mean i explained it best way i could see what is happening.

This brought memories of my past when i was living a groundhog day from a certain perspective and i literally because of some repeating pattern that was really unpleasant to me, test out different kinds of reactions. In fact this point made me ponder so much that I'd in certain cases before I'd go to sleep what all i can exist as as a reaction. Basically i was checking out what kind of responses i can play out, and even though they were fake from certain perspective, the one natural that felt most honest even though it was me screaming out my lungs didn't have any significant effect. I mean to me it was my honest expression, but it just didn't do the trick. I "abused" this reoccurring pattern and basically test out this list of what way i could react towards the happenings, and surely enough it made me insane in the end cause nothing would work. It was good training tho, i because of it stopped fearing what those I in argument with, would do to me, I mean that fear that would usually follow up on reality would stop existing and that inner magic i figured had most to with the thing was the ability to sober up from any kind of moment and then just do what i wanted to do, meaning behave. It was really silly at some point because once i tried to tell a joke in mids of all the yelling, and even though no one listened to me, my focus on telling the joke made me realize that i don't have to feel anything for another or what another wants me to feel though their word. Call me compassionless but that is how it was. I stripped life from myself in those moments and innocent ignorant bystander just ended up waiting for situation to exhaust. This was in moments when i had myself in control.

However, i can still recall memories when i took the highroad and I'd load out on others. It is like at first you see yourself having a point and then to make an impact you raise your voice just a little bit in its volume and then when you see everyone is up and at you, you kind of feel good about yourself and then you can flip the sides from being motivated by feeling, to be motivated by having more of it.
It is like nuclear reaction, where first energy defines you, and then you start defining energy, feeding on it, it feels great, kind of but it is more difficult to stop. It is kind of a knowing what one would feel if one does something, then the feeling that is attained becomes like a drug, and because of wanting to get more of it more of that doing whatever it is is required in order to feel something towards the creation.

I guess there are few outflowing aspects that were always interesting to me. First of i knew that there is no way back and once i do or try out some way of behaviour there is no going back. Sometimes I'd express the other option if I'd fuck things up, and it did clear things up, but sometimes there was no opportunity for this. A practical case would be when someone would do something that would trigger you into you doing something and then once damage is done, another would supposedly be to blame.
What I'd not been able to argue about this point was that if one case would be looked in this way all of them should be and it would make things significantly more complicated. Even if actions stem from self, self is influenced by actions from other selves. Through this blame game we could go back and come to source of it all, and if there was one being at the start that blow up into many beings then anyone was certainly part of it. And since blame game option is out of the question because eternity of the past is far far away there is another way to look at things and that takes a bit more, i dare not say pondering, but i mean one has to think of what one then does. I'll rather just say experience with a bit of luck. Though this preprogramming still bothers me, cause i mean if people claim that they had this planned to live through, i don't know the exact number, like tens of thousands of decades back, or so they claim, this made me question what if all action reaction type of behaviour has to be preprogrammed as well in order to facilitate the conditions so that one would then had the ability to claim everything goes as planned. I mean in such a case no matter what happens it is just part of the plan. So if half of the planet is starving was the plan to make it stop or, it needed starvation in order to have a reason for it to exist, as it the plan was considering it would happen so it would give it the reason to exist. My bet is that just like then when things were at bit unfair, it is same now, still unfair.

I was a bit evil here i know but it is weird to me that i rarely know if something that is happening a reason or an outflow for creation's point of view. I mean even my blog had a certain drive to it where i admit i thought I'll get something out of it that I've seen i won't, but still I'd then do try to make an effort to at the least share something that is not entirely selfishly conditioned. Hell I felt like running away from this whole thing, but i'm so in part with it, i think it would only get even worse if i'd completely stop participating.

Even in a case of self forgiveness where I'd personally question the whole thing if it is really anything less or more than a bunch of words. I certainly didn't want to see myself to forever forgive myself for each and every stupid thing i make that makes me suffer, cause i can see plenty of them coming my way. And while there is this principle of i wish you as little as nothing of self forgiveness, because i mean if there is nothing to forgive yourself for then you are doing great, feeling great did everything right thus no self forgiveness is necessary, i mean it is not necessary even if you did something wrong, but still people say it is the thing that does the trick to at least make your peace with standing of things. I certainly admit that in my nervous breakdown days, i'd do lots of self forgivness on fear of others and woudn't help one bit. It was just a though cookie to chew up and swallow. How i'd usually deal with my emotional trauma is that i'd simply wait for it to stress out, waiting for invested energy to deplete through time. I mean thinking has a lot of holes in it and through those holes perceptions change and so energy changes also with it. I mean one can have, pardon must have an amount of energy to function with it, it is just the question what sort of and how it will be used. I mean i'd have this anger energy and then i'd use it on pushing myself to do the most responsible thing i could see worth doing, despite the fact that i'd rather piss off and resist responsible behaviour.

I guess what got to me most is how I'd interpret stuckness of individuals within their mind frame and how I'd be stuck within my own. Once i was told how it can be seen through written words if i was in energy or not. I'm no rocket scientist, but it is unfair to me that certain beings would use their mind to frame the mind of another without letting another to frame theirs. I mean it is like some are allowed to use their imagination to interpret things whatever way they please and others are apperently less educated on the matter. As if all is known to them, and base on that relationship is created. This to me goes on the contrary of how we should behave if we want to make peace with our "enemies". I mean if you argue with one being on this planet about how things should stand in reality you'll never have peace. It is easy to find something that doesn't suit you. And as things in the end usually go is either you keep your distance, or you try to change yourself to suit another, or you try to make another suit you, but in the long run reality usually gives you the right idea how things should really stand.

What bothered me most is how certain individuals would tell me how my mind works, how they would know better how i feel than myself. I mean i know that i have some fucked up imagination when I'd for instance want to cross reference if dreams of another are in the same place as dreams of mine. Like lucid dreaming things is simply a more forced version of the natural one when we sleep to rest. I'd literally think that some people would know this and would not let me give the conformation, as in i should figure it out for myself and make up my own mind about how things work. I mean certainly i hope that when it will be too late I'll find out the truth, even though that is uncertain, the truth part i mean, things always become too late eventually. I found myself being partially insane because of this point, like if it is true others have some explaining to do, and if it is not then I'm wasting time with bullshitting myself and letting my imagination be influenced by some irrelevant data that is then influencing the relationship with others. I mean it would be normal for me that I'd keep my distance before making any kind of definitions, but in all of this mess in the end i know that my problems lie only with me. I think i still don't trust others. I know that trusting oneself is usually like this cheerleader in the head that would encourage you to move a certain way while knowing that any way would create uncertain results, so being still is just postponing whatever it is, one is able to think of doing. What is also interesting in all of this is that inaction can get you further than for instance taking action, but being inactive all of the time is a guaranteed knockout of the game we call life. Also being too hasty can get you on your knees, and if going to slow others might run you over. Thing is that the composition has to be done in a correct way. Sometimes it is good to wait and let others knock themselves out of the game sometimes it is good to be active. It certainly only depends on how well versed in action one is. I don't really know what best course of action is, but even if i did, the way things currently are, i doubt i'd share it before testing it out for myself.

In my case where I'd try to use all sorts of emotions or feelings to influence things with my expression, or i should say it was more of a deliberate act like in a movie, so that the watchers of it would get so caught up in it, it would change their sate of mind and through that I'd sometimes make them stop arguing between themselves. Such was my experience, but all in all it is not the only thing that is important especially the part of what we feel. I mean just look at reality how many things exist to express at the same time and most of them have no direct connection with what we feel. I mean either we do action which we feel good about or we use pure logic to move our self in the perceived right direction, that which we feel is only part of the story that has much more to it than just feeling, though i do admit that inner peace is a feeling that is supposedly sought by some cause of having none.

I can brag about myself that I've successfully momentarily transcended the point of not knowing and wanting to know certain things. This means I'm no longer bothered by the fact that i didn't get allot of answers i wanted to know from the perspective of my self interest. I did however got answers from interest of another, all i am certain of is that they according to their judgment meant well, and according to my own i don't even know if I'm able to follow the path in a correct way. But for now i do feel certain peace with myself, though i am sure things are going to get a bit more rough in the future. All in all i do much better, where previously I'd think of my life and endless flow of nervous breakdowns because of deliberately wanting to piss of some individuals in places of "power" and i don't really care much what kind of hell I'll have for myself in the afterlife if there is such a thing, but all in all i feel much better. Only thing that bothers me really is that i want a bit of a short of a vacation and i am unable to find the time. There is almost all the time something that needs doing.

Well only only mental obstacles i still have within me is that due to constant thinking and processing of things in order to fix my behaviour. I mean i fucked up my mental situation big time, just by seeking answers i was obsessed with to get, and when I'd not get them it would bother me allot. In fact so much that I'd start to blame others that supposedly know allot if not everything on the subject and even at that point considering that I'd only partially trust them or not at all, or maybe i would from some perspective, or in a really really rare case scenario where I'd completely trust them, I in the end found out that same thing where the problem was mostly me and my intentions. The real ones the secret ones, the tricky ones. Sometimes i share them sometimes I'll forever keep them for myself, but all in all it does bother me that simple fact that i really don't know how to behave in crucial moments and would thus for instance fuck up a relationship or a potential for it. Then again if something smelled wierd no matter how much I go against me, it was worth not standing for it, despite the fact that i'd for instance seach for moments i'd compromised me that i'm being so against something that others would promote and advertise with such passion. It was just too repelling for me, i coudn't see myself changing in such a way where i'd with no reaction agree with the thing, thus i simply not stand for it. Unless if i force myself enough into resisting direction it would then become a "natural" thing to do. But even then it would be hard for me to be true to something.

Either way all this thinking and "working" with my mind got me (ironically) thinking that this won't stop just like that. On one side i know it is my doing and my responsibility of what i work inside of myself on the other side i think I'm just dragged along, like mind is some god that doesn't want to ever shut up and until I'm alive I'll have to keep listening to whatever it has to say. In both cases i see how everything is unstoppable and even if stop is for a moment. Like at the red light for instance, when the green will turn on others would piss about me for not moving on. So it is like the momentum of life forces you to move on. Like even if I'd deliberately choose to be stuck it seems impossible because sooner or later someone would influence me and my stuckness. In fact once I've heard this being that we should forgive for everything that we think or feel or something like that and i found it impossible to live like that. I think this contributed most that i really find self forgiveness annoying. But i did have a pretty good reason to do it, like if i were to share my deepest secrets with it maybe others would as well and through that truth would spread like a disease. It would create chaos for sure, but some claim that the most pretty things are born out of it. Of course it didn't work. If anything i have more secrets than ever, not that I'd not want to share them there are just so many of them, it would take me an eternity to write them out and who would even want to be bothered by them. Not thinking and not feeling is a fairy tale that if exists, it doesn't last long, or eternally. I believe that there will always be something going on inside of my mind and something new that will happen in reality that I'll react towards and i find it limiting that for each reaction or thought I'd have to forgive it. I believe in this universal law that if it doesn't work for each case scenario it probably is not the right solution. I mean the right thing would set all scenarios straight not just some and even those only partially. I don't know if it is really so, but considering the amount of time it takes reality to react towards something set is instant, though it can sometime takes a lifetime for really see the evidence of it. Lifetime can be a really long or short thing. But then this fact that we are all a bit different in our uniqueness and for each one of us there is a supposed different solution to solve with thus this universal law, kind of becomes really complicated because we can either have an abundance of laws each for its unique case or just have one really complicated one that would supposedly encompass all the available options that might happen.

And as far as me and laws go, it is just matter of time before something that is through the mind imposed on reality to meet its end. It is up to individual that would do it, or simply reality forces you to break. For me laws are meant to be broken, this is what my English teacher told me. I was not on best terms with her but then again i wasn't with many people. I mean even those that i wanted to get on good terms with, because I'd supposedly want something from them that i couldn't give to myself, I'd not be really successful in creating that same kind of attraction that they would create for themselves. But i mean i was more or less trying if the thing would go through, thus it was more likely doom to fail than success. Then again i never seem to find the right place for myself. Also it is much easier to find something that i don't want, than to find what i do want, as in what would interest me. What i do find interesting that in the end the way i fell about something of interest is how it would define further action. It stays like a trait on you where one event defines you and then you take that definition of yourself to be influenced by it in your new action. I'm not saying go and close yourself in a dark room to forget all the influences before you take the next "pure" step. It is pointless. I'd rather suggest work out the magic within yourself to make the trick happen where you would for instance just for the sake of it stop laughing even when it would be really something to laugh at. or for instance when in anger simply stop. No need for forgiveness in such a case. Simply a case of self control, accepting what happened.

Think of whatever you want as a toy on a shelf that a kid (me) wants, but can't have it because his mother needs money for more important things than toys. He yells and screams for it until he tires and realizes that not everything wanted can be attained. That toy can really represent anything that one would want and wouldn't get. I mean surely mind is at a "loss" but i know for certain that if that boy would get that toy he would soon forget it he wanted it so badly and would through time mean nothing to him, even though he at first wanted it so bad, he'd turn into a "demon" meaning being angry cause of not getting what he wanted.

I'll stop now i think I'm possessed with writing my mind out.

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 04 Jul 2016, 07:36

786: Filtered out information

I know I've not been the best being i could been. I can't imagine how weird it is that I'd talk about how others behave badly while i know i can do and do the same. I know that information i share is only partial of what really goes down inside my head and i do work on myself in such a way where i try to be calm about what i participate within my mind for real, as if I'd known if I'd chosen the to really share what I'd think, it would only add more proof of a ruined picture of me, than portray a perfect one that I'd for instance work on or try to be.

Experience of me wanting something really bad at first, and then later just toss it aside left a mark on me. In a way it showed that nothing would stand in such a way where I'd care about it or love it in a long lasting manner. I'm probably lying, cause i may not really know what i hold on to until I'd be prevented from experiencing it, and beside the fact that I'm sometimes spiteful in my head towards people that would claim that they don't love their partner, while still being with them, and would wander into imagination of force separate them couples in order to "make them see" that there is love between them because supposedly if they would suffer the lack of each other that would mean that they would love each other which would be on the contrary of what the initial claim of them not being in love with each other.

I'd want many things in life I'd not get, and the ones I'd be capable of giving to myself I'd lots of times find myself in a situation where I'd have to give it up because others said so and I'd not want to. What would happen is that I'd see myself as not ever having peace to enjoy myself in doing what i want (though in case of wanting to be good at PC game I'd usually rage because of not being so good as my imagination would deem myself to be) I'd then at a later stage of my life abuse the trust of those closest to me to utilize the time my way instead of what I'd be supported for. Meaning I'd lost 5 years of my supposed study time for playing PC games, doing my own Internet research which was mostly looking at bizarre things that were to first glance more than what school had to offer which was to my mind boring cause I'd understood it to a certain extent.

The other side of this attraction approach also developed where I'd intentionally look at the things from the other direction, where for instance a thing that would be portrayed in a beautiful way would be seen by me in a not so beautiful way intentionally. I mean if someone would picture a perfection, I'd normally took it as too good to be true and would even more likely search for mishaps. I guess it was a defence mechanism to prevent me from liking something too much, cause I'd easily see myself being obsessed about it, and would thus rather intentionally spite it instead of allowing myself to like it and then when not getting a piece of the action (as I'd normally assume it would happen) would then suffer this unfulfilled love.

I think this is what manifested the part others called it "complicated" at some point, or at least i think this how it was talked about. I thought of myself that if I'd play the same game as another would play it there will be no harm if I'd want to create the same attraction where I'd make others come to communicate to me, or make others like through me just writing something, just as I'd perceive that others would try to attract me with the rest, in order to be communicated with. Unfortunately i don't know if equality did happen with this point, so that those that I'd want to attract would come talk to me, but i certainly did talk to those that would work on attracting me. I won't share what kind of shit i shared with them because I'd be in a really unstable mind frame, all i can say is that i don't regret it because in a way i was testing the situation out. Then again I'd always find something to reason that what I'd do is totally pointless, but then I'd not do anything at all, and i certainly wanted an outcome and doing nothing would sure not make it happen. I was fully self interest oriented.

This "ability" that I'd develop over time where I'd be attracted to something and would truly want to have it, and would then not get it made me suffer the lack of whatever it was that commercial was so greatly made that I'd succumb to. In fact i was getting pretty good in transcending desires at some things. Except relationships maybe. If I'd create this want to be with someone it usually took me really long time to forget the whole thing and let go of it. In fact the first time around as i came in contact with Desteni this was solely my purpose. I wanted to piss everyone off so that I'd "get my vengeance" on a point of others supposedly having a weak mind, then abusing this to make myself attracted to them and after that disappear, so that they would supposedly feel the same lack i did each time i fell for someone or some information. So yea i did try to be spiteful, and besides the point of how egocentric i felt when I'd imagine I'd actually succeeded at making others love and would then not hear them or see them deliberately as if that was part of the plan that suppose to happen in order to create a bit bigger chaos than it already was. In fact i don't think that there is no negative word that I'd not be able to agree i haven't lived, so this is the way i saw how I'd intentionally fuck up my life just because of wanting to either get what I'd desire or want, or because I'd "know" I'd probably not get it, I'd use this opportunity to train myself a bit more for the hard times ahead in order to have the ability to let go of things more easily, because i mean only relationships would pose such a resistance towards letting go. Not getting things is not such a problem, not getting being, and in this thorugh thier own free will or choice is kind of frustrating, atleast for me because unfulfilled crushes only ever made me suffer of why I'd have to go and fell for someone that I'd only have to later suffer not getting what I'd want to "have".

This topic -- kind of complicated to explain -- made a real mess within me, i mean i was aware from how many aspects it can be seen and through the benovolant approach of looking at attraction i really did mean good. I don't want to look special, yet I'd work on being so, as if only that would have the potential of be good enough for someone. Then I'd for instance drop or forget about the idea and would look towards it from another direction and would deliberately try to destroy that image by wanting to portray a less special picture about me as if that would work for a certain situation. Surely this manuvering of putting myself out there made me really look undecided, until i was told something will not happen, which was like fuel for me to make it happen. Little did i know it was i vain that I'd work in such a way, but then again what would you do if you'd decide to "pay back" someone with the same behaviour you'd expect they would have towards you. I am sorry but i definately was also motivated not by only proving how right and perfect someone is, i cared so i had to point out points of imperfections too. I knew I'd be less liked, despite wanting to be liked, but hell if guess i was just too possessed with my interests to let it go. The best thing about it is that not one being can accuse you or me or anyone doing this because it simply is so that there are many that get influenced at the same time, where as one might think it only influences only one. Practically i thought i for my case was the one that was tried by another to be reeled in, then I'd think how special i am that someone takes care of me. Unfortunately that would then cause to hate myself even more because I'd look at it this way. Author of such work would naturally not be able to care about outflows cause there are just to many of them for any mind to compute, rather only if all minds would work on it, but then if you consider that not only you are for instance influenced by and others are aswell, then there is not only you, but more like all of you. So this specialness does fade away when realizing a certain aspect about self is more or less common with everyone. Mainly the only thing that did piss me of is my inability to attract another same way as they managed to attract me. I mean atleast i was really confused about how i should approach the point to not make it worse for myself, but i definately admired how another would not give in to perceived temptation I'd thought I'd make them feel with only using written words.

I don't know if it is worth metioning i finally figured out what others would mean by "bring it back to self". I'd interpret it like for instance if 'd feel love towards someone and it woudn't be allowed, and I'd not be able to let them go I'd then instead of getting that love fulfilled feel miserable because of not getting to be with, whit who I'd want to be with. I'd react even more if someone would tell me you have to love yourself. I mean I'd literally hate them for telling me of such a cure, cause to my mind they'd be fucking with it. I mean while feeling all this misery of not getting my self interest fulfilled, they would tell me to love myself, in which case I'd interpret it as if I'd love myself I'd do well to not fall in love for another because apparently me doing that proved how much i don't love myself because I'd literally make myself suffer lack of someone I'd not have any kind of potential to get. In the end this made me almost push away people I'd love, because i mean if someone showed care that meant they must "love" me and if I'm not allowed to love or care for them why would i allow them love or care me. It was really frustratingly confused time for me that I'd not know how to answer. I just ignored my reaction and ignored the suggestion of others. It pissed me off how easily so pointless words are witten while it still gnaws at you from the inside. Anyway about the "back to self point" i only figured it yesterday that it might actually mean something like "sober up" or "put yourself back together" or simply just "stand". And this was after this individual was really pissed at the whole situation she experienced and the first time around i wanted to talk to her to help her i managed to piss her off even more, so it was the second time around. But than later in the day she came to me and thanked me that i wanted to show my care towards her. Like even if i don't exactly have the skills to put the right words out of myself to set someone straight, i at least showed that i gave a damn about what she was going thorugh. Though i'll also add that despite me having understanding for her to be that way, i still think she is kind of bitchy too much, like the slightest aligment of herself towards others made her wanting others to align to her.

As for me i also found out another reason to make myself less frustrated about my fate. So if i was spiteful in the past from a sence where I'd want to attract others but would deliberately run away from them whenever I'd have a hunch they are out to get me and attract me, like I'd not want to give another the pleasure of making themselves look attractive though my eyes, I've now decided to look at myself from a perspective where i'll keep on showing how well they do with "keeping me" here, despite the fact i sometimes see it really pointless. Like only thing I'm now interested in is how me putting myself out there through writing will influence my "fate", not that I'd know what will happen, i mean some parts i do, but i mean if you were told to not look for a realtionship or "the one" anymore, woudn't you see yourself as being totally incompetent at that too? Like i was literally told to go against everything i was told prior to that with arguments like "don't wait for things to happen to you" and then i was asked to do exactly that. The way i see it, or predict my future I'm almost ready to accept the fact that i'll never find anyone that would be willing to bother me the way I'd like that about them, thus I'm in a way doomed to be "forever alone" kind of guy scenario. I say almost because at times i still bitch within myself how i wish to be with someone and how I've not managed to realize that. I get really possessed, like i literary start to hate the one I'd a moment ago love. But there is breathing and focusing on other problems that save me from myself.

It still is complicated, guess it makes it more interesting for me. I also learned that some answers are not immediately learned even though i am sure i show enough interest in learning them and I simply accept the point of not knowing, if never, at least i don't eat myself about it too much as i initially did.

And now, while realizing that no one in my reality wants me dead because of how i behaved towards others, i still sometimes believe that they only want to make me "suffer", though i despise myself for thinking like that. And i sometimes still fear death as if when i'll die i'll be imprisoned in afterlife, like supposedly some beings were from history were. But most of all i fear that i'll loose control over myself and turn into this raging beast, as if all the process that I'd do with forgivness and breathing is just putting of responsible action or my "honest" reaction on another time where i'll go all out whit what i think is fair and simply behave towards others the same way as others behaved towards me that i supposedly forgive them. Then again i went thinking through this point so many times in my life and i don't really know why i decided to rather play it cool, than to go revenge mode. I mean it was not allways that I'd succesfully hold in the shit i wanted to share with another of another, but i do know that if i ever want someone to like me, you know like the coupleing thing where I'd also like them, such revengeful behaviour would only thin out possibility of ever getting there. It is hard enough as it is for me to find some right one, and this daydreaming or fearing that i'll simply not be able to stand and would be vengeful towards others that would trigger me to misery if i were to blame them for it, would only make my chances even more slim.

SF next

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Re: Ambrož's journey to life

Postby Ambroz » 10 Jul 2016, 19:45

Day 787: Real deal

I forgive myself to allow and accept fear of what unknown consequence my words as a part of expression of me would cause me through others reading them and then based on that treat me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i don't belong somewhere where certain principles are "lived by", and i don't seem to get along with them pretty well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed by another that would for instance tell me not to be afraid because fear is supposedly unacceptable, and thus because i am or was or probably still will be in some unpredictable future, and would in the past for instance really work on myself to forgive fear but it would still come up, then think of myself as unacceptable and would rather go away then to listen to some to me bullshit of what i should be to be "allowed" to converse with someone, but then when that would happen, where I'd be alone by intent and wholeheartedly decide to deliberately go the way that I'd not wish or would be afraid that would happen, for instance walking away from someone that you'd really like to sort things out, just to prove them that it is no problem to suffer a bit by letting go of something one would work on, but what would then happen is that one would be shown that what one does is not acceptable either, like one is not allowed to be afraid, and not allowed to face the fears either, which then made one think that maybe one is actually liked in some layer despite just being shown how disliked actions from one are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bitch about dreams again because i can't seem to let go of the subject due to knowing that I've not shared the whole picture, especially because of doubt that I'm doing a good thing to me, like words are useful but they can do harm. Just like a knife where one can use it to cut a piece of bread, but if not careful with it one can cut oneself with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be utterly confused because of dreams and Earthly happenings where certain being would within realm of physical and this is really down to earth converse an information i would think just for me to make it obvious to me that whatever happens when i dream is practically the same as interaction in the physical within a frame of having a conversation, and within this i forgive myself that i wanted to be intimate with this point by only cross refferencing it with a certain individual, but because I'm getting impatient i just decided to let it all out, and within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold information within me where it would only inflate to such an extent where it now just blows out of me, and i feel good about sharing it, and i don't care how much this expression of me harms me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to express that the first time around when i started to wordshit myself out, towards everyone not just Desteni productions on YouTube i had this dream i think two times where this totally black being would come to me and we'd had sex, I'd then think that the being was a certain individual within reality and then maybe not, which would confuse me because my initial intent was to just like another would use law of attraction towards others (me included), I'd then try to act a parrot where you basically do the same thing as someone else does but what i wanted to attract especially besides everyone else was her, but then i didn't know i made a mistake at start and then they made a mistake because of me, and everything complicated even more, and despite that no matter how "wrong" it went it turned out to function still, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not share the root or core problem of the thing where I'd for instance not know how certain things stand or work or function, basically I'd not understand why picture is like it is, mainly because of I'd think it works a certain way, but because it is natural to doubt myself I (yes doubt in oneself can be a good thing to, because it makes you question yourself before you do something you'd not like to happen to yourself, especially if it is done by only you), and because of knowing that too much doubt can be annoying too, I'd just then decided without proof to "play" for certain outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to really liked the experience of having sex within a dream, but because I'd not know who she was I'd then be in this confused state that the individual i was having sex with was not the one I'd try to hit on within reality and would see myself as a cheater.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the individual in reality would deliberately not wanting share information with me, and think that maybe she doesn't know jack about what I'm dreaming of when sleeping or maybe it was too obvious to be explained, like they didn't want to make me look stupid or something must have gone wrong in that respect too, hell maybe only my mind makes the dreams and within reality she had nothing to do with what my mind would conjure up within sleeping, but then i don't want to strip authorship of anyone especially if they don't want to let themselves be known so that no one would then think that they try to boast on the point of what or how good they did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if i consider only one or few dreams is then hypocritical of me, because i work by certain principle too, it means then all the dreams must be considered, and this makes this whole thing an infinity more complicated because then i thought that this dark being (the only thing that made her shape was silhouette and infinite depth of darkness, like her body didn't have skin or some glowing yellowish color, it was just black as it comes) and this meant considering a certain other dream (that i partially described in some other post) where i was really wanting to make an effort to make this being like me where the more I'd "push" into her the more I'd be pushed away, but that was not all, because within my mind I'd think that she wanted something from me, something i had that she needed for certain plan to work (mainly the plan was stripping power from certain group of beings that became sort of possessed with what they were having influence on, and making everyone else see the real deal which was basically showing everyone that all the system structure was basically a lie that is believed in to keep the unfairness going, because certain beings would believe themselves worthy of abundance and would through that leave other beings basically poor, and if anything this was the main reason for all the conflicts. I mean we know that in reality we can die, but in the I'll call it dream realm or I'd even dare call it dimensions beings can't actually not exist, like die or have a permanent ending of their existence as life that they are). Anyway back to forgiveness - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear that whatever i was able to give her would cause worry within me, basically despite my affliction towards that being i was not trusting her, and that harm that could potentially be caused because I'd give something i believed i was only one I'd trust myself to have responsibility over it - I'll call it an important piece of some machine that would make her plan work, hell even my own, and with respect to me giving it to her meant I'd not have the influence I'd believe I'd have with that thing (like i even considered that the whole point of power was just some bullshit I'd believe in, while actually there was nothing but me that made me have influence over what was happening to existence i was unable to separate from, basically no one is), but the other side of puzzle was that if there was actually a point that was not me yet because i had it I'd have "power", and me willingly giving it away to someone that actually not ask for it yet i knew they'd need it and in a way i knew they wanted it, no, wished to have it, was actually despite being risky from my doubt's point of view, really freeing for me to give it to her, like because of sacrificing myself of letting go of something i was interested in knowing how things would turn out. And this moment within a dream was really intense because i would literally feel hatred towards other being by even more towards myself because i was just as possessed with the point of power and not wanting to trust anyone with it made me look just like those that had more than the others and were not willing to part with it. Practically it would look like me having money and not willing to give it to another that would for instance not have it. What happened then was that i'd push that point into her. Well something happened can't say for certain if she fell she was just gone, i think i held on to her and let her go, i don't entirely recollect the memory of it, but I'd fall into some depth like into complete darkness, and i saw a similar thing before i dare say at the beginning like of everything, it was like being alone in dark space. Interestingly enough i was fucked by this free fall yet there was no fear of what would happen then, actually i though i had to do everything allover again, though this time around i knew i had shape and i knew that there was a past behind me and as soon as i stopped freaking out or something this being, i was just before in conflict with would like grab my hand and pulled me out of that darkness. It was really a happy moment for me, i think she even gave me a kiss just to let me know she has interest for me still, or something, and then disappeared. And within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be really confused about this point because this was what went on my nerves so much like when I'd be needed all this nice behaviour and when not and I'd need something from her she would just ditch me, and i think this even though just a dream experience i think caused me to look the same way at people, like one only approaches you usually when they need something from you, and consequently despite my love i had towards that being shortly started to weaver until it simply faded away. I forget about this ever happening, go my random way, until i started filling myself with information from portal. Some information i found correct, some other info made me react with doubt, of i was pretty pissed off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within reality when I'd be thinking about what I'd dream think of it as some bullshit my mind makes to give me like a goodnight story to experience, like a movie and then I'd only waste time during being awake to daydream about the significance or insignificance of it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed fear to rule me about what i should accept or not, and how wrong I'll be in my judgment of what is acceptable or not, because i still don't have literally no idea what is good and bad for me in the long run (mainly because i don't see the future) and this not knowing then literally makes me not to take any decisions at all, like i asked for guidance but got none, so i guess i still need to prove myself something i don't entirely know what that is. Maybe if i got one i'd not agree with it anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the third time I'd have sex within a dream with this being she was probably the same as all previous times, and this was after first few months after i started writing my journey to life blog, was of significance not only because what happened within a dream where she would hold this sharp brown greyish pointy pyramid, like it was really stretched out, like a long pointy keen crystal, like she was going to use it on me supposedly to stab me with it, but then what happened was as we'd be intimate the thing in her hand just crumbled while i think i was the haven of my dream part of life. I'd not say no to experiencing it again. It was also important because this caused a certain joke to happen that would support me in solidifying a belief that i now see has no opportunity to exist in reality. Like I was shit scared to talk about it to anyone so i just randomly picked up someone to cross reference information with this random woman and asked her about wet dreams and she said i make them, but then i asked myself is it possible for me to make something like that because from a certain perspective whenever i dream i feel like being thrown into this movie i have no choice but to walk and see what happens. Another point that opened up was allowance of feelings and emotions where publicly all this strict self forgiveness was being done in order to supposedly make an end of them, but in private conversations there was laughter and openness. I don't want to look confusing but it certainly confused me, like in the social there is a certain portrait of allowed being shown and then in the private a certain different one that is usually justified to be kept secret due to all the thinking that would be caused. I mean it was hypocritical to me that some people supposedly are allowed to have backchats and others don't. Practically it looked like people that I'd believe would back chatting themselves would bullshit other people to not do it. I don't know much about consequences but it seems pretty much as a contributing part to the shit that is taking place, basically we say we want to have a transparent world while we know we keep secrets and portray lying images of our lives in order to secure our supposed impending doom, and with that usually making a really insecure impending doom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about the behaviour than the state of the world, i mean it is the behaviour that is making it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave to my terms improperly where i indulged into things again that I'd in the past for instance deliberately let them go for about three months in order to see if i can function without them, but now I'd for sport again on account of taking myself a vacation indulge into them to fight my loneliness or fly away from reality into some illusion of a feeling a certain way, because the mental strain is too much to handle, like i can honestly say that i can't handle myself and my self honesty, and that there is much to be sorted out, but i can't cause i committed to a completely opposite thing, since i was told so, and on account of help i don't think I'll get one because in the past i already wanted to talk about this problem, but she said she will talk to me, then again if i could finish my education with all this mental baggage i can go on just fine i guess, the only shit is that even if i manage to let it go it sooner or later starts bugging me again. Then again she found someone new so i guess I'm out of luck on that one. I think I'll just keep on suffering on account of not having myself completely sorted out, or maybe it is even worse and it is all just an illusion about all this dreaming stuff, like maybe i got certain things wrong and I'm only lying to myself, and this lie is a reason to hold on to things that don't really stand in reality like it is only in my imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that imagined that when i gave that point of power within that dream to another it was actually a point that made this being able to do certain things that other beings were not able to, and within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that the portal works because of me giving that thing i had that gave me some sort of power and attraction, like me having candy and others only coming to me to get some, and if I'd not have it others wouldn't even bother to deal with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that conversation with this other being was also important because as I'd talk to them within dreams I'd actually tell them that they will look for me, and they would have no other proof as the program of how well everything is played out, pardon considered, to then be able to predict the future that the only proof of it is actually the logical thinking or backchat, and this "robotic" dimension of the mind is that primal cause to then predict how beings would behave and through that behaviour prediction about the state of the world is conducted, then this calculated information is "delivered" through the mind into beings, and beings would not question it, they would just call it as gift that they have, but in truth others would do all the work that would then be sent through messengers into reality. That is primarily why I'd sometimes call reality as a Big Brother show for dead beings, but there are some things that can't be predicted and that is that beings would out of mere spite, and despite knowing what is good for or bad for them going against themselves to fight this programming, because the calculated information can only digest the principle of what good wants to be experiences on a self interest level, as in it is predictable that one would do what one would like, but what it can't convey was moments like where beings would face their fears even to an extent where they would harm themselves even if it means dying of pure pain, but even that wouldn't make them non existent. What would happen is that usually someone would have feel love towards them, and would thus through hurting themselves hurt those that love them as well. But if you want to test something right you have to test it on yourself, so as far as spite goes it may be a reason to justify certain robotic behaviour but it only goes so far, just as standing or dealing with something goes so far until beings loose it and then predictably go "robot mode" and let it all out, like me or instance in this blog post which is quite releasing, and i don't care how predictable it is. The only problem now was those beings that do the calculation part of predicting the future, because just as certain information about the future can be tainted with mistakes or intents of those that calculate it, and in a case of intent even conduct it. And as for the being that would within my dream and probably his to - then, i told him that no matter what will happen I'll in the end ask them "why are they doing this to themselves", because no matter how much information there would be to crossrefference if this is what was payed for, there could still be doubt that there is not enough proof that the being in question is actually the one that is sought for. I honestly can tell you that despite how much mental and material suffering i cause to myself i believe or think that this is best for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe like i have anything to do with the creation of the portal, or i would at least imagine i had, and then because of so natural self doubt (please don't ever completely leave me) would then believe that i made it up to look myself look special, at least to myself, and so I'd be in this divided split persona where I'd know I'd one or in another way bullshit myself in such a way where the only solution would be to simply forget about it and go on with my petty supposedly meaningless life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction towards another being and then because I'd like them to like me, like the only thing i could do for starters was to wish to be with someone and then that takes lead in my purpose to guide myself though all the obstacles that even the point of my attraction would create, to then look for that same reaction within instances towards other beings and would thus think that because of this same reaction i should not only respect it because of this being but also another being that i didn't necessarily like in the moment of pushing my buttons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that maybe i should go the other way where if a certain being would cause me a certain reaction i should run away from them as far as possible because of me seeing them as always this way and i knowing myself well enough that i won't be able to change I'll then always endure these reactions within me because i see another as myself (not being able to change) so what would be the point of me suffering another being that I'd not like, i mean it is better to run away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel love towards another but because they would have this principle (which was to me kind of fucked up - i may be wrong) that love is unacceptable because supposedly in some distant future it is bound to run out and then for instance due to being unfulfilled rage would set in, and thus love would morph into hatred, and because of this engineering speculating personality that supposedly ran out of empathy, I'd run away i mean i loved, that was unacceptable i didn't know how to stop it so i ran to forget and in a way get rid of it, so then i made this mistake that i told this being that I'll always love her no matter how others that would see her who she is, i mean some people i know interpret her as insane and everyone else that went along with her, and that statement kind of stuck me in this situation, where i know i am to a certain extent a man of my word though i do sometimes forget to do something that is not relevant to me, and this dimension of me would give another an option to see me as not completely reliable, because i mean when another would tell me how insane this Desteni thing is, I'd in a way agree, but due to self doubt I'd then ask myself what if he was insane and me agreeing that he is right, and the spite of me spiting his belief or belief of that girl that she believed she was expressing the correct way, i saw myself again how undecided i am, and as for love i don't know exactly if i ever completely let her go in the time of my ignorance towards her, but I'd still not entirely get why someone would forgive oneself for something that they would like or not because i mean as far the future goes i believe there will always be those not wished moments that would cause fear. And thus in the moments of fear simply stand it, understand why it is there, share it if need be, hell even forgive it, and if it still bugs you, then you'll have to sort it out with the being you question or doubt because that is what usually comes down to, because if fear of yourself will not bury you it will be the fear of another, with whom fear is usually connected. Only if it is made up, like certain fears i had were. For instance i was afraid of the whole fucking existence and despite hating my condition within it, I'd say fuck you because i want it whole to hear it, and despite being afraid that some beings would bring up enough commitment towards each other to stand together to create hell even if for only one being I'll let them know in thought (which supposedly know anyway, or whatever i think), word (where I'd curse and yell aloud) and would even write down in this blog or some public portal on Internet just to make others see it, and make myself sure they know I'm possessed too, and deed where I'd basically take it on myself in a form of squeezing out zits making my skin look like lunar surface. It is really a paradox where I'd deliberately want to get rid of shit under my skin and then would cause even more harm. I would deliberately harm others aswell with words at least, and as for physical, physical contact is needed and when i fliped a swich on another i only regreted it becuase of pain, i mean i had enough of that already and simply consider that probably in some future i'll have no choice but to use force to survive, at least the way worldly things go about now. I really hope it won't come to that, but you know how hope is, it cheers you up a bit now, but later it doesn't prevent what it supposedly should from not happening thus it is a big maybe.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards myself, due to some reason that I'd let others know how i feel because of them, like i was too shit scared to hurt them due to some chain reaction that usually took place, and so I'd hurt me, and then see if they would still love me in that similar way which initially caused me to not like them, but still i was dependant on them, so this for that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that others only put themselves above me because of them thinking that i put myself above them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself above others because of wanting to prove a point that no matter the shit that someone is, one can simply decide to be and express the morness of themselves towards another, i mean if i the shit that i am where others would constantly push me around with words or actions, am able to do it then anyone can, but it may drag you down even more if not effective in it, it did me in my case.

I forgive myself to use my imagination and call myself human as god because of having some influence and then believe i got it right, but then others would be so envious or not letting me have it that easy that they would intentionally go against me, just to prove their point that i won't get what I'd imagine having, simply because all the rest of me is and probably even my own imagination is not entirely aligned to what existence can allow in truth as truth of what can happen, i mean we allow to happen to it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to find this interpretation of fear as being some "not wished moment in future" interesting. and then through it conduct that i won't ever be able to get rid of fear completely and thus I may always think that because of this little supposed fact there I'll in some future get feared and make misery out of potentially great experiences that I'd wish for them to happen. And within this i forgive myself to be totally blow off by this explanation by some dude i know where he told me that actually everything that happens to you is at some point wished for, even for not wished moments, because wish to his understanding is the driving force and the most powerful carrot on a stick out there, thus this principle of wishing for a certain thing to happen is like purpose that each one of us gives to oneself and let it guide us, and thus no matter what happens to us because of it, it is our responsibility, and yes even not wished moments are thus at some time wished for, thus another reason to take on shitty moments in a responsible way, even if it means swallowing some fear or pride or whatever it is that may looked positive at start and would in the end cause an opposite result.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that wishes should be made in a careful way or have as few of them as possible because usually if one wishes too much the too muchness of different desires then bring conflict between them and then none of them gets fulfilled, but what gets fulfilled is this morphed thing made out of everything and not only that which was wished for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate this being that I'd express my love with words towards but i don't really think it was real, i mean maybe i felt something of a sort, but i don't really know what others would think of it. Maybe i wanted to manipulate, there was defenately fear on my side involved, or i wanted to make myself sure that she would know that i'm not able to contain my reactions as it was supposedly wanted from me. I mean if we work on stopping the reactions, be it fear or love, i had every right to share my state of truth, but then again it was evident enough through blogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i have to be something that i don't want to be or don't know how to be in order to fit in some frame or picture that I'd want to be in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared of myself of what i might do to myself because of considering so much real and out of reality data, because if take my life and my experience and i subtract all the dreaming stuff, it is a pretty weird experience, because if it were not for them I'd probably not be here writing this out, i mean I'd go away and stay away till I'd die because the only thing that drew me back into this process was the unexplained and the opportunities that would manifest with the understanding of it. Ok i lie, i was pretty happy when I'd try to sweet talk someone, if nothing else to make them easy going, but mostly it was self interest, problem was that the girl had her own intentions, and i couldn't ever get to that so that I'd exactly know how to exist in order to fit her picture, so that is that, and i for one know that the more i think about what i did wrong to fix it, the more possessed i looked to myself by this whole thing that happened, the more happy i am with the support that was short and to the point which i can't complicate, thus can't fuck around with it, but simply wait for what destiny will happen or doom or fate or whatever it is. And within this i forgive myself that I suffer with a longing to not think about something that i should think about, because i know that if i don't I'll forget it and i must not forget it because if i do, I'll break the agreement and if i do that, i don't even care what others will see in me, what i'd worry is how uncommitted i am, like untrue to simple word that I'd get to respect. I don't like me as i am, i'd not like myself even more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when looking only at the physical real me see myself as this disaster that only ever shows the internal mess on his face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'll never sort myself out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to more or less deal with first my problem before i give any advice to others about their problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it must start somewhere even if that start is completely unstable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my own judgment of what is best for me to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people that are together are lying in my face when they say they don't love each other, and would in my spite imagine that if I'd have the power separate them to see how much they don't love each other, like agreement yes or no, i firmly believe that not liking someone is just as powerful to go away from them as liking is to make one go to them, and i simply don't buy what other people tell me how they feel, especially when they want to bullshit me what i feel. I mean pretending to know something is easy, it is much harder to face the truth that imaging things won't solve anything yet that is what we constantly do. It is supposedly easy to say one sees what another is going through just by looking at their words, it is far from that. Because the I or eye between the the two or more "in my name", "I'll be between them" are just words nothing more. And word supposedly was in the beginning, or whoever made it, but then there also had to exist something that the word would be attached to, otherwise it is pointless for that word to exist.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to create this image of me that I'd be content with and think this will make me experience the best way for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express how much i am lying because i live this life in such a way where others sell me lies and i buy them and while not really knowing that they are lies, I'd sell them further on, i mean there is lots of unfortified data within my blogs, but as for dreams are concerned everything is mostly true unless those are lying too. The only thing that I'd like to ass about is that i write this to explain myself why i am where i am so that others wouldn't see me as completely nuts, because to my mind there is some sort to logic even life to it, and hopefully not everything was just part of some program that any fortuneteller would be able to tell me how it will go down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate women from a dimension that they always want to be right like they fear that they won't be respected and in the end when that actually happens everything goes bye bye. I mean this elderly lady is keep saying how well and good i do things practically and how i do everything she tells me, and then i once told her how she gets on my nerves because of pointing her finger onto something i in her mind should do, and i in my mind had an intent to do, and when i expressed how i don't like it, she went how i never listen to her and how she is a victim, like from one extreme into the other, even telling me how I'll never find any girl for me that would like me.

I forgive myself to be a little bit confused about this whole relationship thing, where now even i started to believe that the support that i got when i was told to "stop looking after women" or in other words "looking for a relationship" is actually the best thing because no matter whoever I'd fall for it would always end up in a disaster, and what is more this would then mean that i actually get to create myself and wait for someone to grab the bait, and the only good thing about it seems to be that i can take one being as an example where i would cause her to go into a bit of dimensional shifts (i had them too, to what i understand is actually just flipping aspects of a point and then for instance experience whole list of feeling and emotion around a certain point that one would not in truth know fully) and i can with all the delight turn that being down, and that will happen probably until such a girl will come that I'll be delighted to be with. Only thing for me to do now is mentally suffer the unfulfilled desire whenever I'll remind myself how incompetent i am in creation of a relationship. That is why i think I'll simply give up, and commit to not bring these points up anymore. Like i really had it with myself, and I'm fed up with me being me in this way.

I forgive myself to see myself as a looser because of practically not having any kind of material possession, not finding a job or anyone that would be willing to employ me, and the projects i have for myself are currently on hold anyway cause i lack resources. Like the only way i see a way out at the moment are freelancer jobs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a vacation while this world is supposedly go on a low road to hell, and basically stating that i don't care how much more down this situation will get, I'll just have a juice and sip on it while sitting in the sun relaxing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my brain and my self to all the limits i thought of and that there is no other solution to the world but to simply learn it the hard way, like i did, there is no better school than accumulated consequence that not even a lie can protect one from it.

I forgive that the only useful thing i leaned from dreams is that giving what was mine to another being that i didn't completely had trust in and thus i said to myself i trust you, and gave her whatever she got from me, even if it was just symbolic because just as a belief in something is or can be compromising, it can be powerful as well because i simply believed in something i was not willing to part with and giving that to this being within my dream was just that opportunity to face myself by giving something that i believed was giving me power to another, while imagining that things may go really wrong. Can you imagine what i thought about how wrong they could go if i were to keep holding on to that point of supposed power. I think it takes even more willpower to trust another even when you believe you shouldn't.

I forgive myself to think of another aspect like i also though and believed that i am not really wanted and that i'm in truth am not really liked, as if the only thing i'd be good for is giving money away, surely i admit products i'd by were really interesting each in its own way, but that was just that, knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think it is easier to let go of one being by simply holding on to another, which was in my past sort of a easy way out.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find it harder this time because of not having anyone to hold on to, when previous times it was just if this one will not like me, maybe the other one will, and now there is no other, it is just a bit changed yet ever worrying me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bitch about self forgiveness, be hypocritical about it how it doesn't work but I'd probably never expressed some points if it wasn't there to "help" me, i mean it is hard to confess that it did help me to make peace with certain things that would bother me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself weird and insane because of how i interpret some experiences that would happen to me and wouldn't have any external proof if what i at least think about is correct, even if didn't do anything else but only think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the whole list of emotions and feelings that we can experience and are part of DIP course still have potential to be experienced no matter how much change i have within me about me, and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that from that perspective it is pointless to have anything but reality that would trigger me into those sensations as my teacher, i mean surely imagination is practical but only to a limit, hell within my case i found it downright annoying once when i wanted to prove a point that i can too put myself above others, the same way I'd perceive others putting myself above me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to punch myself in the face for telling others I'm a god, like others wouldn't have any problem expressing it, because i in my backchat accumulated lots of anger on this point because i interpreted god as being able to do anything basically, and that really got in my nose, I'd sneeze but it meant that beings were basically not considering or not really care what they would do to each other, like this whole mess is mainly just because of this beings doing whatever they want and that is that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that waiting for a relationship to happen to me is same as waiting for it to happen, i mean i was told to not look for one, and waiting for it to happen equals not doing a thing about it thus i am not really looking for it which is like totally opposite what i started out with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be totally confused by people asking me what games i am playing, because i mean i just want to make my wish come true, and i don't want it to be some joke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by all this information spinning within my mind, like when i work i constantly think about where did i got it wrong that reality turned out to be this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have sex within a dream with this individual and then i imagined that that experience had something to do with some being that lived in reality, like i didn't know whether to tell this being from reality about it because of a crush on them, and would then make myself think like i was within a dream cheating on them, or if i was actually correct and the being from reality was one and the same within a dream.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not believe in dreams to be of any relevance but then all of them should be considered that way.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not believe in reality to be of any relevance but then all of it should be considered the same way.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wrap this theme finally up, like it has been a burden i no longer wish to carry around.

I commit myself to stay committed to respect the wishes of others, simply for the sake of being interested if my own will come true.

I commit myself to stop whining within myself how hard my mental life is.

I commit myself to stop participating in illusions of what ifs and just in cases and despite knowing there will be a time of doubt ahead of me, like it is right now, to keep on walking my path, even though it seemed i didn't wish for it, i mean even if i wished for something different and this is what has come my way to face then i guess i wished for unwished moments too. It is weird approach though to think this of everyone actually, cause then even when i fucked up from my perspective others actually wished for it, no matter how much I'd traumatize myself how I'd for instance hurt another, hell this even goes along with the my unhappiness is someone's else happiness. Then again beings (at least me) always found ways to manipulate meanings to remain complacent with what they are wishing for despite first reaction towards it was completely not wished for.

I commit myself to keep on looking for work and even when i get turned down, ask for work again and again.

I forgive myself to be glad that i wrote this mess out, even though some of it is unsorted, it at least makes me feel better for the short amount of time before next problem hits me.

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