I can see what you are going through and experiencing based on your writings. However that is only the mind aspect. I have no context of what you are doing in your day to day, if you are currently working or not or how you spend most of your time. One thing that is usually common is that whenever we have no set direction or have created a purpose for ourselves, being it taking a job, studying or developing some skills etc. it is more easy to get busy in the mind and fueling it with memories, ideas, experiences that eventually lead us nowhere.
One thing to consider is how the use of drugs and the apparent 'high' is nothing more than an apparent 'nice' experience that is only layering/piling up the suppression of the actuality of things that you have to work with in your life. Therefore, from the addiction to masturbation, to thinking about another person and their current life/ why they are not with you and all of these reactions you are facing currently are mostly consequences that one creates when not dealing with the situations more at the core and source of the problem.
So this is a perspective to consider that yes, self sabotage and essentially being able to get addicted to anything including thinking it's just who and what we have allowed ourselves to be and become in the mind, and that giving into any experience, surely it is 'easy' and might feel 'nice' to you, but you are then proving the consequences that ensue when giving into all of these points that you know, very well by now, where they lead you to.
Therefore, I would mostly suggest asking yourself 'Who am I' when saying 'I stop' or 'I need to stop' - because recognizing here that you are getting yourself deep into the mind without any solutions in those experiences and that you need to stop is only one realization. From there what is needed is an action. And this won't only be writing or writing self forgiveness. It is entirely futile to write the same self forgiveness on the same points every day and practically not writing the structure of the new you, the things that you do decide to do and create for yourself in your life. Which means: actually letting go of fueling/giving into your addictions, that is to legal drugs, non legal drugs, porn, masturbation with porn, thinking about others' lives that are currently Not in your reality in a way where you create experiences about them, etc.
Here I Am is what your name could remind yourself of and so within that realization rather re-affirm, remind yourself of who and what you actually are willing to live with for the rest of your life, which is yourself. It is futile to 'fear death' and go through life doing the entire opposite of 'caring for your life,' so rather ask yourself whenever you are giving into the self-sabotage and self-destructive patterns be clear, frank and honest with yourself, be Real with yourself: who am I in this moment? What am I accepting and Allowing? Am I aware of all the consequences that come from this? Am I just a program giving into sucking my life dry to fuel an experience?
Many of us have been in difficult places in our lives, and even in those darkest moments we had and continually Have to make a directive decision: to actually do, live and apply the change that we see makes sense for our lives. And this means debunking the illusion of pleasure or niceness that you might get from any of the above mentioned points of addictions, including thinking too much and going into memories and so then using any drugs, porn, masturbation to 'deal with it' or deal with any anxiety that you might have related to seeing yourself in your life in a position where you might not be taking responsibility for yourself.
Therefore, as much as this forum is here to assist and support, anyone here can only do 'so much' in providing feedback to another, to share the considerations that one has tested out are effective with oneself, just as I am here speaking the way that I would like to be supported with if ever facing myself in a similar situation as you are now, to actually bring myself back to the ground as soon as possible. However it is ultimately up to each one of us what one decides or does. It does become repetitive to keep writing on the same points yet seeing yourself not actually changing from those points at all, because that is what living change is about and that is where the whole point of focus in process is at: living words.
You might be watching videos in the SOUL channel for example? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuBohS ... r5CJikvhsA
there's a recent video on Responsibility I absolutely recommend watching. What these guys are sharing is not an impossible thing to do for anyone of us, no matter where or how in your life you might be doing right now:
Responsibility - Response-ability - Ability to Respond https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDV4oHOTWXk
Not speaking or suppressing what you think is not the solution either, it is rather to learn how to understand How you've created your own thoughts, backchats, experiences, and this is actually done by nothing else than writing to then see in common sense what changes you'd have to take on in your life to assist yourself for real.
Of course self forgiveness wont' 'magically change you' at all, it is again pointless to write self forgiveness if you are not yet directly writing out immediately after recognizing the responsibility upon something to actually see how you can stop that pattern, how you can change how you live your life, what do you have to get rid of, what new habits can you create that are healthy and supportive, what kind of decisions do you have to make in order to be more stable in your life? If you only write and write the same problems, without at all considering the practical correction needed to change them, or writing out which words you can start living to correct the 'old programming' in you, then you get only lost in a recycling of the same thing.
So, because you've been following the forum and material for a long time, I would suggest you that when sharing in this forum, you specifically now also focus on sharing as well what are you actually doing and committing to assist yourself in your day to day - there's lots of examples here as well on how to do that, there's plenty of material discussing that as well. The key is to not give into or indulge into the known 'pleasures' that have led you nowhere, and actually have the will and assertiveness to do what you know is best for you and for those around you.
As always, we are only a self-support forum and this means that any words of support provided by myself or any user of this forum are our own opinions, perspectives and in no way are meant to substitute any professional support, and your responsibility relies entirely on how you may interpret, use them or act out on them. Therefore, I do recommend again you consider getting professional medical counseling in order to ensure that you have a point of professional support if you find your experiences too overwhelming, impossible to deal with or if you are having thoughts or experiences that may harm you and others around you. Self responsibility implies: ensuring one is able to respond to one's actions and experience, it implies recognizing that one's actions have consequences, it implies that one ensures our thoughts or experiences do not become a harm to oneself or others, and this begins with being honest about your experience in your mind, body and life and seeing if you would be best supported in this process of standing up from these patterns in you if you had a constant revision by professionals.
Give yourself that ability to stand up from this, takes change, yes, takes will, yes, takes getting out of your comfort zone, by all means, but it's doable. If you find that this is not possible to be done by yourself alone any longer, please consider what I wrote above these two lines.