Carlton's Journey To Life

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... -happened/

Day 578: Nothing Happened

As I set down to write, this is what came out in the moment;

Do you actually think that you’re protecting someone by withholding vital information from them, that has to do with things that happened in their lives, especially if you’re a so called friend, when you think that you have the best interest of the other person in mind, this interest is really your own self-interest, that you are choosing not to divulge this information due to the believe that it might affect you and your friendship in some way, I mean what and/or who are you protecting outside of one’s Ego?

Thing is, even if you’re the culprit or not, behind the News/Information that you are withholding, only makes matters worse, of course for the person who this information is related to, but also for you the one withholding the information, where by sticking to the story of ‘Nothing Happened’, creates thing in your life to happen, beyond your control, so when you experience a moment of uncertainty within your life, as to something going on that you just can’t quite pinpoint, and No one is saying anything, do not become frustrated, just rewind the tape to see where you have done this same to someone else in your life and that’s also where the solution to your ‘Whoa’ Lies.

Nine times out of Ten the best way to release yourself from carrying around this burden that will become heavier and heavier as we continue suppressing it every time we see this individual, which causes bags under one’s eyes, is to just free yourself, by putting everything out on the table, I mean because, as the saying goes “Those without Sin let them cast the first stone”, meaning we’ve all made mistakes, not knowing the affects our mistakes may have had on others, and I say mistake, because in this case we’ve Missed the opportunity to Take others into consideration, when being closed mouthed, but say Nothing Happened.

For most part if one has to say Nothing Happened, then something is automatically amiss, being that either something did happen and/or there’s a flawed sense of communication between you and the individual in question, brought on by none other than fear, the fear that something will happen if we do say something, which may not be case, and most of the time if not all, you’re spitefully interrupting this person’s life (by not saying anything) that may cause one to remain stagnant do to the lack of understanding what as happen in their life, that could have brought them closure in a way, to keep stepping for instance, because when it really boils down to it, it’s not the Action, because one can easily get over it, but being left to think whatever, is the killer part, especially when one doesn’t know one’s Mind and/or have the necessary Tools to stop one from reacting to the unsurpassable amount of thought that will come up on the daily about what’s not being told to them, that nothing happened.

Mind you, this is a generalization to things that has happen in one’s life that was life changing, that could have taken a different turn if information was divulged to them, instead of being withheld, and one going through physical and emotional turmoil, I mean for me that’s why I am extremely grateful that I found Desteni when I did, being that the decision I was making and was about to make was self-degrading and could have been detrimental to my wellbeing and that of others.

Thing is, our inherent nature is of spitefulness, and we thrive off of conflict to and towards each other, while smiling in one another’s face, and when it’s time to communicate we choose to pick the most oddest subject matter to talk about, instead of getting to the problem within the matter and getting it over with, especially if it’s a friend, being that friend are more apt to forgive and forget in the long run, and I’m here to tell you from experience once again, it’s not the action that has taken place, because that you can’t change, but sometimes to know, is what’s needed for both parties involve to seek closure. What I realized in this case, is that by speaking up could stop one from creating and experiencing unwanted consequences onto oneself and that of another, so stop carrying the burden of what you may know that others don’t know about themselves, that could possibly assist them to get passed a point within their life, and find things all the better for it, as it is your responsibility to respond.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... fall-down/

Day 579: Waiting for the Sky to Fall Down

Growing up our form of entertainment was story book record, with all kinds of stories, and in one of the stories there was this young animal named chicken little who lived in a town with other animals, that all got alone with each other, so one day as chicken little was out doing its thing, prancing around the town, he got to a point of stopping and taking a rest and as he was resting, something feel on his head and from that moment he believed it was the end, so he ran around town getting people all worked up stating that the ‘Sky is falling down’, so after the panic, they came to Chicken Little and asked him how do he know this, so he took them to where he was under a tree and said, I was standing right here and a piece of the sky fell on my head, at which time an acorn fall on his head, then soon realized the sky wasn’t falling down, it was an acorn. Moral being that the sky never fell down.

The same as waiting for Jesus to come, the apocalypse or dooms day to happen, or better yet, on someone to do what they said they will, as simple as someone saying; “Hey I’m coming by”, so you’ll stop/drop almost everything you’re doing and wait for them to never show up, where gullibility is a key issue here, as the same old wholeheartedly trusting and believing, then waiting for the sky to fall down (hypothetically speaking), while compromising yourself, by stopping the things you have planned to do, then end up missing out on what you have planned to do, then blaming them.

My god and don’t let it be finances, where if you’ve put all your eggs in one basket (per se), you may find yourself up “shits creek without a paddle”, waiting for the sky to fall down and sadly enough, some do this on purpose, being that our mind present expectations in the form of a mind possession that something bad may happen, if we were to follow through with what we said we would do, but no one wants to admit this is so, so we end up making up some excuse as to why we weren’t able to do what we initially said that we was, and leave it at that, with no consideration of the people that may have been affected by our words and broken promises.

I mean as gullible as I was, (and no lie, still at times), I’ve fallen for this countless amount of times, thinking; “Oh yeah it’s going to happen this time”, after believing the excuse that was given by the same person, every time, it’s like we want to believe that the “sky is really falling down”, not realizing that we’ll be wait for the sky to fall down, before anything happen, before we can expect certain people in our world to follow through with what they said.

Another interesting dimension that I’m sure is experienced in our society is the belief that something will happen, just because it was said, then everyone else follows along with what was said, to no avail, meaning it never happens, Jesus coming, never happened, solar flare will destroy the earth, never happened, Y2K, never happened, Ima be a Millionaire, by the time I’m 45, never happened, these things we’re waiting for the sky to fall down before they happen, and probably never will for some.

Question is, will it take the sky to fall down, before we wake up and take responsibility, for the things that happens in our world, or that we’re wait for to happen in our world, being that we have guardianship of this world, so the cleanup is merely up to us, we can’t wait for and/or expect for someone outside of this planet to come clean up our junk, it won’t happen, so [Note to Self ] get off your lazy ass and stop waiting for someone to come through and /or maybe do what they said they said they will or clean up your mess for you, it’ll never happen.

There is another dimension to this story that I will investigate in the post.

To be continued…
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ling-down/

Day 580: Believing Others Words, (The Sky is Falling Down)

Without investigation we follow and believe things whole heartedly, straight into Never, Never land, where we’ll never change until we stop believing all the bullshit that sound good and or houses fear, to the point of believing, that it’s imperative that we do thing, this, that or the other to compensate for the News we just received, such as the sky is falling down, so we better take shelter, and oddly enough the person who’s spreading the New, is either doing it on purpose or will soon realize, what they made up, is all a lie, but instead of going back and correcting what we said, we let it lie because you don’t want to be seen as a false prophet of sorts.

Thing is, who are we in the belief of it all, just because a million-people say’s it’s so, doesn’t mean that you to have to believe in it as well, then you have some of us who were raise in it, raised believing that anything outside of what we were taught to believe is faulty, which ends up almost taking a life time to correct and change and delete within ourselves, especially if you don’t understand how to; so for this;


First off; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have time and time again, waited for things to happen in my life that I was told would, but never did, and created some sort of spiritual occurrence around it taking place, without investigating why if it would or would not happen.

On another note; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that it’s been a long time coming and I deserve something good happening to me, that someone else told me would, with the expectation that it was my turn to buck the system or sort, get over on life somehow, because it suited my self-interest.

And then again; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want something to happen so badly, that I would lie in the process to make it happen, which ends up not happening at all, so for that to all the beings who I’ve ever used in a lie to make things happen, in my life, for them or for me, I’m sorry and asking you to please forgive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been on the other side of the totem pole, in telling people that things were going to happen or that I would do for them, but for some reason don’t follow through with what I said.

And on the same note; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recite knowledge and Information to others that I thought would happen in this/to this world, that they should heed my words, because, I was so captivated, by the News, I believed others should be to, but not once ever going back and correcting my stance once I found out the truth of the matter, and/or what I said to them would never come into volition.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have possibly led others down a pathway of destruction, believing in what I told them, that set them on a different course in their lives, not realizing that I would have to face the same consequences they did, being that what I said they listened to and took it to heart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a part of created the chain of events that happens, generation after generation, going down the line, copying what I’ve heard from someone, believed and spread it without investigating whether it was true or not.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate, before believing and telling someone what I’ve heard from someone, that would not happen in a Million years.

So being that I see this within myself, of perpetuation towards others; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been corrupted into waiting for the sky to fall down, and or the end of the world to happen, with the belief that I, and a select few people would be saved, because of the level of preprogramming I existed as.


So when and as I see myself taking it upon myself to wait for something to happen, think that something will happen, believe, something will happen and/or tell others that this that or the other is going to happen, ‘You just wait and see’, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, if I’m not living what’s happening in my life, my words are useless, self-interest based, with no investigation into the words I used to say what I say; Therefore, I commit myself to redefine Waiting, from that of Idly sitting by, with expectation of something happening or not. To that of Wa-It, mean to Way things out = to us the time, I spend waiting, to investigate what’s really real, will or will not happen, and how did I get to the point of believing, what will not happen, and disbelieving what will happen in my life, if I don’t correct these points.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... s-on-fire/

Day 581: Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Just when you think you have a grip on something, up pops another aspect of it. When placed in a position of being grilled by an establishment, question to the point of uncertainty, where answers had to be given immediately in the moment, in order for something to go through, I choose to lie, instead of telling the truth and letting the chip fall where they may, bringing someone else in this lie, that when put on the spot I thought would help for this thing to go through, but it didn’t and to make a long story short, I soon realized how big of a mistake I made, being that under no circumstances should I have lied and/nor brought anyone else into it as well.

What I realized is that when put under pressure I still follow this pattern of reverting back to lying when I don’t have the answers to all the questions that’s being asked, thinking it would suffice, while knowing that it won’t, I mean like fuck man, why didn’t I investigate more beforehand this establishments criteria, instead of rushing into placing myself in a position of thinking I have to lie to make things go through, this is not who I am or have been as of late or even ever want to be again, where in the past I would have saw this as sort of a white lie, a lie with good intentions behind it, but in reality there’s no such thing.

You see the thing about lies are once you start with one, you’ll end up having to create another, then another to cover up for the first, and so on and so forth, even if it’s to try and get something done, there’s NO excuse, that would justify this behavior and in hindsight looking back you end up feeling shitty, because although our intention may have been good, our actions shows otherwise.

But still it’s not an easy thing for most to admit to, a mistake, where in this case I missed taking the opportunity to investigate further before rushing into things blindly per se, and in doing so, missing the given opportunity to take others who may have been implemented in the lie in to considerate, before placing myself into a think fast situation that I failed.

And although alternative measures were met where things ended up working out, after the fact, doesn’t negate the point of me having to take responsibility for my behavior in this matter, so for this;


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush into doing something, that I have done before, thinking that it would go the same way, without investigating the more that I was doing than before would have more stipulations, which ended up being more of a process, where when question about what, when, where, why, how come and who, I didn’t have all the answers, but by having too much of a desire for things to go through, I ended up making up things as answer to these questions, which were Lies that didn’t fit, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up things when asked questions about others, with the expectation that this would expedite the process, which did work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when pressured to answer specific questions in the moment that I don’t have all the answers for, fall under pressure and revert to making things up, lying in essence, thinking maybe this would sound better, instead of just saying I don’t know and/or telling the truth and letting the chips fall where they may.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind-possessed in that moment of thinking that I was doing more good than harm, then immediately after realized for me it was the opposite way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up things as answer to questions about others to make it seem as if I know them more that I do, without taking into consideration what I am putting onto the other person, and for that in this case, I’m sorry to the being that is for making up things to questions that was asked about you, and I’m asking you to Please forgive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate into the alternative measures that was given to me before hand, before jump the gun into what I deemed as a more easier route to do things, but if I would have investigated these measures, I would have realized that one of the measures that was originally given to me, was easier than the route I chose, and would have saved me from the headache of having to answer all these questions and failing to do so truthfully.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get wrapped up in the ideal of wanting to be trusted to do what I said I would do, so much to the point of placing myself in a position of not being trusted, because of making things up, here I failed to look at the bigger picture of it all, and now face with walking this point again, because I didn’t see/realize the pressure point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not realized the compromising position I have placed myself in and possibly that of others, when it comes to the specifics and ways in which I went about getting things done, where it’s one thing for me to face my own self-induced on Self mistake, but a whole different ballgame, when you involve someone you have the utmost respect for, and so what may not seem as a big deal to most, is huge to me, because, I could have saw this coming, but to not beat myself up about it, but take it as a learning lesson to under no circumstances repeat again.


So, when and as I see myself (ever again) rushing into doing something that I’ve done before, thinking that it would go the same way, but end up facing more stipulations than before, because of the more that I’m doing, (by an establishment), where I’m then grilled about the specifics of who, what, when where, why and how come, and don’t have all the answer, but too much of a desire for things to go through, where I end up making up things as answers to the question I’m asked, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand, that under no circumstances should I have to make up things, in order for things to go through, that when investigated beforehand, I would have seen the extra it takes to make this happen and would have readily chose a different route. So, I commit myself to no longer assuming to placing myself in a position of having to decide on what to say to make things happen, because of my desire to rush get things done my way, but to instead to investigate all possibilities to see the most easiest, that I wouldn’t have to place myself in a position of going outside my moral standards in hopes for things to go through.


I commit myself to no longer place myself in a position of being pressured into answering questions I don’t have all the answers for, and if so, to say I don’t know and for those I do know to tell what I know and not made up.

I commit myself to no longer letting my mind possess me into believing that I’m doing more good than harm by making things up, but instead to stick to what I know and let the chips fall where they may.

I commit myself to considering others when doing things and the specificity that I do them, to no longer compromise other in any way, in the implementation of doing them.

I commit myself to investigating the best most sufficient way of doing thing, that doesn’t put anyone in any compromising position.

I commit myself to realizing that trust comes through corrective actions and not through the Ideal of a pending and/or attempted mistaken action.

I commit myself to learning growing and expanding myself with the understand of what walking through this point has meant for me, and to no longer accept and allow myself to make the same mistake again.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... g-the-gun/

Day 582: Jumping the Gun

In rush hour traffic, we tend to jump the gun everytime we seeing an opening in the other lane, but as soon as we jump over into the other lane it comes to a halt, and the lane we were previously in moves ahead, where we’re then wonder why we switched lanes in the first place and if you’re stuck in traffic for a period of time, (such as the LA traffic), you’ll find yourself doing this quite a few times until you reach your destination, which can get a bit nerve wrecking, for those who are not that used to driving and waiting in rush hour traffic for an extended period of time.

Now the same of sorts I see happening in one’s process, where let’s say your Mind is like rush hour traffic and the points you walk through are like different lane, where we’ll start in one lane, working on/walking through one point, then get to a point where you’ve walked everything you see in the moment, thinking that you have a grip on it, and then go to change lanes/move over into the next point and come to a standstill, but when looking back over at the previous point, you’ll find that you’ve missed something, because something is still moving inside you, that cause you to slip back into and old behavior that you didn’t see, but decided to jump the gun, and move onto the next point/the next lane in rush hour traffic, as your mind, then end up saying; “Man I’ve been down this lane/road before, but did see the underlying point (the pothole) I just slipped into, because it was blocked by the cars in front of me, before I switched over into the other lane and on to the New point.

Point being, I’ve found myself doing this a few times in my process thus far, that I see has/is only prolonging my process, where, what may seem as a resolve to a point that I walked, may at times only be a mirage, because I haven’t tested every aspect of the point I’ve walked out thoroughly, so then when a different approach comes my way, I’m not ready for it, meaning, I didn’t see that coming, but could have, if I would have tested for myself that approach as well.

Sometimes placing oneself in a similar position of reaction (for example), that one has walked through, is not the only test needed to confirm that one gets the point/have walked through into transcendence of the point, the point, I mean I’ve once heard that a point must be tested out in every possible way, to check and see if there’s any movement what so ever coming up within and as you, and if so, then you haven’t totally transcended the point, meaning there’s something else that needs more investigating;
Which I wasn’t following all the way through, but have only gotten to the point of making sure I didn’t experience any reaction on a major in your face level, but on an subtle, constant nagging by someone (per se), I wouldn’t really check myself on those, but just do a quick self-forgiveness and push it aside as if it was a fleeting thought, but it wasn’t, it was now a suppressed reaction, which over time would accumulate into one big reaction that would come out at the wrong time, all because I jumped the gun and moved on to the next point without totally clearing myself from the first point first, now it’s like having to back from scratch, and re-walk the point up until the part I missed and take the time to re-investigate it again.

So, at that point was where I kept finding myself, giving myself the runaround in essence, to the point of something a bit more serious happening, from having missed the underlying point of a point that I’ve previously walked. Know my initial reaction was to beat myself up about it, but that would have only created a new point for me to walk through, and what reminded me of this fact was, after explaining this to someone, they simply said; “You have walk that path now and learned from it – so simply breathe and let it go”, because I have a tendency to hold onto things a bit too long, but as a learning, understanding, correcting in to live experience, I now see/realize the importance of testing out a point in every possible, conceivable way, before “Jumping the Gun.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rspective/

Day 583: An Outsiders Perspective

It’s been some time since I’ve been back in my home town, driving and looking around at what’s left of once a thriving city, where families were built to create a since of belonging, belonging to no one but a belief system of hope, hoping to someday leave this place and bring back to it what was learned during the time away, but something changed, where the dreams were never reached, because back at home, no one was taught about the plight of the world and got lost in all the lights, glamor and glitz that make one never want to return.

What’s left is such a depressing place for a depressed state of mind for those whose left behind to live in and clean up such a mess that was made and left, where the overwhelming sense of purpose has dwindled down to a flicker of a flame, just enough to survive in this desolate place, maintaining jobs that pays peanuts, just enough to buy moments of free time after work, consisting of a 22 ounce of beer and a joint to take one’s mind off of this depressive state, until one falls asleep and wake up to do it all over again the next day.

For years I’ve been an observer to this and have watched countless of old friends and family members maintain this form of existing, thing is, when we become stuck in on frame of mind and one frame of living life, it becomes pretty hard to see anything changing in the near future and if you were to tell someone that it’s all your fault that you exist the way you do, they’ll look at you after asking you and say who asked you.

But despite all that one goes through in the environment in which they live, such as being here in Flint/Michigan, there is an unspoken acceptance to the way things are, where the attitude is; ‘’If this is all I got, I’ll make the best of it”. In every household, there’s a ticking Clock that chimes on the 12 while time slowly passes you by, and if you sit there and listen to it, you start to wonder, where have all the time gone, into how have I spent my time while away, have I made a change within myself from the person that I used to be, that I still see within and as my old friends and family member’s and if not, I’m sure it’s easy for one to slip back into a depressive state, as what’s seen when looking and driving around this old town.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience as an observer a depressive state when visiting the town, I grew up in, where seeing how everything has went downhill since I left, can easily put one in a depressive frame of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become depress, when I have visited before where, there was a sense of wondering, why have I chosen this life and this town to be raised in, not realizing that this was because, at the time, there was no change in me, to experience as myself, therefore, what I was experiencing was remnant of a past I never forgave corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt sorry for others that are still here in my home town, instead of realizing this sorry feeling was really toward myself, because of the lack of change within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have when dealing with my mom and dad back then on previous visits, not have the patience and understanding, realizations that it’s not their fault for where and how I was raised, but instead shrugged my shoulder of responsibility that I had/have the opportunity to make a difference in my own life, which I later took and was all the better for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have at one point separated myself as an observer, in separation from those who I grew up with, acting as if and just because I no longer live here, that I never have been a participant, which is a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to hide the fact of being a participant and living in this once thriving town, where I wanted to disassociate myself as far from it as I could, once I had gone away and the town had gone down.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand, that no matter where I go and for how long I’m gone, whenever I come back, the fact still remains, that this is where I was raised and equally played a part in how this place turned out to be, so there’s no reason to look at my home town objectively, but to see and correct what I can about this town, as this part of me, internally , that would be my first step in to correcting my relationship in my mind with my home town.


When and as I see myself accessing this depressive energy whenever I’m visiting my home town, where there is a sense of feeling sorry for being from whist I came, I stop and breathe, I see realize understand that this sorry feeling is not really towards others, but towards myself, where I have become sorry that I haven’t changed and/or experienced change enough in my life to see a different me, in which if I had at the time, I would have come to grips of everything that I saw as being a part of me and taking responsibility for it, so I commit myself to seeing all as me, that I see around my home town and to not get down into a depressive state, but to remain stable and correct those parts that I see needs it within and as myself.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rnal-rage/

Day 584: Internal Rage

When you get to the point where you feel there’s no solution to what you’re experiencing, brought on by a mind possession of thinking that you’re less than and just don’t get things like everyone else does, I mean it feel like you’re on another page than everyone else and no one care what you’re going through, is when you need to STOP right there, take a step back and breathe, then realize the fact that you’re experiencing this internal rage is proof enough that some form of change is taking place within and as you, for the simple fact that you are seeing/realizing this movement within you in the first place.


The hard validation of a pattern/habit and/or behavior that you exist as and want to keep doing, is when you rage internally about it and fight tooth and Nail trying to find some form of “Right:” within it, to the point of making yourself believe that your way of doing things is better then, just doing them the correct way, even though the correct way may seem harder than your way of doing things, is only because one haven’t really given the correct way of doing things a chance, enough to see that it works, which was a major problem I had, when working through things, not to say that it easy by any means, because when you’re starting from scratch, it’s like you’re playing catch up to people you really don’t know and haven’t ever met, but not as a comparison thing, just literally, where words on the internet is one thing and talk to and meeting someone is another, but only complicate things in the midst of investigating oneself, where it should be all about you/all about me.


Point being, these things could cause one to experience internal rage if not careful, thinking that no matter how much you try you’ll never be a part of what’s really going, so when you let these thoughts fester within and as you, you start to make un-informed decision, in formation to what your mind is presenting to you and making you believe.


A sense of powerlessness and hopelessness is what comes up when experiencing this internal rage, to the point of becoming drained, inundated and overwhelm by these thought, because you then find yourself looking for acceptance, but haven’t accepted the fact that you have to take the initiative to investigate for yourself you and the solutions to the you that you’re experiencing/facing, I mean because the tools are right here, given through investigating Desteni and/or walking the DIP courses.


But the most crucial part of experiencing internal rage is when you get to a point of somewhat understanding what’s going on within and as you thinking that you got a grip on things then slowly start slipping back into old ways/habit/patterns and behaviors, by telling yourself, all I have to do is to forgive myself for it later, then wonder why things start becoming worse, why all of a sudden you’re angry at things, thinking that you’re just standing your ground, so your anger is validated, which couldn’t be that much further from the truth, and the anger is coming from knowing that you’re slipping internally and letting yourself sink deeper and deeper into rage, then depression, blame and victimization, thinking then eventually stating “You did this to me”, it’s all your fault”, as if that’s possible, without giving your power away.


Which is the point of the problem, where for the longest, throughout our lives, we’ve had things blamed on us since childhood, where some parents would say ‘See look what you made me do” and or “this is going to hurt me more than you”, which is oddly enough the beginning of internal rage for some of us, where we’d rage in wonder how could you say this to me, after you just beat me, and I’m too young and powerless to do anything about it, but at the same time, when we get older, not seek out the understanding of why this happens.


But for those of us who have found the answers that we were looking for, who have somewhat began investigating ourselves, what I found is that we use this internal rage, as a form of self-manipulation to try and get over on ourselves, when things become a bit overwhelming, like saying “Stop for a fucking Minute” instead of breathing through the assistance we receive from ourselves as our support system, and if that works, we’ll try taking it one step further and using this internal rage as a ploy for help elsewhere, when the healing of self comes from self-help, so help yourself to correcting you/and me me.

To be continued…
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rage-pt-2/

Day 585: Internal Rage Pt. 2

The reason I chose this topic to write about is because there has been time throughout my process where it felt as if I was climbing a mountain upside down, then would become frustrated and not knowing how to put myself back right side up again. Thing is and the reason I would experience this rage is because of knowing that there’s nowhere to go back and give up to, I suppressed the emotions/feelings and reactions that would come up, and was too proud to try and reach out to other for any form of help, so I was like a barrel of electromagnetic energy waiting to ignite and believe it or not it did happen before.

One day as I was walking through the grocery store, I walked passed this man and his kid and as I passed him, I slightly brushed against his arm that let of a tremendously loud spark and shock, like POP, which startled me and the kid was like Whoa, cool and at that moment I knew that something wasn’t right, that I was carrying around all this energy and need to somehow ground myself, but didn’t know how to or what was really going on inside me and this was before I really started walking process but knew about it, I also knew that I was experiencing internal rage that caused this energy build up and eventual shock, because of what was going on in my life at the time.

So after I started really walking my process, I started to understand the energy that was me , that I had accumulated over the years, and suppressed it to the experience of internal rage, and although I no longer experience this rage on that level, (because I’ve walked through most of the points I was facing back then), I found that it’s still easy for this build up to occur in the context of walking process and getting to know and understand all the new knowledge and information that I’ve inundating myself with and applying it to my life, while realizing that what I went through/going through was/is still my fault as well, could be rather overwhelming, I mean still to date, at times I experience this , but realizing that internal rage suppressed can be detrimental to one’s wellbeing, and projected outwards, turns into blame and manipulation, can be detrimental to one relationships with others;


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to have suppressed thought/feelings/emotions and reactions that would come up within and as me, accumulating into Internal rage, that I’ve experience as an energy build up within and as me, as I walked around shocking people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this internal rage as a form of manipulation, trying to manipulate myself and others to comfort me in a way for what I was/.am experiencing as a flood of emotions and feeling, instead of writing it all out myself and applying self-forgiveness for it to release this energy I existed and still exist as, at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy within and as me, from reacting and going into mind possessions thinking that no one cares about me, and or others are out to get me, instead of realizing that I’m making it all up in my mind and believing it to be true, which in fact is not.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand That this internal rage is nothing more than a defense mechanism to the mind, for me to remain in, and continue perpetuating my same old Patterns/Way/Behavior and Habits, being that if I experience resistance to something and realize it, must mean that I’m getting to a point of self-awareness, therefore this internal rage is useless.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to really look at the things I rage about within me to see that I’m allowing these pointless miniscule things to control me, but if I have a look at them, I would realize how simplistic it is to breathe through my reactions, forgive them and simply let them go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/perceive/believe that I am powerless to do anything about this rage that exist within and as me, that it’s hopeless, that I’m hopeless and will never get/understand the simplicity of what’s right in front of my face, instead of realizing how ridiculous that sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have grown into a powerless human being throughout my life, up until this point in my life, so when now, realizing how powerless I have become, and there’s a way to fix this, to empower myself, I resist doing so, by hiding behind this rage that exist within and as me. So within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the rage I existed as, instead of empowering myself to move beyond it, and take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have put up a shell of being cool/calm and collective externally, while internally raging against the brainwashed machine that was me, recycling old thoughts and memories from my past, to relive in the confines of my mind and rage about what I coulda/shoulda done but didn’t, that ends in blaming others for doing things to me, instead of forgiving and letting these memories of my past go unconditionally.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to give myself a tainted foresight of things to come in my imagination, due to the rage I let blind me from seeing me, right here, right now, in front of me, in the present as everything around me, that would keep me focused on me and not on others in or outside my family/friends or people in my world, in other words no one is out to get you/me because I haven’t got myself as of yet, which is only an investigation away from correcting myself from thinking like this.


In turn from rage to reconstruction consisting of laying out instead of playing out my past under a microscope, highlighting the trigger points as thought and memories causing me to react to, instead of attacking the root cause, forgiving it, and redefining a word to live in the place of it, as the corrective application that would keep you/me from going back into this Internal rage I let myself exist as in the experience of me Here and Now. So.


I commit myself to live the words Inner Peace as to walk in self-awareness of any movement what so ever coming up within and as me, to in the moment stop, breathe, forgive and live the next supportive word that I see, throughout the rest of my day, sleep then wake up and repeat. No more Internal Rage ‘Delete’.

Thanks for reading.
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... y-process/

Day 586: Keep It Pushing (Moving Forward In My Process)

Whenever I’ve made a mistake in the past and/or have fallen when walking a particular point, there’s a pattern that I follow of having this sort of extended depressive feeling lingering around within and as me and although this feeling is in relations to the point, brought on by beating myself up about the fall/mistake, for example, me telling myself “what was I thinking”, this depressive feeling also comes from thinking about how others would view me now after making the mistake and writing about it, which I know is a form of self-judgment, spawning the thought of wanting to give up to come up within and as me, but I end up doing the only thing I know how to do, at this point in my life and that is to “Keep it Pushing”, and eventually move passed the point and let it go.

Thing is, the in between time from making the mistake/fall and getting over it and letting it go is way too long, as something I need to correct and practice doing in the moment, but hopefully not too much practice, lol, meaning that would be a lot more falling, but to do as I was assisted with to do, which is after correcting myself to simply breathe and let it go, as the time wasted could have been used for something else in my life, so for this;


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after making a mistake and/or falling when walking a particular point, follow a pattern of having this sort of depressive feeling lingering around within and as me, for an extended period of time, instead of learning from my mistake/fall, correcting it a simply letting it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed after making a mistake/falling, instead of correcting myself in the moment, which would stop the depression from coming up within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need to feel bad as punishment for the mistakes I make, instead of walking my corrections immediately afterward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste too much time in this depressive state, in between the time I’ve made the mistake and when I finally decide to correct and get over it, breathe and let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this depressive state also when thinking about how other would view me now after making a mistake a writing about it, as I see/realize/understand that I am paying too much attention to what others think, when it should be all about me and how I’m going to correct myself, to no longer repeat the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the mistakes I make and the falls I have, when thinking others may judge me, then find myself in this depressive state for too long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of wanting to give up, still come up within and as me, although I know that I’m not, I see that the thought of it still exist within and as me, and needs to be released.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have carried this pattern around with me throughout my life, of after something has happen, a mistake and or something I’ve done, to feel depressed about it, as in showing remorse for what I’ve done, as this was the Ideal way to be in the religious belief system I was raised in, so God would forgive you.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the time I wasted in between the mistake and getting over it, could have/can be used effectively for something else I need to work on in my life. I see/realize that becoming depressed and or feeling bad for what I’ve done, for an extended period of time, longer than the momentary realization of what I’ve done in the moment, is useless and so a waste of time, so;


When and as I see myself being “stuck on stupid” in this extended depressive feeling mode past the point of being aware and realizing what I’ve done to myself in the moment, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that the time wasted in between the mistake and getting over it, can be used effectively for something else that I need to work on in my life, therefore this depressive state of being is useless and what I should do, is to Keep It Pushing, because without that there’s no progress in my process.

I commit myself to first off being aware of what I’m doing at all times to cut down/cut out the mistakes I make/have made, to no longer accept and allow myself to get pushed in the corner and end up fall/making a mistake to get out, but to see what I’m faced with and make the correct decision on how to move forward when moving forward with what it is.

I commit myself to no longer judge myself for the things I’ve done/mistakes I’ve made, but instead to learn from it and simply let it go, in the moment.

I commit myself to correcting, learning from, breathing and letting go of the mistakes I make in the moment, as the way to keep it pushing, to no longer accept and allow myself to waste time being depressed about what I’ve done, but to get over it and move on to the next point in my life.

Thanks for reading.

“Keep It Pushing”
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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Post by Carlton »

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... rking-out/

Day 587: Character’s Not Working Out

I am, as something I tell myself, because recently I’ve joined a gym and started working out again after quite a few years of not doing much, where the only thing I’ve done throughout the time off was maybe a few pushups here and there and a little arm work and of course ride my bike, (as that was my only means of transportation, there for a while), but not any full body regiment as I once did many years ago, and the interesting thing back then was, and the main reason I worked out always had to do with someone else and never for myself, as a complete connection of all my extremities working as one unit to achieve my physical utmost potential, to become one with my human physical body, aligning every muscle to one accord, and although I may have been in shape way back then, it was all for show, to be seen by someone and/or talked to and about as someone cool, because of the way I looked, as looks prevailed and was of the utmost importance to me back then, being that I was living a superficial life.

So, while working out in the gym back then, I would perpetuate a character every time I would see someone looking at me, where if it was a girl, lol, I would start huffing and puffing as if I was really doing something, then put on this tired/it hurts face after my set, as the ‘show off character’ for some sort of sympathy, while peeking out the corner of my eye, to see if I got her attention, but on the other hand, if it was a guy, I would put as much weight as I could on the bar and max out for one set, as if I was antagonizing him like saying, ‘see that’, then would end up eating my own words when someone else would came up and put on more weight than I could ever lift, at which time, it was time for me go.

Thing is looking back on this, it really didn’t make any sense because, I would be the one going home sore, experiencing cramps and pulled muscles, which only hurt my body more than it helped in the long run, you see, it would then take me an extra-long time to heal myself and get better and then once I got better I would do the same thing all over again, letting which ever character I deemed fit work me out, and another thing was whenever I would walk passed a mirror in the gym, I would look at myself and erect my posture to fit the character that I was perpetuating, touch my arms and or cockily flex my muscles, as if to say to myself; “Man you good” lol., which was only my Ego talking.

I mean it’s funny looking back at how I used to be really stuck in my mind with a big Ego, thinking/believing that I was living the good life, but it is no laughing matter the way I turned out, before I started walking my process, but when I started my process I remember writing a blog entitled Exercise/Exorcise, where I talked about the disregard I had for my body while exercising and was pretty much weary about doing any exercise at all, so from that point up until recently, I only road my bike out of necessity, until I got my truck, then there was nothing, outside of doing a bit of physical labor at times as work.

What I then experienced was sort of a disconnect with my joints, where my joints would become sore from not being active and I would find myself slouching while sitting down in chairs, and even standing up at times, as well as becoming tired throughout my days, as if I lacked the physical energy to do anything more than just typical work related stuff, outside of that I really had no life, and didn’t make any me time, but would finish my days off sitting behind the computer screen, so when the opportunity presented itself, recently to join a gym and start working out again, I jumped to the chance.

So, in the next post I’ll continue with the experience of me, being back in the gym and correcting this Character defect I existed as, that still at times rear its ugly head.

To Be Continued…
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