Tyler's Journey to Life

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 13 May 2015, 02:31

Day 56- Redefining Success

Absolute consistency. I have been looking at this point in my process and need to define it for myself here.

From the dictionary, consistency is:
noun, plural consistencies.

1.

a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc.:
The liquid has the consistency of cream.

2.

steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.:
There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

3.

agreement, harmony, or compatibility, especially correspondence or uniformity among the parts of a complex thing:
consistency of colors throughout the house.

4.
the condition of cohering or holding together and retaining form; solidity or firmness.
What I immediately notice about this definition is the definition of harmony and agreement, wherein consistency is defined as having achieved compatibility between all parts. I hadn’t really considered this definition of consistency. I had more considered it within the personal realm as like a judgement of my own effectiveness bound by the belief that I was not capable of more than a certain, limited level of success. Here, I’d like to expand my definition of consistency to include all parts within and without, where it is not a personal judgement lodged at myself or others, but rather a measure of the functioning of myself in my reality.

I can see that I have avoided living this expression in/as my life, partly tied to this image of myself as young and not unequivocally capable of success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define success as ‘the other’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from success as ‘the other’.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that separating myself from success and defining it as outside of myself, I was not seeing, realizing, and understanding its potential as an expression of/as myself, but allowing and accepting myself to be controlled by the manifestation of success within my mind, instead of understanding this internal concept of success as a source of inspiration in then moving myself to translate my inner vision of success into the literal, actual condition of success manifested in PHYSICAL REALITY.
I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to realize how the different functions/parts of an aspect of a personality/behavior pattern in my mind themselves function as an effective system of not actually allowing myself to achieve real world success. I have thus reached the epitome of limitation: by allowing and accepting myself to be controlled by various energies as positive and negative feelings and emotions associated with an imagining or a thought ABOUT something I WOULD LIKE to gain success with, I do not even realize that I am spending time and energy trapped into these fantasies and energetic reactions— INSTEAD of actually going out and accomplishing these things in physical reality.

When and as I see myself defining myself as ‘the other’, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize and understand that success is when the internal and external conditions of my reality are characterized by success, creating the harmonic expression of success as me defined by this success within and without in every moment of breath. Furthermore, I see and realize and understand that these conditions of internal and external success, characterized by health and material self-support, are only able to be created through the internal version of it.
When and as I see myself separating myself from success as defined by my mind and having parallel energies of emotions and feelings and thoughts and perhaps a memory/memories related to this idea of success, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that this separation is me experiencing separation from/as the word success WITHIN me, where I am not actually separate from success/the conditions of creating my own success, but continue to inhabit an abundant world in which the conditions for creating that success and I are one (equal). I commit myself to achieve external success by moving myself from a possession of/as the aspects of my mind that I have created around the idea of success as something separate, in fact, from me, into/as actual success expressed in reality where I am, once again, one and equal with/as this success, within and without: I embody its expression.

When and as I see myself separating myself from success and defining it as something outside of myself, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize my potential to create/manifest success in my reality and commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to be controlled by the idea of success. Instead, I commit myself to realize my potential for creating external success through/as myself, so that it becomes the reality within and without. Within this, I commit myself to see/realize/understand that I must define for myself what my participation in reality can/will be, in such as way as to include myself as a self-aware participant within/as success, no more accepting and allowing separation of myself from/as success, but coming to embody it fully.

When and as I see that I have become possessed by a mind construct/mind constructs RELATED to success, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that the mind is vast and multidimensional and there will always be multiple dimensions attached to a point. I thus commit myself to investigate ALL the dimensions attached to a point through self-writing and self-forgiveness to then give myself to opportunity to transcend a mind-controlled version within which I’ve participated as the behavioral aspect of a complex of energies and aspects of the mind consciousness system’s program related to this point of success. In this way, I can dismantle this complex, piece by piece, to no more accept and allow it to have power over/as me.
Instead, I accept and allow a new reality in which, after investigating all the points/aspects/dimensions associated with a point in the mind, I then script a new reality for myself in which these aspects do not together constitute a program/pattern/behavior that limits me, but that I’ve mapped for myself a new way of living/being/expressing.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 13 May 2015, 14:36

Day 57- Avoidance: Memory Dimension (Part 3)

“Instead, I accept and allow a new reality in which, after investigating all the points/aspects/dimensions associated with a point in the mind, I then script a new reality for myself in which these aspects do not together constitute a program/pattern/behavior that limits me, but that I’ve mapped for myself a new way of living/being/expressing.” –Day 56- Redefining Success

I’m going to pick up on the Unsuccessful Character. This character doesn’t believe that success is likely or possible. Instead, the unsuccessful character has been created from a memory within and as my mind as a way for me to trap myself into not being consistent or effective in my reality.

I have a Memory within and as me of my mother laughing at me and telling me I wasn’t disciplined enough in order to be successful as a professional soccer player. I love soccer at the time and enjoyed being relatively good at it. Thus, upon then reacting within the suppression of striving towards or achieving this goal, I instead created this weird energy around the idea/concept/reality of success. Instead of seeing success as a measurable and definable thing consisting of concrete goals against which one can measure oneself as one strives to achieve this goal, I created a weird sort of giddy positive energy towards success. I have long since suppressed my expression of/as success, believing that who I am as the mind is undeserving of this success. Having slipped into Depression, I stopped even feeling the positive energies in/as relation to success and was completely consumed by, for example, self-limiting thoughts to/towards success, and emotions like ‘I have been betrayed’, ‘I am unloved’, ‘no one cares about what is best for me’.

Thus, based upon a belief/fear that I wasn’t good enough to become successful, based upon a Memory and its reactions to being told I couldn’t be successful within what I had dreamed, I have now created this entire vast personality program that even turned into avoidance behavioral patterns where I avoid socializing with people. This only creates consequences that serve to create energetic reactions that: serve to feed and perpetuate the program to: you guessed it, keep me trapped in a cycle of negative/neutral reactions to/towards the point without ever giving myself the chance to live/express the point in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear success.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that fearing success implies that I have create a personality program around avoiding success based upon a resistant to the negative emotional energies I’ve built up and failed to release around the idea of success. As my feelings are nearly completely suppressed within and as me, I have experienced the rather boring reality of switching between thoughts, essentially neutrally charged pictures as images that are meant to resemble the real thing, but are merely experienced within 3-D by the being within the mind, and emotions, which are negative experiences.

I forgive myself for holding onto resentment towards my mother for the memory I have of her telling me that I couldn’t become a professional soccer player.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I’ve used and utilized this initial Memory to/towards achieving success, the expression of which was rejected by the external reality I knew and subsequently suppressed, imprinted, contained, and stored within and as me, to create a Personality System of the Suppressed Character.

When and as I see myself participating in a Character of Suppression/Depression, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize and understand that this Depression Character does not serve me but consists of the energies I’ve created around the initial negative emotional reaction I had of anger and betrayal to being told I could not become a successful professional soccer player, despite believing initially in myself that it was capable.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize how I have, since that time forward, participated in the behavioral dimension of this Character System by not even attempting to achieve Success in anything that truly would have furthered who I am as a being.

Thus, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize how this Depressed Character is related to the Avoidance Character, where, instead of actively going out and seeking interactions that would influence me to transcend my stuckness in my internal and external realities, I avoid socializing and thus having to expose myself altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the emotional energy of guilt as it relates to avoidance to possess me wherein I have accepted and allowed this negative emotional energy of guilt to direct me to participate in physical avoidance of people- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding how, why and specifically in what ways this construct has been created in my life and what I can do to avoid repeating the consequences of it again.

I thus forgive myself for allowing myself to disempower myself in relation to the emotional energy of guilt for avoiding people, allowing myself to revel in the negative emotional energy of disempowerment- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have thus indicated that I am giving my power away to an emotion- just energy in my mind- and that I can in fact change my behavior to no more participate in avoidance for the sake of continually participating my participation in negative emotional energies of self-pity and guilt and fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in short-term feeling-energy fixes as a way of temporarily reprieving myself from the constant and continuous shifting from neutral thoughts to emotions, whereby I have, instead of taking care of myself in my reality, I have relied upon and become addicted to and dependent upon for the my beingness’ sake, these vices as cigarettes and pot and coffee and alcohol.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize how it is that fear of failure as part of this unsuccessful character has prevented me from attempting anything that would transcend this state of lacking success.

Self-Correction

When and as I see myself fear success, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that this fear is part of a mind-consciousness system program and thus = not real. I bring myself back to reality with the breath and commit myself to no more be directed by these negative emotions to/towards Success, but to see and realize the sound energy of Sex within Success inasmuch as living both worlds: Success, that is, and Sex, by living in these worlds I am gifting myself the understanding and realization and demonstration of my recognition of the relationship between success and sex: in how, due to how our reality is constitued, one is required to both: A)Become successful and B)Have a healthy sex life.

Suggest check out the Relationship Success Course at Desteniiprocess.com or the relationship success tools available on Eqafe.com: Sex & Relationships.

Finally, I would recommend to check out the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs for examples of self-corrective writing and the application of self-change within/as reality as this place we all share.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 16 May 2015, 01:46

Day 58- Don't Stare

A point I want to take a look at is this one of fear of judgement in relation to self-expression. Here, I fear being judged by another when/as I express myself.

A specific example where this manifests is in relation to finding a job. I have been pretty antisocial for the last few years. This, despite being in the restaurant industry for 8 years and considering myself a naturally social person. So, as I am considering applying for positions with restaurants, this irrational fear comes up in which I project about being seen as unhireable because of/due to having been antisocial for so long. Here, instead of trusting myself to apply myself towards a job in every moment, I am accepting and allowing myself to create this entire scenario within my mind where I was not careful enough to consider the consequences of being antisocial for so long where I might run into some difficulty communicating with a person who might hire me. Meanwhile, I do not even know that it is true that I am unqualified for a job in the service industry. However, rather than apply myself to find out if people want to hire me, I am accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self-expression because of/due to a fear within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be judged as unhireable because I have not communicated well with someone in so long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to be more attentive to my relationship with my physical reality, taking care to make sure that I have accounted for both my inner and outer realities in such a way as to create a stability for/as myself from which I may then act.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the illusion that I must rush/hurry/not take care to do my best in applying myself to/towards a job, for fear of these jobs “going to someone else” leaving me in an imagined scenario of joblessness.

Thus, I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see, realize, and understand how it is I have used fear of being judged for my self-expression within being possessed by a program within/as my mind to actually suppress my own self-expression. It’s like I do not allow the thing I fear to even become a possible scenario in my reality by avoiding it altogether and this disallows me from moving myself to test new applications of myself in my world.

I can see that related to this is a point of competition within and as which I compare my self-expression to/as another and go into a similar behavioral suppression based upon the fear of judgement/self-judgement to/towards not being as good as another. Here, I can see this relates to my relationship with/as authority within which I’ve participated throughout time. Within this relationship to/as authority, I’ve defined someone/something outside of myself as better than me at communicating. While this relationship may spill over into other areas/skills/parts of and as my life, a specific example of defining myself as less than occurs within the realm of communication.

This point of being a bad communicator is based upon memories I have of me in trying to initiate change in my reality and facing resistance. Then, I didn’t really believe in myself- or rather- I hadn’t yet created the conditions within myself to be effective in creating change. So, although the subject matter may have been good, I wasn’t effective in communicating to the other person in such a way as to inspire our harmonious co-movement to/towards achieving such a point. Rather, they resisted and I went into self-judgement where I believed that there must have been something fundamentally wrong with me in order to create such a condition as a failure to communicate. There must be others out there who are better at communicating, I believed.

These negative beliefs to/towards myself turned into an actual visceral fear that I would mess something up if I communicated. Behaviorally, I learned to become quiet and antisocial. Many people have commented to me that I am “quiet” or “it seems like I am staring at them/their beingness”. While I accepted this characterization to a certain extent, inside of myself I told myself it was because I was more ‘still’ or ‘deep’ than the other and thus more comfortable remaining in silence/maintaining eye contact. I had never considered that, over time, by choosing not to communicate, I was actually busy building up a pattern of silence such that, when I got into new situations, my resonance was sort of programmed to be silent, quiet, not say much. Having a rather sharp mind, I tuned in to what was being said, and unless I judged it to contain sufficient portent, I would usually disregard what was being said. The idea of a normal, comfortable, casual conversation was all but lost to me. This is probably why people felt like I was “staring into their souls” when I was in conversation with them: I was waiting for the conversation to become ‘worthy’ of my participation.

And, it’s interesting, because this sort of silent participation is also just a consequence of the ‘Witness’ aspect of the mind consciousness system wherein, without even realizing it, my unconscious and subconscious mind is constantly and continually running a program to determine if oneself or one’s surroundings pose a threat to/as it. It become easy to get caught in the energies of these programs as thoughts, feelings, and emotions and then to forget that you are really present here with the person/people and, yes, you can actually participate!

More on this later.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 17 May 2015, 03:31

Day 59- Who am I Within Self-Doubt?

AS I sit here I face a resistance to writing. I wanted to take a break from cleaning my place to do some writing but when I sat down, nothing. I have been experiencing anxiety towards my money situation, considering that I am down to about one month’s rent and still jobless. I experienced regret towards not being better with my money before. At the same time, I have experienced anxiety towards placing myself in yet another job that doesn’t suit me well. Today, I went to a place I used to work- a restaurant- to get a burger.

While I was in this place, I looked at the people working and could tell that the anti-employee atmosphere that contributed to my misery while working there hadn’t changed. No one seemed truly happy. I chatted with a former coworker for a while and I observed him while he was talking to some customers. He is very good, still, at maintaining a demeanor becoming of a service professional- he can chat with anyone and maintain a smile, seemingly disregarding the air of disauthenticity he maintains. I compared this individual with myself and thought that I am simply incapable of becoming so disingenuous. Throughout my time waiting tables, I have never lost my personality as who I really am and actually find it obnoxious and condescending when servers talk down to customers by not being ‘real’ with them. However, this server is incredibly successful, worked all the best shifts while I was there, and has worked with the restaurant for a long time. I cannot speak on his personal happiness, but the image I had there was that it is required to be fake or to otherwise compromise oneself in dealing with less-than scrupulous bosses/coworkers. I experienced a resistance and a fear to losing myself in such a way if I were to apply myself towards restaurant jobs. I personally appreciate it when a server is authentic/approachable/real, but I experienced doubt within myself towards maintaining authenticity. This is based on not knowing if the industry is in a place where it must maintain this distance between workers and customers.

Another fear I have is in relation to getting fired/not getting hired at a certain restaurant and then eventually not being able to find work as a server in this small city. There are a limited number of restaurants and if I were to somehow make the impression that I am not a good server to have, that could effectively prevent me from getting a job at that establishment for some time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting hired/getting fired from a restaurant in this city, because of not being certain I am capable of presenting a waiterly demeanor and believing I am socially deficient.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be certain I am capable of presenting a waiterly demeanor.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself not realize that not being certain I am capable of presenting a waiterly demeanor implies I doubt my ability to be courteous and professional.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use not being certain I can present a waiterly demeanor to justify fearing not getting hired/getting fired from a restaurant in this city, instead of investigating, writing about, and clearing points related to my doubt about my ability to be courteous and professional.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am socially deficient.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that believing I am socially deficient implies that I base my behavior towards others on my own beliefs and ideas about myself as socially deficient.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am socially deficient- instead of accepting and allowing myself to engage in more social situations so that I can test my social aptitude.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 18 May 2015, 03:30

Day 60- Self-Corrections in Relation to Social Anxiety

In the last post, I did self-forgiveness on some issues around lack of confidence. In this blog I’m going to revisit those self-forgiveness statements and write out the self-commitments and self-corrections.

For more on self-commitments and how they work together with self-forgiveness statements, check out this LIVE Google Hangout with Desteni ‘I’ Process participants: http://desteni.org/member/DesteniIProce ... 0tF1IdRmJY

When and as I see myself fearing not getting hired/getting fired from a restaurant, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear is not who I am. Rather, I commit myself to push through resistances to social interaction.

When and as I see myself exist within uncertainty towards my ability to present a waiterly demeanor, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize and understand that my uncertainty towards my ability to be waiterly is not related to my actual ability to do so. Thus, I commit myself to drop ideas, beliefs, and perceptions about my ability to accomplish goals that require social interaction.

When and as I sees myself doubt my ability to be courteous and professional, I stop and I breathe. I see and I realize that I am capable of remaining stable here in breath and respond in common sense towards another, within which courteousness and professionalism will shine through. I commit myself to remain calm and present within the realization and understanding that I am capable of responding to a situation one moment at a time, easy.

When and as I see myself use uncertainty towards my ability to present a waiterly demeanor to justify fearing not getting hired/getting fired from a restaurant, instead of investigating, writing about, and clearing points related to my doubt of my ability to be courteous and professional, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that self-writing is the only solution to these energies as doubt and uncertainty and so I commit myself to utilize social interactions to expose myself.

When and as I see that I have allowed myself to believe I am socially deficient, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize and I understand that there is a whole spectrum of social behavior and as long as I am not screaming at someone or being pernicious, but exercising common sense within my socializing, it’s unlikely that I will be found deficient in some manner that cannot be corrected. I commit myself to become an excellent communicator.

When and as I see myself basing my behavior towards others on my own beliefs and ideas about myself as socially deficient, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to be directed by such beliefs within socializing. Rather, I commit myself to increase the quality of communication everywhere through developing my own communication skills by engaging in real conversations within which I can receive feedback or flag my own feedback points to then improve my communication skills.

When and as I see myself believing I am socially deficient instead of engaging in more social situations to test and improve my social aptitude, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that social interaction is the coliseum within which I can test my skills and abilities. Thus, I commit myself to engage in social interaction from the perspective of gaining insight into what works, what doesn’t, and where I can improve.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 03 Jun 2016, 15:44

Day 5- My life has seemed to come to exist in really only two modes.

The first is long periods of confusion. During these times, I am unsure as to what I should be doing and even small decisions are difficult; I find myself second guessing or changing my mind about nearly every decision I make. Unfortunately, I am so used to such periods that by this point, I realize that they are only the dark of night before the second type of mode in my life.

The second type of mode my life consists of are intermittent bursts that I call moments-as-opportunities. I can be existing in the darkness of the first type and then, all of a sudden, wham! I am hit with a moment-as-opportunity to make a change in my life. I have seized these moments more than once and both times what was required was that I continued to take specific action to follow up on the initial movement.

I resisted such actions more than once and the result seems to be that the opportunity was lost.

When I have resisted even the initial movement, what has happened is that I seem to get plunged back into the darkness (the first type of life-mode).



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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 11 Jun 2016, 04:41

Day 6- Mental Illness, Homelessness, and Basic Income

A problem that I have been dealing with that also relates to the last post is that I am homeless.

Thus, its almost as if, in addition to being out of the world system, I am also unable to even use the Desteni tools. Where a Destonian would be able to ground themselves in a safe space while at home, for example, or might have access to the internet/be able to use their computer or a light to write at any time, I do not have that luxury.

The very place where I sleep it is likely not legal for me to be there, but I haven't found a better location so that's where I'm forced to stay. For purposes of wanting to keep a low profile, I've found myself having to suppress certain actions that would ground me in my body, actions that would be available to me if I had a place of my own.

It's almost harder being aware of the Desteni materials than not at this point, as it's like I am in a prison unable to use them. At least in prison I would be allowed to utilize the space of my cell to move my body as I like, instead of always crouching down to hide from others who might cause more strife to my life than already exists.

As I work on aligning the body and the mind to even make the tools of self-forgiveness and self-writing workable, it's hard to differentiate between when I am using my circumstances as an excuse through the mind and when I am actually limited by not having my own place, enough money, etc.

I see many homeless people around me- I would say the extent of the problem is far greater than many realize with countless people sleeping in their cars or under highways where they aren't always seen- but for the most part, they are just like other people. Many of them are deliberate in their abdication and just have taken their spite and refusal to stand up so far that they are having to face the extremely difficult circumstances of being homeless in order to learn.

However, there are those of us who are actually unable to work and to socialize like normal people, homeless or not, due to actual mental illnesses as misalignments in the mind-body-being relationship. For these people, there are not many options: many are simply unemployable and so are forced to sleep in the streets and rely upon handouts and whatever public assistance for which they may qualify. Even in the best case scenario, where I for example have been exposed to the Desteni material and so have an inkling of Process and what is going on, the situation doesn't get better.

So, I would say, on behalf of myself and other mentally ill homeless: please, work towards a basic income, change yourselves and thus the system into one that cares for those unable to care for themselves. It's the only chance we've got.



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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 14 Jun 2016, 22:35

Day 7- Obsessive Compulsive Handwashing

A recurring experience that I've had in my reality has to do with obsessive compulsive tendencies. These tendencies are actually a new development as I've never before been so obsessed with certain small aspects of my reality. In fact, as a younger person, I was quite messy and disorganized at times and certainly wouldn't be on the more obsessive spectrum of compulsiveness. Yet, here I am, finding myself bothered by many little things in my reality that didn't bother me in the past.

One example is making sure my hands are 'perfectly' clean. Thus, if I am for example washing my hands and my hand accidentally touches the inside of the sink as I am washing them, the hand washing process is ruined and I am compelled to begin washing my hands once again. When I try to resist such a compulsion, often times the idea that I should go back to the bathroom and rewash sticks with me for a long time. There have been times when I've gone back some time later just to rewash my hands so as to prevent the spread of the dirtiness within whatever activity I am doing.

Sometimes I am able to think-talk my way out of the situation by reasoning that perhaps I would only make the situation worse by going back to the bathroom, picking up some unknown bacteria that I would otherwise avoid if I just got on with my life.

It's funny, because I can think back to my childhood where my mother would constantly have to remind me to wash my hands before a meal- it's like I wouldn't even think about it. Now, it bothers me.

I can see that this obsessiveness has to do with trying to set the stage for the implementation of something new in my life, where I am obsessed with getting the starting point correct and thus, if I can leave the bathroom knowing that my hands are clean, I have set the stage for the new implementation. If I don't get it just right, its like there is no point in doing anything else because I've already begun wrong.



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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 10 Sep 2016, 11:38

Day 8- Are We Ever Really Owed Anything?

Today, I faced the experience of needing to stand up for myself on a certain point or at least direct myself in order to bring the point into reality. Unfortunately, I really needed this point and, after not standing up when I had the opportunity, I am now in a position where I still haven’t done what’s needed to bring stability or what’s best for all through into life. 

As those that’s walked the Mind know, the other thing that happens when you fall on a point is the flood of emotions and thoughts in the form of justifications or excuses that follow as to why you shouldn’t have had to face the point or why the conditions weren’t ‘correct’ for you to have taken advantage of the opportunity. In my case, I am specifically dealing with the point of needing to bring stability through in my life as someone who has dealt with mental illness for a long time. Thus, the excuse has come up within my mind that ‘I shouldn’t have to fight/act/struggle to bring through this point for myself but other people/my family should assist me in creating this point for myself’

Unfortunately, as someone who hasn’t always had the gift of the best support in my life, I’ve learned the hard way that life owes me nothing and its unlikely to afford me even those things all humans would ideally take for granted such as, in my case, stability in terms of access to resources and the time and space necessary to ground myself and move forward with making a decision for myself within common sense principles. Instead, what I’ve experienced within myself is this constant and continuous pushback from reality where nobody was ready and willing to move forward with me as an ally when I was healthy and, now that I’ve experienced a setback, instead of coming to my side and rallying to assist me, even those who are “supposed” to be close to me, as well as others, are the very ones acting to prevent me from gaining any sort of comfort or stability.

Now, this is a complicated situation for me as there is also the fact that those who are close to me and have an idea related to what I’ve gone through also are not equipped to understand/deal with/process what it means for me to have a mental illness. I mean, these are people who weren’t prepared to assist me in my life journey when I had great potential as an extremely intelligent and relatively healthy being- it would be unrealistic for me to expect that they would be prepared to assist me in getting back (at least some, if not all) of that potential from the compromised state I have gotten myself into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the excuse ‘I should not have to stand up for myself’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world or the people in it must give me the experience of stability.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that, in believing the world must give me the experience of stability, I am ignoring not only the ridiculousness of any such belief that someone else must give me anything, but also disregarding the fact that millions of people are in similar if not ‘worse’ situations inasmuch as they lack access to even the basic healthcare, food, or water they need to even continue living.

This is not to diminish the reality of mental illness and the grossly inadequate preparedness of human beings in this world to understand mental illness and assist those suffering from its related problems. However, it is important for me to put into perspective that the stable reality I am seeking is also one that is propped up by the money system and requires me to become a have in a world of have-nots. If anything, this only reinforces the ridiculousness of expecting ANYTHING from other people, as these people are the same who would not budge from their positions of privilege to even support those who are starving at this very moment.



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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

Postby tylersr » 14 Sep 2016, 03:02

Day 9- When Process Threatens to Expand Outside Yourself

What I have been resisting in my reality is communicating in a timely fashion. This is where I have no control over the situation/circumstances within which I find myself and yet the point arises where if I were to be self-honest, I would know what to do. What generally happens is that I resist doing the self-honest right thing to do, sometimes experienced by me in the form of needing to speak up/out to someone my reality. Instead, I will resist and resist this point until it passes. Despite the negative feedback I’ve received through such behavior, it seems as if my preprogramming has predisposed me to resist communicating in ways that will bring about substantial change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist acting on points that involve directing another in my reality, because of fearing retaliation and fearing what would come after acting on such a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the belief within me that I shouldn’t be responsible for acting on points that could direct another in ways that wouldn’t have otherwise considered, due to and because of a belief within me that everyone is on their own in this world and thus helping others should come with some sort of financial or social benefit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear retaliation when directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself not realize that fearing retaliation when directing another in my reality in ways that is best for all implies that I haven’t actually taken on this point for real, but instead of projected my fears and desires on such a point without ever actually having walked it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing retaliation for directing another as myself in this reality to justify resisting acting on points that involve directing another in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing what comes after directing myself as another in my reality implies I am utilizing future projections as an excuse to not take even the first step in walking as what’s best for all, essentially sabotaging my entire process before I even let it begin.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what comes after directing another as myself in my reality —instead of utilizing breath to make sure I am grounded and prepared to take on such a point so that what comes next isn’t negatively consequential but is simply continuing to move into the next point, taking it on, and continuing.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that fearing retaliation and fearing the future indicate that I am only in this process for myself.




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