Day 839: Unsorted agony
I've been bit lazy to tell the truth. I could have written my blog regularly, i just didn't want to. Of course i thought here and there what i should write about, like right there and then, but vacation is a vacation.
So im gonna go on from where i stopped last time. Particularly my emotional problems. It is gonna be a boring post, or my self honesty still hasn't contact me, pardon...the other way around. I wasted most of my time to take that cake of misery i made for me and eat it. I did question myself how much this emotional state affects others as well. And then i worried that i made others feel miserably just because i couldn't get over myself. I had enough time to finally get it what was my root cause for my dimensional switching. I don't know what this means for you, but for me it doesn't mean that i jump into different realities, rather different, usually opposite energetic body. To make that clear, energetic body is simply a state of reaction where one is full of energy for instance energy of happiness. To make another thing clear i needed like a few years before i figured out what the hell this vocabulary meant. To put it mildly i thought that people were jumping realities...just portal themselves from one world into another, and the rest of the population wondered vigorously how some have "special" abilities and others kind of missed the point in life. I mean i get it now how understanding of words influences understanding of world. It is not like there are different natural foundation laws for different people like some don't need to eat to live at all, and the rest of us can go **** ourselves cause we need to kill other life in order to extend our own. Real highlanders we are.
Anyway to go back to the topic of my emotional drama and negatively charged body. I got lucky few days ago. A person i know started to do this readings on peoples past. I think it was for the sake of being interested in existence of such things, and to live of of it. Then i told her about some other guy that did make quite a fortune with these bio-energetic/esoteric things. At least he told me that bio-energy is just another name for fancy magical esoteric community. Anyway she wanted to prompt me to set her up with him to converse about it, and one day i found him at the bar, thinking i'll set her up, but i didn't have my phone with me so what was left to do was to talk about it. He said he wants to contact her cause he is worried about whatever she does is a scam. The way he put it there are lots of charlatans out there. And this was a clue for me and my miserable state of being.
Cause of this one point of "is it real?", i'd have constant trust issues within me. For instance when i first started to converse with some individual that i found fancy, i'd besides that had a calamity within me cause i'd not believe in these magical things. Like i'd believe that there are beings with "knowledge" and a bit more influence to "control" state of reality, but i'd never believe that there is something magical without some reasonable constructs behind it that would explain workings of whatever mind is bothering to figure out. I mean it is like observing how something is happening but not having any idea nor capacity to create an idea why it is that way. In fact i now feel like all the ideas with which i "explained" my here and now are more of a loose rouse, and thus i feel like they are a lie. It did bring some kind of piece and peace of mind but things got jammed whenever an idea that i'd just made up seemed to mach the state of things, when it really didn't. It is like that yearning for wanting to know more and more as if knowledge would give some sort of power, or in another way of seeing it you don't know inner peace until you are certain things are the way you think they are. I other words you believe in correct things, cause we all know what happens to us if we don't. One way of putting it is to thrust and iron pole into the ground. If you'd use enough power it will stay upright, and if not it will fall on the ground. If you use to much you wasting power. So that balance of what is and what is not, when enough and when too much, is pretty much what autopilots me. I just work on my autopilot and then let it carry me.
This topic of not being sure in something while at the same time hoping that it is true is quite dazzling. I mean such aspects don't fit together at all. For me it was like throwing myself after this individual and think the world of them while at the same time i'd not believe in them. I mean these jumps from thinking one thing and then another, and then back to the first one, does make me look like two-faced hypocrite, it was just that i knew that no matter what i'd believe in would make me blind if i'd not have "evidence" or the facts. And i think this is the most amazing thing cause to this day i'd not find one cure, but to simply make a decision, stand for it and let the time give you the response that is needed to see if the things that are believed in are true or not.
What is eating me inside out is the realisation that cause i didn't sort this thing out, i actually caused things that i didn't want them to happen to me. So i too became what i didn't want to. But then it is not like i knew what the correct steps were. All i managed to come up with was a pathetic sorry and then recollect my sorry ass in my room. I didn't want to talk about it cause it made me feel miserable, cause i knew that ever-facing presence of uncertainty, and as if relativity is more simple than it looks, it is quite a feat to make up something that would "explain" the situation, and then believe that accompanying hype, until nature again makes a show how the point has just again been missed.
I mean for all i know i can make myself believe that substance is alive, like some sort of god. Like you are a GOD but because god is not on your side you can go whistle yourself. I mean isn't it similar how books describe this event of being kicked out of god's paradise and then what is left to be done is to get back home. And when you look at this ideas how atoms are structured on subatomic in a time's moment (and i've seen a few models) all have this core and the usual difference is what kind of path these surrounding kicked out of the core particles are having. Why is it that mass tends to be pulled together and energy wants to be pulled apart evenly across all boundary. It is like core is a god that kicks out a piece of itself that gets separated from it and then that little part of it wants to go back home to its core. Right now i could go "is this what the holy books have been trying to explain". No it is not really the point. Point that i wanted to describe is that no matter what i make up, it then takes a decision to follow up on something, cause in my case i'd jump these "choices" not really trusting any of them, yet i knew i had to pick something otherwise i'll just remain this confused being. I don't know why it is better to walk the wrong road, than to not walk at all. That fear can literally immobilise you despite having the ability to move. I mean sometimes it is best to be still, i guess that is why that "stop" got such a good commercial. Cause believe it or not it is a change and respectively to that other things react differently towards it, than the usual series that would happen if stop wouldn't happen.
I think it is weird how i had this definition of "ego" within me and how i'd try to not be an egoist, while some things, especially regarding being fulfilled do cross paths with it and just because they can be seen as egoistical, just cause they feel good, it is seen as some kind of sin, and then i'd imagine that a decision to not wanna be an egoist, consequently screw up potentials that are completely possible. It is one of those things i wanna beat the shit out of myself cause of it. But then it is pointless also cause it is the same for any other thing i don't know. I mean if that means so much to me, just because i want to sort it out to get that certainty, why do i complicate it so. It is not like gravity has any good explanation, yet i know that it kills you if you fail on it. It is like knowing how it works, but why...that is a mystery. I bet some know, but if they would tell me, i'd probably not believe it. It is a fail safe mechanism that protects you from being mentally screwed, yet this same thing can ruin so many good things.
In other words i'm still getting over, or letting go of a few "ideas", and all this time i feel like i actually rather tried working on making them work instead of letting them go. Oh my God, now i understand all those people that got mused into action, and i thought i wanted to show my "strength" how that ain't gonna happen to me, and that is exactly what happened. But i mean why would i do this, this is egoistical, and it is against my "principles" of what i wanna be like. It is like that belief i created how one can be double crossed, and having this idea of being scammed in the back of mind, and such foundations don't bare faith well. I even push myself down on imagination level to "punish" myself for being like that. I mean i could be like that with all things and all i'd do i conflict. I say screw accidentally not believing the truth, i rather believe a lie, than to constantly not believe in anything. So what i screw up, hopefully i'll learn something from it and if not, better luck next time, and so and so on... I did wonder how some creatures look so beautiful, yet my reactions towards their behaviour was totally screwed up. The way i compensated that image was that i'm probably not entirely aware, or maybe i'm evil to think that anyone is. I mean one idea was that since there are so many beings that exist, it is normal that interests would clash and no matter how long one constantly lets others have what they want it can here and there turn around and the humble start to fulfil their cravings. Usually it happens when it is too obvious to some that things are not exactly equal and the other half that are completely blind to such an aspect. It is more a concept of imagination what who deserves. There is no thin borderline to this, and i know some are willing to tolerate allot while others not so much. I think this is a really delicate thing especially in relationships.
Balance is hard to find, it is easy to get lost in some intent. I mean this blew my mind a bit. Inflation occurred when i was told about my past and i couldn't help but to compare it to some of the dreams i had as a kid. I was dreaming something then this woman came to and i knew her, it was like we were together, and she would said something to me that would make me feel tense inside. The way i imagined it then, it was like she was the wrongdoer as if the trust between us silently died in that moment, or at least on my side, cause no matter how much i'd try to deny that feeling or thought i knew i created it, and it was too late in a sense from taking it further down the fall. What i was told that i was in the past was that i was constantly telling her what to do, thus i'd look like the superior one, and that could explain that this blind mode of constantly instigating control might have caused the turnaround. I mean maybe i didn't know it by the that things turn around constantly, but if i did it was probably deliberate, for instance trying to see how far can one go with constantly dictating others. I mean it is like only a matter of time when one has to humble a bit no matter how far up they are on the success ladder to make imagined fate happen. Creating wishes is easy, creating what you wish can be life-wrecking. And considering how life needs life's substance this superior inferior relationship is more of made up thing than what is really going on. But i can't play this dog eat dog game with everything.
For me, the sum of all info looks like completely contradicting. I know i can't believe every piece i made up, and i know i can't believe everything i've heard. I thought that maybe it is that stubbornness to want to contradict something just to make a fuss about something. It is as simple as a decision to not heed the word of another, just because i'd want to look like i made that decision to look smarter or that i know more. I think that is the reason why i had this predisposed image about the magical things. But now i got older and a bit more stupid i realised that no matter the profession one can be a good or a bad doer. I mean they were all happy about building A-bomb then it caused that terrific terror cause it was a blast. And i personally "hated" esoteric cause supposedly it was taken as something more, just cause some have access to it and others don't. I don't know if this topic was already defined or in process of discovery mistakes were bound to be made and some of those mistakes i experienced as really unpleasant. I don't know why i took the most of the thing as a lie, or too good to be true, but the only thing that i found myself smarter for is this concept of consequence.
What i don't get is how this afterlife world claiming to be turned anything you can dream of basically unlimited potential what you can create within it (don't mind the thought that it all ends when you die, this is a topic about it just keeps on going despite death), and thus one wonders if anything of it is real even, cause it is just made up, and one more thing regarding memory. Cause if this physical reality is connected to that psychical one than the psychical one must experience the concept of "not being able to go back". So the "afterlife" doesn't solve anything rather to just give you the experience that it is also part of reality, no matter how there is no actual integrity to it, other that it being there too...constantly.
Just one more thing. Maybe physical is alive as awareness. If puzzle of it is pieced up together correctly it can do wonders, but it always joins into one awareness of the physical body. I mean if a physical house leaves an energetic imprint on the afterlife dimension than no matter the physical form there is a memory to it once existing and if parts put together create an experience the awareness of it is nothing but point of it existing no matter who it is. It the memory that gives a self image to awareness so it experiences itself as that self. For instance I am only defined by what consequence i created for myself. Memories i became aware through different channels and even substance itself. So being as some entity is just a part of that same source that got separated and it doesn't really matter which being it is, because no matter the being it was the knowledge that defined it. Like the only way for a being to be individual is if it had sort of a luggage, which i now believe was the sole purpose of a soul. (This is what i also feared in the past that a fabricated experience was given to me either by me or someone else, now i just don't care about it anymore, since it is all so complicated for me, i don't know how to make sense of it). But then this is also dangerous cause you can then take a being put it into consequence of someone else just cause it seemed fit to make that being see what it did to another, but (there is always a but) that would only work if a being would allow it, and the big question about who being is because maybe being itself also carries info that is also defining who being is, like a piece of info that you know was with you from since ever. And i think this clashes within me. When you have something to believe in and even if it is a lie you take it as truth, and i don't know if it is possible to not be possible to let it go, no matter how much bad it causes. All i know is that lying to oneself outweighs the trashy experience if someone else lies to you, simply because if this mind can't be stopped completely, talking within it will always occur and by definition there is then more mind chatter than real one. I mean if you look at talking loud it is exhausting after a time, it is impossible to talk all the time. I guess this may mean it is impossible to mind all the time also, but at least in my case i think i constantly think. And even though i usually don't remember what the hell i was participating in my mind 5 minutes ago, some points stick for a later munching. So if physical is holding on to memories for us, then in a way who am i as a stripped down "presence of awareness" may not have anything to do with who i am currently, and i'm just living up to some memory database that wants to be considered despite it being so full of it. Basically i'm kind of scared of my consequence if i ignore my pieces of the puzzle that are there but seem to not fit together at all. I mean in a way they perfectly fit together, but it is just too good to be true.
Once i thought there was a start to this. But then i started doubting that because of one simple (not entirely trustworthy) answer. And that was the doubt in end of it. I mean the way i imagined if there is one being with ability to create anything, and it then separates, cause it couldn't/wouldn't want to hold it together, the only way to revert the consequence it to end it the way it started, but then if there know to everything and there is this desire that maybe we don't know it all because we want to see if there is more to it, to experience it, sort of feel it i guess, the the obvious question was that everything would just get repeated the same way no matter how many times it would start all over again. I mean that is what i was once told, that this is what already happened. I don't know if it was a joke, but I ain't fucking reliving it all again, especially now that i was told that my past lives were not so pleasant, hell not even this one. It is kind of silly to think that all i'd constantly work on is to enjoy the consequence and still there are hard turns to live through. Yes i did also think that maybe i wanted it to go this way in some unconscious mode. But then seeing what a lottery sometimes happens i doubt it was intended to go this way. I mean why would intentionally work on a future where one would torture oneself? Isn't it easy enough to make a wrong move and then live with it? Sure I learn, I think that i just need more time to get certain things regarding relationships. Plus i think that if i got my egoistical problem sorted there would probably new ones on the surprise list to dance with.