Day 797: Law of self interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagination and interpretation of situations how they really are, and then believing in potentials that may not happen, and invest myself into a certain end result.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume myself over topic of relationships and respect to it created this idea of "perfect me" of how it would be when i'd get to it, and in this created this desire to have a partner for life like i'd only start one relationship and if that fails i'd be crushed because of not fulfilling my dreamt about idea of having a nice life with a family, despite expressing many times how i'd rather not have any children because it would probably be worse for them than for me, and i didn't liked my childhood pretty much, in fact it was at that time when i'd compensate all the injustices or how i'd see them as not fair, with creation of these insane conversations in my head, i mean they were so real i astound myself how i could hear voices in my head at night and there was no real cross reference possible but to simply take it as my own imagination playing tricks on itself, i mean me playing tricks on me. Probably for some reason to not be responsible for something. Like not wanting to face the conflict due to unfair situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have negative reactions towards other beings, when they would judge me who i am, like they would know because of certain abilities about how self honest situation looks like and within that then preach how not self honest we are, and within that i'd then assume that if i'd be self honest enough i'd be more liked by specific individual for instance, so it is more about me thinking that certain words would do the trick, while having backchat that it is not even possible because i'd have to read minds to give out what another would want to hear, and through that they would be "satisfied" (it is mostly about my own satisfaction, me being satisfied because i'd satisfy another), i'd be liked more and my "sinister" plan to get out of the enemy/friend zone and into a more pleasurably comfortable situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my life into shit because of deciding that i like somebody a bit more, but then while getting to know them, i'd more and more find points about them that i'd regret that i'd create such an affinity towards that person because if i weren't so attached to this idea of it being it, i'd have the heart to simply go on further with my life, but it seems so that no matter how much i work on my mind the more i realize that i don't have the heart to put someone from what i had experienced into completely evil spectrum, even though that it at moments seemed so, like no matter how hard i'd try to not interpret it that way, my mind would automatically switch to "this is crazy", while others would call it responsibility issues, or facing ourselves, or even seeing myself as evil for interpreting someone else as that, anyway it accumulated to quite an amount and it all got kind of revealed in one single decisive moment i think, and now i'm still suffering mental consequences of keeping myself in questions, would it be possible for me to express or react or act or move in any other way?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed about honouring some agreements, despite feeling like it is pointless or even better for me to to make my own interest from my own knowledge instead of just listening to suggestion of someone else taking it in as an order and then hope that something good will happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at self forgiveness as a scapegoat to let the expressed words be the reason of letting go of something, when in fact with words one can make lots of senseless conclusions, when in fact it is what one does within oneself to have the capacity for inner self movement. I had no problems with dealing with emotions before running into SF school, i mean there were a few fall downs of my ego, but eventually i learned to see the pointlessness of being re-actively expressive, and then suddenly if certain words wouldn't be spoken it would supposedly only accumulate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it sick that someone would through having certain "capabilities" make jokes on serious topics that would include interests of others, like i know it is only a matter of perspective, but it is strange that depending on the way i'd see it as benefit or caveat, and within that then create a good or bad picture of someone. Yet i learned through time that i could just head bad things and not let them define me too much, i'd still have my thoughts about it but in the end the fact that i didn't care at the moment of it happening, i shouldn't care later. I mean it is best to act as soon as possible, because later action is not so effective as one would in a moment of reaction be. To make it even more challenging i do try to act and not react, though i never truly know if i reacted or acted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that not one ever trusted me with or about anything and that within expressing my self forgiveness i only opt for being more acceptable by those that i felt i needed to be if i were to make the game i was playing come true. Like some part of me imagines that in truth like the real deal sincerity everyone knows self forgiveness is just a crafty set of words while the real magic of change must come from inside and usually i'd do this change through simple thinking in as truthful and sincere way as possible, like it is impossible to lie to oneself, yet somehow i managed to convince myself that i am able to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be consumed by thoughts of "am i doing the right thing", am i within the prescribed limits or am i going into unacceptable areas where others would not like me being the way i am?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am right no matter how much others would tell me how unacceptable i am and stuff that i'd interpret as my miss-alignments, like all my fucking life I've been working on myself how to not bitch about anything how wrong it is, and despite me knowing that i did have a certain moral compass i just had to poke my nose into others people business where there is nothing but constant bitching how this and that is not aligned or perfect or whatever it is that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mental hell for myself where i constantly get bombarded with what i want to do and along that what others would think is good for me to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so stubborn in my interpretation of how things work, so that each time when someone would give me advice on something that i'd not agree with i'd almost naturally not want to deal with them, because on the bottom line i'd think that in a case of infinity such ideas would basically ruin them, or at least i react towards them because if i were to live up to those words it would ruin me, and paradoxically i have willingly decided to give it a go, to live up to certain words, to let myself be cursed only because of thinking and believing that no matter how big a curse it looks like it is actually a gift, that requires a bit more patience and effort to manifest.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be more of a logical type of person, meaning despite knowing that the more i dig into the depth of each action and that the more i realise that the deeper i go to understand something and that the more i try to make some formulae or law or turn something that is natural and alive into a mechanism, the worse it becomes for me. I mean if anything, any kind of law or rule, it only applies for certain contexts and situations, it only proves an exception. Now if that is logical it should not stand in a live reality. Does that mean that the opposite is truth?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction towards a younger beings (in earth years) when i'm told that years don't matter, and while at it think ye it is possibly so because i mean one can spend a decade believing in some bollocks and not develop anything, but what really bugged me is that such statements were only relayed to me so that the stuff that followed would be taken without a doubt, i mean it didn't bother me that something would be wrong or right, it bothered me that if something is right it doesn't need any kind of justification or an excuse or additional support of how true it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if everything started at the same time, then everyone of that everything is kind of same age (existential years).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if there was only one being in the beginning it would make itself exist in such a way that it would not become its own worst enemy, meaning that everything that being would know it would always make best choices within its experience thus i find it stupid that any being would actually make choices against their self interest, yet what mostly happens within reality is that unfulfilled self interest are making whole thing look like it was almost deliberate. The only question is the cause and what kind of effect will this create in the future. If the cause is self interested choice that would make one with unmaking another, then it is possible that there is so much misery not because one would like to be in it, but because of wanting another to experience it, and when everyone would be doing the same thing then it is logical that it would affect everybody. I mean where will this lead i don't know, probably nothing good, but still i kind of have a hunch that if i live this way of preparing myself for enduring in such a world, it would only contribute to existing in such a way. Thus i am still kind of in this belief that i can snap out of anything if i only want to. Anyway what i meant was that if there was only one being in beginning, kind of like in a Bible, and don't ask me where whoever wrote the Bible got his ideas from, but believe in one God would in such a case make sense because that fist being would certainly not be such a that it would create itself in such a existence in which it would suffer, but i mean anything is possible, so maybe it is not even like that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fear because of the past when i called myself "God" conditioned by an if sentence, and having imagination as a scale of measurement, and while at it had this thought that maybe there is some greater being out there, and even this it was only because of masses of people that can be very effective in showing power to few individuals that would have themselves above the supposed "matrix programming apparatus". I basically thought that because i wrote few wrong words i'd end up like Christ, you know killing him just to prove him that each person had one's own will and combined can make quite a force to reckon with. And another reason was in this experience, i'd call "supernatural mechanism" some girl called it energy some guy laughed his ass off, while i would describe it more alien than aliens, and I've never ran into any extraterrestrials, or maybe i did but i was not able to feel it. I mean if there are Aliens this thing would blow my mind more than running into aliens. Either way i've turned myself from ever doubting skeptic into maybe there is a bit more that i'm able to pick up on here. I mean i was more fascinated with what kind of influence these esoteric things have on reality, like pressure and temperature kind of stuff, than to ever practise it myself. I mean i meditated a bit in the past, but i just don't get what the purpose of it is. I mean if everything is in balance naturally then being would only disturb it, or on the contrary, actually making it more alive, but then interests come into play and we all know not everyone would ever be able to agree on the same thing, maybe this, but problem is that despite all my venting out of my philosophy i didn't get killed, despite thinking it may happen. What happens when I'll die i don't even wanna know, but i look at it the way where it is best to not have any expectations, i mean if something good happens it is that much more of a surprise and if something bad it doesn't hurt as much as it would otherwise. If I'd for instance know what bad will happen I'd probably live in worry all of my life, thus having misery before it even happens.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is a program or a matrix only from one perspective and that is if everyone is making best self interested choices as means to an end that in such a case if one considers that each one is facing certain type of experiences within which one is dealing with certain kind of information that was only attained through making "best self interested" choices thus one is safe to say that there is a one way program and the only cure for breaking it is to make a choice that is against self interest. Ok, that is a bit harsh. I'd just randomly jump around like crazy without any kind of intent but to break the supposed program, if only for a moment. Tomorrow is another "same" day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am not self honest when i pursue ideas that i believe will make me happy if i fulfill them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel miserable like no one trusts me, like all this time i've been working on my process so that i'd feel accepted because of reasons, but no one is really bothered with me, like individuals that were so effective in making me drop from the edge of my seat, are not buying any of the stuff in equal manner. It also creates all sorts of hate-chat within me because i was never privately engaged through a consistent manner, only a few times and it turned out to be a calamity. The only thing that draws me back is the not knowing part that maybe i was, but through other more subtle dimensions, and i didn't exactly was ever fond of expressing that. In fact i found myself more delusional than anything else. Though there is another dimension of a more indirect communication that i sometimes think it is actually happening all the time with each blog i write and at the same time read. Though i've been a bit of a slack at reading.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to again fall back to all of those old minfucks, trying to figure out things that i don't have any idea, or maybe i do and i just don't know it yet, or maybe i am a really effective liar to myself, like making up things that i'd then believe in as being really relevant, while at the same time doubting it. It is quite a mess in my head still. I personally believe there is one source that could help me but i'll not ask for it. Simply put it i believe in bigger problems that will come when i'll use up that "joker / get out of trouble free card", and even then i doubt i'll be believed in, since everything i do is looked at as some game playing. I'm really eager to see if i am able to get out of this 1.st worlds problem of mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breathe whenever i come into dark alleys in my mind, like not wanting to process something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despite process of breathing and all the rest of the stuff to kill an unwanted sensation within me things would still come up. Like each mindfuck i successfully solve, i'd a bit later on in time, because of thinking too much create a new one. Or i'd think i let something go, have a few days off from the idea and then someone would say something to me (i felt like almost specifically and intentionally to wake up certain feelings within me, especially because of being out of the blue), and this whole picture i'd thought i dealt with would come up again. Not as strong as previously, but still. Or maybe it is strong, there is a lot of text that came out of me just now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed when i'm asked when am i gonna find myself a relationship, like a woman, for instance.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a looser because of issues i'd usually have when dealing with someone i'd have a crush on, while knowing that if that was not there i'd not even bother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pissed when someone else is suggesting how to spend my time with myself, like there is nothing else but it to deal with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as just one of those forever alone guys.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw myself at another despite being dissed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that someone that i'd like, that i'd walk away from would come after me, despite me showing practically that i don't like them, and would through such romantic scenes imagine how to test "true love", despite it from one perspective looks like complete submission. Hm, maybe that is what i always screw up, someone testing my gut to see if i fall for it and then deliberately decide to not. Then again if i was a reaction maybe it couldn't have gone any other way, maybe all the accumulated secrets just spurted out in one action. I don't even care if it was wrong or right move for my self interest to get fulfilled. It is interesting how unavoidably controlling accumulation of thinking can be. And the best worst part of it is that despite all the responsible excuses out there of how one is responsible for what one feels, a few wrong words, just like in my case and whole plan becomes a huge mistake. Personally i think this world would do much better without my word-meddling into it. I bet i'll never write another song. And i don't fool myself. It is quite common that throughout history, a few wrong words made heads fly. Shall we change that?
I forgive myself that I despite all the hate and rage i experienced throughout my process that i'd otherwise probably wouldn't, it did had a some long lasting positive effect on me. All this breathing exercises and writing, and god knows what else did cause me to be a bit more calm. I'll still add that part where i am too dealing with mental issues, but i did fail to fall into mental institution... for now... so i guess that is a good thing and a proof that one can fix mental issues for free on Internet. I did had a bit of free help, and feel like i have a debt to pay and that is why i write, and besides that i am just testing if I'll cause any ripples out there that would cause situation to get better, for me at least. I still wonder if I'm making even more harm to myself and others, but either it will be good or bad, no one can claim it would be better or worse without it. Most probable effect is that there is one that is next to nothing, and effect on me. Surely truth can set you free, but if you did something really bad it can also imprison you. I don't even wanna think about what bad things i did, that i still due to my supposed limited awareness hide with my self dishonesty. I also thought about a possibility that there is nothing there, but that would then not be so interesting.
I forgive myself to have a reaction towards another when being told to go deeper, like what is hiding behind each layer. I forgive myself to think that there are infinite amounts of layers thus one can always express that statement. I forgive myself to think that that was the main reason why i started "hating" someone from that perspective because i personally believe i still don't exactly know what all went through my mind at that point that i'd nail with, or what would be the correct answer, but i bet i could read through all lexicon and make all possible sentences with available words and it would still not be enough simply because of knowing that one can decide in advance what or who to be, even when the "reaction" or "program" doesn't happen yet. Thing was that i was in a mood to satisfy another, but because mind is a thing that can't get satisfied ever, especially with energy (the things we feel inside like happiness, anger, fear, hate, jiggles...)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointing, like all this manipulation i try to do to make another feel things and then nothing works.
I forgive myself to even write in self interest, like now i think that because i did some self forgiveness others will look at me with those eyes. While that happening i think of the past and how i tried to be serious in it, no matter how many times it crossed my mind that even if this stuff works it seems to have no effect on me. Then again there are only few rare things that do seem to have an effect, and it is impossible for me to erase that, or at least it seems.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in this paranoia that i'm so obsessed with this idea of what i want to live my life like, that when i die and since there is no time in afterlife or whatever that state is, i'll be able to live this life again if i only choose so, just so that i'll be able to try try again, so that i'll make it the way i want it so that i won't have to repeat it again. Like if that is possible wouldn't it cause all the rest of the system that is required to roll with me. Damn, maybe it is worth repeating precisely because it works out and it is so fun. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in making assumptions and in that create all these (not really precious) illusions that i'd use as an excuse for my choice in the now, while what is to be has not really happened yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get carried away in my mind and then react towards my thoughts, imaginations and basically feel a hell for myself because i think that the body that is also aware of me is listening and then producing its own words of energy that i must then be in because of making this sort of possibility for my body to be in, and it wouldn't really like to experience i guess? Question mark is because i still don't entirely get the thinking - energy relationship, and the listening - energy relationship. Are like words before spoken thought about and the thought creates the energy that then body "allows" to play out, because of assumption that if i feel like this when thinking it, then another would also probably. Is it that the only reason we react to the words of another, because as soon as we hear them, we turn them into thoughts that we then react towards? I don't know, or i forgot how this works. I mean a deaf human can't get hurt mentally by my jabber if he doesn't hear me. Also a blind human can't get affected by my writing no matter how much looking she does. I sometimes considered myself blind and deaf human, i don't know what else, despite looking and hearing. Due to thinking i'd simply not be here and would rather be in my mind, because of wanting to figure out something, or something would just overwhelm me.
I forgive myself that i see myself as this person that gets too attached to things and then because of not letting them go, gets all of life sucked out of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of Desteni as some group of people that is only abusing people with weak mojos to get them hooked up on drug called energy (feelings and emotions) and then people like me are unable to go away because of being weak minded energy whores, and no matter how much i hate myself for stating that there is a slight problem, because i kind of have a few indescribable facts that i experienced that if one ignores make one just kind of ignorant towards everything, like whole existence if one deny the truth of portal being real, i mean surely i'm not completely aligned with everything that gets though, then again it may only apply for a specific context, yet i don't have a hart to say that it is made up, i mean i don't have any facts about that either. It is just that i kind of felt the proof that all this magic, or esoteric or whatever it is is real, but i wasted like 30 years of life being nuts on nuts, bolts, screws...trying to figure out mechanisms, and it would be a sin for me to now inspect some other area especially now when reality is more interested in robots more than ever. I mean surely in a few years i may dip my nose into for me extraordinary topics, cause i secretly really wish to know how these things influence movement of matter, but not even that is for sure, i mean i do stuff with my free time that is not that of a contribution for my process. It is more for my feeling and emotion drug addiction. I just wanted to express my bad thoughts about a thing, that has despite all of it, caused some good things to manifest in my life. Pretty much i think i'd be a bum right now or still abusing my social position to only do absolute self interest stuff. For instance my process pretty much helped me though my study, working through all the resistances stuff like that. Make me face "bad" things and push though them to get to good end results. From a perspective of a world system i got pretty far, compared to where i thought i'd now be, i've never imagined i'll end up where i am and im kind of happy, I mean i made a few little mistakes today and i was pretty worried, that must mean i do like the place where i'm currently working at.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel worry because of talking negative things about something just because of experiencing negative reactions, like the trust in my feeling has such a power over me that i feel dishonest not expressing it, and i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to feel fear because of what consequences i'll cause to me and others if i express what i feel, or think about something that i don't entirely understand or know, and that it will shut the door of making certain self interests real.