Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 15 Jul 2013, 19:08

Day 46: Grades, and Marks
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-46 ... and-marks/

Today I’ve had many various reactive experiences – though I will zone in on one in particular and give my attention to this point. And – the point I will be writing about today will be – grades, and marks.

Some time ago I received my marks for the latest term I’ve gone through at the university – and they were not top-marks; now – within this I didn’t have a major reaction – or I mean – this I what I’d like to think to myself; that I “handled it” and I was “cool” with it – but really the thoughts, and experiences that come up within me tell another story.

So, what kind of inner backchat is it that has been arising within me? We’ll – I’ve had these small subtle moments, wherein I will look at the marks I received during this semester – and within that I will make a quick, and hasty judgment of myself – very subtly; and then after I’ve made this judgment I will think to myself: “next semester I am going to what is required! I am going to get top-marks next semester!” – and then after that I will sort of go through in my mind the various steps I will require to take in order to really push myself to get top marks, and then also go through some fears, and anxieties as to problems that might occur that will not allow me to get top-marks.

It’s fascinating – that I actually care this much about marks, and that it will possess me to such an extent that I will miss the physical breath that is here in-front of me – thus – I want to get to a point where this type of thoughts, and considerations do not exist within me; I mean – I am clearly able to see that this particular backchat-pattern stems from disappointment, and a experience that I’ve “failed” – and that my solution-thinking is a way which I combat this initial experience of feeling like a failure, and that I’ve not done enough to get my top-marks.

Another interesting aspect is how I will within me my mind sort of have a big audience that looks at me – and this mental audience consists of various people in my world – for example classmates; and then I will in my mind hold my achievements, and results before this mental audience – and observe their reactions – for example – in relation to my classmates that exist in my mental audience – I will hold up my results that were not top-mark – and then within that see them think/observe my results and comment that I should’ve gotten better results, because I studied so much – I mean now my studies where all in vain.

So, it’s really fascinating that I’ve this inner jury that I show my results in life too – I show them my plans, my decisions, my experiences, and then I let this jury decide whether it’s good or bad, right or wrong, correct, or incorrect. Obviously this jury is in actuality ME – as my own self-judgments that I’ve projected unto others – and wherein I’ve tried to live up to what I’ve thought to be “others expectations” – but in reality they are my expectations – and it shows me that I am not allowing myself to accept myself – and respect myself.

I am currently listening to the series about Judgment that can be found in the Eqafe-store – and I see that this point I am walking through now is relevant to what they say in that series; because really what I am doing in critically evaluating myself like this – is that I am in-fact bullying, and harassing myself; sort of standing inside me with a whip, and a carrot – saying – “go there and you’ll get a carrot” – or – “bad, bad!! Now I must whip you for your naughtiness” – so it’s interesting.

What’s more about this is that I’ve in-fact internalized the critique I perceived that I was receiving from my parents as I grew up; back then I felt that I was being criticized – but nowadays I don’t have any parents around anymore, and I am doing this towards myself; really shows that it was me all along that was hard on myself, and criticized myself – and that’s never been about my parents, but about who I am within me.

I can see that this point of self-criticism is prevalent in many areas of my life – process being one of them; because a tendency that I have is that I want to move fast, I want to move really fast – I mean get through point, by point – and clear it all up; and when I do have reactions – I judge myself – saying “I should have this reaction – now I must apply self-forgiveness!” – and then I move myself to correct the point from a starting point of self-judgment – and wanting the point to “get away” – instead of moving myself from a starting point of me exploring myself, and being grateful that I have the opportunity to re-create myself in all areas of my world – and that the mind is nothing bad, or wrong – it’s merely a misaligned system that requires labor to be directed into what is best for all.

Thus – one of the points I see will assist me to let go of this self-criticism is that I allow myself to not take myself so seriously, and also allow myself to make mistakes, and be cool with it – and let the points I walk take time – and also – not have any expectations of what results I achieve – but instead walk for the sake of walking – enjoying the process, and not wanting to get to the end immediately. I mean – that’s interesting because it’s similar to how I’ve realized I behave in sex – I mean – often I will want to go to the orgasm, and the sexual epitome immediately – and I don’t want to go through the physical and practical process that is required for me to get there; and so this also reveals another point that will assist, and support me to let go of self-criticism – and that is to be patient with myself – and to understand that comparison is not real – because I am an individual with a background that is unique – thus how can I possibly compare myself to another when no two person’s have the same life-baggage? It’s impossible and really an illusion – it’s not real – only a distraction, and a justification for me to continue to judge myself.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself, and criticize myself when I don’t achieve the results that I’ve expected, and desired, and hoped for – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hopes, expectations, wants and desires for a particular outcome – instead of accepting and allowing myself to walk breath by breath – and not create a mental future in my mind that I think I must achieve in order for me to be satisfied with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-criticism to motivate myself to change, and to better myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead motivate myself to change, and be better – and become more effective – through me enjoying to expand myself, and enjoying to challenge myself – and enjoying to grow, and to become more – I mean – it’s not bad, or wrong, or worthy of criticism to fail, or not make it – it’s simply what it is – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging myself and instead focus upon living, and enjoying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, and define life as being a struggle, and a hardship – instead of realizing that it’s me that is actively making life to be a struggle, and a hardship – because I am constantly being hard on myself, and I am constantly judging myself – and I am not allowing myself to give myself some room, some space to actually fail, and to not be successful – but I am having this relentless view of myself that I must be successful, and I must make it – whatever I do – and that not doing this is the greatest, and most shameful thing that can exist – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be gentle with myself, and not be patient with myself – and to allow myself to walk points that open in my reality slowly, specifically, and without hasting, and without creating expectations, and desires as to what results I should achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, and believe that living without a drive to achieve results is a waste of time, and will make me ineffective – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the results more than process of achieving results – not understanding that I mean – the process will be equal and one to the results achieved – and thus if I walk my process in such a way that I do not cater for myself – give myself space, room, and nourishment to grow – I mean – then my results will be limited, and I will have chased the results – but they will be inferior as to what they could’ve been if I walked slowly, meticulously – and taking me time – being patient, being gentle – and moving slowly forward without feeling that it must go faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I mean – my life could be so much more enjoyable, and expansive – and more like a adventure that I go into and allow myself to explore and enjoy – if I let go of self-criticism – and self-judgment; because in releasing myself from these points of limitation – I will be able to venture into any project, or any point that emerge – and simply experience, and walk through the point physically – enjoying the actual act, and movement of walking the point – and not being in my mind – worrying, fearing, and experiencing anxiety as to what results I am going to achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I criticize myself, and when I am being hard on myself – that I have more effective results, that I am more effective in life, and living – and that I am able to produce a better outcome for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that criticism, and judgment is always detrimental – as it tears on my very beingness – and slowly but surely breaks me down; I mean that is what happens in abusive relationships – the one person breaks the other person down physically and mentally – and what’s left is a broken human-being that is not able to move; as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the same principle applies within me – that if I constantly criticize myself, and I am hard on myself – then I will break myself down – and I will be less likely to dare to walk projects, and points – because I will create this belief within me that “I am not good enough anyway”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support, and assist myself – and be encouraging towards myself – I mean – such a simple point as encouraging myself instead of judging myself would change a lot – so for example – when I do fail, or miss a goal that I’ve set for myself – instead of criticizing myself – I could simply encourage myself with these practical points that I see I am living, and walking – for example see the cool points that I did actually walk in attempting to manifest a success; for example I was disciplined, and I was diligent, and I really was committed to the point – and within that also encourage myself to change, and become even more effective – and such stop breaking myself down within me – and instead focus upon building myself up – supporting myself, strengthening myself – and using my mistake to make myself even better, and more effective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by breaking myself down I become stronger – instead of realizing, and understanding that this is not true – I mean – by breaking myself down I am in-fact breaking – and that is not becoming stronger – the same principle applies to physical points – I mean if I break my computer it won’t become stronger it will become less functional – the same goes with me; as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to focus upon being a support for myself, being a helping hand for myself – being a real buddy for myself – and allowing myself to eradicate criticism from within me – so that I will never again criticize and be hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate, and define gentleness as a weakness – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being gentle with myself – in fear that if I allow myself to be gentle with myself then I will not survive in this world, and I will not be able to walk point in my life, and my reality – I will not able to be disciplined and get things done – because I apparently I need to punish myself, and judge myself, and criticize myself to get things done – and so I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this is simply not true – I mean it’s common sense that discipline doesn’t require the threat of punishment – instead discipline can be walked from a starting point of commitment, from a starting point of doing what is best for self, and all – thus giving to self, and being grateful for being able to give this point to self – and as such not using anymore judgment, self-punishment, and mental bullying to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being gentle with myself, and to believe that I don’t know how to be gentle with myself – and I don’t know how to take it easy with myself – and I don’t know how to be a buddy for myself – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I do not know this – because I’ve not ever allowed myself to define gentleness, and live gentleness for and as myself – but here I am able to see that the application of gentleness is a actual physical – practical application – of allowing myself to slow down, and to be considerate in each moment – to not want to jump ahead, or speed up – but to be a slow-moving being – that is patient – wherein there is no stress, and no attempt to reach greater heights – but instead a slow but certain movement in each moment – that I am here – and I move, and direct myself – in the pace and movement of breath

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into speedy-living – wherein I want to achieve results, and I want to get THERE – and I want to make it NOW, and be DONE – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in living this speedy-living – I am compromising my presence, and stability here – and I am not allowing myself to actually live, to experience life – and so-called: smell the roses; as such I commit myself to slow down – to breath – and to live each moment to the fullest – and to not spend my time wanting, and desiring to “reach there” – and “make that” and “complete that” – I mean – that’s not living – that’s searching for life instead of being life; as such I commit myself to be life instead of searching for life

When and as I see that I am moving myself, and applying myself through motivating myself utilizing fear, and self-punishment – and thinking that I must become more – because apparently I am currently lacking; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – living from that starting point makes life a struggle, and a pain in the ass – because nothing is ever enjoyable by itself – as it must always become something, lead to something for it to be of worth – instead of allowing the moment in itself, the process of walking in itself – to be worth – to be valuable – to be enjoyable – to be life and living; as such I commit myself to enjoy the process of walking a point – and to allow myself to be motivated by enjoying to expand myself, I mean seeing that it’s natural and common sense to challenge myself – and to go beyond my limitations – and that it’s nothing that must be done from fear – or lack – but instead something that I naturally do breath by breath – expanding myself here

When and as I see that I want to haste, and speed things up – because I feel that this is the only way to achieve results – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that really – slowing down is the key to being effective – really it’s common sense – because in being slow – I am able to see reality – and be aware of what is here – while in being a fast-mover – I don’t see anything at all – it’s same principle of speed that applies to physical reality as well – for example – when driving a car at a high speed I can’t see the detail of my surroundings – but when I walk the same path – I can see everything clearly, and be able to look at details – and even stop and go down on my knees to investigate some point; as such I commit myself to slow down – and to be content with being a slow being – I mean really – slowness have been so underestimated in this world – because apparently being fast means that you can experience a lot of life – instead of understanding that life is what is here in every moment – and not something that you’re able to run towards, and sort of achieve as some sort of race that you’ve won

When and as I see that I am not giving myself space, room, and time – in essence being patient with myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that to be effective I must give myself nourishment – and I must treat myself as a plant – and a plant requires nutrition – and so do I – as such nutrition would be to live my life in a balanced way – to be slow with me, and my application – to stop trying to reach over there and instead live here – seeing that there is really no there – but that the only point that is actually real is here; as such I commit myself to treat myself like a plant – and ask myself – how can I support myself to grow? How can I support myself to stabilize myself? How can I support myself to evolve, and develop myself? And as such I commit myself to become like a gardener for myself that garden life

When and as I see that I am not allowing myself to be HERE with the point that I am walking, but that I want to finish – I want to get it done – I want to move to the next point, and be “productive” and “fast” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this fast-paced living is what makes me miss life – and miss myself – because I am not allowing myself to be HERE with me – understanding that there is nothing better, or more, greater, than me here; as such I commit myself to slow down – and to walk a point until the point is done – and clear – and I mean then walk to the next point – using breath as the motivation for me to move forward

When and as I see that I am going into self-criticism, and being hard on myself – because I think that “It’s good for me” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that breaking something down is never good – I mean I wouldn’t break down my bicycle, or destroy my clothes – thinking that they would become more durable, and effective by me doing that – it’s simply insane; as such I commit myself to be careful with myself, to be gentle with myself – and to care for myself

When and as I see that I focus on the negative in relation to a particular point that I am walking – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in focusing on the negative – I mean – that’s what I am creating – and when I don’t allow myself to see the entire picture, and understand that “hey! There is actually some cool points here!” – then I create the experience within me of feeling like a failure – even though that’s not at all true – because I mean there were points that were cool – so as such I commit myself to focus upon supporting myself – looking at where I am effective and making myself even more effective on those points – and then not overwhelming myself by looking “everything that’s negative” – but instead being patient with myself in realizing that perfection is a skill that isn’t magically created – but that is earned through labor – and that labor will take time and will only be able to be done when I support, and encourage myself instead of breaking myself down

When and as I think that I become stronger when I break myself down, and I feel kind of cool within me – like all manly – because I am criticizing something of myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this idea is absurd – it’s based upon this belief that “what doesn’t kill makes you stronger” – I mean that’s an idiotic presumption – and I mean there are tons of proof in this world that shows that this isn’t the case – and it’s so easy to prove this to oneself; as such I commit myself to realize and understand that breaking down doesn’t make me stronger – it makes me broken – as such I commit myself to instead build myself, to instead work on myself – and construct on myself – and treat myself with care, and gentleness – because that’s how real development is facilitated

When and as I see that I don’t know how to live gentleness, and how to be caring, and considerate with myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean living gentleness is simple – it’s me being physically gentle – and how is that done? I mean – just like I experience a wind sweeping over my cheek – that I can physically experience is gentle – it’s soft, and it’s really comfortable – that’s how I must move, and direct myself within myself – I mean being that gentleness in my breath, in my physical movements, in my living – practicing to slow down and to feel and really be here with the moment – and to not expect there to be more, or to get somewhere else – but to really be HERE and take in the moment that is here; as such I commit myself to live gentleness as a slow and comfortable breath – and a slow, patient, and diligent movement – that isn’t forced – that isn’t strenuous – but that is certain – and effective



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viktor
Posts: 1340
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 20:50

Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 16 Jul 2013, 19:54

Day 47: Dealing with Headache
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-47 ... -headache/

Today I got a headache – not a severe one – but it hurts enough to bother me; so I am going to look at why this headache came up – because for you that aren’t familiar with the Desteni material: the reason for headaches is participation the mind, and it’s usually due to participation in thoughts, and backchat that have repeated during the week – so one have to look back during the week to see what thoughts have mulled around in the head.

Now, I am quite clear about what caused this head-ache because it came up in an instant, and very specifically in relation to a thought that came up in that moment – and this point is in relation to success, and wanting to develop self – the paranoia of self-development. And now – this is not a supportive self-development that I am talking about – it’s an obsession with self-development that I’ve undertaken because I want to feel smart, and appear knowledgeable – which is interestingly enough more a point of devolution rather than evolution.

So – before the head-ache began I was occupying myself with studying, and reading up on some subjects that I’ve decided to get to know better; obviously – this is a cool point because the knowledge is practical, and will assist me in my daily living – though – what I’ve done that is not effective, and practical – is that I’ve created a ego-point around this self-education point.

I will as such when I learn new stuff go into a state of excitement, and indulge in grandiose pictures of myself in my mind – and I will feel energetically high – like I am riding the waves – empowering myself, and becoming better; feeling like I am able to take on the world. So – this is the ego-part of learning new things, which is also obstructing me from in-fact learning new things – because I tend to want to learn “more” and go “faster” – and be more time-efficient, which results in me not giving the point that I am walking appropriate time, and attention – and then I won’t actually understand what I am learning – so I am becoming negligent to the process of actually learning – because: I want to reach the end, and get results, and get over there! I mean – it’s interesting – I mentioned this point in my blog yesterday as well – this point of wanting to reach for the stars, but not wanting to go through the actual process of building that rocket-ship, and organizing the entire trip – to then after having walked the necessary labor actually go out and travel to the stars – it’s this McDonalds type behavior – that I want things fast, and I want them now!

Thus – I will be careless with my education process, because I want to become more educated, and I want to feel smart, and intelligent – and be better than others – so the point in essence stems from a inferiority, which I am trying to escape through competition – wherein I am using knowledge as a way to boost my ego and feel less inferior; while obviously – this is not a solution because it will not remove my experience of inferiority – it will only increase my inferiority, because I will further polarize the point into a positive, and negative state – instead of immediately correcting the point of inferiority, and within this allow myself to be satisfied with myself.

I mean – because this is also a huge part as to why I go into this striving-character of as fast as possible “trying to get there” – it’s because I don’t allow myself to be satisfied with myself; I mean – sure – it’s also important not to be over-satisfied with self, which in essence is a form of slothfulness, and indolence – where I am “satisfied with myself even though I don’t do anything; that point isn’t valid either. Though the opposite point of all the time striving, stressing, pressing, forcing – this is not valid either – and obviously – the reason for both these points being invalid is that they are based on a state of energy – and a state of energy is always more, or less than pure physical self-expression here – while pure physical self-expression on the other hand is in complete equilibrium with this moment here – wherein there is a natural, slow, consistent, and determined development process that occurs – wherein I am moving, and directing myself – yet doing this breath-by-breath – like a snail that slowly but with certainty moves, and walks a certain path – until the destination is reached – and even though it looks like it’s going slow – it doesn’t matter – because the snail will eventually reach his goal.

So, what I am seeing as a solution to end this strife-character, and this energetic state of competition – is to align myself with the movement of breath, and be gentle with myself – now – being gentle with myself is as I explained in yesterday’s blog – a point of moving myself gracefully, and softly in every moment – wherein I am not in a state of rush, or energy of trying to get as much as possible done, as fast as possible – but that I am moving consistently with the breath here – one breath at a time.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of superiority, and feeling more than, and better than – and imagining myself in all types of magnificent positions in the world – of being seen, and being famous – doing this because I experience myself as inferior, and being dissatisfied with myself – feeling that I have to strife, and do more, and become more, for me to be satisfied with myself; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of being rushed, and a state “trying to do as much as possible in the shortest time-frame possible” – instead of accepting and allowing myself to move on breath per breath basis – allowing myself to move in equality and oneness with my human physical body – not trying to do more, and not trying do less – but instead simply living here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I require to impress upon others that I have particular knowledge, and compete with others to gain some sort of recognition, and value in this world-system – for me to stop this inferiority; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that I don’t have become “more than” to stop my experience of being “less than” – because I mean – both these points are invalid – and the solution is instead to STOP creation – to stop creating myself through and as energy – and instead deciding to create myself as the living movement of breath in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create myself as the slowness, gentleness, meticulousness, and specificity, and consistency of breath – I mean breath is really this amazing point – that goes out, and in – all day long – consistent with the same movement – and the body will naturally align the breathing pattern to what physical points must be directed – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to align with this point of breathing – and allow myself to be consistent, stable, and simple – in focusing on the simple movement of myself as simply being here – and walking the point that is HERE without no ego, or mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn self-education into a point of ego – wherein I feel, and experience that I become “more than” and “better than” when I learn new things, and when I acquire new information – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-education – and think that knowledge and information is more than me, and adds to me more value than what I currently have – instead of accepting and allowing myself to purify my starting point for self-education – in understanding that knowledge and information can be used to enhance my life-experience, and effectiveness in this world, and reality – but it doesn’t change WHO I AM – as I remain the same – a physical breath movement here – that is not defined by this world; that is in this world – but not off this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education doesn’t make me who I am – it’s instead a point that I am able to enhance my effectiveness in this life – and to make informed, and effective decisions that have an outflow as what is best for all – but it doesn’t make me more, or less – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop this point of excitement, and feeling superior, and energetically evolving – when and as I am studying – in realizing knowledge, and information is merely a practical point of knowledge and information – and it’s nothing that is more than, or less than – and I mean – learning new things is physically equal to anything else in my world that is physical – such as for example going out and taking a walk – and as such it simply doesn’t make any sense to exalt education to some form of god status in my world; but instead use education as self-support for me to become effective in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exalt educated persons in my mind – in thinking that persons that hold much knowledge of the world, and that are for example professors, or other type of academics, are more than “normal people” more than “working class people” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within me, want and desire to reach, and attain a status within me of being able to see, and define myself as being educated – and knowledgeable – and wise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to accumulate as much knowledge as I can possibly do in this life – to as such feel, and experience myself as being superior, and more-than; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify knowledge, to glorify so-called intelligence, to glorify so-called wisdom – instead of understanding that looking at the world – there are many of these people that are intelligent, and knowledgeable in the world – yet nothing has changed; I mean why is this? It’s simple – it’s because knowledge, and information is useless without practical application – and I mean – the point of the practical application that is the point of the principle – the “who I am” – and this is the point that is of primary importance as it determines my very daily-living – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand – that even though I accumulate all knowledge in the world – it will be useless unless I sort out my relationship with myself – and allow myself align myself with the physical – and practice living what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify knowledge, and information – because my parents did that – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply copy my parents, and also begin to glorify information, and knowledge, instead of questioning the point – and asking myself – but hey – is this point really so fucking awesome? I mean – what is it with knowledge, and information really that makes it so important, and cool? And within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that knowledge, and information without a effective living-principle – is useless – because it will be used to further self-interest, and further separation, division, and meaningless suffering – and hierarchical abuse – and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that simplicity is the point that is worthy of real respect, and glory – the simplicity of living breath – of living care – of living respect – of living consideration – of living what is best for all; that is what have been missed in humanity – where simplicity have been interpreted as a weakness – while simplicity is really the key to creating a better world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify wisdom, as knowledge – instead of understanding that wisdom, and knowledge is really but arrogance, and presumption hidden in beautiful words, and complex sentences – to make it appear as if there is an advanced intelligence behind the words – while really there is nothing of substance at all – and I mean – there is nothing of the strength that is hidden in the so very simple points of nature – such for example a cat, or a dog – that are so simple – yet still hold more substance, and value – and worth – than what any wise man, or knowledgeable human-being have been able to muster – simply because of one thing; that the animals are REAL – they live, and express themselves with and as the physical – within and as PRACTICALITY – and that is what is missed when knowledge is glorified – that this world is practical and only practical physical self-movement is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify, and embellish philosophers, and people that think a lot – and that have many opinions about many different things – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dedicate my life to become one of these “smart persons” – instead of asking myself – but hey – what is really the value of this? I mean – me seemingly being smart – as having a particular vocabulary and being able to express this with confidence – is that really of any substance at all? And I mean – obviously – no – it’s not of any substance – because substance is not trying to impress others, or competing with others – it’s instead daring to live without self-interest – without a hidden agenda – and live practically what is best for all; which would in relation to self-education – be to focus one’s self-education to learn about points for a practical reason – so that one could then use the information to practically enhance one’s living expression in day-to-day living

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I go into a character of strife, of trying to “get results” and do as much as possible in the shortest time-frame possible – to apparently “be effective with my time” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this idea of time-effectiveness that I’ve created in my mind – is completely delusional – as it’s based upon the idea that the results are separate from the process of achieving and walking these results – thinking that I mean – to compromise the process and being negligent in my process of walking the point of learning, or establishing something – apparently won’t have any effect on the results; instead of understanding that the final outcome is always equal and one to the process walked to establish the point – and if the process isn’t walked in specificity and detail – then the results will not be effective; as such I commit myself to practice living patience, being composed, and steady in my application – moving consistently one foot in-front of the other – and not trying to make a “giant leap for mankind” so to speak

When and as I try to gain a energetic state of superiority to end my experience of inferiority – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point – as the idea that apparently I can end my negative experiences through imposing unto myself positive experiences – it’s not real; it’s merely a McDonalds solution – wanting to be fine, and cool with myself – without actually doing the labor of looking into how I’ve specifically created myself – and how I am able to re-create myself as what is best for all; as such I commit myself to dare to go into the nitty-gritty of my negative states – and understand the dealing with the problem at it’s core – is the only solution

When and as I see that I go out of the state of natural breathing, and being aligned with and as my breath – in that I go into a state of trying to be more than breath, and more than this moment here – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – being more than here is an illusion – and implies that I go into my mind – which really means that I become less; because I will go into my mind and live in a illusion which is by design inferior to the physical as reality; as such I commit myself to see that living HERE in every moment – and walking this breath here fully – that is enough – that is sufficient – and that is really the epitome of living – because it’s being real – and there is no point in this existence that is more than this point of HERE

When and as I see that I define myself as being “educated” and I create an energetic state within me of feeling that I am more than, and better than – advanced, and evolved; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point of thinking that I am more than because I’ve read something, or integrated some knowledge – I mean – it’s not real – it’s a fake experience – and the proof that it’s fake – is that it’s not a practical and factual point that I can observe and use practically in my world to support me – it’s a mental divergent from physical actual reality; as such I commit myself to study as a practical point – understanding that knowledge, and information doesn’t define me – as I am in this world – but not off this world

When and as I see that I am exalting the process of integrating new information, as studying, and as being educated to some type of godhood within me – thinking that it’s the “ultimate point” – and that I am really “becoming more” when I educate myself; I immediately stop myself – I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this point of thinking that information is making me better, making me higher – I mean – it’s a illusion – and the proof is existent in this world – a world that is obsessed with creating, and learning information – yet has this produced a better world? No – merely more effective way’s for human-beings to kill, and lie to one another – that is not real evolution; as such I commit myself to understand that information is useless unless it’s used – practically used – to benefit everyone – as what is best for all

When and as I see that I am exalting academic persons in my mind, thinking that they are special, and above “normal” people – or “working class” people – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that society would not function without the carpenter, or the garbage-man, or the locomotive driver – I mean academics serve their purpose but it’s not more important than a practical point in this reality; as such I commit myself to stop exalting academica to some type of godhood in my mind – and I commit myself to see that academic knowledge is just that – academic knowledge

When and as I see that I am glorifying knowledge, and apparently “smart people” – thinking that these kind of people are so cool, and impressive – and that I want to become just like them – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean knowledge is useless without practical application – knowledge for the sake of knowledge is only unnecessary and obviously only the ego can benefit from such a point – as the desire to seem to be more than another; as such I commit myself to accumulate knowledge that is practically relevant to my life – and the creation of world that is best for all – and just accumulate knowledge for the sake of knowledge

When and as I see that I am glorifying, and seeking to appear complex, and intelligent, and deep, and profound, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that everything is in reverse – thus it’s not complexity, or profoundness that is the solution – it’s simplicity and changing the very ordinary, and normal points of living life to become life-supportive – I mean – this is what has been missed in humanity as a whole – we all want to become super-heroes, and save the day – and kill the evil genius with one heroic blow – not realizing that the super-hero point is not taking into consideration that life is about simple daily acts – a day to day living where there is no big events – and that big events is created through the accumulation of smaller events as small daily actions; and as such I commit myself to focus upon correcting my living simplicity – and my ordinariness – to as such understand that real change doesn’t happen super-hero style – but happens instead slowly, but surely – in applying oneself in the simplicity of supporting oneself in every breath to remain clear – stable, and effective

When and as I see that I glorify complexity, knowledge, information, and philosophy – and regard this as more than simplicity; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that simplicity is the key to changing this world and reality – because in simplicity one is able to remain here as breath – and act within and as the moment – as simply seeing what is here and then making a decision, and walking that decision; I mean that is simple – instead of being complex – wherein one get’s stuck in thinking about a point – considering all kinds of made up mental rules, and regulations – looking at what is best, and what isn’t – instead of simply seeing, and acting; as such I commit myself to practice simplicity – which is to practice living here as breath directly – and not allow a mental wall to exist between me and reality

When and as I see that I am accumulating information to become, and feel more than – better than – and like I have a higher value than others; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that information in itself is useless – and to sit and gather information merely for the sake of having lot’s of information one is able to repeat – I mean that is both ludicrous, and also useless – and a waste of time; as such I commit myself to make sure that I accumulate knowledge from a starting of supporting in my practical day-to-day living – and not to create a feeling, and experience within me of being more than



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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 17 Jul 2013, 21:32

Day 48: The Honest Person Is The Stupid Person
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-48 ... id-person/

Today I had quite a big reaction that came up when I was having a discussion with a customer in the taxi – and it was interesting because the way that this reaction came up reveals to me that I still desire to be understood, and I still desire to be honest so to speak.

Because – the discussion I had with the customer was a about life-choices, and I shared with the customer that I’d decided to study law because I saw that this was much more effective for me in order to make sure that I have an income in the future – and that if I instead would’ve choose the direction of my education with my heart, as what I want to do, I would’ve studied some creative subject – such as music, or arts.

In this discussion the customer now suggested to me that I should use me law-education to go into the direction of arts, and when this suggestion was given – I said that I’d given up upon my dreams – and this particular statement I made was as a form of reaction because I didn’t want to present myself as if I agreed with the customers suggestion that I should go into art. So, I mean – it was fascinating because I felt compelled to share with the customer the specific direction of my studies, and why I’d chosen to study what I studied, and why it was that I wouldn’t go into the direction of art with my law-degree.

Obviously – I could’ve made this statement to the customer without reacting, so it’s not really what I said that is important – what’s instead important is who I was within what I said; and the who I was in that moment – was that I felt simply compelled to state “my view” of the point – to make sure that I am understood, and that my “honest truth” is being shared – so in a way – I saw myself as being dependent upon the customer to validate me, and my specific direction in life – and unless I got this validation from the customer then somehow my chosen direction was flawed; so in essence – I came from a starting point of competition, and wanting to convince the customer that my way of looking at things was valid, and without flaws.

This point goes hand in hand with the statement – to be in this world, but not of this world – and what I mean by this is that; I mean – I should be able to speak casually, and use any words required in a moment without the words that I am using defines who I am; which means that when I stand clear on this point – I will be able to say to the customer that “I will do what you said, and align my direction in studies to support art” – without this in anyway creating a reaction, or experience within me – because I mean – I know who I am – I know where I am going – and the words I speak do not change who I am.

To perfect this point of being able to use words freely without any form of fake honesty coming in the way I see as being very important in order to be effective in the system – because so much of how the current system functions demands from human beings to not show their “real self” but to instead present a fake version of themselves – and this is obviously to make money, and survive in the system.

So, what I am able to see is that this particular point came up because I’ve defined the points honesty, and integrity in separation from myself – wherein I want to convince others that I have integrity, and that I have honesty – instead of me living these words as myself without being dependent upon any form of external stimuli.

And I am able to see – that throughout my life – I’ve many times compromised myself because I’ve wanted to be honest, and have integrity – and be upright with people in my world – while this approach was simply not effective because I didn’t consider that – I mean – sometimes it’s not effective to be honest, and to open yourself up to another – as to what your real intentions are – because the system, and the people within the system are simply not designed in such a way to support such a point. For example – when being caught by the police due to having committed some type of crime – I mean – obvious common sense is to deny that you did commit the crime, because unless you do, you’ll be completely compromised and thrown into a jail – which is obviously not a effective point, and it’s not a point that takes into account why you committed the crime to begin with; because – hey – maybe you were broke and you decided to steal in order to support your family – and you did it as a self-honest act – to then go into jail would mean that you can’t support your family anymore, and the system doesn’t in anyway consider your starting point as to why you decided to steal but simply instead punish you – and that is why – to be honest, and have integrity – as being a form of “stand-up” guy is really not effective.

Though – this is not to say that this point of honesty, and integrity can, and should be applied in relationships where there is effective consideration, and where being honest does not have severe and compromising consequences.

Anyway – the point I will work with here today is “defining myself according to my words” – and the need to present myself honestly to my world, and be a good human being that is open, and vulnerable – with no secrets – because standing as such a character is a point of limitation – it’s a point wherein you systematize your living expression, and instead of considering common sense – you go by a dogmatic belief; and as we all know – dogmatic beliefs do not mix well with actual physical reality – they are bound to clash, and when they do – consequences will be the price we pay.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to present myself honestly, and openly to my world – and to make sure that I always speak the truth, and that I always say exactly what my intentions are, and who I am within a particular moment – thinking that it’s “bad”, and it’s “wrong” to not be open – and to not be honest; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my reality, my life, through wanting to present myself as being honest – to have a good feeling about myself, and to in my mind be able to think about myself that “I am really a good person, I am really honest!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the words I speak, and to limit myself within the words that I speak – and have these ideas that I can’t speak certain words because those words are not “who I am” – and thus I can’t speak them because that would then mean that I am presenting a lie; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not about what I say, or what I do, but that it’s about WHO I AM – thus the key is to be stable in every moment, and direct myself within common sense practicality – thus the important point is to stand stable – and have that stability be the WHO I AM – and then use words to effectively move, and direct my world, and reality in such a way that it supports what is best for all – and that it supports an outcome that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the words I speak through thinking that the words I speak, and how I share myself in a moment – must always be “honest” and must always be revealing exactly who I am in a moment – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is in-fact a form of self-interest – wherein I allow my desire to present myself as being honest, and have integrity – to go before directing my practical reality in such a way that is best for all; I mean – when I want, and desire a particular outcome in a moment – that is when I compromise what is best for all – and any form of rule, as a dogmatic idea of how I must be – is something that will result in me compromising what is best for all for me to fulfill me delusional idea, and experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to be a “good” and “honest” person – and think and believe that when I do not speak the “truth” so to speak – that I am a evil, and bad person – and that it’s simply bad to not speak the truth at all times; instead of realizing, and understanding that the principle of what is best for all have no morality – have no rules; the principle of what is best for all is a PRINCIPLE – which means that there is nothing forbidden, and nothing wrong – because the primary as to all actions, and movements are to have one and the same principle – as what is best for all – and when that point is here and it’s for example required to act in a way that is seen by society as immoral – then acting in a immoral way is what is best for all and thus the movement that I should do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that walking the principle of what is best for all doesn’t mean that I am by the definitions of our current world system – a “moral” and “good” human being – I mean – let’s face – the definitions of our current system are completely in reverse, and completely twisted around – wherein a charity that supports the enslavement of human beings through not empowering people but only helping them to survive is seen as good – when a criminal that commits a theft to support his family, and to have food – is seen as bad – I mean – thus I realize that I can’t rely upon the definitions, and ideas of good, and bad that was handed down to me by my parents – but that I instead must investigate the actual common sense of each – and determine the morality of a point in relation to what outcome that point have – as whether it’s best for all or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that even though I am completely honest in this world, and I am completely open, and vulnerable – and make sure that each word I speak is the complete truth – I mean – will this change anything? I mean – no – it will not – simply because the system isn’t designed to support honesty, and instead honesty is effectively clobbered through a completely dysfunctional law-system – and a dysfunctional value system wherein people are punished for the “bad” things they do – instead of the point being understood, and the so to speak “bad” human being supported, and assisted to correct his living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about making an act when I work – and speaking words, and behaving in such a way that I please the customer – and that I do my work effectively – in thinking that – when I put on act, and I go into a specifically designed character as the “taxi-driver” – that I am then compromising myself; instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the words I speak – and the way I move, and direct myself doesn’t define who I am – I mean I am able to stand in any point in the system, and walk that particular manifested vocabulary without the point in anyway defining or changing who I am – and thus – when I drive my taxi – I am simply able to go into this character that I’ve designed – as a specific work-character that please customers, and that is pleasant, and comfortable to be around – because that is what a customer in a taxi wants to have – and I am able to walk this character without it in anyway compromising me – because I understand what I am doing – and I am stable within me direction, and as such I don’t need anyone to think that I am honest, or that I have integrity – because I know that I am self-honest, and that I self-integrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to others that I am honest, and that I have integrity – and to want and desire that people when they meet are to think of me, and see me as being a “good” human being – a truthful human being – someone they can trust, and feel close with; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise common sense, and to compromise my effective self-movement in a moment – through wanting and desiring to have others see me in a particular; instead of understanding that – I mean – to really be effective in this world I must be free from all morality – because only then am I able to move myself in the moment and be completely free to direct myself in such a way that I create the best outcome possible – because if I want to present myself as being good, and honest – then suddenly there are these rules which I must follow and this will lead to me compromising common sense – and instead trying to fulfill an idea, and a experience that have no bearing on actual life, and living what-so-ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be validated, and confirmed by others – and to feel that it’s my very innermost core that is being attacked, and placed at risk – if I was to agree with something in words, that I don’t actually agree with, or see is common sense – I mean – instead of realizing that – I am able to speak words that are not aligned with my actual truth so to speak – and that doing this is nothing bad but it’s all about the context, the why, the how, and WHO I AM within the point that determine whether the point is in-fact self-honest; so if I for example agree with the customer only to have the conversation be more smooth and effective – and I do this because it will make the customer happy – I mean – then it’s cool – because I’ve actually walked the point from a starting point of self-honesty – wherein I didn’t speak from a reaction – but I considered the context of where I am – and spoke in such a way to support myself in a way that is best for all

Now – obviously – as I said in the beginning – I am also able to in these moments to simply say that “I don’t agree” or “no” – and that the primary point of importance is to make sure that I am stable when I speak – and that I don’t seek to be recognized, confirmed, and validated in what I say, or speak – but that I simply speak here as myself without any desire for a particular outcome; thus enabling myself to use words in such a way that I support a outcome of a moment that is best for all – and also being able to if I see that it’s effective – simply share my point of view – but not doing this from a starting point of wanting to convince, or prove myself right – but simply sharing myself – in oneness and equality HERE.

Self-commitments

When and as I feel that I must be honest, and speak the truth – because if I don’t I will apparently be a “bad” human being – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – living the principle of what best for all implies that there are no rules – but that one do, and speak what is effective and what produce a result that is best for all – and that one do not hold unto any idea of “who self is” – but that one simply speak, and share, and move self within and as common sense – without any morality, or idea of what it implies to be “good” holding oneself back

When and as I see that I am limiting myself in how I am speaking, in thinking that “I am Viktor, and Viktor speaks in a particular way” – I immediately stop myself – I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not limited by the words I speak – that I am not defined by the words that I speak – but that I am able to direct myself to speak what-ever words will produce the most effective results in the moment as what is best for all; as such I commit myself to make myself free to play with, and use words as a way to move myself effectively in my day-to-day living – without any constraints, or dogmatic regulations

When and as I see that I think that I must be “honest” and that it’s immoral, and bad, and wrong to be not be “honest” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that being honest in this current world-system is in-fact self-dishonesty – because it implies that self compromise self world, and living – in order to live a particular concept that apparently makes one be a “good person”; as such I commit myself to let go of any morality – and to live on a moment to moment basis – with no rules – and only by the principle of what is best for all – seeing that to in-fact implement and create what is best for all – honesty is limiting

When and as I see that I want to say something to another to show them who I am, to convince them, and to sort of “make my stand” in a moment – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to convince anyone – and in-fact the point I speak will not be more, or less only because I convince somebody to agree with me – I mean – it’s obvious that the only that really matters is that I have a clear understanding within me; as such I commit myself to speak HERE without desiring an outcome – and to stand stable, and clear within my words one and equal – and not try to convince another

When and as I see that I am glorifying honesty, and integrity – as people that dare to say the truth even though it will have massive consequences – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back – and I see, realize, and understand that this type of self-sacrificing behavior is in-fact ego – as it’s wanting to appear noble, and caring – it’s wanting to feel good about what self have done – not considering the actual physical practical implications but only a feeling, and experience – and a dream of what it means to be honest, and have integrity; as such I commit myself to end all romantic views of honesty, and integrity and instead work with this practical physical reality – work with real practical equations – 1 + 1 = 2 – simplicity – and not go by any form of airy moral ideas

When and as I see that I want to be honest with another, so that this other person can like me, appreciate me, and feel close to me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that being honest from this starting point is complete self-abuse; I mean – wanting someone to like me without a practical reason for such a want is irrational and indicate lack of self-love, and self-respect – I mean – there is obviously no need for me to have another to like me merely because it makes me feel good, this feeling is irrelevant and merely a outflow of a psychological disease such as lack of self-love; as such I commit myself to stop tormenting myself to appear appeasing to others – and instead focus upon living self-honesty here in every moment of breath

When and as I feel that I must fight another, and prove my point, and express myself to make my stand clear – because I feel that else my very beingness will become compromised; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how this is a ridiculous idea – and that I mean – I don’t have to fight to protect myself because I am here – there is no word that can destroy my innermost being and existence – I mean only I can do that; as such I commit myself to stop fighting for my survival and instead realize that I can’t be harmed – and that what’s important is that I focus upon making each and every moment – a moment of self-expression – of presence here



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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 19 Jul 2013, 22:38

Day 49: Feeling Attacked, Compromised, and Belittled
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-49 ... belittled/

So – what an intense day! Driving a taxi means that I meet lot’s of people on a daily-basis – and this is a perfect spot to find out where it is that I am still reacting – because sometimes certain types of characters will enter my taxi, and I will experience a direct resistance, and dislike towards them – and obviously this means that there is something to investigate – I mean – it’s obvious common sense that the dislike, and resistance I experience is not about the other person in-fact, but it’s about me – as MY REACTION towards the other person.

Thus – today I met a person that I had one of these instant reactions of dislike, and resistance towards – and this blog will be dedicated to the point of bringing this particular reaction back to myself and investigating – what the hell is going on with me around this person.

So – the first time I met this character I experienced this person as being rude, critical, inconsiderate, and mean – and in went into a state of inferiority, and nervousness to make a fault – in fear of being criticized, and attacked by this others person; so in essence I went into a state of bully-protection mode – wherein I perceived this other person as being a bully that is out to get me, and that is able to get me – and accordingly I must defend myself!

Another interesting aspect is that I can see that I blamed this person for causing this reaction within me – thinking that “this person is so rude, and mean – she doesn’t realize how sensitive I am!” – “She doesn’t understand how easy I can break – just one word that is placed wrongly and I will go into a complete reaction!” – so I was blaming this other person and that naturally made it even hard for me to stabilize myself as I went into the state of inferiority, and wanting to secure all my bases – making sure that I don’t commit a single mistake.

So, as I was driving – I spoke with this person – now – at one point I asked the person to clarify a point – this was met with a reaction wherein I was called stupid, and dumb – towards this I immediately reacted and went into a form of shock – a form of taken-aback shock wherein my heart started to beat faster, and my mouth starting to produce saliva – and within this I started to become worried that the person will notice my reaction – see this as a weakness and make even more aggressive attacks.

What happened after I’d left the customer was that I went into my mind and started back chatting about this woman was really “bad” – and that she probably had lot’s of self-criticism, and now she was taking this out on me! And then within that feeling victimized, and abused – because I as a taxi-driver couldn’t “stand up” to the customer and demand that I didn’t want to be treated in that way – because as a taxi-driver – I have to be pleasurable, and welcoming towards my customer – I simply can’t become angry.

So, this is interesting because it shows me how I want to “fight back” – which implies that I think, and regard myself as being attacked – while the truth is that I AM NOT BEING attacked – it’s just specific words that are mentioned, in specific tonalities, accompanied with specific bodily movements – and this I then interpret within my mind as an attack – I mean it’s simply not a attack it’s instead a interpretation.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally and believe that another is attacking me when specific words such as idiot, stupid, worthless, and dumb are used – together with a loud and piercing tonality – that sound “accusing” in a way; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this picture, and sound-environment that I experienced in that moment wasn’t about me – I mean it wasn’t personal in anyway but merely a particular symbolic message in the moment that another portrayed and that I interpreted and internalized within me – thinking that “it’s about me” and that “I am being attacked” instead of understanding that this is not the case

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately as someone speaks the words dumb, idiot, stupid, and worthless around me – to go into and as a state of fear, and hypersensitivity – wherein I am hyper-aware of my environment from a starting point of trying to localize and prevent and form of threat – threat here meaning that someone would call me dumb, idiot, stupid, or worthless; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when someone use these words around me – and to go into and as a state of “defending myself” – and thinking that I am being attacked and as such I must “attack back”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a state of protection – as a state of hypersensitivity, and hyper-awareness – wherein my body is completely stiff, my heart begins to beat faster, and my mouth produce more saliva – in essence placing myself into a “fight-or-flight” mode – wherein I ready myself either evade an attack, or attack myself; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in actual physical reality – there is nothing happening – I mean my survival isn’t threatened – only the mind-idea of myself is threatened – something that isn’t real; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not in the moment when this point occurs – to state within me that what others say do not define me – I am here – I define, and decide who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am being compromised, and belittled when and as another speak the words idiot, dumb, stupid, and worthless in my vicinity with a tonality that is loud, piercing, and direct; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s words personally – to take the tonality another use to express themselves personally – to believe that what another say, and how they say it is about me – and that it’s robbing me of my honor, and pride; instead of realizing, and understanding that this is not real – I mean what is happening in the physical is that some words are uttered – and when these words are uttered no emotional experience is created in the physical – instead simply words are being spoken; which shows that my experience of the point is the mind – and is in-fact a illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another, and think that it’s another’s fault when I react to specific words in fear, anxiety, and inferiority – thinking that – “they should be more careful about the words they speak, because they don’t know how I am going to react” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself – and to want to be a victim – to want to be dominated, and controlled by another – because then I don’t have to take responsibility for my reactions, and I am simply able to blame another and say that it’s their fault – and that I have nothing to do with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a victim state towards another, as a state of active blame – wherein I think that I’ve been unjustly treated, and dishonorably treated – and that I because of this deserve to attack, deserve to defend myself, and deserve to isolate myself within and as a emotional experience of feeling less than – inferior – belittled – unjustly harmed, and accused; and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this approach is not a solution – in-fact it merely adds to the point of reaction even more – because through blaming another I fuel my initial reaction; as such I realize that the solution is self-responsibility – and stopping my reaction, and seeing that it’s me that creates the reaction and nobody else but me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within me justify me reaction of self-victimization, and feeling hurt – through looking at another, and thinking that “they are evil” – “they are bad!” – thinking that “they must be bad else I wouldn’t experience myself like this” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I mean – this point is only a justification to hide from the fact that – only I exist within me – thus only me is responsible for what occurs, and happens within me – I mean – it doesn’t matter how much I try to twist the point, and avoid the truth – because it’s undeniable that I am responsible for what exists, and goes on within me and nobody else but me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that another is a “evil old lady, and that it can be seen in her eyes that she wants to do bad unto me” – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how this is yet again a excuse, and a justification – wherein I am trying to not see who is the actual creator within me – and avoid understanding, and facing the truth within me – which is that I am responsible – and that if I want to change the experience of me – then I must do this through actual practical labor – and that nobody else can give this to me but me; as such I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to practice standing effective – self-motivated – and untouchable in every moment of breath in the full understanding that what-ever goes on and opens up within me – is me and nobody else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize the age, and looks of another as trigger points – to which I am able to think that “this person is ugly and there wants to do me bad!” – instead of realizing, seeing, and understanding that regardless of the looks, and appearance of another – I am responsible for what goes on within me – I mean – I can’t escape this fact regardless of how much would want to do – because the truth of the matter is that I am the creator within me – thus I create myself to feel belittled, hurt, and provoked – and that nobody else but me is responsible for stopping and ending this experience within me

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am taking it personally, and that I am emotionally reacting when another speaks words such as idiot, stupid, dumb, and worthless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that another is speaking the words – yes – but this has no direct connection to what I experience within me – it’s like there is actual rope or something attached to the words another speak that goes into me and activates a emotional experience; no – this is because it’s me that is the creator of what goes on within me; as such I commit myself to breath – and state that I am not defined, controlled, or created by the behavior or words of another – I decide, define, and create myself in oneness and equality with and as my human physical body here as breath

When and as I see that I am going into a state of physical pressure, and hypersensitivity, and hyperawareness as to what goes on within me from a starting point of fear; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – what another says or does is something that do not effect me as to my beingness experience of myself – I mean – as such – I am creating myself which makes it completely stupid that I would defend myself, or attack; as such I commit myself to stop involving others in what I experience within me – and instead focus my attention on breath – and breathing through the experience I have come up within me

When and as I feel that I am being compromised, and attacked, when someone speak the words idiot, dumb, stupid, and worthless in my vicinity with a sharp, direct, loud, and forceful tonality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am not really being attacked, or compromised – I mean – what’s happening in reality is that someone is speaking particular words in a particular tonality close to me – it’s got nothing to do with what I experience; as such I commit myself to align myself with this understanding through breathing deeply – and relaxing my human physical body – understanding that I am not being threatened – I am here – and everything is cool

When and as I see that I am going into blame, and resentfulness towards another – because I feel, and experience that they are making me feel dumb, compromised, and have a experience of inferiority – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s useless to blame another because I’ve created what I experience within me – and it’s my paranoia, it’s my inflated self-interest that I experience as energy – and it’s no one else’s responsibility but my own to stop this experience – direct this experience – and bring myself back here to physical reality; as such I commit myself to breath and bring myself back into my physical body – and interact, communicate, and move myself here without resentment, or blame – understanding that I am the creator and that I am responsible

When and as I see that I am thinking that I deserve to isolate myself into a experience of victimization as inferiority, and feeling belittled – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean it’s completely unnecessary to go into this state of being – and that I am really punishing no one but myself – I am my own greatest enemy; as such I commit myself to change this relationship and make myself my biggest asset – through supporting myself in the moment to breath through the experience of inferiority, and feeling belittled – and bring myself back here to physical equality and oneness with and as my human physical body – here – and move, and direct myself without being influenced or controlled by and through energy

When and as I see that I am justifying my reaction of self-victimization, feeling belittled, and feeling hurt – through thinking that it must be another’s fault because apparently they are bad, and evil, and untrustworthy – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that focusing upon what another is doing, or isn’t doing is a diversion tactics – wherein I try to divert myself from the point that requires direction – which is me – SELF – through looking at my idea of what, or who another is; as such I commit myself to BREATH – and to focus upon myself – and more specifically focus upon stabilizing myself and bringing myself back to breath and physical self-movement in the stability of and as breath

When and as I see that I am focusing upon another as to what they are doing, or not doing – thinking that they “look evil, and thus must be causing this point within me!” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that any experience that I have is always my own point to deal with and thus it’s easy to see that any form of focus that I place outside of myself is diversion tactics – where I in essence divert myself from real change – through trying to find out what I think another is doing wrong; as such I commit myself to align my focus to myself – to focus upon me HERE – each breath being the focus point of every moment – as such stopping myself from looking outside of myself and instead placing my attention, and seeing – HERE

When and as I see that I am using the age, and the looks of another – as reasons to why apparently they are to blame – and they are at fault – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that blame in any form is always self-limitation – because the effect of blame is that I will not deal with the real issues which is me – and my relationship with myself; as such I commit myself to stop looking at others, to stop thinking about others – and to understand that the real issue that needs sorting out is ME, and my relationship with myself



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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 21 Jul 2013, 22:12

Day 50: Limiting Stability With Money
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-50 ... ith-money/

An interesting reaction came up today – and yet again it was triggered in the taxi. So, what I was driving a customer – and she asked me what I studied; I said that I studied law. She then exclaimed that “those who study law does not get any jobs!” – and she continued to explain how a relative of hers had difficulty getting a job with her law-degree. In this moment I had a fear shock go up through my body – like a electrical circuit running up through my body and charging up very fast – bam!

After this happened – I noticed how my thoughts started to go into the direction of “securing survival” – and my thoughts started taking the shape of future plans – what I was going to do, how I was going to change my direction in my studies, how I could prepare myself for the worst – what might happen when I am done with my degree; so this was interesting.

In essence – what I am able to see is that fear of survival activated and charged up through my body. What does then show me? Well it shows me how I’ve suppressed this point of fear through aligning myself with a feeling of comfort that I get through thinking that through my degree I will be able to secure a job; and when that dream/idea was ripped away from under my feet – suddenly the fear came rushing back.

Thus – it’s interesting to see that I’ve not in-fact dealt with my fear of survival – but I’ve instead suppressed it through creating beautiful dreams, and fantasies about my future – and how my future is going to be positive, comfortable, and enjoyable – because I have access to money!

This is not real stability – it’s fictional stability dependent upon money – and it’s obviously not effective to accept and allow one’s stability in oneself to be dependent upon such a unstable, and unpredictable point – I mean – I want me as stability to stand regardless of my finances, regardless of my living environment – accepting and allowing NO FEAR within me what so ever – because my stability is not defined in relation to survival – my stability is me within oneness and equality – as a living word.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as stability through being dependent upon money, and finances, and wealth to feel stable; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I require and need to survive to be stable, and define stability as my ability to survive in this world; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place stability within me as a living word – wherein my stability as myself is not dependent upon external stimuli – but that I stand stable as a living statement of myself in every moment of breath – untouchable – and unmovable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that money gives me stability, and money gives me security – and money gives me safety – instead of accepting and allowing myself to create these points within me as living words – creating security to be self-security – creating safety to be self-comfortableness – and aligning myself with these words in such a way that I am able to live them as a statement in a breath – here – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon money to be stable, to be self-confident, to be assertive, and to be effective in my day to day living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a feeling of security within me in relation to dreams of me completing my studies and getting a job in order to suppress within me fear of survival – and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, and understand that feelings of security and safety are obviously not real – I mean the nature of this existence is unpredictability – thus it’s really not possible to in-fact be safe, and secure in the meaning that one have a stable future; because things can change in one moment; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to hide from the real nature of this reality through inflating hopes, and dreams of where my education is going to lead me – instead of dealing with, and working with reality as what is actually here in-fact – which is a reality that can’t be trusted because it’s completely unpredictable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is in essence fear of loosing control – and that I’ve tried to suppress this fear of loosing control through creating these illusory experiences of feeling safe, and secure – instead of realizing, and understanding it’s not possible to have full control in this world and reality – as such I mean any form of experience that is saying otherwise is a illusion; within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself dare to let go of my fear of loosing control – and as such align myself with living in every moment of breath – in every moment being HERE ready to die and give up all of my possessions and my accumulated life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival exists only when I do not live in-fact – because if I would live in fact there would be no fear of survival because my entire existence and focus would be HERE on the point of in-fact living – and not separated into such unnecessary and unpractical experiences as fear of survival; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not align myself with living in-fact – to live in each moment of breath in understanding that this world is in it’s very nature unpredictable – and that real living, and real life – and real experiencing – can only happen and be actual reality HERE in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not dare to stand in the face of uncertainty, and to dare to let go of control completely – in understanding that the perfection of self-trust – is to be able to stand in every moment stable regardless of the environment – regardless of the situation – and that one in every moment of breath is fully HERE – fully directive – fully participating without separating one’s awareness and presence into experiences of fear, anxiety – and desire to have control

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I limit myself as stability, through thinking and believing that I must have money to be stable – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that I create myself as stability – thus I decide what stability is and this is not up to money to decide; as such I commit myself to live stability in such a way that it’s not dependent upon any form of external stimulation such as money

When and as I see that I think, and believe that I am dependent upon money to direct myself, to be assertive, and effective within my life – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that even if I’d like for money to be a god in my world – this is not so – because in the end – I am for all practical purposes god in my own world; which means in the end I decide how to experience myself – I decide who I am; as such I commit myself to live directness, and assertiveness as a unconditional self-expression as a living word that is not based upon any form of external stimuli

When and as I see that I am using dreams, hopes, and desires in order to construct a feeling of safety within me too suppress and hide from fear of loosing control, as fear of survival; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – this reality is unpredictable thus there is in-fact no real safety or security – I mean – these points are merely mirages and can only be achieved to a certain extent – but the real point of this world is uncertainty; as such I commit myself to face the uncertainty of this world – and stop fearing the uncertainty of this world – but instead push myself to live for real in every moment – here – because that is a point I have full control, and responsibility over – WHO I AM – in this moment of breath

When and as I see that I am suppressing fear of survival through making up various dreams – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear of survival indicates that I am not yet fully living – because if I was fully living I wouldn’t fear – I would instead LIVE; as such I commit myself simply understand that fear of survival is a indication that I do not yet live; as such I commit myself to push myself to live – living in every moment to the fullest without any regret

When and as I see that I focus upon fear of survival instead of living – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I require to shift my awareness from fear of survival – to living fully and wholly in every moment of breath; thus I commit myself to through breathing and bringing myself back to the physical – change my awareness to be life awareness – instead of fear awareness

When and as I see that I am limiting myself through thinking, and believing that I must have some form of exterior certainty – to not be afraid, to not doubt, to not worry; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in-fact all I require is to be HERE in this moment – and that really the feeling of need in relation to certainty is because I’ve not allowed myself to be certain within my application – that I am here – that I stand – that I move and that there exists no separation within me; as such I commit myself to align myself here and live as ONE and EQUAL – to as such not make myself dependent upon another in anyway what so ever



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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 23 Jul 2013, 07:43

Day 51: How I’d Like To Be Assisted
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-51 ... -assisted/

Today I am going to look closer at the point of how I’d like to be assisted, and this is so I can more effectively specify the assistance and support that I give to others, so that it’s effective, and in-fact supportive.

So, how is it that I’d like to be assisted?

help-desk-servicesWhat I can see is that I’d like to be assisted without it being about right or wrong – meaning – that I don’t want any form of judgment involved when I am assisted; I would like the other person to clearly, and effectively show me the point – and within this also share with me what it is that I am not applying effectively – and that this is done without any form of energy – and without any judgment of right and wrong.

Another thing that I’d like another to do is to be stable, and calm – and speak with a stable tone of voice – meaning that the other person do not react. I mean – I know from my own experience in life that when someone tries to “assist” me to change through being angry, or resentful – that only cause me to go into resistance, and fear – and then I am not able to actually hear what the other person is telling me because I am too busy surviving; so this is something that I must take into consideration – to not speak, and “assist” from a starting point of reaction – I mean really that is one of the primary points.

I would also like the other person to stand in my shoes so to speak, meaning that he, or she consider where I am within my process, or in relation to the point I am walking; so that the other person do not try to assist me to learn, and comprehend things that are far beyond my ability. I mean – I would like to be assisted, and supported at the level where I am at – because that would obviously be the most beneficial for me; then I would be able to relate to, and apply the information in my world.

So, I like when another “understands” me so to speak – and that the other person do not “assist” me from a starting point of expectation as “you should be able to do this by now!” – but that the other person is instead standing with me, seeing who I am within the point without any reaction – and assisting, and supporting me with gentleness, and stability to move forward on the point.

Another point that I see is important is that if another assists me, I want it to empower me – and not merely help me. I don’t want to become a charity-victim, but instead I want to be given the actual skills, know-how, and expertise to be able to empower myself to deal with my issues myself; thus – I don’t want a guru to follow around to show me how to be “right” – I want to be assisted to deal with points on my own – and thus become self-empowered.

I also want to have breathing-space – meaning that – I don’t want to be assisted and support all the time – I mean – once and a while it’s cool – but then I need sometime to melt the information, and to try it out in my own world – and walk the point; and when I am assisted all the time, constantly, I never get this breathing space to be here with me and walk the suggestions, and the support given to me in my own life.

Thus – this is how I’d like to be assisted – and accordingly this is how I will practice, and in time perfect as my application of how I assist others – oneness and equality in practical application; give as you’d like to receive.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I assist, and support another – do so from the perspective of giving as I’d like to receive – and thus ask myself how it is that I’d myself like to be assisted, and supported – and within this align to support others in such a way that is effective, and have a outflow that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not when I speak, and share myself with others from a starting point of assisting and supporting them – to do so within considering where the other being is in their process, and considering how I am able to speak, and place my words in such a way that will be supportive, and assisting for the other being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to be specific with my words, and my behavior when I assist, and support another – and to set myself up in such a way in word, and behavior – that I make it easy, and effective for the other being to take in the information I am sharing, to understand the information, and then to apply the information in his/her world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I assist, and support others – be hard, and ruthless – and not consider another as I’d myself like to be considered – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply gentleness, and stability when I assist, and support another – and be patient with another, and not react even though the other “doesn’t get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire when I assist, and support another – that they are too immediately understand and apply the point I am explaining – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become restless, and frustrated when the other person “doesn’t seem to get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire others to feel assisted, and supported when I speak with them – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not instead focus upon actual assistance and support, that is not a feeling, or experience, but that is a actual physical action – as giving to another as I’d like to receive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as a weakness to consider another, and think that it’s more effective to be brutal, and ruthless – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply the principle of give as you’d like to receive; because within doing this it’s obvious that it’s not the most effective to be brutal, and ruthless – but instead being gentle, patient, and forthcoming is effective – and that is what I’d want from another

Self-commitments

When and as I am assisting and supporting another, and I see that I am doing this automatically, and without tuning my behavior in such a way that makes for a supportive outcome in the moment; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that – it’s obviously important to consider others – because unless I do I won’t be able to share my realizations with anyone – because I will not in-fact stand one and equal and be able to talk, and share myself with another directly; as such I commit myself walk the point of give as I’d like to receive when it is that I assist and support another

When and as I am speaking with another, and I see that I am speaking from a starting of “I am sharing myself so you better listen” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is not a supportive starting point to use when assisting and supporting another, because one only considers self, and not where the other being is; as such I commit myself to see, and consider the other being – and place my words in such a way that I actually support self-realization, and self-empowerment, and that I don’t have a self-interested agenda that “this is how I speak”

When and as I am assisting, and supporting another – and I notice I am not specific in my words, and behavior – and that I am instead only “going for it” without actually being stable, and clear upon what I am doing; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that importance of being specific in my words, in my behavior, in my use of tonality, in my use of facial expressions – I mean everything has an impact on the other being – and as such it’s important to align these aspects to what it is that I am doing – which is assisting and supporting another; as such I commit myself to be aware of how I impact another with my behavior, words, tonalities – and to align my expression in such a way that I support other being to become self-empowered, and self-realized

When and as I see that I am reacting to another because they don’t “get it” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I mean – I see that it’s completely unnecessary to react to this point, because it’s not like someone doesn’t understand me deliberately, and that it will help for me to become impatient, and angry – I mean because the other being will still not understand – maybe even understand even less because now I am not clear in my expression and not able to convey the point anymore; as such I commit myself to be patient, stable, and calm when I explain points – and to not react when another doesn’t understand – but simply align my words, and my expression in such a way that I support self-empowerment, and self-realization

When and as I react in anger, and frustration, feeling, and experiencing that another should immediately understand what I am saying, and being applying the information – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here; and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – obviously everyone learns at different paces and me becoming angry, or frustrated won’t change that – I mean it’s like becoming angry at a rock for the rock being a rock – it’s ridiculous and unnecessary – as such I commit myself to be calm, patient, stable, and focus my attention on breathing effectively – and walk the necessary timeline with another to bring forth a understanding – and not to judge when this timeline extends and becomes longer than “normal”

When and as I see that I am becoming focused upon wanting others to feel that I am good at assisting, and supporting – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this point is in-fact making me loose focus, and attention on the point of actually assisting and supporting another – and so it all becomes about ego instead of in-fact bringing forth life; as such I commit myself to remain here with the physical and walk the point of assisting, and supporting another physically here without any point of ego disturbing me

When and as I see that I am being brutal, and ruthless with another, and that I am justifying this thinking that “this is the only way another can understand” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the use of anger, brutality, and ruthlessness as a way to teach, and educate has proven itself extremely ineffective through the course of human history – resulting in human beings that are living in fear of punishment and that have no individual understanding, and motivation, and critical thinking skills – they are in essence slaves without a form of self existing; as such I commit myself to understand that the only way to effectively assist, and support another is through considering, and seeing them within oneness and equality – as such I commit myself to be gentle, patient, forthcoming, perceptive, and receptive – and allow myself to walk the process of assisting and supporting another without stress, without being driven to have a result – but walk breath by breath here



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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby Anna » 23 Jul 2013, 10:06

Cool Viktor!

Great support here.



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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 26 Jul 2013, 22:03

Day 52: Too Useless To Notice Myself
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-52 ... ce-myself/

Yesterday, and the day before I’ve in my Swedish blog been writing about various aspects of wanting to be noticed – in particular the dimension of anticipation, and excitement – and also the dimension of disappointment, and feeling left out – two dimensions that are opposite polarities.

Today I am going to expand on this point further by writing about a particularly interesting experience that have come up on at least two occasions during the day.

So, for some context – the first point was that I entered a moment wherein two beings where speaking – I experienced myself a little pressured and said “Hello!” – only one of the beings said “Hello!” back and the other ignored me – and in that moment of being ignored I felt hit in the stomach – like – “Shit! – He’s excluding me!” – and I tried to sort of hold my appearances up as “Pff that was nothing!” – but within me I was greatly affected, and this also showed in my physical application that became stiff, and held back.

The other situation occurred as I was to take my bike into the building where I live – I was just outside the door, and then another guy comes out – and the door is open – instead of holding the door open for me as I expected he would do he looked at me and then ventured on letting the door slam shut behind him; in that moment I yet again had that reaction of feeling hit in my solar-plexus – and experiencing it as being a attack on my personal pride – thinking that – “Does this mean he doesn’t like me?” – “I am becoming ignored all the time, there must be something wrong with me – what am I doing?”

So, I mean – both these points represented one interesting thing – “being ignored” – or “being left out” – not being seen, and not being considered – and that was what I took so hard. And how this points relates back to the wanting to be noticed-point – is that this point of being rejected, and ignored is at the opposite polarity of being seen – it’s the thing that I absolutely do not want to happen and that I tend to strive towards not happening through being a generally comfortable and nice guy to be around.

Another point that is interesting is that I see that I started to judge myself after both these situations – and within me I was both angry, sad, and slightly blameful towards the other, and also myself – thinking that this was also my fault because I wasn’t pleasurable, and comfortable enough – there was definitely something that I didn’t do the right way and this is why the situation played out as it did.

So, yet again – the primary points to work with – as my primary issues that lies at the foundation of why I experience this point – is self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-value – words that I am still practicing to live and that I am not fully in all dimensions of my reality standing effectively within and as – because obviously these points show that I still do exist in a polarity when I am around others – of searching for acceptance, and fearing rejection, and being shunned.

I can also mention here that a good blog that I’ve read lately that is also about this particular point is Anna Brix Thomsen blog about “there must be something wrong with me” – and I highly suggest that you read this if you also as me experience difficulties with being stable, and comfortable with yourself regardless of how you perceive that others treat you.

Okay – so the point I will focus my self-forgiveness, and self-commitments upon today will be this point of being ignored/rejected – and the various points that opened up within this.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected, and ignored when I say something, or do something, and nobody pay’s any attention to me – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when nobody seems to notice me, and go into and as a reaction of thinking that there is something wrong with me – and that if I’d been a “normal being” then people would’ve noticed me, and would’ve seen me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, and judge myself when I feel that I am not being noticed enough – and think that there is something wrong with me because apparently I should be noticed by others, and apparently being noticed by others is what shows me that I am “normal” – and that I am “acceptable” – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally accept myself, and respect myself – and to stop defining my value, and worth according to whether I perceive that I am noticed or not – and as such live the correction of me living self-value – through not anymore speaking, and behaving from a starting point of wanting to be noticed, and wanting to be seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am noticed I have no value, and worth – and that unless I feel as being a part of someone else’s world – there is something wrong with me, and there is something I’ve not considered – and there is something that I’ve done badly; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, and see self-value as being something that is given to me by others, and is something that will happen to me when I am able to satisfy and please others – and make others feel that they are having a good time around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I do not feel, or perceive that another have taken notice of me, and respected me properly – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to be noticed, and respected by others – because I’ve not given these points to myself – I’ve not allowed myself to in-fact notice myself – meaning to see myself, to get to know myself, and be intimate with myself – and that I’ve not allowed myself to respect myself – because I’ve still accepted and allowed myself to search for others to give me value instead of me valuing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s impossible for me to value myself, and that I am not able to value myself because I don’t know how to do it – because I’ve never done it before – and so within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-value is being content with myself – and understanding that I don’t need to assert myself in any form of social setting to be okay with myself – but that I am self-value and that everything that I need, and want as being noticed is here for me to give to myself in each and every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I am seen by others, and unless others respond, and react to what I am saying, or doing – that I’ve then said, or done something wrong – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I speak, and express myself – to always be nervous as to how others will respond to me – because I believe that this response will determine my value, and determine my very existence – and as such I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to value myself – and trust myself – and stop defining myself according to how I perceive that others are feeling about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I believe that others see me – and think that this definition that I’ve created in my mind of myself, as how I believe that others see me is in anyway real – and actual physical point – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that it’s not a real, and actual physical – and that it’s not about actual facts but only about what I feel, and experience, as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value what I feel, and what I experience more than myself – and more than my actual physical movement of and as myself here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start to backchat about others as being “mean” and being “inconsiderate” – when I feel that they have not given me the attention that I need; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not feeling that I am noticed enough – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I don’t need to be noticed anymore by others – and that I am able to in-fact notice myself – I mean I can see myself in every moment and the question I should really ask myself is why hasn’t this been enough? I mean – I am here to notice me in every breath yet why have I wanted more?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, and desire to have more than me noticing myself – thinking that I am worthless, and useless, and that it doesn’t matter that I notice, and see myself – because apparently what matters is that another see and notice me, and define me as being positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop the inferiority within me as thinking that I am by design less than others, and as such that I must be noticed by others – instead of seeing, realizing, and understand that I’ve invented my design and as such it’s not inherent – and it doesn’t have to remain this way – because I am able to change myself and as such be fully content, and satisfied in me seeing, and noticing myself – and not anymore having to make sure that others feel positively towards me – but that I instead live self-value, self-worth, and self-respect here – in being stable within and as me in all social settings knowing that I am sufficient, and I am enough – and I don’t need anyone to tell me or show me this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I notice myself, or when I am aware of myself – that this doesn’t count because I am apparently useless – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and change this self-destructive reasoning within me – to as such accept and allow myself to stand up for myself and live self-worth, and self-respect in each moment – in not allowing myself to be defined, and created by how I perceive that others experience me

Self-commitments

When and as I say, and do something, and nobody takes notice – and I react in taking it personally, thinking that there is something wrong with me – Immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is nothing wrong with me – but only that nobody has taken notice of me – and nothing else have really happened; as such I commit myself to breath – and simply continue to express myself in the moment without making a big deal out nobody noticing me – I express me for myself and not so that somebody can take notice of me

When and as I see that I am blaming, and judging myself as thinking that “there is something wrong with me” – because nobody seems to have taken notice of me in a moment – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to make it a big deal, or take it personally – I mean it’s simply that nobody noticed me and nothing more – as such I commit myself to simply breath and continue moving, and applying myself naturally here and stop any secret agenda of wanting to be accepted, or seen, or heard, or loved – I commit myself to accept, respect, and worth myself

When and as I see that I am thinking that I am worthless unless somebody takes notice of me, thinks about me, or considers me in a way so that I feel important – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean – I can’t live my life constantly evaluating myself upon the basis of how I think others see, and notice me – as that will make me to become a slave and nothing more but a slave – as such I commit myself to practice expressing myself without wanting anything back – expressing myself unconditionally and without searching for any form of response when I speak and express myself

I commit myself to notice, and see myself – and to practically worth myself – and to do this through practicing expressing myself unconditionally and without wanting, or desiring to have any specific response in return – and that I simply express myself naturally in the moment as a breath – speak naturally, move myself naturally – as I would’ve done if I was by myself – because in essence I am always by myself – and thus I commit myself to live self-worth, and self-respect through valuing myself unconditionally and not limit myself to feel comfortable only when I think that others think I am fun, or cool to be with

When and as I think, and believe that it’s impossible for me to value, and worth myself – because I’ve never done it; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s not impossible – but it’s just convenient for me to think that it is because then I won’t have to change myself – as such I commit myself to practice living self-worth, and self-respect practically through not allowing my expression of myself to be dependent upon how others express themselves towards me

When and as I see that I become nervous about how others will respond to something that I’ve said – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I don’t have to live this way of evaluating myself on the basis of how others respond to me – but that I am able to change my way of living so that I express myself as myself without wanting anything back – and thus that I give, and share of myself unconditionally; as such I commit myself to speak within oneness and equality as my human physical body – speak HERE and without any secret agenda as how I’d like others to respond to me – and experience me; because I see that this is self-limitation

When and as I see that I am changing myself in my way of moving, speaking, sharing, and expressing myself – because I believe that others feel a particular way about me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that if I allow me to change because others feel a specific way about me – then this is me limiting myself, and making me less than what I am able to be; as such I commit myself to live my fullest potential in every moment through not worrying, or thinking about what others feel, or not feel in relation to me – and instead focus upon me expressing myself self-honestly in every moment of breath

When and as I see, and notice that I start to backchat about others as being “mean” and “inconsiderate” – because they’ve not given me the attention that I apparently deserve – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that what I experience has nothing to do with others – and that me not feeling that I am being given attention is my issue and it’s not anything about actual attention; as such I commit myself to simply stop and to re-align myself in the moment as me speaking, and sharing myself for and as myself here in this moment within oneness and equality as physical breath – here with my body with no starting point that is in separation from myself as here

When and as I want others to notice me, and that I am thinking it’s not enough that I notice, and see myself – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that it’s a misconception that I’ve made thinking that what others experience matters – when what matters is the physical and my movement in the physical – thus I decide who I am and not the attention I perceive that I receive from others; as such I commit myself to practice directing my human physical body – and my expression to not be dependent upon any form of expression that “get in return” – I express myself unconditionally here

When and as I see that I am thinking that I apparently must receive notice, and attention from others, because I am less by design, and inferior as a trait that I’ve been born with and can’t change – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that this is merely an excuse for me to not stop, and change myself – and re-align myself – because I know that I can change myself and that it’s as such just a point of actually doing it; as such I commit myself to stop whining, and victimizing myself to my experiences – and instead simply change myself in one moment – in one breath – here

When and as I think that me noticing myself, and giving myself attention – through me expressing myself within oneness and equality as my full physical awareness here – is not enough because I am apparently useless – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am the creator and thus I decide what I will accept, and allow and what not – thus I decide that I am useful – and that I am enough – that me giving me attention, and noticing myself is sufficient; as such I commit myself to notice, and give myself attention – and to be here with me – and to understand that this is everything that I require and need



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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 28 Jul 2013, 21:42

Day 53: Productivity Instead of Stress
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-53 ... of-stress/

Today I had a intense start on the day – because what happened was that during yesterday I became tired, and I decided to take a rest – and within this I said to myself that I would postpone some of my responsibilities and rather do them as I woke up the next day. So, the next day arrived and I found myself being really tired, which meant that I as I got up I didn’t have that much time to walk my responsibilities as I had planned.

This made me stressed, and somewhat anxious – and on top of this my two cats always requires some attention in the morning, as they are both to come in and get some breakfast, and then also go out again. So, this point awoke within me a reaction of stress, and anxiety – and this in turn resulted in me becoming irritable, and frustrated – wherein I felt that my cat’s where bothering me, and that my responsibilities were bothering me – and that everything, and everyone was simply “taking my time” – and that “there was not enough time to do the stuff I’d planned to do”.

Thus – what I am able to see is that firstly – this stress point is simply not supportive at all, I mean – I can’t accept, and allow myself to become stressed about my responsibilities, as that will not in anyway help me to complete what it is that I am doing – and secondly – I must allow myself to be flexible with my responsibilities, and understand that sometimes my body do require some rest, and I might simply not have the time to walk my responsibility – and that this is not something to make a big deal about, but instead to find a solution – and to maybe direct myself to walk that particular responsibility on a day when I don’t have to go to the work, and simply postpone the point for some days – realizing that it’s better to actually walk the point with sufficient time to do it properly than simply stressing about like a hunted animal trying to do as “much as possible” not realizing that – it doesn’t work that way – and that being effective with a particular point requires more than just “doing it” – it requires that I am HERE with the point – and for me to be HERE with the point it requires that I’ve structured my time so that I am able to give myself the needed moment to immerse myself in the point and do it specifically, and effectively.

This also reveals an interesting pattern as to how I tend to approach responsibilities – I see it as – when I get it done, and I’ve walked the point – then it’s cool; but within this I do not consider the quality of what I’ve done – but more consider that “I’ve done it” – and because of that it’s cool. Obviously this is not how it works – because the quality of what I do means A LOT – and that I can do lot’s of things during a day but if I haven’t done these points specifically they won’t be of much worth – for example – a house that I build fast and sloppily will stand for a shorter time than a house that I build effectively, specifically and meticulously.

Thus – a point I want to give myself is to allow myself to further push the point of patience, and allowing myself to take my time – and stop trying to do “as many things as possible” – and instead decide to do a few things yet do these points effectively, and specifically – realizing and understanding that I don’t have to rush, and that I don’t have to “just do it” – if I actually allow myself to structure my time effectively, and do that in such a way that I have enough time to really get into the point I am working with.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush to get things done, and do as many points as possible, and apparently be as “productive as possible” – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that when I accept, and allow myself to walk, and participate from this starting point what I produce will lack quality – and substance – because I have not given myself the necessary time to walk, and direct the point specifically, and effectively here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am effective when I am participating in points from a starting point of stress, and “moving fast” and that the more I do – the better I am – and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here to the physical – and within this accept and allow myself to stop trying to get as many things done as possible – and instead work in the moment – work within and as breath – and walk each breath to completion and try to do more than what I am able and capable to do in one breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I stress a point, and try to get a point done only to get it done – I am compromising myself, and I am compromising the results of the point – and really it’s not even of any worth to pursue the point when I am in such a state of hastiness, and hurriedness – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down, and to walk my responsibilities effectively – and when I see that there is not enough time for me to do this – to instead decrease the amount of responsibilities that I have – realizing that I can’t do everything in a physical reality that is based upon time, and space – there is only so much time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in trying to do as many things as possible I am in-fact compromising myself, and that really – it’s better to give my focus and attention unto doing some points – and then giving myself sufficient with time to concentrate, and to immerse myself in those points – and give myself fully to those points without being distracted with fear, and stress; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I move myself from within and as stress – I am not particularly effective at all – in-fact I am the opposite and I am only doing to feel productive – instead of doing to in-fact be productive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that there is a difference between feeling as if I am productive, and in-fact being productive – and that feeling productive happens when I do something – but being productive happens when I am HERE fully while doing something – and participating with the point in a state of fully receptivity, and hereness – and I see, realize, and understand that such a point of productivity – can only exist when and as I accept and allow myself to give myself the necessary time, and space to walk the point effectively without having time on my shoulder as a demon screaming to me that “my time is up! And I need to immediately move to the next point!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice giving myself time – in realizing that I have to push myself to in-fact allow myself to do less points – yet doing these points within having more time – as such allowing myself immerse myself more in the points and in-fact be productive instead of only feeling productive

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I am rushing and trying to get “as many points done as possible” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize and understand that when I move myself from this starting point I am not being effective in what I am doing – and that I might feel productive but I am not in-fact productive as a real point; as such I commit myself to slow down and give myself the time to walk each point specifically – and accept the point that there is not unlimited with time – and as such I must focus my time on some points that I want to pursue – and that this is simply how this reality functions and is not something I can get away from; as such I commit myself to structure my time according to reality – and according to the point of giving myself the time necessary to effectively walk my responsibilities calmly, specifically, and effectively – here

When and as I see that I am stressing, and I am trying to get as many points done as possible – simply to get them done – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that to only do something doesn’t mean that I’ve in-fact done something effectively – and as such I realize that I need time, and space to walk a point effectively and that I must give myself this; as such I commit myself to stop trying to save time – and instead use the time I need to walk a point effectively until I am satisfied with the point

When and as I see that I am in a state of hastiness, and hurriedness – as trying to get things done now – fast – and save time; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within this compromising myself and the points I am walking – because I am not walking them with the necessary diligence, and specificity – but instead mass-producing without any regard for quality; as such I commit myself to practice patience – and practice producing quality and being okay with using the time I need, and require to walk a point effectively, and specifically until I am satisfied with myself

When and as I see that I am structuring my time to get as many points done as possible, in fear of missing out – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t do everything – it’s not physically possible – and as such it’s better that I focus upon some points, and stabilize myself effectively within these – and make sure that I have the time to pursue these points effectively; as such I commit myself to structure the time of my day not around fear of missing out – but instead around using my time effectively and giving myself the time I need to walk a point specifically, and detailed

When and as I feel productive because I stress, and get “many things done” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that feeling productive is not the same as in-fact being productive, I mean there is a real difference – in that being productive is something that entails presence and actual quality – while feeling productive is just a internal mental experience and nothing real; as such I commit myself to in-fact be productive – which entails that I am HERE and that I dedicate myself to the point that I am walking and not only try to get it done as fast as possible

I commit myself to give myself the time necessary to walk the points I’ve selected for myself to walk effectively – and to prioritize my time – and to prioritize the points I am walking – to as such use my time effectively and not plan in to much, and not plan in to little – but instead plan perfectly; as such I commit myself to practice planning my time effectively to support productivity instead of stress



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viktor
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Re: Viktors (Eng) Journey To Life

Postby viktor » 30 Jul 2013, 16:52

Day 54: Facing Fear of Conflict
http://viktorpersson.com/2013/07/day-54 ... -conflict/

Recently I’ve begun to notice a physical unconscious pattern of fear that I go into when I meet people – I tend to experience this when I meet people that I have no former relationship with, and that I do not exactly know how they will behave and act around me.

So, for example – I was out walking just some time ago, and as I was walking down the road I noticed three individuals coming towards me – these individuals where male – so just within noticing them I could notice that I went into a slight heightened awareness, a slight experience of upholding myself, and my presentation – becoming more aware of what position my body is in and how this might seem to someone that looks at me – this was the first point I am able to notice – a slight heightened awareness – almost like a statement of: “oh oh, here comes people – better activate my people-character”.

Then as I came closer to the people I noticed how a fear arose within my solar-plexus – and this fear is particularly in relation to the point of unpredictability with people, and also the fear of not being able to read people – and thus get myself into a situation wherein I am being attacked, or seen by another as less than.

So, as I walked past them I could feel this physical reaction arise within me – and then as I passed them the reaction was gone – and I simply continued to walk.
Now – I find it interesting because I am able to relate this particular reaction to what I’ve been writing about the last couple of days – which is the desire for approval, or seeking approval as a form of comfort, and also fear of conflict; and recently I’ve begun to notice just how debilitating fear of conflict, and fear of not being approved is to me, and that it in essence blocks me from expressing myself unconditionally, and with ease in each moment of breath.

Recently I read a blog wherein someone explained that from young we’re educated (if you can call it that) to not show our negative experiences, but to present a fake façade of niceness to everyone; now – this is a particular character that I’ve participated within lot’s, and one of my major fears is to show the negativity within me when I am interacting with people – and this is also one of the points that cause the most conflict within me – because when I do have a negative reaction, I go into a negative reaction towards the negative reaction as I am trying to hide the negative reaction from others – so it’s like a double reaction.

For example – as I walked past these individuals and I noticed the fear coming up, a simultaneous point that came up within me was that: “they must not see how I really experience myself” – so within this I want to make sure that I present a “presentable” exterior to others as someone that is stable, and calm – in fear of being judged as weak if I do not present this stable and calm exterior.

So, here I am able to bring all of this back to myself – to see that really I fear my own reactions, and it’s I that fear to be open and vulnerable with myself and see what I experience – and that I’ve projected this point unto others – but really the point is about me as me fearing to see myself, and be frank with myself.

Obviously it’s completely stupid to react to my own reactions as this doesn’t help to sort them out, it just makes it worse – and the solution is instead to embrace the reactions coming up within me – and to accept and allow myself to see myself without judgment, and to understand that I can’t expect of myself to be this stable, and calm human-being – I mean really – I’ve spent most of my life creating myself to not be a stable and calm human-being thus it’s obvious that it will take some time for me to correct, and walk through these points.

Thus – I will work with this point of reacting to my own reactions, and also the point of fear of conflict, and fear of being bullied that I see that my unconscious fear reaction stems from within – so this is then two points I will be walking through and dealing with in my self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am around people go into a heightened state of awareness as a fear-awareness – as a state of preparing myself for the worst – the worst being to end up in a conflict with others, and to be attacked by others – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, and want to avoid conflict at all costs – and define, and see conflict as something extremely harmful, and bad – and something that I must at all costs not go into but rather present myself as stable, and calm – and make sure that I don’t trigger any form of point in another that might cause a conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that in fearing conflicts I am compromising, and limiting myself in my expression – because I will so to speak – walk on egg-shells around others – being constantly afraid, and worried that my expression might trigger, and unleash a hailstorm of frustration, and anger – and that I will end up in a conflict wherein I am trying to defend, and protect myself from what I perceive to be another’s evil – as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath, and bring myself back here – and too understand that conflict, anger, frustration, disappointment, enervation, disgust, and hatred – these points are not in themselves something to fear – I mean they might go to a point of fearful danger as actual physical danger – yet in themselves they are merely energetic possessions that do not influence me on a physical level – as such nothing to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize fear as a way of protecting myself from conflict, and to make sure that I am not too open, or too expressive, or too flamboyant – but that I remain cool, and stable – and that I don’t in anyway cause a point of conflict to emerge in my world – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my expression, and hold myself back – and not dare to be comfortable, and relaxed, and at ease with myself – as allowing myself to express myself naturally, and comfortably – simply sharing myself within oneness and equality here with another – and not going into a state of fear the moment I meet, and interact with another human being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this fear of conflict I’ve accumulated within me is a remnant of the so-called education that I received in my younger years – wherein I learned to fear other human beings, to fear strangers, to fear not being in control, to fear expressing myself unconditionally, to fear being strange and different, to fear sticking out from the group, to fear not being like everyone else – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how useless this education have in-fact been – and that it’s based upon fear, and anxiety, and assumptions, and interpretations of reality – and not upon facts – and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my relationship with this world, and the people within it upon opinions instead of facts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to opinions, and disregard facts – opinions being for example fear of conflict – thus opinionating conflict as something bad, and as something that I should avoid – instead of sticking with facts – seeing that conflict is in essence simply two opposing forces that is colliding – thus two perspectives that do not work with each-other – the solution is thus not to fear conflict – but to instead direct the two forces to a mutual point of stability, and understanding – I mean – learning to communicate effectively to as such direct conflicts to a point of solution instead of simply fearing conflicts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I’ve demonized conflicts – and that when I’ve seen people in my world go into conflicts, and disagreements – that I’ve judged them, and judged how they express themselves – and seen them as bad people because they’ve gone into conflict instead of remaining cool, breathing, and being relaxed, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back to the physical and understand that nothing of what is currently here is bad – or wrong – and that it won’t help, and assist to react to what is here – but what will help is to understand what is here, and learn to direct what is here in a way that is best for all – to as such establish a point in this world and reality that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reactions, and to fear admitting to myself that I am reacting in believing that reactions, and thoughts, and experiences, are generally speaking bad, and wrong – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that the mind is not bad, or wrong – and I mean seeing what is within me is in-fact practical, and effective – because in allowing myself to recognize what I exist as, and within – I am allowing myself be able to correct myself and the point I am existing within – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop judging what is here – and instead of judging what is here – assist and support myself to correct what is here to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the ridiculousness of going into fear when I walk past other people – because what do I really fear? I mean – is it even effective to be within a fear even though there was some actual practical point to look out for? I mean – no – because in going into fear – all I think about and experience is my fear – and I am not able to be HERE and see what is going on; such as for example how this person died – that you can here about in this interview – she drowned – and as she was drowning she was trying to swim to the surface but was in too much panic to understand and see what was up and down – thus she swam into the wrong direction – I mean – this point applies not only to panicking in water but to all aspects and dimensions of life – because in going into fear I become irrational and I do not see reality, the physical, and I do not see the solution, the direction that is best for me; as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of fear in understanding that fear doesn’t assist and support me but merely serves to hold me back, and hold me in a stagnant position of waiting to be safe before I express myself – instead of understanding that when I let go of the fear to need to feel safe won’t anymore be a issue because I will simply be HERE within and as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive fear of conflict, and fear of being bullied as these great mechanisms that I can use in order to become socially effective – thinking that these mechanisms help me to guide me through life and that without them I wouldn’t know how to be, express myself, and interact in my social environment – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this point – and to ask myself – but hey – is this really in-fact the case? I mean – how come I’ve trusted this fear to be common sense when it’s never in-fact specifically shown me the common sense of it’s existence – it have just come up within me like – BLAAHH!!! Here I am – I am a fear – now obey me!! And as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question these fears and to understand that these fears are not a common sense guideline of how to live effectively but are instead a remnant of my past ineffective education

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that it’s nothing dangerous, or compromising to express myself unconditionally, to allow myself to so to speak be free – in allowing myself to be comfortable, to be at ease, and to be fully here with and as my physical body and express myself within oneness and equality as being DIRECT here – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring myself back here and to continue to push this point of living within oneness and equality with my human physical body – in understanding that fear is not a natural trait – fear is a cultural creation that has been created through a misunderstanding of physical reality – and a misunderstanding of what it means to live – to live doesn’t mean to live in fear of survival – but to live means to express self here in every moment of breath being so completely in this moment that there is simply HERE – thus in other word’s in-fact being alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand how I am limiting myself through not embracing the probability of conflict – and through not standing in such a position within me that I trust myself that I’ll be able to direct the conflict if a conflict emerge – because I mean – I understand that conflicts are not dangerous – conflicts are merely points of two colliding forces and that this point must be directed within oneness and equality – and as such it’s merely as any other moment that opens up here – and that the moment requires to be directed; and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not practice directing what is here – instead of fearing what is here – seeing that learning to direct, and trusting myself that I’ll be able to direct what is here – is in-fact a self-empowering solution – while fearing what is here is a self-victimizing point of escapism as not wanting to take responsibility for what is here in this world

Self-commitments

When and as I see that I around other people go into a heightened state of awareness, as a fear-awareness as a state of preparing myself for the worst – as conflict, or being bullied; I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I am within going into – and allowing myself to be possessed by this state of fear – not allowing myself to live – to express myself – and to be here in this moment and be here with the point that is here – which might be to get to know someone, or direct a specific point that I’d like to be directed for me world, and reality to be more effective; as such I commit myself to stop fearing conflict, and being bullied, as being called names, and yelled at; and I instead commit myself to embrace what is here and stand equal to all probabilities – and simply instead of fearing what is here – learn to direct what is here within oneness and equality as breath

When and as I see that I am going into a fear in relation to energetic possessions such as hate, disgust, disappointment, anger, frustration, and enervation – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that these points are nothing to fear because they do not imply that I am in fearful danger – as such I am not in actual physical danger – I am not to actually physically be harmed; as such I commit myself to breath and to stand within oneness and equality with that particular energetic possession – and instead of fearing the point – learn and perfect to direct the point to a solution that is best for all

When and as I see that I go into a state of holding myself back, as so to speak watching my tongue from a starting point of fear, worrying that if I am too express myself unconditionally, and without anxiety – that this will trigger a point of conflict, and that anger will emerge, or enervation, and that I will become subject to another’s wrath – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand how it doesn’t help me to direct the point – and to live – when I go into this particular fear – I mean all that happens is that I suppress myself and really kill myself as self-expression and then I hope that a conflict won’t emerge – instead of me expressing myself naturally and then learning to direct conflicts effectively and remaining stable within myself in facing and directing conflicts in my world

When and as I see that I go into fear automatically as I meet other people, as thinking that I must fear them because they are “strangers” and they “can’t be trusted” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that – I mean – yet they can’t be trusted yet this is not a reason to go into fear – it’s simply to see that it’s stupid to trust people without them having proved their integrity; as such I commit myself to not anymore confuse not trusting another with fear – because I am still able to be stable and effective here in my breath-movement whether, or whether not I trust another

When and as I see that I go into fear of conflict, and that I am opinionating conflict as being something “bad” and “wrong” – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that conflict is neither bad, neither good – it’s in-fact simply a physical point of colliding forces – that requires direction – as such I commit myself to establish a stability within me and a effectiveness in directing conflicts through practicing when conflicts emerge to stand stable and speak within common sense, clarity, and stability – to as such not anymore fear, or try to avoid conflicts but instead learn to direct them effectively

When and as I see that I am judging, or demonizing conflict, or any other form of expression in this world, or something the emerge within me – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that the solution is not to demonize, is not to judge, is not to be a moralist of right and wrong – but the solution is to understand and to be able to direct the points that emerge within me; as such the solution is to develop solutions for points and direct them; as such I commit myself to focus on solutions instead of right and wrong – to focus on common sense direction instead of right and wrong

When and as I see that I go into a state of judging what appears within me, and in this case judging fear – and reacting to the fear in fear of showing to others that I react in fear – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I mean judging what is here is unnecessary – because in judging what is here I will not in-fact learn to direct the point, but the point will continue to simply be a unresolved point within me – as such I commit myself to focus upon solutions, to focus upon directing what emerge within me – instead of judging what emerges within me – and wanting to hide, and escape from what emerge within and as me

When and as I see that I want to hold unto fear because I believe that it protects me, I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that fear makes me irrational, fear clouds my judgment and unable me to see effective solutions with clarity; as such I commit myself to stop fear – and instead focus upon stability and being HERE and even though I am facing a situation with lot’s of pressure – to still not go into fear but to focus upon stability and directing the situation within and as common sense as what is best for all

When and as I see that I trust a fear that comes up within me as being a effective guideline for me to use to be socially effective in my world, and reality – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that there is obviously no proof what-so-ever that a fear would make me more socially effective – in-fact fear simply unable me from expressing myself effectively, being open, vulnerable, and receptive – and instead I close myself and simply become this reactive automaton that acts in fear of survival; thus I commit myself to develop my own guidelines as common sense in social interactions – and to use these instead of fear – as such trusting myself instead of trusting fear

When and as I perceive fear as indicating to me what is dangerous, what I should avoid, and what I shouldn’t avoid – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that I can’t trust fear – I can’t rely upon fear – fear is a program that comes up automatically without any form of effective reasoning – it’s not to be trusted; as such I commit myself to utilize common sense in my world as a my starting point of self-direction – and as such direct myself within and as effective common sense reasoning instead of fear

When and as I see that I want to avoid conflicts instead of directing conflicts within common sense as what is best for all – I immediately stop myself, I take a breath, and I bring myself back here – and I see, realize, and understand that in wanting to avoid conflicts I won’t be effective in this world and it will naturally cause me to compromise myself, and go into self-suppression instead of directing myself here – thus the solution is not avoidance but facing the point and learning to direct the point effectively; as such I commit myself to develop effective conflict-direction-skills through practicing being stable, not taking a conflict personally, and focusing upon common sense as a solution that is best for all




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