hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 12 Jul 2016, 20:25

Tuesday 7/12/16

during/after(participating in my masturbation to picture images and drugs personality addiction):

I wake up, as in a snap out of it. Bernard said it's guilt what keeps one from going back home to source/completion.

but it's so easy to just fall back in the 'masturbation personality'.

i'll regret myself when I'm sober, but that doesn't make sense because there's no self -acceptance in that, only a fight/collision/friction/polarity/enslavement. but I must stand up from this shit. self forgiveness. I should just embrace masturbation with/as the physical. fuck polarity. choice is polarity.

I need to type all this shit on the destonian forum to be assisted. theres no reason to hold back, it's fuckin common sense. holding back is just ego polarity enslavement game that never ends. stop the fight. how do I stop fighting myself? I have to have faith in life, that's just it.

I have to be screwed with no posiblity for fuckin picture images as the masturbation personality. but stopping fucking sucks. but to end the design of infinity as polarity I must fuckin stop. otherwise the fuckin construct-design just remanifests itself again. so that means I obviously must stop.

I could use some support and assistance.

so yes, I absolutely must stop. haha I'm sorry man.

I commit myself to not talk at all today to anyone. I don't fuckin need to talk.

cerise poolman - "your truth": tell me why youre so afraid what can they do to you. tell me why your holding back what can they do to you. it's just not worth it.

thinking self forgiveness is not effective. it's not physical, imprint, real. thus, that means that if I allow myself to not say a single word today - i'll cut the mind/matrix/consciousness/ego's real fuel. that means It can't manifest itself. makes sense. so I will not talk today. it would be the first day in many years that I have dared to not speak.

if I don't speak then probably the inner chatter will inevitably shut down, because it has no source, no access to real physical source.



Marlen
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby Marlen » 15 Jul 2016, 01:10

Hi Hiram

I can see what you are going through and experiencing based on your writings. However that is only the mind aspect. I have no context of what you are doing in your day to day, if you are currently working or not or how you spend most of your time. One thing that is usually common is that whenever we have no set direction or have created a purpose for ourselves, being it taking a job, studying or developing some skills etc. it is more easy to get busy in the mind and fueling it with memories, ideas, experiences that eventually lead us nowhere.

One thing to consider is how the use of drugs and the apparent 'high' is nothing more than an apparent 'nice' experience that is only layering/piling up the suppression of the actuality of things that you have to work with in your life. Therefore, from the addiction to masturbation, to thinking about another person and their current life/ why they are not with you and all of these reactions you are facing currently are mostly consequences that one creates when not dealing with the situations more at the core and source of the problem.

So this is a perspective to consider that yes, self sabotage and essentially being able to get addicted to anything including thinking it's just who and what we have allowed ourselves to be and become in the mind, and that giving into any experience, surely it is 'easy' and might feel 'nice' to you, but you are then proving the consequences that ensue when giving into all of these points that you know, very well by now, where they lead you to.

Therefore, I would mostly suggest asking yourself 'Who am I' when saying 'I stop' or 'I need to stop' - because recognizing here that you are getting yourself deep into the mind without any solutions in those experiences and that you need to stop is only one realization. From there what is needed is an action. And this won't only be writing or writing self forgiveness. It is entirely futile to write the same self forgiveness on the same points every day and practically not writing the structure of the new you, the things that you do decide to do and create for yourself in your life. Which means: actually letting go of fueling/giving into your addictions, that is to legal drugs, non legal drugs, porn, masturbation with porn, thinking about others' lives that are currently Not in your reality in a way where you create experiences about them, etc.

Here I Am is what your name could remind yourself of and so within that realization rather re-affirm, remind yourself of who and what you actually are willing to live with for the rest of your life, which is yourself. It is futile to 'fear death' and go through life doing the entire opposite of 'caring for your life,' so rather ask yourself whenever you are giving into the self-sabotage and self-destructive patterns be clear, frank and honest with yourself, be Real with yourself: who am I in this moment? What am I accepting and Allowing? Am I aware of all the consequences that come from this? Am I just a program giving into sucking my life dry to fuel an experience?

Many of us have been in difficult places in our lives, and even in those darkest moments we had and continually Have to make a directive decision: to actually do, live and apply the change that we see makes sense for our lives. And this means debunking the illusion of pleasure or niceness that you might get from any of the above mentioned points of addictions, including thinking too much and going into memories and so then using any drugs, porn, masturbation to 'deal with it' or deal with any anxiety that you might have related to seeing yourself in your life in a position where you might not be taking responsibility for yourself.

Therefore, as much as this forum is here to assist and support, anyone here can only do 'so much' in providing feedback to another, to share the considerations that one has tested out are effective with oneself, just as I am here speaking the way that I would like to be supported with if ever facing myself in a similar situation as you are now, to actually bring myself back to the ground as soon as possible. However it is ultimately up to each one of us what one decides or does. It does become repetitive to keep writing on the same points yet seeing yourself not actually changing from those points at all, because that is what living change is about and that is where the whole point of focus in process is at: living words.

You might be watching videos in the SOUL channel for example? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuBohS ... r5CJikvhsA there's a recent video on Responsibility I absolutely recommend watching. What these guys are sharing is not an impossible thing to do for anyone of us, no matter where or how in your life you might be doing right now:
Responsibility - Response-ability - Ability to Respond https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDV4oHOTWXk


Not speaking or suppressing what you think is not the solution either, it is rather to learn how to understand How you've created your own thoughts, backchats, experiences, and this is actually done by nothing else than writing to then see in common sense what changes you'd have to take on in your life to assist yourself for real.

Of course self forgiveness wont' 'magically change you' at all, it is again pointless to write self forgiveness if you are not yet directly writing out immediately after recognizing the responsibility upon something to actually see how you can stop that pattern, how you can change how you live your life, what do you have to get rid of, what new habits can you create that are healthy and supportive, what kind of decisions do you have to make in order to be more stable in your life? If you only write and write the same problems, without at all considering the practical correction needed to change them, or writing out which words you can start living to correct the 'old programming' in you, then you get only lost in a recycling of the same thing.

So, because you've been following the forum and material for a long time, I would suggest you that when sharing in this forum, you specifically now also focus on sharing as well what are you actually doing and committing to assist yourself in your day to day - there's lots of examples here as well on how to do that, there's plenty of material discussing that as well. The key is to not give into or indulge into the known 'pleasures' that have led you nowhere, and actually have the will and assertiveness to do what you know is best for you and for those around you.

As always, we are only a self-support forum and this means that any words of support provided by myself or any user of this forum are our own opinions, perspectives and in no way are meant to substitute any professional support, and your responsibility relies entirely on how you may interpret, use them or act out on them. Therefore, I do recommend again you consider getting professional medical counseling in order to ensure that you have a point of professional support if you find your experiences too overwhelming, impossible to deal with or if you are having thoughts or experiences that may harm you and others around you. Self responsibility implies: ensuring one is able to respond to one's actions and experience, it implies recognizing that one's actions have consequences, it implies that one ensures our thoughts or experiences do not become a harm to oneself or others, and this begins with being honest about your experience in your mind, body and life and seeing if you would be best supported in this process of standing up from these patterns in you if you had a constant revision by professionals.

Give yourself that ability to stand up from this, takes change, yes, takes will, yes, takes getting out of your comfort zone, by all means, but it's doable. If you find that this is not possible to be done by yourself alone any longer, please consider what I wrote above these two lines.

Take care



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 22 Jul 2016, 04:00

"Hi Hiram - have you considered changing your name to 'Process User 5', for example, so that it no longer shows up and we can direct your posts on the forum?."
I am no longer concerned with hiding anything I've written or will write on the forum. it is cool that it remains under my name and for everyone to see. and I mean I'm cool with leaving ALL of my posts on the forum under my name - hiram noe hernandez/hiramnoehernandez. I actually have 2 accounts here on the forum. hiram noe hernandez, and hiramnoehernandez. can you put the hiramnoehernandez account posts on the 'hiram no hernandez' account so that it's all in the 'hiram noe hernandez' account so that I have only one account?



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Maite
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby Maite » 23 Jul 2016, 17:05

Cool Hiram.

There is no easy way to merge two user accounts, so you can simply continue to use one of the two - they are so similar there is not really confusion that you are one and the same person ;).



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 29 Jul 2016, 00:35

Wednesday 7/13/16
f mys
looking for self completion outside oelf:

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for myself outside of myself. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself get caught up in frustration in wanting to know who i am/ not knowing who i am. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become consumed with/by/as anxiety. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself and in/as that lose myself in desperation. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get/be/become caught up in/as judging myself for accepting and allowing myself to not know who i am. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself by accepting and allowing myself to think of others instead of aacetping and allowing myself to be here with myself/ as myself.

when and as i see myself going and getting caught up on loosing myself in thinking about others, i stop, i breathe. i realize that what is real is me here. i realize that i am self sabotaging myself by accepting and allowing myself to be so focused on and paranoid about others as the relationships i have and see towards others, because in getting lost in that i am missing myself which is what i need to be complete, that's where self fulfillment begins/starts and esentialy comes from, from 'self'. thus i commit myself to walk a process of self fulfillment/ self completion/ self expansion/ self growth/ self intimacy/ self forcus/ by dedicating more time to myself and being with myself. more specifically, when and as i see myself loosing my directiveness and going into thoughts about others, i stop going into those thoughts and i bring myself back here, with me, where i am, and i continue to dedicate myself and my time to myself, here.

Friday 7/15/16

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing other humans' accepted and allowed acceptance.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i need other human beings to accept me.

Thursday 7/21/16
i forgive myself for accepting nd allowing myself to believe I'm a fuckin loser. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe i am a fuckin loser because i don't have sex with women. i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself losing myself, my self integrity, and self respect, judging myself as a fuckin incompetent loser doomed for/to be a fuckin failure.

Saturday 7/23/16
self-acceptance: as recognizing the problem to then be able to solve it:
some minutes ago i accepted and allowed myself to drink a bottle of cough medicine. before that i masturbated to picture images eventually after looking at them. i has already ejaculated but i made myself drink the medicine anyways, even tho my initial excuse was not there anymore, as in- to masturbate to picture images(porn) so then what is really going on here? why did i not honor myself? a part of me still wanted to carry-out drinking the medicine. some words that come/came up are 'guilt-beating, 'self-spite', 'self-hatred' or 'self-judgment', even if/though it was not an overwhelming energetic emotional experience when i was like "I'm still gona do it".
what is it that i really need to have a look at here?
sunday 7/24/16
what i consider is that i should ditch the cats i feed and even ditch Ana so i allow myself to stand equal to everything and everyone instead of just only to those few beings.

Monday 7/25/16
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put ana before me. that's self-spite.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put another before my self, not realizing that i am wanting to not look at and i am resisting and not yet accepting a part of myself.
i commit myself to look at the jealousy interview at eqafe to further educate myself.



Wednesday 7/27/2016
my perspective on alchemists:
alchemists believe theyre way of doing things is in fact the final solution and in fact the ultimate potential of self-expression. alchemists are busy with a process of mass-genocide. alchemists are very vengeful and use theyre hatred as a weapon to fight those who oppress.
i often blame the alchemists for like killing / eating my life-span and making me ill. I am kind of scared of them. I'm paranoid about them.
the reason for why a part of me wanted to keep in touch with this being(person) by chating with them online every day was because i thought that they could teach me how to not die. i mean i have this illness ...... i realize now that this person was actually probably trying to help me. they probably just couldn't tell my conscious mind this, they could only speak to my subconscious mind. ... alchemists/witches are to my understanding the ones who cause other people to have these illnesses, to an extent, because if they show another person an illness and this other person absorbs it then the person now has this illness.
Thursday 7/28/16
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel attached to anna and in that be sad because she says she cant be with me, in that – denying myself as self honesty not realizing that I don’t need anyone but myself in essense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hink that I don’t really want to live anymore because ana will not be my girlfriend in this life time and I wont get to kis her and feel her and have sex with her and I really want to a lot.
I realize I can/ am able to let go of this idea and these emotions that I think and believe I havestrong feelings for ana. I realize it is me being stuborn and me lying to myself and not allowing and accepting myself to see this for what it really is. I realize that if I just allow myself to give myself the chance to understand this and see what this really in facet is and means – that I won’t be enslaved and stuck to feeling and believing that I am hurt emotionally and that I cannot get over these emotions. I just have to open my eyes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stubbornly lie to myself instead of seeing my emotions and feelings for what they really are, fearing as ‘fear of loss’.
So then what is really happening here?!! What is what I’m experiencing? What does it mean really? I commit myself to walk a process of giving myself the opportunity to see and investigate what what I’m feeling really is so that I can understand, instead of remaining blind by lying to myself and not understanding what it really is.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 31 Jul 2016, 00:01

saturday 7/30/16
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i'm in love with ana.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck and trapped in experiencing this emotional-pain that feels like desire, obsession, madness,rage, .. in my chest and throat and head, in my body which i've defined as attraction to ana.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck and trapped in everyday my starting poin tand my main focus is to try to chat with ana on gmail and be sending her messages and checking over and over if she's replied.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to message ana without having a clear starting point of self honesty.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to keep checking if ana has messaged me instead of allowing myself to stop.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep/continue to message ana and check if ana has messaged me from a starting point of self dishonesty instead of allowing msyelf to stop.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience... to when i thought and considered to close the window where i'm looking / have been looking to see if ana has messaged me: i experienced a burst of overwhelming emotional pain as sadness, hurt, anxiety.
i realize that one thing that is overwhelming me in this experience is anxiety.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize why i am experiencing / why i experience fear to stop constantly checking if ana has messaged me and to just let it go for today and stop being focused on my idea of her and instead focus on me alone right here without desire/desiring to think of ana or talk to some person so i don't have to face and embrace myself here alone.
i realize i can come back to stability here with myself alone if i just allow myself to let go of the fear of letting go of the idea of ana completely for today.
what comes up then when i let go of the idea of ana and my fear of letting it go and i come back to the stability of being whole here with me/my-self alone is - the thought of taking pills (cough and cold pills).



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barbara
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby barbara » 31 Jul 2016, 17:42

Hey Hiram!
what comes up then when i let go of the idea of ana and my fear of letting it go and i come back to the stability of being whole here with me/my-self alone is - the thought of taking pills (cough and cold pills).
That's how the mind works: The fear is a way for the mind to sustain itself from substance, so if you give in to the fear, the mind gets your acceptance and allowance to 'go and feast'. So, if you don't allow yourself to participate in the mind's offering of this emotion as the interpretation of who you are in the moment, it simply presents you with other options. Here again you are able to say 'no, thanks' and keep breathing!

Cool sharing.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 22 Jul 2017, 17:43

9:26 am saturday 7/22/17

limitations of fear as pain
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the experience of fear whith/which is painful determine and define me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be determined and defined by energy as the experience of fear as a pain.
i realize i have accepted and allowed myself to let an idea determin me and limit me because the enrgy of fear as exhaustion which is a form of pain hurts, and thus i allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by an ergetic experience . i realize i can redifine the interpretation i have of this experinece and thus change the way i see and live the word pain. i don't have to fear pain. fear limits me. but pain without fear is just an energetic experinece which doesnt have to define and/or control me, because who i am is an awarenetss that is aware. i am not determined and limited to an idea i have attatchded to the expereience. i can redefine the word pain as not something that includes fear as a reaction of the mind believing the enrgy experience of fear has real control over me. i am in fact able to redifine myself in relation to the word fear as pain as feeling exhausted. i commit myself to not accept and allow the energetic experinece of fear as pain determine and control/limit who i am and what i am able to do and live .when and as i see the eergetic experience of fear with pain, i stop, i breathe, and i realize that fear energy experience doesnt really determine who i am and what/what i live as. i am life. i am not a slave to energy and ideas or memorys. fear as the mind isnt physical , its just energy and can only define/limit the mind. but i am not my mind. i am the phsyical substance that is a stable reality, which is what is real/eternal. i am eternal.



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hiram noe hernandez
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Re: hiram noe hernandez' journey to life

Postby hiram noe hernandez » 22 Jul 2017, 18:06

9:48am saturday 7/22/17
i forgive myelf for accepting and alowing myself to let the expeience of fear as pain control and limit me.
i forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to be defined and determined/limited to an idea attached to an energy of fear and idea as pain to control me.
i forgive yself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am pain/fear, not realizing tht who i really am as awareness is not determined by the mind consciousnes system, whcih is not physical. i realize that what is physical is real and stable. it is not determined/limited the an energetic experience as fear defined as pain. when and i see fear as a pain comming up in my mind i ctop, breathe, i realize it is just an energy and energy is not real or physical/stable. i commit myself to not acccept and allow the enrgy experience as far defined as pain control and determine who /what i am and the descisons i make in this wrorld / my life, and so i am not determined/defined to an energetic experience.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the experience of fear as defined as pain control me and stop me from doing/being who/what i really am as life, which is physical. whaen and as i see myself stopping myself from doing something because i am allowing myself to be controled/limited to fear as pain, i stop, i breathe, i realize that who i am is the phsyical stable reality which is not determined and controled/limited to the energetic experience of fear as defined as pain. pain is not real. i commit myself to accept and allow myself to be free from being defined /determined/limited in what and wo i am/can do because of the energetic experience of fear as pain. thus my deciscion of who i am in one moment is not controled by the energetic experience of fear as a pain. i can feel the fear energetic experience and even if its painful it doesnt determine/create what is real and physical as eternal substance.




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