Tyler's Journey to Life

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 09 Apr 2017, 10:52

Day 22- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL

For further context for this post, see the discussion on the forum: viewtopic.php?f=36&t=8052.

Yes, I can see that the self-decision to move into/as sex is 'clouded' within other uncertainties within my life related to money. Also, not sure if there are real consequences from not having had sex for a long time that are contributing to this sense of urgency to have sex or if I've just built it up in my mind that way. I did hear in a video a while back that that the body requires sex and I can see that it could be an opportunity to ground myself here. But I feel like, compared with others who have had sex regularly/semi-regularly during this long drought for me, I am not stable and ready to move into sex with ease.

I forgive myself for comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define moving into sex easily as more than having resistance to sex.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with S for whom moving into sex is apparently easy, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that we are in different places in our life such that I am dealing with the consequences of long periods of sexual abstinence and social isolation that have resulted in a built up resistance to sex. These issues are my own and I am capable of dealing with them myself. I commit myself to explore redefining sex on my own terms so that when I decide to have sex it is within the principle of what is best for all.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 15 Apr 2017, 15:09

Day 23- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL (Part 2)

The format I've used to redefine this word can be found here: https://juneroca.com/words/redefining-words/
Gathering information stage
Self-allocation:
My current experience towards sex is that of suppression and avoidance. So, from a polarity perspective, sex has a negative charge. It is something I avoid. The last sexual experience I had was something I’ve defined as negative. So was the one before that.

Dictionary definition:
1. sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse
2. a person’s genitals 3. Either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and many other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions 4. the fact of belonging to one of the sexes 5. the group of all members of either sex 6. determine the sex of 7.present something in a more interesting or lively way 8. arouse or attempt to arouse someone sexually

Sounding of the word:
s (quiet) ex (past lover)
sects (groups of people) s (she) ecs (enviornment) shecks (money) sh (quiet) ects (and so on) sex (racy)


Investigation stage
I have associated a negative polarity with the word Sex as I have come to see sex as a burden or obligation in my world. I have thus deliberately suppressed and avoided sex due to wanting to avoid the negative consequences possible by having sex. One thing where I can see my definition is different- and actually departs in a negatively consequential way- from the dictionary definition is where sex is used to define the two sexes based on their reproductive functions. Thus implies that sex is natural for either of the two sexes as it is simply utilizing our reproductive organs in a pleasurable way. So, in defining sex according to a negative charge and therefore suppressing it, I have been denying myself the natural expression of sex that is inherent in being a human male.

One more aspect of suppression here has to do with fears related to pregnancy, fatherhood, etc. In engaging in sexual activity with another, that carries a risk of pregnancy or contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Thus, I feel the need to suppress, for example, spontaneous unprotected sex due to these thoughts and negative emotions associated with for example pregnancy and disease.

Another aspect of suppression I have participated within in relates to presenting something in a more interesting or lively way where I’ve come to recognize the social tendency to use sex to sell consumer goods. Thus, I have suppressed participating in sex as something that can be enticing/racy/arousing because i have gotten too far into the mentality of rejecting anything I see as remotely morally questionable, such as sex in advertising. Within this, however, I’ve failed to realize that all of these expressions, be it raciness or arousal or enticement, are also mine to express in that they are not owned by the corporations that have temporarily utilized them to make money. In doing so, I have denied myself certain expressions just because there can be a connection made between them if they are expressed by me and the way advertisements are structured.

The consequences I have wrought through suppressing sex have been that I have denied my body the expression of sex. While I may have been successful in avoiding negative things like negative emotions, diseases, and pregnancy, I have also not been able to work through where I am in relation to these things. 

Within the sound I see s (quiet) ex (past lover). This is quite interesting considering my tendency to suppress sex as I see this as wanting to quiet the negative emotions I have attached to sex through memories with past lovers.

So i can see that sex is just a natural function of our physical bodies but I have tried to suppress it to avoid negative emotions I’ve attached to it either through personal experience or in rejecting the presentations of companies trying to make money by sexing things up. I've also suppressed sex within the guise of avoiding fatherhood and disease, although this usually comes up as backchat after I've already suppressed sex.

Creative stage
s- quiet
ex- past lover
Sex - An experience where I quiet past lovers.
An experience where I try to suppress memories of past sex acts.
The negative emotions of past sexual acts.
Creating negative consequences for myself through a natural expression of my body
Feeling like I have to use sex to create a certain experience for myself in which I must avoid negative experiences.
My sexual definition.
An experience where pleasing she in her environment is a burden
An experience that cannot be had unless I have money because a woman doesn’t want to have sex with someone without money
Something women want to engage in from an energetic form while I want to engage in it from a physical expression standpoint and thus a point of conflict in my world.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 17 Apr 2017, 07:43

Day 24- Redefining SEX Within What's Best for ALL (Part 3) - Self-Forgiveness

In the previous post I was walking a process of exploring where I stand in relation to the word SEX using the tools explained here: https://juneroca.com/words/redefining-words/

Within this post I shall be applying self-forgiveness on what I came up with in the 'Creative Writing' section of the previous post, pasted here for reference.

Creative stage
s- quiet
ex- past lover
Sex - An experience where I quiet past lovers.
An experience where I try to suppress memories of past sex acts.
The negative emotions of past sexual acts.
Creating negative consequences for myself through a natural expression of my body
Feeling like I have to use sex to create a certain experience for myself in which I must avoid negative experiences.
My sexual definition.
An experience where pleasing she in her environment is a burden
An experience that cannot be had unless I have money because a woman doesn’t want to have sex with someone without money
Something women want to engage in from an energetic form while I want to engage in it from a physical expression standpoint and thus a point of conflict in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat sex as an experience where I try to quiet memories of past sexual experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created a negative energetic charge around memories related to past experiences of sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the behavioral pattern of suppression of sex as a way of trying to avoid those negative emotional charges related to sex I've had in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating negative consequences for myself through sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fearing negative consequences for myself through sex implies I have defined sex negatively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sex negatively as it relates to those negative emotional charges related to memories I have stored as negative experiences within my mind.
I forgive myself for then allowing and accepting myself to seek to use 'sex' to avoid negative experiences by placing it within a paradigm of perfection where the only way I allow myself to have sex is if the circumstances are absolutely perfect, and in doing so avoiding sex entirely as these circumstances never materialize.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe sex can exist within perfect circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe sex is a burden that requires pleasing another without achieving satisfaction for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex without having money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having sex with a woman who has not applied self-forgiveness for approaching sex from an energetic self-indulgence point of view.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 16 May 2017, 07:23

Day 25- Confidence: Is it Real?

It’s interesting, because self-confidence has for a long time been one of those traits that I attributed to myself. But as the quantum physical process wears on and I am tested on my decisiveness, I realize that the confidence I defined myself with/as was actually an aspect of a personality system. As such, whatever degree of confidence I have possessed hasn’t actually translated into tangible action to create heaven on earth. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am confident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that believing I was confident implied that I am not confident.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be confident because of fearing what others may do to me if I express myself confidently and because of fearing what I may have to go through if I stand by my confidence while acting to create a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others may do/think/say towards/about me if I act confidently and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the emotional experience of defeat to the memory of confidently stating what I wanted to do with my life in my childhood and being laughed at.

I forgive myself that Have accepted and allowed myself to attach the emotional energy of anger to the memory of being laughed at for confidently stating what I wanted to do with my life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a state of blame towards those who explained to me that it was unrealistic for me to have that dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remember that it was explained to me that it was my lack of discipline and dedication that made it unrealistic to achieve that goal and to use that explanation to become more disciplined and dedicated.

When and as I see myself believe I am confident, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this confidence is an energy: it is not real.

I commit myself to explore and live the word confidence for real.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 23 May 2017, 08:24

Day 26- When you’re single-handedly stopping the forward progress of the physical process in your mind

Have you ever believed within your mind, within yourself, that you were somehow responsible for holding the world back? Yes, getting to learn about the mind and yourself can be overwhelming; it brings up all sorts of negative stuff inside of you that you may feel ashamed or guilty about. That’s normal.

However, at least for myself, I noticed a tendency to then go into this experience that I had so much power within my mind that I was able to, simply through thinking, project out into the universe something which was capable of stopping all forward progress towards/as what’s best for all. That somehow my fallibility is so monumental it could hurt the whole world. But let’s look at that idea: is it even true?

Within the moment it may seem like that idea is actually playing out in reality. Your mind may create 3-dimensional imagery that suggests you are doing that the to world. The important thing is to stop, remember to use breathing, forgive yourself for the thought, and then continue on. You will soon realize that the idea occupying you and your mind was just that: an ephemeral thought that wasn’t actually interfering with the fate of the entire world.

That’s why it’s important to practice self-forgiveness. The more you are familiar with self-forgiveness, even in writing, the easier it will be to stop oneself in such moments. That’s why I suggest check out DIP Lite where you will get an online buddy who’s gone through the process themselves to walk with you as you learn about the different thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories that can occupy our minds and how to apply structured writing of self-forgiveness to recognize and thus take responsibility for these things. Check it out today!



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 26 May 2017, 10:51

Day 27- Triggered by the Environment

A person in my environment coughs regularly and I have reacted to this within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to J's coughing within annoyance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by coughing, when it could simply be a reaction to J’s environment or for any other reason: I’m sure if they were aware of and in control of their bodies they wouldn’t choose to cough consistently, especially if they knew it was disturbing someone in their environment.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize being annoyed by coughing indicates I am afraid of confrontation and also compare myself to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that I fear confrontation because I fear not surviving within the context of ego-as-self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear surviving as ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ego, where the only thing that I base my opinions and actions on is myself.

When and as I see myself react to J coughing in annoyance, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I cannot control my environment but rather can view the 10,000 things as straw men and choose within a moment whether to direct myself as life or fall subject to the fickle machinations of my preprogrammed existence.

I commit myself to demonstrate courage through self-direction.

When and as I see myself judge J for coughing, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this person may have their own reasons for coughing.

I commit myself to exercise compassion through leadership.

When and as I see myself fearing confrontation, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that confrontation is a gift within this world where leaders are able to utilize the preprogrammed nature and structure of the human mind-being-substance relationship to create change through directing the situation in ways that is best for all. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide through the avoidance of confrontation where I know within myself that the problematic preprogrammed structure of the world will always allow me to not face myself. When and as I see myself give up on directing a point to completion, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that there is limited time to make a difference in this world. 

I commit myself to utilize the limited nature of preprogrammed existence as the gifted opportunity to be a leader in the world.

When and as I see myself existing as ego, where the only thing I allow myself to be concerned with is my own opinion, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this opinion is of the mind and so not real unless it is cross-referenced in reality where the mathematical evidence takes precedence. And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the nature of this world is based largely not in facts but in the mind of beings abdicating responsibility for life and thus will continue to be subject to change either by myself or by others moving without me.

I commit myself to not wait until it’s too late to move myself but prepare myself to be a leader.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 02 Jul 2017, 07:24




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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 18 Oct 2017, 07:58

Do You Always Cancel Plans? This Might Explain Why

Suggest to view this post at the above link as it includes links on certain terms which didn't translate when I copy-pasted the text here.

Tonight I’ve been experiencing a recurring pattern for myself in which I get the idea within my head that I should not do something. It’s like this signal I get from ‘somewhere’ but instead of always recognizing it as coming from inside my head, I see, realize, and understand that I define it partially as influenced by external reality. I will from this post go into more detail as to the exact nature of this participation-pattern, explain some of it’s components, and show how self-forgiveness and self-corrective application like breathing can be useful in stopping-participating in a pattern like this and can, when done correctly, actually lead to a transcendence of the point. For more on this check out Living Words .

So, what this idea comes from and presents itself as is a mixture of internal dialogue and the belief that the external quantum reality is ‘coloring’, so-to-speak the moment where I believe that I have somehow tuned into what reality-at-large apparently needs within that moment. It’s almost like a ball game, so-to-speak, where I have the ball and in order to help humanity/existence within a moment, I sort of have to ‘juke out’ or ‘trick’ people so I can emerge in a new and unexpected place. Thus, by cancelling my plans, I will create the necessary momentary pause or confusion that will allow me to, in the ensuing chaos, emerge with something representing a plan/lesson.

So I’ll experience this pattern as the sudden urge to cancel plans. For example, I have a commitment to meet up with a friend or family member or I committed to working at a job on a certain day in the next week. The way the pattern usually begins is I experience brief moments of anxiety. These moments are those hesitation-moments where I consider the event coming up in my life and experience the negative emotion of hesitation to this thing. A single thought creeps into my mind regarding my preconceived ideas or perception about this thing that I am committed to doing. Maybe I shouldn’t.

Maybe I Shouldn’t

So the thought is the initial, triggering event in the overall pattern which includes not only the thought about the thing I am going to do but then the negative emotional experience associated with that thought. Then, I may go into repression. I am fairly used to this pattern by now and so sometimes I am actually finding myself trying to just ignore it/hope it goes away.

And, this is where it’s important to understand a little about thoughts and the mind. As I mentioned, the triggering event is a thought, but it is related to what I already believe about the event or thing I am doing to do. As in, before the thought even emerges within my conscious awareness, it has been being ‘prepared’ by my mind consciousness system. Thus, my subconscious/unconscious participations as emotions and feelings, thoughts and reactions related to the thing that I committed to doing are already existent within me and form the possible matrix of how I would react to the thing coming up.

And this is what’s interesting about this, as it relates specifically with Depression, which I have been diagnosed with and Sunette presented a very detailed video about explaining how Depression operates in relation to the Mind Consciousness System on a structural/resonant level Within Depression, your mind consciousness system actually collapses. And it collapses in such a way as to actually cause you to be trapped in the experience of negative emotions rather than experiencing a greater balance between negative, positive, and neutral experiences. Thus, as someone who has suffered through depression, I have extensive experience dealing with the negative emotional side of the mind consciousness system and this gives me a good perspective on the negative, repressive side of this pattern.

So, as I mentioned at the beginning of this section, once the hesitating thought comes in, and as I experience the negative emotional experience attached to that thought (for more about how thoughts and emotions are connected, I recommend to take the DIP Lite course), I am sometimes then drawn into a behavioral dimension where I physically avoid the thing to which I had committed. This can take the form of literally calling/texting whoever it was I had made plans with and cancelling. [This pattern had gotten so bad and so out of control, I’ve actually quit jobs because of it. I became homeless, twice, because of a desire to avoid certain things in my life which I believed were bad for me. If you are participating in such a pattern, I suggest you get help. Depending on the severity of it, you might need to see a doctor.]

Then, either way, the behavioral dimension consists of either doing or not doing the thing to which I had earlier committed. Either way, I almost always experience the backchat dimension. This is the additional mind chatter that goes on usually in hindsight when participating within a pattern or looping behavior. Backchat exists in the form of a sort of continuous dialogue of thoughts that together create beliefs about the pattern.

When you do something you know you shouldn’t do or don’t do something you wish you had, you may experience backchat. “It doesn’t matter that I did it, everybody makes mistakes.” “My internal dialogue was telling me to avoid the thing, it was probably better to avoid it.” “The universe was telling me to do x or not do x”1

When I quit my jobs and when I was homeless, I experienced myself as subject to a situation out of my control. While I actually experienced those reactions due to pre-programmed, pre-existing mind consciousness structures within me, afterwards I was able to justify my own behavior with blame towards those around me for causing an untenable situation which ‘forced’ my hand.

Breath

Anyway, recently I have been quite busy at work and taking on multiple clients and so my mind, darling thing that it is, decided to rear it’s head in the form of hesitation towards actually following through with my work commitments. If I can catch the thoughts as they come up, I can stop. I can breath, check in with myself- am I here? Become aware that I am physical, present here, and then move through the thoughts and avoid allowing the negative emotional experience to drag me into a behavioral reaction of avoidance.

And, when I’ve committed to these jobs, I’ve been sometimes pleasantly surprised. Previous backchat around such points was experienced as affirmation of my avoidant behavior and justified my not doing the thing. With enough backchat attached to enough of these loops where I actually avoided doing things, they built into beliefs that it was actually better that I had avoided doing those things. Whether or not these beliefs were true is impossible to know, as I didn’t follow through with those things and so there is no point in reality to cross-reference. But, thus is the nature of the mind: it is capable of getting you to believe the thing you are experiencing is actually true when it is not so in reality.

Of course, there have also been challenges when I’ve followed through with previous commitments, but that goes along with any real life situation and doesn’t preclude doing things. In fact, from a certain perspective, my avoidant behavior could be linked to actually wanting to avoid theses challenges associated with the tasks and not the tasks themselves.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that certain tasks will be bad for me.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that believing certain tasks will be bad for me implies that I have been lured into participating in a mind-pattern that consumes me so wholly as to actually get me to believe that something which hasn’t happened yet can simply be “bad” or “good”.2

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to, in such moments, realize that I am stuck within an experience of the mind because I am in a polarized negative reaction to something.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that, once I am within this polarized negative reaction, the mind pattern has already begun. Meaning, while I experience the initial Thought within my conscious mind as if were organic, in actuality it already existed as part of the mind consciousness system pattern within and as me as an expression of myself from which I have separated myself. I see, realize, and understand that the external thing in my reality ‘intruded’ on my Mind Bubble I was in and triggered a reaction according to what was preexisting in my mind that resonated with the thing to which I committed.

When and as I see myself experiencing a mind reaction in relation to a future task, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to not be subject to the whims and energies of the mind, but to move myself through what is required of me on a physical level to support myself within my world.

I forgive myself for, when and as I experience a negative emotional experience related to the thought of having to do something in my reality, and I then go into a reaction of cancelling/avoiding/suppressing the thing I had planned to do, instead of following through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand how the multiple, simultaneously occurring loops of avoidance within my life accumulated to a point of Depression, which I define here as the inability to properly support oneself within one’s life due to avoidant and/or self-sabotaging behavior.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that multiple individual avoidances related to multiple points in my external reality coexisted within me to form the subconscious and unconscious aspects of this pattern such that Avoidance seeped into all aspects of my life on a Thinking, emotional, and Behavioral level to the point where I was overwhelmed with suppression.

I forgive myself for also not allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that I added an additional level to this avoidance on an sub- and unconscious level where I would actually sleep during the daytime and stay awake at night.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that, while I wasn’t sure why I was experiencing such a strange sleeping pattern, in actuality it was another avoidant pattern where only being awake in the middle of the night allowed me to avoid/limit nearly all human interaction.

1That is a really popular and also powerful one. When you experience backchat as the belief that external factors are/are not supporting your decision. This is especially experienced as blame/spite where the perceived behavior/beliefs/attitude of those in our reality serve as justification for our own reaction to a situation.

2As mentioned, as someone afflicted with Depression, I have tended to be drawn more heavily into believing things to be “bad”. Rarely in the past years have I experienced things to be falsely good which indicate that that portion of my mind consciousness system had actually collapsed. Thus, I rarely projected positive feelings onto things but moreso was stuck in the negative experiences of the mind and this tended to correspond, for one reason or another, to avoiding doing things. Other Destonian blogs might provide more relatable stories such as those of going into too much positive energy in relation to things (to then be disappointed).




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