Day 34- Fear and Lack of Understanding in relation to Self-Forgiveness: SF and SCS
I have sometimes felt guilty for not doing more to represent myself as a diseased person. I have believed that my mother is of no help in this matter, and also that I have no one with whom I was comfortable sharing the negative aspects of myself. The overall result is a pattern of isolation and suppression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for not doing ‘more’ to represent the parts of myself I have labeled bad/negative/shameful.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that feeling guilty for not sharing the negative aspects of myself implies I created/placed a positive value on sharing these aspects of myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve created a positive value related to things like ‘being genuine’ or ‘making sacrifices in my personal comfort if it means furthering my and so others ‘spiritual’ advancement’, taken together as my Spiritual Character, and so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was chasing more than myself as the positive as doing spiritual-type things and, contrarily, would go into a negative reaction in relation to not fulfilling my ideas of being spiritually superior in relation to others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, in losing myself in this positive-negative polarity of energetic highs and lows, create the belief that I was a special messiah-like character.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to not realize that this special messiah-like character I believed myself to be implies I didn’t/don’t know who I am but instead identified with an image I learned through books/movies as a hero who is supposed to save many people.
Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the belief that I need to save many people implies that I have not realized that each must ‘save’ themselves through realizing themselves through self-forgiveness and self-honesty in every moment as who they really are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the belief I need to save others instead of realizing that I need to ‘save’ myself by realizing myself through self-forgiveness and self-honesty in every moment as who I am.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of self-forgiveness within me.
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that this fear of self-forgiveness is related to not understanding all that is involved with a process of self-forgiveness and has been projected by me as a distrust of those indicating the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, and self-corrective application in breath, where I’ve justified not applying myself within a process of writing myself out through/as this mistrust- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I have not allowed myself to trust myself to utilize the actually very much more simple tools than I’ve imagined being self-writing and self-forgiveness in great specificity and detail.
When and as I see myself fearing self-forgiveness, I commit myself to stop and breathe. I check in with myself again, HERE, and, within the realization and understanding that self-forgiveness is not some abstract, complicated principle, but merely the application of myself, HERE, writing and applying it as me, for REAL, I allow myself to direct myself to push through the resistance I’ve created within/towards writing self-forgiveness out for myself.
I commit myself to, when and as I see myself not understanding something within my process of writing and applying self-forgiveness in self-honesty, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the forum is there for me to utilize within asking questions related to my process, along with many videos and blogs and articles on the Desteni website, and so I allow myself to in such moments direct myself towards the resources/people available to me and ASK my questions.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the point of asking people available to me questions I may have in my process, wherein I see/realize that I have created a dichotomy within the assistance available to me with information as articles on the one hand and then actual communication with people and even watching their videos on the other and within that defined simply reading articles as safe, easy, comfortable and actual, real communication with Destonians as scary and uncomfortable.
I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to not realize that the fear and discomfort I’ve created in relation to communicating with Destonians about my process is in and of the mind and actually, there is no real difference between communication with a human and reading an article/blog if it supports me in my process.
When and as I see myself reacting in fear to communicating with a Destonian or becoming uncomfortable when viewing a vlog, I commit myself to stop and breathe. I allow myself to come back to the present moment within the realization and understanding that communication can assist me with my question.