Carlton's Journey To Life

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 17 Feb 2017, 23:35

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ood-deeds/

Day 530: Good Deeds

Why do we need such things as good deeds, when it should be a natural thing to help one another? The saying goes; “I did my good deed for the day” thinking that karma is going to sort you out in the near future, but when nothing happens, we sit there in a stupor with this sad look on our face, wondering why nothing good ever happens to me. It’s because we’ve reduced ourselves to doing one good deed a day, and the rest of the time, fuck em’, they can fend for themselves. Like the saying, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, same thing applies, but in REVERSE in this case, where just one good deed a day won’t do a damn thing to change how you experience yourself tomorrow, I mean it’s plain and simple, nothing comes from it, you won’t all of a sudden win the lottery or find a suitcase full of money, and for the simple fact that some reading this may be bummed out, because of what I just said, is why humanity has gone to hell in a hand basket real quick, because we’re always expecting something for doing something, it’s like Ok you did what you normally should do for everyone the same, not just the old lady needing to cross the street, so why is what we do for others, defined as good deeds?

They say no good deed goes un-noticed, and in most cases, it true, but when we expect the person noticing it, or some higher force or being to reward us for the ‘good deed’ we’ve done, is when it all goes south, because now we’re taking from our right hand to feed our left hand so to speak by making others pay for the good deed you’ve done, turning the deed into a job, like a good deed for hire type thing lol.

You can say that we’ve taken on this pattern of always expecting something from someone for doing a good deed from childhood, where for me growing up, whenever I did certain things that I was told to do, I was rewarded and I’m sure for most out there, it was the same, which then carried on into only helping another out if there was something in it for me, I mean check yourself, how many times have you been somewhere and a friend asked you to give them a ride and you replied; “You got gas money” or someone ask you to help them move a few things and you told them,; “I’m busy right now”, or “I got something to do”, but as soon as they say, I’ll pay you or give you some money, your schedule just became open? Weird isn’t it, when the table is turned and the same happen to you.

Then you have those that would rush to lend a helping hand, always saying; ”yeah sure”, “sure yeah”, “No problem, let’s do it” and “I’ll help you”, and on the surface, for face basis, their response/excuse, when asked why are you helping me is; “Because I would want someone to help me if I was in the same position”, which may be true, but within them saying that, is always a hidden starting point and/or expectation of, just because I helped someone else, when I need help, someone else IS going to be there to help me to, and whole heartedly believe this to be true, which creates one hell of a letdown, when there’s no one there to help you in the moment you need help, which you then turn to the person you helped and ask them for help and just so happen in that moment, they’re busy as hell, but you take it as a slap in the face, which is not the case, then become mad and angry at them and possibly sabotage a relationship, friendship, claiming they don’t care about you, because they wasn’t there for you when you needed them, and when they finally have time to get back in touch with you, you don’t answer your phone, in spite of them, all because of what you’ve created in your mind and believed them to have spited you, which again was not the case, as another form of good deed you could have done, without expecting or believing in good karma.

Then you have (really) feeling sorry for someone, so I’ll do my good deed for the day and give them a helping hand, which related to, (Oddly enough), letting someone over in traffic or giving a few penny’s to the panhandler on the corner and/or the homeless guy, or the guy in the wheelchair, or the girl that’s kind of cute, but dressed like a bum asking you for a handout, or the guy standing on the side of the freeway off ramp with a sign saying; “Will work for food, God Bless”, that plays on your emotions, where after you do your deed, you feel good about yourself, which is obviously mostly about money, thinking if I give some money, then I’ll get more money, but not as a real good deed, and of course there is the anomaly, where a person is really in need, which I have experienced on both ends, but we’ll get to that.

Charities, foundations, Drives and Donations is another societal accepted form of doing a good deed, when there would be no need for it in and Equal Money System, which we give to these groups as a way of giving back for all the shit we’ve taking from one another throughout our lives, but call it doing our good deed so karma don’t come bite me in the ass (per se), but what we fail to realize is that we still will face the consequences for what we’ve done onto one another, no matter how much you give/donate, the donations will not change who we have become in our lives, only we can do that for ourselves in self-honesty to really change.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 19 Feb 2017, 19:18

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... eeds-pt-2/

Day 531: Good Deeds Pt. 2

In those moments when no one else is watching as an observer, when there’s nothing in it for you, but a possible story to tell, IF asked perspective on the subject that came up unexpectedly, when things are not all about yourself, as a natural action to care for, help any and every form of life/species/insect/human or animal at any given moment, in distress or not, without hesitation, is when you become the good deeds you do/have done.

Since walking my process ‘good deed’ have become but my response ability, being my ability to respond, whenever I see something anything that need sorting out (per se), such as, seeing a piece of paper in my path and not stepping over it, leaving it for someone else to pick up, but to just pick it up and throw it in the next recycle bin I see, now obviously, tis not to say to go out of your way and start doing it religiously, because that would imply that you’re making a religion out of it, looking for a reward in the end, which we’ve somewhat discussed in the previous post, but if you see a trash bin close to where you’re crossing the paper on the ground, it’s just so simple to do it, and funny because, I’ve see all kinds of people, from all walks of life do it, for what it seems as for nothing, and I’m standing there looking like wow ok cool, I’m not the only on, but I haven’t always been like this.

It was more like when you’re not aware of thing, you for some reason just don’t see it, I mean the opportunity for you to step in and do something, passes you right by and every now and then after the fact, you’ll realize; “Man I could have helped that person”, instead of waiting to see if someone else will do something, before you jump in to add your 2 cent in it, thing is, we have become a bit reluctant to help each other out, if they don’t look, act and definitely dress a certain way, which has be proven in quite a few test cases I’ve seen, some would call this non-exchange, not having a heart, heartless, one that doesn’t care what a person is going through, under no circumstances will they lend a helping hand, I mean you can call it because of embarrassment, or out of fear, for the elite, the fear of being seen helping the peasants, scared that they’ll be excommunicated from there peers, their friends, their family or special groups, but what’s our excuse, being that we are the epitome of hope, ones that live by our good deeds in hope of something greater in the future, always in the future, never right now., why is that?

Our excuse is, I got enough to worry about, I don’t need to take on any extra baggage, so to speak, so when I’m in route going somewhere, don’t expect me to do anything for anyone, because I got too much on my mind. (As if that’s really ok), like someone say “Wait a minute, I’m thinking” or another one; “I need time by myself to think”, but did you ever think to ask questions when someone helped you out in a moment’s notice, without question, something to think about.

Good deeds are really not discussed, being that if they were, they wouldn’t be good deeds, but conversation show off pieces, about what one did to be looked at as a saint, while everything else in the person’s life, was self-centered and selfish, but we want to be defined by that one good deed we’ve done, so we talk about it., and if it goes over well with others, we derive energy from it and only then go out and chase after another good deed encounter, in other words we chase after an energy experience.

I mean I could go on for days about the good deeds I’ve done, which doesn’t make me any better or worse than any other person, as while doing them, what was going through my mind’, was this is how life should be, this is how things should normally be, but the thing is to be careful, because it’s fairly easy to become a bit prideful and cocky afterward, as I have experienced, where the first thought that comes up is,,; “Yeah things are going to go right for me now”, then turn around and watch something else screw up right in my face. A good deed should be without any thought behind it, just in the spare of a moment, that catches you off guard, but you’re ready for it, like the reason I’m writing this post, where;

The other day I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant, after I had eaten and was sitting in my truck, a guy came out and jumped on his motorcycle and proceeded to take off, where when I looked in the mirror, the motorcycle and the guy was on the ground, so without any hesitation I jumped out of my truck and went to the persons aide, the guy was alright and needed help picking up his motorcycle, but a lot of things happened in that short period of time, where by the time it took for me to get there, (which was like two seconds) the guy had gotten up with his back facing me asking for another guys help who didn’t move, by that time I got to him, then another guy who saw the whole thing but only came after he saw me there, which shows a few dimension of what we’ve been discussing in this post, from the neglect, to the person only jumping in after they see someone else take the initiative, to me the front runner, but the most interesting part and where the realization came in was when I got back in my truck and the guy had driven away om his motorcycle already, the first thought that came up within and as me was; “I did my good deed for the day” and that’s when it dawned on me like wow, this is how we really think. So, in the next post, I’ll do some self-forgiveness on the point of Good Deed, in how I have defined my reasons for doing them.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 21 Feb 2017, 20:54

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 2-good-dee…self-forgiveness/ ‎

Day 532: Good Deeds (Self-Forgiveness)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have consider good deeds as a charismatic mechanism of trade for reward, praise, monetary fulfillment and/or a better life in the future or in the life after this, instead of seeing it as a naturally normal way of picking myself up, (through another, person, being or life form) off the ground without hesitation or contemplation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separate myself from others in the sense of leaving them to their own momentary demise, passing them by, with a mindset of; “Someone else will come by and help them, I’m in a rush at the moment”, then getting to place I was rushing to, to then realize; “Man I should have helped them” and beat myself up about the missed opportunity to perform a ‘good deed’ as a natural expression of who I am, then (get this) think that I’ll have bad karma for not helping.

And on the other hand, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rushed to be a good Samaritan in doing my good deed, to lend a helping hand to anyone I saw in need, in the name of good karma, not realizing the expectations, more like future projection of something good happening to me, in itself, cancel out the good deed I had done, meaning nothing came from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been taught that the good deeds you do will make a place for you in Heaven and whole heartedly believed it to be true, when in fact a good deed is not done with attainment in mind, but perpetuated without waiting the time it takes for the mind to come up with, second guess and/or add to, in order to alter your response ability, the action you take in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been a person, that would normally/naturally help someone without second guessing and/or expecting anything but a thank you, (which is something), point being, the stigma I had engrained within my mind since childhood of good deeds being an obtaining Godhood type of thing, always overshadowed the common sense of ‘Do unto others as you would like to be done unto’. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the ‘thank you’ in the matter was the actual act of me helping someone, which shouldn’t be prone to any expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in the past, used doing good deeds as a means to fill my suitcase of self-interest, down to the energy one derives from getting a simple pat on the back, which fed my mind as ego pieces of my flesh, then with this energy, I would turn around and give someone a piece of my mind, instead of leaving energy out of the equation, that doesn’t fit anywhere in doing a good deed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process, when things was still becoming clear to me, experience a shock at how I hadn’t considered it being a good deed to help each and every single life form out, from animals, to humans, to bugs and Insect alike, that is until I realize in one moment when my sink was covered with ants and instead of draining them down the sink with water or spraying them with repellent , I moved almost all of them on a few piece of toilet paper, few by few outside out of harm’s way, with no expectations of future reward, for the first time in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand a real, good deed is done without hesitation or thought, stepping in to confuse, disrupt what should be a natural action done, with the consideration of everything and everyone around you for nothing, which is also a redefinition of what a good deed should be and lived in every moment of breath.


So, when and as I see myself going into my mind, before, in the midst and/or after I am to assist someone with something I would want assistance with myself, if I was in the same position and thinking I’m going to/will and/or have done my good deed for the day, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that once the mind steps in, everything goes south, where although you might still help the person/being or life form, you’re doing in in vain out of spite, which only make things that much harder for you to get through, so in essence, you’re actually fucking with yourself into believing the illusion that you will receiving something in returned, and if you do get something you’re only blinding yourself to the fact that you’re missing the big picture of who you really are, in doing unto others as you would like to be done unto.

I commit myself to living the actual act of doing a good deed as who I am as life, without hesitation or any expectation, but with the consideration of all as me, which would be me looking out for and/or helping myself, at any moment and any time, I see assistance is needed from another person/being or life form, as what should be done, with everyone here on Earth.

I mean do you reward yourself, expect something good to happen to you, everytime after you take a shower, or clean up after yourself, or pick yourself up after you fall? I would think not, so why expect something, hope for something, want to attain something to get somewhere, for doing what’s called a good deed, in lending a helping hand out to your fellow man? To remember if there’s any expectation when doing your good deed, it becomes a Job.

Thanks for reading

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 23 Feb 2017, 21:16

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 3-what-mor…at-more-can-i-do/ ‎

Day 533: What More Can I Say, What More Can I Do

When all that I’ve said and done, wasn’t enough to make me into the man I wanted to be, you see, what I didn’t realize is that the more that was missing, that I couldn’t say or do, was/has always been within and as me, take for example the voice, I thought I would never have, to standing up within myself, to no longer participating in the things I once done, being that if I couldn’t say to myself enough is enough, I would still be living the statement, “what more can I say”, to myself in order for me to change me.

What more can I do, but to take a different path then I’m currently on, being that the path I was on, was head for self-destruction, then in to self-destructing and into living my life destructively, without realizing that everything I would touch, would crumble and enjoyed the rubbish, making it hard to see beyond the dust storm of confusion I lived within, where in my mind, I knew what to say and knew what to do, which only kept me stuck like glue to the excitement of not knowing and remaining in search of.

Because In a way I rather enjoyed the process of not knowing, the stagnation of being stuck in between leaving what you knew and getting to where you’re bound to go. I mean the excitement of figuring things out with someone new, who is also in the same boat with you, is ecstatic, when going up stream without a paddle per-se, always ending back down stream in the same place, thinking that as long as I’m in the boat, I’m safe, but that’s not always the case, being that what you’re busy figuring, is but a figurine of knowledge and information, so all that I was saying was only taken for face bases and on the surface everything seemed fine, but in my mind it was shear mayhem, I mean I had gotten used to the disruptive nature of my thoughts, to the point of participating in corruptive behavior and it was all my fault, what more can you say and what more can you do, when the words you used is not one and equal with you?

Growing up the most profound words, I use were; “I don’t know”, at a level of ignorance because I really didn’t know, so when something happened, I would say; “I don’t know”, when someone would ask me, what did you do boy, I would say; “I don’t know”. when it was discovered that I broke something and was asked, who did that, I would say; “I don’t know”, so why when it comes to telling someone else what to do in their life, we say; “I know”, I mean what more can I say and what more can I do, but to change myself first, and you change you.

The point of wanting to know more, is an ambitious way to live , until you get to the more you want to know and find out what it is, where you no longer can say, what more can I say and what more can I do, because that in which you seek to know and found could really change you, so it scares you, but the curiosity keeps you going, and the resistance comes in when you find that there’s work to be done, but what more can I say when I’ve arrive to this point myself, and what more can I do but to keep going when there’s nothing else to go back to.

It all comes down to responsibility, in that moment what you’re all alone with the idea lingering around in your head, there’s nothing to do, will you take the opportunity to walk through the door of change, by working on you, or will you sit back and relax play a game or watch a movie. How many times have we repeated the same thing and ended up drained of energy, when simply all I had to do was look, “In-to-me-I-see/self-intimacy”, to realize the harder life gets is because of me, as if I loved the rage within me, instead of peace and harmony, we hardly take the time to get to know ourselves, which is the only true way to really protect ourselves, our life.

So here I stand with more to say, that I can, with more to do than I’ve done, with more to investigate and more to come. So, for this;

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had reached the epidemy, of saying all that I could, then say; ‘What more can I say”, when existing at a level of ignorance unsurpassable to any knowledge, I’ve ever known, and never lived, when all that I said was based in books and hear say, the nowadays of back then, that I lived in until today now, where I’m able to say more, without a state of mind being present., and more than the state where the phrased was coined; “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”, to not waste time, but get to know my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the sayings what more can I say and what more can I do, as an excuse of limitation, to not do the work it requires for me to change, instead of searching/seeking for more to say and do, throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the more of me was missing, without realizing the more of me has always been here within and as me to see/look at, investigate and correct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the things I’ve done, thinking that that was all I could do, being that that’s all that I knew at the time, and was raised to believe, whole heartedly accepting the limitation that was placed on me, then lived by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rather enjoyed the point of not knowing, the stagnation of being stuck in between leaving the religious ideology I was raised in, and getting to where I am now in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought it was exciting figuring things out, when I didn’t know anything per se, but as soon as I got to the point of finding that in which I was looking for, and found that there was work involved, I initially didn’t want to see it/participate in it, because I still wanted to live with a level of ignorance and saying “I don’t know” but the curiosity keep me going and now I’m walking my process that’s all the better for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have time and time again try and leave back doors open to scoot out of my responsibilities to myself and to life around me by saying; “What more can I say”/’ What more can I do” and found myself in a hurt locker, when things didn’t come through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realized that there is always more that one can say and do in every sense of the words, that all it takes is one to investigate the more out there that we’re not willing to look at, the bad and ugly that’s we exist as within ourselves, the reactions and emotions we perpetuate toward one another. When having a look at yourself, things will come up as the more to do in order to change oneself into correction, then you’ll have more to say in sharing your realization on how you changed.


So you see the more is you, the more is me, but to get to the more one must take the first step in figuring things out for yourself, because no matter how you look at it, we’re not just alright, no matter how much money you have, you’re not just alright, no matter how much you go to church and pray to God, you’re not just alright, no matter how many charities you donate to, you’re not just alright, we’re all basket cases and until we find ourselves out of the baskets of our minds and into the physical, into this physical reality, we’re all not just going to be alright, so investigate the more of you, the more of what you can say and do, and within doing so you’ll find who you really are, but it’s a process, one that takes time, that I’m walking, that many people are walking, from consciousness to awareness, where we’re all saying more and doing more, to change ourselves and then this world into a place we want to be, and see all of humanity and existence leaving in harmony.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 25 Feb 2017, 18:57

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 4-shutting…in-a-spit-second/

Day 534: Shutting Down in a Spit Second

A personal story on how the mind plays game to try an trick you into believing the answers you have is not enough!

Beyond staying up for hours on end, constantly going, with no sense of time, with no regard to the strain I was putting on my body, it could take it, was my belief and for most part it did. I didn’t want to miss a thing, out on any moment of the perceived good times I was having and doing it all without any sudden Shutting Down in a Split Second, although I had help staying up. And then there was times that I wanted to be up but couldn’t keep my eyes open, sort of like a child that’s having so much fun playing, but has over exuberated themselves to the point of dosing off while standing up and/or playing with their friends, like “I’m awake” ZZ, “I’m awake” ZZZ, and end up falling asleep where they are.

But being that I no longer participate in the long hour nights and staying up for days on end with extra additives, It shouldn’t be a problem, staying awake, alert and aware of what I’m doing and/or participating in at any given moment during my awake hours so I thought, I mean I sleep between 5 and 6 hour a night, I go to bed between 10:30 and 11:30 pm every night and wake up between 4 and 4:30am every morning, for most part, when I get up I feel a bit refreshed, no grogginess and then get right at what I do in my morning routine, after which I drive to another location to do my computer stuff and during the drive some time, I find myself dosing off, being that it’s rush hour traffic, but not to excuse me dosing off, it’s still morning time so these dosing spell is not that of being tired, because, a few hours ago, I just woke up, I then do some self-forgiveness and keep driving, and this has happen quite a few time before, where I’ll dose of and wake in the next moment like W.T.F., so after writing this point out a few times it still happens, I’ve investigated the point of me being focused on my breathing, which helped, I’ve investigated the thoughts coming up prior to me dosing off, which helped, I’ve done sounding self-forgiveness, which really helped, but still at times in a split second, I’ll find myself shutting down, without warning, it’s like one second, I’m fine and breathing then the next second, BOOM, I’m not here then come back too like, what was that.

I mean I’ve written about this a few times in blogs, where I’ve eaten sweets and dosed off and fell asleep as well, but I have also eaten sweets and stayed awake, so I’ve been going back and forth with myself on this point for a few years now, also seeing the point of resistance, when it comes to reading and listening to certain thing, I’ll feel the urge to shut down, but with any other things I tend to mostly stay awake/alert (although there have been time where I’ve dosed off during these self-interested moments), and this is all happening during my awake hours, I have to ask myself, is there a need for me to take a nap during the day, when I’m not physically tired and I do understand the point of mental tiredness from thinking too much, where you’re in your mind all day to the point of it making you perceive that you’re physically tired and want to shutting down then shut down. Also, the point of it being my fault at times when it’s just blatant, which I’ve experienced quite a few times.

That being said, I felt that I pretty much had got to the point of getting a handle on it, stopping these dozy into shut down spells, when not doing things outside the norm, that would cause immediate consequences, so whenever the shut downs would occur, I could pin point it and resolve the issue, so I thought, until;

The other day I was driving back home after being somewhere for a few hours, around 2 pm in the afternoon, in heavy traffic after I had some lunch and although I wasn’t tired at all, I felt this dosing feeling coming on strong, while driving where in one split second moment, I shut down completely, long enough for me to run into the back of a person’s truck, then came to like FUCK, I mean I hadn’t been in any type of accident in over 10 years, the person ended up being fine, but I messed up the front bumper of my truck , the next day I wrote out some self-forgiveness on the matter, but still found that it still persist, so this is the point that I’m currently and have been walking for quite some time and would appreciate and accept any perspective, from anyone who have experienced themselves Shutting Down in a Split second, or able to shed light on some points that I’m not seeing, because this shifting has to stop and In the next post, I’ll do more investigating to open up this point more, in going into my past to see where this came from, and see where it leads us.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Location: California/Nevada

Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 27 Feb 2017, 20:10

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 5-shutting…plit-second-pt-2/ ‎

Day 535: Shutting Down in a Split-Second Pt.2

More Investigation…

As a child, sitting in the Pews, in the second row, on the left-hand side of the Sanctuary, at church, during Sunday morning service, I made an valiant effort to pay as much attention as I could, which wasn’t much, because (hypothetically speaking) my fund kept running out and found myself dosing off and Falling asleep, I often wondered was it the point of me not wanting to hear what was being said, was it the point of being inundated with knowledge and information, that scared the shit out of me, was it the point of, what was being said didn’t really resonate with me, or D). All of the above?///// Interesting how when you’re forced to do something as a child you naturally rebel, without knowing that you’re doing so, and in this case the rebellion came in the form of an unconscious awareness of dosing off and falling asleep, which catapulted the whole “Shutting down in a split second” ordeal that I am currently facing, I mean like WOW, that says a lot in itself, but let’s continue.

Oddly enough this only really happened when things were too long, especially during church, where, back then, they would get up and talk for hours on end, (as it seemed), so it was almost as if I was trying to reject the brainwashing that was being imputed into me, causing me to shut down in a split second, so here you have a few interesting points playing out thus far;

1. Being that of rejecting while accepting something at the same time, and –

2. Being that of being still for a length of time/when things are too long.

Basically during those time is when I mostly experienced myself dosing off and falling asleep, but during grade school, junior high and high school, I didn’t experience myself dosing off during classes, it was more like shutting myself off into my mind and not hearing what a few of the teachers were saying, which do show a level of shutting myself down, through selective hearing, where when things seemed a bit complicated on the surface, if there wasn’t a one on one interaction of help, with me and the teacher, I would retreat into my mind, validating the excuse I would give myself of; “No body helping me, so It must not be for me to learn” and I wasn’t going to ask for help, because that was the teachers job, to make sure every student comprehend the subject matter, which in my case, didn’t happen.

So, here we have the point of Shutting Myself Down, through selective hearing, where if something seemed complicated on the surface, if I don’t have immediate help to simplify it, I would retreat into my mind, this being another pattern I have engrained within and as me. [Side note] What I’m starting to see/realize while writing this, is that deep rooted problem solutions, can’t be seen on the surface of oneself, making it only possible for the person experiencing the problem (Me) to dig deep within myself to find the solution, by going back in time to where/when/how I first experience myself having this, that is now a problem, interesting. Moving on;

When I was in boot camp that was the next time I experienced myself dosing off at times, during certain classes and being that we were sometimes sleep deprived would be because I was tired, then at times the shutdown would occur, again due to long hours of sitting, waiting and listening to someone speak, it’s like I needed to be doing something moving around interacting physically with people and things, that would keep my attention into not shutting down.

So, the points here is Sleep Deprivation, which I have at times throughout my life disregarded my physical into doing, where what I saw more exciting took precedence over resting my body, and thus at times I experienced dosing off and/or shutting down in a split second, because of allowing myself to not get enough rest/sleep.

Then you have within a past relationship, doing things with my partner, like going to movies, where I would fall sleep, because as it seemed to me the movie was boring, it lacked of action and excitement I found interesting that would keep me awake, but any other time, It wouldn’t be a problem of me staying up and alert.

Within that what stands out is the Boredom with thing, where I would dose off and end up falling asleep when things seemed boring i.e. movies etc., which was one of the main causes of me so easily yawning into dosing, into falling asleep, during lengthy conversations, seminars, classes, church and other things that would take some time to get through.

Be that as it may, when I started process, things changed dramatically for me and my life, in my life, where I learned how resistance worked, how when I resisted doing thing, I would experience this lethargic feeling coming up within and as me, then going into yawning, dosing off and shutting down in a split second, same thing with learning about my mind, where if one is/has been in one’s mind too much throughout their day, they will become mentally tired, but mistaken as physical tiredness, although they physically didn’t do much throughout their day. And the point of yawning, I realized after watching a video on it, where I learned that in the moment the yawn occurs, one should be weary of why the yawn occurred, being that at that moment is when you were/are supposed to hear something and/or pick up on something of a realization that the mind doesn’t want you to see/realize and/or hear, so it (The Mind) starts it’s shutting down process, consisting of a yawn.

How these point affects me into shutting down is as follows;

Point 1. Resistance – The resistance to hearing new information, and at times applying the tools of self-honesty, meaning not wanting to face what I see happening within me. Self-Forgiveness, meaning not going in depth enough, getting to the specifics/root causes of the problems. And listening/reading/doing my lesson assignments, where because it was working on me, I would shut down in a split second, as if I experienced a dimensional shift of sorts.

Point 2. Thinking too much – where sense I’ve started realizing and seeing for myself just how much I’ve been thinking throughout my life, I began to think even more, lol, on how do I stop these thought, which in essence create more thoughts and so on and so forth, making myself mentally tired, which is what I would say is one of the main reasons of me shutting down in a split second. Ok so;

Point 3. The point of Yawning, I would say is the first steps the mind use as a warning signal or sorts, saying that I’m about to shut down, so make sure you close all application, just as a computer would tell you, meaning, that you’re getting to know yourself a little too much, so unless you seek stimulation elsewhere, I will shut completely down, BOOM that part/trap right there is what I didn’t heed to apply self-forgiveness on, the warning signal of my mind.

But interestingly enough all it takes is that one split second of not FOLLOWING through with the commitments you’ve written on ANY said point – to find yourself (and maybe your pocket as in my case) in a hurt locker, meaning the consequences can be Immediate, making this a lesson for me and all in learning that what you commit to, it’s a must to follow through on, or else the accumulation of consequences awaiting, looming in the background will come to the forefront and play out as an unwanted but Need assistance to get you back on track, as I have just experienced first-hand, so in the next post, I will walk some self-forgiveness on the points brought up during this self-investigation.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 01 Mar 2017, 23:13

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 6-shutting…iveness-and-some/

Day 536: Shutting Down in a Split Second (Self-Forgiveness) And some…

This is what I saw initially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child sitting in church, because of the perceived point of not wanting to hear what was being said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child sitting in church, because of being inundated with knowledge and information that scared the shit out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, as a child sitting in church, because of what was being said didn’t resonate with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in a way use dozing off and falling asleep, as a way of rejecting what I was hearing, while trying to accept it at the same time during the service, simply because I couldn’t retain all that I was hearing at the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doze off and fall asleep as a child whenever I had to sit still for a length of time, when I perceived things were too long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut myself off into the mind, at times during my school years, through selective hearing, where when things seemed a bit complicated on the surface, if there wasn’t a one on one interaction of help with me and the teacher, I would retreat into my mind, validating the excuse I would give myself that nobody is helping me, so it must not b for me to learn, not realizing I was limiting myself by doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down in boot camp when sitting, waiting and listening to someone speak for long hours, because of sleep deprivation, which is common in the military.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within relationships, find myself dozing off and falling asleep, whenever we would go out to movies, where I would experience boredom when the movie didn’t have enough action in it and/or when I didn’t want to hear what my Ex had to say in lengthy conversations, which created a communication gap in our relationship, leading to the downfall of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself shutting down, whenever I would resist doing process related things, such as my writings and doing my DIP Lesson Assignments, as well as listening to interviews.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experienced myself shutting down from thinking too much, where when I’m in my mind accepting and allowing thoughts and memories to come up back to back without stopping them, I accept and allow myself to doze off and/or shut down completely in a split second, for a split second, then come back too like WTF was that, not realizing how dangerous it could be when doing things physically.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate this point of shutting down in a split second in its entirety, but instead looked at bits and pieces here and there and expecting things to be alright, then found myself experiencing consequences for not doing a thorough investigation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced myself shutting down in a split second, at times when I didn’t follow the commitment statement I wrote on particular points, but fell back into doing them and found myself shutting down, which was a wakeup call to say the least.


When and as I see myself, participating in dozing off and falling asleep and/or shutting down in a split second, because of not wanting to hear thing, because of the perceived idea that things are too complicated, because of selective hearing, because of sleep deprivation, because of being inundated with knowledge and information, that scares the shit out of me (past tense), because of the things I resist doing, because of sitting waiting for long periods of time which shows my impatience, because of not following my commitment statements and because of spending too much time in my mind without stopping my thoughts, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that all these experiences are brought on by my own negligence to not following through with the commitments I wrote on these points, to change and live my corrections. So I commit myself to re-looking at specific points that I tend to not readily follow through with, make corrections if need be, and re-walk them and my commitments.
So, at first look, these times and points throughout my life is what came up, where I experienced myself dozing off and falling asleep, but also I experienced the shutting down in a split second more so, when these points were not present, meaning more investigation was needed, So;

After looking deeper into this point what was found is; Suppression, suppression, suppression, when getting a reading from Kim A, where what came up is the fear of looking at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother and an old memory that I have suppressed since I was 2 years old, where because I was so small, it’s possible that I was faced with an experience that I didn’t know what to do with at the time, in relations to me seeing something happening with my mother (that I can’t remember) that I felt the need to protect her, but I couldn’t because I was too small to, so I suppressed it, along with believing that somehow I am responsible for my mother’s happiness. Within that, what started coming up throughout my life is backchat in relations to all the emotions I experienced of sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother. And with this having happened at a very young age, would be why the shutdown pattern is so physically manifested within and as me now, due to the memory being on those deeper levels within my subconscious.

So basically, the point of sleepiness/dozing off comes up whenever this point of guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, but I don’t want to see/look at it - so I shut down. (In a nutshell) And with having a look at this perspective, I’ll do more investigating.

To be continued…

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 04 Mar 2017, 02:47

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... ing-guilt/

Day 537: Suppressing Guilt

In the previous post, another dimension was opened up in relations to my Shutting down in a split second, here’s for context;

After looking deeper into this point what was found is; Suppression, suppression, suppression, when getting a reading from Kim A, where what came up is the fear of looking at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother and an old memory that I have suppressed since I was 2 years old, where because I was so small, it’s possible that I was faced with an experience that I didn’t know what to do with at the time, in relations to me seeing something happening with my mother, or that I perceived was happening to my mother (that I can’t remember) that I felt the need to protect her, but I couldn’t because I was too small to, so I suppressed it, along with believing that somehow I am responsible for my mother’s happiness now. Within that, what started coming up throughout my life is backchat in relations to all the emotions I experienced of sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness – with regards to my mother. And with this having happened at a very young age, would be why the shutdown pattern is so physically manifested within and as me now, due to the memory being on those deeper levels within my subconscious mind.

So basically, the point of sleepiness/dozing off comes up whenever this point of guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, but I don’t want to see/look at it - so I shut down. (In a nutshell).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt on a deeper level of my subconscious mind, where, I have suppressed a memory since I was 2 years old, in relations to my mother, that I somehow, feel that I’m responsible for her happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained in this state of guilt throughout my life, that has caused consequences that I am facing today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this suppression accept the backchat throughout my life coming up in relations to all the emotions I experience of sadness, guilt, loneness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness - with regards to my mother that carried over into my daily interaction with things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shutting down, because of the suppression of guilt is so physically manifested within and as me, being that it first happened when I was 2 years old, that for years I wasn’t aware of, so then, begin feeling guilty in unrelated matter throughout my life. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have felt guilt about the way I was raised, when being around other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within carrying around this guilt, isolate myself away from other in feeling remorseful for no reason at all, as it seem, meaning I was a sappy son of a bitch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through suppressing this guilt, have always felt inferior towards other, living in a limited state of mind, where if I saw others doing more than me, having more than me, I would feel less than them – that I wasn’t capable of having what they possessed or doing what they do, as a belief I’ve ingrained within and as me, due to the suppression of guilt manifested within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to because of isolating myself, experience loneliness, where I felt, if I would enter a relationship with someone, somehow, I would be responsible for their happiness as well, which unconsciously, I didn’t want that responsibility on my shoulder again, as I still had the stigma of what I experienced when I was 2 years old in the back of my mind, keeping me at bay so to speak, causing me to isolate myself into being lonely, during my formative years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever this guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, I don’t want to see it and suppress it back down, as a pattern I have manifested within and as me on a physical level, causing me to shut down in a split second

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress guilt within and as me, and have been doing this my entire life, to the point of making me sleepy and tired at unforeseen times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced sadness, due to the guilt I was suppressing within and as me, with the believe that I was powerless to do anything about certain situation that happen throughout my life, so perceiving myself to be powerless, brought on this sadness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perceived that I was powerless to do anything about what I experienced back then in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have easily become bored with things, due to the guilt I suppressed within and as me, that unconsciously took up space in my mind, enough to keep me distracted, to the point of finding other things boring, when they really weren’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become worrisome because of the suppression of guilt I existed as, where by having a guilty mind set, I would worry about what’s to come, and whatever I faced, would I be able to handle it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this worry into the worst case scenario, of not being able to handle the things that would come up in my life, which is a mind game in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand this shutting down in a split second, is a way of shutting myself off to the world and the point I must face, walk through and correct in my life, so in a way, to see this as a gift handing me a piece of the code to understanding myself and correcting me.


When and as I see myself, fearing to look at the point of guilt within myself in relations to my mother, that has turned into whenever I experience guilt I suppress it, hide it within myself, not wanting to see and correct it within myself, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that this guilt, houses the consequences of me shutting down at the most unforeseen moments which has caused me to get into and accident a few days ago, so I commit myself to looking at and correct this point of guilt within and as me, to stop this dozing off and shutting down spells that I be having.

When and as I see myself, accepting the backchat coming up in relation to feeling disempowers to do anything about my happiness and the happiness of other, so I then go into sadness, guilt, loneliness, boredom, tiredness, remorsefulness, inferiority, isolation and sleepiness, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand that others happiness is not my job, to the extent of taking on their problems as if they were my own, but instead to deal with these emotions I experience and stop myself from feeling guilty all the god damn time for not being able to resolve things for other/protect other, as in the memory I possessed within me since I was 2 years old, in relations to my mother, so I commit myself to irradiating this guilt from within and as me meaning, first off to stop paying more attention to others than myself, and secondly, to understand that we all make mistakes in which the understanding of how to resolve things is not always instantaneous, but at times will take time, there no need to suppress the guilt of not being able to resolve the problem that I have taken on as mine in the moment, that only cause more emotions.

I commit myself to no longer Isolating myself, behind the guilt I carry around, but to lose the guilt, which would bring myself back to the forefront of living my life and expressing me, who I am as life.

I commit myself no longer feeling remorseful for no reason at all, but my mind saying that I should be, but to instead, become resourceful, in finding ways to remove this guilt that’s so physically manifested within and as me.

I commit myself to detaching myself from the thought Idea, that I am inferior to others that I see, have more than me and/or can do more things than me, by equalizing myself to the understanding of all as one as equal.

I commit myself to at the end of the day, take self-responsibility for how I experience myself, how I have acted things out/let things play out in my life – to no longer accept and allow myself to let guilt bog me down, but instead to stand up from within and as it and to release myself of all memories I have of my past, that has connected me to this suppressed guilt for too long, unconditionally, so I can return to my formal child innocence before whatever took place did, that I had defined myself as this guilt.

So in essence, I have been living in a cycle of things, starting with the point of guilt that I have carried for so long and suppressed it, to where now every time I feel guilty about things I suppress it, causing me to go into this sadness, as if I can’t do anything about what I’m experiencing, then into isolating myself, because of this sadness, then because of the isolation I start feeling lonely and bored, which turns into becoming tired and falling asleep all stemming from the suppression of guilt. So, this is a work in progress in my process as I keep walking.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 05 Mar 2017, 22:26

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 8-visiting…-living-the-past/ ‎

Day 538: Visiting the Past Vs Re-living The Past

Often time when looking back at the past/visiting the past, what tends to come up is the words, “I wish” or “Only if I would have”, where we somehow think that if we would have done things differently back then, we would be living a different outcome today, which is not really the case, where the saying then goes, “If I only knew what I know right now back then, man things would be different” and live out this mind recollection for a period of time, that takes us into re-living the past, where we end up making the same mistake, falling into the same traps and facing more of the same consequences we’re already facing, because this picture in our minds of “what if”, looks so appealing, as we appeal to the feeling it gives us, and the energy we extract from this self-created re-visualization, we use it as a time loop from our past, when living out our future, which make our life but a repetitive experience, coming from the past into living out a future projection of our past and always skipping the Here and Now, then wonder why things don’t change in our lives, why do this reality remain the same? For the simple fact that we never learn from our history, we only blame it on being His-Story, in abdicating our responsibility of realizing we had an equal part in creating the History we all live in today.

The same thing goes with visiting a friend, where we visit them, but don’t feel the need to move in, do we, and if it’s a real friend, we learn something from them, taking something with us from this visit, and go back and make corrections in our own individual lives if need be, so visiting, in this sense could be connected to learning, which is what I’m getting at, in a way, in this post.

Re-living on the other hand constitutes sameness, meaning I liked it so much, and/or wanted to alter what I did of the same thing so much, that I did it again… and again… and again…, like ground hogs day, but never getting to the point of understanding the message in it all, like if you spayed perfume on shit, do you think it would smell better or would it still stink, thing is it might mask the smell for a moment, (meaning you might think that your changing something by re-living and altered version of the past), but the shit still stinks (meaning you’ll end up facing the same problem and going through the same situations, if not corrected correctly), which is the case that I have lived time and time again.

What brought this topic up was, recently, I’ve learned of 2 friends from my past, (some decade + ago), lives just minutes away from me, on either side of the city I live in, and for context of these friends, we were all living in Hawaii and played Basketball together, amongst being tight as friend, where we got to know each other pretty good, so basically the good, the bad and the ugly, we have experienced together.

So before meeting up with these friends, what start coming up, was the point of not knowing what to expect in them, along with a little anxiety on how they would perceive me, as who I am now verses who I was before, that I then corrected within myself and met up with the first one, then together we called the second one, which was pretty cool, where the second friend now has a family with a son whose plays basketball and had a game yesterday, so we all met up at the game and had a cool time, in which afterwards only the 3 of us hung out and what was interesting was our reminiscing of the past was more like a visiting of the past, where what stood out in the conversation was the changes we’ve made in our own individual lives and the realizations of how we used to be, with the misbelief of some the things we did, while accepting the responsibility of it being our fault, which to me was somewhat unexpected, but appreciated at the same time, how there was no talk about wanting to go back and re-live anything.

Also what was assisting was, the first friend told me something that I had did, (unaware till the other day) in relations to him/unconsciously towards him, that sort of altered his life, that made me realize, that you never know the affect you have on others, aware or unaware when participating in the things you do and how it could be a changing factor in someone’s life, which opened my eyes to how in a way, what I perpetuated toward him, unaware that alter his life, was in the same way perpetuated towards me that altered my life, as a consequence for having done the same towards him. And although I truly couldn’t have known, I still forgave myself for this act and explained to him how I saw it, where at first, he was like “what” you didn’t know”, but when I showed him how this was the reason I faced the same thing in my life, he understood.

So, within that answered some questions in itself, that I had about how my life had taken a turn, which showed me my own creation as a cross reference to things being my fault, which I am grateful for. What I realize is that you can visit the past without going into, the “I wish” and “what if” scenarios and into wanting to re-live it, but only if your visiting becomes a learning experience and a realization process, in which case you’re able to correct what you see in the moment.

Thanks for reading.

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Carlton
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Re: Carlton's Journey To Life

Postby Carlton » 07 Mar 2017, 22:14

https://carltontedford.wordpress.com/20 ... 9-more-sel…iveness-on-guilt/ ‎

Day 539: More Self-Forgiveness on Guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as guilt throughout my life, unaware that this guilt has limited me in a way where, I’m not seeing certain thing that I should, in order to correct and change my everyday living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest this guilt within and as me on a physical level when I was 2 years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear whenever this guilt is threatening to come up within and as me, where instead of facing this guilt and correcting it within myself I suppress it even more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I’m not able to help others out when they need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when others need my help and I’m not able to be there for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when I see someone sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I don’t follow my routine throughout my day and/or my routine get interrupted, where I end up doing things out of place/turn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when things don’t go my way and there’s nothing I can do about it in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel guilty when, I say the wrong thing, but mean something different, instead of realizing that this may happen sometimes, where a thought would come up in the midst of me explaining something else, but there’s no reason to feel guilty for it, only to correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when I have dozed off and wake up with this guilt looming over my head, as if I just did a really bad thing, then go into frustration and anger at myself, instead of seeing what’s really taking place, as in why my mind is trying to shut down and what is it that I’m not allowing myself to see/realize/understand in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to afterwards, once I realize, the frustration and anger are for nothing/was useless, I become guilty again about getting angry and frustrated at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think guilt only come up, when I do something bad, instead of realizing that guilt can come up at any given moment, about any certain thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel guilty, when sexual thoughts come up within my mind out the blue, instead of just forgiving then first and foremost, I immediately go straight into guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt guilty after a conversation with my ex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I see others going through a hard time, where the guilt comes in of not being able to do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when there are things that I’m not comprehending in the moment, then go into frustration and judging myself, for not being able to see through and comprehend it, into figuring it out, instead of taking a breath in the moment, stepping back and having a second and third look at it, if need be to understand it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I didn’t do my chores growing up, and when my mother got home, she would ask me did I do my chores and I would say no and get in trouble for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when forgetting things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when I forget to do things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty, when someone frowns at me, for no apparent reason.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to let guilt exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that this guilt is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used guilt as a form of manipulation, in trying to make other feel guilty for something that happened to me, instead of taking full responsibility for the situations I put myself in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manipulated others into feeling guilty for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manipulated others into feeling sorry for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I make a mistake and/or miss something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gullibility in being and feeling guilty.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I compromise myself by feeling guilty at times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think others are my responsibility, instead of realizing I have a responsibility to myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become guilty about certain things that has happened in my life and have experienced wanting to give up in the past, because of the guilt I let plague me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when others blame me for things that I didn’t do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I accidently bump into people and say excuse me, but they look back at me angrily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had this timid, guilty feeling to come up within and as me, when around certain people in my life that I considered more superior than me, because they had more material things than I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I don’t complete something, in a certain timeframe that I was supposed to, instead of jumping right in on it from the beginning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when something happens due to my negligence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay too much attention to other people, to the point of thinking I am responsible for their happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put too much responsibility on my shoulders in relations to other people, friends and family member’s, then becoming guilty when I’m not able to help as much as I would like to, instead of realizing, I have enough problems on my own and can only help after I’ve sorted myself out first.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand how guilt as I have defined and manifested it within and as me, is/have been detrimental to my wellbeing and my life, where it’s imperative that I release myself from this guilt, in order to live my life to my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let guilt eat at my flesh, instead of taking self-responsibility for what I am experiencing guilt for in the first place. So;


When and as I see myself, experiencing guilt, feeling as if I’m guilty in relations to what others are going through, that I take on my shoulder as my responsibility, when in fact it’s not, I stop and breathe. I see/realize/understand the consequences I’m putting myself through, by thinking it’s my responsibility to protect other emotions, which is asinine to say the least, being that first off, I’m wasting valuable time I could be using to get to know myself, to investigate my own thoughts/feelings/emotions, to protect myself from my mind and be more concerned about my own well-being, instead of feeling inferior to what other are going through, when there’s nothing I can do about it, and secondly my main responsibility lies within myself, not lying to myself that I’m even able to help someone else, when I have my own problems to deal with and my own process to walk - to learn me first, to the point where I am then able to assist and support other, without any guilt looming over my head or lurking around me. It’s me that’s making me feel guilty as the gullibility I exist as, that I have caused unwarranted consequences onto myself, for egotistical reason that was beyond me, but now looking beyond the veil of guilt, I let the ego take revenge, and I see/realize/understand, that what’s within my power is me/myself and I, to get to know, correct and change, to get to the point of me living my utmost potential as who I am as life. So;

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow the guilt of what others are going through to disempower me, but instead to be reluctant to so easily give my power way to an idea that I’m able to do something about what others are facing, leaving it all up to me, where if I’m guilty of anything that I’ve done unto myself, to see it, face it, correct it and move on, to no longer be a hanging post for guilt, but to instead cut all ties from it and continue walking my process.


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