Day 803: About truth
The truth even if it doesn't need a belief to exist, one certainly needs (i believe) to believe it or accept it, what i really mean is take it into account because if one even if it stares right it the eye doesn't, then i personally think one doing such a thing is stupid.
I'll now go a bit back into the past with this point because i deliberately did this once. I considered somebody that is very caring as not being that. It was dumb dumb move by me, and no matter how much i wanna excuse myself with my ego or bad behaviour pattern, it was more of a vengeance or more of a test. I had a bit screwed up childhood where interaction with other people was more of a challenge than any kind of extraordinary experience. I mean sure there were good times, but all in all i was much better of doing things when no one was around though it did bother me sometimes why am i not such a company kind of guy. Answer to this is probably my inner dialog that respectively expressed my inner mood on my face, and thus i can only imagine that i was not really attractive from that perspective. Being angry, holding things in, not commenting on anything, not wanting any conflict with anyone, just agreeing with everything that goes no matter how conflicting situation was. Basically all i cared was me having a good time, while believing everything is already screwed beyond repair going down, so why then not have at least some fun. I was pretty abusive from the sense of money and those closest to me that gave me support, I intentionally lied to in order to up keep my game of having fun, just waiting for a turning point where all that shit will spew in my face.
Another thing that really bothered me in life is fairness. Because as i could see a potential going down, such as me being revealed of what my initial beliefs are, what my actions that i make without the awareness of others, particularly those that would be most pissed at me for making them. Thus i always considered that this "fairness" principle had turnabouts. For my case it was a question of how much longer i'd be able to live that way before i fall to the bottom. Even though i already saw myself as always being there, from the "1. world problem" point of view. I could use the excuse how others told me to have as much fun as i can while i can, but i'd do it either way. So logically to me there was an end to all this playing games and sooner or later i'll have to use my time in some other way or i'll not use it at all. And it eventually did hit me in the face. Something happened to me, something i don't know if i created, or caused the creation of it, meaning something, rather someone else gave me a peak that was enough to blow my mind, and all i thought i knew about this reality that i was living felt like fear. Basically i woke up in fear, thinking stuff, trying to stop myself from creating thoughts, it was just a mess. On the other hand this even contributed to me at least starting to respect unknowns, instead of just deciding upon something, believing it and then play my game of standing for it. I mean personally, Even if i'd decide for an opposite belief from one i had, it would be an equally blind decision. After all what my backchat was about was mostly, assumptions that if i say anything good about myself it probably is not, and besides i'd feel like a boast and i don't know why but when i get that experience of others doing it, i don't like it so much. I know, that in business there is just no other way to make others trust you a bit easier, if a commercial is expressing the best stuff that is on sale, but if i were to express something bad about me, maybe i'd have a bit of resistance but much less then about good things. Yeah basically i don't care if others think the worst of me. To me time consequence is the only real deal that no one can't run away from, and words compared to that, are just a part of it. I mean words are only one dimension, sure they have a slight influence, but compared to every other point that also has it, summed up, words are like nothing, they come and go, while this world is still here. Words are also energy. They come and they go.
Point that i'm trying to make is that sometimes i'd do something that i'd think is good. I'd not care if all hell would broke loose, as long as intention was aligned to an acceptable end result, for me of course. And since was so "no matter what i do it is always from the point of self interest", and yes this would also include others since i had pretty bad experience with others pushing me around, i'd think myself a dumb dumb dumb, if i'd believe that others can't somehow get back at me for what my limited self interest would cause to them. I can't explain it but in the past i did sometimes manage to do really bad things to others, yes because it felt good, thinking that i'll even or balance things out, but the guilt of knowing that i'd not like that, that would happen to me personally would just eat me alive. Lately i have stopped eating me on that account, but there are other problems that nag me.
So what i really wanted to test out if good pays back with good and bad with bad. In the moment of action i usually don't know if i do a good or a bad thing. This is probably because things need a bit more time to give answers, but what i did found out is how a simple lie can cause havoc that is completely pointless but regardless there is no protection from such occurrences. I personally decided some time ago to just not give a care about anything, but i'd still face moments where i'd have to care, like i had no other choice but to care, or i'd loose something good and or gained something bad.
This made me think is how pointlessly this individual gave me information how another individual made something bad. They weren't aware at the time, but what actually happened was that they forgot to check if this was true. And i because me is me, and i eventually spew out everything i hear, especially if others would say that i shouldn't relayed information forward, and the individual that received it got a bit of a shock because they firmly believed in their work and now their actions were being questioned. They didn't make the mistake, the individual blaming them did. Yet it caused them worry. So it is interesting to me that believing a lie without knowing it can cause so much mental harm.
This then brings me back to point i was initially describing. I found myself in a story again. It is basically the usual routine where nothing is personal and individuals that are described can find themselves through a story and this time I again found myself, though i don't know if was being thought about when the story was shared, but even if i wasn't, it opened up something for me, that went in the lines of me behaving in such a way where i'd cause fear, and individual that was afraid managed to convince others in my ill intentions. First of, from someone's perspective i'll always have ill intentions. Second, (this should be the actual first of) the amount of energy i invested, to not be conflict especially to those that i were interested in affecting, showing respect to things that from my point of view had no relevance what so ever, yet i had no choice but to believe in them, basically go against my own beliefs just because i thought that this is it. I don't care what i do to myself with my words and how seeds that i plant others throw away. probably it is better that way, but i'd be a fool to think that i intentionally do bad. Thing is, that i intentionally tried to do good, and it turned out bad. Would me doing bad turned out even worse? Or is there something i simply don't know that would make things run smooth and well for me from that aspect. What really bothers me is that what i am is somehow causing me to fail at creating a relationship with another out of love. I mean here i am liking someone, then i'd intentionally show myself to see if i'd be liked back, and then what i actually do when i express what i think is my honest way of seeing things is fear. I mean truth hurts, but in no way, despite feeling and emotion having a possibility to be a tool for manipulation, are they reliable. What we internally feel is only a part of the picture and i don't know why, i'll never believe that making whole picture on basis of what feels good thing. Though i am aware that some pictures consist of only that. Why the hell did I wanted to be loved by someone and would then intentionally try to make up words backed up by excuses to make the one i'd have a crush on, feel fear? Was it me wanting to see how i'll be handled? Was me wanting to see if that fear would be forgiven and would never bother them? Was it because i saw myself in fear towards them and would intentionally try to sent the package back? Did i act in vengeance? I don't know what is up with me on that account but it certainly revealed a picture to me that i've faced many times before with relation to relationships. I mean how i imagined relationship is having sex and a communication that is the same as talking to a normal friend, nice and easy. It is really annoying to me that i'm probably looked at as some guy that is just throwing himself after some girl that gets more or less annoyed by him. And information of probably me causing fear to another is just another +1 reason why i'll never fulfil my self interest.
It is interesting however that the more i tried to make myself a part of something, the further away i pushed the point. I know that this is only because i know i want to be right in something. I mean i do what i think is good, and i do bad. I know it only has to be good enough to be right, and perfection is easy to imagine within the mind, but in the real deal action will always sway a bit away. Personally what i had most issues with digesting is that my action caused a reaction. And since i know i tried to cover so many emotions and feelings towards others that i'd share myself with to show that i somehow know what the jam is about, but i don't know why these things that seem to hold like some sort of mechanism simply don't. I personally think it is at the begging of an experience where one know where to go with something, and no matter what happens after it that will hold most influence on decision making processes. Though some of such things kind of died within me, i'd later find out i am still pretty sure i can rebirth them, and if needed let them go again.
So what additionally bothers me now is the fact that i kind of went the opposite way, and instead of making a name for myself, i kind of suck at that point. I mean when i said i'll destroy myself i meant physically because of kind of "dangerous" (it is not if you use your head right) job that i have, and the will that i intentionally use to really work hard, like physically hard. I wanted to see if i collapse from physical exhaustion, but i'm no where near that at the moment. What i managed to do is kind of destroyed myself mentally as a picture in the minds of others, by simply behaving in a wrong way. I still ask myself if that is in fact so, about wrong behaviour, or is it simply all that suppressed stuff that just a consequence of my hidden backchat that is supposedly spiteful. But i don't get that. I am perfectly fine with others self forgiving themselves. I'd never say not to do it. I just think that forgiving oneself is but a trick, or how should i put it to accept usually something bad and not let it bury you mentally. Bad stuff will continue to happen whether we like it or not, so will the good, in fact i don't believe that there is any cure that would save us from experiencing the future. Please stop fearing me.
Heh i feel like no matter what i say it will only make matters worse. It is interesting how freeing what i believe the truth is for me, yet it causes such a consequence. It is interesting though about equality and everything, when i listen to recordings it is like one recording wants to influence me, but when i write to hopefully influence the one that is recording i feel like i'll be only taken on a ride. What kind of a ride? It is interesting that i in the past was so scared of others looking at my writings, and now that the number has dropped and i basically faced what i was afraid of. It is because i know I've said something wrong that make others not like me so much, but on the other hand fear of influence dropped along with it, since there is hardly any kind of influence i have now. I don't know why i keep believing that is a good thing, but maybe just maybe i am actually at least right about the point. But it does reveal how much i still mindfuck myself when i try to find reasons for things that i don't really know why they manifested.
It is also interesting that what is truth to me is not smelling good at all for others. I don't know why i believe in letting bad things to happen. I mean i do bad choices, actions too, but not all the time. And to think of all the people that can or are intentionally doing that, and me passively letting them. It makes more sense to me that i work on myself than to be bothered what others do, and i'm deliberately not around, because i'd rather for instance play games. If others touch me and cause me harm, i just don't care anymore, even if i did i'd probably not have any power to crate behavioural change within them. Though i did experience a case where an individual throughout their whole life did things that eventually caused them to be completely inactive. They told me that they don't really know what they did that would make them look like complete wreck. It just somehow slowly accumulated to a point of complete giving up, not knowing what to do, not having any kind of hopes, dreams, ideas, points, or purposes, but to wonder about what is wrong with them. I suggested many things, even DIP, or even telling them how we do self forgiveness out loud. I had a sweet reaction telling him that loud, but then i remembered that i don't believe in its workings. (Isn't it a kind of a mess that i react towards something that is suppose to stop them?). And while i get told that when i believe something is actually a beLIEf, what is then that to me if i believe in working of self forgiveness. If i were a computer, i'd be having an internal system error. Things in reality just don't go that way. Either something is or is not. There is not a real third option. If there is a third option there are probably many more, but then it always comes down to doing or not doing it, so we are left with yes or no. Being somewhere in between only shows uncertainty in an action.
What bothers me most is how this point of having something that others would want to have, there is literally nothing that they wouldn't do that needed to be done to get to it. I mean i was like that. I wanted to be a part of something just because of this desire to try out how i'd be hanging out with a particular individual. There were so many things that i knew stood in my way and against that there was no way in the world that i'd make it. It is just this crappy belief that stood in my way that maybe i'm missing something here, and that it would be better to accept all those things that i had a reaction of seeing it as something pointless, or in a long run useless, yet what i was aiming for that certain things if there is a long run, really run for a long time. This would automatically, it is logical indeed mean, that either everything will change according to what this individual would believe in or individual that knew something is working would eventually stop working. And what stops working simply means that there is some better way that actually works, or its workings are no longer asked for, maybe it worked at all, it is just a belief that literally made it work. This to me was the latest addition of knowledge on the topic of "magical".
Personally, my experience is what i believe in and i am kind of aware that not everything is crystal clear to me, meaning i too am probably doing something wrong. But if i'll find out it would be that much better for me. And i know i can't know everything. The way i see it is that i could intentionally go and play on the minds of others to set them on a direction, but practically what really happens is that i have no idea why some things just work out just like that, when i'd in the past really push myself into them would not happen for some reason, and now they just do. I don't understand why i don't understand. I don't understand why others would think me doing something intentionally bad to them. I don't even know why what i think is truth and totally sensible for me would cause so much fear in others.
When i Desteni, (verb) it is completely the same thing like when i family. I had some self chat about the topic of God. I come one day to my grandma's kitchen and i say it is stupid to believe in God or anything greater than us here. I mean surely a brick to the head can kill, or some simple malfunction. And once i heard that God loves us all that is why he or she or it doesn't do anything about when talked abut badly, while we in reality know that there are people that just swallow down bad words, and some that become really angry by slightest misalignment of reality. What happened when i spoke those words was normally anger. Instead that this time it was about something completely mental and more of a food for mind than anything touchable. I believe same happens to me with the point of self forgiveness, where i simply believe that is one that decides to act in some reaction, like being expressive and having a feeling to it, adds more intent or some kind of force to the otherwise already intended action, I know i've became i bit more reckless with my words, but the only reason i was not so from the start is because of being afraid of the people of the world, like I've done something bad to them, because of being such a smart ass on YT. Of this individual that i accidentally let myself have a crush on (paradox), and this energy thingy that was sort of a message for me of me really not having any idea what kind of situation i am dealing with. Basically i was a nervous wreck and i was mostly afraid of everything there is, and probably some things that are not, and now after half a decade i feel not afraid at all. I mean i still get scared, but that imaginary force seems to not have any effects. I kind of see myself already done for, in my lifestyle, i don't know what to change about me. I know i can easily find points i could but i am just too exhausted. I just sort the necessary ones out on the way and i have an idea that this will still come after me, and until then i'll simply enjoy not having a paranormal life. I still kind of have to convince myself to write about something. Still am not completely sure if it would be better to remove myself, as it seems this is the thing lately after being criticised, or i don't know what part of my imagination still things me doing that will be the worst choice of them all. Removing myself, meaning stop writing and participating.
Personally though despite my secret intents, that i imagined some saw so spiteful, it was way to banal, if that was the case to create such a huge problem out of one irresponsible reaction that i still don't know how they actually function. It is like completely my fault that i fell for something, like it was intentionally made in a way that supposed to be liked, and i went i think too far with this liking thing. It is not that i don't like it anymore it is just i am feeling a bit dimensional from a Destionian vocabulary. Like there is this brown mix of everything and i don't really know what to make of it, but it really tastes great, lots of spices, sweet, stuff, and despite having some digestion problems at the start I lately got quite used to it.
Personally i'd recommend this walk to everyone and anyone. It gives lots of experience but it is hard work on self. I personally had lots of resistances and i had to find a point for myself to live through. It is kind of a like a purpose, but i don't know if it is it. Though i know i needed lots of reason to go along. Maybe it is simply because i lately feel so pointless that i started questioning things i'd in the past not dare to. I think this arrogance got to me completely. I am somehow still aware that what another feels plays a bigger role than what another says. For words to be heard, one needs a silent inner and outer environment to not ruin the message. I'm saying this because today we literally have to yell at each other to hear, because some machines are loud, I couldn't hear half of what was said yet i'd nod as if i'd understand what was being said.
I short i feel exactly as B would say it in the past. It is like giving up on the inside. I don't know if i exhausted myself to a point that made me just give up, or this process really works. Though lately i did so little self forgiveness in writing and speaking. I also find an excuse to see if i can do my life without it. Though i am also considering a second option of only writing in SF now, just to see what happens if i do it for a really long time. Like will my relationship towards it stay in the head of others or will they change opinion about me with relation to my relationship towards self forgiveness. But it is amazing how love messes things up. What i create in my backchat is that if i would express one type of love, it would be regarded as something different, probably opposite in the minds of others, and if i were trying to relay that type of love what i'd believe others would think about i'd again be not believed in. I mean when i say that i don't know what wrong i did to make things go this way, i am also stating that i believe that i did nothing wrong, yet there is no problem for me to find excuses how literally everything i ever did is wrong wrong wrong... If i feel nothing with that, do i have to forgive myself, or i have to forgive myself cause otherwise this thing called collective consequence will again face me and i'll again try to fix it with words. I did have intentions to cause fear, and if i did that successfully it was only probably because of wanting to see what happens. Funny, i got shit scared now that i think the past of it. i guess i wanted to at least feel special about myself. Like for instance people keep treating me with all sorts of threats throughout my whole life. I personally believe it is a normal case scenario for most of life. What i wanted to be special in, is scaring and then doing nothing really. I mean why is that that to some people we have no problem with treating them that way, while towards others it would be such a mental resistance to do it. I don't get how we'll ever establish equality if i would for instance believe in someone more than me, because on the bottom line i do, but that more than me is actually a living being that i kind of depend on, and there are beings that are less than me, that i personally would never obey a command from, though i just gave myself an idea to do this more often.
Reality is not the problem, only the picture of the mind about reality is. From one sense they are both, from another it couldn't go any other way, simply because it is the way it is. How to fix it i honestly have no idea. I personally though just doing good for me and the rest is enough. To check if each and every one agrees on something is impossible. Thus i have to imagine what is the right thing to do. And my imagination, well hopefully you didn't read my past blogs, so you don't have the problem of knowing how mentally screwed i am. I don't even worry about it anymore, i was consistently told so, and now that i am, i can't help but wonder that this is not yet the worst of it. I only hope that there is someone out there that gets me, like understands me why it is such a struggle for me to on, one hand wanna walk with something, and on the other not completely getting along. How am i suppose to walk with something that i don't get along.... I'll just walk with and see what happens...probably nothing, hopefully something eventful. But it is interesting to loose things, though how can you loose something if anything that is ever done creates some sort of consequence, and no matter what it is i either way don't know about it.
I was doing a more complicated thing today. The guy i helped, or supposed to help asked me a couple of times if i was in love that i couldn't keep up with things i supposed to do.