Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 10 May 2013, 20:23

Day 12: Test-anxiety – The Future Job (Part 2)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-12 ... ob-part-2/

This is the second post in my new series that started yesterday – in which I will walk through the point of test-anxiety – and remove this point from my life. It will be a series of around twenty blogs wherein I will go into the detail of how I’ve created this particular experience towards taking tests.

Looking at how I experienced myself in relation to tests when I was younger, I am able to see that it was the exact same thing – before each test I usually became very nervous, and anxious – and if the test I did happened to go bad I would sometimes even break down in tears. It was a big thing for me to prove that I was able to nail the tests – and I spent much time already as a youngling to study, and really learn the tests that were handed out in school.

I remember in particular one test that I took in 5th grade about religion – and I this I remember clearly because I got a good grade, and that made me really happy, and I felt content. Looking at this memory from a mind/system starting point – it’s easy to conclude that “hey! What a positive memory!” – that memory can’t be anything bad right?

Though – when looking at the implications of me becoming happy, and satisfied due to some letters arranged on my test-paper – that represent “very good” – the memory become less positive – and what I am able to see is this way of living as trying to please a authority out there in order to feel good about myself – that is one of the primary dimensions in relation to my test-anxiety – I fear becoming, and feeling worthless – and I’ve given the power to teachers, and people outside of me to determine whether I am to feel worthless or not – depending upon how well they see me do on a test.

It’s really all insane – and it shows how in-effective our education system really is – it sets people up to exist in fear of failure, and trying to gain the acceptance of authorities – instead of making school, and learning – to be about learning, and using information to the betterment of all – not competing with who know the most information – that is completely unnecessary.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that unless I please the teachers that are here in my life – and that unless I make sure that I am liked, and that I am in the competition with other students – being seen as the best – that I will be worthless, and that I will be less than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others, and compete with others – and try to define me in relationship to how I perceive that others are doing in school – instead of stopping to compare myself – and instead live breath, by breath – and challenge myself – compete with myself – as pushing me to become more effective within myself – and not compete to feel superior and better than another

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of fear, and anxiety of failing with my test – not really for any practical reason – as to thinking that “when I fail my test I won’t get as a good grade, and thus not get a good job later” – but simply fear to fail, in fear of being seen as a failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I perceive that others think about me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire that others are to see, and define me as a success – and look at my life and think that my living is successful – and that I must be happy because I do not ever fail

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, and nervous before each test that I take – existing within and as a belief, and a experience that my entire life – and my entire future will be determined by the outcome of this test – and how well I am able to write this test – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand – that this is not the case – I mean – my life will not become determined by one particular test – it will be determined by my general application, and movement in relation to school – and how well I apply myself in relation to my studies over an extended period of time

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that one of the reasons that I experience myself nervous, and anxious to take tests – is because everyone else seems to do that as well – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to simply copy what others do – and because others do it consider it as “normal” to do – instead of accepting and allowing myself to question whether the behavior, and application is in-fact supportive, and good for me – whether I do want to live and hold unto this point – or whether this point is nothing that I want anything to do with in my life – because I want to live, and move myself differently within and as myself

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think in terms of absolutes – to think that if I fail my test – then I am absolutely fucked – to think that if I succeed with my test – then I am absolutely cool and a winner – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be more earthed, and common sensical in relation to how I approach a test – in seeing that it won’t determine my entire future – yet that it’s important for my future, as a piece, a part of my future – yet nothing that will absolutely send me either into heaven, or into hell – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put so much attention into one single point – instead of seeing that reality do not function by only one single point, but functions within several dimensions, and within several relationships between many points

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my future as a justification to hold unto my fear – thinking that it’s reasonable, and logical to fear making the test – because I mean this will have a direct impact unto the outlook of my future – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that yes – my future will change depending on how well I am able to write this test – yet that doesn’t justify, or explain why I have to change in my experience, and application of myself – because that is something that I have control over here – and that isn’t determined by my future, or the grade the I receive – directly that is – but only indirectly through me reacting towards the point of the test – and the change in my future

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see, and notice that I am thinking that I am must be liked, and be the best students – and be considered the most effective pupil by my teachers – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – neither my teachers – neither whether I am better than other students or not – determine who I am – because I determine who I am – and anything that contradicts this is a justification and a excuse for me not to take full responsibility for myself – as such I commit myself to take responsibility for my fear – and to stop my fear in relation to taking a test – and instead commit myself to do the test in breath here – and to practice being specific, stable, and enjoying myself in taking the test

2. When and as I see, and notice that I define failure as something that is bad, and negative – and something that I must fear – because apparently I must promote a image of success to my world at all times – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I can’t accept and allow failure to influence me in my movement – and in my decisions – I mean failure will probably happen – because failure is a natural component of learning new things and challenging myself to expand myself; as such I commit myself to stop fearing being seen as a failure, and to stop fearing failure – and instead give what is here my utmost attention – and walk it to my fullest potential – and not look at what mistakes I can make – but instead look at how I am able to solve and direct the point that is here

3. When and as I see, and notice that I am becoming nervous towards taking a test – because I feel, and think that my entire future, and my entire life will be determined by this test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – yes – some parts of my life will be directly influenced by the outcome in this test – yet hardly will my entire life fall apart simply because I do not succeed in this test as I’ve planned to do; as such I commit myself to not get stuck in wanting one point to work out for me – and placing all of me into hoping that this point will work – but to remain flexible and work with what is here – and see that my life is what I make of it – and that a failure doesn’t necessarily imply failure – because within a failure there might be other opportunities opening up for me – as other roads to walk

4. When and as I see, and notice that I am justifying me feeling nervous, and anxious towards taking a test – with thinking that everyone else also seems nervous, and anxious towards taking this test – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – only because everyone else experience a particular – doesn’t mean that I have to accept and allow that point to exist within me – because I am the directive principle of me – and at the end of the day I stand responsible before life – all alone – with what I’ve accepted and allowed within and as me in thought, word, and deed; as such I commit myself to not compare myself with others – to justify limitation within me – but to move to the correction immediately and stand as the point of showing with is real normality as what is best for all

5.When and as I see that I am thinking in terms of absolutes – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that reality – for most part – does not work in absolutes – but is instead existing as a this constant flow – a movement – wherein there is opportunities, and several other ways to walk – if it happens to be as such that a planned route suddenly becomes impossible to walk; as such I commit myself to remain flexible – and not define myself according to my plans – yet still be deli gent, and dedicated in relation to pursuing and manifesting what I’ve planned for myself to manifest

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am using my future as a way to justify my fear – thinking that it’s logical to fear because the outcome of test will influence my future – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that it might be so that the outcome of the test influence my future – but this doesn’t make it logical to fear – I mean fear is not logical – it’s irrational in it’s very nature – and has nothing to do with reason, logic, or common sense; as such I commit myself to remain here within and as breath – and not allow myself to go into fear – but to stick with what is real – and act, move, and direct myself with and as what is real – here

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 11 May 2013, 21:39

Day 13: Test-anxiety – Fear of Wasting Time (Part 3)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-13 ... me-part-3/

An interesting point that I’ve noticed as I’ve studied for tests here at the university is that – when I’ve spent much time preparing myself – being diligent, and specific about knowing, and comprehending each detail of the course that I’ve read – is that I will fear not getting the best grade – because if I don’t – then apparently I’ve spent all the time I’ve been preparing myself in vain.

And this is a interesting point – because it shows to me that I want to have success – yet I am not willing to face the possibility of failure that is always a constant when I challenge myself, and go after something that I know will be difficult for me to achieve. I want to have the success – yet within this I fear reaching for, and bringing myself to success – because I fear the possibility of failure.

But obviously – I can’t reach greatness – pushing myself beyond my limitations, beyond what I believe myself to be capable of – when I fear failure – and the solution I’ve created in my mind is to simply not go after the success at all and let myself fail immediately, because then I won’t have to walk through the suspense of not knowing whether I will succeed or not.

Now – the problem here is not whether I will fail, or succeed – the problem here is WHO I AM within all of this – because one thing is clear – if I do not define myself according to either success, or failure – if I do not create fear towards failure, and desire towards success – I mean – then I am really FREE to move and participate in this reality according to the laws of physics – and to challenge, and push myself without putting anything of “me” into it – because I know that – whether I succeed, or fail – I will remain the same – here – breathing – stable – without emotion – without feeling – and without thought.

Thus – being stable in regards to the outcome of my actions, and my plans – that is something I must practice – because within infesting my plans, and actions with feelings, and emotions – I am making myself blind – and I make my actions become based upon nonsense – and lack all common sense – because I only see the energies – without realizing that the energies are really not relevant – because what is relevant is what is HERE – as the PHYSICAL – as that which I can TOUCH – SEE – and INTERACT with – that is real.

And here I see that – getting the best grades possible – that is a physical point – that will really make my future life a lot easier – as I will be able to be more stable in regards with money – thus – it’s a point to pursue and manifest – and achieving this point is a success – and not achieving this point is a failure – yet – it doesn’t define WHO I AM – it’s merely practical points of consideration – and the outcome of these points will have consequences in my life but they will not determine me – unless I accept and allow it; and this is the KEY to being stable in this reality – to live the realization that I am in this world – but not off this world.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire success, and to fear failure – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infest my practical, and physical movement in this reality with feelings, and emotions – and making my participation in this world to be about how I feel – instead of it being about what I see is practical – what is see is beneficial – and what I see is supportive

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand – that I can have success, and I can have failure – yet this doesn’t mean that who I am is success, and who I am is failure – because I DECIDE who I am – not external events – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with my plans, and to become possessed with a preferred outcome – and to think that these points define who I am – instead of walking breath by breath – and manifesting my plans, and my decisions – without defining myself according to my plans and decisions

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I won’t ever get far in this world – and be able to manifest my plans – unless I am willing to accept failure – and embrace failure – because I see, realize and understanding that in striving for success – failure is a probability – but within this it’s to see, realize, and understand that failure is not a bad thing – and it’s not a emotional thing – it’s merely a sign showing to me that I’ve not yet taken into account all practical details required to be looked at for success – and that there is some calibration required for me to in-fact achieve success

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want results, and to want success – without being willing to give the effort, and walk the necessary challenges in order for me to get to – and manifest that success – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire success to manifest automatically – and that I am only to have success – and that I am never to face failure – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that failure is natural part of living – that is not to be feared – but is to be understood and learned from – because from failure – success is born – if failure is utilized, and seen in the correct way

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect results without me giving of myself to produce such a result – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving of myself – when I can’t be certain that the results will be what I desire – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understanding – that living within such a fear – will have the consequence that my life never leads anywhere – and that I remain stuck – because I won’t dare to face the uncertainty of life – and accordingly never move myself – but only remain in my confined comfort zone

6. I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that one of the primary reasons as to why so few human-beings manage to do something truly great with their life’s – is because of fear of failure – is because fear of going where self haven’t gone before – is the fear of not having success – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how our current school system is partly responsible for creating this disease within people – wherein apparently success is the only point that is valued – not realizing that failure is a stepping stone for success – and that real success can’t exist without recognizing, and seeing what failure is – and within this understanding how to direct a failure to become a success

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see and notice that I fear failure, and that I desire success – and that I am accordingly polarizing myself within myself; I immediately stop myself – I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand – that polarizing myself, and my reality into and as energies, and experiences – will not help me – but merely serve the lessen my clarity of seeing – and send me into a living wherein I do not act as what is common sense – but according to what I feel; as such I commit myself to act according to principles – to act according to mathematics – and not according to feelings, and emotions – as these points are not designed to be trustworthy guides of how to live my life

2. When and as I see that I am defining myself according to success, and according to failure – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that me being successful, or failing – doesn’t define me – unless I accept and allow it – as such I commit myself to stand – and live in this reality – but not be off this reality – but remain stable – objective – here – within and as breath

3. When and as I see that I resist, and fear failure – and that I try to avoid failure through simply not going for success – challenging myself – and pushing myself to achieve – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that in order to succeed – I must be willing to fail – by implication – as success can’t exist without it’s shadow-double – failure – because failure is the point showing to me that I have not yet considered physical reality – and that I as such can’t reach success because I am not here – and it’s as such not my enemy – but my friend – because it’s a teacher pointing to reality saying to me – hey! You’ve not looked at how reality functions – thus you won’t succeed!; as such I commit myself to embrace failure – to learn from failure – and to dare to strive for success even when this might mean that I will fail

4. When and as I see and notice that I want to have success – without willing myself to put in the effort – that hard work – and the discipline required to create such success – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that success will, and can only arrive – and be real – when I’ve physical walked the point into creation – success being that which I’ve created which I thought, and believed was beyond me – and that was a challenge for me to create; as such I commit myself to when I see a challenge to be faced – and I see that walking this challenge could imply success – I push myself to give the effort, and the discipline – and to needed physical walk in order to manifest success here as me

5. When and as I see that I am expecting results – expecting success – without doing what is necessary to produce such results/success – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that success is mathematical in nature – implying that success is a decision that I make and walk in every moment – and not something that just happens randomly, and by luck – as such I commit myself to walk the discipline, and dedication to live by mathematics – and not by feelings, and emotions

6. When and as I see that I avoid walking a particular challenge, and avoid creating my life to be what is best for me as all – because I fear failure – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that failure is the key to success – it’s what shows me what is working, and what isn’t – thus without facing failure I won’t be able to create success; as such I commit myself to face failure – to embrace failure – and to learn from failure – and to as such enable myself to manifest success in my world and reality – and within and as myself

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 15 May 2013, 21:40

Day 14: Test-anxiety – Stress as motivation (Part 4)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-14 ... on-part-4/

How are stressed people portrayed in this world? Partly their portrayed as people that get many things done – that have lot’s of responsibilities, and are within that being productive – that’s why their stressed – their running from activity, to activity trying to get as much done as possible; but is this in-fact so? I mean – do stressed people get more things done that non-stressed people?

Here I can take a look at myself and ask myself this question – do I get more done when I am stressed than when I am not stressed? The answer is – yes I do get more things done – but the quality of what I do isn’t very high – the reason being that when I am stressed – I in essence run through my activities in this mood of chasing the time – trying to catch, and hold the time – and I am within that not centered here in my breath, and fully into what it is that I am doing here.

Thus – stressed people (stressed me) do not get more things done that non-stressed people (non-stressed me) – this is a lie. Within this it’s fascinating to see how I’ve still adopted a belief that I need stress as a motivational force in order to get things done in my life – and that without stress – apparently I won’t get things done.

This reminds me of some interesting facts that have been mentioned to me in relation to driving. Many tend to think that when you drive superbly fast – that this will get you to your location faster than if hadn’t driven that fast – yes – this is true – yet the amount of time that you earn upon driving very fast is really not that great in comparison to the risk you’re placing yourself at when driving really fast. The same can be said about stress – when you’re stressed you might move a little faster, and tick more boxes of you’re to-do list – yet what you’ve done is not really done – but more half-done – because you hasted yourself through the process instead of being here with and as breath.

So – there I have it – proof that stress is really not this powerful tool that I’ve thought it was – it really only servers to make me uncomfortable in my body, and to have me miss important points in relation to what it is that I am currently doing. Thus – stress – go away from my life.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that stress makes me move faster, and have me get more things to be complete – and that I will be able to do more things when I am stressed – within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how stress makes me less effective in what I am doing – that I become absent minded – and that I miss important points because I am stressed and trying to get there – instead of being specific, and detailed here in this very moment that I am participating within here

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, perceive, and believe that if I let go of stress – I won’t be able to have any motivation to move myself in my reality, and complete tasks – and get things done – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that I am able to move myself by decisions – physically – and that do not require something more than me to move me – as stress – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of stress – and to move myself beyond the point of stress – in seeing that stress is really limited and not in-fact something that assists and supports me to improve, and become more effective in my day-to-day living

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of stress – in fear that if I do not anymore hold unto stress – and live by stress – and define myself according to stress – that I am then not going to have any sort of guide – knowing how fast, or slow I will move myself in my day-to-day living – within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to move me in the pace of breath – to move me in the pace of being here with my human physical body within and as oneness and equality

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me becoming stressed within thinking that it’s normal to become stressed – and that this is something that everybody do – and not only me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with others – and to use others in order to hold unto shit that isn’t supportive for me – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – and let go of stress – and see that it’s nothing that I will miss, and nothing I will regret myself for letting go off

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that stress gifts with a ability to understand, and comprehend more information – become more effective – more strong – and more directive in my life – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in being possessed with stress – I am simply missing my life – because I am not HERE – I am always over there in the next moment – trying to get something done – trying to accomplish something – instead of being here in this moment – and accomplish what is here for real

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, and direct myself from within and as a starting point of lack of time – as feeling that I do not have sufficient with time – to be able to let go of stress, and fear – and apparently if I let go of stress and fear – then this will mean that I have even less time – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that time in itself doesn’t have anything to do with stress and fear – these are simply unrelated points – something that I have related in my mind through defining myself according to time from a starting point of energy – instead of being practical – physical – and standing with time from a starting point of seeing what is practical

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am going into stress, thinking that stress makes me move faster – and have me complete, and get more things done – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that stress do not change time – it doesn’t give me more time – it merely makes me move more hasty and miss points in my life that are important – and within this I become sloppy; as such I commit myself to not move myself in stress – but to instead move myself in breath-awareness here – in the pace (peace) of breath – one physical foot in-front of the other

2. When and as I see that I fear letting go of stress, believing that when I do let go of stress I won’t have any motivation anymore – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am able to motivate myself – move, and direct myself – and I do not require stress to do this for me – stress is really in-fact useless – because it doesn’t serve to assist me in handling my physical world and universe; as such I commit myself to focus upon my physical directive decision movement – and perfect this – instead of thinking that stress will in anyway assist me with self-movement

3. When and as I see that I resist letting go of stress, thinking that I require, and need to use stress as some form of guide to show me how to live in my world – and that I can’t do without stress – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that stress is a useless guide – it’s simply a energy – a reaction – and not common sense – not any guide really merely a energy-indicator saying “run, run, run!” – as such I commit myself to stop relying on stress – and instead rely upon – and use common sense to move and direct myself in my day-to-day living

4. When and as I see that I am justifying become stress, thinking that it’s normal to become stressed – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that stress is not normal – it’s something that is induced into the body through thoughts – and not a natural immediate physical expression here; as such I commit myself to stop stress – and not compare myself without others – but to stick with my self-honesty – and honor that

5. When and as I see that I am thinking that stress makes me more intelligent, and intellectual – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that stress makes me less capable of integrating, and understanding information – and in-fact makes me misunderstand information; as such I commit myself to not be stressed – but to instead breath – and be here with and as my human physical body

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am moving myself from a starting point as lack of time – as thinking that the more stress I move myself within and as – that the more time I will have; I Immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that – in moving myself from a starting point of lack of time – I am creating lack of time – because I do not stand equal to time – being realistic about what I am able to do within the time that I have at my disposal – as such I commit myself to be realistic with time – and to not plan millions of activities in a time space that isn’t made to handle that many activities – but understand the limits of time – and apply myself accordingly
Last edited by viktor on 15 May 2013, 21:42, edited 1 time in total.

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 15 May 2013, 21:41

Day 15: Test-anxiety – My Parents Must Approve (Part 5)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-15 ... ve-part-5/

In growing up one of my primary motivators to earning good marks in school was my parents – simply because I feared disappointed them, and when I did get a low mark they didn’t seem to be very happy with me at all.

I remember at least two times when I’ve begun to cry in despair due to me feeling that the grade I received wasn’t good enough. It’s fascinating – because when I look at the point – I can see that I don’t really care. Meaning that – if my parents hadn’t become disappointed when I received a low mark – then it wouldn’t have been that much of a big deal to me – I am able to see that my grade-hunting-personality is much related to how I see myself in relation to my family.

Getting a good grade have been my way of making myself heard in the family – and make myself seen to my parents, and within this receive more attention than my siblings. Thus – my school work has been largely based upon a starting point of competition, wherein I’ve tried to put my all into my school, and the tests that I was doing, from a starting point of survival – wherein I’ve seen me receiving attention/love in the family as essential to my survival.

So – to keep my position in the family I’ve thus made sure that I receive good grades, and when I haven’t – I’ve experienced much emotional turmoil, and felt useless. The best memories I’ve in relation to getting a good grade – is when I’ve just gotten a fantastic score – and I run to my mother, or father – and I show them my test score – and then they cry out: “wow Viktor that is really good!” – this single momentary experience of happiness that I’ve felt emerge within me in these situations have been one of the major driving forces of my intense studying, and fear of failure in relation to my studies.

If it hadn’t been for this point – I am sure that I would have given up on school as a young child, and left school with nothing but average grades. That is quite fucked up – that I didn’t ever learn the importance of school, and to see that there is more to school than getting praise in the family – that your results in school will in effect determine the future of your life – I had no clue about this and instead motivated myself in school by some irrational, and irrelevant fears – as for example – the fear of my parents becoming disappointed with me.

Within this it’s also interesting to note that a consequence of me being dependent upon my parents judgment/attention in relation to my school work – has been that I’ve not developed a self-movement, and self-direction in relation to school/career/job – but I’ve instead followed what my parents have told me, or wanted me to do – and been fine with that. This is obviously something that isn’t cool at all – and that have resulted in me living my life to a large extent not for me – but for my parents.

Thus – the solution is to bring back common sense to school – to motivate myself with common sense – to see that school and my performance within it has practical effects on my future, and living environment – and that I am studying for myself – and not for my parents – and that fearing to make my parents disappointed is really a limiting, and self-compromising fear – that is consequential for my success and effectiveness in school.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents will become disappointed with me if I receive a bad mark on my school work, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move, and motivate myself in my school work from a starting point of fear – and from a starting point of thinking that it’s important for my survival that my parents give me attention – and judge me in relation to my school work positively

2. I forgive myself hat I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, and experience anxiety that I will loose my position in the family unless I get good marks, and fantastic grades on my school work – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a “position in the family” – to think that I am limited, and constrained to what my parents feel, and think about me – and to how much attention I receive from my parents in comparison with my siblings

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how my participation in school influence my future – and is important for me – not because of fear of disappointing my parents – because of a practical point of seeing that my results in school will effect what sort of job I will be able to have in the future – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here to the physical – and see, realize and understand that I am now an adult – and as such able to take care of myself in this world – and I do not anymore need my parents permission to love myself – or – I haven’t ever needed that permission; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of my fear of disappointing my parents

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself hostage in fear, and to become overwhelmed with fear in relation to my studies – and to think that I need, and require fear in order to be able to study for tests, and to be able to understand tests, and to be able to receive good marks, and results in school – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely upon fear, instead of relying upon common sense – and what is physically practical – and best for all

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the person that “always receives the best grades” – and when I do not receive the best grades – to then go into a emotional turmoil, and experience myself worthless, and useless – and think, and believe that there is now “nothing more to me” – because I’ve failed at this apparently completely essential point of getting the best grade possible – instead of accepting and allowing myself to BREATH – and to see that there is much more to me than what grades, and results I receive in school – and I don’t have to define myself according to what grades, and results I receive in school

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my experience at the school to be uncomfortable, and really not very enjoyable at all – and to make my experience of studying before exams to be this stressed, anxiety filled – hell – due to me fearing to disappoint my parents – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the gift of BREATH of letting go of this fear and bring myself back here – and participating – walking my studies – without fear – without anxiety – and without any form of self-judgment – simply walking it in silence – and breath here

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see and notice that I go into and as a fear that my parents will become disappointed with me if I receive a bad mark in my school work – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fear is completely non-sensical – and also – completely useless – because it’s common sense that this fear only holds me back from developing and creating real self-motivation, and self-movement – as such I commit myself to walk my studies for ME within and as common sense what is best for all – and within and as fear

2. When and as I see, and notice that I go into fear that I will loose my position in the family unless I get good marks, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – my apparent position in the family is a mind-job – and not real – also – my position doesn’t determine who I am – and as is as such irrelevant; as such I commit myself to focus upon my studies – instead of fear of failing with my studies – as this is obvious common sense – just as how it’s common sense to focus upon living – and not fear of dying

3. I commit myself to become self-directed, and self-motivated in my life – and to see that my movement in my studies affect, and influence my life directly – and as such what my parents feel or not feel – that is really not relevant – but what is relevant is the actual consequences that happen in my life due to the results of my studies; as such I commit myself to stop focusing upon what others feel/think about my studies – and instead focus upon ME studying – and becoming effective at studying

4. When and as I see that I use fear in order to motivate myself to study, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I instead utilize self-enjoyment, and the strife to perfect myself in my studies – and become effective with within what I am doing to walk my studies – and as such let go of fear – as it doesn’t support me to live

5. When and as I see that I am defining, and looking at myself as the person that “always receives the best grades” – and when I don’t receive that type of grade – go into a emotional turmoil – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how I am not a grade, and I am not a mark – I am a being here – within the physical – as such not defined by what mark, and grade I receive – as such I commit myself to breath and be comfortable with and as myself here

6. When and as I see that I am making my experience of myself in school, and while studying for my exams – to be uncomfortable, filled with fear, and anxiety – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I shift my starting point – from wanting to achieve in fear of failure – to instead achieving for me – in seeing how specific and detailed I can become in relation to my studies – and how much I am able to develop a effective study technique and get the results I want to have – as such making my studies to a enjoyable game – and not a chore – and something that is boring, and must be feared, and resisted

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 18 May 2013, 21:53

Day 18: Test-anxiety – Fear of Feeling Useless (Part 8)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-18 ... ss-part-8/

One reason that I fear receiving a bad grade – is because I fear how I will feel when I do receive the grade – I fear what thoughts will go through my mind, what images, and pictures might emerge.

The reason for this is because I’ve in the past – when I’ve gotten a bad grade gone into a experience of feeling useless, and bad – and I’ve felt that I was a failure – and within that experience the rest of my world seemed to be not relevant at all – and everything that was relevant was my experience of feeling bad that I didn’t receive the best grade. This is how it’s been for all my years in school – the grade – the comment from the teacher – the final judgment – that have always made such a big impact on me – both positively, and negatively – both with feeling super-good, and also feeling super-low.

Why is this? I mean – where does this point originate? What I am able to see is that it has to do with self-worth, self-integrity, self-respect, and self-love – basically who I am towards myself, and how much worth I consider myself having only by myself. I am able to see that through my life I’ve tried to add worth to myself through taking on various points – I’ve tried to add worth to me through playing sports, through learning to play guitar, through learning a new language – and also getting a good grade in school have also been another way to add worth to me – and the reason for this is because deep down I’ve felt that there is no worth to me – and that I need something to put unto me – like a Christmas tree receiving it’s dressing – for me to be able to be whole, fulfilled – and worth something.

This is obviously completely fucked up – because common sense is that I should be fine with me regardless of where I am in this world, of what I own, of what skills I have, or what education I have – that is real self-worth – and self-love – when the external does not determine who I am – but instead I determine who I am – because that is completely unconditional and not dependent upon slaves to be realized.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider, and define myself as having no inherent worth – and as being in essence worthless – and within this think that I must cloth myself with various experiences, and symbols in this world to gain worth – and to “become something” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself – to not love myself – and to not worth myself – to not see, realize and understand that I do not need something more than me to be worthy of living – worthy of loving myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worthy – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize education as my slave – to give to me worth – within me believing that I am not able to give worth, and love to myself – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself here as completely whole – and fulfilled – to see, realize, and understand that I am not able to create real worth through external points – but that real worth must be something that I live and create from nothing as myself – otherwise it’s a point of separation that I am using to not take self-responsibility for who I am

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in create myself as self-love, and self-worth – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my environment – to blame school – to blame education – to blame friends – to blame my family – for me not experiencing worth as myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that it’s up to me to create me – and that this is because I am here – to create myself as self-worth, and self-love – and that this is what I am doing through making a decision within myself as to who I am going to be in a particular moment – and what I am going to live as – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and live self-worth, and self-love – as myself – through not being influenced by my external world and reality

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and emulate an experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that a actual – and real expression of self-worth, and self-love is not a short burst of energy – it’s not a feeling as feeling good – it’s a actual – one and equal – physical movement – and physical stance of myself here – as who and what I will accept and allow myself to express myself as – and as who and what I will accept and allow myself to exist, and live as; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not BREATH – and being this process of self-creation – and walk this process of self-creation in every moment of breath – in every here – moment

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that worth, and love is to come to me – without me giving these points to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to go the lazy-route of manifesting self-worth, and self-love – through defining it in relation to a external point – and then trying to get the attention, and positive affirmation from that external point – instead of me willing myself to stand, and create, and live myself as self-worth, and self-love – and as such stopping the separation – stopping the attempt to have another give to me what I am not giving to myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand the simple common sense in understanding how I function – in understanding that I can’t steal, or take self-worth from another – but I must create, and move, and direct the point as myself here within and as oneness and equality – else it’s not real

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I consider, and define myself as being inherently, and in essence worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – NO – I am not inherently, or in essence worthless – I am here with the potential to create and birth myself as life from the physical – and I am here with the potential to decide what I am going to live in my life – and how I am going to life – as such I commit myself to take this gift of who I am – and utilize this gift as my potential to birth me as life from the physical – to see that this is real worth – and real value – and to bring this point to fruition – and fulfillment

2. When and as I see that am making myself dependent upon external points in order to give me an experience of feeling worth – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I must create myself as worth, else worth is not real but only a mirror image in separation from myself – as a feeling – as a thought – and as such I commit myself to bring into creation real worth – and real value – and real living practically here – within and as physical self-movement – on a breath per breath basis here

3. I commit myself to take responsibility for myself – in creating myself as self-worth – and self-love – in practical self-movement – wherein self-love, and self-worth is not something that I try to generate through having others looking at me a specific way – or perceiving me in a particular way – but that it’s a point that I am living as myself – and walking as myself without being dependent upon another

4. When and as I see that I am trying to emulate a experience of self-love, and self-worth – through getting good grades in school – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that good grades won’t give me self-worth, and self-love – good grades have nothing to do with WHO I AM – because WHO I AM is my responsibility and not the responsibility of my grades – as such I commit myself to take full responsibility for myself – and to stop utilizing my external environment to sabotage myself – in saying it’s my external environment that should give to me – instead of me deciding to give me to me

5. I commit myself to give to myself that which I’d like my external environment to give to me – as such I commit myself to give to myself self-worth and self-love – applying these points as – pushing myself in process – and walking through – applying self-forgiveness on reactions, and thoughts as they come up – and not accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as the mind – as experience – as thought – as limitation

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 19 May 2013, 22:03

Day 19: Test-anxiety – Competition (Part 9)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-19 ... on-part-9/

One of the reasons I experience anxiety, and fear towards not receiving a good grade on my exams is because of competition, and comparison – meaning – that I have thoughts about how I will perform, in relation to others – and within this I experience fear that I will not perform as well as others are going to perform.

competition-people1My first memories of competition in relation to school is from when I was around 10 years old – and here I remember that I was competing with one of my friends as to how got the best test score. When I got the best score I was happy, and excited – and I looked with glee at my friends score, and within that I felt like a winner. When my friend got the best score I became jealous, and I felt inferior and had thoughts of the nature such as: “I must practice more!” – “How come my friend always get’s a better score than me?!” – “Why can’t I be as good as my friend?”

Currently I am studying law – and this education is famous for being very competitive, because in essence your career possibilities are determined by what grades you receive – so I’ve seen that I’ve become very much affected by how my course-mates feel in relation to their grades, and I can see how I’ve been swept into this grade-competition cult. In the beginning when I first started this education I wasn’t that much fearful of receiving a bad grade, but the more, and more I’ve become integrated into the law-culture – I’ve become more inclined to worry, and fear about my grades.

So – here I have a cool opportunity to stand up and stand as an example of not accepting and allowing oneself to go into, and exist as competition – but to instead walk one’s education from a starting point of self-performance – where one change one’s starting point of competition – from competing with others to feel like a winner – to instead compete with oneself in challenging oneself to perform more effectively, and push through resistances, and become more dedicated, and diligent in relation to one’s studies.

Obviously – this is how competition should exist in this world – there shouldn’t be any comparative competition because really such competition is in-fact a lie – because it’s utterly impossible to compete against another as everyone as totally different capabilities, and resources at their disposal – we have all different genetic makeups, all different past’s, different up-bringing’s, and as such it’s really impossible for two people to compete – because they are never equal in all their prerequisites.

Thus – I will push to when I study – to change the competition – from ego-competition – to self-competition – as competing with oneself in challenging oneself to excel – obviously not from a emotional starting point – and not from a starting point of self-judgment – but instead like a game that I am able to play with myself – and that I am able to use to become more effective in my living, and in my various skills that I’ve taken on and decided to develop in this life.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infest myself with competition, and to study from a starting point of competition, and feeling that I am less than others – and that I have to perform, and become better than others in order to be satisfied with myself – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to recognize the fact that competition isn’t in-fact real – when I am competing with others – because I can’t compete with others as no two people have the same prerequisites – as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to instead change competition to become a self-support point – wherein I accept and allow myself to compete with myself – in challenging myself to excel, and become more effective within the points that I am walking in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how comparison, and competition are in-fact lies, and illusions that are spread in this world as a virus by media, education, and parents – believing that it’s possible for two people to compare each-other – when obviously it’s not possible – and as such the entire starting point of education, and comparison – and competition in this world is flawed – and without reality-connection; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become influenced by, and take on this flawed definition, and idea of competition – and try to live it within myself, and my world – instead of seeing that it’s not reality-compatible – and that it will accordingly only create conflict within me and my life

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how jealousy, and competition are in-fact misunderstandings – as creations that have been developed from within a assumption that two points can be compared in this reality – while this is not so – as all points in this world, and reality have their own unique past’s, their own unique prerequisites – and as such the idea of competition, jealousy, and comparison – is a flawed idea that is not functional in reality – and based on reality

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into competition, jealousy, and comparison with others – and from this fuel anxiety, and fear within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand how competition, comparison, and jealousy are concepts that are flawed – and not aligned with reality – they are in-fact illusions and mental projections; as such I commit myself to change competition – and comparison – and create this to be a supportive point for myself – that I utilize within myself – towards myself – to perfect, and move myself to become more effective in regards to the skills, and applications that I’ve taken on to develop and create within and as this lifetime

When and as I see that I am reacting towards what I perceive to be another being more effective than me – and I in that go into anxiety, and jealousy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t compare myself with another – I can look at another for inspiration – but comparing myself is not viable – because it’s not real – because I am not another – and as such I can’t compare myself with another – though I am able to utilize what I see another do effectively within me – and develop this point in me – from a starting point of self-support, wherein I recognize that I am different than another – and that I can’t expect myself to be like another – and that I as such have to work with myself – here – as what is here as me currently; as such I commit myself to work with me – and to not work, and develop myself from a starting point of comparing myself with another – but instead work, and develop myself – within and as my living – from a starting point of me considering myself – and who I am within and as myself

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 20 May 2013, 20:57

Day 20: Test-anxiety – What If? (Part 10)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-20 ... f-part-10/

Now it’s about 15 days left to my exam, and usually I spend these days studying in a library, or at home – I try to do this as consistently as possible, and when I am doing this I exist within a fear that I will loose time – and this fear exists because of a “what if?” that comes up within me – and this “what if?” is – “what if I won’t learn, and remember enough?”

This fear have now come up within me because I am planning to during my study period go and visit my mother, and as such leave the comfort-zone of my libraries, and my apartment – and thus the fear came up as to “what if I won’t learn enough?”

Now – what I am able to see is that the “what if I don’t learn enough?” – it’s only a layer – it’s to top layer – and behind this fear there is the point of failing at the test – because that is obviously the outcome of not learning enough – and behind this point lies the fear of not getting a good job after I am done with my studies – or getting a job at all, and because of this getting stuck in the system in some average, and meaningless wage-slavery job; this is the origin of my fear – the fear of becoming a worthless person – or obviously – what I’ve been instructed, and taught to be a worthless person.

Within this I am able to see that I’ve for most of my life been very busy with trying to learn, and do new things – in order to not remain stuck, and become a lifeless nobody. And through-out my life I’ve had this feeling in me that there is something more meant for me – and that I will not only become a wage-slave – I won’t only spend my life in this city, or town – I will move myself, and I will become things – something extraordinary and special – and I am able to see that I am still holding unto this idea, and belief – and this is causing much anxiety, and conflict within me – that I feel pressured to reach, and uphold this ideal image of myself as to what I am to become in this life, and what I am not to become – and this is obviously not very cool at all – thus I will apply self-forgiveness, and place self-commitment statements on this point.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of myself that I am to become, and be something special in this life – that my life is to become unique, and that I am not to be like everyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear, and a anxiety of being average – of being normal – of being “like everyone else” – in thinking and believing that me being like everyone else will make me less than what others are – and that I will as such be a inferior human-being and not be able to enjoy myself – or do something worthwhile with myself

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety, and fear within myself through chasing after a ideal, a dream, and a idea – a belief that I am to be, and become something more – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – and to accept myself as already being something/someone – a body – a physical entity here – and that I do not need more than me being here with myself within and as the physical – and that really this idea I have in my head of me becoming something more – it isn’t real – it’s a illusion – it’s a idea that I’ve taken on from my parents and not something of substance and reality

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, and experience – and go into and as a fear, and anxiety when the time comes for my exams – because I fear not being the best – and being average – thinking that when I am average – that this means that I am nothing, and that I am useless – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how this is a belief that I’ve adopted from my parents – and that it’s in-fact not me – it’s not me thinking, and believing this – it’s me listening to my pre-programming and defining myself according to my pre-programming – instead of asking myself “who am I?” – “who is it that I want to be?” – “how is it that I want to experience myself here?”

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that every time that I’ve failed at a test, or a exam – or something of the like – I’ve felt like I’ve lost something – and I’ve been miserable – yet within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I haven’t actually, and for real – lost something – because I’ve remained here with my physical through out the entire experience – and as such the point of me loosing myself – it’s not real – the entire idea of feeling miserable because I’ve failed with a test is not real – but merely an idea, and a point of non-sensical pre-programming – that holds no relevance to and as reality

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how the idea of becoming something more, that idea of becoming special – and having something more in this life waiting for me out there – is in-fact a illusion – and only serves to keep me stuck in hope, and in waiting – wherein I wait for something to happen to me – to something to come to me – and for me life to begin – instead of me stopping waiting – stopping feeling like there is something more that’s going to happen to me in this life – and instead living that more in every moment of breath – through moving myself here with and as my human physical body – one breath at a time – here

6. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how the concept of being average, and being more – is in-fact products of competition, and comparison – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how these points can only exist as thoughts, as thinking – and that in this physical reality – all points are physically here – neither more than, or less than – but simply what the point is here as the physical; and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to align myself with and as that which is real as this physical existence as living within and as the physical in oneness and equality here

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I am feeling/thinking that I am to become something special, and more in this life – that my life is to become unique, and that I am not to be like everyone else – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I experience is not of reality – it’s a mind-delusion – a point that can only exist in my head – because in the physical – everything is HERE – there is nothing more, or less than – but instead every point is simply here as what it exists as in this moment; as such I commit myself to stop feeling that my life is to become anything – and instead live in every moment here – to my fullest and most complete presence in every moment – not taking anything for granted

2. When and as I see, and notice that I am chasing after an ideal, a dream, and a idea – a belief that I am to be, and become something more – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in this world – most people seek to become famous, and that this is what is perpetuated in media over-all – though – this doesn’t mean that fame is real – meaning – that fame makes someone more than another; as such I commit myself to stop searching to become more than another – because it’s not real – and I instead commit myself live in the simplicity of every moment – as the simplicity of one single breath – seeking nothing – needing nothing – being here

3. When and as I see, and notice that I go into fear, and anxiety of becoming, and being average – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – average, and more – less and more – that is consciousness illusions that are promoted in this world due to there being no understanding in humanity as to what is real – and what is life – and what is living; as such I commit myself to stand as the example of stopping this nonsense – and within this allowing myself to be comfortable with myself regardless of where, what, or who I am in this world – as such accepting MYSELF – and not trying to accept the image, and presentation of myself – because that isn’t real to begin with

4. When and as I experience fear, and anxiety towards failing at my exam – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this fear is not real – because I fear that I will loose myself when I fail the test – but – I won’t – nothing will happen to me at all if I fail the test – I will simply have failed the test and physically still be here; as such I commit myself to stop fearing points that pose no danger at all – and as such stop existing, and letting myself be ruled by irrational fear – and instead practice looking at things in common sense – and walking each point that emerge here within and as the silence of breath

5. When and as I see that I am striving for, hunting, and trying to become something more – and excel to be something better – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand – that excelling to become something more – that is not real – excelling from a starting point of me honing, and practicing a skill – a application – that is real – because – when I remain the same within me – that makes a point real – because then I am the directive principle – I am the decision maker – and I decide who I am – and I walk with and as the physical here – and not allowing myself to be ruled by a experience – experience are never real; as such I commit myself to walk with my physical – and to within this not define myself according to what I do in this life – but remain the same – as one breath – here

6. When and as I see, and notice that I am fearing to become average – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – being average, and being more – those are ideas based upon competition and comparison – and are as such not a product of natural physical movement – but are of the mind – as illusion – as mental reality projected unto the physical; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here – and to be with my body in oneness and equality – and to stop comparing me to another – and stop competing with another – and instead focus upon me – and who I am within and as myself

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 24 May 2013, 06:19

Day 22: Test-anxiety – Forgetfulness (Part 12)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-22 ... s-part-12/

One fear that I have in relation towards doing my exams – is that I will sit down behind my desk, be handed the exam, and then – in the same moment as I turn my exam paper around to look at the questions – completely blank and remember absolutely nothing – or – looking at the question – realize that I absolutely can’t in anyway know what the answer is.

I’ve actually through-out my studies faced these particular points – what’s interesting is that each time it’s happened – I’ve decided to “fuck it” and simply write an answer without worrying about whether it was wrong or right, and interestingly enough this has brought good marks. What does this then indicate?

It indicates that fear does not dictate who I am, and that the experience of being blank while seeing a question – isn’t real – because when I’ve prepared myself effectively the information is integrated, and automated as a part of my very flesh – which means that the information is simply here and that I don’t require to think, worry, fear, or experience anything in order to answer the question.

forgetfulness-800X800It’s funny to see that for each test that I’ve done so far in the university I’ve felt that I wasn’t going to make it – that I was going to get a shitty result, and that I was going to fail – yet – I’ve received top marks each time – this is showing me that what I feel can’t be trusted – what I think can’t be trusted – what I can trust is that there is a direct correlation between how much time, and effort I give to preparing for my exams, and the final outcome of the exam – thus when I’m doing to exam, or I’m about to do the exam, or I’ve done the exam – I can’t trust any thoughts coming up to me – analyzing my chances as to what grade I will receive – as these thoughts are simply not real – and they do not say anything about my actual application within doing the exam.

Fear can’t be trusted – and anxiety can’t be trusted – what can be trusted is the physical – placing time, and effort into preparation for my exam is a physical point and can as such be trusted as a indicator as to what the final outcome on my exams will be – also – fear when I see a question that I don’t know the answer to, and that I black-out seeing while doing my exam – isn’t real – and it doesn’t give me an indicator as to my ability to answer the question effectively – because for that is a physical movement point and not anything that have anything to do with my mind – or fear.

Self-forgiveness

1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, and anxiety that I will sit down by my exam – and then forget everything, and go into a blank – and not know what to write – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind – to trust fear – to trust the blankness that emerge within me – instead of me trusting myself – and instead me taking a breath in that moment and simply walking the test to my fullest, and utmost capacity

2. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in fearing something – I am creating that something – thus in fearing that I will fail – in fearing that I won’t know the answer – in fearing that I won’t be able to find out and walk my exam sufficiently – I am in-fact creating, and manifesting that very fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, and have a opposite idea within – thinking that fear protects me – and that fear will make me experience less failure – trusting that fear will make my life easier, and more safe – not realizing, seeing and understanding – that this is not the case

3. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear protects, and that fear makes me safe – and that fear makes me more comfortable – and that fear makes it easier for me to walk, and participate within and as my life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and to realize that fear sucks – meaning that fear sucks the life force out me – and makes me a zombie unable to direct myself and make a decision – simply because I am stuck in a state of mind as fear – a state my–inn – meaning – being stuck in my own mind in my own world and missing to live – and participate in this world here

4. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fear my god, in believing that if I make fear my god – then fear will protect me – and fear will make me be safe – and fear will make sure that my life becomes a success – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take a breath, and bring myself back here – and realize that fear hasn’t done anything for me in my life even though I’ve fully trusted and given my all to fear – fear has only served to limit me in my life – and to make life nothing but a failure, and a mistake – and a complete journey of failure

5. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the reason I’ve nearly not made some exams – has been because of fear – it’s not been because I’ve lacked the knowledge – it’s not been because I’ve been badly prepared – it’s been because I’ve went into a state of panic, and fear – and within this missed reading the question effectively – and as such not been in a relaxed, and comfortable state to be able to answer the questions effectively – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop trusting fear – and to instead live HERE with and as breath – without fear

Self-commitments

1. When and as I see that I go into a fear of forgetting everything when I am writing my exam, and going into a blank – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and within this I see, realize, and understand that I am in this moment giving my trust, and my life over to fear – instead of remaining cool – remaining breathing – remaining stable here; as such I commit myself to breath – and remain with and as my body in oneness and equality – and not go into panic – but to remain here with and as my human physical body in oneness and equality

2. When and as I see that I am going into fear, and I believe that I am protecting myself by going into fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I am not protecting myself by going into fear – I am in-fact merely creating that which I fear – which is obviously not what I want for myself and as such it’s stupid for me to rely upon fear – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to breath – and to not rely upon fear but to rely upon my human physical body – and walking HERE with and as every breath – with and as every moment of being here – making sure that I live fully and that I don’t hold myself back in fear

3. When and as I see that I am participating in fear and that I think that fear makes me better, more protected, more enhanced to live and take care of myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear – is limitation – fear is stupidity – fear is the inability to be here – stable – sound and directive within and as the moment – as such I commit myself to STOP being a slave to fear – and to stop trusting fear – and instead begin practicing to only ever trust myself here – within and as my human physical body

4. When and as I see that I am making fear my god – through making a decision upon the basis of fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in making a decision upon the basis of fear – I am limiting myself, I am limiting my life, I am limiting my living and my movement here – as such I commit myself to bring myself back into and as my human physical body and participate – and walk HERE within and as my human physical body

5. When and as I give fear attention – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in giving fear attention – I am giving fear power – and I am removing power from myself as the living principle and direction here – as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical – and to align myself with and as real power – as physical self-movement, and direction – and within this delete fear from my life in all ways – and walk fully the understanding that life can only exist where there is no more fear

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 25 May 2013, 06:08

Day 23: A Hero, and a Savior
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-23 ... -a-savior/

During the last couple of days some points have opened up – and these points are specifically in relation to a particular savior/hero-character that I’ve developed.

For example – this character will come up while I am in a discussion with someone, about something – and then the other person will mention something that I consider to not be very self-honest – for example they might conclude that they are going to do something in the future that I find to be very risky and dangerous. As this happens I will then enter my savior/hero-character – which in essence mean that I will try to show another “the right way” – and make sure that I help another to not walk the wrong path.

As I do this I will not be clear, or stable – but I will experience a slight unease in my solar-plexus – and if the other person disagrees with me as to what I suggest – I tend to go into a state of competition, or fighting – where I will now try to prove to the other person that my suggestions are the correct suggestions, and that the other person should listen to me because that’d be best for that person – in my mind that is.

It’s interesting that I have this obsession with what other persons are doing, and that I am not instead paying attention to my life – and what I am doing. Because that should be my main priority – making it certain that I am stable, that I make effective decisions, and that I know what I am doing – so this point of focusing upon what others are doing – and trying to save, and be a hero to others – it’s really a point of me hiding from myself – so as to not see where in my life I require to be a hero, and savior for myself – and also a way for me to feel good about myself – because when I’ve “helped” another – I tend to feel good about myself, and think that I’ve done a good deed.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of superiority, as a state of thinking that I know more, and that I am more effective than another – and that I as such require to help another, and put another on the right path – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into and as the pattern, and state of being as the missionary – wherein I am on my mission to convince others that I am right – and that I know the best – within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am trying to convince others – and have others agree with me – because I’ve not yet effectively stabilized myself in my relationship to me – and feel that I require another to agree with me – before I am able to trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, and experience that I can’t trust myself – and that I can’t know that what I see, and what I understand is real – if others don’t see things the same way as me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time trying to convince others – and have others see things the same way as I see things – instead of focusing upon myself – and looking at what problems I’ve within me – and why it is that I do not trust myself – why is it that I feel I must convince others, and make others think the same as me – before I am able to stand stable, certain, and assertive within a particular realization that I’ve had?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for recognition in others – through presenting myself as “the wise man” – wherein I’ll try to give others advice, and save others from the perils that I perceive they are going to walk through in their life – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with what others are doing – what others experience – instead of me looking at what particular reactions this brings up within me – and seeing that my so called “assistance and support” is really something that is driven from an experience within me – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t been self-honest with me – in recognizing when it is that I have an experience within – and when it is that I am speaking from such an experience – to as such allow me to become more specific and directive in relation to the mind – and not allow myself to in anyway be enslaved – controlled, or directed by and through the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give others advice in order to feel superior and more than within me – and within this I forgive myself that haven’t realized that I must only feel more than, and pump myself up – when I’ve defined myself as less than – and as apparently not having – not being equal to others, but instead less than others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold unto a definition, and idea of myself as being less than others – as thinking that my life have been such a failure, and such a mistake – that I as such in order to pump myself up to equality with others – that I require to become this wise man, that give lot’s of very wise suggestions – and that others respect because of the suggestions that I give; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself – take a breath – and realize that I don’t require to have an energy of superiority within me to be equal with others – and that I don’t require to make amends for my mistakes, and failures in the past through becoming a wise-character – but that I can forgive myself – and start a new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not start a new in my life – and to within this accept and allow myself to be born again – and as such in every moment as I participate with people do so here without any pre-conceived ideas as to who I am – as to what I should say – as to who I should be – to as such accept and allow myself to discover myself as self-expression here – as being real – not planned, and not moved by and through any secret agenda of the mind as trying to feel more than – or trying to avoid feeling less than – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath – bring myself back here – and push myself to live and exist in every moment as a new born – with a clean slate – letting go of the past moment – and getting into this moment as a breath – as a physical presence movement here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I require to become more than what I’ve been in my past – because apparently I’ve been such a looser in my past that I now require to move myself, and push myself to become something more – and to show others that I’ve become something more through speaking words, and sharing points – hoping that others are going to react, and within this recognize me as having changed – and as having become more – so that I will be able to feel good about myself, and feel as if my life have purpose – and that I’ve done something good with myself – instead of accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I am able to forgive myself – that I am able to let go of the past, to let go of experience – to let go of feeling like a failure – and accordingly not have to be anyone, or say anything – to have another see me as a success – because I let go of that whole point in all it’s facets and allow myself to be re-born in every moment of breath

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am going into a state, and character of the wise man, the hero, or savior character – wherein I will give advice, and speak wise things to help another avoid a point – or learn something – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this character is not me – it’s simply me trying to be something that I am not thinking that who I am naturally here is apparently not enough – not effective enough – and that I require to be more – I realize that this is not true and that it’s simply an idea that I’ve created over time; as such I commit myself to bring myself back here to the physical – and to live myself as my own individual and unique self-expression here – where I don’t try to be more, or less than me – but I take a breath – and I accept and allow myself to be me

When and as I see that I am limiting myself, through thinking that my past is a failure, and that I in order to fix this failure require to become something more in my life – and that I require to show to others that I’ve managed to become and create myself as something more – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I don’t require to become more – I don’t require to show to others that I’ve changed, or that I know have another understanding, or definition of life, and living as what I had in the past – as such I commit myself to stop searching for understanding from others, and to stop searching for being recognized by others – and I instead accept and allow myself to focus upon myself, and to recognize myself, my understandings, and my comprehension of this world – and to accept and allow myself to let go of any feeling, and idea that my life to this point have been a failure

When and as I see that I am speaking to others – giving advice, or trying to show others a point – from a starting point of reaction as experiencing a slight anxiety in my chest – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this anxiety shows to me that I am not yet ready so to speak – to direct another being – and that I am not yet ready to speak about this particular topic – because the anxiety indicates that I don’t have a clue as to what it is that I am saying, and that I am not stable in relation to the other person, and that what I am saying have a secret agenda – because I am not clear, stable – and directive here; as such I commit myself to before I speak with another – to make sure I am not in anyway reacting within myself – and if I notice that I do react – to then not speak, and not go into the point of trying to assist, and support another – but first, and foremost clarify the point for myself – and assist and support myself to remove, and take away the anxiety, or fear, or uncertainty that I experience

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 27 May 2013, 06:50

Day 24: Test-anxiety – Self-Punishment (Part 13)
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/05/day-24 ... t-part-13/

How do I get things done when I study? How do I get myself to sit down to study? Well – mostly I will experience a sense of anxiety, and nervousness – and I will then start to talk in my head about what is bad about me if I do not sit down and study – and as such I will generate a form of conflict within me, and then from within that move myself to actually go and study – thus what I am doing is that I am moving myself through self-punishment, and through the utilization of fear.

This is how governments motivate, and move their people – they utilize the fear of eventual punishment – which could be fear of lacking money, or fear of going to prison – and then these produce movement in society to get particular points sorted out and dealt with.

But isn’t there another way? How come I require fear to move myself? What I’ve realized is that fear is a substitute for principled living. In principled living one do not need fear – because one UNDERSTAND and COMPREHEND what it is one is doing, and why – as such – taking this back to myself – I would not require fear to go and do my studies because I’d be clear on why I do them, and also be clear on the fact that I don’t require fear to move myself to go and do my studies, because it’s simply a decision that I make in a moment here.

Thus – fear is the lazy man’s alternative to developing the ability to live by and as principles, and a understanding – as such I will deal with and correct this particular point and change my way of moving myself to study from fear to being a principle – meaning – that I understand why I study, I know what the consequences will be if I don’t – and then I move myself to produce a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need fear in order to motivate, and move myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of fear – in fear that I won’t anymore move, or direct myself – but that I will come to a stand still in my world and that nothing will happen anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is good for me – and that fear helps me to take care of myself in my world, and make my life easier, and more comfortable – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust fear more than myself – and to believe that fear is something I need in order to function, and know how to deal with, and how to walk, and behave in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself to move myself – and to fear letting go of this self-punishment character – in fear that I won’t do anything if I let go of this point – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself – and to not realize that I am able to move, and direct myself in this world – and do so by and through principled living – do so by clear understanding – and within this I won’t need any fear, or anxiety – I won’t need any form of experience – because I simply see what is required to be done and then I move and direct myself to get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am better when I punish myself – that I move myself more effectively, and that I get more things done – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of self-punishment – and believe that in letting go of self-punishment I am going to loose some very important part of myself that is required for me to be able to function in this world effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become used to, and accept myself giving me direction – and guiding myself in this world by the use of fear, anxiety – and inferiority – as threats that I direct towards myself to get myself going – and within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to develop self-movement, and self-discipline – seeing that I don’t require fear, or punishment to move myself – it’s simply a decision as to who I am – and then a doing – as moving myself in the direction where I see that I have to go – and it’s as simple as that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself that I would take care of myself, and that I would take care of my life – if I’d fully, and completely let go of all fear – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must have fear in order to feel any sense of responsibility and commitment towards my life – thinking that with no fear I will just give up upon everything and remove myself from my life – and go and sleep all day long because I simply don’t care – instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that I don’t require fear to care – and to love – and to be passionate about my day to day living within and as this world

When and as I see that I am using fear, and self-punishment to move myself to get things done – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t require self-punishment to get things done – I don’t require fear to get things done – I require me deciding and living my decision here; as such I commit myself to develop myself as principled living – living by understanding, and decisions that I make and not by fear, and self-punishment

I commit myself to stop trusting fear – to stop giving attention to fear – to stop believing that fear will care for me – that fear will protect me – and that fear is a necessary part of my life; and I instead commit myself to birth myself here and stop fear – and instead make decisions, and move myself by and through understanding, and living principled here

I commit myself to stop distrusting myself, to stop believing that I am not able to live without fear – and that I would without fear simply give up upon my life – and all my responsibilities – and within this I commit myself to understand that I am able to decide and will myself to live – what I require, and see that is best for me to live and participate within – thus fear is completely not needed

When and as I see that I am using fear to get me to go and study, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – fear is limitation – fear is stupidity – and fear is simply not reasonable in anyway – it’s simply a paranoia – something that isn’t meant to exist in this world what so ever – as such I commit myself to move myself to do my studies by and through a decision – as in understanding the outflows of my decisions – and then moving myself to produce the outflow that I want to have in my world – and that I see is best for all


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