Day 50- Redefining Value
It seems as if my life has reached a sort of plateau. Not much seems to be going on. I’ve read somewhere that this is an indication that I am not pushing myself in my process.
Something that I am hesitant to commit to is a new job. I can see this is related to negative memories I have of experiences working int the past where I am afraid that I will find myself in another negative situation. One thing that I have thought about in relation to a new job is that it will become apparent to a potential employer that my personal life is not together and he/she will then not want to hire me. Within this scenario, I effectively cut myself off from the opportunity of employment with this company for some time. I set off red flags and then its a no-go from there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing my lack of personal support in seeking a job.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fearing exposing my lack of personal support in seeking a job implies I believe I will then find myself in a situation where I will be forced to walk through the consequences of not having support in my life in front of my potential employer and that this exposure of my consequence will impress poorly upon the potential employer.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus disempower myself by giving my potential employer power over me in terms of deciding the value of a job interview situation to me- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that a job interview is an opportunity to test my effectiveness in communicating and, should it not go well, it is a valuable learning opportunity to do better the next time. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how it is that I have come to define one single job interview/job situation as the end-all and be-all of my employment hunt, where if I fail to secure a job at the first place I look/the place for which I think I want to work, that is a judgement on me as a whole where it must then indicate I am generally unemployable/going to fail in further attempts to seek work.
I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am reacting to seeking a job within the fear of exposing myself as supposedly lacking a social network, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize and understand that my personal life is not what defines me in a fatalistic sense, but that it exists to provide feedback to me in terms of what I must then work on. I therefore commit myself to approach my personal life in terms of a project that needs renovation and use the feedback I receive through interactions such a job interviews to see where I am not yet effectively applying myself.
When and as I see that I am hesitant to apply for a job because I fear that it will cause me to expose myself in a distasteful way to my employer, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that this fear of exposure is preventing me from seeing myself and, thus, learning from my situation. I commit myself to apply for jobs that interest me within the realization and understanding that the feedback I get from those in the job situation can be valuable to me in learning where I need to improve/where I am effective in my application.
When and as I see myself giving my potential employer power over me to determine the value to me of a job interview situation, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize and understand that such situations are an opportunity for me to test the effectiveness of my communication- as effective communication would lead to a job for me if it was workable for both my potential employer and I- nothing more or less than that. I commit myself, thus, to approach a job interview with an ‘open mind’, wherein I commit myself to not draw premature conclusions about the value of committing to an interview but submit myself to this valuable opportunity to learn.
Within this another point opens up where I can see that I have defined the value of a situation, especially such as where I am considering hanging out with someone/ a group, within a polarity of positive/negative. My fears lead me to imagine the hanging-out-time to not go so well and thus result in a negative value for me. There have been times where I have thus decided to NOT hang out with people in order to avoid this ‘debit’ on my life.
In contrast, I only allow myself to commit to situations within which I can perceive a positive value for myself if I were to attend. This, too, is self-limiting as the implication is that self-interest must define what is an acceptable situation within which to place myself. Thus, I am committed to a situation based upon its perceived value to me and therefore, before I even begin participating, I delimit the situation to ‘where I can see it benefits me’ instead of allowing it to evolve naturally into an expression that is best for everyone involved.
I would rather take a step back for a moment and reassess the value of such situations within the consideration that- this world is profoundly consequential as it is. What I mean by this is that our world is characterized by consequence in all aspects as a reflection of the relationships within which we allow ourselves to participate such that we cannot escape the daily reminders of this allowed and accepted existence of consequence. What’s important to realize here is that this outer consequential-existence is also a reflection of the inner existence within each of us and so- it is within this context of manifested consequence, within and without, that we find ourselves attempting to navigate the world.
Thus, by taking a measure of humility, I am able to step back from this dichotomy of avoiding negative-valued interactions and seeking positive-valued interactions to realize that it is exactly this type of limited, self-interested behavior that created and continues to create the consequential existence within which I and others find ourselves.
What would be far better and more ‘valuable’ to me would be for me to “neutralize” or “ground” my assessment of ‘value’ in this world within the context of- what can I learn about myself and how I participate in this world from this situation? Instead of- will this maybe ‘hurt’ me or will this ‘add value’ to my life- I can instead commit to a situation and then, instead of seeking or avoiding a certain outcome, thereby limiting the benefit I can actually receive from the situation, navigate it as best I can and utilize the feedback I get, ‘good’ or ‘bad’, to learn where I am not completely effective in my application and from there, change.
Therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach future situations from the perspective of avoiding a negative situation as I can see that this is limiting my participation in such situations to simply “avoiding a negative imagined scenario”. Within this, I am not allowing myself to potentially expose myself within such situations, immersing myself in them so that I may “meet my maker” as myself as the creator of the self that I am within such situations. By playing the avoiding game, I am not even granting myself to opportunity of the negative experience- I am simply giving myself nothing! There is not much more limiting in this world than nothing.
In contrast, I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to only commit to those situations where I can perceive a ‘positive’ ‘value’ to myself before I even enter them. Here, I can see that this is an attempt at control, wherein I am delimiting the boundaries of the situation before I enter it so that, in case something happens and I decide to pull out- that is, not really fully commit ALL of myself to the situation, but sort of just stand there through it so that I receive the credit from being there without the vulnerability of full participation- I have already determined the positive ‘value’ to me of the situation and therefore it is supposedly worth it to me.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that, by defining a future situation as ‘positive’ and using this as the impetus to participate, I am actually robbing myself of all that could come of such a situation if I were to only stand in there and fully participate (risking exposure), but instead actually “feeding the negative” as it were. By allowing myself a back-door of self-sabotage by saying- well, if things go south and I fail to participate fully- at least I have been smart and made sure the situation has ‘some’ benefit to me, what I am doing is allowing the negative underlying mind-energy that is the real reason for me participating in the situation to remain within and as me as a defining force of my participation in my world, such that the positive benefit I have convinced myself in my mind that I will receive from the situation is my compensation for not giving myself the opportunity/gift of exposing myself and thus learning about myself.
When and as I see myself avoiding a situation that I have defined as having a negative value to me in my mind- I stop and I breathe. I see and realize and understand that avoiding the negative as I have defined it in my mind is actually robbing myself of the opportunity to explore the negative by facing myself and seeing what it is of myself that created the resistance to the situation in the first place. I commit myself to participate in situations that I may define as being a negative for me/ creating negative value in my life, such that I may thus expose myself and learn from the situation/my self in the situation.
When and as I see myself prematurely limiting my participation within a situation by defining it as a benefit/ a ‘positive’, I stop and I breathe. I see and realize that defining situations as a benefit/‘positive’ is only allowing a backdoor for my limited half-participation in them by creating a false-trade-off. Instead, I commit myself to check myself before entering such situations to ensure that I have not limited my participation to ‘getting through it to receive the benefit’ but instead allow myself to participate fully, within the Here-moment, even and especially if such situations provide me the opportunity to expose/see myself and thus learn something new.